12/10/12

I Am So Glad I Did It!

There is something that I really like about being sick and that is that my anxieties seem to quite down. I become bolder and unafraid of the hidden unknowns that usually lurk about in my brain. All of the “what if’s” seem to find their calm when my head is fuzzy and I feel loopy. I know this part of me and I have seen her on many occasions, but she seems to come out with great boldness when I am sickly.

Daniel does better with his anxieties also when he is feeling under the weather.

However, there is a whole round of other issues with him when he is sick. Unless, it is something other than sinus/cold related he and I both seem to be very happy when our heads are all congested and dizzy feeling. Though we are miserable, it feels as though it is blocking our normal sensory processing dysfunctions and allows us to have some joy. It is all very interesting.

Having my anxieties suppressed a little gave me the ability to step out and face a fear.

I noticed the other day on my facebook some information about my friend I had written a post about here and here. She did not unfriend me so I guess that was good.(?) There was a loss in her family, but also it was announced that she and her husband were having a baby(ies). I could not stay quiet because I had talked to her on numerous occasions about her husband’s sister who was battling breast cancer and my friend’s strong desire to have children.

I prayed for them about both situations.

It was a struggle that she shared with me about having children and at one point, she was not sure if she would ever have children. It broke my heart and I do recall one night after leaving her when I drive home in tears yelling at God because I felt like he was not listening… again. (I am not going into where I am at with prayer and my beliefs and such, I am in a different place all together, but I still have my moment when I get angry with God because I prefer to take it out on him than people.) I felt an overwhelming feeling to tell her that I was sorry for their loss and congratulate them on being pregnant with twins.

I kept it short and honest.

I told her I was not sure how to talk to her because I had not received a response from my last email and then shared a short sympathetic response as well as an excited “Yay!” type of response about their pregnancy. I let it go after I sent it and to my surprise, I got a response back. She told me that she never got the email somehow it ended up in her spam.

I stopped my analytical mind from dissecting everything.

You know, all of the questions about how it never ended up there before why would it now type of thoughts. I had to let go of the hurt feelings as well about her not telling me about the pregnancy, I had few emotions overwhelm me and fill me with loads of questions. I read her email once, panicked and logged out of my email then, went and folded laundry. Lol! I came back today to read it again. It was a very positive email and made more sense as to what happened during that time.

She even validated feelings that I did not express to her.

She understood without me saying a word that it took courage for me to email her with the perceived rejection and how it must have felt awful and been very confusing. I thought we had a good friendship that is why it was so hurtful and confusing. It does not help that it is a pattern with my relationships. People do cut me off without any communication. The other day there was a question posted in an autism group that asked something to the affect, “Do your relationships feel one-sided?” My feelings were a resounding, YES! My relationships all fail unless I continue the interactions. I must be the one to call. I must be the one to email. I must be the one to connect. If not I become invisible, but the issue is I am horrible at all of those things.

I will not do it.

I will become too anxious. I will worry about becoming a burden. I will assume that the relationship is over because I never hear from them. However, there is another question to ask, why do most of the relationships I end up in require me to do all of the communication and connecting? Another question arises too, in other relationships the other person became too intrusive, clingy, always contacting me, which led me to end the relationship, why do I attract “all or nothing” types of relationships? The reason I felt that this friendship was a healthy one was because during our two-year time this was mutual. Neither one of us was overcompensating in anyway. We met when we could. We emailed when we could. We made connections when we felt it had been too long. Things that “normal” relationships do. It is a huge relief to know that she did not just cut me off or forget about me like so many others have done in the past.

I am thankful to have this friendship to look at once again as a healthy and positive one.

It restored my hope again in “real” life relationships and helped me to stop some of my jaded thinking toward church people. I try very hard not to generalize, but I have to say in my lifetime of being around church people, I have many more negative experiences than positive ones. I wish it were not the case – I really do. I am very glad that I stepped out, listened to my heart, and emailed her.

The unnecessary baggage that I took on has been lifted.

Confusion has been lifted and most of all I was able to write out those two posts I shared above that brought me tremendous healing. I see all of this as great life lessons and structures in building my foundations for relationships. That is something I have never had. It all helps me establish what relationships are good for me and which ones are not. It helps me gauge healthy and unhealthy thinking patterns.

This all built up my confidence and I am happy that I did not stay quiet.

Since I am feeling all brave, tonight I am also going to step out and go to a spin class that is starting. They started the class sooner than expected so I decided that is it, I am going. I am doing this even after, I took the kids to my aunt’s house yesterday for my cousins birthday, and Friday I am supposed to go out to dinner with my aunt and sister. I am a social butterfly! I hope my sickness continues to suppress my anxieties and I do not get “social overload!”

Christmas is coming up!

Then, New Years, which I am looking forward to, but also I am a little freaked out. It will be a ton of family at my aunt’s house. I decided this year though that I might hang out with my family by myself on one of the days, while all of them are in town. It may help me feel connected and not have to worry about all of the “other” social dynamics that go on. If I have that time to adjust then, it may be easier to transition with everyone else. It will also help that I plan on staying connected and hanging out on a few days with my aunt and sister. Anything to help my anxieties and make me feel more grounded! I am SO glad I emailed my friend and I am making these other changes. It makes other changes and transitions that I am making seem not so scary.

