04/19/13

I Forgot!

I completely forgot to share my latest poetry book on this blog. It is the final in the Into Infinity series. (I am moving on to other poetry ventures and focusing on my fiction novel.) It is titled Unrequited, you can click on the image to go to amazon. :-)

Unrequited

I shared this on my poetry blog today – I suppose I will here too. Why not?

Rhetoric (Into Infinity)

Rhetoric (Into Infinity)

 

This weekend I am offering my book Rhetoric free!

Rhetoric (Into Infinity)

“Second in the ongoing Into Infinity series, the poems within manifest the power of words, the stubbornness of grammar, and intriguing inspirations of music.

Words are incredibly powerful – they can infuse life or death into a soul. The manipulation of grammar in poetry causes punctuation to enjoy being contorted, unveiling their hidden unruly nature.” ~ A.D. Stone 

I decided that in honor of National Poetry Month I would offer another one of my poetry books for free.

If you missed Rhetoric, here is your chance to download it! Rhetoric, flows with my love of word play and dismantling grammar. I like to break grammar rules in poetry because I can get so caught up into them if I do not! I love words, and I do think they may be fond of me. hee hee I hope you take advantage of my offer and enjoy some playful musings! Don’t have a Kindle? No problem, check out the free app on Amazon HERE.

Happy Friday! 

A little riddle, can anyone guess how the cover image is connected to the title, Rhetoric? Go!  :-)

My other two can be located in links on my Books page.

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03/1/13

An Off-Day … Rather Blah

I am not feeling right today. Right is not the correct word, but I am not sure what else I could use. I am “off”, not quite myself, a little anxious, frustrated, and unsure of how to articulate what it is exactly. I had to look up “off-day” to clarify that I indeed was having a day like that. Lol! Based on the definition: off-day noun a day when things go poorly; ”I guess this is one of my off-days” I suppose that will work, but I am not sure that I feel that things are going poorly. So who knows. I am sure I have spent entirely too much time on the definition and seeking an explanation for what I am feeling.

It does bother me at times though, because other people seem to be fine with saying “I am having an off-day.”

They can say that they are having an “off-day” move on and not feel the way I do about having a day like this. I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I am frustrated. I feel like I am doing something wrong because I feel rather irritable and not as motivated as I normally am. Even though I do not feel motivated I have completed everything I set out to do today. I feel as though there is someone watching me pointing a finger every time I do not do something right away, or if I act a little grumpy. I do know that this is not new. I can remember throughout my life feeling that it was wrong for me to be grumpy, irritated, or tired even.

Why am I not allowed to have a bad day?

I let others have their bad day. I may not understand why and need to ask sometimes, but if I understand why or I am told that they do not know, I shrug it off and let it go. I do have certain emotions around the fact that I cannot pinpoint what I am feeling, and that I cannot communicate it clearly. I am sure if I write some things out I will be able to have a better understanding. Hence, this post.

This week has been full of phone calls.

I have packed more phone conversations into the last two weeks than, I have in the last six months. I have been trying to get assistance for Daniel and myself, both of us were denied. So I am bummed about that and need to recoup. I will go in search of other ways to find help. I am frustrated with the fact that we make too much, but not enough. However, I am also frustrated that once I start to make progress in areas to get the kids and me into things, some of which cost money, somehow, someway something comes up, and we cannot afford it. I am still looking for ways to help get these guys into YMCA camps and some sort of summer school. I have mentioned several times now that we should bring someone in to look at the finances. Maybe they would have a better perspective and give some ideas. I do not have much input in the finances and when I make suggestions, they do not get implemented very often.

I do not mean to sound down; finances are just so discouraging and have been for so long that it bothers me.

blahAriel has been sick for a few days also. I feel so bad for her she has not been able to talk because of throat being so sore, but the good news is that she has been writing out everything that she wants. That is a bonus because she gets discouraged with writing many times. This has boosted her confidence in writing and has been good for practicing spelling words.

Daniel has been off too.

