05/10/13

Ha ha ha, Wait…

I am coming out of my overwhelmed state and feeling much more positive. I forget what stress does to me and when I cannot see any end or solutions, my mind starts to spiral. Thankfully, my exercise loop is back because it helps me a great deal emotionally, mentally, and physically. Exercise is a lifelong special interest of mine, but if I become bombarded with daily life, I can lose my drive to keep on doing it. I also, know that I can become obsessive about it so I have to keep a steady balance.

BUT it makes me feel so good!

I have started to work out on a daily basis, even if I can only fit in 20 minutes of cardio, but throughout the day, I am doing push-ups, scissors, jumping jacks, crab crawls, whatever it takes to give me that boost to push through the muddledness that tries to take over. This has proven to help me – sometimes for only a short period, but it is enough to get things done. I had not thought about any physical goals with starting my workouts back up, until I started to feel my body get stronger. It has taken several weeks, but I am feeling the difference in my workout.

I am able to do 10 real push-ups!

That is huge for me because my upper body strength has always been a challenge. This past Monday I was able to do things in my spin (cycle) class that I have not been able to before. My body has not felt this strong in years. My new strength strangely makes me feel more confident and self-assured too. Self-assured for me means that I do not think about my “oddness, possible inappropriateness, and/or quirks.” That is until it is brought to my attention. I had not initially meant to talk about my workout stuff.

My original thoughts had to do with last night at my Piloxing class.

The other night I did not get any alone time, last night I needed to work out even though I did not feel like it at all. (Ariel came with me so technically I still have not had any alone time, I am taking some time today and doing whatever I want!) I did not mention this in my last post, but Daniel will not go to bed without me again. He is refusing to leave me and for the past couple weeks Ariel is waking up in the middle of the night and coming to bed with me too.

I have not slept very well being sandwiched between Daniel and Ariel. :-/

I digress. I arrived a little early to class, the instructor and several other women were sitting outside waiting for the other class to finish so we could go in. The instructor is a lovely woman; I really like her bubbly and happy attitude. She is not fake about it and she is not over the top, she feels very genuine. However, last night I was not in the mood. Everyone was quiet except for her and another woman. The instructor realized that their conversation was rather exclusive so she tried to spark up conversations with the rest of us. She asked, “So how is everyone’s week going?” All the women said things like, “Good, fine, everything is going good.”

I could not do it.

I was not smiling, I looked at her trying to get something positive to come out of my mouth, but I could not. Right before I left the house, I was trying to comfort Daniel because of something that triggered him. It does not bode well for me to go into a social setting right after Daniel has had a difficult time. I was in recovery myself. She could tell that I was not too zealous about the week and she asked, “Is your son still having a difficult time?” This sank in my gut triggering the week prior when my aunt had walked by and asked in front of all the women, “How is Daniel? Is he still melting down?’ I knew that she was concerned and was trying to be supportive so I was not offended or upset, but I had panic run through my body and mind because she said it in front of all the women. (If she said it to only me I would not have thought about it at all, that is how we talk to each other.)

All of the women looked at me oddly and I said something like, “Yes, he is still having a rough time.”

They looked at me as if waiting for more details, but I would (could) not say anything else. I found myself holding back the words “He is Autistic.” There were (are) several reasons, 1) I do not want “meltdowns” associated with my son because he is such a sweetheart. He is gentle, kind, and caring much of the time. 2) I normally know the triggers of the how’s and why’s of his meltdowns.

I would end up going to great lengths explaining why he is having these difficulties and people really do not want to hear it.

3) Media has tainted Autism in such negative ways that I never know how people will respond when they hear that my son is Autistic. 4) I sure as heck do not want to encounter someone telling me that it is vaccines, my bad parenting, demons, and/or he can be cured in an instant with coconut oil. Yes, people have said these things to me in real life so I am a bit apprehensive in sharing about my son. (I am not even at a place to consider sharing that I am Autistic.)

It has nothing to do with shame; frankly, I do not have the energy to take on those types of things right now.

5) I want a safe place! I want to go to a place where I can let go of all of the stuff going on in my life and enjoy myself. I have fun working out. The harder it is the better I feel. I start laughing when it gets really tough. It releases some sort of “happy juice” in me when I feel as though my body cannot go any farther. Then, I feel this intense “RAWR!” inside my head and I push forward breaking my own boundaries. I compete with myself and try to push myself harder and harder each time. 6) I do not want people’s sympathies. Those who understand the challenges my son and I go through is enough for me.

When I read from another parent who is or has gone through some of these experiences it gives me hope.

It reminds me that I am not alone. It reminds me that others are struggling too and they got through it. It reminds me that I have gone through it before or it paves the way of understanding when/if it happens in my life. Those who have not been through it cannot comfort me. It does not help me to hear a parent of “normal” children try to find comparisons to make me feel better. They are not the same. I do appreciate their efforts in trying to relate and be sympathetic, but it only enhances my feelings of isolation.

Those are a few reasons why I do not want to share with people.

Back to the story… She felt uncomfortable with my respond and moved on. She then, said, “Be sure to invite your friends here because we need to have eight people each week to keep the class going.”

Everyone was silent and looking down.

