Tag Archives: sensory integration

12/31/11

Music-Clouds-Happy New Year!!

I am utterly shocked at the news that David shared with me this morning. I want to point out that it may not be as devastating to others as it is to me, but it was shocking. He confessed that he did not like a band that I am rather fond of. A band that was pivotal in my life, during my heavy metal era. They were actually the only band that I was obsessed with, did not have a crush on any of the band members, their lyrics rang deep into my spirit, and the screechy vocals and guitar riffs soothed my aching soul.  I related deeply to the sounds and the songs, and they both comforted me in my isolated feelings and depression.

I liked a lot of different music, but heavy metal did something for me.

I believe now it caused deep pressure and was much like a hug machine for me. Even though I am not a fan of crowds I was frequently found at rock concerts. I spent a large portion of my teenage years and young adult life at rock concerts. When I became a Christian I traded my “secular” concerts for Christian music concerts. Many times the music was as much “rock” as I could get. The sounds and feel of concerts energized me. I loved watching people sing in unison at any genre of concert. There is something about people all singing together that moves me. I would normally have my eyes closed, or I would fixate on one of the band members singing or playing their instrument. But when I would hear the band stop playing and everyone would start to sing together, I would open my eyes and watch.

It is such a magical moment.

I can see waves flow from the mouths of people, the calm enter, and for a moment in time there is complete peace. It occurs with only certain types of songs, but when it does I am so happy to stand outside of myself and watch the dancing notes floats around. This band that I was talking about will be inducted in to the Rock Hall of Fame. I had every album, (except the 2008) I sat up all night listening to them many times, and I would lie in my bed and let my emotion’s work through the tunes. I did this with several other bands as well, but I am talking about this one because I just got their greatest hits off of iTunes (gift card, yea!). I have been listening to them.

I have allowed myself to listen to them.

When I stopped listening to anything except Christian/worship music I threw out their albums along with many others…tons. I threw out all of my concert shirts and ticket stubs that I had collected. I cried when I threw them all out, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was for that moment in time, but now I wish I had them all back. I never got to see this band in concert and I was sad about that, they are none other than Guns-N-Roses. I was so excited when I discovered during my still listening to them phase that my boss went to school with Axl Rose. He was not much impressed with him and told me so, but he knew my love for their music and shared whatever questions I had.

It was so ironic to me because we were both over a thousand miles away from our hometowns.

Yet, he knew the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands. It really isn’t that ironic I guess, but we can pretend. I do not know how David and I got on the topic of music this morning, but for some reason G N’ R came up. He then disclosed his lack of enthusiasm about the band. Let me explain in a little more detail my obsession with the band, I knew every single lyric to every song even if I thought it was not that great. I could play air drums and guitar to perfection to each song, AND I had (still) Axl’s Rose’s dance down to perfection. I learned the majority of that dance first from Davie Jones of The Monkees — he does it quite well in this video of Daydream Believer. (Horrible sound quality, sorry…you can see it at around 1:26)

I connected to the band so much because it spoke my heart during that time in my life.

I read everything I could about them, and collected information about their lives. How could David not love them?? I know, I know not everyone is going to like my music. David is more on the punk rockish side, while I am more on the head banging side. Ha ha ha We do have different tastes in music for sure, but we are not limited to those genres. It is just funny to say. I bring this band up because I tried listening to them a while back and it hurt too much. I forced myself to listen to them, and write out what I was feeling. There was a lot going on in my life while I was listening to their music. It was between 1987-1993 that some of the most traumatic events happened to me, in regards to me listening to this band to sooth me. (I threw out all of my cd’s and tapes in 1999, and started replacing them with new music.). My favorite of their albums were Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. I waited in excited anticipation for those to come out.

During that time my best friend got pregnant.

She moved in with her new boyfriend and the one time sealed at the hip pods that we were was now severed. I ended up moving in with my second boyfriend, who did not attach to me like my friend. My friend’s brother was killed in a horrible car accident, and I did not know how to process the loss of her as a friend. I lost her to her new man, and then she completely changed after her brother died. I didn’t even know how to process his death because he was my first boyfriend’s cousin, and his best friend in the whole world. He was also very mean to me, lied about me, made fun of me, got girls to go out with my ex while were together, he was just plain mean. He called me horrible names. I was overwhelmed with the sadness for them, and the conflict of my own relief that this bully in my life was gone.

I felt horrible, and like an evil person.

I didn’t understand how so many people could love him. He was not only mean to me either, there were plenty of people including his family that he was mean to. I witnessed several times his bullying or tormenting being lashed out on his sisters, mother, and various other people in the family. Apparently around the end of his young life he had changed, and started to be a lot nicer. He got back with his ex-girlfriend who was very sweet, and they got pregnant. His life was changing, and my friend even told me that he had said very nice things about me before his death. I do not know if it is true or not. I didn’t realize how much that all affected me because I am currently tearing up a little bit. I have carried guilt for my feelings toward him — I felt abandoned by my friend I have tried to not let anyone get that close to me again. I felt emotionally abandoned by my boyfriend at the time. I started cutting myself regularly at that time. (I stopped cutting around 1994 I forced myself to stop, but still had the urges.) It was a very lonely and confusing time in my life.

It is a huge triumph to be able to listen to this band without any of these triggers hurting me.

