Tag Archives: homeschool

11/8/12

Positive IEP Experience

I had not gone through the public school system before to obtain an IEP for Daniel. I was not sure, how things were going to go or if it would be a positive experience for us. After the assessments we had, I became a little concerned and cautious about what was going to happen. His IQ was determined to be very low – I found this surprising, but mostly I could not comprehend the huge difference between the psych eval and his everyday life and academics.

I do have to help him a great deal, but I do not do his work for him.

I make him responsible for his learning and completing his assignments. Some days I push to the point that is too far because I know he can do it. However, I also give him many breaks, give him the most accommodating working conditions as possible, listen to him when he says that he is done, and I gauge his stressors. I can tell the difference between him being unable to do anymore for the day and when he does not want to. Still the whole situation caused me to doubt myself a little bit. However, his teacher is AMAZING! She has worked with me from day one and has thought of ideas and strategies to try while we have been waiting for the IEP to be set in place.

The meeting involved five others and me.

The psychologist was very “gentle” with her words about Daniel’s abilities. She continued to say that she believed that Daniel did not test according to his actual abilities. This did ease my mind. It was very helpful that his teacher was in the meeting and had actual experience with communicating with Daniel. Overall, the meeting was much better than I could have hoped for. I felt that my input was respected. I felt as if everyone had taken Daniel and myself into consideration when determining his needs.

We went over all of the details of his assessments.

They asked me if I agreed or disagreed with what was shared. I felt that I was able to state my opinions and concerns. I did feel horrible for a moment though when I was asked what Daniel’s strengths were. I went blank. I could not think of what I wanted to say, what came out was “Science and Math.” Daniel was rubbing a stone against the tile floor and metal air vent at that particular time. It was hurting my ears very much. He was also walking in and out of the room asking me why I was on the phone. I guess I can take it easy on myself a little bit there – all of that was quite distracting AND I already have phone anxiety. :-)

I felt a lot of support from everyone.

There were several statements made by the psychologist about how Daniel would benefit from having a structured environment and many breaks. I explained how I am able to get Daniel to do school and all of the “structure” I implement to ensure that he is able to do his school. Many breaks are taken. Hence, his current success with completing most of his curriculum and achieving the grades he does. Some days it takes all day to get through two lessons other days we can get through six in much less time. I am not going to stay quiet about it, it takes A LOT of work to get him to focus, and do his schoolwork. Some days I feel like quitting other days like today, I want to shout off the rooftop how awesome teaching him at home is.

I must share.

This morning he actually completed his writing assignment without any arguments of outbursts. Later, he had his online class with reading help and for the first time he read for his teacher over the microphone! His teacher clapped, I clapped, and Daniel said, “I did a great job!” It was great, especially since, only five minutes prior he was refusing to go to class and was starting to escalate into a meltdown. I have been trying some new positive techniques and making sure that I follow through and stay consistent. We both have been benefiting from the change.

Back to the IEP.

I really do not have a whole lot to say about the actual meeting other than, it went very well. They followed through on everything in a timely manner and I am very happy with the results. The goals are all realistic though challenging. They are geared toward the areas I feel Daniel needs specific help in. They are keeping him on track for his high school diploma. He will not be going into special education classes. He will get extra time to complete his assignments. They have taken several other classes off his curriculum so we can focus on his core lessons.

Our main focus is helping him with his language arts and reading.

He comprehends so much more than he can verbalize and it makes it difficult to truly figure out what he knows. I am excited to receive the services to help him. In the past two years I have gotten exhausted and overwhelmed with several things in trying to help Daniel progress in areas. I knew I was at the point where I needed more help. I am so thankful to finally have all of these new resources to provide him with more tools to succeed and progress. I am looking forward to everything. He will have OT once a week, speech/language therapy twice a week, learning support once a week, and a social skills group once a week. I feel that I can gain just as much from these as he will.

I also feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders in that I am no longer doing this alone.

I now have people I can ask for help or direction. I think it will give Daniel more confidence and learn some independence.  One of my desires for Daniel is that he will become more self-reliant, currently he depends on me for everything. I know that I am at fault with this in some ways, but I have been the only one who understood him or knew how to help him. Others have a difficult time remembering or being “in-tune” to what he is experiencing or why he is experiencing it. It can be hard to discern at times, why Daniel does what he does, when he does it – I struggle too at times.

Enrolling into this virtual school has been one of the best things that I have done for the kids and I.

I love the structure and schedule to follow. I love that I am still heavily involved in their learning. I really like the fact that I am being held accountable and have guidelines, extra resources, other people to learn from, and can pull ideas from message boards and their teachers. For me it is fabulous. I think next year will go much smoother, but this year is looking pretty good. My experience with the teachers and with the IEP has been a positive experience. I am so happy that it has turned out this way because the last several years have been so frustrating and hopeless in many ways in trying to get services for him. I really needed something to give me a bit of hope with all of this. We have not started the therapies yet. We will see how everything works – I am always cautious!

However, I am pleased with all that has transpired thus far and I am very hopeful.

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10/19/12

Look At My Rocks!

Ha ha ha I do not know why, but after yesterday, I have been so excited to share my new rocks. I took the kids to a Native American Historical Site. It was one of my favorite places to go as a child. They have changed it a little since the last time I was there. Many of the items they brought inside making it more of an indoor museum. When I had gone, the huge land was covered with several replica homes and other historical areas to represent what it would have been like during that time around 1100 CE to 1450 CE.

When we arrived, I was overcome with wonderful memories. 

I felt the same sense of belonging I had felt as a child. It is one of my happy places for sure. It brought me great comfort and warmth. I enjoyed going through and sharing all of the information about the culture with the kids. I was surprised at how much I remembered. I do not think they were as interested as I was. Maybe when they are older?? I was so excited to take them to the back where it is a huge grassy area. They had a couple of the replicas still up, but I found out that someone was trying to burn them down several years ago so they moved things inside and had to destroy what remained of the huts.

I find that to be a repulsive act. 

Why would anyone do that? Oh, well. When the kids and I got out there the winds was raging. It was cold, but it was so much fun to be tossed by the wind. We all got to the grass and ran and ran. I felt like little Angel out there. I really forgot myself! The kids and I had a blast running and walking the trails. They all three saw a wonderful grassy hill and decided that they had to do this scene from Princess Bride. It is one of my favorite scenes in the movie besides this one.