She said it another two times and then, looked at me. Without a thought the words blurted out, “I do not have any friends. If I did I would invite them because I love this class.” She looked at me and laughed saying, “Oh come on.” I looked at her matter-of-factly, “I really do not have any friends.” Realizing that my words were causing EVERYONE to feel uncomfortable, but not really understanding why, I said, “I just moved here and have not had opportunities to meet people.”

At this point, my aunt was walking by and I felt that I had to say something.

I blurted out, “She is my friend, but she teaches on Thursdays so she cannot come.” My aunt stopped and said, “What?” I told her what I had said, and she immediately took over. I knew that I had said something that seemed wrong, but I was not sure why it was wrong. I reached out to my aunt because I knew that she could help fix whatever “social faux pas” I had done. I knew that I needed a good reason for not having any friends because of experiences, being in very similar situations. My aunt did take over and gave more clarity about my move and not having time until recently, and that I have not had time to make connections. That is partially true.

I could feel the air in the hallway a little bit heavier, but still not sure why.

The conversation dwindled, I felt awkward and sad, but could not think of what was making me feel that way. I later understood that what I was feeling was the emotions from the other women. They felt sad for me not having any friends. However, it took all night to process that for me to understand that sadness and that it was not my sadness. Then, it was time to start class. There is one woman who has been friendly toward me, I finally realized that I had briefly talked to her the night I went into Zumba instead of spin class. (No bikes were available.)

She has sparked up “Hello’s, how are you doing? and you should try such and such class.” several times.

I did not understand why she acted as if she knew me, but I realized that she was being nice and seems to be similar to the instructor with wanting to talk and be nice. I like her too. I have tried to talk to her more, working on my social anxieties. Last week she suggested that I try the Zumba class on Wednesdays and she commented on how much I seem to enjoy the classes.

It’s true, I seem to be the only one in them laughing, and smiling while, others look like they are in pain.

It made me wonder about my past self-harm behaviors. They made me feel better, they made me feel, they caused some form of “feel good” trigger that others could not understand. Intense workouts seems to do the same type of thing. Interesting… It is definitely a much better coping mechanism. Sorry, I am all over the place on this post. I share my interaction with her because after class I tried to talk to her again. There were several things that felt awkward, but I did not know what they were or why, again.

Until, I was in the car on my way home.

I felt much better after leaving; Ariel had fun in the activity center so I was happy about that. As we sat at a stop light I started laughing hard, saying aloud, “Oh, my gosh I feel embarrassed.” Ariel asked me about what. I shared with her what I had said about not having friends and then, realizing that everyone was looking at me oddly because people do not usually say those types of things. I then, realized that some of them were looking at me with faces that may have been “I feel sorry for you” types of looks or something. It made me feel sad.

I laughed again thinking how funny I sounded being so matter-of-fact about not having friends.

I thought how confusing it must have been for the ladies because my expression was stoic. I was not sad it was simply the truth. In my mind, I would love to invite more people because I never want the class to end – EVER! (Unless I get bored and find another workout. ) However, I was struck again with embarrassment and sadness. (All of this through the eight stop lights on the way home.) I had every moment when I have been asked to “invite friends” to some sort of function flood my brain along with the emotions. At school, at work, at church, to parties, now at the Y. I have not had friends to invite. Either I only had one friend, who may or may not have been interested in what I was doing or I had no one.

I thought how silly I would have sounded to the women had I shared the whole truth, I have no friends, except online.

“Yes, ladies my only friendships live hundreds or thousands of miles away in other states and countries, who may or may not be using their real names!” AND I LIKE IT! Don’t get me wrong, I do want friends in real life. I live in a constant conundrum of longing to have a friend in real life and enjoying my solitude. There are days when I desperately wished I had someone to come over to my house that would just help me as friends do, or comfort me when nothing else can. However, in my experience I tend to take on the role of “comforter, helper, problem solver” for them. It drains me and tires me leaving me unable to share anything that I am going through.

I do not feel sad about not having friends until I am asked to invite them somewhere.

That goes for social media too. I do have several “friends” on my facebook pages, but when I am asked to invite people or share, I get that same awkward feeling and my head fills with the words, “I have no friends.” I feel sad about that too, but once again I am not exactly sure why. I see other people who I follow that have a TON of “friends” and it makes me wonder why I do not.

Is it because I am not able to maintain my social interactions?

Is it because people genuinely do not like me? Is it because no one can relate to me? Is it because they are just not interested in me? Are these the reasons why I do not have friends in real life? Am I too strange, awkward, and/or arrogant? I ask these types of questions without any emotion. Sometimes I am overcome with emotions when I think if it other times, like today it is merely wonderment. I do not feel badly, I just do not understand nor do I know how to change it.

I still find my social awkwardness funny, despite all the other emotions that it stirs up.

I am not sure if others know what I am talking about, it would be nice to know if anyone else feels these types of things. I wonder if there are others who feel that constant confusion of feeling lonely, but liking to be alone. I do wish that I had someone else with me at times to point out these awkward situations to help me process and guide me into feeling ok about it. I will do it on my own, or I will be remaining oblivious, as I have done in the past, but every once in awhile I really wish I had someone to share this stuff with, another socially awkward person perhaps? Another introvert type that could make me laugh when I say inappropriate things?

