Tag Archives: sensory integration

05/19/13

Four-Year Blogoversary!

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I am reposting my very first blog post along with some additional thoughts in celebration of my four-year blogoversary. Originally, posted May 13, 2009.

I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said, “Let’s go I can’t have that.” Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.

My twins were finally here!

I held Daniel right away, but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.

I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.

I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and “normal.” At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was around three. My single mom worked her butt off, but we were still in the lower income class up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family – that was my life.

Later my mom being remarried having their own children, everyone belonged except for me.

(Several years later divorced again, now a single mom with three girls.) The torture of being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember – abusive relationships and my turmoil with wanting friends/relationships, never “fitting in,” but desperately wanting to still longing for solitude all at the same time.

No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!

I thought that David and I could be stable; we could work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely, our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?

I am adding to this post now. (May 19, 2013) 

A lot has happened since this first post. I have learned much and I have changed a great deal. My expectations of “normal” are diminished and I no longer carry the burden of society’s delusional view of normalcy. I have spent the last four years educating myself on many neurological issues. Before I had only focused on certain aspects of Autism, aspects that were skewed by other people’s lack of understanding and my own misunderstandings. When I started this blog, I was still heavily reliant upon others to help guide my way through this world.

I had lost my voice completely and became a shell of me. 

I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea what it was – I was too busy trying to find answers and help Daniel. I became dependent upon David to tell me whom to trust and about the world. I had become isolated, depressed, and anxiety ridden. The day I wrote and published this it was the day that my subconscious had had enough and took over to try to pull me out of the pit I had buried myself in. There is so much more that I could write, but at this moment, I feel that I am done.

My writings from May 2009 are only shadows of person that I am having a hard time relating to. 

She was make-believe, hidden under the voices of everyone else. The only thing that is still the same is my love and utter devotion to my children. Sure there are traces of the real me throughout all of my writings. It is rather hard for me to articulate my true meaning. However, it has only been the past year that I uncovered layers of myself that I was unaware existed. A lifetime of my “self” being smashed down for the sake of trying to survive this world had blinded me to many things.

I am proud of all that I uncovered about myself. 

By gaining the knowledge that I am Autistic, I have been able to accept and understand myself much more. My official diagnosis helped me a great deal, some do not need that, but I needed it for my self-acceptance and healing process. My self-esteem has boosted a bit, and even on days when I feel inadequate I know that it is only a fleeting emotion based upon other’s perceptions or inability to accept me. I have accomplished a lot in these four years. I feel that I am a better person – I am a real person. I have always been honest; I shared what I believed in that moment of time to be true.

However, we are all in a constant state of change.

Our views change, our interests may change, our understanding about our world changes, if we allow ourselves to be continual learners we are open to a lifetime of change. I think one of the things that I noticed looking back through my older posts, is that though my perspectives and views may have changed, my character and values have remained. I care deeply for people, I am willing to be vulnerable and open for the sake of healing and helping others, and my children are everything to me.

Those are just a few I can think of off the top of my head. 

This poem was originally on the first post. I did not edit it. It was a moment of my heart and I still feel this way.

My Kids

Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.

The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.

Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.

We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.

They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.

They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.

Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!

They are perfect in every way,
being themselves as they play.

All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.

My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me.  It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

panicIt was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/21/13

I’m Too Tired… Product Of Overload

I was going to attempt to finish the post I was working on, but my brain is just too exhausted. I am fighting with an array of emotions for many different things. This week was a rough one for Daniel.  He refused my help on several days, and I was not able to bring any peace. This can make me fall into sadness and negative thoughts. The reason is that I get overwhelmed with thoughts like, “I am the only one who knows how to help him and if I can’t then what?”

I have fears run through my head about never finding a positive solution to help him.

I know that this is not true. However, when I do not get sleep, breaks, and the school schedule is overwhelming for the week, I get tired. As I write this I seem to have an apologetic tone.  In a way, I do feel like I should apologize. I have this feeling that I should be sorry for not having all that it takes to be a parent that is fully capable of handling every situation that arises. That sounds ludicrous writing it out, but I am sure I am not the only mother who has or has had those thoughts.

I have given my energy to helping all three of my children and doing my daily tasks.

I should not feel as though I am less for not being “spot on” with everything this week. Sometimes I have no idea what Daniel needs, MOST of the time I do. However, those times when I think of everything possible, I do everything I can think of, and then, go in search of answers and still find none, those days seem to wipe out all the other days that I do have the answers and can help him. He is much better today and this week looks promising. I am drained and quite honestly ready for school to be over.

I need a boost to get me motivated for the last couple of weeks of school.

It is not helping that I am extremely frustrated with standardized testing. I have read entirely too much about it the last three days and it is getting to me. I think if I take the rest of the day off from thinking about school stuff tomorrow and reading that information I will do much better. I hope. I need a break from negative language starting from how people talk about themselves or our world, to how people talk negatively about autism. I thought about what could have happened to Daniel this week if he was in a school setting.

I thought about how he could have been treated.

I thought about how people would have perceived him had they witnessed what he was going through. I knew that most likely they would not have considered all that he had done in the two weeks prior. Not because they are inconsiderate, but because the way we process and are affected by change, environments, sensory stimulation, and social dynamics are so foreign to them that those things would not be in the forefront of their minds. They would not have considered all of the social activities he had done. They would not have considered everything that he was still processing from all those situations. They would not have thought about all of the sensory input and social settings that his brain was still pondering.

Without clear context for some because many of them were new for him.