They all rolled down the hill yelling, “As yooooouuuuuuu wiiiiiiissssssshhhhhhh.” 

I laughed so hard. We walked around the trails, discovering deer tracks, rocks, and plants. I took a gazillion pictures. It was so fun. I am glad they enjoyed it as much me. We went into the gift shop and Daniel picked out a necklace with a green rock. He asked, “Can I have this mom? I really want to get this.” He never asks for things like that so I said yes. Each of them picked out a necklace. Then, I saw the bin of rocks! What is so funny is that the other day I was rubbing my purple shiny rock, thinking, “I wish I could find a place that had a whole bunch of rocks so I could get more.” I used to have a collection, but I lost them in one of our several moves.

I was ecstatic when I saw them shimmering. 

They were right next to a giant window and glistened from the sun. We all had hands rummaging through the rocks feeling the cool smoothness of them. I think I could have stayed there all day running my fingers through the rocks -searching for the best rock in the world. :-)  I ended up buying two small bags of rocks. Daniel found one big green one and was happy with that. Joshua found several blue ones, Ariel and I picked out a variety. She and Joshua have them already hidden away so no one can get them. In the last, few days I gained a couple of treasures that make me smile. My rocks, a stuffed Luna cat from Sailor Moon, and The Tale of Genji.

I love days like yesterday. 

I really love it when I am reminded of good childhood memories. They mean so much to be able to share them with my kids. When we came home, Ariel insisted that she now wants to live like our native ancestors “Because we have their blood in us and we should know what it is like.”  Joshua and Ariel changed their clothes to the best of their ability to fit the image and all three of them turned Joshua’s room into their village. She has asked me to locate movies about them and find things that will give her their history. I had better go work on that. My mom would laugh so hard if she heard her I am certain my mom heard the same things coming from me.

Picture time! (I know it is a ridiculous amount. I cannot help it!)

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10/15/12

Hmm… How Do I Feel About This?

Today I received the “Notice of Initial Findings and Proposed Action” form that I needed to sign and send back in for our scheduled conference meeting about Daniel’s IEP. When I read the first sentence, I was all like “Whaaaaaat?” That is my street talk. Forgive me I am quite silly today. Seriously, I was shocked at what I read and I could feel the anger surging through my veins. Here is what set me off.

“Daniel is functioning in the extremely low range of intelligence.”

Huh? I agreed with several things such as his non-verbal reasoning skills are much higher. He has difficulty processing information WHEN he is sitting in the middle of a library with blinking florescent lights, people talking, huge windows where he can see every car drive by because we are facing a main road at a stoplight, a man is sitting right behind him who moves his chair makes noise, and is breathing. Oh, and the doctor is asking questions as if she is speaking to a 45-year-old person… just a few things that could possibly cause him to not be able to take a proper assessment.

There was more on there that quickly offended me.

On the day of his psyche evaluation, I asked her if we could go into to a conference room, or one of the quiet rooms. She said it would be fine out there. I do not know if that was on purpose or not. She evaluated Daniel in an environment that triggered some of his highest levels of sensory stimulation. She observed him in a new social setting and he did not know her. He had anxiety about the whole situation. I later discovered that he had predicted that it was going to be like all of his other evaluations – it was not. I tried to prepare him as much as I could, but I did not know what to expect either. When I read it, I finally understood why the OT said what she did to me. I did not understand why she was surprised at how well Daniel listened and followed her directions. She was amazed that he only needed one break.

She said, “I did not know what to expect or how I would get him to do anything after reading his eval.”

I looked at her in confusion, but quickly shook it off thinking I had misunderstood her or something. After reading it today, I completely understand. She was under the impression that he was completely non-verbal and had the IQ of a chicken. Ok, maybe not a chicken, (I mean no offense toward chickens I am sure they are highly intelligent beings.) but it all made sense to me why she also said at the beginning of his testing, “We handle all ranges here of ASD from non-verbal and seriously developmentally delayed to high-functioning geniuses.” and “I do not know how far we will get, but we will try.”

I found all of these statements odd.

However, what did I do? I got confused and did not have the words to express what I was thinking. I assumed that there must have been something wrong with how I was interpreting her. I am very glad that we will be doing his therapy virtually because the more I have processed all of the things she said to me the more I feel uncomfortable with her. She asked me if my other children were on the spectrum. I told her that they have definite traits, but they have not been diagnosed, yet. (This may be happening in the near future.) She asked about Ariel because she is Daniel’s twin. I shared with her that she does have sensory issues and social issues, but she is highly intelligent. I also told her that she can normally articulate what she feels and is very direct.

She said, “Oh, she is Aspergers?”

In a tone that made me feel hurt and angry. Then, she proceeded to tell me about another woman in the office who has a daughter with Aspergers. “She is a genus, I mean a GENUS, but uhhh, she is so socially inappropriate. I mean she says the most appropriate things!” (Insert her eye roll) Later, she introduced me to the woman and said to her, “Her daughter has Aspergers too.” They gave each other a look and the woman looked down at her desk, nodded her, and sighed. Obviously, I was under too much sensory and social stress and had too much to process to try to understand all of this stuff until today.

She also asked me at one point, “Do you have your degree in education?”

I knew that several of her comments offended me, somehow, even though I was not exactly sure how. This question came right after she had made the Aspergers comment about Ariel and the woman’s daughter. I promptly answered her, with eye contact even and said, “No, I am just an obsessive learner.” My way of getting back at her the best I could under the circumstances. :-) We saw her again today when we met with the Speech Pathologist for his evaluation. My gut feelings were confirmed we are not a good fit with her. The Speech Pathologist was great and Daniel again did a remarkable job.

He did not need any breaks and he soared through the evaluation.

We were in a quiet room in the back that did not have any odd sounds and the fluorescent lights were covered to ease the blinking, fuzzy, attacking vibes that they give off.  I was happy about that – I hate fluorescent lights they invade my particles. Now that I processed all of that, I will explain what bothered about the “functioning in the extremely low range of intelligence” statement. I would not have a problem if this was true, but it is not. The thing that bothers me is that it is inconsistent with his schoolwork. If it were only me gauging his work or his everyday intelligence I would be less disturbed, but Daniel is at a 94% average for all of his classes.

He is struggling in Language Arts mainly with writing assignments.

