05/17/13

“Angel Is A Centerfold” (Um, No!)

When I was a young girl, around eightish the song “Centerfold” by the J. Geils Band was blaring all over the radio. My aunts who were four and five years older than me, played the “Freeze Frame” album all the time. My step mom’s sister, as well as my dad’s sisters were frequently over on the weekends when I went to visit. I normally, spent much of my time with them because dad was busy doing things… I loved the song “Freeze Frame.” My aunts made up dances and I learned them! They included me into the dances despite being too young for such teenage hipsters.

These are some of my favorite memories.

We watched scary movies, listened to great music, they let me dance all wild and do my gymnastics all over the yard, just being my silly self, (I have not changed much.) and they did what “naughty” teenagers do. Hee hee My dad and step mom had parties a lot. My dad had his band over for practice A LOT also. That reminds me I have another post floating in my head about Freddie Mercury. My dad would take on the persona of any musician – he did a rock awesome Freddie. It helped that he had many similar features as him as well.

Tonight on my way home from the store “Centerfold” came on.

I turned it up and as I was singing thinking my happy thoughts, I was consumed with emotion. First, it was dread, but I did not know why. Then, confusion it ended in laughter. I will explain in a moment. This week has been great with my mom. It has been taxing, draining, exhausting, but it was a great visit. However, I was overcome with many emotions. I became bombarded with her negative emotions that she has connected to this town. She tried very hard to be positive, but I felt her energy. I knew what she was thinking and feeling even if I could not articulate the exact emotion – I knew.

I had my emotions about her being here.

On Wednesday, she shared a whole bunch of old photos that stirred up a mess of emotions that I am still trying to process and find words for, I am working on a post for that because it requires an entire post itself. My body, spirit, and mind absorbed my children’s emotions too. Those are a not as complicated, but mixed with everyone else and my own it’s a bit much to process. I am feeling good about tonight’s emotional surprise though. I have made some huge progress in identifying quickly my emotions, knowing what triggered them, and articulating them. Not always, but yesterday I was able to and now this evening.

I was able to see them as emotions without judgment.

I allowed myself to feel them with the knowledge that they would be fleeting. When I heard the song, dread poured into my soul because kids at school made fun of me about the song. They would point and sing, “Angel Is A Centerfold” and I would sing back laughing and dancing. I had no idea what a centerfold was, all I knew was that I thought it was super cool whenever I heard a song with my name in it. I thought the kids thought it was cool too. It was not until several years later possibly as an early teen, I cannot exactly recall, that I discovered what a centerfold was. Even when I watched the video, I did not understand it.

I do remember that one of the boys started laughing at me on the bus about it.

A group of boys who bullied me at the bus stop started singing it on the bus ride home. I laughed and sang along and he stopped saying something like, “What is wrong with you? Are you stupid or something?” I did not understand why he said that asked what he meant. He said, “Angel is a centerfold. You’re naked! Ha ha ha” I was so confused; I remember looking at myself thinking, what is he talking about? I have all my clothes on. It gave the boys more ammunition to call me a “ding bat” “spacey” and “stupid.”

All of that filled my innards when the song first came on.

It caused dread and confusion. After I processed that, I began to laugh. I felt incredibly thankful to be me. I thought how wonderful it was to stay so innocent of such things despite the abuse that had happened to me when I was even younger than that. I thought about all of the things that I had been exposed to that at the time I had no clue was VERY much too adult for my age. I still have memories of things that I do not realize were inappropriate for me until it is something to that my kids may be exposed to. There have been times when David asked me why I left something on the TV when the kids were in the room. I was clueless that it would be inappropriate.

I did not understand what was happening on the show.

I found it confusing, which is why the TV stays off. I am not SO naive that I would let them watch anything really bad, but I do have my moments when I just-do-not-get-it. I am SUPER sensitive at times too. My good memories of the song, dancing with my aunts took over and washed away the dread and confusion. I wanted to be sure and document this because I have had an intense week, but I have also made some great progress with my emotions and some of my trauma. Now, there is another post on the way that I am unsure as to how I feel about it. I will say I find it interesting how an object can trigger all sorts of negative associations. Especially, when it is something as innocent as a child’s toy phone.

I will tackle those emotions later for now I am dancing to this! (Yes, we did the dance in the video.)

I just had a thought, I realized how ironic it was that as a child my mom could not keep clothes on me. I was a child who took her clothes off at any chance I could get. It was such a frustration and challenge for my mom. I am glad I finally found clothes I could wear! I would never be able to be a centerfold girl though, nope, just could not do it.

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me. It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

It was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/26/13

“I Was Not Raised To Say Good Morning!”

I did say something like that – it is true. It is kind of a funny story, the reason why those words came out of my mouth. It was when David and I had moved across country. We had to live with his mom and stepfather for several months. They were challenging months. One indecent that still sticks out is the day David and I were requested to have a meeting with his stepfather and mom. It was something that I will never forget because it confused me tremendously. Many social situations happened while living there and in that town that awakened me to such utter confusion that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I had never been around such social dynamics and I was traumatized.

On a daily basis, I was confused, hurt, angry, sick, and my head was reeling nonstop trying to make sense of my surroundings. I had no family or friends and only David to rely upon. At least, I understood somewhat the traumas that I felt with my family. They were familiar and I had learned how to protect myself, maybe not in the healthiest of ways, but I could protect myself nonetheless. However, when this situation took place we had only been there a few weeks so I had not spiraled into fear, confusion, and severe anxiety yet.

Back to the story, I will try to stay focused.

There had been several days of tension in the air. I was clueless as to what was going on, but I felt it. It was causing my head to feel dizzy. I did notice that tones, body language, and words seemed different, but I had no idea why. I asked David about it and he did not pay that much attention to it. His stepfather had been in his life for around 23 years. This man violated David and his brother’s space, time, and anything else in their lives that he could. So David was in his own protection mode and knew how to ignore the man, or finds ways to make himself feel better.

The minute I met the man I did not feel comfortable around him.

The only way I could describe at the time was he seemed very negative and grumpy. When he walked into the room, it seemed to zap out all the life in each person. Nothing made him happy, but me being the hopeful naive person I am, I thought we just needed to try harder. I thought maybe David was too negative and possibly God was trying to show us how to be more compassionate. Well, there are times when I just lose all compassion toward a person, especially when I have tried very hard and they accuse me of being disrespectful.

OR rude!

Keep in mind that David and I were in our early thirties when this took place. We were finally able to set a time to meet. It was in the evening, we sat in the living room. I did not know what to expect. I felt like a teenager who was about to be grounded or something, but I had no idea what I had done wrong. I had gone over everything in my head trying to figure out what this was all about. Then conversation started with the stepfather voicing his frustrations at us and feeling as though we were disrespecting him.

I was confused.

Now they told us that we were welcome into their home to stay as long as we needed. As far as I knew, it was rent-free until we were able to get our own place. David and I were still unable to find work, we had only been there a few weeks, and in the midst of that, we had gotten married.

I did not understand what this man was talking about.

Much of it is a blur to me now because I became so angry and confused that the words were jumbled. It came down to this, the stepfather said; he was upset because we did not say, “Good morning” to him every morning. WHAT??? I sat there staring at him in disbelief. He proceeded to share every bit of grievance he had about us not acknowledging him if he came into the room, and being disrespectful by coming and going when we pleased.

