06/5/13

That Did NOT Go As Planned …

I have concluded that something, for some reason, is trying to teach me a lesson in things not going my way. Granted I have managed to progress in this area fairly well, most days. After having children you really, do not have a choice other than learned to accept this fact of nature. HOWEVER, things have not been going as planned for over a week if not longer – I can no longer remember because my allergies have messed up any sense of time that I had which was already very little to begin with.

There has been problem after problem with the house that we are renting.

This has caused people to be in and out of our home and property for days. This is never good. It makes me incredibly anxious and left with feeling constantly “invaded.” I have to put in extra effort to work through my anxieties because the children, especially Daniel feed off my emotions. I have not been “perfect mom” throughout all of this. I am also feeling frustrated because I have not completed several things I set out to before Ariel starts her gymnastics camp next week. The week after Joshua starts his basketball camp and that will be two weeks of us being at the Y for three hours every day. Not to mention my two workout nights. A lot of people time …

We will all need to recover from that.

I have so many posts that I have been trying to write that I just cannot complete. I want to finish them so I will stop looping about them. My mind is not cooperating and I find it very frustrating. However, today I was hopeful with the plans that I had made. Last Saturday, while swimming at the Y with the kids, I noticed a woman who looked familiar. My brain was scanning her features kind of like the Terminator does, well actually that is quite an accurate way to describe how I process information around me, especially faces. Here take a look Terminator view.

Anyway, I was scanning her features and then, her children.

Her little boy started talking to Daniel, but he just smiled and giggled because he does not know how to have a conversation with other kids yet. Joshua swam over and started talking and playing with the boy. Soon Ariel ventured over as well. I thought to myself that possibly this was a relative of mine because I vaguely remembered pictures of the children. I have such a hard time remembering faces, more like remembering whom the faces belong to. I can remember features, but have no recollection of who they are or why I know them. Once she turned around, I knew her tattoo. I saw that and her facial features started to rekindle my memory. I had a feeling that we were cousins, but I was unsure.

Without thinking about it, I went up to her and asked, “Are we related?”

She said, ”I am not sure, what is your name?” I told her my name and sure enough, we are second cousins. She was unaware that I moved back so she was not sure it was me either. We only saw each other throughout the years at the big family reunion we would have during the summers, but it had been over 10 years since the last one and we barely spoke. As we talked, I discovered that she belonged to a home school group that I connected with, but have not been able to attend any of the social gatherings. This is partly due to my social anxiety, but mostly due to school schedule and the kids not being up for socializing. I normally, do pretty well overcoming my social anxieties for my kids, but when my world feels too chaotic for me I struggle.

I told her that I would friend her when we left and I did.

She added me to their group and this week they had planned to meet at a park that is across a bridge in the next state. It is not that far and I used to be familiar with the town. I decided that I would take the kids. It was today. Everything was going well, I printed out my map and maps for the kids. I packed everyone’s lunches and snacks, and had plenty of water. I worked through some of my social anxiety about meeting new people and my nervousness about how people would respond to Autism. (After I posted about it on my facebook page and my lovely friends helped ease my anxieties!) We were running a little late, but not too bad. I had prepared the kids by letting them know that we were going to a new place.

I gave them the time frame of how long it would take.

Funny side note here, Daniel saw the map and said, “Oh, my gosh! The park is in another state!” I looked at him and asked, “How do you know that?” He said, “I know because we are going to cross the river.” I had no idea that he knew that, but I really should not be surprised he has been studying maps lately and this week he started drawing maps of the routes he takes in the house. They are complete with “A” marking the starting point and “B” marking the destination. If anyone comes over, he will be happy to give you a map to help guide you from the kitchen to the bathroom down the hall. Ha ha ha

OK! We left.

I followed the directions, I did everything right, but somehow I missed the exit. I was right there AND somehow I missed the exit ##B! I still have no idea how it happened. The state that we were in has land and land for miles. I decided that I needed to get off on an exit and turn around. Not as easy as it sounds, the exit I got off on spun me into a circle that had me going in another direction. The next exit was seven miles away. I thought surely it would let me turn around and get me back to where I needed to be.

I go off on the exit and it looked like nothing, but land and farms.

Thankfully, I finally got to a place where I could turn back onto the interstate in the correct direction. I will add another component. Daniel was freaking out! I tried to use my Google maps on my phone and it would not work. I tried using the app and the internet I could not get it to work. Daniel was yelling and telling me to use the phone. I tried to explain to him repeatedly that it was not working and he could not comprehend it. Prior to this, he was as happy as could be. I was elated because he actually got into the car knowing that it would take 22 minutes to get there. He has refused to go anywhere farther than, 15 minutes due to his car anxiety. He still will not eat or drink in the car because he is afraid that he will puke.

I called David like 20 times and he was not answering the phone.

I lost my cool after Daniel yelled at me again and caused Joshua to lose it. I finally made it to the town that I was supposed to be in and went to a gas station to try to get some sort of direction thing to work, or get a hold of David. It did not work – David finally answered the phone. To make this shorter, I was right down the street from the park. It was on the river. We got there, got out and I looked for my cousin. I did not see her. I had also, not noticed that in the post she mentioned that there was a splash park. :-/ I took the kids walking by the river because I did not see a park. Eventually, we found it not far at all. They played for a while and then, I let them play in the splash park in their clothes. We ended up having a grand time, though it got a little icky when the train passed by and blasted its horn. Daniel ended up becoming frightened and then, wanted to know why it had to use a horn.

On the way home, I was a frazzled and needed a break.

I became frustrated because of the whole situation trying to get there; getting lost makes me so upset. I recovered, we all recovered, had a great time and then the blasted train had to go and cause problems! I wanted to leave on a good note. The ride home was good though. We got home I gave them showers fed them snacks and we are all happy and jolly. Today DID NOT go as planned, but overall I am happy. The kids are happy. We have a great new place to go hang out now during the summer. And I found a bridge that I am slightly obsessed with. I love walking by the river that always makes me feel peace and fills me with positive childhood memories. I am going to try to take the kids to another social gathering with the home school group.

I am glad I did not become too anxious and decide never to try again, at least for the moment.

Photos from today!

[Show as slideshow]

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06/1/13

Gifted? What Is That All About?

I am so excited to have a REAL library here. Where we used to the live my home library carried more books and resources. It was very limited and small. Here there is a grand awesome library downtown and I think about eight more all across town. They are smaller, but they carry recent books and they are connected to the main library. I mention that because well, I was excited and because it has a TON of resources for Autism, gifted learning, and learning disabilities. I have been researching ways to help Daniel and Joshua with their reading struggles. I have been concerned about Joshua because he shows more prominent signs of dyslexia. As a matter-of-fact, he shows not just a few signs and symptoms, but he ranks extremely high according to the questionnaires, signs, and symptoms I have read.

I already knew this, but I started to doubt myself.

I explained this to his teacher at the beginning of the year. She seemed to feel that with repetition and with the five-day reading plan, that he would be able to grasp reading. He did not. He has struggled throughout the whole year. He also, freezes when he has to do timed reading assessments so I do not feel there was ever an accurate reading assessment done with him. (I am trying to help him and Daniel with this by practicing timed reading each week.) She wanted to retain him. I refused. I could not do it. The boy knows his subjects. He has mastered first grade math, science, social studies, etc … He struggles with handwriting and reading.

He is gifted in math.

There was no way I could live with myself keeping him held back based on these reading assessments and his ability to read sight words. He has progressed and in the last week, he has done extremely well. I have been researching and applying strategies from dyslexic sites I have been on. The library has an audio series that I plan on getting that goes through specific techniques that I think may help us. The more I read about dyslexia the more I thought about the word “gifted.” Ariel has already been placed in gifted classes. She is reading at 4th to 5th grade level with minimal work on my part.

It comes naturally to her.