There are several favorite songs I have of theirs, but three stuck in me Don’t Cry, I held on to and trusted in the lyrics to get me through to the next morning on some nights. Civil War rang in my spirit, and still does, and November Rain because where I lived the November rain was so cold, and seemed to last a lifetime. Also, because I believed them, I felt the lyrics and believed in them. I sat many nights sending out my thoughts, fears, aches, desperate cries of isolation, and longing out into the universe to be heard. I felt somehow all of me would be caught with others in this musical connection and it made me feel not so alone.

I don’t feel those specific alone feelings anymore, even those feelings that rose recently.

I have listened to the songs, sang loud, and did my Axl Rose dance with vengeance! Woot! Maybe they will do a reunion…probably not. I can pretend, and create a whole rock concert in my living room like I used to. :-) I haven’t even started the New Year here and already I am making some great changes in my life. I am looking forward to 2012. I know I am still working through things, but I feel stronger and stronger every day in who I am…becoming. I am also feeling able to be myself without a care. I still cannot believe David doesn’t like Guns-n-Roses, pure silliness. I’m kidding! I shouldn’t be surprised he doesn’t like a lot of my music, I always forget! I guess I have a good memory for certain things. Lol!

I bid you Happy New Year, I am leaving with a lovely song, and some clouds!!

The song is not a Guns and Roses song. It is much tamer and French!

Carla Bruni – L’Amoureuse


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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12/19/11

Crying In Wal-Mart

I am not talking about the kids. This holiday season has been a little different from the past. We have been doing a lot more social activities this year, and it has been good overall. Today is the first day that we have been home in several days, two weeks I believe. I may have to take my grandma to the airport later today, and I am taking Joshua out shopping tonight. I decided to take each child out alone with me so they could pick out presents for each other and for daddy. It has gone very well. Ariel had a wonderful time, and she loved thinking of things to get for them. Daniel was a lot more into it than I thought he would be. He did have a lot of fun and said: “I wish I could take a cart home.” I have taken them to Target and plan on taking Joshua there as well.

Maybe it is because I was raised in a Target and I worked there for long that I do not get as overwhelmed.

I do feel like Target is much calmer than Wal-Mart again that may be because I know Target. My mom started working there when I was 5 or 6 years old I think and stayed with them for around 23 years. Something like that. Anyway I am partial so maybe I am prejudiced against Wal-Mart. I bring this up because there are certain stores that can make me cry. It usually happens when I have been under tremendous amounts of stress, social anxiety, worried about finances, or the HOLIDAYS!

One of the grocery stores around here has made me cry.

It has on several occasions played songs that I have not heard in years that trigger certain happy/sad memories. BUT I will include that it is one of the coldest stores around here, the lights flicker, and the deli smell makes me gag every time I go in there so those could be a large contributing factor to my heightened sensitivity. I have had to go to the store practically every night, with or without a child. I had to go to Target the other day by myself and I decided to check out the boots. The kids ruined my last pair of tall black boots that I had since 1998. Well I do have one other pair of black knee high boots, but those have a heel and pointy toe so they are not the same at all. (Shoe obsession)

I went down the aisle and there was a perfect pair of knee high black boots, low heel so I could wear them whenever.

They were on clearance and only one pair for my size 8 feet. I grabbed them and put them in the cart. I then had a conversation with myself about being selfish and that I really should not get them. I then cried in the middle of the boot aisle at Target. The tears were a mix of feeling guilty, feeling stress about money, feeling the Christmas stress, feeling the stress of the kids meltdowns (though nowhere near what they have been like in the past), and the feeling of being so alien in this world. Some of this is not new — I have had it my whole life.

The holidays are so hard because of all the social dynamics, and people acting differently.

Since I have been out a lot more this year I think that my sensory issues have heightened a lot of this. I decided to get the boots and return them if we could not afford them. Thankfully I was able to keep them without guilt. :-) The kids are having a good Christmas because we purchased gifts throughout the year while they were on clearance. (and with family blessing us as well) I will hardly buy myself anything because my first thought is we have bills and we need food. I think to myself if I spend such and such amount on something that takes away from something else. It is hard to justify getting anything for me unless it is really cheap.

I got over my crying at Target and thought that I would be ok.

I ended up having to go to Wal-Mart several days later. There is nothing in one store around here! I have to go to five different stores to get everything and they are spread all across town. It is annoying even in a small town. AND now they have just built a Kohl’s store right across the street to taunt me for several reasons, one being my weakness for Kohl’s clearance. I am not a big frivolous shopper, but that store and Target tempt me like no other with their clearance. Well when I had money to spend. :-) Again I am all over the place, sorry.

I went to Wal-Mart and felt completely overwhelmed in the parking lot.

I went inside trying to focus and get what I needed, as to try to get out of there as quickly as possible. I couldn’t, I couldn’t remember why I was there, I couldn’t find my list, and I couldn’t remember where I put it. I normally check my person about three times before I enter a store. I check for my list, I check for my card, and I check for my keys. I had a purse that night, which I normally do not have. I forgot to check it. I stood in the front of the store completely lost. I know the entire layout of this store there is no reason for me to get lost. I was lost in the front! I finally remembered that I needed to pick up pictures and I went to get them. It required me to stand in line and wait that was good because I was able to locate my list and check for my keys and card to ease my mind.

After I left there I was still fuzzy headed, and freaking out because I was spending more money.

