Yes, an ex-boyfriend said that to me. I remember every detail of that night. I remember after it was said to me I shut down because I did not know how to respond to it. I frequently got in trouble with significant others because of my questions and conversations that I would start while out and about socializing. I am intrigued by people and I enjoy hearing their stories, what they think, what they are all about, and how they got to that exact moment in which our worlds interacted. I ask a lot of questions and I probe.

I find this enjoyable, while others just want to go out and have a “good time”.

I had three long-term boyfriend relationships starting at around the age of 14. This first relationship is in part the reason for my obsessive behaviors I discussed in my last two posts. It is a fragile time in a person’s life anyway but this is when you begin to really start looking for answers to who you are and what you are going to be. I entered into an abusive relationship for 3 years and didn’t even know it. What he did to me caused so much confusion and loss of identity that it forced me to be in search of the “real” me.

I never thought I was being abused because I never felt like a victim.

In all three relationships, they manipulated me, not all were physically abusive but they were verbally with saying many things similar to what I titled this post. The thing is that I stood up for myself. The normal pattern was for me to shut down because I was confused, then I would be hurt and then that would manifest through rage. I was sharp with my tongue and my wit. This would make them even more angry. In my mind I figured if I could stand up for myself than I was not really being abused. I was so hard for them to control because on the one hand I seemed very fragile and insecure but on the other hand I was strong and independent.

I felt victimized but never a victim.

I still feel this way. I see people take on the “victim” identity and I think that it is a shame to be settled in such a title when we have been equipped with the ability to not stay victims. Then again I do not like to see those take the ‘warrior” mentality either because then you can never show weakness. Part of being a true warrior is recognizing limitations, not hiding from them but embracing them to make you stronger. What I am sharing now has always been me. I lost these things about myself at one point. I had people in my life many times try to not allow me to use my brain.

Not just in relationships but also in other settings, such as work and church.

My obsessive behaviors did ease as I grew older and I found that if I was not in a relationship I was much better at being myself. I may have felt alone but I was comfortable with being alone with myself. I still however, had a desire for someone to be in my life so I searched on. By the time I met my first husband I had been alone for quite some time and I was pretty confident in me in a lot of ways. I liked him because he was intelligent, loved music and had a dry sense of humor that I got. But we really were just friends, I never felt anything more than a friendship with him. Plus I was entering into a new era of my life and started going to church which changed our dynamic.

We had many differences in our beliefs and I was evolving into someone new.

By the time I met my second husband I was fully emerged into church life and being a Christian. I felt I had no idea who would make a good husband for me so I trusted my friends instead of listening to my gut. He too just wanted me to sit and be pretty. This brings me to what triggered this post and why I felt I needed to get this out. Last night I had been thinking about all of this, my life playing like a movie. I had some feelings of regret but I think regret is good and I wrote a poem about that as well. Anyway, I looked at David and I was staring at him awkwardly, with no emotion on my face, this creeps him out, (I have a gift of being able to do that when I am thinking and creep people out. lol) and I said “Thank you for loving my brain.”

He looked at me and said “I do not know how to respond to that.”

I do that often too, I say strange things that he doesn’t know how to respond to. Hee hee It was at that moment that I realized why David has helped me so much. He has allowed me to use my brain. He has encouraged it. He has even gone to great lengths to tell me that “If you didn’t use your brain, I could not respect you and I would not be able to stay with you.” I shared with him what I meant by loving my brain. He was the first person to allow me to ask my questions, listen to my rants, let me cycle and rage, laugh and cry, whatever I needed to do, to be able to let my true nature come out.

He used to get hurt or frustrated with things I would say.

