I am reposting my very first blog post along with some additional thoughts in celebration of my four-year blogoversary. Originally, posted May 13, 2009.
I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said, “Let’s go I can’t have that.” Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.
My twins were finally here!
I held Daniel right away, but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.
I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.
I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and “normal.” At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was around three. My single mom worked her butt off, but we were still in the lower income class up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family – that was my life.
Later my mom being remarried having their own children, everyone belonged except for me.
(Several years later divorced again, now a single mom with three girls.) The torture of being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember – abusive relationships and my turmoil with wanting friends/relationships, never “fitting in,” but desperately wanting to still longing for solitude all at the same time.
No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!
I thought that David and I could be stable; we could work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely, our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?
I am adding to this post now. (May 19, 2013)
A lot has happened since this first post. I have learned much and I have changed a great deal. My expectations of “normal” are diminished and I no longer carry the burden of society’s delusional view of normalcy. I have spent the last four years educating myself on many neurological issues. Before I had only focused on certain aspects of Autism, aspects that were skewed by other people’s lack of understanding and my own misunderstandings. When I started this blog, I was still heavily reliant upon others to help guide my way through this world.
I had lost my voice completely and became a shell of me.
I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was – I was too busy trying to find answers and help Daniel. I became dependent upon David to tell me whom to trust and about the world. I had become isolated, depressed, and anxiety ridden. The day I wrote and published this it was the day that my subconscious had had enough and took over to try to pull me out of the pit I had buried myself in. There is so much more that I could write, but at this moment, I feel that I am done.
My writings from May 2009 are only shadows of person that I am having a hard time relating to.
She was make-believe, hidden under the voices of everyone else. The only thing that is still the same is my love and utter devotion to my children. Sure there are traces of the real me throughout all of my writings. It is rather hard for me to articulate my true meaning. However, it has only been the past year that I uncovered layers of myself that I was unaware existed. A lifetime of my “self” being smashed down for the sake of trying to survive this world had blinded me to many things.
I am proud of all that I uncovered about myself.
By gaining the knowledge that I am Autistic, I have been able to accept and understand myself much more. My official diagnosis helped me a great deal, some do not need that, but I needed it for my self-acceptance and healing process. My self-esteem has boosted a bit, and even on days when I feel inadequate I know that it is only a fleeting emotion based upon other’s perceptions or inability to accept me. I have accomplished a lot in these four years. I feel that I am a better person – I am a real person. I have always been honest; I shared what I believed in that moment of time to be true.
However, we are all in a constant state of change.
Our views change, our interests may change, our understanding about our world changes, if we allow ourselves to be continual learners we are open to a lifetime of change. I think one of the things that I noticed looking back through my older posts, is that though my perspectives and views may have changed, my character and values have remained. I care deeply for people, I am willing to be vulnerable and open for the sake of healing and helping others, and my children are everything to me.
Those are just a few I can think of off the top of my head.
This poem was originally on the first post. I did not edit it. It was a moment of my heart and I still feel this way.
Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.
The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.
Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.
We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.
They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.
They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.
Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!
They are perfect in every way,
being themselves as they play.
All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.
My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.
This week we have been VERY busy. I have been pushing the boundaries with the kids to get school complete by the 21st. I have worked with Daniel, stretching him beyond anything I have done throughout the year. It is no wonder the poor guy is having a difficult time, BUT he is doing amazing and it is showing him just how much he can accomplish. Unfortunately, this week is packed with social extravaganza because my mom is in town.
It is good and unfortunate.
She originally, had planned on coming at the end of June, but she was able to get plane tickets $200 cheaper if she came this week. She just got them without talking to me. She had no idea that this would be “crunch time” for the end of school. However, the good thing is that my mom understands and she is staying with my grandma. Those two go on adventures of their own in the morning and then, we see them after school is finished for the day. I wish we were able to see more of her, but the truth is we ALL get socially exhausted. My mom can only spend a certain amount of time socializing before she starts to get cranky and lose her filters. (She is not the only one!)
Once again, I say it is good and unfortunate.
