It is no secret that my mind is constantly going. It never stops, even in my sleep it seems to be trying to explain things to me. Apparently I am supposed to have listening ears, and I am gaining some major ground in my independence and creativity. Well according to some dreams interpretations, I can interpret it that way because I do like cats. If I did not like cats it would be a completely different outcome. I do like looking things up from all kinds of sources, but I know that the bottom line is my brain is processing what I already know.

The question is if I want to listen or not.

My dreams have managed to wake up some memories that I had forgotten. Many were traumatic, but I am in a good place to work through them. A main reason for this is gaining the understanding that you are allowed and validated in calling out the wrongs that have been done to you. It is valid to say that you are angry, upset, or affected emotionally in some way by what people have done. Realistically I know this, I teach my kids this, and I give them a voice to speak openly. I am constantly telling others the same thing, but for some reason it has not applied to me. I have said that it does, but I did not accept it. I still held on to guilt about speaking out my fears, anger, hurts, and even joys.

It was a huge revelation to me to comprehend that it does not have to be black-and-white.

I watched a program where they were doing intense therapy, I was very happy to know that I have been on the right track with my own healing. I also got confirmation that in these months that I have been doing this emotional work my sudden outbreaks of emotional devastation and crying spurts are very normal. This has been hard to accept for a person who has not allowed true release while shedding tears — they were just salty waters that fell. The trauma and pain was still trapped inside a locked box. It also revealed that I had been in denial for years, which can cause you to think that you have dealt with things when you actually have not. Or that there was (is) no problem at all.

This explains my repeating loop pattern over certain events because I did not really deal with them.

It is very important to understand and accept too that there are many layers to trauma. One of my main problems was that I didn’t think that I was traumatized — I believed what people told me that I was “just overreacting”. I have clusters of trauma throughout my life, some of it more devastating because of my Aspie mind, but still some of the things that I have gone through “normal” people would have a hard time with as well. Trauma is trauma every person is affected differently, just like stress, and it all matters. We all have to deal with it or block in whatever way to help us cope.

I have managed a lot of my trauma by hiding.

I hid behind masks, I used mirroring as a way to cope, I used friends or significant others to shadow, I used alcohol, and various other things as a way to escape into my own world. I forgot the things that started me hiding my writings, poetry, and stories. I used to write songs also, but I would not dare tell someone that after the way dad responded. He didn’t really express any interest at all, but a few years later when my little sister wrote a song it was all he talked about. He told me about the events of it being created and then, when they came to visit us he played guitar for her and they both sang the song together. I was not jealous, I was confused. I was happy for her. I thought it was great, but I knew that I had to hide my response because my dad would have accused me of being jealous — I have been accused of being jealous of my sisters a lot. I am not we are completely different, and I like that. Many times my response to things like I just mentioned was taken as jealousy.

I was confused, I believe rightfully so. 

AND I do not feel guilty for saying that. I cannot recall attempting to write any songs since then. While in high school my first boyfriend would invade my room. He read my diaries and that caused me to stop writing my true feelings. I wrote in my notebooks and hid them in my locker, he found them. I got in trouble, and one time he threw the spiral notebook at face cutting my cheek in the lunch room. In front of my “friends” one of which ended up being my second boyfriend, who did nothing. I will mention here as well that during lunch one day my second boyfriend to be called me “Moose Hicky”. I got up and left holding back the tears until I got to the bathroom. He was always making fun of me, but telling me that they were just jokes and that I should lighten up. He did that throughout our whole relationship.

I could not tell friend from foe, and I assumed that I was wrong and he was right.

I digress — my first boyfriend went through all of my things, all of the time. I started to hide things that I wrote in my basement. I would hide poems and things behind my cassette tape cases. I hid things in my books because he never touched my books. I hid my writings in my mom’s album sleeves. Then, came a day when all of my diaries were gone. I had not been writing “real” things in them because I knew that he would read them. I still started to panic though. They were gone. They were mine and they were gone. I asked my mom about them, but she was the extreme opposite and would not go in my room or touch anything of mine like that because of her parents invading her space while growing up. She swore that she would never do that to her children. She knew nothing about me or what was going on in my room unless it was too messy or I got in trouble then she would remove my doors so that I had no privacy at all.

