Last night was to be my first dance class…was. I was doing very well throughout the day — I was pretty excited and nervous. Though a bit concerned because my ballet slippers had not arrived yet. (they did not) I decided to bring my other dance shoes — possibly I could pull it off for one night or even get a feel for the class before participating. After finally accepting, the fact that other people were going to see me in a leotard.  L-E-O-T-A-R-D! Yes, that can be a huge source of anxiety for someone who has a skewed view of their body. Anyway, taking classes obviously trump all feelings of anxieties, and fears, or phobias because I REALLY want to do it.

I was still a bit nervous because I did not have my shoes.

I pushed those feeling back, and told myself whether they came or not I was going. Then, Joshua said several times throughout the day: “I don’t want mommy to go tonight.” he was talking to David. He also told me that he did not want me to go. I thought it was the strangest thing because Joshua is the one who practically pushes me out the door if he knows that he will have “Daddy” all night. I am serious this kid jumps up and down when I tell him I am going to the store because daddy is the better than chocolate. Not really, if I offered chocolate or David Joshua would pick chocolate. His loyalties only go so far, but the order goes like this Chocolate, Lego’s, Daddy, Star Wars, and then Mommy.

I am fine with that I completely understand his five year old thoughts when it comes to that.

I know where I am on his list so I found it very strange that he didn’t want me to go. I should have listened. I should have listened to my gut and not go because I didn’t have my shoes. I felt like I had to push myself though otherwise I would sink into anxiety. I got there on time, but the parking lot was packed. There were parents picking up their children and it was chaotic. I couldn’t find a parking spot and I drove to the other end, and found one. However, I could not tell if I was allowed to park there because it was for another business that was open. In haste I decided that I did not want to chance getting towed.

I went down and found a spot in front of the studio.

It looked tight, but I thought I could fit our minivan in there. It was between two monster trucks, everyone around here has monster trucks. I am not kidding they are the most gargantuan, insanely humungous trucks I have ever seen in one city. They fit them in tiny compact parking spaces and you have to practically climb out of your window like the Dukes of Hazards in small parking lots here. There was a couple in their huge truck waiting for their child on my left, and a white truck on my right. I thought that I had managed enough room, but the white truck was in my blind spot. I pulled in and scraped against the side, freaking out I pulled out scraping again. I panicked because I could not find a place to park to look at the damage. A guy came around out of his car and gave me a dirty look.

The couple looked at me with their mouths wide open.

I hurried to find a parking spot so I could get back to the scene as quickly as possible. I think they all thought I took off. I couldn’t find my insurance card since I was so shaken. I then, realized that I left the new one on the printer at home. I flung everything from the glove compartment around the car because I couldn’t think. I couldn’t find a pen, which normally there are at least three sitting around in the car. I ran back to the truck and the couple seemed very relieved to see me. I asked them if they had a pen and they told me that the guy was inside playing guitar. (They do guitar lessons as well.) I went inside and told the receptionist what had happened. I am not sure what I looked like or how I was behaving, but she was worried about me and told me that it would be alright.

The guy came out and I told him what had happened.

We went out to see his truck, and quite honestly it was not bad at all. There was a tiny dent, and paint that will come right off. Our car on the other hand looks much worse, but the door still opens so it will be fine. I was still startled, I couldn’t think. He asked me if I wanted to file a claim and I could not think. I didn’t have a phone on me. The man offered to let me use his phone. I tried to get hold of David, but we do not have the phone downstairs, so he did not hear it. The man offered to let me email David, but David did not receive the email. I was flustered. The receptionist was very nice and asked if I was picking up my child. I told her I was supposed to start the dance classes. She tried to get me focused on that while I waited to try David again. They only take cash or check.

I only had my bank card on me.

She was going to let me take the class anyway and I could pay next week, but I just couldn’t. I just needed to get home. The man and the receptionist both kept telling me that it was alright, it was an accident, and everyone has an accident. I am not sure what I looked like. I did keep apologizing because first I hit the guy’s car, then I used his phone, PLUS I interrupted his guitar lessons. I felt horrible. I have never hit anyone’s car, especially a parked one! I have only had two tickets in my entire life! I have been in one car accident where I was driving, but it was not my fault I was rear-ended. When I heard the scrape of the cars the sound sent my body into shock. I was already hypersensitive from social anxiety.

It made everything magnified.

The good thing is the guy was very kind, and seemed more worried about me. The receptionist and everyone that was in the waiting area were very kind and comforting. Several of the people thanked me for coming in to tell the guy. I thought that was odd, why wouldn’t I come in and tell him? I HIT HIS TRUCK! I had to tell him. I did a horrible thing! I do realize that my intense feeling about it is not shared with others, but I still feel awful for damaging another person’s possession. Why didn’t I listen to my gut? Why didn’t I listen to Joshua? Why didn’t stay in that other parking spot?