It is unfortunate that we cannot do as others do and squeeze every last bit of socializing out to try to make it last for another year, but we are not made that way. It’s ok! The good is that we ALL understand and it does not hurt anyone’s feelings. Yesterday, we went to the zoo. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm (finally) and there was a nice breeze. I noticed that on the website that they offer a discount if you are a resident, but I had no way to prove my residency because I still have not gotten my driver’s license and nothing is in my name. I was a little bummed because I like to take advantage of discounts as much as possible!
When we got to the window, I realized that I knew the girl.
I was so excited. I then, blurted out, “Oh! You know I live here right?” She said, “Yes” with a chuckle. I did not think anything of it until later. I knew her from my spin class. My aunt is also her personal trainer. Interestingly, she had not been to spin class for over a month, but the night before she had come back. She had an injury so she had to take time off. Monday night was the first night I actually had a conversation with her. It was not until we got home that mom started cracking jokes about me saying, “Oh! You know I live here right?” I looked at her confused and asked, “What? Did I say something wrong?”
She reassured me that I had done nothing wrong.
However, from another person’s perspective it could have seemed very odd. Apparently, I was very loud, excited, and went into detail of how I did not have a proof of residency. I did all of that and then, be-bopped away as if nothing had happened. So my grandma and mom had no idea how I knew this person and they found it amusing that I was so insistent on getting that discount. Later, my mom realized that I was starting to loop about my “odd” behavior and what I had said because they were making jokes about it. She told me, “Stop! We were just teasing you. You did nothing wrong. Do not loop!”
After she said that I said, “Well I am glad I did it with that girl because she is used to my aunt!”
My whole family does awkward social things. It has helped in social settings when meeting new people who also know my family members. We are all a bit unique (odd) in our own ways and when we tell people that we are related they seem to get an “understanding” type of look on their face. Whatever that means.
Back to the zoo.
We received a map for the zoo and I was taken aback at Daniel’s response. He was filled with excitement. Once he discovered the map was for whole zoo he requested to hold it. He watched for animal markers so he could know where we were at every moment. At first, he asked me why the animals did not move. I had to explain to him that the map was not interactive. He found great flaw in that and could not understand why the zoo would not make an interactive map. Lol!
It was the first time that I noticed Daniel truly able to enjoy himself.
There were moments when he was extremely anxious if Ariel and Joshua got too far away for him, or if mom and grandma lagged behind too far. He was afraid that we would lose them. I had to reassure him that we would not lose them and that I could see them with no problem. He ended up enjoying the map much more than the animals, except for the turtles because turtles are his “favorite ever!” He was calm and able to focus because he could gauge the distance between each place we were going. He knew what to look for and he knew the markers that showed us it was the end.
It did not occur to me that for him to have a map would help his anxieties.
I cannot believe I have not thought of it before! When we got home, he asked me all about the map and said that he wished that he had a map of our house. I told him that I could print off maps from the internet if he wanted me to and I asked him if that would help if I did every time, we were going somewhere. He squealed with excitement and said, “You can do that?” He asked me to print off a map for him that is from our house to the YMCA.
He has been carrying his maps with him around the house, studying them.
Earlier today, he asked me if he could do the iPad while he was on a break from school. I let him choose whatever he wants since it is his free time. Lately, it has been MAPS! Hello, me! He has been meandering on Google maps and Quake Viz. You can watch a demo here QuakeViz App Demo. I did not connect the dots until yesterday at the zoo that maps would make Daniel a very happy boy. I had not considered how it would greatly reduce his anxieties about where we are going and how long it will take. Google maps gives all the information that could help ease him. I do this for myself ALL the time, why had not I thought of it for him?
I am kind of kicking myself for not thinking of it before. (That is a funny literal image.)
Somehow, I just never did… well, now I know AND it can change our world. Today he requested that I print out a map to grandma’s house before we left. He was all giggles and ready to get into the car. Even though he has been to grandma’s on many occasions, he still has felt a bit anxious before going. He did not today; he looked for things that were on his map. He told me how long it would take to get there. He said, “We have made it to B on the map.” when we got to her house. He said, “We are back to A, which is our house.” when we arrived home.
I am SO excited about this; I think it is going to be a great thing.