Oh, maybe I will keep this sickness through the holidays and stay jolly loopy the whole time! I am trying to be happier this season… see!

I can’t help it, I love this cat! Had to share!

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11/22/12

Sudden Moment Of Peace

For days, I have been battling depression. I have been working hard and stopping negative thoughts and loops. I started to attack my outward appearance; I believe this is for several reasons. I do this during holidays or social gatherings that involve food. I have notices that I gained a few pounds, I need to gain a few pounds, but when this happens, my already low self-esteem has been tampered with and there is a holiday that revolves mainly around FOOD I see 5 pounds as 30 pounds.

There would be nothing wrong with me if I did gain 30 pounds.

However, when you have struggled with an eating disorder your whole life and it has been the only thing that you felt like you could “control” it is a struggle. I have dysmorphia and I have only been able to truly start the healing process several months ago. I have said it before, but in all honesty, I do not know if I will ever see myself in a realistic way. That does not mean that I cannot learn how to see myself in a healthy way. I have been trying hard to stop these thoughts and not allow negative behaviors take over.

I started to loop about my last post too.

There are many things in it that I have struggled with. One is feeling as if my aunt does not know me. I want to clarify. She knows many parts of me. She just does not know these new things about me. How can she? They are still new to me and as much as I try to explain it, it can be difficult for everyone involved. It is going to take time for me and it will take time for her as well. I understand that, but I also had an emotional reaction that I feel that I had every right to express and process. It took me some time to get to that point of feeling settled with everything.

My main struggle with depressive thoughts has been with the people I have lost in the past and the fear of losing people now.

I hate never knowing how someone feels about me and not knowing if they will all the sudden tire of me and be gone. I asked myself why I felt this way last night because I was in a very dark place and could not come out. (I did manage to for a little while, but I awoke to the same heartbreak.) I decided to pick up the book “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Companion” that I got along with the other book – I suppose I may be talking about these books off and on. I do that often when I am processing books like this.

So… I decided to reread the first week “Your Belief System.”

This one asks you to take the week and ponder upon your beliefs. “Let’s first investigate how your belief system influences your thoughts, feelings, and behavior as an HSP.” It is referring to ALL of your beliefs about yourself. What you may have picked up from childhood and on. How have your family, friends, teachers, the media, etc … influenced you. The exercise was to reflect on the values that you were taught as a child and how were any of them translated into ill-adaptive beliefs.

Oh, my goodness I had SO many that were negative.

I made myself think about my wrong beliefs about myself and basically, knocked each one out. It was hard I felt sick. Next I went over week 2 “Making Changes in Your Life.” It is talking about making changes in your life where there is too much stimulation and create an environment with less stress. I then, felt hopeless again because I cannot gain control over all of the stresses in my environment. I feel trapped and unable to do anything about them. I forced myself to go to week three “Glad to Be an HSP.” I started to feel hope again because this section focuses on the positives of the traits. However, I have found it difficult to come up with my positive traits, but that could be because of my current frame of mind.

I was feeling hopeful and skimmed over week four “An Out-of-Balance Society,” again.

I wanted to prepare for week five and went to it (Yes, I was up fairly late last night.) “Informing Others About Your Trait.” I read the first page and started crying. It feels hopeless to tell anyone anything about the way I am. I feel unheard and when I do tell people or try to explain myself, (for the umpteenth time) I feel like a burden. I know that I have to press through this, but I have been knocked down so much in life that I feel as if my self-esteem and self-worth have hit the point of being a thin sheet of ice covering a lake, ready to crack and swallow me up. I am hanging by a thread and I am trying so hard to pull out of this on my own, but it is hard.

I closed the book and went to bed.

I got up this morning tears filling my eyes, but then, I went to my facebook page and the strangest thing caught me. I saw a post from a music page I follow. They said, “This song was #1 in Germany when I was born.”

HA! This brought back some fun memories.

It took me back into the clubs when I was younger. They would play this song many times for the fun of it, but my friends and I loved it. It could have been all the alcohol… Not for me, I just think it is a fun song. I played it repeatedly this morning dancing and clapping. Daniel came and danced with me too for a little bit. I was good for a while after that. I finished making the Thanksgiving meal and grandma came over. I was happy for a while. I actually, had a positive attitude about putting up the Christmas tree. (I do not like to decorate or do trees. It is not an enjoyable thing for me – I normally get very moody and overloaded.) I even managed to not get overloaded and angry putting the lights on the tree – I hate that! Still I was calm and happy. I think it helped baking and cooking that always calms me.

After a little while, the mood came again.

