She chased after me and wouldn’t stop but then she kicked me out of the house.

I was 15 years old and only allowed to take what I could wear on my body and I was not allowed to take anything that she had gotten for me. I went item by item telling her who gave them to me or if I had purchased it myself. Then out the door I was sent at 12 am, running down the high way. I called my boyfriend at the time after I had run clear across the city. The next morning my mom didn’t remember anything and wanted me home ASAP. I didn’t want to come home. This all started because my mom came home late again, drunk, I had been watching my little sisters and was pretty upset that I was always at home with my sisters so I am sure I had an attitude, she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it shattered everywhere. She looked at me and said “Clean it up!”.

I said “You clean it up, you did it!”.

And the game was on. My mom still doesn’t have memory of this night, but there are several like this with either my mom being like that or myself. We have always been very honest with our feelings and at times we have misunderstood each other which would escalate in rage. That was the only time it was ever that violent though. When I was a  child, my mom was pretty aggressive too, though that was how she was raised and she was a million times better than her dad but she had her moments, now that we look back; a lot of them were triggered by sensory issues, social anxiety and the stress of being a single mom. It doesn’t make it ok, she does not feel that it was right but she just didn’t know any other way at the time.

As I grew up, those moments terrified me thinking what kind of parent I would be.

I never wanted to have children unless I could be sure that I was going to be able to stay home with them and not have anger issues. I did not want my children to ever go through that. And now that brings me to my meltdowns, I have them but I no longer throw things or freak out to the point of blacking out but I do get overwhelmed and angry, especially at what seems to be unjust. My children do not get my meltdowns directed at them. Sure they get in trouble, I have yelled at them to stop or have told them that is enough when they won’t stop; but when I am in a full-blown meltdown I leave. I will leave the room, I will go to David’s office, I will go outside, I will do whatever to ensure that my children do not get the brunt of my inability to control myself.

I know it sounds like I am  in control but I cannot always control my mind to make it stop.

I have to ride the thing through, in some cases I need to hit things, slam a door or two, jump on the trampoline, run, work out to some crazy Tae Bo work out. I need something to get it out, I would never do anything to my kids but I do not want them to be around me like that either because I am easily aggravated and could say something mean. I can feel my mind going into that mode, before I was unaware of it, I just thought I couldn’t do anything and I condemned myself for being an evil person. I know that I am not evil and the only reason I say that is because others have called me evil when I’ve had a meltdown. I am sure my actions seemed quite evil, like when my ex-husband lied to me about paying all the bills for months, and it turned out he had not.

I started yelling and screaming, I tossed my bookshelves over and threw my books all over the place.

I couldn’t stop, I just kept yelling at the top of my lungs “YOU ARE A LIAR! A LIAR! I CANNOT TAKE ALL OF YOUR LIES!” There was no calming me down until after I was able to get it out. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening, I went to my room and read and listened to music. The next day I was fine and I was over it. My mind had begun to think of options as to pay for these bills and when I spoke to him he was angry. I didn’t understand why and I thought he was overreacting. I couldn’t see until the last few years, reading about similar situations through the eyes of ASD that as a neurotypical that could be very upsetting. (I still think he was wrong so I am not all that compassionate about the lies but I am about my behavior.)

When I say freak out it could mean many things.

I could shut down completely and have no words. I can’t speak, while slamming doors, cabinets, whatever that may be in my way. It could be me jumping up and down screaming, hitting a wall – in the past I have  punched walls, it’s been a long time since I did that but the last time I did I hurt my hand very badly, storming out of the house, throwing things, turning up my music as loud as possible and singing and dancing until all of the rage leaves or I cry. Full blown hyperventilating crying that won’t stop. Recently, I described how I was overwhelmed in my post  Sigh, when I do yell or scream they are not directed at my children and I do not do it very often at all, just like the most recent episode it is under extreme panic mode but David is always there and I usually snap out of it quickly when I see or hear my children.

When I am feeling the reactions of my mind start to build up, I get away from the kids.

