04/26/13

“I Was Not Raised To Say Good Morning!”

I did say something like that – it is true. It is kind of a funny story, the reason why those words came out of my mouth. It was when David and I had moved across country. We had to live with his mom and stepfather for several months. They were challenging months. One indecent that still sticks out is the day David and I were requested to have a meeting with his stepfather and mom. It was something that I will never forget because it confused me tremendously. Many social situations happened while living there and in that town that awakened me to such utter confusion that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I had never been around such social dynamics and I was traumatized.

On a daily basis, I was confused, hurt, angry, sick, and my head was reeling nonstop trying to make sense of my surroundings. I had no family or friends and only David to rely upon. At least, I understood somewhat the traumas that I felt with my family. They were familiar and I had learned how to protect myself, maybe not in the healthiest of ways, but I could protect myself nonetheless. However, when this situation took place we had only been there a few weeks so I had not spiraled into fear, confusion, and severe anxiety yet.

Back to the story, I will try to stay focused.

There had been several days of tension in the air. I was clueless as to what was going on, but I felt it. It was causing my head to feel dizzy. I did notice that tones, body language, and words seemed different, but I had no idea why. I asked David about it and he did not pay that much attention to it. His stepfather had been in his life for around 23 years. This man violated David and his brother’s space, time, and anything else in their lives that he could. So David was in his own protection mode and knew how to ignore the man, or finds ways to make himself feel better.

The minute I met the man I did not feel comfortable around him.

The only way I could describe at the time was he seemed very negative and grumpy. When he walked into the room, it seemed to zap out all the life in each person. Nothing made him happy, but me being the hopeful naive person I am, I thought we just needed to try harder. I thought maybe David was too negative and possibly God was trying to show us how to be more compassionate. Well, there are times when I just lose all compassion toward a person, especially when I have tried very hard and they accuse me of being disrespectful.

OR rude!

Keep in mind that David and I were in our early thirties when this took place. We were finally able to set a time to meet. It was in the evening, we sat in the living room. I did not know what to expect. I felt like a teenager who was about to be grounded or something, but I had no idea what I had done wrong. I had gone over everything in my head trying to figure out what this was all about. Then conversation started with the stepfather voicing his frustrations at us and feeling as though we were disrespecting him.

I was confused.

Now they told us that we were welcome into their home to stay as long as we needed. As far as I knew, it was rent-free until we were able to get our own place. David and I were still unable to find work, we had only been there a few weeks, and in the midst of that, we had gotten married.

I did not understand what this man was talking about.

Much of it is a blur to me now because I became so angry and confused that the words were jumbled. It came down to this, the stepfather said; he was upset because we did not say, “Good morning” to him every morning. WHAT??? I sat there staring at him in disbelief. He proceeded to share every bit of grievance he had about us not acknowledging him if he came into the room, and being disrespectful by coming and going when we pleased.

David was angry.

I was stumped. He continued with his banter about not saying good morning and I told him, “I was not raised that way.” He shook his head at me and said, “I do not believe you Angel, I saw you with your family when they were here.”These words shot out of my mouth, “That was my dad and step mom! I did not grow up with them. Besides it has taken years for me to even be like that with them.”

I went into HOW I was raised.

I grew up with my mom and in that house you did (do) not talk until after she has her morning tea. There was never a good morning. I was not allowed to say that or ask questions, or request breakfast until my mom had her first cup of tea and cigarette. (I was making my own breakfast by around age 6 or 7, probably earlier but I cannot remember clearly.) What he saw with my dad was years of weekend visits. In my home, you were lucky to get a grunt if you walked into the room. I was constantly told to be quiet, settle down, and stop asking questions. I was told things such as, “I don’t know, I am tired, stop asking me questions, leave mommy alone.” I was not allowed to speak to my mom when she came home from work. I had to give her at least 10 minutes before I bothered her with anything.

My mom was not trying to be mean; she needed that time to process.

She requires uninterrupted time alone to wake up in the morning to adjust to her day. If her routine is interrupted, her entire day is ruined. When she gets home from anywhere, she needs time to adjust. She has to change her clothes; many times, she needs some food, and then, her tea. After that, she is able to function socially. Also in my house, “please and thank you” were not that big of a deal. Other things took precedence.

It wasn’t that I was raised to be rude, but we did not spend our time saying such things.

It was that those words had real meaning to them; they were earned so to speak. My mom did not force me to say them. We said them to each other when we meant them or thought of it. I do think that both of us would have benefited if we had said those types of things to each other more often. We had too many other things on our mind than to think about things like that. It is a little difficult for me to explain.

That is how I was raised.

Not to mention by the time the “stepfather” incident happened, I had been living on my own since I was 18 years-old for the most part. (I had to move back home a few times, but about 6 months was the longest stretch.) I had my own routines. I had lived alone for most of that time, but when I met David, I had been alone for something like a year and half I believe. I could not believe the behavior of a grown man getting upset at such foolishness. However, when I thought about this situation I recalled how many other people have gotten offended at me for not saying good morning.