However, he understands his work and he puts in a lot of work to get his assignments done. He loves it when he gets 100% on something, he also understands that when he misses some questions that it is ok. He comprehends his work my biggest issue is that he is completely dependent upon me. I have been forcing to him to work on assignments alone. He does refuse to read large amounts of words such as paragraphs or his lessons. I know he can read some things though. Today on one of his quizzes he had to sound out and read the words “people, bought, and probably.” He did it, he struggled with bought, but he did it on his own.

It concerns me because of it being so inconsistent.

There is no middle here. At home when doing school he is doing extremely well, but according to the psychologist, he is in the extremely low range of intelligence. I find that bothersome and in a way, I feel as if I need to defend him. I know that I do not though. His teacher has had several phones meetings with him. She knows that he comprehends the work and that he can do the work. He does need help and if what is written on the evaluation will help him get everything he needs to succeed I do not care. The inconsistency still bothers me very much. It is not settling well in my mind. I hope that writing this out will help me let it go.

I am so proud of how hard Daniel has been working.

He has been working on trying to be more positive with school. He has been working very hard at learning how to calm himself down. He has been working hard at trying to be creative with Lego’s. He has tried to be more interactive with Ariel and Joshua and making his desires more clear. He has been expressing when he does not understand something instead of getting upset. This is all in the last months where he has been the one initiating all of this. There have been no prompts from me. Also, he has been going through all of these evaluations without complaining and trying to do his best.  I am happy that he feels proud and happy for himself. He is becoming more independent and letting more of himself come out and that is pure awesomeness!

I do know how I feel about that – I am one proud and happy mama. :-D

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09/27/12

A Bit Of Jibberjabber & Knickknackery

Knickknackery! That is my favorite word for the day! Both jibberjabber & knickknackery are quite fun to say, especially together repeatedly… It makes me feel as if I will float off on a magical mysterious red balloon that appears out of nowhere – it is giggling with a bunch of trailing bubbles. Oh, yes! Welcome to my oddity of mind today. Sometimes I am too serious and I have to jolt myself right out of it before I head straight to the Cliffs of Insanity!

This post is nothing more than a bunch of rambling mishmosh. 

However, in the midst of such musing is always some helpful or exciting information, possibly a smidgen of seriousness… So first thing, my head is soaring, today was not the smooth flowing school day I had envisioned in my mind when I awoke at 6:11 am. No, no some cranky kiddies and several online classes made for an adventurous day. Ariel and Daniel are still recovering. Ariel from her sickness (she is much better only a little stuffy nosed) and Daniel is doing amazingly well considering he had such a horrible accident. His gums are looking well and his lip is not as swollen – he did demand that I pull out his second baby tooth that was loose.

That makes two baby teeth he lost this week. 

Fell face first onto the floor, lost two baby teeth, created a whole new country with Lego’s for a school assignment, and is anxiously awaiting his evaluation tomorrow, all in all, he is doing remarkable! He named his country Craziness Place (“Craziness because it is all pretend.”) where the high mountains are slow, the hills are named hills, the ground moves, Piglets and only one Pooh reside, they eat a little honey, they fish all day, and it is hot and cold a lot of the time. Ariel’s country is Izanhoe, where there is very little water, Christmas Pines fill the land, people wear shoes and gloves that curl, there are long legged giraffes, and elephants with trunks as big as a giraffe’s neck, the mountains are named Hikes, all of the lakes are named Fresh because they are fresh and they are filled with dragons.

Joshua did not have to do that assignment. 

He did create a grand pyramid and a big huge “weeds place” (some sort of plant) out of Lego’s. I have pictures! You know it. Hee hee What exciting things have been amusing the kiddies while they were feeling a bit under the weather? Well, for fun they have been using these awesome apps! Dragon Box, Mathemagics – Mental Math Tricks, and Mathemagics – Easy Algebra Fast. (No kickbacks here, I just love to share.) Here is a nice bit of information DragonBox: Algebra Beats Angry Birds. 

I do love when my current loops ties into awesome things for the kids. 

I am somewhat obsessed with numbers and things of the universe at the moment. Big Surprise! Oh, look at this! Stars and Dust Across Corona Australis  Awesome! Oh, boy I am not sure if my post sounds as rapid fire as my brain does at the moment so far I have written up to this point in less than 15 minutes if that gives you any clue to what brain is doing to me right now. AND I have not even had any coffee or any sort of caffeine.

Stop, deep breath…

I do believe this is a bit of anxious jitters about tomorrow and the weather is making feel so weird. I mean really weird, all fuzzy and seeing colors and squigglies all over the place. It has heightened my synesthesia or something. I have not taken any medicine; I do not drink, or use any other substance so I have nothing to blame it on.

Except my brain! :-)  

All right, I have some serious things that were floating about in my brain, but quite frankly I do not want to think about it. They are just ramblings of things I have been processing, mainly the questions that I continue to put off for my psychologist. I guess I will share a moment of seriousness to get it out of my head. A friend of mine sent me their ASD checklist. I decided that I did not want to look at what they wrote at all. I wanted to test myself and see how I answered the questioned based solely on my own thoughts. As I went down all of the questions I started to feel a rush of emotions.

I am not even sure what they were. 

It got to the point where I thought, “This would be easier to try to pick out what I do not do!” It was in that moment where any last bit of doubt I had about me being on the autism spectrum was diminished. I was not sure how I felt. It was not a bad thing, but it did not feel good either. I am not sure if I make any sense. The flood of thoughts came over me and for a moment, I was really ticked off. I thought, “All of you mean, manipulating, abusive, selfish jerks! How would you feel now if you knew you messed with a socially handicapped person?! AND some of you are still screwing with me, but because I “look and act” so normal you would never believe that I don’t know what the heck you are doing or saying!”

I sighed a very deep and long sigh. 

I stopped filling out my paperwork and reading the questions. I decided that I need to really deal with the fact that I have not accepted fully many things about myself. I say it with my words my mind and heart have not come into agreement. I do not know why – I do think it is a hard thing and something that people will have to work through in their own time.

It does not mean I have been trying to deny anything; it is just a lot to take in.

