Part of the problem as well is I think everyone else has no problems. I fall into the line of thinking that people have not felt this sort of thing — I feel that mainly with people in my personal life. I look at them and think they have it altogether and want to know why I do not. I do not know how to separate my own feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone from expressing myself. It makes me ache so badly at the thought of telling someone what I am feeling and then see it hurt them, or make them angry. I do not know how to process my emotions or what I am feeling by hurting or causing anger in another person. I am willing to die a slow aching death inside instead of telling someone how I feel fully.

I have instead built walls.

Only later to explode with emotion trying to force people to leave or I become numb to them so that I can finally say what I need to. Then, I wait in anticipation because I do not know how they are going to respond. Somehow I have to train my mind to be able to speak up and say that my pains and hurts matter. I have to express it even if it does affect someone else in a negative way or they do not give a flying fahrvergnügen. (It popped in my head and sounded funny so I used it.) David has been exposed to my working through expressing myself it has been very hard for him at times. I seem to not be as affected when he expresses his emotions to me — I think it may be from my years of listening to others express themselves.

David had no idea that I have been so unhappy for all of these years.

He had no idea I had been depressed for years, especially when we lived out West. He had no idea I was holding on to a broken heart from a long time ago. He had no idea that I was hiding behind a shadow of him. He had no idea that I was hiding so much of myself all of these years. Honestly either did I. He has lived with me 24/7 for years now and he did not know. I did what I have done my entire life, I pushed back any of my doubts, fears, and questions for the sake of trying to make/keep people happy. It was not because he did anything to make me do that, I just assumed the role that I had been given since childhood. I pushed back all of my emotions because I did not think that they mattered, or that I was making them up. I am saying this again, that I would be rejected, or that I would hurt someone. I say “rejection” often because it is a big one, and as I have read around the blogosphere many people feel it.

I wanted everyone else to be happy, to the point of my unhappiness.

As I have taken a look at my past relationships with everyone I have seen many things with clarity. I have stepped away from denial and looked at them again — there have been true moments of understanding. This is hard for me to accept, but no matter how much they said they cared about me they still treated me like they didn’t. I have been an afterthought in many people’s lives that I have continued to regard as close and dear. The only way I can understand is by looking at them through a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unconditional love the other end is complete hatred, most people fall into the middle even when they claim unconditional love. Maybe that is their definition of it. Maybe that is all they are capable of. Maybe my expectations are too high, but they have been too low for long enough so we’ll see how things go.

The focus has to be on the relationship.

Defining a relationship is a hard one for me since I have only known to suppress myself in them. I have read all kinds of things, I have written about it, and still my mind cannot grasp it. I guess I have to just look at the basics. Relationships are mutual in communication, trying to understand each other, sharing, being honest, and I believe acceptance is key. The other thing for a relationship to work is asking: “How does the other person define the relationship?”  I believe a lot of my confusion lies in, once again, my definitions of the relationships I have with people. I think my lacking theory of mind has caused me to believe that others feel the same way I do about them. The times that I discovered they do not or they do not place the amount of importance on things like I do, causes me to get hurt or confused.

I can confuse people because I am normally fine with limited contact.

I can go back and forth from not contacting at all to bombarding them with emails or fb posts. I don’t get upset if I do not hear from people all the time. I only get anxious when I am not sure what the relationship is. I can go months without talking to someone if I know how they feel about me. If I am unsure, I get loopy that is mostly with new relationships and family. An example is when I first became friends with someone online, both of us being Aspies with similar issues made it hard at first. We were both worried that the other would misunderstand, and leave. Or that we would offend each other, but after a month or so of us saying “I am not leaving, you cannot offend me, I fully accept you” we finally felt safe. (She rocks!) And that my friends is a loving thing to do for an Aspie.

I do see my patterns, but it may take a while to implement.

I think if I define what a healthy relationship is to me it will be very beneficial. I have spent so many years focused on what relationships mean to others. I know that if I no longer want to be hurt I need to change some things. I found a quote the other day that said: “I don’t know how to be someone that you would miss.” When I first read it I felt like it rang true with me, I felt like I wish I could be a person that someone would miss. The more I thought about it I got angry, and thought that quote may have it wrong. It should be something like: “It’s a shame you don’t know that I am someone to be missed”, or something much cleverer.   Actually Lisa from Alienhippy shared this quote the other day and I guess it makes it quite clear.

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to be with anyone who sucks the happiness out of you like marrow from a bone. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room. Never fight for a spot or sell yourself to someone who overlooks your worth. And, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

 ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup~

I don’t know how to walk in this quote, but I will try…

I read this quote the other day too.

“The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!” Ouch!

Disclaimer: What I have shared may have repeating information about relationships, I cannot keep track of my roaming mind. If indeed you have read things from me that are the same or quite similar well just remember I can be very loopy. However, every loop I go through I get a bit more clarity so enjoy the ride.

Your email:

 

Before I go into this post, I would like to share that my source of shutdown this past week was triggered by numerous things. I completely forgot how fragile I am in January. I have triggers for this month, and no matter how great I feel during/after the holidays it is inevitable that meltdowns/shutdowns are going to happen. I am writing this to say to myself and anyone else who may be feeling what I am feeling “It is ok.” Holidays are a lot and we need release. My emotions were triggered even further by the feeling of being left out by my family. It happens every year, it happens when I am with them or not. The fact is, I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable with them. I need to accept that. The exception being my aunt that I love dearly and who means the world to me. She does accept me and our family the way we are. When New Year’s weekend came and went I was overwhelmed with feeling invisible.

Every year the family meets at her house for the New Year’s weekend to celebrate.

They celebrate Christmas as well at that time. As I saw the pictures of everyone, I got engulfed with emotions that I am not sure how to describe fully. It brought about fears and anxieties about moving back there. Shortly after that I began to feel as if my aunt was angry at me, or upset for some reason that I concocted. I tried desperately to stop the loops, but the thought of losing my aunt and then not knowing how things would work with us moving back consumed me. I went into a panic and emailed her. I was devastated when I had not heard back from her fearing that she indeed was upset, and I was not making it up. I forced myself to work through it, and came to the conclusion that I was overreacting and to wait it out. I got resolved in my mind, after my panic and shutdown of course. Long story short, for some reason my email did not go through until later in the week.

