If you have seen my facebook page today, I apologize for being quite obsessive with sharing this video… I did share on one of my other blogs too. I cannot help it; I think it is that good! I have listened to it four times now. Here is the video.
I venture to guess that many of us on the autism spectrum can relate to her definition of “otherness.” The feelings that she expressed feel very similar. The personal attacks she placed on herself as well as the walls she started to build as protection from society, (though she did not describe it like that it is my interpretation) are very reminiscent to familiar emotions and actions for me.
She said, “I was a noticeable nobody.”
I cannot put into words what that did to me when I heard it the first time, the second time it became more real, the third time it pierced every fiber of me. I just listened to it for the fourth time and I feel all scratched up on the inside, but I also feel great relief and hope. There is so much packed into this talk, I would like to dissect it, but I do not have the time now.
I was so excited as she described the way she dances.
Her use of words described how I feel when I dance. As she described it she said, ” – that nagging dread sense of selfhood didn’t exist when I was dancing. I’d literally lose myself and I was a really good dancer. I would put all of my emotional expression into my dancing. I could be in the movement in a way that I wasn’t able to be in my real life, in myself.”
I believe this is why I close my eyes when I dance and sing.
I also feel this as well when writing my poems or stories. I am able to express what I cannot not in real life. I am able to write out the words that have hurt me, made me feel loved, that excite me, etc… I cannot say them, I have not known “myself,” but my expression of dance, words, and music has always been glimpses and expressions of me. She speaks of her first acting role and the peace she felt when she was acting. Her words were, “My dysfunctional self could actually plug in to another self, not my own and it felt so good. It was the first time I existed inside a fully functioning self. One that I controlled, that I steered, that I gave life to, but the shooting day would end and I would return to my gnarly awkward self.”
Acting and mimicking has been my sources of survival in this world.
However, I always felt like a phony and a fraud. I always failed at keeping up the character and I would forget who I was supposed to be. I did not know who I was, but I knew I could not be the person that I felt like being because people rejected that person. I had to become someone, else. There is so much in her words that I wish I could elaborate on. I think she gives some wonderful words to ponder at the end integrating oneness and what it will take from us as humans to achieve that. ”Simple awareness is where it begins.” I need to process some more anyway. I need to learn how to embrace my otherness and myself around all types of people. I am, but I need to be reminded as well.
I know that when I write I feel as if I finally exist.
When I dance, I feel a part of something, when poems come out of me I feel as if I belong. My words confirm my existence because many times other people make my existence feel negated. (Unless I am a character playing a role.) I have been slowly coming into full existence by allowing myself to write freely. I have forced myself to step out and challenge my stories and my poems. I am bringing all forms of me into existence. I had no idea what I was doing, but by doing this I have caused myself to feel stronger in the “real” world as well. My voice has become stronger. My confusions have been made known. My hurts have been expressed.
I have also been able to determine what I like and do not like, on my own.
This new self is not forming out of fear, or survival it is forming out of truth and the acceptance of existence. Still I linger in depression. I feel overwhelmed and wonder some days if any of this is worth it. In the end, I think it is, but sometimes I get so tired of doing this alone. (Not virtually alone, thank you my internet friends.) A big sigh… nights such as last night made me contemplate any purpose of my existence. (I am glad I found this video today.) I literally wondered what the point of me being here is. I could not find any real purpose. I managed to convince myself that anyone could take up the air such as I do.
I decided that it truly does not matter if I am here or not.
Not in a suicidal way of thinking, it was a matter-of-fact feeling of one not being of any significance. Then, I thought of the moon and I figured he might miss me so I should stick around a bit. I am sure other people feel this often enough. It most likely happens a lot when a person is in self-discovery mode. I do not think that these thoughts should be hidden away or cause fear.
I think they should be expressed and talked about.
The best weapon depression and isolation have is silence. So I am embracing that oneness of my “dark” side. It actually possesses a lot of light, still it can be a painful thing, but it has worth. The great thing about my thoughts such as these is that they are quickly eaten away with music. On my store adventures last night, I heard a wide range of music. The songs made me laugh, made me cry, made me dance, and forced out negativity. I will share what I heard because it will help me remember my emotions from last night and today.
Mix Tape Oneness: Random Tunes From The Radio October 6th, 2012
(I did not listen to the whole song on some of these, but maybe others will enjoy them. The thing I find amusing is that I know the songs even if I did not listen to the whole thing, or they were songs from my past and I still remember every lyric. I only heard the last five seconds of The Thunder Rolls Garth Brooks.)
A rude song came on so I pushed scan…Driving to the first store.
I think I got annoyed with the radio stations at this point besides I was at the store and went in.
I am almost certain I caught the end of this next song.
I am adding number eight even though it was not on the radio because it is currently the kids favorite song and they go around singing it all the time. I also need to go make lunch. Whoop! Whoop! Oh, I will sneak this one in 7) I Know You Want Me - Pitbull it was the last one I heard in the car. I had the music up so loud that Daniel came into the garage and caught me dancing in the car. All the kids came out and then, requested to hear the song inside… and I put it on, so we all danced. Ariel really likes the song.