I went to the boys section to get them some pants because they only have a couple of pairs pajama pants. I stood in the middle of the boys section feeling like I was being swallowed up by the store and started to sob uncontrollably. I had my face in my hands and just cried. I couldn’t stop. One of the employees asked if I was alright, and I looked at her and laughed with my face dripping with tears. She must have thought I was mad. I wiped off my face, got some pants, and went over to the Kleenex section to take care of my nose. As I went throughout the store I continued to have tears if anyone looked at me, they would just start streaming.

I had floods of thoughts about feeling so alone.

It was not the lonely sad kind of feeling it was the lonely feeling misunderstood feeling. I looked around at all of the people and everyone seemed so capable. They looked like they were having fun or maybe it was the feeling of belonging that I saw. I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I was crying because I am incapable of being ok when I am off schedule for days. When my shampoo/conditioner bottles are not aligned in my shower because the kids keep messing with them and when my house is not as clean as I want it. When I have to go to stores on multiple occasions, and their lights and smells bother me. When I am surrounded by people and I cannot relate to them. When I feel like I am walking outside of my body everywhere I go. When my grandma is leaving today, AND when I have not had any alone time.

I think I just need a break.

I think it’s funny that I tend to lose all control in the middle of stores or in their parking lot. It is not a bad thing it is acknowledging that I am overwhelmed and it is ok if I cry in Wal-Mart. I am not mad, I just don’t like that store so much it makes me cry. No, I am kidding. I needed to write this to let others know that if you are crying too it’s ok. :-) Maybe we should pick a store and start to have weekly cry meetings. We can have sensory/social overload groups every holiday season. I am glad that my meltdowns have turned to tears and laughing fits because before I used to be a rager. One time I kicked a plastic dog and broke my toe. I felt horrible for that dog, he was fine though. My toe is still not even years later. :-/ I put him in the garage sale mom and I had this weekend, it went well.

After today, I think I am going to get some paints and canvases and have a little quiet time.


 

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12/16/11

I’m In Love…With The iPad

I have had a love affair with the iPad this month. I have used it with the kids for some time now, and it is great for them. Though I do have to limit it because it is quite visually stimulating. I have not heard of other parents talk about this, but if I let them stay on for too long, even over 15 minutes depending on the app they get brain frenzied. There are certain educational apps that are better than others in this area. They are not as stimulating and do not cause a serious overload, but it also depends on how the kids are feeling on that day. They can either go in brain shutdown or complete overload. I am not sure if others experience this too with their kids. Everything I have read speaks about how great it is for their autistic child. (Or maybe I have heard of something, but I am so out of it I can’t remember.)

Oh, well every child is different.

Personally I only used it off and on, I was fascinated by it and wanted to play with it, but it did make me very dizzy. There was too much movement and my head would feel off after going on there. I don’t play games so I wanted to do other things on it, but would get too vertigo-ish feeling. BUT when I had the flood of words coming out of me and I couldn’t stop I needed a computer attached to me as I was with the kids, or sat at my mom’s dog sitting, or whatever I was doing. The kids would do some school work and I worked on the iPad. How did I remedy my dizzy dilemma? I hooked up a keyboard to it and for some reason it seemed to help me. I didn’t have the same problems as I had before.

My theory is that having to use the touch pad and then trying to type as well was too much for my brain to process.

Possibly there was too much concentration going into pulling up, trying to remember where the letters and numbers were, putting it back down, going back to one app, then to another, going to Safari, then back to my documents, searching, having to use my fingers differently, and the many other things that were requiring me to think longer than I normally have to. Change, and it’s not mine. I am used to tapping the keyboard keys and most everything is right there for me. I truly became much faster and less chaotic once I attached the keyboard. I also had to get over my whole feeling that the iPad was tainted.

I have been rather rambunctious about getting my own iPad.

David doesn’t understand, and I am not sure how to explain it. I JUST WANT MY OWN! I don’t want anyone else touching it. Just like my computer. I do not want anyone touching it, looking at it, thinking about it, licking it, nothing! It’s my PC and I want my own iPad. Yes, I can be quite the child when it comes certain technological devices. I want my own mp3 player, with no one touching it or knowing what I have on there. I used to be that way about the TV, but not so much anymore, although I am quite the dictator over what is allowed on it. I am this way with my books, my school stuff, my clothes, my shoes, MY STUFF. It’s mine. However, we cannot afford another iPad so I have to share.

After having kids my attitude has changed in the area of sharing, nothing is mine. :-)

EXCEPT my PC, and one day I will have my own iPad to fall madly in love with and keep by my side. I will hug him, and squeeze him, and love him forever. Until then I will just have to share, and have affairs off and on while the kids or David are not using it. Who knew a lovely flat screen, little beauty could make me so happy, it has so many wonderful apps for me to use, it plays whatever music I want, movies, and let’s me type to it, and talk to it forever without ever tiring of my topics. It seems genuinely interested. It helps locate information, feeds my brain with knowledge and ideas, and NOW I can have all of that in my lap! Not like a bulking laptop, that crashed on me and abandoned me in my time of need. I won’t talk badly of him, but Mr. Laptop could have tried a little harder. He wasn’t as cool anyway. iPad and I will be a bit more involved in the coming weeks. :-) Hm..Maybe I should try the keyboard with the kids.

Yes, I love the iPad, and I am not ashamed. (Until I get my own, I kid! maybe)

Oh! Look at him.

