03/14/12

Pi Day!

Yesterday I didn’t give the date any thought. I was busily cleaning and organizing Ariel’s room. We had a very light day for school because my anxiety filled with both excitement and stress were at high levels. The kids were filled with the same feelings because everyone had lingering in the back of their minds that I would be gone all day today. My thoughts were cloudy, silly, and racing. Thankfully, it was gorgeous outside and the kids got much needed running and playing out of their system. My mind started to focus on the silliest of things. I was in such an off frame of mind I started sharing my silliness on facebook. Then had a moment of panic that I shared then calmed down and redirected my energy.

My efforts went straight to numbers.

I started looking at some of my images I have tucked away on here. I went back to the image that I have up for one of my poems that I could stare at all day. When I first saw it made me think of flexure. That is actually the name of the poem. The image led to me thinking of curves, that led to thinking about swimming in the number 8, leading to backstroking into infinity, pulling my thoughts to materials that stretch and bend, discovering topology. From there I went on a quick journey of reading and researching many thoughts that ultimately ended with me thinking of Pi and writing a poem about it in a fun and whimsical way.

The way I see numbers. Irrational Number

I just let you have a teeny taste of what happens in my mind during a 15-minute snack break around here. The good thing about anxiety is I have incredible focus on my special interests when it hits me. I am able to write poems very quickly. I can research something in record time. I have the ability to direct great amount of energy on something and get it done — this only works for my special interests. If I am asked to do something else during a spout of anxiety induced adrenaline rush, I cannot focus. My mind turns to fuzz, I begin to sweat, my heart races, I feel panicky, and it takes twice as long to get it done. If I am able to get it done at all. I have learned that when I am feeling this I need to let myself loop into my special interest. I have learned not to be sucked in for hours or lose time…most of the time.

It is much better for all of us when I allow my mind to seek comfort and stim.

I am going to the autism symposium that I have gone to the past two years today. The first year I ended up lost, in a meltdown, sobbing, and forcing myself to go inside. It ended fine it was the getting there that was awful and the effects of the panic, meltdown, and sensory that took me days to recover from. Last year I was so panicky that David had to go with me and that caused other forms of anxiety. This year I was feeling anxious and I am a little now, but it is not the same. I have taken extra measures to help me calm down and I am better equipped in what I need to do for myself. I did not have that last year or the year before. I was still condemning myself for not being able to be a “normal” person who can go to a symposium without a complete meltdown.

The negative talk has stopped.

I will feel comfort and peace with my little iShuffle. I will try to be as calm as possible leaving the kids with David all day. I will make sure that I have the cell phone on me. I will look over my directions another 50 times, even though I know how to get there. I will try to direct all the other thoughts bouncing around in my head on my excitement of what I will learn today. All of this meshing up in my head made me not realize the date. When I wrote my poem last night, I did not consciously realize that today was Pi Day. I usually use this day to teach the kids some cool things. We will do it tomorrow — if we are up to it with all the change from today. I thought it was funny when David said something about it being Pi day. He was surprised that I had not been talking about it all day. I was all: “What? Oh, Yea, Wednesday is Pi day. And I wrote a poem about Pi.” Hee hee

So Happy Pi Day I hope you have a great day!!

inmath.com

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03/9/12

Did Yesterday Happen? Really?

The other day I wrote about what a great day it was, and it was indeed. However, after I posted the night went downhill. Daniel and his Hex Bug’s had to be separated. He had been getting overstimulated for days with them. I tried to limit his time, but he was all consumed by them. He would not turn them off, and requested new batteries all day long. That gets expensive. He had dismantled several of them, in his anger he had thrown them across the room which caused them to not work right. He had also put them on toys that have magnets in them watching and observing what happened. After they had enjoyed their wild magnet ride — they were not as lively as before. This has been going on for a few weeks. We had to replace several of them otherwise we would not have been able to get back to our regular schedule for the day.

Finally after about a week of intense Hex Bug frustrations I had to take them away Wednesday night.

Daniel and I were up past 11 pm I think because he was too upset and didn’t understand why I took his Hex Bugs. I had to explain to him that they caused him to get overloaded. I brought up his other things I had to put in the garage like the Snap Circuits, his marble maze, his fans, his cars, I cannot remember what else is out there. I reminded him how they made his head feel and that he would get angry and throw them. I asked him if he remembered what he did with them and he did. He was upset, and started standing on his head asking: “Why am I doing it again?” over and over. I have been trying to limit his time with the Hex Bugs just like I did with all the others, but he was unable to let them go. It consumed his everything. He would keep them with him all day and night. The over-stimulation was getting too much for all of us and I had to put them in the garage. We are taking a Hex Bug break.

I was concerned about him going through withdraw that normally happens with “breaks”.

I had prepared myself for a rough day yesterday, but to my surprise he was completely calm and happy. I suggested we focus on Lego’s as his new toy of choice. He doesn’t take to them like Joshua, but he is willing. We will be creating Lego things for school today. He told me all day how he was doing very well at staying calm. It was beautiful outside so we played out there for a while. I believe the trampoline helped him as well. We did not have one single meltdown. He continued to explain why he could not have his Hex Bugs right now — scripting for himself. The focus now is on a Hex Spider. He will not be getting that for a while we will see how things go. My day had the underlining anxiety of waiting for a meltdown at any moment, and I had additional underlining anxiety because I was supposed to start my ballet classes last night. New place, new things, new people, hit a car the last time, in attempts to try again I went last month to discover the classes were canceled for the month of February, I did not have my hopes up last night.

I was determined to try again though.

I was not very anxious only a little, but a little anxiety can cause me to be off very much. So when David came downstairs to tell me his happy news I didn’t respond in an over enthusiastic way. David has made some big changes in his life this week. He is feeling excited and nervous at the same time. I had not understood the extreme feelings he was feeling. For him the news that he was sharing was encouragement. He felt it was confirming that he is making the right choices. For me? I didn’t see anything concrete or definite so I did not respond in a very excited way. I deflated his moment by implying something about nothing being definite. At the time I did not understand what I said that caused him to feel discouraged. He was clearly deflated and a little upset at me. I was completely confused. I told him I did not understand at all why he was discouraged. He tried to explain it, but I got more confused. I felt like I had done everything I could to be supportive, I had encouraged him in all of his decisions thus far, I was excited for him, and I said so in the days leading up to this and at that moment. David says that I remind him of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory many times. Though I was happy for David my response was something like this because there was no definite. I did add a little “Yea” for good measure after I realized he was deflated.

The major issue here is the way he is encouraged and the way I am.

I need concrete the “maybe’s” do nothing for me. Yes, what he is talking about is pretty much a done deal — there is still a chance that it will not work out. I am cautious because of all of the times my hopes have gone up only to have them collapse. I am not pessimistic or negative — I am cautious and analytical. Not that he isn’t, we each have our own areas of caution. This one happened to be mine. This whole interaction threw me and I started to feel more anxiety about going to class. It was another moment of me seeing how I do not understand social dynamics! How could I walk into a room of people I don’t know in a leotard and tights and try to be a social creature? I cannot even do well with a person I have been living with for over eight years! Ug! He went upstairs to sort out his feelings. I tried my best at letting it go. I told myself I had to try the ballet class even with this tinge of fear of social stuff and not knowing what else would happen when I got to the dance studio.

Everything settled.

It still took me until this morning to figure out the social mishap between David and I. I got ready and headed out the door it was 5:44pm I giggled. I got there early to pay and no one was at the desk…again. I stood there for a few minutes and finally asked a woman sitting in a chair if she had seen anyone. She told me she had not seen anyone since 5:30pm. Great. I waited a few more minutes then went to the car. It was 6:11pm I laughed. Seriously it was getting ridiculous with the double digits. I listened to some music and got myself so worked up I decided to leave. I felt the anxiety rise. I couldn’t stay. I decided to go home. I felt in my gut though that I should stay. The anxiety was taking over and I drove off. As I did I heard: “If you leave nothing has changed. It will be the same as every other time.” I kept driving feeling sick to my stomach listening to music trying to make the voice go away. I then heard: “Go back.” I looked at the sky and there was the HUGE full moon talking to me! I was on the main road heading straight home when a car pulled out in front of me the license plate had “33″ and “EE” on it. I would give the whole plate, but I think that would be wrong. I forgot to mention that on the way there the car in front of me had “88″ on it’s plates.

I rolled my eyes and said: “You have got to be kidding!”

