Continued from Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II
This past weekend, I knew that I would be somewhat affected because of my sister’s baby shower. I knew that I would have mixed emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, and possibly confusion if I saw pictures. I did not realize that it would send me into tears for multiple days, feelings of panic, depression, and feeling that other’s find me utterly worthless. Remember, I do not think of myself like that on a regular basis – this enhances my confusion that can lead into thinking that if even my own family does not acknowledge or value what I do or who I am then, I should not either. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is what happens to me.
My mind will become bombarded with every instance my father made a promise and did not follow through.
In the past, when I have tried to share what I have accomplished, I felt as if he dismissed it by telling me what he, my sisters, or strangers had accomplished which, was normally some athletic, music, or religious type of accomplishment. My dad had no idea that I wrote poetry filtered with science. He does not know my mind. He did give me praise when I shared one of my poetry books. It is not about that, my mind has forty years of feeling unwanted and unloved. If you were to ask my dad, he would find that ludicrous. He fought for me, he wanted me, he loved me so much, but his actions and words have indicated otherwise – to me.
When the triggers come, they attack like bullets to my chest.
I hurt so badly, I go through the feelings of heartbreak, which is painful. I go through the grieving process (this can apply to grieving parental relationship or any relationship too) and find my balance once again, but whenever a family event, image, something that I am not in the loop with or I am not mentioned, it all comes back and swallows me whole. I can siphon many of the thoughts now. I can recognize when I am thinking irrationally.
I can recognize my OCD type of obsessive family thoughts more so recently.
Before I had no idea, why I could not control my thoughts and it caused me to think that something was wrong with me. I attribute it to one of my familiar “mind loops,” I have certain ones that have been with me for as long as I can remember. Now that I understand the effects of PTSD, anxiety, some of this is because of my synesthesia, (I have intense connections, emotions, colors, tastes, music, memories, etc … attached to my thoughts.) and the way my Autistic brain processes. My mind can become stuck on a word, an incident, an emotional response from me or someone else, or a conversation that happened when I was ten.
I know immediately that I am feeling something when I gravitate toward facebook to look and see what everyone is up to.
I did not know that it was my way of trying to desensitize myself. An example of irrational thoughts spiraling through my head is from the other night. Within a 30-minute time frame I went from thinking of the word embarrass to believing that all of my family even my aunt wanted nothing to do with me. By the end of my thoughts, I had decided that we would never go to a family event.
I would stop going to any of my aunt’s workout classes because she didn’t want me there anyway. (That is not a true statement.)
I would shut down my personal facebook and lock myself up away from all people. I knew my thoughts were irrational, but I hurt so deeply that I could not see clearly. I could give you a list of all the ways that I have felt rejected. I have probably written a ton of ways on here where I have felt physically or emotionally abandoned – I have been blogging so long and probably about the same loops I am sure there are many incidents floating around on here. However, I do not think it would help to write anymore now.
What will help is embracing the pains.
I acknowledge that they are real and I need to fill up my deficit. I continue to be stuck on this issue because I cannot make sense of it. I have dissected it analytically and emotionally. My mom did not communicate it in the best of ways; she is a very direct, straight to the point Aspie who does not always have compassion when she cannot understand. However, what she was trying to help me understand is that I would never “get it” and that I needed to find a way to move forward. I brought some of this stuff up again on Sunday and she just did not get why I was still having a problem with it, but she did put it in these terms regarding my sisters; she asked, “If you met your sisters outside of family, say they were strangers and you met them would you hang out with them?”
The answer, most likely not.
We have virtually nothing in common. I did have a list of things that they like that are SO not me, but that felt rather negative. The reality is I enjoy researching, reading, writing, collecting information, being alone, spending hours outside staring at creatures and plants. I am eclectic in the books, poems, music, blogs, and research that I read. We are so different that I find it hard to find any common ground – that confuses me too and may be a huge chunk of my issue. How can we share the same genes and be so different? However, logically I understand that many siblings, families are very different, (and we are half sisters) for some reason it is hard for me to grasp.
I think I will eventually be able to have some real healing in this area for myself.
The hardest things for me to move passed are the feeling that my kids are ignored and that Autism is rejected. I feel like Autism is rejected from their perspective, it is a negative label and something that we really do not talk about. This hurt mostly comes from my dad. He told me from the beginning not to accept labels – labels represent low expectations and we will only live up to those expectations if we accept the labels on ourselves. I understand to a point what he was trying to say. I still find this the most difficult and the most hurtful. It is hard enough trying to change the paradigm of society when it comes to Autism, but when you do not have the support or even open communication with family it is hard.
It is different with my mom and other sisters since we discovered that my mom is an Aspie too.
It has taken time, but my mom finally saw herself and it opened up a whole world of understanding for her and my sisters. We now “get” each other much more and understand our different Aspie ways … well now we understand why we do things the way we do. I cannot openly share with my dad and (some of that side of my family) how it has benefited us as a family and me as person to have the diagnosis for Daniel and myself. It gives answers, it gives hope, and it leads to help. It has brought me more self-awareness and self-acceptance, but I am outwardly rejected because they do not understand or think of it as a good thing. It hurts.
I cannot share my struggles and tell them that I am Autistic because I feel that they will blame the struggles on autism or some outward source.
I cannot share myself or the reality of our life because it will fuel into the negativity already associated with it. I do not feel that they will see any positives about Autism. That feels like an unspoken and constant state of rejection. I have to wade through it in society and in my own family. It leaves me in a constant state of feeling unloved and unable to love because I have to protect my heart from the harsh world. I am fragile and strong at the same time. I am confident, but feel that I am wrong for being whom I am. I am opened and shut-off from the world simultaneously. I am deeply wounded, but incredibly hopeful.
I care with a passion for life and all that it has to offer to the point of tears and I am struck with emotions so overwhelming that I cannot describe them.
I fear rejection, but constantly put myself out there. I know these things must be confusing and challenging for others as much as is it for myself. I am sure that my perceptions can me filtered through my social confusion and anxieties. My biggest contributor to pain is being confused – if I can find a place of peace for my confusion I think I could move on much sooner. I am pretty sure that many of these things can be settled in my mind if I stop being confused by other’s emotions and use of language. That thought process is a whole other post.
This stuff hurts, but I am determined to uproot these wounds and move forward.