Tag Archives: tantrums

01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

Continued from, Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

He has been putting in a lot of effort and energy at to try not to have outbursts. He does not want to have him. He has expressed that clearly to me. He does not like it, but this has been the only way he knew how to express himself.  He only started using complex sentences when he six, that is two years that he has been working on other language skills.

As he gains better language/communication skills, he is able to tell me these things more and more.

I do not expect past behaviors or coping mechanisms to change overnight. I do not expect it to one-day end. (I still have my own outbursts and meltdowns.) Yes, some of this started as a tantrum, but it escalated into a meltdown. There are moments that it can be controlled, to a point, and moments when it cannot.

It takes a lot of patience, empathy, and sympathy.

I do not always have them, but I try. Some days I am great other days I am not. This is hard for me because I do start to internalize and speak negatively to myself if I lose my patience. I know that Daniel does this to himself too when he has a meltdown or gets angry. I have learned to accept that emotions, reactions, and even behaviors cannot be thought of in extreme or black-and-white thinking. Daniel and I are both learning, thankfully, I have positive tools to help us.

When he woke this morning, it was as though he had a hangover.

Yet, he was still in good spirits everything was going well. Then, he and Joshua started talking about the toys, all I heard was Joshua’s innocent statement, “Well, Daniel you have the spider.” That was it. It took nearly two hours to get Daniel refocused and ready for school.

work_in_progress_by_dejco-d3hd34uDuring, that time Daniel expressed some very important things.

I was able to get confirmation of how I thought he internalized things. I heard firsthand how he was filtering through inaccurate perspectives, at least with this situation. I am certain that it is a regular occurrence, but I had not heard him say it aloud.

1. He told me that I caused him to become overloaded and that caused him to have meltdowns.

When I explained to him that I did not cause him to be overloaded, and asked him to recall all the times that he has responded this way, he realized the common trigger – these types of toys. It frustrated him, but he could not say that it was not true. I let him be frustrated and work through that.

2. He then, told me that he was broken. He did not understand why his brain was broken.

I explained to him that he is absolutely not broken. I continued to reassure him that none of this was his fault and that he had done nothing wrong when it came to the toys. I did address his behaviors toward me that were not acceptable. I made very clear distinctions.

3. He would calm down, but then, he would loop right back to the toys. He said things like, “I am never going to get it. I will always not have them.”

I told him the rule once again, about completing school and then, getting it for 15 minutes and that I did not say never or always.

4. He told me that he did not like that.

I told him his choices were 15 minutes after school was completed each day, or not at all.

5. He felt out of control again and I had to put him in his room.

It is an open area in the middle of the house, there are no doors, and it can be disturbing to everyone when he is upset. Joshua had a class that was about to start so I really tried to help Daniel calm down. It did not work, I needed a break, and David came in while I went outside for a minute. When I came back, Daniel was calm on his bed. I went to talk to him again.

6. He told me that I was too loud. He then, said, “I do not know why, I am broken. I do not know why my brain will not work.” and that he was afraid of daddy. (It is hard to know if I was actually too loud because he is highly sensitive to sound, Ariel and Joshua did not say I was so it could have been too much processing and sound sensitivity.)

He started to get upset with me again. I kept everything simple, direct, and reassured him. I then, scooped him up and took him to David’s office so we could take care of his fear right away. We explained again about the toys and that he did not need to be afraid of daddy. David reassured him and Daniel stayed and talked to him while I went to help Joshua with class. When I came back, David shared with me some other things that Daniel said.

He expressed again, that he did not know why his brain was broken.

David explained to him that he was not broken. He used the example of people who have a peanut allergy. He told him that they may like peanuts, but they cannot even get near peanut butter because it can cause them to swell up or get very ill. He told him that there is nothing wrong with them. Their bodies are just unable to tolerate peanuts. Daniel also said, “I do not know why I am different.” David told him how everyone is different. There is no one the same and it is good to be different.

When I came back, he seemed much better.

I asked him if he wanted to go eat breakfast, he agreed. I thought about what he was excited about this week. He was very excited about all of the items we got for OT sessions. I pulled out the putty and asked him to get the pennies out. I told him what a great job he did with all of those things he did with his OT. I pulled each thing he had done and told him what a great job he did and how awesome he is. He started to say things like, “I am so good at this. Look, mom, look at how I good I am.” Then, other things like, “I am good at a lot of things.”

I look at all of this and I have to say I am ecstatic.

I would prefer my child not to have to go through all of this. I would prefer not to go through some of this stuff, but it happens. I do not dwell on that. I am too happy that my son who has been unable to tell me how he feels IS telling me. I have the opportunity to help him! He does not have to go through life believing negative things. Well, they may continue to creep up, but if he feels able to talk about them that is one step closer to distinguishing between negative thinking and realistic thinking. I am so excited that he is feels comfortable enough to express himself. That he is gaining confidence. That he is excited about talking to others instead of, feeling as if he can’t. I cannot wait to hear what he wants to share next. It can be very challenging, but all of this is such wonderful progress for him.

It is too exciting to experience Daniel’s mind – it overrides any frustrations and gives me that boost to anticipate great things daily.

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

Since last week, Daniel had some significant changes happen with his communication. He has responded rapidly to his speech therapy. This past Monday, his OT session gave him a boost of confidence. The one-on-one time with the therapists has given him practice with communicating and he has immediately applied what he has learned.

He has been initiating conversation in his social skills group with the other kids and the teacher.

