There are certain moments when I become so overwhelmed that I start to lose abilities. I will lose my ability to talk, sleep, socialize – I can even forget how to make a recipe that I have known for decades. Those types of things can happen to me.
When I am extremely stressed I can forget names of people.
I am referring to family members names. I am horrible with people’s names in general, but I can normally remember the names of family. I can become confused and miss up everyone names. I can forget my favorite things. Everything becomes jumbled, mixed-up, and I have moments where my mind feels blank. If I try to read it is a mass of letters dancing. If I try to listen to music the lyrics fuse into things my brain cannot articulate.
I forget who my friends are and what family members I can talk to.
I forget time. It is as though my brain shuts down on me and my sensory processing becomes dulled or it becomes hypersensitive. This is saying a lot because my sensory processing functions are already at extremes on most days. Last week I started to feel the creeping dread of serious overwhelmness. I have been feeling for weeks, but last week it was getting bad. (again)
Daniel has had a rough time ever since the beginning of last week.
If I recall correctly, July is always an intense month for him. I am not sure why there could be multiple factors at play. However, he has started a “new thing” that zaps everything out of me. I have been leaving much more lately. Things have started to get better between him and his dad. Their line of communication has opened up quite a bit more because Daniel is able to tell David things and is not so reliant upon me to be the go between.
I am still the main source, but there is progress between the both of them.
It has been a good thing to help Daniel be less dependent upon me, however, he responds in a negative way when I come back home. Whenever, I leave and then, come back he starts arguments with me. He gets angry and will start asking a ton of questions that he knows the answers to, or he will get in my face and repeat himself. He instigates all sorts of things with me, but does not do this to David.
I have tried all sorts of ways to help the situation.
It takes a lot of energy for me though because when I leave that is stressful for me. It is not a fun thing for me to leave the house. I do enjoy going to the Y and doing my workouts, but it has become much more social for me now. Since, I am there every week people are getting to know me and talk to me. I do not mind, but it is social. I need downtime.
My home is supposed to me my safe place.
It feels very lacking in the safety department for me though. I do not have a room of my own, a closet of my own to go hide in, a bathroom to lock; I have no place to recuperate from anyone or anything.
Daniel has refused to go to bed without me once again.
He has not allowed me to stay up by myself in so long that I cannot even remember. He was going to bed on his own for a while, but something happened and he tries to demand that I go to bed with him. I cannot go to bed at eight or 9 pm I will lie in bed wide-awake and get frustrated that I am stuck in bed.
I stay up; I now let him stay up too.
It is not a disciplinary issue it is an anxiety issue. He falls asleep on the couch. I do not know what else to do. It is working for the time being, but him getting angry with me all the time is not. Last night, I had to go to the store he was perfectly happy while I was gone. He did great and was happy when I first came home. Within ten minutes, he started to get upset with me. I was so drained and tired from it going on for so long that I shutdown.
I took a few deep breaths and gathered myself.
I picked him up and hugged him. It was all I could think of to try to help him. As I squeezed him I asked, “Daniel do you get upset with mommy when I come home because you miss me?” He put his head down on my shoulder, and quietly said, “Yes, I think so.” I hugged him a little tighter and said, “Boo, how about instead of you getting angry at me you ask me to spend some time with you?” He said, “I don’t know.”
We were both so exhausted from the day and from that situation that I decide to drop it.
However, I made a new plan that I will try tomorrow night. I normally come home, say my hellos, and try to have a few minutes on the computer for some stimming action. Instead, of doing that I am going to attempt to spend some time with him first. It may make him feel comforted and then, allow me to have the quiet time I need. It takes a lot out of me when I go out and come home, even if I am enjoying myself, I tend to just want to walk in the door and not see anyone. I am much better at this than, my mom was I was not allowed to talk to her for the first ten minutes she walked into the door when she got home. (Still her house rule.)
I understand why she did that I cannot do that do though.
I think it may work and both of us can be happy. (I hope.) I do know that the up in the air “are we going to move or not” thing has all of us on edge. Fireworks from last week triggered anxiety in Daniel and myself, but the fact that we still do not know what we are doing about our living arraignments is a foreboding stressor. Yesterday, we looked at a house to possibly rent. Before we went, it was a chaotic mess.
