03/9/13

“Expect The Unexpected”

Yesterday, I met with my dad and we had a late lunch together. He had a few phrases that he shared with me to help bring home points that he was making, one of them was a suggestion. It was in hopes of offering help with Daniel in the area of unexpectedness. While, I do agree I can stretch him, Ariel, Joshua, and me more in this area, it is not a good thing to create an atmosphere of unexpectedness.

This will increase anxiety in the kids and myself.

We need routine and constants in many areas. I have seen how much it helps Daniel and myself progress, and I have watched how the anxiety in the kids and myself become less by maintaining routine and keeping things as predictable as possible. I did not misinterpret, his suggestion was based on me telling him about Daniel having hard times with unexpected sounds or changes. For those who do not know much about autism, it may sound like a good idea to “spring” unexpected things onto an autistic in hopes that it would help them become more comfortable with the unexpected. Personally, I think it could go either way.

I share a few resources below that may be helpful.

I do understand that this world is full of unexpected things, but for the autistic person we try to control that as much as we can. In fairness, my dad was not suggesting to make an atmosphere of unexpectedness, he was only saying that maybe I should try to do some unexpected things to help Daniel become more comfortable with disruptions. I do think that there could be some benefit in doing this, but I also know that if it does not go well that an entire day up to a week could be filled with meltdowns and recovery. It is something to work on no doubt, but our lives have felt so unstable for so long that I would like to have a while of the predicable.

The words have stuck with me, “expect the unexpected.”

I realized that it is a positive thing as well. I can apply this to relationships, if I maintain a routine and stable home life I am much better at the unpredictability in my social life. I had been preparing myself for this the last few weeks by reaching out to people and trying to push myself to be more social. I reached out to family because I no longer wanted to be bound by the thoughts that had been causing me fear and anxiety.

I decided that I needed to reach out and get answers, find support, and share what has been going on with me.

I was nervous about meeting with dad because I have not been alone with him in over 10 years. I also, have had decades of old scripts of our relationship collected throughout my life. I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew that I had nothing to lose at this point just being completely honest with him, but I had not planned on pouring out things either. I did not realize that the day before when my emotions hit and I went through some major healing it had stripped away certain expectations.

My desires were very simple.

I wanted to spend time with my dad, and I needed to know how he felt about me. I received something so special that it was completely unexpected. I met my dad, but he was a new man to me. He was the father that my sisters have talked about and boasted about all over facebook. He listened to me, he accepted me, he talked to me, and he apologized to me. He shared things with me that made me feel as though I was little Angel, receiving all of the love that had not received as a child.

I told him that I had no idea how he felt about me, or what he thought about me.

I shared about my diagnosis of depression and PTSD, hinted about my anxiety, but I did not tell him about Aspergers. Strangely, I felt perfectly fine with that. I no longer had the need for his approval with my diagnosis. I broke down and told him that I felt unlovable and unloved. I shared how alone I felt.

It poured out of me and I could not stop.

I saw my dad look heartbroken, but something had changed in a huge way. In that moment, it was not turned around onto me. I was not given scripture references throughout the whole conversation, or told that I needed to devote more to God. (Though there were some things talked about, I will share in a moment.) There were no excuses; he told me that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He apologized for not expressing it verbally and he told me how he felt about me.

I felt safe around him.

I do think that it had a lot to do with my mindset though. I did not go in with the anxiety or fear of being hurt; I had been in so much emotional pain for days that by the time I saw my dad it no longer mattered. I did not feel what I had felt in the past, but the main thing that changed was that in my desperation I no longer allowed fear of rejection to stop me. I shared more about what has been going on with me in the last 10 years.

Especially the five, which have been some of the toughest that I have gone through.

I was honest with him about where I was at with my faith. There were moments when I felt as though I was being judged, but he pointed out that I was being on the defense. He was right; I have become so accustomed to defending all of my actions that I automatically did it with him.

At that point, I spilled out how I felt as though no matter what I do it is never enough.

I told him that I cannot live up to all of the expectations that I felt others had for me, but I also had no idea what they were and I have spent my whole life trying to do everything right so that I would finally, one day “get it.” He told me to let all of that go and start to be the person I was meant to be, be Angel forget about other people’s expectations.

He encouraged me to speak up and start using my voice.

He did not say those exact words, but he built into me and gave me support. We were in a Chinese restaurant for about two hours. In those two hours, I received the gift of healing with my dad. I felt decades of hurt, shame, and fear melt off me. I felt as though something inside of me connected.

I saw a visual of both my parents coming together as a whole.

Not as in their marriage, they have been divorced since I was around 3 1/2 years-old. It was as if my inner me was connecting parts of me that had been disconnected for my whole life, if that makes any sense. I acknowledge that much of this had to do with me because I did not stay quiet. I spoke up when I did not feel heard, but since my dad was so open, I was able to listen to him with new ears as well. Not many people get to hear their parents admit when they have done things to hurt their child, I consider this somewhat a miracle that I have now had this healing with both of my parents.

My dad confessed his behaviors and actions that he did when I was a child.

He even shared how he has not been the most compassionate person throughout the years. I am not sure what has happened over the years, but he has thought about the past. He has thought about the choices he made during my childhood. He has thought about what it has done to me. For years, I took on all the blame. There were years when after I talked to my dad that I would leave confused, hurt, guilty for bringing anything up, and like a failure somehow, but could not explain why.

I did not feel any of that yesterday.

My dad made it very clear how he feels about me and that he and my step mom love me very much. I know that there are some things that I am unable to share about myself or about autism because of differing views. However, my dad made it very clear that he supports me and he listened to my current struggles and situation with open ears and let me know how much I am loved. I am beyond words and incredibly thankful.

The other day, I felt as if my spirit had hit bottom.

I felt that physically, about a month ago – it seems that my emotions caught up with me this week. My inner voice, crying out all of my hidden emotions made me push through reaching a point of accepting fully that I am the only one who can help me. I knew this, but I was not able to grab hold of it.

I still need the support of others.

I need to know that there are people that I can rely on. I need to know that I will not be judged or condemned. I am very pleased to know that I can look to more of my family. I was not sure what to expect yesterday with my dad, but I was unexpectedly surprised. I discovered an unexpected new me, and an unexpected new start with my dad.

I will be a little more open to the unexpected. (So I can expect it. Hee hee)

Autism and the “expected-unexpected” social thinking vocabulary?

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 1

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 2

Transitioning Back to School: 5 Tips for Parents (I think you can use these principles with anything new or to help introduce change.)

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03/7/13

I Did Not Expect That

For some reason, I have no explanation whatsoever as to why I did this, but I went in search of my ex-husband’s online. I have done this before, but did not find anything except from my first husband who by all internet accounts is doing fabulously. He contacted me several years ago because he was to be remarried and needed me to fill out some sort of paperwork for him. He is Catholic and was going to be remarried in the Catholic Church, and the marriage needed to be annulled through the church.

It was a positive experience.

I was happy for him and hearing from him removed some fears that I had about him thinking that I was a horrible person. We should have never gotten married. I knew that from the beginning, but I did not know how to say, no. I did not understand how to be in a relationship. I liked him very much as a person and felt that would be enough to make a relationship work – it did not work for him or me. We were both miserable and at very different places in our life. He was happy in his hometown, with his friends, near his family, and living a particular life that I would never fit into.

