I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

He basically described many things in my life, and I am sure many others out there who need some confirmation today would find comfort listening to this. He is focusing more on women and girls later in the talk. He mentioned how AS girls can escape into imaginary worlds, and have imaginary friends. It made me laugh because yesterday I was talking out loud as an owl and a raven. They were my friends telling me the story that I am working on. I know that they were not real. It is just how my mind works. It is so funny how this talk is confirming so much of what I wrote out about dealing with anger. I am making more connections. It was confirming about what I am currently doing to try to find new coping mechanisms. It is confirming about me being a whistle-blower, my sensory intuition, my spy like qualities , and many other things. It is a great talk. I recommend listening to it.

Ok, back to John Keats.

This site Keats’ Kingdom had interesting facts like “Keats when he became a published poet collected every scrap of paper containing his earlier poems and burnt them as he considered them to be awful.” Um…no comment. Here are some excerpts that I found interesting as well. I am going to add my comments and indicate them by beginning with *.

Sent to Fanny Brawne February 1820

“For some reason or other your last night’s note was not so treasurable as former ones. I would fain that you call me Love still. To see you happy and in high spirits is a great consolation to me – still let me believe that you are not half as happy as my restoration would make you”

- Shows how Keats could be very selfish and inwards-thinking. Jealous and demanding

* The author here claims that Keats is being “Jealous and demanding” I question that after reading about his life. From my Aspie perspective (which really means nothing I am just stimming) I would say he is confused by her seeming happiness without him. He does not want her to feel unhappy, he treasures her joy, but he needs to know that she is missing him as much as he is missing her. He is feeling intense emotions that he felt she was feeling as well. However, by her note he is unsure which causes him to doubt her feelings. This confusion my life has often been labeled as jealousy and being demanding. He was consumed by her. In past writings he made it clear that he was uncomfortable around woman. I will share more of that later.

I wonder how many Aspies have been accused of being jealous or demanding when the reality is, we do not understand the social dynamics going on. I also wonder how often we act out in this because like Tony said in the above talk we prefer one-on-one instead of multiple people. The addition of another person can cause confusion about the relationship, and the relationship with the additional person. Relationships are so difficult. Is it that when we decide to give someone our affections we expect the same amount in return? If we see them being happy with others it could make us feel inadequate to the relationship? I don’t know these are the thoughts popping in my head at the moment. I am writing this on the fly.

“My sweet creature”
“I wander at the Beauty which has kept up the spell so fervently”

- It is strange that Keats should refer to his muse as a creature rather than a woman. Later on, he suggests that she has bewitched him, and can’t understand why she’s captivated him so much.
Fanny must have been somewhat confused by this, as Keats paints a picture of himself as being in love with Fanny, but for no particular reason except that she’s bewitched him.

* I do not find this strange at all. I express my love through animals, nature, colors, or numbers in my poetry or stories. I am able to confess my real emotions through the way I see creatures, or the world. I am not sure he was expressing that he was bewitched, but possibly he was able to express his affections in that way because it felt safer. He had never been in love before, it could have been too overwhelming to say: “Fanny, I love you”. He could have been terrified of the words — only able to express them through poems that indirectly, but cryptically revealed his true passions.

It is far easier to express your love imagining a creature as your desire of affection rather than the actual person. The creature will not reject you, and possibly he was purposely being cryptic because it was his cherished love that he did not want tainted by anyone else. Possibly she was the only one who understood what he was saying. I do have a kind of tragic love story brewing from the owl and the raven so my imagination could be taking flight here, but I will not expose anything. This is too fun.

Sent to Fanny Brawne June 1820

“..as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night”
“You are to me an object intensely desirable- the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy”

- It’s clear that Keats is hopelessly in love with Fanny. But as the letter goes on, the tone changes, almost becoming patronising:

“.. you have a thousand activities- you can be happy without me”
“You do not feel as I do- you do not know what it is to love”
“Ask yourself how many unhappy hours Keats has caused you in Lonliness”

- He just assumes Fanny doesn’t care that much for him, or perhaps he’s trying to provoke a response so that he can feel better? (assuming she will be kind in her reply)

* I do not think he is trying to provoke a reply here. Maybe he is I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem to go along with his character. Imagine thinking that you would never find a person that you could have such strong feelings for, add being confused by the social dynamics of that species, to discover one has caught your affections and seems to have the same affections. It would be scary, and if you have been abandoned before, such as he was as a child it would prove to be very challenging to trust your emotions and those of the other person. I think he has found that connection that he had never felt before and he does not know what else to with it. It is confusing to see her happy without him when he is so miserable without her.

It is hard to explain for me with friends, and even family it has been difficult to understand how people are so able to move forward without me. I have felt like it did not matter if I was around or not. Surely they never cared for me as they said they did because they are perfectly fine without me. It is part of the “all or nothing” mindset. I am getting a lot better in this area, though it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. It is not that I want them to be miserable, I just want to know that they miss me, I matter, and that they think of me. Just as I think of them, maybe not as obsessively, but at least fleeting happy thoughts. Lol! (I am not always obsessive…really…ok, about people anyway. )

It’s hard to understand where I stand in relationships.