All of this has given him confidence in ways that I had not expected. It has given him the ability to articulate specific feelings or thoughts that he has been having that I was unaware of as well. His progression has been rapid and it is very exciting for him, his therapist, and ME! (Clap, clap, clap) Everything that we have worked on, such as other people’s emotions, past tense verbs, asking questions, and remembering names, things like that have opened up a whole new world for Daniel.

She has used stuffed animals and doll-like items to ask him their expressions, this works!

All of the other body language, moving eyes, lips, eyebrows, foreheads, voice tones, words etc… are eliminated and the expression is all that he has to focus on. This helps him a great deal. It has helped him express his own emotions, as well as being able to read some of our emotions properly.

fluttershy__s_yay_badge_by_zutheskunk-d3e8usbHe has felt so confident that he has shared with me what he is feeling.

I will get into that a little more in a minute. I want to share his amazing accomplishments with school first. During the first semester, Daniel would go to his virtual class, but refused to interact or participate. He seemed to get frustrated, but I was not exactly sure why. I felt that because he did not know how to interact and heard other kids participating, including Ariel who participates all the time that it made him feeling bad.

I was not sure, but now I know that is what it was.

I know that he had many thoughts running through his mind, but he could not get them to come out. He did not know how to tell me, or even what he felt himself. I know what that is like, not only is it frustrating, but it can cause serious self-esteem issues and anxieties. He is discovering his way of communication by using his special interests.

On Tues., he had his regular class, which happened to be math – we are doing geometry.

Daniel LOVES geometry. I used it to convince him to participate in class. He was excited and could not wait to talk to his teacher and answer some questions. It took a while, he waited (kind of patiently), but told me that it was taking too long. I messaged the teacher and asked if he could answer a question. She opened up the microphone for him to speak, BUT the connection would not work.

This problem has been happening off and on this week.

He has been frustrated, but worked hard each time to get refocused and try again. This was the last straw. He was so upset. It took so much for him to get to that point to try and then, the computer glitch just caused a spiral. I was so for sad him. I could do nothing else, but try to comfort him.

I reassured him and told him he could try again on Thurs. he agreed to try again.

I emailed the teacher what happened and told her that I was going to try to get him to try again. She was ready today. She let him answer the first question. HE DID IT! He said, “Hi,” talked to her a little bit, and then, answered the question. YAY! Woot! He was so proud of himself. His teacher told him how great he did and so did I.

These are some fantastic things.

I am so proud of him, more importantly he is proud of himself. However, there have been some rough times in the last two days. It opened my eyes to just how much he has been reading our emotions inaccurately. He has assumed any perceived negative emotions to be because of him.

Part of the reason for his rough time is because of all the progress he has been making.

It takes so much; he has been putting in so much effort, and succeeding. However, all of the processing leads to certain behaviors. One can be negative types of stimming. He was doing great, with the exception of the cotton balls.

That is until, yesterday after they received several boxes of gifts from one of their grandma’s.

We did not know what were in the boxes, had we known we would not have allowed them to open them until we could examine the toys. We were happy for the surprise gifts, but certain toys we simply cannot allow Daniel to have because of the unhealthy fixation that he has and the over stimulation.

There are certain types of toys that make him unable to control his behaviors.

They are like a bad drug. He cannot get enough, he will not stop until he makes himself sick, and he will spiral into meltdowns. I had hoped that it would turn out ok. I let him have two of the toys with the hope that if I regulated his time and he took breaks that he would be ok.

The toys caused him to become over stimulated and then, angry.

He stopped drinking, he stopped eating, he stopped going to the bathroom, and he refused to do anything else except play with the toys. It was a remote control car. It was loud, had wheels that lit up, and that spun very fast, along with a remote control spider that moved quickly and was very loud as well.

When they did not work the way he expected he got upset.

This happened several times throughout the day, escalating to the point of complete meltdown. I had no other choice, but to put the toys in the garage. I explained to him for almost two hours why he could not have the toys and the reasons that they affect him in negative ways.

He sobbed, screamed, and got angry with me.

He blamed me, claiming that it was my fault entirely. I continued to wait for moments for when I could explain and he was able to hear (understand) to me. Finally, I told him that I would let him see the toys for 15 minutes each, AFTER he completed his schoolwork. This was a satisfying solution for him.

He settled and went to bed for me.

I sat and stared at the TV because I was exhausted, but happy because he used new coping mechanisms to calm himself down. He took control of his actions on his own,chose to sit with me, and tried to listen. He also initiated an apology on his own.

I reiterate this is hard work for him.    

The rest of the story… Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II    

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/6/12

Speaking Of Meltdowns III

Continued from Speaking Of Meltdowns II…

Let me interject here with a blurb from this Executive Function. (Encyclopedia of Mental Disorders)

“Executive functions are important for successful adaptation and performance in real-life situations. They allow people to initiate and complete tasks and to persevere in the face of challenges. Because the environment can be unpredictable, executive functions are vital to human ability to recognize the significance of unexpected situations and to make alternative plans quickly when unusual events arise and interfere with normal routines.  In this way, executive function contributes to success in work and school and allows people to manage the stresses of daily life.”

This can already be a challenging task in the daily life of a person with Aspergers. Pretty much when in a meltdown/shutdown or leading up to one or the other, any skills we have learned to develop our executive functions may be completely void.

“Executive functions also influence memory abilities by allowing people to employ strategies that can help them remember information.”

Many times my memories have been only negative scripts.

