Tag Archives: moving

07/26/12

Delirious! Mind Dump Post & Clouds, Of Course!

I would categorize my mood as delirious. However, no one get too concerned, I am only trying to help my brain get organized. Sometimes the best way is to go research the random thoughts that fill my mind. I have been utterly chaotic in my brain. I am disorganized, unable to focus, feeling my emotions fluctuate from one extreme to the next; I have not been able to sleep – as a matter-of-fact I do not want to. It feels like I am being forced by my own body to go get rest and I have so many things that are gyrating around in my neurons that I want to get them settled and organized.

I have been annoying myself with not being able to get on a schedule. 

My consumption of documentaries lately has gotten my brain into a thinking, connecting, wanting to fix everything in the world frenzy. The last few days I have been working on the kids schooling and loving it! I have been in a state of euphoria with learning the virtual system, reading through the curriculum, checking out the resources, learning about the school’s operations in great detail, and it has made me incredibly excited for school.

I cannot wait for it to start. 

I was a bit a put out when I started the orientation not knowing that it was HOURS of video watching and then, short quizzes afterward. Now, I appreciate what they have done. It only helps my confidence in the school, but I was thinking, “Seriously, someone does not know how to use a forum, or how to use email?” and we need a five to eight minute video with visuals and someone talking, as well as a quiz at the end. I quickly reminded myself that not many people adore the computer or internet as much as myself, or their jobs do not require these types of skill. Others may not even have a computer!

People forgive me, I forget sometimes, OK!

I admit I have rather enjoyed watching the videos and taking the quizzes because I am getting them all right. HA! Seriously, the whole operation going on is quite user friendly and very detailed. Yes, yes I am completely sidetracked. It all ties into my delirious state. I realized that I am feeling like this because school has been our life. The past three to four years straight have revolved around me planning school, and working with the kids all day long, all year long with school. I did not have strict regiments, but school was an all day affair. It was my focus and direction for all of these years.

I have felt lost not doing school.

I have felt in limbo for the past few months. I have not done any school with them since we got here because I have been unpacking, getting the house organized, cleaning, helping the children to adjust, dealing with all of our social and emotional meltdowns(shutdowns), I have been too overwhelmed to even think about coming up with school ideas. I have let us all relax and play outside, or stim on whatever we want to. AND it is making me delirious in the context of the word’s several definitions.

What made me think of this morning? 

I had been looking at old pictures of the kids when they were babies, and around two years old. I found lovely pictures of them and of the sky that I obsessed over with the video and digital camera while I was stuck in our three-story apartment by myself for most of the day. (Evenings as well about two nights a week.) The balcony had an amazing view, and the storms that rolled in created some of the most brilliant art pieces I have ever seen. The rainbows would take up the entire landscape and some nights I swear I could reach out and touch the moon.

They were my closest friends – they have been my whole life. 

As I looked through the billion pictures I had captured, my eyes filled with tears of joy and sorrow. So many emotions I cannot describe. The happiness of that time with the babies and nature, and the sadness of isolation and feeling so alone. As I sat there looking at the images all of the memories flooded me, both good and bad. My exhaustion and fears, my jollity that I had captured so many smiles from each of them. The hardwired personalities that I saw then that are now manifesting into word and actions with clarity.

I just got delirious with emotion. 

I have so many thoughts flooding my mind and I have so many posts that I want to write, but I cannot. My mind is chaotic and unable to filter into a clear message. Until I heard, this song  Delirious by Prince (This is the only version I can find.) flood my brain out of nowhere as I sat at my computer only a few moments ago.  Have I written this before? I am having déjà vu – yikes! We know what that means, right? Then, I thought of Eddie Murphy Delirious stand up show and thought, “What was my mom thinking letting me watch that?” Of course, we spent many a Saturday nights watching SNL so I can see where it would not be much of a stretch. I did not understand most of it anyway. I just really liked Steve Martin being King Tut and would do the whole skit for my audience, whether real or make-believe. :-)

Speaking of Steve, here he is with Bela Fleck, Tony Trischka Banjo HDTV The Crow. (Awesome) 

See I keep going off in all sorts of directions. My mind is linking and laughing, crying and hurting, singing and quiet, and trying to gain some sort of balance. Which led me to look up the word delirious, wondering if people or even myself truly understand the definition and comprehend the word’s meaning? Here we go…

de·lir·i·ous  (d-lîr-s) adj.

1. Of, suffering from, or characteristic of delirium.

2. Marked by uncontrolled excitement or emotion; ecstatic: delirious joy; a crowd of delirious baseball fans

 delirious [dɪˈlɪrɪəs] adj

1. (Medicine / Pathology) affected with delirium

2. wildly excited, esp with joy or enthusiasm

Leading me to Delirium:  

Delirium or acute confusional state is a common and severe neuropsychiatric syndrome with core features of acute onset, meaning it has been present from hours to days, but not months or years. Delirium represents an organically caused decline from a previously-attained level of cognitive functioning. Delirium typically appears suddenly with a readily-identifiable time of onset, such as a time space of a few hours, or overnight. It is typified by fluctuating course, attentional deficits and generalized severe disorganization of behavior. It typically involves other cognitive deficits, changes in arousal (hyperactive, hypoactive, or mixed), perceptual deficits, altered sleep-wake cycle, and psychotic features such as hallucinations and delusions. Delirium itself is not a disease, but rather a clinical syndrome (a set of symptoms), which result from an underlying disease or new problem with mentation.

Definition

In common usage, delirium is often used to refer to drowsiness, disorientation, and hallucination. In broader medical terminology, however, a number of other symptoms, including a sudden inability to focus attention, and even (occasionally) sleeplessness and severe agitation and irritability, also define “delirium,” and hallucination, drowsiness, and disorientation are not required.

There are several medical definitions of delirium (including those in the DSM-IV and ICD-10). However, all include some core features.

The core features are:

  • Disturbance of consciousness (that is, reduced clarity of awareness of the environment, with reduced ability to focus, sustain, or shift attention)
  • Change in cognition (e.g., problem-solving impairment or memory impairment) or a perceptual disturbance
  • Onset of hours to days, and tendency to fluctuate.
  • Behaviour may be either overactive or underactive, sleep is often disturbed.
  • Thinking is slow and muddled but the content is often complex. [4]

Common features also tend to include:

Indeed by definition I would assess myself as being in a state of delirium. (without hallucinations and delusions… wait does déjà vu count? ) 

However, I am feeling deliriously free from negative thoughts, and limiting my intake of negativity, which is helping my brain to gain its proper and “normal” state, whatever that is. All I know is that I do not feel so sad, or helpless when in my brain’s proper state. :-)  I think I have gotten enough out to help me get back to a calmer mind. I enjoyed so much looking at my pictures. I am going to share some of them. I am sharing a few of the kids too, I only got up to Joshua being a few months old in my picture rounds – I had to start breakfast. I found a picture of my cat Alexa; she always made her head flat. I do not know why. She was a silly kitty. She looks kind of like a dragon. Click on the pictures to make them larger.

Hope you enjoy these photos! 

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
07/4/12

Wordless Wednesday! Me??

“Wordless” cannot seem to happen for me although I am pretty tapped out of words for the moment. I thought I would be able to respond to my comments on here today, but the internet was not connected until much later in the afternoon. By that time, I needed to stim on information about the Higgs boson particle, (There are plenty of news feeds to read, just Google it and take your pick.) and became slightly obsessed with it while making dinner. Plus I am a bit worded out because I have talked on the phone, had more social visits, and met more new people in the last few days than, I have in about two years.