They would not have considered the weather changes, pollen floating around, or how the pressure changes affect him. They may have thought that he was being unruly and obstinate by refusing to take his tests or work on his research paper. Tests that are about 50 questions with reading comprehension and math problems that he has not done before. A research paper that I have had to convince him repeatedly to work on over the course of several months that is due soon. He still sees no purpose in it and this coming week I have to find a way to convince him to try to write a few paragraphs of it.

Sigh… that makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.

He is feeling better, to force him to do so much handwriting, well that could be too much. Granted he has had several months to work on this, but it is a challenge to convince him to do assignments unless he finds a good reason for it. I tried many different ideas and repeated some. The one that worked this time was reminding him how much he loves sea turtles. I hope it lasts through the writing part. I could be wrong about how he may have been treated. We could find a great school staffed with grand teachers who are able to devote such time and energy on thinking about my son’s needs and how his brain processes.

It is not out of the question.

The reality is even the best teachers are not always equipped with the time or resources for that. These thoughts do ring through my head because when I cannot help him, I begin to question whether homeschooling is the best for him. When I thought about all of that, the one thing that did help him when nothing else could was reminding him that it was ok. When he said things like, “Why do I do this?” I explained to him how he is affected by all of those I mentioned earlier. It helped to understand that nothing was wrong with him, we just needed to find better ways to help him decompress. Some of his behaviors were not ok and the positive is that he knew that.

He tried very hard not to fall into them.

When he did, he apologized or said that he did not know what else to do. Now that is HUGE progress. I can understand not knowing what else to do. I can understand much of what he was feeling; I only wish I had the answers to help this week so that both of us could have had a better week. The most important things that happened this week was that Daniel knew that he was accepted no matter what and that he was understood. The week is over, we are moving on, I had to process, (I have my own overloadeness that needs to be processed as well.) and now I am letting it go. All is good despite the freaky weather! (Ariel and Joshua did just fine, they each got extra alone time with me or David. I have found that helps a lot when we are having a rough week.)

Picture time.

 

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04/17/13

Book Review

I was asked to review Asperger’s Sibling Support: 15 Practical Tips for Parents/Caregivers. The book was written by Trish Thorpe. It is written from her experience being the younger sibling of an Aspergers sibling.

fisheye

I was very interested in reading it because I have my own concerns and challenges with raising three children. One diagnosed with Autism and my other two who show many traits. While they are most likely on the Autism spectrum, (working on diagnosis) there are similar issues that happen in a family with Autistic and non-autistic siblings.

As I read the book, I did have to pull out of my own Aspergers thinking and not take words literally or personally. I think that is a good thing. When I read her words, I was able to see from her perspective as well as place others who are in my own life into her position. In doing so, I was able to see how much of her heart to share and help others was written into this book. I share that because there is much talk about how Aspergers/Autistics are perceived as people that lack empathy. It is a touchy subject and it is addressed in the book briefly.

My personal experience reveals otherwise, however, from others my actions and behaviors have been perceived as lacking empathy. In every case, we are individuals and express ourselves in unique ways.

I felt that the book was an excellent guide to help with children, especially younger ones, in order to help them to understand their world with an Aspergers sibling. I think it is a beneficial tool for parents to help know how to communicate to their children about Aspergers; the challenges and the benefits of Aspergers.

It gives great bullet points and short precise helps. The book shares simple examples that can be applied quickly and with ease. It gives insights as to how to help better understand and have compassion for their sibling with Aspergers, but it also addresses that the needs of non-autistic siblings should not be ignored. I think that is extremely important too.

I believe this would be a great book for anyone who has a child(ren) on the spectrum to help them know how to communicate to their other children. It may be a useful guide to teachers as well.

I really liked the way that she was positive and gave more resources to help seek support for siblings.

I have linked above to her book and website for more information.

Go check it out! :-)

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03/27/13

If You Were Our Cat …

This is a bit of a lighthearted post today. I am emotionally tired. I have been processing a lot. My mind is becoming clearer each day, but that comes with a mix of emotions. I felt I needed to get some things out of my head and I decided to write a lighter type of post. I sat down and wrote a list of things that are common questions, phrases, statements around here.

So pretend for a moment that you are Mr. Nathaniel Pawthorne.  

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You are a lovely tuxedo, brilliant kitty, who frequents the halls and rooms of our humble abode. While your padded feet scurry around meowing at all the critters that taunt you through the windows, you may find some amusement in this adult with her three children, as we seem to run similar scripts on a daily basis. I am not sure how the cat is able to sleep in the midst of the entire goings on here, but he does. He gets in the middle of meltdowns and he meows, rubs up against us, head butts, and lies near us when are sad or happy. Notice I did say, near; he is not usually a lap cat. If he decides to partake on a lap-loving adventure it is a rare treat. I do wonder many times what that kitty is thinking. He seems to be a happy fella though no matter what is going on. (He soaked up the sun today and gave me a nice half asleep face for that photo.)

Here are some things  you might hear that popped in my head in a matter of minutes. 

What is that smell?

What sound it is?

What IS that sound?

My panties don’t fit right. (Three to four changes later) Yes, they feel right.

How many times have you changed your clothes today?

What do you mean you don’t like that, you did yesterday?

Stop flipping off the couch.

Stop standing on the back of the couch.

The cat does not like that.

It is time for school.

Yes, you have to write today.

Why do I have to write?

That’s too loud!

Where are my headphones? (Noise reducers)

Why is it so bright?

Mom, mom I’m hungry.

Mom, mom can I eat this?

Mom, mom I have to go potty.

Mom, can I eat this?

Yes.

Mom, can I eat this?

Yes.

MOM! Can I eat this?

Boo, I said yes already.

OK! I did not hear you. (Even though he was looking right at me and I know he heard me. Lol!)