He has liked maps for a long time, but he never made the connection that they actually show us where we are at he just enjoyed looking at them. The moment he saw our house on Google Earth it was something that stunned his mind. He sat there quietly at first then; he looked around with a great big smile while squealing with joy he said, “Oh my, goodness that is our house! It really is our house!” I am going to take advantage of his interest this summer and teach him how to make maps.
I will print them out for every place we go.
I will create a binder of maps with all of the places we go to and let him keep them for future use and for his studying fun. I have a feeling this is going to help him a great deal. He is going to be a happy fella with his clock that he keeps with him constantly that tells him the time, date, along with an alarm that we use as a timer and his maps. I think I may start doing it for me too! Kidding, well I do print out maps a lot. :-/ At the zoo, I learned so much and we all had a grand fabulous day.
Now for some pictures and some smiles for new adventures to come.
This is my 700th post, woot! I am going to keep it short. I just could not keep it at 699 any longer. I will share some pictures. Today Daniel discovered “helicopter seeds.” (Flying maple seeds) I was immediately transported to my grandma’s backyard collecting tons and tons of them. A Flash of a great memory of my childhood. I spent hours in her backyard collecting those along with other grand woodsy type things, leaves, sticks, dirt, roly-poly bugs, rocks, and whatever else I could gather to create the most delicious of nature meals you could ever imagine.
I was a wondrous fairy chef who could talk to creatures and was best friends with butterflies!
The world was stupendous! But only in the back yard for those several hours that I could play alone and not be bothered with the rest of the world. Today Daniel found as much delight in these flying maple seeds as I did as a child. Then, it caught on with Ariel and Joshua as I shared my childhood fun with them. They all three now have a collection of them in the house. Daniel is playing with them and treating them as though they are delicate little creatures as to not break their “blades” that are “like fans.”
It was a brighter moment of our day.
Let’s just say things did not go as planned and the great outdoors helped us feel much better. Unfortunately, we had a sad moment outside when we discovered three baby birds that had died. Joshua was so upset he almost started crying. He said, “That makes me so sad. I think about that mommy bird and she must be so, so sad.” I shared a little bit about nature and how these things happen. It is sad, but it is what happens in nature. I was much softer when speaking with him; I was sad too and had to work through my own emotions. However, the helicopter seeds saved the day and to Daniel they are better than, any of his current toys.
I was very interested in reading it because I have my own concerns and challenges with raising three children. One diagnosed with Autism and my other two who show many traits. While they are most likely on the Autism spectrum, (working on diagnosis) there are similar issues that happen in a family with Autistic and non-autistic siblings.
As I read the book, I did have to pull out of my own Aspergers thinking and not take words literally or personally. I think that is a good thing. When I read her words, I was able to see from her perspective as well as place others who are in my own life into her position. In doing so, I was able to see how much of her heart to share and help others was written into this book. I share that because there is much talk about how Aspergers/Autistics are perceived as people that lack empathy. It is a touchy subject and it is addressed in the book briefly.
My personal experience reveals otherwise, however, from others my actions and behaviors have been perceived as lacking empathy. In every case, we are individuals and express ourselves in unique ways.
I felt that the book was an excellent guide to help with children, especially younger ones, in order to help them to understand their world with an Aspergers sibling. I think it is a beneficial tool for parents to help know how to communicate to their children about Aspergers; the challenges and the benefits of Aspergers.
It gives great bullet points and short precise helps. The book shares simple examples that can be applied quickly and with ease. It gives insights as to how to help better understand and have compassion for their sibling with Aspergers, but it also addresses that the needs of non-autistic siblings should not be ignored. I think that is extremely important too.
I believe this would be a great book for anyone who has a child(ren) on the spectrum to help them know how to communicate to their other children. It may be a useful guide to teachers as well.
I really liked the way that she was positive and gave more resources to help seek support for siblings.
I have linked above to her book and website for more information.
Except it’s not! Here are a few words, I love nature! I enjoy my yard very much and I am so excited to see the spring season because it has been years and years since, I have been able to witness the joys of spring. It is a delight and makes me very jolly to watch all the birds cluster upon the grass, hop around with dangling worms, ( I do feel sorry for the worms.) all the squirrels, rabbits, bugs, and flowers starting to bud and bloom. It makes me smile. I am going to stop now and share some images I have taken recently they made me smile, maybe they will make you smile too.