It makes your past look so different and the world opens up in a completely new way. The realization that I have not allowed myself to do and act in ways that are natural to me is a lot to process. Then, comes the fear of allowing myself to be natural and reliving all of the emotional trauma and pains from the past flood my mind for the times that I did allow myself to flow naturally and the repercussions that it brought. In actuality, I forgot to put on my emotional protective gear around others those times, or I was so naive that I did not know any better. It is a lot, it is good, it will all mesh at some point, and these emotions will find their proper place. (I know that I am speaking in past and present terms, but they are simultaneously flashing in my head.)

When I write some of the stuff out that I am processing, it seems like a lot. 

I do not feel that way, with all of the things that I have been talking about they seem to connect and feel like one linear link that in the end will loop into another section of progress. I had a friend email me and say that they did not want to be a nuisance because I was going through so much. I thought about her words and realized that is when I need to hear from people who love me the most. (Or even people who like me… just a little.  hee hee) I told her that it helps keep me emotionally balanced, even if she is sharing the tough things that she is going through. It helps me to know that people are there and it helps me to think of others because I can so easily fall into a dark spiral. If I do not hear from people  that I care about or share some communication with I can fall into negative and confusing thinking patterns about the relationship. See I am rambling and babbling… I think I will finish with that.

Because! I have to share Ariel’s awesome tale of the moon.

As well, as pictures of what the kids did. Pictures make me feel all happity. The Space Chronicles is what she has started while she has been feeling sickly. This particular story is about the moon. She also created picture stories about some dragons, gave details as to how HIV infects people, and created a diagram of a dissected body. No worries it is not extremely detailed, but it is pretty cool. (The balloon picture is stuck in there, oh well I like it.)

One day the Moon saw the planets and he wanted color too. He saw Mercury and she told Earth that she did not want to date him. So Moon went and bought some color because he really liked Mercury. He got all colored up and Mercury liked him very much, but she did not like his hair. Moon decided to go get color and color his hair green and yellow. Mercury really liked him then and they got married and had a baby. ~ By Ariel

That is all she has right now, but she says there is a lot more to the story. :-)  

 

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09/19/12

Wowzers! (I Wrote This Last Night)

There is so much going on around here. I am feeling myself teetering into a sad type of loop. I am trying to steer it into another direction. I am pretty sure it is because I have been doing so much and have not had any breaks or alone time. Well, undisturbed alone time – it continues to be interrupted every time I try. (Oh, I did cave and eat a couple pieces of pizza, maybe the gluten is messing with me.) I am so, so happy about all of the social opportunities for the kids around here though. The kids and I have been going to many different places. I am very happy that the cost is either free or at least reasonable. This keeps me distracted from sad loops… for a little while. :-)

Where we used to live there was nothing for miles, and miles or the cost was outrageous.

I wanted to take the kids to a corn maze for several years, but it would have cost over $60 and it was about 45 minutes away. Just to go through a corn maze and look at some pumpkins! I am not kidding. Here they have a corn maze right down the street at the Native American museum. I would beg my mom and grandma to take me to it practically every day when I was a child. It is named after me. (Not really, but it does have part of my name.) Ha ha ha I have a kinship to the place. Even as a child it was one of those places that made me feel a sense of belonging. Those places are rare for me – places where I have a sense of belonging. Anyway, the museum is not only an awesome place, has a corn maze for the fall, but is only $5 (each) for the museum and the corn maze.

In addition, they get to do a craft and learn about Mississippian culture, love! :-)

The museums around here have several different things going on as well and they are reasonably priced or even free for some events. There is going to be an animal benefit and music festival this weekend. It is affordable as well, if we feel like going. And guess what? I saved the best for last. Yesterday when I went to get my library card, I discovered that they have a Lego group every Tuesday afternoon. Aaaa! I cannot tell you how happy I am about all of this. Joshua lit up with the biggest smile and jumped up and down so excited when I told him. There is also several library branches, real libraries! Oh, my how I have missed the library ever so…

I took all three of them to Lego group today.

They had a fantastic time and so did I. They were asked to come up with their own idea or to use Neil Armstrong as an inspiration. They all three decided to build a house. I am not sure why, but as they built I read them a book about the moon landing. At the end, the leader asked if the kids wanted to share about what they built. All three of them did. They watched and listened to the other kids and we all ood and awed with excitement at the creations. It made me smile to see them get so excited and tell other kids what a great job they did. They were quite the encouragers.

Daniel raised his hand and shared about his house!

He has never done that before. He did not get frustrated or upset when he could not get the words out. He continued to try to say what he meant, I helped him a little to find his words, and he was able to get them out. Not only that, but everyone understood him. For clarification, his language development is delayed, for a long period of time I was the only one who could understand him. In the past year, it has become easier for David, Ariel, and Joshua, my mom, but still I have been the translator. In recent months, he has been able to communicate with people besides us. I think it has helped him gain confidence speaking to his teacher on the phone. Another component is being exposed to several more family members on a regular basis who have been trying to engage communication with him.

I also think that it has helped him being around other children at the park and other places we have been going. 

He was so proud of himself and had no anxiety about it at all. When we got into the car Ariel said, “I normally do not do that. I am supposed to be shy.” I asked her, “Why do you think you are supposed to be shy?” She said, “I usually am so I am supposed to be, but lately I have felt like talking a lot so maybe I am not so much anymore.” I told her that I tend to be shy and talkative a lot of the time. Sometimes I have no words whatsoever and other days they will not stop coming out of my mouth. :-) When we got home, there was a minor meltdown from Joshua, Daniel and then, myself. I think we were all tired from trying to do school. I had to take it a little easy with school today.

 We were all in need of a lighter lesson load today. 

We have been working on their individualized plan tests, as well as their end of unit tests, and regular lessons. I think that is quite a bit. I also am feeling a bit stressed from all of the phone calls I have been making and appointments I have had scheduled. I have scheduled my first appointment with a psychologist to begin my autism spectrum assessment. (Or whatever she feels; I may need to be assessed for. :-) ) She has “over fifteen years experience working with Autistic, Asperger’s Disorder” (adults) that makes me a little hopeful, we’ll see how everything goes.

I may be asking some of you questions be prepared!

My first appointment is set for the middle of October. Daniel starts his round of evaluations for school next Friday. I am also scheduling my doctor’s appointment for an OB/GYN. I cannot wait any longer, something is wrong and I do not know if it serious or not. I tend to forget about my physical ailments and focus on everyone else. However, it is getting to the point to where even I cannot ignore it.  So… I should have that scheduled by tomorrow. Yippie! (I am being sarcastic.)

