Tag Archives: ramblings

Not Sure My Point

I have so much going on in my brain that I am having a difficult time getting anything out. Creatively, I have been able to envision things and write them, but I feel reality type things swimming around at the surface wanting to leap out. They seem to crash into each other at some point and cause “mind blockage.” When my reality and fantasy are not in a cohesive flow, I get stuck in one or the other. My analytical mind can completely take over and squeeze out all fantasy or my fantasy mind will runneth over and I will pour out poems, stories, or silliness.

I am seeking balance at the moment.

If I do not I fear that I will fall back into a depressive state that I have been in for weeks. I cannot explain why I have been feeling so down. I am not sure why I have felt so anxious, lonely, and clawing to try to be thankful. I have plenty to be thankful for. However, two major issues in my life are lingering and unsettled. There is no quick fix and the largest thorn in my side is the fact that I know I cannot change certain things about myself. There will be no amount of therapy that is going to fix my sensory issues or how I feel about particular issues.

I do not have the clarity to talk or write about them now.

I wish I did because I think it would help me to be able to process everything if I could write it out. I do not know where to start or how to explain it at this time. I do want to jot down some positive things – I think it will help me continue to keep my focus. I emailed my friend back that I wrote about the other day. I felt really good about all of that and such relief afterwards. I was also able to email the neighbor that I made friends with before we moved here. It had been weighing on me for months. She had called me a couple of times, but I just could not get back to her so I decided to sit down and contact her via email. I have been too busy to talk to anyone on the phone even my mom. She called the other day and I had no idea!

I emailed my mom today letting her know all that has been going on as well. 

It is funny because I never really forget about people, but I forget to contact them. If I get overwhelmed or have too much going on I will have flashes of the person, but I will think to myself, “Tomorrow I will contact them” my tomorrow’s turn into months. The next thing I know it is several weeks or months later and I still have not contacted them. In my mind, the time does not seem that long at all. It feels like a few days. It is hard to explain. I feel really good about pushing down any fears or anxiety about contacting people that I have not in a while.

I did this with one of my internet friends too. 

It’s a good thing she understands when I explain that my sudden silence has nothing to do with her – I understand the same thing about her. :-) I basically, went into a quiet online mode and did not comment or communicate that much. I couldn’t I was too anxious. The kids have been sick and then, I got sick. I am still feeling it I now think it is allergy related. Daniel has been dizzy for over a week and I have had to carry him throughout the house. I had to carry him to the car the other day and inside/outside from my aunt’s house. The boy is 50 pounds of solidness! Keeps my heart rate up. hee hee

I am adjusting to the new schedule now with all of Daniel’s therapies and classes.

I had to fill out more paperwork for his OT virtual evaluation that he had on Monday. (That I did not receive until Sunday morning via email…) He is responding so well to his virtual therapies. I am amazed at how much he truly comprehends. I am not surprised I knew this; I am amazed at how responsive he is to his new teacher and speech pathologist. I am excited at how he is applying what he learns so quickly. His confidence has increased greatly in just a couple of weeks. He did not get upset when one of his classes had to be cancelled. I was shocked to be honest with you. He does not normally take to those types of changes very well, but he was too excited about his speech lessons to care.

He loved his OT session that he had Monday and cannot wait for those to start. 

They are going to start after winter break, which, is going to be for two weeks. I am not excited about that. I am going to keep the school schedule going except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My kids get so off track and unable to refocus when we stop our routines. They will not have any lessons online and they may catch onto my shenanigans, but I have plenty of schoolwork for them to do during the break. I hope to do some creative things that we have not been able to do in awhile. I will make it fun and relaxed, but a routine nonetheless. :-)

Next week Daniel is going to the psychologist, I went to for his other evaluation.

More paperwork, yay! (Sarcasm intended) I am looking forward to this meeting though because the goal is for behavioral therapy. She will guide me in a direction for Daniel and me to have better help or more insight into helping him with his aggressive behaviors and inability to express his frustrations. The school is trying to help me in this area as well. I know that many times Daniel’s aggression comes from sensory related issues so when the OT therapy starts and we gain some new tools it may help him a lot more. It is so difficult for me to determine Daniel’s sensory issues because much like me, they are ever changing and what works one day will not work the next. If I have someone who can give me suggestions on a regular basis, this may help a great deal.

What is my point with this post? 

I have no idea I feel like I am rambling, but I do know there are some great things in here that I can be very joyful about. It seems to be helping my brain think positively. I am happy too that Ariel has wanted to express herself on her blog. I am going to share her blog again because I am a proud mom, I am! wild dragons & wild cats Joshua is fixated with The Hobbit. He has been creating scenes of the movie and acting them out on a daily basis. Here are a couple of his creations Lego Builder Boy. Daniel asked me write out this post for him My globes. He told me everything he wanted to say and he made me read it back to ensure that I wrote what he wanted. Lol!

So I guess my post is just a mind dump if you made this far thanks for reading! 

Ew! 

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Need A Dose Of Happy

Things that go up must come down. I have come down, but I choose not to talk about that right now. No, no! (Well, I share a little bit at the end.) I am going to share happy. I will share what the kids said they will be when they grow up. Yesterday, I was reading to Daniel. He had pulled a collection of books about planets. Pure awesomeness! We were loving it, his favorite planet is Earth mine is Mars. I asked him if he was going to be an astronaut when he grew up, he said “No.”  He told me how much he liked the rings around Saturn so I asked him if he was going to be an astronomer, he said “No.” So I asked “How about a physicist?”  He asked “What is that?”

I explained it to him and asked if that sounded like fun.

He said “Yes, but I am not going to work when I grow up.” This made me laugh so I asked “What are you going to do? You will need money to support yourself.” He said  “I am staying home.” He then, went on to say that he wanted to be a scientist, that studies planets, but he will live at home. Ha ha ha Well he is seven so it is not that close for him to make these types of decisions. I asked Joshua this morning because last night Ariel went into a detailed description of what she wants to do when she grows up. She shared all of her details with David. (This topic comes up frequently around here because Ariel is very concerned with her future, and it gets all of us thinking about it.)

I will share hers in a moment, she has since added to job listings.

Joshua told me this morning that he was going to be a “scientist doctor.” “I want to study the moon. All because of that movie. (Despicable Me) I want to see the moon.” (giggle, giggle) Daniel repeated what Joshua said and added “Me too!” It was ironic last night that Ariel and David started discussing hypothermia which led into the conversation of Ariel sharing what she was going to do when she grows up. I had not heard the conversation and I am thankful that David wrote down what she said. The ironic part was that I was writing a poem about snowflakes and cold, along with reading quotes from the movie Alive.

Here is what she shared:

When I am older, I will create a box full of medicine.
When you take it, your body will be stronger.
So it will be easier to fix your hands, your fingers, your eyes if you are blind, and your toes.
Then, you will have them back again as if they were brand new.

Ariel shares with me frequently all of the things she plans to do.

She has a passion to save the environment, and animals and tells me ways that she will help save earth when she gets older. She has a ton of ideas that usually involve saving the planet, animals, and people. While I was talking to the boys about what they wanted to do, Ariel added that she wanted to be a marine biologist.

Here is our conversation.

Ariel: I want to be a marine biologist too.

Me: Do you know what a marine biologist is?

Ariel:  Yes, it’s a person who studies animals in the water.
I want to study them and other animals, and discover animals never found before!
When I am a teenager I am going to write because I am going to be a writer too.

These guys make me giggle so much. 

While I am sharing I will add some quotes from them in the last few weeks. They crack me up. Some of you may have seen these already, but I think they are worth rereading…I am their mom! :-)

Daniel: Hey mom, are freezing hot dogs called cool dogs? (I laughed so hard I almost could not answer. I told him yes, believe me that was the best thing to say.)

Joshua: What? What? Why are you looking at me? You think I have boxers on or something?

(Ariel and I were sitting on the couch, she was reading X-Men Volume II, telling me how much she liked Beast and Night Crawler, stopping her conversational flow:

Ariel: I don’t know why, but I like creatures much more than humans.

Needing a dose of happy today and that worked.

I had another maintenance guy come today to fix the ice maker he was here yesterday, but could not fix it without permission. He had to replace it. The dishwasher guy finally came today – that was a huge fiasco that I do not feel like talking about, but yeah…they did not come last week. AND he cannot fix it until May 29th, which happens to be the day of Daniel’s reevaluation. Daniel and I will be gone so David will be here to handle it. I have still been washing the dishes by hand, and last night I ran out of dish washing liquid. I have dishes in the sink and it makes me want to cry. Sounds silly, I know. It is not really the dishes, there are several other things, but I would feel better if I had the dishes clean and put away.

The store does not sound like a place I want to go to tonight.

Oh, well I think I need another dose of happy after writing about that. This song was in my YouTube feed I thinks it’s fun. I am head bobbin’ “Like a Lady” Hee hee  Oh, and some sky/nature shots to share. Zappy!

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