I am unable to pull up anything in a strategic manner the way they speak of. I am sure I can learn some strategies, but I need to understand the problem before I can know how to move forward. All of my mind’s energy has been going toward protecting myself. The triggers, unexpected change, words, sensory input, and trying to place and understand emotions run through my head like the Matrix Code searching for the pattern to ensure that I do not get attacked.

Fight or flight has always been my strategy.

In my case, my responses can be described as fight is a meltdown, and flight is a shutdown. Either way I am in protection mode from a situation that has made me feel unsafe. Both can be beneficial, but not be the best way to discover things. Meltdowns for me have brought things to the surface of my conscious that I was unaware of, shutdowns allow me to process while escaping the world. (Short description)

Ok, back to my regular scheduled train of thought.

I had mentioned that I cannot not handle “fluff talk” or “hidden meaning” talk, this is an absolute while in a meltdown/shutdown. Let me say as well cracking jokes, or using innuendos leading up to or during a meltdown/shutdown I find utterly cruel. Especially, if you are aware that the person does not get them. I still feel something is off even if I don’t get it. I can handle straightforwardness. People have a hard time accepting this for some reason.

However, it is true.

It does not matter how painful, or upsetting it is once I know, all of the unexplained feelings go in their proper place. The chaos has settled and now I can think logically, my processing time can be contingent upon how long the person waited to finally tell me. Trying to understand what is going on feels like a swarm of bees around and inside my head. It is filled with buzzing, weaving thoughts in and out, and it feels attacking. This can trigger anger in me because it doesn’t make sense why the person wouldn’t have said it in the first place.

A contributor that can enhance my meltdown/shutdown is trying to figure out what is going on.

Not understanding my environment, or people’s actions/words taps into intense anxiety. It feels like the Tasmanian Devil came rushing into my world and destroyed everything for no apparent reason. I just need to know, and then I need to be allowed to process it. The emotional baggage that can surround people’s words are too hard for me to filter through. They can say many different things when they are upset, but not get to the “actual” reason until hours later. This is for very different reasons compared to why an Aspie may not be able to articulate the reasons for their meltdown/shutdown.

It is exhausting and senseless to me.

I think it comes from the different ways of communication. I communicate and process emotions, ideas, thoughts, etc… through writing, analyzing, researching, reading, connecting thoughts and patterns. It takes me time to get to a finalized understanding of certain things. (This post has taken me three weeks to process through and there is much more my brain is dissecting.) Some of David’s forms of communication require talking, sharing ideas, brain storming, and having a ton of round table discussions. Those can be pure hell for me unless it is about one of my special interests. When it comes to emotions, yeah that is hell! Even the suggestion of it can send me into a tailspin of anxiety. When discussing emotional matters I seem to do much better in written form. I am able to read and process at my own pace. I have the ability to filter through unnecessary words much better as well. As a matter-of-fact, I can get jokes quicker and people’s meanings sooner in written form.

It can take days for me to recover from excessive commentary.

It can cause me to loop and try to seek understanding for things that I later discover meant nothing. If I am pressured to speak when I am upset, all kinds of things come out of me. I will not even remember what I said. I know that I do not mean half of it and the other half could be scripts that I picked up from shows, watching people in my childhood, and the people around me. I will manifest scripts just trying to make everything get calm and be over with. “If I say the right thing everything will stop!” Later, if it is brought up again I have no explanation for what I said, or why I said it. It can make me feel bad because then, I feel like a liar, but I didn’t even mean to lie. All of this can keep a foreboding feeling of a meltdown/shutdown, which causes inward tension because I do not want to go into a meltdown/shutdown again.

I just want quiet.

What I mean by quiet is the ability to calm my brain. I need my brain to stop sounding like a myriad of voices, sounds, crashes, bangs; it is like a tornado going on inside my head. I am struggling to find enough silence so I can think. It gets worse when people continue to harp on an issue, or try to get me to talk. I have noticed that many times when I have asked people to stop talking it seemed to be a trigger for them to start pounding me with words.

This has happened my entire life.

I remember feeling like screaming when people would not stop talking. They would ask me things like what is wrong, why are you acting that way, and why won’t you say anything? All I could do was act up or shutdown. If I acted out, I got my butt beat and I learned to hold them in, or wait until I was alone. There were times when I flung myself on the floor beating my head, hands, and feet screaming because I didn’t know how to tell the adults what was wrong. I had no way to express what was going on inside of my brain.

It is such a helpless feeling.

There have been moments when words caused me to hit my head with my hand over and over because it didn’t make sense. When I would try to explain myself, it only caused frustration. This did happen the other night and I gripped my fists, and started shaking then, the tears that I tried to hold back could no longer stay contained.

I was frustrated, confused, and scared.

My fears escalated because I had not had such an outburst in years. My mind was racing trying to figure out why I would go back to these behaviors when I have done so well all these years. In my mind I had gotten rid of these things because I had not been doing them. In reality I had learned to block them and lash them out in other ways. Instead of physical self-harm, I realized that I began to verbally abuse myself when I felt confused, unheard, frustrated, or misunderstood. I learned to turn everything inward.

It was the only way I knew how to cope.

The needs for each Asperger person during, and after a meltdown/shutdown are going to be different. They may change depending on what triggered the whole thing. In every situation we ALL need to feel safe, supported, accepted, and reassured that things are going to be alright. (I am not saying that it is ok for violence, or any type of abuse. If that is happening there are deeper issues at play and the person needs outside help.) When all feels as though it has settled, remember it may not be. It can take me days to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally after a meltdown/shutdown. Then, other times I am perfectly fine after it is over. There are no simple answers for meltdowns/shutdowns, but there are many resources and ways to help.

