Here it is my sixth attempt at writing this post in the last week. I have five drafts, well over 1000 words and none of them came out right. There is so much wrapped into my thoughts that I cannot take one thing and go with it. It seems to pull a thread to ten other things that have been hiding themselves in the caves throughout my brain. There is a mass of healing, fear, and shaking ground that I am covering in this queasy mind of mine. I think I will try to give bullet points and see what happens. I must give a disclaimer though, I am currently stocked up on DayQuil and feeling very loopy!!
It is evident to me now that I will not understand most of my relationships, or other people’s relationships for that matter. I find people too confusing and their language/actions too indirect. I cannot understand the dynamics of relationships for whatever reason. I accept this, but what can I do to stop this from triggering me into spiraling loops? The loops cause me to panic, have anxiety, irrational fears, and send my brain down a path of made up scenarios.
I have been writing about my relationship confusions for several years in hopes that one day it would all click.
I have come to the point where I know that it will not click for me. Possibly others are able to get a grasp on this, but my brain cannot make sense of it. I need to change the way I go around this mountain. Instead of wasting time on trying to figure out my confusion, why people do the things they do, or thinking that ONE DAY I will finally gain a clear perspective on the complex social systems of the human race, I have decided to take the healthy route and focus on truly changing me. Actually, our social structures are not much different from the dynamics of our fellow living creatures in the realms of nature, but whenever I apply that understanding toward us humans, I tend to take away the humanness of us.
When one begins to segregate in anyway whether it be people/beliefs/places/things they can lose their value and become objects.
In order to help me with the largest portion of my mind confusion, fears, anxieties, panics, etc… I am making a set of rules. The rules happen to be some of the threads that have been pulled – they open up a whole subset of related issues, but I am trying to keep this post very direct and will only focus on the largest one that causes the most triggers in my mind. Here I go!
Rule One: Stop talking about it to people who feed my fears.
Rule Two: Remember not to adopt another person’s “faulty belief” system. (This is my hardest task. I tend to adopt it without realizing it until hours later. I am stopping this by contacting my aunt or mom as soon as I realize it so I will not fall into the anxiety/fear loop that tells me I should just disappear and hide from everyone on the planet, FOREVER!)
Rule Three: Read quick reference to faulty beliefs. 15 Common Cognitive Distortions (I have shared this before.)
Rule Four: Stop when I recognize(feel like they are)negative thoughts, if unsure if they are negative go to the quick list Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s) and redirect my thoughts to look for positives.
Rule Five: Focus on the positive relationships that I have. If they confuse me, ASK or TELL the person. If they truly care about me, they will have no problems and they will not treat me as if I am a burden. They may not understand, but they will show me compassion. If they do not, well there is no reason to continue the relationship. Those who know me know that I have anxiety and my greatest confusion is relationships.
I will keep it at a five rule minimum so I do not get overwhelmed.
I have been researching and studying about different types of relationships. I know that I have been doing this for a while, but I cannot twist and contort my brain to understand relationships in the way that “most” people have them. I am unconventional in almost everything. This is why I had such struggles in the church settings that I was in. The relationship paradigms do not make sense and they seem very shallow to me.
Of course, this goes for most relationships not only church types.
They may not be shallow at all; however, for me I do not understand having multiple friends and sharing only parts of you with them. I see married couples who gain emotional connections to best friends, hobbies, ministries, co-workers, so on, and at home, they barely talk to each other. They do not know each other well at all. Then, the woman/man will get offended and hurt because he/she did not get/do the right thing, they forgot a special occasion, or did not have the house clean. There are so many scenarios.
This does not only happen in marriages, it happens with family relationships as well as friends.
Somehow, people are supposed to read the minds of others who do not share ALL of who they are. How is this possible? How can you have deep meaningful relationships if one or both parties are not participating fully in the compromise of communication? Now I am just rambling. I told you I have tried to write this post so many times and I do feel that there is so much packed into this that I cannot begin to dissect it fully. I have another whole thing pawning through my mind as well dealing with faulty beliefs that I am trying to disintegrate about myself.
It is a big one for me. Deep breath…
Since I was a child, my feelings toward myself have been negative. I was abused in several ways the one that felt as if it had destroyed pieces of me is something I do not normally talk about. I do know that nothing was destroyed it has only been hidden for a very long time. I also believe that I was protected in many ways because I am autistic. I knew it was wrong, but it did not affect me in the same way that I read about with others who were abused. The first day it ever happened, I took the situation into my own hands to protect myself. I did everything possible without revealing my abuser, to ensure I was never alone with them.
However, a predator will always find a way.
Still for years, I deterred them and was a wise kid. It caused me great confusion, shame, guilt, self-hatred, I felt as if I had to of done something to make them do this to me. To that, I say what a load of crap. I never did anything I was a child and had no idea about anything. This relationship molded a path to my already confused mind that has stuck with me to today in all relationships. I did not realize that it has been the root of many faulty beliefs. The main one is that I deserve (d) to me treated as if I have no value. I was not valued; I have had relationship after relationship prove this to me in my mind. In my relationships, I was terrified of ever being myself because when I was the “attacks” came.
I let down my guard and then, it comes!
If I do act as myself I have been told I cannot be like that, I should not be doing that, no one wants to be with me because I am too much trouble, I ask too many questions, I have been told how stupid I am, or I am told (implied) about all of the things that I need to change about myself to be acceptable, BUT nothing is ever acceptable! It is impossible and unrealistic. It is unfair and unnatural to have relationships with people who want you to be a certain way, or if they tell you to be yourself only to correct you and tell you that being yourself causes them too much frustration.
I will stop, there is so much that is babbling about in my brain.
I have found resources that I think have many great nuggets to chew on. I am on a quest about all types of relationships because I feel that anything I read can be applied to all relationships in my life. However, my current fixation is about marriage and the Westernized definition. Marriage has been a special interest since I was a child there is a lot mixed into that. The one love for life and then, marry them happily ever after, yada yada yada, thing. If it were possible, why did I never see it? Why did I long for it? Why do we read about those who wrote such wonderful love stories and poems, but their muse was a love interest other than their spouse? Or they were single for life.
Or they died and only had a short period with the love of their life, why?
What is the purpose of finding love, but not be able to have it? Why do people get married anyway? Why was I pressured to get married from the second I turned adult age? Why was I made to feel and at times called a whore for living with my boyfriend? What I find rather ironic is that many times there was no action going on with them and they, me were busy getting to town with other girls. Often than not my relationships have been roommates more so than significant others. YET, I am the one is who looked down upon.
Geez, sorry I went into a tangent.
I do admit that I thought that if I had a person in my life it would help me not be so lonely, but what I discovered is that I was still lonely and misunderstood. That is another whole thread that unravels and I am not going there, but I will say many times I did not know how to tell them, “No” and ended up in relationships when I did not want to be. If you cannot understand how this could happen, I suggest you read a few of these links.
I will share these interesting links as well.