The next light would have taken me over the bridge with no turns — I decided to turn back around at the light and went back to the studio. I sucked in my breath, walked in and there was a woman behind the desk, she was very kind and helped me. I was still a little early so I sat and waited. A dance instructor came out who I immediately felt calm with because she reminded me of my no nonsense cousin from St. Louis, MO who is hilarious. She acted similar to her and looked like her too. She was subbing the class until the male instructor came. She made me feel comfortable and accepted right away. The class was small last night, which was good since I was feeling nervous. The instructor is a retired Russian trained ballet dancer. He was a big deal I guess? I have to find out more about his story. It got my imagination going a Russian trained ballet dancer turned real estate agent on a small island with limited cultural influences. Oh, yes. Great story. I loved every second of it!

Things started coming back to me quickly.

I was like a little girl all giddy. Since they had not had class last month he was going over the basics which worked perfect! I haven’t felt such happiness and “rightness” with my body and mind in so long I cannot remember. I was ok with losing my balance — I didn’t feel bad when my feet didn’t move with my arms. I was happy with the process of learning. Everyone had a great attitude about it too. I watched the other ladies make mistakes and they were fine. They just did it again. Both of the instructors encouraged me and said I did well for my first night. It has been ages since I was in an actual ballet class. My kitchen floor does not count. He was picking apart some of the girls, but in my mind I understood that he was doing this to help them. He saw their potential and was telling them to step up to that potential. He told me he would start doing it to me soon AND I was ok with that. The reason was that it was not a negative criticism — the motive was to help not to tear down. I was so happy to feel the freedom to make mistakes and accept the process of learning. It is not right or wrong. It is not good or bad. It is not black or white.

It is the process of learning which requires mistakes if you want to get better.

I learned a lot of lessons yesterday. In the past my anxiety with Daniel would have derailed me from doing anything and I would have stayed home. As a matter-of-fact that is what happened last week. I just could not get myself to step out of the door. I would have also been completely derailed and shut down from my interaction with David. I pushed through because I need to change. It is up to me how I respond to these things. I knew that the classes would be good for me so I had to try no matter what the outcome was. I want to point out I did not hear an audible voice or anything. I know the moon was not actually talking to me. (I know my number thing may sound silly to others too. My whole double letters/number thing, but that is part of me. It’s something that I have tried to deny for a very long time because people made me feel foolish.) I listened to my inner voice. It is the one that I have drowned out for so long that I forgot what she sounded like.

I am so glad that I did listen to her last night.

I am so happy that I stepped out, and had such a wonderful experience. I really needed that. I left there feeling whole with myself, and positive about going back next week. Everyone was so nice and accepting of me. I am not used to that especially around here. My oddities and quirks are like flares in this town sometimes. The ending of the story. I walked out and smiled at the glowing moon. As I was driving home I looked down the clock said 8:11 pm. The radio ended a commercial at that very moment and started a song by a band that I love and have happy connections to. I will leave with it. THE JOY FORMIDABLE – A HEAVY ABACUS (It’s a rockin’ song. Abacus! Funny, funny. All these planets and the moon are messing with me. Lol!)

My world trips me out sometimes — seriously, I feel like I live in a book…maybe I do.

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02/27/12

Change…A Lot Of Change…

I am feeling kind of overwhelmed with some changes that are going on around here. I am also not sure how to process certain events that are taking place…like things going right. I mean everything is falling in to place for things to actually happen without great hindrance or struggle. Yes, I am not used to that at all and I do not know how to process it. The funds we needed to get Daniel reevaluated and the funds for my diagnosis evaluation have come in and it was very unexpected. I am not complaining, but I always have that hint of “Great! Everything is going right, now what bad thing is going to happen?”

I try not to — I really do not want to think like that.

It seems to be the pattern though. I am trying to focus on living in the moment, being grateful for the resources, and the positive things taking place. I admit it can be a little hard though. I am adjusting to my “creepy” liking sister moving back in with my mom. I think it will be really great for her and mom. Those two are SO much alike. They are perfect roomies because they both have many of the same “quirks” and “rituals”. This particular sister mom and I think is on the spectrum as well, but we will let her figure that out on her own. She is already starting to notice many similarities that she had not seen before. She is 24 years old and has had some pretty traumatic events happen to her already. We almost lost her a couple of years ago.

She almost died due to a serious complication with an autoimmune disorder.

The doctors are still stumped and could never rightfully diagnosis what it was; at one point her platelet count was at 7. She was hospitalized several times, and went through different procedures. They finally tried a new cancer treatment on her that worked, and she has not had any problems since. It was very scary. It was about a year later that her boyfriend who she was living with got upset with her and packed his stuff up one day when she was at work and left. She never saw it coming, she had to move in with my other sister who operates out of emotion and is always unable to read. It is hard for all of us including my “emotional” sister; she is surrounded by three other women who don’t get it! Sigh…for all of us.

My sister moved in with my mom to try to get her life on track.

She is usually very level headed and she is bright. (Both of my sisters are very bright. My other sister has great insight a lot of times also, but she doubts herself.) She already came up with a two year plan to go out on her own. She plans everything! It’s new though, and we all are adjusting. I do feel much better about us moving back to my hometown with her living with mom. They are good for each other. I still don’t want to leave my mom, but that is me being a big baby and caretaker at the same time. I am freaking out the closer and closer it gets to us moving as well. A lot of changes are going to happen then. A LOT! I am feeling very confident in my progress to be able to go back there and not be traumatized by my past. I have processed and dealt with a large portion of that trauma in my life. I no longer call it the “armpit of hell” that is good. Now I just call it “evil”. Lol! I’m kidding! (Kind of) I do have anxiety about it though.

Some days it is an overwhelming all consuming feeling.

The move involves many different things for all of us. AND Packing! I am working on my resume and that is freaking me out!! I am attempting a writer/blogger resume. It makes me nervous, but I do not see how I am going to be able to work out of the home just yet. Possibly I will be fine working part-time — I am not sure though. I haven’t worked in so long it is frightening (an anxious feeling not scared) to think about. My thoughts have been consumed with all of this because it is becoming real. I have managed to make it erase from my thoughts over and over again, but many things have transpired last week and this weekend to make it very real.

Awwwwwwwwww!! I am going to miss the beach!!!

Sorry I had to shout that because it was taking over my brain. I don’t want to talk about this anymore I am getting sad, excited, scared, and happy all at the same time. Overload-loop-overload-loop-loop-loop-blip-loop. All better, let’s talk about how it has been proven that I am indeed the reason for my “creepy” loving sister’s passion for what my mom considers creepy. She shared with my mom in intricate detail about her eighth birthday which she considers a pivotal moment in her life. There were many, many things going on in our life during that time. It seems as though I gave her “The Nightmare Before Christmas” movie. That would be me — yes I saw no problem with giving an eight year old a movie like that. The rating is PG I still think it’s ok. My mom is sensitive to images and movies like what Tim Burton creates.

She has been “passionate” about it and things like it ever since.

I have pictures below of some of her collections. I also introduced her to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My favorite was Raphael. So OK! I take some responsibility for her love of darky creepy type of things, but I never told her to go get a tattoo of the skeleton. I have no tattoos on my body. I am too freaky about any equipment touching my body that has touched another human being. You can ask my doctors about that one. Good times. She also has a cute little Chihuahua named Chico. I had to get a few pictures of him too. There I think I feel better…at least I stopped my near “OMG! EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYTHING MELTDOWN”. Much better. Interesting at my mom’s house were a ton of sparrows. They were flying all around her roof, and to the trees across the street. I tried to get good shots, but to no avail. I put in my mom’s painting she is working on. Shh!

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02/24/12

Confusion. Great It’s Not Going Anywhere

It is always fun and exciting when you have uncovered a lie that you have convinced yourself of. (I stated that with a sarcastic tone and possibly a British accent because I am speaking in a British accent today in honor of Sherlock Holmes.) Wow! My silliness is really coming out lately. What lie has been unraveled before my eyes? Well…I had tricked myself somehow into believing that my social confusion was going to disappear at some point. Unknown to myself the “mini-me” living inside had kept the secret that it was not going anywhere. Possibly I told mini-me to be quiet. The “main-me” had continued to gather data, and information. I continued to study people and behaviors, thinking I was getting somewhere.

Actually I have gained a lot of understanding.