I have expressed it before that I need someone to tell me if we are friends I will not figure it out. Well after years maybe. Like my one friend here, it took me two years to finally understand that we are good friends. I didn’t know this until a few months ago. I figured since we had not seen each other in so long that we were done being friends. I just assumed that we were finished with any kind of friendship and let it go since I had not seen her or heard from her in a while. I didn’t have any ill feelings — I just thought well it was a good run for me. Wow, that sounds kind of strange now that I wrote it out. I’ll leave it. More on Keats…

I found these letters on this site John Keats and Fanny Brawn. 

Keats felt uncomfortable with women and contemptuous of them. In July 1818, he wrote:

… I am certain I have not a right feeling towards Women–at this moment I am striving to be just to them but I cannot–Is it because they fall so far beneath my Boyish imagination? When I was a Schoolboy I thought a fair Woman a pure Goddess, my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept though she knew it not–I have no right to expect more than their reality.

I thought them etherial above Men–I find them perhaps equal…. I do not like to think insults in a Lady’s Company–I commit a Crime with her which absence would have not known–Is it not extraordinary? When among Men I have no evil thoughts, no malice, no spleen–I feel free to speak or to be silent–I can listen and from every one I can learn–my hands are in my pockets I am free from all suspicion and comfortable. When I am among Women I have evil thoughts, malice spleen–I cannot speak or be silent–I am full of Suspicions and therefore listen to no thing–I am in a hurry to be gone–You must be charitable and put all this perversity to my being disappointed since Boyhood–. . .

I could say a good deal about this but I will leave it in hopes of better and more worthy dispositions–and also content that I am wronging no one, for after all I do think better of Womankind than to suppose they care whether Mister John Keats five feet high likes them or not.

* Hee hee I love it! I feel the same about certain women. Sorry it’s true, and I have felt the same about certain men. Indeed. The next part amused me very much. Not in a sick way, just in a familiar and comfortable way. He was soon to meet the love of his life Fanny Brawne which makes this whole story very tragic, sad, wonderful and glorious at the same time.

It is not surprising that he would rather not marry, preferring solitude, the life of the imagination, and the appreciation of beauty:

…I hope I shall never marry. Though the most beautiful Creature were waiting for me at the end of a Journey or a walk; though the carpet were of Silk, the Curtains of the morning Clouds; the chairs and Sofa stuffed with Cygnet’s down; the food Manna, the Wine beyond Claret, the Window opening on Winandermere, I should not feel–or rather my Happiness would not be so fine, as my Solitude is sublime.

Then instead of what I have described, there is a Sublimity to welcome me home–The roaring of the wind is my wife and the Stars through the windowpane are my Children. The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness–an amiable wife and sweet Children I contemplate as a part of that Beauty. but I must have a thousand of those beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds–No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me, and serve my Spirit. . .

Letter, Oct 1818

He goes on to explain, “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in. “

I had not read all about John Keats until yesterday.

I had read his poetry before, but I had not dabbled into his life. I did not know any of this and ironically the story that is playing around in my head has very similar themes. I am not claiming that John Keats had Aspergers I am just seeing parallels for myself. And playing around to help me not get consumed in loops that I do need to get caught up in. I do find his life, and his love very interesting and I can relate very much to many of the things that I read. Who doesn’t want to consume information about John Keats? Come on! (giggle, giggle)

Here are a few links that I read:

John Keats

The Life of John Keats

The Grasshopper and The Cricket (Poem) 

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Goodness! What is wrong with me? I want chocolate!! I submitted to my craving and made chocolate covered strawberries. We will have them after dinner. I thought they looked so pretty that I would share a picture of them. They are fine looking specimens and the melted Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips are tasty. Hmm…Tasty.

Can you tell I am a little off?

I am excited and nervous about going to dance class again this week. Also, I am going to a play at the community theater in a couple of weeks with my mom and sisters for my sister’s birthday. I am looking forward to that as well as finding out the weekend that mom and I are going to Savannah there is a music festival! We are both excited, and kind of bummed. We discovered the concerts are quite pricey and after thinking about it there will be a lot more people roaming the streets.

The good news is that there could be other cool things happening because of the event.

I may be roaming the streets at night by myself since mom is usually in bed by 8:00pm and then up at 2:30am. She said she could stay up later than eight, we will see. I am ok with that I am used to her going to bed and me entertaining myself. Ha ha ha I am completely babbling because I have a lot rolling around in my head. I tried to stop my information consumption, but I cannot seem to do it. The book that I started reading is getting me thinking even more!  I am through the first chapter and I have a ton of things I want to talk about. I cannot get my thoughts organized though because I am obsessed with mythology at the moment and owls. AND everything is connecting to everything then, making me think of a billion other things.

Breathe… (Llama??)

Alright I am finished. Lol! I am excited at how well the kids are doing with school though. Yea! Again, they are arguing because of miscommunication, but school is going well. The miscommunication going on is pretty intense. All three of them are taking words and actions the wrong way from each other and from David and me. Maybe it is a sibling thing, I don’t know. David says that he had similar issues with his brothers. They were all fairly close in age so I guess it could be the situation. I am trying really hard to help them stay calm with each other and explain how they have misunderstood. Maybe this is why I am feeling off. Daniel and Joshua have been playing really well together, but if Joshua is done, Daniel gets so upset. Ariel wants a girl to play with she is “tired” of the boys.

She said she would like a robot.