It does not for the boys; however, math comes naturally to the boys and not for her. She has to work a little bit harder and it has to be explained in certain ways. I decided that I needed to trust my instincts when it comes to my kids. All of them struggle with handwriting, I have dysgraphia and I have other traits of dyslexia. (Types of dyslexia.)

They all show signs and symptoms too.

Something is seriously wrong when Daniel has a meltdown after every writing assignment and it takes him over an hour to write six sentences. Something is wrong when both Joshua and Ariel are in tears, reaching the point of sobbing after they get to the end of their writing assignments. They all need many breaks in the middle of it and that still does not help.

Have they improved?

Yes, they have, but at what cost? Thankfully, Daniel’s OT is suggesting that in his IEP next year for larger writing assignments he be allowed to use the keyboard instead. We will still work on handwriting. I am happy to know that the process has started for Joshua to get accommodations as well, the Special Ed teacher is awaiting approval. I hope that by the beginning of the year we can get some things for him. However, Ariel is not. Since she shows improvement and is in gifted classes, she does not get these accommodations. I have shared about her struggles, yet, it is another feeling that she will just acclimate and be able to adjust.

Currently, I will have to make do with helping her because she just-does-not-have-enough-visible-issues.

Urg! I will have to process that and see how she does this year. If it is too stressful and overwhelming, I will see what can be done. All of this made me think that I really need to find resources about being gifted. When I thought of gifted I had automatically thought things like, special, highly intelligent, in the advanced classes, not having struggles, not needing help, able to learn ALL subjects with ease, not me. That is not true, according to the criteria, I am gifted, and I did several questionnaires that give the indication that all three of my children are as well. My perception of gifted was skewed and this is confirmed through several resources I have read as well. How does society get things so contorted?

So what does gifted mean?

There are several views about this, BIG SURPRISE! It can vary. Here is the wiki quickie:

“Intellectual giftedness is an intellectual ability significantly higher than average. It is different from a skill, in that skills are learned or acquired behaviors. Like a talent, intellectual giftedness is usually believed to be an innate, personal aptitude for intellectual activities that cannot be acquired through personal effort. Various ideas about the definition, development, and best ways of identifying intellectual giftedness have been put forward.

Intellectual giftedness may be general or specific. For example, an intellectually gifted person may have a striking talent for mathematics, but not have equally strong language skills. When combined with an adequately challenging curriculum and thediligence necessary to acquire and execute many learned skills, intellectual giftedness often produces academic success.^{[citation needed]} There is also artistic or creative giftedness, which may or may not be combined with intellectual giftedness.^{[citation needed]“}

I will only use that definition – I think it is straightforward and clear enough.

When it comes to schools defining, it is done through each state. Each gifted program may differ and they may be called by different names. Apparently, some feel using the word “gifted” is a negative thing for a child. I have been researching off and on about giftedness because I noticed some things that concerned me about Ariel. She has made it clear that she is “aware” that she is different, but she is not really sure how. She knows that she is very smart and finds school to be boring and unchallenging at times. She is uncomfortable around her peers and no matter what I do to try to help her with this, she cannot seem to feel as though she can “fit in.”

She show signs that she is an introvert.

However, she is also not really upset by this for the most part. There are some days when she gets down, but many times she is just happy. I have reassured her that all of these things are ok, but emotionally she internalizes, can shutdown, and will isolate herself. There are times when she needs that solitude and other times when it is because she is feeling down. I have no problems with how she processes, many times when I observe her she is like a “mini-me” which is exactly why I wanted to make sure I did my part in helping her. I am not being overly sensitive she and Joshua both need more support in their social and emotional needs. I know this and that is why I have them participating in different activities this summer with kids on their own.

In two weeks, Ariel will start gymnastics camp.

It is a weeklong and for half the day. This is a big step for both of us. She has never done anything like this and we are both excited. She will get to do something “without the boys!” The next week Joshua will go to basketball camp. I think this will be great for him. He needs to have his own time away from Ariel and Daniel too. Daniel is starting his music therapy social group the third week of June which will be the first time I will leave him doing activity. He and I both need do that. I have other things planned for the summer and I am already preparing for the fall.

I intend on getting them into things that come naturally for them.

I have been concerned with their emotional needs very much since; a lot of my energy has been focused on Daniel. I know that I have dropped the ball and now I am at a place where I can focus more on their needs. Being that all three children are in the gifted range, I can apply what I learn to all three of them. I will have to tweak each thing to work for them as individuals, but for my first plan of operation, I can work with all three of them. A couple of weeks ago I found this book Managing The Social and Emotional Needs of the Gifted. I have gained a lot from reading this book. (A lucky find at the teachers store on the clearance rack! $5.00!)

It gave me words for what I felt, but did not know how to say or approach.

All that I am learning is helping me understand myself much more too. I have written about my findings regarding people who are gifted here Short on Words — Me? It has some great resources, but after I wrote it, I did not venture off into it anymore. Now that I recognize many patterns in my children, I have a new interest in learning how to teach them. Because frankly, this last school year proved to me that they do not excel in their learning by preparing for state testing’s. I do not believe any child does, but that is my own issue. I plan on learning as much as I can to be able to use the curriculum and virtual school that we go through in ways that will help their learning be more positive.

I am not sure how I am going to do this yet.

I have only just started reading, so my mind is collecting data, connecting information, and pondering how each child processes, their gifts, and challenges. I am pulling together these thoughts and ideas to see how the information applies to them, and thinking of ways to prepare for the new school year. I have until August 12th! My first and most important priority is to help my kids understand themselves. They all three expect to be perfect at something the first time they try it. If they are not or they find it to be a challenge, they become upset. Many times, they speak negatively about themselves. I am sure that sometimes they are trying to get an emotional response out of me, but it is still not something I want them to make into a pattern of thinking.

I will use handwriting, it is one where all three of them say, “I am not good at this!”

Or “I will never be able to write.” “I do not know why I am so bad at this.” Then, there are tears, frustration, meltdowns, or shutdowns. There is nothing wrong with them. They are doing amazing work; I see how much effort they put into each writing assignment and how much it costs them emotionally and physically. They become exhausted, drained, and their hands hurt. I have the weighted pencils AND every type of writing instrument there is out there. We have done the OT exercises and the sensory diet. We have done the work.

I understand their frustration after trying so hard and still struggling.

What I find even more frustrating is that this “inability” is what the focus is on, or for the boys their reading challenges are the constant focal point. They are being continually reminded of what they cannot do instead of bringing balance of all the things that they do excel in. This is emotionally taxing on all of us. Joshua has another component where he does not understand why reading is so easy for Ariel and not for him. I am not sure if Daniel is aware of this. He does not seem to notice what Ariel is doing with school, but you never know. He observes so many things and details that he may be internalizing his thought about that.

In my efforts to help, I picked up this book The Gifted Kids’ Survival Guide at the library.

I also got Mind Workout for Gifted Kids to help me by reading the parents’ guidebook and to see if the puzzle book is beneficial to the kids. It is all up in the air right now. I have confessed before my failures in remembering Ariel and Joshua’s challenges and struggles. I can be consumed with helping Daniel or trying to keep the peace (with everyone!) in the house. In this next week, I am going through The Gifted Kids’ Survival Guide with each child and reading it with them.

This is taken from the description:

“Based on 1,000 new surveys with gifted kids, this book will continue to help countless bright, talented children know they’re not ‘weird’ or alone in the world. It answers their questions about what gifted is (and isn’t), how to cope with teasing, how to deal with high expectations and perfectionism, how to make friends, and much more. It’s upbeat, informative, friendly, and compact. At a time when some gifted programs are being challenged, scaled back, or dropped, it’s more important than ever to have “The Gifted Kids’ Survival Guide”.”

I plan on discussing it with them and asking questions to help me know how to teach them better.