It is all ok.

I am not going to let this stop me from going back. In the past I would never go back no matter how much I wanted to dance. I would have been consumed with embarrassment and guilt. I would have been looping about the other people who were staring at me in an odd way instead of staying fixed on the people who were being positive and comforting. It helped that both the receptionist and the guy said:”I’ll see you next week.” This is a huge thing for me to be able to get over. (Kind of over) I did go through a bit of shock last night. I couldn’t drive for a few minutes, and when I did try I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset with myself because the other thing that ran through my mind was that we do not have the money to pay for our car or his car. I just caused us senseless money loss.

I get really freaked out about things like that.

I could have stopped it, but now I am costing us money that is needed for other things. This line of thinking would have forced me to not continue with the classes as well. I would have punished myself for making a silly mistake. I shutdown when I got home after hyperventilating and crying in the front yard while I showed David what I did. He is not concerned with it at all. He said that it is not that bad. He then had to go to the store because I was in no position to go. I had planned on going after dance class.

I could only sit and watch shows when I finally settled down. 

They made me laugh, and that helped a lot. I did continue to relive the event over and over like a movie in my head, I started craving sweets, which I normally do not, and I was shivering and felt like I was freezing even though I was bundled in warm clothes and a blanket. It seems so strange how I could go through such trauma with something so little, but all of my senses and emotions were heightened because I was trying something new. I was going to a new place. I was meeting new people. I did not have my shoes. I was going against my feeling to not go. My brain was processing a lot. Then, to damage something that belongs to someone else was devastating. I don’t know why it affects me like that. Also, the sounds, the crowds (The kids were swarming and so were their parents.), it was just a lot to take in.

Overall I am feeling positive, the damage is not that bad in hindsight and I am going back with no fears.

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On Monday what looked like a Yin-Yang showed up in my coffee and I thought that was so funny. I had to take a picture. Yesterday I woke up to a yellow sky. I came out of the bedroom and through the window the sky was smiling yellow right at me. I had to take a picture. I have painted several paintings and have listened to some quite lovely music. In the midst of all of this the kids are still doing well after the big holiday hooray. I have been waiting for the ball to drop. It still has not, so I have been trying to keep focused, and accept this peaceful state.

The kids and I are just taking it easy.

We will start back to school next week. They have been playing with their new toys, and watching movies. The ones that have been on repeat are Megamind and How to Train Your Dragon. Both of which I am fond of so yea! Oddly Joshua is the one having a bit of a rough time this year. He has just been cranky and argumentative about the accuracy of stories, and Star Wars. It has been strangely calm overall…Alright I am taking it easy a little bit — I did read this Girls on the Spectrum: Q&A with the Author of Aspergirls and thought it had some great information in it. It taps on subjects that I have spoken about regarding myself. I will say again anything that I read that helps give me confirmation that I am not the only one helps me. The thing with my anxiety and random social fears is that it can temporarily make me forget certain truths.

Such as we are NOT alone.

When anxiety hits it seems to knock out my ability to remember that what I feel and deal with many others also experience. Accepting my anxiety and not feeling bad for having it is helping, but irrational thoughts still arise. It is good for me to continue to read things that remind me that it is ok to be this way, and that I am not going to miraculously change. I am how I am and Ooh La La that is all I will say. Hee hee

Given that I am not harmful, or destructive to myself of course.

I have been thinking about why I drank in the past lately. It is directly linked to some of my past relationships, I am sure that is why I have been thinking about it. I may talk about this in more detail with relationships and alcohol in a future post. This section of the Q & A got me thinking even more about it.

Do you think girls self-medicate in other ways too?

I have been asked that. I’ve interviewed many people and asked if they drink recreationally or smoke pot, and what I’m finding is we like to use drugs in small doses. But because our bodies are so intolerant, it almost seems like we can’t abuse [drugs too much] because we get so sick. We are so sensitive even to vitamins or prescription drugs. We tend to need one-third of what other people need.

-Rudy Simone-

I have not been a fan of drugs in anyway, but me and drugs…very bad…very bad.

That includes over-the-counter and prescription drugs. Painkillers make me hyper and they do not ease much pain, I have more luck with ibuprofen. Sleeping pills keep me awake and wired, NyQuil makes me pass out and feel drunk the next morning. Sinus medicine makes me feel like I am on speed. If I take a full dose of a multivitamin I will get hot flashes and dizzy. Anti-depressants make me feel suicidal. Um…yeah, drugs and me bad…very bad. When I did drink it was not recreational, I was on a mission. My purpose for drinking was to get drunk so I could be social. I would also drink so I would not think about anyone touching me. I used it to help me override my anxiety. I used it to block out my sensory issues. I used it to stop my brain from constantly analyzing. I would drink so I could sleep, really I would drink until I passed out.