If I happen to yell or something…like the other day I had too much sensory overload and social stress, Joshua was crying, he too was feeling the same thing, but I needed him to stop crying. I had to put my hands over my ears and all I could say was “Stop crying! Stop crying, please, please stop!” I then changed what I was doing, I held Joshua and we both just rocked. After we both calmed down I explained to him why mommy was saying that. Ariel was helping and said, “You know Joshua when we get overloaded and our brain isn’t right, that is what mommy felt.” She is so great. He understood and told me that he was feeling it too. We all just needed a break from people, places and change.

The majority of the things I am writing about here are from the past.

I haven’t really had meltdowns like I have described for a very long time, they mainly got better when I met David. Having David has made it much easier to express myself. I have the freedom of telling him why I am upset, or if I don’t know why, he is very supportive of that as well. Having a husband who has accepted me and allows me to say whatever is on my mind without condemnation, guilt or reprieve has made my meltdowns much less. I didn’t realize how much worse it is when you are unable to express yourself. Having to hold it in for fear of rejection, being ‘institutionalized’ (that is another story) being called crazy, among a few makes a huge difference. The main thing that has changed my meltdown issues is that I am heard. David hears me, he lets me say whatever and it is valid. He has helped me see that it is ok to have emotions and express them and I have taken what I have learned and use it for our children.

Our kids have valid reasons to them for being upset and it is ok, but it is how we express it, not that we are expressing it.

Accepting Daniel during his meltdowns has made a huge difference, giving him a different way of expressing it has helped all of us tremendously. He is able to use his words better to communicate his feelings but there are times when he either isn’t sure why he is upset or doesn’t know how to communicate it but instead of hitting he is still using the “growl method” and it’s working! Ariel and Joshua are starting to understand how to communicate their feelings as well. They will share with us why they are angry with us, sad or happy. They explain it especially when they are angry. Ariel: “I am very angry with you mom because I want to paint and you will not let me.” They are also getting better at telling each other, Joshua: “Ariel, you need to stop touching my Iron Man’s because that makes me angry.”

It is pretty funny but it has helped us not have fighting matches in our living room.

Asperger’s

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Sensory-Issues-Practical/dp/0967251478/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253138340&sr=8-2

http://www.amazon.com/Teaching-Raising-Children-Spectrum-Disorders/dp/1932565191/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253135599&sr=8-2

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Difficult-Moments-Practical/dp/1931282706/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253135666&sr=1-1

Sensory Integration

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Sensory-Smart-Child-Integration/dp/014303488X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253135750&sr=1-2

http://www.amazon.com/Out-Sync-Child-Has-Revised/dp/0399532714/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253135811&sr=1-2

http://www.amazon.com/Out-Sync-Child-Recognizing-Processing/dp/0399531653/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253135811&sr=1-1

Nutrition/Gluten-free

I only have a cookbook all the other books I read on gluten free were from the library. Here are a few great links.

http://www.gfcf.com/

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/gluten-free-diet/DG00063

http://www.celiac.com/

Even if you don’t have celiac disease these are good sites with a lot of info.

http://www.amazon.com/Gluten-Free-Cooking-Dummies/dp/0470178108/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253136454&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Family-Nutrition-Book-Everything-Adolescence/dp/B000EHSMKE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253136611&sr=1-1

Home school

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Bookworms-Getting-Pleasure-Empowerment/dp/098158330X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253136698&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Science-Young-Children-Rosalind-Charlesworth/dp/1428375864/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253137371&sr=1-1

We got the Math & Science for Young Children used, we paid less than half I think we got it on half.com but I can’t remember.

http://www.amazon.com/Words-Their-Way-Vocabulary-Instruction/dp/013223968X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1253136866&sr=1-1

We got this one used too.

There is no need to buy every book on the market but David and I both have “special interests” (ie. obsession) in teaching our children and anything to do with AS. The best thing to do is check out different books and resources and see which ones best suit you. Every person has a different journey, each AS person and child is different and no one should ever feel obligated to do what other people do. Always seek out things and resources that fit your personality and ways that you learn and teach. Be yourself even when trying to find answers. Onward on our journey!