I do not want to dismiss all of the work I have done and what I have applied. However, I fooled myself into thinking that one day it would finally click. It wasn’t until several encounters this week both online and in real life that made me realize that my social confusion is a part of me. It is going to stay a part of me. I have gotten better in some areas, but still I get confused and have to ask questions. It is another thing that I need to accept about myself so I can move on. It was kind of hard to accept though. I do not know why. I asked my mom last night: “Did you already accept that you are going to be socially confused for the rest of your life?” She looked at me with a “Duh” kind of face and said: “Well, yes.” I was speechless.

Only for a second of course.

What? How did she realize this and come to peace with it? My mom seemed to have everything fall into place for her after she read a couple of books about Aspergers, websites, and several blogs I sent her. All of her missing pieces connected and she accepted herself fully. It finally gave her answers that she had been needing for so many years, and she was settled. I have not had that easy of a transition. I accepted many things, felt at peace and got answers, but it was on the service. I had been pretending to be someone else for so long that I wasn’t even sure what I looked like. I couldn’t decipher who was Angel and who was “Faux Angel”. In my transition of accepting myself and all of my ways I continue to reveal things that need to be accepted.

Today I accept my social confusion.

What does that mean? It means that I can only be around, and have relationships with people who I can trust. I need people who will support me and understand that this is part of me. I need people who will not get frustrated, annoyed, or angry with me when I do not understand. I need people who will accept that at certain times or in certain social situations my mind is very much like a child. Also, at other times I may completely understand the social dynamic. There is no rhyme or reason. I can know something one day and the next not have a clue. I need people who love and support me even when I am clueless. I also need them to remind me that I am still intelligent and not wrong just because I do not understand what someone means by what they said, or did.

I am not exactly sure why, but I am getting teary eyed as I write this.

I am kind of overwhelmed with my experiences of being ridiculed, or put down because of my social confusion. I am having many flashes in my head where I said the absolute wrong thing and upset people, but didn’t understand why it was wrong. There are times where I said something and made people angry, or they laughed at me and I did not know why. I have other times when they said things to me that I completely misunderstood, and had no idea how to process. (These events still occur today, but I am having a rush of my past play like a movie.) Accepting social confusion for me is washing off those words, and experiences. It is giving me freedom from mistakes I made that I have continually relived beating myself up for hurting another human being. It is giving me freedom from the harsh words spoken to me. Great. Now I am crying completely! BLAH! I don’t like crying.

There are so many factors that play into social confusion.

It is not only being confused socially. The social confusion can be heightened do to many other things. I understand and see this in my children. In many ways the kids are well beyond social understanding than I am. I understand a child’s world though — I understand many dynamics in that social setting because they are still at the age where it’s simple. I think this has been one of my fears about them getting older and me feeling like I will not be able to relate. It isn’t that I will not relate to my children it is that I do not know how to help them when they are teenagers. I didn’t know how to handle it when I was a teenager and I have not learned much to date. I see that many adults continue to operate in that social paradigm, only “sometimes” less dramatic or emotionally enhanced.

It is still all foreign to me.

The good news is that now I have tons of resources to use, or lead them to so I know that they will be fine. We will figure it out and they can giggle and poke fun at their clueless mom. Not in a mean way, you know. It’s like when my mom is clueless and I call her on it, we laugh. She does the same thing to me — it’s funny. I got a little emotional in the middle of this so I may have run off and gotten distracted. The purpose of this post was for me to solidify my acceptance of my social confusion. Also to share with others in case they had not accepted it as well. It is hard to remember that autistic adults go through the same social confusion as kids. It is very hard to remember when the adult is able to speak well, work, go to school, have a social life, be a parent, contribute to the community, etc… It is very easy to forget the struggles, or believe we do not have them. Most of the time we have just learned how to hide them better.

It takes a lot sometimes to go out and be social knowing full well you are going to still be confused.

Thanks to Lisa at Alienhippy she posted several links and images that helped me a great deal. They are on her other blog Missing Jigsaws & Excess Lego. I am going to share some of the images on here they are from Autism Discussion Page, which is an excellent and very helpful resource page. Here are links she shared as well that I thought were very helpful. Sorry the images got mixed up and are not in order. I do not have time to fix it now. Maybe later.

FRAGILE WORLD ON THE SPECTRUM

Asperger Syndrome or High-Functioning Autism?

OH! I just read this and thought it was good. It has nothing to do with autism, but it could help the autistic mind. Mine anyway. Sharing. The Mindful Self-Express (added very quickly now I must go)

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02/19/12

The Play And My Role

Friday I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically. My body retaliated all week (still is) and I finally gave into some medication. I am always apprehensive because I never know what will work, and my body responds in strange ways to medicine. I caved and tried some extra strength Bayer, it has been working at least I have been able to get some sleep. I was very excited about going to see the play Into the Woods with my mom and sisters. I was unable to sit still so I went outside with my iPod shuffle, it was rainy and a little cold, but it was SO cool! (They were coming to pick me up.) I watched the small rain midst shower down through the light of my lamp post in my yard. (I really like the lamp post so does Daniel.) The lines of water showering down, in the light, against the black sky, to music was a very happy moment for me.

I tried to control myself from dancing because of my shoulder, but I could not.

It helped me to be calm while I waited. My interactions with my sisters can be very negative or very positive. When my mom is in the midst of the dynamic it is all very strange. I am not sure how to explain it. Since I am the oldest by birth, but not the oldest by same mother/father sibling there is a weird kind of atmosphere that takes place with my eldest of the two sisters. The same thing happens with my eldest of the three sisters with my dad and step mom. With these particular sisters there is an odd dynamic because I took care of them a large portion of their young lives. I was with them all the time, watched them, took care of the house, and had the mom role. My mom worked a lot of hours during their lives and was unable to spend a great deal of time with them until about their teenage years. Long(er) story.

In their eyes my role was confusing because I was sister/mom.

To be honest it was confusing for all of us. I managed my mom’s emotions as much as possible and was the go between with them for a long time, until I left. Still any time in the past or even now I feel the need to explain my mom’s behaviors because my sisters get upset or confused. The funny thing is that my mom does the same thing for me with them when I am not around. We understand each other even if we do not understand how it feels, or we do not feel the same way. We know how to explain each other’s behavior to others. Our ability to do this with true understanding and acceptance has only happened in recent months. My mom and I may have been able to explain each other, but not because we had a comprehension of why. We understood from patterns we observed in each other that certain things would cause meltdown/shutdown. We were trying to control our emotions as well as everyone else.

Our acceptance of each other is new.

AS(pergers) has explained a lot for us and has cleared up a lot of past hurts between us. My sisters forget, kind of… um, still unwilling to accept that my mom and I are on the spectrum. Both mom and I are going in for a diagnosis because if it is not AS what is it? All signs point to AS, but there could be a chance of something else and we need to know. I know, I know I am SO sidetracked lately. I have a lot to process. They arrived and my sister whose birthday it was started to get out of the front seat to let me sit. I thought that was strange, I told her I would sit in the back. She asked: “Are you sure?” How silly! I said: “Of, course, silly!” I sat in the back with my sister who loves skeletons and vampires, and anything dark and creepy. (Yes, I was blamed once again that night for her love of “creepy” things.)

We headed out and were completely silly.

My mom was playing a Frank Sinatra CD. My sister who is a complete Hip Hop/Reggae fanatic also LOVES Frank Sinatra. We are all musically eclectic. (Thanks mom ) I started laughing at some of the lyrics. We were just plain silly. I couldn’t stop snorting – that made everyone laugh. I have a contagious laugh I have been told on several occasions. The playhouse was crowded and small. We did not know what to expect because it is never easy to tell how things will turn out around here. We got into our crammed seats, and the buzz of talking was a lot. The smell of people was driving me crazy. It was all too close, I was glad that I sat between my two sisters because otherwise I might not have made it so close to strangers who smell like perfume or who breathe on me!

The whole play was awesome!

The actors were great performers. I was very impressed with how professional and talented they were. I absolutely loved the play. If you have not heard of it, basically it takes several of Grimm Brothers fairy tales and mixes them all up and twists them into one storyline. I love fairy tales, myths, Aesop’s fables all of that I love it! So does “creepy” loving sister. My other sister was getting very annoyed with all the singing and stuff and started getting very negative. In the past I would have gotten very upset, but instead I ignored her. I was having too much fun. The clapping didn’t even bother me sometimes I have to cover my ears when people clap. The acoustics was just right though so the voices sounded fabulous and it all felt muffled in a good way. It wasn’t as daggering into my ears. At the end I clapped and clapped and yelled:”YEA!” I was bouncing in my seat. My sisters just laughed at me, this behavior is not new. It is new for me to realize that I am doing it though.