I had hoped that he would find a person who fit with him and they could be happy.

I think he found her and it makes me happy to believe he is living the life he wanted. I saw a picture of him today and it was the first time I actually saw a genuine smile on his face. It made my heart swell. I then, went in search of my second ex-husband. There were more negative emotions wrapped into that relationship. I do not think I would ever hear from him, nor would I ever contact him. I did not like him at all as a person when I first met him. I had an “icky” feeling about him the first time I spoke to him. It was at an interview for a job position. He was some sort of manager, but walked me to the head of the company for my interview.

That was the first time I met him and when I was hired I hoped that I would not have to talk to him much.

Long story short, I was convinced by my friends that I worked with that he was a “good” guy and that I should give him a chance. He lied to me and cheated on me the first few months we were dating. Through his confession, (that finally, happened after a month or so of me telling him that I knew) I ended up leading him into a prayer of rededicating his life to Christ. He asked me to marry him that night, I said, “No.” After a while of people telling me that he was changed and I should “trust God,” even though I continued to voice my doubts and concerns, I married him.

Right before the ceremony was about to begin, his mother told him, “Are you sure you want to do this? You can still back out.”

She and his father did not like me, but I think she was spot on with her feelings about us getting married. She thought poorly of me because I had already been divorced and she did not hide the fact that she was not too keen on my personality and me. That did not make it any easier for me to try to like her son especially, when he would not say anything when they would speak negatively about me. While we were married there were many problems from the beginning, it did not help either that the week we were married I got pregnant and several months later had a miscarriage.

I was devastated and I felt abandoned by him in many ways.

There are so many things wrapped into this marriage. At one point, I became overcome with emotions for a co-worker. I had no intentions of pursuing anything and I tried very hard to make the feelings go away. I had never had feelings like that before so I found it even more confusing. I prayed and prayed for the feelings to go away and they did not. Out of desperation, wanting to stop the emotions, and because I felt as though I was hiding something from him, I told him about my feelings for the person. He was furious, and I tried to talk to my pastor as well. That did not go well; it ended up with me having rumors spread about me with the most painful blow eventually, leading to me being voted out of children’s ministry by the elders.

I am jumping through much of the story because it is too detailed and I have already written about this on other posts.

I do not have an accurate timeline going on right now. However, no one knew that he had lied to me multiple times about our finances. They did not know about our many marital problems. They thought he was a fine Christian man. He left me in debt, trashed my apartment and some of my belongings when he left. He did not tell me when he was leaving – I came home one day after work, to my apartment in shambles as if it had been burglarized. He took things that were given to me as gifts and possessions that he knew I cared about he dumped into piles.

I felt as though I must have deserved it.

All of these years, I have felt an anger when I thought of him. I could not articulate what it was, but I feel that it is injustice. I was treated horribly by the church, by him, and badmouthed in many ways. I was accused and no one talked to me to find out my side.

They only assumed and believed whatever he told them.

I fully admitted what I was feeling. After many of the things had happened, I did connect with the person that I had feelings for, but that did not work out and that is a long story too. Thinking about this a little more and pondering my reaction that I will share in a moment, I believe some of the anger has been toward myself. That is a whole other topic that I will not tackle right now. It is is freeing though.

Back to today …

I found this ex-husband. I saw pictures of him, his wife and child. I was filled with happiness for him. He looked happy and so did his new family. I felt a sense of peace knowing that he had a child. It felt good to see him with a real smile too. I then, felt overcome with sadness for myself. I wanted to know why I could not have that. The tears began rolling down my face and they would not stop.

I started to relive many traumatic experiences from that time in my life.

I felt my heart breaking all over again. I felt the pain of losing my child. I felt the pain of what happened at church. I felt the pain of another relationship failing. I felt the pain of the first time of falling “in love” and then, having them reject me for reasons I could not understand. I felt the pain of feeling worthless, unlovable and unable to love. I felt the pain of being laid off from a job that I really enjoyed.

That is all I can recall in this moment.

Worse yet, I felt the pain of feeling as though I deserved all of it. I had emotions flood me and words fill my head. I sat at my computer looking at the images feeling happy and satisfied for him, but wondering why I was not allowed to have that in this life. I had the words screaming in my head, “Am I this worthless? Is there no one who finds me worthy? Are there so many things wrong with me that I am incapable of being loved in any way? Do I not deserve to be acknowledged, heard, accepted, treated as if what I offer to this world has value?”

Those words flooded my mind.

These must be feelings that I have, where did they come from? I have not consciously thought these things. I do not go around saying, “I am worthless, no one appreciates me,” etc … I must feel this way though. I believe this all triggered my PTSD. It has taken a couple of hours to pull out of it, I am still feeling a little shaken. My body is shivering, I keep crying, I feel cold, and fatigued. Still I feel a bit justified too. I knew that I was not supposed to be with either of them. I knew that there was someone else out there that would make them happy.

I struggled with feeling inadequate because I was unable to be that for them.

I knew that it was not going to work. Because I knew, I assumed that I was the problem. I did not know how to say no. I did not know how to get out of relationships. I did not realize how much I just wanted to be loved. Today as I cried in the shower, I felt like a little child, my insides felt as if they were pouring out and my head filled with, “I want my mom. I want my dad.” I shook my head because I did not know why I was thinking that then, the words came crashing into my skull, “I just want to be loved! I just want to know that someone loves me!”

I thought, “My god, can’t someone just love me for me?”

Why can’t I just be? Why am I not enough? Why do I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough? Yeah, that was some of what poured out of me. I am still feeling the pangs from reliving many things and seeing things in my life now. In a way, I think this was good for me. I had no idea that I had these feelings tucked away in my brain. I did not know I felt such negative things or that I have felt and do feel unloved.

As the events flashed through my mind from those years, up until now I realized that I am depleted.

I feel like so much has been taken from me – I have no idea how to get any of it back. I did not expect to have all of this flood out of me today. I did not expect to feel such joy and sorrow today either. I find it strange that I have joy for others, but the sorrow is for myself. I have no anger in me toward my second ex-husband. It makes me smile to see that he seems to have a great life. I guess this all needed to surface so I could gain more healing, and realize that I really need to learn to love myself. I write that and it sounds so cheesy, but all of the things in my life have stripped me and made me feel so devalued.

I did not expect all of this, but I will learn from it and look at things with clearer eyes.

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02/26/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.

Various excerpts:

I. Instability and Lability

The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

II. Recurrent Losses

Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.

There is a lot of information for each section on the website.

Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.) We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.

Instability with jobs can be for various reasons.

I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.

I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.

It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. I could go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.

Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)

I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”

There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.

There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer.

I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee)

Can you tell I have been in research mode? I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.

Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.

I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.

I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.

My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.

I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.

Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer)

All Introversion is Not the Same

The Power of Introverts – Ep 1 (This is a video series about introverts based on the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain.)

Last bit of my narcissism “fixation.”

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

How Does the Narcissist Control his Prey?

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!

