03/24/13

A-ha! Moment & Some 80′s Music

I just had an “a-ha” moment. It finally sunk into my head that I am not the problem. Hear me out, now I am happy to own up to any of my wrongdoings. I am usually the first one to point them out and confess them with utter apologies. However, I am not at fault for every single mishap in relationships. I knew nothing of boundaries, being that my violations started at the age of five. You cannot have healthy relationships without healthy boundaries.

I read this today that gave me much clarity into the reasons why I have had such difficulties with boundaries.

“Some persons, however, have great difficulty setting boundaries—they may even believe that setting boundaries is rude—and this difficulty usually derives from child abuse. But let’s be clear that abuse can range from subtle emotional manipulation to severe sexual and physical abuse. To the unconscious, though, any abuse, no matter how mild or severe, is an insult to personal dignity. It’s precisely this insult to personal dignity that explains why adults who were abused as children lack the ability to set appropriate boundaries. Why? Well, their not having boundaries served them as a defense mechanism in childhood. Most abused children know intuitively that if you try to do anything to resist the abuse, you just get hurt all the more. So setting aside any resistance means less hurt.” ~ A Guide to Psychology and its Practice (A very informative site.)

I have been made to feel that setting boundaries is NOT loving to others.

In order to survive throughout my life in relationships and even some work places, I have had to eliminate boundaries. If I set them, I was rejected in some form or fashion. Being that I felt rejected from childhood on my desires was to feel accepted and wanted. Thankfully, at some point, I believe my lack of understanding about emotional manipulation and my absolute need for solitude and personal space, I would become fed up and end the relationship. Some were easier than others were, but I got to a point where the cost of my sanity outweighed the cost of my desire of being accepted and loved.

Another positive thing about how my mind works is that I do not need people to feel complete.

I desire genuine relationships and to have long-lasting friendships, but I do not feel wrong or bad about myself for not having them in “real” life. I do believe I have some great friends virtually, but it does have its limits. There are times when I wish I had a person right here with me to see what is going on in my life. I would like to have someone I could go to in the physical realm. I have support from my family; however, it is still not the same. I think many people can understand what I mean by that statement.

I have been working on boundaries for a long time, but I have had such difficulty with it.

I was not sure why. I understood several things from an intellectual mindset – I could not connect the emotional aspect until I read that paragraph above about abuse and boundaries. I get it! (Inserting another link Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self.) It explains why I have shut down so many times and disassociated from myself, environment, relationships, and felt the only way I could survive was to cut off feeling my emotions. This has been going on for decades and it explains why when I have been single and lived by myself that I did not do this in such extremes.

There is a lot to all of that though.

Now that I can see with clarity how my boundaries were violated, and how I took the path of least resistance I can start setting them without confusion. My recent lack of maintaining boundaries was due to my confusion about boundaries. I have been manipulated to believe that setting boundaries is the uncaring thing to do. It disrespects the other person. It shows lack of trust on my part. It is hurtful to the other person. I should be giving everything including my thoughts, emotions, belongings, etc…

I have been led to believe that I do not deserve boundaries.

I felt that boundaries only belonged to the person(s) who were in authority, or perceived authority. I had several specific things from life as examples, but I decided to remove them because I felt too vulnerable. I will share a list below and will link to Recognizing Boundary Issues if other would like more specifics about boundaries. (This is not only in personal life, this happens at work, in religious settings, sports, and it is in every type of relationship. Here is one link I will share The Lowdown On Abusive Bosses And The Unhealthy Workplace – Part 1)

I have felt as though I brought all of this on myself.

I was led to believe that I was the problem directly or indirectly. I was manipulated because of my belief that people are genuinely good. I still believe that most people are good, but I also understand human nature much better now. I was also very naive about abuse and manipulation. I am still ignorant about much of that. My mind has a hard time comprehending people being like that. In my gut, I have known when my boundaries were violated, but I could not express it.

I had no words for it.

I was unsure and full of doubt because I had so many people violate my boundaries and then, convince me that I was the one who was being inconsiderate, overreacting, or plain wrong. Though I knew, it became much easier to take the path of least residence. Why? Because I got tired and confused. Plain and simple I got tired of the fight and tired of looping about all of the possible things that I had done wrong. Or looping in hopes of discovering some answers to clear up the emotions I could not explain. I got tired of trying to stand up for myself. I got so beaten down emotionally that I would lose what little sense of self I had. Opting to believe that I was the problem because when I tried to discuss or bring up anything I would cause more anger and frustration – leading me to believe that in fact it was me. Why, did I cause so many people to become angry, hurt, or frustrated?

I am sure my lack of “appropriate” communication skills brought out angers in others.

I can understand how my directness could hurt people’s feelings, but I do not speak maliciously. I say whatever is rushing through my mind without a thought. I really wish my mom and me either would have been exposed to some healthy relationships or led to some resources long ago. I believe it would have helped her painful path as well as I mine. I could have used the list below for relationships of ALL kinds. Taken from How to tell if you’re being manipulated.

If you are in a relationship and notice a few of the following signs, there’s a high probability you’re being manipulated:

Your joy at finding love has turned into the fear of losing it. This is known as the “manipulative shift.” You will start feeling stressed at this point.
Sometimes s/he gives you a lot of attention and love, and sometimes he gives you the cold shoulder for no reason. You’re left wondering what you’ve done wrong.
Your feelings have gone from happiness and euphoria to anxiety, sadness and even desperation.
Your relationship feels very complex, although you may not be sure why.
You obsess about the relationship almost constantly.
You never feel sure of where you stand with your partner; you feel you’re in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety.
You feel confused about the relationship and frequently ask your partner what’s wrong. He becomes angry or frustrated and he consistently denies responsibility for any problems.
You feel that you just don’t know how to make him happy.
You may frequently feel angry and resentful toward your partner, yet be unable to express it. Communication feels restricted or even forbidden, causing feelings of extreme frustration and even hostility.
You feel inadequate. You don’t feel as good about yourself as you did before the relationship.
Your emotions and moods are controlled by your partner’s words and actions

My goodness if I would have had this information!

“If you feel less strong, less confident, less secure, less intelligent, less sane, or in any other way “less than” anything you were before you met him (or her), you are being covertly emotionally manipulated.” ~ About Covert Emotional Manipulation

And these! Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, Stages of the Psychopathic Bond. However, not all of the relationships I have been in have been this manipulative. Quite honestly, they were just not smart enough. They were bullies and abusers, but they did not psychologically get into my head and almost destroy my very existence. Nope. They were violent, aggressive, said vile things to me, cheated, lied, and whatnot, but I have experienced manipulation and control far more psychological than their tactics. Not all of them.

It really does not matter at this point whether I had the information or not.

There is no guarantee that anything would have changed because the fact of the matter is that I still have and always did have social confusion that causes me self-doubt. I still have and always did have anxiety, which can distort my perceptions. I still have and always have had sensory issues that can also distort my ability to understand the world around me. I still am and have always been unable to read body language, read faces, understand tones, or have the ability to understand/express my emotions. I felt in my gut right and wrong, but I could only understand when another was violating another person’s boundaries. I did not understand when mine were violated.

I have not understood when other people set boundaries with me.

I have come to understand that. I have not really covered all of my thoughts on this topic, but I think I got quite a bit out to help me process my a-ha moment. I started to feel down about all of this. I started to feel shame and guilt. Then, I remembered what my therapist said the other day. She gave me suggestions to help with my cognitive accuracy and she mentioned music. I told her I had to be careful with what music I listen to because it can trigger a lot of emotion especially, if I am feeling vulnerable.

She then said, “Ok, you need happy feel good music. Well then, listen to 80′s music. 80′s music is all about having fun and partying.”

Lol! (Not all, of course.) I am not beating myself up for these things. I am taking this moment and accepting that what happened in the past happened, and the past can include an hour ago or even two seconds ago. I cannot change it, but I sure as heck can change what I do today. I already started setting personal boundaries a while ago and I have noticed my self-esteem getting better.