All right, I had to share those tidbits of awesomeness, just because. Pictures! 

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09/16/12

Fantabulous Stuff!

My personal progress has been quite a surprise to me lately. I have managed to learn how to deal with my anxiety issues in ways that are more positive. I honestly never thought it was possible. I have been able to identify some of my emotions, not only sooner, but with more clarity as well. It has helped a great deal for me to pour them into writing. I have been writing my feelings, dissecting conversations, and writing down things that other people say to me immediately if the words do not feel right, or confuse me. I have found that by doing this I am able to make it clear in my mind that their emotions and how they respond to me are not my responsibility.

I do my part at being respectful and try to gain clarification.

Since I started writing it down or stating plainly that I do not understand their frustrations or upset with me, I have been calmer, able to articulate what I need to, and I have not been burdened with unnecessary guilt. I still have my moments, but they do not send me into depressive spirals, fears, shame, guilt, or cause me to carry the emotional burdens of everyone in the world. My brain is finding its calm much sooner and I find myself more accepting of myself. I am happy about this progress.

I am also SO excited and happy about the timer we have been using!

I wrote on Thursday that I was going to try the new timer. I had not thought of it because in the past the timer thing turned into a negative. However, the timers that I used were too distracting and caused ”unpredictable sound” anxiety. Even if Daniel knows what kind of sound something makes, such as the dryer buzzer, other timers, or the oven timer he is full of anxiety until it goes off.

He will ask all sorts of questions.

Many that sound like this, “When is it going to go off? What will it sound like? Why does it sound that way? Why does it have to make a sound? Why is it ticking? How long is 10 minutes?” Then, he will ask several questions after it does go off with always adding, “Mom can you not do that?” Therefore, I had no hope in ever using a timer. However, there seems to be one that works!

 

It is the Learning Resources Time Tracker Mini.

This one is working because you can control the sound. Daniel likes the lights and he likes that we can place it on a time limit warning, that blinks yellow. He is able to predict a little better how much time he has left. I am allowing him to be in control of the timer. He has set the times for his lessons. He sets each lesson for ten minutes and what he has learned is that ten minutes is not enough. Amazingly, he has decided each time to add additional ten minutes when he has not completed his lesson.

He completed all of his lessons Thursday and Friday.

He asked for his timer and requested it to do his lessons. I have been able to do Ariel and Daniel’s core lessons together, which has not gone smoothly at all since we started. I was able to leave Ariel and Daniel to complete several of their lessons while working with Joshua individually on some of his. It has been fantastic! Daniel and Ariel both reviewed spelling words, and went over some of their curriculum on Friday with their teacher. I spoke to her about their individualized plans as well.

All of us were on the phone for quite awhile.

I was also on the phone setting up Daniel’s evaluations for his IEP. I need to add here that it is very distracting and can be upsetting to Daniel if I am on the phone at times. It was amazing that with everything going on and all that he accomplished on Thursday then, talking on the phone with his teacher, he was still ready and happy to do school. He read an entire page of his story for a language arts assessment that was recorded. He has refused to try to read most of the time, but has been completely unbudging when I have asked him to try to read and record himself.

I was shocked that he actually did it.

He also attempted to copy three sentences from his writing lesson on his own. I told him he had to do his writing lesson; he set his timer, and said, “Ok, now I will do my writing lesson.” He was a little upset when he ran out of room, but I explained to him that happens to me all the time and to other people too. I told him it was ok, still he almost quit. I said, “Daniel you still have this page to finish. Will you come finish it?” He was reluctant, but asked for a shower after school so I said he could have a ten-minute shower after he completed all of his lessons.

He agreed, reset his timer, and completed it along with the rest of his lessons too.

Showers or baths have been a huge issue. He normally wants to takes showers or baths for hours upon hours. It has caused meltdowns in the past. He has NEVER agreed to get out within 10 minutes. Not only did he agree, but also he did it. He has continued to do it every day. Yay! He asks to get his timer, he sets it, turns the shower on himself, and gets out on his own. I normally have to turn on the shower, turn off the shower, get him out, dry him off, etc…

Ariel and Joshua were not feeling overwhelmed the last several days.

They were happy to have so much of my attention individually. I really hope this continues to work. Daniel is quite fickle. This is working magically today, but who knows what will happen by Monday. I want to stay hopeful and I will. I will also be prepared if it does not work at some point. At least, we had two wonderful fun packed school days full of amazing progress! He has been telling me that he is happy to do school now because he has his timer. He also informed me that he is a big boy who can do many things on his own. Such as, “Get my timer and set it. Put on my own clothes. Do my school work.”  All of this is awesome, but there is more! (For tomorrow.) We also went to kids church last night, but we had a nice people/school free day today.

He is still doing well and has not become overloaded, I hope he is still enthused tomorrow. :-)  

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09/13/12

Oh! That’s What’s Wrong…

Yesterday became an overwhelming mess. It started going smoothly, Daniel was all geared up for doing school, but he had it in his mind that after one lesson we would all be done and go to the pet store. Um, no. He struggles very much with time, and gets frustrated because I am unable to give him a specific length of time for each lesson. I am changing that today. We got a timer that I will be using for each lesson now. I made that decision just now. Ha ha ha I had not thought of it until this moment. I will set it and once it lights up, that is it whether we are finished or not.

Back to yesterday.

This moment of frustration caused a morning of derailment. I was awaiting a phone call from Joshua’s teacher to go over his individual learning style and missed the call. That sent me into an anxiety ridden feeling because we then had to reschedule. (Remember I do have phone anxiety, even though it is getting better – it in not gone!) I called her back and emailed her. I was now completely derailed and frustrated – my perfect day that I had planned in my head was ruined. :-/ Thankfully, she called back right away and we were able to go over everything. Good news, Joshua is already improving. Yay!

Let’s see if I can make this quick.

I am trying to bring peace to my mind and writing all of this out will help. Daniel and Ariel had a writing assignment that was due on Monday. I have been working with Ariel since last Friday trying to help her write her thoughts on paper and come up with her own sentences. Daniel refused and refused, I told him that it had to be done, and I needed him to at least try.  Finally, on Tuesday I came up with the pet store as an incentive. Still yesterday, was just awful. I have no other words for it. He wrote one sentence and then, lost it. I know that it took a lot for him, but I also know that he flat out did not want to do it and tried to upset all of us and our schooling for the day. I was so frustrated because it affected Ariel and Joshua until they were so overwhelmed that they could not do school.