David was angry.

I was stumped. He continued with his banter about not saying good morning and I told him, “I was not raised that way.” He shook his head at me and said, “I do not believe you Angel, I saw you with your family when they were here.”These words shot out of my mouth, “That was my dad and step mom! I did not grow up with them. Besides it has taken years for me to even be like that with them.”

I went into HOW I was raised.

I grew up with my mom and in that house you did (do) not talk until after she has her morning tea. There was never a good morning. I was not allowed to say that or ask questions, or request breakfast until my mom had her first cup of tea and cigarette. (I was making my own breakfast by around age 6 or 7, probably earlier but I cannot remember clearly.) What he saw with my dad was years of weekend visits. In my home, you were lucky to get a grunt if you walked into the room. I was constantly told to be quiet, settle down, and stop asking questions. I was told things such as, “I don’t know, I am tired, stop asking me questions, leave mommy alone.” I was not allowed to speak to my mom when she came home from work. I had to give her at least 10 minutes before I bothered her with anything.

My mom was not trying to be mean; she needed that time to process.

She requires uninterrupted time alone to wake up in the morning to adjust to her day. If her routine is interrupted, her entire day is ruined. When she gets home from anywhere, she needs time to adjust. She has to change her clothes; many times, she needs some food, and then, her tea. After that, she is able to function socially. Also in my house, “please and thank you” were not that big of a deal. Other things took precedence.

It wasn’t that I was raised to be rude, but we did not spend our time saying such things.

It was that those words had real meaning to them; they were earned so to speak. My mom did not force me to say them. We said them to each other when we meant them or thought of it. I do think that both of us would have benefited if we had said those types of things to each other more often. We had too many other things on our mind than to think about things like that. It is a little difficult for me to explain.

That is how I was raised.

Not to mention by the time the “stepfather” incident happened, I had been living on my own since I was 18 years-old for the most part. (I had to move back home a few times, but about 6 months was the longest stretch.) I had my own routines. I had lived alone for most of that time, but when I met David, I had been alone for something like a year and half I believe. I could not believe the behavior of a grown man getting upset at such foolishness. However, when I thought about this situation I recalled how many other people have gotten offended at me for not saying good morning.

They have gotten offended at me not addressing their presence.

If I am busily working, I may look up at you, but it is as my mouth is sealed shut. I have no words. My mind is too busy processing other things. If it is first thing in the morning, it is raging with all sorts of thoughts from trying to discern the dream I had to wondering if I can recall some famous event that happened on that day years ago. It could be anything. I could be wondering if squirrels are fidgety or just anxious. I could try to figure out a more efficient way to clean the litter box.

Anything and multiple things are soaring through my brain.

AND let us go ahead and add how I could be freaking out on the inside because I smell someone’s cologne or food on the other side of the room! I could be so focused on not yelling, “What is that god awful smell?” that I just cannot stop all that I am doing and say something to you first. I can usually say it back if someone says it first, I most likely will not say good morning though.

I WILL NOT say that if it is not a “good” morning.

I will say, hi, morning, or give a head nod. I do not get offended if someone does not say it to me. At some point, in the day they will speak to me I am fine with that. Of course, my way of thinking does not work for passive-aggressive types. Their tactics of silent treatment do not work on me. I only assume that they do not feel like talking because when I do not feel like talking I do not talk.

I am not giving the silent treatment.

The point of my story is that I was perceived as rude and disrespectful and I had no idea that the person felt that way. The way that I was raised, it was rude and disrespectful if I did talk before someone else spoke to me. I could not understand his anger or hurt by the situation. All though, the man had other serious issues. He even went after David after he had excused me because of my up-bringing.

He told him, “You know better.”

As if, David was supposed to have made me aware, or something. Um, we were in our thirties! David had been in graduate school for seven years prior, I had been in the workforce since I was 16 years-old, both of us had been married and divorced, AND we lived on our own for years. None of that mattered because he could only see from his perspective, which was distorted by offense. Truth be told, I was offend too because of his offense. People seem to forget about where others are coming from when they are clouded by offense, myself included. I was not raised that way, I was deeply offended at what I felt was childish and ridiculous, but I also tried my best to do small things to help this man feel respected.

He did let us stay in his home, even if David’s mom may have been the driving force behind that.

I still felt that he should be respected and that I would try. I do not think it much mattered though, he is just one of those people that no matter how much you try it is never enough. I will say, it was awkward and a challenge for me to remember to say “good morning.” It still is, it is a challenge for me to remember to say say thank you or other ”polite” things. Not because I do not feel them, quite honestly, the words seem to have lost their weight to me. Any person can say words flippantly and without true purpose – I like to show my appreciation through actions.

It feels more comfortable to me to do something in return for someone than, to only say words. (AND I will not say them unless I mean them.)

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists, teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself!

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well.

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled!

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04/9/13

Peace? (& Ramblings I suppose …)

(I wrote this yesterday, but I did not get a chance to read it over until today. It is not real time! Aaa! I have no idea why I have to share that, I just do. )

I could go into so many directions with this post, even as I write I am not exactly sure where I am going. Today is a very odd “vibe” feeling kind of day. I feel good, in a way I guess I could describe it happy, but I do not feel emotions the way others describe them so I suppose it is an Angel Happy. It is a much better feeling than, months ago when I was only able to feel happy-sad at the same time. I have managed to separate the two in some way. However, I do feel on the verge of anxiety and a bit of sadness, but I think the anxiety is triggering the sadness.

The morning started really great.

I then, had an interaction with David that was not bad or anything but, it is something that happens quite often. He speaks as if he knows information on a topic that I know full well he does not because I have researched and know more about the accurate data than, he. When I say anything, he gets frustrated and I get frustrated because he adds information into the mix that I never said and I have no idea where it comes from.

It really was no big deal, but my mind could not let it go.

I knew that it was nothing to make an issue out of, but it is something that has personally happened to me AND I have researched it. The topic was stalking. Many people are unaware of the issues of stalking or the dangers. I did not understand that my own experience with having a stalker contributed to my PTSD symptoms.

I did not even realize I was being stalked!

I knew that the behaviors of the individual were freaky and made me scared, on edge, paranoid, and angry, but I did not understand that I was being stalked. An ex-boyfriend stalked me for several years and later his unstable girlfriend turned into wife, who thought I “wanted her man”, stalked me. I think she understood after I looked her into the face and said, “I don’t want anything to do with him and you shouldn’t either. He is a liar, abuser, and womanizer who will never stop.” She stayed with him; I have no idea what has happened since then. (It was around 1997, I believe.)

I feel it is an important issue so I will link to several other resources about stalking below.

And because I have had such a hard time letting it go (from my conversation with David) here are some statistics. I will also address that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, as well as Parkinson’s Awareness Month. (I am linking to a blog friend of mine who is an amazing artist and is diagnosed with PD.) The theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month campaign is “It’s time to talk about it.” (Talk early, talk often. Prevent Sexual Violence.) I am not ready to talk about things openly. I will when I am ready, but it may not be through this blog. I do not know and I do not have to know. Oops, I may have deviated into another chunk of thought…

Wait, if you would like to be caught up on all the awareness that goes on each month go here List of commemorative months.

