Tag Archives: neurotypical

02/2/12

“Empatheia” An Intense Passion Or…

State of emotional undergoing?

Before you venture into this post, I will warn you this is kind of a “mind dump” and in the “middle of processing” kind of read. I needed to get some of this out though because it was causing me to loop. They were not negative loops, but it is one of those times where my brain has been trying to make rapid connections.

That being said I hope I am making sense as I share some of this. :-)

I discovered some enthralling information. I am not sure if others have read any of this, but it is new to me and I am intrigued. (I will get to it in a moment.) The last few days I have been stirring around in my head some emotions that I am not sure what to do with. I am angry. I do not know how to be angry. I am also happy at the same time. This anger that I am trying to work through is stemmed from what I see as hateful, manipulative, deceptive, and coated in sugar which makes me even more upset. I can handle a person being a jerk — I cannot handle a jerk pretending like they are sweet and innocent. I especially, get upset when they are in positions of influence, or family members. I want to tell the people who are being tricked that this person is a “Phony!” Lol! I also want to save them from being deceived because when the deception is revealed it can be so devastating and damaging emotionally and physically.

However, I cannot tell them.

Many do not want to know and they will fight to the death to stand by the person they deem as wonderful and grand. It is hard to keep my mouth shut and watch it happen. If I thought my words would do any good I would speak up, and share what I know or what is in my heart, but so far my track record  has ended with me being the bad guy. Even after it is proven to be true…what can you do? There is more than one situation I am referring to at the moment, and I cannot talk about it without it coming out all wrong so I will not. I will share my findings about empathy though. I believe that this is a form of me expressing my empathy. I am not sure what to do with the emotions that I am feeling if I continue to hold them in I may explode.

I do not want this to happen so I am trying something new.

Instead of my usual path of verbal destruction that tends to lack “empathetic” words I am directing myself in a different route. I decided to focus on emotions and empathy. I found Project of Rhetoric of Inquiry Poroi I have linked to the archives. This is through The University of Iowa. What caught my eye was this Volume 4, Issue 1 (2005) Assorted Articles plus Two Poroi Symposia on Emotions. I started reading this one first Empathy, Psychology, and Aesthetics: Reflections on a Repair Concept David Depew© It starts off with the etymology of the word Empathy. I know that many of the words we use today have lost their true meanings or they have morphed into other translations.

I find that very sad indeed.

The loss of the richness of word meaning is a painful thought to me. I do enjoy discovering the truest form of translations though. There is so much packed into this article that I don’t even know where to start. I am reading through several different ones and they are bringing some clarity to me, but I am not sure my connections will make sense to others yet…processing. AND I will add that the articles seem to be thought provoking and need time to dissect and process — if you are into that sort of thing. :-)

In this particle article I will share some excerpts to maybe catch your interest.

Paragraph 1

“Empathy translates the late-nineteenth-century German coinage of Einfühlung.1 Like empathy after it, Einfühlung arose in a part of empirical psychology that is no longer much cultivated, namely the psychology of aesthetic response. This may seem odd. But the fact that the German empirical psychologists of the late nineteenth century, who virtually founded the field, would have accorded much importance to the empirical, psychological side of aesthetics is actually not strange at all.”

Paragraph 6

“The prefix em and its equivalent en mean in. For empatheia, this seems to mean being into one’s own pathic state of experience, of undergoing. This is passion in the original, and New Testament, sense. More weakly, it is the l960s counter-cultural sense of “being into” something. In any case, it does not mean entering into the emotions of others, or more generally putting oneself in the position of another, as the current concept does. Accordingly the stipulative identification of Einfühlung with empatheia by Lipps might suggest that he did not know Greek well. But his Greek was, in this instance at least, fine. For he meant just what the late Greek term meant – an especially intense state of feeling – with the added inference that we experience feeling states this intense as belonging to an external object that occasions them.”

Paragraph 7

“What about the English term empathy? It came into the language through the influence of German empirical psychology in Great Britain and the United States. (All early American psychologists, including William James, were educated in Germany.) Thus E. B. Tichener, a German-trained psychologist writing in English, defined empathy as “the process of humanizing objects, of feeling ourselves or reading ourselves into them.” He remarked, “I see gravity, modesty, courtesy, stateliness [in someone], but also feel them. I suppose that’s a simple case of empathy, if we may coin the term as a rendering of Einfühlung.”7 That was in l909.”

~David Depew

I found this entire article interesting, later in the article he shares about empathy and sympathy.

As I read through this, I wondered how many unrealistic expectations are put on people — especially autistics to achieve an amount of romanticized definitions of sympathy, empathy, and love. I find it interesting as well that many times I can humanize objects much more than I can people. This is not because I lack empathy for people I still feel what they are feeling, but I do not know how to express it. I am unsure as to how to help them feel better, or help the situation. The emotions can be so overwhelming for me that I have to shutdown. There is the consideration that I do not understand many of my own emotions at times, to feel someone else in distress, pain, or anger can be confusing. Are they my emotions and if so where did they come from? Are they the other person’s emotions? If so why am I feeling them so strongly? Once I discern what and who I am feeling I then have to process why I am feeling it.

After all of that, I am then pulling up any information that relates to the situation.

I am looking for the best way to help the person or situation. If I have not experienced anything like it I may shutdown. If I have experienced something like it or if it is similar I will do what I feel. However, if the similar situation was traumatizing that could send me into overload emotionally. I will relive my experience and theirs at the same time. How does one even process that? It is intense and overwhelming. In several cases however, for me to go through this has been incredibly healing because it forced me to feel and deal with emotions I did not understand, or tried to ignore out of confusion.

Many times it seems like I relate more to my computer than a lot of people.

A book can make me feel more loved through its words than those in my life. It is my projection. I am projecting empathy to myself through objects because they do not confuse me. Even though I “feel into” people the responses I have received from them has caused me to retract and hide my empathy. The other factor that can get mixed into the stress is my social confusion of the situation. If it doesn’t make sense to me it can make it difficult to figure out how to show empathy.

My overwhelming emotions toward what others are feeling cause me to shut down.

It feels safer to express love or empathy to my iPad than a person — my iPad will not reject me, or misread how I am expressing myself. I can give tons of affection to my cat and feel empathy towards him because he does not demand anything in return. Demand is the key word here — it feels like I am demanded to express myself in specific ways that is accepted by a societal code.  This code that isn’t really clear to me. My cat does not expect me to express my love or compassion toward him in a specific way… at all times. :-)

I am naturally, intensely empathetic.