What is Domestic Violence?

Learn the Warning Signs

“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.

The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”

I found this link helpful too Learn the difference between anger, aggression, and violence.

Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely.

I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.

In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.

I am quite productive.

AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person here is a link with some helps DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION.

WHAT IS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR?

Ok, I believe I have made this long enough.

I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday!

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02/23/13

Striving For My Healing

I was diagnosed with PTSD in October along with my other diagnoses. Since then, I have trying to find ways to help me deal with my traumas and learn how to heal in a healthy way. I continued to make progress, but then would have the feeling as though someone had come up behind me while I was standing on top of that hill. The shadow barely touching me, making me feel safe enough to keep going. However, when I would begin to make my next move it felt as if the shadow used all its power to push me down a huge rocky mountain with sharp stones piercing me all the way down.

As I lay at the bottom, dizzy and confused I could not see the source.

I did not understand why this continued to happen. It did not make sense why I would continue to fall into a depressive cycle leading into feeling engulfed with fears and anxieties. It would spiral me into the same pattern – leaving me feeling as if there was something wrong with me and that I would never be all right. After this last cycle, I got to an extreme low that I knew. I knew it very well because I have had this extreme low happen several times in my life.

The first time I was sixteen and tried to commit suicide.

I was in an abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend and a classic predator. It was a relationship that started when I was fourteen and lasted until I was around seventeen. It took a while to get away from him. I would not be surprised if he still kept some sort of track on me. I was also a teenager responsible for my two younger sisters while my mom worked.

She worked anywhere from 45-60 hours a week.

I went to school and then, took care of my sisters. I was responsible for keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, and making the meals. Before my mom and step dad were divorced I would be furious as he sat in the living room watching TV while I was making his dinner. He expected it every night at a certain time. I fed my little sisters, changed their diapers, and gave them their baths, etc…

I could not handle the social pressures at school.

I was being stalked and watched by people who were friends of my boyfriend. I never knew when he would show up and invade my locker and other belongings. I never knew when I would be accused of cheating when I talked to another boy. I have written enough about him he is not allowed to have any more of my words unless it is through a creative means. My sensory issues were heightened as well in school. The lights, smells, sounds, and crowdedness were overwhelming. My social anxieties and confusions were always on high. I never had a break.

I was almost never alone.

When I was alone it was during the wee hours of the night because I suffered from insomnia throughout much of my high school life. During the time, I reached the point trying to commit suicide I felt trapped. I could not see any other way out. I felt as though it would benefit everyone involved if I would just leave this planet. As I lay in the hospital bed looking at mom she was looking at me, I realized that she really did love me.

She made me promise that I would never do that again.

I did promise and that is what saved me when I was in my twenties feeling this same desperation. It took several months, but I redirected myself and changed my life into a positive direction only to fall for another person who had his best interest in mind. This relationship was unhealthy. I battled depression throughout that relationship as well.

It led to another unhealthy relationship with similar patterns.

I did seem to find friends who had these similar patterns as well. I now know that I am not the only one who has done this. I believe there are many factors that play into my serial unhealthy relationships. It starts from childhood leading up until today. I feel as though I am standing with all of the sheets pulled down and see with clarity what I need to do and how I need to make changes. Unfortunately, this is a pattern as well. If I do not make a huge adjustment in my way of thinking while I see and comprehend this I could easily fall back into the depressive pattern.

There are cycles when I can see clearly, but I become confused and begin to doubt myself.

I will begin to doubt and shutdown because self-doubt makes me feel as though no one else will believe me. This has been my downfall – the self-doubt. It is ironic because in every situation when I have seen or felt red flags or felt that I should investigate more somehow I was convinced by others that I did not need to worry. There were times though that I interpreted people’s lack of speaking up as acceptance or approval instead of the opposite. I should have listened to my gut and asked them more questions very directly and requesting complete honesty. Although, when I have done that in the past people did not tell me – they told me what they thought I wanted to hear.

I wanted the truth that is why I was asking!

I digress … The bottom line is that I felt trapped and as if I was such a burden in this world that it was pointless to go on, or that I had no one listening/willing to help me. I did not truly try to commit suicide again, but my cutting and weight control (anorexia) got much worse and so did my reckless behaviors. However, at some point I would decide that I needed to change so I would redirect all of my attentions on my work, later it became church then, children.

I did not do much of anything else except whatever I was focused on.

I would achieve the goals I set out to. I was successful. When I felt stable and in control of my own life my depression was much different. I would become depressed, but they were short cycles and not deep depression. I would feel isolated, but then would go out when I felt like it. I had friends that I could talk to (not about my true feelings, but I could have fun) and go out with. I may not have had a ton of them, but I had a few that I could contact or they would contact me if I went quiet for too long.

The other common factor during my severe depressive cycles was that I felt completely isolated.

I have been evaluating my patterns and acknowledging those that I just-can-no-longer-do. I made a conscious decision to not fall this time around. One thing that I realized is that my recovery and healing from childhood trauma on to now cannot be done alone. I have continued to try to do this alone and I cannot. I also had great clarity that I need and MUST have a compassionate and accepting support system in order to bring healing in my life.

It is no longer an option.

I read a great post about C-PTSD here “speak the unspeakable.” I am kind of a mixed bag of symptoms. I will not go down the list, but since I am hypersensitive to the empathy issue I will say, again, I do not lack empathy I tend to be overwhelmed with the emotions around me. I may not be able to mirror them back, but it has to do with not being able to discern where the emotion is coming from. I did connect to what they shared here very much; it made something click for me.

C-PTSD Introduction:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:

domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
long term exposure to crisis conditions

(Click on the hyper links for more information about each topic.)

When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle, or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before. (This was from the link above “speak the unspeakable.)

I have found this website to be extremely helpful for various topics Out of the FOG.

It is very important to find support in the healing process. As I went down the list of treatment number 10 jumped out at me because it is what I desperately need “Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.”

I am not in a situation where I can leave and take time to recover.

I have realized how crucial this is for the kids and me. I have found several online support groups and I am connecting to those who will bring support for the kids as well. What I mean by support for them is other children and for me to have healthy relationships with other mothers and parents.

I am going to share with my mom and aunt in more detail about what PTSD is – I do know that they show symptoms as well.

They have found healthier ways to cope with their issues. They are also quite independent and are not in the same situations as myself. I have to find my way to move forward that will keep me moving forward. I want to share with them because I need people to be there. I went in search of what family and friends can do to help and found this:

This section is for friends or family who wish to support someone they know with a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Understanding post-traumatic stress disorder

If the person wants to talk about their experiences, listen without being judgmental.

Allow the person to be upset without necessarily trying to console them.
Encourage the person with PTSD to talk to, and gain support from, other survivors.
Help them contact organisations that offer specialist support (see ‘Useful contacts’)
Discourage them from getting into a pattern of avoiding situations that remind them of the trauma.

I have found several people who have confirmed some of my struggles (validation) and who are supporting me.

It has helped me a great deal in trusting my “gut” feelings. Many other factors play into my PTSD because of being autistic and the additional trauma of being autistic and not knowing it. A life of confusion and trying to figure out why you are so different is a lot in itself, add emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse into the mix and there is a lot to process.

