05/8/13

Shutdown!

This week has proven to be a great challenge for me. I am still at a loss of words. I can barely speak to those in my “real” life. It takes all effort to try to pull words together to make any sort of communication. I continue to apologize and say, “I am sorry, I have no words.” I am struggling even now to pull the letters together in my brain to form words, creating sentences. I find it difficult to get them flowing from my fingertips onto the keyboard. However, it is much easier than trying to get the words out of my mouth.

It is not happening without great effort.

I found myself staring at my computer screen this morning unable to pull myself out of that state. I heard all that was going on around me, but I could not move. I stared with jumbled words and sadness. I have several reasons for this happening to me, but I am unable to articulate it. This starting happening last week when I was faced with several social issues that sank me into near anxiety attacks. I was able to work through them fairly well. Then, came an emotional rush of feeling disconnected from people. I felt lost and without friends or anyone to turn to many times it is that way. I have no one that I can share with about what is happening in my life.

I have no one to confide in about the challenges that I am facing.

I can to a certain point on my blog and with some friends when they are not in their own state of shutdown or consumed with daily life. I also, do not want to “bother” anyone with my “problems.” I have my personal struggles that I am dealing with and the feeling of loss, but I cannot explain what I feel loss about. Possibly my grandiose imaginations, which happen to be the things that give me hope on a regular basis. Once I feel that I have lost them too, I feel hopeless. I feel as though I will “never” get out of my situation. I will “never” be able to follow through on my plans and goals.

At those times, even my special interests fail me.

I know that this will pass. It always does. I do know that much of this has to do with having no time alone. I have not been able to get away and do anything for myself by myself. Last Friday, I had to spend my time running errands. I have spent much of my time trying to help Daniel because he is having a very challenging week. I believe he is adjusting to his new glasses, though it is a very good thing and he is happy, they are still a new adjustment. I have had to cancel some of his sessions for therapy and was thankful that this week he did not have live lessons with his teachers because I am sure I would have canceled them.

It is does not help that he is behind on his lessons and they have to be done by May 21st.

The stress of all the phone calls with teachers and talking to therapists has worn me out. He has been going through some sort of transition as well where the things that used to help him no longer help. He is beginning to reject all of my efforts to help him. He is getting even more upset at me when I try to help him. It causes me to shutdown because I do not know what to do; it triggers me to go into research mode. However, I have to gear my focus on finding strategies and researching ways to help Joshua. He needs my help too with ways to cope and to find ways to make reading and handwriting less stressful for him. Ariel needs me and I am seeing more and more each day how all of them need more emotional support.

I am fighting off the words, “I am a failure.”

Yesterday, after yet another moment of the school day not going in a positive direction, the tears came rushing out. I was so overwhelmed with so many things. I was struggling with my personal issues that I couldn’t (cannot) share with anyone and I just-needed-a-good-day! By evening, I felt catatonic, much like this morning. (“appearing to be in a daze or stupor; unresponsive“) I had enough in me to respond and take care of my children, but that took everything out of me. I am very good had hiding these things from my children. However, I have no doubt that they feel it and that could explain why Ariel sat next to me cuddling with me last night. She does not cuddle all that often.

I suppose I am finding some words at the moment.

It has occurred to me that I am under a great deal of stress. I am still processing many things that the boy’s teachers have said to me. I am not able to write everything out in regards to school at this time. I need to get them through the next two weeks. Mainly, Daniel since he is behind on his lessons. My mom is coming on Saturday AND I am excited about that! However, it also means that I need to keep the kids focused on school while she is in town. I am looking forward to hanging out with her and doing some fun things. I am going to see if she and my grandma want to go to lunch for Mother’s Day or something.

Big fat sigh…

I think that is all I can get out of my head now. My brain still feels all clustered and clogged, but a little better. Quite honestly, I think the problem is that I have not had any downtime. I feel stretched very thin. I am being pulled in too many directions and not having any time to gather my pieces back into a whole. I am going to take the kids outside, get a little sun on my face, and see about getting out of the house for a little bit tonight. Maybe I just need to drive around town with my music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs for a while. I will be the coolest mom in a minivan EVER! That’s all I got folks, I feel my words fading quickly.

Picture (of random and odd potatoes and my paintings) time!