Many people do not know it though because I shut down. Has anyone ever asked me what empathy is to me? Has anyone ever asked an autistic child or adult what it means to them? I am referring to the masses. (I know there are those out there who have.)  I am sure they have, but why are there so many studies on how we “lack” or do not lack empathy when the real question is why are so many people expecting the exact same response for such a broad word. It’s a word that clearly has multiple meanings and definitions these days — along with having the similar influence of projection such as the word love. I can love intensely, but many people would not understand my great affections toward things, or people. I care deeply, but many people do not understand how I show how much I care. My heart hurts for people emphatically when I feel like they are hurting, but my expression may only come out through a poem.

Empathy can feel lacking when it is not reciprocated in the same way.

I show empathy by staying quiet sometimes, others interpret that as me not caring. I think the empathetic thing we can do is remember that others need to feel comforted, or heard in different ways. We also need to remember that we all show empathy in different ways. I think it is unrealistic to expect people to show empathy the way you show empathy. I have learned this the hard way. I have felt many times people were being cruel to me when they were actually trying to show me empathy and vice versa. Possibly remembering that our own projections can influence how we express empathy could bring better understanding. It could help all of us to step back and ask the question: “Is this how I would like to be shown empathy or is this how they need empathy expressed to them?”

Still I believe there has to be compromise from both parties.

One should not be expected to know how to do this without proper communication by each person. I am afraid I will not remember all of this. I will fail I know I will, but I can remember to ask people how they would like to be comforted. Sometimes I just know, but it really depends on the person and how open they are. The problem that I have encountered in the past has been people getting offended at me when I asked what they needed.

They were upset at me because I did not automatically know.

They got upset with me because I did know what to do when they were sad, angry, depressed, annoyed, or even expressing love as well as the many other emotions that fill humanity. I think it is very cruel to be upset with me for not knowing how to help, or comfort a person.  How am I supposed to know what they need if they do not tell me? Although I can do the same thing at times, because I think other people would feel the same way as I do in a similar situation. The issue here is that those expecting me to know how they feel have the knowledge that people think differently. They supposedly have the constant comprehension of theory of mind…but I do not. I have to work very hard to remind myself that others are not thinking what I am thinking. It seems to me that shows a lot of empathy. Maybe? I am going to be chewing on this stuff for a while. Processing… :-)

Here are the other articles that I found interesting.

Emotions as Reasons in Public Arguments John S. Nelson ©

The Oxymoron of Empathic Criticism Readerly Empathy, Critical Explication, and the Translator’s Creative Understanding Russell Scott Valentino ©

Empathy and Analogy ©   Allison Barnes and Paul Thagard (I have not read all of this yet.)


 

 

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11/26/11

Some More Great Videos

Yes! It’s the brain I am interested in. You will know what I am talking about if you watch this video. “Ask Dr. Tony” October 2011 – Sensory Issues, Special vs Intimate Friends and “Intellectual Orgasms” People misinterpreting my intentions with me being intellectually stimulated by them has caused me some great problems in the past. There is a lot there for me to process. I love a good brain that I can ask a billion questions of and have a “Intellectual Orgasms” as Dr. Tony Attwood states in the video. A lot of the time my interest in men has been interpreted as having different motives by them, their girlfriends, or my significant others, and in many cases I have been sickened and confused by discovering that someone thought I had other intentions. My intensity in wanting to hear what people have to say about my special interests or other intriguing things makes me seem a bit too “friendly”. I have had girls misinterpret me as well thinking that I was interested in them in a more intimate way.

Those things usually do not cross my mind in conversation. 

I admit I do tend to have asexual qualities about me in the broadest sense. Shh! Taboo! I can define it like this, I am definitely more interested in someones mind and what ideas they have to share than physical attraction. I have been attracted to people, but it is not the same as what “normal” people feel. I do tend to be attracted to parts of people and the largest part is their mind. It is rare that I find the whole person as a complete attraction for their mind and physical, friend or otherwise. I do have to have a certain physical attraction, not in the sexual sense toward friends.

They have got to have certain features that I find appealing.

It does not have to be everything about them, if I enjoy their mind and certain features it works well. Though I will add that the features do not have to be attractive in the “world” sense it is what I find attractive. I had one friend that I thought was fabulous because their hair was all curly and wild. It was ok because they never tried to pretend that they were perfect. Their personality and mind fit their hair so it became an attraction and made me smile. Other friends or boyfriends I would be attracted to the color of their eyes, hair, or possessions they had, like books or music. Things that intrigue me are attractive to me.

I am accepting this about myself.

It is hard to admit and very hard for people to understand when I try to explain it. They seem to always have hurt feelings. It is quite helpful to watch videos like this so that I won’t feel guilt or shame for loving a mind more than a body. I feel quite exposed here, but I think it is something that should be talked about. I have been researching and watching documentaries about love, marriage, sex in the United States, and really digging into the stigmas and ideologies that are wrapped into these things. My findings have led me to the history of marriage and the development to what the current ideology in most of the Western cultural mindset. I have been looking into this for months and find it very interesting.There were times in my life that I never wanted to get married and I was told that wasn’t right. I was also condemned for living with my boyfriends. The pressure to marry was intense. I found (find) it confusing and a double-edged sword.

I have no answers about relationships or marriage.

I am not going to get into discussions about marriage or relationships because the bottom line is every relationship is different and you never know what is going on in people’s lives. Plus I have no clue! I cannot and will not make a judgement against people and their relationships, it has been done against me too many times to count. And there is a whole other gamut when it comes to being on the Autism spectrum and being in relationships. There are no simple answers and there are many other factors to consider. Enough of my rant for the day here are some videos I watched. Some may not be PG, just sayin’. :-)

OMG! Yes, I am so happy for this first video! Thank you, Dr. Tony!

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Feelings

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Relationships

“Ask Dr. Tony” July 2011 – AS and Sexuality

Inside Out: My Life With Asperger Syndrome  (I could relate to such of this video)

I found this documentary very interesting as well dealing with sex in America.

Let’s Talk About Sex

I found this one to be very eye opening in a lot of areas.

51 Birch Street

The website 51 Birch Street

I need to watch this whole documentary again, it had a lot of information to process.

The Mystery of Love on PBS

PBS site

Very interesting article.

Keeping Marriage Alive with Affairs, Asexuality, Polyamory, and Living Apart


 

 

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11/21/11

Wow! Great Article

I just read Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 1 By and Empaths on the Autism Spectrum, Part 2 By they are so good I had to share. It made me want to see where I scored on the AQ test again to see if there were any changes. I can’t find my last score, but I believe it was somewhere in the 40′s. This time I got a 42. Part One gave such great insight and comfort to me. I was feeling a bit lonely in my thoughts, but this helped bring some clarity even about some things I wrote about in my last post. I may be hypersensitive during the holidays because of my own past negative associations, but also because I am feeling other people’s emotions as well. Not to mention the increase in sensory input during the holidays.