I want to know what they are feeling, if this book can give them words to what they have not been able to express before then, I feel that is a major achievement. I am spending this summer learning more about how to understand my children’s giftedness and about dyslexia. I will not second-guess myself again. I tried to teach in the way that I thought I was supposed to and granted my kids got straight A’s, they did not enjoy getting those grades. They just wanted to get it done. It makes me wonder what they will do if they actually have more fun while learning.

I will share several resources about dyslexia and some more that I found about gifted kids.

(I know, it’s a lot … I didn’t even share everything! I have been reading about this stuff off and on for a while. I am just now able to process and put everything together.)

Talent development: Accommodating the social and emotional needs of secondary gifted/learning disabled students
What is Giftedness?
Gifted Children with Learning Disabilities : Lost Treasures
Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADD, ADHD, LD, and Autism Education Tools and Info (25 TED Talks Perfect For Classrooms | Edudemic … – Scoop.it)
Top 5 TEDTalks for Parents of Gifted Kids
Dyslexia Signs & Symptoms
explore1in5.org (videos and resource info)
Top 10 Things You Should Know About Reading
Identifying If A Child Has A Learning Glitch
Smart Kids Who Don’t Want to Read
Overcoming Dyslexia, Finding Passion – Piper Otterbein at TEDxYouth (video)
Dyslexia and Dysgraphia: What is the Connection?
Learning Disabilities: Recognizing Dysgraphia in Children with ADHD
Facts on Dyslexia
Gifted Homeschoolers Forum

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05/1/13

700th Post!

This is my 700th post, woot! I am going to keep it short. I just could not keep it at 699 any longer. I will share some pictures. Today Daniel discovered “helicopter seeds.” (Flying maple seeds) I was immediately transported to my grandma’s backyard collecting tons and tons of them. A Flash of a great memory of my childhood. I spent hours in her backyard collecting those along with other grand woodsy type things, leaves, sticks, dirt, roly-poly bugs, rocks, and whatever else I could gather to create the most delicious of nature meals you could ever imagine.

I was a wondrous fairy chef who could talk to creatures and was best friends with butterflies!

The world was stupendous! But only in the back yard for those several hours that I could play alone and not be bothered with the rest of the world. Today Daniel found as much delight in these flying maple seeds as I did as a child. Then, it caught on with Ariel and Joshua as I shared my childhood fun with them. They all three now have a collection of them in the house. Daniel is playing with them and treating them as though they are delicate little creatures as to not break their “blades” that are “like fans.”

It was a brighter moment of our day.

Let’s just say things did not go as planned and the great outdoors helped us feel much better. Unfortunately, we had a sad moment outside when we discovered three baby birds that had died. Joshua was so upset he almost started crying. He said, “That makes me so sad. I think about that mommy bird and she must be so, so sad.” I shared a little bit about nature and how these things happen. It is sad, but it is what happens in nature. I was much softer when speaking with him; I was sad too and had to work through my own emotions. However, the helicopter seeds saved the day and to Daniel they are better than, any of his current toys.

Well OK! I think they are pretty cool myself.

: It still makes me laugh. :-)

: Monster came for breakfast the other day.

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04/5/13

Celebrate Good Times, Come on …

I am quite chipper today. I have a huge sense of accomplishment in multiple areas of my life. I feel like celebrating it! I feel much better about Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month. I am excited about all of things that have been happening. (Look here Autism Acceptance Month.) I dealt with my personal issues and anxieties. I finally, came to the conclusion and acceptance, once again, that I will never make everyone happy.

I will participate in my way and not feel badly about how I contribute.

I think my fears are triggered by the familiar feelings that I have from church settings. (long story) I have moments when I feel as though I am an Autistic and Autistic parent who does not belong in the Autism community, and other times I am overwhelmed with understanding, belonging, and acceptance. I am not sure how to articulate those feelings very well.

I am not sure if others feel that way too, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I believe I have written about it before, however, my mind is spinning with all sorts’ positivity. This week I FINALLY fulfilled many of the goals that I have been talking (writing) about for what has seemed like decades. I got Ariel and Joshua signed up for gymnastics, which will start next Saturday. While they are doing that Daniel and I will enjoy some swimming action. I signed Ariel up for gymnastic camp and Joshua into basketball camp for the summer. Daniel is signed up for Music Therapy social group for the summer session. I am waiting on his evaluation to determine if he qualifies for a Medicaid Waiver.

I hope he qualifies because his therapies will end when school ends.

The Music Therapy is covered under the waiver. They provide OT, Speech, academic helps, reading, sensory integration, as well as use the social groups to connect all aspects of the therapies. He would receive an individualized evaluation to work on his specific needs. It would be so perfect for him. He is naturally drawn to music and he uses it to help him process what he learns already. He loves everything about instruments, sounds, rhythms, beats, and on and on. He has taught himself several songs on the keyboard. He keeps asking for a “real” piano. I am keeping my eyes open for some great miracle of a bargain in hopes that something may pop up.

I also, registered Ariel into fine arts classes with a home school co-op.

She will be learning from a technically trained artist for drawing and painting 101. I think this will help her with her natural talents as an artist. She also decided to take Beginning Strings, which is taught by an instructor who holds a Master of Music and Suzuki Pedagogy. We will see how everything goes. It is fantastic to be able to experience these things. I admit I was a little concerned, I have seen some home school co-ops that have not been as professional. Not all are alike and I am NOT generalizing, but still I am not going to pour money into something unless it is worthwhile and will be beneficial to my child’s learning.

I think you know what I am trying to say. (I mean no disrespect to anyone, please know that.)

The woman I spoke with said that there are many girls her age taking the classes. Ariel and I are elated! She has been asking to make friends with girls, but it just has not worked out. I have been taking her with me Monday and Thursday nights to the YMCA to hang out with other kids. It has boosted her spirits. She really needs some time of her own away from the boys. She has been requesting it and I am happy to have a place to take her that she is enjoying.

I am amazed at my sudden fearlessness.

It is as if something has clicked. I have gained a whole new voice and perspective about myself. I have surprised myself at how outgoing I have been. I do know that I can be very outgoing, but then, be extremely introverted as well. Being introverted does not mean being shy or unable to be outgoing. I have noticed that after my social encounters I have taken the down time that I need. For instance, when I come home, after getting everyone else undressed, re-clothed, and taken care of, I take about 15 minutes to myself. This has made a huge difference in my stress and anxieties. I have also stopped worrying about what people are doing, or “trying” to tell me.

I assume that if they have something to tell me they will.

If they do not and expect me to “read” between the lines, that is their problem. I have no time for that stuff. I will no longer spend unnecessary energy on trying to figure out the communication twistings of others. It is their responsibility to tell me what they want me to know. If they expect me to read their mind, well that is simply unrealistic. I have taken on that mindset in my closer social circles. When I meet new people, I now go in not worrying about whether or not they will accept me. I go in with a positive hopeful attitude. If they like me and want to get to know me, great. If not, oh, well. I have boundaries and understand how to use them now.

Before I was desperately seeking for people to understand me, accept me, and acknowledge me!

The root of this issue was that I had not done those things for myself. I had been swallowed up in searching for an identity through others without realizing it. It is good to receive those things from others, but I should not look to others for them. Much of it had to do with being confused for so long about who I was and why I thought so differently from others. Why was I such an odd, quirky individual who did not even seem to fit in with other odd, quirky individuals? I have concluded that some days I feel perfectly fine in my own skin and other days I do not.

There are times when I can be extremely social and outgoing.

There are other times when I cannot. I will go with each cycle of myself and live happily accepting all of my different ways of being. Currently, I am in an outgoing, adventurous type of cycle. While I am in this cycle, I will get as many goals accomplished as possible. I will try what I want to during this time because it will give me the foundation of doing those things when I feel less adventurous. (lessening my anxiety in some ways) On Monday, I got to my cycle class late and all of the bikes were full. I looked at my aunt and said, “Bummer.” Then, walked down the hall to the next class, thought it was Zumba and decided to find out.

I walked in and asked what class it was; she said that it was Zumba.