I asked my step dad if he knew where they were, he claimed not to know.

I discovered later that he lied, when his truck was impounded after their divorce, the truck was in my mom’s name so she had to get it back and pay for it — I found them hidden under his seat. I also discovered a while later from my first boyfriend when my step dad and his friends would go deer hunting they would get drunk and stoned sitting around reading my diaries. My first boyfriend had similar connections in town since he and my step dad both did drugs. I was beyond devastated. I was sick for weeks, at least I had them back, but I stopped eating and sank into depression. From then on I made sure that I hid everything very well. I did not start sharing my writing again until I shared my poetry, songs, and other writings with family.

I received what felt like mostly indifference, silence or comparisons with other family members.

I will say not all of all them responded that way, but since it’s so hard to read people I was not sure what their responses meant. I assumed that my writings and what I had to share had little value. I still had the impact of my mom’s response from years earlier as well that stuck in my thoughts. I had hidden away my imagination and emotions and only allowed myself to write prayers or petitions to God. I still wrote, but I hid them on my computers, tucked away in the middle of prayer journals, and various other places never to be seen. I normally told no one that I wrote anything. I started writing stories again in 2009, but would not allow myself to finish. I didn’t begin writing poetry truly connecting to my own emotions or thoughts until I started the poetry blog. I actually started that one so I could use the “like” button, not to put my poetry out there, but I found that it was helping me. When I started sharing some of my short stories by creating another blog for them it started making me feel more comfortable. Slowly I have been working through my fear of sharing, and coming out of hiding even more.

It is a huge feat for me to overcome these fears and share what I write.

It wasn’t only that people read my innermost thoughts or violated me, but that they mocked me that helped to form these fears. My first boyfriend made fun of me or got angry and violent. I found out that my step dad and his friends sat around laughing and mocking me as well. I think I was between 14-15 years old when all of that happened. My first boyfriend continued this invasion of my notebooks, room, lockers, and later my car until I was finally able to be rid of him. That is another long story. All of this made me hide, and hide my writings. I have taken back my writing, and most days I feel comfortable with sharing. I welcome constructive criticism I do not see that as rejection, but a helpful tool. The difference with sharing now is that I am not being violated — I am sharing freely so now the fear lies in another form of rejection.

Though it does not consume me, well most days it doesn’t.

I managed to get some stories out in the past few months by forcing myself to not edit and just let the story flow. I have also been attempting story poems, or longer poems. I am trying new things. I have many hidden away on my computer, but I have been afraid to read them again because of what I may have written. I have only shared a few of them with people, and got derailed a bit my no response. I decided to treat it as I do with this blog I just write on here more freely than in the past, but I allow myself to share. That is one reason why I started my story blog to write a story and not care so much about the grammar, and writing rules. I wanted to allow myself to write whatever I felt. I was forcing myself to face my fear. I have allowed my imagination to go free. It takes a lot for me to share stories or poetry because I feel very exposed. They are a part of me that has not been allowed out for quite some time.

I think this, I can define as an accomplishment.

 

Your email:

 

 

I had no idea that emotional manipulators existed. In my naïvity I have been completely unaware that people use emotions to manipulate. I understood to a point, I guess. Honestly though it has not been something that has crossed my mind. Why would it? I can barely understand my emotions I cannot possibly spend time trying to manipulate others. There have been a series of events that have led me to researching emotional manipulators, I am not going to go into them even though every fiber in my being wants to give every minute detail….Let me say, my brain takes a while to get things. It is like part of my brain is writing in the future and doesn’t understand what it is writing about until much later.

I came up with a title “Angel’s Brain Delay”.

Just because I am on delay does not mean that I won’t get it. I wish someone would help me get it a bit faster though! I guess I need to do my own process so I truly grasp what I am learning/seeing. There is a lot in all of this, but I feel like it is very important to write about. Especially for those on the autism spectrum or those who are their supporters. We need people to watch out for us! We need people who are trustworthy and are supportive. We need people around us who will act upon their “gut” feelings about others who come into our lives. People who love us and have our best interest in mind, not theirs.

Throughout my life I have had family and friends tell me about their doubts and concerns after the fact.

