Tag Archives: sensory issues

04/2/12

I’m Baaaaccckkkk!

On Friday, I was a complete spaz! Actually, all week I was off and on again with being calm, excited, sad, or plain goofy. My anxiety was tiptop! I soared with good and bad anxiety it was fueled by anticipation. All kinds of anticipation. You name it I probably thought of it and tried to prepare for it. Anyone ever see Doomsday Preppers I could have been placed in that category until the last hour before my mom came to pick me up. However, it was only mentally, I had not prepared for anything in the physical realm. I finally was able to pack, get showered, gather snacks, and water for the two and half hour trip an hour before mom got here. After about thirty hugs from the kids, mom and I were off to Savannah. When we got into the car both of us were calm and excited. (Before you go any further, I did get sidetracked and seem to be bouncing in different directions in this post. It also contains a numerous amount of smiley faces. You have been warned.  :-) )

The road trip was awesome.

It was the first time my mom and I have had solid hours of uninterrupted conversation since…I think my sister was born! :-) Many things were discussed — I am not sure how we ended up on one particular conversation, but we did.  Most likely, it was me because it was about relationships and I have a special interest when it comes to relationships. This led to our discussion about her ex-husband. It transpired into how he ended up leaving. I am not sure if I have shared the story before, but I am not going to share all of the details today. During this particular discussion, my mom triggered a key event that I had blocked completely. I did not realize the trauma I went through, or that I completely blocked it. My mom was out of town for a week for work when the event happened. While she was gone, I found my stepfather with another woman. A woman that I had already caught him on the phone with overhearing him tell her that he loved her. I had also already busted him with bags of marijuana.

I told my mom previously about the phone situation and the marijuana.

When I walked in on them, I freaked out and called my mom. She shut down and could not do anything about it because she was three states away. She had to stay for her job, and she said that she would take care of it when she got home. The short story was I lied to my stepfather and told him that mom said he had to leave. I took care of my two baby sisters for that week. I ended up skipping school the entire time and got expelled. (I got back in, but that is another long story.) I cannot recall everything that was going on, but I was in an abusive relationship myself. I believe I was around 15 years old. I am not able to think of the dates at this time. It is all a blur, but what freaked me out was that I completely blocked the incident. It made me wonder about other things that I have completely blocked. I am not planning on recalling any blocked memories at this point. This was enough thank you very much! I share this story though because what I did to myself caused me serious damage all of these years.

I took on the guilt, and felt like a horrible person for lying to get him out of the house.

I somehow twisted the events, and turned the trauma onto myself. I blamed myself for thinking badly about him because I did not remember what I had seen. I felt somehow I was to blame even though the only thing I did wrong was get a lying, cheating, pothead jerk away from me, and my sisters! (Even if it was their father) He also stole money from my mom, who happened to be making substantially more, he got her in serious debt taking checks out of sequence, and hiding it from her. She did not find that out until the bank called her telling her what her overdraft was. She was 6 months pregnant with my younger sister when that happened. She felt stuck, and didn’t know how or what to do. The stigma of being a single mom and getting another divorce was weighing on her, she was pregnant, now in horrible debt, working 50 or more hours a week — just to share a few things going on in our life. She didn’t know what to do with me catching him with the other things I discovered as well. I would have made an awesome private detective!

I took the reins and got rid of him.

Mom thought he left on his own and he thought mom told him to leave. I have felt so horrible all of these years, and even convinced myself that maybe I did the wrong thing. After mom reminded me of what I saw, it was as if I was standing in the room and I relived the entire moment. I remember details of the curtains, the couch, the lighting in the room, everything! Now that I remember, I have had all of that guilt wash off of me. Sure maybe I should have let mom handle it, but to be honest I could not live in that house with him one more second. I didn’t even want to share the same air with him. I HAD to get him out. I knew that mom and I would be fine. We did fine without him — he had already disconnected from my sisters. It was a mess. So the Savannah trip turned out to be much more healing than I thought it would be. In many ways, not only for me, but for mom too. She has held on to guilt about divorcing the #@@!@@#$# that’s all I will say.

Our trip was awesome!

We did not get to go to all of the museums, and houses that we would have liked to because it rained. We did get stuck in the rain, got lost in circles because we got disoriented, and almost had a meltdown on each other. In the past, the whole indecent would have ended with us yelling at each other. Instead, here is what happened, we had to catch the shuttle by 2:30pm it was 2:05pm pouring down rain, she kept confusing me because she had the map backwards, we finally figured it out. We had been walking under huge trees that kept the rain semi-tolerable, but in order to get to the shuttle we had to walk out in wide open spaces, when we did the rain started coming down harder. I said: Oh, it’s getting worse” (referring to the rain) my mom snaps: “How can it be any worse than this?”

Immediately my brain starts thinking of all of the worst possible situations.

Being stuck in the rain, walking in circles, in Savannah, GA was not that bad at all. We could ask someone to help us, we could get a cab, we could go find a place to buy an umbrella, and on and on my brain went. It was not bad at all even though it was very frustrating, and I hate getting wet. The rain did hurt my skin and I was having a lot of issues, but for me it was not as bad as it could be. For my mom it was the absolute worst thing in the entire world ever! This is where the fights would start — I would take her quite literally and tell her how it could be much worse. She would take me quite literally and start telling me how horrible it actually was back and forth until finally one of would blow. This time I looked up at the sky when she said it and said: “I meant the rain is coming down harder, I was talking about the rain.”

We almost lost it on each other too when we could not find a place to eat.

We do not do well when we are both hungry. I am not going in sequence, sorry. The day before the wonderful drive ended up with us stopping at two La Quinta’s asking where ours was because I thought mom printed out Google map directions, but NO! She had an actual map from 2005 for Savannah! I cannot read regular maps in a car. I get dizzy, I cannot make sense of them, and they get all blurry, and cause me to panic. I NEED PICTURES! I need tons of landmarks to look for. I need exit numbers. I need approximate distance of time. I need anything to help me know that I am not lost. I like regular maps at home when I am not traveling. If I am traveling, I need every detail possible. I told her to pull off and ask someone and she did. We found it and it was not hard at all. We seemed to be running a pattern during the weekend though, “If only we would have a gone a little bit farther.”

Still we had a ball.

We laughed, got on each other’s nerves, I danced all over the place she ignored me, (It was just like when I was a kid…good times.) we ate some great food; she talked me into going to Macy’s. We each got $90 coats from Macy’s for $5.00! WHAT? Yes, we did! Quadruple awesome clearance sale!  My mom’s favorite stores are Macy’s, Dillard’s, some other fancy schmancy stores. She used to shop there all the time….when she had money and a reason to buy that attire. :-)   Me? I got excited about all of the lampposts, trees, and birds that were around! I got a little obsessive with taking pictures of doors, as well as the others I mentioned. I tried to get ghosts to talk to me, but none would. I had all kinds of birds talk to me though. I managed to make one frustrated and he went after mom, he flew right past her head within inches! My bad! Good thing she is not afraid of them. My sister on the other hand would have attacked me had that happened. I don’t understand it her name is Athena I would think she would love birds. :-)

We plan on going back because I did not get to see Bonaventure Cemetery.

I have to go back and see it. We did see Forrest Gump — he hopped onto our trolley for a moment. :-)   I did not see any feathers, but there was a plastic bag floating that made me think of this scene from American Beauty. I think that sums up what I was feeling sometimes while walking around Savannah. All of the tragedy that fills the history of the town is too much to take in. BUT the beauty that fills the place was too much to take in as well. As I listened to the facts and information, I wanted more. I wanted to know more. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and study the bricks in the roads. I wanted to run my fingers along the train tracks. I wanted to look into every door, but I got sidetracked by the beauty of the cracks and lines, and crookedness of the sidewalks from trees deep old roots that reveal history and life. The roots carry the memories of the people who walked those streets good and bad. The shutters that were crooked gave buildings character. It was too much to take in for a short weekend.

That morning we went to get on our shuttle mom and I were both a little anxious.

We walked into to the lobby and it was full of college age baseball players and their coaches. Good Lord! I was surrounded by giants! I got overwhelmed and had to sneak off to the corridor. Mom and I both waited and the shuttle was late. Anxiety rising, an older woman came over and spilled her coffee, I immediately ran over to get napkins to clean it up. Mom said the woman was making negative comments about herself and she was trying to comfort her, I did not hear a thing I needed to clean up the mess. When I looked down, I saw that coffee was on her toes. Awww!!!! Toes!!! I took a deep breath and cleaned her toes for her. It was painful. I share that story because that was a moment of my “help trump” card taking over my complete freak out over toes. Lol! Also, because it leads into the next event. The toes almost sent me over until I heard the loveliest and most calming thing ever. A family speaking in German sat down right in front of us. I felt the calm rush over me and a big smile across my face.