Do you smell that?

What does that mean?

What did he/she say?

Why did they say that?

Stop jumping off the chair.

Don’t answer the door.

What do you want to eat?

Why are you crying?

What is wrong? (Followed by) I don’t know.

Are you mad?

Are you sad?

Are you happy?

I don’t know.

You cannot have all of your toys lying on the living room floor.

Why?

This is too much chaos!

I can’t eat that it sticks to my teeth.

I cannot eat that it is too soft in my mouth.

I cannot eat that it smells funny.

I cannot eat that it takes too long to chew.

I can’t wear that it itches.

Giggles, giggles, giggles

Will you play with me?

I love you.

Can I have hugs?

I don’t want hugs!

No kisses!

Why can’t I stare into a spinning light for hours?

Can I play the iPad?

The car makes me feel sick.

Can we watch Lego Chima?

Singing.

Dancing.

I like you.

This is fun.

Bickering about anything.

No, I do not want to leave the house.

Can I go with you?

Can you read to me?

I want to read.

Bouncing on balls and a lot of laughing.

What is inside of my body?

Why do I have blood?

Why are you getting in there?

Get this off my hands!

I need to wash my hands.

Mom, mom I need to wash my hands.

Mom, mom! The soap thing is on, why is it on!!??

It’s sticky on my face.

Don’t jump on the trampoline like that.

You are breaking the trampoline.

Oh, no! Don’t run down the stairs.

Did you hear me?

Are you talking to me?

Where is my recorder?

Why do I record?

Where is my clock?

Why do we have to sleep?

Why does the day go by so quickly?

I will stop there.

Yes, all of these can be heard on most days in this house. Oh, there are many more I could add, but I left it to the simple questions … I will not include all of the complex questions, observations, interrogations so forth and so that go on around here. :-) I have to go do the dishes so I need to wrap this up. It could be any one of us with many of the things I shared. I confess the boys call their undies “panties.” They are far from panties they are boy undies, but somehow the word panties stuck. I really do not have an issue with it. I think it is quite funny. We are just a happy bunch of sensory overloaded, question asking, singing, and laughing silly willy’s. (Daniel’s word) Nathaniel is often heard purring and he talks all the time, so I am pretty sure he is ok with all of this. :-)

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01/3/13

Zumba With The Kids

I have been trying to think of things to do with the kids that would be active, fun, and social. My aunt mentioned that there was a Zumba class for kids at the YMCA and I thought it might be fun to try. When she told me that the class was full of little girls, I knew Joshua would definitely want to go. I knew Ariel would want to go because she has been asking to play with other girls for a while. I was not sure how Daniel would react, but I wanted him to try it. I thought he would enjoy it if I could get him there. I mentioned it on Tuesday to see what their response would be.

Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Hey, guys on Wednesday there is a Zumba class for kids. Would you like to give it a try?

Ariel and Joshua: What is Zumba?

Me: Remember, we have the Wii Zumba? It is like dancing and working out at the same time.

Ariel: Oh, yeah. I remember, the class is for kids?

Joshua: I don’t know if I would like that.

Me: Yes, Ariel. It mostly has girls in it, but there may be more boys.

Joshua: There are girls? (!)

Me: Yes, there are girls. Will you try it?

Joshua: Yes! I can meet girls, I can make friends, and then, I can get married.

(At that point, I was laughing so hard I could not respond. He literally, leaped into the air with excitement and jumped onto my bed.)

Daniel: I can meet girls and get married, YAY!

Joshua: Now Daniel, you have to make sure you get the right girl for you. If they do not pay attention to you, or they walk away, they are not a good fit. You need to find a girl who is interested in you.

Daniel: I need to pick the right girl. If she does not pay attention to me, she is not a good fit.

Ariel: Mom, why are the boys talking about getting married? We are not even old enough to get married.

(I was still laughing.)

Me: Ariel, I do not know why they are. Boys, why are you talking about getting married? You do not need to worry about that right now. We do not go places and meet people only to find someone to marry. Joshua, why are you concerned with meeting your future wife? (I think Daniel was only repeating much of what Joshua was saying.)

Joshua: I want to have a girlfriend so when I grow up I know who I will marry.

The conversation finally settled with “they are too young to worry about that right now.”

Daniel has informed me numerous times that he will stay with me until he finds a “wife who will replace” me. Egad! I am sure all of this will change once we get into the teenage years, maybe. (?) Ariel is not too concerned with these things she has more important things to do, like read, write, paint, draw, listen to music, etc. I am not sure why the boys are so “fixated” on finding a mate. It is not a constant thought, but it comes up when girls are mentioned.

I had to share that conversation – I thought it was too funny.

Back to Zumba – last night we went to the class. It was so much fun. We all stayed in the back, at first, because we arrived a little late. I unfortunately, forgot Daniel’s noise reducers; we were on the other side of the basketball court. They had a divider up, but between the loud music, the instructor being loud through the microphone, and the basketball players it was a lot to process.

It echoed in there too.

Daniel, Joshua, and I all had a little trouble with that. Daniel almost shutdown, but I managed to talk him into staying by telling him that I would show him the swimming pool after class. It was great that he was willing to continue. I knew he wanted to, but at one point he said to me, “I do not know the dance,” as he buried his head into me. I am going to work on the choreography with them until next week. It may help him feel more comfortable.

I was pleasantly surprised by how we were received.

The instructor acknowledged us and right away made hand gestures, asking if it was too loud. It was clear that Daniel was having a hard time because he was glued to the side of my body. Ariel and Joshua got into it and were having tons of fun. When we took a break to get water, the instructor asked me if it was too loud. I told her that is was a bit too loud. I also he said, “He is autistic.” I was told that I should inform any of the instructors when we go to a new class.  She said, “I figured. I knew right away.” I looked at her a little puzzled and relieved, she smiled and said, “I have a nephew who is autistic.”