Oh, well I suppose I had better get used to this kind of stuff. I just find it all so confusing sometimes. I have to share pictures of what Joshua has been creating. Since we got the Lego catalog he has been requesting all of the Batman Lego sets. We told him that he has to wait until his birthday that is in June. (He is talking about it every day.) He has decided to build his own sets until he gets the “real” ones. He creates all of them on his own — they are awesome. The other day he built an entire scene from the Batman Wii game. He also made a Penguin submarine and action figure for Daniel so they could play together. As well as building guys and robots from Robotech. I have pictures of their handwriting, drawings, and other things. Um… a lot of pictures.

Just because…

[Show as slideshow]

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One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

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I am still working through the second half of my Faking Happy post. In the meantime I read How To Know Another Person this morning and thought well this plays right into learning how to express myself (without fear). I do well in asking my kids questions and knowing them. I am very interested in them and I believe they know it. I do think I have done a good job with that. I think I need to apply it more so to myself as a good way to discover parts of me that I have lost. Not only that it can be a test for me to use with relationships. In true relationships people are willing to answer questions and they in turn ask you questions. My history with long-term relationships has been me asking questions, and either the person dominating with all of their answers or they give simple glossy answers.

Another thing that has happened is them asking me nothing.

This could possibly be because of my ability to dominate a conversation if I start talking about a special interest. If that is the case I completely understand, but the more loving thing to do would be to tell me instead of ignore me. I have no problem with people telling me that I am boring them with my talk about the Fibonacci sequence, or telling me that they do not want to talk about my cat for hours. I am ok with that. If you don’t want to discuss all of the connections that I have made for the day with the word shimmer, fine just tell me.   I will go write about it instead and we can move on in the conversation.

What about Marcel Proust you ask?

I will tell you, in the post I shared above he talks about the “Proust Questionnaire” and it got me thinking. I thought it would be a good idea for me to sit down and write out the answers to these and see what I really felt as I wrote them. It also made me think that I could use these as a gauge of people I would want to interact with. I do not plan on laying a list out when I first meet people and request answers from them, but I can use it as a guide. Do I want to know these things about people? Do they show interest in wanting to know these things about me? Are we mutually interested in each other? Do they answer evasively, not answer, or give direct answers? I want to know people. If I have let people in my life I expect the same amount of interest in me as I have in them.

I do not think that is a wrong thing to ask for.

I do not know why it has been so difficult for me to understand the common interactions between relationships. It has been a tedious task for me to work through my confusion in this area, but I am doing it. If I come up with a series of questions it could also help me discern people that I do not want to know better.  They could be great people, but not great for me and vice versa. It has nothing to do with me or them we just don’t fit. I think that could be very helpful to me. I can’t believe I am a grown woman putting into practice the things that I am teaching my kids. I will not think on that it is widely known that a good way to learn is to teach. I will think of it as my growing and learning process. I am never too old to learn anything including social skills!

Part of me working through some of these posts is to help me define what relationships mean to me.

I normally do not share some of the harder posts until I have worked through quite a bit. I have been processing what relationships are for over a year now. It started after my last catastrophic encounters at church in 2009, but it has taken this long to even get to this point. I believe a lot of that has to do with me living in denial. After looking back at the people I would have called friends there, quite honestly I would not have asked them any of the questions listed below. I am not sure many of them could answer them. I am not digging at them as people it is true many of them could not think of poets, or composers. It was not because they were unable or incapable of it they chose to limit themselves and doubted their own abilities to think for themselves. I did not fit because I was constantly challenging them to think for themselves without even realizing it.

I am going to write down my own answers, possibly share in another post.

Maybe you would like to play along. Share if you like. I admit that it is difficult for me to only pick one favorite of anything. There are too many greats!

Here are the questions from the post I mentioned. They may be a bit more relevant for our day, but I do like the Proust questionnaire and will be going through it as well.

James Lipton’s Ten Questions:
What is your favorite word?

What is your least favorite word?

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

What turns you off?

What is your favorite curse word?

What sound or noise do you love?

What sound or noise do you hate?

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

What profession would you not like to do?

Proust Questionnaire

Your most marked characteristic?

The quality you most like in a man?

The quality you most like in a woman?

What do you most value in your friends?

What is your principle defect?

What is your favorite occupation?

What is your dream of happiness?

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

What would you like to be?

In what country would you like to live?

What is your favorite color?

What is your favorite flower?

What is your favorite bird?

Who are your favorite prose writers?

Who are your favorite poets?

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Who are your favorite composers?

Who are your favorite painters?

Who are your heroes in real life?

Who are your favorite heroines of history?

What are your favorite names?

What is it you most dislike?

What historical figures do you most despise?

What event in military history do you most admire?

What reform do you most admire?

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

How would you like to die?

What is your present state of mind?

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

What is your motto?

Proust answers can be found here The Infamous Proust Questionnaire.

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David made a statement to me the other day that shook me quite a lot. I cannot recall his exact words for the whole statement, but it was something like: “You have the ability to stay in long-term relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you. You assume that you have voiced or expressed your unhappiness clearly, but in reality you seem perfectly fine.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes, as I stared at him feeling the truth of those penetrating words. Those words have been swimming around in my head since he spoke them to me. My thoughts have been filled with the pierce of what those words meant to me. He was not being mean to me — he was stating the obvious to me. I thought that I had been expressing myself all of these years. I assumed that others knew that I was in emotional pain, angry, or frustrated. The revelation of people being unable to read me did not hit until he said that.

My best friend that I mentioned in a previous post, I was not happy with.