Mom did the same thing.

We then realized that both of us are calmed by hearing the German language. On the shuttle, we talked about our time in Germany. I get confused as to how long we lived there mom said it was three and half years. I think I thought it was two — anyway she shared how she loved it there. The only things she missed while living there was her parent’s and American food. I said: “WHAT? American food! Blah!” Lol! She does love German food, but for some reason she likes “American food” whatever that is. :-)   As she shared more details about Germany and our life there, we started to get a little anxious again about getting on the trolley. We sat down and lo’ and behold, the couple in front of us and next to them spoke German. Anxiety melted and we were both calm and happy. I have no idea why that is the case and I had no idea mom felt the same way I do about the German language. I do like listening to all languages they fascinate me, but for some reason the German language feels right to me. I have no other way to explain it. I have nothing but positive connections to Germany. Mom said she wanted to go back to Germany one day, sigh….I wish we could.

Oh, yeah I was in Savannah!

I made this much longer than I had planned. Geez! There was a lot that happened this weekend and that was only the tip of the iceberg. The kids did great. They played games, watched movies, ate junk, and are now going all wild and not listening to a single word I say. That seems about right. I am going to take them to the beach and let them run some of this out of their system. I wish it would tire them out, but it won’t. They were funny when I called them; all they talked about were Pokémon, and the games that they were playing. They didn’t seem to miss me at all, but they did. I am not too worried about that it doesn’t hurt my feelings, it is much better for me to know that they are having fun and doing well without me. We wrote stories about their weekend with Daddy, and this is what they said it felt like with me being gone. Ariel: “It felt like mommy was on the computer, but invisible for a longtime.” Daniel: “It felt like mommy was upstairs, and she was not coming down, forever.” Joshua: “It felt like she was in the bathroom for a very long time.” LOL! I had other things that I was going to share, but I got sidetracked and now I have to stop.

Picture time!

(I have a couple of pictures with my face in this batch and I am freaking out! Just so everyone knows.)


 

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04/1/12

Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

I wrote this last year in a flush of being overwhelmed by all of the information and turmoil that sprung from only the first day of Autism Awareness Month. The weeks that led up to the first day of April consumed me with emotion as a mother of an autistic child and as an autistic woman. This year is no different. As a matter-of-fact, I am even more overwhelmed with the heat rising from the announcement “CDC: Autism Rate is Now 1 in 88″.  I cannot even write about my feelings. I will wait until the smoke falls and everyone is able to focus once again on the reality that we need to acknowledge and help children, adults, and parents. We need resources, accurate information, and individual plans to focus on each individual on the autism spectrum.

We need a focus on implementing helps.

At this point there are so many unknown factors that play into the “why’s” or “how’s”. I am not dismissing the importance of doing studies and trying to discover better ways to help, or determine certain factors. The numbers seem to be of little value to families struggling financially, emotionally, physically, and not knowing where to turn. I hope this year we can transition into seeking the answers to help parents understand what autism is. Help them not be afraid of the diagnosis, but in order for that to happen some outlooks need to change. Parents need help in understanding — there is so much information out there and they need direction. Adults coming to terms that they are on the spectrum need acceptance, and help as well.

We need direction.

I hope that awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding that the label autism is not the same for each of us. We all look and act differently. With the big reveal of the CDC numbers to me, broaden my eyes to see how incredibly diverse Autism is. Even though we are not the same we suffer many similar issues that make us feel isolated. It reveals that we need to take a step back and truly grasp the fact that there is no normal. We are all human beings — no two alike. It is tiresome to see the round and round conversations that do not seem to move or motivate people. At any rate…

We need to be reminded that we are not alone…all of us on the autism spectrum or not.

 

I did clean this up a little but, but I did not edit the message.

We are boys, we are girls, we are men, and we are women. We are diagnosed, un-diagnosed, and self-diagnosed. We are friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, employers, and employees. We are artists, geniuses, mechanics, and cashiers. We are living in institutions, boarding schools, college and at home. We are being abused, bullied and outcast. We are being accepted and lifted up.

We are everywhere.

Some of us can speak and it feels like we won’t stop, some of us can speak, but cannot get our words out, some of us cannot speak through the means that is comfortable for others, some of us speak through a song, dance, cry, or scream. We are looking at you right now. We cannot be put in a box and we cannot give complete clarity to all of our differences. We find some comfort in our similarities. We have been here and will be here, more of us will be diagnosed and hopefully get the help we need to give us the best quality of life possible. Bringing awareness does not mean to just think about it for this day or month.

Bringing awareness could be a paradigm shift in the thinking of others.

Awareness according to Wikipedia:

“Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense-data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human’s or an animal’s perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.”

Awareness defined in the dictionary is:

Awareness
noun
“Awareness of, knowledge of, understanding of, appreciation of, recognition of, attention to, perception of, consciousness of, acquaintance with, enlightenment with, sensibility to, realization of, familiarity with, mindfulness of, cognizance of, sentience of The 1980s brought an awareness of green issues.”

As we go into this month of designated autism awareness, I think about what I would like people to have knowledge of, an ability to perceive, to feel, to be conscious of, when it comes to autism. Actually, there is a lot I would like for people to be aware of but I guess if I were going to stay focused, my main points would be for people to be aware of the fact that we are not all the same. Every person has his or her own unique qualities and hindrances. Though we may have many similarities, there are many differences as well. We each have our own personality and likes. Some may have the similar obsessions with fans or trains but some change their obsessions and often. Social situations can affect us all differently — we may be very social and then have anxiety later. We may be too anxious to go or do anything. We may not even think about it because the social situation involves our special interest.

Our sensory issues manifest in different ways.

Some of us are seekers, some of us are avoiders, and some of us are a mix. Loud noises can tear through our body and jolt us into a panic — the sound of ice can feel like daggers in our ears, while loud music can be comforting. Hot weather can drain us while for others it is energizing, cold weather can stop some of us from being able to move because it hurts our flesh so badly, while some of us can run around in the snow in shorts and think that it is great. There are so many differences between each one of us and that is something that needs to be made aware to the world. There are substantial differences between girls and boys and woman and men on the autism spectrum and I think that is something of importance that should be remembered and considered continually.

There are so many methods of treatment and I think having proper awareness of them is important as well.

There are many things that my mind wants to share but I cannot in a blog post. As I challenge myself to stay focused and make a clear point, I guess out of everything that I would want people to have awareness of when it comes to autism, is acceptance. I would long to see people accept our differences and be aware of them. I would want people to accept our gifts and hindrances not as pity or idolize the giftings but to accept us as we are. Accept challenges and bring forth more awareness to the needs of those who are not receiving the help they need. I am referring to parents, children, and adults on the spectrum. Acceptance that it is ok for parents to be upset, concerned, exhausted, worried, and feeling hopeless but to not accept those feelings as their new identity.

Don’t stay there.

Accept that a mindset of fear will make the mind look for a constant enemy, not be empowering but strip away the life ahead. Accept that you don’t have to be angry but determined to help your child and yourself. Accept that the challenges are real but if our community pulls together to seek to help parents were better equipped to help their child with autism, it can change. Accept that adults on the spectrum can bring a lot of insight to parents who do not know what it is like for their child. For those who have been in denial to accept that there are adults on the spectrum, they have a voice and they can give hope to those who feel hopeless. There needs to be acceptance and awareness that parents have a voice too and need to be heard just as much as their children do. We all need to accept that we are not winning any battle by drawing lines in the sand and bashing each other. We need each other and those who are unwilling to accept that are just not ready for a paradigm shift. We need to acknowledge that, that is ok too. However, with more of us speaking out as parents for our children, giving our children a voice as well, and focusing on quality of life instead of what is seen as detriments of life, maybe that will change.

I hope there will be some minds bending to true awareness this month.

Here are some resources to help bring awareness.

What is Autism?

The History of Autism (Quicky)

Rethinking Autism

Some Videos

Loving Lamposts Trailer

Increasing Awareness of Women with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Girls and Asperger’s I have several more links on this page regarding girls.

Types of Asperger’s As a means to help identify in some way not to compartmentalize, there can be many variations and mixes. It usually depends on environment and stress levels.