He has mentioned several times that he was worried about Ariel and that he does not like her being sick. He has been very moody with me and getting frustrated easily with me. That can take a lot of energy trying figure out what is wrong and how to help him.

Although, the positives about this is that Daniel has been using his words and making huge efforts at calming himself.

It has made his recovery time much shorter and his mood bounces quickly back to the happy fella he normally is. Joshua is just fine; he is still my highly energetic giggly guy. I do hope that Daniel and Joshua do not get sore throats that will not be fun for anyone. :-)  I think my “mood” could be escalated because I have been very social too. On the bright side I did find a tutor for Daniel and she is charging somewhere around half than the others I had been looking at. I got so discouraged at trying to find someone because no one was contacting me back; I finally, picked up the phone and called her.

She met with us last Tuesday.

She will start next Tuesday for his hour-long sessions with her.  She currently tutors several other special needs children, but she teaches at a local high school. Once I discovered that she was teaching English/Lit. I immediately asked her if she wrote. She said that she did a little when she had the time. I asked what she wrote and had to grab hold of my hands so they would not flap when she said, “Poetry, and short stories.”

I was so excited and giddy.

I asked her who her favorite poets were and she started naming off several different poems from Alfred Lord Tennyson. Let me slip in here a wondrous poem, though she did not mention it, but my fondness of Boadicea has to be mentioned! :-) I shared that my first love will always be Edgar Allen Poe – I cannot help myself. Daniel likes her very much and is looking forward to “reading” with her. He said he would like to read with her “very much.”  She did seem to have a good feel about her and I liked the way she was with Daniel. During the summer, her schedule will be more flexible.

I am also meeting with my dad next week.

That may be weighing on me too. Oh, yeah, and the kids and I are getting together with my sister and niece too. In addition, my 20 year-old sister texted me today and told me that she was pregnant. I haven’t talked to her in so long that I cannot even remember. The last I heard she broke up with her boyfriend, but I guess they got back together and now are having a baby. I congratulated her and wished her luck. I was not surprised, only more confused as to why she was texting me when she has not talked to me in so long. I know that this is my social confusion kicking in –  I think it is heightened because of my current mood. Ha ha ha Sometimes I cannot help but laugh at the things I write.

I am not sure why it is funny to me, it just is.

You know, I have been working hard trying to make changes in my life and for my kids. I suppose all of these things contribute as well as other things that I cannot think of right now to my grumpiness. Still I do not really feel grumpy either. I feel more blah … Maybe I will feel better after I get a little break. Grandma is coming over to watch the kids in a bit and I am going to take some quiet time.

Most likely, that is all I need – some alone time.

Daniel and Ariel both have not left my sides for days. They have been unable to sleep without me. My mind is spinning from researching and trying to think of jobs for myself too. My head is spinning about many things. I will focus on the good – I have not had near the amount of anxiety that I have in the past. Today, I realized that I have not been kind to myself when it comes to feeling off or having a bad day. I am going to let myself off the hook and say, “It’s ok to be off and feel blah.” The weather is kind of blah that may be doing it too. I am still giggly so that is a good sign. I shall go eat some lunch and see if that perks me up. Bummer Grandma just cancelled as I was writing this. David said that I should still go. I will still go and take my break – I think I need it.

In honor of Edgar, one of my favorite poems of his. (I love to share it, just because I love it so much!)

 

 

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01/5/13

I Will Share Here Too

I have been working on a post on and of all day. I am very distracted. I have been procrastinating getting school stuff ready for the new semester. I am just not feeling it. I do not have much of a choice tomorrow I will have to get prepared otherwise next week will be horrible for all of us. Yikes!

The post I am working on is about learning the things that motivate me. 

It is almost 2000 words, I did not want it to be that long. It is not coming out very well either. I needed a break. I decided that I might as well share on here that I published my two poetry books! I mentioned it in passing, but I figured that I would make an official announcement. I did on my poetry blog. I am not sure how many people here have been to my poetry blog as well.