Hey, is anyone willing to Skype with me to my next Piloxing class? Ha ha ha

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery II

I did not recognize it until the next day, but I went into PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms. Anxiety filled me, as well as irritability, I was shaking/shivering, cold, nauseous and I started to fixate on facebook. I made myself get off, I had tears, all the sudden I felt ugly, worthless, depressed, panicked at noise, everything became loud and buzzing. I could not eat and I could not sleep. I felt alone and scared. It was not until the next morning that it all made sense when I was still having those symptoms. They were intensified because I had not slept in a couple of days and because of my confusing interaction with Joshua’s teacher, but at least I was able to understand what was happening.

My high school days were some of the most painful and confusing times.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years of my stint in that school. However, I was unaware that I was being abused. I knew that my unnameable fears and anxieties were at high levels during that time. I was stalked; my personal space and time were continually violated. Other girls who called me things like “slut” and “whore” bullied me. There were rumors spread about me that were vile, I found out later that my boyfriend said many of them at the time, or my so called friends. While I sat at home babysitting my sisters taking care of the household because my mom worked 50-60 hours a week, and my step dad at the time was a drug using, drug selling, womanizing lazy jerk, there were claims that I was out partying and hooking up with numerous guys. Nice.

Many other things happened too.

I felt like I had to continually watch my back. Several girls hated me and I did not know why. Many guys confused me. My teachers did not change their attitude toward me either. I had two teachers who ever said anything positive to me. My U.S. History teacher, who said that he knew that I was much smarter than I let on and my literature teacher who said she wanted to see me in advanced literature. She was impressed with my writing skills and with my major assignment that I did on “Death.” My economics teacher did compliment me because of my hard work on a stock exchange project we did. I did get an award for that – I just remembered that.

It is hard to remember any good memories because there were so many traumatic ones.

In my home life, my social life, and at school. I had no safe place anywhere. I was in the vice-principles office often. Either for skipping class or smoking. I was in the nurses office a lot too because I always felt sick. They never asked me why, they always assumed I just did not want to go to class because I was a delinquent. I could not tell them that a math teacher made fun of me all the time in front of the class. He was the football coach and found it amusing to mock me when I asked questions. I could not tell them that the P.E. teacher found it amusing to measure my BMI and then proceed to call me obese. (He said that he was joking.) When I was maybe 120 pounds. That was a great thing to say to a teenage girl who had a boyfriend who was already calling her fat.

I dropped down to 100 pound by the next years.

I could not tell them that I skipped and hid in the bathroom because I found a huge bag of marijuana in my step dad’s coat pocket one day and I just needed to be alone to try and process what to do. Or that my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him. Or that my mom woke me up at three in the morning demanding that I do the dishes even though we had no dish soap so I was forced to use powdered laundry detergent. I could not tell them that the boys made derogatory comments to me that half the time I did not understand so I did not want to be in class. I could not tell them that several girls in another class that I was in threatened me.

No one listened and I did not know how to be heard.

When I tried to tell my story, they did not believe me or thought that I was being unruly because I could not get my words out. This caused me to have meltdowns, one major one with screaming, hitting, and raging in the office. IN ADDITION, when that happened I recall at least once being asked if I was having my period. That is not even the half of my life that happened while in that school. I understood how important it was for me to go and turn my thoughts into positives. I really wanted to see my niece perform. I wanted to be there for my sister, and I wanted to see my dad and step mom. I decided this time around I was not going to internalize my fears. I shared a little on facebook to get it out. It gave me the strength to text my dad and tell him that I was having problems because of all the negatives I had associated with that place.

Thankfully, he was supportive along with my sister and step mom.

They did not make a big deal out of it, but I could tell they were trying to “be there” for me. My dad met us in the parking lot. The school looked so tiny and not scary at all. It felt very different walking in there with my kids. It had only a momentary affect on me. When I looked down the hallways, my lung filled with heavy air. It smelled the same; I saw my locker when I was a senior. I saw the hallway where my other locker was when I was a freshman. The foreboding left as quickly as it came when I walked into the auditorium. It was where I had been in a beauty pageant. I discovered that pageants were not my type of thing, but I had positive memories of that day. I had memories flood of when I was in choir and my performances.

Eww, and that horrible electric blue dress we all had to wear that one year!

It made me laugh. We sat into the front row and all three kids did great. They sat the entire time and relaxed in the semi-dark to some tunes. Daniel asked a bunch of questions, but he did an amazing job at sitting there and trying to be quiet. He enjoyed himself. During the performance, I noticed that the woman I had talked to about music therapy was there. She recognized me and came up to me afterwards. She said that they have been working on a project to start “Sensory Friendly” concerts. She said, after watching Daniel she knew that it would be a great project to start. We talked for a little bit longer about the summer schedule for music therapy and went on our way.

It was a positive social interaction for me (with a woman) in my old school.

The whole thing was positive. When we were leaving, my dad decided that he wanted a picture of my locker on the way out. Another guy, went by the lockers with his wife and he had the locker next to me. I did not remember him at all so I think he was a couple of years before me, but I am not sure. I am not sure I would remember many faces from my school days. I took a picture of the kids in the hallway to help melt away the past memories of those hallways being filled with negatives.

Their smiling faces consumed them.