I am going to share some more links that I found helpful below.

As I was writing this though, I realized that I still have not acknowledged or accepted all of the trauma that I have gone through. I still down play it. I still excuse my abusers behaviors. I still have my mind flood with thoughts that somehow, someway, I deserved it. I have read up on Stockholm Syndrome as well and found this Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser to be very good.

It is long, but worth it, here is an excerpt:

“Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.”

I have done this with all of my abusers and even years later still find myself doing it.

Interestingly, something snapped and clicked and I yelled (inside my head) “HELL NO!” (sorry for the language) when I realized that I had gone down that depressive cycle again. I am frightened of the changes and boundaries that I have to make, but the fear and anxiety seem to be less of an issue for me. I have too much to live for and my babies mean much more to me than living like this anymore. As a matter-of-fact I can actually say, I mean too much to me to go down this path again.

I think allowing myself to feel my anxiety recently really helped me.

It let me see for myself how fleeting it is. I do not have to be controlled by anxiety, fear, or depression. I do have triggers, but I see why many of them are being set off like firecrackers on a regular basis and that can be minimized by me. I may have depression, but I do have the tools, support, and I am gaining the confidence to face it and think about it differently. I really liked the name of the website Out of the FOG – I intend to do just that and get out of the fog. Deep breath, I’m diving in!

Towanda!!! Ha ha ha (That’s my staple yell when I begin to gain my confidence back, hold on to it Angel!)

Forms of Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Addictive Relationships

PTSD and Autism

True Health in PTSD Recovery: Part 1

PTSD & The Brain

How would you know if someone you love suffers from PTSD?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder What Happens in the Brain?

Difference between AS and C-PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder in people with learning disability

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02/20/13

Contact!

I have spent the last couple of days reaching out to people. I contacted my therapist and have an appointment set up. I have contacted an autism support group that is geared toward meeting twice a month. I heard back from the woman today. They have not been meeting because she and her family have been sick. I offered to help in any way to get the group started. I have located a family support service that meets every week for parents, ASD kids, and their siblings. They do art projects and other activities throughout the month. I hope to take the kids next week or the week after. In addition, I found a parent support group that is in partnership with Easter Seals. They meet once a month and I am planning to go next month.

Not only that, but I used my cyber-stalking-researching-superpowers to locate an adult Aspie group.

I found them and noticed that they have not been meeting for a long time. I went ahead and contacted the person who was running it and asked if they were still meeting. She told me that it had dwindled because the place they were meeting closed down and that she did not have anyone to help her plan and organize. She asked if I would be willing to help. I told her that I would help as much as I was able just tell me what I need to do. I have not heard back from her. I would normally give up at this point – instead I emailed again.

I also, spoke to some of my family members and shared with them some of my struggles.

These are struggles that I have not shared before. I did not realize how many things I had keeping quiet. I did not realize I was operating out of so much fear and shame either. I have several people that I can now contact and share if/when I begin to get confused or anxious. I need to continue to reach to those who will give me a positive direction. I reached out to my sister and asked if she and my niece wanted to get together to do something with the kids and I.

I emailed my dad as well.

I asked when he will be in town next time and if we could meet for lunch or something. I really need to talk to him alone just to see what sort of connection we have and if we can communicate. We will see. In addition to these things, I applied for assistance for Daniel and myself. I need therapies for Daniel during the summer and I hope that he can be covered. I am making some major changes and moving forward.

I do have to push through many fears and anxieties.

However, I am tired of feeling trapped and as if I am incapable when I am not. I had a real awakening this last depressive episode and I am not going there again. I will do whatever I need to in order to move forward and make progress.

I am excited at the thought of finding friends for my kids.

Ariel has been asking for friends and telling me that she feels lonely because she does not have any girls to play with. I am signing her and Joshua up for summer camp at the YMCA. She asked to do volleyball and Joshua wants to do basketball. I will fill out the paperwork today. I found a social skills group for Daniel that meets every week. I am still uncertain because they use ABA therapy and I am not sure what their practices are like. I was rather turned off by their slogan being something like, correct and connect. Eeek. Maybe that is just me.

I will have to go and “feel” them out then, go with my gut.

They charge a certain amount. I would prefer to have him meet in the family support group setting because it will have other autistic children and their siblings. I think that may be a more positive environment, but I will still check the other place out. I hope they can have some friends, I am working on it! I am excited to get them out of the house.

They need it and so do I.

My mom gave me some good advice she said, “You find something and think that you have to do it every week or stay on a rigid schedule. You don’t! I know you do because I do the same thing, but we don’t have to. Conform a schedule that works for you guys. Try taking the kids to the YMCA once a month, and church once a month, and a group, or change it up. You do not have to do the same thing every week unless it is a good fit for you and the kids.”

Yes, I can make my own schedule and not feel guilty!

I have made contact with several people and this time I will not give up. If I do not hear from them, I will not take it personally and become afraid. I will find something else or keep on my quest to search for a group that is a good fit for me. I am changing my way of thinking. It hurts my head, makes me kind of panicky, and a little sweaty … (And to remind me that my aunt and sister do love me and support me I will post the picture of the night we went out. I still haven’t written about that night. Oh, well. I need visuals! )

I will keep making Contact!!! Lol!

[Show as slideshow]

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01/30/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms”I

If you have read even a few of my posts, you probably noticed that relationships, social rules/situations, people, in general are my biggest hang up. I do not know why, but their actions, behaviors, and words, can cause me to spiral. It feels as though I lose my footing when all the sudden a person seems to be sporadic, chaotic, out-of-character, or they behave in a way that does not make sense to me.

I wish it were not the case, other Autistics may not have such extreme social issues as I do.

I know there was a period of time when I was not this confused, but I also did not have social media, or true revelation of how socially confused I was. I did have scripts that I could use; some of them were not good though. I learned many by trial and error. I do know that because I have been socially isolated in many ways for several years, it has caused me to lose some of my skills. Once I tried to step out socially again, I encountered many similar things as I did in middle school and high school. It caused me to gain a completely new set of anxieties, or possibly it rehashed those from adolescence.

I thought that period of my life was over.

What I discovered is that what happened during those adolescent years continues through adulthood. Insert, interesting read Why You Truly Never Leave High School.They may manifest in different ways, but they are still the same social situations. I do pretty well with virtual relationships for the most part. Unless, my “real” life social encounters have confused, hurt, or exhausted me. Many people in my real life seem to change suddenly and it throws me every time. While my recovery time is much quicker and my coping mechanics are healthier, it still happens.

However, I think that the main reason for this is my lack of identity.

My inability to come into fruition of my identity has led me to seek out others as my guide, seeking answers to who I am through them. This dysfunctional system is faulty, irrational, and is filled with detrimental beliefs that I am slowly discovering. I have made huge progress in this area in the last few months. I will still shut down and cut people off in order to protect myself. (potential rejection, cause me hurt, or confusion of some sort) I have discovered this past weekend I need to remove people from my life and it is ok. I can accept that certain people in my life do not intend to get to know me or have a relationship with me.

Several of these people are family.