They have questioned and doubted their own feelings because I gave the perception of being happy. I wore masks because I thought that I was wrong about my own “gut” feelings. I sat in silence about my doubts and concerns about people in my life because everyone seemed to like them and think that they were great. My mind can get easily confused by people’s motives and being prone to thinking that I am the one who is wrong, I will default to how I perceive others acting toward that person. The problem is that the people that I trust most have the same issue as I do, they think that they are the problem.

It has taken me a while, but I have some real clarity about emotional manipulation.

It is like being brainwashed, in many ways you are. You lose identity, voice, confidence, and your brain becomes confused. For someone like me, I am a target for people like that. It is very clear if you have read my blog about relationships or anything about people that I am easily manipulated. However, when I see and comprehend something there is no turning back. It has taken years upon years for me to look at my life and get to this moment to say: “I am not the problem!” My goodness I have not done anything wrong. What really gets me and throws me into confusion are those who say: “Oh, no Angel you haven’t done anything wrong. I support you completely and want the best for you.” While they are saying and doing little things to trigger doubt and insecurity. It makes me feel like I am insane!

I know that there are many others who have felt this way.

We are not weak or insecure, but have been convinced that we are and finally give in and believe it. I would give examples of my own life, but I have plenty throughout this blog. Once you see the pattern and the signs you cannot help, but see it with clarity. I am going to share several resources that have great information. This is so important for a person on the autism spectrum, we can go from the extreme of trusting any and everyone to trusting no one and living just to protect ourselves. We are vulnerable because of our lack of social understanding, especially people’s intentions. Those who seem to be the most trustworthy and looking out for our best interest could be the worst possible person in our life.

I think the hardest part for me to grasp is that it is not on purpose.

Most people who are emotional manipulators do not set out to be that way. They are not trying to hurt others. They are operating out of their own hurt and insecurities. They are trying to control every aspect of their own emotions to ensure that they never get hurt. In the process they have become completely dependent on another person for their emotional gauge and happiness. With a person like me, these type of people are poison. They slowly kill me and cause me to waste away. I begin to shut down everything. I get so confused and sick that I cannot live unless I am numb. It was easy before when I thought everything was my fault, but now that I see it I cannot accept that it is my fault. I have had a flood of my past and recent experiences and I cannot accept that I am solely at fault for all that they claimed I was.

I have my own problems, I am sure some things are my fault, but I am not taking ALL the blame any longer.

I didn’t truly understand passive-aggressive behavior until several months ago. It is hard for me to comprehend people doing things like that so I have been digging around and found this article that I thought was very good in explaining aggression. Two Types of Aggression There is a section called “The Process of Victimization” that really helped me understand how I could fall into victimization. Here are some things taken from each section and my voice about it.

“But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence they’re aggressing against us, we can’t readily validate our feelings.” 

Oh, goodness! YES!! I think that Aspie’s can have an even greater challenge because of this. 

“The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring, defending, …, almost anything but fighting.”

I get taken every time I feel like someone is in need or hurting, I have mentioned before that I have a “help” trump card in my brain that will default my reason if I feel someone is hurting or in need. I get played.

“All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit.”

There are many things deemed as weakness or insecurities in me that have been exploited. I believe the main problem is my lack of understanding and I think that those of us who are not as wise to social cues, unspoken rules and the ways of the world  have more of a challenge here.

“What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we’ve been taught to believe about human nature.”

Ok, thank you. I am not completely blind here. My gut tells me one thing and my brain gets confused because I hear something that feels wrong, but it is said with a smile or with a “I only care about you and want the best for you.” kind of talk.

The whole article is quite insightful and very helpful. I suggest reading the whole thing. I did find a couple of videos that were good and several other articles. It is so strange when things get connected and become very clear. However, it is pointless to try to communicate to someone who is an emotional manipulator, it will always be your fault or someone else’s fault. They will confuse and distort words and what you are saying. For me, I just shutdown because I get so confused and mixed up. I tend to become very strange in my behavior because I am so utterly confused and do not know what to do. I will stop talking as well. I honestly do not know if people who are like this can change.

It seems highly unlikely, unless they are willing to recognize and take action on their part.

