I am processing a lot in this post – I hope to calm myself a little. I feel as though the world is ending – everything is exploding all around me and negativity is trying to consume my thoughts. At the same time, I am excited, full of joy, and quite giddy. I tend to have no sense of awareness of my stress. I do not feel stressed, however, when I watch a comedy show with friends gathering together calling for Holiday lights to be turned on and I begin to tear up I know something is wrong. Only a couple of weeks ago, David said that we needed to buy a new Christmas tree because ours is ruined from the leaking garage here.
“I do not want to waste any money on a tree. We do not have money for that.” David’s response, “I want a tree and the kids really like having a tree.” In my ever so understanding voice, (not really) I said, “We’ll just get a stick from the yard and put some tinsel on it.” I did immediately, realize how ridiculous that was, but a tree is not a priority to me. Um, yeah we will be getting a tree. I share that to give you some insight to how much I am not the decorating Christmassy light type of person so for me to tear up at friends trying make Holiday lights come on and be all winter fest cheery is not something that moves me.
My moods have been floundering all over the place the past two weeks.
I have such difficultly remembering that things affect me especially, if I am on some sort of mission. Such as trying to stay on track for school and planning this move at the same time. I ordinarily, struggle with being “aware” of the things that affect me, but in these circumstances, I forget just how much certain things send my mind and body into distress. A major contributor is that most of my stuff is in boxes. All of my treasures and safe things that I keep around me for comfort are packed away in boxes. I do have a couple of things still out to help me, but it is not the same. My stuff is gone!! I need my stuff!!
In the past, I found ways to handle this much better.
I would pack and move the boxes out of sight. I could use a garage, a second bedroom, a basement, anywhere except in my direct path of vision. I cannot do that here. All of the boxes have to remain in the house because the garage leaks and everything will be ruined if I put it out there. I do not have another room to put them in because this house is set up so awkwardly that it does not work. I am usually able to set up the boxes in a neat and orderly way, but I cannot do that here either. I cannot find peace making beautiful straight rows of boxes – if I could do that it would help immensely. It is chaos! I cannot take one room clean it then, leave it as I have done with all of my other moves.
Because I cannot make everything flow systematically, it is making me a nervous wreck.
It feels like I have a whole bunch of little things done, but I have accomplished nothing! I know that I have made huge progress, but I cannot see it. It is as if tiny little messes are all gathering around me, taunting me, and suffocating me. My home is my safe place, when it is out of sorts I am out of sorts. Thankfully, I have done really well. However, I feel the impact of all the tiny things beginning to overflow in my mind. I feel irritable and sad. Daniel has been sick since last week. Ariel started to get sick on Sunday, and today Joshua is starting not to feel well – now we are going to be behind with school … My dad informed me that he had made plans on Sat. (the weekend of my twins’ birthday) because he had not paid attention to the date. Sigh…
He is coming Friday to help and I am pushing their party ahead so he can still keep his plans.
I will add he did not ask me to do that, but I would have had the weight of guilt for him driving out here, helping us move, and then, missing his plans. I did not say my feelings were right, but I cannot add more guilt on top of my already consuming guilt for asking family to help us move anyway. I hate guilt. I hate feeling that our needs are not as important as everyone else’s, I hate that it hurts my inner core to ask for help. (I hate the word hate, but I really do not have a better word right now.) Why do I feel this way? There are so many factors that it requires another full-length post. I digress. My stress is piling up and I did not realize it fully until this morning. It all caught up with me while watching The Color Purple.
The Color Purple? you ask.
Why, yes. This is something out of character for me as well. For one, I was watching TV in the morning. That is not a typical thing for me. Secondly, I know that this movie is very triggering for me, but somehow I lost that “knowing” this morning. It was as if I was purposely trying to feel emotional pain. In a way, I watch certain movies, read certain things, or listen to particular types of music to try to desensitize from my real emotional pain that I cannot readily identify or express. I work hard at trying to redirect it when it seems to be a negative pattern that feeds my obsessive ruminating negative thoughts. When I found myself tearing up once again, to another show I knew I my stress levels were getting a bit too high.
I took a step back and looked at what was happening to my world.
All of my routines have been disrupted, my home is disrupted, my children are disrupted from illness, school is disrupted, and now that I hurt my ankle my workouts which have been the one thing to keep me from boiling over into full on meltdown, is now disrupted. (I sprained my ankle on Sat. I think I am recovering well, but I cannot do my normal routine so it is throwing me off.) My physical environment, my safe place is in an upheaval and this time I have no way to control it. I cannot create a calm peaceful environment among piles of boxes that do not fit together in a neat little tight and lovely puzzle, as I so like to do. Once, we get into the new place – NEW PLACE!
It will be mounds of chaos too.
I have no control over it and now that it has been a month since we have been in that house I am going to have to be reacquainted real quick. Thinking of the new place as much as I want to go and be in there makes me have thoughts of wanting to stay here no matter how unhappy we are just because it is familiar. I cannot manifest wellness and quick recovery for my kids or my ankle. I cannot make my emotions go away from what I feel with family. To top this off David and I have had some serious discussions about our marriage it was positive, but a lot for me to process at the same time.
I also, had a huge break through type of moment that I do plan on writing about soon in regards to the way I have loved people.
Here is another component that I did not realize would bring emotional stress – I watched the documentary Salinger (watching documentaries is one of my stims) little did I know that it would unlock some answers into understanding myself a little more. My other physical stress factor is the change in weather. It puts much strain on my sensory system when the temperatures start to drop. I struggle with sounds very much already, but during the colder months, they feel like ice daggers ramming my ears. The cold feels like shards of glass against my flesh. The cold and damp winds hurt and cause me to tense up which makes movement more of a struggle for me.
Everything in my system feels like it is working harder against Arctic conditions.
If the temperature in the house is off, I am miserable. If it is too warm, I cannot breathe if it is too cold I cannot move. I find the heater to make breathing difficult for me. It can make my chest feel heavy and my eyes burn. There is no winning and it frustrates me. It sounds so trivial when I write it out, but I know that it is not. I watch my kids struggle with their similar issues and I do not find any of it trivial for them. I am trying to keep it all together because I know that if I am feeling all of this so are my kids. In a way, it is good that they are sick because much of their time has been spent in bed or on the couch. They have watched shows and received my constant comfort – they seem to be genuinely happy, though I know that they are all anxious and excited too.
We have Halloween on Thursday.
We start to move and have a mini-birthday party on Friday. Then, we move everything on Saturday and have another mini-party. I feel like we are in one of those water toys when you shake it up and all of the little rings or shapes are floating all around not landing in the right place. That is what it is! I can feel myself reaching a meltdown. In order, to try to make it a little less stressful I decided that I should write this out. I am feeling calmer – still chaotic, but I have decided to be accepting of myself and voice to others what I am feeling just in case I seem to say things or do things that are off. This meltdown may simply manifest as tears and could be eased by scrubbing the oven or cleaning the windows, I am not quite sure yet. Maybe I will be able to keep it together until I can go do some more martial arts/kick-boxing.
Only three more days until we move … I can make it, right??