Ariel gave me the title of this post. I wanted to share this story because it is another developmental progression for Daniel. The whole thing started with Daniel getting very angry at his Perplexus game. In the last few months he has been working on the concept of winning and losing. He does not like to lose. He had been twisting and turning the game trying to get the tiny ball through the maze, almost winning multiple times. Finally, it got to him that he was not winning. He started to cry, and asked “Why am I not winning?”

It took some time to calm him down.

I managed to get him to lift his head from his hands, and look up by losing at the game several times myself. I lost and then expressed myself by saying things like “Oh, darn I lost again. I will keep trying, I guess.”He started to look at me and then would put his face in his hands and say: “Oh, no. Oh, no.” He told me to stop one time, but then I said something about being done playing and trying again later. He was not satisfied, but calmed down some.

He then got upset again.

However, this time he went on the couch and covered himself with a blanket. I asked him if he was alright, and he said: “No.” He continued to say things that I could not decipher, but then we had this conversation: (Joshua is upstairs with David, daddy time.)

Daniel: I’m leaving.

Me: You are leaving? Where are you going?

Daniel: I am leaving far, far away. (He looked at me then, he covered himself with the blanket again.)

Me: Are you going to Mars?

Daniel: Yes, I am going to Mars.

Me: In a rocket ship?

Daniel: Yes, I just did. It takes for a long time.

Me: What is it like on Mars?

Daniel and Ariel: All red.

Daniel: Venus is yellow.

Ariel: Now I am going to Mars. Look Daniel is the first kid on Mars. No wait we are the first two kids on Mars.

After all of that they decided to leave Mars and read some books.

There are some major things that Daniel did today. He understood a little more today that it is alright if you lose. He was able to calm himself, with little help from me. He has never made a statement about leaving before, which prompted me to ask him if he knew what that meant. Here is the conversation:

Me: Daniel do you know what it means to leave?

Daniel: It means to go somewhere, because I was mad.

Me: What or who were you mad at?

Daniel: At brain (that’s what he calls his game “my brain”) I played and played and did not win.

Me: You were mad at brain and wanted to leave?

Daniel: Yes, because I could not win. I am mad at brain, and wanted to leave.

Me: Are you still mad? Do you still want to leave?

Daniel: No, I am not mad. Brain needs to go in the garage.

Me: So are you ok now? Is everybody fine?

Daniel: Yes, everybody’s fine. Ok.

Sometimes I cannot believe that he is talking to me like this.

This is the first holiday season that has not been meltdown madness from October until the end of January. There have been moments, but they have not lasted long at all. Daniel has learned positive coping mechanism like going in his room alone and reading or just looking at books instead of continuing to be aggressive. He continues to learn to express what he is angry or upset at in many more ways. The rest of us have been able to read him much better as well. It has made a huge difference having David, Ariel, and Joshua understand Daniel’s frustrations.

I still need to explain why Daniel is behaving a certain way at times.

The difference is everyone is more understanding, and relating in their own way by thinking of similar things that cause them frustration. It is very clear that Daniel is feeling safer at expressing himself, and feels like he is being heard. It has made a huge difference in his interactions with everyone. He has been talking nonstop — he is repeating many scripts to himself. Some of his frequent scripts are about emotions, his emotions and other people’s emotions. I believe his scripting has helped in learning to calm himself as well. Possibly my own change of attitude toward the holidays helped the month of December.

Next year I will do better with October and November.

On another note I happened to hear this poem on a movie that was background noise for me earlier, (I don’t know what the movie was.) and thought some of you may enjoy it as well. So many poems to read so little time…and music to listen to…and books to read…and dances to dance…and paintings to adore…and sculptures to love…and pictures to seek…and skies to keep…I think I need to stop listening to music I always open the floodgates with music. I can’t help it! I’m not stopping!

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

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I am feeling a sense of loss. I wish I could blow this off, but it is very hard when you are left to wonder. I also have a friend who has opened up to me, I still have not responded to her. I am kind of at a loss of words, and feeling awkward because we have not seen each other or spoken for a while. It’s times like these that I wish I understood how to handle these situations. I really wish I understood how to move on, and not get fixated on the “why’s” of situations. Or at least understood when to stop asking why. I am pretty sure I may be saying that for the rest of my life.