She and I were not good together. It was a clear co-dependent relationship that manifested because she wanted to escape her home life and I wanted a live-in person that I could talk to all the time. I was a teenager in desperate need of a person to help me with social situations. I did not know what a friend was either. I had damaged many of my friendships with my quirks and oddities or social confusion, and shutdowns where I would cut them off completely. Or my so-called friends treated me poorly, and eventually I figured it out and cut them out of my life. I did not know what friendships were supposed to look like. I did not have examples of healthy romantic relationships either. I assumed that since these people were with me all the time that they knew how they were hurting me, and that brought about feelings that they were doing it on purpose (some actually were). I would then take on the responsibility for their mistreatment thinking that if I could only do better or be nicer then they would stop.

I assumed if you were good and nice, you would win people over.

I read this Are You Teaching People to Treat You Badly? recently. It explained that type of thinking is actually rewarding bad behavior. If you continue to allow people to treat you poorly and reward them with acts of kindness, they will continue to treat you poorly. Most likely it will escalate and you will lose all sense of your self-worth. I read this last night The Sad Art of Gaslighting which opened my eyes to many people throughout my life. I have always thought that I seem to be drawn to manipulators – part of that is true. In reality they seek people like me out once they see how easily it is to manipulate me. I have spoken about this before, but in the past I have had spouts of feeling like I have completely lost myself.

This time around I am not allowing myself to sink back into an old pattern.

My pattern is to worry and be so afraid of hurting others that I will not allow myself to be me for long. I get so fearful of rejection that I stop talking about the things I love. My negative experiences with people responding toward me about my special interests caused me to only pick “safe” topics to talk about. I wrote a post back in 2010 where I shared about many of the things that I loved, but I cut them out of my life. I started to step out again regaining some of myself back in 2001-2003. However, the feeling of rejection from people caused me to stop again and I allowed my fears to take control. I once again embodied a legalistic view of my beliefs so I could control what I felt.

I see now how I purposely chose to isolate myself from the things I loved.

In that post, I talked about how I remembered my love of music, art, movies, etc…what I failed to mention was that I would only allow myself to enjoy certain ones, even in 2010 up till more recently. I chose only the ones that were safe and would not make me feel too much. If I felt or relived any past experiences, I would have meltdowns, and I would not be able to explain why. I purposely chose certain groups of people to surround myself with so that I would keep myself in check reassuring me that R-rated movies were bad, that I should not listen to secular music, that I shouldn’t read certain books, or learn about science.

I used it as a way to keep control of my world, much like alcohol and anorexia.

They both helped me not to feel, though I desperately longed to. David did help me work out of my one form of control that I used by constantly limiting my mind to isolated specific subjects and sources. His “that’s a load of crap” attitude helped me come out of some damaging thinking patterns about gaining knowledge and allowing myself to think freely. The groups that I chose had a very “anti-intellectual” mindset. I discovered that intellect is not evil and thinking for myself would not lead me down a path to destruction. The unspoken rule was I should never indulge my questioning mind and should trust their “spiritual” intellect. I find it rather ironic now to think that one thinks trusting reason is wrong while trusting emotions is the ultimate source. Reason and logic can be solid, emotions are fleeting — I think that is why I have had such problems with them. I read 10 Ways to Enhance Your Emotional Intelligence that helped me quite a bit as well.

They can be crafty…those manipulators.

I did not last long in that environment. I always end up lashing out in a meltdown or I go into complete shutdown. I continued to try to stay in them throughout the years, but no matter how hard I try, I always go against the grain. I am not able to conform I can only fake it for a while. Not allowing my brain to venture out in multiple subjects, and learning makes me depressed. I knew this so instead of consuming what I wanted to, I gathered information that was allowable through their perspective. My lack of social understanding caused me to teeter back and forth from having out of control outbursts to keeping everything in and harming myself. The majority of the time my outbursts were directly related to my inability to hold it in any longer. I did (am learning) not know how to communicate my feelings, and I felt like if I did, then I would be rejected. I did the only thing I could to survive, I hid them, rejected them, told myself that they were not real.

I felt incapable of learning social dynamics because I had failed so many times.

I believe after reading The Trouble With Bright Girls I could resolve that I not only did this with education, but social learning as well. I felt like I was incapable of ever learning what was going on with people, and relationships. I would always turn to another person to show me the way. I would take on their social character traits.   This pattern would make me feel like a liar, a fake, and that would cause inner turmoil. I did not know how to express that I felt like the “real” me was wrong so I had no choice. I would have severe anger outbursts because of this confusion and frustration. My outbursts would ultimately lead to me cutting people off and being alone again, or them leaving me. I would hit a point where I could not fake it anymore, and I could not take them constantly manipulating me. It was far better to be alone than to have them in my life, this includes family.

I have cut them off, and gone back to them numerous times throughout my life.

I only learned to voice my pain and frustrations through exploding. This is a learned behavior because I was unable to express my true feelings. If I did express myself I was not comforted or validated by what I felt. I was told to get over it and move on. I was told that I was overreacting or how I was making the other person feel. I would be devastated if someone told me that my feelings were causing them pain. I would never tell them anything that I was feeling again to spare them any pain. I tried to control my outbursts as much as possible, I internalized. However, at some point my mind would make me realize that something was wrong. I was not being treated fair, and when I tried to express myself they would tell me things like I was making it up or that I didn’t understand. Somehow my feelings got drowned out, and were proven to not matter.