Today, I realized how important it is to set emotional and mental boundaries.

It is my head and no one else is allowed in there to mess with me! I have been slowly doing this, but today I truly understood the importance. My eyes were opened to how much I have allowed others to stay in my head filling it with negativity. I admit I have felt hopeless in this area for quite a while, but after my therapist telling me to be kind to myself and to understand that this has been going on for a long time, it helped me to see that I cannot change all of this over night. The reality is that we will encounter people like this in any area of our life. The best way to protect ourselves and help smite out confusion and self-doubt is to understand how they operate. It helps to gain control over what we can our own minds, actions, and responses – set boundaries.

I have a list to look at to help me each day taken from here SETTING AND ENFORCING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES!

Assess the current state of your boundaries, using the list below:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
• Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
• Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.

UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by:

• Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
• Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

Ok, I am ending this now it is much longer than I wanted it to be – 80′s music! (Yes, I was an MTV kid.)

Blondie-Call Me

Depeche Mode - Just Can’t Get Enough (With Lyrics)

INXS – Devil inside

Erasure – a little respect (I’m so in love with you I’ll be forever blue … )

JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS – I Hate Myself For Lovin’ You (Rawr!!!)

Mötley Crüe – Live Wire (Woooot! ’cause I’m alive, live wire!! Hee hee)

New Order – Blue Monday (must-listen-addicted-to-song-happy-making-me)

Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf (You know it!)

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark - Electricity

Poison – I Want Action (Bwaaa haaaa)

Yazoo ( Yaz ) — Don’ t Go

I suppose I should link to a-ha – Take On Me (Official Video) :-)

Too many to choose! These had happy vibes.

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02/26/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.

Various excerpts:

I. Instability and Lability

The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

II. Recurrent Losses

Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.

There is a lot of information for each section on the website.

Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.) We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.

Instability with jobs can be for various reasons.

I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.

I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.

It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. I could go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.

Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)

I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”

There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.

There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer.

I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee)

Can you tell I have been in research mode? I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.

Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.

I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.

I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.

My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.

I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.

Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer)

All Introversion is Not the Same

The Power of Introverts – Ep 1 (This is a video series about introverts based on the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain.)

Last bit of my narcissism “fixation.”

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

How Does the Narcissist Control his Prey?

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!

What is Domestic Violence?

Learn the Warning Signs

“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.

The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”

I found this link helpful too Learn the difference between anger, aggression, and violence.

Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely.

I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.

In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.

I am quite productive.

AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person here is a link with some helps DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION.

WHAT IS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR?

Ok, I believe I have made this long enough.

I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday!

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01/20/13

Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism I

The other day, I posted something on my personal Facebook page. Here is the quote:

“When you’re young, you look at television and think, There’s a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that’s not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That’s a far more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really in business to give people what they want. It’s the truth.” — Steve Jobs

I had seen several things throughout the week about conspiracies.

One conspiracy being about President Obama being a terrorist and wreaking havoc in our country and government, again. If I recall, I believe there have always been conspiracies flapping about our Presidents throughout the centuries.

Americans seem to love them BOOKS OF THE TIMES; Americans Love a Conspiracy, but Why?

I grow tired of seeing such things and being linked to people who continue to believe or even spend time thinking that they are real. If it were only one person I could easily brush it off, but on my personal fb page there are quite a few who fall into the spell of conspiracy. However, I admit, I do at times enjoy the research and dismantling of a conspiracy theory or two.

What does this have to do with fear, anxiety, stress, and autism?

Well, when I posted it, I was fine. I was finished on the computer and walked off to take a break. I walked the few feet from my desk to the living room and sat down on the couch. Within about two minutes, my anxiety was in full hyper mode. I started to feel fear. My chest was pounding. My head was racing. I could feel the anxiety like a bunch of bees swarming all through my head to my heart. I started to have problems breathing then, swallowing.

I wondered what could have happened to cause this to manifest.

I decided to try something different. I normally allow my mind to race and wander, desperately seeking answers as to why I could be feeling anxiety. This time I sat there and said to myself, “Feel it.” I allowed myself to sit quietly feeling everything that the anxiety was causing both my mind and body. I did not try to stop it or understand it.

I just felt it.

It only took about five minutes for it to settle. After it was over, I asked myself how I felt. I felt afraid, but I was not sure why. I took a deep breath and thought about what I could be afraid of, it did not take long. A family member had posted a video about a conspiracy theory regarding the Sandy Hook Elementary and President Obama.

My post came directly after theirs.

Any news about that school is a trigger for me. It caused me a great deal of pain, confusion, anxiety, fear, and stress on multiple levels.

Not only did I have that trigger, but I also had my family trigger.

There are certain people in my family that cause me a great deal of pain. From my perspective, they have continually rejected me throughout my life. I do not understand why and many times, it feels deliberate. I feel this on facebook in great multitudes. When I post things, they are rarely acknowledged.

They do not “like” any pictures of me or my kids.

They do not acknowledge pictures of me with my sister or aunt, but will acknowledge pictures of solely my aunt and sister if they are together. I have for the most part stopped liking, acknowledging their posts because I do not feel that they care, or even want to be reminded of my existence.

There are basically two people who do this on a “regular basis,” but there are several who do it too.

There could be reasons for it; maybe they do not see my posts? However, on several occasions, I have directly posted in the comments while others did too and they did not address my comments at all, but did the other people. It has been too many times to consider it a coincidence at this point – it has been well over a year since it has gotten so blatant.

As I thought about this, I realized that I am afraid of my family.

I would state whom specifically, but I do not feel that needs to be written out. I can say that the real fear is of rejection and abandonment. (I know that I have talked about this a lot, but my mind is finally “getting it.” If you know what I mean.) I feel that I am constantly ignored, my kids are constantly ignored, and when I do try to step out I encounter too many confusing social situations or actions. I have no idea how these people feel about me. And that is what causes the most anxiety. I do not get afraid of serial killers, terrorists, nuclear war, robbers, or things like that.

No, I get panic ridden fear when I think I am going to see a family member.

Especially, one that I have not seen for a while or who has caused me hurt, confusion in the past (present), and who have made me feel like I was doing something wrong. If I had understood some of the social dynamics that I do now I may have been able to dismiss emotional outbursts, or plain manipulation. I really do not know, I still struggle with this – I cannot make sense of people not doing and saying what they mean, or trying to manipulate another person. I am shaking my head; I just do not get it. It is such a foreign world to me. I know we all manipulate to some extent.

I mean manipulate to make someone else look bad or to control the situation through lies and cons.

As I sat there thinking about all of my triggers being set off, it occurred to me that my anxiety has its own conspiracy theorist. Whenever the anxiety starts to arise it pulls up all of my past encounters that are similar, if it is with a specific person it will pull up every single negative encounter we ever had. Once, the visuals start going it will then, manifest all of the pain, fear, and stress that were occurring simultaneously during the time of the negative encounters.

I become bombarded with fear, anxiety, and stress.

Even if it was something that happened when I was 9 years-old, I will remember how they treated me. Along with what happened at school that day, the music I heard on the bus, what I was wearing when I ran home to get away from the bullies, whether my mom yelled at me that night, if I had a nightmare, I will feel and see everything onto the current year. I have gotten a grip on this. I manage to control my mind “time-travels” if I am not bombarded with sensory overload or other types of stress.

I find it very interesting that I can go through other traumatic events and manage to not become affected in this way.

The second part will come tomorrow, this post became much longer than I expected! Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism II…

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08/14/12

Love Blindness: Peeling The First Layer

I am not really sure where I am going with this. I am planning to ask others to help me out here to gather words for what I am trying to describe and ultimately help myself understand. The goal of writing about this is to process and get to some sort of balance in my mind. Currently, my way of thinking about what I have deemed as “love blindness” is in a negative way. What is love blindness?