I walked out feeling a little more whole than I had before. It felt good. I could finally, look at the building and feel peace. I feel a little teary eyed right now in a strange sort of way. It feels as though I have lost a large chunk of my identity, but that I have gained a large part at the same time. I think I am going to be able to pull out some positive memories from school soon, after all of these negatives ones settle their voices. I knew coming back home was going to be challenging and liberating – I am glad that I am here.

A few resources.

Psychological and Behavioral Impact of Trauma: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

Signs of Trauma in Children

Types of Traumatic Stress

Happy pictures!

[Show as slideshow]

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me. It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

It was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/21/13

I’m Too Tired… Product Of Overload

I was going to attempt to finish the post I was working on, but my brain is just too exhausted. I am fighting with an array of emotions for many different things. This week was a rough one for Daniel. He refused my help on several days, and I was not able to bring any peace. This can make me fall into sadness and negative thoughts. The reason is that I get overwhelmed with thoughts like, “I am the only one who knows how to help him and if I can’t then what?”

I have fears run through my head about never finding a positive solution to help him.

I know that this is not true. However, when I do not get sleep, breaks, and the school schedule is overwhelming for the week, I get tired. As I write this I seem to have an apologetic tone. In a way, I do feel like I should apologize. I have this feeling that I should be sorry for not having all that it takes to be a parent that is fully capable of handling every situation that arises. That sounds ludicrous writing it out, but I am sure I am not the only mother who has or has had those thoughts.

I have given my energy to helping all three of my children and doing my daily tasks.

I should not feel as though I am less for not being “spot on” with everything this week. Sometimes I have no idea what Daniel needs, MOST of the time I do. However, those times when I think of everything possible, I do everything I can think of, and then, go in search of answers and still find none, those days seem to wipe out all the other days that I do have the answers and can help him. He is much better today and this week looks promising. I am drained and quite honestly ready for school to be over.

I need a boost to get me motivated for the last couple of weeks of school.

It is not helping that I am extremely frustrated with standardized testing. I have read entirely too much about it the last three days and it is getting to me. I think if I take the rest of the day off from thinking about school stuff tomorrow and reading that information I will do much better. I hope. I need a break from negative language starting from how people talk about themselves or our world, to how people talk negatively about autism. I thought about what could have happened to Daniel this week if he was in a school setting.

I thought about how he could have been treated.

I thought about how people would have perceived him had they witnessed what he was going through. I knew that most likely they would not have considered all that he had done in the two weeks prior. Not because they are inconsiderate, but because the way we process and are affected by change, environments, sensory stimulation, and social dynamics are so foreign to them that those things would not be in the forefront of their minds. They would not have considered all of the social activities he had done. They would not have considered everything that he was still processing from all those situations. They would not have thought about all of the sensory input and social settings that his brain was still pondering.

Without clear context for some because many of them were new for him.

They would not have considered the weather changes, pollen floating around, or how the pressure changes affect him. They may have thought that he was being unruly and obstinate by refusing to take his tests or work on his research paper. Tests that are about 50 questions with reading comprehension and math problems that he has not done before. A research paper that I have had to convince him repeatedly to work on over the course of several months that is due soon. He still sees no purpose in it and this coming week I have to find a way to convince him to try to write a few paragraphs of it.

Sigh… that makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.

He is feeling better, to force him to do so much handwriting, well that could be too much. Granted he has had several months to work on this, but it is a challenge to convince him to do assignments unless he finds a good reason for it. I tried many different ideas and repeated some. The one that worked this time was reminding him how much he loves sea turtles. I hope it lasts through the writing part. I could be wrong about how he may have been treated. We could find a great school staffed with grand teachers who are able to devote such time and energy on thinking about my son’s needs and how his brain processes.

It is not out of the question.

The reality is even the best teachers are not always equipped with the time or resources for that. These thoughts do ring through my head because when I cannot help him, I begin to question whether homeschooling is the best for him. When I thought about all of that, the one thing that did help him when nothing else could was reminding him that it was ok. When he said things like, “Why do I do this?” I explained to him how he is affected by all of those I mentioned earlier. It helped to understand that nothing was wrong with him, we just needed to find better ways to help him decompress. Some of his behaviors were not ok and the positive is that he knew that.

He tried very hard not to fall into them.

When he did, he apologized or said that he did not know what else to do. Now that is HUGE progress. I can understand not knowing what else to do. I can understand much of what he was feeling; I only wish I had the answers to help this week so that both of us could have had a better week. The most important things that happened this week was that Daniel knew that he was accepted no matter what and that he was understood. The week is over, we are moving on, I had to process, (I have my own overloadeness that needs to be processed as well.) and now I am letting it go. All is good despite the freaky weather! (Ariel and Joshua did just fine, they each got extra alone time with me or David. I have found that helps a lot when we are having a rough week.)

Picture time.

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04/17/13

Book Review

I was asked to review Asperger’s Sibling Support: 15 Practical Tips for Parents/Caregivers. The book was written by Trish Thorpe. It is written from her experience being the younger sibling of an Aspergers sibling.

I was very interested in reading it because I have my own concerns and challenges with raising three children. One diagnosed with Autism and my other two who show many traits. While they are most likely on the Autism spectrum, (working on diagnosis) there are similar issues that happen in a family with Autistic and non-autistic siblings.