It has made a difference to know why people are looking at me funny.

In their world rightfully so, I am a grown woman who seems to be acting like a child. My negative Nelly sister was annoyed with the song Into the Woods that I could not resist singing during the intermission and changing the lyrics. It helped her to laugh and start making up her own lyrics. The video I shared has the ending the song as well. The message made me tear up, but I am not sure why it moved me so much. The “Children will listen” thing really got me. By the time it was over my mom hightailed it out of there. She ran over several elderly folks and left us in a dash. My sister’s thought she went to the restroom because she always has to go pee. Sorry she does it is of high frustration while taking her anywhere. We stood by the restroom waiting, but then she came zooming up to us and said: “Come on! I was already outside.”

Here is where I realized my role with clarity.

My sister got angry. She is an emotional person — everything is said out of pure emotion. She started saying some negative things, and then said: ‘I am never going anywhere with any of you ever again!” Kind of loud. She said: “I hate this, she always acts like this. She always gets all mad and then storms out of wherever we are.” (Referring to my mom) I told her that I didn’t think mom was angry at all. I explained that she HAD to get out of there. It was crowded, loud, confining, and mom freaks out if she feels trapped. It was surprising she made it through the play because she felt trapped the whole time. My mom was exhausted, it was 11pm she had been up since 2:30 am, she worked a full day unloading a truck (she is 56), and she is normally in bed no later than 8 pm. My sister was frustrated because she had to get up at 4 am and make two wedding cakes the next day.

I explained that mom was not doing anything toward us.

I tried to explain to her why mom was acting the way she was. My sister was not accepting it I started singing the song “Into the Woods” with lyrics about her pissy attitude. (Sorry that is the best word for it.) I then cuddled up on her shoulder because we ALL hate that! NO TOUCHY! All four of us do not like being touched so what better way to torture her. Since I was inflicting the torture I was alright with the touching. She was able to snap out of it because who can stay angry while a grown woman dressed like Amelia Earhart in her amazing black knee-high boots and black scarf singing silly songs; skipping down the middle of the road; is proclaiming her love for you? Come on! In the midst of all of this my mom who was speed racing to the car and completely oblivious to my raging sister said: “Man, I just had to get out of that place. I felt like I was trapped!” I looked at my sister with a “See!” look.

On the way home we continued our silly songs.

I shared with them the reasons for my several occasions of random outburst of laughter while everyone else was completely silent. It was made clear from the beginning that if we felt the need to laugh by all means do it, and I did! Like the time they went to a new scene, all was dark, the lights came on and there was a lone stump of wood. I started laughing loudly and covered my mouth. The thought that popped through my head was “Got wood?” Why? I don’t know. Before the show started, I was digging around in my purse for gum and found a fork instead. I pulled out my fork and asked: “Do you want a fork?” This is why I don’t go out much. Ha ha ha I meant both of them literally, but I understood from past experience that other people thought of it differently. That was the reason I laughed so hard about the wood I was laughing at seeing my naïvety.

I don’t remember putting a fork in my purse.

I do put strange things in there… often. I realized how much I am the go between with my mom and sisters — I am mostly the comic relief. That is my role a lot of the times. Not in this situation, but in many others I can see where I pushed down any of my feelings, stopped my words so I could bring laughter and peace to a situation. I am very thankful for all of these experiences that have come about this week. It has helped me a great deal in understanding my unhealthy patterns, seeing my new healthy patterns, and gaining a little freedom from anxieties that used to debilitate me. See it, learn from it, and move on. I tell you what though I will always believe in fairy tales. And maybe that night I encountered Zennyo Ryūō.

I was very giddy and found that the song playing was quite fitting.

Young At Heart — Frank Sinatra

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you’re young at heart.
For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart.

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02/17/12

Star Wars At The Movies! Yea!…Eh…

Wednesday was surprisingly calm. I had anticipated a few more meltdowns, or squabbles because of “conversation confusion”. The conversation confusion that happens around here can lead to some serious verbal throw-downs and at times doll accessories or Hex Bugs being tossed. Ok, those items did get thrown, but not in the usual “I am mad you because you confused me with what you said, and I do not understand why you would say that” type of way. It was all sensory processing and coming down from the anticipation of the wedding only to rise back into anticipation for the movie related. What I mean by verbal throw-downs a recent conversation between Joshua and Ariel:

Joshua: I need a red Lego for my ship. (Sound of digging through Lego’s ouch to my ears.)

Ariel: That is not a red Lego.

Joshua: Yes, it is red.

Ariel: No, it’s not it is dark red.

Joshua: It is red.

Ariel: Look, it is dark red this one is red.

(Compare two different Lego’s indeed one is darker.)

Joshua: Just get away from me, you are overloading me.

Ariel: It’s not red! It’s dark red.

Joshua: (Hands over ears) Leave me alone.

Ariel: (tiny fists clenched) Arrrgggg! (run to room and curl up with dragons)

I get everyone calmed down and we have a lesson on color perception, and how it is ok to call things simply one color. Ariel thought she was helping him, and Joshua didn’t understand why she was interrupting his Lego play, plus he felt he was correct because technically it is a shade of red that he felt everyone else would call red too. (They are both correct.) Verbal throw-downs are like that. Sidetracked much? I already had a feeling that David taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D was not going to go well, but I also knew that he really wanted to do that with them. I knew that they really wanted to go as well. I had already anticipated they would not make it through the whole film.

We have only been to the movies once.

We saw “Up” at AMC it was a “Sensory Friendly Film”. It went well Daniel made it through most of the movie, but it was the aftermath that was too much. It took days for all of us to recover. The last church we were going to is (“is” because they are still there) in a movie theater like that and every week it was loud, had too many flashing lights, the smells, the carpet designs, the arcade room, and on and on the sensory consuming mass took over our brains and it would take a few days to recover. AND that was not even watching a movie! I knew Ariel would be ok, even though she would not be afterwards. Joshua is another story. The poor little guy has to wear the noise cancelling headphones when sitting at the table to eat. I feel for him– I can’t even eat at the table. (Eating at tables with people can be very hard for me on multiple levels.) He gets overloaded at crunching, or any other mouth noises you can think of. He is the loudest and most high-pitched, but he cannot handle it if someone else is.

He gets so upset with Daniel sometimes.

Daniel will be breathing too loud sometimes, not to the rest of us, but to Joshua. Joshua gets exhausted and frustrated with sounds and too much visual stimulation. If his circuits are all scattered I cannot understand a word he is saying. It turns into high-pitched “wahsakhiiahiajgkj;aslkdguigh;”and I am all “What? I can’t understand you.” This turns into Joshua screaming like this: “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!” and running into his room, shutting the door until he has calmed down. He then has either forgotten what he was saying or he is able to speak clearly. It is not a happy time for any of us. The great thing about Joshua is that he does his scream or voices his frustration and is able to go back to his normal happy self. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, when he feels like he has hurt someone’s feelings or if he feels like someone has treated him unjustly.

Focus, Angel. Short version. (HA!)

I told them they had to wear their headphones — Ariel said she couldn’t because they were choking her. Yes, they were on her head and not on her neck. We had to come up with an alternate noise canceller. We found a Scooby-Doo head wrap and a pink, green, and white striped hat. (Ariel and I both love this hat it has a cool tassel ball on top. I have such a small head that I can wear her hats. ) I got over my anxieties about them leaving and was happy that they were able to go. Daniel and I had planned on reading some of the new books we got, make a Hex Bug book, play some games on the Hex Bug site, and of course play with Hex Bugs. Because everyone knows that Hex Bugs are the only thing in the world that matter. AND they have an awesome website that is way fun. I mean… Daniel really loves them. He does I like the website. Ok! They go around and around through hexagons! Their home is hexagons! Who doesn’t love that??

David and the kids left.

Daniel was a little upset and didn’t understand at first why he couldn’t go. I explained to him again where they were going and asked if he wanted to go see a movie. He said that he did not, but he had tears in his eyes. He was getting upset and trying to rub the tears away. I asked him if he was worried because he asked about the car, he said no. I asked him if he felt left out he said no. I asked him if he knew what he was feeling he said no. He was getting very frustrated with the tears and started throwing his body, getting ready to go into a meltdown. He buried his head in my lap and started to get a little aggressive so I asked him to please sit up. I told him that it was ok to cry, and this stopped him. He looked at me and asked:”Why?” He then asked: “Why am I crying?” I told him: “I don’t know, but it’s ok to cry. Mommy cries all the time.”