I was also mocked, or told that I was foolish for my feelings.

I learned to suppress my feelings so deeply that no one could know what I was truly feeling. My added issues of not understanding my own emotions caused many negative loops. I was unable to move forward because I felt like it was wrong that I was not allowed to express myself, but I also didn’t know what I was feeling. It has been even more difficult because I did not understand the majority of what was happening to me it just felt wrong, this increased my confusion and anxiety. I just had to make everything go away so no one else was affected by my issues. I continue to hold things in and not say anything. I have been doing really well at working through this, but I am unhappy about things and I am hurt.

I am hurt by people in my life, and I am hurt by myself.

Faking Happy II soon to come….

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Yes, hello sadness cycle there you are…Ironically every time I am in my “happy” cycle I tend to fool myself into believing that it will last. I was debating whether or not I wanted to “out” myself since I have been on such a good run, but the truth is, I fooled myself. It is an odd occasion where I am not feeling both happy/sad at the same time. I should start charting the degrees of what I am feeling. Today I am 51.8% sad and 48.2% happy. I am being consistent. It was not until yesterday, when I felt completely overwhelmed and started to have thoughts of not mattering to people that I realized this is truly a pattern of mine.

The things leading up to my current feelings are very clear.

I have exposed myself with information that I feel is making me naked in front of the whole world. I then, felt foolish over the things I shared. I felt like it was silly to feel exposed over what type of music I like or that I always wanted to go to the ballet. Most people do not find that exposing at all. However, to me I am sharing things that by my now expression of liking them is more intense. I have the feeling that NOW everyone else will know what I am thinking or feeling. I have voiced my liking for things before with no real consequence to me because I kept hidden my true feelings in my mind. Once I openly confessed how much I cared for something in my recent posts it was like my words revealed the real me, but to other people they were just words. I tend to forget that people do not think of them like I do.

Words and music are very personal things to me.

Many times I feel like I have closer relations with them than people…Ok, I actually do. I have deep attachments to some of these things that I have been sharing lately. Then, after I have shared them I relived past meltdowns/shutdowns, and other experiences about some of the things that I have exposed. Once those enter the picture I feel guilt or shame, or the worst possible feeling in the world for me — stupid. If I spiral down to the point of feeling like an idiot, well then I have mastered my perfect point of depression cycle.

I am not there yet, but that is also the reason for this post – to stop it.

What makes me feel stupid? It is not the feeling of lack of intelligence about certain topics, or questioning my ability to think and reason through most things. It is not about my ability to be educated, or feeling that I lack the ability to regurgitate information acquired in an articulate manner. No, it is not that at all, though what I am about to say does trigger doubt in my intellect sometimes. It is feeling like I am being made fun of, being misunderstood, treated poorly, feeling like I am misunderstanding others, and I cannot figure out what it is true or not. It is wondering if my aunt is angry with me for some reason though I have done nothing to make her angry, and if she was she would tell me. It is feeling anxious because I did not call my dad and step mom on Christmas because I couldn’t from social stress. It is the feeling of being invisible with all of my family members on fb while they are all “living” it up with each other and nary a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year sent my way.

I did email my dad that was all I could do.

David skyped his dad and step mom and, then his mom and her side of the family and I could barely get off of the computer long enough to say: “Hi”. My mom was here when David skyped his dad so I could say: “Hi” and not have to worry about talking very much. David did thank me for my feeble attempts to be social though I am a good faker in that area it tends to eat at me and gnaw at my insides until I crack. I have another post that I have been working through titled “Faking Happy”. There is a statement in there from David that I believe is worth sharing more than once. He said to me several days ago: “You have the ability to stay in long relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you.”

Yea, that spun me into several paths of thought.

It also brought tears that were completely unexpected. I can go through all of my long-term relationships and see this, with family, friends, ex’s, and even in my workplace. I was willing to work to the point of my complete illness both mental and physical because I did not want to hurt my bosses or upset them. These were bosses who used my abilities for their gain and did not treat me right at all. I remembered the last boss I had at a major retailer. We had an agreement I would come to his store if he got me in to do another round of what they called “Round Robin” sessions. The Round Robins were a day involving three sets of interviews with usually three executives all at the same time including store managers, district managers, and the Human Relations district manager. The regional manger would be there for certain positions. It was very challenging, and not the best thing for a person with anxiety issues or Aspergers. If I had known then I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself, and felt like such a failure.

I had gone through them twice already, and felt I could finally do well through them and get promoted.

There is a whole story with all of that, but basically my anxiety would get the best of me and my true self would not show. They always commented about me “not looking them in the eyes” and felt that I was too insecure and timid. HA! Me timid? I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to work I have never been timid. I was good at every job I did there and I knew it. I was a good trainer and most of the time a good leader when I did not have to deal with social nonsense.

Back to the story, I had been working over night for several weeks and was out of the loop.

I came in one morning to discover that the Round Robins were going on that day. My boss failed to tell me, and he did not even sign me up. He forgot about me even though he had been walking with me every night, complimenting me, and was even amazed at the amount of work I had accomplished in such little time. The people who I was talking to could tell that I was beyond upset, I asked where he was and they told me that he was part of the interviewing sessions.

I walked out.