I felt so happy.

Since the move here, I have encountered so many positives concerning attitudes toward autism. I never know how people will respond because in the town we were in before it was always deemed in a negative context. I can be hypersensitive at times. I tend to expect the worst because of the many negative encounters I have had over the years. It feels so good to have people be understanding and sympathetic in these ways. Even small ways like this mean the world to me. She interacted with Daniel, which made him very happy.

When we started again, Ariel left me and went to the front row.

She told me later that she needed some time “to feel comfortable” then, after that she said, “I wanted to go to the front so I could focus and learn better.” :-) Joshua stayed in the back with me, he and Daniel were the only boys. They were fine with that. Daniel latched to my body the whole time. I held him, put him on my back, I tried to help him by having him in front of me while doing the movements with him. Mostly, I was doing the Zumba dances with him on my back. I got an excellent workout. He was laughing and smiling, he did enjoy himself. He told the instructor that he would come back next week with his noise reducers.

All of had us a great time, we will keep going as long as they are up for it.

I am looking at other classes as well to improve on our social, physical, and sensory challenges. My anxiety levels have lessened going there because of this positive experience. It makes me sigh great big happy sighs, to have so many positives experiences with the school, with several people here, and now at the Y. It helps me not feel as though I have to be on guard at all times. It is helping me drown out quite a few of the negatives. Not that they will not happen, it is only that now I have gained more positive scripts to loop on instead of the negative ones. I hope that came out the way I intended. :-/

So YAY! For Zumba, new adventures, and many more positives!

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01/1/13

Happy New Year!

I am so glad I wrote out my post yesterday before going to see my family. It helped to get that all out of my brain. I was able to focus and enjoy everyone. The kids enjoyed themselves very much too, which is great! We managed to stay about three hours. Daniel told me when he was ready to go, I asked him if we could wait for 15 minutes longer so Joshua and Ariel could prepare to leave and he agreed to that.

Very positive!

Yesterday was a challenge for him so I was unsure how the evening would be in a house full of people. It gets really loud. He did wonderful, kept his noise reducers on the whole time, but also engaged and talked to people. I was so happy to see him do that because the last time we went there he shutdown and hid in the dining room. He wanted to talk to people. He was also happy. He did take some breaks and played on the piano. He loves the piano. I do want to get the kids into lessons, but it has not worked out yet.

We got them a digital keyboard for Christmas.

Daniel has been playing it every day. He has been learning the keys on his own and making music of his own. It sounded good and I am not just saying that because I am his mother. I am a finicky music person. :-) I know, I know I got sidetracked… I did not have any triggers or stressors take hold of me.

I enjoyed being with my dad.

I had a very good talk with my uncle, I tried to explain to him the disconnect I have with my emotions. I explained that many times I have been unable to discern my emotions from others. He shared how he feels other people’s emotions everywhere he goes and has learned to use it to help others, or at least he is able to distinguish his emotions from others, he has honed in on that ability in time.

I did not go into detail on how I have read about all of this stuff with Asperger’s and with The Highly Sensitive Person.

(They do not know about me being diagnosed.) It gave me a lot of reassurance and more confidence to trust in my “gut instincts.” I lost much of that confidence from being isolated from others for long. I also started to doubt my instincts because of the unfortunate church experiences that I had for several years. I have always felt a certain connection with this uncle; however, it has been an unspoken one. I meant that we have never really talked or stayed connected that much – still I have felt a silent understanding with him.

I have felt this similarly with some people throughout my life – very few, some nonetheless.

He gave me encouraging words and things to ponder for redirecting negative thoughts. I had a great talk with my aunt that I had a “situation” with the last time. I wanted to mend any feelings because even though I have been confused and hurt by her through the years, I still would like to have positive relationships with everyone. I asked her all about our family history. I had a feeling that she may be holding onto our ancestral information sure enough she has the documentation leading all the way to Pocahontas, so it true. We are in fact, so it seems related to her and apparently, she had a birthmark on the side of her neck like me. Interesting.

However, I am the constant skeptic so I will believe all of that when I see the documentation for myself. :-)

I did really well with my social skills. As I wrote my post yesterday, I was connecting visual images in my mind to remind me not to set off my own triggers. I tend to forget what to say and what not to say and it sets me up for expectations that cause me confusion with my family. Instead of blurting out what I have been doing or talking about things that I knew would cause me confusion, or feel as though I am instigating, when I am not. I kept my mind on all of the positive things that I enjoy about my family.

In the last few weeks, I have finally grasped the fact that I have been looking to my family for support that they do not know how to give.

I had a friend share with me that she too had difficulty with her family understanding her child’s challenges. His are a little different from Daniel’s, but he does have very similar sensory challenges as all my children do. She helped me through a rough time a couple of weeks ago. She told me that I needed to find my own support. Look for people who I connect with and feel comfortable sharing. I actually have many supporters virtually, but some days it gets very hard not having someone in the physical. It dawned on me that I still had expectations for my family to change. I put into action last night the changes that I have made in my way of thinking. I was able to see my family in a different, more positive way.

I did not take things personally. 

I did get onto my aunt and sister about the way they talked about their bodies and image when I took pictures of them. I told them to stop saying the negative things about themselves. My dad even “confessed” that he fell off the sugar wagon after six years, and had gained some weight. I could not even tell and I told him so. It made it clear that the body image thing is a huge issue in my family.

I did not fall into at all.

