It was a private school.

I had to be there before it opened and after it closed because of my mom’s work schedule. My mom also worked there part-time in order for me to go to that school, along with her other jobs. I had to help out, setting up for the school days and clean up after as well. I really didn’t mind that at all, I actually thought it was fun. I did not like the horrible way the woman talked to me or the things she said. I recall her calling me stupid if I didn’t hear her or understand what she meant by what she said.

I believe I wrote this before but I can’t remember where.

There was one time she told me to do something and I couldn’t hear her, she repeated it and I still could not understand her. She then told me to “Get my head out of my butt and listen”. I stood there devastated by the image that was in my head at first, how that could possibly happen? Then I realized it was an awful thing to say to a 5 or 6-year-old, even though I did not fully understand it. I was extremely upset and still confused by the time my mom came and got me.

My mom knew something was wrong because I had shutdown.

She finally got out of me what had happened, my mom then marched into that woman’s office. I do not know what she said but she did have some choice words for her and the woman never said that to me again. However, she still wasn’t the most pleasant woman. All of these thoughts about my intelligence have resurfaced recently because I started reading John Elder Robison’s book Look Me in the Eye, now he has a new one that I would like to get as well, called Be Different.

As I have been reading it I have seen many similarities and CLEAR differences.

I really enjoy reading from other ASD perspectives. His humor is a bit on the darker side for me but I get it. (This is kind of a big deal since I have a hard time with certain humor.) As I read the last chapter called “Collecting the Trash” I laughed so loud that I thought I would wake up the kids. I just started reading Chapter 11 “The Flaming Washtub” and it is hard to put it down. He truly is a great story-teller. I actually found out about John Elder Robison through watching Running with Scissors, (I did not read the book) I was so intrigued by the story that I researched the writer that the memoir was based on. They are brothers. None of that really matters I guess, I can’t help myself.

Anyway…

As I read Chapter 9 “I Drop Out of High School”, I was very interested because I dropped out and I felt completely inadequate, dumb and embarrassed by this for many years. As I read this chapter I could relate to so many things and I felt relief. I read the part about it being suggested that he get his GED, and if he got at least a 75% they would treat him as a graduate and he could leave high school. He took the test and got 96%. They offered him a diploma for a small recording fee. Here is the part that I so wish I could do, the clerk told him $20 and he said “No thanks” then added “I don’t need your diploma”. GEEZ! I wish I could do that. My personal story of school is not a good one; it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work it was that I needed to be taught differently. I also had a lot of social confusion and other issues going on. I got labeled “Basic” and “Intermediate” early on and then categorized in classes with fellow classmates that fell under those labels.

I assumed the authority figures knew what they were talking about.

They all thought I was dumb, so I must be. I now understand that I have dyspraxia and other forms of dyslexia. At an early age I spent a lot of time reading out loud, I believe this helped me a lot. My mom encouraged it as well so I think she helped, along with encouraging reading all the time. I still do this if I am unable to get the words to read properly in my head from the page. Sometimes they dance or have too many colors. I have difficulty with my auditory processing, which caused a lot of problems in school. A lot of things would just mesh together and not make anything coherent in my brain. The sound from chalk boards hurt to the core of my body, the dust and the smell would make me sick, even if I was in the back of the room.

I had test anxiety my whole life, but my teachers thought I was just being disruptive or lazy.

I got to a point where I would just write whatever, leave it blank, or circle multiple choices based on random images in my head without even reading the questions. When I decided to quit high school, they pretty much didn’t care. My freshman year I got expelled for skipping too many days. I got back in after meeting with the school council with my mom. We shared how she was going through a divorce. Also how I was taking care of my toddler sister and baby sister after school, evenings and weekends while my mother worked. I was helping to take care of the household as well as going to school. They seemed to have pity on us and let me back as long as I pulled up my grade point average, I did. My sophomore year, I continued to skip, especially once I got a car and I got expelled for smoking in the bathroom several times. I quit smoking in 1999. Yea!

The winter of my junior year I started working and found my new special interest, work.

By the time my senior year came along, I had so many meltdowns in the vice-principles office, had been expelled, skipped so many days, had extreme social anxiety at school, and was only happy at work that I decided to quit school. I went to work full-time. I was my happiest when working. I could escape the troubles of home and I had a bit less responsibility. My mom however, did expect me to keep up with the house and help with watching the girls. I did get my GED much later in life after several years of not being in school. I took it without preparing at all and I also had to take a test on the Constitution, I didn’t study for that either. I got a passing percentage for both but I do not remember now what they were. I am not going to attempt to find it, I passed with a pretty high score on both, and I do remember that.

