Tag Archives: social overload

05/8/13

Shutdown!

This week has proven to be a great challenge for me. I am still at a loss of words. I can barely speak to those in my “real” life. It takes all effort to try to pull words together to make any sort of communication. I continue to apologize and say, “I am sorry, I have no words.” I am struggling even now to pull the letters together in my brain to form words, creating sentences. I find it difficult to get them flowing from my fingertips onto the keyboard. However, it is much easier than trying to get the words out of my mouth.

It is not happening without great effort.

I found myself staring at my computer screen this morning unable to pull myself out of that state. I heard all that was going on around me, but I could not move. I stared with jumbled words and sadness. I have several reasons for this happening to me, but I am unable to articulate it. This starting happening last week when I was faced with several social issues that sank me into near anxiety attacks. I was able to work through them fairly well. Then, came an emotional rush of feeling disconnected from people. I felt lost and without friends or anyone to turn to many times it is that way. I have no one that I can share with about what is happening in my life.

I have no one to confide in about the challenges that I am facing.

I can to a certain point on my blog and with some friends when they are not in their own state of shutdown or consumed with daily life. I also, do not want to “bother” anyone with my “problems.” I have my personal struggles that I am dealing with and the feeling of loss, but I cannot explain what I feel loss about. Possibly my grandiose imaginations, which happen to be the things that give me hope on a regular basis. Once I feel that I have lost them too, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I will “never” get out of my situation. I will “never” be able to follow through on my plans and goals.

At those times, even my special interests fail me.

I know that this will pass. It always does. I do know that much of this has to do with having no time alone. I have not been able to get away and do anything for myself by myself. Last Friday, I had to spend my time running errands. I have spent much of my time trying to help Daniel because he is having a very challenging week. I believe he is adjusting to his new glasses, though it is a very good thing and he is happy, they are still a new adjustment. I have had to cancel some of his sessions for therapy and was thankful that this week he did not have live lessons with his teachers because I am sure I would have canceled them.

It is does not help that he is behind on his lessons and they have to be done by May 21st.

The stress of all the phone calls with teachers and talking to therapists has worn me out. He has been going through some sort of transition as well where the things that used to help him no longer help. He is beginning to reject all of my efforts to help him. He is getting even more upset at me when I try to help him. It causes me to shutdown because I do not know what to do; it triggers me to go into research mode. However, I have to gear my focus on finding strategies and researching ways to help Joshua. He needs my help too with ways to cope and to find ways to make reading and handwriting less stressful for him. Ariel needs me and I am seeing more and more each day how all of them need more emotional support.

I am fighting off the words, “I am a failure.”

Yesterday, after yet another moment of the school day not going in a positive direction, the tears came rushing out. I was so overwhelmed with so many things. I was struggling with my personal issues that I couldn’t (cannot) share with anyone and I just-needed-a-good-day! By evening, I felt catatonic, much like this morning. (“appearing to be in a daze or stupor; unresponsive“) I had enough in me to respond and take care of my children, but that took everything out of me. I am very good had hiding these things from my children. However, I have no doubt that they feel it and that could explain why Ariel sat next to me cuddling with me last night. She does not cuddle all that often.

I suppose I am finding some words at the moment.

It has occurred to me that I am under a great deal of stress. I am still processing many things that the boy’s teachers have said to me. I am not able to write everything out in regards to school at this time. I need to get them through the next two weeks. Mainly, Daniel since he is behind on his lessons. My mom is coming on Saturday AND I am excited about that! However, it also means that I need to keep the kids focused on school while she is in town. I am looking forward to hanging out with her and doing some fun things. I am going to see if she and my grandma want to go to lunch for Mother’s Day or something.

Big fat sigh… 

I think that is all I can get out of my head now. My brain still feels all clustered and clogged, but a little better. Quite honestly, I think the problem is that I have not had any downtime. I feel stretched very thin. I am being pulled in too many directions and not having any time to gather my pieces back into a whole. I am going to take the kids outside, get a little sun on my face, and see about getting out of the house for a little bit tonight. Maybe I just need to drive around town with my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs for a while. I will be the coolest mom in a minivan EVER! :-)  That’s all I got folks, I feel my words fading quickly.

Picture (of random and odd potatoes and my paintings) time! 

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02/6/13

My Inevitable Meltdown

Yes, I had a meltdown today. I felt it brewing for days. Actually, it has been building up for a couple of weeks. I continued to tell David that I needed a break, but his suggestions were always for me to go somewhere. It does not help me have a break when I have to leave my house. If I am already feeling sensitive emotionally and sensory wise, my body is already reaching its extremes of ability to process information and people. The stress of another environment with new, or different sensory things and social situations could cause another series of meltdowns and needless anxieties.

There is no place for me to go in this house.

I have no space of my own. I am invaded in all rooms. I am the mom so of course, the bathroom is not off limits either. Locking the bathroom door? Well, that lasted for about a second. How can children bust open locks on doors? Amazing. Before I go any further let me share an excellent post that describes meltdowns. Anatomy of a Meltdown written by Musings of an Aspie. The events leading up to this had to do with Daniel’s own struggles lately. He has had really great day’s then, really bad days.