I decided to give it a try. It was fantastic. I met several ladies that were very nice. I enjoyed myself and actually did not mind that much that I was in a room with a bunch of sweaty women, looking at a wall of mirrors! In the past, I would have gone home after missing out on the cycle class. I know I would have felt deflated. I did not this week, and last night I got to do Piloxing for the first time. Guess what? I love it! I will be going to spin class and Piloxing on a regular basis. That has changed too. I AM doing things for myself and doing things that I enjoy.

I am not only voicing when I need a break, I am saying, “I am taking a break.”

I am not sure if this side of me will be tired out by tomorrow after my family throws me my birthday party. My dad chose this week because last week was Easter and that would not work out for all of us. So tomorrow, I have family coming in, the party will be at my aunt’s house, and we will have another social event. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be good. Easter went great and we all had a great time. No meltdowns and it was very enjoyable. Daniel played on their piano most of the time.

I know that I will need to take more down time after this weekend.

I have been going for two weeks straight with all sorts of new things and social situations. Yesterday, I took the kids to get their eye exams. I am so thrilled with how well it went. The doctor and nurse were perfect. They were so accommodating. They explained every detail for the kids as well as for me. They answered the plethora of questions that each of them had. I really appreciate it when people address my children with respect like that. The kids and I had fun; it was getting to be a bit too much for Daniel and Joshua after a while. We were there for almost three hours. However, all went well and we took the day to recuperate.

Ariel and Daniel are getting glasses.

Daniel is not too excited about wearing them. That may be a challenge. It all feels surreal. The kids and I have been doing so many more things out of the house and it has not made things worse. We seem to be much happier and calmer. Who would have though? And now I will celebrate these good times because as you know, it could change at any moment. Not that I am expecting horrible things, I am only expecting the best, preparing for the possibility of the worst, and enjoying all the great along the way! There are more things to write about, but I seem to be too babbly even for myself. I’ve been this way for a couple of days …

I will celebrate the last two weeks and the major changes in myself!

Go Kool & The Gang! Lol!

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03/23/13

A Full Week & Less Anxiety!

This week was full of excitement. It started on Monday with meeting Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher. She was in town for state testing’s. She offered to meet us at a local park for lunch. I thought that I had not heard of the park, but I figured I could find it. It was on the other side of town, which is about 15 minutes away – compared to where we used to live this is fabulous!

The directions were very confusing.

Come to find out after getting to the park, it was the same place that my (ex) stepfather played softball at for the entire time he and my mother were married. I was there almost every Wednesday night and weekends during tournaments from the age 0f 8 until about 12. I was shocked that I had forgotten all about that park. I played in the playground by myself many nights.

I caught critters, talked to the moon, tried to count stars, but most of all I swung on the swings.

That particular park had the perfect height for swings. I have found that some parks just do not have the height right and it makes for uncomfortable swinging, for me anyway. I do have fond memories of that park. Ok, ok. We met with their teacher and she was great. I had no social awkwardness and I was not frazzled from trying to locate the park. I did not recall the park because the major expressway was not built during that time so we took a completely different route when I was a child.

Unfortunately, the weather was icky and no other children/families came.

We still had a good time; it helped Daniel and Ariel feel connected to her. Joshua may get her next year that will help him feel connected too if he does. Then, on Tuesday, Daniel’s tutor came. It was a rough day for me I wrote about that on my last post. I believe the sensory/social stress from the Saturday before at Wal-Mart and then, meeting their teacher contributed to my anxiety. Since I had not had any downtime I was feeling a bit on edge already.

On Wednesday, I spent time on the phone setting up eye exams for the kids.

In the midst of this, I also had social interactions via webcam with Daniel’s OT and Speech therapist. I talk to them after each session to discuss homework, progress, and anything else that comes up. Granted it is only about 5-15 minutes, they are still social interactions that I forget require me to have downtime.

On Thursday, my grandma came over and gave me a break.

I was so happy that she was feeling better and the kids were very happy to see her too. I took my break and realized how important it is that I get that time for myself. It was a break, but grandma was yet another social interaction. Even if I enjoy my social encounters, I need downtime and so do the kids. This week Daniel has been helping himself to seek out what he needs.

He has taken to playing the keyboard after his schoolwork and/or social interactions.

He has taught himself to play several songs and he is getting better each day. There have been meltdown moments, but he has had fewer and faster recovery times. This can be a cycle that we are in, sometimes he goes through meltdown cycles where I cannot find anything to help him, and then, there are times like this when he seems to be able to help himself or communicate what he needs.

He has asked many new questions.

He has wanted to participate with many things, along with starting conversations about things he is thinking about. He has also been asking, “What are you thinking about mom?” or “What do you feel right now?”They have been random and at unexpected moments. We have been having some interesting conversations. Now Friday, was a bit much. We recently discovered that this house has no installation all throughout. None. The owners have opted to put installation in and it was scheduled to start Friday morning.

I had made plans to take the kids out all morning until my appointment with my therapist.

Well, I did not get a call until later in the morning they said they could not get here until around 12:00 pm. I went along with my plans and took the kids to the YMCA to swim. Long story short, when we got back they said the job was bigger than they thought and they would have to have the pallets delivered next Thursday and do the work all day Friday.

I was starting to panic a little because of all of the change.

I was getting nervous about meeting with my therapist as well. I calmed down, accepted all of it, and came up with a plan for next Friday. I gained much more confidence after meeting with my therapist. I shared with her some of my concerns that I currently have and I told her directly what I needed help with. She gave me resources, validated, and confirmed issues that I brought up, and made it clear that I need to take mental breaks throughout my day.

She said even if it is for a few minutes a day.

The little breaks will add up and help me to maintain my mental energy that I need to keep on a regular basis. I have made some serious changes in how I handle my anxiety and any negative energy that I am exposed to – this has helped me a great deal. As I told her, “I feel like I am getting my brain back!” I am waking up and coming out of survival mode. One point she wanted to ensure I grasped, was that I be kind to myself.

She said that I will fall into familiar thinking at times, but it is ok.

She explained that I have been operating in fight or flight for so long that it will take time to change this into positive directions. SO, I am on the right track, but I need to remember not to beat myself up if I fall into old patterns. I can see them more clearly and stop them sooner which means I can look at that as the positive and move on faster. I have a tendency of thinking that I should have known better and I can jump to “O-M-G! I failed! then, dwell on that type of thinking. I can fall into thinking that I will “never” be able to change, but that only comes when I have been bombarded with words and negativity.

None of that is helpful or beneficial.

I have also been seeking social activities to do with the kids. Since Autism Awareness (Please let us go to Acceptance.) is coming in April there are many things happening around here. I plan to take them to several family events that are scheduled. I am so excited! I also found a home school group that meets every Wednesday. I will not be taking them every week, but at least once a month for now. Today the downtown library had a music event for the families.

I decided that I was taking them so I did.

It was so much fun! We danced, sang, played instruments, marched, and made egg shakers it was fantastic. The kids loved it. The people who were doing it are part of a local music therapy that specializes in Autism and people with special needs. I asked all sorts of questions and we could possibly get Daniel music therapy free. I will find out all of the info on Monday. If not I can still get him into a music social group for about $20 a week. That would be great! I am trying to find him a piano teacher, but still have not.

Here is an interesting tidbit; I thought I had the correct directions.

In fact, I had printed directions for another thing that I plan to take them to. When I realized that I had the wrong directions, I pulled over, but could not get access from my phone. I had to call David and asked him to tell me the directions. I was right down the street and it was easy to find. It did not occur to me until I was on the way home that I did not panic at all.

I did not get frazzled when I could not find it.

I did not freak out when I discovered that I had the wrong directions. I was not filled with anxiety. This is HUGE! Having the wrong directions, not finding my way, going to a new place in general has caused me to go into serious panic attacks. I have even had panic attacks when I knew where I was going, but for the life of me could not remember. My head usually gets too fuzzy for me to concentrate and then, if I did make it to the place I was usually a mess and very awkward.