I am mentally and physically exhausted.

In addition to this, my vertigo was so bad that it woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt like in my younger days when I would drink too much, lying on my bed praying to God to make the room stop spinning! This time I was praying for the water in my ears to get balanced as I ran into walls in the dark to get some water because I was so thirsty. Actually, that was at 1:38 am Tuesday morning. When I awoke yesterday and today, the whole right side of my body was numb, and eventually felt like the “needle” feeling when your foot falls asleep.

It went away after about 20 minutes each morning.

I was a little dizzy last night, and went to bed at about 8:00pm. I am feeling much better today. I have not had any vertigo spells. I think the weather, allergies, my body adjusting, all the socialness, and the stress of everything is a contributing factor. If it continues the next few days, I will go to the doctor, and get some antivert or something. That helped me in the past.

I am sure I am fine.

The kids are doing great. They are beyond happy, and are enjoying the new house very much. I am surprised at how well Daniel is doing. He seems much happier here and I am not sure why. He has had a couple of moments that came close to meltdown operating in old patterns of coming after me, or attacking the house. I stopped him each time and told him he could no longer do that. I explained it simply is not allowed in this house and he is going to have to find a better way to handle things. I gave him suggestions and one time he plopped himself on the bed trying to be angry, the next thing I knew he was laughing.

He has starting laughing when he feels the frustration coming on. 

He has also taken to asking for a hug, or wrapping my arms around him when he feels it coming on. Granted I was able to do all of this because he had not gotten to full-blown meltdown. If that were the case, I am not sure it would have gone so well. It helps a lot that I have this huge yard that I can take them out in, walk, and play. The openness and freedom has already made a huge difference for the kids. There are also huge windows all around the house so we can see so many things. Our other house was lovely, but not as open and definitely did not have the windows or scenery we have here.

I am feeling so good about all of this.

Every interaction I have had has been positive. All of the service people, the neighbors, the people in the stores, and even the virtual school has all been positive. My grandma came by the other day and I love the fact that we are less than five minutes away from her. She hurt her back, and does not have anyone here to visit with her, or help her if she needs it. She is a VERY independent woman, but she does hit her capacity of independence sometimes. I think she is happy we are so close too for several reasons. I am feeling better emotionally now as well, after my little meltdown then, shutdown.

I think my body forced me to shutdown. 

I had some time to process – since I was able to write it out, finally, I gained clarity. It is good, very good. I really do not know how to handle what I am feeling right now. I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. I was feeling much more peace within myself in the last several months, but now I am feeling it with the kids also. My anxieties about them or for them are settling. I think it is because we have so much more opportunity here for them. I am excited to get them around other kids, and out to try new adventures. I think they will be much happier too. Ok, I can feel my brain dwindling. I had not planned to write this much! I have tried so many times to do a “Wordless Wednesday” and I am incapable. I have too many words in my head even on my least wordy of days. :-)

Pictures of the yard! 

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
07/2/12

We Made It!

We still do not have internet, not until Wednesday. I stole David’s iPhone – he got some 3G set up to be able to work. I am supposed to be going fast! I will comment back later this week! Please forgive my typos. Hee hee

We are here! Our estimated 12 (14) hour road trip was actually an 18 hour adventure. What a time – I had insomnia days before and then, I barely slept at my mom’s house the night before we left. David and I loaded the truck ourselves. Since I loaded the garage and cleaned as I went the whole thing was not that horrible. He did end up loading a lot of it himself except for the heavy stuff, while I took care of the kids, the rest of the residual packing, and clean up.

Overall, it was the best move-out we have had.

The actual road trip was successful. The kids did amazing! We ended up having to go slower than excepted because the wheels on the truck were bald, and the truck was leaning toward the right. It was not possible for us to pull things out and try to repack so we had to go with it. We left at 4am and arrived here at 10pm. There were a couple of potty accidents that required me pulling over and doing clean up. Poor Daniel ended up getting sick and there was about half hour of vomitous grandness that was all over the back of the car, Daniel, the car seat, and eventually me.

It was entertaining to clean that up in scorching heat.

Oh, and we were in the middle of nowhere so the lovely convenient store only had a bottle of Mr. Clean and packaged sanitary wipes. I do admit I almost lost it by that time and didn’t care a lick what anyone thought of me so… when I cleaned the back of the car, the car seat, Daniel, and myself I yanked off my puke covered tank top right there in the parking park lot to put on a new one. Ok, I did go to the side of the minivan, but I did not hide myself much, I figured my bra was the same as my bikini top. Who cares!

I was amazed at how calm I was the whole trip.

I did not panic or have anxiety about driving through major cities. I do know the route really well. I drove it for back and forth for vacations for six years when I lived further south of the state. However, that was many years ago and when we drove out last time David did all of the driving. Even still in the past, I would panic and have anxiety. Daniel had two minor meltdowns, but he did not shutdown and he kept up communication the whole time, along with happy spirits. All of the kids did. Our last long distance move Daniel stopped eating and drinking. He shutdown and would only take a bottle. He was a little over two and half I believe. Not this time – I am thinking all of the prayers and positivity everyone was vibing on us worked! Thank you all! :-)

The kids got the giggles and went into complete silliness at certain times.

While we were going through heavy, crazy, possible anxiety inducing traffic through Nashville they started laughing so hard they could not stop. I had been “seeking” music on the radio and there was not much to choose from. We heard a song about being sexy and all I can remember is the lyrics that said “I work out” and I started laughing so hard. Then there was another song, I think it was a country song. A fella was singing about never growing up. It involved beer and his friends – I think he was my age.

The kids started making up their own songs.

Ariel was busting out with lyrics, and giggles. Joshua was laughing so hard that he could not talk, and Daniel was laughing while repeating Ariel’s silly lyrics. She was not a fan of country music – I am not the biggest either except for certain types. She started singing, “Nashville does not have our type of music.” I wish I could remember everything they sang it was so funny. I started having laughing tears at one point.

The property manager here was very kind.

The original plan was to meet us here around 7:30 or 8:00 pm, but we were getting in too late so he left the keys for us in the mailbox. Mailbox what?? Yes, in the mailbox without a thought or worry. This is a decent size town, but it still has that small mid-western town feel. I admit I like that – I missed that. We are right on the corner of a heavy traffic area at first I started to panic and having horrible thoughts of Daniel running out into the street. I was a bit freaky about the rules. There are bolt locks on the top of the doors so they cannot reach and there are no windows for Daniel to escape out of.

I think I scared them all enough to listen to me.

I walked into the house and it was much bigger than I expected. I started to feel sick and was consumed with worry. By the next day I was much better, I had to get used to it. The kids loved it the second they walked in. Daniel took to it right away and was so happy about the house that his smile took over his face. He told me that he liked it much better than our other house. They all three said that and that they are so happy here. I am loving on this house too – now.

The yard is like a fairy tale garden.

The house is hilarious. I call it the “Fun House.” There are random goofy things such as needing to turn on two switches under the kitchen sink to get the dishwasher going. Other things that reveal this house is an oddity is the mishmash décor. There is a random electrical type box in the kitchen that I call the “Vortex.” It seems to control all the appliances, has a radio, and actually controls the time continuum. I can push reverse, slow, or fast. The appliances can be “ever on” as well. I am not sure if it works for all time or only the time for this house.