This has been a painful and scary post to write.

However, I felt like I should. I think it is important to address self-harming behaviors. Maybe there are some of you who start to attack yourself inward with words, thoughts, or even physically. You can help yourself. You need to find your way to express what is happening on the inside. You need to seek ways to help you to communicate to those who may be hurting you – they may not even realize that they are. Research and seek information to help you understand why you gravitate toward self-harming behaviors. Talk about it with someone, seek counseling if you need to, but do not keep it a secret and do not continue to attack yourself with guilt or shame. I also think that it is important to acknowledge that meltdowns/shutdowns happen and you are not a bad person for it.

There are so many contributing factors that play into the causes.

It has nothing to do with your self-worth, or you as a person. Those who care about you will be willing to listen, and help. The more you understand about your way of thinking, your sensory issues, and your triggers the better it is to handle meltdowns in a much more constructive way. My eruption actually helped me to see all of the things I had been suppressing. My meltdowns/shutdowns have been a tormenting secret to me and I recently realized that I was going to continue to torment myself if I didn’t expose them, learn to understand them, and accept them. So I share my secrets. Now I can move forward and help myself in a much more beneficial way. Hopefully this has brought some clarity and insight for others, if not I have given plenty of resource links to help! :-)

A few more resources to share.

A great TED video to watch.

Frank Warren: Half a million secrets

I cannot give enough props to the Autism Discussion Page. It is one of the best resources I have come across and has helped in so many ways for myself and my kids. Again, while these first four are geared mostly toward children they can be applied to adults as well. As with all of the resources I share I leave it up to the reader to make their personal judgements with what they read. I am simply sharing what I have read. To each his (her) own!

Shutdowns and Meltdowns

Don’t punish meltdowns!

Calming Meltdowns

Emotional world on the spectrum!

Aspergers and Self-Injury

INTRODUCTION TO SELF-INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

UNDERSTANDING AND TREATING SELF-INJURIOUS BEHAVIOR

This popped out at me right away when reading the last article.

Social Causes

Communication

“Communication problems have often been associated with self-injurious behavior. If a person has poor receptive and/or has poor expressive language skills, then this may lead to frustration and escalate into self-injury.”

 


 

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
05/4/12

Speaking Of Meltdowns I

I am trying very hard to keep this post direct, and clear sharing the many resources that helped me. I had to analyze and process many years of information that had been tucked away in my mind. I am using the recent events between David and myself, but much of this applies to numerous social encounters and relationships that I have had. I need to first clarify that my entire life I had no idea that others experienced my meltdowns/shutdowns. I watched my mother have them – as I got older I assumed that I had learned the behavior and that it was controllable. When they would happen, after me using all of my willpower trying to control them, I would spiral into deep depression and self-condemnation. I assumed it was based on my emotional dysfunctions. Many times this brought me great confusion, and would trigger negative self-talk.

“Why couldn’t I just be alright and not act ‘all crazy’?”

I have gone through this line of thinking since a child. It is hard-wired in my brain and I struggled deeply to understand myself. It is crucial that I understand myself in order to accept my limitations and be able to see and accept my strengths. It is very important to me that I stay intuitive with my children. I do believe that understanding myself helps me understand my children and know how to be a better mother. When I was faced with Daniel’s meltdowns, starting while he was an infant, I wasn’t sure what was going on. In my gut I felt like something was wrong. It did not feel like a regular child tantrum. I did not respond to them like they were tantrums either. Something inside me understood that he was not doing it on purpose. It was still confusing, draining, and would exhaust me. I never thought of myself as sharing in this same type of behavior. In my eyes he was a child and that meant he lacked the control I had as an adult.

The mindset that an adult Aspie has full control over their meltdowns is erroneous.

While I do have the ability to stop them sooner at times, work through them in a more controlled way, and possibly be able to communicate the reasons later, they are not always controllable. Understanding that has given me great freedom. Removing the shackles of guilt has allowed me to explore ways to help myself. It is a shift in thinking, and part of the acceptance of myself. I have accepted my looping process, I have accepted my anxiety issues, I have accepted my social confusion, and with all the acceptance has come progress. It has helped me to learn with a clear mind becoming much more capable of handling my situations.

The embrace of limitations has brought a boundless amount of healing for me.

Stripping off negative thinking about my meltdowns/shutdowns has removed condemnation, and that makes life a whole lot easier. I can’t function when I feel like a horrible person, or like I have done something wrong. If you are not aware of the difference between meltdown and shutdown here are several resources I recommend. Some of these resources are geared toward children, but they do apply for adults as well. Sometimes meltdowns/shutdowns can be triggered by something entirely different than what is being expressed during the meltdown.

Shutdown: A Specific Type of Meltdown

Aspergers Meltdowns – Part 1 of 2 (video)

Aspergers Meltdowns – Part 2 of 2 (video)

Aspergers Meltdowns vs. Temper Tantrums (video)

Aspergers Meltdowns versus Temper Tantrums (post)

MY meltdown had been building up for over eight years.

I did have a few small eruptions throughout these years, but ended up stuffing them down because I was too confused or unable to articulate what was bothering me. There was another huge factor – my life’s focus was on Daniel and trying to help him. I felt like I HAD to control and ignore my emotions for the sake of all of my children. I also was trying to keep life as stress-free as possible for David. He did not ask me to, I just felt like that was what I needed to do to keep a calm house.

Since David and I have been together, it has been continual change.