I suppose it would fall under something like the mind-blindness definition. (Wiki)

Mind-Blindness can be described as a cognitive disorder where an individual is unable to attribute mental states to the self and other. As a result of this disorder the individual is unaware of others’ mental states. The individual is also not capable of attributing beliefs and desires to others.[1] This ability to develop a mental awareness of what is in the mind of an individual is known as the Theory of Mind (ToM). This allows one to attribute our behaviour and actions to various mental states such as emotions and intentions. Mind-blindness is associated with autism and asperger’s syndrome (AS) patients who tend to show deficits in social insight.[2] In addition to autism, AS, and schizophrenia, ToM and mind-blindness research has recently been extended to other disorders such as dementia, bi-polar disorders, anti social personality disorders as well as normal aging.[3]

Hm… I do not agree with this completely.

I have only had terms to use that are negative tone in nature. This definition sounds negative to me for some reason, but I cannot articulate exactly what it is. I have called myself a robot because I seem to lack some sort of emotion at certain times. I can feel like I have no feeling at all toward someone, but I do. Feeling it and acting on love are different for me. Acting on love means more to me than someone telling me the words. Anyone can say “I love you.” Not everyone means it. If someone loves me I need to see it, it helps to hear it too. Anyone who knows me knows that I am far from being a robot. I care deeply about people. I feel emotions deeply. I can read emotions in others in the same room, or even hundreds of miles away. (People I know obviously) I admit that there is a disconnect when it comes to myself. If the emotions are about me, I find it difficult to read. I need people to be very clear, direct, and not to mess with me.

I can be easily fooled into believing that someone has the best intentions toward me.

Ironically, I can pick up immediately when someone does not have the best intentions for another person. I cannot explain this phenomenon. It takes me a very long time to figure out if someone is manipulating me. It takes me a long time to figure out if their actions are deliberate, learned behaviors, insecurities, or unintentional all together. I found some interesting reads during the last week several of them are about self-haters and their behaviors. I will share this one. Self-Hate Patterns

I realized without a doubt that I am not truly a self-hater.

I tend to attract these types of people, which sends me into confusion and doubt about myself. It causes me to have a jumbled sense of emotions and intentions of others. The earliest memories I can recall are filled with this sense of I should not like myself. For some reason I should be ashamed of myself. I should not feel safe being myself. Thinking about it I am not sure how much of this “hidden” shame was because how people felt about my parents being teenage parents. Nowadays it seems to be the “in” thing, (Because they have reality shows on several channels and such, I am not judging only observing. I come from a long line of unwed teenage parents.) but in the 70′s it was still a ghastly thing.

Then there was the shame of my mom being a single parent, me not having a father around.

I was mocked and made fun of starting from Kindergarten to Elementary for such things. Something I had no control over. People made me feel bad because I was ok with not having my dad around. Quite honestly, I did hold my dad upon a pedestal, but I wonder how much of that was me trying to keep a connection in my heart. He was like a rock star to me, and I could adore him and forgive the pains he put me through because of that. That is another whole can of worms.

The point is I felt like I was not supposed to be all right with myself.

Between my living conditions, parental conditions, my appearance, and my oddities – I should not like myself. There is a family dynamic too that plays into this the unspoken rule that “you should never be proud of your accomplishments because it makes everyone else feel bad.” Never be proud because that is sinful! I have no idea how to be proud, or even recognize my accomplishments because of this and because I tend to have people around me who always need building up. They vaguely see my accomplishments, can down play them or constantly bring up their accomplishments as to make me feel inadequate – though they feel they are my biggest support.

I am sharing these to give an idea as to why I may have a disconnect with myself.

There are several reasons and I do know that abuse plays into this as well. I have been unable to trust my “gut” in this area because I have had so many people in my life tell me they love me, but twist things. Now that it is discovered that I am on the autism spectrum and have ALL of these anxiety/sensory/emotional issues it has been used against me. It has not been helpful in getting people to understand me. It has caused more problems with some relationships. I will say it has helped a great deal with my mom, my aunt, and my sisters that live near my mom. Maybe it will take time I do not know, I do know that some people are not going to change and I do not know what to do about it. My “issues” are only an opportunity for those who are self-haters to thrive and confuse me.

I am not blind to love. There is a scene in Forrest Gump, hold on let me see if I can find it… here it is.

I see both sides and have felt both ways that Forrest and Jenny express here. (Jenny’s is unspoken and I get it.) Something tugged at my heart years ago when I would watch this scene and to this day. I cannot place words to it, but somehow it explains something for me. I have an understanding of what love is, but love for me has been so wrapped around manipulation, abuse, conflicting actions/words, nonacceptance, abandonment, none of those have felt like love. Creating the idea that I am unlovable, unless… Unless I am someone else, but still I am rejected when I am not myself. I have learned a deeper type of love with my children. I am learning a deeper type of love with my aunt and mom.

They know that it is going to take many confirmations and continual acceptance for me to “get it.”

I am doing that for them as well. They both suffer from this love blindness type of thing. It has been the only way to protect ourselves because we have been so terribly hurt. However, it has not been purposely done. We did not sit down and say, “Now I will stop feeling.” It does not work like that – I always assumed that something was seriously wrong me. We have many commonalities here, but something that needs to change in order to move forward is negative self-thinking. Another commonality we share is absorbing the emotions around us. We begin to believe that we are the problem, or the “bad” person. That is why self-haters need to be identified, sometimes it not possible to get away from them. That means there has to be a way to protect oneself from absorbing their negativity. I am not sure how, I am only now seeing and understanding all of this.

I read these and thought they were good.

Breaking Free from the Bonds of Badness

There’s Something Wrong with Me

What is Emotional Abandonment?

Haters Defined

I need to gain enough confidence in my abilities to trust my feelings.

Part of that has to be that I accept that people do operate like that and I need to learn the ability to not allow them to manipulate me. I need to learn to stop being confused. I need concrete scripts. I have talked about this before, I know, but my brain has to go through its process. It is layer by layer. I have realized that with the negatives that are around me I need positives to counteract the words and actions to help me keep a perspective.

I have changed some of my patterns.

Instead of looping and trying to figure it out, I am calling my aunt or mom and asking them to help me. Neither of them gives “fluff” answers. They will tell me if I am being emotionally sensitive. They do not play games and though sometimes they sound very harsh, there are many times that I need that. They are not harsh toward me – it is a directness that others may deem as harsh. Sometimes they are not the best people to go to and I am discovering that I need to rely on myself. I will also send a quick email to my internet friend, (she always helps when she can) or read blogs where I know I understand the people. They help remind me that the way that my mind works is acceptable, and that I am not doing anything wrong for being myself.

Well I have tapped the first layer of this.

I know there is more, but I am not sure how it will manifest. I need to define what love means to me – what I see as positive and acceptable behaviors toward me. The problem is that it is too broad for me. I cannot define it. I have a very hard time so I am going to ask you to help me. Does anyone else have a problem defining what love is, or how it should be expressed toward you? I seem to fine expressing love to others fairly easy, though I have to explain my actions at times. (And they are not always well received.) Still I know what love is and how to express it toward others. Please email me or comment here and give me some ideas as to how you know people love you. Please! And I am on facebook you can email me there or comment on my page.

Some other links that I have found very helpdful.

I must say WTF? (fudge) Why is so much of the information about romantic relationships? Shouldn’t we focus on being able to have relationships with people in general? What about family relationships? Why do we have to be considered inadequate without a romantic relationship? Relationships are with everyone, not only a significant other partner! Shouldn’t we know how to deal with people better before adding romance and physical issues into the mix? Not that it is not an important factor, but I see an imbalance of focus. We need all kinds of information not so single minded on the topic.

Maybe I am using the wrong search words.

Humph… I can guarantee that I have not used only a few, try a few hundred and still the same thing. It’s a good thing I can apply these principles to all relationships, but I would really like more about relationships and ASD as a whole. AND it really irks me that when I type these things in Aspergers and relationships, sociopath comes up! We are not sociopaths. Urgh! That is all I will say about that. Ok, that was my little side rant. Now on to some links.