I could not stop my brain from thinking and linking things causing me to think about more things.

I spent many nights alone with my books, movies, and music when I drank. It would drown out all of the loops from the conversations of the day. Or the situations that I was living in. Sometimes, like now, I could not make the loops stop. Although, in the last few months I have managed to get a grip on this by filtering it through writing, or directly telling the person that I am looping. This has helped to stop irrational fears as well.

I didn’t want to drink.

Many times it made me sick, there were several occasions where I believe the only reason I did not die from alcohol positioning was because I made myself get sick. I was not a good drunk. I don’t know if there really is a good drunk, but I mean my emotions, sensory issues, or social anxiety would manifest through different means when I was drunk. I thought it was helping, but it was actually making me worse. I think I could just get away with more things because I could say that I was drunk. I will not go into detail, but it is just not good for me. I had to stop drinking altogether because I cannot drink in moderation. Even now it has been so long that having a small glass of wine makes me all freaky Friday.

So I do not touch anything.

It is much like drugs, vitamins, and certain types of chemicals in food. They can mess with my mind and body. I am prone to addictive behavior, but now I see that much of that was because I would not allow myself to stim. Actually, I cannot think of anything now that I am showing that type of behavior with…maybe pictures, and reading information. I believe that allowing myself to paint has helped also. It is a good stim for me because I just paint whatever. I have no ambitions to be a great painter it just feels good. It has helped me in many ways to allow myself to attempt the things that I had previously told myself I was not allowed to do.

As I was writing this I wondered what my purpose for this post was.

I believe it is so I can see how far I have come. I spent a lot of time feeling guilty and shameful for drinking so much. I didn’t do stupid things other than get in heated arguments with people (mostly guys who I found to be obnoxious) when I was drunk. I did fall a few times, but I do that when I am not drunk so who cares. I just took a chunk of guilt feelings and eliminated them by writing this. I did what I had to do to survive during that time. It was the only coping mechanism I knew. Later it became God and church, I see how that can be detrimental as well. Now I am not forcing myself to do things that I don’t want to. I am not making myself feel bad for things that I am incapable of doing. I do not feel guilty, or wrong. I am finding that Yin-Yang state that I asked for in prayer for such a long time. In actuality I am starting to accept my balance. And I am very thankful for my yellow Tuesday that I have been waiting forever to see in reality.

I truly do not need to drink or do drugs for recreation because my world is already quite “trippy”.

Here are the pictures to prove it. I seem to be using a lot of blues in many of my paintings the last couple months. I guess I am in my blue period, though I am no Picasso…indeed. :- ) The Yin-Yang started to spread out before I could grab the camera so it’s not as tightly shaped as it was at first.

Added December 29th: I just realized that I wrote this on Monday “All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.” Then Tuesday morning the sky was yellow, how funny! Maybe it’s just my perception and I made up the yellow sky…but I do have other witnesses so I guess they are trippy too.

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This Christmas has been very surprising for me. I not only got some great gifts, but I am genuinely happy. I don’t know how to respond to myself. It is such an odd feeling that I don’t know how to take it in. I may sound really wacky, but it’s true. I have not been happy during the holidays in so long that I cannot even remember the last time. It was a great day yesterday at my mom’s house. The kids didn’t get too overloaded, my mom and I were both relaxed. We talked…well I probed her for more family history, while David kept the kids entertained.

Mom and I do not get to have many uninterrupted conversations.

I get this longing to want to know my ancestry during the holidays. There is so much history that I do not know, I think I want to know about it to help me feel connected. I am a bit obsessed with my German ancestors for various reasons, but one that I find fascinating is that they were frontiers. My great-great (something my mom cannot give the exacts)  grandmother and grandfather along with other family members came over from Germany, went to Pennsylvania and then took three wagons to Missouri. Some of them split off to Illinois as well. I think it is so intriguing to hear about and to think about them being actual homesteaders. My grandmother has all of the legal documents, with pictures and other items. I have not seen them yet.

I watched a series of PBS shows that I thought were so exciting and when I watched them it made me think of my ancestry.