The Rosebush & The Cloud

The downcast rosebush,
tired and feeling frail from her masters pruning,
looked up to the sky, and said to the wise old cloud,
“I guess I have to be pruned some more, really?”
Wise cloud looked down with a fluffy soft smile,
no words for her today,
she stared at him waiting for a reply with hopeful eyes.
He tried to comfort her in silence,
feeling abandoned she sadly looked down,
“How much pruning can one take?”
Pondering a little while longer,
she mustered up some strength, trying to be hopeful,
“As much as they are willing to take to blossom, I presume.”
Wise cloud looked down with reassuring eyes, in a breeze he spoke,
“Blossom sweet rosebush, focus on the blossom, and do not get lost in the pruning.”

Poetry and clouds, I smile. That is all.

Quotes from one of my Top 5 books of all time “Franny and Zooey” by J.D. Salinger

“Maybe there’s a trapdoor under my chair, and I’ll just disappear.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“I feel so funny. I think I’m going crazy. Maybe I’m already crazy.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“We’re the tattooed lady, and we’re never going to have a minute’s peace, the rest of our lives, until everybody else is tattooed, too.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

Excerpt from THE DRY SALVAGES (No. 3 of “Four Quartets”) by T.S. Eliot

Lying awake, calculating the future,
trying to unweave, unwind, unravel
and piece together the past and the future
between midnight and dawn, when the past is
all deception, the future, futureless…

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Excerpt from To You by Walt Whitman

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb’d nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color’d light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color’d light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber’d upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom’d routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform’d attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

Insert happy clouds here, a mailbox for trees, and a moonbow from Iceland.

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I must be back in a “seeing numbers in everything” loop because they have been popping out at me again lately. I normally see numbers, it doesn’t go away, but when they operate in this loop they become breathing and moving organisms in massive settings. I see them dance, play, fold, mesh, and flow out of things. There is an added intensity because of their color or how some numbers come at me in black-and-white. I really enjoy when the numbers play with me. They have been my close friends for a lifetime. Last night I went for a bike ride, and as I was saying: “hi” to all of the trees and bushes I noticed how their leaves or trunks would fold into numbers.

I could see bunches of numbers, double digits, or single digits.

I was in high-speed last night because I had a lot of energy and wanted to ride my bike like a maniac! As I flitted across the road I was captured by pine cones and their numbers, a lizard that popped out as a striped 21, a black spider crawling he was an 8. Spiders always remind me of eight, I am sure it is as simple as their number of legs and pairs of eyes. I rode past the ponds and the ripples flowed into masses of numbers folding into smooth calm reflections. The sky made the water look pink in the silhouette of the trees in the background. They all blended in number and color. I also noticed that their vibrations were forming the numbers, the vibrations of the still tree trunks. The bouncing of the sounds from each number, color, and vibration I saw in the scenery surrounding me.

That is my “big picture” thinking.

I get captured in the details of these things and lose track of time and even the things going on around me. I think this is why I could spend hours outside by myself as a child and even as an adult. As a child I was outside from the time the sun came out until it was too black to see. As long as I was in eye-shot my mom was fine with it. I get intrigued by certain things and they can make me start thinking and seeing things with a certain intrigue to investigate this world. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to “play” basketball. We had a great time, but the sound and feel of the bounce and vibration of the ball does something to me. It wakes up some sort sensory chamber and gets me seeing with intensity. I think this may be a reason that I would practice dribbling so I could watch and listen to the world that it opened up for me.

I have found no other ball that does that for me. 

The sounds are not the same when you kick, or throw, or toss a ball. A kick ball has a nice ping sound, but not the same and it does not produce the dynamics of acoustic waves that a basketball does for me. This sound, sight, and feel of the tiny bumps on the ball give some sort of sensory stimulation in me. It helped the flow of numbers and colors that were already at play manifest in a greater way yesterday. For me all of the little details are the big picture, but others would say that I am caught up in the minute details. It reminded me of the poem I had written the other day Hidden Lyrics. I wrote this poem based on a vision (movie) playing in my mind. I was transported into the depths of a human heart. As I looked around it twisted into DNA strands, which to me manifest into lyrics.

I was captured by the strands of a mass of people.

The strands had music and lyrics that twisted and folded into helical formulas. The DNA strands each coded with every person’s own genetic formula, any missing spaces had silence, but then would wrap into lyric and song. There was certain code that had no words only a tune, but they all flowed together into what made the person. Their songs still playing and twisting out, but some lyrics were muted. They rose to the surface to create a person and the individual was born. I mixed the poem with my own personal emotions as well, but in all of those details I saw the “big picture”.