This house also does not have an address.

When registering with the water company they could not find this house. It had no address except for the main road that the house is on the corner of, and it has two owners one who seems to be a mystery and the other sounds Greek and is living in California. The front of the house was built much earlier and the back half was an add on. Strange quirks all throughout that I will definitely have to write about at some point.

So far, every morning when I wake up there are all kinds of critters.

There are all types of birds, squirrels, rabbits, and bugs. So many different types of critters! I feel like Snow White every morning. My dad, aunt, and uncle came to help us unload and I am so grateful to them. The heat was insane at about 102 degrees. I started to get symptoms of vertigo in the afternoon, by the next morning I was bedridden because my vertigo took full force. Anytime I got up I fell over or crashed into to the walls, the nausea was making everything worse. I was so upset.

Later, I decided to try some allergy medicine.

I forgot about my allergies here. I felt much better after taking medicine. I got my second wind and managed to get the kitchen, and my bedroom almost finished. I continue to have vertigo spells off and on, so I have to take it slow and that is SO frustrating. I finally had a meltdown yesterday. It all hit me at once. I was feeling overwhelmed and upset because my body is not cooperating.

I have not had internet and it is making me so upset.

I tried using my iPhone, but the typing is making me dizzy. I have felt so disconnected and surrounded by those who do not understand. While my family loves me very much, they have no idea what our life is like. When I talk about Daniel’s issues or myself I see how they are trying to connect, but it can feel very hurtful. My dad was sharing with me about a woman that was going to his church, who has a daughter with Asperger’s. He implied that he felt like the cause could have been from all of the animals the mother kept.

By his description, the woman is an animal hoarder.

The more he shared I could tell the woman had many Aspie traits, but seemed to show personality disorder. However, that is only based on the information he gave me. When I said those are classic Aspie traits he said, “She has held down good jobs.” I said, “You do realize that the autism spectrum is from genius to the average Joe, to severe?” He didn’t acknowledge my statement and went on about how the woman is unwilling to let go of her gas guzzling maintenance-ridden van. I dropped it.

There were many overwhelming emotions.

My aunt has been here and a great support, but I realize how much she does not know about me. She has no idea what I have had to overcome, or about my severe anxiety issues. She has her own and handles them differently. It felt like her issues were much worse or that I never experienced things such standing in front of people and doing public speaking with an anxiety disorder. I used to speak in front of over 1000 church congregants, or at the welcome center helping new comers. I gave personal testimonies, and danced, vacation bible school skits in front of huge churches and audiences. I had to give presentations at work places, as well as do roll out presentations requiring me to speak, teach, and for a week straight sing crazy songs about customer service – ALL with severe anxiety!

It is so odd to me that none of my family knows these things about me.

Even my closest aunt does not know me that well. It has been a lot to take in. My meltdown erupted though because I have not been able to write, or get online. I have not had a break and I hate it when my body does not function. I have not had constant contact with anyone who understands me. I have not been able to read about others who know what it is like to be on the spectrum. I have felt so alone and isolated. I went to facebook on my phone, saw all of the people interacting, and felt like it would not matter if I ever came back online. I went to several blogs and tried to read them, but I was struck with the same feeling.

I felt like it would not matter if I ever wrote again.

I then, went to my email since I had not checked in days. My mom left me an email telling me that she could not talk to me and needed to be alone for a while. She said maybe I could email her, but she wasn’t sure. I lost it. The tears came rushing, I felt like the only person who got me the most had just abandoned me. It did not help that I was flooded with all of the memories of her doing this to me from childhood on. Her emotions take over and she cannot be happy for me, or deal with me until she is ok.

My whole life has been that.

My support from both of my parents has to be filtered and monitored by me. I have to filter everything I say and do to get a little of something from either of them. This is another whole assortment of problems that I am not opening. I see it in reality for the first time even though I have known it my whole life – the reality is I am my biggest support. I need to finally embrace that and focus on it with mindfulness. True self-assurance and determining what it means to “support.” I do have support from my family I shared a few examples in this post, however, I am not feeling acceptance.

I need to ponder on these things…

Moving on, I am very happy here. My anxiety levels have dropped at least by 60% because I know where I am! I know my way around – I know the “feel” of these people. I was out watering the flowers and plants this morning, on the busy road people were waving at me. When I went into Target and jumped up and down, clapping while hooting and dancing about how much cheaper the food is, no one gave me a second glance. While I was, singing in the parking lot and talking to the sky people looked at me, but smiled. My dad talked to our neighbor (my dad talks to everyone) and they have lived here for 20 years -I cannot imagine living in the same house that long.

I am a vagabond you know!

It made me feel happy that they have been there that long, and that many of the people on this road have been here for many years too. It just felt good for some reason. This is a college town, but there are life-longers here as well. I like having a mix and feel when I drive to different parts of the city. I forgot about the scenery, and when I got here, my shoes came off and I felt like running. I can run on the grass (when we are not in a drought) and I can roll in the leaves, talk to the HUGE maple trees, rub the ivy, watch all the critters scurrying about, and enjoy the massive storms that have such a surreal feel to them.

I can guarantee there is going to be a lot for me to write about here.

There is going to be a lot for me to work through as well, but I noticed when I came driving into town I did not have that dreadful foreboding that I used to have. It was all the same, the place was the same, but I was different. I was not frightened, nervous, worried, or angry. I have been filled with joy despite my other overwhelming emotions. This place is comfort, the kids love it, and at this moment in time, it feels right. I am home… for a while.

Pictures you ask?

Why yes, I have pictures, tons of them! I took many drive-by “camera shooting” pictures. (The definition of that is taking pictures while driving and not looking at what I am taking pictures of.) There are some of the kids hugging the old house good-bye, and some of my new yard. OH! And the sky after a stormed passed last night, comforting me after my meltdown. The clouds, the sun, and the whole sky gave me a great big smiley face when I went to the store.

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
06/27/12

Going Off-Grid

I am totally Jack Bauer and going off-grid. Look, I am going stealth to go do my secret agent stuff, to track down bad guys and justify my bad guyness. Oh, wait. See this is why I would make a terrible secret agent – I would give away all information without even realizing it. Ha ha ha

The last of the truck stuff is to be done. 

The last of the cleaning is almost there. The days are going to fly, and in a few minutes, my computer is going to go into a box and I will miss it terribly. I will worry about it the whole way to our destination, mostly while it sits in the back of the truck. I will hear it calling to me, crying, and being all emotional. It is deeply attached me. I guess it has a grand fondness for me. :-)  OK! I will be the emotional one. I admit it.

Can you tell I am trying to help myself with separation anxiety… from my computer! 

At least I’ll have my iPhone, I do love him, and iPad will be in the car. The kids will be using him, having two devices who love me so much, and who are there to support me is a good thing. Lol! Now I am just being too much of a goof! I am seriously having withdraw already from my computer. I know it sounds silly, but it is such a source of community and connection with the world that I feel like any day away feels millions of light years into another galaxy.

It feels like I am so disconnected. 