Life with Asperger’s (8 different types of Asperger’s)

Communication Frustration   (Wretches and Jabberers)

Autism Symposium

Light it Up Blue (Reference to my post title.)

 

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03/28/12

I Can’t Stop Myself…I Can’t!

Alright, alright! I am so excited, and I am sure those who I left comments on their blogs earlier noticed that I am a bit hyper at the moment. Settle down! I can’t settle down, I have tried so I am going to write out my silly-loopiness. Let me tell you why I am so excited…I love birthdays! AND tomorrow is my birthday AND I cannot keep it quiet because I love my birthday. I know, I know I shouldn’t be acting like this I am a grown woman who should be all mature and such. Maybe if you knew why my birthday was so important to me you would understand why I want to shout it off the rooftops that it is going to be my birthday. I almost didn’t make it to the human existence stage of living starting from conception. Then, later there was my attempt to take my own life.

The only reason I never tried to do me in again was that I made a promise to my mom.

When I make a promise as I did with my mom, it is a knot knitted into the universe and I cannot break it. Other people do not think of promises as that significant, but I do. I remember years ago when I learned this hard lesson. My mind created a poem immediately so I would never forget. It may sound harsh, but I needed it to sink in that people do not mean the same thing that I do when it comes to the word promise. I have to remind myself of this otherwise I can end up very hurt. It is a quick and easy poem.

A promise is meant to be broken,
A promise is untrue,
A promise means nothing,
When it is coming from you.

You can read about why my birthdays are important to me here “What’s In A Birthday?“

I have not reread it or edited it since last year and I am not going to because I am still fragile from having a shut sown from my last post. I didn’t realize how much watching that video affected me and triggered a lot of emotional things from my past. I am fine right now I got overwhelmed that’s all. I felt his pain and emotions, and to have my own experience in addition was too much. I will be completely honest, I got so overwhelmed that I ended up lying on the floor sobbing, curled up like a baby, begging God to please tell me why I was given a brain like I have. I did not ask to be fixed, but I did question what was the purpose in causing such episodes of feeling such devastation.

Why would I have to have a brain that loves and cares so deeply, but does not feel the love back?

Why does my mind get consumed with unstoppable anxiety, fear of humiliation, confusion, and utter worthlessness? Why? I will not go on about what I was feeling. It had been going on for days, but here are some of the answers 1) sensory overload – my senses have been taxed for nearly two weeks now. My brain is still trying to recover and the anticipation of them continuing to be taxed the rest of this week weighs on me. 2) Social anxiety – I do enjoy being with people, I am a social Aspie, but I also need alone time. I have been doing pretty well with this, but I have been influenced by David’s social anxieties. He has gone full-time into a position that is requiring him to be a lot more social than he has been in about 5 years now. I feel his stress levels they are pouring down from the upstairs — even if I am not around him, I feel it. 3) Daniel has regressed in some areas and it has caused a series of meltdowns, and stress. This is what happens when he is having a major change in his language/emotional development.

He does gain his other skills back after the progress is reached.

However, it is always confusing and unexpected. I get worried that he is losing what he has already worked so hard for, but he won’t this is a pattern. I think that his motor skills, and what body awareness he has is blocked somehow while the language/emotional skills make rapid connections. It seems to be what is happening (has happened in the past). He is asking things like: “Joshua why are you talking to me like that?” and “What does that word mean?” and saying to Ariel or Joshua: “Stop yelling at me, I don’t like it.” This is all new and great to hear. Ariel and Joshua are not actually yelling we all have problems with the tone/pitch of our voices, and our directness around here can sound pretty harsh sometimes. It is never meant that way…mostly, I cannot actually say “never”. The emotions I have been processing for two weeks now have kept me fragile. It felt like my heart was sitting on my chest with air pounding it, the second it felt covered again…BAM! Exposed.

The reason for that is reading other blogs. Empathy people!

I would start to gain my footing then, I would read a blog that had paralleling situations to my life, and I was exposed again. I felt their emotions and mine all mixed together. It is a good thing, and a bad thing. It is good because it helps me deal with my hurts and properly place them, but it is a bad thing when I feel so vulnerable and unable to place my feelings away quickly. There have been situations this month that have forced me to look at death. I do not do well with death, and I do not do well with people being in the hospital being very ill. I get filled with anxiety because I do not know what to say, or how to act. I cannot pull words out, and if I do, they end up sounding very insensitive or they are silly and goofy. That never goes well! Still with all of the adventures going on around here, I am giddy about my birthday. Ariel has been such a dear making me laugh so hard this week. Daniel and Joshua have too, but they have not noticed that I was out of sorts. Ariel did and gave me hugs, and told me she loved me. HUGE for Ariel, she is not a hugger, and normally she will hum a “Love you” sound, but not say the words.

We spent some time painting and hanging with sock monkeys last night.

I have pictures of us and monkeys! I am going to make a birthday pie tomorrow instead of cake because the kids have not had cherry pie before. You know that I will be posting some pictures. OH! Tonight I am going to a quiet opening for my sister’s new store so I may be quite socially/sensory taxed again tonight, but I am too excited about my weekend to care. My birthday always reminds me of how much life means to me, and how there is so much joy to feel and look to instead of the dreaded “Why” loop that can consume my mind. I am very thankful that I was able to let the emotions out, get up, and find my “Happy” loop. Pretty much any happy loop will involve cats, monkeys, frogs, and lizards. :-)   I am done. La la la la Wait, I forgot to mention that I haven’t been able to sleep either. I think my loopiness may be due to lack of sleep. Zoinks! I have gotten a lot written though…that is good. :-)

The Monkey Song

“The Bright Field” by R S Thomas   (I just liked this poem and decided to share.)

R.S. Thomas

 


 

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03/26/12

Sharing A Video

There are many things I can relate to in the video below that I am sharing. Thankfully, my only run in with law enforcement was not as bad. I did end up in jail for about 15 minutes (I think) and it felt like hours. I was pulled over for a break light being out, it turned out there was a warrant out for my arrest for a $1.00 seat-belt violation. When they first passed the seat belt law in my state it was only $1.00. I did pay that fine, but somehow they messed up the records. They also messed up again after my arrest and I ended up with an invalid driver license. It was such a mix up. I didn’t find out until I went to get my license in another state I had moved to. And guess what? It took them three days to find my records because they “had to go down in the basement” to look it up. It turned out to be all clerical errors in the mean time; this Aspie was having panic attacks and couldn’t sleep for days.

It all got squared away, but was a very bad experience.

The officer who arrested me felt so bad for me because I was hyperventilating, sobbing, wailing, and couldn’t stop. The shock of hearing I had a warrant out for my arrest sent panic through my body. I cannot remember what I said, but I was hysterical. I am so thankful that he was a nice person. He allowed certain things that he should not have. He handcuffed me from behind, but it sent me into even more of a panic having my arms like that. I almost passed out. I couldn’t talk very well but through my heaves, I begged him to please move my arms to the front, it hurt too badly from behind. I felt trapped. I also lost it again when he said I had to sit in the back. The thought of it made me feel trapped and I begged and pleaded with him to please not make me sit back there. When he sat me down in the back, I lost it again and he couldn’t get me in. Again, I am thankful that he was a nice officer because I am sure another one may not have been so kind and felt like I was being difficult.

He told me that he was not supposed to do any of that.

I thanked him repeatedly and continued to ask him how long everything was going to take. I had closed my bank account only moments earlier because we were moving to another state the next day. I had the cash to bail myself out. When we got there, nothing was routine. At that time in my life, I had an odd habit of collecting change in my purse. LARGE amounts of change. Crazy amounts of change. My purse was filled with pennies — tons of them! The woman looked at it, looked at the officer, and said: “You have got to be kidding. I am not counting all of that.” I gave her permission not to count them; she didn’t take count of any of the content in my purse. I did not get finger prints taken either. The officer took care of my paperwork personally, allowed me to make a call to get home and I was released. I had my court date the next morning only hours before we took off to our new home. I was 18 years old. This is one of those times that I am forever grateful and feel like someone was watching over me for sure.

I know that the officer did not have to do that.