Happy day to you! (It may not be Wednesday where you are and I am off to bed soon.)
I cannot be wordless. No matter how hard I try, I must say more than, a picture or two (billion.) I plan to make this post short though. I feel that I need to get something out. I have to force myself to write something because my brain is jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I know what I want to write, but I also know that if I start writing I may end up with another whole series of posts that I do not have time to write about at this time. I am having great revelations for myself. I feel as though my brain has been stuck in a vortex and I clawed myself to clarity that I have not had in a very long time.
Quite honestly, I do not remember when exactly, but I know this feeling.
It is the feeling of major change in my thinking. The difference this time is that I have answers that I did not have times before. I understand the reasons for my quirks and routines. I have a better understanding about my sensory issues and how to handle them better. I know why I eat certain ways and have social anxiety. I understand how others have impacted me and the reasons for much of my confusion over the years.
Although, I do not think some of my social confusion is going to magically disappear.
I have “understood” these things for quite a while, however, they have been poked and made fun of which in turn made me feel as if there was still something wrong with me. The implied negatives made me feel that I still needed to feel badly, embarrassed, or as though I was not equal to others because of them. That is what making jokes about my anxieties, sensory issues, Aspergers does to me.
I have a new understanding about this though.
I am also no longer internalizing such things. This has come with my new clarity as well. It is not funny or kind to make fun of others like that, period. I have clear beneficial answers though and that helps a lot. I have clear beneficial helps. That is all new and I believe will lead me into better thinking patterns and ways to cope. I know that many things will continue throughout my life, such as my anxiety and cycles of depressive thoughts, certain loops, and becoming extremely interested in something until I exhaust all resources and find something else.
I will also still have some of special interests that I have had since I was a child.
Those are parts of me that will not change. They may manifest differently in the coming years, but they are a part of me. Enough about all of that. I will share some pictures of the kid’s special interests lately. Daniel’s has been batteries for a very long time. He has now added screwdrivers into the mix. Ariel’s is dragons and books, but lately she and Joshua have been nonstop on Hero Factory adventures. We have all become rather enthralled with our Sea Monkeys.
I really like them.
I thought I had killed all of them because I apparently overfed them, but at least five survived! It looks like there are a few more – I cannot really tell though they all look alike except for the two big fellas. I find them fascinating to watch. You can find the kids and I leaning on the counter watching our Sea Monkeys swim wildly at any given time of day. The time change has not been the most pleasant of adventures, but I do not feel like talking about any of that. Hmm… Well, my mind is starting to stir; before I start to go into anything else, I will say my goodbyes for today.
I am not feeling right today. Right is not the correct word, but I am not sure what else I could use. I am “off”, not quite myself, a little anxious, frustrated, and unsure of how to articulate what it is exactly. I had to look up “off-day” to clarify that I indeed was having a day like that. Lol! Based on the definition: off-day noun a day when things go poorly; ”I guess this is one of my off-days” I suppose that will work, but I am not sure that I feel that things are going poorly. So who knows. I am sure I have spent entirely too much time on the definition and seeking an explanation for what I am feeling.
It does bother me at times though, because other people seem to be fine with saying “I am having an off-day.”
They can say that they are having an “off-day” move on and not feel the way I do about having a day like this. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I am frustrated. I feel like I am doing something wrong because I feel rather irritable and not as motivated as I normally am. Even though I do not feel motivated I have completed everything I set out to do today. I feel as though there is someone watching me pointing a finger every time I do not do something right away, or if I act a little grumpy. I do know that this is not new. I can remember throughout my life feeling that it was wrong for me to be grumpy, irritated, or tired even.
Why am I not allowed to have a bad day?
I let others have their bad day. I may not understand why and need to ask sometimes, but if I understand why or I am told that they do not know, I shrug it off and let it go. I do have certain emotions around the fact that I cannot pinpoint what I am feeling, and that I cannot communicate it clearly. I am sure if I write some things out I will be able to have a better understanding. Hence, this post.
This week has been full of phone calls.