Yes, I did spend entirely too much time looking up iPads, and accessories. And I did end up spending too much time looking at other gadgets as well. It is a weakness. “I Love Technology” Can you tell I have gone into silly sensory/social overload? Meltdown mode right around the corner I am sure! Maybe not if I keep making myself laugh. :-)


 

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11/11/11

Making Our Way: Autism Video

I watched some of this video (link at the bottom) yesterday, I am currently watching the rest of it and writing this. So far, I find it to be a very good video, I do not like the narrators voice though. It is kind of bothering my body. Sorry lady. Temple Grandin is giving details into the autistic mind. I really like how the video is using visual descriptions to give a more realistic feel for the people watching. I find it interesting that Temple used Google as an illustration as how her mind works, I just wrote that in one of my posts about my own brain. After I wrote that post, I also found where she said that her brain was like a web browser.

Some people do not relate to this analogy of the autistic brain, for me I find comfort.

I have been describing my brain in computer terms for some time, but not that openly out of fear of sounding idiotic.However, it never really clicked for me until I read her simple explanation in one of her books about communication, describing the autistic child’s brain using an illustration with computers. When I read that all of the information that I had gathered about computers flooded my brain and finally at that moment I understood how my brain works. It was a pivotal moment for me because all my life I felt like both sides of my brain were fighting against each other, but when I understood how my brain processed it showed me a way to start making them work cohesively. (Ironically there is a Yin-Yang reference about the brain later in the video, I had not seen that part yet when I wrote this.) I am still a work in progress with all of that, but the more that I relate to myself and see and read things that help me understand myself I am able to find my balance.

The video describes the different types of the autistic mind.

As I watched it I discovered that my brain cannot be labeled under one. I tend to have a mix of the various types of autistic mind mentioned, I am a pattern, abstract, word, and auditory thinker. Although predominantly I am a word thinker, but they all flow and work together. I think there are many of us like that, and I would hate to see autistics be limited to certain types of thinking. I do think that it is a good thing to have these explained. I do think that it is very important for people to have videos like this bring understanding, but not to be limited under labels.

The emphasis on seeking early intervention is a great message.

I believe that the early intervention that we did with Daniel was what helped him find his way of communication and later his speech. They talk about sensory issues, which I think is awesome too. Many of the things that the parents in the second segment describe was exactly how Daniel was in many areas. I came up with makeshift therapy tools around here to help him. Echolalia is something that Daniel and I both do, I have done it my whole life and so has my mom. I learned to keep myself silent and do it in my head, at times though my mouth will move or I say it out loud anyway. We have scripted responses, I used films, books, and music to help me know what words to use in conversations. I did not realize that I did this, it had become so automatic for me to pull up pattern or situation and apply the phrases that I had stored.

You can hear Daniel walking around the house repeating scripts to himself at any given moment.

He is doing it right now playing with Joshua. He is repeating what Joshua is saying and mimicking what Joshua is doing with the Lego’s, then repeating Joshua’s words. In recent months he has been repeating and mimicking, but then also adding his own thoughts or ways of playing. He has been adding to the conversation and using his imagination in more creative ways. Back to the video, I like how the parents have become positive about their son. I like how they are accepting of him, and see the need to advocate for adult services as well. I am stopping my writing now, it is on the segment about crisis situations. (I’m back for a second) Oh, I just watched the last segment with Deborah Lipsky, wow! She just described where I am at and gave great defining factors between tantrums and meltdowns as well.

I recommend watching the video I see it as a positive and enlightening one.

(Apparently I was clapping and laughing at the end of the video without realizing it, while David was trying to talk to the kids. He almost said: “Stop it Daniel.” HA! Giggle, giggle learned or genetic clapping, I am unsure. :-) )

Making Our Way: Autism

 


 

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11/4/11

Communication My Trauma? II

It has been hard for me to accept emotions that do not seem logical. I can understand loving my children because they are my children, I am their mother. I assume that I would automatically love them, but it makes sense to love them as well because you are supposed to love your children. Does that make sense? I am processing, forgive any nonsense. I have learned to only put emotions like overwhelming love into writing or other “acts” like giving gifts, pictures, music, etc. because the words are too powerful for me. I also do not use words unless I truly mean them when it comes to deep emotions. If I say them out-loud it is incredibly difficult, scary, and significant. I do have categories for my emotions and the categories have different definitions for each word according to their placement. I can get confused by people saying things to me like: “You made me feel like this, how does that make you feel?” I DON’T KNOW! And if the person keeps on, I get so detached that I feel nothing at all.

Nothing, void, blank, hollow!

When that has happened I have felt attacked because I couldn’t explain myself. People do not like to hear that you feel nothing, for some reason it makes them angry. I would like to say that this has been with one person, but in actuality it has happened my whole life. It has made communication, relationships, and emotions very traumatizing and difficult. Social activities for people, everyday communication, and relationships are normally fine for others. For me, it is as if I am a gazelle in an open field just trying to eat grass, but surrounded by a pride of lions. I don’t even know how to explain my fear and trauma from what I have experienced with other people’s emotions. I have lived with the fear of hurting people and I try so hard not to, but somehow I seemed to do it quite often. (So I perceived. I am reevaluating my perceptions and people’s reactions in this process.)

I have throughout my life hurt people and have not understood exactly why.