This is part of my process.

I am looking at and discerning my irrational thoughts.  I am deciphering who accepts me fully, and deciding what types of relationships we should have. In the past my only options were all or nothing. This is a damaging thinking pattern, especially when it is based on irrational fears. Although I will say that many of my fears are not unfounded, I have been treated like crap. I do not need to make my choices based on social confusion, or feeling far too inadequate to understand. I am seeking to base it on a balanced mind frame. I have been unable to share with my aunt the past three months what I have been going through. When I finally could write out my words, I was fearful of the outcome. I had no reason to be with her, but because of me being overly sensitive this month with emotions, sensory, and working through everything that I have been sharing on here, I could not think straight. All of that being said here I go.

Starting from the end of Faking Happy I

I do cause myself much pain by holding in my words, and not expressing myself to certain people in my life. I do not know how, and until I feel comfortable I am not going to. This one is very hard to work through because I have managed to fake being happy and hide my feelings for so long that I truly do not know how to express them with clarity. It makes it even more difficult because I am still unable to know what I am hurt, angry, or frustrated by specifically. I am not altogether able to pinpoint what it is that has hurt me or is hurting me. The only thing I can determine is that it hurts or it feels wrong. The only thing I know how to do is write them through poetry or fiction. I still am not able to figure it out right away.

I am also learning how to express myself when I feel happy.

I felt real happiness this last month. I was happy because I conquered some pretty big giants that were in my life. Now I am facing other ones. I mentioned that David took me to a ballet in 2008, he had no idea how moved I was until the other day when I voiced it to him. He knew that I liked ballet, my mom and sisters made darn sure that I got to go by insisting that they would watch the kids. I had never left them with anyone at that point for any amount of time. They knew how important the ballet was to me though. David knew that I would be happy, but he barely remembered it because my response to him seemed very subtle. He said he remembered that I sat there quietly through the whole performance, which is very unusual for me. He had no idea that I was so happy that I had tears of joy, or that it meant that much to me. I thought it was clear how much it meant to me.

I wasn’t. I only thanked him and talked about it a little afterwards.

He had no idea that I studied the booklet from the show, and then researched the group online. I didn’t share any of that. He didn’t even know that I kept it and the tickets. I had waited my whole life to see a real ballet group perform, and I felt too vulnerable to share any joy. Possibly since I had only shared with myself my joys for so long I didn’t know how. More likely it is both. David mentioned the other day that I did not cry about anything except for people I was praying for when we met. I actually didn’t cry until two or three years after we were together. It was after the twins were born. I think my tears came from being completely overwhelmed and exhausted from the changes of being a mother, taking care of the twins, being completely isolated, and Daniel not sleeping, crying/screaming for hours, not eating and various other things.

I was sleep deprived and had sensory issues from everything.

I didn’t know how to express any of that either. I couldn’t understand why I was having problems when so many other mothers seem to have no issues, and that is a whole other story. I do not know how to express myself to a person and not feel guilt or fear that they will reject me or my feelings. The scripts that I have are of people getting angry at me for voicing my emotions, or telling me that I was being foolish for feeling those things. Those are forms of emotional abandonment. I also get struck with the fear that they will leave because they think that I am too much or that my problems reveal what a mental case I am. I do not mean that in a bad way, please do not get offended I do not know how else to word it. I have not felt safe to share my real joys, or how much I care about things because people have hurt me when they discover my passions.

My problems are not any different from a lot of people.

To be continued in Faking Happy III (This got much longer than I anticipated…sorry. )

Your email:

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, hello sadness cycle there you are…Ironically every time I am in my “happy” cycle I tend to fool myself into believing that it will last. I was debating whether or not I wanted to “out” myself since I have been on such a good run, but the truth is, I fooled myself. It is an odd occasion where I am not feeling both happy/sad at the same time. I should start charting the degrees of what I am feeling. Today I am 51.8% sad and 48.2% happy. I am being consistent. It was not until yesterday, when I felt completely overwhelmed and started to have thoughts of not mattering to people that I realized this is truly a pattern of mine.

The things leading up to my current feelings are very clear.

I have exposed myself with information that I feel is making me naked in front of the whole world. I then, felt foolish over the things I shared. I felt like it was silly to feel exposed over what type of music I like or that I always wanted to go to the ballet. Most people do not find that exposing at all. However, to me I am sharing things that by my now expression of liking them is more intense. I have the feeling that NOW everyone else will know what I am thinking or feeling. I have voiced my liking for things before with no real consequence to me because I kept hidden my true feelings in my mind. Once I openly confessed how much I cared for something in my recent posts it was like my words revealed the real me, but to other people they were just words. I tend to forget that people do not think of them like I do.

Words and music are very personal things to me.

Many times I feel like I have closer relations with them than people…Ok, I actually do. I have deep attachments to some of these things that I have been sharing lately. Then, after I have shared them I relived past meltdowns/shutdowns, and other experiences about some of the things that I have exposed. Once those enter the picture I feel guilt or shame, or the worst possible feeling in the world for me — stupid. If I spiral down to the point of feeling like an idiot, well then I have mastered my perfect point of depression cycle.

I am not there yet, but that is also the reason for this post – to stop it.

What makes me feel stupid? It is not the feeling of lack of intelligence about certain topics, or questioning my ability to think and reason through most things. It is not about my ability to be educated, or feeling that I lack the ability to regurgitate information acquired in an articulate manner. No, it is not that at all, though what I am about to say does trigger doubt in my intellect sometimes. It is feeling like I am being made fun of, being misunderstood, treated poorly, feeling like I am misunderstanding others, and I cannot figure out what it is true or not. It is wondering if my aunt is angry with me for some reason though I have done nothing to make her angry, and if she was she would tell me. It is feeling anxious because I did not call my dad and step mom on Christmas because I couldn’t from social stress. It is the feeling of being invisible with all of my family members on fb while they are all “living” it up with each other and nary a Merry Christmas or Happy New Year sent my way.

I did email my dad that was all I could do.