It makes me wonder what it truly means by big picture.

What do we lose when we do not reflect on the minute details to look at a mass as one instead of seeing the “one” as the mass? The other intriguing thing about this poem is the picture. I found the picture after I had written the poem and when I saw it I thought it was perfect. I so wish I could paint or draw what is in my mind fully. I went to the page about the artist and was captivated. This taken from her bio caught my attention. “Crick explores this idea through encaustic painting and print-making by mixing impulses from both sides of the brain: logical and random, methodical and intuitive, textual and visual.” I recommend reading her bio and checking out her art. I find it so interesting that several months ago I started my attempts at painting and drawing, but the images I felt would be perceived as childish or silly.

I never thought I could paint or draw the images that floated about in my mind, or I thought I would be laughed at.

The paintings that started to come out of me were swirlies, infinities, numbers, and strands of what look like infinities connecting to each other or through each other. These painting or doodles help me a great deal to process and they make me very calm. After searching for images for my poem blog, I became aware of how many other artists are out there painting these images. They are from all walks of life. They are extremely spiritual, scientific, or no beliefs at all, they are angry or full of joy, and they have beliefs that range from organized religion to New Age. I find it interesting and fascinating that we are all separated yet connected. It gets me thinking about what causes our divisions amongst our human clans. What is it that keeps us hiding our lyrics from one another or stopping to listen to another person’s song? I know why I do. I drown out their lyrics or tune because they confuse me, hurt me, anger me, or judge me.

I would like to know what it looks like to have harmony with our human songs playing and being heard together.

I am not going to bust out the Coke Coca Cola song, ok I am! Too bad I do not drink soda.   Seriously, all of this has me pondering about the big picture because I am supposed to be focused on that and not the details according to the world. However, the world seems to be missing a lot of the big picture by not seeing, acknowledging, or even stopping a moment to see what the details actually have to tell us about their big picture. I guess that is my rambling for the day. I am off to have some fun with the kids and gather up all of their details.

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Ariel wanted to do dragon poems. I think we are in an obsessive state that is all she is drawing, playing with, talking about, and writing about. We’ll just go with it. Dragons rock!

Dragons

By Ariel

Dragons are cool.

Dragons need help,

With people giving them food and water to survive.

They need people petting them,

And riding them,

Because nice dragons like that.

Mean dragons—stay away from.

They need to learn how to be nice.

When you see them move backwards slowly,

Then they may start liking you.

 

Dragon

by Ariel

Nethew is his name.

He is red and black.

His eyes are blue.

In the summer and spring he stays outside

And the sun makes him shine on his back.

 

He has green points on the back of his arms and legs.

He has sharp teeth,

Because all dragons need sharp teeth to eat meat,

To make them strong.

 

He says hello a lot by saying “RAWR”

Because all dragons need to say “RAWR”

When he was little he said a tiny “rawr” like a baby,

But when he was grown-up

He said “RAWR” so everyone could hear him

When he was flying,

When no one could see him.

 

The color of his wings are yellow.

He has three claws on his wings,

Four legs.

He shoots out an earth ball.

He lives on Colden, my secret planet

With other dragons who are his friends.

 

When he turns mad,

His eyes turn glowing red,

He gets mad when other dragons tease him

Or other mean dragons hurt him.

Or when people try to fight him.

He plays a lot.

 

He likes to run and exercise,

To get strong

To defeat in battle and win in the dragon war.

 

He likes to fly a lot too

To see birds,

To play with them and meet them.

 

He eats meat, animals that die,

Or people who die in war,

Or if animals kill a person,

He eats the bones

Because he doesn’t want to kill.

He only hurts bad guys,

Because he doesn’t want to die.

He likes to hang out.

He is a very happy dragon.

He protects other dragons.

 

Star Wars Lego

by Joshua

Luke is my favorite,

Because he was a gun guy

And Luke was a Jedi.

Hans Solo, I like a little

And I like Luke the best.

Hans Solo has a gun,

But he is not a Jedi.

Obi-Wan just turned into a spirit,

I don’t know how he does that.

 

The Alien Walker

by Joshua

I really like it because of the guys.

And the green trap.

It can fly

It flies into space with the aliens.

They fly to their home,

Alien Glass Planet.

It’s really cool because,

It has three legs and three feet.