This quote stood to me:

“In short, my friends on the Spectrum were overwhelmingly, intensely, unremittingly, outrageously empathic — not merely in relation to emotions and social cues, but to every possible aspect of their environment.”

Part Two I am digesting, there is a lot there to think about.

Both of these articles are a mix of many things that I am currently trying to understand about myself and acceptance of myself. I have come to more of an understanding of how empathetic I am and the kids are by realizing I had been comparing empathy to what is defined in a neurptypical mindset. After realizing this several months ago, I have been able to recognize how much my kids are expressing empathy and “feeling” or imitating another person’s emotions. I have also noticed that they are exceptionally sensitive their to environment. Actually, I have not just noticed I knew this before, but doubted myself and questioned what I was feeling because of what others had said.

This has explained a lot about their behavior and why they are so exhausted or emotional after we have gone to certain places.

They have the same sensory and social dynamics as I do. All of these years I have been feeling guilt about not putting them out there more thinking that I haven’t done enough. I do know they need to be out there socializing and experiencing new things, but I am sitting here thinking I am glad I listened to my gut instincts about certain places and people. Maybe I am not that off about what I feel about people or environments. The article gave me some confidence about some of my perceptions and feelings about what people have said or done in the past or even now.

I am weaving together several different things right now that all link to communication.

The article helped confirm some of what I had been working through, one of my biggest issues is being so confused by people’s actions and words. When their actions do not match with what they say or I know that they are not telling me the truth about what they really want to say or are feeling. It is a huge chunk of social confusion for me because I am unsure if what I am feeling is true or not. By the conflicting feelings that I am having with their actions/words  I start to think that I am making things up.

I want to yell at them: “Just tell me!” (I always say that, I know.)

BUT I can handle it whatever it is just say: “it”. Of course the whole issue could be that they cannot handle “it” whatever it is. Maybe that is what is going on with the world, everyone is too afraid to say what is really going on in their minds. Who knows! I’ve probably said that before, I think I may be in a November loop of mine and not realize it. I do know that this is a great article and recommend reading it. :-) There is too much I need to process and go over my drafts I have been writing to make sense of it all.

On a completely different note, but not really in my mind some pictures of paintings.

You can see the emotions coming through the kids and me in these. Happy, smiling eights, up in space, swirling around being giggly with each other. I wish Daniel had painted some more I love seeing what he is thinking, but he did not feel like it. The paintings that Ariel and Joshia did on the big paper were made specifically for me the other night because: “Mommy was feeling a little sad.” Daniel laid his head on my shoulders and wrapped his arm in mine for a little while. That was new and huge.

Empathy.

I am not sure if I felt sad for myself truly or if I was feeling someone else’s emotions. I do have several people in my life dealing with things that could be influencing me. I do have my own feelings that I am dealing with as well so it could be a mix. When I feel this way I do things to help me feel better. I started attempting to paint several months ago, I have always cooked or baked, and taken pictures when I feel sad or happy. I cooked all week, but I thought the stew and breads looked pretty so I put the pictures up. :-)

The pictures are not new thing, I have always driven my mom batty taking pictures of strange things. (Well strange to her.)

I took pictures of what I found in her backyard. I got obsessed with a spider in her shrubs, I begged her not to kill it, but I am sure she will. :-( She can justify killing it because she thinks it’s ugly, and she doesn’t have to touch it just spray and let it die. Maybe I will go back and save it before she can. I got fixated on rust, thorns, and other things I found back there. I have also been fixated on x, y, and z for the past two weeks. It started with x, but every time I drew or painted or typed about x the other two would not leave me alone. Then, when I started painting them the wavy equal sign would not stop swimming passed me so I made it too and have been thinking of them for days. I am not sure what that has to do with anything, I am off rambling again I am sure the article, paintings, and letters all connect in my mind somehow and I will figure it out later. :-)


 

 

 

 

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11/10/11

Dismantling My NT Self

When I started this blog I knew that I was going to be working through a lot. I knew that I wanted to deal with my confusing feelings, and try to discover answers about many things with myself and with Daniel. I knew that I was seeking out understanding and reaching out virtually because…because the people in my “real” world life always seemed off. In reality I felt like I was the one who was off.  I always felt alone in the midst of people. I felt odd and uncomfortable even with those who were closet to me. I have memories of sitting in the middle of family events or school settings, looking around and feeling as if I wasn’t really there.

I felt like I did not belong, or that I was invisible.

I recall that when I was seen that it was because of something that I did wrong, or for my silliness. I started using my silliness as a shield. In grade school I came up with alter egos to help me. If I pretended to be someone else and act silly I made people laugh. I was in control of how they saw me or their laughter. I could hide, even though parts of my alter ego’s were actually me. One of them was Barbara Ann, the girl from the Beach Boys song.

I would start off singing “Ba ba ba” and lead into my name as Barbara Ann.

Everyone would laugh at my goofiness, which then led into me being able to say any crazy, off the wall thing I wanted too. Another one that I took on was Aphrodite, I think I was about 10 or so when I grabbed hold of her. I was reading Greek and Roman mythology regularly by then. I stopped reading about them when I became a Christian because I thought it may be wrong. I started rereading a lot of them months ago. Aphrodite was a more serious and wise character, I could talk about my serious thoughts as long as I was being her.

The strange thing is that people were more accepting of that than me being Angel.

It was ok as long as I was pretending to be a character, but if I started asking questions or acting too goofy as Angel, then people would laugh at me, mock me, ask me things like: “What is wrong with you?” As I grew older my characters manifested into my true name. At work if I was serious on that day I wanted people to call me Angelique, if I was feeling goofy and happy I was Angel. The more time that passed I kind of dropped that, but some days I would still do it. I took the persona’s of “Dark” Angel and “Good” Angel. After becoming a Christian, I became Good Angel. I tried very hard to live up to the standard that I placed on myself, if I had a bad day I blamed it on Dark Angel. There was my “Barbie” Angel alter ego’s as well. I could be anything as Barbie Angel, my family even encouraged me, and picked out my titles for the day. I would pose as whatever Barbie I was being.

I knew full well that these were not real, they helped me cope and protect myself.

I was able to act Neurotypical in many ways by taking on these characters. I learned how to be a certain personality by observing. There would times, places, and people that I was fine just being me. Normally it was in my home, I usually dominated my friendships into being at my house most of the time. I did feel safe in other environments with certain friend’s in their homes or apartments, but very few. I was more comfortable and free in my environment, surrounded by all my comforts. I didn’t do it on purpose, I see now that I was trying to control my behavior and sensory/emotional environment.

As a young adult, my apartment was the “hang out” place.

I was the only one with my own place amongst my friends. Many times, before I turned 21 we would hang out at my place watching games of all kinds, watching movies, having parties, and doing whatever. I would get overwhelmed, but at the same time I felt much better having everyone there. I was in control of who came over, if I didn’t like someone they could not come. I felt in control. If plans would change and people decided to go somewhere else or do something else, I would panic.