I also realized I had NO social anxiety whatsoever when I went into the library.

The library is huge and I could not locate the children’s center so I walked up to information and asked. I did not think about it – I just did it. When the kids and I walked into the room with the other parents and kids, I had a moment of hesitation because at that time there were only younger kids. My hesitation lasted only for a moment. I led the kids in and talked to people with no problems.

At the end, I went straight up to one of the women and asked questions about the program.

What I found amazing was that none of this was a thought. I was not afraid of saying anything wrong. I was not full of anxiety. I was myself. In the afternoon, I took Ariel out to lunch and to Toys-r-us for a build-a-Lego Friend event. No anxiety! I talked to people with no problems. I even ordered food through a drive thru! (We indulged in a fast food adventure. ) I have not done that in years. I was a little anxious with that because I have not seen a drive thru menu in so long that I found it confusing.

I have to admit I am pretty stoked about all of this.

I do know that for the rest of today and tomorrow I need to have downtime. I need to relax. I could feel the effects in a few days, but the difference is that I know many more of my triggers that I did not before. (And how they are triggered.) If I stay away from negative energy and keep solid boundaries, I will be able to cope and allow my brain to process all that it needs to from this week.

One thing that really helps is that all of my encounters were positive.

I got a boost of self-esteem this week. I am looking forward to the weeks to come. I am going to an Autism Expo too that should be interesting. I may tape it and do a video. Maybe. I think going swimming and working out has helped a great deal. I have also started a workout routine with the kids and that seems to be helping all of us.

I am signing Ariel and Joshua up for activities for the spring season.

I am going to have them do summer camps too. I will take Daniel swimming while they do that because he loves to swim. Next week is not as packed, but I hope to try Piloxing on Thursday. Oh, yeah! Pilates, boxing, and dance. I cannot wait.

Wow! This was a lot of stuff and I am still feeling good! (Though I am feeling very tired now. I better go to bed early. )

A few pictures.

[Show as slideshow]

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02/14/13

Keeping It Light!

I am kind of jabbering and have no real rhyme or reason for this post. I have a lot that I am pondering and weighing through. I admit I am still fragile from my depressive thoughts. I am feeling much better, but … I do not know. This time around, I know that I need to make some major changes. I have a mix of feelings because once again, I thought I understood a situation and it has been changed on me again. I cannot go into detail. I only know that I cannot continue in the ways that I have so I need to surround myself with positive people (mostly my internet connections ) and make sure I reach out to those who love me in real life as well.

Depression causes my brain to become so muddled that I cannot remember who can support me and who cannot.

I made sure that I talked to my aunt after spin class on Monday, I shared with a autism group some of my struggles, I reached out to my mom, and tried to email some friends to help me at least write it out and process. That has helped. I was able to get the process rolling as well to try to get insurance for myself. So that is good news. That is all I will delve into today. I think those are positive things and I will continue to push myself forward in this area. However, I cannot stop there I must share some resources! (Someone may benefit!)

Neel Burton – The Anatomy of Melancholy: Can depression be good for you? (TED video)

Dealing with the Depths of Depression (This one is great, it shares briefly about the biochemical and genetic links, environmental factors, and seasonal factors. My anemia is getting worse and I know that is a contributing factor as well.)

Mindfulness Counseling for Depression

Surviving Depression: A Mindful Way

Back to the lightness!

SO! Good news with handwriting around here. All three kids struggle with handwriting, I still do. Ariel has made tremendous strides in her handwriting. Even though it does take a lot of concentration and she does have to take her time, the results have given her a new confidence. She was very proud of her accomplishments this week. She did remarkably well. She has also turned her room into a “comic book” library and if Joshua wants to check out a book he has to use the library card that she made for him. Lol!

Both Daniel and Joshua have improved in their handwriting too!

It is such wonderful a thing to witness them work so hard and then, revel in their achievements. This past week both the boys have not only done incredibly well with their handwriting, but they have been reading much more on their own. Daniel did amazing in his classes this week and read again for his teacher today.

It astonishes me when these things happen.

I always forget that when Daniel has several rough weeks that some major progress comes right after. I do not know why. I think that work with him so closely that I cannot see the progress as clearly. It feels like it is not happening, but then to my surprise things like this happen. It is not that I do not see it, it is that it is hard to truly comprehend what is happening until I have had time to process everything. I hope that makes sense. We had been working hard on his handwriting AND emotional expression the whole month of January. I knew it would be a lot to process. However, I was not consciously thinking of it.

My mind was set on the tasks.

I was focused on school and then, processing the whole possibility of Daniel being “retained.” I had my own emotional responses and my own lack of knowledge that made me spin into anxiety. My research frenzy took over and then, with everything else I went into an inevitable meltdown. I am looking forward to my quiet time tomorrow when grandma comes to watch the kids for while. I plan on leaving and not being near any computer devices. I will have my phone, but I do not plan to get on to check anything. I want to try to find a place of solitude like the one I had at the beach where we used to live.

I am not sure I will find it, but I will try.

Today the kids and I poured some sea monkey eggs into their purified water – we will wait excitedly for some to grow in the next week. We also, made cupcakes and managed to complete all of our schoolwork with everyone being happy. Now that is one fabulous day! Since I do not really celebrate Valentine’s Day, but I do love to read and research about the origins of holidays I will share another great find. I know others may not enjoy my interests such as these, but it makes me somewhat giddy. The Dark Origins Of Valentine’s Day I will leave with this fantastic array of photos Awkward Valentine’s Day Photos.

AND my own photos to share of course, I do not think they are awkward??

Another side note here, when Daniel sat down to write his assignment he said to me, “Please leave me, I want to be alone.” He did not want me to help him at all. I could only find a math worksheet to compare at the moment. On that day he told me it was too much work to write out the words so I let him draw lines instead. This was at the beginning of January.

: Sea Monkey eggs!

: Joshua’s from this week.

: Daniel’s poem this week.

: Daniel’s poem this week.

: Ariel’s handwriting this week!

: Ariel’s a couple of weeks ago.

: Joshua’s writing

: Sea Monkey wanna cupcake?

: Yum!

: Daniel: “They are so cute!” :-)

: Sea Monkeys?

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02/6/13

My Inevitable Meltdown

Yes, I had a meltdown today. I felt it brewing for days. Actually, it has been building up for a couple of weeks. I continued to tell David that I needed a break, but his suggestions were always for me to go somewhere. It does not help me have a break when I have to leave my house. If I am already feeling sensitive emotionally and sensory wise, my body is already reaching its extremes of ability to process information and people. The stress of another environment with new, or different sensory things and social situations could cause another series of meltdowns and needless anxieties.

There is no place for me to go in this house.

I have no space of my own. I am invaded in all rooms. I am the mom so of course, the bathroom is not off limits either. Locking the bathroom door? Well, that lasted for about a second. How can children bust open locks on doors? Amazing. Before I go any further let me share an excellent post that describes meltdowns. Anatomy of a Meltdown written by Musings of an Aspie. The events leading up to this had to do with Daniel’s own struggles lately. He has had really great day’s then, really bad days.

They have been fluctuating back and forth some days have been extremely intense.

I have yet to discover the root of them, but he tends to seek out toys or objects that feed his anxieties when he is like this. I have been on guard, trying to stay on top of them. I have been using so much energy trying to figure out, redirect, help him communicate, and calm him that I feel extremely stretched.

In the midst of this, I try to do school with Ariel and Joshua.

All three children are at different levels of learning and that takes energy too. I am not complaining only sharing the contributors to my meltdown. I also, have heightened stress of trying to keep all of the kids quiet so they will not disturb David. He works at home.

It has not worked.

It has spiraled into not good days at all for me. I have held it together for weeks, but it has gotten to be too much. The kids are being kids. They should be allowed to be kids. They should not feel this pressure on them as well. I have not been able to take them out because the car is making a strange noise. A very scary noise and I do not feel comfortable taking the kids out in the car. Hopefully, the car will be fixed soon.