He kind of giggled, then smiled, but tried to hide it.

I told him sometimes we just need to cry and it makes us feel better. He accepted this, the tears stopped, and we played Hex Bugs and finished our other plans as well. However, the phone rang; David and the kids were coming home. Joshua started getting a headache. I think they made it through 1/3 of the movie. I knew that Ariel was very upset I could feel it through the phone. When they walked in the door they had just realized they left her hat at the theater. Not good. David forgot she had it because she took it off. She ran into her room. I went in there with her and held her. Daniel wouldn’t leave, and he was smiling and laughing and looking at her. I asked him if he was trying to make her feel better and he said: “Yes!” He was very worried about her, but an outsider would have thought he was being insensitive. He was not he was showing empathy his way.

He bounced on her bed, and then got her Hex Bug for her.

She did not want the Hex Bug, but he was trying to help her. He tried to tickle her too. She was completely shutdown in my arms. She then started crying uncontrollably. I asked Daniel to go get some tissues for her and he did. He then sat on her bed and talked about her dragons trying to make her happy. She was not listening she couldn’t. I asked her if she was upset about the movie and if she wanted to go back. She could not answer and she had no idea why she was crying. I know that part of the reason for the tears was that the plan got messed up. It threw everything off even though I tried to prepare her that they may have to leave. She was upset at Joshua, but felt bad for feeling upset because he could not help it. She was overloaded from going to the wedding the night before, and from the movie theater. She wanted to see the movie so badly though that she didn’t care. I just held her for about 15 minutes while she sobbed.

I had gone through that the day before.

I had my own social anxieties on Tuesday that I had not considered because I was feeling so calm, and happy from the positive experience at the movies. I was handling my anxiety in a much more positive way, but my brain was still processing all of the movie experience and processing the anticipation for that evening. I had my crash Tuesday afternoon. Ariel had her crash Wednesday evening. I always forget to think about how much energy it takes for us to process our whole environment. I forget how much additional time it takes to process. I am aware of our sensory and social issues, but when I am not in a panic I think everything is fine. I tend to forget that I will still be affected. I can remember this for the kids, but I forget for myself. The idea of processing is understood, but I forget that everything is taken in. In the movie theater alone, I took in smells, visuals, details in the carpet, I noticed the light fixtures that were broken, I noticed the woman next to me was wearing beige boots, with white socks, and she had short black hair (she came in when it was dark), I heard buzzing, and saw flashes, and I was consumed in the emotions of the movie and every detail with that.

I am stopping there, but I could go on in greater detail.

I know that the kids go through this, and it is especially difficult for the kids to understand why I do not let them go to certain places that are full of sensory stimulation. It seems like I am being cruel at times by not letting them go places or do things, but I have to weigh the consequences. They are not able to explain their social anxieties right now, but I am seeing some of the signs. This week is one of those times that I knew we all had to experience new things, but I also prepared myself for outcomes like leaving the movie early, meltdown/shutdowns, and tears. Ariel was able to cry it out and be ok. She and David will attempt the movies another time alone. Joshua came home and built all the ships that he did see in the short time of watching the movie they were pictures in his mind.

This whole crying thing is good for all of us to accept.

I had to let all my tears out the other day; I did have a few yesterday as well. I cried because my brain was processing, my body was trying to recover from the heightened emotions and the chemicals that are soaring through it. I was on a complete happy high, so of course to balance it out my brain is going to produce the chemicals needed to bring balance. We all do this, but for those of us with sensory and anxiety issues it is like a double dose. I think it could be why some of us get diagnosed as Bipolar. Just a theory. Everything worked out and we are all back to our overloaded normal selves. I am quite exhausted, but I am happy to report that I am not feeling depressed or down. I have listened to my body and have taken recovery time. I have not condemned myself for sitting and watching a movie. We all did what we needed to do in order for our brains to process. I think we will wait a bit longer for Joshua to go to the movies. Ariel will have to go soon though because she is still a little bummed about that.

Lesson for this week:

“Tears are a release and can be a good thing.” They do not always reflect emotions, but they can be the body’s way of release when you do not know how to regulate your sensory or social world. I know I accepted this about myself…kind of. I will help the kids accept it too. I do ask for some prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, or whatever because my entire right shoulder feels like it is ripping off of the bone. I am not kidding some serious pain up in here. It is progressing to my neck and a little in my arm. It gets worse when I lay down. No likey! I am going to a play tonight I hope it starts to ease, it has been hurting for a few days now. It is making it difficult to type, do laundry, basically anything, but it’s not stopping me, I probably should rest it. I am not good at resting. Oh! I got a picture of the cake from the wedding, (I took it off of fb I don’t think they would mind.) and other pictures from the day. And a frog I found last night. And a picture of a dragon that Ariel drew with her eyes closed…Ok, I am done, really.

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02/15/12

Lovely Barn Wedding — Missed It

Alright yesterday I was sickly, I cried, I felt horrible for a while, and was drained. It happened later closer to noon. I spend most of the day in shutdown mode, so my flying high social movie event caused me to crash. Good news. At around 4pm I was able to sob it all out in the shower, I made dinner, and I told myself that I was going to a barn wedding and that was awesome. I was able to bounce back. I will add that it was a little stressful with the kids having their own anxiety issues about going. It was all new, and they didn’t know what to expect. I dwindled my day away by watching the History channel with the kids. We did learn things – no one was in any frame of mind for school so we took a sick day.

I was very slow going and had to rush to get myself ready.

I tend to do that a lot I think of other things to do besides getting ready to go somewhere. The next thing I know I am running late because I just HAD to organize my make-up at that moment. It HAD to be done right then and there before anything else could happen. I don’t even have a lot of make-up, but I managed to waste time to make me a little later. I chose a dress that has cool patterns on it that I like so if I got annoyed or bored with people, then I could stare at them. I also wore my pointy toe boots that I do not wear that often because they felt fun. I called mom and said that we would meet her at her house and head out since we were going in kind of the back woods.

Mom and I thought the wedding was at 6:30pm.

We got there with about ten minutes to spare. We walked in and thought that it had not started yet. A lady from our old church came up and talked to me, she is a very sweet person. She actually does not go to that old church anymore either. After a few minutes of talking, it was revealed that the ceremony was at 6pm. Aaaaahhhhh! What????? Oh, goodness. Mom and I sat looking at each other — we both shutdown. We both felt horrible. She started to tear up. I took over, and told her that there was nothing we could do and we needed to find our friend. I knew that would calm mom down. If she talked to our friend she could snap out of it even though the guilt and bad feelings would still be there. (It was our friend’s daughter getting married.) I am friends with the groom’s mom as well.

My guilt took away all fears, and anxieties.

I had to find them. I went straight to the bride’s mom and hugged her and then confessed. Of course she was very nice, but then was very concerned about mom. She has been friends with my mom for about 14 years. She knows what my mom will do to herself for making such a mistake. The woman is very much an NT, but she has four daughters with learning disabilities, sensory integration, and at one time her youngest was considered on the spectrum, but she refused to get a formal diagnosis and considers her completely healed. I am not sure that she was on the spectrum, there are other factors there. I am not going into it though. The woman is accepting of my mother’s AS and that is all I care about. I then went to the groom’s mom and confessed she was very nice and just happy that we made it.

Sigh of relief.

They both told me to go say: “Hi” to the bride and groom. I do not know them as well. I was a little anxious because I did not know what to say. My mind was blank, BUT I saw the cake it had an OWL on it. I squealed. I looked at them, congratulated them, and said something I cannot even remember, and then I said: “You have an owl on your cake! Owls are awesome!” After that I lost all of my words, and I was standing with Daniel and looking silly. There was an awkward silence, with them smiling at me and Daniel. I could finally hear the music and I got excited and blurted out: “Is this Explosions?” They looked at me funny. I blurted out: “Is this Explosions in the Sky?” They just continued to look at me funny. I scanned the bridesmaids looking for someone to confirm what I was hearing. The last one had a mouth full, but gave me a thumps up. I said: “Yes!”

At that point I could not recover and basically walked away to get a close up of the cake.