I have packed more phone conversations into the last two weeks than, I have in the last six months. I have been trying to get assistance for Daniel and myself, both of us were denied. So I am bummed about that and need to recoup. I will go in search of other ways to find help. I am frustrated with the fact that we make too much, but not enough. However, I am also frustrated that once I start to make progress in areas to get the kids and me into things, some of which cost money, somehow, someway something comes up, and we cannot afford it. I am still looking for ways to help get these guys into YMCA camps and some sort of summer school. I have mentioned several times now that we should bring someone in to look at the finances. Maybe they would have a better perspective and give some ideas. I do not have much input in the finances and when I make suggestions, they do not get implemented very often.
I do not mean to sound down; finances are just so discouraging and have been for so long that it bothers me.
Ariel has been sick for a few days also. I feel so bad for her she has not been able to talk because of throat being so sore, but the good news is that she has been writing out everything that she wants. That is a bonus because she gets discouraged with writing many times. This has boosted her confidence in writing and has been good for practicing spelling words.
Daniel has been off too.
He has mentioned several times that he was worried about Ariel and that he does not like her being sick. He has been very moody with me and getting frustrated easily with me. That can take a lot of energy trying figure out what is wrong and how to help him.
Although, the positives about this is that Daniel has been using his words and making huge efforts at calming himself.
It has made his recovery time much shorter and his mood bounces quickly back to the happy fella he normally is. Joshua is just fine; he is still my highly energetic giggly guy. I do hope that Daniel and Joshua do not get sore throats that will not be fun for anyone. I think my “mood” could be escalated because I have been very social too. On the bright side I did find a tutor for Daniel and she is charging somewhere around half than the others I had been looking at. I got so discouraged at trying to find someone because no one was contacting me back; I finally, picked up the phone and called her.
She met with us last Tuesday.
She will start next Tuesday for his hour-long sessions with her. She currently tutors several other special needs children, but she teaches at a local high school. Once I discovered that she was teaching English/Lit. I immediately asked her if she wrote. She said that she did a little when she had the time. I asked what she wrote and had to grab hold of my hands so they would not flap when she said, “Poetry, and short stories.”
I was so excited and giddy.
I asked her who her favorite poets were and she started naming off several different poems from Alfred Lord Tennyson. Let me slip in here a wondrous poem, though she did not mention it, but my fondness of Boadicea has to be mentioned! I shared that my first love will always be Edgar Allen Poe – I cannot help myself. Daniel likes her very much and is looking forward to “reading” with her. He said he would like to read with her “very much.” She did seem to have a good feel about her and I liked the way she was with Daniel. During the summer, her schedule will be more flexible.
I am also meeting with my dad next week.
That may be weighing on me too. Oh, yeah, and the kids and I are getting together with my sister and niece too. In addition, my 20 year-old sister texted me today and told me that she was pregnant. I haven’t talked to her in so long that I cannot even remember. The last I heard she broke up with her boyfriend, but I guess they got back together and now are having a baby. I congratulated her and wished her luck. I was not surprised, only more confused as to why she was texting me when she has not talked to me in so long. I know that this is my social confusion kicking in – I think it is heightened because of my current mood. Ha ha ha Sometimes I cannot help but laugh at the things I write.
I am not sure why it is funny to me, it just is.
You know, I have been working hard trying to make changes in my life and for my kids. I suppose all of these things contribute as well as other things that I cannot think of right now to my grumpiness. Still I do not really feel grumpy either. I feel more blah … Maybe I will feel better after I get a little break. Grandma is coming over to watch the kids in a bit and I am going to take some quiet time.
Most likely, that is all I need – some alone time.
Daniel and Ariel both have not left my sides for days. They have been unable to sleep without me. My mind is spinning from researching and trying to think of jobs for myself too. My head is spinning about many things. I will focus on the good – I have not had near the amount of anxiety that I have in the past. Today, I realized that I have not been kind to myself when it comes to feeling off or having a bad day. I am going to let myself off the hook and say, “It’s ok to be off and feel blah.” The weather is kind of blah that may be doing it too. I am still giggly so that is a good sign. I shall go eat some lunch and see if that perks me up. Bummer Grandma just cancelled as I was writing this. David said that I should still go. I will still go and take my break – I think I need it.
In honor of Edgar, one of my favorite poems of his. (I love to share it, just because I love it so much!)