It has been so frustrating because I feel good and positive, but it feels like a battle between happy and sad in my mind. My brain is refusing to live in its usual “happy-sad” state. They are messing with each other! I decided to take a bunch of pictures because that makes me happy. I took several with my cat and I, silly ones and I do believe that I started to annoy the poor fella. Let us all pretend as if he was smiling, shall we? It helped for a while then; I felt really sick and had to lie down for about an hour. I managed to feel better. I got up and played on my Mind Retrofit facebook for a while, wrote a poem, texted my sister back and forth. (She was(is) having a very hard time because this was her first time away from home for Thanksgiving. She did see some of her family for a few hours, my step mom has family here too. She was too upset to come over here. I completely understand that.) Then, all the sudden, as I read through feeds, posts shared by people, and left comments of my own, I was filled with peace.

I even felt comfortable enough to share a “close-up” picture of Mr.Cat and me.

I felt safe and understood enough to share more of me without anxiety. I was also able to share some of my feelings and struggles with my friends. I have such a hard time trusting female friendships, but I am learning that I can trust and be vulnerable without fear. I felt right for the first time in a long time. I do not know how long this feeling will stay, but I am VERY happy to have it at this moment. I have a feeling of being in control. I have a feeling of empowerment. I have a feeling of being scared, but also knowing that I am in for some really big changes in my mind, body, and spirit. I would much rather have my silly self come forth and play for a while. I need some of her for a period of time, but I did watch this video also Pumla Gobodo-Madikizela “Foregiveness.” It is only a little over a minute long, but the words were so powerful and healing that I had to share.

I must share some pictures!

[Show as slideshow]

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12/23/11

‘Twas The Friday Before and All Thru The House

Everyone was looping, and Ariel did see a mouse. Out in the bushes in the backyard. My mind is racing and I was up most of the night. Oh, I am happy for everyone and their celebrating of different holidays and all, but the “spas” spirit that is in operation I would like to see dwindle down a bit. I am not being a Scrooge — I am just ready for the New Year that is all. I am excited for the kids and watching them have so much fun. It has turned into a real joy watching Daniel actually enjoy himself more and more. Each year he has gained more understanding of what holidays are and how much fun presents are. I watched a video of them when they were two years old at Christmas, Joshua was six months old.

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally.

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven. I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

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12/21/11

Perfectly Worded!

I love it when this happens. If I am feeling some way or I am feeling a little insecure about what I share then poof another blog post is written by someone or I discover an article, book, song, or movie that takes it all away. The words articulate what I am feeling or confirm what I am feeling, and it helps me process. I was feeling much better after I wrote my last post about crying, it helped a great deal to write and understand myself. In the past I would waste time on negative self talk, asking myself what was wrong with me or tell myself that I was being ridiculous. I am not ridiculous, what I feel and go through many others do too.

This morning I went on fb.

I really do not know why I usually do not go on there very often during the holidays — I find all of the “new” loving, sweetness, and holiday cheer, to be disturbing at times. My feeling is that it feels insincere, and trite. Not everyone, just particular groups of people that I have to be friends with. Rant much? Anyway, I went on there and looking right me was this A Letter to the Lonely. It speaks with great clarity the feeling of the holidays for me.

This year is very different from my holidays past.

Despite still feeling alone, I know that I am not alone. I wrote the other post because I know this year that others do feel like I do even if I feel like I am the only one. This year I am happy, I have not felt any sort of happiness in past holidays for a very long time. I am happy because I know that I am not the only one feeling the way I do. I have people out there who I do not see or talk to on a regular basis, but I feel connected to them. The feeling of disconnect makes everything feel lonely. This year I understand that I get overloaded, and I am allowed to express it.

I am allowed to share my feelings, tears, laughter, and frustrations.

This year I am happy because I understand myself a little bit better, and I am ok. I know that I am always going to feel like I do not belong because I don’t. No matter how much I try, I will not understand the world around me. I can get educated and comprehend to some degree, but I will never “get it” completely. Every holiday I am usually alone on my computer or cooking, and I leave David with the kids. The holidays are the only times that David stays down all day long. I get to do what I want…mostly. I still do all of my mommy duties, but I get a little bit of time.

I really don’t mind being alone, it’s the feeling like I am alone that gets me.

Gaining the perspective that others feel this way too somehow makes it alright. I just feel much better this year. I don’t know how to explain it, other than I am calmer and more at peace. I am alright with having a shutdown or a meltdown. I have shed a lot of tears over several months now, but all of them have been mixed with laughter. They have been healing tears, tears that I have held in for decades. They are happy tears from decades of confusion rolling off of me. I cried before, but I never released them. I still held on to all of the things that the tears represented. This year I have been letting them go, they took flight, and caught some other’s tears along the way.

I took back my holiday months so far, we’ll see how I do for New Years.

It will be 2012 and I am excited about a 20 and a 12 being in the picture they are both lovely numbers. I am happy about Daniel drawing some great pictures yesterday too. This is HUGE! I think around April he started drawing circle faces, and I was so excited about that. Now he has progressed to a bear, a Santa, a ginger bread house, and what he calls “my designs”. They are great! Joshua has progressed in his drawings as well so I must show his creations. And Ariel continues to get very detailed and expressive in her drawings.

Their pictures make me so happy! (I have a ton…big surprise!)