As a matter-of-fact, I was very pleased that none of their issues leaped onto me as they have in the past. It did not cause me to feel badly, I also did not automatically mirror the negative self-talk. It felt as if the words evaporated and they did not penetrate me at all. So happy about that! I have been working hard at redirecting my negative thoughts.

I only held back things that I knew could cause me to get frustrated or hurt.

Overall, I was myself and I had no anxiety, although, today I am exhausted. I have had moments of anxiety. That is one reason why I am writing this to help calm my brain. Filter through any negative loops that may want to start spinning, and focus on the fact that I have learned to work through many things.

I need to savor this moment.

Because I also know that if I end up being overloaded emotionally or sensory wise that, I could have a depressive loop. The plan is to get plenty of rest, stay positive, put my energies into focusing on gratitude, and continue to remind myself that my family loves me in their own ways. I think those are some good things to think upon as I continue to work through past pains. :-)

I enjoyed myself and let my goofballness flow – I felt that comfortable.

The kids felt comfortable too and today has been a good day. The boys have been playing with each other, taking turns on the trampoline and the keyboard. Ariel and I have been reading and writing poetry much of the day. We are on our computers across from each other listening to music and writing. :-) (The trampoline and keyboard are in here too.) I am going to share a short video of my family jammin’. The sound quality is not the best, the color is dark, but I really loved the feel in the room when we were all together enjoying some tunes.

In the mix is my cousin playing guitar/vocals, aunt vocals, my dad on bass, and uncle playing guitar too.

Pix too!

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09/9/12

New Adventures

Urg! I wanted to write a short post, but this is what happens when I do not write for days, now I have passed the 2000 word mark. (insert eye roll here) Oh, well if you make it through all of this, thank you! This week has been interesting. I am not so sure how to explain it, so I will not attempt to do so. However, I will share some of the things I am able to. I have been out and about since Wednesday night.

I went out with my aunt on Wednesday and had so much fun!

We went out to dinner and since there is very little happening in this town right now we ended up going to the mall and the coffee shop. I am not really a mall type of gal, but I had not been in years so I thought it might be fun. My aunt likes to go with her friend and people watch. She did spoil me by buying my dinner and a couple of tops for me. She said that she is all caught up for all the birthdays she missed. :-)

I had ball dancing in all of the stores we went into.

It was very reminiscent of me growing up and going to the mall. I was either in the music store, a bookstore, or dancing in the stores that played obnoxiously loud music that I would not normally listen to. However, while my aunt was searching the racks “Lucky Star” by Madonna came on and I called it by the first two beats. I win! Oh, yes, I did start dancing Madonna’s dance right there. I am the product of being a latch key kid and MTV being my babysitter. 8-)

The funny thing is I did not have a true awareness that I was dancing until people looked at me.

I did not stop I was having too much fun. My aunt and I were able to catch up on about 10 years of omitted information from our conversations due to always having people around us and having to filter. Even on the phone, we have not been able to talk freely. We both felt like a huge weight had been lifted off our shoulders. We also gained a lot of perspective as to our behaviors and actions that did not make sense or caused us to doubt our intuition over the years.

Good stuff, good indeed.

When I came home, Ariel wanted to know all about my adventure. She was very concerned about me leaving, but that is for another post. After I shared with her all that we did, she requested that I take her to the mall. She had been having a rough week and wanted me to stay with her at all times. I told her that I would take her the next night.

All of the kids need a break from each other and need alone time with me.

I decided that I would take each of them on different nights. Ariel was Thursday and we had so much fun walking around the mall and going into stores. She wanted to go to some girly stores and showed me all of the things she liked. She was so excited to pick out her own top and some items for Daniel and Joshua. She got them exactly what they would love. Daniel a pair of green flip-flops and Joshua soft shorts because he likes soft clothes. She shared with me all of the types of things that she likes and why. She likes animal prints because she wishes she were a wild animal. She also loves bright colors and glittery things.

I loved listening to her talk about her interests.

She was so happy and vibrant walking around with me. We laughed and giggled completely uninterrupted. I admit that I do like this mall much more than others, it is small in comparison to major malls and it is only crowded on the weekends. A nice quiet mall is kind of fun to wall around in. She found a store that does makeovers for little girls, they do parties, and runway shows. She loved it! I think that may come from her Grammy (my mom) and her Grandma K. They both are very sharp dressers and enjoy fashion. Both of them were models at certain points in their life as well. I am happy to support her and dabble in getting fancy at times as well. :-)

The next evening Daniel requested to go to the park. 

I suggested that we go play putt putt golf and try something new. That sent him into an anxiety spin so I dropped it. We went to the park and I have never seen him so happy. He basically had the entire fortress of fun all to himself. He was giggling, clapping, running, and leaping. He would stop at times at look at me then smile, after a second he would go back to his leaping and running escapades. He played music on the chimes, there is a little cubby hiding them. He did not talk while he was playing, but when he finally took a break and started walking on the wood beams around the perimeter, he started to ask a plethora of questions. The park is right next to the public pool that I frequented throughout many summers as a child.

We had to walk around the empty pool and discuss the pump, size, why there was green water, etc… 

We then had to discuss the buildings, sheds, and storage place, along with the basketball court, spinning playground toys, why bugs come out at night, as well as why it echoes when you clap outside. It was getting too dark and he did not want to go home, so he asked me to take him somewhere else. I ended up driving him around to my old elementary school and then high school. There was a football game going on and he was intrigued for about a minute. Finally, after about 30 minutes of reaching every “hot spot” in my small hometown, I talked him into checking out the putt putt golf place for future reference.

He thought that was a good idea. 