I am also going to be interacting with a bunch of humans on Friday who happen to be family so I am excited and anxious at the same time. I know I will be fine, and I am looking forward to seeing everyone it is just a lot of change, and stress that has not made it through my brain to process yet. I am hoping that me writing will help with the processing and keep my mind a little more balanced than in the past during these adventures. However, I am expecting anything from me by telling myself to just let me be. Any ideals of being a perfect “Angel” (meaning past negative behaviors to try to please others) are not in my mind’s repertoire. I have eliminated all negative scripts about me being myself with my family.

If negative patterns arise, I will stop them. 

I am doing an experiment with my emotions and anxiety by continuing to write during all of this stuff. I think in the end I am going to be much calmer and able to focus. So far, this has been very beneficial, no meltdowns/shutdowns, and only minor freak-outs. I feel really good. I haven’t had a panic attack about driving in several different states. (Maybe that is just waiting to burst. Hee hee) I better put this guy away though. It is time to pack the final things and get ready to go. I will be on here soon enough, possibly with some crazy rant about my family, or the awesome adventures I have with three kids during a road trip that will most likely take 14 hours. (Should take about 12 hours.) Please keep us all in your prayers, happy thoughts, and love bubbles, or whatever your positivity comes from.

Thank you! Happy rest of the week to you! 

4 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
06/26/12

Had To Share, Had To!

I have a tendency to feel like I have not accomplished anything so I took pictures of the garage yesterday. I still have more to load in there, but David will be here soon with the truck and we will be off loading all that is in there first.

So there is what I accomplished in the garage. 

I did not take pictures of the inside accomplishments – it is a mess and making me batty! Still after looking at the garage I asked David if I had accomplished a lot. I felt like I had not because I see all that needs to be done. I have to fight the overwhelming feelings of not being able to finish. Right now it seems impossible, too much, and it can derail me. I have had to fight my mind to keep focused. What has helped me this time around is writing. Instead, of cutting myself off from writing, or stimming by whatever means, I have allowed myself to continue. This has helped get my “Flash Lightening” skills on.

See if I am able to stim, I am much more productive in short amounts of time.

If I do not allow myself to stim, or get my words out through writing, I loop, get distracted, feel consumed by overwhelming feelings. It will feel like I am being swallowed up by chaos and I cannot think. That will cause me to search for other distracting things, and ultimately into a meltdown/shutdown. I will then be of no use to anyone, and will get nothing accomplished. The kids are all doing what they need to as well. Daniel has not been able to calm himself for days, but today he has found some sort of inner peace. I believe it is because he saw the truck, and now the anticipation is starting to settle.

He has been asking all types of questions. 

Joshua has engulfed himself with Lego building, playing, and going on the Lego site. He is watching Lego “The Lord of The Rings” videos they have on there. Ariel has been on the Visible Body website  studying every detail of human anatomy, how the body heals, how a baby is formed in the womb, and disease. David got this app Plague Inc. and he and Ariel have been taking out our human race left and right with viruses they create. Plague Inc. – Universal – HD Gameplay Trailer (It is a tad bit long.)

She has spent her time analyzing the body and and drawing what she sees. 

This morning she went into detailed descriptions with me about each picture she drew. She drew healthy lungs and lungs of a person who smokes. She drew the stomach, and explained to me how it works from beginning to end. I had to share her drawings. I peeked in on her yesterday to make sure she was ok. She had her arm up, and was feeling her muscles, touching places and saying the names of the parts, as she was looking at the images on the computer. Later, she showed me her drawing of the arm. She has also been drawing X-Men and Batman scenes. She went through all of those this morning as well sharing her stories. She drew pictures of the cat and of her as some sort of creature. She said she feels like a creature right now, both angry and happy. Hmm…sounds familiar. :-)

I just had to share what she created – so a billion pictures indeed! (Yes, I had to put a pic of the cat.)

3 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
06/5/12

Serenity Now! Serenity Now!

Last week, I shared some of the constant flux of social and chaotic events that went on last week. I did not mention that after we put in the 30-day notice that we were leaving they said they wanted to inspect the house that same week. It was Wednesday! They meant the next day or Friday. At that point, I was already on the verge of tears from getting overloaded at the clinic for the kids shots, then, taking them to get ice cream in the coffee shop that is a sensory nightmare. Oh, yeah, and Joshua almost peed his pants so I had to run him into the coffee shop ahead of everyone so we could make it to the potty.

We made it…barely! 

I am glad that David thought it was important for him to be there for the kid’s shots these past two weeks and came with us because I needed someone with me. I was going to get my mom if he could not make it, but the kids were happier having daddy for such an event like this. The whole discussion of how vaccines came about, what they are for, and why we need them, filled the air for weeks. Aww… good times.

I digress – I like that word digress. Digressing. 

When David came out from the property management building and told me that they wanted to come to inspect the house, I started to lose it. I almost started crying in complete hopelessness then, I got angry. The only words I could say were, “I can’t! I can’t!” I had to calm my breathing and try to relax – he went in and told them that there was no way. They had to give us at least a week to recover from all that they have been doing. That was the same day that the dishwasher guy was there for three hours.

He was supposed to be there the day before and never showed. 

For over a month now, they have had people parading through our home, or planning to have people come, and they did/do not show up. I have made it very clear and so has David that we need scheduled appointments, I need to prepare my children, I have to prepare Daniel because the unexpectedness can lead him down trails of anxiety, and feeling on edge thinking that every day is going to be unpredictable.

I have not been including myself into the information I have been sharing with them. 

We are getting ready to move and these people are making it so incredibly difficult to catch my breath, or prepare the kids. After, we lost the house that we were supposed to move into I have been derailed. I have been trying to recover and get back on track, but I cannot. I have one room completely packed, and one room fully cleaned up to par. (My standards for moving out.)

However, the house is a disaster! 

I continued to become overwhelmed and loop about a house, which causes me to not be able to do anything. The best thing in that situation is to take a break. The kids needed a break too. This weekend we went to the beach with my mom, and it was great, but we were all on edge and overloaded from the week. I cannot even remember Sunday! Yesterday, my mom took the day off from work and we went to the beach again.

It was a perfect day!

Before we left I gave the kids each their own spout cap bottle. I have tried it before with Daniel, but he refused to drink from anything other than a straw since the bottle finally left us. You can read about that here The Bottle-My Nemesis! I always offer him new things – just in case, you never know when he will try it. I was so excited because Daniel did try it! Then, he practiced – by the end of the evening, he was able to take a drink and swallow the correct way. (He was no longer opening his mouth with water falling out. :-) ) Yea! Daniel! He was so proud of himself and now is refusing to drink from anything but that. :-/ We’ll go with it. It helps his mouth with sensory/oral therapy.

While at the beach, we had the best time. 

There was a dolphin swimming back and forth – I tried to get a picture, but could not. The water created perfect pools to wade in and that water was warm. The ocean is freezing. The kids and I tried to catch little fish – I caught two for Daniel and one for Joshua, but I spent about 15 minutes trying for Ariel and couldn’t. It became too frustrating. I was so happy that I felt like doing cartwheels – so I did. The kids thought I was “so cool.” Ha ha ha My mom rolled her eyes at me, but it’s the same kind of eye roll when she is trying to pretend that she is not happy. Finally, she laughed and asked, “Is your vertigo kicking in?”

It was I had to stop for a moment. 