I got so good at hiding my panic attacks.

I am still able to have a full-blown panic attack on the inside and stare at someone as if nothing is wrong. If this happened at work I would take off. I usually left for lunch anyway because I did not want people to see me eat, or see me not eat. Many times I would go to a music store or a bookstore when I had a car. Sometimes I would find places, like parks, lakes, open fields to go to and sit and read or write. Other times I would hide myself away in the break room with my books on my special interest at the moment.  I learned how to control my panic attacks until I got home…most days.

Sometimes they would manifest anyway.

They usually came out in odd behavior toward a co-worker. I can think of several different workplaces when I went off on the most ridiculous things. They were not ridiculous in the moment to me, at that moment it was either the most horrific or vile act I had ever encountered. Later, after I got home or was able to calm myself I would feel so foolish and idiotic for my outburst. The majority of the time I had no idea why I responded in the way that I did. I know now it was caused by sensory issues, emotional stress, lack of sleep, starving myself, and/or being overwhelmed by other people’s emotions or responses.

I still will have outbursts.

The difference now when I yell something like: “OMG! The pantry is killing me!” I can see right away what has caused me to feel so extreme. In my defense though, the pantry does kill me when it is not organized, doesn’t everyone feel that way? The pantry should really keep itself organized for all of humanity. :-) The last several months have been very eye-opening to me. I had no idea how disconnected I was to myself. I had no idea how many things that I had lost about me. I joked the other day that I had always felt like my brain was hiding something from me. I had this feeling that it was trying to keep me from ever knowing the real me.

I have to say I had a moment of being freaked out by the truths in my own conspiracy theory.

I tried to keep myself from myself! Ahh! The brain causes me to be uneasy anyway, I won’t go into details, but it does control everything you know. :-)  This whole process has been very good for me, I have reclaimed a lot of myself, part of that had to deal with my acceptance of being an Aspie. The more that my autistic ways come out the more I see how I do understand Daniel. I also see how many of the things that he does to push me to my limits are actually things that I do.

I have only had this realization in the last few days.

Many things that I do to stim I did not connect to Daniel doing as well, did he learn it from me, or is it natural? I do not know. It has been good to have my eyes opened though because it is giving me more answers to who I am, and more understanding to who Daniel is. I have many commonalities with Ariel as well, she does not like it when the similarities between her and Daniel are pointed out. I try not to bring them up, and let her discover for herself. If she wants to acknowledge it she will if not it doesn’t matter, her reasons behind them may be completely different. We are all unique so comparing commonalities are truly only good for seeking empathy and understanding for others.

It may be possible that in the beginning with Daniel I lacked certain empathy because I had lost so much of myself.

I lost the way that I think, the things that I love, the talents that I have, the ability to be connected to myself, and I became a shell of a Neurotypical. I do not mean that negative toward NT’s in any way, the negative is that I was trying to be someone who I am not. I also didn’t do a very good job at it, I may have looked like it, but alone I suffered. I was a version of someone who I did not know, and I did not know how to keep her, it has reminded me of Jackie Draper (Paper) from Puff the Magic Dragon movie for some reason. I am very good at acting like different characters, I am good at mirroring emotional/social behaviors. I do not seem to mirror when it comes to the intellectual mind. If someone talks to me about my special interest I do not mirror anything or anyone. My special interest or my “help trump card” will drown out any mirror neurons, and in those moments people have seen glimpses of the real me.

I have had very few people that I was able to feel safe enough to allow them to see me.

Usually I felt a connection right away and felt trust. I have had that online with several people and I feel safe to be honest and be myself. Still we have not met in person, but I have a feeling that if we did we would only have a few moments of Aspie awkwardness and, then we would sit side-by-side and talk away, no eye contact required. :-) My Aspie ways are coming more naturally and slowly I am letting go of my fears. I do believe that one of my greatest fears did come true, I woke up one day and didn’t know who I was or how to find me. I have had that fear for a long time, possibly because it was the reality I was running from. I’ve dismantled my NT shell and I am slowly putting myself back together, all my Aspie ways, Angel ways, human being ways, and whatever ways there are. All of me.

I am finding peace within my mind, I think it’s because I busted it messing with me! HA!

For the record, I am keeping my dragon around, I still have a lot more work to do before I grow up! (Puff The Magic Dragon reference)


 

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10/28/11

Big Picture Ramblings

I must be back in a “seeing numbers in everything” loop because they have been popping out at me again lately. I normally see numbers, it doesn’t go away, but when they operate in this loop they become breathing and moving organisms in massive settings. I see them dance, play, fold, mesh, and flow out of things. There is an added intensity because of their color or how some numbers come at me in black-and-white. I really enjoy when the numbers play with me. They have been my close friends for a lifetime. Last night I went for a bike ride, and as I was saying: “hi” to all of the trees and bushes I noticed how their leaves or trunks would fold into numbers.

I could see bunches of numbers, double digits, or single digits.

I was in high-speed last night because I had a lot of energy and wanted to ride my bike like a maniac! :-) As I flitted across the road I was captured by pine cones and their numbers, a lizard that popped out as a striped 21, a black spider crawling he was an 8. Spiders always remind me of eight, I am sure it is as simple as their number of legs and pairs of eyes. I rode past the ponds and the ripples flowed into masses of numbers folding into smooth calm reflections. The sky made the water look pink in the silhouette of the trees in the background. They all blended in number and color. I also noticed that their vibrations were forming the numbers, the vibrations of the still tree trunks. The bouncing of the sounds from each number, color, and vibration I saw in the scenery surrounding me.

That is my “big picture” thinking.

I get captured in the details of these things and lose track of time and even the things going on around me. I think this is why I could spend hours outside by myself as a child and even as an adult. As a child I was outside from the time the sun came out until it was too black to see. As long as I was in eye-shot my mom was fine with it. I get intrigued by certain things and they can make me start thinking and seeing things with a certain intrigue to investigate this world. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids to “play” basketball. We had a great time, but the sound and feel of the bounce and vibration of the ball does something to me. It wakes up some sort sensory chamber and gets me seeing with intensity. I think this may be a reason that I would practice dribbling so I could watch and listen to the world that it opened up for me.

I have found no other ball that does that for me. 

The sounds are not the same when you kick, or throw, or toss a ball. A kick ball has a nice ping sound, but not the same and it does not produce the dynamics of acoustic waves that a basketball does for me. This sound, sight, and feel of the tiny bumps on the ball give some sort of sensory stimulation in me. It helped the flow of numbers and colors that were already at play manifest in a greater way yesterday. For me all of the little details are the big picture, but others would say that I am caught up in the minute details. It reminded me of the poem I had written the other day Hidden Lyrics. I wrote this poem based on a vision (movie) playing in my mind. I was transported into the depths of a human heart. As I looked around it twisted into DNA strands, which to me manifest into lyrics.