I know that he could have gotten into a lot of trouble. I still do not know why he was so kind. Maybe he just wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible. Either way it could have been a lot worse. I was still traumatized with the emotions of being blamed for something I didn’t do, and going through all of stress of the situation. I do not know if others would have felt the same trauma, but I still feel it today and it really wasn’t bad at all. All of this to lead into a video that I watched a few minutes ago created by John Scott Holman sharing his experience with law enforcement. After watching it, it triggered me reliving my experience. There are many things that he shares in the video that struck me with my own similar experiences. I think the video is a great resource to share with others to help bring awareness, and hopefully some insight to others. I have been asked on many occasions throughout life if I was on some sort of mind-altering substance. I was not. I did use alcohol as my source to help me cope socially and get away with some of my quirkiness and oddities. Most people let things slight if you are drunk. I don’t drink anymore. Now I have ballet…kidding, sort of :-) .

There is language in some areas so be prepared.

I’M NOT ON PCP: Educating Law Enforcement about Autism


 

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03/24/12

Silly Post La La La

Hello! I am feeling fragile. My emotions are tinkering on all sides. I am madly in love, and completely heartbroken at the same time. Why? I have no idea. I am full of happiness, and sadness. I am silly, and serious. I cannot find my balance. It is really getting to me. I am giddy and silly as well and my cat just jumped on my desk stirring a ruckus for some reason. A loud crash just happened in the schoolroom.

Me: What was that?

Ariel: Oh, something fell.

Me: What fell?

Ariel: Things with markers, pencils, and crayons!

Nathaniel (cat): Mmmmeeeeeeeooooooowwwww! (While running back and forth in the living room)

Nice.

Nathaniel is stilling howling I have no idea what he is up to. Hold on. Ha ha ha I just went looking for him. I looked in the bedrooms calling his name, nary a cat. I went into the living room he came pouncing out at me from behind the couch. Lol! He is still howling I have no idea what his problem is. Silly cat making a perfect silly post. :-)   We are all a bit spazzy. I am meowing now and the kids are singing the ABC’s…now we are all meowing except for the cat. I really shouldn’t share this post, but I need to just let my silliness out. What is that song? Shake the sillies out? No, it’s “Shake Your Sillies Out“. I may have shared that before.

Seriously!

What’s on my mind? I am clearly having good and bad anxiety about leaving next weekend. There is all the anxiety of going on a mini-trip and leaving the kids. It makes me more anxious with Daniel having some problems this past week. Daniel did tell me last night that he was happy that I was going, but he would miss me. He is talking and expressing what he is feelings so much more recently, and it is awesome. I discovered that he was happy for me to go have fun with Grammy, but he was happy that he will be with Daddy too. That made me feel better. Still David does not follow the schedule, he doesn’t know our routines in downstairs world, and he does things all different. It is fine, but it is different and the aftermath of having a different routine is something to anticipate…We can hope it all goes smoothly, but there also has to be the preparation for the after affects. I may write things down to help David, he forgets things. He is the first to tell you that he forgets things like daily schedules, and food stuff.

Mom and I both will have our routines messed up.

She is used to adjusting because she such the world traveler. Ok, she has gone on trips a lot, but she doesn’t really travel too far. She did go to Mexico on her cruise in December — that’s world traveling I suppose. She is not overflowing with funds, and that makes it a little difficult to be an actual world traveler. I am a virtual world traveler it suits my income much better. :-) I haven’t been in a car with my mom for a road trip in decades. There is a reason for that. We do not do well in the car together. I hope that now being much older and “Aspie wiser” we will be able to have a good time in the car as well as in wide-open spaces! Just so everyone knows I do plan on dancing and singing on the streets of Savannah. I am certain no one will notice, I do not think they much care about oddities and silliness there. I could be wrong, but it does not matter the ghosts will love me. Zoinks!

All right I let a little of my traveling anxiety out.

Wait. Did I mention that I am leaving the kids and I have never left them for this long before??!! (Yes, I know I have, but let me have my freak out.) I have not been away from them since they were born!! Breathe. I think I am having separation anxiety and they are in the front room singing songs and crashing things all over the place. I think I am done now. On to my boyfriend’s new suit. Yes, you heard me Mr. Hotty McHotterson iPad man has a new Bluetooth keyboard. He’s looking good. Humor me. I told you this was silly. AND I got an early birthday present for my trip! A new camera. Yippie! I do not have time to describe the lovely right now, but I will share a few pictures I have taken with it this morning. If only I had the funds to buy all of the gadgets and techy whatnot’s in the world, or venture off in a Virgin Galactic spaceship…I am sure I wouldn’t have any anxiety then, or that my vertigo wouldn’t bother me at all. I must face it I am planted on the ground with my sock monkeys, kid’s telescope, new camera, and sexy iPad.

I am really being loopy-doopy! (From here up, I wrote this morning.)

(From here down I just wrote. :-) )

I would really love to share the talk mom and I had today about being “lonely”. I cannot get the words out right now. We also had quite the adventure in Michael’s (Going to try some oil paints today.) and Wal-Mart (HELL). Interestingly Wal-Mart had Roz from Monster, Inc. on their PA system every two seconds. Why on earth aren’t they using walkie’s, or at least getting a different person to speak over the bouncing acoustics that already send attacking vibrations into my brain? The kids handled it better than I did. I had my fingers plugged into my ears and didn’t realize until I got home that I was saying rather loudly “This place is HELL!” It then clicked why my mom was looking at me and laughing. It also explains why she took over and got us out of there. I was clearly overloaded. I did not want to go there — the only reason we did was that Daniel swore there were Hex Bugs that were there and he wanted to see them. Hex Bugs were not there so in order to stop the eruption that was about to take place in the middle of that place, I said he could have one Hex Bug when we got home.

We’ll see how tonight goes.

Oh, well picture time. I don’t know if you can tell the difference, but I can. Whoop!

 

 

 

 

 

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03/23/12

At Home Autism Acceptance

With April coming around the corner, I am already anticipating the tons of things that will be seen on the internet dealing with Autism Awareness Month. Everyone has his or her agenda, I think that can be a very good thing. It gets us talking as a society, it gets people thinking, it can get people arguing, and I think it could be far worse to stay silent about autism than to argue. At least that is something. Personally, I do not want to argue with anyone though, I get sick and shut down at conflict. I normally see all sides, even if I do not agree with it. I can still see it and feel for them. (As long as it is not plain evil.) I have noticed this past week that Ariel and Joshua have been saying things about Daniel being autistic. They have done this more so in the last year. For some reason it is coming up a lot. It got me thinking about awareness and acceptance at home and how I need to do a better job teaching them in this area.

Daniel has had a hard time adjusting to the time change.

He has had his Hex Bugs taken away, and he is still unable to have them back. They continue to cause him more harm than good — stimulating wise. His inability to find a replacement interest has caused him to have the feeling of being lost. He is looping, and I have been trying to help, but he is stuck. We have to ride it out. Because of this, his other self-regulating stims have come back that he hasn’t done in a while. The good thing is he is more talkative, sharing what is on his mind, expressing himself, (as best as he can) and being much more socially involved with their play. There are great things, and bad things that go along with this. Ariel and Joshua get overloaded; when they do, they just stop playing. If not given an explanation it does not bode well with Daniel. We have been over and over this, they have to tell Daniel when they are finished playing and most of all tell him WHY. Daniel will be fine as long as he understands why they stopped playing, or they got frustrated. (I am the same way, it won’t hurt my feelings at all just tell me!) This can lead into an all-day meltdown. He does not understand why all of a sudden they are done. It feels like rejection. He thinks he did something wrong, but he does not know what.

Ariel and Joshua do the same thing to each other.

It can turn into a mess sometimes. Joshua tends to think that we can read his mind, or that he told us already what he was thinking. He and Ariel get into arguments about the house rules, social rules, Pokémon rules, game rules, how you should pronounce words, how things are to be put away, and many other fun rules that they have gathered away in their minds. (Rules that may or may not be quite accurate.) They are rigid and strict in their understanding of the rules. They also try to inform Daniel of the rules, but he always breaks them according to them. It gets very frustrating to hear them constantly telling Daniel how he is doing something wrong. Joshua cannot handle Daniel’s eating sounds, so he either yells at him or has his own meltdown because of the sound. We have an open floor plan home with high ceilings — it does not help the noise factor around here. It especially does not help all of us who are highly sensitive to sounds.

This would be the kids and me.