As I read the book, I did have to pull out of my own Aspergers thinking and not take words literally or personally. I think that is a good thing. When I read her words, I was able to see from her perspective as well as place others who are in my own life into her position. In doing so, I was able to see how much of her heart to share and help others was written into this book. I share that because there is much talk about how Aspergers/Autistics are perceived as people that lack empathy. It is a touchy subject and it is addressed in the book briefly.

My personal experience reveals otherwise, however, from others my actions and behaviors have been perceived as lacking empathy. In every case, we are individuals and express ourselves in unique ways.

I felt that the book was an excellent guide to help with children, especially younger ones, in order to help them to understand their world with an Aspergers sibling. I think it is a beneficial tool for parents to help know how to communicate to their children about Aspergers; the challenges and the benefits of Aspergers.

It gives great bullet points and short precise helps. The book shares simple examples that can be applied quickly and with ease. It gives insights as to how to help better understand and have compassion for their sibling with Aspergers, but it also addresses that the needs of non-autistic siblings should not be ignored. I think that is extremely important too.

I believe this would be a great book for anyone who has a child(ren) on the spectrum to help them know how to communicate to their other children. It may be a useful guide to teachers as well.

I really liked the way that she was positive and gave more resources to help seek support for siblings.

I have linked above to her book and website for more information.

Go check it out!

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists, teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself!

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well.

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled!

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04/5/13

Celebrate Good Times, Come on …

I am quite chipper today. I have a huge sense of accomplishment in multiple areas of my life. I feel like celebrating it! I feel much better about Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month. I am excited about all of things that have been happening. (Look here Autism Acceptance Month.) I dealt with my personal issues and anxieties. I finally, came to the conclusion and acceptance, once again, that I will never make everyone happy.

I will participate in my way and not feel badly about how I contribute.

I think my fears are triggered by the familiar feelings that I have from church settings. (long story) I have moments when I feel as though I am an Autistic and Autistic parent who does not belong in the Autism community, and other times I am overwhelmed with understanding, belonging, and acceptance. I am not sure how to articulate those feelings very well.

I am not sure if others feel that way too, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I believe I have written about it before, however, my mind is spinning with all sorts’ positivity. This week I FINALLY fulfilled many of the goals that I have been talking (writing) about for what has seemed like decades. I got Ariel and Joshua signed up for gymnastics, which will start next Saturday. While they are doing that Daniel and I will enjoy some swimming action. I signed Ariel up for gymnastic camp and Joshua into basketball camp for the summer. Daniel is signed up for Music Therapy social group for the summer session. I am waiting on his evaluation to determine if he qualifies for a Medicaid Waiver.

I hope he qualifies because his therapies will end when school ends.

The Music Therapy is covered under the waiver. They provide OT, Speech, academic helps, reading, sensory integration, as well as use the social groups to connect all aspects of the therapies. He would receive an individualized evaluation to work on his specific needs. It would be so perfect for him. He is naturally drawn to music and he uses it to help him process what he learns already. He loves everything about instruments, sounds, rhythms, beats, and on and on. He has taught himself several songs on the keyboard. He keeps asking for a “real” piano. I am keeping my eyes open for some great miracle of a bargain in hopes that something may pop up.

I also, registered Ariel into fine arts classes with a home school co-op.

She will be learning from a technically trained artist for drawing and painting 101. I think this will help her with her natural talents as an artist. She also decided to take Beginning Strings, which is taught by an instructor who holds a Master of Music and Suzuki Pedagogy. We will see how everything goes. It is fantastic to be able to experience these things. I admit I was a little concerned, I have seen some home school co-ops that have not been as professional. Not all are alike and I am NOT generalizing, but still I am not going to pour money into something unless it is worthwhile and will be beneficial to my child’s learning.

I think you know what I am trying to say. (I mean no disrespect to anyone, please know that.)

The woman I spoke with said that there are many girls her age taking the classes. Ariel and I are elated! She has been asking to make friends with girls, but it just has not worked out. I have been taking her with me Monday and Thursday nights to the YMCA to hang out with other kids. It has boosted her spirits. She really needs some time of her own away from the boys. She has been requesting it and I am happy to have a place to take her that she is enjoying.

I am amazed at my sudden fearlessness.

It is as if something has clicked. I have gained a whole new voice and perspective about myself. I have surprised myself at how outgoing I have been. I do know that I can be very outgoing, but then, be extremely introverted as well. Being introverted does not mean being shy or unable to be outgoing. I have noticed that after my social encounters I have taken the down time that I need. For instance, when I come home, after getting everyone else undressed, re-clothed, and taken care of, I take about 15 minutes to myself. This has made a huge difference in my stress and anxieties. I have also stopped worrying about what people are doing, or “trying” to tell me.

I assume that if they have something to tell me they will.

If they do not and expect me to “read” between the lines, that is their problem. I have no time for that stuff. I will no longer spend unnecessary energy on trying to figure out the communication twistings of others. It is their responsibility to tell me what they want me to know. If they expect me to read their mind, well that is simply unrealistic. I have taken on that mindset in my closer social circles. When I meet new people, I now go in not worrying about whether or not they will accept me. I go in with a positive hopeful attitude. If they like me and want to get to know me, great. If not, oh, well. I have boundaries and understand how to use them now.