I was captured by the strands of a mass of people.

The strands had music and lyrics that twisted and folded into helical formulas. The DNA strands each coded with every person’s own genetic formula, any missing spaces had silence, but then would wrap into lyric and song. There was certain code that had no words only a tune, but they all flowed together into what made the person. Their songs still playing and twisting out, but some lyrics were muted. They rose to the surface to create a person and the individual was born. I mixed the poem with my own personal emotions as well, but in all of those details I saw the “big picture”.

It makes me wonder what it truly means by big picture.

What do we lose when we do not reflect on the minute details to look at a mass as one instead of seeing the “one” as the mass? The other intriguing thing about this poem is the picture. I found the picture after I had written the poem and when I saw it I thought it was perfect. I so wish I could paint or draw what is in my mind fully. I went to the page about the artist and was captivated. This taken from her bio caught my attention. “Crick explores this idea through encaustic painting and print-making by mixing impulses from both sides of the brain: logical and random, methodical and intuitive, textual and visual.” I recommend reading her bio and checking out her art. I find it so interesting that several months ago I started my attempts at painting and drawing, but the images I felt would be perceived as childish or silly.

I never thought I could paint or draw the images that floated about in my mind, or I thought I would be laughed at.

The paintings that started to come out of me were swirlies, infinities, numbers, and strands of what look like infinities connecting to each other or through each other. These painting or doodles help me a great deal to process and they make me very calm. After searching for images for my poem blog, I became aware of how many other artists are out there painting these images. They are from all walks of life. They are extremely spiritual, scientific, or no beliefs at all, they are angry or full of joy, and they have beliefs that range from organized religion to New Age. I find it interesting and fascinating that we are all separated yet connected. It gets me thinking about what causes our divisions amongst our human clans. What is it that keeps us hiding our lyrics from one another or stopping to listen to another person’s song? I know why I do. I drown out their lyrics or tune because they confuse me, hurt me, anger me, or judge me.

I would like to know what it looks like to have harmony with our human songs playing and being heard together.

I am not going to bust out the Coke Coca Cola song, ok I am! Too bad I do not drink soda. :-)   Seriously, all of this has me pondering about the big picture because I am supposed to be focused on that and not the details according to the world. However, the world seems to be missing a lot of the big picture by not seeing, acknowledging, or even stopping a moment to see what the details actually have to tell us about their big picture. I guess that is my rambling for the day. I am off to have some fun with the kids and gather up all of their details. :-)


 

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10/2/11

Removing Emotional Connections

I have been thinking off and on for days about my sensory and feeling connections to “things/talents/emotions/people” (copied from Lisa). I have been trying to figure out how to sever ties that bind into the deep connections in my brain. I have found no answers. After reading a couple posts yesterday from Lisa and Bruce, it brought even more thoughts to my mind. Lisa shares about the negative emotional connections that she has with one of her talents, though it is not limited to just one that she feels this with and Bruce shared about how possibly “passing” for “being normal” can cause burnout for an Aspie. In a way I see these as linked. I know firsthand that my emotional connections can be overwhelmingly good or negative and my constant trying to “pass” as everyone else has caused me to be exhausted and unable to function at times.

I will start with the emotional connections.

For me music is a big deal. It lives in me and if I have a memory, person, event, smell, whatever connected to it I will relive all of it, good or bad. I have been trying for weeks now to gain music back for me. I no longer want it stolen into the painful heart pings that I have been feeling. Even the good ones are starting to hurt and I do not know how to get it to stop. I will add here though that with it turning to fall, this could be a major reason  because I always get kind of down as it turns to fall. I am at peace, but I feel down and a bit melancholy. It is a strange affair. Comfort and sadness. Anyway I have been trying to make the songs my own. My feelings not what I have associated with the songs. For some reason though, if something bad happens it takes over all the good and I cannot remember the good anymore.

I then have to cut off music for a while.

I do the same thing with movies and many other things that I enjoy. An example of this was a movie that David had asked me to watch over the years, I refused. I would not even look at it. I couldn’t because it was linked to a very painful time in my life. I did end up watching it not too long ago and it was a great movie, but then something happened where I made a negative connection and now it hurts to even think about it. I have done this with writing and dancing as well in the past. I completely stopped stories and poems for a while because it hurt too much. I only wrote prayers or my thoughts, but I admit I could not stop the poems or stories sometimes. I hid them away for no one to see because I was afraid to share them with others. I had negative associations with people’s reactions and I could not. For me to write a blog, share my poems and stories is a very big deal.

At times I get so scared, but I feel that I must do it.

I have taken back those talents and I have taken back dancing more so over the years. I still have some negative associations with it at times, it is linked to music so that could be the issue. However, I have been having dances and memory of past dances fill my mind and I can dance them with joy. I am trying to get rid of some of these darker emotions that I normally leave trapped inside of me. I have been writing them out trying to get them away from me. I do have some darker stories, but I always see hope in them. My hope is to gain my hope back into the things that I love. I want to be able to see the connections, events, and situations that have caused me such pain to ruin a beautiful song, a movie, or other things that I enjoy, so I can possibly understand and let it go.

I want them to be free from those emotional connections.

I do not know if I can. I am a very intense person. I have full body, emotional, spiritual, and sensory experiences. When I love something or someone I give it all, I think that it is so intense because I am very limited in my ability to connect to emotional love. When I do I can hardly contain it, it is very difficult. The same goes for when I am hurt or angry. It does take a lot to make me angry, but I do get angry and when I do it is not pretty. When it comes to hurt though that seems to be a regular that I know. I do not know how to handle it other than try to escape from it. Escaping is trying to shut down my emotions in some way. I finally realized some of the ways that I have done this.

One way has been reality shows.

I will be honest I cannot stand reality shows. I do not like watching them, they annoy and confuse me. BUT they are perfect to get sucked into and not think. My problem is that I do. I do think about why they are acting like that on TV.  Why would they go on a show to get a husband/wife?  Why would they go into a house with a bunch of people just to live and act crazy? Why do they put themselves out there for the world to see? When I was under a lot of stress several years ago I started watching different types of reality shows. They were horrible and I didn’t like them, but they helped me to become numb. I was picky about which ones I would watch, it was mostly those that were geared toward people’s daily lives not competition shows, unless it was cooking.

I still watch So You Think You Can Dance.

I do not vote or watch anything except the dances though. I also get sucked into watching shows like Psyche and Monk because I like their quirky ways and it doesn’t require much deep thought. Though I still find myself finding something to research or investigate while watching them. One of my favorites to have a marathon showing is Alfred Hitchcock Presents. I think I have seen every episode about 20 times. (possible exaggeration)

I got so fed up with myself with the reality shows that I told David to get rid of cable.