David skyped his dad and step mom and, then his mom and her side of the family and I could barely get off of the computer long enough to say: “Hi”. My mom was here when David skyped his dad so I could say: “Hi” and not have to worry about talking very much. David did thank me for my feeble attempts to be social though I am a good faker in that area it tends to eat at me and gnaw at my insides until I crack. I have another post that I have been working through titled “Faking Happy”. There is a statement in there from David that I believe is worth sharing more than once. He said to me several days ago: “You have the ability to stay in long relationships completely unhappy, and no one knows it except for you.”

Yea, that spun me into several paths of thought.

It also brought tears that were completely unexpected. I can go through all of my long-term relationships and see this, with family, friends, ex’s, and even in my workplace. I was willing to work to the point of my complete illness both mental and physical because I did not want to hurt my bosses or upset them. These were bosses who used my abilities for their gain and did not treat me right at all. I remembered the last boss I had at a major retailer. We had an agreement I would come to his store if he got me in to do another round of what they called “Round Robin” sessions. The Round Robins were a day involving three sets of interviews with usually three executives all at the same time including store managers, district managers, and the Human Relations district manager. The regional manger would be there for certain positions. It was very challenging, and not the best thing for a person with anxiety issues or Aspergers. If I had known then I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself, and felt like such a failure.

I had gone through them twice already, and felt I could finally do well through them and get promoted.

There is a whole story with all of that, but basically my anxiety would get the best of me and my true self would not show. They always commented about me “not looking them in the eyes” and felt that I was too insecure and timid. HA! Me timid? I may be a lot of things, but when it comes to work I have never been timid. I was good at every job I did there and I knew it. I was a good trainer and most of the time a good leader when I did not have to deal with social nonsense.

Back to the story, I had been working over night for several weeks and was out of the loop.

I came in one morning to discover that the Round Robins were going on that day. My boss failed to tell me, and he did not even sign me up. He forgot about me even though he had been walking with me every night, complimenting me, and was even amazed at the amount of work I had accomplished in such little time. The people who I was talking to could tell that I was beyond upset, I asked where he was and they told me that he was part of the interviewing sessions.

I walked out.

They tried to stop me and calm me down, but I was done and I was not coming back. I sobbed uncontrollably the whole way home. I sobbed for hours, and I did not leave my bed. I felt such excruciating pain in my body that I cannot even describe. I felt broken. I felt rejected, invisible, and I could not understand why someone could not care the least little bit about me when I had poured my life into that store for him. Well for the company, but I was devoted to him as a boss. It triggered every moment in time where I put my trust in an authority figure, proved my loyalty and abilities only to feel trampled on and ignored. He called me leaving messages for me to come back, I did not pick up the phone I heard his messages on the machine.

I did come back and he apologized over and beyond.

He was honest in telling me that he didn’t have a good reason he had just forgotten. He forgot me. Do you know what that did to a person like me? It solidified the already pounding voices that had told me I did not matter. My hard work and over 60 hours a week that I put in did not matter. The fact that I drove 45 minutes to work, was there on time, stayed as long as he needed, fixed things in other departments for team leaders who were not fulfilling their job duties, and spending my days off if needed there…did not matter. My reactions may seem a bit extreme, but it triggered a lot of emotions at the time. I was also still deeply wounded by past relationships where the men in my life made me feel as if I didn’t matter. I got over it, I understood his reasons.

He did have a lot going on.

The positive that came out of it was that I did not have to go through those series of interviews ever again! He felt awful, and since I had already gone through them twice, he was on the committee, and I had proved my abilities and how capable I was I got promoted anyway. They also could not locate my previous reviews that had stated that I needed more “growing”. It was strange. I look back on some of my situations where I felt completely devastated by things like that and see how a lot of the times they ended up working out in my favor. It does not take away the feelings of rejection, the feelings that I was not even thought of was extremely painful, I still feel it today. I do not know how other people handle these types of things. I do not know how people get over these thoughts, or when the sting of familiar feelings hit how do they not relive them.

My mind has to work double time to cope with this stuff.

I am nowhere near where I used to be, and that is a positive. I read several posts yesterday from the blog Life with Aspergers about Aspergers and depression. I cannot tell you how much these posts helped me. I combed through them and applied what I was learning. I discovered my biggest problem is much like my anxiety problem was I have not accepted this cycle. I finally accepted my anxiety which has helped immensely. Even though I have confessed my understanding of the cycles, I still have not accepted all of them fully. I had hidden thoughts that somehow if I had the information that it would miraculously disappear. I am not talking about being in severe depression — I know the difference between that and my cycles. I would go to a doctor if I was feeling that way. This is the depression that comes and is triggered by certain things, but I know that it will go soon enough.

I get negative thoughts, but mostly because I hold in my hurt, anger, or frustrations.

I also can cause myself a great deal of stress by fixating on my confusion. I will start to think things like I shouldn’t post ever again, or share my poetry, or walk out of my house because what does it matter anyway. I begin to believe that people do not want to hear from me ever again. I have images of family, and friends rolling their eyes at my emails or comments. I then think they only reply because they feel obligated. I start to tell myself that I need to clam up. I need to wither away into my own small world with no social contact so that I will not feel the social confusion, or anxiety.

It’s funny as I am writing these out and sharing them I see how silly they sound.

That reveals to me how I should not waste time on these kinds of thoughts or worry about things like whether my family even knows if I exist. I have accepted this cycle and I can already feel some of the silly thoughts leaving me now. I confess though they feel real, but I know that many of them are not. I am going to listen to this song for a while ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE~Johnny Mercer & The Pied Pipers and work through some of these thoughts. I am tired of faking happy. Tomorrow I will shoot for 68% happy and 32% sad…my gradient of joy. My acceptance of the depression (sadness) cycle is a healing process for me with my acceptance comes the ability to think of new ways to handle and process it. I am exchanging unhealthy patterns for new healthier ones one layer at a time.

If you have not read these I highly recommend them they are great resources.

Aspergers and Depression

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 2

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 3

Asperger’s and Depression – Part 4

This post from another blog helped me too.

Managing Your Anxieties and PTSD

And another song because I think Kevin Spacey is tops!