I had a feeling that I was going to see an owl. Ha ha I really did. I was hoping it was real though. I later took the kids up to see the cake because Ariel and Joshua had not seen it. We went up and I let them have a little punch. While we were walking down the stairs I heard another song that I love. It was Regina Spektor singing “Us”. I said: “Oh, it’s Regina Oh! It’s Us!” I was a little loud — I didn’t care and I was singing. It wasn’t that I didn’t care it was that I didn’t really notice until a guy turned around and looked at me. He smiled so I guess it was ok. The music threw me because the people that I am talking about were not listening to any music except Christian music the last time I was around them. I was not expecting it. I also was NOT expecting to hear Explosions, or Regina who I love both of which I have happy connections to. Bonus for me and it helped me be calm.

The barn was not a real barn.

I was hoping for animals and hay and stuff. It was on a nice lake and had fabulous huge trees that I would imagine great owls to be living in. I got some pictures. There were deer heads on the wall I got a picture of that. I was very social so I will probably crash at some point. I did enjoy myself. Here is the big accomplishment. I was not full of anxiety before, during or after. I did act spazzy, but I fooled everyone. I mean that I did not have the fearful anxiety. I had my normal dose, but I was not afraid for the sake of being afraid. I did not panic. I did not hyperventilate beforehand. I did not freak out when I found out that we missed the wedding ceremony.

This is huge because I did not know who to expect to be there.

I know these people from the church that was a negative experience. Most of them have left that church, but I knew that there would be a few who still attend that church. I did not know who or how many. There was one of the moms of an autistic boy there. The boy is now 18 I think. He is considered high functioning, but is unable to live on his own. When I met the woman she told me that she would not allow her son to hand flap, stim, fidget, or anything like that. As I watched her son he was very calm, sat still the whole time in his chair. She was sitting right next to him and I did not see her smile once. She looked at me several times which made me notice that I was finger twirling and swaying to the music.

I did not stop.

I also noticed her looking at Daniel as he swayed back and forth to the music, jumped up and down, I jumped with him. She glared at him as he ran back and forth looking at the lights and ceiling fans. She would not look me in the face. She kept her stone face as she watched Ariel, Joshua, Daniel and me twirl, dance, jump, rock, hand flap, and stare. (We were not being obnoxious, it was our subtle stims. Those who are familiar with autism would notice these things other people tend to not notice “most of the time” everyone has their own fidget or whatever. It was a wedding so no one really noticed at all.) The only reason I noticed her was because she was at the next table sitting with her family. At church she would sit next to me sometimes and point out things that Daniel was doing and would tell me that she did not allow her son to those things, but “That is just me” she would say. It always confused me.

We all stood there doing our thing with big smiles.

And guess what? Other people smiled too. I didn’t care what anyone thought, and she was the only one who seemed to be offended. We had fun, and went to the store afterwards for a treat because we couldn’t eat the wedding cake. The kids and I were in the front of the store and a woman from that same church we used to go to saw me. She came right up and hugged me and wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t shaken at all. I was able to hug back and not get freaked out. All this hugging is probably going to make me itchy today. It may all hit me later. That was a huge moment too though because she was one of them that said to me that Daniel was not the way God intended him to be and she was praying for the autism to go away.

It was good for me to see her.

I am working through anger about things like that and when I saw her I was not angry at all. I understood that she does not have a clear understanding of autism. And I know that she will not because she is in a system that will not allow it. It does not allow her to. She cannot leave that system because it is her group and if she goes against the group she will be rejected. She will be alone. She cannot handle that rejection. It has nothing to do with me or Daniel. It is her issue and her issue does not have to be mine. I am free — my kids are free and happy. As far as I am concerned she needs my compassion, I would like for her to understand our world. I would like for her to understand how hurtful it is for people to say things like that, but she won’t. I cannot control that I can control the self-confidence, the self-acceptance, and general acceptance of others in my life. I can raise my kids to be accepting of others.

That is all I can do, I wish I could change people’s minds.

The only way anything will change is through being myself no matter how people treat me or look at me, and to teach my kids the same thing. Either they accept it or they don’t. It is very hard, and I am sure I will have a good rant again about how people piss me off! I did understand it for a moment though. Possibly it had something to do with two posts I read recently that really got me thinking. Letting Go Of Pain From The Past With Compassion and When Another Person Makes You Suffer. They were very timely and I am feeling very good about working through these anger issues of mine. I am finding that I am not raging angry at all, I am changing. My anger is being rightfully felt, processed, and turned into compassion. The first step is to accept that it is ok to be angry. Anger is stirred for a reason, but I do not need to use my anger to attack or harm others.

That is not me anyway.

Side Note: Here is how my mom and I are different. After I told the moms that we missed the wedding ceremony I went and told my mom that I told them. She panicked, and said: “Why did you do you that? I was going to tell her on another day.” I told her I couldn’t handle the guilt, and I had to know that they were ok. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t tell them. My mom felt like it was worse to tell them on the wedding day. It turned out my way was better because mom was able to feel relief and comfort from our friend’s acceptance. My mom laughed at me though, she knew full well that I HAD to confess. I always do.

P.S. Those who received my panicked email about accidentally publishing my chaotic ramblings from last night in a completely unedited version using the WordPress App for the iPad that is a horrible grammar checker, and I cannot use a touch pad very well…deep breath. Sorry for all the typos and I am still not recovered so this post may be “all wacky tobaccy” too. HA! Thank you for not reading and deleting immediately. (Yes, I just created very long run-on sentence.)

Now for some Photos! Yee-Haw love me some barn weddings! (They did not turn out that great, but I got boot and shoe shots.)

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02/14/12

Good Times At The Movies

Finally! Mom and I got to go to see the movie The Artist. I know, I know I have been talking about it a lot. I REALLY wanted to take my mom, and I REALLY wanted to see it too. It surpassed all expectations for me. I cannot express how awesome it was. The details that were filtered throughout were incredible. Mom and I both wondered how many people caught them. Some of them were faintly embedded while others were so blatant that it could be missed because it seemed to blend right in. I am not giving anything way.

The storyline was fabulous.

The actors were wonderful, I could not take my eyes off of the screen except or a few parts where it was spinning. My vertigo was getting triggered. There was also a scene with close-ups of mouths that freaked me out and I could not look at that. It was an added detail though that made the movie brilliant. I just have a thing about mouths being all up in my face. Actually I have issues with people’s mouths anyway I try not to look too long at them because it freaks me out. Lol! My mom watches mostly black-and-white films. She does not venture far from her oldies movie channel. She does enjoy other movies — she has gone and does go to the movies with my sisters often.

They like chick flicks, and romantic comedies, and stuff like that.

It is very amusing for my mom to like romantic comedies nowadays because she flat out says she does not understand “love”. I am not sure her reasoning for liking the flicks, she says she just likes them, but my sisters have to explain why people are acting a certain way, looking at each other a certain way, or she is surprised to discover that the main characters in fact are in love. They get quite annoyed with it. I can do the same thing with movies, and shows. I can watch it and have no idea what is going on with the social situation. I tend ask questions a lot with social dynamics.

Maybe that is why I like odd movies or tragic love stories, I understand those. Ha ha ha

Anyway it was halfway through the movie and my mom leans over and said: “Oh, this is black-and-white” I started laughing. She then got excited because other people were watching a black-and-white movie with her. She sees black-and-white movies in color. She describes everything she sees in those films and I must say her colors sound much better than the colorized versions of some old films. She does not like them colorized, she finds it offensive. Hee hee She asked me questions about what the characters were doing too. She didn’t understand some of the facial expressions, but she knew most of them. I did not understand one time, I wasn’t sure if George was upset, overwhelmed, confused, mom said that he was upset because he felt like Peppy was giving him charity.

He felt worthless.

She had helped him out of caring for him, but he didn’t know that. My mom asked me if George and Peppy liked each other. She couldn’t tell what their feelings were. I said: “Yes, they loved each other.” It made me doubt my interpretation, and I had to scan over the movie in my mind. This is kind of a pivotal thing I need to grasp, if others do not see or feel what I feel I assume that I am wrong. I especially, do this with love. I have been surrounded with people my whole life who have told me that I am wrong about how people feel about me, or that I am wrong about emotions. However, I later discover that I was right on many occasions. It can confuse me, and cause me to doubt myself very much. Back to the movie. The great thing about this story was that they made you feel true affinity. The connection was there, the affections were displayed and it was done in a tasteful most endearing way. I liked that a lot, I understood without a whole bunch of dialog confusing it for me. It made me smile. Both of the actors I thought were just beautiful.