Here is some of what I shared on my post Into Infinity… 

The series is titled “Into Infinity” each book is categorized and filled with poems that are my heart for certain topics. The first two share my love of science, numbers, words, and “love-hate” for punctuation.

The books to follow will be about emotions dealing with love, heartbreak, society, and other interests I have such as myths and fairy tales. I do have and will have new poems, possibly some short stories as well in these.

I am looking forward to learning more about the self-publishing process, as well as pushing myself to get better with each venture. 

 

I am very happy that I had a goal and achieved it. 

This has been a scary adventure for me for many reasons, but I am shedding the fearful thoughts. I am working on things that I enjoy. This is the first time that I have ever done something like this solely for me. I have achieved many goals and accomplishments, but I usually had another person,or situation in mind, or my motivations were jumbled when I was achieving them. It is rather hard for me to explain.

Either work, family, friends, or say church were my guiding forces for my goals and accomplishments.

I set goals that were material or relational with the goal being fixed so to speak. Sometimes they were out of fear of rejection, other times they were adopted from others because I thought it was what you were supposed to do. This was the first time I chose to fulfill a goal with no one else’s motivation poking me. I did it all on my own with no one telling me what or how to do it. It was mine, all mine! Even my first brand new car I purchased was influenced by my boss at the time. 

Many of my goals have been influenced by others. 

It made me feel incapable of making decisions on my own. I felt as though I always had to second guess myself, or get someone’s approval. It felt good to complete these books. I also have a plan set to keep my motivation going. I hope all of that makes sense.  I will stop now. :-)

Feel free to “like”, share, buy, borrow if you have a Kindle, whichever!  :-) (Tips on being a self-promoter are welcome.)

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09/5/12

Had To Share

We are taking our lunch break from school and I wanted to get this out before we got back to it. I am overwhelmed with some happy mommy moments. Several things have happened this morning. Daniel and I were doing his social studies lesson, and they asked how Rosalynn and Jimmy Carter have made an impact on the U.S. and the world. There were not a lot of details so I went in search of some things to try to break it down in terms he could understand. He was beginning to get frustrated. Finally, he said, “I do not understand.”

I asked, ” What do you not understand the question, or do you not understand what they did?”

He said, “I do not understand what they did.” The information given was about Habitat for Humanity and other issues dealing with people who were without. We ended up in a discussion about how some people are not able to work for various reasons, or do not have jobs, and cannot afford food or homes among other things. He was taken aback and sat thinking about this for a while. He then, needed me to explain the how’s and why’s of the situations. He was clearly upset and worried that others were going without anything. After I was able to get him to answer the question, which was, “They helped people get something.” (I am not sure he will get credit for that.) He said that he needed a break.

We have not talked about it since.

He is currently slowly driving me bonkers with loud claps and stomps. :-)  Wow! Just wow! That was a milestone for sure and I have no doubt that he will be asking me more questions in the near future. Another grand thing that happened was that Joshua was able to read and write all of his spelling words! They are doing short e words, and he read three decoder books for me – so exciting! Yay! This is truly a big deal since he has already had a very rough morning with him and Ariel getting into arguments over the semantics of the word “passing.” Ugh! They are currently in dispute over the way a Hero Factory guy is supposed to look. :-/ Ariel told me this morning that she had a poem in her head from last night.  I was a little teary-eyed when she shared her poem with me and then, requested that we put it up on her blog. (She also asked me to share it with her teacher.)

I will share her poem and picture here too.

 

 Eyes 

Eyes look

Eyes see,

but some eyes

don’t see what is really happening to me.

Eyes glitter

Eyes look,

but the only eyes

that see my world are mine.

She also said, “I am writing this because I have a different world in my mind.”

She has not felt like putting anything on her blog in a while or like writing anything for several months. I was excited that she has her creativity juices flowing again. I was also very moved by her words. I got concerned about her writing, “don’t see what is really happening to me.” I asked her if that was good or bad. She explained to me that it was good because it is her world. She likes that she thinks differently, but that she also can see how she shares similarities with people with other things. It made me feel proud that she accepts herself and sees her differences in a positive way. She is deciding and defining parts of  her own identity and I think that is pure awesomeness! I wish I had been able to learn (keep and express) that at such an early age. I think that it is so awesome how she sees the world – how they all see the world.