Before I was desperately seeking for people to understand me, accept me, and acknowledge me!

The root of this issue was that I had not done those things for myself. I had been swallowed up in searching for an identity through others without realizing it. It is good to receive those things from others, but I should not look to others for them. Much of it had to do with being confused for so long about who I was and why I thought so differently from others. Why was I such an odd, quirky individual who did not even seem to fit in with other odd, quirky individuals? I have concluded that some days I feel perfectly fine in my own skin and other days I do not.

There are times when I can be extremely social and outgoing.

There are other times when I cannot. I will go with each cycle of myself and live happily accepting all of my different ways of being. Currently, I am in an outgoing, adventurous type of cycle. While I am in this cycle, I will get as many goals accomplished as possible. I will try what I want to during this time because it will give me the foundation of doing those things when I feel less adventurous. (lessening my anxiety in some ways) On Monday, I got to my cycle class late and all of the bikes were full. I looked at my aunt and said, “Bummer.” Then, walked down the hall to the next class, thought it was Zumba and decided to find out.

I walked in and asked what class it was; she said that it was Zumba.

I decided to give it a try. It was fantastic. I met several ladies that were very nice. I enjoyed myself and actually did not mind that much that I was in a room with a bunch of sweaty women, looking at a wall of mirrors! In the past, I would have gone home after missing out on the cycle class. I know I would have felt deflated. I did not this week, and last night I got to do Piloxing for the first time. Guess what? I love it! I will be going to spin class and Piloxing on a regular basis. That has changed too. I AM doing things for myself and doing things that I enjoy.

I am not only voicing when I need a break, I am saying, “I am taking a break.”

I am not sure if this side of me will be tired out by tomorrow after my family throws me my birthday party. My dad chose this week because last week was Easter and that would not work out for all of us. So tomorrow, I have family coming in, the party will be at my aunt’s house, and we will have another social event. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be good. Easter went great and we all had a great time. No meltdowns and it was very enjoyable. Daniel played on their piano most of the time.

I know that I will need to take more down time after this weekend.

I have been going for two weeks straight with all sorts of new things and social situations. Yesterday, I took the kids to get their eye exams. I am so thrilled with how well it went. The doctor and nurse were perfect. They were so accommodating. They explained every detail for the kids as well as for me. They answered the plethora of questions that each of them had. I really appreciate it when people address my children with respect like that. The kids and I had fun; it was getting to be a bit too much for Daniel and Joshua after a while. We were there for almost three hours. However, all went well and we took the day to recuperate.

Ariel and Daniel are getting glasses.

Daniel is not too excited about wearing them. That may be a challenge. It all feels surreal. The kids and I have been doing so many more things out of the house and it has not made things worse. We seem to be much happier and calmer. Who would have though? And now I will celebrate these good times because as you know, it could change at any moment. Not that I am expecting horrible things, I am only expecting the best, preparing for the possibility of the worst, and enjoying all the great along the way! There are more things to write about, but I seem to be too babbly even for myself. I’ve been this way for a couple of days …

I will celebrate the last two weeks and the major changes in myself!

Go Kool & The Gang! Lol!

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04/1/13

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day (Month, Lifetime!)

Hello folks! This year I have found myself feeling the anxiety of the month of April on the first day of March. I do not do well with tension and now that is what Autism Awareness Month represents to me. I already struggle terribly with social situations and relationships. I have had to muddle through all sorts of emotions when it comes to the Autism Community. I have had such penetrating feelings of isolation and belonging that at times I have to walk away to gain my clarity of mind once again. My own journey started with Autism awareness transitioning into acceptance not only for my son, but come to find out for myself!

When Autism came into our vocabulary, it was new.

I had virtually no knowledge of Autism whatsoever. I had to research, process, dissect, dismantle, research more, and break down an entire mental perspective, process, loop, more looping so on, and so forth. It has taken time, it will continue. I had no idea that my life would become a daily process filled with Autism awareness and acceptance. We are all at different journeys in this process. We all have our unique perspective that is influenced by many factors. I write about my journey and my perspective it is different from my Autistic peers in many ways and it is similar in many ways. I share my perspective as a parent of an Autistic child, some autistic mothers may relate some may not.

I have had to and still am in the process of accepting that I am Autistic.

This is not a bad thing, it has given me such a new outlook on life, and how I see other people and my world. It has answered so many questions that I had about myself. It does not dismiss my challenges or my past that is filled with pains and scars. There are some days that I feel angry because had someone diagnosed me early on my life could have been much different. However, there are no guarantees that it would have been for the better, it could have caused even more struggles. There is no peace in “what could have been’s.” What we do have is the here and now.

And we can do a lot with that.

This year I have realized that I have more empathy toward those who have no knowledge of Autism, or those who are struggling with accepting that it is a part of their life. I relate in new ways to a person realizing that, they are Autistic, through self-diagnosis or receiving their “official” diagnosis. I see with a different perspective the parents who have just learned that their child is Autistic. I think about how they make their choices to take on the journey of “fighting” it or embracing it. I have come to a place of looking back at my own experience and can apply understanding to others that I could not before.

I am obviously on the side of acceptance, but I will not attack a person who does not agree with me.