I have not had any down time to deal with all of the instability in my life. I have been a mess for years trying to establish order and stability. David does not have a need for order, and stability the way that I do. He does not get tripped up or stuck by details like I do. For instance, having a house completely unpacked and everything in its proper place is not that important to him, to me it can cause a series of emotional break-downs. Once things would start to feel settled then, something would happen and shake everything up. Another move, (this is our sixth house) a new job, a different church, etc…During these years I had to be alright for everyone else. This is a lifelong role that I have had so it was an automatic process. I have completely denied myself to ensure that everyone else was fine. I think that it is part learned and part my personality that seeks to help everyone.

In our time of marriage we have moved across the country twice.

The first move I was completely isolated from family, and ended up having no friends. I only had David and the kids. We went through traumatic church/ministry issues, God issues, family issues, waking into the world of autism, and many, many things. I am surprised it took me this long to erupt. My frustrations and anger have been boiling for years because I have tried to express myself in multiple ways. I thought I was making myself very clear, but David forgets things and didn’t understand the severity of some of the things I was sharing.

There is no fault, or finger pointing here.

We both have our issues, and we both have had a lot going on in our lives dealing with stress differently. I am used to holding all of my stuff in to try to make the other person happy. In one way I molded myself into a very similar image to him so that I could be empathetic and stay supportive. I got exhausted trying to explain myself, and having the conversations spin into different directions. I spoke up on certain issues, but many times, I gave up and submitted to whatever he was saying.

I became too tired to do anything else, but shutdown.

He never asked this of me. He has never forcibly done this. I was seeking calm and quiet. There is a lot packed into all of this, but frankly, I was desperately seeking stability. I shutdown parts of myself to cope. Again, there are many factors that play into this I am not saying that David is the sole reason. He is not and he has tried his best to be supportive as best he can. We thought we understood each other, but in reality we have both been speaking foreign languages to each other.

A great quick read to insert here would be “Misinterpreting emotional cues goes both ways!”  

There are many changes going on here sending me into a tailspin of instability. David has started a new job that has brought him into many transitions causing anxieties and added tension. I am moving into new areas and trying to transition into the move that is supposed to happen in several months. One of our goals with this move is to transition me into being fully self-sufficient. I have lost a lot of my skills that I had while I was in the the world on my own. I need to regain them. That lingers anxiety in my mind as well. In addition, our relationship has changed on multiple levels in the past year.

I have gotten exasperated repeatedly over the years with David’s way of communication.

He is a person who talks out everything. I do not do this, and I can get overwhelmed with having to “discuss” everything. The night of my meltdown, I had been on the verge of explosion all day. I could feel the tension from David, and so could the kids. I was having my own issues because we were encountering a new social situation the next day. Also, I had been talking on the phone dealing with Daniel’s reevaluation schedule. As well as not getting enough sleep for days. Plus, the kids had their own meltdown issues that I was trying to stop from erupting all day.

I felt accosted by negative energy and couldn’t take it.

Long story short, we both got angry and frustration levels hit the roof. We have never had an episode like this, though I am sure it was still quite tame compared to others. In the past, I would shutdown, and internalize with self-condemning talk. This whole thing was very surprising as well because David and I have not had fights throughout our marriage. This was our first fight in our, over 8 years together. I read “How the rules of relationships need to change to accommodate the needs of meltdown-prone adults” recently and it made a lot of sense to me.

Throughout our marriage, we have always had “other” enemies.

It was not until this summer that I began to see just how far I had spiraled into a completely different person in order survive my life. There were times this summer when I felt so helpless that I could not talk, or eat. This brings me to how much David did not (does not at times) understand how exasperating it is for me to have to “talk things out.” One night over the summer, after three hours of non-stop talking, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I started to lose it. I needed quiet, I had already shutdown, I told him that I could not talk anymore, but he needed to talk. I asked him to please just stop. He didn’t understand my behavior, or the extent of my frustration and exhaustion. I scared myself because I started having thoughts of self-harm. I had not had them in years.

I was able to snap out of it, but it was after I had a minor meltdown.

This last meltdown had taken over in a way that I haven’t done since my last ex-husband. That is a long story, but it was well over 10 years ago. Throughout my life I have had meltdowns that felt like I was out of my body watching my physical body being utterly helpless to stop what I was doing. I had no control. (This brought about many fears during my lifetime that’s another whole post.) This night I didn’t even remember things that I had done. There is one thing that always causes me to shutdown or erupt and that is when someone will not stop talking, or leave me alone when I ask (tell) them to. It is triggered to heights when I believe that the person is well-aware of this. I think they are doing it on purpose. I can’t process. I cannot think. It makes it worse when words like always and never are used because it makes my mind start to race into a movie – scene by scene for every year I have known them.

I comb over all of my actions, words, and the other person’s too.

I begin pointing out things that prove that it could not be true that I “never” do this or I “always” do that. Which can escalate into other arguments and frustrations for the other person. This particular night I could not even do that until later, my brain filled with black inside, and I went blank. Unbeknownst to me I put my hands over my ears, pacing back and forth in the living room yelling, “Stop it!” over and over again. (The kids were in bed in case anyone was wondering where they were at.)

I do not remember doing that.

I do vaguely remember thinking “Stop talking, please God make him stop talking.” It was during that when the words about “being a seven-year old” were thrown into the air. My mind was hazy, dizzy, and consumed with just needing quiet. At that point, I screamed something not very nice. I have never, ever done that to him before. Part of it came from years of feeling like I have not been heard, and that all of the things I have done were nonexistent in a moment. Those words were also a trigger for experiences with other people in my life. I was consumed with confusion as well because David had never talked to me that way and I didn’t understand this sudden change.