I know that I may sound like a broken record with this, but I am really getting a grasp on why I have been hurt. I am finally accepting that I had been holding on in hopes that one day I would understand myself through those relationships. I kept thinking that one day, if I did enough or tried to figure it out we could have a relationship.

I thought that I would have that “A’ha! I finally get me!” moment.

I will never find the answers that I have been looking for through others. I will not have the relationships that my other family members have together. I can move on and know I have done nothing wrong it is ok. It is SO hard to accept this! These continual confusing social encounters have caused me to be so fearful of being social that I have gotten to the point of almost throwing up just thinking of ever seeing or talking to them again. The ridiculous thing is that they do not know, nor do they care that I have been affected like this.

This understanding has helped me to see my reasons for wanting to be alone many times throughout my life.

I knew that if I kept limited access to people in my life, or controlled who and when people were allowed in my life that I was not confused. I have expressed this before, but many times, I ended up in relationships because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I tried to make more friends because people told me I could not have only one friend.

My “one” friend would eventually grow tired of me, for various reasons.

One being I would not understand why they needed more than one friend. I understand this now. I thought I should have a boyfriend because the few girls I had as friends either had them, or were focused on having them. They also made me feel foolish for not having one. I did have crushes and wanted a boyfriend, but I did not want one at the same time, if that makes any sense. (I feel that way about all types relationships at times, because any type of relationship for me is a reminder of how inadequate I feel socially.) I did not want to think about it and I felt as though I was constantly forced to. I thought I should be more social because people told me that it was not “normal” to be myself.

“It is unhealthy.” Um… Susan Cain: The power of introverts

When I was unable to take anymore social stress, I would cut myself off completely. Several times in my life, this resorted in making moves to other states, so I could start over. In search of finding myself, I would get to a point of feeling so lonely that I desired someone in my life. It was normally during that vulnerable time that someone would “appear.”

I would somehow end up in the relationship.

Several times, I did not even like the person. Interestingly, people took the focus off “trying to find me someone” and I found that to be a relief. Because of that stress being lifted, I was willing to stay with a person. Just so, I would not have to hear “You need to find someone. You need to date. You need a husband. You need to have kids”

It was tiresome listening to people tell me that I needed a person.

I needed to date. I needed to “get out there.” I never wanted to do that. I did want to have children though. I wanted to find a person and be done for the rest of my life so I no longer had to think about it. I wanted someone that would be there, but that I enjoyed as well. I wanted what I envisioned as a best friend. A person that I shared many common interests with and that I could be attracted to. I find it difficult to be attracted to people as a whole. I was not optimistic of ever falling in love the way that the movies show it, or how books and poems express it, songs sang it, people told me about it…

I never thought it could happen for me.

I did not think I was capable of feeling that intense affection and I NEVER thought anyone would love me in that way. I did not have hopes for it, but I longed for it. I wanted it. I had hoped to feel it one day and my desire was to marry that person and live happily ever after. I think many people desire that, but I also think that it is an unrealistic expectation. I read this and it made a lot of sense. There’s No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science)

I am not so sure this type of love happens and lasts.

I do not know, maybe I have grown cynical. I do go back and forth in thinking that it is possible, but then, reasoning myself right out of it. I do spend too much time analyzing this topic – I have my many reasons. It has also been a special interest of mine since I was a child. None of the examples in my life have shown this type of love – although, many people have talked about it. I did not feel this in any of my marriages, the problem was that they thought they felt this way toward me, but I did not understand that.

I assumed that no one would feel that type of love toward me either. (abuse plays a role in that)

Insert, another interesting read Romantic love ‘lasts just a year.’ I thought to myself, How could they feel that way toward me? How could they love me when they do not know who I am? Quite honestly, I do not think they truly felt that way. I think they did for a while, but I also think they were intrigued by me because I was different from other women in their life. Intrigue and fascination is different than love. I have kept so much of my world hidden from people out of fear that very few have gotten a glimpse of who I am. Well, unless you read my blogs. I share a lot of me because that is how I process and it helps me to gain revelation of my identity.

I did not intend to hurt people I was in relationship with.

To be continued… Big Surprise! Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” II (It’s a three parter.)

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01/22/13

Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism III

Continued from Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism II

I admit I do feel rejected in a sense because I feel that I cannot share with the majority of my family that I am autistic.

It causes me anxiety to think about that. I cannot talk very much about Daniel, or share about the traits that Ariel and Joshua have because, it’s-just-not-talked-about. That feels like constant rejection to me. Even if it is because they do not know what to say or how to act. Because they do not interact with this part of my life, it feels like rejection. My anxiety forms Cognitive Distortions. I was nervous about sharing my poetry books with them. I decided to do so, while I did get initial responses and a couple of them purchased them I did not hear anything back.

This feels like rejection.

Several of my other family members did not even respond. I do not know how to take that. However, what I decided to do instead of carrying this pain and feeling as if I am being rejected, I looked at it all as guide to healing. If I do not continue in this direction, it will spiral into anxiety, because it is a fear of rejection. It causes unnecessary stress and turmoil. I prompted myself to make my anxiety into an entity. It has taken on its identity as the “Conspiracy Theorist.”

Conspiracy theories were a short-lived special interest of mine.

I decided to look into the psychology of conspiracy theroies to give me a visual to help each time my anxiety starts to take hold. What I found has helped me understand a great deal more than I expected. I researched cognitive dissonance. Anxiety causes me to become conflicted in rational and irrational beliefs. It makes it difficult to know what is real and what is not. It leads into a path of motivated reasoning, ”rather than search rationally for information that either confirms or disconfirms a particular belief, people actually seek out information that confirms what they already believe.”^[2 I will seek information that feeds into my "fear" based thought. Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses.^{[Note 1]}^[

The conspiracies that are formed in my mind stem out of fear of being hurt.

It can unravel all sorts of fears and phobia’s. My anxiety cycles can “attack” at any moment. Sometimes I can feel them rising up other times I feel a mad rush of flutters in my brain. I feel out-of-control, flustered, and unable to think. Because I feel out-of-control, I feel unable to protect myself from the perceived threat. In my case, it is usually fear of rejection and abandonment. First, there is the “attack” the fear of something and then, comes the anxious/panic feelings of “OMG! What if this time it IS true?” This melts into stress and causes a distorted view of my world.

At times, it has made it impossible to see the difference between rational and irrational thought.

I do believe that it is my autistic mind that makes it possible for me to link and connect things at rapid speed, as well, as analyze information in a way that others may call “obsessive,” (I call it, “purposeful.”) works in my favor to feed my anxiety as well as pull me out of it. Side note: I had been confused at how I could be completely rational and capable with dealing with others, while in my mind, anxiety was raging and soaring about a specific issue. On most days, unless I am extremely overwhelmed, no one has a clue that I am panicking on the inside. I can continue to act “normal” with my kids, strangers, even family who are causing the anxiety. I believe this has to do with cognitive dissonance and how I can disconnect from certain parts of my emotions while at the same time feeling them. (?? I do not know how to explain that.)

In the past, I have not had the right resources or understanding in how to deal with my anxiety.