My favorite was Frontier House. Although I am prone to be fixated on WWII, they had a 1940′s house that I liked as well. Ok I liked them all — except for the silly social dynamics that were going on. I enjoyed watching them experiencing those times with our current mindset. That was an interesting dynamic. It seems so difficult to live in those times now, but the human spirit is strong and adaptable so I guess it would work somehow. Here are the other ones I watched:

1900 House

Manor House

Regency House Party

I really enjoyed researching more history about them after I watched them. I was on a period piece kick during the time and watching all kinds of movies during each era. Wow! I digress…So as I was saying yesterday my mom and I were able to enjoy each other. We haven’t done that in a very long time, the kids were great, and everyone was fairly calm. I sat in pure joy wearing my new boots that she got me. She also made me a hat and scarf that I wanted. David made the comment about me having so many winter items in my wardrobe it seems like I do not belong here. The fact is, I freeze in 100 degree weather so yes, I can be found in boots and hat at any time of the year.

As I sat on the couch at her house I was in a happy place.

David accused me of having a “bootgasm”. Blah! I was very happy with my boots. They do look similar to the other ones I got several days ago, BUT they are distinctively different. They have a lovely zipper going up the side that the others do not. I had to explain to my mom every detail down to the stitch showing her that they were different. She really didn’t care, but I had to show her the clear differences. Had to! As I sat on the couch, enjoying my boots, scarf, and hat I just felt at peace. It was calm, and I felt happy/sad. I seem to always be happy and sad at the same time, but it felt different this year. I do not know how to explain it. Well at least I can say that I am peaceful. David even commented later in the evening about how calm I was.

I am not usually like this.

Honestly, each year I am a mess by the time Christmas is here and I am usually full of anxiety. I will feel tense and sick, and just want everything over with as quickly as possible so I can pretend it will not happen again next year. I didn’t sleep very well last night, but I woke up calm. I have made a lot of changes in my thinking, and helping myself not to loop this year. I believe that and allowing myself to just be me has helped a lot too. The ability to be constructive with my thoughts and using them in a creative outlet instead of trying to figure out “why” I am having them has released me from a tremendous amount of anxiety.

The kids had a great morning.

It was great to see David open the presents that the kids picked out for him as well. David took them to get me presents also. It was so funny to see what they picked. Ariel picked out a sock monkey and leg warmers. Joshua got me a cook book with over 600 recipes for cookies. (hint, hint) Daniel got me a big soft red blanket. To my surprise David got me an iPod Shuffle.

I was not expecting anything.

And now I confess my love for yet another device. It is so teeny and cute! I love my tiny little Shuffle! I even love his tiny little box. I admit I did not want to open any of my presents because they were wrapped in wonderful number wrapping paper. I am known for ripping wrapping paper without a thought and tossing it all over. I did not want to do that to all the numbers dancing over the paper. After much coaxing from Ariel I finally did. There were some major hits around here. One my mom got for Daniel they are called Hexbugs. He LOVES them. He said that they are his pets and they are named Daniel.

Ariel has been waiting for her Dragon Fortress and is elated to finally have it.

Joshua had waited “forever” for his Lego General Grievous Starfighter and is a very happy camper now. The kids picked out The Big Bang Theory Trivia game (I may actually like that one, I like trivia games…sometimes) and Star Wars Monopoly for David. I am having loads of fun on my computer staring at my sock monkey and iPod Shuffle.   I am going to be getting some tunes put on my little fella. I am off of here leaving with some lovely pictures.

Addition at 4:32 pm: My mom just left and as she was leaving she said: “This Christmas definitely goes down in history as one of the best.” She too is feeling the happy state even after leaving my sister’s house and stopping by here. We are calm, happy, and even got good gifts this year. It’s a Christmas miracle!

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Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven.   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

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I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers.   I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)

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I am not talking about the kids. This holiday season has been a little different from the past. We have been doing a lot more social activities this year, and it has been good overall. Today is the first day that we have been home in several days, two weeks I believe. I may have to take my grandma to the airport later today, and I am taking Joshua out shopping tonight. I decided to take each child out alone with me so they could pick out presents for each other and for daddy. It has gone very well. Ariel had a wonderful time, and she loved thinking of things to get for them. Daniel was a lot more into it than I thought he would be. He did have a lot of fun and said: “I wish I could take a cart home.” I have taken them to Target and plan on taking Joshua there as well.

Maybe it is because I was raised in a Target and I worked there for long that I do not get as overwhelmed.

I do feel like Target is much calmer than Wal-Mart again that may be because I know Target. My mom started working there when I was 5 or 6 years old I think and stayed with them for around 23 years. Something like that. Anyway I am partial so maybe I am prejudiced against Wal-Mart. I bring this up because there are certain stores that can make me cry. It usually happens when I have been under tremendous amounts of stress, social anxiety, worried about finances, or the HOLIDAYS!

One of the grocery stores around here has made me cry.