Also because I was listening to the soundtrack of Midnight Garden of Good and Evil…maybe that made me sad? No, it was a series of things including sensory stuff. Without further ado I give you “That Old Black Magic” performed by Kevin Spacey who always makes me smile. (I loved him in Se7en, another favorite…Big surprise!)

Your email:

 

 

 

I am utterly shocked at the news that David shared with me this morning. I want to point out that it may not be as devastating to others as it is to me, but it was shocking. He confessed that he did not like a band that I am rather fond of. A band that was pivotal in my life, during my heavy metal era. They were actually the only band that I was obsessed with, did not have a crush on any of the band members, their lyrics rang deep into my spirit, and the screechy vocals and guitar riffs soothed my aching soul.  I related deeply to the sounds and the songs, and they both comforted me in my isolated feelings and depression.

I liked a lot of different music, but heavy metal did something for me.

I believe now it caused deep pressure and was much like a hug machine for me. Even though I am not a fan of crowds I was frequently found at rock concerts. I spent a large portion of my teenage years and young adult life at rock concerts. When I became a Christian I traded my “secular” concerts for Christian music concerts. Many times the music was as much “rock” as I could get. The sounds and feel of concerts energized me. I loved watching people sing in unison at any genre of concert. There is something about people all singing together that moves me. I would normally have my eyes closed, or I would fixate on one of the band members singing or playing their instrument. But when I would hear the band stop playing and everyone would start to sing together, I would open my eyes and watch.

It is such a magical moment.

I can see waves flow from the mouths of people, the calm enter, and for a moment in time there is complete peace. It occurs with only certain types of songs, but when it does I am so happy to stand outside of myself and watch the dancing notes floats around. This band that I was talking about will be inducted in to the Rock Hall of Fame. I had every album, (except the 2008) I sat up all night listening to them many times, and I would lie in my bed and let my emotion’s work through the tunes. I did this with several other bands as well, but I am talking about this one because I just got their greatest hits off of iTunes (gift card, yea!). I have been listening to them.

I have allowed myself to listen to them.

When I stopped listening to anything except Christian/worship music I threw out their albums along with many others…tons. I threw out all of my concert shirts and ticket stubs that I had collected. I cried when I threw them all out, I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Maybe I was for that moment in time, but now I wish I had them all back. I never got to see this band in concert and I was sad about that, they are none other than Guns-N-Roses. I was so excited when I discovered during my still listening to them phase that my boss went to school with Axl Rose. He was not much impressed with him and told me so, but he knew my love for their music and shared whatever questions I had.

It was so ironic to me because we were both over a thousand miles away from our hometowns.

Yet, he knew the lead singer of one of my all time favorite bands. It really isn’t that ironic I guess, but we can pretend. I do not know how David and I got on the topic of music this morning, but for some reason G N’ R came up. He then disclosed his lack of enthusiasm about the band. Let me explain in a little more detail my obsession with the band, I knew every single lyric to every song even if I thought it was not that great. I could play air drums and guitar to perfection to each song, AND I had (still) Axl’s Rose’s dance down to perfection. I learned the majority of that dance first from Davie Jones of The Monkees — he does it quite well in this video of Daydream Believer. (Horrible sound quality, sorry…you can see it at around 1:26)

I connected to the band so much because it spoke my heart during that time in my life.

I read everything I could about them, and collected information about their lives. How could David not love them?? I know, I know not everyone is going to like my music. David is more on the punk rockish side, while I am more on the head banging side. Ha ha ha We do have different tastes in music for sure, but we are not limited to those genres. It is just funny to say. I bring this band up because I tried listening to them a while back and it hurt too much. I forced myself to listen to them, and write out what I was feeling. There was a lot going on in my life while I was listening to their music. It was between 1987-1993 that some of the most traumatic events happened to me, in regards to me listening to this band to sooth me. (I threw out all of my cd’s and tapes in 1999, and started replacing them with new music.). My favorite of their albums were Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II. I waited in excited anticipation for those to come out.

During that time my best friend got pregnant.

She moved in with her new boyfriend and the one time sealed at the hip pods that we were was now severed. I ended up moving in with my second boyfriend, who did not attach to me like my friend. My friend’s brother was killed in a horrible car accident, and I did not know how to process the loss of her as a friend. I lost her to her new man, and then she completely changed after her brother died. I didn’t even know how to process his death because he was my first boyfriend’s cousin, and his best friend in the whole world. He was also very mean to me, lied about me, made fun of me, got girls to go out with my ex while were together, he was just plain mean. He called me horrible names. I was overwhelmed with the sadness for them, and the conflict of my own relief that this bully in my life was gone.

I felt horrible, and like an evil person.

I didn’t understand how so many people could love him. He was not only mean to me either, there were plenty of people including his family that he was mean to. I witnessed several times his bullying or tormenting being lashed out on his sisters, mother, and various other people in the family. Apparently around the end of his young life he had changed, and started to be a lot nicer. He got back with his ex-girlfriend who was very sweet, and they got pregnant. His life was changing, and my friend even told me that he had said very nice things about me before his death. I do not know if it is true or not. I didn’t realize how much that all affected me because I am currently tearing up a little bit. I have carried guilt for my feelings toward him — I felt abandoned by my friend I have tried to not let anyone get that close to me again. I felt emotionally abandoned by my boyfriend at the time. I started cutting myself regularly at that time. (I stopped cutting around 1994 I forced myself to stop, but still had the urges.) It was a very lonely and confusing time in my life.

It is a huge triumph to be able to listen to this band without any of these triggers hurting me.

There are several favorite songs I have of theirs, but three stuck in me Don’t Cry, I held on to and trusted in the lyrics to get me through to the next morning on some nights. Civil War rang in my spirit, and still does, and November Rain because where I lived the November rain was so cold, and seemed to last a lifetime. Also, because I believed them, I felt the lyrics and believed in them. I sat many nights sending out my thoughts, fears, aches, desperate cries of isolation, and longing out into the universe to be heard. I felt somehow all of me would be caught with others in this musical connection and it made me feel not so alone.

I don’t feel those specific alone feelings anymore, even those feelings that rose recently.