 

Darth Maul Lego Watch

by Daniel

It has a clock in it—SEE!

The face spins right and left.

Its white and red and black.

It has white in it.

Darth Maul Lego spins on my watch.

 

Cell Phone

by Daniel

Its gray and black

When I close it,

It makes a “roun” sound.

The battery is a rectangle one.

I like batteries,

They make electricity.

I like the numbers on it,

When I push them they go to the screen.

The screen looks like a TV,

But it’s just a phone.

 

Because today I do not feel like laughing. I am reminded of how different I feel from others because the things that make me laugh do not always make others laugh. The things that make me cry do not seem to have the same effect on others as well. It is times like these that I want to shut myself up from all of the world and just stay in my safe controlled space. I feel alone even though I know others know what I am feeling and may feel the same way.

It is still isolating and painful sometimes.

Feeling disconnected from the world and people. But I know it will not last and the best way to help myself is to write something, so I wrote a poem about laughing. I am not wrong for laughing when I feel like it and I am not wrong for crying when I feel like it. Whatever my reasons, they are mine and that is ok. I am allowed to have these feelings. So I will remember also, that sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time and that is ok too. I refuse to allow myself to shut down and cut myself off, the way I so desperately want to.

 

Laughing

From one extreme to the next,

I find myself quite perplexed.

~

Crying, writhing for the hearts broken,

when suddenly laughter is burgeon.

~

What a quandary of non-sense I feel,

when out of darkness a smile appears.

~

Rolling, thunderous pounding from my gut,

uncontrollable–No! I can’t stop!

~

Senseless to some,

strange for another,

for me freedom,

it puts any fear far and asunder.

~

Quaking can no longer stand,

when the laughter is not band.

~

Open mouths free to cry,

bring in the laughter, give it a try.

~

Silly peoples, serious with pout,

causing us quirky’s to feel left out!

~

No need to worry,

no need to sigh,

out of our strange deeds,

should smiles abide.

~

Memories flooding, crashing my dreams,

laughter cascading among the scenes.

~

Once we few, left in the cold,

laughing alone, yet still rather bold.

~

I see a face, I question why,

funny eyebrows, they make me cry.

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I really need to take a break from the computer but I cannot seem to pull away. I didn’t realize how much emotion I would feel having so many social networks sharing so much about autism awareness. It gets me thinking about all kinds of things and it brings a lot of mixed emotions. I tried to have words to write but I have too many words that are crashing together and not flowing, along with no words at all. It’s frustrating. I felt that I wanted to get this out because my mind is going round and round and is fixated. Right now the only way I am really able to express myself is through writing about the pictures that are like Polaroids flashing in my mind. I also have my life playing like a movie over and over again and I am hoping that by writing this it will help me to stop fixating. So this is what came out.

Autism to Me

The light that shines in my darkness.

The answers that healed my heart.

The frustrations of not understanding.

Discovering that my mom and I just misunderstood each other throughout my life.

The joy of being able to have freedom.

The day he finally spoke.

When I scream at the top of my lungs.

The time I danced and leaped because he used finger paint.

The time he flipped out in the store and all the people stared,

I carried him to the car and cried.

The time he flipped out at the checkout,

the cashier and people behind us glared, AND I no longer cared.

The smile that woke me up this morning.

My daily struggle with anxiety.

My very loud laughter when I am not supposed to laugh.

Me laughing with my kids when they are laughing….and they are not supposed to laugh.

Us going out in public in whatever we want to wear!

Me bringing specific foods for each of us so we can participate in society.

Painful feelings of isolation.

Exuberant feelings of relief.

Hours in the bath tub.

Being terrified of the phone.

Having sleepless nights.

Being afraid and not knowing why.

Needing comfort and not knowing how to get it.

Longing to be with people but not know what to say or when to say something.

Not wanting to be around people at all!

Being happy being alone at times.

Seeing things that other people never see.

Saying the things people want to say but never do.

Staring blankly but thinking many things.

A mind that never stops.

Having batteries, fans, typewriters, recorders, and cameras as toys.

Collecting many, many things.

Organizing things.

Dumping things.

Jumping, running, pounding, clanging, pouncing and spinning.

Not wanting a hug but needing one to find calm.

Crying because writing is too hard.

Screaming when shampoo is put on their hair.

Walking out in front of cars because he is so desperate to get away from something.

Listening to hours of talking about fans, Lego’s, animals, games and social situations.