I enjoyed both of their charm.

It was funny when I was explaining the relationship between the characters to my mom. I was explaining affinity, and the connection that they had. She finally said:”Oh, I get what you are saying. I just don’t get IT.” She was scanning through all of her relationships and could not think of one person she had that connection to. I have only felt it once, I am not sure if others feel it more than once or not. It was an interesting moment though. I looked at my mom and she seemed indifferent. She did not feel like she had missed out on that connection, you can’t miss what you have never felt and do not comprehend. I understand what she means I call it my “blankness” where I really have no connection to something, or comprehension of it. It is not that I am blank — I just cannot pull up anything in my data to compare it to. Does that make sense? I think mine is more about how people express them not so much that I do not get it.

No, no that is not true sometimes I am completely clueless.

I get it if I have a direct connection to it. I get it if I am able to take a scene from my own life and apply it to the situation. Otherwise, I am just like mom in being unable to “get it”. Both of us came to the conclusion that we both understood the majority of the film, and enjoyed it because there was no confusing dialog. Their faces were animated and expressed their emotion without unnecessary words. Their faces matched what was being expressed. The thing that confuses us the most in film and real life is the inconsistency between words and facial expressions. People have a happy face while giving hidden messages through their words, body language, tone, and all of that is confusing. We do not know what or how to read that. The movie was clear, direct, and silent so there was not the usual large amount of the background noise to filter through.

When we walked out of the theater we noticed how calm we were.

Normally, I am so overloaded after a movie that I dash out of there. I did not know in the past what all of the visuals before the movie did to me, and I did not know that all of the sounds, smells, and people affected my sensory. I would feel incredibly stimulated and excited for a few hours, and then I would crash and feel like I got stampede by a bunch of rhinoceros. Mom and I both were very excited after the movie and could not stop talking about it. We were asking each other questions like: “Did you see that one thing?” or “How awesome was that scene with the glass?” or “Oh, my that was an awesome shot!”

We both were amazed at how calm and happy were.

The normal response is “Let’s get home as soon as possible.” A major factor here as well is that my mom had one of the worst days. Her workday went wrong from the time she got there until she left. She said she should have had several meltdowns, but she did not. She kept telling herself that she was going to see this movie and she only needed to make to 1pm and get out of there. She was not a happy camper when she arrived here, but she was trying very hard. The movie lifted her spirits and gave her a lot of smiles. Me too.

The music was awesome!

I truly enjoyed listening to music while watching the movie. I did get all excited and was soft clapping, bouncing in my chair, swinging my legs, and squeezing myself tightly sometimes throughout the film. It just made me so happy. We both had the loudest laugh in the theater. It was not crowded, and it was an older crowd so that made it calm. I did not take my coat or scarf off the whole time. I was wrapped in my black fake fur, fuzzy coat that I have had for about 10 years now. I love it too much, and it is like a security blanket or something. I was freezing, while my mom was very hot. It was funny — my mom is normally freezing like me.

I am babbling.

I do not want to give anything away, but I have to share this story because it is so funny. There was a scene where George is going to kill himself — Peppy is racing in the car to get to him. She cannot drive and she is weaving and swerving all over the place. She ends up hitting a tree, but before you see that the screen has the word “BANG!” fill the screen. As mom and I drove home talking about the movie, our social skills, (lack of) and how it would be so much better if everyone would just pretend that we were in a silent film, my mom said: ‘Oh, look the color of their car matches their house.” I look up to see (I was fidgeting with something and not paying attention.) the medium that we were about to hit, and the only word that flew out of my mouth was: “Mama!” She looked forward swerved out of the way and parked the car.

We could not stop laughing.

I haven’t called her mama since I was a child — I don’t know where that came from. It caught her attention though and she did not run into the medium. My sisters get so upset with her for doing things like that. She has not been in a collision with a car, (collisions with other things yes.) but she is always getting sidetracked with things like that. Watch out if she sees an airplane the world stops. We both thought of the movie, and she said well at least we didn’t hear “BANG!” We both lost it again laughing until our bellies hurt because both of us saw the picture in our head at the same time of the word from the movie. It struck us funny that we both did it at the same time. We want to go see the movie again. I am so glad that we got to experience it. It felt good to feel “normal” in a movie for once, and to feel “normal” afterward as well.

I did get on a happy high, and then crashed, but I am doing pretty well this morning.

Except feeling a little awkward for sharing some of the silliness from my mind with someone, sometimes I need to think a little longer before sharing. BLAH! I guess this awkwardness too shall pass with that particular situation….Barn Wedding tonight! Lol! Another random thing from my brain. Google’s Doodle is awesomely-perfectly-wonderfully-stupendous today. Yea! Google Valentine! I will take jump roping any day and that valentine.

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02/12/12

Social Frenzy Week

This week is packed full with social events. I am not anxious at all! (At the moment that is — it can change at any time.) Although the entire middle of my back is getting stiff, it is moving up to my neck, and my right shoulder is hurting. My body could be protesting. All of the things that I am doing I want to do. I think that makes a difference. I can hardly contain my excitement for tomorrow. The movie The Artist is here!! I am taking my mom to see it tomorrow afternoon. I had not given up my search to watch this movie in a theater. Even though I am not a fan of theaters nowadays, this movie MUST be seen in the theater. It is only here for this week and tomorrow is the only day we can go.

When I discovered that it was playing here I did jump up and down and got very excited.

My mom responded the same way when I told her only instead of jumping she clasped her hands together shaking them with excitement and clapped. She is more reserved than I am. We had a hard time deciding which day to go because we are booked this week. What? Yes, we are quite the socialites. We have been out and about a lot more lately, but my mom has been out of control. She even went to the play “The Rat Pack” with one of my sisters Friday night. It sounded great I wish I could have gone, but it was too pricey.

It was amusing listening to us yesterday trying to make plans to go to this movie.

Several months ago we had noticed how we basically trapped ourselves in our houses only venturing to “safe” places. When my mom came back from her cruise she was rejuvenated. She remembered how social she actually is. I was rejuvenated as well because I got a bunch of words out of me that needed to come out. My mom shared with me about my sister being very upset with me — not exactly with me there are other factors that play into this, I will not share. She has been upset because I have not been myself. She has made comments about me being a social person, and how I like to go out and do things. I have cut myself off from the world for several years. Both of my sisters here have been upset with me because their words “Sissy is not being herself.” They are right. I am social, I like people, and I enjoy doing new things and venturing out. I also have had other things in my life to cause me to stop being that person.

I do have my own anxiety about social activities, but it is because of the unknown.

It is mainly because I never know how people are going to respond to me, or if I have never experienced it I can have overwhelming anxiety because I don’t know what to expect. It’s not that I don’t want to go out and do things I do — it is that I can talk myself out of doing them. My mind will come up with every scenario that could possibly happen, and then the thoughts of “What if I have not thought of something?” It can throw me. I am able to hide it well in front of others, but it can be weeks before I am ok again. It wasn’t this difficult when I was able to take time by myself. I have not been able to get the downtime I need to process after a social event since having kids. That is not a complaint in the least, it is a fact. It is hard to process on a daily basis for me period — I am now responsible for helping three little ones learn how to process for themselves.

I will say it has been much easier to be a shut in instead of even attempting to deal with other people.

This week will be a challenge for all of us, but I think it will be good as well. Tomorrow I am leaving, and going to the movies with my mom. Yea! Tuesday we are going to a da… ta…da…da…BARN WEDDING! Ha! I cannot wait. I really like saying that I am going to a barn wedding. It sounds hilarious to me. I have so many visuals and I am afraid the wedding will not live up to my great expectations. Sigh…I am bringing my camera in hopes of some great barnage wedding footage. We will not be staying for the reception it will be too much, but I think for the kids to have an experience like this is great.

On Weds. David is taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I.

Yeah…I am not sure how that is going to go. David’s birthday is coming up and that is what he decided he wanted as his gift. Daniel cannot go to a theater. I am not sure how Ariel and Joshua are going to be able to handle it, but they are bringing their noise cancelling headphones. The 3D thing is a concern for me, and that they will be about half an hour away from me! I am not a helicopter mom, it is not that I do not trust David with his own children — it is just that they haven’t gone out with him before for that long or that distance away. It’s new for me and they are my babies. I hope someone understands what I mean.