Though they tried very hard and pressed through completing their lessons after a break.

I helped Daniel as much as possible, but I knew that he was not having an uncontrollable meltdown. In a way, it was good. He was using tactics that other children use at a much younger age. He would get upset and then, stop to see if I was looking. I would tell him that he needed to stop because Ariel and Joshua needed quiet and calm to concentrate for school. He would get really loud, and then look at me to see what I was going to do. I ignored the behavior at that point. I was too tired and at my wits end. After, about half an hour he just stopped and said, “Ok, I want to finish my sentences now.” He wrote a couple more, but was unable to do the whole assignment.

So that was all good.

Except the rest of us were drained of energy. We were able to bounce back. :-) We got the lessons completed and headed off to the pet store. We ended up going to two different ones. I was so sad at the exotic pet store. It smelled horrible, the cages were filthy, the animals looked sad, and I swear all of them were talking to me. I wish I could save them all. I may call someone about that place. The poor birds are living in cages coated in bird poo, and rust. Aaack! I am going to cry. Focus. We went to Petsmart too, and it was a huge difference in cleanliness and smell. Although, I do not think those animals are happy either. I REALLY want a bearded dragon!

Oops. Focus.

While we were over looking at the cats, the woman handling the paperwork for the shelter was there with her two kids. She was ignoring the kids who were about the same age as mine. Her little girl went in and tried to get a cat out of a pet caddy, her brother came in and hit her, and the mom went in and started yelling at the girl in a very harsh manner. She then, yanked the boy by his arm, forcing him to sit down on some ladder thing and then told him not to move. (In a very aggressive tone.) I stood there in shock. I looked at my guys and could tell that Joshua was very upset. Ariel had a poker face, but I was not sure if Daniel had heard or seen anything.

I did not want to leave those kids.

I stood there for a few minutes to make sure those kids were safe, and then walked away with my kids. When we got to a place that was quiet and away, I talked to them about it. Joshua was almost in tears saying, “I saw the brother hit his sister and the mom yelled at them meanly.” We discussed how some parents are different and handle things in ways that we do not. I asked Ariel if she was upset, she did not want to talk about it, but said, “Yes, it upset me. Can we please go look at the frogs again? I want a fire belly frog!” Daniel was too focused on something else.

I saw them again in the parking lot.

I was taking some pictures of clouds before we headed home. The mom was yelling at them while on the phone and I watched her push the kids in the car. I did not know what to do. I questioned whether I was overly sensitive. I did not feel any immediate danger, but pure meanness. (I lost my words, I think it was because of everything that happened earlier and not knowing what to say as well.) It seemed as if the mom had no filter, normally people have some sort of filter in public. If that was her filtered, I worry for those kids. I am still upset about that and it made me ponder over my behavior lately. I asked the kids if I have been grumpy or mean lately. They said that I was grumpy sometimes. :-)  I have felt so irritable and cranky the last few days. A couple of hours can feel like years so I never know how long I am actually acting or feeling a certain way.

If it is more than a day, I think that it has been at least several months.

No sense of time. I have been cranky this week. I figured out what it is. I have been socializing, and going out since last Wednesday. I have either been on the phone everyday or taking the kids places. I talked to my other aunt on the phone who I have not spoken with since the going away party for my cousin. She is having a baby shower for my other cousin in a month. Another social event. I have been on the phone with both of the kids teachers. Today they start their individualized testing for math and reading to help gear their learning plans toward their specific needs. All three of them have online classes today. Daniel has two reading classes, which he has already stated he is only doing one.

We will see.

They need to continue the regular lesson plan. In addition, they must be in attendance tomorrow and have all of their assignments completed. Now, I cannot recall at the moment, but I think we have some time with the tests. I will look in a moment. The issue is not that. The issue is this is a lot of things for my brain to process. As well as take care of the house, answer text/voice mail messages, prepare meals, snacks, prepare lessons, work on specific reading needs for Joshua and Daniel, try to help all three of them with dysgraphia, and be a mom helping their needs. Trying to keep peace in the household, etc… I am not saying that I have more than other mothers do, no; not at all, what I am saying is my brain is full.

I am rather tired.

I did not know why I was feeling irritable and tired when I have been getting enough sleep. Maybe other mom’s can handle all of this stuff with ease, but this mom… well I cannot and I admit it.  Coming full circle here, the title is wrong. My mind had the negative thinking pattern that something is wrong with me. I am not good enough. I should be able to do all of this and not get tired or irritable. Other mothers do this and even have more! What is wrong with me? There is nothing wrong me; I am accepting that I have limitations. I am reminding myself because I so easily forget.

My limitations are ok to admit, feel, and confess it does not mean that I am weak or incapable. (I am human.)

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08/23/12

School Stuff & A New Book

It is dizzy in here. We have been working so hard and trying to get a flow. My energy is being zapped away doing about five to six hours of school straight each day. I normally did not have a schedule like that for school. We were much more lax and free-spirited. However, I felt like with the move that we needed to get in a more structured routine. It is helping, though there is some resistance – anything new there is resistance.

This week is better because we are more comfortable with the curriculum.

I am also not as anal as I was last week feeling that we MUST complete every single assignment. We do not and I am thankful for that because it was an overwhelming. I was starting to get too discouraged. This Monday went fairly well, Tuesday did not. It was a hard day Daniel had a rough time and would not allow anyone else to work on school either. He would get upset if I tried to work with Ariel and Joshua. He started out fine and ready to go, but Ariel had touched his counting block things, and then the keyboard when he was listening to a lesson – that was it.

He continued to ask her why she did it, and she had no answer.

He could not bounce back, he had accomplished so much the day before that I think he needed to wait and do school a little later. He always wants to participate even if he does not want to do it – he feels left out if I explain to him that I will do it with him a little later. We are still feeling this entire out. He did another amazing job yesterday and completed a writing assignment for his portfolio to be graded. It was a challenge, but he did it. He wrote out four sentences on his own and was so happy after he finished.

He clapped saying, “I did it! I did it!”