I understand that people operate out of pain and hurt themselves. I understand that people may have grown up in environments where that is all they know and it is the only way that they feel in control. I understand some people are just rotten. I understand it, but I do not fully grasp it. I guess all of us at some point manipulate others to get what we want. But I am truly clueless when I do it. It wouldn’t cross my mind to try to use someone to get what I want. Especially, their emotions. I see how it is a very good tactic though, emotions can make people do practically anything.

Oh, well here are some resources.

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

How to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation  (Seems cleaner than above version.)

Emotional Manipulation Disguised  (A personal blog)

How to Deal With a Manipulator

Emotional Manipulation  (This was hard to read with all of the colors and fonts, but it had some good information.)

Recognizing Emotional Abuse Video  (This video hit me hard because he first speaks about how our behavior is learned by our children.”To teach our children confidence we first need to have confidence.” I don’t want my kids confused like I have been or lacking self esteem. I don’t know about the woman in the beginning or the excerpt of song at the end though.)

Emotional Manipulation–What it is & Are You Using It?  (This guy is a hoot! He was kind of hard to watch and listen to at times, but he had some good information too and I thought it was worth sharing.)

Your email:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am in a rambling mood today. I decided to share some of my thoughts about being vulnerable. Thinking of my own vulnerability, I decided to look the word up again and read through the definition.

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ^ə l) — adj

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc

3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc

4. military liable or exposed to attack

5. bridge (of a side who have won one game towards rubber) subject to increased bonuses or penalties   [C17: from Late Latin vulnerābilis, from Latin vulnerāre to wound, from vulnus a wound]

As I thought about the definitions I went through many events in my life and how I have been incredibly vulnerable.

There is something special about a child and even the rare adults, possibly on the spectrum,   who have an innocent vulnerability. There is an openness and freedom that has not yet been tainted, or discovered. The hurts of this world have not caused a protective layer from the outside attacks. For some this innocent vulnerability is stolen from them at a quite young age and they have to put on some sort of armor in order to survive. For others, it is years and years of people mishandling the vulnerability. It seems there are others as well who have watched the attacks on the vulnerable and decided they would put on their armor based on the possibility of such attacks.

I do not realize my innocent vulnerability until after the fact.

In the past I have covered myself with shields, hoping I had them tightly fitted as to stop the arrows from penetrating. I would then forget. As much as I try to keep patterns of people and their behavior at the fore front of my mind, I cannot always remember what the attacks look like. I find it interesting that I am unable to read these things for myself but for others I can see them clearly. I am very protective of my children’s vulnerability. At this age I really do not care if people think that I am overprotective, I want them to have that freedom instilled in them. I also want to equip them with the knowledge of how vulnerability works and how people will prey upon it.

I do not want them afraid of being vulnerable nor afraid of invulnerability.

There can be a healthy balance. They can be taught to be wise, I am talking about safe vulnerability. They need to be able to say what they feel without the fear that someone will come along and tell them that they are weak for doing so. I am not talking about the vulnerability that comes with abuse, that is unacceptable. I am only tapping on being open and honest and having the freedom to feel emotional issues. Our society has made it wrong or unacceptable to be vulnerable. We get trampled on by our vulnerability. We get bullied, tortured emotionally and belittled for expressing our true feelings.

In a way, I see how using our own vulnerability can be our weapon.

If given the freedom in a safe environment to express ourselves, we feel validated in our words and actions. We become stronger in them. I have had my vulnerability cause people to run. Most people do not like to be open and honest, or they can’t for some of the reasons I listed earlier. A’ha! My weapon of defense. It will cause those who are not accepting of me, to flee. I am sure I have not expressed myself in the best ways, I may have run from me too. It is hard to handle, but in the long run I think it’s worth it. I think a lot of my vulnerability comes from lack of social skills, such as reading body language or understanding verbal cues. I seem to have no idea that I am being attacked.

I may feel something at that moment.

However, it is only later that I discover that I am feeling a tinge in my head of confusion, anxiety and fear and I do not know why. I then replay the situations over and over in my mind to try to discover what had just happened. When I see it. I have a choice. Sometimes I would run and hide, other times I faced it head on. It would depend on how I felt about the situation. If I felt I was going to gain more damage I would internalize, if I felt that I wasn’t going to let it hold me back, I would face it. However, both of these have caused me great harm. But have they?