(Asperger related links)

I Don’t Feel Love…Aspergers, Alexithymia (Wow! This one made a lot of sense.)

Are Aspies Capable of Love?

Asperger Relationships

Inability to love?

(non-Aspie related)

Inability to feel emotionally about anyone

Inability To Feel Love…

From Chapter 2 from I Love You Madly! Disturbances in Love Relations

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05/23/12

Making Friends With Triggers II

I believe that those of us who are on the autism spectrum are possibly more susceptible to more traumas on a daily basis. Our intense sensory issues, and if you have synesthesia like I do the sensory world is like being plopped into a whirlwind of emotional and sensory chaos pounding in, through, and out of your body constantly. It can make for traumatic experiences that others would never think of. Even if you do not have synesthesia, sensory processing issues can cause your world to be painful, confusing, and/or scary. Social confusion can cause your world to be emotionally painful, anxiety filled, and scary! Imagine how scary and traumatic this world is when you have no clue that you have sensory issues, social confusion, synesthesia, or that you process very differently from your peers, and others.

Traumatic.

It is a little different for those on the autism spectrum because sometimes the tiniest thing could be traumatic. For those of us who feel, and experience intensely because of the way our brain is wired, something that is seemingly harmless to the average person may think our feelings of trauma are senseless. Possibly even made-up, irrational, foolish, stupid, attention seeking, annoying, and bothersome. I could add a plethora of adjectives to this list, but I think you get the point. (A side note here, no one should downplay trauma. Every person is different, the same goes with stress and anxiety, these feelings are real for the person feeling them, whether you believe it are or not. Validate and help, you should not judge and condemn what you do not understand.)

They are none of the above.

They are real, and they can continue to be damaging if a person is not allowed to heal, express themselves, and learn how to find positive coping mechanisms in a safe environment. Dealing with trauma, I will add PTSD as well, require the ability to work through what has happened without judgment, condemnation, and attacks on how these issues affect another person. Such as a parent, spouse, or friend all need to be supportive in order for the person to heal. These issues need to be validated with acknowledgment, not voicing frustrations because of them. (I do understand the need for mutual understanding for all parties, but there needs to be an awareness of how these difficulties could cause that to be a very hard task.)

Being annoyed or dismissing someones painful experience, however, foolish you may think it is does not help.

For me, I am already frustrated with myself for feeling as if I am overreacting because of a reaction I have toward a sound, emotion, or a word. I do not need another person to add their frustrations to it. I need support, and understanding. I can get better with these situations when I feel encouraged. The more encouragement I get the more confident I am. Positive reinforcement helps me to stop the negative self-talk. I will add that it is important not to do positive reinforcement in a condescending tone, making statements suggesting that it is only being done to appease me, I can “feel” if it is not genuine, or treat me like a child because that will just tick me off and I’ll go into defense mode. Trauma is different for every person and how it is processed is different as well.

A loud “BANG!” sound at a carnival could cause years of trauma.

The chaotic surroundings, people, smells, lights, and all of the other sensory input as well as social dynamics will have the person already on defense and filled with anxiety. Even if they want to go, and it was their idea to go, it does not stop the mind from its faulty processing abilities, and social anxieties. Anxiety can be good feelings of complete elation and excitement, and it can be bad anxiety fill with fear, or phobias. When all of the surroundings are intense and all the sudden a loud “BANG!” goes off it could send the person into intense meltdown or complete shutdown.

There is trauma.

Definition of TRAUMA

1 a : an injury (as a wound) to living tissue caused by an extrinsic agent <surgical trauma> <the intra-abdominal organs at greatest risk to athletic trauma are the spleen, pancreas, and kidney—M. R. Eichelberger>—see blunt traumab : a disordered psychic or behavioral state resulting from mental or emotional stress or physical injury

2 : an agent, force, or mechanism that causes trauma

The autistic mind is different when it comes to processing.

The sound I mentioned earlier, it can be physically painful to hear such a sudden loud sound. Certain sounds can make me want to curl into a ball holding my ears – it makes my stomach hurt in a stabbing pain. Scraping ice literally feels like I am being cut with knives on the inside of my body. I have trauma triggers associated with fire drills at school. The unexpectedness and the loud sounds of it would cause my body physical pain. I am not even tapping on emotional processing.

Many times, I had no idea that I had experienced something traumatic.

I only responded with shutdown or meltdown and then, if something happened again I would relive everything. Since I notice patterns, I would (can) relive every single similar thing that has ever happened to me before. There are times when I am experiencing a traumatic situation, but do not know how to explain what is happening. If I feel like I am being verbally attacked with words and I am unable to defend myself, it is traumatic. Verbal trauma triggers can be linked to physical trauma triggers for me.

Many times trauma is associated with abuse.

While I do have abusers from my past, I believe there is another dynamic that plays out in the autistic mind. We carry memories deep in our psyche, we are unable to process our emotions rapidly, we can lose our ability to speak, or we are unable to explain ourselves properly. We can feel intense emotions of others and have no idea what is happening – these emotions can linger for years. Anxiety and confusion can make us feel hopeless or in a constant defense mode. Everything I have shared reveals that we feel vulnerable, uneasy in our environment, disconnected from our social situations, and we are also trying to process intense sensory input.

It goes into a deeper type of trauma when we feel attacked in an environment that is supposed to be safe.

It can cause serious looping, confusion, anger, fear, anxiety, among other things. I have heard several of the recorded abuse that has happened to autistic children from recent media outlets, and it is beyond infuriating. The poor children who are unable to communicate clearly, or who are unable to tell their parents that they have been bullied by these adults is horrifying. I hear these adults purposely triggering these kids into meltdowns, later these children are labeled as uncontrollable, or worse. These teachers/aides are well aware what triggers these children have because they are part of their IEP’s.

They have been given the information handed to them to be a perfect manipulator/bully/abuser.

I personally do not understand why anyone would want to cause such trauma in a child. I cannot fathom doing such a horrendous thing. However, it does not only happen to children. There are adults as well those who are lower functioning and high-functioning. (I hate these terms, but I do not know how else to word it.) There are people, even those who claim to be supportive who when are under stress, or who are angry will use the triggers to stir some sort of emotional response.

I do not understand this and I cannot articulate what I feel about it.

Maybe they are loving and supportive the majority of the time, which could cause even more deep-rooted trauma for a person on the autism spectrum. When we give trust and it has been violated, or abused in some way it is devastating. I have read that many of us tend to forgive and forget, and can fall into repeated patterns of being manipulated/abused/bullied. We tend to doubt ourselves and get jumbled by social confusion, or intense desire to want to be accepted.

I have been reading quite a bit about relationships for a while.

I have learned that people lash out in emotional states and say things on purpose to be hurtful. Apparently, many people understand that you are supposed to let those moments go. Whatever was said in the heat of the moment is not supposed to be taken seriously. That works for people who do not rely heavily on words to define their world. It works well for those who are able to process emotions easily, or at least able to understand that the emotions are speaking. For those of us who have experienced abuse, bullies, and manipulators it can be traumatic. For those of us who are unable to express themselves, or even know how to connect their emotions it can be traumatic.

It leaves lasting scars, confusion, and triggers.

It can leave lingering anxiety, and fears. On a positive note it does not have to stay that way. The mind is changeable, ever learning, ready to be transformed, and always seeking. In this area it seems that the more mindful and aware we are of our triggers, whether emotional or physical we can help mold them in a positive way. We can take hold of these things and learn from them. We can take our negative experiences and conform them to new strengths. We can learn what our triggers are and use them to help us prepare, or work through painful experiences that have been holding us back. Some things we will not be able to change about our minds, but we can learn to make our life much easier to understand. If we are able to explain ourselves, and not feel outcast for our feelings we can improve.

We can change, grow, and be productive and proactive.