Like when I called him a cry baby, I wasn’t being mean in my mind I thought I was helping him. I see the error of my ways now. I can say harsh things but not mean them in a harsh way at all. As we discussed all of this he told me that “He would rather me clear a room, making people uncomfortable and deal with the things they will not face, rather than sit and be a wallflower.” He doesn’t mean for me to be rude but to ask the questions that are hard and driven for answers. He told me that he hasn’t really done anything except encourage me to let the things that he sees in me to come out. Not let them hide but let them out freely. I think this is a reason I had no obsessive behaviors with David. I didn’t feel like I had to hide anything or try to keep parts of me hidden.

One dear person that I worked with said to me once “Angel, you need to find someone who loves you for your brain.”.

I remember that day in every detail too. My second husband had left, we were separated, when that friend (thank you, Jim) said those words, I had a flash of the entire relationship. The whole time I had been railing against the unspoken words “Just sit there and be pretty”. My relationships, many of my friends and my church that I was in, had all been telling me the same thing. Don’t use your mind, sit there and do what you are told, stop thinking for yourself. And I couldn’t do it, no matter how hard I tried.

I could never and will never be able to “Just sit there and be pretty.”

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I admit I have my moments, I have gotten much better and calmer, especially now that I have learned about ASD and Sensory Integration. In the past I would well up with rage and at times get violent but I didn’t know why. (Many of the things that I am writing about are from my past, my children and David have not experienced this from me.)  Things that seemed quite silly would set me off and after my whole moment I felt better but others were left with this feeling of confusion, anger or hurt themselves. I thought this was normal because that was the way my mother was also. We both would be much worse if we drink alcohol. There were several nights of us fighting, one occasion ended very violently, I blacked out and woke to my mother on the floor and me choking her. She had come after me in a fit of rage and I started to protect myself, after I came to so to speak I realized what I was doing and got up immediately and ran.

She chased after me and wouldn’t stop but then she kicked me out of the house.

I was 15 years old and only allowed to take what I could wear on my body and I was not allowed to take anything that she had gotten for me. I went item by item telling her who gave them to me or if I had purchased it myself. Then out the door I was sent at 12 am, running down the high way. I called my boyfriend at the time after I had run clear across the city. The next morning my mom didn’t remember anything and wanted me home ASAP. I didn’t want to come home. This all started because my mom came home late again, drunk, I had been watching my little sisters and was pretty upset that I was always at home with my sisters so I am sure I had an attitude, she dropped a glass in the kitchen and it shattered everywhere. She looked at me and said “Clean it up!”.

I said “You clean it up, you did it!”.

And the game was on. My mom still doesn’t have memory of this night, but there are several like this with either my mom being like that or myself. We have always been very honest with our feelings and at times we have misunderstood each other which would escalate in rage. That was the only time it was ever that violent though. When I was a  child, my mom was pretty aggressive too, though that was how she was raised and she was a million times better than her dad but she had her moments, now that we look back; a lot of them were triggered by sensory issues, social anxiety and the stress of being a single mom. It doesn’t make it ok, she does not feel that it was right but she just didn’t know any other way at the time.

As I grew up, those moments terrified me thinking what kind of parent I would be.

I never wanted to have children unless I could be sure that I was going to be able to stay home with them and not have anger issues. I did not want my children to ever go through that. And now that brings me to my meltdowns, I have them but I no longer throw things or freak out to the point of blacking out but I do get overwhelmed and angry, especially at what seems to be unjust. My children do not get my meltdowns directed at them. Sure they get in trouble, I have yelled at them to stop or have told them that is enough when they won’t stop; but when I am in a full-blown meltdown I leave. I will leave the room, I will go to David’s office, I will go outside, I will do whatever to ensure that my children do not get the brunt of my inability to control myself.

I know it sounds like I am  in control but I cannot always control my mind to make it stop.