However, I got overwhelmed with joy again and started doing ballet spins, and poses in the pools of water. The sand was perfect for spinning in the pools. We were there longer than we should have been, but no one wanted to go home. Mom and I made our Monday beach plans on Saturday then, my mom called me Sunday evening to inform me that my sisters made plans for her instead. I had the initial freak out because of the change of plans, my sisters being insensitive because they know that we are moving soon, and my mom trying to please everyone. I finally told her, “I cannot change plans with the kids. It has been too much – I will still take them if you cannot go.”

That was that – she ended up being  able to do both. 

I was happy that I was able to take control and make a decision without looping and being derailed…again. After our lovely day at the beach, Daniel informed me that he ate a fish as I was buckling him into his seat. My response was of shock, but Daniel thought I was upset. He started to tell me that he did not eat the fish. I could not tell what was true and what was not. I told him that I was not upset I was surprised. He then, confessed to eating a fish as he laughed, laughed, and said it tasted like sand. Um…gross!

I asked him if he swallowed it or chewed it. 

He said he chewed it. Um…gross! Although, this is actually a good thing. He is unwilling to eat meat of any sorts, his diet is very limited, and I have to be very creative to get him his nutrients. For him to try something like that on his own was a good thing, but it is a bad thing too. I have never had to worry about him putting things into his mouth. I am going to have to watch him more and make sure he does not start eating things that he should not. Later in the evening, he informed me that he actually ate two fish not one. He liked them.

I asked him if he would eat fish at home if I cooked it for him. 

He said he would – we’ll see. I will try it may be a food breakthrough, or just in the moment, random-I-feel-like-eating-a-little-fish-from-the-ocean-just-to-see-what-it-is-like. I tried dog food and dog treats often as a child. Why?  I don’t know. We were all chipper and ready to come home to take baths and showers and stay calm. David came down and told me that he had some news, and I should try not to freak out. He likes to make things sound much worse so the situation will not seem that bad. I just want him to tell me and get it over with so I can deal with it. Otherwise, I have a billion things running through my head that could be wrong.

The news, the property manager said she wanted to show the house “today.” 

He said no, she said tomorrow. He said I have to talk to my wife. I shutdown. I looked at the house and almost collapsed. I looked around and said, “I can’t do this. I cannot do this alone! I can’t do this!” hands flapping, tears coming, anger filling up my body. How many times do we have to tell these people that we cannot do this? We have lived in this house for four years and have been excellent tenants. We have allowed them to barge into our home throughout the years with little notice and ME having to deal with the consequences of Daniel. (And myself!) Ariel and Joshua as well, but they do not respond in the same way and are easier to comfort.

I had it. 

I told David to go tell them, “No!” I went into an anger fest and told him to tell them, “Absolutely not! They have been disrupting our lives for over a month now. They have left us with no dishwasher for over a month and a broken icemaker for over a year. Just to name a couple of things. They have scheduled people to come then, they do not show up causing the kids and me to wait in anticipation and disrupting our school schedule, and our daily schedule! Then, they have sent people over unannounced, at random times disrupting our lives and school schedule. Now they want to come in and show the house on this short notice. NO!”

I told him if he didn’t go talk to the woman I was going to. 

You know it has to be bad if I am willing to get on the phone. I looked around at the house feeling hopeless. The house is not in horrible shape, but after four years of aggressive meltdowns, (Daniel was [sometimes still] unable to communicate his reasons for upset and that could [can] lead him into aggressive behavior.) well, I not only have regular cleaning, and maintenance to do, but we have to put doors back up, fill in and mend holes in the wall, fix cabinet doors, and take down certain safety precautions that have been put up. It was not happening by the AM today! I was not going to stay up all night trying to get this house ready.

They have three full more weeks to plan for people to come in. 

We already scheduled an inspection on June 11th. (I compromised last week! Again!) David ended up talking to them and they will come on Saturday instead. I will do what I can, but I am not going to cause myself to go into a meltdown or shutdown because of this. I can only do so much. This house is going to be filled quickly. It is a great house and an unbelievable price to rent. Even if they go up a little more there are no other houses on the market this size for such a bargain. It was the only way we could afford it.  Aaaaaa, sniffle, sniffle I am going to miss this house even though I can’t keep up with it. :-)

It will all work out. 

I still have this lingering anxiety about finding another house. I have so much to do and I am trying to focus. It is very hard to be able to do anything since I have not been able to recover from all of the stuff that has been going on for over a month now. Yesterday helped though. The day was great, and then, I decided I was not going to allow what these people have been doing to cause me to respond in a negative way. I decided and accepted that they need to compromise with us and work with us. I also decided that I am in control of my emotions, and though I will feel lingering effects from all of this, I am not controlled by them. I can take control of my thoughts and actions, and stay positive. (Serenity Now! Kidding, that didn’t end well. Lol!) I didn’t even share the story about Joshua peeing on me in the car yesterday. Nice. :-D

Hoochie Mama!! Hoochie Mama!! (Seinfeld reference – see above video for Serenity Now!)

I watched this  One Step to Rediscover the Meaning in Your Life (Video) I think it helped me. Much better than, Serenity Now! or Hoochie Mama! I admit the other two feel more fun to shout out and make me laugh. Hee hee

2 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
05/31/12

Angel’s Down! Boing She’s Up Again!

No worries, I am ok – just extremely fatigued. I am not negative looping, but I am “worry” looping. I do not even know how to word what I am trying say today. I do know that I need to write this stuff out to help me. The last few weeks have been non-stop stuff. Social stuff, emotional stuff, trying to move stuff, stuff, stuff, stuff. I like the word stuff. :-) (Double f) I have been doing pretty well.  After Sunday with the snake, and going to the movies, the next thing that went on was the realtor receiving the check for the deposit on the house and the contract coming our way. I ended up having several more questions, but also felt like everything was going smoothly so I should just go with it and did not think anything was wrong. However, you know that nudge you get sometimes? Well, I had it with no clarification and besides I just wanted a house so I could move forward.

The contract was sent on Tuesday and I read it once.

I started to sign it, but then hesitated. There were a couple of things that popped out, but they usually have these types of things in a lease so I didn’t think much of it. I had the house, it was done, so that meant I could move forward with all of the other plans I had floating in my head. I was making my lists and getting settled. However, I woke up yesterday morning and decided to read it again nothing major struck me, but I had the words “lead paint” flash through my head. I went to see when the house was built and it was 1962. They were using lead paint. I know my guys are over the standard age for some of the concerns of lead paint, but I am not willing to take any chances. I asked the realtor specific questions and basically made it clear that I needed honest answers. It was in the morning and they said they would get back to me.

In the mean time, the dishwasher guy showed up unannounced at 9 am.

He was here for three hours. Good news dishwasher is fixed. And to add to the entertainment one of the people in the neighborhood knocked on our door wanting to know if the Sears guy was the same one who set up her fridge the day before. She wouldn’t leave until she talked to the guy, and he informed her that she needed to call the number they had given her. He couldn’t do anything because he was the dishwasher guy. She was not even polite about banging on our door to try to take our maintenance person and seemed to think that we owed her entry into our home.

Doorbells, knocking, surprise visits, and an autistic child…

Um, yeah it was an entertaining morning. In the mean time, I was preparing the kids to go get their last rounds of vaccines. Ariel and Daniel had been filled with anxiety all morning. They were not scared only “nervous.” Nervousness around here consists of exciting days full of questions and children attached to my legs. :-) Joshua opted to take on the warrior role and he now feels he can conquer any shot.