I am mind jumping back to my earlier conversation. After the interaction, I felt a bit; scratchy is the best I can describe. I felt off and in my mind, I had to say several things to finally be able to move on. Such as, “You are aware that I never said, 1 in 5. Those words never came out of me. You do know that right?” He just looked at me and laughed and said, “You are still stuck on that.” I have a sneaky suspicion that he knew I would be stuck. :-/ Anyway, I moved on from that and knew that it was not that big of deal. Then, I went to Facebook still feeling chipper, but a little off.

I started to feel VERY off.

I can see a clear pattern in myself when I go onto facebook when feeling shaky and on the verge of anxiety. I start to notice things that may or may not be true and even if they are WHO CARES! Why, does it bother me? It doesn’t unless I am feeling off. I do not even notice it until I am feeling off. I have been incredibly social; I just had a great time with my family (which I plan to write about later) on Saturday. I had a great spring break with the kids. I completed my fourth poetry book, which is a huge goal I had, I accomplished many goals I set out to on a personal level and for my kids, AND I cleaned the house yesterday.

I think my mind may have a lot to process.

I went blank when I read a question that was asked by Sam Craft at Everyday Aspergers, “When are you most at peace?” I went blank. I looked outside at my yard and thought, “I never feel at peace.” I feel still and like now calm, focused, positive, optimistic, goal-orientated, but I do not feel peace. What does peace even feel like? I do not know. However, as I read some of the comments that people shared it occurred to me I feel somewhat of what they describe when I write. When I write poetry, stories, or even now. I feel complete, calm, whole, and right, it feels like fluidity and natural within my body. I also feel that way at certain times when dancing or exercising, but mostly when I write.

I have found my peace, and I can feel my anxieties slowly passing as I type.

I was not feeling that when I sat here to type out whatever felt like flowing out of my fingertips. I guess, that is why I sat to write. I am on a positive stretch and I want to stay there. I do not want to be consumed with needless anxiety. I do not want to lose the mind balance that I have been able to maintain for the last few weeks.

The kids and I are having some really great days.

I do not want to let some slight misunderstanding or my perceived actions of others on social media to disrupt that. It has been a rough several years, it has been a very challenging couple of years, things are starting to look brighter, and I want to remember that. Anxiety can distort the mind in so many ways, depression does as well, and negative thinking can be anchor into both of them.

I feel like a buoy surrounded by clear water for the first time in a long and I do not want to stop be-popping soaking in the sun!

I know that the links that I am sharing do not have a jolly type of theme, but it needs to be talked about. I find joy in the fact that I am a survivor. I am alive and I am not bound by fears from my abusers or stalkers. Does it stir up fears, you betcha! But they do not bind me and I feel great success in how much I have overcome. I feel very positive, hopeful with my continued progress, and healing. I find comfort and hope in other survivors and their stories when I am not so fragile to be able to read them. If you are in a healthy place and able to share your story, please do. You can help countless faceless people like me!

Here, here to strength, endurance, positivity, and the survivors from all sorts of tragedy who share their stories!

I do not feel so sad now, but I did realize that some of that sad feeling was triggered by the realization that I felt that the conversation this morning reflected that many people do not think about stalking, abuse, bullying, Autism disabilities, neurological disorders, mental illness, cancer, disease, etc … and so on. They assume they know the facts and when they encounter someone who not only has lived it, but has also done the “homework” they still do not listen.

This really had nothing to do with David and our conversation.

It had to do with the fact that people assume a lot of things until it happens to them and then, they realize how much misinformation they have been fed by media and people in their circles. We all have to filter through voices, influences, our faulty beliefs, and seek what is true and what is not. We have to be critical thinkers for ourselves and be compassionate human beings in the process. Well, I will try anyway.

Links in no particular order.

Stalking

Stalking Resource Center

Stalking Awareness

Help for Victims

RAINN

Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Information Packet

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03/24/13

A-ha! Moment & Some 80′s Music

I just had an “a-ha” moment. It finally sunk into my head that I am not the problem. Hear me out, now I am happy to own up to any of my wrongdoings. I am usually the first one to point them out and confess them with utter apologies. However, I am not at fault for every single mishap in relationships. I knew nothing of boundaries, being that my violations started at the age of five. You cannot have healthy relationships without healthy boundaries.

I read this today that gave me much clarity into the reasons why I have had such difficulties with boundaries.

“Some persons, however, have great difficulty setting boundaries—they may even believe that setting boundaries is rude—and this difficulty usually derives from child abuse. But let’s be clear that abuse can range from subtle emotional manipulation to severe sexual and physical abuse. To the unconscious, though, any abuse, no matter how mild or severe, is an insult to personal dignity. It’s precisely this insult to personal dignity that explains why adults who were abused as children lack the ability to set appropriate boundaries. Why? Well, their not having boundaries served them as a defense mechanism in childhood. Most abused children know intuitively that if you try to do anything to resist the abuse, you just get hurt all the more. So setting aside any resistance means less hurt.” ~ A Guide to Psychology and its Practice (A very informative site.)

I have been made to feel that setting boundaries is NOT loving to others.

In order to survive throughout my life in relationships and even some work places, I have had to eliminate boundaries. If I set them, I was rejected in some form or fashion. Being that I felt rejected from childhood on my desires was to feel accepted and wanted. Thankfully, at some point, I believe my lack of understanding about emotional manipulation and my absolute need for solitude and personal space, I would become fed up and end the relationship. Some were easier than others were, but I got to a point where the cost of my sanity outweighed the cost of my desire of being accepted and loved.

Another positive thing about how my mind works is that I do not need people to feel complete.

I desire genuine relationships and to have long-lasting friendships, but I do not feel wrong or bad about myself for not having them in “real” life. I do believe I have some great friends virtually, but it does have its limits. There are times when I wish I had a person right here with me to see what is going on in my life. I would like to have someone I could go to in the physical realm. I have support from my family; however, it is still not the same. I think many people can understand what I mean by that statement.

I have been working on boundaries for a long time, but I have had such difficulty with it.

I was not sure why. I understood several things from an intellectual mindset – I could not connect the emotional aspect until I read that paragraph above about abuse and boundaries. I get it! (Inserting another link Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self.) It explains why I have shut down so many times and disassociated from myself, environment, relationships, and felt the only way I could survive was to cut off feeling my emotions. This has been going on for decades and it explains why when I have been single and lived by myself that I did not do this in such extremes.

There is a lot to all of that though.

Now that I can see with clarity how my boundaries were violated, and how I took the path of least resistance I can start setting them without confusion. My recent lack of maintaining boundaries was due to my confusion about boundaries. I have been manipulated to believe that setting boundaries is the uncaring thing to do. It disrespects the other person. It shows lack of trust on my part. It is hurtful to the other person. I should be giving everything including my thoughts, emotions, belongings, etc…

I have been led to believe that I do not deserve boundaries.

I felt that boundaries only belonged to the person(s) who were in authority, or perceived authority. I had several specific things from life as examples, but I decided to remove them because I felt too vulnerable. I will share a list below and will link to Recognizing Boundary Issues if other would like more specifics about boundaries. (This is not only in personal life, this happens at work, in religious settings, sports, and it is in every type of relationship. Here is one link I will share The Lowdown On Abusive Bosses And The Unhealthy Workplace – Part 1)

I have felt as though I brought all of this on myself.

