Now to relationships of my past, from my last post you heard of the incredible first boyfriend I had. During that relationship, I became extremely depressed, eating disorders were formed, dis morphia, which I still struggle with, self hatred, self doubt, and I ended up in the emergency room from trying to commit suicide. I felt that was my only way out. Things had been escalating and the final straw was when he called me at 6am and told me he had just slept with my best friend. That was it for me. He did save my life by rushing over to my house and waking my mom – he also called 911. I was 16 years old when that happened.

From that I had to start going to a counselor, who just thought I was a teenager in a bad relationship.

I was in a bad relationship but the counselor didn’t go beyond that (do you see a pattern here?). No one asked the right questions. No one dug deeper to find out what was going on in my mind. No one noticed all of my cries for help. This incident did help me get the strength to get out of that relationship. I finally got to the point of saying to him, “Fine if you want to kill me do it! I am not going to let you control what I do!” And I didn’t let him, he tried to run me off the road, he followed me, sent his girlfriend (now wife) after me, but finally she got pregnant and that gave me freedom for a while.

I had started a new relationship.

The guy I started dating was one of my obsessions throughout high school. I had a massive crush on him and I thought he was the one. He would be the man who would love me and we would have a great life now that I escaped the grasp of psycho. Long story short , he was just as much of a jerk as my first. He didn’t physically abuse me but he did mess with me emotionally and mentally. He probably has no clue that he was like that because from what I can tell he is still the same way he was 18 years ago.

I would venture to say that he would say that it was my fault and that I was crazy.

Those were the common answers I got from him. He did things like push me out the front door naked and not let me back in, for our neighbors to see. He thought that was hilarious. He would pin me down and dig his elbow in my chest or back and do the all so lovely pass gas on me. He was a great one for my sensory issues. He would choose to have lunch with other girls at work and talk to many of the gals then say I was jealous. Well I was, I couldn’t understand why he would prefer to be with other people when he had me. I wasn’t possessive I was jealous in the sense of wanting him to choose me. Why not me?  He liked to have parties all the time. I would just get drunk – that was the only way I could cope with all the stuff going on. One of the devastating things he did to me was go behind my back and plan to move back to our home town. He told me on a 15 min. break at work. Later that evening I found out that practically everyone at our place of work knew except for me.

I was crushed and it took a long time to recover from that.

My first boyfriend and my second boyfriend had caused me a lot of pain and confusion. I had no idea how to read them. I looked like such a fool to other people. Everyone else knew all of these things going on and I had no idea. With my first boyfriend, I would befriend the girls he slept with. Why? I don’t know. In both of these relationships I felt I was the one not giving enough, not loving enough, the one who was causing them to behave the way they were. Somehow it had to be me because they understood the world and I didn’t. I tried so hard to do better to give everything I could in the last relationship and I wasn’t good enough.

continue on to part II…