I am still changed and that can be good.

They can only harm me as much as I allow. Again, I am not talking about emotional abuse that is entirely different. In some cases, it is good to be oblivious. Since I did not understand some situations, I wasn’t hurt terribly by them. There were times, that after realizing the situation, I became terribly hurt.

But what do we do with that hurt?

I am not an angry person (despite my rage at times), I am very forgiving and tend to forget the bad things that people do. It can be detrimental to me at times, but then again I ask myself do I want to be angry and unforgiving? Not really. There always has to be a balance, I understand that. The only way to gain balance is to understand what is out of balance. It is ok to be vulnerable as long as it will not destroy or harm you. I am thinking being vulnerable, can be good or bad, you have the power to use it for either.

We got the power!

I have a terrible time not being honest, it physically makes me ill and I cannot eat or sleep until I have come up with the best way to be honest. Sometimes my honesty hurts people but I cannot keep it in me. It has to come out. I am not sure if others feel this so intensely but I cannot live with myself if I hide things. It usually comes out in some crazy babble anyway, so I just say it now. This kind of vulnerability is not always conscious, often it just comes out before I have ever given it a thought. I ask is it that wrong? Of course, I do not mean speaking viciously toward people. We need tact.

I am just thinking, it would be nice to have the freedom of being vulnerable without the ridicule or fear for doing so.

Your email:

 

 

In my previous post I spoke about how David and I met and what we felt called to do in our new life together. We moved across country to start a coffee shop ministry. The vision for the ministry was to bring all Christian denominations together through the arts. We felt like it should be a place that ministered to both believers and non-believers. Through means of music, art, poetry, woodwork, sculpting, films and guest speakers, those were some of the outlets. We had to live with David’s mom and step-dad for the first several months we were there. That was an interesting time that truly brought us closer together in a very short period. We lived in a bedroom with both of my cats, his mom had two cats and three dogs, we had to keep my cats locked up because they still had claws and were not too friendly with others.

That was interesting to say the least.

For a long period of time we were unable to find work, David was still working on his thesis and we were networking for the coffee shop ministry. We got connected with many great people who saw the vision and supported us, not financially because we never felt that we were supposed to receive an income from the ministry. However, the owners of several local coffee shops opened their doors to us and gave us free rein on the weekends to have people come in and share their art. It was a win-win for both parties because the coffee shop would gain new customers/business and the artists would gain exposure/business. There were times that it was very frustrating having churches tell us that they did not want it to be a mix of denominations. Then there was the business of trying to “sell” us to congregations.

One pastor of a megachurch told us that he could have his 1300 young adults there every Sat., all we had to do was join a small group.

We did not feel comfortable in that church or with the proposal so we just let it drop. It was mainly how the pastor made it clear that he could influence his people to go wherever he said. Scary. So many churches loved the idea but wanted us to be under their umbrella. We felt like it was not supposed to be a part of a specific church. Finally, we got involved with an internet ministry and became a parachurch ministry under them. They brought us on to write articles for them dealing with many different topics. We met different people and were exposed to a lot of different ministries. David eventually got an adjunct position at a Christian University and we had really warmed out our welcome at his parents house. They had their own financial burdens.

It was time for us to leave but we had no money and no place to go.

Many of the people we had met stepped up and rallied around us through prayer and funds. We were able to get a horrible apartment for $200 a month with David cleaning the grounds to help with rent. We felt like it was a palace! We didn’t care about the location or the black mold it was ours and it was huge compared to the room we had been in.   We finally managed to start the coffee shop ministry and had many different artists come through. We had paintings, photography, indie Christian films that would offend a lot of Christians but the messages were great because they were painful and challenging, poets, musicians, and some speakers. It didn’t last long though, we got pregnant and I started to get very sick from the mold and the pregnancy.

David had to find more work and I was in bed the first few months of the pregnancy.

From the beginning we felt like we were supposed to start it and others were to take over. After we got pregnant I just couldn’t keep up with getting artists to come and David had to get as much work as possible. Again people rallied around us and helped us get into a much nicer apartment. We had a great experience while we did the coffee shop, we met many believers who felt like they just couldn’t step into a church building ever again and they enjoyed the freedom of being themselves. There were artists who felt like their talent was wasting away because there was no outlet for them in the Body of Christ but the ministry was giving them the outlet they longed for. There was freedom of beliefs and freedom of expression. If ever I felt the power of God it was in the moments that the artists were operating freely in their gifting and expressing themselves before man and God.