“It was really quick! Just a poke and done!” Ha ha ha

We had to sit in the waiting room about an hour for no apparent reason, which caused me to get seriously overloaded because of the fluorescent lights, the designs on the carpet, the squeaky noisy chairs, the smells, EVERYTHING! If it was doing that to me, you can imagine what the kids were doing. Poor Ariel had worked herself into almost a panic. It was the anticipation and feeling the pain of the needle again even though she knew it would not hurt that badly. She clung to me and cried into my chest after it was over. I felt so horrible, but she was fine in a couple of minutes. I left her with David to take Daniel back and he tickled her which helped. Daniel and Joshua both were fine. Joshua came running out yelling, “I didn’t even cry!”

Daniel repeated that when he came out as well.

When we got home, I was spent between diverting meltdown madness with Daniel, Ariel’s anxiety, and Joshua’s excitement. I went to the computer to take a break and the realtor had sent me an email saying that they did not want to rent us a house unless it was built past 1978. (That is when lead paint was banned in the United States.) Well, that was that. No house. I was completely derailed. All of my plans, everything I had settled was now in a giant tornado in my head. I was looping and then, panicking because right before we came home we had given the written 30-day notice that we were leaving. I shutdown and was stuck. I went into a frenzy mode trying to find a house. I had all kinds of negative thoughts about failing and not being able to get anything accomplished. I did manage to shake those off quickly, and was able to let go of the house hunt because we had a bathtub toy fiasco.

Fiasco’s always help bring you back to reality – for a while.

I knew that I had to get to bed and recover because Daniel had his evaluation this morning. I could not sleep I woke up all night long afraid that I would not hear my alarm. Finally, I got up at 5:45 am so I would not worry any longer. Daniel and I went – the traffic was horrible. I was still in such a brain fuzz that I kept second-guessing myself on which way to go, but I did get there five minutes late due to bumper-to-bumper traffic. I didn’t get lost. YEA!

Daniel loved the women he met with.

He did not want to go home and wanted to stay there all day. I watched through a mirrored window when he was with the psychologist. I smiled the whole time because I could see all the progress compared to his last evaluation. I found it very interesting that while she was trying to get him to talk about his emotions he said things like, “I don’t know.” Or when she asked him, “What makes you happy?” He said, “Not spinning.”

She did not understand that at all.

I knew why he was saying that. It is because when he spins things too much it causes him to get over stimulated and his head hurts. He had been playing with a spinning top that was in the collection of toys she had and he had to put it away. I found it very interesting that when she asked him about the emotions of others, such as from stories, their pretend play, with people and then, a baby he knew their emotions spot on.

I also noticed how she missed many of his answers because he said them quietly.

He also, said them in his soft voice filled with giggles so she could not understand him, but he answered all of her questions. She had him make a birthday cake out of play dough for a baby doll and they had a party for her. She gave him four candles to put on the cake and asked him, “How old is the baby?” He said, “Zero.” She did not hear him and assumed that he was not answering – she led him in counting the candles and said that the baby was four years old. Daniel paused and looked confused for a moment, but was too happy and having fun so he said the baby was four.

The baby doll was an infant not an older baby so it didn’t make sense to him.

There were several things like that she seemed to miss, but she had another appointment so I couldn’t talk to her. I will wait until the next meeting to see if I need to bring these things up or not. At one point during their session, Daniel stopped looked at her and said, “I really like you.” Filled with giggles and smiles. He was giggling, smiling, hand flapping, rocking, and clapping the whole time. He was anxious-happy today.

The drive was about 45 minutes both ways so when I got home I was done.

He wanted to take a bath, and so did Joshua. Long story short Joshua had an accident in the tub – Daniel did not understand why I pulled him out of the tub and put him into the shower. Major meltdown, with me having to yell, “Daniel you didn’t do anything wrong. You are not in trouble!” Because I had already said that at least five times in a calm tone. With that, he stopped and asked me, “Why?” I told him he had to take a shower to get the poo water off of him. Needless to say, after I cleaned him, Joshua, the bathtub, and all of the toys that were in the tub fatigue took over.

I couldn’t do a thing the rest of the afternoon.

I heard someone knock at the door at around 4 pm and I couldn’t answer it. Ariel, Daniel, and I were all lying in bed. Ariel was reading. Joshua was playing some school games on the computer. I got up and yelled for David to please get the door. The thought of talking to anyone made me want to cry. It ended up being our neighbor, she just had her baby, and I felt awful for not being able to go see her, but I could not. I have just now found the strength to write this post to help me process, so I do not loop about the house issue.

There are other things lingering about that I cannot deal with at all at the moment.

The positive to all of this is that I have not had a complete meltdown, or shutdown. I did rest for while – my body basically forced me and my brain shutdown on me. I am not panicking about the move, but I am still a bit derailed. I am trying to help myself get back on track. The whole thing caused my packing and moving plans to feel useless, which is not true. I have to get over that line of thinking though and move forward.

I will, I just need a day to recoup.

It would help me greatly if the house thing was taken care of, but I am glad I listened to my gut. It would have been worse if we moved in, had problems, and then, were stuck. Another great thing is that one of the therapists gave me some resources to check out. I am going to look into them and see if they are worth sharing here. I confess I am a little amazed at the change in my attitude and my bounce back time. I have additional emotional processing that I am hoping to be able to write about soon regarding someone who used to be married to one of my family members. They killed themselves on Monday. Sorry for that down tidbit there, but I am not sure how I feel about it along with all of the other emotions that person’s life unlocks. I am exhausted, but I am not negative looping and I am at peace.

I read these links below yesterday morning – I cannot find who posted them now on FB. Urg!

Don’t Play the Victim Game
Victim playing

Signing off of here hoping for a house to come soon, and boinging to make me smile. :-)

4 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
05/18/12

Rambling, I Guess

Wow! My day was a whirlwind. I had a horrible day yesterday, it got better in the evening, but I was exhausted. I did go to the store, and got out of the house for a little bit to clear my head. It helped me a bit. I had the disappointment of discovering that the house I felt like was the house had been taken off the listing. Something inside told me that it was going to come back up though, and that it would be available.

The woman I had been in contact with shared another house, but there was no way it would work. 

I decided to just stop thinking about it, but then yesterday I got a little panicky because we have to get a truck and a plane ticket and start packing. I talked to my step mom and she was going to have her parents look around for me. My aunt finally got to look at the place and said it was a nice quiet neighborhood. That bummed me out more, and I told her that they had people planned on moving in June 1st.

During the day I had started to question my sanity. 

I started to feel hopeless for various reasons – it wasn’t just that. I was feeling very alone and isolated. My thoughts were starting to spin into not so happy places as I pulled into Target’s parking lot. I saw a huge crow flying across the sky pretty close, just gliding and it made me smile. I was wishing that I were a crow at that moment so I could fly and play in the sky. I hurried through Target and came out to the car seeing an “Infinity” in big orange letters on a truck next to me.

I did a double take because I thought it was for Xfinity (Comcast cable).

I saw infinity (I still don’t know if my eyes were messing with me.) and thought it was strange as a matter-of-fact I got annoyed. Two things that mean something to me that can usually make me feel comfort a crow and infinity. I was in such a foul mood that when I got in the car and saw 8:11 pm I rolled my eyes. Especially, since I had shared a poem I wrote about the number 11 with a friend on her blog earlier in the morning before my day was ruined. I laughed at everything and shook it off. I had to go to another store to get a few items and then I headed home.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I wandered over to my mom’s before going to the store. 