I have listened to the songs, sang loud, and did my Axl Rose dance with vengeance! Woot! Maybe they will do a reunion…probably not. I can pretend, and create a whole rock concert in my living room like I used to. I haven’t even started the New Year here and already I am making some great changes in my life. I am looking forward to 2012. I know I am still working through things, but I feel stronger and stronger every day in who I am…becoming. I am also feeling able to be myself without a care. I still cannot believe David doesn’t like Guns-n-Roses, pure silliness. I’m kidding! I shouldn’t be surprised he doesn’t like a lot of my music, I always forget! I guess I have a good memory for certain things. Lol!

I bid you Happy New Year, I am leaving with a lovely song, and some clouds!!

The song is not a Guns and Roses song. It is much tamer and French!

Carla Bruni – L’Amoureuse

Your email:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers.   I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)

 

Your email:

 

 

Interesting how things just seem to pop up when I have been pondering and thinking about them. Jay Blue’s YouTube video appeared on my facebook feed and I had to check it out, since I have been working through relationships and all. I have read through a great deal of it already, but I do plan on spending more time reading it since I am in an overloaded state and miss some things like this. From what I have read I think it is a very good guideline for Aspie girls looking for love with NT guys. (It could be good for men as well.) I WISH that I would have had something like this for me years ago. It would have helped me so much, and my mom would have benefited as well. It also would have helped a great deal if my peers were not pressuring me to date and focus on guys.

But that is in the past, moving on.

If you would like to get a free copy of the guide here is the information:

EMAIL introspectroom@gmail.com to receive a FREE PDF copy of “AN ASPIE GIRL’S GUIDE TO FINDING LOVE IN THE NEUROTYPICAL WORLD”

Here is the rest of her information as well.

JAY BLUE
Autistic writer & Public speaker

LIKE my page and receive autism-related news and events
www.facebook.com/jayblue3000

See my blog on:
http://introspectrum.blog.com

You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/CuriousColours

I have no doubt that I will end up discussing the information as I see my own patterns and relate to what she has written. I already had a moment of being overwhelmed with flashbacks of all of the wrong things that I have done in relationships. I would say my first mistake would be picking the wrong guys. There is an important question that she brings up in the first part. The question asked is “Why do you want to be in a relationship?” in hindsight had I thought to ask myself the reasons why I was in relationships, or wanted a relationship, I most likely would not have been in them. Another section she shares “Alarm Bells or signs that he is not genuinely interested or only “semi-interested” (i.e. he is “stringing you along” until he meets someone else or he only wants you for sex) I’ll had or “money”.

Yes, that section would have been nice to have a long time ago.

I have gone through some of the guidelines sections and I think they are very good and helpful. So far, what I have read has been very good and the most important take home for the moment is to respect yourself, set standards, and boundaries. All of the things I did not learn! Blah! Oh, well you are never too old to learn. I am looking forward to spending more time reading this. Go get yours!!

It’s free! And check out her blog, there are some good reads on it!

Your email:

 

This quote has popped up in several odd places for me in the past few weeks. I confess I am almost in a complete shutdown. It is not a good shutdown, I am highly emotional. I am trying very hard not to collapse into myself. I can’t I have to live life. It is hard sometimes. I know that there are several reasons for this feeling. I am anticipating a whole lot of invisible some things with no names. I wasn’t exactly sure what my problem was, but honestly there are too many things that are flowing through my mind to pinpoint anything. Usually October until January…no, February, possible it’s March until I feel the many past experiences leave me.

The holidays always remind me of how alone I feel and felt.

Every holiday was lonely. I was surrounded by people who loved me and still I felt awkward and alone. Plus this month represents one of the happiest times in my life and triggers into the saddest as well. I cannot stop the loops of rejection. I can only redirect them, I am trying and it is painful. It is hard to reprogram your mind. It is hard for me to try to believe something positive when in most instances the second I gave hope a try, it burst into a negative.

I am sure there are many reasons that made me feel like the outcome turned out negative.

I am positive that social confusion (a lot of family confusion), anxiety, and sensory issues played a big role, but I still feel it. It doesn’t matter if I misinterpreted things or people misinterpreted me, the words, the actions, and the emotions all exist. I am not trying to sound down and negative, I am sad though. I am feeling lonely. I feel hurt. I feel lost. I am faced with the realization that we are moving back to my hometown. We will be going possibly as soon as March or at least by the summer. I am scared for many reasons. I am nervous and anxious about following through on getting a diagnosis and facing other things that I have to do.

The thought of going forward with the diagnosis brings forth a lot of emotions.

The biggest one is the feeling of doing it alone. I know that I am not alone, but I am feeling lonely in this. I guess I just have to deal with it like I have my entire life. Especially during the holidays it is difficult for me. I am happy for everyone enjoying themselves, doing their holiday family and friend festivities, but I feel like such an alien. I don’t want to be sad or feel this way, I don’t want to talk about it because I do not want to feel like a burden. I don’t even know how to talk about it.

I don’t even know for sure what I am feeling, it is just familiar.

I will say that it just sucks. It sucks to feel this way. I really dislike feeling happy for others and aching inside for myself. I don’t know how to describe it. I really have no more words about this topic, I think this post “What I need and want” may sum up a lot of emotions that I am overwhelmed with right now. What prompted me to write this out was a song that I heard for the first time today. I am facing some of my demons and want to shake the devil off my back, cause I have a lot of dancing to do. Here are the lyrics so you know what I am referring to if you don’t want to listen to the song. Shake It Out lyrics

Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

I have never heard of them or listened to their music, (I just saw on YouTube that they were on SYTYCD last season, but I must have turned the channel, I do not usually watch the bands on that show. I only watch the dances, no voting either. ) but this was a good song for me to hear today and it has “It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” in the lyrics. I discovered it from a series clicks reading several different blogs that led me to this awesome quote by Björk “You have 1,000 colors of emotion, and each album is one color exaggerated. It’s so exaggerated that it’s not me, but it’s one color, you know? And I feel like that color is in everyone.” from this interview.

In those terms it helped me realize that I am having one color of emotion right now that is exaggerated.