Now that I do, I can redirect my anxiety and not spend time on endless, nonsensical paths trying to figure out a puzzle that never existed. I have concluded that if a person is actually spending that much time on trying to purposely hurt me then, I have no need for them in my life. I sure as heck do not need to waste my time trying to figure it out. I continued to try with certain people because they are family and seem to be so close to each other, except me.

I have been in a perpetual state of hurt, confusion, and spent countless hours trying to figure out why.

I want to note here as well, that facebook is not a healthy means for gauging relationships. Part of me understand this, but there is another part that does not because it is my form of having relationship and interacting with people. Just like email and texting, to me these are valid and very important means of communication, to others it is not. My other anxieties do not send rippling fear through my body like my social anxieties. I am trying to work through this by stepping out more. I decided that I would devote more of my energies on my fb page for my blogs.

I feel more comfortable there.

I share many common interests with people on those pages. I am not afraid of the people. I do have anxiety when meeting new parents/people virtually because the autism community has been a bit divided at times; I think all of us can feel that type of anxiety. I want to feel free to talk openly about autism and what it means in my life. I do not want to feel as though I should be ashamed or hide myself. I also want to share with all of my many interests. I do not feel afraid when sharing and connecting with people in regards to say, poetry, science, or the arts. I think the more I build my confidence in this area, I will no longer feel as though I need to be “on constant guard.”

Here are a couple of resources I found that helped me a great deal, they gave me perspective, and I can go to them whenever I feel the anxiety.

50 Common Cognitive Distortions

Fighting Cognitive Dissonance & The Lies We Tell Ourselves

For the fun of it.

The psychology of conspiracy theory

The Science Behind Why We Deny Science: Motivated Reasoning

Conspiracy Theories Explained

Personality and Conspiracy Theories: What Your Beliefs Say About You

Field Guide to the Conspiracy Theorist: Dark Minds

Conspiracy theory

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01/20/13

Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism I

The other day, I posted something on my personal Facebook page. Here is the quote:

“When you’re young, you look at television and think, There’s a conspiracy. The networks have conspired to dumb us down. But when you get a little older, you realize that’s not true. The networks are in business to give people exactly what they want. That’s a far more depressing thought. Conspiracy is optimistic! You can shoot the bastards! We can have a revolution! But the networks are really in business to give people what they want. It’s the truth.” — Steve Jobs

I had seen several things throughout the week about conspiracies.

One conspiracy being about President Obama being a terrorist and wreaking havoc in our country and government, again. If I recall, I believe there have always been conspiracies flapping about our Presidents throughout the centuries.

Americans seem to love them BOOKS OF THE TIMES; Americans Love a Conspiracy, but Why?

I grow tired of seeing such things and being linked to people who continue to believe or even spend time thinking that they are real. If it were only one person I could easily brush it off, but on my personal fb page there are quite a few who fall into the spell of conspiracy. However, I admit, I do at times enjoy the research and dismantling of a conspiracy theory or two.

What does this have to do with fear, anxiety, stress, and autism?

Well, when I posted it, I was fine. I was finished on the computer and walked off to take a break. I walked the few feet from my desk to the living room and sat down on the couch. Within about two minutes, my anxiety was in full hyper mode. I started to feel fear. My chest was pounding. My head was racing. I could feel the anxiety like a bunch of bees swarming all through my head to my heart. I started to have problems breathing then, swallowing.

I wondered what could have happened to cause this to manifest.

I decided to try something different. I normally allow my mind to race and wander, desperately seeking answers as to why I could be feeling anxiety. This time I sat there and said to myself, “Feel it.” I allowed myself to sit quietly feeling everything that the anxiety was causing both my mind and body. I did not try to stop it or understand it.

I just felt it.

It only took about five minutes for it to settle. After it was over, I asked myself how I felt. I felt afraid, but I was not sure why. I took a deep breath and thought about what I could be afraid of, it did not take long. A family member had posted a video about a conspiracy theory regarding the Sandy Hook Elementary and President Obama.

My post came directly after theirs.

Any news about that school is a trigger for me. It caused me a great deal of pain, confusion, anxiety, fear, and stress on multiple levels.

Not only did I have that trigger, but I also had my family trigger.

There are certain people in my family that cause me a great deal of pain. From my perspective, they have continually rejected me throughout my life. I do not understand why and many times, it feels deliberate. I feel this on facebook in great multitudes. When I post things, they are rarely acknowledged.

They do not “like” any pictures of me or my kids.

They do not acknowledge pictures of me with my sister or aunt, but will acknowledge pictures of solely my aunt and sister if they are together. I have for the most part stopped liking, acknowledging their posts because I do not feel that they care, or even want to be reminded of my existence.

There are basically two people who do this on a “regular basis,” but there are several who do it too.

There could be reasons for it; maybe they do not see my posts? However, on several occasions, I have directly posted in the comments while others did too and they did not address my comments at all, but did the other people. It has been too many times to consider it a coincidence at this point – it has been well over a year since it has gotten so blatant.

As I thought about this, I realized that I am afraid of my family.

I would state whom specifically, but I do not feel that needs to be written out. I can say that the real fear is of rejection and abandonment. (I know that I have talked about this a lot, but my mind is finally “getting it.” If you know what I mean.) I feel that I am constantly ignored, my kids are constantly ignored, and when I do try to step out I encounter too many confusing social situations or actions. I have no idea how these people feel about me. And that is what causes the most anxiety. I do not get afraid of serial killers, terrorists, nuclear war, robbers, or things like that.

No, I get panic ridden fear when I think I am going to see a family member.

Especially, one that I have not seen for a while or who has caused me hurt, confusion in the past (present), and who have made me feel like I was doing something wrong. If I had understood some of the social dynamics that I do now I may have been able to dismiss emotional outbursts, or plain manipulation. I really do not know, I still struggle with this – I cannot make sense of people not doing and saying what they mean, or trying to manipulate another person. I am shaking my head; I just do not get it. It is such a foreign world to me. I know we all manipulate to some extent.

I mean manipulate to make someone else look bad or to control the situation through lies and cons.

As I sat there thinking about all of my triggers being set off, it occurred to me that my anxiety has its own conspiracy theorist. Whenever the anxiety starts to arise it pulls up all of my past encounters that are similar, if it is with a specific person it will pull up every single negative encounter we ever had. Once, the visuals start going it will then, manifest all of the pain, fear, and stress that were occurring simultaneously during the time of the negative encounters.

I become bombarded with fear, anxiety, and stress.

Even if it was something that happened when I was 9 years-old, I will remember how they treated me. Along with what happened at school that day, the music I heard on the bus, what I was wearing when I ran home to get away from the bullies, whether my mom yelled at me that night, if I had a nightmare, I will feel and see everything onto the current year. I have gotten a grip on this. I manage to control my mind “time-travels” if I am not bombarded with sensory overload or other types of stress.

I find it very interesting that I can go through other traumatic events and manage to not become affected in this way.

