I am reposting my very first blog post along with some additional thoughts in celebration of my four-year blogoversary. Originally, posted May 13, 2009.
I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said, “Let’s go I can’t have that.” Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.
My twins were finally here!
I held Daniel right away, but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.
I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.
I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and “normal.” At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was around three. My single mom worked her butt off, but we were still in the lower income class up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family – that was my life.
Later my mom being remarried having their own children, everyone belonged except for me.
(Several years later divorced again, now a single mom with three girls.) The torture of being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember – abusive relationships and my turmoil with wanting friends/relationships, never “fitting in,” but desperately wanting to still longing for solitude all at the same time.
No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!
I thought that David and I could be stable; we could work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely, our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?
I am adding to this post now. (May 19, 2013)
A lot has happened since this first post. I have learned much and I have changed a great deal. My expectations of “normal” are diminished and I no longer carry the burden of society’s delusional view of normalcy. I have spent the last four years educating myself on many neurological issues. Before I had only focused on certain aspects of Autism, aspects that were skewed by other people’s lack of understanding and my own misunderstandings. When I started this blog, I was still heavily reliant upon others to help guide my way through this world.
I had lost my voice completely and became a shell of me.
I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was – I was too busy trying to find answers and help Daniel. I became dependent upon David to tell me whom to trust and about the world. I had become isolated, depressed, and anxiety ridden. The day I wrote and published this it was the day that my subconscious had had enough and took over to try to pull me out of the pit I had buried myself in. There is so much more that I could write, but at this moment, I feel that I am done.
My writings from May 2009 are only shadows of person that I am having a hard time relating to.
She was make-believe, hidden under the voices of everyone else. The only thing that is still the same is my love and utter devotion to my children. Sure there are traces of the real me throughout all of my writings. It is rather hard for me to articulate my true meaning. However, it has only been the past year that I uncovered layers of myself that I was unaware existed. A lifetime of my “self” being smashed down for the sake of trying to survive this world had blinded me to many things.
I am proud of all that I uncovered about myself.
By gaining the knowledge that I am Autistic, I have been able to accept and understand myself much more. My official diagnosis helped me a great deal, some do not need that, but I needed it for my self-acceptance and healing process. My self-esteem has boosted a bit, and even on days when I feel inadequate I know that it is only a fleeting emotion based upon other’s perceptions or inability to accept me. I have accomplished a lot in these four years. I feel that I am a better person – I am a real person. I have always been honest; I shared what I believed in that moment of time to be true.
However, we are all in a constant state of change.
Our views change, our interests may change, our understanding about our world changes, if we allow ourselves to be continual learners we are open to a lifetime of change. I think one of the things that I noticed looking back through my older posts, is that though my perspectives and views may have changed, my character and values have remained. I care deeply for people, I am willing to be vulnerable and open for the sake of healing and helping others, and my children are everything to me.
Those are just a few I can think of off the top of my head.
This poem was originally on the first post. I did not edit it. It was a moment of my heart and I still feel this way.
Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.
The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.
Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.
We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.
They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.
They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.
Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!
They are perfect in every way,
being themselves as they play.
All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.
My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.