After the symposium, I have been more observant of the social dynamics between the kids. I have taken notice to how they speak to each other, and how they treat each other. Joshua voices often that he doesn’t understand why Daniel acts certain ways, or gets to eat things that he doesn’t. Food is a big deal to Joshua. Daniel has a very limited diet and I have to get nutrients in him whatever way possible. It seems unfair that Daniel gets to eat banana and yogurt for dinner, but Ariel and Joshua have to eat the dinner I made. A dinner that contains broccoli! Joshua doesn’t realize that Daniel’s “tasty” yogurt is swimming with sweet potato puree and I can guarantee Joshua would not like it. I am thankful that Joshua is able to tell me what bothers him though, and he is willing to listen most days. The kids have really kicked it up a notch at pointing out Daniel’s differences, and “favoritism” around here. I decided I needed to do something about it. (I have pulled some of this straight from my home school blog because I didn’t feel like rewriting it. I had to give that little confession — I do not know why. :-) )

I know that it is a normal course of childhood for them to point out differences.

However, it still does not make sense to them why he gets to do certain things that they do not. At times, it feels very much like an injustice, though it is not. We try very hard to keep things balanced and focus on their needs as equal as Daniel’s. Ariel and Joshua show many autistic traits, but I am sure they could also fall under the “normal” category. They do have some social issues, anxieties and misunderstandings, but they may improve a great deal when we get into more homeschooling groups. I do not know we will have to see. Joshua is very social and has no problems starting conversations with anyone — he does gear everything toward his special interest though. Ariel expresses her anxiety clearly. She has anxiety when she goes to new places or meets new people. She says that she loses her words and doesn’t know how to talk to someone. She told me this week “Well I know how to talk to them, but I don’t know how to get my words in order or what to talk to them about.”

She does such a wonderful job at explaining these things to me.

Joshua and Daniel both do not know what they are feeling. Their confusion causes other effects, but it doesn’t happen until we get home — normally. They all have sensory issues that can cause meltdowns, they all have special interests that consume their everything, they all do not know how to talk to other kids even though I have used social stories, given them scripts, read books about it, but they still are awkward, shut down, or talk non-stop about their interest. Still Ariel and Joshua feel that Daniel is autistic and they are not. They are able to communicate their feelings much more than Daniel; at times, they feel that he is “freaking out” for no reason. I then have to explain to them the reason for Daniel having a hard time. They do not associate any of their behaviors as being similar as his. My plan this week was to help them see how each one of them is different and discover their similarities.

I am using the book The Autism Acceptance Book for all three of them.

I tried this book before, but they were not ready for it. It was last year I believe and I think they were still too young. Daniel knows that he has autism, but does not understand what that means. He thinks that he is the same as everyone else until someone says something different. He does not have a clear sense of self-awareness. I am hoping that working through this book with all of them will help them have a better understanding about autism and how it relates to each one of them. Ariel and Joshua can be Daniel’s biggest advocates out in the world of their peers. I want them to understand and be able to explain it to others as well. I do not want them to feel like they have to, I hope they want to share how important acceptance is on their own. I shared with them about bullying and why it is wrong. I have plenty of childhood, and adult stories to share about my own personal experiences with being bullied that I can pull from.

The kids and I come with scenarios and practice what they would do in these situations.

And let me tell you there is nothing wrong with running home, or to a safe place as quickly as you can! I have done it plenty of times — understanding now I had nothing to be ashamed of for protecting myself by getting the heck out of the situation. The kids understand what I am talking about when it comes to bullying, they have seen it on TV, they watched cartoons that explained how horrible it is, and we openly talk about it. I used that as an entry point to talk about autism. The reason that most people are bullied is their differences. If we understand our own difference’s, accept them, and feel self-confident about being different, we are better able to cast down bully type words. I do not want my kids to hide their quirks, differences, or stims. I want them to feel confident to be themselves, but also understand that if you live in this world as yourself there are those who will not like it. I think one of the biggest things that would have helped me, had I known when being bullied, is understanding that it was not really about me.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

I was being me, and the bully did not like it. The reasons for bullying do not have to make sense. This would have helped me too. If someone would have explained to me that, a bully can randomly pick on someone “just because” that would have cleared up the confusion that was looping in my brain. I would not have spent so much time trying to figure out why they did it, and why they chose me. It still would not make sense, but it would have helped me see that they were completely illogical in their thinking and they perceptions were based on insecurity, and wanting acceptance themselves. (A great deal of the of the time.) Discussing all of this brought us to the point of talking about autism acceptance. While there are some things I am not fond of in the book, I realize that it is geared toward neurotypical children. From that perspective, I can see it as a good thing. For us in this house…well we had to get over the whole “Take a walk in someone else’s shoes” idiom. Thankfully they explain what that means in the book because I was doing a poor job. I won’t go into it, but it had something to do with them wearing my shoes and then all of us getting confused. :-)

Through the book, for each chapter at the end, there were a series of questions.

As I read the book and asked the questions, it was very interesting to see how each of the children saw themselves. The more we read the more I realized that Ariel and Joshua are on the spectrum much more than we thought. I have done this before; I see where I have fallen short in areas of helping them or recognizing their behaviors. They seem to have no problems until something like this opens my eyes and I ask them questions. It gets me in a loop of wanting to get them diagnosed as well. I wonder if it will help them, or if I haven’t done enough. This time around I decided we will wait it out until we move and focus on it then if need be. I am mainly concerned with social skills and sensory diet. I can already work on those things now. Overall, I think the book is an excellent resource in helping children understand what autism is like. The start of the book is about accepting others in general. I liked how they explained what acceptance was.

A quote from the book:

“When people look different from you or act differently than you do, the best thing to do is try to understand and accept them. In other words learn more about them, be kind to them, and include them in things that you and your friends do together.”

~ The Autism Acceptance Book

Autism can be difficult to explain.

I think the book does a good job at explaining some of the issues for children who are autistic. It talks about how people are different from each other overall. It asks questions about how “you” are different. It states that the autistic brain works differently in many ways. There are sections about the difficulties for children on the spectrum with communication, expressing themselves, senses, seeing the small details and focusing on them, playing differently, difficulties talking, which I thought worked well for the age group this is geared toward. They also suggest ways to get involved in helping support autism by teaching others what you have learned. They suggest presenting the information to their class, or raising money and donating it to an autism charity. At the end there are group activities, they get to create their own social story, and then make a scrapbook about what they have learned. My personal feeling is that books like these need to be added to school curriculum. I think it would be beneficial to children and parents to have a book like this in their hands. As well as for teachers so they can better understand and accept what life is like for children on the autism spectrum.

If we want to bring awareness and acceptance to the autism community this would be a great start.

(I know we need school funds, maybe it is wishful thinking.)

 

Ellen Sabin (Author, Illustrator)

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03/19/12

Short Post (Kind of) and Clouds!

I have been writing a lot lately and need to let some things sink in. I forget that I do not have to publish every single post I write. I know this, but sometimes I am struck with intense emotions of: “I have to get this out, right now!” Today I am keeping it light. I have not shared my clouds lately, so I will share a few. I will also share some of what the kids have been doing. I had a few intense anxiety filled days after the symposium. I am hoping to articulate what I have discovered about my brain, its memory leak, and debugging some of my system. :-) (Not today) The kids have been off — I think it is because of the time change and me being gone for a whole day. Daniel has had potty problems, Joshua has had a couple of accidents too the last few of days. Hmm…Just after I commented on another blog how we haven’t problems in a long time. :-/

Potty issues send me into hypersensitive mode.

I do not do well with wet, sticky, smelly, poopy clothes, floors, or bedding! It makes me feel nauseous. I can’t even talk about it anymore because I am getting that sickly feeling. Despite any mishaps, we had a good week. I was very happy that I did not have another meltdown. I had a couple of social encounters that confused me, sent me into a loop, but only for a matter of minutes. It was not my usual hours or days, leading into: “What did I do wrong?” type of thinking. I told myself I was socially stressed and needed to let it go. After thinking about my meltdown the day of the symposium, I was very proud of the fact that I did not mentally attack myself for getting lost. I did ask questions like “Why can’t I find it?” and “What is wrong with me?”, but I did not go into negative self-talk. I let it go, and went in to conference hall. I did not talk negatively about myself to others while explaining that I got lost and had a meltdown.

These are some big accomplishments for me.

When I drove home, I calmly thought about why I got lost, and accepted it. I told myself it was ok, and I didn’t continue looping about it. HUGE! My stress levels were at an all time high, even though I looked calm, cool, and collected. I have learned the art of masking my stress and anxiety so well that at times I can even fool myself. :-) I am still in recovery and realized that a couple of times this weekend I went into an old pattern loop. It is a loop that pops up about people who I care about and love. It starts with questions about their behavior or words toward me. I find inconsistencies from experiences with them, or I misread their actions/words. I start to think that they do not care about me at all. I begin to comb over actions or lack of actions and create reasons for why they no longer care about me.