We can help others, and share our experiences. We need a safe, judgmental free, and caring environment to do this. It doesn’t have to be a lot, many times the slightest bit of genuine encouragement can change a whole lot of things. I think it should be a goal to teach those on the spectrum how to encourage themselves, and gain the tools to have and keep confidence. It is hard to keep it in a world that is constantly attacking differences or things it does not understand. Learning to how to encourage oneself, and learning how to eliminate much of negative self-talk can change someone really quick! We need positive scripts to cast down all of the negative ones. Those words can be for anyone not only those on the autism spectrum. I am making friends with my triggers because they are helping me become friends with myself.

Sound cheesy? Well, I am kind of a cheesy person. Zoinks!

Resources!

New Clues on Rewiring Your Brain

How Do You Trigger Positive? Find Your Pathways to Happiness

Neuroscientists Identify How Trauma Triggers Long-Lasting Memories In The Brain

Trauma, Triggers and Flashbacks

Friday Video – Janet Treasure (Great quick video talking about eating disorders and autism.)

Gut Almighty

Building Bulletproof Courage

I have been speaking from an Aspergers perspective, but I understand that there are parents who feel trauma, possibly even PTSD raising an autistic child. As I have mentioned all throughout it is different for everyone. The first three to four years with Daniel felt very isolating, confusing, and at times traumatic. We can still have our days. I had my intense reactions, but completely unaware what was happening to me. I felt so helpless and distressed some days. If you are a parent not on the spectrum I understand that you have your own ways of processing and need to feel allowed to speak too. I found this article that may help you. It did help me too.

Autism and PTSD

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05/20/12

I Exist, I Exist

I am on a crusade of gaining parts of me back in a big way. The thing that I love about triggers, and the ways of humanity is that it helps me gain myself back. (I don’t really love anything about triggers, but they do help me gain perspective and understanding.) Every experience opens me up to things I have been too confused, or overwhelmed to see. Let’s see…in some cases, I have not wanted to see it. Why? Because I do not like to believe that I am right about people.

This is one reason why I have to limit my social encounters.

When I was alone, or with people that I did not feel the need to manage their emotions, I was much more capable of being around people. I am doing much better now that the kids are older, and Daniel is able to communicate. I still get swarmed with instant “feelings” about people. I have learned to stop myself from paying attention to these feelings, but they are still there. I learned to stop them because they were too confusing, people convinced me I was wrong, I felt bad for thinking that a person had wrong motives, and I would feel guilty when I discovered I was right.

I want so much to believe that people are good.

I naturally feel this, but the truth is many people are hurt. We all learn our own coping mechanisms and some of those can be traumatic for others. In my case if another person uses manipulative coping mechanisms on me it can cause me to turn inward and think that I am the problem. This works very well for manipulators, bullies, and abusers. It takes me a while to figure out that these things are happening to me – no it takes a long time for me to accept that these things are happening to me.

I see the good in people no matter how rotten they are.

I will have a tendency to speak evil of myself before I will speak evil of another person. However, I understand that speaking the truth is not speaking evil. I have been conditioned to believe this. I have been conditioned to believe that I am always wrong. I have been conditioned to believe that other people’s emotions and desires are more important than mine are. I have been conditioned to feel like who I am is not worthy of acceptance, freedom, and the ability to speak what is on my mind. This started from an early age and has continued. Falling into these types of relationships can be a case of familiarity and thinking it is the only way. There can be more expressed here, but I am not going into it.

BUT the thing about manipulators, good ones, is that they convince you that they are your “Biggest Fan!”

They filter in their language with pleasantries, words that sound like they are building up, and being supportive, but in reality, they have covered up the true meanings behind them. Their words are convincing and sound loving, but they contort them and speckle them with other words that constantly reassure you that you can do nothing without them.

You cannot prove a thing – they are in a continual state of shape shifting.

You feel at times like you are going insane. They twist your words, they twist their words, and they twist other people’s words, and become your entire world. When you step out a little bit they will attack you – completely off guard to keep you on your toes. There is a constant threat, but you never know what the threat is. You feel like you are trapped. Your whole existence feels as if it is stripped away and you cannot survive unless you have that breathing life force to convince you otherwise.

Once you realize all of this it is a sickening feeling.

What makes it worse is if the person is completely unaware of what they are doing. Though, whenever they feel stressed, out of control, or see you start to achieve goals that they were so supportive of, they can lash out. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. They know your triggers and they use them against you. They know your gifts and they use them against you. They know your weaknesses and they use them against you. They are afraid of losing something, and that something means more to them than anything else on earth. You know longer matter as a person you have now become their object.

They believe that it is love and support.

I was unaware of emotional manipulators, and I wrote a post last September about my discoveries. Emotional Manipulators–OMG! My mind is always pondering without my knowledge though – it is always collecting data, and watching for patterns. I will understand eventually, and I will apply what I have learned. People on the autism spectrum can be targets for these types of people. We can be naive, gullible, and have constantly forgiving hearts. We want to accept people because we know how painful it is not to be accepted. We can have the ability to see the good in people that others do not see. We have to be educated and trained up to know how to protect ourselves – it is crucial.

I do not believe that all emotional manipulators are bad.

The average person is manipulating through communication most of the day. We want people to gear toward what we are feeling, and we tend to lean toward convincing others that we are right. We want things our way – I understand that. It is different when the manipulation is causing another person to spiral into depression, isolation, and loss of self. Even if the manipulator never intended for this and truly cares about the person.

The problem with manipulators is that they do not believe they are manipulating.

They believe that they are the most loving and caring person – sacrificing everything for the sake of the other. I am realizing that after many, many years of feeling fear of not existing, feeling invisible, being unheard, and not having a voice these feelings are starting to crumble. I do exist, I do have a voice, and I am working very hard at casting down the voices that try to convince me otherwise. I have to remind myself that I exist. Me – the person that I know is inside. I lost who I was, I am gaining that person back, and I am discovering new things as well.

Apparently, this is pretty common for Aspie women who begin to wander into their 40′s.

I read that from Rudy Simone’s latest book, which has helped me have my eyes opened to A LOT of things. Last September, when I wrote about some of this, I was 38 years-old and truly did not know about emotional manipulators. The thought of others who may not know either breaks my heart. It causes such pain, confusion, self-condemnation, loss of self-confidence, isolation, depression, among other things. I still have not grasped this – it is so foreign to me. Also, I have been in a constant state of self-doubt throughout my life that it makes it hard to accept these things. I have learned to blame myself first, and think the other person is right. I am working on that though, and I am already feeling my mind change.

Here are some resources I found helpful.

7 Signs You’re in a Manipulative Relationship

How to Detect Micro Expressions

Verbal Emotional Abuse

Manipulation and Relationship Triangles

An Examination of Emotional Manipulation

Excerpt from above post:

“Another reason I haven’t addressed this directly is that my parents are great people. Sometimes I’m not sure they’re even aware of how what they say affects me. I don’t think they sit around strategizing about how to emotionally manipulate me, it just sort of happens. And amazingly, it’s done in some way out of love.”

Emotional Abuse Awareness (I have the images below from this link.)

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01/2/12

Living in Hide Mode

It is no secret that my mind is constantly going. It never stops, even in my sleep it seems to be trying to explain things to me. Apparently I am supposed to have listening ears, and I am gaining some major ground in my independence and creativity. Well according to some dreams interpretations, I can interpret it that way because I do like cats. If I did not like cats it would be a completely different outcome. I do like looking things up from all kinds of sources, but I know that the bottom line is my brain is processing what I already know.

The question is if I want to listen or not.

My dreams have managed to wake up some memories that I had forgotten. Many were traumatic, but I am in a good place to work through them. A main reason for this is gaining the understanding that you are allowed and validated in calling out the wrongs that have been done to you. It is valid to say that you are angry, upset, or affected emotionally in some way by what people have done. Realistically I know this, I teach my kids this, and I give them a voice to speak openly. I am constantly telling others the same thing, but for some reason it has not applied to me. I have said that it does, but I did not accept it. I still held on to guilt about speaking out my fears, anger, hurts, and even joys.

