I tuck many things away in the back of my mind. They hide, lurk, and appear suddenly from triggers or anxiety. I have some great days when I feel strong, mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy. Then, there are other days. Those days the things I have tucked away can well up at times through tears and I find myself shocked as to why I am feeling so down or crying. I touch my eyes and say, “Oh, my what are these salty secretions and why do I have them?” There are times when I can systematically go through and figure out how I ended feeling this great sadness.
Some days I am confused and I have no idea why I am feeling this way or even other emotions that may not be sadness, but anger.
I am not confused today. I know exactly why I am extremely fatigued, mentally exhausted, and physically just want to sleep. I know that there are multiple factors at play. However, even with understanding I still need to process the emotions otherwise, I become fixated and ruminate on different thoughts or past experiences trying to make it stop. It does not stop – I loop. It feeds my anxiety, it stirs cognitive distortions, it fuels negative thinking, and trips me into depressive thoughts. I have a lot spinning through my head and at the beginning of this month, I started to have those things that I manage to tuck away on a daily basis, start to creep into my daily thoughts. I did a fabulous job at stomping on them, covering them up with other thoughts, filling my mind in order to redirect, but that only helps for a while.
When there is too much to process my mind and body retaliate against all of my efforts.
The excitement with getting the new house to rent, seeing family I was overcome with an array of emotions, yesterday my sister had her baby, Yay! I am an aunt again. This morning was Daniel’s IEP review, which went fantastic. I will need to process that too. Here I have all of this awesome wonderful news yet, I have a foreboding sadness and tears wanting to pour out of my tear ducts. Two things sent me over – the owners texting me telling me that their sister was coming tonight to look at the property and fix some things. Then, one of the biggest things that I tried to keep my mind from thinking about – that it is Domestic Violence Awareness month.
Just typing that has me in full-blown tears.
I had no intentions of writing anything this year, I know how fragile I am. I was surprised to be taken over by emotions of what I wrote about in August on my friend Zoe’s blog behind the mask of abuse as a guest post. It ended up being three posts long. I had not intended for it to be that long, but when I started typing, I could not stop. My life has been filled with domestic violence. I was raised in some horrible situations. I witnessed some horrible things as a child and I too became victim to being abused and manipulated. In a way, my upbringing made it seem like the “norm” for men to be womanizers, abusers, and that women had very little value.
I have very strong, independent, brave, and intelligent woman in my family.
Many people would never guess that we were victims. Many people did not believe that we were victims.The issue was we found men who would wear us down until we thought we were nothing and completely useless unless we had them. Wait, let me rephrase the first part of that sentence – these men gravitated toward us because another issue was that we were vulnerable and naive when it came to relationships. Relationships just happened, if you listen to the many women in my family share their story of how they met their partners past and even present (though not all are bad now) we did not seek out the relationship.
We “suddenly” were in one and the next thing we knew we were in long-term relationships with abusers.
Many factors play into that as well. I share several of them in the three-part post I wrote. Eventually, we found our strength and courage and got out of the relationships. Though our bodies were intact our self-esteem, identity, and true comprehension were not. My mom is Autistic too and she had no true awareness of what abuse was, her father abused her – she did not know the difference. She did not know the comfort and protection of a father. She had mixed signals of beatings and “I love you’s.” This led her into deeper relationship confusion and caused her to doubt her instincts, which, trickled to me as well.
Not knowing your own self-worth and growing up to feel as though you have little value sets you up to be easily preyed upon.
It makes life even more confusing when the ones you love and who claim to love you are your predators. When you add social confusion, social naivety, and anxiety into the mix there is a whole other aspect of being manipulated and abused. We did not realize that we were abused. We would reach a point and would no longer put up with it and at times, it almost meant our very lives, but somewhere deep inside we said, “We are not going to take this any longer!” For my mom, it is a contributing factor to her living a life alone. It is not the only factor she does like being single and independent, but after discovering that she was being lied to, manipulated, and emotionally abused in her last relationship over 12 years ago she had enough.
My mom was physically abused as a child into several of her adult relationships.
When she was an adult, she did not put up with it for long and many times, she fought back. So did I – I fought back and my meltdowns were out of control whenever something was done to me. However, it took me a long time to get out or to see the patterns in other relationships. If someone did not hit me, I thought that was a good sign for a relationship. No! Any sort of abuse is wrong even if you are not getting the crap beat out you! It has taken me a long time to understand this. I suffer from C-PTSD and PTSD. Because of family triggers and other abuse triggers when I saw the words “domestic violence” today I felt as if I was being beaten, emotionally attacked, degraded, and devalued all in a second of reading them.
This is a hard month for me anyway, which causes my triggers and emotions to be heightened.
The good news is that I am here. I am alive and well. I know how far I have come even since last October, and though the emotions of writing some of my story several months ago have just now caught up with me, I am being gentle, accepting, and understanding toward myself. I am not confused and I am not thinking things like, “You should be over all of this already.” Healing is a process, it takes time, and that is OK! I wrote this Striving For My Healing back in February it was the start of some huge progress in my healing journey. It is loaded with a ton of resources.
Every day is part of my healing journey some days are great other days not so much.
We all heal at our own pace and we all process in different ways. I am glad that I am finally on a healing journey though instead of the journey of confusion or at times denial. If you would like to read my story I will post links below – a large chuck of it is about three years of my life when I was a teenager there was much more prior to that and after. I have to take each trauma with small steps and work though them at my own pace. If you or someone you know are in an abusive relationship, I would suggest reading as much as you can about abuse and learn the best ways to get support. There are plenty of sites and I have linked to many in this post and my other posts I linked to.
It is not as easy as “just leaving” or “getting out” of the relationship.
Be supportive, listen, accept them, do not judge them, and most of all believe them if they are telling you that they are being abused. Educate yourself on what abuse is Domestic Violence and Abuse. And please, do not assume that the person knows that they are being abused – I didn’t. Before doing, anything read about it or seek professional counseling for insight and understanding. 5 WAYS TO HELP SOMEONE BEING ABUSED If anyone is reading this that has been through this or may be going through some sort of abuse now, know that you are not alone and you can get help.
I needed to write some of this to help myself, but I also share to help others here is part of my story.
- I Did Not Learn To Date-Part One
- I Did Not Learn To Date-Part Two
- I Did Not Learn To Date -Part Three