I would categorize my mood as delirious. However, no one get too concerned, I am only trying to help my brain get organized. Sometimes the best way is to go research the random thoughts that fill my mind. I have been utterly chaotic in my brain. I am disorganized, unable to focus, feeling my emotions fluctuate from one extreme to the next; I have not been able to sleep – as a matter-of-fact I do not want to. It feels like I am being forced by my own body to go get rest and I have so many things that are gyrating around in my neurons that I want to get them settled and organized.
I have been annoying myself with not being able to get on a schedule.
My consumption of documentaries lately has gotten my brain into a thinking, connecting, wanting to fix everything in the world frenzy. The last few days I have been working on the kids schooling and loving it! I have been in a state of euphoria with learning the virtual system, reading through the curriculum, checking out the resources, learning about the school’s operations in great detail, and it has made me incredibly excited for school.
I cannot wait for it to start.
I was a bit a put out when I started the orientation not knowing that it was HOURS of video watching and then, short quizzes afterward. Now, I appreciate what they have done. It only helps my confidence in the school, but I was thinking, “Seriously, someone does not know how to use a forum, or how to use email?” and we need a five to eight minute video with visuals and someone talking, as well as a quiz at the end. I quickly reminded myself that not many people adore the computer or internet as much as myself, or their jobs do not require these types of skill. Others may not even have a computer!
People forgive me, I forget sometimes, OK!
I admit I have rather enjoyed watching the videos and taking the quizzes because I am getting them all right. HA! Seriously, the whole operation going on is quite user friendly and very detailed. Yes, yes I am completely sidetracked. It all ties into my delirious state. I realized that I am feeling like this because school has been our life. The past three to four years straight have revolved around me planning school, and working with the kids all day long, all year long with school. I did not have strict regiments, but school was an all day affair. It was my focus and direction for all of these years.
I have felt lost not doing school.
I have felt in limbo for the past few months. I have not done any school with them since we got here because I have been unpacking, getting the house organized, cleaning, helping the children to adjust, dealing with all of our social and emotional meltdowns(shutdowns), I have been too overwhelmed to even think about coming up with school ideas. I have let us all relax and play outside, or stim on whatever we want to. AND it is making me delirious in the context of the word’s several definitions.
What made me think of this morning?
I had been looking at old pictures of the kids when they were babies, and around two years old. I found lovely pictures of them and of the sky that I obsessed over with the video and digital camera while I was stuck in our three-story apartment by myself for most of the day. (Evenings as well about two nights a week.) The balcony had an amazing view, and the storms that rolled in created some of the most brilliant art pieces I have ever seen. The rainbows would take up the entire landscape and some nights I swear I could reach out and touch the moon.
They were my closest friends – they have been my whole life.
As I looked through the billion pictures I had captured, my eyes filled with tears of joy and sorrow. So many emotions I cannot describe. The happiness of that time with the babies and nature, and the sadness of isolation and feeling so alone. As I sat there looking at the images all of the memories flooded me, both good and bad. My exhaustion and fears, my jollity that I had captured so many smiles from each of them. The hardwired personalities that I saw then that are now manifesting into word and actions with clarity.
I just got delirious with emotion.
I have so many thoughts flooding my mind and I have so many posts that I want to write, but I cannot. My mind is chaotic and unable to filter into a clear message. Until I heard, this song Delirious by Prince (This is the only version I can find.) flood my brain out of nowhere as I sat at my computer only a few moments ago. Have I written this before? I am having déjà vu – yikes! We know what that means, right? Then, I thought of Eddie Murphy Delirious stand up show and thought, “What was my mom thinking letting me watch that?” Of course, we spent many a Saturday nights watching SNL so I can see where it would not be much of a stretch. I did not understand most of it anyway. I just really liked Steve Martin being King Tut and would do the whole skit for my audience, whether real or make-believe.
Speaking of Steve, here he is with Bela Fleck, Tony Trischka Banjo HDTV The Crow. (Awesome)
See I keep going off in all sorts of directions. My mind is linking and laughing, crying and hurting, singing and quiet, and trying to gain some sort of balance. Which led me to look up the word delirious, wondering if people or even myself truly understand the definition and comprehend the word’s meaning? Here we go…
de·lir·i·ous (d-lîr-s) adj.
1. Of, suffering from, or characteristic of delirium.
2. Marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion; ecstatic: delirious joy; a crowd of delirious baseball fans
delirious [dɪˈlɪrɪəs] adj
1. (Medicine / Pathology) affected with delirium
2. wildly excited, esp with joy or enthusiasm
Leading me to Delirium:
Delirium or acute confusional state is a common and severe neuropsychiatric syndrome with core features of acute onset, meaning it has been present from hours to days, but not months or years. Delirium represents an organically caused decline from a previously-attained level of cognitive functioning. Delirium typically appears suddenly with a readily-identifiable time of onset, such as a time space of a few hours, or overnight. It is typified by fluctuating course, attentional deficits and generalized severe disorganization of behavior. It typically involves other cognitive deficits, changes in arousal (hyperactive, hypoactive, or mixed), perceptual deficits, altered sleep-wake cycle, and psychotic features such as hallucinations and delusions. Delirium itself is not a disease, but rather a clinical syndrome (a set of symptoms), which result from an underlying disease or new problem with mentation.
In common usage, delirium is often used to refer to drowsiness, disorientation, and hallucination. In broader medical terminology, however, a number of other symptoms, including a sudden inability to focus attention, and even (occasionally) sleeplessness and severe agitation and irritability, also define “delirium,” and hallucination, drowsiness, and disorientation are not required.
The core features are:
- Disturbance of consciousness (that is, reduced clarity of awareness of the environment, with reduced ability to focus, sustain, or shift attention)
- Change in cognition (e.g., problem-solving impairment or memory impairment) or a perceptual disturbance
- Onset of hours to days, and tendency to fluctuate.
- Behaviour may be either overactive or underactive, sleep is often disturbed.
- Thinking is slow and muddled but the content is often complex. 
Common features also tend to include:
- Intrusive abnormalities of awareness and affect, such as hallucinations or inappropriate emotional states.[clarification needed]
Indeed by definition I would assess myself as being in a state of delirium. (without hallucinations and delusions… wait does déjà vu count? )
However, I am feeling deliriously free from negative thoughts, and limiting my intake of negativity, which is helping my brain to gain its proper and “normal” state, whatever that is. All I know is that I do not feel so sad, or helpless when in my brain’s proper state. I think I have gotten enough out to help me get back to a calmer mind. I enjoyed so much looking at my pictures. I am going to share some of them. I am sharing a few of the kids too, I only got up to Joshua being a few months old in my picture rounds – I had to start breakfast. I found a picture of my cat Alexa; she always made her head flat. I do not know why. She was a silly kitty. She looks kind of like a dragon. Click on the pictures to make them larger.
Hope you enjoy these photos!