For a person who feels that one of the worst things you can do is to hurt someone, it is devastating to discover that your words, actions, and own expressions cause other people pain. It was one of the reasons that I stopped writing for a while. I felt tremendous guilt and anxiety about what I wrote. I even stopped myself from writing what my true feelings were and only wrote what I thought I was supposed to feel so I would not hurt anyone. I tried to convince myself that my form of expression was wrong and should not be shared. I though i should only fluffy things to make people smile. I withered inside and became a shell. But I do not understand my emotions except through writing them through various means. It is the only way I know how to process and understand what I am feeling and discern what is real from fabrications.

I am trying very hard to associate positives alongside the negatives.

I am working on accepting the shades of gray and blend the good and bad together so that I do not continue to feel like I am being attacked or waiting for the attack. It can be a hard task when all of your sensory pulls up information connected to all of the details your brain has stored up for a lifetime. It is hard to filter through and live life trying to understand communication. Your own way of communication then adds to other people’s. It makes me wish that there was a program that would easily plug into my brain so I would not have to worry about it anymore. Not really, it sounds good until I think it through. :-)

I know that I am using an extreme by comparing PTSD symptoms to my trauma with communication.

I am not saying that it is necessarily PTSD. I am looking at it through a comparison to see how it could be very traumatic for me (possibly others on the autism spectrum) compared to others. I have triggers with words, songs, pictures, voices, weather, objects, on and on that will manifest conversations and events where I was confused, distressed, or completely taken aback. I relive the words, actions, facial expressions, mannerisms, the places we were, sounds, smells, colors…I can recall everything. I relive how I felt and the pain or confusion I experienced. The complete helplessness, fear, and anxiety. Whether this is my heightened sensory processing, autism, or PTSD, it doesn’t matter. It happens to me and it can be hard to relive. (It could be all three.)

I am learning to process them through a different lens.

The negatives that hit me, I am writing them out through a poem or story and I am turning them into positives. Some of the poems or stories may not feel so good to others, in my opinion they have a positive outcome. They help me to blend my black and white to find my gray and be ok with it. I get scared about gray. It is so unpredictable. It has no distinct lines. It swims and doesn’t have clear rules. It makes me uneasy. In order for me to be ok with it, I think upon things and people that make me happy, the few people who make me feel understood and safe.

They make me feel safe stepping out to find the gray.

I have been writing my thoughts and personal experiences about communication. I am hoping all of this helps me eliminate many of the fears that I have had. As I write, I am realizing the many ways that I have misread people causing me to create negative loops. There are many other times that I have NOT misread people, but they were unclear or claimed that I was misreading them and that caused me negative loops. I will be exploring more about my loops in the next post in this series, I think. I am not sure I will ever be alright with communication, relationships, and emotions, to be honest I do not know one single person who is.

If they say they are I would be cautious of them. :-) (ha ha ha get it? “cautious”?)


 

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11/1/11

Halloween and All That Jazz

Last night was our first attempt at trick-or-treating. There are several reasons why we did not before, like we don’t eat candy around here, I am a stickler for the history of holidays, and have been known to boycott a holiday because of being upset at the fact that it has been commercialized and no one knows it origins, or why they even celebrate it. Yes, I have let this go a bit seeing that the kids have fun is more important than my stance on the importance of holiday origins. However, we did spend all last week learning about the history of Halloween. I also explained why it was ok to go to strangers houses to get candy when normally we do not go to strangers houses and we NEVER take anything from a stranger.

I had to explain about not going to a strangers house in great detail because Daniel wants to go into everyone’s house.

He always wants to go into someone’s house to see if they have a ceiling fan, how many ceiling fans they have, if the fan is spinning, how many blades it has, and a plethora of other ceiling fan questions that need to be answered by examining everyone’s house in the neighborhood. Last night was no different, but now he had excuse to look in their house. I had to stop him a few times from entering a house where he could see the fans. He asked them about their fan and their confused faces when he said: “There is a ceiling fan!” while trying to nudge in the door was priceless. All of his attempts failed and after a while he finally stopped trying to get into the houses. He said with excitement: “I can’t believe everyone has a ceiling fan.” While Ariel and Joshua were saying: “I can’t believe I have a lollipop! I have three lollipops!”

They were amazed at all the candy and we only went to a few houses.

They had a great time and got one piece of candy when we got home. They all wanted a lollipop. Ariel and Daniel ate a tootsie pop, but couldn’t finish it. They are not used to that sugar, Joshua finished his dum dum sucker. :-) The excitement was a bit much and I remembered what I never liked about Halloween, all of the people. It didn’t hit me until we started walking around that I get incredibly anxious about knocking on doors. I hated it as a kid and I still hate it. It’s like talking on the phone. The person behind the door is unknown, unpredictable, and their face, house smells, attitude are a mystery. It puts me in a state of anxiety. Thankfully, Ariel and Joshua have no problem with that, Daniel was a bit apprehensive at first, but when he watched them and then noticed the ceiling fan, all was well.

They had practiced all day what to do.

They practiced their scripts with each other and went over different scenarios, such as if someone asked them what their costumes were what they would say. They practiced saying, “Trick-or-treat” and “Thank you”. It was great to see them enjoy themselves. They also knew their limits because after about 20 minutes out there, I was severly overloaded by the people and cold weather, when I said we were only doing one more house they were fine with that. They did awesome at listening and staying close. David had Ariel and Joshua when Daniel was lagging behind, he and I took it slower. He was a little taken back by all of the people as well. The darker it got the more the strobe lights and sound effects were going on, which is not good for Daniel or myself.