It has on several occasions played songs that I have not heard in years that trigger certain happy/sad memories. BUT I will include that it is one of the coldest stores around here, the lights flicker, and the deli smell makes me gag every time I go in there so those could be a large contributing factor to my heightened sensitivity. I have had to go to the store practically every night, with or without a child. I had to go to Target the other day by myself and I decided to check out the boots. The kids ruined my last pair of tall black boots that I had since 1998. Well I do have one other pair of black knee high boots, but those have a heel and pointy toe so they are not the same at all. (Shoe obsession)

I went down the aisle and there was a perfect pair of knee high black boots, low heel so I could wear them whenever.

They were on clearance and only one pair for my size 8 feet. I grabbed them and put them in the cart. I then had a conversation with myself about being selfish and that I really should not get them. I then cried in the middle of the boot aisle at Target. The tears were a mix of feeling guilty, feeling stress about money, feeling the Christmas stress, feeling the stress of the kids meltdowns (though nowhere near what they have been like in the past), and the feeling of being so alien in this world. Some of this is not new — I have had it my whole life.

The holidays are so hard because of all the social dynamics, and people acting differently.

Since I have been out a lot more this year I think that my sensory issues have heightened a lot of this. I decided to get the boots and return them if we could not afford them. Thankfully I was able to keep them without guilt. The kids are having a good Christmas because we purchased gifts throughout the year while they were on clearance. (and with family blessing us as well) I will hardly buy myself anything because my first thought is we have bills and we need food. I think to myself if I spend such and such amount on something that takes away from something else. It is hard to justify getting anything for me unless it is really cheap.

I got over my crying at Target and thought that I would be ok.

I ended up having to go to Wal-Mart several days later. There is nothing in one store around here! I have to go to five different stores to get everything and they are spread all across town. It is annoying even in a small town. AND now they have just built a Kohl’s store right across the street to taunt me for several reasons, one being my weakness for Kohl’s clearance. I am not a big frivolous shopper, but that store and Target tempt me like no other with their clearance. Well when I had money to spend. Again I am all over the place, sorry.

I went to Wal-Mart and felt completely overwhelmed in the parking lot.

I went inside trying to focus and get what I needed, as to try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I couldn’t, I couldn’t remember why I was there, I couldn’t find my list, and I couldn’t remember where I put it. I normally check my person about three times before I enter a store. I check for my list, I check for my card, and I check for my keys. I had a purse that night, which I normally do not have. I forgot to check it. I stood in the front of the store completely lost. I know the entire layout of this store there is no reason for me to get lost. I was lost in the front! I finally remembered that I needed to pick up pictures and I went to get them. It required me to stand in line and wait that was good because I was able to locate my list and check for my keys and card to ease my mind.

After I left there I was still fuzzy headed, and freaking out because I was spending more money.

I went to the boys section to get them some pants because they only have a couple of pairs pajama pants. I stood in the middle of the boys section feeling like I was being swallowed up by the store and started to sob uncontrollably. I had my face in my hands and just cried. I couldn’t stop. One of the employees asked if I was alright, and I looked at her and laughed with my face dripping with tears. She must have thought I was mad. I wiped off my face, got some pants, and went over to the Kleenex section to take care of my nose. As I went throughout the store I continued to have tears if anyone looked at me, they would just start streaming.

I had floods of thoughts about feeling so alone.

It was not the lonely sad kind of feeling it was the lonely feeling misunderstood feeling. I looked around at all of the people and everyone seemed so capable. They looked like they were having fun or maybe it was the feeling of belonging that I saw. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because I am incapable of being ok when I am off schedule for days. When my shampoo/conditioner bottles are not aligned in my shower because the kids keep messing with them and when my house is not as clean as I want it. When I have to go to stores on multiple occasions, and their lights and smells bother me. When I am surrounded by people and I cannot relate to them. When I feel like I am walking outside of my body everywhere I go. When my grandma is leaving today, AND when I have not had any alone time.

I think I just need a break.

I think it’s funny that I tend to lose all control in the middle of stores or in their parking lot. It is not a bad thing it is acknowledging that I am overwhelmed and it is ok if I cry in Wal-Mart. I am not mad, I just don’t like that store so much it makes me cry. No, I am kidding. I needed to write this to let others know that if you are crying too it’s ok. Maybe we should pick a store and start to have weekly cry meetings. We can have sensory/social overload groups every holiday season. I am glad that my meltdowns have turned to tears and laughing fits because before I used to be a rager. One time I kicked a plastic dog and broke my toe. I felt horrible for that dog, he was fine though. My toe is still not even years later. :-/ I put him in the garage sale mom and I had this weekend, it went well.

After today, I think I am going to get some paints and canvases and have a little quiet time.