I have to ride the thing through, in some cases I need to hit things, slam a door or two, jump on the trampoline, run, work out to some crazy Tae Bo work out. I need something to get it out, I would never do anything to my kids but I do not want them to be around me like that either because I am easily aggravated and could say something mean. I can feel my mind going into that mode, before I was unaware of it, I just thought I couldn’t do anything and I condemned myself for being an evil person. I know that I am not evil and the only reason I say that is because others have called me evil when I’ve had a meltdown. I am sure my actions seemed quite evil, like when my ex-husband lied to me about paying all the bills for months, and it turned out he had not.

I started yelling and screaming, I tossed my bookshelves over and threw my books all over the place.

I couldn’t stop, I just kept yelling at the top of my lungs “YOU ARE A LIAR! A LIAR! I CANNOT TAKE ALL OF YOUR LIES!” There was no calming me down until after I was able to get it out. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the evening, I went to my room and read and listened to music. The next day I was fine and I was over it. My mind had begun to think of options as to pay for these bills and when I spoke to him he was angry. I didn’t understand why and I thought he was overreacting. I couldn’t see until the last few years, reading about similar situations through the eyes of ASD that as a neurotypical that could be very upsetting. (I still think he was wrong so I am not all that compassionate about the lies but I am about my behavior.)

When I say freak out it could mean many things.

I could shut down completely and have no words. I can’t speak, while slamming doors, cabinets, whatever that may be in my way. It could be me jumping up and down screaming, hitting a wall – in the past I have  punched walls, it’s been a long time since I did that but the last time I did I hurt my hand very badly, storming out of the house, throwing things, turning up my music as loud as possible and singing and dancing until all of the rage leaves or I cry. Full blown hyperventilating crying that won’t stop. Recently, I described how I was overwhelmed in my post  Sigh, when I do yell or scream they are not directed at my children and I do not do it very often at all, just like the most recent episode it is under extreme panic mode but David is always there and I usually snap out of it quickly when I see or hear my children.

When I am feeling the reactions of my mind start to build up, I get away from the kids.

If I happen to yell or something…like the other day I had too much sensory overload and social stress, Joshua was crying, he too was feeling the same thing, but I needed him to stop crying. I had to put my hands over my ears and all I could say was “Stop crying! Stop crying, please, please stop!” I then changed what I was doing, I held Joshua and we both just rocked. After we both calmed down I explained to him why mommy was saying that. Ariel was helping and said, “You know Joshua when we get overloaded and our brain isn’t right, that is what mommy felt.” She is so great. He understood and told me that he was feeling it too. We all just needed a break from people, places and change.

The majority of the things I am writing about here are from the past.

I haven’t really had meltdowns like I have described for a very long time, they mainly got better when I met David. Having David has made it much easier to express myself. I have the freedom of telling him why I am upset, or if I don’t know why, he is very supportive of that as well. Having a husband who has accepted me and allows me to say whatever is on my mind without condemnation, guilt or reprieve has made my meltdowns much less. I didn’t realize how much worse it is when you are unable to express yourself. Having to hold it in for fear of rejection, being ‘institutionalized’ (that is another story) being called crazy, among a few makes a huge difference. The main thing that has changed my meltdown issues is that I am heard. David hears me, he lets me say whatever and it is valid. He has helped me see that it is ok to have emotions and express them and I have taken what I have learned and use it for our children.

Our kids have valid reasons to them for being upset and it is ok, but it is how we express it, not that we are expressing it.

Accepting Daniel during his meltdowns has made a huge difference, giving him a different way of expressing it has helped all of us tremendously. He is able to use his words better to communicate his feelings but there are times when he either isn’t sure why he is upset or doesn’t know how to communicate it but instead of hitting he is still using the “growl method” and it’s working! Ariel and Joshua are starting to understand how to communicate their feelings as well. They will share with us why they are angry with us, sad or happy. They explain it especially when they are angry. Ariel: “I am very angry with you mom because I want to paint and you will not let me.” They are also getting better at telling each other, Joshua: “Ariel, you need to stop touching my Iron Man’s because that makes me angry.”

It is pretty funny but it has helped us not have fighting matches in our living room.

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