They have been fluctuating back and forth some days have been extremely intense.

I have yet to discover the root of them, but he tends to seek out toys or objects that feed his anxieties when he is like this. I have been on guard, trying to stay on top of them. I have been using so much energy trying to figure out, redirect, help him communicate, and calm him that I feel extremely stretched.

In the midst of this, I try to do school with Ariel and Joshua.

All three children are at different levels of learning and that takes energy too. I am not complaining only sharing the contributors to my meltdown. I also, have heightened stress of trying to keep all of the kids quiet so they will not disturb David. He works at home.

It has not worked.

It has spiraled into not good days at all for me. I have held it together for weeks, but it has gotten to be too much. The kids are being kids. They should be allowed to be kids. They should not feel this pressure on them as well. I have not been able to take them out because the car is making a strange noise. A very scary noise and I do not feel comfortable taking the kids out in the car. Hopefully, the car will be fixed soon.

meltdown-funny-198x300I know that all of the emotional processing that I have been doing has contributed as well.

Another factor, Daniel’s teacher informed me last Friday that they had him listed as “retain.”  I was unable to process that because of the week that I had. It finally, hit me over the weekend and my mind flooded with questions.

I was unsure what it meant by “listed.”

I was concerned that I would not have a say in the decision. I was not exactly sure why he was listed as retained. My concerns heightened because I know that Daniel understands his schoolwork. He does his worksheets and tests with me reading them. I do have to scribe many times.

He does require a lot more of my attention and help with language arts, but he comprehends his assignments.

I was a mess on Monday, with my head was spinning with questions and worries. I have no problem having Daniel retained if I feel that it is the best thing for him. My anxieties took over and I could not determine if we had a choice or what our options were.

During my mind quandaries, we had a plumber come to the house.

The toilet broke the night before, our other one had been broken for a couple of months, but because they had just come out to fix it, I felt the issue was hopeless. I hate toilets!! The property manager unexpectedly showed up Monday afternoon too.

Thank goodness, I cleaned the house on Saturday!

I was so far behind with my housework. I would have had my meltdown right in front of the plumber and the property manager had my house been a mess. I am just like that; if the house had been a mess, I would have been attacked with another round of anxieties and fears because the property manager came. The plumber was here for four or five hours. He unexpectedly turned on a wet vac. The change in routine, unexpected visits, noises, and stress that was already at high levels upset Daniel. I tried to keep it together and I did until today.

Yesterday was horrible all morning long, the afternoon got better, and the evening got worse.

This morning started out good, but I was so fatigued, I felt as though I had nothing left in me, I knew I had to get school started, and that I needed to prepare to talk to Daniel’s special ed teacher. I forgot to mention that I have also been in a whirlwind of searching for tutors in the area. I have been researching about children being retained, the affects of that, the pros and cons. I have been learning everything I can about dibels (which I do have opinions about and I do not think it is the best gauge for children with learning “disabilities”) and how to use it at home. I have been researching about standardized testing and our rights, along with our rights regarding Daniel’s IEP.

My mind went into overdrive.

I need information to help me understand. I need to look at everything so I know what is best for our family. However, I do get obsessive and cause my brain to get flustered with information when I am in a frenzy like this. The good news, many of my anxieties were laid to rest today. His teacher answered many questions clearly and gave me more of her point of view. We agree on many things and she is giving me some resources to try with Daniel to help him even more. YAY!

However, I spoke to her after my meltdown. :-)

I was calm and able to talk to her because I got all of that mess out of my head. Today was additionally stressful because David meets with his boss virtually every Wednesday. This is stressful in SO many ways. This morning I was anticipating the call with Daniel’s teacher, and trying to focus on what I could do to keep things calm while David was speaking with his boss.

As the morning started, it looked promising until Daniel became upset again that his video recorder was broken.

I tried to rectify the situation by giving him one of my cameras that records and takes pictures. Long story short, something happened that made Daniel think that the camera was broken, I was trying to help him, and he became upset with me. I started crying. I couldn’t stop.

I was able to pull myself out of that and help Daniel too.

Until, something happened again with the camera. I lost it. I started crying, wailing, fell on my knees, rocking, sobbing, begging God to, “Please, fix the camera and make this stop!” All I remember is hyperventilating and sobbing loudly.

This upset Daniel even more.

I managed to get to David’s office trying to apologize, but that made him go out to talk to Daniel. All I could say through the tears was, “I am trying to pull it out. I am trying to pull it out. One of us has to be ok with him.” What I meant was that I digging deep to try to find my way to help calm Daniel, but I did not have it in me. I needed David to do it.

Thankfully, he did and managed to help Daniel calmly.