When we got there the unexpected happened.
The property agent had made it into an open house kind of things, so ALL of these people came into the house while we were there. I almost had a panic attack. It turned out all right, but I was an anxious mess after the whole thing. I had a bad feeling about the house – we will not be living there. We plan to look at two other houses AND those looming adventures are stressing me out. Yesterday, all of the curriculum for the kids arrived…
Four weeks before school starts! Stress!
David’s job is changing again; he will be gone off and on for several weeks in the next few months. I do not mind him being gone, but it is the anticipation of all of this. I want to know where I am going to be living. I want to know if I should be packing. I want to know if I will finally have a room with a closet of my own! I want to be settled and be able to prepare for the school year. I want Daniel to stop getting so upset with me. I have to say here though; Daniel is doing awesome in so many other areas that it helps me stay very positive. Overall, he is very happy and having so much fun this summer, which makes me, do happy dances.
This year is going to much different.
David is going to out of town much more approximately six weeks or more out of the year. This is huge for all of us. Ariel and Daniel are supposed to be doing their state testing’s, they will be involved in activities at the Y, and who knows what else is to come. I cannot even register everything. I am looking forward to this year, but there is a lot of stuff (change!) going on.
So how have I managed all of this so far without having a meltdown?
Two-hour workouts consisting of circuit training and cardio. I am also throwing in some ballet, along with my spin class and for kicks I am rotating piloxing and TRX classes. Yep, I have gone back to my old ways. My workouts and staying active in the past helped me be able to cope with my anxieties and stress.
I decided that I needed to do some experiments on myself.
I wanted to know if I streamlined my diet and added some intense workout routines if it would help me. I have been steady leading up to daily two-hour workouts for the past two months. (I do have a recovery day.) It has helped me a ton. I introduced some things into my diet that I have not been able to eat before. Some of them have worked such as almonds, others not so much like bananas and walnuts. Gross! Gag! Almost got sick everywhere.
I have noticed a change in my calmness and peace of mind.
I still struggle, but in the last three weeks I have not shutdown or lost my abilities in the same degree as I have in the past when I feel overwhelmed. I have been able to do the workouts because I am doing them outside while the kids play. I am not sure how I am going to do this during the winter. I will have to wait and see. I have been trying to get up earlier, but it never fails. If I get up earlier, the kids get up earlier. I have to come up with sort of schedule in preparation for when school starts. I am starting to feel really good mentally and physically I do not want to lose it.
My new routines have helped tremendously with my depressive thoughts as well.
I was struggling, but what happened this time around is that the ruminating thoughts did not take place. I did not go down long drawn out paths of pessimistic thinking. I was able to see what the thoughts were, feel them for a bit, and then, move on. It felt great! I have felt a difference in how I am affected with my anxiety as well. I know that exercise helps with these things.
However, it is hard to get into a routine and keep it.
I get uninterested in workout routines quickly at times. This time I decided that I would mix it up frequently to help maintain my interest. I will share a few below. I have also resorted into taking low doses of melatonin when needed. I do not like to take supplements, but there for about a month, I could not sleep and it was getting very rough. It is working and I feel much better when I get some sleep. So that is what I am doing during my stress.
Some reads and workouts!
- Sensory Processing Disorders Have Biological Basis (This one I threw in because I was so excited to read it. My sensory processing plays a big role in my moods at times and I have found that exercise does help me with some of my sensory issues. That is the connection as to why I shared this, me thinking of sensory issues and exercise, but they do not talk about that in the article.)
- 10 Warning Signs That You’re Stressed Out
- Exercise fuels the brain’s stress buffers
- How Does Exercise Reduce Stress?
- Exercise for Stress and Anxiety
- Benefits of exercise – reduces stress, anxiety, and helps fight depression, from Harvard Men’s Health Watch
- Exercise and Depression
- I go to BeFit and FitnessBlender to get my workouts most of the time. I have found several videos of people doing the Insanity workout and I do it with them. That workout is no joke. I am waiting for it at the library they have them all! Woot!