I couldn’t stand what I was doing to my brain. And the knowledge that I was doing it on purpose was sickening to me. I have been wanting to do it again, find shows or music that is numbing so I do not have to feel. I can’t this time though. I need to try to work through this and I really wish I knew how. How do we gain more positive emotional connections than negative when the negative seemed to have consumed so many of the good ones? I am hoping to discover that answer. I have other things that I do, Lisa called them “rituals” to help me. I have certain things that I do to try to help me cope and like she said when I do them and I am misunderstood, I tend to shut down or stop. Which causes me to loop and get stuck. One of the things I have done my whole life is to write it.

Whether it was true or not, I wrote it out.

What I mean by true or not is that it was a real emotion or feeling that I felt, but it may not have been the actual feelings of a person or the situation. This causes a problem as well. I connect emotions or feelings perceived by me of others to “things/talents/emotions/people”. This could be completely wrong. There are times when it is an actual event or situation, but then there are other times I can only go by what I think. And a lot of the time what I think has been skewed by my inaccurate perception of how people feel about me. So how do I disconnect false emotional ties to “things/talents/emotions/people”? I don’t know.

This is also where I see the connection of “passing burnout” that Bruce spoke about in his post.

I have been so exhausted trying to study people, their behaviors, the social dynamics that I still do not understand after reading about or I forget. It has become so much easier just to mirror and hide behind another person. I thought it was anyway. Actually, it has been severely damaging to me. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was just my way of surviving many situations that I had no idea how to deal with. I have lost so much of myself that I am gaining back now and that is good.

I do take responsibility for it.

I was tired from the physical, social, spiritual, emotional dynamics of work, church, family, and friends. Plus I have done it multiple times throughout my life as a means to survive social situations, even though I didn’t realize it. (As I think about it, I am not sure that there is truly any responsibility to be owned.) I spent a lot of time passing off as one of them and it made me physically ill. I was emotionally drained and when the babies came it was a relief to have such a distraction from the world. They were a wonderful distraction. Really I enjoy them as my distraction. :-) They helped me a lot and it has been quite easy to make them the forefront of social situations and hide behind things.

I don’t have the energy or strength to mirror people anymore.

I cannot “act” while in public and try to handle/understand autism/myself at the same time. It is too much and too exhausting. Now I am trying to have self acceptance and freedom to be myself with all of my oddities, but anything I perceive as negative is associated to music, books, people, buildings, on and on and I get stuck. That means that when I do act like myself and any autism traits come out that are misunderstood or misinterpreted they get connected to whatever I am reading, listening to, watching, wearing, person I am talking to, etc…And I want to shut down.

I see why I am fearful of moving back to my hometown.

I do not even know what will be triggered if I go there. That is why I am working through this now. I must find a way to work through these emotions in a positive way. I want to enjoy the things that I love without them being stolen because of past experiences. I also want to accept myself fully and not let that be stolen either. I cannot “pass” it has not worked and I will no longer be able to do it. I like me and I want more of me around. I am rather fun at least I think so. :-)   I guess this is my next big challenge. Hopefully people will answer on Lisa’s blog and I can gain some good ideas. In the mean time I will be reading and looking some stuff up.

I get really puzzled by Theory of Mind, that is part of the problem as well.

I continually forget that others do not think what I am thinking or that they do not know what I am thinking. They read me wrong because it comes from a Neurotypical point of view or at least from their own perceptions, morals, ideals, desires, motives etc… It may have nothing to do with being an NT. I am normally thinking of the other persons needs or wants over mine so it is foreign to me to think that they do not do the same thing. I have mentioned that before, but I think that may have something to do with the deep emotional connections that I have. The confusion of another person not thinking of me or how they are making me feel is very confusing and hurtful to me. Situations, people, events, or how people responded to my talents would definitely link deeply to me if I felt that they didn’t care as much as I did or they treated them with disregard. Or being verbally abused while operating in a talent/situation or belittled in some way would do it. I do hope my ramblings make sense here.

I am just processing, I’ll see what comes out of this. I have nothing, but hope. :-)


 

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04/1/11

Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue

Autism Understanding and Acceptance

We are boys, we are girls, we are men and we are women. We are diagnosed, un-diagnosed and self-diagnosed. We are friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, employers, and employees. We are artists, genius, mechanics, cashiers, living in institutions, boarding schools, college and at home. We are being abused, bullied and outcast. We are being accepted and lifted up.

We are everywhere.

Some of us can speak and it feels like we won’t stop, some of us can speak but cannot get our words out, some of us cannot speak through the means that is comfortable for others, some of us speak through a song, dance, cry or scream. We are looking at you right now. We cannot be put in a box and we cannot give complete clarity to all of our differences. We find some comfort in our similarities. We have been here and will be here, more of us will get diagnosed and hopefully get the help we need to give us the best quality of life possible. Bringing awareness does not mean to just think about it for this day or month.

Bringing awareness could be a paradigm shift in the thinking of others.

Awareness according to Wikipedia:

“Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense-data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human’s or an animal’s perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.”

Awareness defined in the dictionary is:

Awareness
noun
“Awareness of, knowledge of, understanding of, appreciation of, recognition of, attention to, perception of, consciousness of, acquaintance with, enlightenment with, sensibility to, realization of, familiarity with, mindfulness of, cognizance of, sentience of The 1980s brought an awareness of green issues.”

As we go into this month of designated autism awareness, I think about what I would like people to have knowledge of, an ability to perceive, to feel, to be conscious of, when it comes to autism. Actually there is a lot I would like for people to be aware of but I guess if I am going to stay focused my main points would be for people to be aware of the fact that we are not all the same. Every person has their own unique qualities and hindrances. Though we may have many similarities, there are many differences as well. We each have our own personality and likes. Some may have the similar obsessions with fans or trains but some change their obsessions and often. Social situations can affect us all differently, we may be very social and then have anxiety later. We may be too anxious to go or do anything. We may not even think about it because the social situation involves our special interest.

Our sensory issues manifest in different ways.

Some of us are seekers, some of us are avoiders, some of us are a mix. Loud noises can tear through our body and jolt us into a panic, the sound of ice can feel like daggers in our ears, loud music can be comforting. Hot weather can drain us while for others it is energizing, cold weather can stop some of us from being able to move because it hurts our flesh so badly, while some of us can run around in the snow in shorts and think that it is great. There are so many differences between each one of us and that is something that needs to be made aware to the world. There are substantial differences between girls and boys and woman and men on the autism spectrum and I think that is something of importance to be aware of.

There are so many methods of treatment and I think having proper awareness of them is important as well.