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I have had a love affair with the iPad this month. I have used it with the kids for some time now, and it is great for them. Though I do have to limit it because it is quite visually stimulating. I have not heard of other parents talk about this, but if I let them stay on for too long, even over 15 minutes depending on the app they get brain frenzied. There are certain educational apps that are better than others in this area. They are not as stimulating and do not cause a serious overload, but it also depends on how the kids are feeling on that day. They can either go in brain shutdown or complete overload. I am not sure if others experience this too with their kids. Everything I have read speaks about how great it is for their autistic child. (Or maybe I have heard of something, but I am so out of it I can’t remember.)

Oh, well every child is different.

Personally I only used it off and on, I was fascinated by it and wanted to play with it, but it did make me very dizzy. There was too much movement and my head would feel off after going on there. I don’t play games so I wanted to do other things on it, but would get too vertigo-ish feeling. BUT when I had the flood of words coming out of me and I couldn’t stop I needed a computer attached to me as I was with the kids, or sat at my mom’s dog sitting, or whatever I was doing. The kids would do some school work and I worked on the iPad. How did I remedy my dizzy dilemma? I hooked up a keyboard to it and for some reason it seemed to help me. I didn’t have the same problems as I had before.

My theory is that having to use the touch pad and then trying to type as well was too much for my brain to process.

Possibly there was too much concentration going into pulling up, trying to remember where the letters and numbers were, putting it back down, going back to one app, then to another, going to Safari, then back to my documents, searching, having to use my fingers differently, and the many other things that were requiring me to think longer than I normally have to. Change, and it’s not mine. I am used to tapping the keyboard keys and most everything is right there for me. I truly became much faster and less chaotic once I attached the keyboard. I also had to get over my whole feeling that the iPad was tainted.

I have been rather rambunctious about getting my own iPad.

David doesn’t understand, and I am not sure how to explain it. I JUST WANT MY OWN! I don’t want anyone else touching it. Just like my computer. I do not want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, licking it, nothing! It’s my PC and I want my own iPad. Yes, I can be quite the child when it comes certain technological devices. I want my own mp3 player, with no one touching it or knowing what I have on there. I used to be that way about the TV, but not so much anymore, although I am quite the dictator over what is allowed on it. I am this way with my books, my school stuff, my clothes, my shoes, MY STUFF. It’s mine. However, we cannot afford another iPad so I have to share.

After having kids my attitude has changed in the area of sharing, nothing is mine.

EXCEPT my PC, and one day I will have my own iPad to fall madly in love with and keep by my side. I will hug him, and squeeze him, and love him forever. Until then I will just have to share, and have affairs off and on while the kids or David are not using it. Who knew a lovely flat screen, little beauty could make me so happy, it has so many wonderful apps for me to use, it plays whatever music I want, movies, and let’s me type to it, and talk to it forever without ever tiring of my topics. It seems genuinely interested. It helps locate information, feeds my brain with knowledge and ideas, and NOW I can have all of that in my lap! Not like a bulking laptop, that crashed on me and abandoned me in my time of need. I won’t talk badly of him, but Mr. Laptop could have tried a little harder. He wasn’t as cool anyway. iPad and I will be a bit more involved in the coming weeks. Hm..Maybe I should try the keyboard with the kids.

Yes, I love the iPad, and I am not ashamed. (Until I get my own, I kid! maybe)

Oh! Look at him.

Yes, I did spend entirely too much time looking up iPads, and accessories. And I did end up spending too much time looking at other gadgets as well. It is a weakness. “I Love Technology” Can you tell I have gone into silly sensory/social overload? Meltdown mode right around the corner I am sure! Maybe not if I keep making myself laugh.

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Yes! It’s the brain I am interested in. You will know what I am talking about if you watch this video. “Ask Dr. Tony” October 2011 – Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and “Intellectual Orgasms” People misinterpreting my intentions with me being intellectually stimulated by them has caused me some great problems in the past. There is a lot there for me to process. I love a good brain that I can ask a billion questions of and have a “Intellectual Orgasms” as Dr. Tony Attwood states in the video. A lot of the time my interest in men has been interpreted as having different motives by them, their girlfriends, or my significant others, and in many cases I have been sickened and confused by discovering that someone thought I had other intentions. My intensity in wanting to hear what people have to say about my special interests or other intriguing things makes me seem a bit too “friendly”. I have had girls misinterpret me as well thinking that I was interested in them in a more intimate way.

Those things usually do not cross my mind in conversation. 

I admit I do tend to have asexual qualities about me in the broadest sense. Shh! Taboo! I can define it like this, I am definitely more interested in someones mind and what ideas they have to share than physical attraction. I have been attracted to people, but it is not the same as what “normal” people feel. I do tend to be attracted to parts of people and the largest part is their mind. It is rare that I find the whole person as a complete attraction for their mind and physical, friend or otherwise. I do have to have a certain physical attraction, not in the sexual sense toward friends.