When I erupted I was not in a right frame of mind.

David went upstairs and I went into my bathroom. I started to beat my head with my hands, clawed at my arms, pinched, and dug at my flesh, while my head spun in anger. Then, I began to hyperventilate I think it helped me grab a moment of reality causing me to be able to stop myself for a second. I was able to think clearly, and tell myself that I had to go talk to David. I knew that I had to stop my behavior. I went upstairs still fuming, controlling myself as much as possible. I ended up breaking down in sobs because I just couldn’t explain things to him in terms that he understood. I already have such a hard time understanding him when it comes to emotional type of things. I know that it can be incredibly frustrating for him to talk to and understand me as well. We have very different ways of communicating. (I want to add that I have shared this post with David.)

He describes our different ways of communication as him being horizontal and me being vertical.

These are simple images of how I see it – sound waves seem appropriate.

David

 

Me

To be continued Speaking Of Meltdowns II…

Additional resources.

The Aspie Meltdown – An Insiders Point of View – Part 1

The Aspie Meltdown – An Insiders Point of View – Part 2

The Adult Aspie Meltdown


 

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
06/5/11

Feelings of Inadequacy

There are some things in my life that I feel fearful sharing because I am afraid of feeling inadequate or incompetent. I have a fear of being perceived as lacking intelligence or discovering I have said something that is incorrect. I have had this as long as I can remember and I believe it stemmed early on, possibly while in kindergarten. I remember the woman who ran the place said some pretty rotten things to me. She wasn’t exclusively rotten to me but I got a large chunk since I had to be there a lot.

It was a private school.

I had to be there before it opened and after it closed because of my mom’s work schedule. My mom also worked there part-time in order for me to go to that school, along with her other jobs. I had to help out, setting up for the school days and clean up after as well. I really didn’t mind that at all, I actually thought it was fun. I did not like the horrible way the woman talked to me or the things she said. I recall her calling me stupid if I didn’t hear her or understand what she meant by what she said.

I believe I wrote this before but I can’t remember where.

There was one time she told me to do something and I couldn’t hear her, she repeated it and I still could not understand her. She then told me to “Get my head out of my butt and listen”. I stood there devastated by the image that was in my head at first, how that could possibly happen? Then I realized it was an awful thing to say to a 5 or 6-year-old, even though I did not fully understand it. I was extremely upset and still confused by the time my mom came and got me.

My mom knew something was wrong because I had shutdown.

She finally got out of me what had happened, my mom then marched into that woman’s office. I do not know what she said but she did have some choice words for her and the woman never said that to me again. However, she still wasn’t the most pleasant woman. All of these thoughts about my intelligence have resurfaced recently because I started reading John Elder Robison’s book Look Me in the Eye, now he has a new one that I would like to get as well, called Be Different.

As I have been reading it I have seen many similarities and CLEAR differences.

I really enjoy reading from other ASD perspectives. His humor is a bit on the darker side for me but I get it. (This is kind of a big deal since I have a hard time with certain humor.) As I read the last chapter called “Collecting the Trash” I laughed so loud that I thought I would wake up the kids. I just started reading Chapter 11 “The Flaming Washtub” and it is hard to put it down. He truly is a great story-teller. I actually found out about John Elder Robison through watching Running with Scissors, (I did not read the book) I was so intrigued by the story that I researched the writer that the memoir was based on. They are brothers. None of that really matters I guess, I can’t help myself. :-)

Anyway…

As I read Chapter 9 “I Drop Out of High School”, I was very interested because I dropped out and I felt completely inadequate, dumb and embarrassed by this for many years. As I read this chapter I could relate to so many things and I felt relief. I read the part about it being suggested that he get his GED, and if he got at least a 75% they would treat him as a graduate and he could leave high school. He took the test and got 96%. They offered him a diploma for a small recording fee. Here is the part that I so wish I could do, the clerk told him $20 and he said “No thanks” then added “I don’t need your diploma”. GEEZ! I wish I could do that. My personal story of school is not a good one; it wasn’t that I couldn’t do the work it was that I needed to be taught differently. I also had a lot of social confusion and other issues going on. I got labeled “Basic” and “Intermediate” early on and then categorized in classes with fellow classmates that fell under those labels.

I assumed the authority figures knew what they were talking about.

They all thought I was dumb, so I must be. I now understand that I have dyspraxia and other forms of dyslexia. At an early age I spent a lot of time reading out loud, I believe this helped me a lot. My mom encouraged it as well so I think she helped, along with encouraging reading all the time. I still do this if I am unable to get the words to read properly in my head from the page. Sometimes they dance or have too many colors. I have difficulty with my auditory processing, which caused a lot of problems in school. A lot of things would just mesh together and not make anything coherent in my brain. The sound from chalk boards hurt to the core of my body, the dust and the smell would make me sick, even if I was in the back of the room.

I had test anxiety my whole life, but my teachers thought I was just being disruptive or lazy.

I got to a point where I would just write whatever, leave it blank, or circle multiple choices based on random images in my head without even reading the questions. When I decided to quit high school, they pretty much didn’t care. My freshman year I got expelled for skipping too many days. I got back in after meeting with the school council with my mom. We shared how she was going through a divorce. Also how I was taking care of my toddler sister and baby sister after school, evenings and weekends while my mother worked. I was helping to take care of the household as well as going to school. They seemed to have pity on us and let me back as long as I pulled up my grade point average, I did. My sophomore year, I continued to skip, especially once I got a car and I got expelled for smoking in the bathroom several times. I quit smoking in 1999. Yea!