It was a huge revelation to me to comprehend that it does not have to be black-and-white.

I watched a program where they were doing intense therapy, I was very happy to know that I have been on the right track with my own healing. I also got confirmation that in these months that I have been doing this emotional work my sudden outbreaks of emotional devastation and crying spurts are very normal. This has been hard to accept for a person who has not allowed true release while shedding tears — they were just salty waters that fell. The trauma and pain was still trapped inside a locked box. It also revealed that I had been in denial for years, which can cause you to think that you have dealt with things when you actually have not. Or that there was (is) no problem at all.

This explains my repeating loop pattern over certain events because I did not really deal with them.

It is very important to understand and accept too that there are many layers to trauma. One of my main problems was that I didn’t think that I was traumatized — I believed what people told me that I was “just overreacting”. I have clusters of trauma throughout my life, some of it more devastating because of my Aspie mind, but still some of the things that I have gone through “normal” people would have a hard time with as well. Trauma is trauma every person is affected differently, just like stress, and it all matters. We all have to deal with it or block in whatever way to help us cope.

I have managed a lot of my trauma by hiding.

I hid behind masks, I used mirroring as a way to cope, I used friends or significant others to shadow, I used alcohol, and various other things as a way to escape into my own world. I forgot the things that started me hiding my writings, poetry, and stories. I used to write songs also, but I would not dare tell someone that after the way dad responded. He didn’t really express any interest at all, but a few years later when my little sister wrote a song it was all he talked about. He told me about the events of it being created and then, when they came to visit us he played guitar for her and they both sang the song together. I was not jealous, I was confused. I was happy for her. I thought it was great, but I knew that I had to hide my response because my dad would have accused me of being jealous — I have been accused of being jealous of my sisters a lot. I am not we are completely different, and I like that. Many times my response to things like I just mentioned was taken as jealousy.

I was confused, I believe rightfully so.

AND I do not feel guilty for saying that. I cannot recall attempting to write any songs since then. While in high school my first boyfriend would invade my room. He read my diaries and that caused me to stop writing my true feelings. I wrote in my notebooks and hid them in my locker, he found them. I got in trouble, and one time he threw the spiral notebook at face cutting my cheek in the lunch room. In front of my “friends” one of which ended up being my second boyfriend, who did nothing. I will mention here as well that during lunch one day my second boyfriend to be called me “Moose Hicky”. I got up and left holding back the tears until I got to the bathroom. He was always making fun of me, but telling me that they were just jokes and that I should lighten up. He did that throughout our whole relationship.

I could not tell friend from foe, and I assumed that I was wrong and he was right.

I digress — my first boyfriend went through all of my things, all of the time. I started to hide things that I wrote in my basement. I would hide poems and things behind my cassette tape cases. I hid things in my books because he never touched my books. I hid my writings in my mom’s album sleeves. Then, came a day when all of my diaries were gone. I had not been writing “real” things in them because I knew that he would read them. I still started to panic though. They were gone. They were mine and they were gone. I asked my mom about them, but she was the extreme opposite and would not go in my room or touch anything of mine like that because of her parents invading her space while growing up. She swore that she would never do that to her children. She knew nothing about me or what was going on in my room unless it was too messy or I got in trouble then she would remove my doors so that I had no privacy at all.

I asked my step dad if he knew where they were, he claimed not to know.

I discovered later that he lied, when his truck was impounded after their divorce, the truck was in my mom’s name so she had to get it back and pay for it — I found them hidden under his seat. I also discovered a while later from my first boyfriend when my step dad and his friends would go deer hunting they would get drunk and stoned sitting around reading my diaries. My first boyfriend had similar connections in town since he and my step dad both did drugs. I was beyond devastated. I was sick for weeks, at least I had them back, but I stopped eating and sank into depression. From then on I made sure that I hid everything very well. I did not start sharing my writing again until I shared my poetry, songs, and other writings with family.

I received what felt like mostly indifference, silence or comparisons with other family members.

I will say not all of all them responded that way, but since it’s so hard to read people I was not sure what their responses meant. I assumed that my writings and what I had to share had little value. I still had the impact of my mom’s response from years earlier as well that stuck in my thoughts. I had hidden away my imagination and emotions and only allowed myself to write prayers or petitions to God. I still wrote, but I hid them on my computers, tucked away in the middle of prayer journals, and various other places never to be seen. I normally told no one that I wrote anything. I started writing stories again in 2009, but would not allow myself to finish. I didn’t begin writing poetry truly connecting to my own emotions or thoughts until I started the poetry blog. I actually started that one so I could use the “like” button, not to put my poetry out there, but I found that it was helping me. When I started sharing some of my short stories by creating another blog for them it started making me feel more comfortable. Slowly I have been working through my fear of sharing, and coming out of hiding even more.

It is a huge feat for me to overcome these fears and share what I write.

It wasn’t only that people read my innermost thoughts or violated me, but that they mocked me that helped to form these fears. My first boyfriend made fun of me or got angry and violent. I found out that my step dad and his friends sat around laughing and mocking me as well. I think I was between 14-15 years old when all of that happened. My first boyfriend continued this invasion of my notebooks, room, lockers, and later my car until I was finally able to be rid of him. That is another long story. All of this made me hide, and hide my writings. I have taken back my writing, and most days I feel comfortable with sharing. I welcome constructive criticism I do not see that as rejection, but a helpful tool. The difference with sharing now is that I am not being violated — I am sharing freely so now the fear lies in another form of rejection.

Though it does not consume me, well most days it doesn’t.

I managed to get some stories out in the past few months by forcing myself to not edit and just let the story flow. I have also been attempting story poems, or longer poems. I am trying new things. I have many hidden away on my computer, but I have been afraid to read them again because of what I may have written. I have only shared a few of them with people, and got derailed a bit my no response. I decided to treat it as I do with this blog I just write on here more freely than in the past, but I allow myself to share. That is one reason why I started my story blog to write a story and not care so much about the grammar, and writing rules. I wanted to allow myself to write whatever I felt. I was forcing myself to face my fear. I have allowed my imagination to go free. It takes a lot for me to share stories or poetry because I feel very exposed. They are a part of me that has not been allowed out for quite some time.

I think this, I can define as an accomplishment.

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09/15/11

Emotional Manipulators–OMG!

I had no idea that emotional manipulators existed. In my naïvity I have been completely unaware that people use emotions to manipulate. I understood to a point, I guess. Honestly though it has not been something that has crossed my mind. Why would it? I can barely understand my emotions I cannot possibly spend time trying to manipulate others. There have been a series of events that have led me to researching emotional manipulators, I am not going to go into them even though every fiber in my being wants to give every minute detail….Let me say, my brain takes a while to get things. It is like part of my brain is writing in the future and doesn’t understand what it is writing about until much later.

I came up with a title “Angel’s Brain Delay”.

Just because I am on delay does not mean that I won’t get it. I wish someone would help me get it a bit faster though! I guess I need to do my own process so I truly grasp what I am learning/seeing. There is a lot in all of this, but I feel like it is very important to write about. Especially for those on the autism spectrum or those who are their supporters. We need people to watch out for us! We need people who are trustworthy and are supportive. We need people around us who will act upon their “gut” feelings about others who come into our lives. People who love us and have our best interest in mind, not theirs.

Throughout my life I have had family and friends tell me about their doubts and concerns after the fact.

They have questioned and doubted their own feelings because I gave the perception of being happy. I wore masks because I thought that I was wrong about my own “gut” feelings. I sat in silence about my doubts and concerns about people in my life because everyone seemed to like them and think that they were great. My mind can get easily confused by people’s motives and being prone to thinking that I am the one who is wrong, I will default to how I perceive others acting toward that person. The problem is that the people that I trust most have the same issue as I do, they think that they are the problem.

It has taken me a while, but I have some real clarity about emotional manipulation.