I sat on the floor staring outside feeling exhausted and drained. Daniel became very concerned about me. He asked David what was wrong with me and David explained to him that I needed a break. He also explained to him “Mommy gets overloaded too.” I wanted so badly to be there for Daniel, but I could not. I felt like a rubber band pulled to the breaking point. I was also frustrated because I voiced repeatedly that I needed a break, but I have not been given one. I cannot take off and leave. If I am to take, a break that requires me to leave it has to be planned.

I have to be in the right frame of mind.

I also, have to make sure that food situation is taken care of for everyone and Daniel is ok before I leave. On Monday, I did not get to go to my spin class. The plumber stayed too late and I had to have dinner ready. By the time I was ready, I was too late. Obviously, things are not working. I cannot live like this. I need to find some time for myself so that I can be the mom that my kids need. So I can be the mom I want to be. I am going to work on this. I plan to get the kids into a summer school program that will be two weeks out of the summer or for two days a week throughout.

I want them to have that.

I want them to experience another teacher, a school environment, and to meet other kids. I plan to use that time for myself. It will be new and challenging, but I think I need to try it for all of us. I am also going to get Daniel a tutor as soon as possible.

I think this will be good for both of us.

He needs to become more independent of me. He does exceptionally well with teachers when he is one on one with them. I think it will be so good for him. I am also going to ask my grandma if she would watch the kids for me maybe an hour a week. I think it would help me a great deal just to get some time alone without having to worry too much.

I am prone to worrying so I am sure I will a little. :-)

I had to write this out because in the past I have beat myself up for having a meltdown. I have felt so horrible and ashamed for having such outbursts. I need to acknowledge that I feel overwhelmed and the only person who is going to fix it is me. The issue is that I do not know how and the more I tell people crying out for help the less I feel heard.

I do not know what else I am supposed to do.

I am overwhelmed with taking care of this house, making all of the meals and snacks, doing the kids school, trying to work through past traumas and deal with everyday social challenges. I am trying to find ways to help myself, but I do not get any time to do that. The free time I finally get, I pour into my creative avenues or writing it out here because if I do not it will swirl, loop, and spiral into more meltdowns or shutdowns.

I suppose in a way this is a venting post.

I really do not know. I am only sharing what is on my mind so I can get back to myself. However, I know that right now I have to make some major changes because I cannot keep this up much longer. I do not have it in me. I am tired and I want to gain my positive energy back so I can focus on my kids. In order, to make that happen I have to find ways to take care of myself. I have hard time understanding if I am overreacting with these things as well. I cannot gauge stress properly, but I do know that everyone is affected by stress differently. I have this inner voice that tells me that I am overreacting all the time – I do not think it is a valid voice, but it is very loud.

Anyone else have a meltdown you want to share? :-)  

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09/2/12

Hopeful Things

First thing, I want to say how impressed and thankful I am for the teachers at the virtual school we are enrolled in. They have been so helpful and patient with me. I mean really, anyone who can reply with ease and the “right” words to an email from me with the subject titled “I am freaking out” is impressive. :-)  (I cannot remember if those were my exact words, but I definitely said something about me freaking out.)

Now that we have completed three weeks, I am seeing hope. 

There are still days we struggle, lessons get behind and it can seem intolerable. Daniel and Joshua both need extra help with reading and Daniel needs a lot of time with word problems. If I take all of the words out and ask him directly, he knows the answer within seconds. It is a challenge since I have such a struggle with word problems as well. I think I may go in search of helps. Maybe Khan Academy or TED Ed has something. I am going to throw this out there and see if any other parents deal with the same struggles with reading/math problems and ask for help/ideas. Please let me know if you have any resources!

I have found different ways to help the boys. 

However, both of them differ and I am not sure how to help them retain words. If Daniel looks at a word, he has a problem saying/reading it. If I spell it for him aloud, he knows it immediately. For instance, I show him the word “good” he looks at it, rubs his eyes, begins to get frustrated, and wants to quit. He has refused to read most of the time. If I say, “Daniel what is this word?” while pointing to “good” and then say, “g-o-o-d” he can read it. You can guess how time consuming it is to get through a story. If I sound out each letter he gets it in a matter of seconds. Joshua cannot do that.

He does not get it when I spell words. 

It takes a while for him to connect the sounds. He mixes up sounds, and letters. He then, gets so tired, frustrated, and cranky. His teacher has already started him on several reading helps and she plans to have him evaluated for dyslexia. I have already voiced my concerns about that from the beginning. I believe he has some form of dyslexia and I have tried to each him from sites that help. I have him using Reading Eggs as well. I am very happy that his teacher has listened to me from the beginning and is giving me resources/ideas to help him. Last year, the boys were reading decoder books and Daniel would surprise me with reading words like electricity. It seems as though they have lost all of their reading skills from the few months of a break we took.

I feel that I must keep school all year round to help these guys retain their skills. 

We still worked on school stuff, but I did not spend as much reading to them, or having them try to read to me while I was packing up the home, preparing for the move, or in the month of July while I was getting us settled. It is clear that I need to stay consistent with them. They have not lost their math skills, or comprehension of science concepts, and seem to understand social studies as well. When it comes to phonics, writing complete sentences, grammar, and such it is hard to maintain. They all struggle with writing. However, Ariel has shown a huge improvement this week. She got a boost of excitement with learning because she tested at a third grade level for reading.