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01/31/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” II

I feel that I need to explain this before I go any further with these posts. I am writing this out because in the last two weeks I have had a series of social situations that set off intense panic leading me into confusion and left me feeling as though I would never be safe in this world – even virtually.

Well, that is a fact.

I am never safe in this world and I need to deal with it. I put myself out there on the internet in desperation of finding people to connect with. My desire was to find people who could understand me or help me make sense of this life that I have had. The good news is that I have. Unfortunately, for me I do not “fit in” to any group. However, I do! I fit into very many groups, but I cannot be categorized.

Because of this, it has given me years of anxiety-ridden fears.

I thought I wanted to fit into a group. I did not want to lose myself in the group; it was that I wanted to feel as though I finally belonged. In many ways I have and that is good. I have also discovered that no matter where you go seeking refuge, at some point it can erupt into chaos and division. No matter how much you long for solace and comfort. Human nature?

We are always seeking to connect, but only if certain expectations and demands are met.

I have watched groups throughout my life. I sat back observing, I believe this is another reason for my heighten anxieties with being social. It fed into my fears at attempting to be social. I recently, started putting myself out there with caution, I am glad I was cautious. It affects me very much when I see people get hurt and it does not matter what my feelings are regarding the situation. I see each side. If it feels aggressive, the words start to spew out hurt and fear, or I feel as though what once felt was neutral has now become unpredictable it causes me to be physically ill.

I want to fix it and smooth it over, but I cannot.

This is how we all learn and grow. This is how we change. People change us. Hurtful and damaging words can make us cower, erupt us into rage, or possibly we can learn something more about empathy. In the past, I would have run in fear and shutdown. I am not this time. Instead, I am breaking social. I will continue to produce what I can and work through what confusion and fears I have. I understand that I have no group or family unit, but I do have several people that I consider safe. I cannot seek acceptance, validation, comfort, or understanding from anyone, though it is a wonderful feeling when it happens.

I do have my mom and grandma, but they are limited in abilities to support me.

Plus my mom is an Aspie and I believe my grandma is too. They both need their own space and time. I accept that being social terrifies me at times. I accept that people are always going to hurt one another. There will be those who will gradually change and those who will never change. I chose to be a person who is going to change. I am not going to keep this hindrance latched onto me any longer. I am afraid of people because they are so unpredictable. I accept that I can do nothing about it.

I will share some specific social stigmas that I have dealt with.

I know that they have been contributors to my social anxieties. One is because of my feelings of inadequacy in relationships. More specifically intimacy. I am not only referring to sexual, but the intimacy that friends and family share. I have felt shameful and guilty because I seem to lack the ability to have closeness and connection.

It’s not true, I am capable of closeness and connection.

I have only experienced this a few times in my life. It has made me feel anxious because it is yet another thing that I do not understand, or seem to share in the same way as with my peers – others in general. It is different for me. Intimacy with an individual is like searing my soul to them. I do not mean to it just happens. I do not want to, my brain seems to make strong connections that are hard to sever.

It causes anxiety because no matter how much research I do I cannot find the formula.

I cannot figure out what it is about a person or about me that explains why I become attached. It is unpredictable and makes me cautious with people. It is not that I do not want to, it is that it costs me so much when it happens. To date, the track record ends up with me feeling rejected and hurt.

I was unaware that this was triggering so much anxiety.

I will not go into this next one a great deal, but the stigma and ignorance wrapped around Autism has also given me a new set of anxieties for my son and myself. This started the second I tried to share with people about Daniel’s diagnosis. I have been hurt by more people regarding Autism than, I have with bullies, being abused, or feeling the rejection of my family.

There is no pain that can describe when I feel as though my son is being rejected for who he is.

I was also unaware that because I have been divorced more than once I feel social anxiety/stress. I have had negative words spoken to me for a lifetime about divorce. I felt attacked in church over divorce. I was verbally by one of the deacon’s wives. I accepted that I was a failure, but there was nothing I could do. Nobody talked to me about it. Even now if I mention it to people there is unspoken vibes that feel condemning. Much of these feelings could be from the social groups that I was in. It always (which is not true) feels like all people think this of me.

It is not all of course, but anxiety does not differentiate.