Happy mom moments! :-D

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01/1/12

The First Two Children on Mars

Ariel gave me the title of this post. I wanted to share this story because it is another developmental progression for Daniel. The whole thing started with Daniel getting very angry at his Perplexus game. In the last few months he has been working on the concept of winning and losing. He does not like to lose. He had been twisting and turning the game trying to get the tiny ball through the maze, almost winning multiple times. Finally, it got to him that he was not winning. He started to cry, and asked “Why am I not winning?”

It took some time to calm him down.

I managed to get him to lift his head from his hands, and look up by losing at the game several times myself. I lost and then expressed myself by saying things like “Oh, darn I lost again. I will keep trying, I guess.”He started to look at me and then would put his face in his hands and say: “Oh, no. Oh, no.” He told me to stop one time, but then I said something about being done playing and trying again later. He was not satisfied, but calmed down some.

He then got upset again.

However, this time he went on the couch and covered himself with a blanket. I asked him if he was alright, and he said: “No.” He continued to say things that I could not decipher, but then we had this conversation: (Joshua is upstairs with David, daddy time.)

Daniel: I’m leaving.

Me: You are leaving? Where are you going?

Daniel: I am leaving far, far away. (He looked at me then, he covered himself with the blanket again.)

Me: Are you going to Mars?

Daniel: Yes, I am going to Mars.

Me: In a rocket ship?

Daniel: Yes, I just did. It takes for a long time.

Me: What is it like on Mars?

Daniel and Ariel: All red.

Daniel: Venus is yellow.

Ariel: Now I am going to Mars. Look Daniel is the first kid on Mars. No wait we are the first two kids on Mars.

After all of that they decided to leave Mars and read some books.

There are some major things that Daniel did today. He understood a little more today that it is alright if you lose. He was able to calm himself, with little help from me. He has never made a statement about leaving before, which prompted me to ask him if he knew what that meant. Here is the conversation:

Me: Daniel do you know what it means to leave?

Daniel: It means to go somewhere, because I was mad.

Me: What or who were you mad at?

Daniel: At brain (that’s what he calls his game “my brain”) I played and played and did not win.

Me: You were mad at brain and wanted to leave?

Daniel: Yes, because I could not win. I am mad at brain, and wanted to leave.

Me: Are you still mad? Do you still want to leave?

Daniel: No, I am not mad. Brain needs to go in the garage.

Me: So are you ok now? Is everybody fine?

Daniel: Yes, everybody’s fine. Ok.

Sometimes I cannot believe that he is talking to me like this.

This is the first holiday season that has not been meltdown madness from October until the end of January. There have been moments, but they have not lasted long at all. Daniel has learned positive coping mechanism like going in his room alone and reading or just looking at books instead of continuing to be aggressive. He continues to learn to express what he is angry or upset at in many more ways. The rest of us have been able to read him much better as well. It has made a huge difference having David, Ariel, and Joshua understand Daniel’s frustrations.

I still need to explain why Daniel is behaving a certain way at times.

The difference is everyone is more understanding, and relating in their own way by thinking of similar things that cause them frustration. It is very clear that Daniel is feeling safer at expressing himself, and feels like he is being heard. It has made a huge difference in his interactions with everyone. He has been talking nonstop — he is repeating many scripts to himself. Some of his frequent scripts are about emotions, his emotions and other people’s emotions. I believe his scripting has helped in learning to calm himself as well. Possibly my own change of attitude toward the holidays helped the month of December.