I did not have clarity about this until I wrote my last post.

A little later in the day, I caught myself in this loop. I was making up irrational ideas based on what seemed to be perfectly logical reasons. I did reason logically, but my outcomes and things I was reasoning were illogical to a point. Some of them could be quite true. However, I was basing my reasons on inaccurate, inconclusive, and past experiences that no longer apply.  When I took ALL of the information, adding their character, who they are in my life, and how they have expressed their feelings for me, it revealed that I was looping a negative anxiety loop.

My conclusions were based on rational (faulty) emotional reasoning.

My thoughts needed to be evaluated based on rational emotional and hard evidence based reasoning. It felt so good to see with clarity one of my tried and true faulty loops that has been with me since a child. It was empowering to be able to recognize my negative loop and be able to stop it. I thought about my reasons and quickly concluded that I was still feeling the aftermath of anxiety from last Wednesday. Yea! My mind has been getting dizzy too because the kids are completely engulfed with Pokémon. Everything is Pokémon! All three of them are talking non-stop about them. Drawing them, building them, acting like them. They are now Pokémon!

Ok, that is not true, but it feels like it.

Anyway, the good news is that the kids have been playing Pokémon very well together. There have been some heated discussions about it, but overall it has been good. It is awesome to see Daniel be so involved and remember the names and even act like Ash. I haven’t seen him act like any type of character before. He has been practicing making their animated faces and it is the funniest thing to watch. I asked him what he was doing and he said: “Making my mouth go down because I am grumpy.” Joshua said: “I make that face all the time. It means I am grumpy!” Everyone has their own Pokémon deck they chose Purrloin for me who happens to be a Devious Pokemon. She also has the abilities of Limber or Unburden Prankster. AND she is like a cat! They also gave me a deck of “dark” types, Zorua is in my deck. A tricky fox whose ability is illusion, you know it! Hee hee I am done!

Picture time!

 


 

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03/17/12

Short On Words — Me?

Oh, I confess that is not true at all! I am not short on any words…typing them or writing them that is. Speaking them is a different story. I get so flustered when in direct contact with a human who is being verbal – having letters spill — forming into words all over my existence. I can be very knowledgeable on a topic, one that I have researched extensively — yet fail to be able to say one single word to a person in real life. Online I can type away and spill it all. I lose my words as well when I am consumed by anxiety or too much sensory/social. This happened at the symposium the other day. I was trying to get my words out and they got stuck in my throat. My hands started moving, I could feel the heat rush to my face, my eyes were looking in all different directions, — and I was not facing anyone though. I do not know what I was looking at it was all blurry.

When I was in the workforce this happened often.

Many times people took my inability to get my words out as me not understanding. It made me feel terribly stupid, and question my own ability to understand. I would doubt I knew anything at all because I couldn’t even talk about it! In the right circumstances, I can speak without a hindrance. If there is distracting background noise, visual distractions, words that I am unclear to the meaning (not by definition by intent or context), social confusion, or a phone, you can guarantee to see my face start to fluster. My hands will start waving, I then acknowledge my hands waving, and grip them tightly, or put them in my pockets. My eyes start darting, my mouth opens, and closes, and sometimes if you look closely at me, you can see the tears starting to form. My face is blushed and my words are fumbling. I end up giving up, and just let people think I am dumb, or dingy. I have no choice the words will not form a sentence. My questions/comments that are rushing around are mixed up and bouncing in my head.

I desperately want to get them out, but they do not come.

I get confused by the other person(s), and shutdown, and my own inability to talk. My mind does not shutdown — it continues to play this repeatedly. I think of ways to try to let them know that I am not ignorant, that I do understand or that I don’t know and I would like for them to explain it to me. Many times by their response, I have assumed they already slotted me in the ignorant or dingy girl category. Their response can feel like they are condescending, frustrated, or annoyed with me. Those responses cause me to give up completely and feel like a failure. In the past, I convinced myself that possibly their attitude toward me was correct. Maybe I am too ignorant, and unable to comprehend. I must be lacking the skills to learn about things. Funny though I never stopped learning, I just hid it from everyone. I didn’t talk about it…ever! I kept my science mind, my love of numbers, and many other interests  hidden. I pushed all of my interests down, and convinced myself I did not know anything (Though they never left me.).

I hid any challenging knowledge I had gained.

I realized at some point, maybe six months ago (I can’t remember) that I had put caps on what I would allow myself to learn. I had a faulty thinking system. My irrational perception of thinking other people thought I was too dumb meant that I was not allowed to delve into anything I felt was too intellectual or academic. At the symposium, they touched a little bit on the topic of how Aspie’s can form irrational beliefs. The need for answers can cause reasoning skills to go into hyper drive and force illogical conclusions. An example was an Aspie teenage boy who loved math. He had applied letters to numbers and would create math formulas for fun. He came in severely depressed, finally, the doctor got to the conclusion of what was going on. The teenager had created a math formula determining that he would never get a girlfriend.

The actual solution to his mathematical formula was X. Y כ  Z.

X = I found out there is no God.

Y = I found out that I can’t get a girlfriend.

Z = I kill myself.

I was struck with empathy and overwhelmed with emotion when I saw this.

Not only could I see his faulty, though completely rational conclusion, I could see several of mine as well. This solution seemed completely logical, but it had serious problems. The doctor was able to help the boy filter through his formula and things turned out fine. It helped me a great deal to see this and to apply it to my specific thoughts about learning and feeling unintelligent. I have found in this past year that my attitude has changed a great deal in this area. I am not overly confident in my abilities believe me I know that I always have plenty to learn. However, I am becoming less timid or nervous about speaking on topics that I have researched or studied. I have allowed myself to learn everything I want to in the past five months or more.

I no longer think that I am incapable or unworthy of learning things.

The thing that has helped me most is realizing how much I was hindering myself. I shut myself up in a box and was so terrified of what others thought of me or how they would respond that I limited all of my joys. The things that make me who I am two of which are music and learning about many different subjects because for my mind they all somehow connect. They also briefly talked about people who are gifted. Celine Saulnier, Ph.D spoke about how people who are gifted can also share in many of the social devastations as people on the Autism Spectrum. She stated that gifted people are also outcasts and can have issues relating with their peers. This got me researching gifted people. The stigma behind the title alone has kept me away. I did not have any knowledge of what being labeled gifted actually meant. I found some great resources and saw many parallels with Aspergers.

One in particular gave details about women who are gifted. 

There were so many things in each one that I will have to dissect it later, after I finish dissecting the symposium. :-) I will share something that released me from certain words and feelings that I have had trapped in my head since I was a child. It is about questions. At some point I adopted the faulty thinking that if I ask a lot of questions, I am seen as dumb. It is irrational because I do not think that others are perceived in the same way. I didn’t even realize I was thinking this way until I started reading these articles. I asked a lot of questions as a child and I still do. The questions never stop. My curiosity is insatiable. I cannot gather enough information in my brain to ever satisfy me. My brain never stops — thanks to children, out of pure exhaustion I have gotten sleep over the years! Hee hee (I am by no means claiming to be a genius — I am only sharing what related to me personally and helped me. No insecurity in that statement, just clarifying.) I pulled this from Gifted People and their Problems by by Francis Heylighen I found a lot of great information in it. I did not intend to make this post this long. I am leaving with some excerpts from the article. I have to get us ready to go to Grammy’s!

Happy St. Patrick’s day!

“Another problem for the highly gifted is they grow up with and are often socialized by significant others who do not understand them well enough to guide their ideas and actions with valid feedback.”

Peers, especially children, are often confused by the highly gifted person because it is difficult to identify with their superior cognitive abilities. They may downplay the degree of superiority of the highly gifted by invalidating feedback. If this feedback is internalized, a self-conception may be constructed based on underrating the self.