If one person said it, EVERYONE thinks it! I grew up with my mom being a single parent. I felt condemned at the school I went to because of my home life. It was still a small town when I was growing up. Divorce only happened in the “big cities.” The teachers did treat me different. The kids treated me different. I had no value to them. There was no hope for me because of my upbringing. The stigma I saw around my mom, latched onto me and formed into a faulty belief about myself. My mom was “antisocial.”

She did to go to my parent-teacher conferences.

She had to work. She knew nothing about my schools, teachers, or friends. I cannot remember my dad asking me anything about school. I thought this was how every parent was. When I discovered that, most parents were not my anxiety levels skyrocketed with my peers. I think I was around nine or ten when it really started to affect me. Although, I know that I suffered from anxiety and depression as early as five years-old. I was already socially awkward, I had my home life going against me, I had a birthmark that was the focus of ridicule and mockery, I seemed odd, and I was very quirky.

I managed to get through life.

I will say, not well. Here I have been writing post after post about this stuff for several years now. Clearly, I was only surviving… I still managed to do well throughout my life. I was still able to get in front of people and talk, dance, or act. I could get up and minster and pray for people. I was in management positions and did well. (for periods of time) I learned to hold in my anxieties until I go home. So several years ago when I started to look into social media, I thought I would do great. I thought it was until I encountered much more confusion than, enjoyment. I will be the first to admit I did not understand it.

I thought I understood.

It has been a hard lesson for me. I am learning and I am feeling much more comfortable – cautious, but more comfortable. I have been confused as to how others have been able to transition so well into social media. I realized that many of them are in control of their own sources. They have become protective, direct about what they will tolerate and not tolerate. OH! They set boundaries. I am still learning boundaries. That is another reason why I have been bombarded with anxieties.

I am still learning my boundaries because I am still learning about my own identity.

This leads me into why the labels and stigmas around relationships have caused me a great deal of social anxiety. I do not fit into the “norm” of relationships. Being social is all about relationships – even virtually. Yet, I do not want a relationship with people in the ways that they seek. I do like having friends; I am deeply committed to my relationships. I do however, need my space. It can seem very selfish of me. It is not. It takes a lot more energy to shift my mental state from what I am doing into social interactions. On some days, I have no problems, it is when I feel like things are off that I go quiet.

This could be virtually or in the physical.

Since I have not been a “normal” friend, I have lost people in my life. Sometimes they have been extremely cruel, other times they quietly disappeared. I am not sure which is worse for me. There are many times that I would rather someone go off and tell me what they feel rather than, never tell me. I hate, no it is more like I despair when someone does that to me. It is torturous because it is like a void that is never explained and my mind always loops on it. That is why I have had so many issues with my family. They do not tell me why they ignore me or seem to be unaware of my existence. They know I am there, but it feels so purposeful for them to not respond to me. I would prefer them to tell me – it would allow me to stop looping.

It is not going to happen so I will learn to stop it myself.

I cannot be the sister, daughter, niece, aunt, cousin; they would prefer me to be. I simply am unable to mix into their fold. See that needs to be said, with clarity so I can break into social. Once I accept that others will not meet my expectations and I will not meet theirs, I do not find being social so scary. I will always fail in certain people’s eyes because they expect me to participate in their world. I am incapable of understanding their world. I can understand to some extinct, but come on I have been researching and dissecting this stuff for over three years non-stop. I do not get it. AND I will not play. So I shrug my shoulders, and say, what do I understand?