The winter of my junior year I started working and found my new special interest, work.

By the time my senior year came along, I had so many meltdowns in the vice-principles office, had been expelled, skipped so many days, had extreme social anxiety at school, and was only happy at work that I decided to quit school. I went to work full-time. I was my happiest when working. I could escape the troubles of home and I had a bit less responsibility. My mom however, did expect me to keep up with the house and help with watching the girls. I did get my GED much later in life after several years of not being in school. I took it without preparing at all and I also had to take a test on the Constitution, I didn’t study for that either. I got a passing percentage for both but I do not remember now what they were. I am not going to attempt to find it, I passed with a pretty high score on both, and I do remember that.

It didn’t matter to me though, I still felt stupid.

A GED wasn’t a high school diploma and in my mind it was much lower. I realize now that is not the case. I do wonder at times, if I would have had a teacher who gave a vested interest in me, if I would have gone into academics. Who knows, it doesn’t really matter I am very happy where I am at. I am also on a journey of accepting myself completely and that means rejecting the labels given to me in school by my teachers, schools and fellow students.

My mom never labeled me with those things.

However, she never said anything different either. She would only say things like, you are smart enough to get school done, just get it over with. Her mom had said something similar to her because she wanted to quit too but she didn’t. She finished out and got her diploma, even though the school didn’t want her there because of her “condition”, being pregnant at 16 yrs old. She later went to college for a few years, but had to quit because she was working several different jobs and had to take care of me also.

I personally just wanted to work.

I had no desire to go to college because I thought it would be the same as high school, no thanks! I read this article recently and found it interesting, College is a waste of time. Though, I do now have some desire, it may still be a part of my future. I did very well at work; I was good at everything I did so I stuck with it. I didn’t have feelings of inadequacy or incompetence. It didn’t even cross my mind. But I still felt inadequate at times, mainly for social reasons. At times I feel like if I don’t have the education through means of schooling, than I have no right to talk about it.

All my reading and researching means nothing to me, it is never enough.

I do not hold others to this standard and I am not sure why I do this to myself. It is at those times when I am feeling that I am not qualified to say anything or write about something, that I wish I had that trait that John Elder Robison has, I wish I didn’t feel need for validation. I wish I didn’t have that self-doubt. David has that trait like John and I admire it very much. Although, there are times that it can be a bad trait, if used wrongly or if the person has an unteachable spirit. I still think it would be nice sometimes to allow myself to just say “You know what, I have an opinion and based on what I have read, I am allowed to share it without any anxiety.”

I am working on these feelings; I do not think they are all wrong, possibly a bit misplaced.


 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
03/23/11

Pretty, Pretty Tired….

My sister and crew left yesterday, it all went really well and I have some great things to post once my mind and body have rested a bit. All of the kids did amazing but I can feel the any second, any thing could be “the one” to cause a meltdown moment. It was a lot of social, sensory, change, and activity but it was a very good and positive experience. Now all of us are going to be processing everything we have gone through and our feelings, that is always indeterminable. We just never know how we will respond, I have gotten better at early signs and helping before things escalate, however it is still a mystery how each of us will process. But so far all is good and I am thanking God for the miracles that did take place and the ones that are happening right now!

I was so happy and thankful to everyone who commented on my post regarding relationships.

All of you gave great insight and had very helpful input. So here is my shout out to:

Aspergirl Maybe

Lisa @ Alienhippy

Bruce @ Born 2b me

Diane @ Don’t Panic

Thank you all so very much and I truly enjoy our internet relationships!


 


2 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
02/28/11

I’ll Take That

I cannot even write much but I do need to write something because my mind is just spinning. The last couple days have taken all of my energy. Daniel is having a very hard time and that means several hours of not fun for anyone in the house. I will just leave it at that. I think he is having sinus problems and he doesn’t know how to tell me. He gets upset with me when I do not know what is wrong or how to help him and then he will refuse to let me help him at all. We had a pretty intense day yesterday, he was incredibly upset with me, I tried to give him medicine because I did manage to get out of him “my head hurts”, David had to come down and hold him because he would not let me give it to him.

After we got the medicine in him, David was holding him (deep pressure love) and he laid with David quietly.

They were laying on the floor watching me, Ariel and Joshua play, he said “I love you Daddy”. He said it in his sweet, soft voice and I wasn’t sure if I had heard him right. I asked him what he said again “I love you Daddy”. YES! That was the first time ever he had said that to David. The moment brought tears to our eyes. It may be rough at times and it may take a lot of energy but man I love it when he surprises us like that! He has still been kind of um…not so fun today, but he did start taking his vitamins whole for me and I no longer have to cut them into small pieces, I’ll take that. :-)

I am happy to say that even though it has been rough, I am still at peace.

I may not be able to think very well, my mind is all fuzzy, but I haven’t gone into complete overload or shut down mode. Hopefully, Daniel will feel better. We are all feeling off because we just got a warm front come in and there is pollen everywhere which causes us sinus problems. At least it’s sunny, I will be thankful for that, along with the other things. :-)


 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
10/17/09

Relationships, What? Part III

I have to confess that I did have tantrums, freak outs, I would get violent and say some pretty nasty things. That was the only way I knew how to express what I was feeling. If I didn’t lash out I would begin to hold it in and harm myself. I did start cutting myself. I wrote some really dark stories and poems. I wanted to escape. I would spend time alone listening to music praying to die. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be loved. I didn’t even know what love was but I knew it was not what these guys had offered me. After I came to believe in Jesus, which I believe was led by God because no person got me to that point, I got to that point by reading the Bible from beginning to end and having Jesus revealed to me through that.