It is like being brainwashed, in many ways you are. You lose identity, voice, confidence, and your brain becomes confused. For someone like me, I am a target for people like that. It is very clear if you have read my blog about relationships or anything about people that I am easily manipulated. However, when I see and comprehend something there is no turning back. It has taken years upon years for me to look at my life and get to this moment to say: “I am not the problem!” My goodness I have not done anything wrong. What really gets me and throws me into confusion are those who say: “Oh, no Angel you haven’t done anything wrong. I support you completely and want the best for you.” While they are saying and doing little things to trigger doubt and insecurity. It makes me feel like I am insane!

I know that there are many others who have felt this way.

We are not weak or insecure, but have been convinced that we are and finally give in and believe it. I would give examples of my own life, but I have plenty throughout this blog. Once you see the pattern and the signs you cannot help, but see it with clarity. I am going to share several resources that have great information. This is so important for a person on the autism spectrum, we can go from the extreme of trusting any and everyone to trusting no one and living just to protect ourselves. We are vulnerable because of our lack of social understanding, especially people’s intentions. Those who seem to be the most trustworthy and looking out for our best interest could be the worst possible person in our life.

I think the hardest part for me to grasp is that it is not on purpose.

Most people who are emotional manipulators do not set out to be that way. They are not trying to hurt others. They are operating out of their own hurt and insecurities. They are trying to control every aspect of their own emotions to ensure that they never get hurt. In the process they have become completely dependent on another person for their emotional gauge and happiness. With a person like me, these type of people are poison. They slowly kill me and cause me to waste away. I begin to shut down everything. I get so confused and sick that I cannot live unless I am numb. It was easy before when I thought everything was my fault, but now that I see it I cannot accept that it is my fault. I have had a flood of my past and recent experiences and I cannot accept that I am solely at fault for all that they claimed I was.

I have my own problems, I am sure some things are my fault, but I am not taking ALL the blame any longer.

I didn’t truly understand passive-aggressive behavior until several months ago. It is hard for me to comprehend people doing things like that so I have been digging around and found this article that I thought was very good in explaining aggression. Two Types of Aggression There is a section called “The Process of Victimization” that really helped me understand how I could fall into victimization. Here are some things taken from each section and my voice about it.

“But because we can’t point to clear, objective evidence they’re aggressing against us, we can’t readily validate our feelings.”

Oh, goodness! YES!! I think that Aspie’s can have an even greater challenge because of this.

“The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they’re hurting, caring, defending, …, almost anything but fighting.”

I get taken every time I feel like someone is in need or hurting, I have mentioned before that I have a “help” trump card in my brain that will default my reason if I feel someone is hurting or in need. I get played.

“All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might exploit.”

There are many things deemed as weakness or insecurities in me that have been exploited. I believe the main problem is my lack of understanding and I think that those of us who are not as wise to social cues, unspoken rules and the ways of the world have more of a challenge here.

“What our gut tells us a manipulator is like, challenges everything we’ve been taught to believe about human nature.”

Ok, thank you. I am not completely blind here. My gut tells me one thing and my brain gets confused because I hear something that feels wrong, but it is said with a smile or with a “I only care about you and want the best for you.” kind of talk.

The whole article is quite insightful and very helpful. I suggest reading the whole thing. I did find a couple of videos that were good and several other articles. It is so strange when things get connected and become very clear. However, it is pointless to try to communicate to someone who is an emotional manipulator, it will always be your fault or someone else’s fault. They will confuse and distort words and what you are saying. For me, I just shutdown because I get so confused and mixed up. I tend to become very strange in my behavior because I am so utterly confused and do not know what to do. I will stop talking as well. I honestly do not know if people who are like this can change.

It seems highly unlikely, unless they are willing to recognize and take action on their part.

I understand that people operate out of pain and hurt themselves. I understand that people may have grown up in environments where that is all they know and it is the only way that they feel in control. I understand some people are just rotten. I understand it, but I do not fully grasp it. I guess all of us at some point manipulate others to get what we want. But I am truly clueless when I do it. It wouldn’t cross my mind to try to use someone to get what I want. Especially, their emotions. I see how it is a very good tactic though, emotions can make people do practically anything.

Oh, well here are some resources.

Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation

How to Protect Yourself From Emotional Manipulation (Seems cleaner than above version.)

Emotional Manipulation Disguised (A personal blog)

How to Deal With a Manipulator

Emotional Manipulation (This was hard to read with all of the colors and fonts, but it had some good information.)

Recognizing Emotional Abuse Video (This video hit me hard because he first speaks about how our behavior is learned by our children.”To teach our children confidence we first need to have confidence.” I don’t want my kids confused like I have been or lacking self esteem. I don’t know about the woman in the beginning or the excerpt of song at the end though.)

Emotional Manipulation–What it is & Are You Using It? (This guy is a hoot! He was kind of hard to watch and listen to at times, but he had some good information too and I thought it was worth sharing.)

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05/29/11

On Being Vulnerable

I am in a rambling mood today. I decided to share some of my thoughts about being vulnerable. Thinking of my own vulnerability, I decided to look the word up again and read through the definition.

vulnerable (ˈvʌlnərəb ^əl) — adj

1. capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt

2. open to temptation, persuasion, censure, etc

3. liable or exposed to disease, disaster, etc

4. military liable or exposed to attack

5. bridge (of a side who have won one game towards rubber) subject to increased bonuses or penalties [C17: from Late Latin vulnerābilis, from Latin vulnerāre to wound, from vulnus a wound]

As I thought about the definitions I went through many events in my life and how I have been incredibly vulnerable.

There is something special about a child and even the rare adults, possibly on the spectrum, who have an innocent vulnerability. There is an openness and freedom that has not yet been tainted, or discovered. The hurts of this world have not caused a protective layer from the outside attacks. For some this innocent vulnerability is stolen from them at a quite young age and they have to put on some sort of armor in order to survive. For others, it is years and years of people mishandling the vulnerability. It seems there are others as well who have watched the attacks on the vulnerable and decided they would put on their armor based on the possibility of such attacks.

I do not realize my innocent vulnerability until after the fact.

In the past I have covered myself with shields, hoping I had them tightly fitted as to stop the arrows from penetrating. I would then forget. As much as I try to keep patterns of people and their behavior at the fore front of my mind, I cannot always remember what the attacks look like. I find it interesting that I am unable to read these things for myself but for others I can see them clearly. I am very protective of my children’s vulnerability. At this age I really do not care if people think that I am overprotective, I want them to have that freedom instilled in them. I also want to equip them with the knowledge of how vulnerability works and how people will prey upon it.

I do not want them afraid of being vulnerable nor afraid of invulnerability.

There can be a healthy balance. They can be taught to be wise, I am talking about safe vulnerability. They need to be able to say what they feel without the fear that someone will come along and tell them that they are weak for doing so. I am not talking about the vulnerability that comes with abuse, that is unacceptable. I am only tapping on being open and honest and having the freedom to feel emotional issues. Our society has made it wrong or unacceptable to be vulnerable. We get trampled on by our vulnerability. We get bullied, tortured emotionally and belittled for expressing our true feelings.

In a way, I see how using our own vulnerability can be our weapon.

If given the freedom in a safe environment to express ourselves, we feel validated in our words and actions. We become stronger in them. I have had my vulnerability cause people to run. Most people do not like to be open and honest, or they can’t for some of the reasons I listed earlier. A’ha! My weapon of defense. It will cause those who are not accepting of me, to flee. I am sure I have not expressed myself in the best ways, I may have run from me too. It is hard to handle, but in the long run I think it’s worth it. I think a lot of my vulnerability comes from lack of social skills, such as reading body language or understanding verbal cues. I seem to have no idea that I am being attacked.

I may feel something at that moment.

However, it is only later that I discover that I am feeling a tinge in my head of confusion, anxiety and fear and I do not know why. I then replay the situations over and over in my mind to try to discover what had just happened. When I see it. I have a choice. Sometimes I would run and hide, other times I faced it head on. It would depend on how I felt about the situation. If I felt I was going to gain more damage I would internalize, if I felt that I wasn’t going to let it hold me back, I would face it. However, both of these have caused me great harm. But have they?