It was the assignment that I had him type out before. The teacher said she could not accept it – the rules are that they are written out. He told me last week, and Monday when I told him that he was going to have to write it that, “It will take too long.” After he wrote his first sentence he said, “That was not too long.” When he completed all of them he said, “That was quicker.” I hope that he will remember. :-) Ariel and Joshua are doing so well, as long as the day is not too disrupted. If there are too many distractions or upsets, they cannot focus. It has proven to be a challenge to keep everyone going when Daniel is frustrated. Yesterday was rough in the beginning.

However, yesterday we were able to bounce back and get right back into it.

Part of the issue in this house is that Daniel does not have a room with a door. His room is open and we have to walk through it to get to the other rooms. He has no place to get quiet. I decided to put him in Joshua’s room and shut the door. I told him to take a break. He was upset at first because I put him in the room, but I explained to him that I was trying to give him quiet so he could relax and not hear us. I was also trying something else because putting him in his room has not been working and he started breaking his toys. Then, he got upset after he broke his toys.

I had a feeling that he would not try to break Joshua’s toys.

He does not normally want to mess with (break) anyone else’s things because it makes him sad. It worked he was quiet rather quickly. I went in to check on him and he giggled. He said that he wanted to try school again so we tried again. We were able to catch up on many of his lessons. Ariel and Joshua were able to regroup and it worked out. It can take a lot of energy to work through lessons around here.

For instance, here is an example of our conversations that takes place for every math problem:

Me: There are 5 balls on the beach. 4 balls bounce away. How many balls are on the beach now?

Daniel: Why are the balls on the beach?

Me: It is a math problem Daniel; they are using it as an example to help you do the math problem.

Daniel: Why are the balls on the beach? How did they bounce away?

Me: I do not know why they are on the beach. Ok, wait there were 5 balls on the beach because there were kids on the beach that were playing with them. While they were playing 4 of them bounced away. How many balls do they have now?

Daniel: What were they playing? Who were the kids on the beach? Why did they bounce their balls away?

Yes, for each story problem we do I have to come up with a reason for the objects in the story.

I am starting to get better with it – giving more acceptable math problems. :-) We have similar conversations for each subject. My brain was all kinds of fuzzy. I have been in an odd mood for a couple of days now. I have had poems come out of me that I am not quite sure about. I can feel myself teetering on downward spiraling thoughts. It has been triggered by a dream.

My mind is looping I think because of all of this other stuff.

I will have to take some time later today and write things out so I do not fall into this sadness that I am feeling. I really wish my mind did not automatically go into negative trails. I do not want to lose all that has been accomplished this week or last week. I do not want to feel like I am failing. I do not want to have these other thoughts either that are flooding my mind, but I am. I am having them and I need to deal with them.

A new book arrived in the mail this week as well.

It is perfect timing. I purchased it off half.com, but they have it on Amazon Asperger’s Syndrome and Mindfulness: Taking Refuge in the Buddha and you can look inside to check it out. It has taken me two days to read the first three pages of chapter one – not because I am having a hard time reading, but because I am soaking it in. It is exactly what I need right now. I cannot explain how beneficial mindfulness is to my brain.

I will go into more detail in another post.

I did want to mention the book though because it is helping me to keep focus, and not fall down negative paths. I also noticed something else when I received the book. This is the first time that I have tried an approach dealing with my thoughts, and trying to help myself where I have not gotten obsessive about the “method” (philosophy, religion, etc…) that I am using. I have not stripped myself of all “past” identity and adopted a new one. I have not gone after everything that has to do with Buddhism or mindfulness from a psychological point of view, adopting the mindset that this is it and now I have to become this to not be broken anymore. I am learning and applying without becoming a shell of myself, or a mirror of someone else.

Mindfulness thus far has proven to work very well with my brain… I am still working on meditation. :-)

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08/15/12

Third Day Of School…

Alright, so… I am feeling some negative thoughts invading: Stop-Drop-Roll onto the blogosphere! Many good things are happening it seems that I am having a hard time seeing them. There are so many positives that I do not want them to be bombarded by faulty thinking that has to do with my anxieties and perfectionism. We started our virtual school on Monday. The day was already disrupted because we had to go to the airport at 9 am and were unable to start the schedule I had planned. Good news Daniel got in the car with little apprehension, however, Joshua ended up being the one who almost lost it.

I did lose it.

Not on him, or anyone else for that matter. What happened was when I left the airport heading back home the highway was filled with semi-trucks. I could not get in the lane that I needed to because no one would let me over and it was difficult to see since it was raining and huge trucks were in the way. I missed my planned exit. When that happened by mere coincidence Joshua had hit his max in the car and started to ask repeatedly when we would be home. I lost all sense of direction. I knew exactly where I was at and which way I needed to go, but I did not at the same time.

I could not comprehend which road I should turn on.

I got completely confused, and panicked. I made a turn off to the interstate and I knew where I was, though nothing made sense. I ended up making a complete circle and finally forced myself to turn onto a road, in the direction I felt like was the right way. I was hyperventilating and trying to control my breathing. I was all frazzled and freaked out because I could not make my brain comprehend where I was.

It is very difficult to explain.

It felt like I was two people in my brain, both confused, but one knowing exactly where they were and which way to go. However, completely unable to comprehend the surroundings and feeling as if everything was different even though it was the same, while the other person was in full-blown panic attack leading into a meltdown. Unable to hear, see, understand anything. Until, I made it to some major landmarks that helped give me confidence that I was going in the right direction.

Thankfully, I was not too bad – having the kids always keeps me in check and able to calm quicker.

We got home with no problems and just in time for Joshua’s belly and head. (He was having nausea.) We were supposed to start school right away, um, yeah… that didn’t happen. We took a break and I went to look at their assignments and schedule. It was a heavy workload, but we managed to get in 5 hours. Daniel’s was 5 hours of me trying to get him to try school. We did the work without completing the written assignments. Overall a good day considering, there were a few “rough” patches with him.

Ariel and Joshua were exhausted from all of the writing.

It drains them to write in those workbooks – it takes a lot of energy. I have always had problems with writing all three of the kids do too. Give us keyboards! Yesterday was horrible for several hours. I concluded at one point that there is no way I can teach Daniel and he is going to have to go to public school. I was mentally and physically ready to give up. In my desperation, I sat on the couch with Daniel and told him that I will not be able to do school at home with him if he continues to refuse, and is aggressive. I was being very honest I could not see how I could possibly teach the other two and give him what he needs as well.