She is excited to be placed into a gifted class. 

It has given her this enthusiasm to learn ALL things once again. They are all doing well in their classes, but the boys are not enthusiastic at all. It is taking a lot to get them motivated to do anything. I am working on making it more fun now that I understand how everything flows, and I am not as anal as I was in the first two weeks. I felt like I had to do everything and then, got overwhelmed. It is getting smoother and I am finding our groove. It will still take some time. It has helped that I am able to let go of my “perfectionism” feelings in this area. It still creeps up, but I am able to see it and redirect my thoughts.

There are just so many positives with our school situation.

I cannot bombard my mind with perceived negatives. We are waiting for Daniel’s evaluations to start up it looks as if there will about 10 or more. I am feeling hopeful with these and feel that it will bring about some answers that I was not able to get from past evaluations. It helps tremendously that he is becoming so communicative. On Thursday, after school, we went over to visit my grandma. My dad had called and he had to pop into town to take my sister to the doctor and my niece to her first volley ball game. (She won! Yay!) He asked to come by for a little bit, but he had to head back home because he needed to work the next day. Daniel seemed fine, he was happy from visiting grandma and all the kids were overjoyed to see “Pap Paw.”

I think Daniel ended up being overwhelmed with excited anxiety. 

Then, he asked me if he could pour the noodles into the pot for dinner. When it was time, he was running around and I forgot. It triggered him into a meltdown. This was the first time my dad had witnessed a meltdown. Long story short, dad had to leave before Daniel was able to calm down. It took two hours, David, Ariel, and Joshua left to go to the store, while I was with Daniel. Daniel has voiced that he feels that David is angry with him all the time. He has a hard time feeling as if David likes him some times. When he is unable to control himself he feels as if people no longer love him, or they are upset with him. This is one of my traits – I thought that I had learned to do this, but now I think it may be predisposed, possibly.

Anyway, during his meltdown I laid him in his bed and sat next to him.

I am sharing this because I think it is important to share. He was beating his head, and was trying to hurt himself in other ways. This is new behavior. He stopped most of his self-harming behaviors years ago, but then they were directed toward me. I think that since I have set firm boundaries lately he does not know where else to direct the energy. I had a moment where I felt outside of my body and I was watching him. I could literally see in my mind a script running through his as he was pounding on his head.

He would at times hit his head and say, “Stop it!” repeatedly.  

I stopped him gently and tried to calm him asking, “Boo, can you tell me what you are thinking right now?” He said, “I don’t know” I continued to help him calm down, and said, “Ok, just try to tell me when you can.” After a few minutes, he was not completely calm, but he was able to say, “I did the wrong thing, I did the wrong thing.” With that, I was able to discover that he was upset because he tried to control himself, but could not and did not know how. He was worried that my dad and David were upset with him and did not love him. He told me that he wants to stop, but does not know how.

I can work with this. 

I know now at least a few negative scripts he has and what they can sound like. Things need to change in ways of helping him feel reassured even if he is doing behaviors that can be harmful to him or others. He gets very upset when he makes a mistake, or feels as if he has done something wrong. Such as, on Friday, he went to wash his hands in the kitchen sink and the faucet broke spraying all over him, and the kitchen. He came to me almost in tears because it broke and he thought he was at fault. I explained to him that it was an accident and he had nothing to do with it. I had to explain why it broke, how it broke, and let him know very directly that he did nothing wrong.

All of this is huge progress. 

I can find ways for him to redirect his energy, he just did that the other night. I can find positive helps before he tries to do that again. He has been asked to do a new curriculum, schedule, be more social, go to new places, talk on the phone with his teacher, sit through online classes twice a week, and adjust to a new environment all in the past two months. Hot dog! He is doing fabulous!

They all are really.

When I step back, I can see all of the changes and how hard they are trying – it amazes me. It gives me that “umph” to keep going. I want to add here as well that I had no idea how my dad would respond, I know that he would love Daniel no matter what, but I did not know what to expect. I texted him and let him know how Daniel felt. My dad texted back and told me to tell Daniel that he loved him and that he was not upset at all. I was so happy that my dad did that. I had words to validate to Daniel acceptance and reassurance instead of me just saying it.

There is so much that is good and I am squeezing onto those hopeful things. :-)  

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08/7/12

I Caught You Negative Loop! (One)

I am on the verge of having a major mind shift. There has been a facebook thread that I have been reading and contributing a little to the last couple of days about meltdowns/shutdowns. I have been on a roller coaster of meltdown/shutdown mode myself for these few days, so it has helped a great deal to read through and keep me in the “now.” Realizing my anxiety loops and not falling into a downward spiral.

Mostly, I have been filled with anxiety off and on.