Next year I will do better with October and November. :-)

On another note I happened to hear this poem on a movie that was background noise for me earlier, (I don’t know what the movie was.) and thought some of you may enjoy it as well. So many poems to read so little time…and music to listen to…and books to read…and dances to dance…and paintings to adore…and sculptures to love…and pictures to seek…and skies to keep…I think I need to stop listening to music I always open the floodgates with music. I can’t help it! I’m not stopping! :-)

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)


 

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11/30/11

Poetry And Clouds

I am feeling a sense of loss. I wish I could blow this off, but it is very hard when you are left to wonder. I also have a friend who has opened up to me, I still have not responded to her. I am kind of at a loss of words, and feeling awkward because we have not seen each other or spoken for a while. It’s times like these that I wish I understood how to handle these situations. I really wish I understood how to move on, and not get fixated on the “why’s” of situations. Or at least understood when to stop asking why. I am pretty sure I may be saying that for the rest of my life. :-)

The Rosebush & The Cloud

The downcast rosebush,
tired and feeling frail from her masters pruning,
looked up to the sky, and said to the wise old cloud,
“I guess I have to be pruned some more, really?”
Wise cloud looked down with a fluffy soft smile,
no words for her today,
she stared at him waiting for a reply with hopeful eyes.
He tried to comfort her in silence,
feeling abandoned she sadly looked down,
“How much pruning can one take?”
Pondering a little while longer,
she mustered up some strength, trying to be hopeful,
“As much as they are willing to take to blossom, I presume.”
Wise cloud looked down with reassuring eyes, in a breeze he spoke,
“Blossom sweet rosebush, focus on the blossom, and do not get lost in the pruning.”

Poetry and clouds, I smile. That is all.

Quotes from one of my Top 5 books of all time “Franny and Zooey” by J.D. Salinger

“Maybe there’s a trapdoor under my chair, and I’ll just disappear.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“I feel so funny. I think I’m going crazy. Maybe I’m already crazy.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“An artist’s only concern is to shoot for some kind of perfection, and on his own terms, not anyone else’s.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

“We’re the tattooed lady, and we’re never going to have a minute’s peace, the rest of our lives, until everybody else is tattooed, too.”
- J.D. Salinger, Franny and Zooey

Excerpt from THE DRY SALVAGES (No. 3 of “Four Quartets”) by T.S. Eliot

Lying awake, calculating the future,
trying to unweave, unwind, unravel
and piece together the past and the future
between midnight and dawn, when the past is
all deception, the future, futureless…

somewhere i have never travelled,gladly beyond by E. E. Cummings

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

Excerpt from To You by Walt Whitman

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem,
I whisper with my lips close to your ear.
I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you.

O I have been dilatory and dumb,
I should have made my way straight to you long ago,
I should have blabb’d nothing but you, I should have chanted nothing
but you.

I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you,
None has understood you, but I understand you,
None has done justice to you, you have not done justice to yourself,
None but has found you imperfect, I only find no imperfection in you,
None but would subordinate you, I only am he who will never consent
to subordinate you,
I only am he who places over you no master, owner, better, God,
beyond what waits intrinsically in yourself.

Painters have painted their swarming groups and the centre-figure of all,
From the head of the centre-figure spreading a nimbus of gold-color’d light,
But I paint myriads of heads, but paint no head without its nimbus
of gold-color’d light,
From my hand from the brain of every man and woman it streams,
effulgently flowing forever.

O I could sing such grandeurs and glories about you!
You have not known what you are, you have slumber’d upon yourself
all your life,
Your eyelids have been the same as closed most of the time,
What you have done returns already in mockeries,
(Your thrift, knowledge, prayers, if they do not return in
mockeries, what is their return?)

The mockeries are not you,
Underneath them and within them I see you lurk,
I pursue you where none else has pursued you,
Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the
accustom’d routine, if these conceal you from others or from
yourself, they do not conceal you from me,
The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these
balk others they do not balk me,
The pert apparel, the deform’d attitude, drunkenness, greed,
premature death, all these I part aside.

Insert happy clouds here, a mailbox for trees, and a moonbow from Iceland.