The second part will come tomorrow, this post became much longer than I expected! Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism II…

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01/9/13

Learning About Frustrations

I was prompted to write this post several times throughout the last year. I have not because I was not sure how. (I am just going to go with it and provide resources at the end.) However, last night it came to the forefront of my mind again. I did write something almost a year ago about trying to help the kids understand and accept autism. Here is the post At Home Autism Acceptance. I have watched Ariel and Joshua begin to show signs of frustration with Daniel in the last few months. They are coming into a new awareness of themselves, as well as how they perceive what is going on around here. It has become an issue mostly because of school.

If Daniel is having a rough day, it can disrupt our entire school schedule.

It can cause Ariel and Joshua to lose their focus or motivation to continue through the day. I admit there are times when Daniel gets away with things that Ariel and Joshua are not allowed to. This is not on purpose it is based on understanding. Daniel is developmentally delayed emotionally and socially. He can understand academics, but the other things need to be explained in detail and concrete terms. Many times his frustrations come from being confused by their behaviors or what he deems as me “changing” things suddenly.

Every child is different.

I try to be as fair as possible, but the circumstances can be different and hard to explain to an eight year-old and a six year-old. It does cause me frustration too. It bothers me; at times, that Ariel and Joshua do miss out on things because I cannot take them alone. There is no way that I could take all three of them. The events would be too much for Daniel. I do my best to ensure they all get to experience new things and go places.

My main concern is about how they feel.

I am highly sensitive to the emotions of my children. I believe in part it is who I am as a person, but I also believe that it has to do with my upbringing. We keep open communication with everyone here. We say what we are feeling, if we know what we are feeling, and we all have the freedom to say, “I have no idea what I am feeling, I am just upset.” My kids are allowed to tell me when they think something is not fair. Express the reasons why they are upset with their siblings, David, or me. We listen to them and we try to help explain things to them.

As I was growing up, I was not allowed to express my feelings.

When I was unable to explain what I was feeling I was made to feel foolish. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard from family and others “You have to know what you are feeling.” My mom did not understand her feelings either. She expressed them through meltdowns or shutdowns. I learned how I was supposed to behave based on how my mom was acting. My dad did not share his emotions with me. Many times, I felt as though I never measured up, I would never be good enough, but on holidays, I would receive cards that said things about how much he loved me. It was hard for me to know what both my parents felt for me.

When I tried to talk to them about my emotions, as I got older, I was invalidated.

They did not listen to my feelings; I was simply told that I had it wrong. There is too much wrapped into that to go into here. Because of these happenings in my life, I encourage my kids to say what they are feeling. There have been times when what they perceived was completely wrong. They misunderstood tones, body language, looks, and situations. I make it a point to go back to them after something happens and ask them what they are feeling about it or if they want to talk about it. We talk after a meltdown, and discuss it because it is important that everyone feels heard.

It is important to me that they feel heard.

In recent days, there have been situations where Ariel is getting upset at things dealing with Daniel. She has always been a strong support for Daniel. She has also longed for a certain connection with him that many times is not there. They do connect in a different way, but it seems as though she is upset that he does not reciprocate in a way that she feels he should as her twin. I do not understand sibling connections, especially, with twins. She has voiced in the past that she does not understand why they are not like other twins. Then, she requested to have a baby sister. (Um, no.)

She is confused and bothered that he is getting all of these therapies through the school.

She feels that it is unfair because she “needs them too.” She has trouble with handwriting; she gets overloaded with her sensory processing, she shutdowns and does not know how to express herself sometimes. She feels that it is not right that he gets all of this help while she gets nothing. Joshua has these similar issues. I have been contemplating getting them evaluated, but at this point, I am not sure it is the best thing to do.

I have explained to her that I will take everything that I am doing with Daniel and apply it to her and Joshua.

She would prefer to have her OWN new teachers/therapists. One of the things that I make a point of doing is letting her and Joshua know that I understand they have difficulties too. I let them know that I am listening and that what they feel is of great value to me. I reassure them as much as I reassure Daniel. This does help most days. As long as I follow through on what I say I will change, or at least they are able to see that I am trying, their frustrations toward Daniel seem to lessen.

I know that it will continue throughout their life.

I know that this will be something that all of us will have to continue to stretch and grow. As long, as we, all understand that then, I think it can work out well. Some days I feel as though I ask a lot of Ariel and Joshua, but each of us are part of this family with our own quirks and issues. I explain the most important thing we can do as a family is to respect our challenges and try to focus on each others positive attributes. It is not easy some days, some weeks, but it is a work in progress. Family is made up of individuals with different needs, desires, and personalities. Learning to be open about our frustrations helps us to find better ways to communicate.

For Ariel, she has many outlets to express herself.

She writes poetry, she paints, she draws, she reads, she writes stories; I give her the freedom to do that. I encourage her to take her frustrations and express them creatively because it helps her find her words to express them to me or David. Joshua seems to work out much of his frustrations with building Lego’s. He will get frustrated, feel like everything is unfair, but as long as he gets some alone time with David or me, he recovers quickly. He feels heard, goes, builds some awesome Lego thing, and is happy once again.

It is not the same for Ariel.

I do plan to take both her and Joshua to the psychologist that I am taking Daniel to for behavioral therapy. I already discussed with her my concerns about the issue of them having frustrations or other challenges that they may have as siblings. They need just as much validation and attention in their own ways as Daniel. In this house, we respect and enjoy our differences, but we also do not shy away from that fact that it is challenging. It is hard to balance, but we take it one day at a time.

Here are some resources I read that may help others too.

Coping Strategies for Siblings

Children with Disabilities: Understanding Sibling Issues

Taking Care of the “Other Kids:” A Friendly Reminder for Parents of Disabled and Non-disabled Kids

When A Sibling Is Disabled

Help for siblings of children with special needs

Siblings of children with special needs

Special Needs Siblings Have Special Needs, Too!

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01/7/13

Discovering My Motivators?

Heads-up! A processing post.

Lately, I have been thinking of ways that people get their motivation. I never seem to respond in the same ways as others do in this area. (As well as other areas, but I am focused on motivation today.) Money has never been a great motivator for me. Awards do not normally motivate me. Compliments are good when they are genuine. I am still learning how to accept those – they can be hard for me.

I do feel a short moment of happiness or “feel good” spurts when I receive any of them.

However, they do not give me that drive to keep pressing on. I watch some people receive a compliment, even ones that everyone knows is not a true compliment, and they blossom into some energy force that gets them going. I do not respond like that. I have also observed people do some amazing feats out of fear, anger, or jealousy. Insecurities are great motivators for some people. I do not relate /connect to those negative emotions the way in which some people do. Emotions force an outburst or shutdown in me. I have been redirecting the negative feelings into productive ways lately. It is still new for me.

I do better with more positives motivators.

If I feel any sort of negative pressure, it can send me into a shutdown. I will step back and not participate. For instance, when I did play sports such as softball, I would refuse to play if the coach yelled at me for any reason. When I am in spin class, my aunt motivates the class (and her other classes like boot camp and TRX) with an attitude that is much like Jillian Michaels. I appreciate that type of motivation. I have seen it work in powerful ways for others. It does not work for me.

I have struggled with motivation my entire life.

Many times my whole motivation was stemmed from my desire to help others. It transpired into an unhealthy “servant hood” type mindset. This made me not see any value in myself unless I was serving others in some capacity. It has been a powerful motivator for me, but I did not have balance of self between the others. It was morphed into, “I must serve others in some way to have existence.” I hope that makes sense.