It messes with our heads much more than the others.

One house was congested with people, and that made us flustered, it turned out to be a bunch of parents who knew each other standing around blocking everything. The kids and I finally walked through and a boy who was about 10, I would say definitely on the autism spectrum, was talking loudly and had a great smile on his face. He was just talking away and then noticed Daniel. It was a unique moment where they both looked at each other and seemed to know each other. The boy wanted to walk with us trick-or-treating, but in the chaos I could not see his parents. He continued to talk and seemed to be directing it toward Daniel and me. We got split up and we were at the end of our adventure anyway. I really wanted to find his parents, but it was too much chaos.

Everyone had a lot of fun and we even did our family tradition of going to Target.

They had a hard time going to sleep, but they finally dosed off and have been overloaded and grumpy today. We are not doing any school today, I don’t know how other kids do it. Today they have been talking about how great and fun it was. Daniel was even talking to his stuffed bear about everything that happened and what he liked about about it. I heard him talking about the ceiling fans, candy, the fire truck that he was afraid was going to make a loud noise, and about the candy that he cannot have. :-) After I got my costume on,  he came running and said: “Mom, oh wait, you are not mom, you are Padme. Padme, can we go now?” He called me Padme until I changed into my regular clothes. Lol! I loved watching these guys have fun and get so excited. It was great to see them not have any anxieties and feel the freedom of being kids.

It is such a great feeling to experience my kids.


 

 

 

 

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10/28/11

Big Picture Ramblings

I must be back in a “seeing numbers in everything” loop because they have been popping out at me again lately. I normally see numbers, it doesn’t go away, but when they operate in this loop they become breathing and moving organisms in massive settings. I see them dance, play, fold, mesh, and flow out of things. There is an added intensity because of their color or how some numbers come at me in black-and-white. I really enjoy when the numbers play with me. They have been my close friends for a lifetime. Last night I went for a bike ride, and as I was saying: “hi” to all of the trees and bushes I noticed how their leaves or trunks would fold into numbers.

I could see bunches of numbers, double digits, or single digits.

I was in high-speed last night because I had a lot of energy and wanted to ride my bike like a maniac! :-) As I flitted across the road I was captured by pine cones and their numbers, a lizard that popped out as a striped 21, a black spider crawling he was an 8. Spiders always remind me of eight, I am sure it is as simple as their number of legs and pairs of eyes. I rode past the ponds and the ripples flowed into masses of numbers folding into smooth calm reflections. The sky made the water look pink in the silhouette of the trees in the background. They all blended in number and color. I also noticed that their vibrations were forming the numbers, the vibrations of the still tree trunks. The bouncing of the sounds from each number, color, and vibration I saw in the scenery surrounding me.

That is my “big picture” thinking.

I get captured in the details of these things and lose track of time and even the things going on around me. I think this is why I could spend hours outside by myself as a child and even as an adult. As a child I was outside from the time the sun came out until it was too black to see. As long as I was in eye-shot my mom was fine with it. I get intrigued by certain things and they can make me start thinking and seeing things with a certain intrigue to investigate this world. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to “play” basketball. We had a great time, but the sound and feel of the bounce and vibration of the ball does something to me. It wakes up some sort sensory chamber and gets me seeing with intensity. I think this may be a reason that I would practice dribbling so I could watch and listen to the world that it opened up for me.

I have found no other ball that does that for me. 

The sounds are not the same when you kick, or throw, or toss a ball. A kick ball has a nice ping sound, but not the same and it does not produce the dynamics of acoustic waves that a basketball does for me. This sound, sight, and feel of the tiny bumps on the ball give some sort of sensory stimulation in me. It helped the flow of numbers and colors that were already at play manifest in a greater way yesterday. For me all of the little details are the big picture, but others would say that I am caught up in the minute details. It reminded me of the poem I had written the other day Hidden Lyrics. I wrote this poem based on a vision (movie) playing in my mind. I was transported into the depths of a human heart. As I looked around it twisted into DNA strands, which to me manifest into lyrics.

I was captured by the strands of a mass of people.

The strands had music and lyrics that twisted and folded into helical formulas. The DNA strands each coded with every person’s own genetic formula, any missing spaces had silence, but then would wrap into lyric and song. There was certain code that had no words only a tune, but they all flowed together into what made the person. Their songs still playing and twisting out, but some lyrics were muted. They rose to the surface to create a person and the individual was born. I mixed the poem with my own personal emotions as well, but in all of those details I saw the “big picture”.

It makes me wonder what it truly means by big picture.

What do we lose when we do not reflect on the minute details to look at a mass as one instead of seeing the “one” as the mass? The other intriguing thing about this poem is the picture. I found the picture after I had written the poem and when I saw it I thought it was perfect. I so wish I could paint or draw what is in my mind fully. I went to the page about the artist and was captivated. This taken from her bio caught my attention. “Crick explores this idea through encaustic painting and print-making by mixing impulses from both sides of the brain: logical and random, methodical and intuitive, textual and visual.” I recommend reading her bio and checking out her art. I find it so interesting that several months ago I started my attempts at painting and drawing, but the images I felt would be perceived as childish or silly.