I loved when people would say things like “I never knew Christians were creative.”

Doesn’t that seem wrong? I know not everyone is a Christian but the sheer belief that we are supposed to believe in the Creator, wouldn’t it seem like we would be VERY creative? Whatever our creative outlet may be, it is not limited to the arts but what we are gifted at. Wouldn’t our inspiration come from working with the Creator and knowing Him? I am not being a snot here I am being serious. It is a question that I have thought about a lot. I digress. The owners of the coffee shop did keep it going for a while and the owners franchised to several other Christians who did keep it going in their own way. Some of the churches we met with started their own version in their buildings. I liked how for a time it brought unity to people who ordinarily would not come together, I liked how it wasn’t about one church or artist but about a community trying to express the love of Christ through their gifting and sharing it with others through love.

David and I have been church vagabonds pretty much from the beginning.

Even before I met David I would frequent various churches throughout town, I liked being exposed to different churches and people. Though I was devoted to both of my home churches while I went to them, I still was visiting friends churches as well. When we moved we never felt like we found a church home, we went to many different churches from Denominational to Pentecostal to Messianic we were all over the place. We liked it like that. After the twins were born though our life changed drastically and we ended up in seclusion for a long time. We tried to go to church on several occasions but it just didn’t work, especially since we never belonged to a church there. This would lead to the path of us going to a church here that caused so much confusion and pain.

I completely lost my identity after the kids were born, ministry had become who I was.

I really lost any sense of self trying to understand what was going on with Daniel and taking care of the babies by myself. David had to work and I had no family, no friends and no help. We lost touch with all of the connections we had before and I was starting to get very depressed. I loved being a mom but I was so tired, lonely, and would be locked up in the house all the time. Where we lived it was cold! I do not do well with cold and snow anyway but the last year we were there we had been trapped in our house several times because of blizzards. I couldn’t drive the car we had and the city we lived in kept me in constant anxiety. I had no contact with people for long periods of time. When we moved here I was desperate for any social contact.

Because of my vulnerable state, I didn’t use very good judgment.

I am naive and gullible about people’s motives anyway, but I have been especially that way in church because I thought that all Christians (actually most people) were good and nice and would never do anything mean. I still do, mostly. I felt like if there were problems than it had to be my fault. I have written about this church enough, basically I had my guard down, I was tired, lonely and desperate because of that I fell for some twisted thinking and wrong doctrine. David was trying to be as supportive as possible and had hoped that I would see for myself what was taking place.

They used scriptures to control and manipulate, not for what they are truly for.

It didn’t take long but it was long enough for me to experience spiritual abuse and to feel like I was loosing my mind. The good thing is I learned a lot, I have forgiveness and no bitterness any longer. I know that my priority in life now is to take care of my kids and just love people as best as I can. We have never been evangelists or  apologetists (I think I made that word up.) but we have always wanted to share the love of Christ and the acceptance that community is supposed to be about no matter where people are on their spiritual or non-spiritual journey. :- ) We see and experience God through the gifts and freedom to share them with others. The goodness that comes from serving one another without seeking something for ourselves, that brings us great joy. For us that is what Jesus reflects, love, acceptance and building up people to be who God intended them to be.

We do not feel obligated or guilted in sharing the message of Jesus, we just try to live it out.

(And now this movie is done, on to the next one. )

Your email:

 

Those are the words that rang through my head.

“I must not be good enough, that is why they treat me this way.” After that ended, we kept in touch for the whole time I was in another state. Every time I came home to visit, I would see him. I thought there was still something there. Even when I had found another love, I continued to keep contact. I was so confused by all of that. Later after my third relationship ended (I will go into that in a moment) I thought possibly this was the time for us to get back together. He wasn’t dating anyone either. I went back to visit and I thought there was something there. I went back a few months later to to tell him I was thinking of moving back.

Another devastating blow.