We went and checked it out. We had to walk around the entire thing, while I explained hidden speakers that played the music, their air conditioner, how to play putt putt, why they had a fake alligator, a giraffe with its head bent down, and a big gorilla. Why the gate was build the way it was, why they had a small building to hold all of the equipment, what was inside of the small building … you get the picture. I told him that it was time to go and he said, “Ok, I want to go to the store now.” Um, earlier he made it very clear that he DID NOT want to go anywhere near a store.

He changed his mind lucky for me because I really needed to get some things. 

While in Target the adventures carried on about how the building was built, why did they have one part of the ceiling lower than the other part, what was making noise, why did they have broken lights, why did the cart move the way that it moved, why did people need to work at stores, on and on with questions. I admit the questions can get exhausting and frustrating at times, especially when there is no way for me to know the answer, but I am ecstatic and amazed to finally hear what is soaring through his mind all the time.

Joshua is feeling kind of left out. 

I was unable to take him yet because I had planned for us to try kids’ church on Saturday night. I am taking Joshua on Monday night to go play putt putt golf. I cannot wait to spend some alone time with him. There have been times when things fall through on plans for him because he usually goes third, it has been unfortunate, but we try to make it up to him. I promised him that no matter what I would take him on Monday. My aunt suggested us coming to kid’s church because she would be on stage doing a skit. She normally does and both of us thought that would be great for the kids to feel comfortable with her being there.

Joshua’s social studies lesson this week discussed how you could make friends at school. 

He looked down, sounded kind of sad, and said, “I do not have any friends.” Aaaa! My heart broke. I have been working on this and I am in the process of getting them involved at the YMCA, they want to take karate so we will try it. However, I am still waiting. That is when I thought I have to do something – church it is. It is a safe environment, I know their lessons, and I trust my aunt and her judgment with teachers, so we went. Short version, Daniel continued to ask to leave and I continued to ask him to, “just try it.”

Joshua was very hesitant, but came around. 

Ariel LOVED it! She and I had a conversion about going the other night. We discussed how she should not bring up her doubts about God in class or with her teachers because most of the time that is frowned upon. I had to explain it in terms of Santa Claus. (Do not get offended I am not comparing God to Santa Claus, I was only trying to help my daughter understand.) We do not want to cause other children to doubt, or have questions that other parents may not appreciate.  That is up to them to discover (at this young age) and their parents to discuss, I have yet to find many kids who question the way mine do at this age. She ended up telling me, “Look I believe that God is alive 100%, I don’t think that he is real about 9%” Lol! I thought that was so awesome. Back to kids’ church.

Daniel did stay, we took a few breaks, but he stayed in class with me.

He did not want to participate at all during the floor game. However, after I asked him to sit and watch with me for a while he decided that he did want to sit in the group with the other boys. The other kids did stare at him because he was wearing his noise reducers that look like huge headphones. He did not notice. None of the kids were blatantly rude though and everyone was very nice and accepting of me staying with him. I think it is a good place to try to get in some socializing. I can also expand on the teachings and use it as a learning guide for how we may not think exactly the same way even though we can find many truths and important messages.

It is good for me as well to get over my “religion” anxieties. 

As well, as learn how to not think of all “Christians” in one way. I do confess I have become jaded and I do not want to be that way. Not with all people of the Christian faith, but in church settings and organized religion. I do not want to be like that. I do not want my children to be like that either so I am facing my fears and anxieties. Bottom line I am afraid of being hurt and judged as I have been in the past. I am no longer allowing myself to live in those fears or casting judgments against others because of my fears. Side note: There was a mishap in communication and we ended up not finding the kids church until later, it is a HUGE church. I decided to take the kids into the main church for worship. Though I may not think in the black-and-white terms as I did before while singing the words, I was moved to tears.

There is something so special to me about singing together.

I feel such a beauty that falls in the air during that time. I feel this when gathering in concerts as well, but some concerts have a different feel and the spirit behind it can seem rough, hard, at times like anger, or angst, but during worship no matter what kind of church I have been in, it has felt sweet and like a peach hue mixed with golds. (There have been a few exceptions to this, but I will not allow that to distort the beauty.) It feels like clouds that are soft and comforting. Anyway, it felt very good and it was the first time in a long time that I could sing in a group like that without feeling icky.

If that makes sense.

We had many adventures this week. We are all doing very well too. No meltdowns, shutdowns, overloaded outbursts. We all had fun. I plan to continue to take each child out at least once a month. They all want to go back to kid’s church as well, so we will. I am excited about the YMCA too; there are so many opportunities to try things. The kids and I are starting to feel more comfortable venturing out and trying new things. We will still have to balance and weigh how our weeks are and make sure we do not do too much, but hey, we are becoming quite the adventurers! :-)

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08/15/12

Third Day Of School…

Alright, so… I am feeling some negative thoughts invading: Stop-Drop-Roll onto the blogosphere! Many good things are happening it seems that I am having a hard time seeing them. There are so many positives that I do not want them to be bombarded by faulty thinking that has to do with my anxieties and perfectionism. We started our virtual school on Monday. The day was already disrupted because we had to go to the airport at 9 am and were unable to start the schedule I had planned. Good news Daniel got in the car with little apprehension, however, Joshua ended up being the one who almost lost it.

I did lose it.

Not on him, or anyone else for that matter. What happened was when I left the airport heading back home the highway was filled with semi-trucks. I could not get in the lane that I needed to because no one would let me over and it was difficult to see since it was raining and huge trucks were in the way. I missed my planned exit. When that happened by mere coincidence Joshua had hit his max in the car and started to ask repeatedly when we would be home. I lost all sense of direction. I knew exactly where I was at and which way I needed to go, but I did not at the same time.