I needed to hang with my mom and sister for a while. They helped me get a clear head. On the way there, Guns N’ Roses-Civil War played on the radio. Their music is always good for me to listen to LOUD when I am upset. I guess this radio station really like them because after I left mom’s, and headed to the store they were playing Guns N’ Roses-November Rain. This band represents my hometown to me in a huge way. I thought it was odd, but did not think much else about it. I was feeling a little happy because my sister and I made plans to go see Dark Shadows next Sunday. We thought it would be fun since we both like darky type things. :-) (For those who do not know I was named after Angelique from the original Dark Shadows.)

I got home, checked my email, and had a few surprise emails to make me smile. 

One being the representative that I had been working with for the house. She said, “Good news Angel, the house is back on the listing and I thought you would be interested.” Yeppers! I contacted her right away via email and started the application process. Then, this morning we hit a few snags, but bottom line we just need to be approved and the house is ours. There should be no problems. She described the house for me in more detail and it sounds much like this one.

That made me happy. 

I ended up being on the phone with her this morning, chatting with my aunt on fb, talking to my step mom on the phone, then, the neighbor and her daughter came over for a couple of hours. It was all good. I have two solid days of social encounters and a major stressful event and I am doing pretty well. Maybe it’s the calm before the storm! Aaaaaaa!! I feel much better about the house though. It still could all fall through for some reason, but I really feel like this is the place.

I feel better getting closer to actual dates and being able to plan in more detail. 

I am so excited to see my aunt. I was a little worried about the woman that I had been conversing with from an autism group there. I ended up downloading a ton of information because she shared that insurance doesn’t cover many of the therapies there and she was interested in ABA therapy. Well that led me into a huge tangent about different therapies, and what I have done with Daniel, and all of the resource materials I have that could possibly help her. I only sent her two links – I was proud of myself. I normally send at least 5…ok, maybe 10. :-)

I did apologize in case I downloaded too much information. 

She emailed back and said that it was no problem, that she loves to hear what other parents are doing to help their children, and that she is looking forward to meeting me when we get there. WHAT? What a relief. I am in a little shock with all of this niceness going on. I will go with it though. I think it makes a difference that the people are more familiar to me there. I know how to talk to them a little better. I know how to fit in if I need to – not to stop being me… It is a little hard to explain.

I do the same thing in South Florida. 

I just understand it better. I felt the same way in Sweden when visiting. It felt foreign, but much more familiar. Here and in the West (I lived out there twice, both times I ended up in a depressive state.) I felt like an isolated alien who was going to crumble from constant confusion.  Yes, I guess I am rambling indeed.

Drifting back into moving. 

The kids are getting excited now. I have been showing them the house and talking about the plans in detail. I have been working on a time line for them. They are nervous, but excited at the same time. I have been showing them pictures of family that live there, and places that we will go to help them get familiar. I hope that, the more I do this the smoother it will be. Oh, boy I just got really tired. I guess I will stop my ramble, and go ramble with the kids a bit. :-)

1 person likes this post.
Unlike
Share
05/15/12

Here We Go!

Things have felt like a pressure cooker waiting to blow for months. This could make you think a multitude of things, but fear not this is not a bad post. I could possibly share a few panic moments in the process of writing this, but they are only fleeting and know that all is well. :-) I am writing out the positives so that I do not freak out about having to pack in the next month!

My search for houses has been short and hassle free. 

Once I seriously started looking, after discovering we had to have a house before we move to my hometown that is states and states away, I found one immediately. This happens to me every time I go looking, whether I am in town or not. I will see a house and know that it is mine. I just feel it. I did this with the picture of the house I saw and felt like it was it. I am still somewhat leery though. I asked my aunt to go check it out and we will see how that plays out. She is planning to go today.

The neighborhood is near where she used to live so it looks promising. 

It is 10 minutes away from her, my grandma, most of the stores I will frequent, and close enough, but far enough away from the expressway to work well. It is in a cul-de-sac, which I would like very much. So I will wait and see what auntie thinks and feels about it. I contacted the real estate agent and it seems all can go very smoothly as long as we put down our deposit we can hold it with no problem.

Everything is being pushed forward sooner because we discovered our current lease is up at the end of June. 

We thought it was July so now everything is becoming a reality. It is freaking me out! I am excited! I am scared! I am happy! I am so elated at all of the resources available for the kids in that area! OMG! I am going to be more social! Yea! I am going to be more social! Yikes! Wait! Ok, nervous breakdown. I am back. It seems like it is going to be a positive thing. So far, all of my interactions with people have been positive.

AND wait for it…The grocery stores carry WAY more gluten-free products than here! 

AND they have the Udi’s gluten-free bagels that I love, plus restaurants with gluten-free items, Oh, boy! Oh, boy! That lifts a small load off my shoulders. I know, I may sound silly, but food is a huge source of stress around here. The possibility of not having to go to five different stores and stay on top of bulk ordering through Amazon sounds so nice.

I am also excited because I discovered huge home school groups there!

They have coops that I can get involved with as well. The YMCA offers home school lessons for swimming, and other activities as well. Oh, goodness. There are several autism support groups in the area and an Easter Seals that offers certain programs as well. I am almost in tears thinking about all of this stuff. The possibility of having these things open to us is such a wonderful feeling. I hate to admit it though I am still a bit apprehensive and will not succumb to any actual joy until I see it.

I have been burned too many times over the years. 

I am not being too cynical or too hopeful just a right amount of “We’ll see.” :-) I do know that there is a lot more options available, and that in itself makes me have hope. I am planning to enroll the kids into virtual school this year to help us all stay on a better schedule. I will feel it out for a year, supplement where I think they may need and pick the brains of the teachers as much as possible while I have access to them!

I like the thought of having accountability and scheduled tasks. 

It helps me set goals and gives me a sense of achievement. I believe it will do the same for the kids. I like that the school; has virtual clubs, and offers specialized programs for child. They will even do IEP and schedule virtual therapies if needed. It is through the school system – I am still in the process of researching, but so far, I think it sounds pretty good. The school systems in my hometown are much better than here.

Although, they require nothing for home school requirements. 

I do not feel comfortable with that. I like someone coming in and checking on how my kids are learning, progressing, and sharing things that I need to work on to help them. I need that input. I know other people may not, but I do. We will need much more of a stable schedule and routine because David will be traveling much more and staying away for long stretches at a time. The kids will need as much stability as possible. It worked really well with him being gone this last time.

They adjusted much sooner.

We scheduled time in Google hangout to help them stay connected. They missed him, but they also felt much calmer with him being gone this time. I talked to them about him being gone more, and they were fine as long as they could see him and talk to him. It’s not the same for them of course, but at least they were able to adjust well. My mom has been supportive as much as she can be and I hate leaving her. I really do – it makes me so sad to leave her, my sisters, and my little nephew. I have to go though – this move has a purpose and goals.

Goals for me to gain my independence.

To work on gaining back some of my skills that I lost, gaining new skills, and self-confidence back. As well as reclaiming my past in a new positive light. I have been working on unthreading negative emotions linked to areas, places, and people – reminding myself of the positive ones. If I cannot think of any positive ones, I am overriding the negative associations with new positive ones. I am excited for the kids to get involved socially and taking them to the places that I loved as a kid. I cannot wait to share with them the adventures that my mom and I had when I was a child.