I have had phantom fears, fears about people not wanting me around, and crying. Which I hate, especially when I have no idea why I am crying. However, I have learned to let myself release them without attacking myself with negative thoughts in that area. Although, I wish I had more control over the tears and they would not erupt in the middle of Target when I am trying to buy LÄRABAR bars for Daniel. Hoping that I can get in and out quickly as to deter his meltdown because none of us realized we were out of the bars until he went to get one! I hoped, but I got disoriented because I was in no frame of mind to go to the store. It overwhelmed me to walk in there and I cried at Target. Blah!

I can tell you all of the logical reasons as to why my mind is going through this. 

I know that I am making things up. I know that many of my thoughts are not true. The feelings are still real. It is still exhausting having this battle in my mind. It is hard not to think in black-and-white terms when my brain is desperately seeking something concrete to bring calm. Even if I am well aware that the calm is completely irrational. It brings some sort of resolve good or bad and just makes the looping stop.

This is where my mind shift is manifesting. 

I am not allowing myself to accept the thoughts to become real in my mind. I am not allowing them to spin out of control and lead me down negative loops that I cannot get out of. I have done this before and stopped my loops, and I learned a lot from these last few times. This time is different in the sense that I have discovered a root to my familiar “people are going to leave me, no one understands me, I am all alone” type of loops. I am feeling very shaky right now. My life is completely different and the only familiarity I can rely on is my negative thought patterns. I am not accepting that – I have been working very hard at staying mindful of all the emotions I am feeling. I have been writing them down. Some days have been hard for me, but I do know that my pattern of escape is to create a wall around me. I begin to read into things that are not there.

I have thoughts flood my mind of how no one wants anything to do with me. 

I begin to see people excluding me out of interactions. In reality, I have done it myself. I have cut them off and have become avoidant. It is my form of self-preservation and self-sabotage at the same time. Part of it has to do with my inability to feel love from others. I do not feel unloved – I know people love me. I cannot seem to see their actions of love, or know that they love me. I call it “love blindness” which I do plan to write about in the next few days. There are many things that go into that topic and I have been researching. Though it is not called that, many other Aspie’s and people who suffer from PTSD also have this same type of inability to know that others love them.

For me personally, I do not know how to explain it very well. 

In a way, the book that I am reading expresses it – I will share. The context is of a young girl who is speaking on the phone to her grandmother whom she has never seen. She has talked to her on the phone once a month every year, but has not had direct physical interaction with her. The grandmother seems to talk about her special interest and it revolves around that – here is an excerpt of the conversation.

Rose? You there?

Hi, Grandma, I said.

You’re too quiet, said Grandma, Speak up.

I rolled a vinyl place mat into a tube. 

I love you, I said, through the tube. 

There was a pause. Across the room, from her listening position wedged in a far corner, Mom flinched. 

Love? said Grandma, through the tiny black holes.

Yes, I said. 

But you don’t even know me, said Grandma. How can you love me? It should be earned. You’re too clingy,…

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake ~ Aimee Bender 

Clearly, there is a lot going on there.

I left out the rest, but what hit me was when the grandma said, “But you don’t even know me.” That is how my brain thinks with family and people that I have not seen, or have interacted with. When I do see them, it is hard for me to understand any form of loving/liking action because I feel like I do not know them and they do not know me. It surprises me and it is hard to grasp that they love and care for me. I am unsure how to interact with them, and I am unsure how to be myself. I wish I could say that I only do this with people that I have limited interactions with, but it is not so. I do this with everyone. It is a very painful experience to be surrounded by people, not understand their intentions, motives, meanings of their words, and feel like you are supposed to.

Some of them intentionally hurt you.

Then, others hurt you because of social confusion, or miscommunication. They too can feel like you are trying to hurt them. I get utterly confused by family. I get confused because I cannot discern if they love me or not. I see them love each other. I somehow cannot translate their actions or words into loving expressions toward me. Many times, I feel people do not know me because they only experience me in situations where I cannot be myself. I have been trying to be myself as much as possible, but still it is limited because of new environments, sensory issues, social issues, trying to keep an eye on the kids, helping them with their sensory/social issues, and FOOD! Gosh! Why does food have to be the center of events? Anyway… :-)  They do not know me – I am here. I am words on a page. (That is not completely true, but many times I feel like that.) I feel like a shadow of myself out there and it is hard to comprehend that people love my shadow.

My mind can fall into black-and-white thinking when it comes to the issue of love.

It is such an abstract concept and defined by people so differently that I cannot even grasp it. It is too much, at some point in my life I came up with a gauge of how to determine if someone loves me or not. However, I have no idea what it is. All I know is that if it feels like they have changed their behavior in the slightest it has something to do with me and now they no longer love me. If they stay the same and nothing changes in the relationship that means they love me.

I am going to have to put words to this invisible chart I have created. 

It does not really make sense, and it always leaves me uncertain of what my relationships are. For instance, my closest aunt, I know she loves me. She would drop anything and everything if I called her and told her that I needed her. I know this, but the last few days I have been feeling like she is upset with me, that she never wants to speak with me again, like it does not matter if I am here or not, like no one in my family cares in the least if they ever talk to me again. This is not true. I know this, but the fact that I have been hurt so much with family and know that no matter what I cannot be myself fully leaves me feeling empty and as though they do not love me.