Clark (1979) reported on a young female student who had spent 18 years believing she was not intelligent because she asked more questions than the others in class. Later, in Clark’s university class, when the characteristics of the gifted were discussed, the woman was so moved that she decided to say that she identified with the gifted even though she knew she was not gifted. She was so stirred by the class that later that evening she called her parents. During a conversation with them, the woman student found out that she has a measured IQ of 165. School personnel had advised her parents not to discuss her extraordinary IQ with her. This resulted in a low level of academic self-esteem and the ridiculous self-conception of being stupid! [...]
~~~~
As a highly gifted 12 year old described it: “A real friend is a place you go when you need to take off the masks. You can say what you want to your friend because you know that your friend will really listen and even if he doesn’t like what you say, he will still like you. You can take off your camouflage with a real friend and still feel safe.” [...]

The starting point, Dr. Noble declares, “is always self-awareness, which is not narcissism.And for gifted women, that absolutely includes the recognition of giftedness, because most women who are gifted, as you well know, think they’re freaks, and feel horribly different — isolated, alienated, ostracized, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ [...]

“Change has to come in terms of both social evolution and individual. Most of the women I work with who are gifted deny that they are, or are totally embarrassed to admit it. It seems I am always teaching women about the characteristics of giftedness, and asking them to look at themselves: ‘Even if you don’t want to admit this out loud because you think it’s immodest or because you’re embarrassed, at least in your own heart of hearts admit what you’re dealing with.’ [...]

Isolation seems to be a common issue for gifted women, Dr. Noble feels. “And part of the isolation has to do with introversion. Not all, certainly, but I’d say the majority of gifted women are introverted. And introversion by itself leads one to isolate. When you’re introverted in an introverted culture, there’s more acceptance; but America is a very extroverted culture. To be introverted in an extroverted culture is to sort of give you a double whammy.

“So along with understanding what giftedness is all about, it’s important to understand what introversion is all about, and that it’s a normal temperament, and they really get their energy from solitude. So they need that solitude. That’s healthy. In fact, to not make space for solitude really puts gifted women at grave risk for developing everything from depression to eating disorders, as a way of trying to create enough personal space, maybe totally unconsciously.”

“Another thing is that part of giftedness involves an affective awareness. Not a hundred percent of the time, but a lot of gifted women have intense radar; they’re very psychic, and that can intensify introversion, if you withdraw from crowds because you always feel raw, or pick up too much energy. So if you do have that kind of sensitivity, you really have to honor it, and respect it, and learn how to choose those energies that nourish you and avoid those that drain you. That’s hard. We’re learning all the time.”

“In terms of finding peers, you have to realize it is hard, and you have to work at it. [...]

The internet is providing the means to find and explore relationships. “That’s particularly important for rural women,” notes Dr. Noble. “It’s a little bit easier to find kindred spirits if you’re in a city, or if you’re connected with a university or some kind of idea factory. It’s much harder if you’re in the corporate world or the retail world, or at home with small children.” [...]

There are a number of qualities that gifted women possess that can easily get mislabeled and misdiagnosed. For instance, those gifted women who are very verbal are often told they talk too much. Now, it is true that many gifted women talk a lot.

~Kathleen Noble , interview by Douglas Eby

Interesting reads!

Characteristics of Gifted Adults & Gifted Women

Are you an undetected gifted adult who needs more information on adult giftedness?

Discovering the Gifted Ex-Child by Stephanie S. Tolan


 

 

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03/15/12

Excited-Overwhelmed-Relieved-Exhausted

Yesterday I went to an autism symposium featuring speakers Ami Klin, PhD and Celine A. Saulnier, PhD. The talks were great and I plan to share all of the information I gathered and learned from the day as I did last year. (You can read that here.) I need to process it all. It was a lot, but very good and positive. Judging solely on their talks, small portions of their research they shared, and their enthusiasm for advocating for the autism community I left feeling very hopeful. There seemed to be a constant message filtered throughout their talks.

In my own paraphrase:

“We have to do more to help the adult ASD community. We have to do more in helping get early diagnosis and intervention. We have to equip and educate parents better. We need to teach those on the autism spectrum functional abilities not just the act of doing them. (An example used was with eye contact.) Instead of only teaching them how to make eye contact, teach the functionality of why we make eye contact. Why is it important and helpful to make eye contact? What are the intentions/context of what is being taught to a child/person who is autistic?”

While that is clearly not exhaustive, I think you see why I was so hopeful.

I felt they had genuine motives for wanting to see children/people on the spectrum succeed in life. It will take a few days for me to get all of it written. I am still overwhelmed with emotion and sensory/social overload from yesterday. I need to process and deal with that before I can do anything else. I was doing great in the morning. It helped writing my Pi post it made me calm and focused. I was running a little late because of it, but I managed to leave on time. I was stressed because I had to stop and get gas, but I managed to stay calm. The drive went well; I listened to my music and enjoyed the nice weather. I forgot that I was going to have to go over the gigantic, humongous, ungodly enormous bridge that looks like it is only hanging from wires. I can panic on bridges; I think it’s the feeling of not being in control. I focused on getting over the dangling giant. An anxiety diversion for me is water. I looked at the huge body of water, quickly to get a glimpse of ripples that went across it and it made me smile.

I had to force myself to look back at the road though because I can be sucked into staring at water.

I finally made it to the entrance of the university and went blank. I could not remember which way to turn. The directions do not put the actual street that the building is on — I have forgotten this every year. It is not only me last year David got all confused as well, but in much less time than myself the year before. I turned this way, then that way, then this way again. I went into loops — I ended up in strange places on the university grounds. I could feel the tears welling up and my mind start to attack me. “Why couldn’t I find it? What is wrong with my brain? Why is it completely blank?” All of the scenery started to blend I could no longer determine which way I had gone before. I kept looking at the clock freaking out. I was so happy that I had arrived thirty minutes early, but now I was watching all of my minutes disappear.

Finally, when the tears started to become uncontrollable I told myself to call David.

I called and he didn’t answer. I called again and he didn’t answer. I really started to panic. I called again and he answered. I have no idea what all came out of my mouth. I was stuck at a light at this point (They have the LONGEST lights!) I started yelling things like: “Why can’t I find it? Why do I do this? What is wrong with me?” He tried to calm me down and he told me to pull over to try to calm down. I was only partially listening to him at certain points his words didn’t even sound like words. I started hyperventilating and couldn’t get my words out. In between deep breaths came:”I can’t-I cccaaa-cccaaa” I eventually screamed out a nice F-bomb three times. The people who know me well know that if I say curse words it can send me into immediate guilt. I do not condemn others for saying curse words, but I believe because of past things said to me I feel like I am bad or wrong for doing so. I know it’s not logical, but the feelings still come. I do not use many curse words. :-)

I was trying to get out that I could not pull over.

I was stuck in a traffic loop and trapped between cars in the flow of traffic. He gave me landmarks to look for and once I saw the first one my memory started to come back. I found it right away. I was so upset with myself because I had turned every turn, but the correct one and I didn’t know why! I didn’t have time to deal with that I made it right at 9:00am and quickly went in. Thankfully registering was a pleasant experience. I prepared myself for the panic of seeing all of those people in the room and trying to find a seat. I didn’t see people I saw blobs, and dark blue chairs. I looked for an empty chair and went for the first one I saw. I am SO thankful I chose that seat. I managed to ask if the chair was taken and the woman was very kind and said no and offered for me to sit there. I had planned to be in a shut down state after what had just occurred before I got there.

The woman was very social.

It ended up helping me quite a bit. She shared that her grandson had Aspergers and she was coming to the symposium to learn more and share it with her son. He lives far away so he was unable to come. My mouth had no control. My anxiety, stress, and the already sensory overload I was feeling from the room and popping sound system took hold, I had no filters. (Add lights, food smells, perfume smells, there were more, but I will stop.) I blurted out: “I have Aspergers, my son is considered high functioning (whatever that means), and that my other two kids show traits. I have a blog, there are many resources on there, and I have links to many other adults/parents on the spectrum and OH! I am linked to the Autism Blog Directory that has all perspectives and is very beneficial. They have some links for when you first get the diagnosis.” Blah, blah, blah She told me how I seemed to be doing well. I shared with her a little about my meltdown before coming in. (Side note: I later had a slight panic because I realized that I gave her my full name and blog address. I am semi-anonymous for various reasons so I had to tell her that I was anonymous.)

I did what I always do — I toned it down.

I never want anyone to worry about my mental state or be concerned so I tone down my actual feelings and act like everything is ok. I have had too many people misread my meltdowns as severe emotional problems when in actuality I am having intense physiological happenings and need to scream, throw something, sob, or say whatever is flying through my mind without judgement. I told her that I had learned how to hold everything in until I got home. When I said that out loud I had a moment of realization of how I have learned to hide so much about myself. I have learned to hide my quirks, my anxiety, my fears, my meltdowns, my interests, my love, anything. I have learned to hide so much of me and that is not living in this world — it isn’t even surviving. I don’t even know what to call that. I shook it off and continued to talk to her. In the middle of this, another woman came and sat down. I completely shut down. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I looked at my packet and stared. The woman I had been talking to jumped in and introduced me to the new woman. It was as if I was having an out-of-body experience. I was watching the woman introduce me, seeing her mannerisms, and hearing her words, but it was foreign to me. Yet, logically I know this is what I should have been doing for myself. However, I couldn’t.