I think they will enjoy some of the things as much as I did (do). 

I realized that many of my negative associations are not even mine. They belong to my mom. She hates that town. She thinks that if she were to go back that she would be going backwards. She said that she would be stuck. I told her that was not true for me at all. She didn’t realize how her words had affected me and later said how those were her feelings for herself, not for me. After thinking about it more, I realized that all of my life my mom talked about what a horrible town it was.

She constantly spoke words of hatred toward it. 

It was very confusing because I had so many good memories. I grew up there. I also have many bad memories…I grew up there. That is what happens. There is a mixture of people who love or hate living there.  I understood for the first time that I am not attached either way. It is a place. It is not who I am. It does not dictate my attitude. It has no control over me. It is nothing, but a town and I can accomplish great things here or there or on the moon. I am free.

I am no longer going to listen to other people’s attitudes toward places. 

I have family who speak so negatively toward any place they live. I am not one to sit in a place and complain. If things aren’t working, I leave. I am not bound by anything, and once I have made my decision it always works out. I do not uproot in a whim. It may sound like it from what I just said, but I normally have been thinking about it for months or years. The only place that was an actual whim like adventure was when I moved with David to the West. I think we should have thought about that much more and planned better.

This place has not been working for a long time.

I have tried very hard to make it work. I love this house, the beach, the weather, and being close to my mom, but those things are not helping my children or me. So here we go off onto the next adventure. If it doesn’t work, well at least I know that every place I go and whatever decisions I make I always learn something and I am changed. These types of things make me a better person. I look forward to that – seeing what comes out of me next, and the anticipation of seeing how the kids grow and learn. I am so excited for them.

Onward and Upward! (I am wearing a cape!) 

5 people like this post.
Unlike
Share
09/18/11

Big Changes…Possibly

In one of my recent posts Aspie Isolation, I had mentioned that I dropped the ball with socializing for the kids. This is not true. After evaluating the last few years, I was able to see all of my many attempts to get them involved in activities and to get connected. I have done this for myself and I have done this for David as well. There are frustrations that I have with David about this that I have voiced on many occasions, he has shared his reasons as well as to why he is isolated around here. A lot of our isolation has to do with location.

We are very disconnected to the people in this area.

My mom and David both are prone to be isolators as well as myself so we are not good motivators for each other in this area. I am overly optimistic about new people, which can annoy them and lead me to unhealthy relationships. This puts them on the defense and watchful of the people that I chose to be around. I have learned my lesson in this area, there are very few people that I can have a relationship with in this town, I know that. It is a small town, with limited resources, knowledge, and acceptance of autism. It makes it very hard to participate in home school groups, churches, and social groups in general.

I am constantly trying to help people understand autism.

They really do not want to. The only group in our area is a group for “curing” autism and I cannot be a part of that group. There is no openness or acceptance of other opinions with that particular group. All of the social groups that I have tried, and the ones that I am currently trying to get Daniel into are about 45 minutes away or farther. Social groups after being in the car for that long for Daniel and myself may not work very well. I have been doing my part and getting frustrated and exhausted from my efforts to help my kids. I have also taken on the added stress of trying to get David social and my mom. They never asked me to, but I tend to do things like that because I want people connected and happy.

David is doing well in his writers group.

I am very happy about that because he is getting motivation and encouragement from the people in his group. It makes me feel like some stress is taken off of me to be honest. Even if he didn’t intend that stress  I still feel it. This town is very isolating because of location, beliefs, limited activities that we can do, and the people in general we just do not connect to. I lack support in any area here. We have found some great people in surrounding areas, but again it is difficult to drive for long distances all the time, especially when you have sensory issues and you and your kids can get car sick.

The big changes?

Well it looks as if we may be moving back to my hometown. I vowed to never go back, never! Every time I say never I always and I mean always have to eat my words. The town has changed a great deal since I lived there and it has a lot more to offer in many areas. There is a huge autism support and opportunities that I feel are a necessity for Daniel with him going to be 7 years old soon, he is transitioning and I need help. I have certain family members there who are very supportive, accepting, and respecting of our family’s lifestyle and needs. They are also great motivators for me and will not let me isolate in an unhealthy way. Being around more family could help them be more understanding and accepting of autism as well, who have not been in the past.

It is a college town and that opens a world of free thinking.

There are nice small coffee shops and artsy folk along with a boom of families that have moved into a certain area, where we would live, who are computer geeks (No offense, I like computer geeks, a lot. I’m a geek in my own right.) which could explain the large amount of the acceptance and support of autism, it could. Though it can be a bit on the conservative side many people are open and accepting of different views. I would be able to work part-time for an organization that I believe in and plays into my fitness and health passions. Along with volunteer work and being able to help others in general. Not to overextend myself, but I see where I really miss volunteering, helping people, and working.

My aunt is a leader in the children’s ministry.

They are trained and equipped to work with children with special needs at her church. I do not think that I am ready to go back to church. I am not sure that it is the best place for me, at least for a while. However, I have no problem with the kids going as long as they are not being taught some crazy theology. I know the church and they don’t do that so I think it would be a positive. Plus it is huge so there are many types of people and all of them are on different journeys, which I think is great. There are other factors that seem very positive and it is kind of exciting.

It is also very scary.

I do not want to leave my mom and I am hoping that possibly she would go back with us. She is not truly happy here. After being here for about 7 years, I think she still has not connected. She is in a job that is extremely taxing on her sensory issues and socially takes a lot out of her. She goes to church, but is not connected. Her main reason for not wanting to go is weather, she is terrified of snow and ice now. She hated it when she lived there and now that she has lived away from it for so long it has become a huge anxiety trigger. She doesn’t want to leave the beach. These were the reasons she gave me.

My reasons are similar for not wanting to go.

I am not scared of snow or ice, but the cold is very painful for me. I do not do well in the long winters with no sun. I like being able to pack up and go to the beach in 15 minutes. I like that it gets cold here, but that the sun still shines. Honestly though these are the only reasons. I know that changes need to be made. I know that I have got to get the kids around other kids and all of us have got to get connected to people. My decision cannot be solely based on weather. It makes me sad and happy. There are possibly more work opportunities for David, he could teach at one of the colleges possibly.

I don’t know there is just more options to us there.

I cannot move to another place where I do not know anyone, I need to get my footing back socially. I have to walk in my new self-awareness for a while in a safe place and with support before venturing to a new town or something. I know it won’t take me long, but it is needed to gain my confidence back. We wouldn’t be moving for about 9 months anyway so we have time to process, plan, and take care of business around here.

Like preparing Daniel for a move!

Yikes, it took months for him to get back to his “normal” state when we moved here. That doesn’t even include everyone else around here. The good thing is he knows the place that we would move to. He has been there, he likes it, and even though he was very young while we stayed there for over a month or so, he remembers every detail and person. Once he became more verbal he would tell me about it. He asked me questions about it and also told me about the people and places we went to. I had no idea he took it all in like that, he wasn’t talking and was focused on every ceiling fan he found.  We’ll see how this all plays out.

Any prayers, happy thoughts, positive energy, or thought into the universe for direction, wisdom, and clarity is greatly welcomed. :-)


 

 

Be the first to like.
Unlike
Share