There are many things that my mind wants to share but I cannot in a blog post. As I challenge myself to stay focused and make a clear point, I guess out of everything that I would want people to have awareness of when it comes to autism, is acceptance. I would long to see people accept our differences and be aware of them. I would want people to accept our gifts and hindrances not as pity or idolize the giftings but to just accept us as we are. Accept challenges and bring forth more awareness to the needs of those who are not receiving the help they need. I am referring to parents, children and adults on the spectrum. Acceptance that it’s ok for parents to be upset, concerned, exhausted, worried, feeling hopeless but to not accept those feelings as their new identity.

Don’t stay there.

Accept that a mindset of fear will make the mind look for a constant enemy, not be empowering but strip away the life ahead. Accept that you don’t have to be angry but determined to help your child and yourself. Accept that the challenges are real but if our community pulls together to seek to help parents be better equipped to help their child with autism, it can change. Accept that adults on the spectrum can bring a lot of insight to parents who do not know what it is like for their child. For those who have been in denial to accept that there are adults on the spectrum, they have a voice and they can give hope to those who feel hopeless. Accepting that parents have a voice too and need to be heard just as much as their children do. We all need to accept that we are not winning any battle by drawing lines in the sand and bashing each other. We need each other and those who are unwilling to accept that are just not ready for a paradigm shift. We need to acknowledge that, that is ok too. However, with more of us speaking out as parents for our children, giving our children a voice as well, and focusing on quality of life instead of what is seen as detriments of life, maybe that will change.

I hope there will be some minds bending to true awareness this month.

Here are some resources to help bring awareness.

What is Autism?

The History of Autism (Quicky)

Rethinking Autism

Some Videos

Loving Lamposts Trailer

Increasing Awareness of Women with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Girls and Asperger’s I have several more links on this page regarding girls.

Types of Asperger’s As a means to help identify in some way not to compartmentalize, there can be many variations and mixes. It usually depends on environment and stress levels.

Life with Asperger’s (8 different types of Asperger’s)

Communication Frustration   (Wretches and Jabberers)

Autism Symposium

Light it Up Blue (Reference to my post title.)

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03/24/11

Where Is My Oscar??

After I downloaded all the information I could think of from the autism symposium, I had thoughts about how well I did socially. I had many reasons for me to feel anxious about going. David and I decided to go together this year, but last year I went alone and that was an intense experience. It was the first time I had ever left the kids with David all day long. Of course, I trusted David, but Daniel was still using me as the sole “go to” person and David didn’t always understand what Daniel meant. This year the children were staying with my mom for more than 10 hours. We have never left the children that long. I believe the longest we have ever been away from them is about 4 hours and that has only been a handful of times.

We have always been close in the area too, this time we were going to be a bid farther.

If anything were to happen it would have taken us a while to get to them. I am not a helicopter mom, this is the reality of our life. We are limited in relationships, family, and in people who understand how to take care of the needs of our children. Anyway, I had that running through my head, plus the whole intimidation factor that I feel when I am around a bunch of people who seem as though they have more knowledge or authority than myself. The symposium is open to the public but it is largely for continual education in various fields, like ABA therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapists etc… Since I am just a renegade mom trying to help her child, I feel like I am going to be condemned by the medical community or feel inadequate to speak about what knowledge I do have.

I consume a lot of information but I never seem to feel like I “know” enough.

In order to help myself with this, I research before I go to anything like that. I try to make sure that I understand what they are talking about and write down questions that I may have ahead of time so that I will not get side tracked. I have found that if I research and write down focal points for myself, it is easier to process the information coming at me. I also go over every social situation I can think of and have a scripts running through my mind, just in case I talk to someone. I had done everything I could ahead of time to try to make it smooth in the morning but then I forgot all of the other things that I needed to do. I made breakfast, then realized that I had not packed the kids lunches and snacks, (I thought I already had done that) I needed to make a list of foods and how much Daniel could have. I had to get the kids dressed, but I needed to get ready. So I had a minny meltdown when David came downstairs and he had no idea what was going on, because I never told him what I needed help with.

I assumed that he knew what needed to be done, I forgot he cannot read my mind.

I started to have a panic attack. My heart rate went up, I started to sweat and to hyperventilate as I was running across the living room to get ready. David was telling me “it’s ok, we are not late, everything is fine”. I was also talking to myself saying “It’s ok, it’s ok, you are ok” as I kept counting to 10. Finally, I calmed down this happened twice, but with the help of David and my self-help, I was able to stop from going into full-blown panic. The drive was good and it gave me time to calm down and prepare but I was really out of it. When we got there I got lost again, last year I got lost and it put me into a full-blown panic attack and I almost went home. There is something about the complex that I cannot remember the directions, they have two signs with the same street name and I couldn’t remember the markers. I was starting to get very upset because it just doesn’t make sense for me not to remember. Why couldn’t I remember!!

We found it, we were early and it was all good.

David told me not to get upset with myself because he got confused too. I was still a bit frustrated since I had been there before but my mind was off from the anxiety. We went in and registered and then I saw my friend who coordinates the event and I had a moment of relief. She came and talked to us for a few minutes and took us into the event room. It’s huge and I was pummeled with fluorescent lights and their buzz, but I noticed the chairs. I asked her if they were new chairs and indeed they were new chairs. Last year they were light blue and they had a glare, this year they were navy blue, they seemed to stop the bouncing fluorescent lights from going all over the room. I was happy about that because last year the chairs were bothering me very much. We sat down in a good spot and people began to sit down as well. As there were people sitting down at our table, I felt this need to talk to them but I had no words. I couldn’t even say hi and no eye contact. Then a very nice lady sat down between me and one of the other women, she started a conversation with the other woman.

I was curled up in my little personal space ball, looking down studying the papers from the packet.

I curl up like that a lot in social situations because I will start to get chills and in a way I feel protected. The woman said “Hi, I am Tina, what is your name and why are you here, continual education?” Well there were a lot of questions, I kind of stared blankly for, what felt like a year. Then my mouth took over before my mind and since she asked why I was there, the flood gates opened and I couldn’t stop the words from flowing. I went into my whole  “I have anxiety” spiel, I tend to do this when I am nervous. Then I went into my autism spiel.  I do not know why I do this, but I will just download information without even realizing what I am doing. I can’t stop myself, somehow the information just comes out before I have time to think. Then I feel foolish, but I have done it so many times now that I just have to shrug my shoulders at myself. It allows me the freedom to talk. It opened up her talking about her adult daughter who is currently living at home and she is concerned about.

I shared some things that she felt was very beneficial, so I feel like I was supposed to share.