The new woman was a mother of a son on the spectrum and a teenage daughter with Aspergers.

Both of these women were wonderful. The woman (the grandmother) who I had initially been talking to, shared with the other that I had Aspergers. I could see the comfort and motherly type feel both of them had toward me after I had shared. I had it flash through my head how I get this a lot. People want to take care of me, but I am so independent and capable in many other areas that it confuses them. It confuses me too. I don’t know what to do with it, I want to have people there, but I also do not want to depend on anyone. Strange. I felt at ease and calm when the first talk began. After the talk was a different story. I sat there listening to this man describe me word for word. I was consumed with the fact that I sat in a room full of hundreds of people and I didn’t understand any of them. I felt so alone, and isolated in my thoughts as he shared repeatedly how the autistic mind is different from others.

He never spoke about it in a negative context it was always with the purpose for the group to understand.

Still I could clearly feel that they did not. The words “This is a social disorder” rang through the whole talk. It was the first time I understood just how much I am socially disabled. I watched as people laughed at things that I did not get. I listened as he shared stories that were describing me or my children. I watched video clips of kids/adults on the spectrum that made my revelation solidify in my brain. I AM SOCIALLY DISABLED! The tears came up several times during the talk and I swallowed them down. I was both happy and sad at the same time. I was reading about me and understanding more of me — I was also realizing that I am indeed very different from many of my fellow human beings. One of the things that was mentioned was that those who are higher functioning tend to have higher anxiety and depression because they are acutely aware of how different they are. I had that hit me like a ton of bricks as I turned around and faced the other women sitting at the table.

Both of the women next to me shared how it was a good a talk. (Subject matter — it was somewhat hard to hear him.)

I sat staring holding back the tears and said: “I am overwhelmed”. I do not know what else I said, I tried to describe what I was feeling, and they immediately went into comfort mode. It was fine, but I wasn’t seeking comfort I just needed to process. I went into my sharing information about autism mode. It is a special interest and I have gathered and consumed so much information about it that I can talk for hours, days, and years on the topic! As we sat there talking I would wait my turn, talk, interrupt, say sorry, but continue to talk. They were very kind about it and didn’t seem to notice, I didn’t either, until the talk began again and he described how a person on the spectrum tends to communicate. He said that it is as if they have a continual conversation going on about their topic, they will stop and turn take, but they will begin where they had initially stopped in the conversation. It is as if they pause, and then start up until they finish to the end of their conversational loop. He said it is as if they are having a conversation with themselves at times.

Now some of this could sound negative it is not.

I am not giving full context so do not make any judgments of him based on these fragments. I am sharing this because he described exactly what I had done only moments before, but didn’t realize it. I thought: “OMG! I wasn’t truly listening to them I was thinking of the conversation in my head and what I needed to get out!” It wasn’t that I wasn’t listening to them — I was just more focused on what I wanted to say. I also realized that I do this in social settings that are not one-on-one. If I am one-on-one I can stop my conversation loop and pay attention to the person most of the time. In social settings with multiple people, it is too much. I need my conversational loop to survive. I need my special interest topic to be my focus otherwise; I will shut down, or get overwhelmed. There was so much more I hope to tie into the other post I will write. To give a feel though of how awkward it was for me at times he asked the question: “How many of you have counted the light fixtures in the room?” I almost raised my hand, but quickly realized that I shouldn’t.

I have counted them there are 258.

That is as accurate as I could be based on the three years that I have sat in that conference hall sitting on the same side every year. In order to get a complete accurate count I would have to walk the entire room, but I am fairly confident that is that correct number. There are also 12 rectangles that surround the huge rectangle. They keep all of the 258 square fixtures tightly tucked in a nice order. I had to place tissue in my ears because the popping and buzzing from the speakers were making it so difficult for me to sit in there. I covered my ears when they clapped, I was startled when their videos were too loud, but overall I held it together very well. When I left, I was feeling more positive, and I remembered to say good-bye this year to the women I had talked with. I did not the last two years in a row sorry other ladies I met before. :-) (Here is my post about the social stuff from that  symposium.) I think it helped me a great deal to see these doctors be so supportive and understanding to the autism community.

It also helped me a great deal to be next to these two wonderful women.

The grandmother, thanked me and told me that I was helpful. I really hope I was — she helped me too. The mother I sat next to, had many similar experiences in her journey with autism. It helped me to hear that she had the same struggles with her son at times and no answers as to how to fix it. Sometimes people/therapists can make you feel like you are doing something wrong if the method or ideas do not work for your child. Every child is different — what works for others may not work for my guys and vice versa. He stated that people with autism need to learn about themselves. I will write more about this later. It was very good to hear and confirmed for me that I am not the only one who has been utterly confused about who they are. Also, that I have been on the right track with trying to discover the “real” me this past year. They said every child/adult with autism is different, they need individual plans, individual helps, and they need to have their own success plan. To that, I say AMEN!

There were so many good things I want to share, but this is rather wordy already so good-bye for now. :-)

 


 

 

 

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03/14/12

Pi Day!

Yesterday I didn’t give the date any thought. I was busily cleaning and organizing Ariel’s room. We had a very light day for school because my anxiety filled with both excitement and stress were at high levels. The kids were filled with the same feelings because everyone had lingering in the back of their minds that I would be gone all day today. My thoughts were cloudy, silly, and racing. Thankfully, it was gorgeous outside and the kids got much needed running and playing out of their system. My mind started to focus on the silliest of things. I was in such an off frame of mind I started sharing my silliness on facebook. Then had a moment of panic that I shared then calmed down and redirected my energy.

My efforts went straight to numbers.

I started looking at some of my images I have tucked away on here. I went back to the image that I have up for one of my poems that I could stare at all day. When I first saw it made me think of flexure. That is actually the name of the poem. The image led to me thinking of curves, that led to thinking about swimming in the number 8, leading to backstroking into infinity, pulling my thoughts to materials that stretch and bend, discovering topology. From there I went on a quick journey of reading and researching many thoughts that ultimately ended with me thinking of Pi and writing a poem about it in a fun and whimsical way.

The way I see numbers. :-) Irrational Number

I just let you have a teeny taste of what happens in my mind during a 15-minute snack break around here. The good thing about anxiety is I have incredible focus on my special interests when it hits me. I am able to write poems very quickly. I can research something in record time. I have the ability to direct great amount of energy on something and get it done — this only works for my special interests. If I am asked to do something else during a spout of anxiety induced adrenaline rush, I cannot focus. My mind turns to fuzz, I begin to sweat, my heart races, I feel panicky, and it takes twice as long to get it done. If I am able to get it done at all. I have learned that when I am feeling this I need to let myself loop into my special interest. I have learned not to be sucked in for hours or lose time…most of the time.

It is much better for all of us when I allow my mind to seek comfort and stim.

I am going to the autism symposium that I have gone to the past two years today. The first year I ended up lost, in a meltdown, sobbing, and forcing myself to go inside. It ended fine it was the getting there that was awful and the effects of the panic, meltdown, and sensory that took me days to recover from. Last year I was so panicky that David had to go with me and that caused other forms of anxiety. This year I was feeling anxious and I am a little now, but it is not the same. I have taken extra measures to help me calm down and I am better equipped in what I need to do for myself. I did not have that last year or the year before. I was still condemning myself for not being able to be a “normal” person who can go to a symposium without a complete meltdown.

The negative talk has stopped.

I will feel comfort and peace with my little iShuffle. I will try to be as calm as possible leaving the kids with David all day. I will make sure that I have the cell phone on me. I will look over my directions another 50 times, even though I know how to get there. I will try to direct all the other thoughts bouncing around in my head on my excitement of what I will learn today. All of this meshing up in my head made me not realize the date. When I wrote my poem last night, I did not consciously realize that today was Pi Day. I usually use this day to teach the kids some cool things. We will do it tomorrow — if we are up to it with all the change from today. I thought it was funny when David said something about it being Pi day. He was surprised that I had not been talking about it all day. I was all: “What? Oh, Yea, Wednesday is Pi day. And I wrote a poem about Pi.” Hee hee

So Happy Pi Day I hope you have a great day!!

 

Piday.org

exploratorium.edu

teachpi.org

Mathematical Pi Song

Pi song 2

inmath.com

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