How can they love me when they do not even know me?

To Be Continued… part two tomorrow sharing about rumination.

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08/2/12

Nathaniel’s Photo Shoot (Mr. Cat)

I have two posts rolling around in my drafts that I have started. However, I am unable to complete them. They require mental energy that I do not have at the moment. This past week I have become the couch potato when everyone is off to bed. I have enjoyed my solitude very much. Me and the cat chillaxin’ in peace on the sofa, watching whatever flick grabs our attention. Well, my attention, the cat is mostly sleeping, mostly… that is unless I am like a shark slowly crawling on the floor, camera in hand ready to get the best kitty shot!

Yes, if you were to look into my windows you would see me hiding on the floor. 

Stalking my cat with my camera. OH! Lightening just lit up the sky! It was all purple and crashing loudly somewhere – thunder, counting, waiting for the lightening… sorry that was a “squirrel” instance. Indeed, I managed to annoy my favorite feline so much last night that he thumped his tail at me and even grabbed at the camera to take it is away. He scooped it with his paw and then, sniffed it.

It’s my entertainment in the wee hours of the night.

I have not been able to sleep most of this week. I figured I would go ahead and share Nathaniel’s pictures because I think he is such a handsome fellow. I will leave you with the star of the show as we meander into the other room for some movie time. I will be chowing on some oatmeal with strawberries, while Mr. Cat tries to figure out why his water jug is moving before he casually glides across the floor, hops onto the sofa, and licks himself with an attitude. As if I am disturbing him by meowing repeatedly, come on! What cat doesn’t love that? :-) (It’s raining, thundering, and lightening…oh, lights flickering!)

I should take a picture of his perplexity with his water jug thingy. 

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08/1/12

Recovery Time – Go Build Something!

I found some desks for the kids at Wal-Mart; (online) they were a great deal and free shipping. Each one got their own desk for their room. One of the problems I was having with school this past year was everyone needing their own space, and quiet. It was not working in our front schoolroom area in the last house because each one had specific needs. They are easily overloaded by the other with sounds, questions, not sitting still, etc… In addition, each one is at different stages of their learning and that can cause me to get flustered with their core curriculum.

When I do group lessons with specific crafts, projects, writings, what have you it is a not so bad.

However, now they each need their space and quiet in order to focus. The grades they are in require much more attention and structure. Joshua needs more of my attention and he cannot focus very well with others around. I am excited about their new learning space and our new schoolroom area where we will do our group projects. It is much more open and easier to clean! My desk is in that room as well so it makes it easier for me to hop on and check out something if I need to or pull up the resources, I want to use. I am using the “formal” dining room as schoolroom. It has a hideous glass chandelier that looks like a translucent octopus. Ha ha ha

They are all very excited about their desks and their own space as well. 

Ariel and I built hers yesterday. We had a lot of fun organizing all of our bits; whatnot’s, using the screwdrivers, and hammering away. It reminded me of my mom and me when I was little. (A story based on me and my mom We Don’t Need No Menz.) Ariel and I even broke a sweat and had to change into tank tops! Lol! She was so funny. “Mom, I am getting hot. This is some hard work.” She said while unbuttoning the top buttons of her shirt. I agreed and suggested we get on some tank tops. She read the directions, and made sure that I understood what I was I doing. She is very detailed, you know.

I am not sure what is going on lately, but she is really sticking close to me.

She has been asking for hugs, and is even saying, “I love you” back to me. Normally, she will hum the sound of it, or grunt it. Possibly, she needs that reassurance from the move, and all of social activities lately. I do not know, but I am happy to give her all that she needs and not smother her! We both need affection balance. It has helped me though having such affection with her, Daniel and Joshua. We seem to be hugging and saying more things that are affectionate then we had been. I am glad that I am able to do that with my kids. I wish my mom had been able to with my sisters and myself.

I am thankful that she has been able to be that way with her grandchildren though.

I need to call my mom. Honestly, I cannot pick up the phone. The sound of the ringing is making me cry. My confusing aunt called me Sunday night, then last night. My mom’s friend called me, I am getting text messages from people, someone else called me, but I haven’t been able to check any of my messages. I let the battery run out, and then I stuffed it in my purse. I charged it up and discovered my sister had made it in town a day earlier. I did text her and said that I was happy she made it, but that I was not answering my phone. Daniel’s Hex Larva broke and it turned into not a very good day. We are all on the verge of something. The thought of the phone is too overwhelming for me. I had thought earlier that maybe it was better for me to live in a cave, in seclusion, and get rid of my phone.

I took a deep breath and decided that was not a good idea. 