It is exaggerated for many reasons and I could list them off, but I am funneling all of this into a story and several poems so it will reflect this color of me right now. The emotion is not me, I am only feeling it at this moment. I know she was talking about her album, but it helped me place my emotion in its proper place. It also helped me give myself permission to feel it. I need to be reminded a lot that I am not alone and my brain is both unique and has similarities with many. The darkness passes and through it I find my words, and I find more light and multicolored songs.

“It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” this has been true throughout my whole life so I will trust in that. 

I want to share another quote from Björk “I think there’s a need for the theatrical. It’s very organic and ancient and human. I don’t think it’s artificial.” When I express myself I hear the words of many people in my life who told me constantly to stop being so theatrical. I am very animated and passionate about things, I also never learned how to express myself in any other way. All I ever knew was to hold it in and then explode. Or hold it in and harm myself. I admit I feel guilty for even sharing these feeling or implying that I am allowed to feel them. Dang! This really hurts. Ok, I’m done…for now.

Your email:

 

                     

 

When my brain starts to make connections sometimes they will happen in floods of rapid “Aha” moments and it will be through a whole bunch of different resources. I have been slowly working through my communication connections and they all connect to a cluster of many other connections. My mind will start to make sense of my past, present, and it helps me process a little bit more about my gray future.  

I admit the other day when I discovered the photo with some of my books pictured, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

I was consumed with memories of things that I had locked away and I felt all of the pain and sadness I felt in that time in my life. I had gone through some devastating things during 1991-1993, alone. I had no way to understand them and no way to process them. I felt so sad for the young Angel who had been and was desperately trying to find answers for her pain and confusion through books and also escaping through books. I forgot that I read as much fiction and literature as I did non-fiction and biographies and history. I took that away from me. I stripped myself of anything that would make me feel because it hurt too much or caused confusion.

I also saw pictures of myself at that age.

For the first time I looked at a picture of me and knew me. I knew that person, I knew my real smile and why I was smiling. I knew my fake smile and why I was faking it. I knew my stuff that was all in the background of my mom’s house or my apartments. I knew me. It was hard to grasp, but I was comfortable looking at me and saying “Hey, I know you.”  Maybe I sound silly, but oh well. When I found this video yesterday of Daniel Tammet: Different Ways of Knowing TED I felt like even more of me made sense.

You can read about Daniel Tammet here .

 I did read his book Born on A Bue Day, but I was so disconnected from myself and was only thinking of my Daniel when I read it I did not really connect myself to it. I plan on rereading the book just to see if I get anymore connections. I didn’t really understand synesthesia or truly realized that I had it when I read his book or read about him. I probably had some knowledge, but did not connect it yet. Everything in my time, wait for it…wait for it…yes that is what my brain does to me often. Anyway I thought it was a good video and wanted to share. Oh, it’s Thursday! I was born on a Thursday at 11:59pm I haven’t thought of the color.

Days of the week always make me think of mythical gods and the names behind the days of the week.

Thursday makes me think of Thor the Thunder god, well it was named after him and my mom loved Thor. She was going to name my sisters, if they were a boy “Thor Alexander”. My one sister is named Athena that is my mom’s other favorite the goddess of wisdom, she always says. I am stopping now I went off on a tangent again. Thursday is sometimes swirly, sometimes green, sometimes, nothing at all, but most of the time it is just blank to me. I find that amusing considering it was named after such a dynamic god.

Happy Thursday with a bunch of squiggles and sixes, I see dancing sixes.  

Your email:

 

 

 

 

My entire life, literally as far back as I can remember I have had this longing to find the one person who understood me. The person who wanted to be with me. The person who wanted me to be myself. The person who would enjoy me and I would enjoy them. I had no clear distinction between genders, it was not about that for me. I have tried to find this person my whole life. I have had best friends and other relationships that I thought could be it. Once I started to see how it was not fitting or that they didn’t really want me to be myself, I started to force it. I would force myself to change and conform to try to make it work. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I wanted so much to know what love was and to feel loved that I would do anything to try to achieve it at certain times in my life. Sometimes I still longed for that person, but I also felt fine alone.

The isolation and rejection I have felt for a lifetime has made the desire for “the one” very strong.

Most people define “the one” as being their spouse or significant other. I too have said this because that is what I thought you were supposed to have in a relationship like that. I never looked for someone to complete me though, I looked for someone to enhance me. I think that is the best word to use. I desired to just be me and have someone else who would be themselves also. Does that make sense? In a spouse or significant other I noticed that there were all of these stipulations and conditions that I did not understand.  So I didn’t spend much time concerning myself with that while I was younger.

As I got older it transitioned to more of a male counterpart other than a close friend type.

My “the one” thinking is similar to others though not limited to marriage or male relationships. At one time I had felt that I found both a connection as a friend and romantically with a person, but dismissed it as fantasy. After circumstances unraveled. It was quite surprising to feel both connections for me and I still am both confused and surprised by it. I still have the concept clearly defined in my mind as someone who accepts me fully and wants me to be me. I always felt that there was one person out there who would just know me. Understand me and fit. According to psychologists this is a fantasy. I agree to a point. I am not one to live in fantasy though I entertain quite an imagination, overall I am a realist.

I cannot seem to shake the feeling though.

I cannot cause myself to give up this notion that there is a person who understands me or wants to understand me. Maybe it was watching too many movies like Grease or Princess Bride or reading Jane Austen. While talking to David the other night the words came out of my mouth that “I need someone who is as obsessed with me as I am.” Lol! I did say that. (Could be perceived as selfish.) I do not mean that in a narcissistic way, what I mean is someone who has many similarities.

I feel accepted and loved when someone understands me.

When I am trying to explain myself all the time or I am misunderstood I feel rejected. The other thing is that it is natural for me to understand a person who connects with me. If we have many common interests, themes, or ways of thinking the relationship is much easier for me and I can enjoy them more. I am at ease and comfortable being myself, I do not constantly monitor or filter what I am feeling or thinking. I understand that there needs to be balance in that area too, I am learning stuff here, you know. I also understand that these are normal things for people to feel whether they are on the autism spectrum or not. However, I think it may be more important for an Aspie to have “common connections” because otherwise the disconnect could cause many problems. There could be a lot more relationship issues and both parties can feel quite misunderstood and hurt.