They tried to stop me and calm me down, but I was done and I was not coming back. I sobbed uncontrollably the whole way home. I sobbed for hours, and I did not leave my bed. I felt such excruciating pain in my body that I cannot even describe. I felt broken. I felt rejected, invisible, and I could not understand why someone could not care the least little bit about me when I had poured my life into that store for him. Well for the company, but I was devoted to him as a boss. It triggered every moment in time where I put my trust in an authority figure, proved my loyalty and abilities only to feel trampled on and ignored. He called me leaving messages for me to come back, I did not pick up the phone I heard his messages on the machine.

I did come back and he apologized over and beyond.

He was honest in telling me that he didn’t have a good reason he had just forgotten. He forgot me. Do you know what that did to a person like me? It solidified the already pounding voices that had told me I did not matter. My hard work and over 60 hours a week that I put in did not matter. The fact that I drove 45 minutes to work, was there on time, stayed as long as he needed, fixed things in other departments for team leaders who were not fulfilling their job duties, and spending my days off if needed there…did not matter. My reactions may seem a bit extreme, but it triggered a lot of emotions at the time. I was also still deeply wounded by past relationships where the men in my life made me feel as if I didn’t matter. I got over it, I understood his reasons.

He did have a lot going on.

The positive that came out of it was that I did not have to go through those series of interviews ever again! He felt awful, and since I had already gone through them twice, he was on the committee, and I had proved my abilities and how capable I was I got promoted anyway. They also could not locate my previous reviews that had stated that I needed more “growing”. It was strange. I look back on some of my situations where I felt completely devastated by things like that and see how a lot of the times they ended up working out in my favor. It does not take away the feelings of rejection, the feelings that I was not even thought of was extremely painful, I still feel it today. I do not know how other people handle these types of things. I do not know how people get over these thoughts, or when the sting of familiar feelings hit how do they not relive them.

My mind has to work double time to cope with this stuff.

I am nowhere near where I used to be, and that is a positive. I read several posts yesterday from the blog Life with Aspergers about Aspergers and depression. I cannot tell you how much these posts helped me. I combed through them and applied what I was learning. I discovered my biggest problem is much like my anxiety problem was I have not accepted this cycle. I finally accepted my anxiety which has helped immensely. Even though I have confessed my understanding of the cycles, I still have not accepted all of them fully. I had hidden thoughts that somehow if I had the information that it would miraculously disappear. I am not talking about being in severe depression — I know the difference between that and my cycles. I would go to a doctor if I was feeling that way. This is the depression that comes and is triggered by certain things, but I know that it will go soon enough.

I get negative thoughts, but mostly because I hold in my hurt, anger, or frustrations.

I also can cause myself a great deal of stress by fixating on my confusion. I will start to think things like I shouldn’t post ever again, or share my poetry, or walk out of my house because what does it matter anyway. I begin to believe that people do not want to hear from me ever again. I have images of family, and friends rolling their eyes at my emails or comments. I then think they only reply because they feel obligated. I start to tell myself that I need to clam up. I need to wither away into my own small world with no social contact so that I will not feel the social confusion, or anxiety.

It’s funny as I am writing these out and sharing them I see how silly they sound.

That reveals to me how I should not waste time on these kinds of thoughts or worry about things like whether my family even knows if I exist. I have accepted this cycle and I can already feel some of the silly thoughts leaving me now. I confess though they feel real, but I know that many of them are not. I am going to listen to this song for a while ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE~Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers and work through some of these thoughts. I am tired of faking happy. Tomorrow I will shoot for 68% happy and 32% sad…my gradient of joy. My acceptance of the depression (sadness) cycle is a healing process for me with my acceptance comes the ability to think of new ways to handle and process it. I am exchanging unhealthy patterns for new healthier ones one layer at a time.

If you have not read these I highly recommend them they are great resources.

Aspergers and Depression

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 2

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 3

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 4

This post from another blog helped me too.

Managing Your Anxieties and PTSD

And another song because I think Kevin Spacey is tops!

Also because I was listening to the soundtrack of Midnight Garden of Good and Evil…maybe that made me sad? No, it was a series of things including sensory stuff. Without further ado I give you “That Old Black Magic” performed by Kevin Spacey who always makes me smile. (I loved him in Se7en, another favorite…Big surprise!)

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Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

People who do that have caused me to doubt my own perception skills. It has also caused me to seek out as much information to create a lasting memory to help me know how a person feels about me or about others. My mix up with the definition of perception and being judgmental was picked up by me while I was around certain groups of people. I also got the mix up from family members throughout my life. It has caused me to doubt what I feel/see, be anxious, and then be consumed with irrational thoughts. (I plan on doing a whole post about irrational thoughts at some point.)

In one of the shows I talked about yesterday, they showed a screen of words that were colors.

Instead of the letters being red for the word red, they were yellow. Or the letters in the word yellow were green. I do not know if those were the exact colors because I was in the middle of brushing Daniel’s teeth, but when I would look up and saw each word, I shouted out the correct word, not the color of the letters. Here is a picture that may help get a feel of what I mean.

Based on the definition of perception I was actually very perceptive while many other people were not based on the TV program.

It got me thinking about me, autism, and perception. I thought about the times that I have been very perceptive, but others convinced me that I was wrong. After years and years of having this done to me, I finally accepted that I lacked any perceptive skills. However, that goes against who I am and how my brain works. Those with sensory integration issues, like myself, are VERY perceptive of their surroundings (sometimes it may be detailed, and specific). Many times it looks like we are not because we shutdown. Or go into meltdown mode. The intensity of emotional, physical, and sensory combined can be too much to bear at times.