They have got to have certain features that I find appealing.

It does not have to be everything about them, if I enjoy their mind and certain features it works well. Though I will add that the features do not have to be attractive in the “world” sense it is what I find attractive. I had one friend that I thought was fabulous because their hair was all curly and wild. It was ok because they never tried to pretend that they were perfect. Their personality and mind fit their hair so it became an attraction and made me smile. Other friends or boyfriends I would be attracted to the color of their eyes, hair, or possessions they had, like books or music. Things that intrigue me are attractive to me.

I am accepting this about myself.

It is hard to admit and very hard for people to understand when I try to explain it. They seem to always have hurt feelings. It is quite helpful to watch videos like this so that I won’t feel guilt or shame for loving a mind more than a body. I feel quite exposed here, but I think it is something that should be talked about. I have been researching and watching documentaries about love, marriage, sex in the United States, and really digging into the stigmas and ideologies that are wrapped into these things. My findings have led me to the history of marriage and the development to what the current ideology in most of the Western cultural mindset. I have been looking into this for months and find it very interesting.There were times in my life that I never wanted to get married and I was told that wasn’t right. I was also condemned for living with my boyfriends. The pressure to marry was intense. I found (find) it confusing and a double-edged sword.

I have no answers about relationships or marriage.

I am not going to get into discussions about marriage or relationships because the bottom line is every relationship is different and you never know what is going on in people’s lives. Plus I have no clue! I cannot and will not make a judgement against people and their relationships, it has been done against me too many times to count. And there is a whole other gamut when it comes to being on the Autism spectrum and being in relationships. There are no simple answers and there are many other factors to consider. Enough of my rant for the day here are some videos I watched. Some may not be PG, just sayin’.

OMG! Yes, I am so happy for this first video! Thank you, Dr. Tony!

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Feelings

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Relationships

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Sexuality

Inside Out: My Life With Asperger Syndrome  (I could relate to such of this video)

I found this documentary very interesting as well dealing with sex in America.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I found this one to be very eye opening in a lot of areas.

51 Birch Street

The website 51 Birch Street

I need to watch this whole documentary again, it had a lot of information to process.

The Mystery of Love on PBS

PBS site

Very interesting article.

Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart

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I watched some of this video (link at the bottom) yesterday, I am currently watching the rest of it and writing this. So far, I find it to be a very good video, I do not like the narrators voice though. It is kind of bothering my body. Sorry lady. Temple Grandin is giving details into the autistic mind. I really like how the video is using visual descriptions to give a more realistic feel for the people watching. I find it interesting that Temple used Google as an illustration as how her mind works, I just wrote that in one of my posts about my own brain. After I wrote that post, I also found where she said that her brain was like a web browser.

I have been describing my brain in computer terms for some time, but not that openly out of fear of sounding idiotic.

However, it never really clicked for me until I read her simple explanation in one of her books about communication, describing the autistic child’s brain using an illustration with computers. When I read that all of the information that I had gathered about computers flooded my brain and finally at that moment I understood how my brain works. It was a pivotal moment for me because all my life I felt like both sides of my brain were fighting against each other, but when I understood how my brain processed it showed me a way to start making them work cohesively. (Ironically there is a Yin-Yang reference about the brain later in the video, I had not seen that part yet when I wrote this.) I am still a work in progress with all of that, but the more that I relate to myself and see and read things that help me understand myself I am able to find my balance.

The video describes the different types of the autistic mind.

As I watched it I discovered that my brain cannot be labeled under one. I tend to have a mix of the various types of autistic mind mentioned, I am a pattern, abstract, word, and auditory thinker. Although predominantly I am a word thinker, but they all flow and work together. I think there are many of us like that, and I would hate to see autistics be limited to certain types of thinking. I do think that it is a good thing to have these explained. I do think that it is very important for people to have videos like this bring understanding, but not to be limited under labels.

The emphasis on seeking early intervention is a great message.

I believe that the early intervention that we did with Daniel was what helped him find his way of communication and later his speech. They talk about sensory issues, which I think is awesome too. Many of the things that the parents in the second segment describe was exactly how Daniel was in many areas. I came up with makeshift therapy tools around here to help him. Echolalia is something that Daniel and I both do, I have done it my whole life and so has my mom. I learned to keep myself silent and do it in my head, at times though my mouth will move or I say it outloud anyway. We have scripted responses, I used films, books, and music to help me know what words to use in conversations. I did not realize that I did this, it had become so automatic for me to pull up pattern or situation and apply the phrases that I had stored.

You can hear Daniel walking around the house repeating scripts to himself at any given moment.