Learning new teaching techniques and therapies, to finally find the ONE.

Realizing that there is no just ONE.

Discovering that people do not think the way I do.

Learning social scripts by writing social stories for my kids.

Anxiety, fear, joy, laughter, pain, goodness, something new almost every day.

My whole life.

Everyday, my past, my present and my future.

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In my previous post I spoke about how David and I met and what we felt called to do in our new life together. We moved across country to start a coffee shop ministry. The vision for the ministry was to bring all Christian denominations together through the arts. We felt like it should be a place that ministered to both believers and non-believers. Through means of music, art, poetry, woodwork, sculpting, films and guest speakers, those were some of the outlets. We had to live with David’s mom and step-dad for the first several months we were there. That was an interesting time that truly brought us closer together in a very short period. We lived in a bedroom with both of my cats, his mom had two cats and three dogs, we had to keep my cats locked up because they still had claws and were not too friendly with others.

That was interesting to say the least.

For a long period of time we were unable to find work, David was still working on his thesis and we were networking for the coffee shop ministry. We got connected with many great people who saw the vision and supported us, not financially because we never felt that we were supposed to receive an income from the ministry. However, the owners of several local coffee shops opened their doors to us and gave us free rein on the weekends to have people come in and share their art. It was a win-win for both parties because the coffee shop would gain new customers/business and the artists would gain exposure/business. There were times that it was very frustrating having churches tell us that they did not want it to be a mix of denominations. Then there was the business of trying to “sell” us to congregations.

One pastor of a megachurch told us that he could have his 1300 young adults there every Sat., all we had to do was join a small group.

We did not feel comfortable in that church or with the proposal so we just let it drop. It was mainly how the pastor made it clear that he could influence his people to go wherever he said. Scary. So many churches loved the idea but wanted us to be under their umbrella. We felt like it was not supposed to be a part of a specific church. Finally, we got involved with an internet ministry and became a parachurch ministry under them. They brought us on to write articles for them dealing with many different topics. We met different people and were exposed to a lot of different ministries. David eventually got an adjunct position at a Christian University and we had really warmed out our welcome at his parents house. They had their own financial burdens.

It was time for us to leave but we had no money and no place to go.

Many of the people we had met stepped up and rallied around us through prayer and funds. We were able to get a horrible apartment for $200 a month with David cleaning the grounds to help with rent. We felt like it was a palace! We didn’t care about the location or the black mold it was ours and it was huge compared to the room we had been in.   We finally managed to start the coffee shop ministry and had many different artists come through. We had paintings, photography, indie Christian films that would offend a lot of Christians but the messages were great because they were painful and challenging, poets, musicians, and some speakers. It didn’t last long though, we got pregnant and I started to get very sick from the mold and the pregnancy.

David had to find more work and I was in bed the first few months of the pregnancy.

From the beginning we felt like we were supposed to start it and others were to take over. After we got pregnant I just couldn’t keep up with getting artists to come and David had to get as much work as possible. Again people rallied around us and helped us get into a much nicer apartment. We had a great experience while we did the coffee shop, we met many believers who felt like they just couldn’t step into a church building ever again and they enjoyed the freedom of being themselves. There were artists who felt like their talent was wasting away because there was no outlet for them in the Body of Christ but the ministry was giving them the outlet they longed for. There was freedom of beliefs and freedom of expression. If ever I felt the power of God it was in the moments that the artists were operating freely in their gifting and expressing themselves before man and God.

I loved when people would say things like “I never knew Christians were creative.”

Doesn’t that seem wrong? I know not everyone is a Christian but the sheer belief that we are supposed to believe in the Creator, wouldn’t it seem like we would be VERY creative? Whatever our creative outlet may be, it is not limited to the arts but what we are gifted at. Wouldn’t our inspiration come from working with the Creator and knowing Him? I am not being a snot here I am being serious. It is a question that I have thought about a lot. I digress. The owners of the coffee shop did keep it going for a while and the owners franchised to several other Christians who did keep it going in their own way. Some of the churches we met with started their own version in their buildings. I liked how for a time it brought unity to people who ordinarily would not come together, I liked how it wasn’t about one church or artist but about a community trying to express the love of Christ through their gifting and sharing it with others through love.

David and I have been church vagabonds pretty much from the beginning.