It is much like empathy — we do not lack it many times we don’t know what to do with it.

There have been many occasions when I knew that people were lying, or they were not very nice people. I would voice my concerns with others and they would tell me that I was wrong. Have you ever noticed that many charismatic people tend to gain the trust of the masses? Have you ever heard of the famous doctor serial killer Marcel Petiot? He was supposedly very charismatic, charming, intelligent, and a doctor! Even though he had gotten busted for thieving while he was mayor, people still supported him. He continued to steal and be shady — I guess he remedied any issues by moving to Paris and using his charms there. (Until he got caught, that is.)

I find all of that so interesting because we as humans can be so easily swayed.

We can doubt ourselves based on group think, or status think. Many bullies get away with things because the perception is, they are a good student, a star athlete, or a teacher’s pet. Many people in our lives can convince us that what we perceive is wrong based on their own fears, insecurities, or desires. I personally have had so much hope in the good of people that I have challenged my own gut instincts, and changed my perception. I think my mom and David have been the only two to see me consistently call out people who are not being honest, forthright, or deceptive.

Thinking about it more I do have several friends who have witnessed this with me.

I forget that I do have several friends that I have kept for over 10 years. My bad…My memory is proving to fail me.   I had learned to not say anything and to sit in doubt and confusion. Both of them have also caused me to question myself as well, but I know that they were not trying to hurt me. (They tend to be distrustful of people.) I have been right about people being good when others have perceived them as bad as well.

They had their own personal reasons, but I felt confident enough to challenge them after a while.

I still was not sure of myself and would loop about what I thought, what I saw, what I heard, why they did not believe me, and a zillion other questions. After watching some of these videos, reading some more information, and also going over my perception skills, I have come to the conclusion that I am not as far-off as I thought. We have to learn to trust our instincts, but also know that we can be heavily influenced by our wants, fears, other people’s perceptions, and how we view the world. I am going to work on fine tuning my perception skills so I can trust myself a little bit more. I know, just like my memory it will not be 100% accurate, (no one is) but it is worth it to stop anxiety and irrational thoughts.

I read through this article again Navigating Love and Autism and compared some things to my own experiences.

The section about Kristen and her boyfriend at the time hit a nerve. It made me recognize how I picked up a faulty perception of myself based on many similar words spoken to me from family, friends, and ex’s. The section begins with this:

“Kirsten’s two previous boyfriends had broken up with her, too, and her current boyfriend was an unlikely match — a charismatic extrovert with soulful blue eyes who thrived on meeting new people. But when she admitted at the outset of their senior year in high school that she envied his social ease, he had embraced the role of social coach.” (emphasis added)

As I read many of the comments that her ex-boyfriend made to her it was a flash of my own life.

I see how people in my life have perceived me as cold, rude, uncouth, and juvenile at times. They would then decide to take me under their wing to guide me into proper social “fitting in” ways. It would work for a while, but I always end up saying or doing something not “right”.   The whole article is packed full of greatness, and it helped me to gain a bit more understanding about myself. It is also a great resource to help the kids as they get older. I am so happy to have people of all ages opening up and sharing their stories, it is going to pave a path for our kids to succeed so many ways.  Hopefully it will help change the perception and stigma in a lot of areas not only autism. I have a lot more to ponder so I am going to stop with that.

I watched these videos that were interesting as well:

Beau Lotto: Optical illusions show how we see

In this talk about optical illusions at the end he is explaining how they are transforming color into sound, I chuckled a bit because my mind already does that.

BBC Horizon: Do you see what I see? “The Himba tribe”

I did point out the different green square before they pointed it out. I can’t find the rest of the video.

Do You See What I See? (I can’t get this one to play, but maybe some of you can.)

Update: I have currently tried to correct this post 8 times, and I am driving myself batty. If there are any inconsistencies or if I am not making sense, just let it slide. I have gotten brain clutter I think from everything I consumed, and I am having a hard time filtering. So now I am going to go paint. Dippity-doo!

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Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven.   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

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I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers.   I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)

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My poor grandma got an ear full of Daniel speaking truth the other day. He said several times to her “You’re fat.” or “Why are you fat?” Then, “Why do you have white hair?” He also said, “Why does your voice sound like you are crying?” My grandma did not take the fat comment very well, and I think that she was waiting for me to address it the first time. Well…I wish I could say that I did and that I handled it like the adult mom I am supposed to be, but I did not. I laughed! Oh, my goodness, the HA! Ha ha ha came out of my mouth before I realized it and as soon as I did it, I covered my mouth, controlled myself, and said: “Oh, Daniel yes, grandma is back,” and I guided him to the back door to play.

Grandma did not buy it for a second.

I sat there thinking I could apologize or try to fix it, but then I thought that she knows that he is autistic and these things come out of his mouth. She knows that he meant nothing malicious by his comment — he was stating that she was larger than us, and he used the word fat. Later on when he did it again, and my mom was home, I did fix it by saying “You mean grandma is bigger than you?” Daniel responded with “Yes, grandma is bigger than me.” I am used to him saying those things to me all the time. I think it is hilarious when he says “Mom, you have a big butt.” I laugh and shake it and say “I know!” and then sing shake your booty or some other booty song. My butt is big compared to his tiny little booty.