He is doing it right now playing with Joshua. He is repeating what Joshua is saying and mimicking what Joshua is doing with the Lego’s, then repeating Joshua’s words. In recent months he has been repeating and mimicking, but then also adding his own thoughts or ways of playing. He has been adding to the conversation and using his imagination in more creative ways. Back to the video, I like how the parents have become positive about their son. I like how they are accepting of him, and see the need to advocate for adult services as well. I am stopping my writing now, it is on the segment about crisis situations. (I’m back for a second) Oh, I just watched the last segment with Deborah Lipsky, wow! She just described where I am at and gave great defining factors between tantrums and meltdowns as well.

I recommend watching the video I see it as a positive and enlightening one.

(Apparently I was clapping and laughing at the end of the video without realizing it, while David was trying to talk to the kids. He almost said: “Stop it Daniel.” HA! Giggle, giggle learned or genetic clapping, I am unsure. )

Making Our Way: Autism

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As I tried to describe my “feelings,” I still didn’t do a very good job. I guess in thinking it over, I did articulate that I have a difficult time articulating overwhelming emotions. Those emotions are completely different to me than my everyday emotions that I have labeled happy, sad, angry, and fearful. The other emotions that are more intense are confusing because I am not sure where they are coming from. I have been discerning much better between my feelings and others, but it is still a struggle at times. I can feel people close to me, even if they are all the across the world from me. However, I do not know that it is their emotions. I tend to start feeling deep sadness or the opposite, what David calls my “manic” state. I am not delusional or think of myself in a grandiose way, I am just pouring out uncontrollable happiness.

I usually start writing tons of poems or stories when I am feeling either of those.

In the past, I spent hours looping about why I was feeling those things, but recently I have just accepted it. I use it to write and it makes me much calmer. I later find out from friends or family that something has happened that I was feeling. I have been overwhelmed with heartbreak beyond words, I have sat and sobbed because my heart hurt so badly. It was more intense when I was volunteering in prayer ministries. Also, I would have very intense moments when I was on intercessory prayer teams, (yes that is what they were called). I would be affected for days after praying for someone in specific areas. At times it would feel like I was beaten up, mentally exhausted, and unable to shake off foreboding feelings. I believe that I am too sensitive for such personal prayer intervention for people that I am not close to. I do pray for people that I feel led to pray for, but I limit my praying to those I know.

Some may disagree with me, but they are not me and have no idea what God and I are talking about.

I do what is best for my own mental and physical health. There have also been times when I have been unable to contain my joy. It has made people look at me in odd ways, but normally they can’t help, but laugh or share in my joy. I do not always know why. Both are extremes that are hard for me to handle and it may be that in order for me to protect myself from feeling so much, I have limited my emotions to basic terms. My complete heartbreak hurts so badly that I do not know how to handle it. My extreme joy is an overpowering love that I cannot stop from letting flow out. Both have caused me to loop, and both have caused me complete confusion. I am getting a grip on these emotions, now that I understand more about my form of empathy, my sensitivity to my environment and the “feel” of others, the consideration of being sensory sensitive and how that can affect my emotions, my diet, and that I have not made all of this stuff up.

I feel them, but I do not know what they are, and many times who they belong to.

I am working on another post about looping that may shed some more light on this, but I needed to write this chunk out. I realized that I make myself sound pretty limited in my emotional feelings. It is quite the contrary, I have learned to hide and pretend that my emotions do not exist. I have been very good at convincing myself that I do not have emotions, any feelings I have are false, and above all NEVER let anyone know that I feel. I made a rule in my head after being heartbroken to never let it happen again. I generalized my pain to categories of people, and then made up rules to follow to protect myself from being hurt. If a best friend broke my heart, I would not allow a best friend to do that again. If a family member broke my heart, I would not allow that to happen again. If a co-worker hurt me…well you get the picture.

Slowly walls started to surround, but they did not stop the loops.

They did not stop the intense pain or reliving the events. I wish I could say that I had a lot more joyful moments. My loops and negative associations have caused them to be hidden from me. They are rising back up and getting in their proper place, but I first have to acknowledge them, reclaim them, and connect them. I am having a lot of success working through this process. Many things that I was feeling over the weekend did not consume me or cause me to shut down. I felt sad, but was able to be happy with the kids. I was not consumed with looping about why I was feeling a certain way. I wrote when I could and let it all go. I was at peace, and it has been so long since I have felt that. Realizing that it is ok to accept the heartbreak along with the pure joy has given me freedom to write what I want without a care of judgment or worry about how someone will feel. I like using extremes and fabrications in my writing to help me find balance. They say that you should write about what you know, I know extremes. I am claiming my stories, poems, and emotional outbursts.

They are mine, and it’s ok to feel them and express them. (And this time I really mean it. lol!)

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