It didn’t matter to me though, I still felt stupid.

A GED wasn’t a high school diploma and in my mind it was much lower. I realize now that is not the case. I do wonder at times, if I would have had a teacher who gave a vested interest in me, if I would have gone into academics. Who knows, it doesn’t really matter I am very happy where I am at. I am also on a journey of accepting myself completely and that means rejecting the labels given to me in school by my teachers, schools and fellow students.

My mom never labeled me with those things.

However, she never said anything different either. She would only say things like, you are smart enough to get school done, just get it over with. Her mom had said something similar to her because she wanted to quit too but she didn’t. She finished out and got her diploma, even though the school didn’t want her there because of her “condition”, being pregnant at 16 yrs old. She later went to college for a few years, but had to quit because she was working several different jobs and had to take care of me also.

I personally just wanted to work.

I had no desire to go to college because I thought it would be the same as high school, no thanks! I read this article recently and found it interesting, College is a waste of time. Though, I do now have some desire, it may still be a part of my future. I did very well at work; I was good at everything I did so I stuck with it. I didn’t have feelings of inadequacy or incompetence. It didn’t even cross my mind. But I still felt inadequate at times, mainly for social reasons. At times I feel like if I don’t have the education through means of schooling, than I have no right to talk about it.

All my reading and researching means nothing to me, it is never enough.

I do not hold others to this standard and I am not sure why I do this to myself. It is at those times when I am feeling that I am not qualified to say anything or write about something, that I wish I had that trait that John Elder Robison has, I wish I didn’t feel need for validation. I wish I didn’t have that self-doubt. David has that trait like John and I admire it very much. Although, there are times that it can be a bad trait, if used wrongly or if the person has an unteachable spirit. I still think it would be nice sometimes to allow myself to just say “You know what, I have an opinion and based on what I have read, I am allowed to share it without any anxiety.”

I am working on these feelings; I do not think they are all wrong, possibly a bit misplaced.

I was so happy and thankful to everyone who commented on my post regarding relationships.

All of you gave great insight and had very helpful input. So here is my shout out to:

Aspergirl Maybe

Lisa @ Alienhippy

Bruce @ Born 2b me

Diane @ Don’t Panic

Thank you all so very much and I truly enjoy our internet relationships!

After we got the medicine in him, David was holding him (deep pressure love) and he laid with David quietly.

They were laying on the floor watching me, Ariel and Joshua play, he said “I love you Daddy”. He said it in his sweet, soft voice and I wasn’t sure if I had heard him right. I asked him what he said again “I love you Daddy”. YES! That was the first time ever he had said that to David. The moment brought tears to our eyes. It may be rough at times and it may take a lot of energy but man I love it when he surprises us like that! He has still been kind of um…not so fun today, but he did start taking his vitamins whole for me and I no longer have to cut them into small pieces, I’ll take that.

I am happy to say that even though it has been rough, I am still at peace.

I may not be able to think very well, my mind is all fuzzy, but I haven’t gone into complete overload or shut down mode. Hopefully, Daniel will feel better. We are all feeling off because we just got a warm front come in and there is pollen everywhere which causes us sinus problems. At least it’s sunny, I will be thankful for that, along with the other things.

I believe I had an encounter that opened my eyes and began to show me that I had value.

By the time I met David, I had written off men and decided I would devote myself to Jesus. I devoted my life to doing what I felt Jesus wanted me to do, tell others how much He loves them. I still do that I believe God does love people and our mission on earth is to spread that love through letting others know they are valued. We all have gifts and talents that should be shared. We all need to know that we should be cared for, recognized, cherished for who were are. Not religion, not others interpretation of who God is and how you should live, just acceptance where you are for who you are and build into to you so that you can succeed in being the best unique you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off.

I met David which is a very long story that will have to wait.

He has been the best person to come into my life. I know God placed him in my life because he has loved me with no games. He has been everything that I have needed to overcome past pains. He has helped me to help myself. He has built into to me and encouraged me. He has brought me hope and not only told me that I am valued, he has valued me. We are open and honest with each other. We say what we mean and sometimes we hurt each other without meaning to but we discuss it. We talk. We share. We wrestle with the issues of our faith, the inconsistencies, the personal struggles, we work together to build into our children.