I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.
I. Instability and Lability
The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.
A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.
a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists
These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.
b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist
The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.
II. Recurrent Losses
Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.
There is a lot of information for each section on the website.
Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.) We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.
Instability with jobs can be for various reasons.
I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.
I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.
It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. I could go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.
Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)
I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”
There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.
There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer.
I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee)
Can you tell I have been in research mode? I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.
Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.
I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.
I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.
My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.
I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.
Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer)
I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!
“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.
The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”
Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely.
I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.
In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.
I am quite productive.
AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)
I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday!
I am kind of jabbering and have no real rhyme or reason for this post. I have a lot that I am pondering and weighing through. I admit I am still fragile from my depressive thoughts. I am feeling much better, but … I do not know. This time around, I know that I need to make some major changes. I have a mix of feelings because once again, I thought I understood a situation and it has been changed on me again. I cannot go into detail. I only know that I cannot continue in the ways that I have so I need to surround myself with positive people (mostly my internet connections ) and make sure I reach out to those who love me in real life as well.
Depression causes my brain to become so muddled that I cannot remember who can support me and who cannot.
I made sure that I talked to my aunt after spin class on Monday, I shared with a autism group some of my struggles, I reached out to my mom, and tried to email some friends to help me at least write it out and process. That has helped. I was able to get the process rolling as well to try to get insurance for myself. So that is good news. That is all I will delve into today. I think those are positive things and I will continue to push myself forward in this area. However, I cannot stop there I must share some resources! (Someone may benefit!)
Dealing with the Depths of Depression (This one is great, it shares briefly about the biochemical and genetic links, environmental factors, and seasonal factors. My anemia is getting worse and I know that is a contributing factor as well.)
SO! Good news with handwriting around here. All three kids struggle with handwriting, I still do. Ariel has made tremendous strides in her handwriting. Even though it does take a lot of concentration and she does have to take her time, the results have given her a new confidence. She was very proud of her accomplishments this week. She did remarkably well. She has also turned her room into a “comic book” library and if Joshua wants to check out a book he has to use the library card that she made for him. Lol!
Both Daniel and Joshua have improved in their handwriting too!
It is such wonderful a thing to witness them work so hard and then, revel in their achievements. This past week both the boys have not only done incredibly well with their handwriting, but they have been reading much more on their own. Daniel did amazing in his classes this week and read again for his teacher today.
It astonishes me when these things happen.
I always forget that when Daniel has several rough weeks that some major progress comes right after. I do not know why. I think that work with him so closely that I cannot see the progress as clearly. It feels like it is not happening, but then to my surprise things like this happen. It is not that I do not see it, it is that it is hard to truly comprehend what is happening until I have had time to process everything. I hope that makes sense. We had been working hard on his handwriting AND emotional expression the whole month of January. I knew it would be a lot to process. However, I was not consciously thinking of it.
My mind was set on the tasks.
I was focused on school and then, processing the whole possibility of Daniel being “retained.” I had my own emotional responses and my own lack of knowledge that made me spin into anxiety. My research frenzy took over and then, with everything else I went into an inevitable meltdown. I am looking forward to my quiet time tomorrow when grandma comes to watch the kids for while. I plan on leaving and not being near any computer devices. I will have my phone, but I do not plan to get on to check anything. I want to try to find a place of solitude like the one I had at the beach where we used to live.
I am not sure I will find it, but I will try.
Today the kids and I poured some sea monkey eggs into their purified water – we will wait excitedly for some to grow in the next week. We also, made cupcakes and managed to complete all of our schoolwork with everyone being happy. Now that is one fabulous day! Since I do not really celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I do love to read and research about the origins of holidays I will share another great find. I know others may not enjoy my interests such as these, but it makes me somewhat giddy. The Dark Origins Of Valentine’s Day I will leave with this fantastic array of photos Awkward Valentine’s Day Photos.
AND my own photos to share of course, I do not think they are awkward??
Another side note here, when Daniel sat down to write his assignment he said to me, “Please leave me, I want to be alone.” He did not want me to help him at all. I could only find a math worksheet to compare at the moment. On that day he told me it was too much work to write out the words so I let him draw lines instead. This was at the beginning of January.