I could not comprehend which road I should turn on.

I got completely confused, and panicked. I made a turn off to the interstate and I knew where I was, though nothing made sense. I ended up making a complete circle and finally forced myself to turn onto a road, in the direction I felt like was the right way. I was hyperventilating and trying to control my breathing. I was all frazzled and freaked out because I could not make my brain comprehend where I was.

It is very difficult to explain.

It felt like I was two people in my brain, both confused, but one knowing exactly where they were and which way to go. However, completely unable to comprehend the surroundings and feeling as if everything was different even though it was the same, while the other person was in full-blown panic attack leading into a meltdown. Unable to hear, see, understand anything. Until, I made it to some major landmarks that helped give me confidence that I was going in the right direction.

Thankfully, I was not too bad – having the kids always keeps me in check and able to calm quicker.

We got home with no problems and just in time for Joshua’s belly and head. (He was having nausea.) We were supposed to start school right away, um, yeah… that didn’t happen. We took a break and I went to look at their assignments and schedule. It was a heavy workload, but we managed to get in 5 hours. Daniel’s was 5 hours of me trying to get him to try school. We did the work without completing the written assignments. Overall a good day considering, there were a few “rough” patches with him.

Ariel and Joshua were exhausted from all of the writing.

It drains them to write in those workbooks – it takes a lot of energy. I have always had problems with writing all three of the kids do too. Give us keyboards! Yesterday was horrible for several hours. I concluded at one point that there is no way I can teach Daniel and he is going to have to go to public school. I was mentally and physically ready to give up. In my desperation, I sat on the couch with Daniel and told him that I will not be able to do school at home with him if he continues to refuse, and is aggressive. I was being very honest I could not see how I could possibly teach the other two and give him what he needs as well.

My saying that prompted him to ask, “Why do I have to do school?”

That led into a conversation about the importance of school and why he is required to do it. After I had finished explaining in great detail what school does for him he finally sat still for a moment and said, “Ok, I understand.” I asked, “Will you do school with me now?” He agreed and we got at least one full assignment complete. I thought that was a great accomplishment. It gave me hope for today. (He did ask me why he has to do school several times today though. :-/) We started first thing in the morning with our Yoga, jump roping, and basketball. They are really enjoying the physical fitness lessons, me too. (Yes, I am doing them with them.)

We then tried to start our lessons.

Daniel started to refuse again, but today I had “Fortress of Fun” to save me. It is a park around here that my aunt and I had made plans to take the kids to today. Once again, some rough moments, but we completed another written assignment and all of the computer work. He is behind in his assignments, but this is huge. All of the changes we have had, then being off schedule for so long and not doing regular school work for so long has definitely made an impact. It has been very challenging, but at the same time some huge progress. Despite any of the negatives, we have had a ton of fun so far this week.

I spoke with the special needs teacher this morning also.

Daniel is going to have another evaluation through their school for ASD, speech, occupational therapy and learning disabilities. At first she seemed a little apprehensive in suggesting some evaluations. After I said that I wanted to do whatever is needed to help him, and explained to her that I feel Daniel is at a place in his development where he needs more help than I can give him, she was much more relaxed. I will do my part of course, I need more help in direction and ways to get him to become more independent. The speech and occupational therapy can be done virtually and I am excited about that. I am also so pleased with how responsive the teachers are and how quickly they act to get things done. I think things will get much better after this first week. I need to acknowledge just how awesome it has been going being that it is only the third day.

I have managed to get five hours of schooling in each day!

We have been silly with the camera and had a load of fun at the park today. I looked up pictures of the park to show and prepare the kids. I have to give driving times now for everywhere we go and pictures if possible. It is helping the car anxiety – I will not complain. The fortress is a castle! It has a dragon and all kinds of awesome therapy type equipment to help with balance and core strength. It is a playground that is perfect for each of the kids needs. They all struggle with their vestibular system. I played too and so did my aunt. She was teaching them all kinds of workout moves to help them. :-)

Anyway, that is the good, the bad, and the accomplishments! 

Ariel and I were being animals, vampires, and squatting whatnot’s. Pictures of fun! Good Night!

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08/3/12

Daniel Expressing Himself

It is no surprise that Daniel has been having a hard time lately. It is expected – I anticipated it. However, it was implied that my anticipating such things causes them to manifest. Halt! These types of “implications” are clear indications of people who have no understanding about how the neurological system works. They have no comprehension of how difficult it is for a brain with sensory processing dysfunction, or the inability to process emotions rapidly. Those are only a couple of factors that play into it let us add developmentally delayed, but well in tune with things as well. Well attuned to emotions that you do not understand, or fears that you cannot articulate. There is much more to add, but I will leave with those tidbits to chew on.

It is not a simple task of “just do it.”

I would share this awesome image in hopes of people gaining a perspective, but honestly, I am not sure it would help.

Click on it and it will take you to the larger photo at Karla’s ASD Page, where I have found some useful resources. (So go click the “like” button on FB, if you want to receive them.) In my attempts to try to get others to understand lately, I have been telling people what is going on instead of being evasive. I have been giving details because telling me “Just put him in the car” is completely unrealistic. Telling him that he does not have a choice is not an option. Speaking to him in a “You have to listen to me because I am the parent and I said so” manner is ludicrous. Not only do I find that offensive and would not say that to my children anyway, IT WILL NOT WORK!

So… I have been trying to get people to understand what has been going on.