I am still changed and that can be good.

They can only harm me as much as I allow. Again, I am not talking about emotional abuse that is entirely different. In some cases, it is good to be oblivious. Since I did not understand some situations, I wasn’t hurt terribly by them. There were times, that after realizing the situation, I became terribly hurt.

But what do we do with that hurt?

I am not an angry person (despite my rage at times), I am very forgiving and tend to forget the bad things that people do. It can be detrimental to me at times, but then again I ask myself do I want to be angry and unforgiving? Not really. There always has to be a balance, I understand that. The only way to gain balance is to understand what is out of balance. It is ok to be vulnerable as long as it will not destroy or harm you. I am thinking being vulnerable, can be good or bad, you have the power to use it for either.

We got the power!

I have a terrible time not being honest, it physically makes me ill and I cannot eat or sleep until I have come up with the best way to be honest. Sometimes my honesty hurts people but I cannot keep it in me. It has to come out. I am not sure if others feel this so intensely but I cannot live with myself if I hide things. It usually comes out in some crazy babble anyway, so I just say it now. This kind of vulnerability is not always conscious, often it just comes out before I have ever given it a thought. I ask is it that wrong? Of course, I do not mean speaking viciously toward people. We need tact.

I am just thinking, it would be nice to have the freedom of being vulnerable without the ridicule or fear for doing so.

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02/23/11

The New Journey

In my previous post I spoke about how David and I met and what we felt called to do in our new life together. We moved across country to start a coffee shop ministry. The vision for the ministry was to bring all Christian denominations together through the arts. We felt like it should be a place that ministered to both believers and non-believers. Through means of music, art, poetry, woodwork, sculpting, films and guest speakers, those were some of the outlets. We had to live with David’s mom and step-dad for the first several months we were there. That was an interesting time that truly brought us closer together in a very short period. We lived in a bedroom with both of my cats, his mom had two cats and three dogs, we had to keep my cats locked up because they still had claws and were not too friendly with others.

That was interesting to say the least.

For a long period of time we were unable to find work, David was still working on his thesis and we were networking for the coffee shop ministry. We got connected with many great people who saw the vision and supported us, not financially because we never felt that we were supposed to receive an income from the ministry. However, the owners of several local coffee shops opened their doors to us and gave us free rein on the weekends to have people come in and share their art. It was a win-win for both parties because the coffee shop would gain new customers/business and the artists would gain exposure/business. There were times that it was very frustrating having churches tell us that they did not want it to be a mix of denominations. Then there was the business of trying to “sell” us to congregations.

One pastor of a megachurch told us that he could have his 1300 young adults there every Sat., all we had to do was join a small group.

We did not feel comfortable in that church or with the proposal so we just let it drop. It was mainly how the pastor made it clear that he could influence his people to go wherever he said. Scary. So many churches loved the idea but wanted us to be under their umbrella. We felt like it was not supposed to be a part of a specific church. Finally, we got involved with an internet ministry and became a parachurch ministry under them. They brought us on to write articles for them dealing with many different topics. We met different people and were exposed to a lot of different ministries. David eventually got an adjunct position at a Christian University and we had really warmed out our welcome at his parents house. They had their own financial burdens.

It was time for us to leave but we had no money and no place to go.

Many of the people we had met stepped up and rallied around us through prayer and funds. We were able to get a horrible apartment for $200 a month with David cleaning the grounds to help with rent. We felt like it was a palace! We didn’t care about the location or the black mold it was ours and it was huge compared to the room we had been in. We finally managed to start the coffee shop ministry and had many different artists come through. We had paintings, photography, indie Christian films that would offend a lot of Christians but the messages were great because they were painful and challenging, poets, musicians, and some speakers. It didn’t last long though, we got pregnant and I started to get very sick from the mold and the pregnancy.

David had to find more work and I was in bed the first few months of the pregnancy.

From the beginning we felt like we were supposed to start it and others were to take over. After we got pregnant I just couldn’t keep up with getting artists to come and David had to get as much work as possible. Again people rallied around us and helped us get into a much nicer apartment. We had a great experience while we did the coffee shop, we met many believers who felt like they just couldn’t step into a church building ever again and they enjoyed the freedom of being themselves. There were artists who felt like their talent was wasting away because there was no outlet for them in the Body of Christ but the ministry was giving them the outlet they longed for. There was freedom of beliefs and freedom of expression. If ever I felt the power of God it was in the moments that the artists were operating freely in their gifting and expressing themselves before man and God.

I loved when people would say things like “I never knew Christians were creative.”

Doesn’t that seem wrong? I know not everyone is a Christian but the sheer belief that we are supposed to believe in the Creator, wouldn’t it seem like we would be VERY creative? Whatever our creative outlet may be, it is not limited to the arts but what we are gifted at. Wouldn’t our inspiration come from working with the Creator and knowing Him? I am not being a snot here I am being serious. It is a question that I have thought about a lot. I digress. The owners of the coffee shop did keep it going for a while and the owners franchised to several other Christians who did keep it going in their own way. Some of the churches we met with started their own version in their buildings. I liked how for a time it brought unity to people who ordinarily would not come together, I liked how it wasn’t about one church or artist but about a community trying to express the love of Christ through their gifting and sharing it with others through love.

David and I have been church vagabonds pretty much from the beginning.

Even before I met David I would frequent various churches throughout town, I liked being exposed to different churches and people. Though I was devoted to both of my home churches while I went to them, I still was visiting friends churches as well. When we moved we never felt like we found a church home, we went to many different churches from Denominational to Pentecostal to Messianic we were all over the place. We liked it like that. After the twins were born though our life changed drastically and we ended up in seclusion for a long time. We tried to go to church on several occasions but it just didn’t work, especially since we never belonged to a church there. This would lead to the path of us going to a church here that caused so much confusion and pain.

I completely lost my identity after the kids were born, ministry had become who I was.

I really lost any sense of self trying to understand what was going on with Daniel and taking care of the babies by myself. David had to work and I had no family, no friends and no help. We lost touch with all of the connections we had before and I was starting to get very depressed. I loved being a mom but I was so tired, lonely, and would be locked up in the house all the time. Where we lived it was cold! I do not do well with cold and snow anyway but the last year we were there we had been trapped in our house several times because of blizzards. I couldn’t drive the car we had and the city we lived in kept me in constant anxiety. I had no contact with people for long periods of time. When we moved here I was desperate for any social contact.

Because of my vulnerable state, I didn’t use very good judgment.

I am naive and gullible about people’s motives anyway, but I have been especially that way in church because I thought that all Christians (actually most people) were good and nice and would never do anything mean. I still do, mostly. I felt like if there were problems than it had to be my fault. I have written about this church enough, basically I had my guard down, I was tired, lonely and desperate because of that I fell for some twisted thinking and wrong doctrine. David was trying to be as supportive as possible and had hoped that I would see for myself what was taking place.

They used scriptures to control and manipulate, not for what they are truly for.

It didn’t take long but it was long enough for me to experience spiritual abuse and to feel like I was loosing my mind. The good thing is I learned a lot, I have forgiveness and no bitterness any longer. I know that my priority in life now is to take care of my kids and just love people as best as I can. We have never been evangelists or apologetists (I think I made that word up.) but we have always wanted to share the love of Christ and the acceptance that community is supposed to be about no matter where people are on their spiritual or non-spiritual journey. :- ) We see and experience God through the gifts and freedom to share them with others. The goodness that comes from serving one another without seeking something for ourselves, that brings us great joy. For us that is what Jesus reflects, love, acceptance and building up people to be who God intended them to be.

We do not feel obligated or guilted in sharing the message of Jesus, we just try to live it out.

(And now this movie is done, on to the next one. )

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Tag Archives: maniuplation

Living in Hide Mode

The New Journey

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