My saying that prompted him to ask, “Why do I have to do school?”

That led into a conversation about the importance of school and why he is required to do it. After I had finished explaining in great detail what school does for him he finally sat still for a moment and said, “Ok, I understand.” I asked, “Will you do school with me now?” He agreed and we got at least one full assignment complete. I thought that was a great accomplishment. It gave me hope for today. (He did ask me why he has to do school several times today though. :-/) We started first thing in the morning with our Yoga, jump roping, and basketball. They are really enjoying the physical fitness lessons, me too. (Yes, I am doing them with them.)

We then tried to start our lessons.

Daniel started to refuse again, but today I had “Fortress of Fun” to save me. It is a park around here that my aunt and I had made plans to take the kids to today. Once again, some rough moments, but we completed another written assignment and all of the computer work. He is behind in his assignments, but this is huge. All of the changes we have had, then being off schedule for so long and not doing regular school work for so long has definitely made an impact. It has been very challenging, but at the same time some huge progress. Despite any of the negatives, we have had a ton of fun so far this week.

I spoke with the special needs teacher this morning also.

Daniel is going to have another evaluation through their school for ASD, speech, occupational therapy and learning disabilities. At first she seemed a little apprehensive in suggesting some evaluations. After I said that I wanted to do whatever is needed to help him, and explained to her that I feel Daniel is at a place in his development where he needs more help than I can give him, she was much more relaxed. I will do my part of course, I need more help in direction and ways to get him to become more independent. The speech and occupational therapy can be done virtually and I am excited about that. I am also so pleased with how responsive the teachers are and how quickly they act to get things done. I think things will get much better after this first week. I need to acknowledge just how awesome it has been going being that it is only the third day.

I have managed to get five hours of schooling in each day!

We have been silly with the camera and had a load of fun at the park today. I looked up pictures of the park to show and prepare the kids. I have to give driving times now for everywhere we go and pictures if possible. It is helping the car anxiety – I will not complain. The fortress is a castle! It has a dragon and all kinds of awesome therapy type equipment to help with balance and core strength. It is a playground that is perfect for each of the kids needs. They all struggle with their vestibular system. I played too and so did my aunt. She was teaching them all kinds of workout moves to help them. :-)

Anyway, that is the good, the bad, and the accomplishments! 

Ariel and I were being animals, vampires, and squatting whatnot’s. Pictures of fun! Good Night!

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08/1/12

Recovery Time – Go Build Something!

I found some desks for the kids at Wal-Mart; (online) they were a great deal and free shipping. Each one got their own desk for their room. One of the problems I was having with school this past year was everyone needing their own space, and quiet. It was not working in our front schoolroom area in the last house because each one had specific needs. They are easily overloaded by the other with sounds, questions, not sitting still, etc… In addition, each one is at different stages of their learning and that can cause me to get flustered with their core curriculum.

When I do group lessons with specific crafts, projects, writings, what have you it is a not so bad.

However, now they each need their space and quiet in order to focus. The grades they are in require much more attention and structure. Joshua needs more of my attention and he cannot focus very well with others around. I am excited about their new learning space and our new schoolroom area where we will do our group projects. It is much more open and easier to clean! My desk is in that room as well so it makes it easier for me to hop on and check out something if I need to or pull up the resources, I want to use. I am using the “formal” dining room as schoolroom. It has a hideous glass chandelier that looks like a translucent octopus. Ha ha ha

They are all very excited about their desks and their own space as well. 

Ariel and I built hers yesterday. We had a lot of fun organizing all of our bits; whatnot’s, using the screwdrivers, and hammering away. It reminded me of my mom and me when I was little. (A story based on me and my mom We Don’t Need No Menz.) Ariel and I even broke a sweat and had to change into tank tops! Lol! She was so funny. “Mom, I am getting hot. This is some hard work.” She said while unbuttoning the top buttons of her shirt. I agreed and suggested we get on some tank tops. She read the directions, and made sure that I understood what I was I doing. She is very detailed, you know.

I am not sure what is going on lately, but she is really sticking close to me.

She has been asking for hugs, and is even saying, “I love you” back to me. Normally, she will hum the sound of it, or grunt it. Possibly, she needs that reassurance from the move, and all of social activities lately. I do not know, but I am happy to give her all that she needs and not smother her! We both need affection balance. It has helped me though having such affection with her, Daniel and Joshua. We seem to be hugging and saying more things that are affectionate then we had been. I am glad that I am able to do that with my kids. I wish my mom had been able to with my sisters and myself.

I am thankful that she has been able to be that way with her grandchildren though.

I need to call my mom. Honestly, I cannot pick up the phone. The sound of the ringing is making me cry. My confusing aunt called me Sunday night, then last night. My mom’s friend called me, I am getting text messages from people, someone else called me, but I haven’t been able to check any of my messages. I let the battery run out, and then I stuffed it in my purse. I charged it up and discovered my sister had made it in town a day earlier. I did text her and said that I was happy she made it, but that I was not answering my phone. Daniel’s Hex Larva broke and it turned into not a very good day. We are all on the verge of something. The thought of the phone is too overwhelming for me. I had thought earlier that maybe it was better for me to live in a cave, in seclusion, and get rid of my phone.

I took a deep breath and decided that was not a good idea. 

I am going to have to find my social balance. I took control today because I knew that my dad and step mom are here helping my sister. There was no way I, or the kids could handle a “pop in” like last time. If they tried calling and I did not answer then, just showed up, I would have collapsed on the floor, and Daniel would have tried to run out the door I am sure. Ariel and Joshua have hit their max too and I am stretched thin with helping all of them seek balance, along with myself. That is why I sent a text to my sister. I am too exhausted, and emotionally fragile to deal with family right now.

It does not mean I do not love them – I need a break. (Big sigh…) 

I have pictures of Ariel and I building the desk, and some crows who knows what I else I have in there. I do enjoy building things, it helps my mind get focused and forget about things that are bothering me. I like reading the instructions, putting everything in order, hmm… order, BUT sometimes it is a big pain in the booty! Especially, when instructions do not make any sense. There were moments of frustration with the desk – we still had fun. :-) Oh, I did get some storm cloud pictures, but not very good images because the lightening was zapping around me so I thought it best to get myself inside! I shall be off with the kiddies in social/emotional/sensory overload recovery. Bye now!

 

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