The fact that I have been sharing that he is having a hard time has brought up a whole bunch of other thoughts. I know why he is having a hard time and I am doing everything I can to help him. It is not about him in that sense; it is about me sharing with family and others what actually goes on. (Let me say that everyone is trying to be sympathetic, and that is why I have been sharing - sympathy is not needed. It is helpful.) I have another post that I had planned on writing about some things that have brought me great confusion in the last few days dealing with public humiliation. I hope to write it out tomorrow so that I will stop looping.

It made me very sensitive about sharing Daniel’s behaviors with people.

I have limited what I share because I understand what and why he is doing it, and trying to explain it can be difficult at times when it is so foreign to people. I have felt such emotional abandonment when trying to share. My words get cut off, implications get thrown about, or simple words like, “It’s going to get better now.” With the hint of, I have taken the matter up with God, so He’ll fix it now. As if I did not pray, plead, beg for several years. What about all of my prayers? I will not go into that. I have several sarcastic comments that I will not share, but I confess I am thinking them.

I seem to be the only one who understands.

It can make it very difficult for me at times, and I will be honest – I get tired. I get exhausted and I feel like no one understands what he or I go through. I want someone to understand. I also want others to know that Daniel is NOT just throwing a fit. He is NOT trying to be obstinate, or difficult. He is NOT just refusing to get into a car, or not listening. I want so much for people to understand. How to do you explain to someone that a child who used to ride in the car with no problems has become terrified of it?

How do you explain “car anxiety?”

I tried and people do not get it. In my attempts to share, I exposed Daniel. I noticed this morning when I was talking that he was listening to me. I think I was more attune because I have been researching public humiliation/manipulation, emotional abuse, and about the “new” types of discipline that parents have been doing with their children using social media. It made me wonder if I was making him feel uncomfortable by sharing the information about him. I looked at him and decided to talk to him about it here is the conversation.

Me: Daniel is it bothering you that mommy is talking about this?

Daniel: Uh, huh.

Me: Does it make you feel bad when I share this stuff?

Daniel: Uh, huh.

Me: Do you get upset when you do those things?

Daniel: Uh, huh.

Me: I know you try not to do those things. I am sorry Boo; I will stop talking about it.

Daniel: Ok (with a smile)

Me: Daniel do you know why I have been sharing that information with people?

Daniel: No, why?

Me: I want other people to understand what you go through. I want them to know what it is like for you. I am telling them how you have responded so they understand how hard it can be for you at times.

Daniel: Oh, ok, but I do not want to talk about it.

Me: Alright Boo, you know that mommy understands don’t you?

Daniel: Yes.

Me: Do you want a “squeeze’um?” (Deep pressure hug)

Daniel: (giggling) Yeah.

I have tried to be evasive when talking about Daniel’s “meltdowns” on here.

I would hate for him to read it when he is older and feel like I was humiliating him in anyway. I plan to explain to him anything I share has been to help me discover others who know what I am talking about to better help him and me. Or that I feel by my sharing the information that it was helping others. Sometimes though I share because I have nowhere else to go. I need to write it out and make it real for me so I do not fall into thinking that I am overreacting or something. My intentions are never to get sympathy or to make Daniel feel badly -EVER! I will tell him that too. I believe he knows this, and will when he gets older.

However, with all of this floating around in my head it has made me very aware of my words.

It made me very aware of how differently I see the lifelong commitment of being a parent is compared to a vast amount of other people. Not to compare in judgement it is an observation of how differently I can think compared to others. It made me step back and evaluate how I speak in front of my children, about them and about others. It made me fall into my past and see how often no one let me know that it was ok after my meltdowns. After my meltdowns, I was made to feel like a brat, selfish, wanting attention, or purposely trying to be difficult. These things were said in front of others. It made me feel ashamed or embarrassed. I am not saying it is ok for a child to be out of control, and require no discipline or helpful rules. There needs to be balance, but I think empathy goes along way. I think if the child feels heard, and understood, or in the very least accepted the communication can stay open.

I am happy that Daniel felt safe enough to tell me not to talk about it. 

I have explained to him that I do need to at times though, so people will understand to some extent. He is ok with that. I plan on working with Daniel to see how he would like me to express to others how he is feeling. My hope is that by modeling it he will be able to for himself. I am going to try to talk to him and see what plan we can have together to share with people why he responds(ed) in a certain way. I want him to feel understood, accepted, and if he knows why he was having a hard time, that he feels safe enough to share. I think that it is important that we talk about it with people who are willing to understand. I also believe that it is my responsibility to ensure that he is not feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or shameful in anyway. (I know I cannot protect him always, I am referring to my own actions, and words. As well as other authority figures that come into his life.) I wish I could make people understand. I wish there was an easy way to explain things where people did not have preconceived notions about a child “throwing a fit.”

In my experience with kids, many times they are not just acting out. 

There are some who are, but many of the cases that I have encountered there was much more going on. How did I discover that? I sat down with them, and talked to them. I showed them how important their words were, and who they were mattered to me. I do this with my kids too and I forget that other people do not see kids in the same way as I do. There are many people who do not look at my children and think that they have something of substance to contribute to the world at ages seven and six years old. I do, I and will try to help cultivate their voices, and their confidence. I think this is a huge milestone for Daniel. He expressed himself clearly – short and with few words, but clearly. Even though he was not able to go beyond asking me to stop, he still felt safe enough to say so.

I will respect that and do my best to ensure he knows I listened. 

Side Note: I wrote some of this last night, so the conversation actually happened yesterday morning. I do not know why I feel I must tell you all that bit of information, but I had to. My head is very fuzzy today. I am not feeling all that well so if this post seems off, or doesn’t make sense somewhere just let it slide. :-)  I will come and edit it when my head is better. M’kay!

 

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