We were supposed to go out with a group of friends and we did. BUT he had made a date that very day and was supposed to meet her at the bar we were at. I was hurt, furious, confused. Other people may have understood this but I didn’t. I thought he wanted to be with me. I was supposed to stay the night at his house, my things were there. Needless to say I was drunk, I lost it, I got crazy and don’t even remember the events of the evening other than he left to meet the girl. And his close friend got all chummy with me so we started a long distance relationship. I needed to sever ties with my ex and this was the only way I could bring myself closure.

Come to find out my ex didn’t care anyway and no harm was caused to him, only me and the friend.

I wasn’t very nice to the friend. Back to the third relationship, even though I was stuck in a cycle with that ex,  I thought my new boyfriend was the greatest thing that ever walked the face of the earth. Well he is pretty great now and he is the one who truly cared for me but didn’t know how. He is now married expecting a child and very happy. We are very happy for each other.  Although he was  not the greatest while we dated. He was a social butterfly. He was always out, always surrounded by the ladies, always thinking of traveling. He caused me to have trust issues too. He wouldn’t come home, when he did come home he would have phone numbers and sometimes makeup on his shirt. He made comments about things I needed to change to “better” myself. Actually all of them did, that did not help my self image. Never good enough. NEVER!

He did a similar thing as my second boyfriend.

One morning I answered the phone and there was a Swedish man on the other end asking for him. My heart sank I knew something was going on. So once again I found myself in a position of being in an apartment by myself  struggling to pay for it. He went behind my back and decided to go off to Sweden to work. I stayed with him while he was gone. Long distance relationship is very hard for someone with trust issues. I did get to go to Sweden but that ended up bad also. We came home together that was not supposed to happen. He had left me on my birthday in the apartment he was staying at and did something that caused him to have to leave. It was nothing major but enough to get sent home.

I found myself using my credit cards to get him home and off we flew back to the States.

It didn’t work well when we got back. We ended up breaking up. I had trust issues. Along with many others by this point. These three guys helped to make me even more confused and unable to understand relationships even more. There is so much to these stories it is very hard to limit them to a blog post but the point of sharing these things is to show that I was not stupid, I just didn’t realize that what they were doing was wrong. I thought I was wrong. I saw other people in relationships and they were not treated that way so the conclusion I came to was it had to be me.

The weird thing is after the relationships would end, people would then tell me all of this stuff that was going on.

What? I had no idea they were doing these things. When they would talk to me in a certain way, other people would think it was horrible and I was oblivious. They would make fun of me and belittle me but when we were alone they told me they loved me. I was confused. I didn’t understand. It was like the bullies who pretended to be my friend and then would hurt me. I thought it was me. I was the one who wasn’t normal, I was the one who didn’t understand how relationships worked, I had to rely on people like them to guide me.

Because of that I spent years in pain, confusion, constant self hatred and doubt.

Go check out part III for the rest of the story…

Your email:

 

I have to confess that I did have tantrums, freak outs, I would get violent and say some pretty nasty things. That was the only way I knew how to express what I was feeling. If I didn’t lash out I would begin to hold it in and harm myself. I did start cutting myself. I wrote some really dark stories and poems. I wanted to escape. I would spend time alone listening to music praying to die. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be loved. I didn’t even know what love was but I knew it was not what these guys had offered me. After I came to believe in Jesus, which I believe was led by God because no person got me to that point, I got to that point by reading the Bible from beginning to end and having Jesus revealed to me through that.

I believe I had an encounter that opened my eyes and began to show me that I had value.

By the time I met David, I had written off men and decided I would devote myself to Jesus. I devoted my life to doing what I felt Jesus wanted me to do, tell others how much He loves them. I still do that I believe God does love people and our mission on earth is to spread that love through letting others know they are valued. We all have gifts and talents that should be shared. We all need to know that we should be cared for, recognized, cherished for who were are. Not religion, not others interpretation of who God is and how you should live, just acceptance where you are for who you are and build into to you so that you can succeed in being the best unique you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off.

I met David which is a very long story that will have to wait.