I know that all of the emotional processing that I have been doing has contributed as well.

Another factor, Daniel’s teacher informed me last Friday that they had him listed as “retain.” I was unable to process that because of the week that I had. It finally, hit me over the weekend and my mind flooded with questions.

I was unsure what it meant by “listed.”

I was concerned that I would not have a say in the decision. I was not exactly sure why he was listed as retained. My concerns heightened because I know that Daniel understands his schoolwork. He does his worksheets and tests with me reading them. I do have to scribe many times.

He does require a lot more of my attention and help with language arts, but he comprehends his assignments.

I was a mess on Monday, with my head was spinning with questions and worries. I have no problem having Daniel retained if I feel that it is the best thing for him. My anxieties took over and I could not determine if we had a choice or what our options were.

During my mind quandaries, we had a plumber come to the house.

The toilet broke the night before, our other one had been broken for a couple of months, but because they had just come out to fix it, I felt the issue was hopeless. I hate toilets!! The property manager unexpectedly showed up Monday afternoon too.

Thank goodness, I cleaned the house on Saturday!

I was so far behind with my housework. I would have had my meltdown right in front of the plumber and the property manager had my house been a mess. I am just like that; if the house had been a mess, I would have been attacked with another round of anxieties and fears because the property manager came. The plumber was here for four or five hours. He unexpectedly turned on a wet vac. The change in routine, unexpected visits, noises, and stress that was already at high levels upset Daniel. I tried to keep it together and I did until today.

Yesterday was horrible all morning long, the afternoon got better, and the evening got worse.

This morning started out good, but I was so fatigued, I felt as though I had nothing left in me, I knew I had to get school started, and that I needed to prepare to talk to Daniel’s special ed teacher. I forgot to mention that I have also been in a whirlwind of searching for tutors in the area. I have been researching about children being retained, the affects of that, the pros and cons. I have been learning everything I can about dibels (which I do have opinions about and I do not think it is the best gauge for children with learning “disabilities”) and how to use it at home. I have been researching about standardized testing and our rights, along with our rights regarding Daniel’s IEP.

My mind went into overdrive.

I need information to help me understand. I need to look at everything so I know what is best for our family. However, I do get obsessive and cause my brain to get flustered with information when I am in a frenzy like this. The good news, many of my anxieties were laid to rest today. His teacher answered many questions clearly and gave me more of her point of view. We agree on many things and she is giving me some resources to try with Daniel to help him even more. YAY!

However, I spoke to her after my meltdown.

I was calm and able to talk to her because I got all of that mess out of my head. Today was additionally stressful because David meets with his boss virtually every Wednesday. This is stressful in SO many ways. This morning I was anticipating the call with Daniel’s teacher, and trying to focus on what I could do to keep things calm while David was speaking with his boss.

As the morning started, it looked promising until Daniel became upset again that his video recorder was broken.

I tried to rectify the situation by giving him one of my cameras that records and takes pictures. Long story short, something happened that made Daniel think that the camera was broken, I was trying to help him, and he became upset with me. I started crying. I couldn’t stop.

I was able to pull myself out of that and help Daniel too.

Until, something happened again with the camera. I lost it. I started crying, wailing, fell on my knees, rocking, sobbing, begging God to, “Please, fix the camera and make this stop!” All I remember is hyperventilating and sobbing loudly.

This upset Daniel even more.

I managed to get to David’s office trying to apologize, but that made him go out to talk to Daniel. All I could say through the tears was, “I am trying to pull it out. I am trying to pull it out. One of us has to be ok with him.” What I meant was that I digging deep to try to find my way to help calm Daniel, but I did not have it in me. I needed David to do it.

Thankfully, he did and managed to help Daniel calmly.

I sat on the floor staring outside feeling exhausted and drained. Daniel became very concerned about me. He asked David what was wrong with me and David explained to him that I needed a break. He also explained to him “Mommy gets overloaded too.” I wanted so badly to be there for Daniel, but I could not. I felt like a rubber band pulled to the breaking point. I was also frustrated because I voiced repeatedly that I needed a break, but I have not been given one. I cannot take off and leave. If I am to take, a break that requires me to leave it has to be planned.

I have to be in the right frame of mind.

I also, have to make sure that food situation is taken care of for everyone and Daniel is ok before I leave. On Monday, I did not get to go to my spin class. The plumber stayed too late and I had to have dinner ready. By the time I was ready, I was too late. Obviously, things are not working. I cannot live like this. I need to find some time for myself so that I can be the mom that my kids need. So I can be the mom I want to be. I am going to work on this. I plan to get the kids into a summer school program that will be two weeks out of the summer or for two days a week throughout.

I want them to have that.

I want them to experience another teacher, a school environment, and to meet other kids. I plan to use that time for myself. It will be new and challenging, but I think I need to try it for all of us. I am also going to get Daniel a tutor as soon as possible.

I think this will be good for both of us.

He needs to become more independent of me. He does exceptionally well with teachers when he is one on one with them. I think it will be so good for him. I am also going to ask my grandma if she would watch the kids for me maybe an hour a week. I think it would help me a great deal just to get some time alone without having to worry too much.

I am prone to worrying so I am sure I will a little.

I had to write this out because in the past I have beat myself up for having a meltdown. I have felt so horrible and ashamed for having such outbursts. I need to acknowledge that I feel overwhelmed and the only person who is going to fix it is me. The issue is that I do not know how and the more I tell people crying out for help the less I feel heard.

I do not know what else I am supposed to do.

I am overwhelmed with taking care of this house, making all of the meals and snacks, doing the kids school, trying to work through past traumas and deal with everyday social challenges. I am trying to find ways to help myself, but I do not get any time to do that. The free time I finally get, I pour into my creative avenues or writing it out here because if I do not it will swirl, loop, and spiral into more meltdowns or shutdowns.

I suppose in a way this is a venting post.

I really do not know. I am only sharing what is on my mind so I can get back to myself. However, I know that right now I have to make some major changes because I cannot keep this up much longer. I do not have it in me. I am tired and I want to gain my positive energy back so I can focus on my kids. In order, to make that happen I have to find ways to take care of myself. I have hard time understanding if I am overreacting with these things as well. I cannot gauge stress properly, but I do know that everyone is affected by stress differently. I have this inner voice that tells me that I am overreacting all the time – I do not think it is a valid voice, but it is very loud.

Anyone else have a meltdown you want to share?

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01/24/13

“What Is The Cat Feeling?”

This week I implemented a new system/schedule for school. It has worked out pretty well. I did not realize it at the time, but it was geared toward my kids being Tactile/Kinesthetic Learners. It makes sense though because I am. I also made a daily checklist that is very direct, simple, and we have a lot of sensory breaks.

I suppose all the stuff I had been reading finally clicked.

I know that since we moved here I have been out-of-sorts in my organizational skills and structure for school. I had a system before we moved, but then, spent too long packing and preparing for the move. The rest of the time I have been adjusting to change and our environment and so have the kids. Our executive functioning was in need of help! I tend to go through cycles of being very good and then, loosing all of my abilities when it comes to executive functioning. I find it frustrating at times.

Anyway here is a great resource that Inner Aspie put together What Is Executive Functioning?

We did have a couple of moments when Daniel was stretched a bit too much. It caused him to be overly sensitive to other things. Such as his social group class that he had yesterday, continued to have technical glitches and it had to end early. He was upset about this because he really enjoys this class, now it has three other boys, and he is excited about talking to his “friends.”

Because of the glitches, he became anxious that his virtual speech session was going to “mess up” too.

The fear soared through his body and he started saying, “I have something wrong with me. My brain is not working right.” He has associated his fears/anxiety with being broken because he cannot make it stop. I will continue to work with him to change this perspective. He does not understand why he feels these things or why it will not stop – for him he just feels broken.

