Yesterday was a fairly productive school day. Although, we were a bit out of sorts because I was leaving for a little while in the evening, and Joshua was obsessively excited about being able to be with Daddy, watch Robotech, and play Batman on the Wii. Daniel doesn’t show the same interest or excitement with those things, but can be off or show signs of anxiety when I am going somewhere. Ariel has a settled kind of excitement, but it also can be hard to read her at times. She has the same type of “poker face” that I have — it can be difficult to know what she is feeling. Most of the time she seems very much at peace, when she is upset she does let us or whoever know. I think it’s all good. I am in the middle of writing a post about the poker face thing because I have been told that my poker face makes it hard for people to know what I am feeling or thinking. I didn’t realize that I have that face often, I thought I was expressing my emotions on my face.
I do not do it on purpose — it’s my normal face!
Don’t get me wrong Ariel shows her joy and happiness all the time. She is a very silly girl. She calls me out all the time too, which I find very amusing. I was being silly while making breakfast yesterday. I believe I was dancing and making up a song at the time or telling the cat how wonderful he was while rolling on the floor like a cat myself, and petting him. I can’t remember pick one — I will not share the other multiple silly things I did. She ate her toast and said: “You are a crazy mommy!” She tells me things like that all the time. She likes it, but she makes it clear that she knows I am different from other mommy’s. She says that it is a good thing, though if someone heard her tone they may not be sure.
She doesn’t show much affection either — in a “normal” way.
It is a very rare occasion when she comes up to give a hug, never a kiss. She never gives kisses — she does not like receiving them either. She does like to rub her face or head on my face. We are like a mommy cat and a kitten. I understand it. We do butterfly kisses (rubbing our noses) and she will curl up like a little animal on my lap while I pet her hair. She likes to pretend that she is an animal a lot. She acts like a dragon, a house cat or a wild cat most of the time. Her outward affections are limited at times, but she will show her love by drawing or painting a picture, or sitting next you. Normally she is quite busy doing her own thing, like “working” on the computer or reading a book. She likes being alone, she says that at times she HAS to be alone in her room for a while.
I give all of that information to bring understanding as to why yesterday was an unexpected moment.
After we finished school, I felt like I should hang out with the kids. I did have a movie that I was waiting to watch “Bright Star” it’s about John Keats and Fanny Brawne. (I did enjoy the movie very much.) I sometimes play movies in the background while I play with them, but I did want to focus on this movie a little more since I was very interested in the story. I asked the kids if they wanted to watch it with me, sometimes we get into some good history conversations when we watch period pieces. They do enjoy them a lot of the times and I try to tie in history about inventions, scientists, artists, or interesting things to them about the era while we watch. The boys were not into it, and they were playing very well together so they did their own thing. Ariel wanted to watch the movie with me. She asked me what it was about, and I told her. I was surprised by her interest. Her excitement was directed toward Fanny’s stitching and the cooking that was going on.
A little bit into the movie she sat next to me on the couch.
She grabbed a blanket draped it over her legs like me, my hand was resting flat on the couch, and she put her little hand in mind. We watched the rest of the movie holding hands and she talked and talked and asked question after question. There were many things in the movie that moved me, I have my own personal connections and even commonalities with the films story as well as John Keats real life story. Ariel is very interested in how the body works and disease, when the symptoms of tuberculosis started in the film she had all kinds of questions. I am not usually a big movie crier, but there are certain movies that can draw tears from my eyes. This one did a few times — it was the added emotion of words that were flowing. Poetry can draw great emotion from me — when I have connections to it I am fragile.
As we sat never uttering a word about the hand holding, I looked at her and seared the moment it in my mind.
She told me that she really liked the poem Bright Star. When the movie was over she did not leave my side. I went to check my email and she stood by me as I typed she read. I had written something about my blog and she asked me about my blogs. Since we were talking about John Keats I asked her if she wanted to see my poetry blog. She did and got so excited at all the images I had on it. She loved every image, and I laughed. She told that she wanted to read every one of my poems, and my regular blog too. I asked her if she knew why I wrote this particular blog. She thought that I just wanted to, she is correct to a point. I explained to her that one reason I write this blog is for them. I write it so they can go back and connect things from their childhood.