I do not have to agree with you to have empathy. I can understand because I have had to go through my own process. In the beginning, it was becoming aware. At times, I become amazed at my own ignorance (may sound harsh) in believing that people know about Autism. I have been baffled when I hear or read people talk about Autism and it feels like the Dark Ages. The reality is many people still do not have an accurate awareness about Autism. There are still many misconceptions, myths, and distorted perceptions.

Media and campaigns are not always the most accurate outlets.

However, they are springboards for getting information out there. In this past year, I have seen many more Autistics writing and sharing their personal journeys. I have read many more blogs from parents who focus on the positives of their child’s (rens) autism. I have read more websites that are focusing on the needs of Autistic children (still we need more focus on needs and helps for children and parents) and slowly there are some for adults. We still have quite a ways to go for Autistic adults; I am struggling with that myself. I need assistance and help in certain areas of my life, but I cannot get it.

The positive is that I am finding resources for my son.

I am thankful for the virtual school because they have made it possible for him to have therapies that my husband’s insurance does not cover, and unfortunately, we make too much to qualify for assistance, but not enough to pay for them out of pocket. Therefore, I keep getting creative and try to find ways to get him what he needs. I see both the positive and the negative and I still hold onto hope. Some days not so much, but today I see the light. (It is not blue. A joke, relax!)

I am not sure if my post is expressing what I had hoped it would.

However, I want this month to be a positive experience this year. I do not want to get to April next year and feel that tinge in my heart and the stone in my gut. I am going to take this month as I do each month and write what I am dealing with, our family adventures, our challenges and our GREAT days, and most of all continue to share my Autistic perspective. I can only hope that my openness and experiences that I share on my blog will move people to be more open to the possibility that no matter where we are at on the spectrum our challenges and needs are valid and need to move from awareness, acceptance, and to more action.

I do not want to be filled with anxiety this whole month.

I will not argue, or demand that people share my point of view. I will continue to do what I have done all along, share my Autistic life spreading awareness, hoping for acceptance, longing for action, and support those within my community. There are plenty of people who are sharing some great posts this year. I hope people will wander and meander to read the different perspectives with openness and acceptance all around. I will once again share an older post because I still feel the same, pretty much. Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance (Every) Day!

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03/30/13

Birthday Exhaustion

Heads up, this is a rambly post. Its purpose is to share all of the social and sensory extravaganza that has been going on. Amazingly, we are all holding up and no meltdowns. However, I do expect that some may arrive in this coming week. After writing this out, I realize that we have been and will be stretched. It is good, but it will also require a lot of downtime for each of us.

Ok, now onto my ramblings and musing.

Yes! I am still talking about my birthday. I love birthdays. I love my birthday. Some people do not get into the whole birthday thing. I cannot say that I truly “get” into it because I do not ask for presents and I really do not mind if I do not get anything. I have made my own birthday cake for a long time now, if I decide that I want a cake.

I mainly make a big ta-do for the kids.

Still I do enjoy the day of me being born. I wrote a post that I will share, again; for any of my new followers that explains why my birthday is a big deal for me. AND HI! New followers, I am so excited to have new followers and thankful for my “old-timers.” hee hee Here is the post What’s In A Birthday? If you cannot tell, I am a bit goofy today.

I think it is from exhaustion.

Last week was packed full of adventures, but the last three days have been tops! I am surprised at how well the kids and I have handled it. We discovered not too long ago that this house had no instillation at all in the ceiling. The owners decided to put it in, and it was supposed to be two weeks ago. The maintenance people cancelled on me after I had already made plans to take the kids out for the day. For other families this may not be a big deal, for us it is HUGE. I have to prepare the kids, especially Daniel ahead of time. I have to pack all of our food because we cannot just pop in somewhere because of diet issues, not to mention sensory issues in restaurants.

Ok, so they cancelled last minutes and rescheduled for yesterday.

I tried to prepare by trying to have the kids get ahead with their schoolwork … yeah, that did not happen. Now they are a day behind, but spring break for starts on Monday so we have time to make it up. At some point, they called David and said that they were coming at 3:00 pm Thursday to deliver the pallets of instillation. They called me on Thursday at 1:00 pm and said, “We are in the drive-way.” They were here for a couple of hours. In the middle of that my grandma showed up expecting to give me a break, and Daniel is doing his virtual reading help class. Grandma got confused and thought we switched to Thursdays. We are back to Friday’s for my break day.

I skipped the whole conversation.

She arrived at 2:00 pm, with Easter gifts for the kids; school did not move forward and the day was shot. I had already made plans to go to a Piloxing class. I went and the regular instructor cancelled last minute in her place was a woman who had to have been somewhere in her 60′s. She was a powerhouse! She did boxing and Pilates, but no dancing. Let me just say she was an inspiration. She had her hip completely replaced last year, she made me, and the other younger women in there sweat like beasts. It was awesome! She had a great spirit about her too, very kind and full of positivity. I am going next week to try the Piloxing, but I am very glad to have had her for my first time trying.

Do you see the pattern here?

Things keep changing! Plans are being all messed up and everything is chaos! Well, maybe not that bad, but for me it throws me off. I made plans to take the kids swimming at the YMCA and then, spend the day at grandma’s house. Because of all of the “unexpectedness” and my change in schedule by going to work out Daniel was on the verge of meltdown Thursday night. When I came home, he was not very happy about me being gone. I was unable to get our lunches packed and ready like I had planned. I did get our clothes and other things ready. I had to get up earlier than expected because the men were supposed to be here by 8:00 am. I told them I would have the kids and myself out by 9:00 am.