I never thought I could paint or draw the images that floated about in my mind, or I thought I would be laughed at.

The paintings that started to come out of me were swirlies, infinities, numbers, and strands of what look like infinities connecting to each other or through each other. These painting or doodles help me a great deal to process and they make me very calm. After searching for images for my poem blog, I became aware of how many other artists are out there painting these images. They are from all walks of life. They are extremely spiritual, scientific, or no beliefs at all, they are angry or full of joy, and they have beliefs that range from organized religion to New Age. I find it interesting and fascinating that we are all separated yet connected. It gets me thinking about what causes our divisions amongst our human clans. What is it that keeps us hiding our lyrics from one another or stopping to listen to another person’s song? I know why I do. I drown out their lyrics or tune because they confuse me, hurt me, anger me, or judge me.

I would like to know what it looks like to have harmony with our human songs playing and being heard together.

I am not going to bust out the Coke Coca Cola song, ok I am! Too bad I do not drink soda. :-)   Seriously, all of this has me pondering about the big picture because I am supposed to be focused on that and not the details according to the world. However, the world seems to be missing a lot of the big picture by not seeing, acknowledging, or even stopping a moment to see what the details actually have to tell us about their big picture. I guess that is my rambling for the day. I am off to have some fun with the kids and gather up all of their details. :-)


 

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10/9/11

Funday Foto Fest II

Buttons, baby doll, school fun too. Lined up cars, helicopters soar, fall trees, kitties galore. Sister’s cake, wear your helmet indoors please, new frog’s grassy swim, black cat meow, Happy October blogginstiens. :-)

p.s. I hate chalk.


 

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10/9/11

Funday Foto Fest I

Ariel and I have been painting, drawing and doodling a bunch. Joshua and Daniel not so much. Joshua did partake in a couple of paintings. Ariel named all of the pictures and they seem to have a common theme. Her dragon drawings have now eased their way down the hallway, on almost every wall of her room, and most importantly have surrounded her bed. She said that she had to make all of these dragons to feel safe in her room. She said that they protect her from fear of shadows. Fascinating. She also made several Halloween pictures, I have a few here. She cracks me up, David walked in on her the other day and asked what she was doing she said: “Reading Frankenstein.” She was, she then told him all about the scientist that made a monster, but she didn’t understand why people got upset with the Frankenstein monster. Hee hee She is awesome. :-)

 


 

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10/2/11

Removing Emotional Connections

I have been thinking off and on for days about my sensory and feeling connections to “things/talents/emotions/people” (copied from Lisa). I have been trying to figure out how to sever ties that bind into the deep connections in my brain. I have found no answers. After reading a couple posts yesterday from Lisa and Bruce, it brought even more thoughts to my mind. Lisa shares about the negative emotional connections that she has with one of her talents, though it is not limited to just one that she feels this with and Bruce shared about how possibly “passing” for “being normal” can cause burnout for an Aspie. In a way I see these as linked. I know firsthand that my emotional connections can be overwhelmingly good or negative and my constant trying to “pass” as everyone else has caused me to be exhausted and unable to function at times.

I will start with the emotional connections.

For me music is a big deal. It lives in me and if I have a memory, person, event, smell, whatever connected to it I will relive all of it, good or bad. I have been trying for weeks now to gain music back for me. I no longer want it stolen into the painful heart pings that I have been feeling. Even the good ones are starting to hurt and I do not know how to get it to stop. I will add here though that with it turning to fall, this could be a major reason  because I always get kind of down as it turns to fall. I am at peace, but I feel down and a bit melancholy. It is a strange affair. Comfort and sadness. Anyway I have been trying to make the songs my own. My feelings not what I have associated with the songs. For some reason though, if something bad happens it takes over all the good and I cannot remember the good anymore.

I then have to cut off music for a while.

I do the same thing with movies and many other things that I enjoy. An example of this was a movie that David had asked me to watch over the years, I refused. I would not even look at it. I couldn’t because it was linked to a very painful time in my life. I did end up watching it not too long ago and it was a great movie, but then something happened where I made a negative connection and now it hurts to even think about it. I have done this with writing and dancing as well in the past. I completely stopped stories and poems for a while because it hurt too much. I only wrote prayers or my thoughts, but I admit I could not stop the poems or stories sometimes. I hid them away for no one to see because I was afraid to share them with others. I had negative associations with people’s reactions and I could not. For me to write a blog, share my poems and stories is a very big deal.

At times I get so scared, but I feel that I must do it.

I have taken back those talents and I have taken back dancing more so over the years. I still have some negative associations with it at times, it is linked to music so that could be the issue. However, I have been having dances and memory of past dances fill my mind and I can dance them with joy. I am trying to get rid of some of these darker emotions that I normally leave trapped inside of me. I have been writing them out trying to get them away from me. I do have some darker stories, but I always see hope in them. My hope is to gain my hope back into the things that I love. I want to be able to see the connections, events, and situations that have caused me such pain to ruin a beautiful song, a movie, or other things that I enjoy, so I can possibly understand and let it go.

I want them to be free from those emotional connections.