He has been the best person to come into my life. I know God placed him in my life because he has loved me with no games. He has been everything that I have needed to overcome past pains. He has helped me to help myself. He has built into to me and encouraged me. He has brought me hope and not only told me that I am valued, he has valued me. We are open and honest with each other. We say what we mean and sometimes we hurt each other without meaning to but we discuss it. We talk. We share. We wrestle with the issues of our faith, the inconsistencies, the personal struggles, we work together to build into our children.

We also hardly leave our house, have limited friends, and keep a fortress of solitude.

We are two people with Aspie traits that just so happen to have enough of the same obsessions along with enough differences to challenge each other constantly. David works from home and I stay home with the kids. We like our life like this. We have to push ourselves to get out because otherwise we would never see anyone and be perfectly happy with that. Well we do like to  socialize but it takes so much out of us, we know that we have to for ourselves and especially our kids. We want to help them be able to be around people and have fun. Our kids have helped us to be more social. We all work together to help each other.

I say all of that to say it is not ok for people to be treated the way I was.

It is not ok for any person to go through a lot of what I went through but I do not know the major effects it can have on people who are on the autism spectrum. Abuse is not ok. People with autism and on the spectrum need people to be aware for them. We have got to watch out for abuse. I have been very protective of Daniel because he is still unable to tell me if someone has harmed him. He is just beginning to tell me when he has been hurt but still has a hard time telling me where and how. We have got to stay alert and on top of the way people treat those who are different, those who are unable to recognize abuse.

I would like to know how these kinds of situations effect other people on the spectrum.

I feel that several of things I have mentioned may seem quite silly, if I listed all of the things that were done to me I am positive people would think me crazy. However, for me these things were devastating. The situations caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I don’t think I am the only one and that is why I am writing this. I believe that it is both therapeutic for me and others to know that these things are not ok. No one should ever be treated this way and no one should feel like they deserve it. I am thankful to have David who helped me to understand that these things are wrong. If it wasn’t for him walking me through and building into me, I would still feel as though I deserved to be treated poorly by others. I have accepted this from people I dated, people I worked with, people I went to school with, people I went to church with over and over, I have accepted bullying and abuse as my fault. The majority of the time I didn’t even know it was abuse or bullying.

I know this is a long post and I hope you made it through without being terribly bored!

Here are some resources.

http://www.scn.org/autistics/abuse.html

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/commonproblems/Child_Abuse.html

Your email:

 

I am not going to speak about Asperger’s in technical terms or go into the medical stuff. There are many blogs, websites, and resources that have done that and do a great job at it. I will list the ones that I go to and frequent. I also have a list of books and resources that I use regularly to help me and my son.

It’s about the journey.

I mentioned in the About section that I am using this blog as a way of expressing myself to help me on my Aspie journey. I have always written from the time I was able to write. I have had journals and journals. I wrote poems and stories as far back as I can remember.

If I wasn’t writing, I was dancing and singing – 45’s Baby!

I had my portable record player and would sit in my room for hours listening to all of my mom’s albums and all those “Read Along” stories. Now that I’ve found clarity about Aspie traits, I look back and see how I created my own world. And when someone interrupted it, I was VERY upset. I didn’t have a lot of friends actually I didn’t have any in my neighborhood. I had one at school. So my time was full of doing whatever I wanted.

I am social…I do have the ability to communicate and have since a child.

I usually speak whatever is on my mind and do not really comprehend that it could offend someone until later. But being that I am out there and pretty social (even though it puts in me in a tailspin of anxiety and panic attacks), people do not think there is anything different about me from them. So that has caused me quite a lot of pain and confusion.

Because I am social and don’t really think about it, I have been so confused by social cues. I can tell you exactly what I mean but the person listening hears what they think I mean. It’s confusing because I mean what I am saying – there is nothing hidden or implied in my words where I say one thing and mean another. It’s hard for many neurotypicals to get that, at least those that I have been around. I have had really great people in my life but they just don’t get me. I can be surrounded by a group of people like my family for instance and still feel isolated, awkward, and misunderstood.

And these people love me.

I had a crash course in understanding people who manipulate and control others. I really never knew they existed. In my mind, I honestly thought that if people were acting like that they didn’t understand what they were doing.

I have had some boot camp experiences in the last few years that actually brought me to a place of finding out that I am an Aspie. Even though the experiences were quite painful, it has brought about my emotional healing and mental restoration.

Most of all, understanding my son.