I believe I had an encounter that opened my eyes and began to show me that I had value.

By the time I met David, I had written off men and decided I would devote myself to Jesus. I devoted my life to doing what I felt Jesus wanted me to do, tell others how much He loves them. I still do that I believe God does love people and our mission on earth is to spread that love through letting others know they are valued. We all have gifts and talents that should be shared. We all need to know that we should be cared for, recognized, cherished for who were are. Not religion, not others interpretation of who God is and how you should live, just acceptance where you are for who you are and build into to you so that you can succeed in being the best unique you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off.

I met David which is a very long story that will have to wait.

He has been the best person to come into my life. I know God placed him in my life because he has loved me with no games. He has been everything that I have needed to overcome past pains. He has helped me to help myself. He has built into to me and encouraged me. He has brought me hope and not only told me that I am valued, he has valued me. We are open and honest with each other. We say what we mean and sometimes we hurt each other without meaning to but we discuss it. We talk. We share. We wrestle with the issues of our faith, the inconsistencies, the personal struggles, we work together to build into our children.

We also hardly leave our house, have limited friends, and keep a fortress of solitude.

We are two people with Aspie traits that just so happen to have enough of the same obsessions along with enough differences to challenge each other constantly. David works from home and I stay home with the kids. We like our life like this. We have to push ourselves to get out because otherwise we would never see anyone and be perfectly happy with that. Well we do like to  socialize but it takes so much out of us, we know that we have to for ourselves and especially our kids. We want to help them be able to be around people and have fun. Our kids have helped us to be more social. We all work together to help each other.

I say all of that to say it is not ok for people to be treated the way I was.

It is not ok for any person to go through a lot of what I went through but I do not know the major effects it can have on people who are on the autism spectrum. Abuse is not ok. People with autism and on the spectrum need people to be aware for them. We have got to watch out for abuse. I have been very protective of Daniel because he is still unable to tell me if someone has harmed him. He is just beginning to tell me when he has been hurt but still has a hard time telling me where and how. We have got to stay alert and on top of the way people treat those who are different, those who are unable to recognize abuse.

I would like to know how these kinds of situations effect other people on the spectrum.

I feel that several of things I have mentioned may seem quite silly, if I listed all of the things that were done to me I am positive people would think me crazy. However, for me these things were devastating. The situations caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I don’t think I am the only one and that is why I am writing this. I believe that it is both therapeutic for me and others to know that these things are not ok. No one should ever be treated this way and no one should feel like they deserve it. I am thankful to have David who helped me to understand that these things are wrong. If it wasn’t for him walking me through and building into me, I would still feel as though I deserved to be treated poorly by others. I have accepted this from people I dated, people I worked with, people I went to school with, people I went to church with over and over, I have accepted bullying and abuse as my fault. The majority of the time I didn’t even know it was abuse or bullying.

I know this is a long post and I hope you made it through without being terribly bored!

Here are some resources.

http://www.scn.org/autistics/abuse.html

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/commonproblems/Child_Abuse.html


 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share
05/15/09

Confused

 

From the beginning I had this feeling that something was different with Daniel. I couldn’t place it but I felt it. He would just scream and scream and I did everything I could think of to help him. He was extremely colicky. But he would only cry at certain times, he would throw his arms up and make this sound that was something I never heard before, when he was cold. Now that I look back I can see he would get upset at many things that had to do with sensory issues.

No chunky or crunchy food!

He began to walk not crawl at 8 months old, he actually began to run not walk. He wouldn’t eat chunky food, he had no desire. He would not drink from a cup still does not fully but we have had major progress in this area. Ariel didn’t seem to have any of these eating  problems. He wouldn’t look at us. I would call his name over and over again. I knew he could hear us. He would look sometimes if there was a sound or if I said his name, while he was playing he would once ever so often smile a little. (He did have a hearing test later, no problems) Hardly any eye contact. Since Ariel didn’t show any of these signs I thought maybe it was because he was a boy. I had never been around baby boys before.

Then there was the meltdowns.

I noticed that he would have melt downs in the store and then it would last for a long time at home. As he got older the only thing I could do was let him be in his room. I became pregnant again and it took all my energy. My little Joshua didn’t give me the great pregnancy that the twins did. This little guy made me sick. I blew up like a balloon and got vertigo. David had an office job at the time that was very stressful for us both so that added to the dynamics.

Please stop screaming!

Daniel would just scream, sometimes he would scream all day non stop. I would try to give him everything I could, do whatever, find toys, put on shows anything but nothing would work. When David would come home I would be so frazzled that I would just break down. There was nothing I could do. Then there would be days where he was perfectly fine. It made no sense. No rhyme or reason. One day he would love something the next day he would hate it.

Anything that spins.

He only found happiness in anything that would spin. So I found everything I could, all things that spin. That made him happy. He was almost two and still not eating solid foods. We told his doctor and he didn’t think anything was wrong with Daniel because he seemed very social. He was kind of social; he would make eye contact sometimes, smile, and look at people sometimes. To on lookers or other people he just looked like a busy toddler who wouldn’t sit or behave. To us we just thought he was like us, he didn’t like being around a lot of people. We just thought we didn’t like people or something, well that wasn’t really the case we just had to come up with some reason why we never fit in with others. That seemed the easiest route.

 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share