 

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10/28/11

Big Picture Ramblings

I must be back in a “seeing numbers in everything” loop because they have been popping out at me again lately. I normally see numbers, it doesn’t go away, but when they operate in this loop they become breathing and moving organisms in massive settings. I see them dance, play, fold, mesh, and flow out of things. There is an added intensity because of their color or how some numbers come at me in black-and-white. I really enjoy when the numbers play with me. They have been my close friends for a lifetime. Last night I went for a bike ride, and as I was saying: “hi” to all of the trees and bushes I noticed how their leaves or trunks would fold into numbers.

I could see bunches of numbers, double digits, or single digits.

I was in high-speed last night because I had a lot of energy and wanted to ride my bike like a maniac! :-) As I flitted across the road I was captured by pine cones and their numbers, a lizard that popped out as a striped 21, a black spider crawling he was an 8. Spiders always remind me of eight, I am sure it is as simple as their number of legs and pairs of eyes. I rode past the ponds and the ripples flowed into masses of numbers folding into smooth calm reflections. The sky made the water look pink in the silhouette of the trees in the background. They all blended in number and color. I also noticed that their vibrations were forming the numbers, the vibrations of the still tree trunks. The bouncing of the sounds from each number, color, and vibration I saw in the scenery surrounding me.

That is my “big picture” thinking.

I get captured in the details of these things and lose track of time and even the things going on around me. I think this is why I could spend hours outside by myself as a child and even as an adult. As a child I was outside from the time the sun came out until it was too black to see. As long as I was in eye-shot my mom was fine with it. I get intrigued by certain things and they can make me start thinking and seeing things with a certain intrigue to investigate this world. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to “play” basketball. We had a great time, but the sound and feel of the bounce and vibration of the ball does something to me. It wakes up some sort sensory chamber and gets me seeing with intensity. I think this may be a reason that I would practice dribbling so I could watch and listen to the world that it opened up for me.

I have found no other ball that does that for me. 

The sounds are not the same when you kick, or throw, or toss a ball. A kick ball has a nice ping sound, but not the same and it does not produce the dynamics of acoustic waves that a basketball does for me. This sound, sight, and feel of the tiny bumps on the ball give some sort of sensory stimulation in me. It helped the flow of numbers and colors that were already at play manifest in a greater way yesterday. For me all of the little details are the big picture, but others would say that I am caught up in the minute details. It reminded me of the poem I had written the other day Hidden Lyrics. I wrote this poem based on a vision (movie) playing in my mind. I was transported into the depths of a human heart. As I looked around it twisted into DNA strands, which to me manifest into lyrics.

I was captured by the strands of a mass of people.

The strands had music and lyrics that twisted and folded into helical formulas. The DNA strands each coded with every person’s own genetic formula, any missing spaces had silence, but then would wrap into lyric and song. There was certain code that had no words only a tune, but they all flowed together into what made the person. Their songs still playing and twisting out, but some lyrics were muted. They rose to the surface to create a person and the individual was born. I mixed the poem with my own personal emotions as well, but in all of those details I saw the “big picture”.

It makes me wonder what it truly means by big picture.

What do we lose when we do not reflect on the minute details to look at a mass as one instead of seeing the “one” as the mass? The other intriguing thing about this poem is the picture. I found the picture after I had written the poem and when I saw it I thought it was perfect. I so wish I could paint or draw what is in my mind fully. I went to the page about the artist and was captivated. This taken from her bio caught my attention. “Crick explores this idea through encaustic painting and print-making by mixing impulses from both sides of the brain: logical and random, methodical and intuitive, textual and visual.” I recommend reading her bio and checking out her art. I find it so interesting that several months ago I started my attempts at painting and drawing, but the images I felt would be perceived as childish or silly.

I never thought I could paint or draw the images that floated about in my mind, or I thought I would be laughed at.

The paintings that started to come out of me were swirlies, infinities, numbers, and strands of what look like infinities connecting to each other or through each other. These painting or doodles help me a great deal to process and they make me very calm. After searching for images for my poem blog, I became aware of how many other artists are out there painting these images. They are from all walks of life. They are extremely spiritual, scientific, or no beliefs at all, they are angry or full of joy, and they have beliefs that range from organized religion to New Age. I find it interesting and fascinating that we are all separated yet connected. It gets me thinking about what causes our divisions amongst our human clans. What is it that keeps us hiding our lyrics from one another or stopping to listen to another person’s song? I know why I do. I drown out their lyrics or tune because they confuse me, hurt me, anger me, or judge me.