I am going to have to find my social balance. I took control today because I knew that my dad and step mom are here helping my sister. There was no way I, or the kids could handle a “pop in” like last time. If they tried calling and I did not answer then, just showed up, I would have collapsed on the floor, and Daniel would have tried to run out the door I am sure. Ariel and Joshua have hit their max too and I am stretched thin with helping all of them seek balance, along with myself. That is why I sent a text to my sister. I am too exhausted, and emotionally fragile to deal with family right now.

It does not mean I do not love them – I need a break. (Big sigh…) 

I have pictures of Ariel and I building the desk, and some crows who knows what I else I have in there. I do enjoy building things, it helps my mind get focused and forget about things that are bothering me. I like reading the instructions, putting everything in order, hmm… order, BUT sometimes it is a big pain in the booty! Especially, when instructions do not make any sense. There were moments of frustration with the desk – we still had fun. :-) Oh, I did get some storm cloud pictures, but not very good images because the lightening was zapping around me so I thought it best to get myself inside! I shall be off with the kiddies in social/emotional/sensory overload recovery. Bye now!

 

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07/18/12

Barbie Meltdown!

Barbie Meltdown: Pain wrenching feeling as if your heart is ripping out with some phantom pain, packed with tears, irrational thoughts, rage, and fears.

This is what happens to one, who was a Barbie collector, when she does not know how to process her emotions, has had entirely too much social interaction with no downtime, is still not on a regular schedule, children having meltdowns with a side of constant bickering between two whose bickering spirals another child that has no clue about sibling bickering into an emotional frenzy, as well as one who used to be a  Barbie collector – receiving three boxes of her Barbie collection only to discover that they are not her cherished LOVED and ADORED prized possessions such as her Bob Mackie, Eliza Doolittle, Holiday Barbie, or 1950′s remake collections.

Yes, I admit I had a meltdown over Barbie’s – please do not judge. 

I am wholeheartedly (sort of) embarrassed by this, but I feel like my behavior is one that could help others understand. I will start with social stuff. My sister and my niece were in town last week and they visited with us. I have not been able to get the kids and me on a schedule at all. They are going to bed much later than they used to and I am having problems going to sleep. As a matter-of-fact, I do not want to! I am getting very frustrated with having Daniel so dependent on me to go to bed. I do not want to go to bed at 9 o’clock at night and I do not like the fact that he is refusing to go to bed unless I go to bed with him.

Last night I refused and made him go to bed without me. 

Again, please do not judge (at least, too harshly) no one knows what it is like in someone else’s home and I am well aware that Daniel is 7 years old. However, if he does not sleep and I do not sleep it is not good for anyone. He was so socially exhausted from yesterday that he fell asleep, and was very proud this morning saying, “Hey, mom I went to bed all by myself and I went to sleep.” Progress. Although, he is refusing to get into the car even after I found him some motion sickness medicine that he could take. He is afraid to take it and has informed me that he is never getting into a car again. :-)

My sister, step mom, and two nieces came in town on Monday. 

They “popped” by when they got into town, they had forewarned me that they were coming into town. There was no time given. They said that they tried to call, but I did not answer. I was giving the kids their baths. I did prepare the kids by saying that they may come by. The anticipation of not knowing when or if was causing all of us to be unsettled. My step mom had not seen us in about 4 years, I believe, so I really wanted to see her, and my other niece I had not seen in five years. I was happy to see them. To my surprise my step mom brought my Barbies.

Back-story:

I had a huge Barbie collection, when I moved to the West about 9 years ago… I think, I gave away some of my Barbie’s to my sisters. My youngest I gave the majority of them to. (It was my way of trying to stay connected.) She did not want them, and has voiced her “dislike” toward them rather strongly, according to my dad. I did not understand at the time her utter dislike for them, so they sat in my dad’s garage all of these years. A few years ago dad asked me if I wanted them for Ariel. I decided that I would take them back even though Ariel showed no interest in Barbie. We were never able to send money to get them and dad never got the funds either. When it was final that we were moving here, the plan would be for them to bring them on one of their visits. (They visit here often.)

SO my step mom brought them for me. 

I did not remember how many, or which ones I had until I opened the boxes this morning and pulled them out. As I did, my memory flooded and I started to get excited. I did not collect Barbie’s because of the typical reasons. I collected the dolls from different eras, or Eliza Doolittle because I love Audrey Hepburn or Sugarplum Fairy because of my obsession with The Nutcracker as a child. All of them had specific memories attached. I attached positive memories to my Barbies. I kept them all in their boxes neatly lined up on shelves in the second bedroom of my apartments.

It was my quiet place. 

They were neat and orderly, set perfectly just like my books. I collected black-and-white cows too and if they came in a box, I did not take them out. Friends and family would give many of my objects of collections to me. This would tag additional happy memories for me. As I pulled out the Barbies, I realized how many were not there. I could not even enjoy the ones I had. I felt sick, sad, hurt, as if something had been taken from me. I was fighting these feelings because Ariel actually liked them. She really liked the Barbies I had, she said, “These look different from other ones I have seen. I like these.”

When she sat on the floor looking at them she said, “I want to give these to my daughter.”