That is what he is doing with his comments.

He states things that he sees, it is how he defines them the best that he can. It is a huge deal that he is becoming aware of his surroundings and the differences in people. I am not going to scold him for something that takes him a lot of effort to do. It could cause him to shut down. He is the sweetest boy, and if he understood that it hurt someone’s feelings by saying that, he would feel horrible. The thing is he doesn’t — he does not comprehend that yet, but he will as he gets older. So I am not going to punish him for making observations in his world and then saying them. It took a long time to hear that precious voice to begin with! Don’t get me wrong, I do not allow him to be hurtful or say things that can blatantly hurt someone. I try to explain things as best as possible. It is kind of hard for me to catch at times though since I am notorious for saying such things myself without a thought.

There is a reason why we do not think those things would be hurtful.

We do not think that way — we happen to say things that we observe and say them according to the defined vocabulary that we have in our heads. Nothing mean, vicious, or hurtful, only clear definitions and terms. The word fat to Daniel is currently defined as “bigger than me” and that’s all. It is that simple. I found it amusing because I know that his intentions were to say that grandma was bigger, and I thought it was cute that he used the word fat. All of the kids say things like that and I am so used to it that I forget that others could take offense. I have to confess though, I am not going to sit around correcting my children to be overly polite and try to spend their life trying not to offend people.

Someone always gets offended.

No matter how hard you try, someone will always misunderstand your words or motives. It offends me more when people get upset at kids for just being themselves, and stating things that they see so clearly. They say things that are filtered through their limited knowledge or understanding of things. I tend to get more upset at the adults because the kids do not know any better. Yes, they should learn, but I do not think that they need to be “set in their place” so to speak. Freedom to speak their minds gives us an incredible world of entertaining thoughts, and some wonderful things to think about. I think that we can learn a lot from their perspective.

I cannot recall if I have written the following story before, but I think it is quite telling.

I remember watching a program, though I do not remember what it was now. The mother was sharing how she was afraid to swim, or be near water. Her little girl loved to swim, and begged her mom to come in the water. The mother refused, and one day the girl said something like “Come on mom, are you chicken?” The mother burst into tears, and told her daughter how awful that was to say. She went on to tell the daughter how badly she had hurt her feelings, and that she needed to think of how other people felt before she said things. I am pretty sure that the girl was between 8-10 years old. The mom continued to talk about how she was afraid of drowning, and that she was fearful. She felt by her daughter saying that she was not being sensitive to her fears.

I sat watching this mother in complete shock.

It was baffling to me that this grown woman would expect her young daughter to understand how fearful she was of the water. Not to mention the manipulation of pawning off her own insecurities as the responsibility of her daughter. Her daughter did not know her fears, even if the mother had explained it in great detail. I am also not sure that she would have fully grasped the fear that her mother had of the water. She was a little girl. As I watched her sitting with her mother, her demeanor changed when the mom shared this story. Her shoulders lowered, and she looked down, and her face was a little sad, confused, or annoyed, I am not quite sure. The real kicker though was at the end when the mom said that her daughter had learned from her mistake and is now considerate of her mother’s feelings. I don’t take what my kids say to me so seriously. Maybe it’s because I understand that they are kids, they are testing out their language and social skills they need to have the freedom to learn without my fears trampling on them.

Things like this get me thinking about my own circumstances.

All of my life, I have had people make comments about my birthmark. Those who have read my blog for a while know that I have a port wine birthmark on the left side of my neck and about two inches across on my jawline. It has been the source of ridicule my whole life, and I must say some of the worst offenders have been adults. Since I have been around children so much, and I worked in children’s ministry for so many years, I am very accustomed to their honesty. They are the first to ask me about my birthmark and are genuinely interested in why I have it. I usually use it as a lesson in skin pigmentation, and they think that is so “cool”. I have seen parents freak out when kids ask me about it, but every time it happens, I get down at eye level with them, and explain what my birthmark is. I have always won the heart of every child who ever asked me about it, and they even think that it is cool afterwards.

I have been able to use my birthmark to help teach kids to be comfortable with whom they are.

I have used it in Bible lessons, and as a resource to talk about people who are different than us. The kids have always asked in curiosity. I have no problem with that — I have no problem when someone asks me if I have been burned or something. It does not bother me when it is a sincere question. However, in most cases all of those questions have been asked by children or teenagers. The reality is that I have had more adults stare in disgust, gawk at me, make rude comments, or even mock it. Those times, I get hurt the most because it is just plain rude, and for some reason I think adults should know better. I do get upset at times when I am reminded of my birthmark, not because it bothers me but because it bothers others. I think that has been a lot of my problem though, about my stims, behaviors, my feelings, my interests, and everything about me. I have been more concerned with not wanting to be a bother than being who I am.

The kids have asked me about my birthmark, and I have never felt insecure or like I needed to tell them how to ask me properly.

They have all asked why I have it and how birthmarks happen. They do not see it as a flaw or anything.  When we have been out, there have been occasions when we have seen someone else with a birthmark, and they got excited and said something about the person having a birthmark just like me. I think if there was more time spent on teaching about differences and the value of asking questions or stating truths we would gain a lot more acceptance and appreciation for the differences in others. It could help get rid of some of the projected fears people have. Maybe I am being too simple.

I guess balance is key here once again, though it is kind of hard since I am still such a kid myself!

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