We also hardly leave our house, have limited friends, and keep a fortress of solitude.

We are two people with Aspie traits that just so happen to have enough of the same obsessions along with enough differences to challenge each other constantly. David works from home and I stay home with the kids. We like our life like this. We have to push ourselves to get out because otherwise we would never see anyone and be perfectly happy with that. Well we do like to  socialize but it takes so much out of us, we know that we have to for ourselves and especially our kids. We want to help them be able to be around people and have fun. Our kids have helped us to be more social. We all work together to help each other.

I say all of that to say it is not ok for people to be treated the way I was.

It is not ok for any person to go through a lot of what I went through but I do not know the major effects it can have on people who are on the autism spectrum. Abuse is not ok. People with autism and on the spectrum need people to be aware for them. We have got to watch out for abuse. I have been very protective of Daniel because he is still unable to tell me if someone has harmed him. He is just beginning to tell me when he has been hurt but still has a hard time telling me where and how. We have got to stay alert and on top of the way people treat those who are different, those who are unable to recognize abuse.

I would like to know how these kinds of situations effect other people on the spectrum.

I feel that several of things I have mentioned may seem quite silly, if I listed all of the things that were done to me I am positive people would think me crazy. However, for me these things were devastating. The situations caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I don’t think I am the only one and that is why I am writing this. I believe that it is both therapeutic for me and others to know that these things are not ok. No one should ever be treated this way and no one should feel like they deserve it. I am thankful to have David who helped me to understand that these things are wrong. If it wasn’t for him walking me through and building into me, I would still feel as though I deserved to be treated poorly by others. I have accepted this from people I dated, people I worked with, people I went to school with, people I went to church with over and over, I have accepted bullying and abuse as my fault. The majority of the time I didn’t even know it was abuse or bullying.

I know this is a long post and I hope you made it through without being terribly bored!

Here are some resources.

http://www.scn.org/autistics/abuse.html

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/commonproblems/Child_Abuse.html

From the beginning I had this feeling that something was different with Daniel. I couldn’t place it but I felt it. He would just scream and scream and I did everything I could think of to help him. He was extremely colicky. But he would only cry at certain times, he would throw his arms up and make this sound that was something I never heard before, when he was cold. Now that I look back I can see he would get upset at many things that had to do with sensory issues.

No chunky or crunchy food!

He began to walk not crawl at 8 months old, he actually began to run not walk. He wouldn’t eat chunky food, he had no desire. He would not drink from a cup still does not fully but we have had major progress in this area. Ariel didn’t seem to have any of these eating  problems. He wouldn’t look at us. I would call his name over and over again. I knew he could hear us. He would look sometimes if there was a sound or if I said his name, while he was playing he would once ever so often smile a little. (He did have a hearing test later, no problems) Hardly any eye contact. Since Ariel didn’t show any of these signs I thought maybe it was because he was a boy. I had never been around baby boys before.

Then there was the meltdowns.

I noticed that he would have melt downs in the store and then it would last for a long time at home. As he got older the only thing I could do was let him be in his room. I became pregnant again and it took all my energy. My little Joshua didn’t give me the great pregnancy that the twins did. This little guy made me sick. I blew up like a balloon and got vertigo. David had an office job at the time that was very stressful for us both so that added to the dynamics.

Please stop screaming!

Daniel would just scream, sometimes he would scream all day non stop. I would try to give him everything I could, do whatever, find toys, put on shows anything but nothing would work. When David would come home I would be so frazzled that I would just break down. There was nothing I could do. Then there would be days where he was perfectly fine. It made no sense. No rhyme or reason. One day he would love something the next day he would hate it.

Anything that spins.

He only found happiness in anything that would spin. So I found everything I could, all things that spin. That made him happy. He was almost two and still not eating solid foods. We told his doctor and he didn’t think anything was wrong with Daniel because he seemed very social. He was kind of social; he would make eye contact sometimes, smile, and look at people sometimes. To on lookers or other people he just looked like a busy toddler who wouldn’t sit or behave. To us we just thought he was like us, he didn’t like being around a lot of people. We just thought we didn’t like people or something, well that wasn’t really the case we just had to come up with some reason why we never fit in with others. That seemed the easiest route.