Even before I met David I would frequent various churches throughout town, I liked being exposed to different churches and people. Though I was devoted to both of my home churches while I went to them, I still was visiting friends churches as well. When we moved we never felt like we found a church home, we went to many different churches from Denominational to Pentecostal to Messianic we were all over the place. We liked it like that. After the twins were born though our life changed drastically and we ended up in seclusion for a long time. We tried to go to church on several occasions but it just didn’t work, especially since we never belonged to a church there. This would lead to the path of us going to a church here that caused so much confusion and pain.

I completely lost my identity after the kids were born, ministry had become who I was.

I really lost any sense of self trying to understand what was going on with Daniel and taking care of the babies by myself. David had to work and I had no family, no friends and no help. We lost touch with all of the connections we had before and I was starting to get very depressed. I loved being a mom but I was so tired, lonely, and would be locked up in the house all the time. Where we lived it was cold! I do not do well with cold and snow anyway but the last year we were there we had been trapped in our house several times because of blizzards. I couldn’t drive the car we had and the city we lived in kept me in constant anxiety. I had no contact with people for long periods of time. When we moved here I was desperate for any social contact.

Because of my vulnerable state, I didn’t use very good judgment.

I am naive and gullible about people’s motives anyway, but I have been especially that way in church because I thought that all Christians (actually most people) were good and nice and would never do anything mean. I still do, mostly. I felt like if there were problems than it had to be my fault. I have written about this church enough, basically I had my guard down, I was tired, lonely and desperate because of that I fell for some twisted thinking and wrong doctrine. David was trying to be as supportive as possible and had hoped that I would see for myself what was taking place.

They used scriptures to control and manipulate, not for what they are truly for.

It didn’t take long but it was long enough for me to experience spiritual abuse and to feel like I was loosing my mind. The good thing is I learned a lot, I have forgiveness and no bitterness any longer. I know that my priority in life now is to take care of my kids and just love people as best as I can. We have never been evangelists or  apologetists (I think I made that word up.) but we have always wanted to share the love of Christ and the acceptance that community is supposed to be about no matter where people are on their spiritual or non-spiritual journey. :- ) We see and experience God through the gifts and freedom to share them with others. The goodness that comes from serving one another without seeking something for ourselves, that brings us great joy. For us that is what Jesus reflects, love, acceptance and building up people to be who God intended them to be.

We do not feel obligated or guilted in sharing the message of Jesus, we just try to live it out.

(And now this movie is done, on to the next one. )

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I remember when Daniel was born he was first; he paved the way for his twin sister and made the whole experience very quick and easy. He turned head down at about six months and stayed that way until the end. He was so far down I thought he was just going to come out at any time. When I saw him I only had a moment because the doctor asked if I wanted to rest and then said if I did my little girl may go breech. So I didn’t take a break I said “let’s go I can’t have that”. Seven minutes later there she was my precious Ariel.

My twins are finally here!

I got to hold Daniel right away but it was very short. I had to wait until we got to the room to finally enjoy him. They were so beautiful. It was such an awesome experience and I was filled with joy. I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could love them. I was sort of afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love them the way they needed to be loved. They were so precious and such amazing gifts. I thought everything would be great. Just like the pregnancy and birth. It was all so good and went so well.

I thought now we will just be like everyone else with kids.

I had the image in my mind that we would all be happy and normal. At least my kids, I didn’t think they could possibly suffer from any of the things I suffered from. I came from teenage parents who got a divorce when I was three. Lower income up into my teenage years, living in a trailer. My mom being divorced and my dad remarried to my step mom with their own family. Being bullied and made fun of all through school, suffering from anxiety and depression from as far back as I can remember.

No way would our children ever have the same fears and issues as me!

David and I am happy, stable, we work hard at keeping peace and balance in our household. Surely our kids would be able to enjoy life and not have any problems. Right?

My Kids

Bright and smiling they lead me to join
into the trumpet of laughter and song.

The questions they had for me today,
gave me hope in a new way.

Dancing and leaping just because,
what fun it is to live life as bright as the sun.

We have such peace, wonder, and love.
Countless moments and many to come.

They make me better they make me right.
They cause me not to be so uptight.

They fill me with awe and surprise.
Wonderful gifts that no money could buy.

Unique and different in every way,
I can’t say no when I hear “Mom, let’s play”!

They are perfect in everyway,
being themselves as they play.

All frustrations wash away,
when I see their smiles throughout the day.

My prayer for them is that they will be
truly who they were created to be and live their life completely free.