Thankfully, that line of thinking can be continually redirected into positives now that I know he feels that way.

There was awhile before the speech session when he decided that the computer would “never” work again and his classes would “always” mess up. When the time came, he did sit down and tried it for me. I was (am) so proud of him for trying and doing the whole speech session. He did great! He has only been doing these sessions for a couple of months, twice a week and his therapist is so excited at quickly he has progressed.

We have been working on asking questions, learning expression, and being more observant of his environment.

I am thrilled with how the school and the therapists embrace Daniel’s talents and they try to use his interests to help him. They do not try to conform him; they want him to thrive in who he is not “just fit in.” I believe this is why Daniel is learning and absorbing so rapidly. He feels that they are all for him and want him to succeed.

We are on the same page when it comes to helping Daniel.

I did get onto the webcam to tell her that he had a rough time, she considered this while doing the session and changed her course of action. She spent more time making him feel comfortable by having a longer conversation with him. Even after he had a rough time, he went to his speech session and did even more than in his session from the day before.

He asked questions about people’s expressions and asked many other questions.

This is a very big deal considering he was flustered and worried about the computer not working, and he also did not distract himself, instead he directed his energies on interacting with his therapist. I did not go into details in my last few posts about anxiety, but Daniel like myself, will normally fall into negative distractions when we feel anxiety. He did get fixed upon a lighted ball that I ended up getting rid of this morning because it is too stimulating for him and causes him to get headaches.

Before his session, he did not want anything else except the ball.

He stopped focusing on the ball and had a great therapy session. He was still anxious throughout the night, but I continued to remind him of ALL the other classes and sessions that did not have any technical problems. He ended up having a good evening and happily went to bed on his own. (And stayed in bed, falling asleep.)

This morning he came out and sat with me on the couch.

He placed his head on my shoulder, curling up to me under the blanket. Nathaniel (Mr.Cat) was curled up on me on the other side. We sat in silence, then Daniel spoke up. (He initiated the whole conversation!) Here is our conversation.

I just had to share a picture of Mr. Cat.

Daniel: What is the cat feeling?

Me: (Not sure if he said filling or feeling.) Do you mean emotions?

Daniel: No, what is he feeling?

Me: Do you mean like the blanket? What does it feel like for him on the blanket?

Daniel: No.

Me: Ok, happy? I think the cat is feeling happy.

Daniel: How do you know?

Me: Well, he is laying here and he is calm, letting me pet him. And see, look at his face, when I scratch his neck watch his eyes. His body is still and see his tail? It is slowly moving back and forth when Nathaniel does that he is calm and happy.

Daniel: Oh, yes. I see him happy. I am happy and calm too.

Me: You are happy that is great! I am feeling happy too.

Daniel: I am very, very, happy and calm.

We sat talking about how happy we felt and about Nathaniel when he purrs.

Daniel said that he wished he could purr like a cat to show people how he feels happy. Then, we sat quietly again. He spoke up again and asked, “What if there were no tigers? I found this to be an interesting question and I had no idea where it came from. I asked, “Do you mean as if tigers never existed?” He said, “Yes, what if they never were here?”

This led into another conversation.

Me: If there were no tigers, I guess we would have to use our imagination to create them.

Daniel: What does create mean?

Me: It means to make something. Like when we make art, we can take paint, a marker, construction paper, and glue and create a tree out of it. It did not exist before, but when we make it, it exists. We created something. We use our imagination to create something. We can also use words to create stories or poems.

Daniel: How do we use our imagination?

Me: Let’s look outside. I see a lot of snow. Big, white, fluffy snow all over our yard. Do you see it?

Daniel: No. Oh, you are using your imagination. It is not there you are pretending.

Me: That’s right! You can create ideas in your imagination and then, you can make it. Like snow, Ariel and Joshua wanted it to snow, it did not snow so they created snowflakes with white paper and scissors.

Daniel: Oh. I can create?

Me: Yes, you can.

He was done talking about it and decided that it was time for me to make breakfast. Since the kids have been working so hard this week, I could tell that they needed a break. I decided to use math manipulatives and work on some of our fine motor skills today. I decided that we should also make a cake for math and science. It was for the sake of science!!

I thought it might be fun to make necklaces.

As we were making them, Daniel said, “Look mom I am creating. I am creating a necklace.” When he finished he was so proud of what he had made and continued to share with me about how he had created something. This was the first time that Daniel has had a revelation that he thought of something in his imagination and then, created it. He has created many things, but he has never made this connection.

There is so much that is packed into these two days that I cannot break it down simply.

These are complex thoughts that I am positive he has thought of before, but has never been able to articulate. He has expressed himself clearly this week with many things. When he has gotten frustrated at me, he has told me specifically why. When he has gotten frustrated with himself, he has been able to tell me.

This is huge for him.

I believe, actually, I know; that Daniel feels everyone else’s emotions as I do. This week David has been stressed, which makes me stressed. It does not matter if he is at the other end of the house and we do not see each other, I can feel it. The energy swarms round the house and makes me anxious. Daniel is extremely sensitive to my emotions. He will take on whatever I am feeling so I have to work very hard at trying to maintain balance for him and myself.

He feels negative words.

He feels negative vibes and he is unable to discern if they are because of him or not. I was not aware of how much he does this until recent months when I have come into a better understanding of how I do this myself with others. I am learning to discern between my emotions and others – I am also learning to ask what is wrong or if I can do anything, instead of automatically assuming that it is me.

I am trying to help Daniel learn this as well.

The sooner he understands this I think it will help him comprehend that he is not at fault and that he is not responsible for anyone’s emotions. I also believe it will help him in some areas with social confusion. I know that it has helped me tremendously. I am so excited to have these conversations with Daniel. I am so happy for him because he is getting confident in expressing himself. He is sharing his thoughts and becoming more and more comfortable with sharing with others besides me.

This week has had so many great accomplishments with school as well, but best of all I have learned about more of the great things that Daniel is thinking about.

Pictures!

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

Continued from, Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

He has been putting in a lot of effort and energy at to try not to have outbursts. He does not want to have him. He has expressed that clearly to me. He does not like it, but this has been the only way he knew how to express himself. He only started using complex sentences when he six, that is two years that he has been working on other language skills.

As he gains better language/communication skills, he is able to tell me these things more and more.

I do not expect past behaviors or coping mechanisms to change overnight. I do not expect it to one-day end. (I still have my own outbursts and meltdowns.) Yes, some of this started as a tantrum, but it escalated into a meltdown. There are moments that it can be controlled, to a point, and moments when it cannot.

It takes a lot of patience, empathy, and sympathy.

I do not always have them, but I try. Some days I am great other days I am not. This is hard for me because I do start to internalize and speak negatively to myself if I lose my patience. I know that Daniel does this to himself too when he has a meltdown or gets angry. I have learned to accept that emotions, reactions, and even behaviors cannot be thought of in extreme or black-and-white thinking. Daniel and I are both learning, thankfully, I have positive tools to help us.

When he woke this morning, it was as though he had a hangover.

Yet, he was still in good spirits everything was going well. Then, he and Joshua started talking about the toys, all I heard was Joshua’s innocent statement, “Well, Daniel you have the spider.” That was it. It took nearly two hours to get Daniel refocused and ready for school.

During, that time Daniel expressed some very important things.

I was able to get confirmation of how I thought he internalized things. I heard firsthand how he was filtering through inaccurate perspectives, at least with this situation. I am certain that it is a regular occurrence, but I had not heard him say it aloud.

1. He told me that I caused him to become overloaded and that caused him to have meltdowns.

When I explained to him that I did not cause him to be overloaded, and asked him to recall all the times that he has responded this way, he realized the common trigger – these types of toys. It frustrated him, but he could not say that it was not true. I let him be frustrated and work through that.