Everything was going smoothly, UNTIL they turned on the machine to blow some sort stuff.

I have been over this several times with them. You cannot just turn on any sort of loud noise-making thing without giving Daniel forewarning and still there is no guarantee that he will be ok. The unexpected noise caused a spiral of noise fears for the rest of the day. He is already not a fan of the toilets in the family changing room at the YMCA – it was a major challenge to get him along with the other kids dressed. They all refused to take showers there so when we left I had to dress them and change plans to shower them (and me) at grandmas. Now the swimming was great, expect the water was so cold that I could hardly move and when I was splashed, I literally screamed because it felt like daggers tearing at my flesh.

It sucked the life force right out of me.

Everything started to go well at grandma’s house, but then I saw texts message from David. Apparently, the guys did not put anything down over our kitchen, living room, or garbage and within 20 minutes, they were all covered with almost two inches of dust. The whole situation was awful. Long story short, they stopped and covered things up, called for a cleaning crew to come, and will be back on Monday to clean all of the boxes and our personal items that are covered with dust. They wanted to come clean on Monday! They expected us to bring our three little one, who already have allergy issues, into this home for the next three days with almost two inches of dust, um, no! How was I supposed to make food? Good grief.

They ruined our toaster and our Sea Monkey’s may die.

That has caused spouts of death anxiety again with Daniel. He watching them closely and is afraid that they will die. Then, he asked if he was going to die because he is breathing dust. Urg! They ensured us that the machine would not blow anything into our house and even when they saw that it was blowing all over everything they did not stop. They kept going. David grabbed all of the items that I had on the counters, it included toys, books, electronic items, and I was in such a hurry that I did not think of putting anything away. They also said that, “it will not blow into your house.” Sigh…

In the midst of that I received several texts and my sister called me to wish me happy birthday.

Now I was happy about that, but it was a lot of social interaction. Grandma is a talker too so the whole day was packed with talking, talking, talking! By the time I came home, I was exhausted. Daniel was in a fury because nothing was in their place and his toys were in bags. Thankfully, I did not have to cook.

We ordered Biaggi’s I had gluten-free yumminess!

I was actually so tired I went to bed with the kids at 8:00 pm unfortunately; my body and mind were unwilling to sleep. I was up all night. Then, Joshua and I went out to get Easter items for tomorrow. That was not bad, but still more sensory and social overload. We did dye eggs and we ate my cake. Tomorrow I will hide eggs out in the yard if it doesn’t rain and we will have a fun Easter morning then, head off to my aunt’s house for lunch.

More sensory and social!

I am excited about it, but there will be a ton of people and I have no idea how Daniel is going to hold up. Ariel and Joshua normally do ok until we get home. In a way, I am glad that we have spring break this week because we need a break. Next weekend my dad is throwing me a birthday party at my aunt’s house so that will be another big thing. I am doing really well for the moment; I think I am definitely going to need more downtime this week. I will also need to make sure I do workouts because that helps me a lot. I will have to do the same for the kids. I hope the weather is not bad then, I can take them to the park. I will try swimming too as long as everyone is feeling up for it.

I am taking the kids to get their eye exams on Thursday too!

Geez, I forgot about that. I have also been engaging in email interaction to sign Ariel up for a fine arts co-op. I have also been trying to stay in contact with the woman who heads the adult Aspie group in town. We have not thought of any good meeting ideas. Anyone, have any ideas?? I just downloaded a bunch of stuff. I have had a major shift in how I respond to all of this and that is great.

I am not feeling anxious or stressed.

I am only tired. If I get some good rest tonight I think that will be good. Please brain and body sleep! I have been able to help the kids too which, feels really good. The changes that I have been making have given a clearer mind to be there for my kids too. I am doing well so far, not to say I may not crack in the next few days, but so far, it is going pretty, pretty well.

Want some cake?? (The cake is a lie!! Not really, it is only gluten-free it is still cake.)

: Here is a piece for you. :-)

: Cake.

: Whaaa??

: This thing is HUGE!

: Sea Monkey’s Live!!!

: Eggs!

: Eater Bunny??

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02/26/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.

Various excerpts:

I. Instability and Lability

The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

II. Recurrent Losses

Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.

There is a lot of information for each section on the website.

Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.) We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.

Instability with jobs can be for various reasons.

I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.

I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.

It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. I could go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.

Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)

I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”

There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.

There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer.

I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee)

Can you tell I have been in research mode? I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.

Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.

I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.

I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.

My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.

I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.

Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer)

All Introversion is Not the Same

The Power of Introverts – Ep 1 (This is a video series about introverts based on the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain.)

Last bit of my narcissism “fixation.”

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

How Does the Narcissist Control his Prey?

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!

What is Domestic Violence?

Learn the Warning Signs

“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.

The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”

I found this link helpful too Learn the difference between anger, aggression, and violence.

Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely.

I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.

In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.

I am quite productive.

AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person here is a link with some helps DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION.

WHAT IS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR?

Ok, I believe I have made this long enough.

I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday!

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

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