I understand a great deal more about myself, that’s for sure.

~~~~~~~~

For fun, one of my top 10 videos in the subcategory of TED Ed.

Other resources.

Boundaries: It’s Time to Say No When You Need To (For me it is crucial that I learn and set boundaries in order to have healthy relationships and to help moderate my social anxieties.)

Self Awareness And The Difficulties of Being Different (These posts are part of the process of my own self-awareness. So I thought this would be good to read again.)

The end coming… Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” III

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11/6/12

Birthday Party! Part Two

Continued from Birthday Party! Part One…

I had a lingering fear about why my dad and step mom came to the birthday party.

There was a mix up with my emails so I did not get them about him coming. During the time that he let me know, he was coming through text message I started to feel guilt. I thought that possibly they were coming because they thought I was upset because I did not answer his emails. They initially said they could not come because my step mom was to be in children’s class at church that Sunday and dad did not think he could get anyone to cover for him on the worship team. I emailed and said that it was unfortunate that they could not come, but I did add that I had mentioned it a couple of weeks earlier. I mentioned it in hopes that they could prepare and come, but I also knew that it may not be possible.

This made me wonder if they thought I said that because I was upset or something.

I quickly dismissed it and went on until, the day of the party and I said to my step mom, “I am so glad you guys could make it.” I could not read the look she gave and I did not understand her tone or body language at all. I do get confused by her many times, but I do not normally feel what I was feeling on Sunday. I cannot tell you what it was – it was only a feeling. I have no other reason to believe that they were upset with me. I do often get confused by their words and actions, many times I brush it off as it being my anxiety or inability to understand social situations. Anyway that situation was looming in my brain. Later, I shared about the services that Daniel will be getting through school and my step mom, asked, “How is virtual social skills going to help him?” The tone was not pleasant. I was taken aback because of her being “off” the whole day and I could not tell if she was angry with me or not. I point blank told her how it would work and explained that he will be able to focus solely on his social skills because he will not have “all of this.”

I swooped my arms around the entire room and all of the people.

At this point, Daniel was in the other room by himself trying to shut down all of the sensory, social, and emotional stimulation that was going on. I tried to explain it and I said, “People on the spectrum can actually thrive on online communities.” I knew I could not tell them about my diagnosis and I felt kind of angry and alone because I cannot share this with them. Though, the more I think about it I may just plaster it on my personal facebook page and let them do with it whatever they please. I need to accept myself and I cannot fully if I fear what my family will think. I am mainly afraid that they will reject me, not believe me, or try to negate my diagnosis. Not feeling able to share with them caused another whole component of stress. Then, came my questions about why my aunt and sister would go to a martial arts fighting event thing, I do not know what it is called. I do not understand it. I do not understand why people like fighting contact sports – I do understand that is my issue.

However, I was trying to “relate” to them by asking those questions.

I did not understand why they would go without knowing anyone. It did not make sense to me like going to the movies or going out to dinner to hang out. My aunt said something like, “You just go places AND you make friends.” I sat there shutdown feeling everyone look at me, they were all the same looks that made me remember why I stopped asking these types of questions and started to pretend like I knew what they were talking about. The thought of going somewhere and just starting conversations with people made me feel sick, my uncle looked at me like I was an idiot, (I do not know if he thought that, but that is how it felt.) and he said, “Angel, people go out and do things. That’s what people do.”

I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball.

The time was approaching to leave and I was dreading it because I knew I was too exhausted to go home to Daniel if he went into meltdown mode. I had no filters at this point, I was beaten down and said, “I don’t want to go home.” This launched into a conversation about Daniel’s meltdowns. My step mom made some comments that I commented back because she really has no idea what it is like in our house or our life. I am sure I sounded rude to her – I did not mean to. I was so thankful that my grandma was there. She is my mom’s mom and she has witnessed some of our “moments” in life.

She chimed in and added her two cents.

It felt good to have that support. My step mom also shared about the ONE person they know who has a daughter with Aspergers. I have heard the story several times now and it still does not add up. “She was such a beautiful child, she was in pageants, she talked, she thrived, she was wonderful, then one day she went on stage, looked around, took her shoes off, sat on the stage, and stopped talking for over a year.” I do not know how old the girl was or anything else, so you can see why the story does not add up. There was clearly something going on, however, my dad and step mom have given clear indications that the mother has some things “off” as well so I am not sure what the true nature of her daughter’s diagnosis is or what other factors play into it. Bottom line Daniel does NOT fall under the Aspergers criteria.