It struck me that those are all I have to give, I have books and Barbie to hand down. That is it. The collecting of Barbies started because one Christmas my mom had no money at all to get me presents. (I am not sure if I have shared the fullness of this story, sorry if it is a repeat.) The personnel manager at the store she worked at discovered that we had no money for gifts. She gave my mom money and refused my mom’s attempts to decline. My mom took the money and being the crafty one she is, she went to a thrift store and bought all of their Barbie dolls. She cleaned them up and took her scrap fabrics from the clothes she made us, and made boxes full of Barbie clothes for my dolls.

Christmas morning when I came out the tree had Barbies hanging all over it. 

She had also wrapped several of them with the clothes and it was one of the best Christmas mornings I ever had. I did not know the story until I was much older – I thought Santa Claus did it. Santa Claus…Urg! :-) My collecting of Barbies is connected to that memory. My Barbies have been much more than merely liking them. After discovering my childhood home being gone the other day, then not having the dolls that I love, triggered some deep pains. They are the most important ones because my mom was the one who gave me a Holiday Barbie every year for the longest time. The old movie and fashion ones are reminders of my mom.

The happy memories of my mom. 

They trigger good things when I am triggered by bad memories. I would have been better off never seeing any of them. I freaked out this morning without full knowledge of what I am sharing now. This post is helping me process. I wrote a text message to my step mom asking if she knew where they were, but I knew I sounded frantic. I am not sure how I would have responded in the past, but this time I caught myself. I realized that I was experiencing some intense emotions from the past few days. I had been on the phone with my mom’s friend who is going to see her this weekend, my grandma called, my mom called, (I could not talk) my sister and nieces came over yesterday and were here for several hours.

I was cranky and unfiltered saying whatever flew out of my mouth. 

This morning I woke up feeling sick, tired, and anxiety about my conversations yesterday. I cannot remember anything I said! When I am like that, I can say some pretty nutty things! Then, I had to go to Wal-Mart last night. I wore my headphones listened to my music and danced thinking happy thoughts. I also bought some soft zebra print shorts to make me feel better. I have been wearing them and my cog-like furry boots all day. Hee hee

I was able to stop myself from sending the text. 

I thought to myself, “Angel, she is taking her mother to the doctor; you need to put things into perspective.” Barbie freak out (meltdown) needed to stop. I have still been looping about it all day and feeling heartbroken. I was not sure why until I put all of the pieces together. Daniel is having a hard time and that takes a lot out of me too. I am still unpacking and organizing/cleaning. That helps me feel better though. I will wait and ask if my step mom knows where the other dolls are. I hope they still have them for Ariel she will really like them. They are very cool dolls. If they are gone, I wish I could have had a proper good-bye. I have been under the impression that they were all in the garage. I opened up some of the dolls for Ariel, like the teacher Barbie and some other ones. We took them out of the box!!

She has been playing with them all day. 

The prince in Beauty and The Beast arrested teacher Barbie because she was doing black magic and making all the other Barbies crazy. (Mean crazy) Apparently, if you are going to do black magic you are not allowed to make people go crazy. I asked her what she thought black magic was she said it is when you use it in the wrong way, but it can be turned good with red magic. She said that she made up black magic and she has never heard of it. Funny. I will have to have her create her own book of definitions so we know what different types of magic there are. :-)

My aunt called me and asked how I was doing. 

I felt all right talking to her and my grandma today, but still that is a lot of talking. I was happy to see my family, I want to see them, but it has taken so much out of me. I cannot stand it when my brain is like this it gets stuck and loses its creative flow. I am being hit with other emotions too. I lost my one friend I had where we used to live. I emailed her before we left; I tried to get in contact with her. I wanted to see her on many occasions, but she started a new job and I had so much going on. I hate when people just stop. I forget that they move on while I think everything is fine and dandy. I think we will just pick up right where we left off. My brain goes on pause, and they have grown out of me. I do not give them enough attention, I give them too much attention, I do not know what I do… I cannot seem to keep friends.

I hate it sometimes. 

I wish they would just tell me instead of leaving me hanging. I will not pick up the social cues. I will not understand. I get hurt, devastated, confused, and then loop about what I did wrong. It is not because I want to! Gosh! Just tell me you are done so I can move on. Such a flux of thoughts going on here. I am afraid I do not have a filter so who knows if I am making any sense. My point? If someone has a major meltdown, or shutdown that seems completely idiotic to you, try to consider all of the things wrapped up into that silly eruption of emotions. I guarantee the surface of the meltdown is only scraping the multitudes of what is really going on.

Ending on a happy note pictures!!! 

Oh, but really quick. I thought about the self-image thing and Barbie. As for me I never thought about comparing myself to Barbie, or thinking that I wanted to look like her. It never occurred to me to think that way until others brought that up. My thoughts were she is a doll, why would I want to look like a doll. I never compared myself to a baby doll. However, I do not know if there are subliminal messages that tapped into my brain somewhere and made me feel like I should look like her. Who knows! There are all kinds of things going on in my brain that I am unaware of. :-)

 

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