2. He then, told me that he was broken. He did not understand why his brain was broken.

I explained to him that he is absolutely not broken. I continued to reassure him that none of this was his fault and that he had done nothing wrong when it came to the toys. I did address his behaviors toward me that were not acceptable. I made very clear distinctions.

3. He would calm down, but then, he would loop right back to the toys. He said things like, “I am never going to get it. I will always not have them.”

I told him the rule once again, about completing school and then, getting it for 15 minutes and that I did not say never or always.

4. He told me that he did not like that.

I told him his choices were 15 minutes after school was completed each day, or not at all.

5. He felt out of control again and I had to put him in his room.

It is an open area in the middle of the house, there are no doors, and it can be disturbing to everyone when he is upset. Joshua had a class that was about to start so I really tried to help Daniel calm down. It did not work, I needed a break, and David came in while I went outside for a minute. When I came back, Daniel was calm on his bed. I went to talk to him again.

6. He told me that I was too loud. He then, said, “I do not know why, I am broken. I do not know why my brain will not work.” and that he was afraid of daddy. (It is hard to know if I was actually too loud because he is highly sensitive to sound, Ariel and Joshua did not say I was so it could have been too much processing and sound sensitivity.)

He started to get upset with me again. I kept everything simple, direct, and reassured him. I then, scooped him up and took him to David’s office so we could take care of his fear right away. We explained again about the toys and that he did not need to be afraid of daddy. David reassured him and Daniel stayed and talked to him while I went to help Joshua with class. When I came back, David shared with me some other things that Daniel said.

He expressed again, that he did not know why his brain was broken.

David explained to him that he was not broken. He used the example of people who have a peanut allergy. He told him that they may like peanuts, but they cannot even get near peanut butter because it can cause them to swell up or get very ill. He told him that there is nothing wrong with them. Their bodies are just unable to tolerate peanuts. Daniel also said, “I do not know why I am different.” David told him how everyone is different. There is no one the same and it is good to be different.

When I came back, he seemed much better.

I asked him if he wanted to go eat breakfast, he agreed. I thought about what he was excited about this week. He was very excited about all of the items we got for OT sessions. I pulled out the putty and asked him to get the pennies out. I told him what a great job he did with all of those things he did with his OT. I pulled each thing he had done and told him what a great job he did and how awesome he is. He started to say things like, “I am so good at this. Look, mom, look at how I good I am.” Then, other things like, “I am good at a lot of things.”

I look at all of this and I have to say I am ecstatic.

I would prefer my child not to have to go through all of this. I would prefer not to go through some of this stuff, but it happens. I do not dwell on that. I am too happy that my son who has been unable to tell me how he feels IS telling me. I have the opportunity to help him! He does not have to go through life believing negative things. Well, they may continue to creep up, but if he feels able to talk about them that is one step closer to distinguishing between negative thinking and realistic thinking. I am so excited that he is feels comfortable enough to express himself. That he is gaining confidence. That he is excited about talking to others instead of, feeling as if he can’t. I cannot wait to hear what he wants to share next. It can be very challenging, but all of this is such wonderful progress for him.

It is too exciting to experience Daniel’s mind – it overrides any frustrations and gives me that boost to anticipate great things daily.

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

Since last week, Daniel had some significant changes happen with his communication. He has responded rapidly to his speech therapy. This past Monday, his OT session gave him a boost of confidence. The one-on-one time with the therapists has given him practice with communicating and he has immediately applied what he has learned.

He has been initiating conversation in his social skills group with the other kids and the teacher.

All of this has given him confidence in ways that I had not expected. It has given him the ability to articulate specific feelings or thoughts that he has been having that I was unaware of as well. His progression has been rapid and it is very exciting for him, his therapist, and ME! (Clap, clap, clap) Everything that we have worked on, such as other people’s emotions, past tense verbs, asking questions, and remembering names, things like that have opened up a whole new world for Daniel.

She has used stuffed animals and doll-like items to ask him their expressions, this works!

All of the other body language, moving eyes, lips, eyebrows, foreheads, voice tones, words etc… are eliminated and the expression is all that he has to focus on. This helps him a great deal. It has helped him express his own emotions, as well as being able to read some of our emotions properly.

He has felt so confident that he has shared with me what he is feeling.

I will get into that a little more in a minute. I want to share his amazing accomplishments with school first. During the first semester, Daniel would go to his virtual class, but refused to interact or participate. He seemed to get frustrated, but I was not exactly sure why. I felt that because he did not know how to interact and heard other kids participating, including Ariel who participates all the time that it made him feeling bad.

I was not sure, but now I know that is what it was.

I know that he had many thoughts running through his mind, but he could not get them to come out. He did not know how to tell me, or even what he felt himself. I know what that is like, not only is it frustrating, but it can cause serious self-esteem issues and anxieties. He is discovering his way of communication by using his special interests.

On Tues., he had his regular class, which happened to be math – we are doing geometry.

Daniel LOVES geometry. I used it to convince him to participate in class. He was excited and could not wait to talk to his teacher and answer some questions. It took a while, he waited (kind of patiently), but told me that it was taking too long. I messaged the teacher and asked if he could answer a question. She opened up the microphone for him to speak, BUT the connection would not work.

This problem has been happening off and on this week.

He has been frustrated, but worked hard each time to get refocused and try again. This was the last straw. He was so upset. It took so much for him to get to that point to try and then, the computer glitch just caused a spiral. I was so for sad him. I could do nothing else, but try to comfort him.

I reassured him and told him he could try again on Thurs. he agreed to try again.

I emailed the teacher what happened and told her that I was going to try to get him to try again. She was ready today. She let him answer the first question. HE DID IT! He said, “Hi,” talked to her a little bit, and then, answered the question. YAY! Woot! He was so proud of himself. His teacher told him how great he did and so did I.

These are some fantastic things.

I am so proud of him, more importantly he is proud of himself. However, there have been some rough times in the last two days. It opened my eyes to just how much he has been reading our emotions inaccurately. He has assumed any perceived negative emotions to be because of him.

Part of the reason for his rough time is because of all the progress he has been making.

It takes so much; he has been putting in so much effort, and succeeding. However, all of the processing leads to certain behaviors. One can be negative types of stimming. He was doing great, with the exception of the cotton balls.

That is until, yesterday after they received several boxes of gifts from one of their grandma’s.

We did not know what were in the boxes, had we known we would not have allowed them to open them until we could examine the toys. We were happy for the surprise gifts, but certain toys we simply cannot allow Daniel to have because of the unhealthy fixation that he has and the over stimulation.

There are certain types of toys that make him unable to control his behaviors.

They are like a bad drug. He cannot get enough, he will not stop until he makes himself sick, and he will spiral into meltdowns. I had hoped that it would turn out ok. I let him have two of the toys with the hope that if I regulated his time and he took breaks that he would be ok.

The toys caused him to become over stimulated and then, angry.

He stopped drinking, he stopped eating, he stopped going to the bathroom, and he refused to do anything else except play with the toys. It was a remote control car. It was loud, had wheels that lit up, and that spun very fast, along with a remote control spider that moved quickly and was very loud as well.

When they did not work the way he expected he got upset.

This happened several times throughout the day, escalating to the point of complete meltdown. I had no other choice, but to put the toys in the garage. I explained to him for almost two hours why he could not have the toys and the reasons that they affect him in negative ways.

He sobbed, screamed, and got angry with me.

He blamed me, claiming that it was my fault entirely. I continued to wait for moments for when I could explain and he was able to hear (understand) to me. Finally, I told him that I would let him see the toys for 15 minutes each, AFTER he completed his schoolwork. This was a satisfying solution for him.

He settled and went to bed for me.

I sat and stared at the TV because I was exhausted, but happy because he used new coping mechanisms to calm himself down. He took control of his actions on his own,chose to sit with me, and tried to listen. He also initiated an apology on his own.

I reiterate this is hard work for him.

The rest of the story… Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Tag Archives: homeschool

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Keeping It Light!

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