David is the opposite in the regard to many commonalities he likes people who have many differences because he likes ideas.

He likes to fly around many thoughts and concepts at once and talk about them. He brought up this Seinfeld for me to think about. Funny stuff. He says that he loves that I am so unique and that I think differently than most. (some days maybe not so much) He likes people who exhibit change, growth, and challenge him to think. I guess I do that a bit. I just want to be clear I do not want people in my life who are exactly like me, I just feel more comfortable with people who share many common interests with their own perspective.

When we talked about relationships from our past he has shared the different reasons that he liked them or was attracted to them.

And to my surprise how he has love for each of them even the ones that were not so great. I find that interesting. I do not think that way at all, partly because I think in many of my relationships I did not connect with them. I was just with them. I would like certain things about them, even love certain things about them. I would then, force myself to think it was it, this was going to work come hell or high water because I did not want to try to find someone again!

There is a problem though.

I have major intimacy issues. Let me change that, I am quite intimate with people or on my blogs where I am pretty much anonymous, (I am not referring to romantic intimacy that is a whole other topic I am not talking about right now.) when I connect to them. I share everything. I feel no hindrance or fear and nothing feels forced. I have only found a few people in my life that I can be like that with. However, after I share I feel quite vulnerable and scared that they will leave. I even do this with my mother. If I share something too personal she shut downs and I always thought it was because she was upset with me or was rejecting me. I have since discovered that she has to process. We process differently in some ways and similarly in others. One way that is the same is that in order for her to say exactly what she wants to say she has to think about it sometimes days or months.

BUT before I bring anything up I have already spent that time  processing.

I then, forget that she has not had the same length of time to process and I cannot understand why she is acting like that. I have gotten much better with this. I still have no idea what I do to people when I tell them what is on my mind fully.  I think that has been another reason for my fascination with finding the one person who would be able to handle me. I know the word handle sounds bad, but truly I do not know how to phrase it better. I seem to cause a lot of turmoil and be much work for people. I guess I am as much work to people as they are to me.

I am not completely stuck on the “the one” concept.

I understand that it could be a fairy tale and placing that type of title on anyone can be quite damaging. Whether it be a friend or significant other.  How could anyone ever live up to being “the one” in another persons life? Though I do not mean it in the same sense as others do, it still could be quite a challenge. I accept people fully if they will allow me to know them. I will love them to my degree of love and I will share freely with anyone who will share with me as long as I feel safe. I have found people who understand me.

I have found people who like me.

They accept me for all of my intense, quirky and silly ways. I do not have 500 friends (I don’t want 500 friends) I have a handful who I treasure deeply and am very thankful for. No one person can fulfill the needs of another, I know that and it has never been my definition of “the one”. The one that I always dreamed of just loved me as fully as I loved them. With all of our flaws, differences, perfections, and wonderfully wired ways. (I borrowed “wonderfully wired” from Fi)  I know, I know go talk to Jesus. I will add that I am also incredibly thankful for all of my bloggyfriends, even if we do not chat and hang out, I still feel connected and understood in bloggyland.  (“bloggyfriends” and “bloggyland” borrowed from Lisa)

I guess if I want someone obsessed with me I will go look in the mirror and have a conversation. HA! 

I am solely focusing on my fascination. I do not mean to imply that David does not support me or listen, he does. Even with all of the things that I have exposed about myself to him these last few months. It has not been easy on either of us, but it has been good because all of  this has exposed unhealthy patterns that we do not want to pass off onto our children. If it were up to me, I would end up sharing everything on here without a thought, but that is a line that I am learning not to cross. During all of this, I have been trying to understand why I think things, feel things, do not feel things, question my brain and research to see if others have any similarities. I have found some really good reads that I share below. I have many thoughts about what I read in these, some of them made me cry and feel comforted at the same time.

 

“True love” or Aspie affinity?-The Wrong Planet

Love and Asperger’s Syndrome - The Telegraph

Naked Brain Ink- Blog by a woman with ASD dealing with exceptionally personal issues like sex, intimacy, relationships etc… Many great articles

Love Is Not a Game -Psychology Today

Friendship Difficulties

I don’t have problems making friends, I have problems keeping them.

There are only few a people in my life who have stuck around and continued to welcome me back from a long hiatus. I take friend breaks because I get too overwhelmed. If I am connected to someone though, it can last a lifetime if they are accepting of my silence. I can count my close friends on one hand. They have degrees of availability to my heart depending on how much I am able to share with them and not freak them out.   If they were not willing to stay during my quiet times, I would have no friends outside of David, my mom and my aunt. Writing this all out and reading the various articles and blogs have helped me tremendously. I am just amazed that so many things come naturally to others and not me. At least I have found that I am not alone and share many of the same issues as other Aspie’s, even NT’s.  I am glad that I can find things to read from other Aspie’s though to help me process and filter through from many different perspectives. It helps me to understand myself and discover my feelings.

Your email:

 

 

 

 

Yesterday we went to the park. It has been a while because there is only one decent park in the area and it is close to a homeless shelter which at times has some people that make me feel uneasy. I am a woman alone with three kids and some of the people are either on drugs or coming off of them and lets just say I get bad feelings sometimes and we do not go. When it is the right time though and there are several other parents and kids out it is nice to go to the park. Except it is the coldest spot on the island, it has so many huge trees surrounding it that the sun can only peek through at times.

However, yesterday was perfect.

Ariel brought her doll that she is currently not letting leave her side, her doll and dragon costume because now her dragon costume is her pet named “Ariel”. The kids did their normal routine, Ariel and Joshua played wildly all over the park, Daniel ran off alone and played on a kiddy slide thing. At times I get looks from parents because he does look like he is 8 years old towering over everyone height wise. I let him play, he learns how to take turns and be gentle with younger kids. He normally is unless he is fixated on going down the slide, but he is never aggressive just forgets that there are others around.

After a while of their usual play, they all drifted toward one another.

