There is something that I really like about being sick and that is that my anxieties seem to quite down. I become bolder and unafraid of the hidden unknowns that usually lurk about in my brain. All of the “what if’s” seem to find their calm when my head is fuzzy and I feel loopy. I know this part of me and I have seen her on many occasions, but she seems to come out with great boldness when I am sickly.
Daniel does better with his anxieties also when he is feeling under the weather.
However, there is a whole round of other issues with him when he is sick. Unless, it is something other than sinus/cold related he and I both seem to be very happy when our heads are all congested and dizzy feeling. Though we are miserable, it feels as though it is blocking our normal sensory processing dysfunctions and allows us to have some joy. It is all very interesting.
Having my anxieties suppressed a little gave me the ability to step out and face a fear.
I noticed the other day on my facebook some information about my friend I had written a post about here and here. She did not unfriend me so I guess that was good.(?) There was a loss in her family, but also it was announced that she and her husband were having a baby(ies). I could not stay quiet because I had talked to her on numerous occasions about her husband’s sister who was battling breast cancer and my friend’s strong desire to have children.
I prayed for them about both situations.
It was a struggle that she shared with me about having children and at one point, she was not sure if she would ever have children. It broke my heart and I do recall one night after leaving her when I drive home in tears yelling at God because I felt like he was not listening… again. (I am not going into where I am at with prayer and my beliefs and such, I am in a different place all together, but I still have my moment when I get angry with God because I prefer to take it out on him than people.) I felt an overwhelming feeling to tell her that I was sorry for their loss and congratulate them on being pregnant with twins.
I kept it short and honest.
I told her I was not sure how to talk to her because I had not received a response from my last email and then shared a short sympathetic response as well as an excited “Yay!” type of response about their pregnancy. I let it go after I sent it and to my surprise, I got a response back. She told me that she never got the email somehow it ended up in her spam.
I stopped my analytical mind from dissecting everything.
You know, all of the questions about how it never ended up there before why would it now type of thoughts. I had to let go of the hurt feelings as well about her not telling me about the pregnancy, I had few emotions overwhelm me and fill me with loads of questions. I read her email once, panicked and logged out of my email then, went and folded laundry. Lol! I came back today to read it again. It was a very positive email and made more sense as to what happened during that time.
She even validated feelings that I did not express to her.
She understood without me saying a word that it took courage for me to email her with the perceived rejection and how it must have felt awful and been very confusing. I thought we had a good friendship that is why it was so hurtful and confusing. It does not help that it is a pattern with my relationships. People do cut me off without any communication. The other day there was a question posted in an autism group that asked something to the affect, “Do your relationships feel one-sided?” My feelings were a resounding, YES! My relationships all fail unless I continue the interactions. I must be the one to call. I must be the one to email. I must be the one to connect. If not I become invisible, but the issue is I am horrible at all of those things.
I will not do it.
I will become too anxious. I will worry about becoming a burden. I will assume that the relationship is over because I never hear from them. However, there is another question to ask, why do most of the relationships I end up in require me to do all of the communication and connecting? Another question arises too, in other relationships the other person became too intrusive, clingy, always contacting me, which led me to end the relationship, why do I attract “all or nothing” types of relationships? The reason I felt that this friendship was a healthy one was because during our two-year time this was mutual. Neither one of us was overcompensating in anyway. We met when we could. We emailed when we could. We made connections when we felt it had been too long. Things that “normal” relationships do. It is a huge relief to know that she did not just cut me off or forget about me like so many others have done in the past.
I am thankful to have this friendship to look at once again as a healthy and positive one.
It restored my hope again in “real” life relationships and helped me to stop some of my jaded thinking toward church people. I try very hard not to generalize, but I have to say in my lifetime of being around church people, I have many more negative experiences than positive ones. I wish it were not the case – I really do. I am very glad that I stepped out, listened to my heart, and emailed her.
The unnecessary baggage that I took on has been lifted.
Confusion has been lifted and most of all I was able to write out those two posts I shared above that brought me tremendous healing. I see all of this as great life lessons and structures in building my foundations for relationships. That is something I have never had. It all helps me establish what relationships are good for me and which ones are not. It helps me gauge healthy and unhealthy thinking patterns.
This all built up my confidence and I am happy that I did not stay quiet.
Since I am feeling all brave, tonight I am also going to step out and go to a spin class that is starting. They started the class sooner than expected so I decided that is it, I am going. I am doing this even after, I took the kids to my aunt’s house yesterday for my cousins birthday, and Friday I am supposed to go out to dinner with my aunt and sister. I am a social butterfly! I hope my sickness continues to suppress my anxieties and I do not get “social overload!”
Christmas is coming up!
Then, New Years, which I am looking forward to, but also I am a little freaked out. It will be a ton of family at my aunt’s house. I decided this year though that I might hang out with my family by myself on one of the days, while all of them are in town. It may help me feel connected and not have to worry about all of the “other” social dynamics that go on. If I have that time to adjust then, it may be easier to transition with everyone else. It will also help that I plan on staying connected and hanging out on a few days with my aunt and sister. Anything to help my anxieties and make me feel more grounded! I am SO glad I emailed my friend and I am making these other changes. It makes other changes and transitions that I am making seem not so scary.
Oh, maybe I will keep this sickness through the holidays and stay jolly loopy the whole time! I am trying to be happier this season… see!
I can’t help it, I love this cat! Had to share!