I would like to know what it looks like to have harmony with our human songs playing and being heard together.

I am not going to bust out the Coke Coca Cola song, ok I am! Too bad I do not drink soda. :-)   Seriously, all of this has me pondering about the big picture because I am supposed to be focused on that and not the details according to the world. However, the world seems to be missing a lot of the big picture by not seeing, acknowledging, or even stopping a moment to see what the details actually have to tell us about their big picture. I guess that is my rambling for the day. I am off to have some fun with the kids and gather up all of their details. :-)


 

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09/4/11

Poems By The Kids

Ariel wanted to do dragon poems. I think we are in an obsessive state that is all she is drawing, playing with, talking about, and writing about. We’ll just go with it. Dragons rock!

Dragons

By Ariel

Dragons are cool.

Dragons need help,

With people giving them food and water to survive.

They need people petting them,

And riding them,

Because nice dragons like that.

Mean dragons—stay away from.

They need to learn how to be nice.

When you see them move backwards slowly,

Then they may start liking you.

 

Dragon

by Ariel

Nethew is his name.

He is red and black.

His eyes are blue.

In the summer and spring he stays outside

And the sun makes him shine on his back.

 

He has green points on the back of his arms and legs.

He has sharp teeth,

Because all dragons need sharp teeth to eat meat,

To make them strong.

 

He says hello a lot by saying “RAWR”

Because all dragons need to say “RAWR”

When he was little he said a tiny “rawr” like a baby,

But when he was grown-up

He said “RAWR” so everyone could hear him

When he was flying,

When no one could see him.

 

The color of his wings are yellow.

He has three claws on his wings,

Four legs.

He shoots out an earth ball.

He lives on Colden, my secret planet

With other dragons who are his friends.

 

When he turns mad,

His eyes turn glowing red,

He gets mad when other dragons tease him

Or other mean dragons hurt him.

Or when people try to fight him.

He plays a lot.

 

He likes to run and exercise,

To get strong

To defeat in battle and win in the dragon war.

 

He likes to fly a lot too

To see birds,

To play with them and meet them.

 

He eats meat, animals that die,

Or people who die in war,

Or if animals kill a person,

He eats the bones

Because he doesn’t want to kill.

He only hurts bad guys,

Because he doesn’t want to die.

He likes to hang out.

He is a very happy dragon.

He protects other dragons.

 

Star Wars Lego

by Joshua

Luke is my favorite,

Because he was a gun guy

And Luke was a Jedi.

Hans Solo, I like a little

And I like Luke the best.

Hans Solo has a gun,

But he is not a Jedi.

Obi-Wan just turned into a spirit,

I don’t know how he does that.

 

The Alien Walker

by Joshua

I really like it because of the guys.

And the green trap.

It can fly

It flies into space with the aliens.

They fly to their home,

Alien Glass Planet.

It’s really cool because,

It has three legs and three feet.

 

Darth Maul Lego Watch

by Daniel

It has a clock in it—SEE!

The face spins right and left.

Its white and red and black.

It has white in it.

Darth Maul Lego spins on my watch.

 

Cell Phone

by Daniel

Its gray and black

When I close it,

It makes a “roun” sound.

The battery is a rectangle one.

I like batteries,

They make electricity.

I like the numbers on it,

When I push them they go to the screen.

The screen looks like a TV,

But it’s just a phone.

 

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05/3/11

Because….

Because today I do not feel like laughing. I am reminded of how different I feel from others because the things that make me laugh do not always make others laugh. The things that make me cry do not seem to have the same effect on others as well. It is times like these that I want to shut myself up from all of the world and just stay in my safe controlled space. I feel alone even though I know others know what I am feeling and may feel the same way.

It is still isolating and painful sometimes.