For a time they were playing in the same vicinity, but still Ariel and Joshua were playing more so together. Daniel kind of ran around them would do the spiral slide, look at them and laugh. He did keep looking at a little boy though. I noticed the boy too and wanted very much to include him. He stood close to the slide and just watched. He wanted so much to play, but it was clear he didn’t know what to say or do. I think he was around four or five. He had long hair about halfway down his and he was wearing a bright orange shirt. Daniel kept looking at him and smiling, but then would run around and play whatever he was playing. Ariel and Joshua were running all over the place and passed the boy several times.

There were two little girls that came up at some point and started playing by themselves.

All of my guys took notice, but did not talk to them and kept running off to the different areas of the park. I had to keep an eye my guys because they were scattered across the park so I was unable to talk to the little boy. I was also a bit apprehensive because his parents were far-off and I just didn’t have a good feel about it. Something just told me that I should not approach the boy. I was in earshot of his conversation with the two little girls who came to play.  Actually only one little girl did the talking, she was a real go-getter, Ariel and Joshua made friends with her, but I will talk about that in a moment. I heard this conversation between her and the little boy:

Girl: “Are you a girl?”

Boy: “No, I am a boy.”

Girl:“You have hair like a girl.”

Boy:“I am a boy.”

At that point Daniel was getting ready to jump off of some high bars and I had to run over to him. I do not know what else was said, but the boy went over to his parents. I was then, distracted and didn’t see him for a while. I wanted to jump in on that kiddy conversation, but I felt it best not to. In the mean time Ariel and Joshua now made friends with the little girl, who had left her friend with her mother eating a snack. She so wonderfully showed them how to go down the spiral slide on their bellies which I was not too fond of because Joshua almost fell face first into the dirt. So they played and she was “first” and they then made a pecking order. Her name was Molly and her friend’s name was Ella. Both adorable and Molly was the leader. Ella was very timid.

Ella was using Molly as her social guide and without her she was lost.

Molly ran around playing and talking and my guys followed and giggled and had so much fun because they “had friends”. (I know I have got to get them out more.) Molly continued to leave Ella and she looked to me for comfort. I tried to help her get back in the game, but she was lost without Molly telling her what to do. Then Molly leaped down from the slide and said: “Let’s play princesses!” Ella said she would be Belle, Molly waited for Ariel. I looked at Ariel not knowing who she would pick, I was nervous this was a big social moment and if she picked the wrong one Molly could turn in a moment, I just knew it. Ariel said “I am Princess Dragon”. I looked at Molly and waited, she was looking back at me and she was stalling, then she looked at Ariel then back at me and said: “I am Princess Leia” I smiled.

Then she asked Joshua what prince he was.

At first it was Aragorn, but when he heard Princess Leia he changed to “Prince Anakin”. They played on and I was hoping for the best. It happened though Molly turned. Thankfully Ariel did not hear it, but I heard Molly tell Ella: “Come on I do not like Princess Dragon.” And they ran off. Ariel and Joshua had not heard anything and thought that the girls were playing something else. I was happy that Molly started running around screaming and pretending that Ariel was a dragon, so she included her again. Ariel loves playing a dragon so it worked out. Then, Ella tried to be a dragon, but couldn’t quite get the scare. It all ended up being ok, if Molly had anymore to say I did not hear it and my guys were unaware to anything other than having fun.

I noticed the little boy in orange was back watching.

I asked Ariel to ask him if he wanted to play with them. She told me that she would in a few minutes, but was taking a break. A break from what I am not sure, I think she just felt awkward about it. As they were all playing the mom came up and told the boy to play. Daniel continued to run around the boy smiling. At one point he even said: “hey” but then ran off and went down the slide. The boy asked his mom to play with either Daniel or Joshua I couldn’t tell and she said: “He doesn’t want to play with you, come on.” She then proceeded to try to get him to go down the slide and climb around. She even started doing it herself to show him how, but she was yelling at him saying: “Get up here and play”.

All of her language was quite harsh in tone, but nothing so terrible that I felt I should say something.

It was very uncomfortable and painful to listen to. What do you do? I really don’t know. I actually shut down and didn’t have words. The mom finally had enough and told him that if he wasn’t going to play, then they were leaving. He started to cry and said that he wanted to play. She yelled at him and said: ” You are not playing! I am trying to play with you and you won’t. This is not fun for mommy.” With that she scooped him up and carried him off as he screamed and cried. I wasn’t sure what my kids were feeling or thinking and it seemed as if they had not noticed too much because they continued to play while this was going on. I did see Daniel stop and look and run back up to the slide, stop and look and then go down the slide. However, he was smiling the whole time.

After the event Ariel came up to me and said: “Mom, I think I feel bad for that boy.”

Joshua said: ‘Yes, I feel bad for him, his mom didn’t seem nice.” And Daniel came up and said: “I wanted to play with the orange boy.” He then ran off to the slide and as he went up the steps he said: “I feel bad for him too.” I told them that I felt bad too and I really didn’t have answers as to why that happened. They seemed to be settled or at least let it go. I found out later in the evening that they were all still thinking about it. When they were on Skype with David they told him about it. Daniel said: (with a sigh and a little teary-eyed) “Yeah, I felt bad for the orange boy.” Ariel and Joshua added their concerns about his mom. This was the first time that Daniel voiced his empathy for another person like that. He was feeling it and watching the whole thing.

Just by observing their behavior it would have seemed that none of my children cared about the situation going on.

However, they all were and they were deeply concerned and upset by the whole situation. All of them felt bad for him not playing, but didn’t know what to do. They felt bad for how he was spoken to and it hurt them, but they didn’t know what to say. All of them felt sad. All of us had empathy,  but didn’t know how to help or fix the situation. Yes, people on the spectrum have empathy. It was a bit too overwhelming because all of us were deeply affected, but felt helpless in the situation.

Each of us looked as though we didn’t see or know what was going on.

The fact is we took in each detail and we wished that it could have ended differently. You cannot really tell by a stoic face or a smiling face how someone is expressing empathy. I think one of my issues along with what my kids felt was the inability to know what to do. We did not know how to help or show our empathy well. I have been accused of being harsh, cold, or strange while trying to express empathy. I wish people could have a peek into my heart and mind sometimes so they could feel the intensity of my empathy. It looks as though my kids have the same intensity.

Just because it does not look the way people think it should does not mean empathy is lacking.

Your email: