I have so much going on in my brain that I am having a difficult time getting anything out. Creatively, I have been able to envision things and write them, but I feel reality type things swimming around at the surface wanting to leap out. They seem to crash into each other at some point and cause “mind blockage.” When my reality and fantasy are not in a cohesive flow, I get stuck in one or the other. My analytical mind can completely take over and squeeze out all fantasy or my fantasy mind will runneth over and I will pour out poems, stories, or silliness.
I am seeking balance at the moment.
If I do not I fear that I will fall back into a depressive state that I have been in for weeks. I cannot explain why I have been feeling so down. I am not sure why I have felt so anxious, lonely, and clawing to try to be thankful. I have plenty to be thankful for. However, two major issues in my life are lingering and unsettled. There is no quick fix and the largest thorn in my side is the fact that I know I cannot change certain things about myself. There will be no amount of therapy that is going to fix my sensory issues or how I feel about particular issues.
I do not have the clarity to talk or write about them now.
I wish I did because I think it would help me to be able to process everything if I could write it out. I do not know where to start or how to explain it at this time. I do want to jot down some positive things – I think it will help me continue to keep my focus. I emailed my friend back that I wrote about the other day. I felt really good about all of that and such relief afterwards. I was also able to email the neighbor that I made friends with before we moved here. It had been weighing on me for months. She had called me a couple of times, but I just could not get back to her so I decided to sit down and contact her via email. I have been too busy to talk to anyone on the phone even my mom. She called the other day and I had no idea!
I emailed my mom today letting her know all that has been going on as well.
It is funny because I never really forget about people, but I forget to contact them. If I get overwhelmed or have too much going on I will have flashes of the person, but I will think to myself, “Tomorrow I will contact them” my tomorrow’s turn into months. The next thing I know it is several weeks or months later and I still have not contacted them. In my mind, the time does not seem that long at all. It feels like a few days. It is hard to explain. I feel really good about pushing down any fears or anxiety about contacting people that I have not in a while.
I did this with one of my internet friends too.
It’s a good thing she understands when I explain that my sudden silence has nothing to do with her – I understand the same thing about her. I basically, went into a quiet online mode and did not comment or communicate that much. I couldn’t I was too anxious. The kids have been sick and then, I got sick. I am still feeling it I now think it is allergy related. Daniel has been dizzy for over a week and I have had to carry him throughout the house. I had to carry him to the car the other day and inside/outside from my aunt’s house. The boy is 50 pounds of solidness! Keeps my heart rate up. hee hee
I am adjusting to the new schedule now with all of Daniel’s therapies and classes.
I had to fill out more paperwork for his OT virtual evaluation that he had on Monday. (That I did not receive until Sunday morning via email…) He is responding so well to his virtual therapies. I am amazed at how much he truly comprehends. I am not surprised I knew this; I am amazed at how responsive he is to his new teacher and speech pathologist. I am excited at how he is applying what he learns so quickly. His confidence has increased greatly in just a couple of weeks. He did not get upset when one of his classes had to be cancelled. I was shocked to be honest with you. He does not normally take to those types of changes very well, but he was too excited about his speech lessons to care.
He loved his OT session that he had Monday and cannot wait for those to start.
They are going to start after winter break, which, is going to be for two weeks. I am not excited about that. I am going to keep the school schedule going except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My kids get so off track and unable to refocus when we stop our routines. They will not have any lessons online and they may catch onto my shenanigans, but I have plenty of schoolwork for them to do during the break. I hope to do some creative things that we have not been able to do in awhile. I will make it fun and relaxed, but a routine nonetheless.
Next week Daniel is going to the psychologist, I went to for his other evaluation.
More paperwork, yay! (Sarcasm intended) I am looking forward to this meeting though because the goal is for behavioral therapy. She will guide me in a direction for Daniel and me to have better help or more insight into helping him with his aggressive behaviors and inability to express his frustrations. The school is trying to help me in this area as well. I know that many times Daniel’s aggression comes from sensory related issues so when the OT therapy starts and we gain some new tools it may help him a lot more. It is so difficult for me to determine Daniel’s sensory issues because much like me, they are ever changing and what works one day will not work the next. If I have someone who can give me suggestions on a regular basis, this may help a great deal.
What is my point with this post?
I have no idea I feel like I am rambling, but I do know there are some great things in here that I can be very joyful about. It seems to be helping my brain think positively. I am happy too that Ariel has wanted to express herself on her blog. I am going to share her blog again because I am a proud mom, I am! wild dragons & wild cats Joshua is fixated with The Hobbit. He has been creating scenes of the movie and acting them out on a daily basis. Here are a couple of his creations Lego Builder Boy. Daniel asked me write out this post for him My globes. He told me everything he wanted to say and he made me read it back to ensure that I wrote what he wanted. Lol!
So I guess my post is just a mind dump if you made this far thanks for reading!