I was led to believe that I was the problem directly or indirectly. I was manipulated because of my belief that people are genuinely good. I still believe that most people are good, but I also understand human nature much better now. I was also very naive about abuse and manipulation. I am still ignorant about much of that. My mind has a hard time comprehending people being like that. In my gut, I have known when my boundaries were violated, but I could not express it.

I had no words for it.

I was unsure and full of doubt because I had so many people violate my boundaries and then, convince me that I was the one who was being inconsiderate, overreacting, or plain wrong. Though I knew, it became much easier to take the path of least residence. Why? Because I got tired and confused. Plain and simple I got tired of the fight and tired of looping about all of the possible things that I had done wrong. Or looping in hopes of discovering some answers to clear up the emotions I could not explain. I got tired of trying to stand up for myself. I got so beaten down emotionally that I would lose what little sense of self I had. Opting to believe that I was the problem because when I tried to discuss or bring up anything I would cause more anger and frustration – leading me to believe that in fact it was me. Why, did I cause so many people to become angry, hurt, or frustrated?

I am sure my lack of “appropriate” communication skills brought out angers in others.

I can understand how my directness could hurt people’s feelings, but I do not speak maliciously. I say whatever is rushing through my mind without a thought. I really wish my mom and me either would have been exposed to some healthy relationships or led to some resources long ago. I believe it would have helped her painful path as well as I mine. I could have used the list below for relationships of ALL kinds. Taken from How to tell if you’re being manipulated.

If you are in a relationship and notice a few of the following signs, there’s a high probability you’re being manipulated:

Your joy at finding love has turned into the fear of losing it. This is known as the “manipulative shift.” You will start feeling stressed at this point.
Sometimes s/he gives you a lot of attention and love, and sometimes he gives you the cold shoulder for no reason. You’re left wondering what you’ve done wrong.
Your feelings have gone from happiness and euphoria to anxiety, sadness and even desperation.
Your relationship feels very complex, although you may not be sure why.
You obsess about the relationship almost constantly.
You never feel sure of where you stand with your partner; you feel you’re in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety.
You feel confused about the relationship and frequently ask your partner what’s wrong. He becomes angry or frustrated and he consistently denies responsibility for any problems.
You feel that you just don’t know how to make him happy.
You may frequently feel angry and resentful toward your partner, yet be unable to express it. Communication feels restricted or even forbidden, causing feelings of extreme frustration and even hostility.
You feel inadequate. You don’t feel as good about yourself as you did before the relationship.
Your emotions and moods are controlled by your partner’s words and actions

My goodness if I would have had this information!

“If you feel less strong, less confident, less secure, less intelligent, less sane, or in any other way “less than” anything you were before you met him (or her), you are being covertly emotionally manipulated.” ~ About Covert Emotional Manipulation

And these! Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, Stages of the Psychopathic Bond. However, not all of the relationships I have been in have been this manipulative. Quite honestly, they were just not smart enough. They were bullies and abusers, but they did not psychologically get into my head and almost destroy my very existence. Nope. They were violent, aggressive, said vile things to me, cheated, lied, and whatnot, but I have experienced manipulation and control far more psychological than their tactics. Not all of them.

It really does not matter at this point whether I had the information or not.

There is no guarantee that anything would have changed because the fact of the matter is that I still have and always did have social confusion that causes me self-doubt. I still have and always did have anxiety, which can distort my perceptions. I still have and always have had sensory issues that can also distort my ability to understand the world around me. I still am and have always been unable to read body language, read faces, understand tones, or have the ability to understand/express my emotions. I felt in my gut right and wrong, but I could only understand when another was violating another person’s boundaries. I did not understand when mine were violated.

I have not understood when other people set boundaries with me.

I have come to understand that. I have not really covered all of my thoughts on this topic, but I think I got quite a bit out to help me process my a-ha moment. I started to feel down about all of this. I started to feel shame and guilt. Then, I remembered what my therapist said the other day. She gave me suggestions to help with my cognitive accuracy and she mentioned music. I told her I had to be careful with what music I listen to because it can trigger a lot of emotion especially, if I am feeling vulnerable.

She then said, “Ok, you need happy feel good music. Well then, listen to 80′s music. 80′s music is all about having fun and partying.”

Lol! (Not all, of course.) I am not beating myself up for these things. I am taking this moment and accepting that what happened in the past happened, and the past can include an hour ago or even two seconds ago. I cannot change it, but I sure as heck can change what I do today. I already started setting personal boundaries a while ago and I have noticed my self-esteem getting better.

Today, I realized how important it is to set emotional and mental boundaries.

It is my head and no one else is allowed in there to mess with me! I have been slowly doing this, but today I truly understood the importance. My eyes were opened to how much I have allowed others to stay in my head filling it with negativity. I admit I have felt hopeless in this area for quite a while, but after my therapist telling me to be kind to myself and to understand that this has been going on for a long time, it helped me to see that I cannot change all of this over night. The reality is that we will encounter people like this in any area of our life. The best way to protect ourselves and help smite out confusion and self-doubt is to understand how they operate. It helps to gain control over what we can our own minds, actions, and responses – set boundaries.

I have a list to look at to help me each day taken from here SETTING AND ENFORCING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES!

Assess the current state of your boundaries, using the list below:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
• Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
• Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.

UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by:

• Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
• Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

Ok, I am ending this now it is much longer than I wanted it to be – 80′s music! (Yes, I was an MTV kid.)

Blondie-Call Me

Depeche Mode - Just Can’t Get Enough (With Lyrics)

INXS – Devil inside

Erasure – a little respect (I’m so in love with you I’ll be forever blue … )

JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS – I Hate Myself For Lovin’ You (Rawr!!!)

Mötley Crüe – Live Wire (Woooot! ’cause I’m alive, live wire!! Hee hee)

New Order – Blue Monday (must-listen-addicted-to-song-happy-making-me)

Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf (You know it!)

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark - Electricity

Poison – I Want Action (Bwaaa haaaa)

Yazoo ( Yaz ) — Don’ t Go

I suppose I should link to a-ha – Take On Me (Official Video) :-)

Too many to choose! These had happy vibes.

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03/19/13

Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

I wanted to share my other post about idealized love, but I still do not feel like it is right. (ready) My head is trying to process “obsessive” love at the moment and how there can be misread signs of an Aspergers person falling into this. I have even questioned myself as to whether I had obsessive love for someone. For me I find that thought frightening – I would never want to be that way toward another human being. I do not believe that I ever have.

The first line of the definition is:

“Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.” I do not feel that Aspergers for the most part are actually doing this in the sense of wanting to “posses” another person. I think we become overwhelmed with emotion for the person and our inability to quickly process or understand our emotions can cause us to become fixated on the person to the point of feeling like an obsession. The initial connection to a person whether a friend or love interest can be new, confusing, intense, and override our senses.

There is also the added lack of understanding of social cues, so we may be obsessed because we do not know how the person feels about us.

That could lead into fears, confusion, and anxieties causing us to misread words, actions, body language, and creating loops about every single encounter we have ever had. I have no clear knowledge on the topic, but it seems like our chemical reactions could go into hyper-drive. Especially, if we have found someone that has perked our interest when so many others seem lackluster and insufficient in comparison to the simplicity we can have simply engulfing ourselves in our special interests. Still I am processing and have no clear ideals or answers so my musings are to help my brain process. Possibly others will gain from my ponderings and whatnot’s.

Alrighty, on to my topic of the day. (May venture into another side topic that is swimming in my head for a brief moment.)

I have been paying close attention to my anxiety triggers for the last month. I have been detailing words and actions that cause a physical reaction in my body in order to discern what is actually happening. For years, I have allowed the physical affects to pass by without any thought. I did not think I could do anything about it. Several years ago, when I started to research anxiety I realized that it could cause certain physical reactions.

I had no prior knowledge about anxiety, really.

I had always assumed that there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was the only one who ever felt that way. This was not the case at first. When I had anxiety as a child I assumed that everyone else felt exactly what I felt and could not understand why they would get so upset, frustrated, or confused by me. It took a while, but I finally concluded that I HAD to be the only one.

Now I know that I am not.

I was so comforted in discovering that others knew what I was and had gone through with my anxiety and panic attacks. It has taken me several years to get to the point where I finally realized that I could detect my triggers. There are several reasons for that, but I will not go into it. SO! Today was the first day that I watched the manifestation of what a trigger could do to me mentally. It may sound strange, but in a way, I stepped outside of myself and paid close attention to what happened to me both physically and mentally.

It started with the trigger.

I was happy this morning. I was feeling really good. Daniel and I went grocery shopping together on Saturday and he did great. We both had fun and we recovered rather quickly from the sensory assaults that attack in a Wal-Mart. Sunday was a great day with the kids and me. Then, Monday we went to a new park and met Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher for the first time, in the physical world. These were some pretty big things in just a few days and everyone was still feeling and doing well. Today, I was feeling a little overwhelmed because I have not had a break in a while. My grandma has been sick and going to my spin class is not really a break because I take Ariel with me so she can get some social time. (And get away from the boys for a while.)

I was still feeling pretty good. I decided to set up eye exams for the kids.

I made the appointments online, which I liked very much. They called me to get everything squared away, we are not set yet, but it is in the works. I share that because one thing that my anxiety can feed on is WAITING! The unknown, the unanswered, the forever-lingering appointments, telephone call, email???? Here is where the trigger comes. I am all fine and dandy be-bopping proud of myself for making the appointments and I go to share. Then, I am told about how so and so went to their appointment and they got a bad prescription when they were a kid and it caused problem.

There was first a bunch of other words spoken that felt like a bunch of bees swarming my head.

When the negative prescription comment was made I felt a tinge in my heart. I say tinge because I do not know how else to describe it. It is the slightest of painful tickle. That is the best I can do. It feels like black and silver prickly thorns barely tapping at my heart.

It does not hurt badly, but just enough to cause an ache.

I tried to combat it with my own confident words knowing full well I am capable of taking my children to the eye doctor and ensuring that they get the best attention and care. I felt confident in myself after the words, but the tinge started to swarm my whole heart. It trickled into my belly. Self-doubt started to creep in. My mind started to wander and I went to facebook, which I knew that I should not go.

It happened!

I went onto facebook and started reading into things that people posted. I started to have the thoughts that I have no friends. That no one notices when I am not around. I stopped and stared at my computer screen knowing full well what I was doing. Instead of feeding it, I made myself sit there and feel it. I accepted the fears and the irrational thoughts of my anxiety. I knew what exactly caused it. My mood went from happy to irritable and somewhat sad. I knew what was happening, but I could not stop it. I decided that I needed to ride it out.

I forced myself not to take things personally that I saw on facebook.

I reminded myself that these thoughts were fleeting and they are not absolute truth. I was doing much better, but still feeling off. This is when I took notice of how I interpreted things that I read. Articles or posts that had the slightest trigger for me caused an instant irritation and a desire to go into a full on 2000 word rant. I stopped myself. Here is my sidetrack moment though. Today I saw this:

“Is your man distant, cold and insensitive? He could secretly be AUTISTIC. Two wives open up about their husbands’ diagnoses”

I will be honest it ticked me off. After my last post, expressing some things in regards to this it just really irked me. I have more in my other post about idealized love too on this topic. I am not going to go into my full rant, but what I would REALLY like to see is some more Aspergers men share their feelings about this.

How do you feel about your spouse or partner feeling this way?

Have they tried to understand you or have they automatically assumed all of your Asperger traits make you distant, cold, and insensitive? Do they have any idea how you show affection? Are all of the issues perceived through their perceptions? Does ANYONE ever stop and think of the WHY an Autistic person may seem distant, cold, and insensitive other than through their own expectations that they claim are not being met?

Look, I know I may sound like I am taking sides here; maybe I am a little bit.

HOWEVER, I ask you for a moment to consider how difficult it can be to go through an entire life undiagnosed. Can you consider for a moment what it is like to feel so incredibly different and not know why? Think about how much of an Autistic person’s life could have been filled with constant confusion and lack of empathy from others.

Then, as an Autistic you are continually told how much you lack empathy or emotion.

Think about our world, our world, our minds do not process or think in the same ways and we are bombarded with this world that we live in telling us how wrong we are for being the way we are. We are told how we need to change to make others feel loved. We need to learn how to express emotion, thoughts, and learn to communicate in ways that can feel foreign and unnatural? I am not against compromise, but I wonder … I wonder.

Sigh … I will stop because I am not sure if I am making any sense.

Back to my anxiety – I am passionate about understanding relationships. I understand both sides for Autistics and nonautisitics. I do realize the difficultly and pain that others may be feeling, but I felt a mass amount of irritation today about it. I felt my belly on fire and I felt like it was an injustice to portray us in such generalized ways. (Well that is injustice.) My agitation was heightened because of my anxiety. I would not normally linger with the feelings of irritation and annoyance. I can usually see their point, have my reaction, and then, quickly move on with sympathy for all parties. My anxiety kept the negative feelings lingering.

By 3:00 pm, I was feeling fatigued and sick.

My brain was fuzzy, my stomach hurt, and I started to have signs of allergy symptoms. Daniel had his tutor coming so I had to keep my social mask on; it was a social encounter by that point I was not looking forward to. It did help that I understood why I felt the way I did. The tutoring session went well, but my sensory sensitivities heightened causing even more irritation. I was starting to get irritated and hurt by her because she kept staring at my birthmark. I normally, hide it pretty well just so I do not have to deal with that too, but I was too tired today.

This caused me to have another trigger of insecurity.

I have so many traumas wrapped up into my birthmark that if I am vulnerable in any way it can send me into tears if someone stares at it. By 4:15 pm, I was ready for bed. Of course, I could not go to bed. I shook it off reminding myself that I have no idea what she was thinking and WHO CARES anyway! I have three little ones to take care of I do not need to concern myself with things like that. Instead, I read books in the living room to them. Daniel was on the chair with me and Ariel and Joshua played while listening.

After dinner, I had to lay on the couch for a little bit.

Ariel lay with me while the boys played and we watched Seinfeld and then, The Brady Bunch because they had never seen it before. Daniel asked me to turn it off. Lol! He said, “I do not like the sound that the show makes.” I am not sure what that means, but I turned it off. After that, I got up did the dishes and decided to take a shower. I felt much better and realized that I should probably document all of this to help me process.

Who knows maybe someone else knows what I am talking about or can relate!

Writing all of this I understand how one perceived negative comment (and bombarding of unnecessary words and negative tales) could spin me into a tinge of anxiety. I now know what it means when I get that tinge in my heart. Since, I allowed myself to “experience” all of this I think I am better equipped to redirect myself next time. I also understand that my many social and sensory situations have made me more vulnerable and sensitive. This week is packed. Grandma is supposed to come on Thursday if she feels well (a lingering unknown), I am still waiting for the exact date of the eye exams, and on Friday they are working on the house. I have to think of something to do with the kids away from the house because they will be putting in insulation, it has to be done inside the house. (Oh, and I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday afternoon.) More lingering unknowns … unsettled anxieties.

Knowing is half the battle!

Some excellent read for the day. (Could[should] bring awareness and perspective.)

There Will Never Be Another You

New Research on Autism and Suicide

Autistic children are 28 times more likely to be suicidal

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03/17/13

Ideal(ized) Love & So On …

I have written another post about this that has become an entity of its own. I was trying to bring clarity to the differences between narcissistic idealized love (fantasies) and that of Aspergers ideals of love. I tried to find resources for Aspergers, but there are limited resources on the topic.

I did mange to find a few, but I found a lot more about narcissists.

However, with this post and the other I could not stay clear and direct on the topics I wanted to cover. So I hope by sharing this I can give a few helpful tidbits?? I will post the other tomorrow after I comb over it again. Let’s talk about Aspergers and love. (I reread this post Love Is Blind, Marriage Is the Eye-opener.) Many of us have deep, penetrating love for someone(people), our animals, our special interests, or one/all of the above.

Some of our behaviors can look (maybe a little bit “wink, wink”) obsessive.

Our “obsessive,” better words, extremely focused of all attention; behaviors are distinctively different from a narcissist. I have not read very many things that indicate that Aspergers people are psychic vampires or emotionally draining. Emotionally confusing, not showing empathy the ways others expect, possibly not very touchy/feely, may want to have (need) time alone, but I have not read articles where they say my Aspergers partner sucks the very life out of me and I am left in a constant state of confusion/fear/worthlessness.

Though I have read some of that from women dating/married to Aspergers men.

I cannot speak about that since I do not know their situation. I do not know his side of the story. I do not know what is going on in the household, or how they perceive his actions. Based on the many myths about Aspergers I am inclined to believe that there are other factors playing into the behaviors that these women describe that may be other than Aspergers.

I do not have enough information to make a proper judgment.

I did read this and for any women who may feel hopeless in their marriage maybe you will find some hope Married…with Asperger’s. Back to the obsession thing, can we become obsessed with individuals? Yes. And guess what? So can everyone else! The difference is that we are not very good at hiding it. If we care for someone, our emotions can take the best of us and override all other things. Here was a quick post that I found Asperger’s Crushes: When the Brain Gets Hijacked by Neuro-terrorists.

We can become obsessively madly “in love” with our special interests.

Do not misinterpret my statement. I love music; I used to be obsessed with music. I lived in a world that was nothing but music. I felt like it knew me, it spoke to me, it exposed me. I personalized it to be my best imaginary friend. I still feel deep connections with music, but I no longer become so engulfed that I spend hours in a music store or online searching for new music or old music.

I have had many things that I loved with all of my being.

I have loved my animals deeply. (I do love Mr. Nathaniel he is the BEST!) I have loved certain people in my life with more love than I can describe. I think my love for my children has trumped all other love for me. It is different and unique and even when I do not feel connected on this planet, my love for them connects me. I do not know how to explain it. I am not obsessed with my children. I actually, think it is the first time I have loved in a healthy way and that is why it is so different.

The thing about narcissists is that they do not understand that.

They are incapable of loving people or their “special interests” in a way that does not objectify. The only emotion and connection they feel are the intense drug-like effects and that is why there is a constant need to fulfill that instant gratification. They are not long lasting. They do not feel deeply connected.

They have only adopted the love for it to achieve some other master plan that they have meshing around in their mind.

People who feel that Aspergers (Autistics) do not love or are incapable, should consider their view of love differently. Stop for a moment and ponder, is there something that they love? A particular item, an animal, are they deeply moved by animals? Do they seem to show empathy toward a fish, but you feel that they do not for you? Or do they show more affection toward their books, computers, and sock monkeys? Ok, I was using myself there a little bit.

When you start looking at how emotions are expressed and where it is directed you could find some very helpful answers and ways to help your relationship.

I am only speculating and using my personal experience with my son who is autistic. When I changed my perspective and expectations, I quickly saw how he expressed his love and empathy. The confusion that swims around Aspergers lacking empathy is frustrating some days. A narcissist lacks empathy.

They are unable or unwilling to empathize with another person.

However, the narcissist is able to mask, pretend, adopt, and mirror in such uncanny ways that many times they seem to be the most empathetic person around. Aspergers can and do empathize, but it is not mirrored in the way that people have become expectant of. Our empathy can be the form of a question, taking care of a physical need, getting you food or water, it could even manifest in the form of cleaning. While you are sitting on the couch sobbing, my mom may get up and start sweeping your floor or doing the dishes for you.

That is how she shows empathy and her love.

She will make sure you are taken care of with Kleenex, water, or food, but she may not ask you anything about why you are crying. In her mind, she feels that you will tell her if you feel the need to talk about it. She is taking care of things that she knows are the last thing you want to think about. She will never say a word. She will not bring any attention to herself and she would prefer no one to say anything to her. A narcissist will tell you every single detail of what they did for you and expect a big grand THANK YOU as you sat sobbing on the couch.

Lack of Empathy: The Most Telling Narcissistic Trait

“Narcissists do not consider the pain they inflict on others; nor do they give any credence to others’ perceptions,” says Dr. Les Carter in the book Enough of You, Let’s Talk About Me (p. 9). “They simply do not care about thoughts and feelings that conflict with their own.” Do not expect them to listen, validate, understand, or support you.”

Any perceived nuisance from the narcissist is deemed as something that takes away from his/her plans. Unless they can twist the situation to make themselves look like a hero or they are trying to win over (conquer) their “idealized love” they will become annoyed or they will not even notice the person suffering in emotional or physical pain.

They will downplay the other persons emotional or physical hurt.

Aspergers people tend to be highly sensitive to these types of things. It can be subconscious where we only feel something, but have no idea why. Our heighten sensitivities cause us to shut down and look as though we do not care, are being selfish, lack empathy, or are indifferent. We may say things matter-of-factually that could be perceived as insensitive or lacking emotional support. We may be confused by the social situation which could cause us to say things that seem hurtful. We may not notice things because we are stuck on the details.

We also may not know how to respond which can cause us anxiety and fear of saying/doing the wrong things.

Many of us have been “socially corrected” so often that we have anxieties about hurting others. This can cause us to stay quiet or even walk away because it is much better not to hurt anyone than, to say or do something that would cause a person more pain. I wanted to establish that we do not lack empathy because I believe that may play a role in idealized love. Lack of empathy makes it easier to objectify others and situations. With idealized love, the person becomes an object. They are a fabricated fantasy of what the person desires. There is no way that anyone could ever achieve this status. Many of us desire that “ideal” love, but we are also aware that it is not reality.

How do we know that?

We observe human nature. All of us long for something that could fill our deepest of desires, but we also know that in reality it is unlikely that we would find the perfect anything. As an Aspergers person, I can share my experience with this.

I have a very vivid imagination.

There have been times in my life when I have been frightened that I could not tell the difference between my imagination and my reality. In the last year, looking over the times when this happened the commonality was that I was in highly traumatic situations or being heavily influenced by other people that caused me to doubt myself so much that it seemed to be my way of coping. I have also discovered that this is considered “normal.”

Have I idealized love?

Yes, but it was the idea of being loved. I have longed for mutual love, a partnership, a companion, a caring peer that understood me and accepted me. This could be a friend or a significant other. In my relationships, it seemed that I would become consumed into the other persons world, which seems much like narcissistic behavior, but I had no idea it happened. The initial thing that happened was that they adopted my world first then, at some point it switched.

I did not want to become someone else.

I would become absorbed into their ideals. I would lose my moral values and not even be aware of it. It would manifest in a complete loss of self. I have done this with all sorts of relationships. I believe it is because I had no understanding of boundaries or self-worth. A narcissist uses these tactics to mold, create, morph, and control the person they have idealized. I think for many Aspergers people when/if we become absorbed with a person it is because we want to get to know them – never to manipulate or control them.

After reading some of the ways that narcissists behave in order to win over their ideal love mate it is very clear that Aspergers are not the same.

At least, from what I have read and researched. Of course, it is not exhaustive so this is a little generalized. Basically, we all know that every individual is different and on their own spectrum of humanness. I cannot get this post out the way I want to either. Instead, I will stop now in hopes that I have made some good points here and add some resources. The main thing to remember, is that Aspergers people are not usually trying to treat you poorly. Our affections, attentions, and empathy may look different, but we are not out to try to hurt others.

We are not the ones who spend time planning and plotting manipulative ways.

It is rather difficult to be that cunning when you do not know how to read body language, social cues, whether or not someone likes you, are struggling with your sensory processing, and it takes all of your efforts just to get your name to come out of your mouth! Narcissists are charismatic, (not that Aspsergers cannot be) they use their charm to fool and trick. Aspergers can be spending much of our time trying to remember what to say next, or searching our brains for something to talk about. We are not usually harmful, abusive stalkers, in many cases we are the ones who have been stalked. This can contribute to a longing and yearning for an ideal love with friendship, or a partner. It could possibly be the image of the parents we wished we had, but I believe that many of us understand that we are seeking the love and acceptance that we have not felt throughout our lives.

I did not learn how to love myself, but I did not hate myself either.

I have been in a type of void limbo about this. I thought I should not like myself based on how others treated me, but I have to admit I have and do like myself. When I (did have) do have my time alone I always enjoy myself and much of the time I have more fun than when I am with people. Well, it depends on the people. I have babbled enough, I suppose …

The first link has point blank questions to ask when in a relationship of any kind.

Use them as a guide especially, if you feel that Aspergers people are anything like narcissists or abusers. If there seems to be red flags for you then talk to someone! Please do not blame Aspergers for every issue that seems selfish or lacking empathy. If your partner has a meltdown because things are not where they “belong” or the schedule gets changed, try to see it from their perspective. I know that it can be challenging and not make sense to those who see it as trivial, but there are reasons. Remember every person is different and all of us have expectations that need to be evaluated.

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date (A list of questions to ask yourself.)

Philosophy of Love: An Overview

Narcissistic Love versus Unconditional Love

Don’t Be Fooled by a Narcissist

What Makes Narcissists Tick

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03/13/13

Wordless Wednesday(?) Sea Monkeys & Such

I cannot be wordless. No matter how hard I try, I must say more than, a picture or two (billion.) I plan to make this post short though. I feel that I need to get something out. I have to force myself to write something because my brain is jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I know what I want to write, but I also know that if I start writing I may end up with another whole series of posts that I do not have time to write about at this time. I am having great revelations for myself. I feel as though my brain has been stuck in a vortex and I clawed myself to clarity that I have not had in a very long time.

Quite honestly, I do not remember when exactly, but I know this feeling.

It is the feeling of major change in my thinking. The difference this time is that I have answers that I did not have times before. I understand the reasons for my quirks and routines. I have a better understanding about my sensory issues and how to handle them better. I know why I eat certain ways and have social anxiety. I understand how others have impacted me and the reasons for much of my confusion over the years.

Although, I do not think some of my social confusion is going to magically disappear.

I have “understood” these things for quite a while, however, they have been poked and made fun of which in turn made me feel as if there was still something wrong with me. The implied negatives made me feel that I still needed to feel badly, embarrassed, or as though I was not equal to others because of them. That is what making jokes about my anxieties, sensory issues, Aspergers does to me.

I have a new understanding about this though.

I am also no longer internalizing such things. This has come with my new clarity as well. It is not funny or kind to make fun of others like that, period. I have clear beneficial answers though and that helps a lot. I have clear beneficial helps. That is all new and I believe will lead me into better thinking patterns and ways to cope. I know that many things will continue throughout my life, such as my anxiety and cycles of depressive thoughts, certain loops, and becoming extremely interested in something until I exhaust all resources and find something else.

I will also still have some of special interests that I have had since I was a child.

Those are parts of me that will not change. They may manifest differently in the coming years, but they are a part of me. Enough about all of that. I will share some pictures of the kid’s special interests lately. Daniel’s has been batteries for a very long time. He has now added screwdrivers into the mix. Ariel’s is dragons and books, but lately she and Joshua have been nonstop on Hero Factory adventures. We have all become rather enthralled with our Sea Monkeys.

I really like them.

I thought I had killed all of them because I apparently overfed them, but at least five survived! It looks like there are a few more – I cannot really tell though they all look alike except for the two big fellas. I find them fascinating to watch. You can find the kids and I leaning on the counter watching our Sea Monkeys swim wildly at any given time of day. The time change has not been the most pleasant of adventures, but I do not feel like talking about any of that. Hmm… Well, my mind is starting to stir; before I start to go into anything else, I will say my goodbyes for today.

Enjoy the Sea Monkey & Hero Factory invasion! Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World – Lyrics

: This guy is smiling at me!

: Those are some of Ariel’s comics that he is standing on. :-)

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03/10/13

Double, Double Toil and Trouble

Macbeth, anyone? Many people seem to know the line “Double, double toil and trouble,” but I have wondered how many actually know what it means. It sounds rather forthright, double your struggles, exhaust yourself to get something done not in a positive way so to speak, but more like draining yourself of all energy to the point of it being burdensome. Then, we have trouble, stir it up by double let’s keep churning and spinning to the point that we become mentally agitated, emotionally, spiritually drained, mess our minds into confusion, chaos, etc …

It can take the slightest of subtly to coax us into some thought or idea.

The three witches from Macbeth did just that, “While the witches do not tell Macbeth directly to kill King Duncan, they use a subtle form of temptation when they tell Macbeth that he is destined to be king. By placing this thought in his mind, they effectively guide him on the path to his own destruction. This follows the pattern of temptation used at the time of Shakespeare. First, they argued, a thought is put in a man’s mind, then the person may either indulge in the thought or reject it. Macbeth indulges in it, while Banquo rejects.^[23]“

Side note: I read this and found it interesting The Relationship Between Macbeth and the Witches.

I am not going to go into all of the Shakespearean prose and prods. I simply found something intriguing about the words, “Double, double toil and trouble.” They have been flashing through my head for a couple of days and I am unsure as to why. When something like this happens, I go into a research mode.

I am trying to figure out what my brain is trying to tell me.

As I went on my adventures, I did recall many of the subtleties in Shakespeare’s brilliance through his writings. His cleverness and insight on human behavior, is a great tool for this Aspergers girl. (Lady? Woman? I suppose, I will be 40 years-old later this month. AND did I mention I am very excited about that? I am serious, I love getting older.)

I know, I know I get sidetracked so easily.

As I was reading, what popped out at me was how the witches gave predictions. They were clever, knew how to instantly read people, and knew how to “play” Macbeth. It made even easier for Lady Macbeth to use her subtleties as well in hopes of fulfilling her ambitions. (It did not really help her though …)

It struck me with a new understanding of how subtle comments can persuade a person. (ME!)

It is not always a bad thing, but if you have a manipulator using these tactics on you, at some point you will become a shell of a human being. As I thought about the old hags and about Shakespeare’s others plays and prose, it made me wonder what happens to Autistic people when these subtle words, ideas, emotions, and various persuasive means attack our subconscious. It made me think about how people in general can be easily persuaded and that many times they can be led into ideas based on their insecurities, ambitions, or as a form of escapism.

There are all kinds of reasons why people become persuaded into something.

“Though the witches do not deliberately tell Macbeth to kill King Duncan, they use a subtle form of temptation when they inform Macbeth that he is destined to be king. By placing this thought in his mind, they effectively guide him on the path to his own destruction.” Three Witches

The witches never deliberately said anything.

They did not have to Macbeth was an easy target. For him it was ambition, but he was still manipulated by his wife so that tells you something of his character already. As I think about myself, I see how easily I have been molded and persuaded by such characters as the witches and Lady Macbeth.

Manipulators like that can pick out your weakness on the spot.

They can take your vulnerabilities and apply strategies within seconds to get you to do what they want. I have have been an easy target for them. Though on an intellectual level I understood that there were people like that, it never manifested into a reality until my research in the last few years.

It has been both painful and comforting to know that I am not at fault for everything that has happened to me.

It has also, made me aware that it never occurred to me that people would ever do that to me. They know how to plant subtle thoughts into your mind by reading your vulnerabilities. Myself, I had been bullied throughout elementary school and I was confused about my relationships with my parents while growing up.

Such things as feeling like a burden or bothersome for asking for my basic needs.

It put on an invisible burden while, I was a young child. I had many confusing situations with my dad. I felt as though my existence was a burden to my family and because of my bullies, to the world. It is no surprise that my first boyfriend was a predator and abusive.

He groomed me to feel unworthy even more so.

Each relationship thereafter, contributed to these unworthy feelings in myself and they felt confirmed with each lie, each cheating incident, each criticism, each time my emotions were invalidated, or I was made to feel as though I was crazy, overreacting, or a drama queen. Year after year, of being directly told how worthless I was or indirectly only confirmed these things to a greater extent.

It did not truly occur to me that they were abusive and manipulating me.

It did not occur to me that they chose me because I was an easy target. It did not occur to me that I was being treated horribly. I did not know any better. This would explain why I never felt acceptable to God. None of my hard work and good deeds meant a thing; I was still in miserable situations being treated as though I had no value. The hard reality that I have to accept is that I have been continually treated like this because I saw no value in myself.

I already had a negative self-image.

This caused any subtle negatives to seeps into my brain and make me doubt. I believe this (self-doubt) has been heightened many times because of my social confusions and anxieties. However, what intensified it always, was when I had become isolated. I am not one to isolate myself for long periods.

If I do, something is wrong.

My mom has known this and she has been the one to voice on many occasions, “You need to be around people. You always have. You do not need it all the time, and it cannot be too much, but you have to be social or you get depressed.”

Before, I normally had at least one friend who built into me.

Except for the times I have been persuaded to move to another state completely away from everyone, that has happened twice both times I became seriously depressed and was isolated. My memory has been so distorted and confused for such a long time that I forgot about some of the people who did care about me. I did not have very many balanced friendships, but throughout the years, I did have had a couple. I know what it is like. I have not been able to pull positive memories like I used to so it has felt otherwise. I have been creating my self-destructive prophesies.

I do understand where I need to change this way of thinking.

I need to be able to discern negative subtleties and not accept them any longer. Either from past voices or current ones. It has to come from deep within my soul though. I have to understand that I have value. I mean, I do know this. I do respect myself. I used to respect myself a lot more, when I was not so confused and not so full of self-doubt.

I am gaining a lot of perspective by watching and reading about narcissists.

It has helped me see the patterns of relationships that I have had, and it has stripped off some of the shame and guilt of feeling as if I should have known better. I actually, feel good about the fact that I had no idea there are people who are really like this.

It upsets me that I have to see it now because I like my beautiful world, but I also cannot be so naïve.

I think that I have managed to give myself a clear visual, and trigger words (Double, double toil and trouble, dun dun dun dun Shakespeare to save the day!) to help me when I get that “gut” feeling that negative subtleties are being planted in my head. Yet, again, I have written another thing that has so many things wrapped up into it that it would take another round of posts to get it out.

Instead, I will share the things that I read and some videos that I watched that helped open my eyes even more.

I could not find any information on how negative ”subtleties,” affect an autistic person. I did find information about NPL( Neuro-linguistic programming) and some people think that it can be a positive thing for us. The only thing I found was written from an autistic’s perspective in their attempts to use NLP. How I Learned to be (nearly) Human Here is the rest of the posts she wrote too on the subject Laura Nagle.

What if NLP is used ON you without your knowledge as an autistic person?

It can be used for good or bad, some parents use it to help their autistic child – I just do not know how I feel about all of that. I did read this from a father’s perspective who used NLP on his autistic (and non-autistic) child NLP And Autism. Again, there is a difference when a person who is well-trained in these techniques uses it to manipulate and control others and a parent who is trying to help their child in a way that they feel is best. I have no definitive opinion at this point on the topic. Unless, they are trying to manipulate in a way that is harmful to the child. Oh, it seems I have become a bit rambly and possibly too off topic I do not know.

I will share my adventures and be off. (Yeppers! I’ve been at it again. They all connect in my mind. Hee hee)

The Dangers of Loneliness

Why Loneliness Can Be Deadly by Katharine Gammon, LiveScience Contributor

How to Detect Subtleties in a Relationship

Repair Your Reality After Gaslighting

neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) (Skeptic’s Dictionary)

Psychological Manipulation

Manipulation Techniques

Narcissism or Psychopathy – Differences.

Here are a load of videos that helped me.

This first one does have some graphic images that took me by surprise so be warned it shows an image of violence though in black-and-white, it still shook me a little. It may not be that bad – it could be a trigger for me. I also discovered that Sam Vaknin is a narcissist himself. He is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited. I find that interesting that he is a “self-aware” narcissist. It makes sense why he understands the mind of those with NPR.

narcissists – full documentary (It talks about the traits and the differences between those who have various traits compared to a full on Psychopath who has all nine traits.)

Spot a Narcissist or a Psychopath on Your First Date (Oh, boy I wish I would have had this starting from age 13!)

Effects of Abuse on Victims and Survivors

Abuse in Relationships: gaslighting (ambient), overt, covert, by proxy

Psychology of Victim of Torture and Abuse

The Narcissist Woman

Oh, here is his youtube page, you can watch what you feel like.

Abuse in Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths

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