In the middle of our conversation though, I noticed the other woman who was sitting there and I had not addressed her at all. I interrupted what I was saying and said “I am sorry, I didn’t ask your name. What is your name and why are you here?” I realized that this was the wrong time only after but everyone was fine with that. She was a wonderful woman who just moved in town, she was originally from Japan. (Our prayers and thoughts go out to all of those affected by the recent disasters.) She worked with autistic children in Japan with a main emphasis on social skills. She said that they were about 3-5 years behind in working in this area with children on the autism spectrum. I was doing very well with both of the women, staring at their foreheads and blurring their eyebrows so they thought I was making eye contact. Then somehow I got David involved, I tend to do that when I no longer know what to say or I am just tired of talking.

We tag team during social events.

As he spoke another couple came in and sat down, they had kind of negative energy from the get go, but I figured that she was about 7-8 months pregnant.  I think most women are kind of cranky during that time, especially if they have to sit all day in an event that they may not be that interested in. David was sharing about how scripts help us and our children and that we try to make as many social scripts as possible to help avoid the social anxiety that I can have. Then the woman passed a note to her husband and did an eye roll at David. What was that? I don’t know but we went on and then they started to introduce the speakers. Earlier, my friend had warned me that they were doing a buffet instead of packed lunches, I panicked for a moment. I hate buffets! All I needed to know was the flow, just tell me how it will go and I will work out the other details, of keeping my distance from others, not freaking out because I do not know who or what has touched the open food, and the many hands touching the plastic utensils, I could go on but I will stop there.

Later, as we filed into the  buffet line, I noticed in the corner of my eye that the pregnant couple was behind us.

I thought that she may be starving and tired so I turned around and offered for them to go ahead, she declined but thanked me. I remember what it felt like to be pregnant and having to sit for long periods of time and also needing food. My gesture seemed to change their attitude toward us because the rest of the day she was very kind and tried to talk, but I was so overloaded by the afternoon that I wasn’t the best with my acting skills. I kept trying though. The murmur of all of those people, their smells, the food smells, the coffee smells, the microphones having different volumes, the clapping, everything was starting to take over my senses. By the third talk, the words he was saying started to sound like a foreign language and wouldn’t make any sense. The last speaker was the worst with that because she spoke very fast and I could not read her lips. BUT I still managed to be nice to people and keep very small, small talk. I was also able to retain more information than I thought I had.

I had a positive reaction from the first woman I spoke with, when I told her about my anxiety.

I shared with her and the other woman, during the beginning of our conversations “Right now I am fine, I can talk and have no problems because this is a topic that I like. My anxiety will not kick in until after we leave and it can last for days.” She had no idea that could happen. She told me “Well do not have anxiety when you leave here, everything is fine”. That actually helped a lot. I begin to have anxiety before I do something, but while I am doing it I feel fine, in fact I will think that it is going very well and I will feel good. After the certain something, my mind starts to go over every detail and repeats every word I said or what other people have said and then comes the anxiety. I am fully capable of forcing myself to go and do things, I try new things, I do not have a phobia or fear of people or trying something. It seems that I have so many “bad scripts” that I am full of anxiety, mainly it is that I do not know how to read people. Body language is new to me, I had no idea any of that was going on so I do not have scripts for that, yet.

I understand that my brain is causing anxiety, I am not wrong for having these feelings, but they do get on my nerves.

I am excited to have a very positive script from this year, since last year I gained a negative script because I had a panic attack, got lost, and I almost went home. I did manage to talk to a couple of people but I did not have anyone with me to tell me if it was positive or not. This year was much better, except I forgot to say good-bye to people. I was so overloaded that I no longer saw people, we just left and then I felt horrible for not saying good-bye. David reassured me that they would be ok, they are adults and it is fine, I still felt bad. I know that the goal is to keep trying to get more positive experiences. I know that it is not my doing that I have anxiety. I actually try to do everything I can to stop it. I try to keep myself in peace as much as possible. However, during this time I  my sister coming the next week and I was excited and anxious, which makes it harder for my anxiety to calm sooner. I had prepared for the kids to have their own form of anxiety meltdowns as well. Even though they love being with Grammy and everything went perfect the entire day, the next day was rough.

That was expected.

The kids were not used to being away from us that long, they were not sure when exactly we were coming back. The anticipation got all the brain chemicals flowing. We were all exhausted from the social exposure, we went to bed at 8pm two nights in a row. My mom was still recovering several days later because she is not used to that either. We were all off for a few days, but then the time change sent us for a loop. I forgot all about it. We were all doing well but it was a lot of change that week and a lot of anticipation. Overall it was a great day and very much worth it for everyone. We will all be better equipped the next time. I now have scripts stored to help the kids and myself. It went much better also because I was able to talk to David on the drive home and both of us were able to process the information with no interruptions.

I was excited to actually see some of my acting skills and my mirror neurons working well, I gained some positive scripts to add to my “brain files”.


 

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05/13/09

Not my job

I am not going to speak about Asperger’s in technical terms or go into the medical stuff. There are many blogs, websites, and resources that have done that and do a great job at it. I will list the ones that I go to and frequent. I also have a list of books and resources that I use regularly to help me and my son.

It’s about the journey.

I mentioned in the About section that I am using this blog as a way of expressing myself to help me on my Aspie journey. I have always written from the time I was able to write. I have had journals and journals. I wrote poems and stories as far back as I can remember.

If I wasn’t writing, I was dancing and singing – 45’s Baby!

I had my portable record player and would sit in my room for hours listening to all of my mom’s albums and all those “Read Along” stories. Now that I’ve found clarity about Aspie traits, I look back and see how I created my own world. And when someone interrupted it, I was VERY upset. I didn’t have a lot of friends actually I didn’t have any in my neighborhood. I had one at school. So my time was full of doing whatever I wanted.

I am social…I do have the ability to communicate and have since a child.

I usually speak whatever is on my mind and do not really comprehend that it could offend someone until later. But being that I am out there and pretty social (even though it puts in me in a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks), people do not think there is anything different about me from them. So that has caused me quite a lot of pain and confusion.

Because I am social and don’t really think about it, I have been so confused by social cues. I can tell you exactly what I mean but the person listening hears what they think I mean. It’s confusing because I mean what I am saying – there is nothing hidden or implied in my words where I say one thing and mean another. It’s hard for many neurotypicals to get that, at least those that I have been around. I have had really great people in my life but they just don’t get me. I can be surrounded by a group of people like my family for instance and still feel isolated, awkward, and misunderstood.

And these people love me.

I had a crash course in understanding people who manipulate and control others. I really never knew they existed. In my mind, I honestly thought that if people were acting like that they didn’t understand what they were doing.

I have had some boot camp experiences in the last few years that actually brought me to a place of finding out that I am an Aspie. Even though the experiences were quite painful, it has brought about my emotional healing and mental restoration.

Most of all, understanding my son.

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