I have had so much confusion wrapped around my childhood.
My mom and my dad’s life seemed to be separate and disconnected from me. I want these guys to know what was going on the summer that I was crying all the time. I want them to be able to see what I was working through. I want them to have the connections of the times I was so excited and happy. I want them to know how proud I am of them, and hopefully my words will show them how much I love them. I fall short and will fall short in expressing myself to them. I want to have these words on here because when they get older it will most likely feel too hard to talk to me, but they may be able to relate to my words on here. If they feel like reading it, they could read about similar fears, angers, anxieties, and see that I am not an overbearing, unknowing mom. It may take years, but at least one day they would know. 
Of course, I write this for other reasons as well, but I do hope that my children will find it a helpful source and connection to their life. It made me feel very happy that Ariel was interested in my writing. It was like she knew about it all along but had not connected why I write.
There is a really amusing thing about Ariel.
When she spends time with you she confesses. She talks and asks questions, and then confesses. She begins to confess everything she has ever done wrong, or gotten in trouble for. It is a very short list because she is only 7 years and she doesn’t really do things to get into trouble. Yesterday she brought up the time she threw action figures in yogurt, tossed them all over the boy’s room, and then said that Daniel did it. It was about two or three years ago.
Her confession: “I know this was a long time ago, but you remember when I put the action figures in the yogurt, and blamed it on Daniel? Yes, that was really wrong. I understand now that I was lying and I do not do that anymore. Well if I do I will tell the truth because if you tell the truth it’s better.”
I do not know why she feels the need to confess, she cannot lie at least for the time being.
She tries, but then throws her arms up and says something like: “Ok, that is a lie!” she then spills the truth. I can relate completely! I think I may be babbling here. Sorry. She wants me to read her Keats today. I am overjoyed to do so. The moments yesterday were all unexpected, and it felt very special. In one scene of the movie Fanny turned her room into a butterfly farm, Ariel looked at me and said: “I want a butterfly farm — I know you would love it!” She is correct, I would love a butterfly farm. Now I have to share Daniel’s unexpected moment. I am sure Joshua will give me one today because he is full of Batman Lego obsessive building this morning and something great always comes out of that. Or if I make him a treat he will tell me how he will: “Never leave me because I make the best food.” He is awesome.
The other night I asked Daniel if he was ever going to sleep alone.
He said: “No”. Basically he told me that he was going to find a replacement for me when he got older. At first it was a bald man that he was going to sleep with. I asked him about this bald man because I was very confused. He couldn’t tell me much, but he was a nice guy… like Mr. Clean I guess. Ok?? I asked him why it was a bald man and he said because I like bald guys. Ok?? We do not know any bald men around here. :-/ Then he shook his head and said: “No, when I grow up I will have a woman.” There is some transition in his mind from getting older to being a grown-up that I am not able to quite understand, but he thinks I do. Kids say the funniest things. I really am not sure what he means by all of it, but he went on to describe the woman for me. He said that she is his wife. His description: “She has longer hair than you, the color of daddy’s. She has brown eyes like you mommy. She is tall like daddy. She has a man’s voice.”
Um…a man’s voice?
I was confused so I asked him what he meant. He clarified: “She has a man’s voice because she is as tall as daddy.” It was hilarious. I decided to see if anything had changed last night and asked him the same questions in front of David. He said the same thing. He described his future “woman” the same way. We asked him what he was going to do with her and the most unexpected, sweetest words came out of him. He said: “Love her and play with her.” He then sighed a little happy sigh, and had a small smile on his face. I was not expecting that at all. He later told me again about how he likes bald men, I asked him why he likes bald men and he said: I just do, ok.” Ha ha ha I hadn’t noticed until then, but he always points to bald men on TV or out in public and says: “They are bald.” He has a different kind of like for bald men as he does for his future woman. (wife) I don’t know I wish the kids would write out a blog for me so I could connect all of their connections and understand what is going on in their thoughts.
Aww…good times.
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