Anyway, one autistic person is ONE autistic person.

I do not know if they will ever understand. Until they stop thinking of it as a “thing” that is not “right” or that he will be healed there will never be a real open communication. They will only understand through their perspective. I am not upset it is just a fact of life. I was very happy to see all of them. I enjoyed myself for the most part. It was a very good day overall. However, the second we headed home the conversations started to spin and loop. By the time we got home, I was looping negative thoughts. I felt guilty and did not know why. I felt as if I had done something wrong and did not know why. I started to have words flood my mind about how my family does not love me.

I felt as if they only tolerate me.

I did not understand why my dad and step mom came to the party. Why did they drive almost four hours to come? They have my sister that they could visit and my step mom’s parents so I assumed that was the reason they came. The more I thought about it I started to get overwhelmed with thinking they only came for the party and somehow it was my fault. I felt that somehow I pressured them to come, but I did not do anything. I did not even see the emails! I felt as if everyone thought I was stupid or “acting” as if I did not understand when I asked them about the martial arts fights.

I sat on the couch staring at the TV I have no idea what was on.

The words that were flooding my mind were, “I’m sorry.” The loop went on and on. I continued to think the words I am sorry. I wanted to tell everyone that was there, “I AM SORRY!” but for what? What was I sorry for? What did I do wrong? Why did I feel like I had done something wrong? Why did I feel like I had burdened all of them? I quite honestly do not know. I wish so much that I knew why I did/do this. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I knew how people felt about me. I wish I knew how to know that people care about me. It is such a difficult thing for me. I have kept all of this inside pretty much my whole life. I am trying to change how I handle these thoughts. It is still so painful and hard to believe that anyone in my family would do something for my kids or me because they want to and are not obligated to. I need to learn how to accept that people make their own choices in life for their reasons.

I am only responsible for myself.

All I can do is help my children not take on negative thinking patterns and guide them in positive healthy thinking patterns as I grow and change my own. Thankfully, I have been able to hide much of my negativity that I berate myself with from my kids. I am happy that I am changing the way I think about myself – it is a lot of work though. It is such a hard thing to deal with. I need to learn how not to allow my social misunderstandings, other people’s misunderstanding of my kids and me, and the misunderstandings of words or actions to cause me to attack myself.

David said that I am like a narcissist gone wrong.

When I walk into a room, if there is one thing wrong I automatically think that it is all my fault even if I have no control over it. Instead of walking into a room and thinking, “Now everything is great since I arrived!” I walk in and say, “Now everything is wrong since I arrived.” I do not know why. It goes against my personality. I am a confident person in my abilities and in areas of interest. The other stuff such as social confusion, anxieties, or triggers from my past, cause me to doubt and question everything about me. When I become anxious or confused it seems to strip me of all identity.

I hope writing all of this out will help stop this horrible loop!

I was also thankful for these posts that I read yesterday that helped me through the rough day.

What is Asperger’s Syndrome? – The “Triad of Impairments”

A Mild Form of Autism?

This next link has so many excellent posts that I do not even know where to begin sharing. However, I read this particular post yesterday. Though it is geared toward marriage with an Aspie and NT my thoughts went into applying it to all of my relationships. I wish I could get others to understand so much of what she shares in this post.

LESSONS FROM AN ASPERGERS-NT MARRIAGE (PART 3)

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11/5/12

Birthday Party! Part One

Yesterday we celebrated Daniel and Ariel’s birthday. I will share about the party first and then, some other things that may give people insight who do not understand what it can be like for some families with autism. As well as my perspective as an adult on the spectrum. It is in two parts because I ended up writing too much. The party went great. The kids had so much fun and were delighted to have more than a few people at their party. They loved their cakes, which makes me sooo happy because it took some great efforts to make them. They got fabulous gifts and we had fun hanging out with family. We were there for about an hour and a half when Daniel came up to me and said, “I want to go now.”

This was awesome!

Last week when we had gone over there for Halloween, we stayed too long for him, but he did not tell me that until we got home. (After, an hour or two of meltdown mode the next day.) I told him that next time instead of waiting, to try to tell me ahead of time before he gets overloaded when we are somewhere. Daniel is so good at hiding if he is feeling overloaded or stressed that it is difficult to tell sometimes. I told him that when he starts to feel like it is too much to tell me that he wants to leave and we will. It was great to hear him use his words and gauge for himself when he had, had enough. Ariel and Joshua were not ready to go though. I asked Daniel if we could stay about 20 minutes because they were playing. He said, “Yes, because I want to play too.” He came back with five minutes left and said he wanted to go.

That was our cue we started to pack up and we left.

Ariel and Joshua were ready too, but they did not know it, yet. When they got into the car heading home, they realized that they too needed to go home and recover. This was such a huge thing for Daniel – I think it made a difference in how the evening went as well. He was happy the rest of the night. He was elated to get his Pillow Pet Sea Turtle and his Hexbug Warriors. They kept him occupied the rest of the evening. He even attempted to go to bed on his own with his new pillow friend. However, he was unable to stay in there. I am not sure what it is, but for months now, he has refused to go to bed without me.

I do not know if it is separation anxiety or what. He says he sees “bad images” in his head.

When I ask him about the images he says, “I don’t know.” I am not pressing it with everything he has gone through this past month. Ariel and Joshua had a couple of their “releases,” but recovered and off to bed they went after all of that. I had my own meltdown shortly after we got home. It consisted of a shutdown on the couch and tears. I am surprised it was so calm. The morning was full of off and on meltdowns from Daniel, while I was trying to make the cakes. Out of stress and anxiety I did lose my temper once. I yelled at him. I hate it when I lose my temper. Hate it! His other Hexbug Warrior batteries “shaking” triggered him.

I could not investigate what was going on I was covered in fondant and cake.

Which, let me just say I despise marshmallow goo and powder sugar on me! Even though I love to bake. Marshmallow can be something like kryptonite. Blah! By this time, David was gone because after one round of meltdowns, I was flustered and put chili powder in the cherry compote. I had to send him out to get more cherries and cinnamon, we also realized that we should purchase lunch stuff for everyone since the party was right in the middle of lunchtime. At some point during making the cakes, I started to panic and freak out over what they looked like. I started to have a panic attack because I became incredibly afraid of being criticized by anyone in my family. I started hearing past comments run through my head. I started to see every single flaw on the cakes, I started to hyperventilate, and the tears almost came. I managed to use breathing techniques and changed my thoughts directing them toward how the kids would feel about their cakes. I asked them to look at them and let me know if they liked them.

They loved AND that was all that mattered.

I will try to make this long story short, at 11:15 am I had finally finished the cakes, had Joshua and Ariel ready, my aunt texted to ask me a couple of questions, and David and Daniel were on the floor trying to fix the Hexbugs. He was in another meltdown mode. It was then; I finally realized that he was anxious about having the party at my aunt’s house. I sat on the floor and explained to him in detail the what, when, where, how, and why’s of the whole thing.

His Hexbug was fixed; he was calm and able to get ready.

We were supposed to be there at 11:30 am. I tried to stay calm, but my insides were a mess. I managed to get ready in about 20 minutes. We got there and passed my grandma who was calling me because she could not find the house. She was right by it, but could not see it. I had to go out in the street and track her down she kept driving back and forth without seeing me. :-/ Several social things caused me to be overwhelmed and want to run home. I will share them in the next post. In this one, I will stop and share some fabulous pictures.

I will hop on the thankful train this month and say, I am thankful that my kids had a great birthday party!

Tomorrow, Birthday Party! Part Two…

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08/26/11

Lessons Through Whatever

The funny thing about working through emotional issues is that life still goes on. We still have to do school, go to work, go to the store, go out to social events and continue as if your insides are not all in a knot. The brain still has to function properly, despite dealing with past baggage or current events. I find that so interesting about the brain, the ability to cope. Last week sometime when I was dealing with some of these emotions that I didn’t quite understand, I felt like my insides were just spilling out and I had no way to gather them up and get myself back to a workable state. I tend to laugh at myself when I feel this way because I know that many times my emotions can be exaggerations triggered from sensory or confusion.

The other morning something happened that made me laugh.

I was overwhelmed with confusion about not understanding why I felt such pain in my heart, I pulled myself together and got up to make breakfast. As I walked to the kitchen I looked down and Daniel had laid out four letters from his Word Whammer toy, C-O-P-E. I laughed so hard, I do not think that Daniel knows this word or at least the meaning of the word, but he could. I found it amusing that it was the word I needed to get over that hump of trying to figure “it” out and later as I finished stories and posts that I had been writing for a while, things seemed to come together in my thinking.

I knew that I had to be ok by Sunday, because it was my nephew’s birthday party.

I wanted very much for the kids to go to their cousin’s birthday party, they had not experienced a party like that. Plus it was his first birthday! Yea! Birthday! I knew that the kids were going to be overloaded for days and that I would be too. I prepared as much as possible, but I also knew that I had to get out of a vulnerable state emotionally if I was going because the sensory and social would be too much for me. My sisters go all out, they like big social events with grand everything. I like that about them in a way because I do have fun and the kids get to experience things that ordinarily they would not. For my sisters though over-the-top is an everyday occurrence so we have to participate in small doses. They did offer for us to come before everyone else came so we could not be so overloaded that was a great thing for them to think of us.

It was a big lesson/test for me.

I never know how my sisters are going to treat me, one second they love me the next I am being badgered and mocked about something. However, I am clueless to what is happening, I feel something is wrong, but do not know what is happening until later. This day just felt nice, it was pleasant and I felt comfortable walking in. I got my little nephew the second we walked in. I like their house, but it felt rather closed in with the decorations and made me feel like I was in a box. I occupied myself with the kids so I was happy. The more people that came though the more I was getting overloaded. They had a bouncy house in the backyard so we took the kids out there and they jumped for a while it was helpful for them. I jumped too, it was helpful for me as well.

I felt comfortable being myself.

Actually, I didn’t really think about it, like when I hid my water bottle in their cabinet for drinking glasses. I didn’t want anyone to touch it, breathe on it, look at it, or confuse it for theirs, so I put it in there for safe keeping. I do not like holding water bottles. I was able to be a comic relief with that move, the kitchen got crowded with people and I ended up having to ask my sister for my water bottle that was in the cabinet. She gave me one of her “You are so crazy looks” and laughed. I hide things in strange places and always have, but as you can see I have a perfectly good logical reason. Right?

The kids were happy and having fun, but they were going into sensory overload.

We managed to stay for about two hours. It is a 30 minute drive there so we had to think of that as well. Plus it was hot, very hot! They had not even opened the presents or done the cake or anything and it was already 4:30pm, our guys were not going to make it. I was not going to make it. I was already disconnected. At one point my sister said something about being angry and I was surprised and asked “What did we do?” she told me that she wasn’t mad at me, but if I wanted to be part of the group that she was upset with fine, she would be mad at me too. From that point I was confused and my sisters began their banter on me, I could not hear what they were saying because what I was hearing all sounded like buzzing bees in my ears and I could not make out their words.

I looked clueless.

This is why people have thought of me as being dingy or stupid because I am trying very hard to understand what they are saying, but I just can’t. It is all fuzzy and hurts my head and I stare blankly. I was overloaded by sight, sound, and smell. Their bantering felt different though, it didn’t cause me confusion or make me feel bad. It didn’t seem to feel the same. Later when I talked to my mom she told that they were actually doing their sisterly loving banter. She said: “They were trying to be sisters”. I knew something was different, they were not being mean even though an outsider’s perspective could have deemed it mean. It was a great lesson for me to be able to trust my instincts about people. Now I know when I have that feeling that what someone is doing is wrong, I can trust it. All of my sisters do this bantering/mocking thing with me. I do not understand it, I have been confused by it. However, others who have witnessed it think that it is very mean and attacking at times. Again, I do not need to worry myself with those issues as long as I am not confused. Now I have a clear distinction of “feeling” to clarify for me.

I can begin to trust my feelings about people’s other motives as well.

The short version of the rest of the story, we all had fun, but were seriously overloaded. I ended up sitting on the couch crying and at first began to ask myself why I was being so silly and crying, but then I just went, “Oh, I am overloaded.” I let the tears fall, I was not sad or depressed my body just had too much input on all levels. It didn’t last long and then I felt better, very tired, but better. All of the kids were out of control the rest of the night, shutdowns, meltdowns, non-stop spinning objects and bedtime was not fun. But overall it was fun and worth it. It didn’t help that I gave them each a cupcake because they couldn’t eat the cake, even if we had stayed. It wasn’t gluten-free. Daniel and Joshua are very social and LOVE the ladies. Daniel made his rounds making googly eyes with them and then loving on the ceiling fans. Joshua however, was devoted to Grammy. Ariel sat and observed and then gave a blow by blow of all the goings on at the party after we got home.

On another note, the Bible study has been going well.

I am a bit peopled out, but it was good. I like this group of women. They are real. I was surprised when I shared with them how I had been working through the fear of abandonment and all of them said: “Oh, yes.” or had a reply with explanation about their own fears. I knew it was universal, but it had not become real to me until I saw and heard others with the same fears. I came out of the closet a bit and wasn’t sure how they would feel, I wore my shirt that says: “Dear Math, I love you ∞” (infinity symbol). My mom rolled her eyes at me and laughed, the other women didn’t give me any weird looks or anything. I believe it triggered some conversation about science and math though and I shared with them my thoughts about seeing God through various means like that. They hadn’t thought about God or even math (numbers) in certain ways, if anything I was glad they thought out of the box for a moment. I have a thing about all of the numbers and symbols in the Bible. I know, I know BIG SURPRISE!