On Thursday I am going to Bible study at moms.

This went really well last week. I was late and that threw me, but my friend was there and she got a new job working as a counselor with children/adults with ADHD, on the autism spectrum, as well as people suffering from depression and various issues. She feels overwhelmed because newcomers to these parts of the city are never welcome! Sometimes it feels like Deliverance around here. Oh, I kid! Well…kind of. Seriously, she was thrown into counseling sessions with adults that need serious help. She has all the schooling, is naturally able to talk to people, has spent two years being my friend and listening to all of my autistic issues, but when it is in real life situations with people you do not have a relationship with it is completely different. I feel for her because it is a new experience to actually meet people with the issues that she has learned about.

I am a good faker with that stuff so she never knew when I was really upset, or depressed.

I didn’t hide it on purpose it was the only thing I knew how to do. I was more open with her about my issues though, and I know that she will be great with helping others because she cares and sees the responsibility of her position. She also told them that if they did not talk to her and help her learn about her job, then she needed to quit. That changed their tune. Maybe her interactions with me will help see things in others. She is a counselor who will make a huge impact in people’s lives. I digress!! On Friday I am going to a play with my mom and sisters at the community theater. They do have art and culture on the island around here, though very small and limited still there is some. The play is Into the Woods.

And then Saturday we crash.

In celebration of crazy social week I made Homemade Gluten-Free Strawberry Shortcake with Airy Fluff! I even gave the kids a WHOLE one because I didn’t put much sugar in it. I made my own recipe for the shortcake biscuit like things — I forgot to write it down. I hope I can remember it because I even ate one and it was G-O-O-D. Indeed. I have a weakness for strawberries. I did sneak some puréed zucchini and squash into that shortbread. No one could taste it. My little secret. Hee hee I had to show pictures.

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01/27/12

Well That Was Interesting

Last night was to be my first dance class…was. I was doing very well throughout the day — I was pretty excited and nervous. Though a bit concerned because my ballet slippers had not arrived yet. (they did not) I decided to bring my other dance shoes — possibly I could pull it off for one night or even get a feel for the class before participating. After finally accepting, the fact that other people were going to see me in a leotard. L-E-O-T-A-R-D! Yes, that can be a huge source of anxiety for someone who has a skewed view of their body. Anyway, taking classes obviously trump all feelings of anxieties, and fears, or phobias because I REALLY want to do it.

I was still a bit nervous because I did not have my shoes.

I pushed those feeling back, and told myself whether they came or not I was going. Then, Joshua said several times throughout the day: “I don’t want mommy to go tonight.” he was talking to David. He also told me that he did not want me to go. I thought it was the strangest thing because Joshua is the one who practically pushes me out the door if he knows that he will have “Daddy” all night. I am serious this kid jumps up and down when I tell him I am going to the store because daddy is the better than chocolate. Not really, if I offered chocolate or David Joshua would pick chocolate. His loyalties only go so far, but the order goes like this Chocolate, Lego’s, Daddy, Star Wars, and then Mommy.

I am fine with that I completely understand his five year old thoughts when it comes to that.

I know where I am on his list so I found it very strange that he didn’t want me to go. I should have listened. I should have listened to my gut and not go because I didn’t have my shoes. I felt like I had to push myself though otherwise I would sink into anxiety. I got there on time, but the parking lot was packed. There were parents picking up their children and it was chaotic. I couldn’t find a parking spot and I drove to the other end, and found one. However, I could not tell if I was allowed to park there because it was for another business that was open. In haste I decided that I did not want to chance getting towed.

I went down and found a spot in front of the studio.

It looked tight, but I thought I could fit our minivan in there. It was between two monster trucks, everyone around here has monster trucks. I am not kidding they are the most gargantuan, insanely humungous trucks I have ever seen in one city. They fit them in tiny compact parking spaces and you have to practically climb out of your window like the Dukes of Hazards in small parking lots here. There was a couple in their huge truck waiting for their child on my left, and a white truck on my right. I thought that I had managed enough room, but the white truck was in my blind spot. I pulled in and scraped against the side, freaking out I pulled out scraping again. I panicked because I could not find a place to park to look at the damage. A guy came around out of his car and gave me a dirty look.

The couple looked at me with their mouths wide open.

I hurried to find a parking spot so I could get back to the scene as quickly as possible. I think they all thought I took off. I couldn’t find my insurance card since I was so shaken. I then, realized that I left the new one on the printer at home. I flung everything from the glove compartment around the car because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t find a pen, which normally there are at least three sitting around in the car. I ran back to the truck and the couple seemed very relieved to see me. I asked them if they had a pen and they told me that the guy was inside playing guitar. (They do guitar lessons as well.) I went inside and told the receptionist what had happened. I am not sure what I looked like or how I was behaving, but she was worried about me and told me that it would be alright.

The guy came out and I told him what had happened.

We went out to see his truck, and quite honestly it was not bad at all. There was a tiny dent, and paint that will come right off. Our car on the other hand looks much worse, but the door still opens so it will be fine. I was still startled, I couldn’t think. He asked me if I wanted to file a claim and I could not think. I didn’t have a phone on me. The man offered to let me use his phone. I tried to get hold of David, but we do not have the phone downstairs, so he did not hear it. The man offered to let me email David, but David did not receive the email. I was flustered. The receptionist was very nice and asked if I was picking up my child. I told her I was supposed to start the dance classes. She tried to get me focused on that while I waited to try David again. They only take cash or check.

I only had my bank card on me.

She was going to let me take the class anyway and I could pay next week, but I just couldn’t. I just needed to get home. The man and the receptionist both kept telling me that it was alright, it was an accident, and everyone has an accident. I am not sure what I looked like. I did keep apologizing because first I hit the guy’s car, then I used his phone, PLUS I interrupted his guitar lessons. I felt horrible. I have never hit anyone’s car, especially a parked one! I have only had two tickets in my entire life! I have been in one car accident where I was driving, but it was not my fault I was rear-ended. When I heard the scrape of the cars the sound sent my body into shock. I was already hypersensitive from social anxiety.

It made everything magnified.

The good thing is the guy was very kind, and seemed more worried about me. The receptionist and everyone that was in the waiting area were very kind and comforting. Several of the people thanked me for coming in to tell the guy. I thought that was odd, why wouldn’t I come in and tell him? I HIT HIS TRUCK! I had to tell him. I did a horrible thing! I do realize that my intense feeling about it is not shared with others, but I still feel awful for damaging another person’s possession. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I listen to Joshua? Why didn’t stay in that other parking spot?

It is all ok.

I am not going to let this stop me from going back. In the past I would never go back no matter how much I wanted to dance. I would have been consumed with embarrassment and guilt. I would have been looping about the other people who were staring at me in an odd way instead of staying fixed on the people who were being positive and comforting. It helped that both the receptionist and the guy said:”I’ll see you next week.” This is a huge thing for me to be able to get over. (Kind of over) I did go through a bit of shock last night. I couldn’t drive for a few minutes, and when I did try I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset with myself because the other thing that ran through my mind was that we do not have the money to pay for our car or his car. I just caused us senseless money loss.

I get really freaked out about things like that.

I could have stopped it, but now I am costing us money that is needed for other things. This line of thinking would have forced me to not continue with the classes as well. I would have punished myself for making a silly mistake. I shutdown when I got home after hyperventilating and crying in the front yard while I showed David what I did. He is not concerned with it at all. He said that it is not that bad. He then had to go to the store because I was in no position to go. I had planned on going after dance class.

I could only sit and watch shows when I finally settled down.

They made me laugh, and that helped a lot. I did continue to relive the event over and over like a movie in my head, I started craving sweets, which I normally do not, and I was shivering and felt like I was freezing even though I was bundled in warm clothes and a blanket. It seems so strange how I could go through such trauma with something so little, but all of my senses and emotions were heightened because I was trying something new. I was going to a new place. I was meeting new people. I did not have my shoes. I was going against my feeling to not go. My brain was processing a lot. Then, to damage something that belongs to someone else was devastating. I don’t know why it affects me like that. Also, the sounds, the crowds (The kids were swarming and so were their parents.), it was just a lot to take in.

Overall I am feeling positive, the damage is not that bad in hindsight and I am going back with no fears.

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Tag Archives: sensory overload

Star Wars At The Movies! Yea!…Eh…

May 2012
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