I have really pondered on why I want to teach the kids social skills, granted we need them to be involved in society but what is my motive? I was concerned that possibly I have been trying to conform my children to be like other children. Though this seems ridiculous because I constantly tell them that it is ok to be different and it is ok if other people do not think or act like us. Still I wonder am I secretly using all of these techniques and resources to create mini socialites? Am I not really content with how we all think or act? Am I doing exactly what I am preaching against? Sometimes I just analyze too much, I know but I can’t help it. I must know!

Do I want my children to be like other children?

The answer is a definite no. I want them to learn social skills so they have at least an understanding that there is this whole social atmosphere that is going on and that can be very confusing and make no sense what so ever. I believe that  a lot of my hurt and self-esteem issues have stemmed from my lack of understanding about this social world. I still have to have jokes explained to me unless they are analytical humor I really don’t get it. I don’t understand crass or rude jokes. I don’t understand making fun of another person as being funny. These are just a few things, while I was the butt of many jokes I didn’t understand that in many cases, they were jokes. Or as being bullied in some cases I thought they were joking. They were not. Just the joke or kidding alone has caused me great confusion and pain.

I don’t want my children to change.

I have gone over it in my head, why do my kids need to socialize, why do they need to understand emotions, what is the point? They are all fine. But this is why, last week a little boy asked me why I had to stay with Daniel in class, I proceeded to explain to him about Daniel. I told him about Asperger’s and that even though Daniel can talk he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to people until he has been around them for a while and that he talks to either myself or David to help him. Then the class started and I could tell that the boy was really thinking about everything I had said. Then last night during the time we were in class (we didn’t stay the whole time Daniel couldn’t stay in there) I saw the little boy watching Daniel and smiling and looking like he was concerned about him. As I shared this story with David it occurred to me that what the boy was showing was empathy.

I cannot recognize it in other people a lot but I do get overwhelmed with empathy myself.

The problem is how I show and feel empathy and how Daniel shows and feels empathy are completely different from what other people do to show it. That is a whole other post. This situation made it clear to me how I have problems recognizing and reading people. The other night we were watching a show and a guy and a girl acted like they liked each other, in my mind they were going to have a relationship and get married. David explained to me that they were just using each other and the girl used the guy to ensure that she would succeed. I had no idea and all of the faces, actions, and words they were speaking meant something completely different to me. So the motive for my kids and myself to learn social skills is to understand what is going on around us.

There is a certain comfort in knowing that I don’t know half of the stuff going on around me.

However, it is not always the safest thing to not know and granted I have a lot of intuition, I guess you would call it, I do not listen to it sometimes. I listen to my gut on most occasions when it comes to people. I have been correct about people when I feel that I should stay away from them, the only problem is that I always want to help people. If I feel that I can help them in any way then my intuition is trumped and I end up in bad situations. I am learning and I have gotten much better at listening to myself and sharing what I am feeling with others to see if I am correct before I fall into another trap. I believe several of these things I have listed are reasons enough to reveal why I need my children to have social skills.

I am not pushing socializing, I am aiming for understanding social situations and cues.

I feel if we understand these emotions then we can understand why people are behaving in certain ways. If a person is sad, they may cry, hang their head, shut down and go off alone. In the past I would think if a person did that then they wanted to be alone and have quiet time. It usually did not occur to me that they wanted someone to talk to, why would they? When I am sad I want to be left alone or have David badger me because it is always funny and makes me laugh. (He doesn’t badger in a mean way, he helps me to see how silly I am sometimes.)  For instance in my previous marriage I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and very sad. All I wanted was to be left alone, in my room and listen to music and read. My husband at the time would not leave me alone, people from church were bringing food over and wanting to talk, then his parents insisted on coming and staying with us for the weekend.

In a small two bedroom apartment!

I begged him to please tell them not to come. He did ask them not to but they did anyway and when they arrived his mom said to me “I know you didn’t want us to come but my baby lost his baby and I am going to be here to make sure he is ok”, having this as well as trying to process my emotions sent me over. I did well to contain myself until they left but the whole time behind closed doors I told him how incredibly rude it was, selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings. No one really understood me with that whole situation and after they left I made my ex-husband tell everyone thank you for the food and wanting to visit but to leave me alone. I didn’t want to talk about it and I most definitely did not want to eat. In this situation I don’t know if I was wrong or not. I thought that everyone was being rude and inconsiderate by not leaving me alone.

But apparently everyone else thought that I was rude and inconsiderate.

I believe had I understood then that when people go through traumatic experiences they usually want to be surrounded by people to support them, that some people feel comforted by food when they are upset and that my ex-husband may have truly needed his parents to be with him, I may not have been so upset and had a major meltdown with in a couple of days. I still would have requested to be alone but I would have been able to explain it to people in a more articulate way and in a way that they could understand. Or possibly been able to find a place of solitude somewhere. I would have had understanding toward them and not gotten so angry. Maybe. I was trying to process my loss so I am not really sure how I would have responded but at least I would have understood that they were not trying to be mean to me they were trying to be helpful.

Those kinds of things my children need to understand.

It has only been in the last couple years that I even understood that situation with the help of discussing it with David. I hope to spare the kids unnecessary anger and grief or misunderstandings not to force them to socialize. I do get caught up in wanting to get Daniel in there with the other kids and make friends and whatever but I am realizing that I do it out of fear. Fear that he will never talk to another person his age other than Ariel. I know this isn’t true but I have my days. Then I take a step back and focus on him. It takes a lot for him to be around rowdy boys, window air conditioners, echoing noises in a fort, disorder and constant change in a class and still he has managed to stay in these classes a couple of times for more than half the class time. I think those are some great things to overcome and accomplish.When he says that it is time to go or on the days he just can’t and says “I don’t want to Mom” I listen to him. He likes to be around the kids but sometimes it’s just too much and that is ok.

The motive for social skills is to help the kids understand themselves and this world a bit more.

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