In all things I learn lessons.

What I have learned this week is if I am not coping the Universe will force messages through my kid’s toys. When I am overloaded it’s ok to admit it, accept it and let my body respond to it. I really love my sisters and I really appreciate their differences. I am willing to trust people even after being burned a lot in my life. I never lost trust, only buried it for a while. I adore and cherish my kids more than I can express, the love I feel for them is entirely different from what I have been talking about lately. I admittedly have a different way of thinking and feeling about love when it comes to animals and children. Yes, I did just confess that. I have to acknowledge that as part of who I am and not feel guilty for it. I see connections in all things and that is how I feel God speaks to me, how I learn, and how I process. A major thing that I have learned is that love of self is actually quite important. You need to be able to love who you are in order pour out your love to others. An ancient teaching that has only manifested in truth for me recently.

Those are some things I learned this week.

: Crazy presents for a first birthday!

: My sister made this cake, she works in a bakery. Cars!

: My sister’s massive cheese ball collection.

: The real me. :-)

: A 6 appeared in my dirty dish bowl. A sign to do the dishes.

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08/7/10

Girls and Asperger’s

I have recently picked up the book Asperger’s and Girls and it has opened my eyes to this world. I cannot express into words how it makes me feel to read that I am not alone in my thinking, feeling and confusion about this world and people. I read recently that we are an evolved species that has the triggers for inclusion, belonging is a need that is part of our DNA make up. However, from my point of view inclusion does not mean the same thing as what other people may feel. The problem that I have had with “belonging” is that in order to belong one must conform, it is “become one of us or you are one of them” and frankly I cannot not do that. I like my identity and one thing that makes me the most exuberant person in the world is to see other people be their individual self. When I see someone break out of a mold and find them-self that makes me leap for joy.

Back to the book, Asperger’s and Girls.

It was recommended to me about a year ago and I was finally able to get it. I recommend it to any women on the spectrum. The more I find the more I am both comforted and sad at the same time. I am comforted because I am not the only one and sad because I wish I would have known this stuff a long time ago, it may have helped to prevent heart ache and confusion. As I am reading it though I see a lot of Ariel and how she is more like me than I thought. I am taking the information, I am learning it and filing it away for the years as she grows. I already notice how she will internalize things which I do too and that behavior caused me to be self-destructive and cause bodily harm to myself. I am hoping to give her a healthy self-image and the ability to think and stand up for herself. The goal is to let her know that she has a voice and it is important that she speaks it. I feel the same way for the boys but in this culture we live in, they claim that women have a voice but the dominating factor is the “Old White Christian Male” who will acknowledge a women for her beauty and claim that they are respecting her intelligence.

They let the little lady speak for a little bit but then laugh it off with a ‘isn’t that cute” feeling.

I could be wrong but I don’t think so America seems to still have the good ol ‘ boy mentality, at least where we are currently living. This really is just a rant, I will get back to my topic. First A Side Note: I just want to state here that I am not being overly sensitive to Ariel or Joshua, I am in observation mode. I have been observing Daniel for so long that I have not noticed a lot of things that they were doing. Now that I am understanding Daniel more I have been able to focus on some of their issues that I did not notice before. My goal with all of them is to help them be confident in who they are, understand themselves and grow into independent happy people. Ok, now back to the topic.

I have been reading several articles and watched this great clip with Dr. Tony Attwood.

\”Ask Dr. Tony\” on Girls with Aspergers – An Autism Hangout Feature Program

As I watched the video, again it was like watching someone describe my life. There are times when I do not know who I am at all because when I go out it is like my mind pulls up the script that I have learned and I automatically go into it. I find myself talking to someone and in my mind I am thinking “This isn’t me, why am I saying this?” Before I know it I am caught up saying things that I don’t agree with or I am confused by. I know that I have adopted scripts from people all along the way of my life and now the act has become so embedded that I don’t realize that I am doing it. I believe this is the majority of my social anxiety, I am unable to be myself because I don’t really know how to other than in my own home. However, this is not really talking about what I meant to talk about either and because I keep getting side tracked I will just leave with several sites and articles that I have found, that seem to have some good information on them.