Since, I have been trying to pull myself into my own identity it seems fitting that I would seek what motivates me.

When it comes to my children I am extremely motivated, I think that does come from a place in me wanting to provide them with as much help and opportunity that I did not have growing up. My primary motivator is to provide them a childhood. As well as giving them all of the tools, I can think of to help them succeed. I am talking specifically about my individual goals at the moment. What can motivate me to achieve my personal goals and desires? I have thought about it (kind of) seriously, off and on for about a year.

I have wrestled with trying to figure out how to achieve the goals that I have wrapped in my head.

Years ago, I took Strengths Finder 2.0, during my many quests to try to understand myself. My strengths were input, achiever, learner, intellection, connectedness in that order highest ranking to lowest. Some of the outcome surprised me because at that time I considered myself to be of low intellect, solely based on how I did not do well in school. I knew that I was an achiever, but I kept it in the context of physical/work related achievements. I knew that I loved to learn and that I normally knew more about my topics of interest than others did. I did not realize that my connectedness could be considered a strength.

I had (Still trying to break out of it.) black-and-white thinking when it came me.

I knew that I was intelligent, but I had separated being of intelligence into another category. It is a little hard to explain, bottom line was I did not feel that I was allowed to learn certain topics of interest because I had been made to feel like I was stupid in school for asking so many questions. I now understand that one of my motivators is “curiosity” when it was continually squelched throughout my life I gave up in some areas – a little bit. Obviously, not all together. I learned to place my curiousness into “safe” filters where I felt as though I was allowed to be curious. This is a faulty belief that runs on both sides of my family. I am not going to go into that though.

I did not understand my strengths or how they motivated me.

It has been a hard task to filter the voices that I have heard all of my life. Without reassurance, the proper tools to help me learn, or build into my strengths, I followed a line of thinking that my strengths had no value because they did not look the same as others. Had I been surrounded with people who understood, or even a couple of people who saw my strengths without manipulating them, I may have been able to understand that it was ok to be different. I may have understood that my strengths were good and had value. (I am not really sure if I am explaining myself very well. I hope others understand and can relate in some ways to what I am sharing here.)

I do know that many people share similar strengths as myself, AND that motivates me!

I cannot explain why. I just love to learn from others. I especially, enjoy learning from people’s strengths that I relate to. It helps me gain inspiration in other ways. It helps me connect to myself, in turn that helps me see and appreciate the strengths in others that I do not have.

I also took this test back in 2009 Jung Typology Test™ here were my results.

Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™
Your Type
INTJ

Introvert(44%) Intuitive(38%) Thinking(25%) Judging(44%)

You are:

moderately expressed introvert
moderately expressed intuitive personality
slightly expressed thinking personality
moderately expressed judging personality

My hope was to help understand myself more.

However, I have taken so many of these types of test for workplaces that I pretty much knew the outcome. Yet, my feelings had not changed much – I have felt disconnected from myself even after reading ALL about my personality type and strengths/weaknesses. I am happy to announce that this is slowly changing. I do enjoy taking these types of test though, so I took the test again to see if the outcome would change at all. I have gained more understanding about myself, so I wondered if anything had changed. There was not much change other than; I think I may trust myself a bit more. Here are the results.

Humanmetrics Jung Typology Test™
Your Type
ISTJ

Introvert(44%) Sensing(25%) Thinking(25%) Judging(44%)

You are:

You have moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (44%)
You have moderate preference of Sensing over Intuition (25%)
You have moderate preference of Thinking over Feeling (25%)
You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (44%)

I feel it is good for me to reevaluate these things in light of my new perspective about myself. (Still learning)

This is what changed my intuition went to sensing.

N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.^[9]

S – Sensing preferred to intuition: ISTJs tend to be more concrete than abstract. They focus their attention on the details rather than the big picture, and on immediate realities rather than future possibilities.^[7]

I am learning to see my strengths as positives things about me.

I can read about them with new eyes and learn how to use them properly while shedding negative associations. If negative associations arise, I have a better understanding how to handle them in a positive way – redirect my thinking. This is another round of self-actualization for me. I am getting “in tune” with how my brain works, why it does what it does, and accept it as good. My motivator here is for myself, but it is also for my kids. I know that with Daniel he may have similar struggles in processing things as I have had. I also see it in Ariel and Joshua in some ways. They have different ways of being motivated as well. I want to help them understand their motivators to understand the pros and cons about them.

My hope is to be able to help them when/if they begin to have struggles with identifying with self in anyway.

Since, I wanted to understand motivation I went on a search. I will only share a few things below. I understand it. I understand that I can be a great motivator for others. I have the ability to get people excited about their goals. I am good at that with others. I did make a good manager as long as I could have my focus directed toward work and not on the other social aspects of the jobs. (Some places I felt as though I was in a live Soap Opera!) I have not understood why I can build into others, see what motivates them, and use it to help them achieve success, but I have not been able to do that in certain areas of my life.

More specifically, areas of my life in that are my desires.

I have been successful and achieved things that I am proud of, but I cannot tell you what motivated me to do it. Half the time I really did not care if it turned out to be successful or not. Somehow, I have managed to stay motivated to write this blog for several years. I continued on my poetry and short story blog too.

I suppose I could say writing and creativity motivate me.

I feel good about the things I produce on them. I enjoy it. It makes me feel like a whole person, much more than anything else in my life. They help me to evaluate my way of thinking. I am motivated to do better as a person and with being creative. Motivated by, mental change? I do have great motivation in learning new things, being creative, and applying what I have learned.

Learning about mindfulness, along with other tools to help with negativity/anxieties has definitely motivated me to keep writing.

I have seen tangible change in my life, how I see my world, and my mental state because of that. It has helped with my self-esteem. (Work in progress.) Through these last few years, I have allowed myself to share more of my personal interests in science, literature, numbers, spirituality, philosophy, etc… I have let bits of my inner world out, but not with many people in my physical world. It has been virtually. I think this has given me the motivation to share more in the physical.

I am working on that.

Other people sharing their stories motivate me. I gain such inspiration from others and it motivates me to be creative. It motivates me to challenge my worldview. It gets me excited when I encounter new people with different backgrounds than me. I am motivated by sharing and relating. I am motivated by connecting people, places, things, history, ideas, and interests. (Just to name a few.) I knew this, but for some reason I felt that I was wrong. I felt that I should be motivated by what others are motivated by and if I am not then, something is not right with me.

The more I went on this mind adventure, the more I wanted to understand more of myself in this area.

I have mentioned it before, but will add it again for any new readers, I share many resources. I collect information and what I share comes from my information gathering. I do have more things that I read and watched, but I believe my information downloads can be a bit much for others. I like to gather a lot of input, process, filter it through my own thinking, and apply what I learn based on my perspective at the time that helps me. This is always subject to change based on new information. That is why many times I do not share my opinions about certain topics or resources – it takes me a long time to process and get settled.

Question of The Day: What is your primary motivator?

Motivation: The Why’s of Behavior

Psychological Dualism: Intrinsic-Extrinsic Motivation