Feeling disconnected from the world and people. But I know it will not last and the best way to help myself is to write something, so I wrote a poem about laughing. I am not wrong for laughing when I feel like it and I am not wrong for crying when I feel like it. Whatever my reasons, they are mine and that is ok. I am allowed to have these feelings. So I will remember also, that sometimes I laugh and cry at the same time and that is ok too. I refuse to allow myself to shut down and cut myself off, the way I so desperately want to.

 

Laughing

From one extreme to the next,
I find myself quite perplexed.
~
Crying, writhing for the hearts broken,
when suddenly laughter is burgeon.
~
What a quandary of non-sense I feel,
when out of darkness a smile appears.
~
Rolling, thunderous pounding from my gut,
uncontrollable–No! I can’t stop!
~
Senseless to some,
strange for another,
for me freedom,
it puts any fear far and asunder.
~
Quaking can no longer stand,
when the laughter is not band.
~
Open mouths free to cry,
bring in the laughter, give it a try.
~
Silly peoples, serious with pout,
causing us quirky’s to feel left out!
~
No need to worry,
no need to sigh,
out of our strange deeds,
should smiles abide.
~
Memories flooding, crashing my dreams,
laughter cascading among the scenes.
~
Once we few, left in the cold,
laughing alone, yet still rather bold.
~
I see a face, I question why,
funny eyebrows, they make me cry.


 


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04/3/11

Trying To Stop My Loop

I really need to take a break from the computer but I cannot seem to pull away. I didn’t realize how much emotion I would feel having so many social networks sharing so much about autism awareness. It gets me thinking about all kinds of things and it brings a lot of mixed emotions. I tried to have words to write but I have too many words that are crashing together and not flowing, along with no words at all. It’s frustrating. I felt that I wanted to get this out because my mind is going round and round and is fixated. Right now the only way I am really able to express myself is through writing about the pictures that are like Polaroids flashing in my mind. I also have my life playing like a movie over and over again and I am hoping that by writing this it will help me to stop fixating. :-) So this is what came out.

Autism to Me

The light that shines in my darkness.

The answers that healed my heart.

The frustrations of not understanding.

Discovering that my mom and I just misunderstood each other throughout my life.

The joy of being able to have freedom.

The day he finally spoke.

When I scream at the top of my lungs.

The time I danced and leaped because he used finger paint.

The time he flipped out in the store and all the people stared,

I carried him to the car and cried.

The time he flipped out at the checkout,

the cashier and people behind us glared, AND I no longer cared.

The smile that woke me up this morning.

My daily struggle with anxiety.

My very loud laughter when I am not supposed to laugh.

Me laughing with my kids when they are laughing….and they are not supposed to laugh.

Us going out in public in whatever we want to wear!

Me bringing specific foods for each of us so we can participate in society.

Painful feelings of isolation.

Exuberant feelings of relief.

Hours in the bath tub.

Being terrified of the phone.

Having sleepless nights.

Being afraid and not knowing why.

Needing comfort and not knowing how to get it.

Longing to be with people but not know what to say or when to say something.

Not wanting to be around people at all!

Being happy being alone at times.

Seeing things that other people never see.

Saying the things people want to say but never do.

Staring blankly but thinking many things.

A mind that never stops.

Having batteries, fans, typewriters, recorders, and cameras as toys.

Collecting many, many things.

Organizing things.

Dumping things.

Jumping, running, pounding, clanging, pouncing and spinning.

Not wanting a hug but needing one to find calm.

Crying because writing is too hard.

Screaming when shampoo is put on their hair.

Walking out in front of cars because he is so desperate to get away from something.

Listening to hours of talking about fans, Lego’s, animals, games and social situations.

Learning new teaching techniques and therapies, to finally find the ONE.

Realizing that there is no just ONE.

Discovering that people do not think the way I do.

Learning social scripts by writing social stories for my kids.

Anxiety, fear, joy, laughter, pain, goodness, something new almost every day.

My whole life.

Everyday, my past, my present and my future.


 

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