I do not know if I can. I am a very intense person. I have full body, emotional, spiritual, and sensory experiences. When I love something or someone I give it all, I think that it is so intense because I am very limited in my ability to connect to emotional love. When I do I can hardly contain it, it is very difficult. The same goes for when I am hurt or angry. It does take a lot to make me angry, but I do get angry and when I do it is not pretty. When it comes to hurt though that seems to be a regular that I know. I do not know how to handle it other than try to escape from it. Escaping is trying to shut down my emotions in some way. I finally realized some of the ways that I have done this.

One way has been reality shows.

I will be honest I cannot stand reality shows. I do not like watching them, they annoy and confuse me. BUT they are perfect to get sucked into and not think. My problem is that I do. I do think about why they are acting like that on TV.  Why would they go on a show to get a husband/wife?  Why would they go into a house with a bunch of people just to live and act crazy? Why do they put themselves out there for the world to see? When I was under a lot of stress several years ago I started watching different types of reality shows. They were horrible and I didn’t like them, but they helped me to become numb. I was picky about which ones I would watch, it was mostly those that were geared toward people’s daily lives not competition shows, unless it was cooking.

I still watch So You Think You Can Dance.

I do not vote or watch anything except the dances though. I also get sucked into watching shows like Psyche and Monk because I like their quirky ways and it doesn’t require much deep thought. Though I still find myself finding something to research or investigate while watching them. One of my favorites to have a marathon showing is Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I think I have seen every episode about 20 times. (possible exaggeration)

I got so fed up with myself with the reality shows that I told David to get rid of cable.

I couldn’t stand what I was doing to my brain. And the knowledge that I was doing it on purpose was sickening to me. I have been wanting to do it again, find shows or music that is numbing so I do not have to feel. I can’t this time though. I need to try to work through this and I really wish I knew how. How do we gain more positive emotional connections than negative when the negative seemed to have consumed so many of the good ones? I am hoping to discover that answer. I have other things that I do, Lisa called them “rituals” to help me. I have certain things that I do to try to help me cope and like she said when I do them and I am misunderstood, I tend to shut down or stop. Which causes me to loop and get stuck. One of the things I have done my whole life is to write it.

Whether it was true or not, I wrote it out.

What I mean by true or not is that it was a real emotion or feeling that I felt, but it may not have been the actual feelings of a person or the situation. This causes a problem as well. I connect emotions or feelings perceived by me of others to “things/talents/emotions/people”. This could be completely wrong. There are times when it is an actual event or situation, but then there are other times I can only go by what I think. And a lot of the time what I think has been skewed by my inaccurate perception of how people feel about me. So how do I disconnect false emotional ties to “things/talents/emotions/people”? I don’t know.

This is also where I see the connection of “passing burnout” that Bruce spoke about in his post.

I have been so exhausted trying to study people, their behaviors, the social dynamics that I still do not understand after reading about or I forget. It has become so much easier just to mirror and hide behind another person. I thought it was anyway. Actually, it has been severely damaging to me. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was just my way of surviving many situations that I had no idea how to deal with. I have lost so much of myself that I am gaining back now and that is good.

I do take responsibility for it.

I was tired from the physical, social, spiritual, emotional dynamics of work, church, family, and friends. Plus I have done it multiple times throughout my life as a means to survive social situations, even though I didn’t realize it. (As I think about it, I am not sure that there is truly any responsibility to be owned.) I spent a lot of time passing off as one of them and it made me physically ill. I was emotionally drained and when the babies came it was a relief to have such a distraction from the world. They were a wonderful distraction. Really I enjoy them as my distraction. :-) They helped me a lot and it has been quite easy to make them the forefront of social situations and hide behind things.

I don’t have the energy or strength to mirror people anymore.

I cannot “act” while in public and try to handle/understand autism/myself at the same time. It is too much and too exhausting. Now I am trying to have self acceptance and freedom to be myself with all of my oddities, but anything I perceive as negative is associated to music, books, people, buildings, on and on and I get stuck. That means that when I do act like myself and any autism traits come out that are misunderstood or misinterpreted they get connected to whatever I am reading, listening to, watching, wearing, person I am talking to, etc…And I want to shut down.

I see why I am fearful of moving back to my hometown.

I do not even know what will be triggered if I go there. That is why I am working through this now. I must find a way to work through these emotions in a positive way. I want to enjoy the things that I love without them being stolen because of past experiences. I also want to accept myself fully and not let that be stolen either. I cannot “pass” it has not worked and I will no longer be able to do it. I like me and I want more of me around. I am rather fun at least I think so. :-)   I guess this is my next big challenge. Hopefully people will answer on Lisa’s blog and I can gain some good ideas. In the mean time I will be reading and looking some stuff up.

I get really puzzled by Theory of Mind, that is part of the problem as well.

I continually forget that others do not think what I am thinking or that they do not know what I am thinking. They read me wrong because it comes from a Neurotypical point of view or at least from their own perceptions, morals, ideals, desires, motives etc… It may have nothing to do with being an NT. I am normally thinking of the other persons needs or wants over mine so it is foreign to me to think that they do not do the same thing. I have mentioned that before, but I think that may have something to do with the deep emotional connections that I have. The confusion of another person not thinking of me or how they are making me feel is very confusing and hurtful to me. Situations, people, events, or how people responded to my talents would definitely link deeply to me if I felt that they didn’t care as much as I did or they treated them with disregard. Or being verbally abused while operating in a talent/situation or belittled in some way would do it. I do hope my ramblings make sense here.

I am just processing, I’ll see what comes out of this. I have nothing, but hope. :-)


 

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