They have gotten offended at me not addressing their presence.

If I am busily working, I may look up at you, but it is as my mouth is sealed shut. I have no words. My mind is too busy processing other things. If it is first thing in the morning, it is raging with all sorts of thoughts from trying to discern the dream I had to wondering if I can recall some famous event that happened on that day years ago. It could be anything. I could be wondering if squirrels are fidgety or just anxious. I could try to figure out a more efficient way to clean the litter box.

Anything and multiple things are soaring through my brain.

AND let us go ahead and add how I could be freaking out on the inside because I smell someone’s cologne or food on the other side of the room! I could be so focused on not yelling, “What is that god awful smell?” that I just cannot stop all that I am doing and say something to you first. I can usually say it back if someone says it first, I most likely will not say good morning though.

I WILL NOT say that if it is not a “good” morning.

I will say, hi, morning, or give a head nod. I do not get offended if someone does not say it to me. At some point, in the day they will speak to me I am fine with that. Of course, my way of thinking does not work for passive-aggressive types. Their tactics of silent treatment do not work on me. I only assume that they do not feel like talking because when I do not feel like talking I do not talk.

I am not giving the silent treatment.

The point of my story is that I was perceived as rude and disrespectful and I had no idea that the person felt that way. The way that I was raised, it was rude and disrespectful if I did talk before someone else spoke to me. I could not understand his anger or hurt by the situation. All though, the man had other serious issues. He even went after David after he had excused me because of my up-bringing.

He told him, “You know better.”

As if, David was supposed to have made me aware, or something. Um, we were in our thirties! David had been in graduate school for seven years prior, I had been in the workforce since I was 16 years-old, both of us had been married and divorced, AND we lived on our own for years. None of that mattered because he could only see from his perspective, which was distorted by offense. Truth be told, I was offend too because of his offense. People seem to forget about where others are coming from when they are clouded by offense, myself included. I was not raised that way, I was deeply offended at what I felt was childish and ridiculous, but I also tried my best to do small things to help this man feel respected.

He did let us stay in his home, even if David’s mom may have been the driving force behind that.

I still felt that he should be respected and that I would try. I do not think it much mattered though, he is just one of those people that no matter how much you try it is never enough. I will say, it was awkward and a challenge for me to remember to say “good morning.” It still is, it is a challenge for me to remember to say say thank you or other ”polite” things. Not because I do not feel them, quite honestly, the words seem to have lost their weight to me. Any person can say words flippantly and without true purpose – I like to show my appreciation through actions.

It feels more comfortable to me to do something in return for someone than, to only say words. (AND I will not say them unless I mean them.)

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04/23/13

Are You Calling Me & Other Autistics Sociopaths? (Think About It)

I am going there. I want people to think about what they are saying when they say that Autistics “lack empathy.” I have been over this on my blog, and I have shared a several posts revealing how my son Daniel, who is Autistic, shows and expresses empathy along with myself. Autism and Empathy: Dispelling Myths and Breaking Stereotypes , which Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg Editor and Publisher created, is an entire website featuring many posts and articles sharing truths about Autism and empathy. If you are still under the premise that we as Autistics “lack empathy”, I would suggest going to her website to get a more accurate view.

I want to make a strong impression here because I believe we have enough information now to change the perspective.

However, many still believe that we are unable to feel or express empathy. I blame this on the plethora of literature and media that continue to speak about us, without us. In my opinion, I also feel that society tries to blanket emotions as a whole and generalize them into easy compartments that are only defined by what the “group” is thinking for the moment. Interestingly, some people fail to consider how complex emotions are to each individual. Speaking for myself, I find my emotions too difficult to articulate many times because of the complexity that I feel. I work through them in my creative writings because I am unable to discern immediately what emotions belong to me, and what emotions belong to others.

I can pick up the emotions of others without realizing what I am doing.

It has been confusing for the majority of my life. I become greatly affected by events in people’s life or in media. Much of what Eileen Parker wrote in her post Autism, Empathy and Boston is how I felt. I have managed to express my emotions in the most simplistic of terms much of the time. Happy or sad are pretty much my staple expressions of emotions. Last night my friend Lori shared a wonderful post that helped me understand myself in this area a great deal. Go have a read Accepting Emotional Regulation. I have read a few things now that say in order to have empathy for others it is dependent upon understanding your own feelings.

I understand my feelings very much, it is when others get in the mix that I can become confused.

Here is where I am confused now, how can people not understand the negative associations and misinterpretations about Autistics when they claim these things? When will these negative terms start to dismantle and be edited into better terms and understanding in the books and society? Based upon the history of human existence I feel that it will be longer than, we hope.

However, I DO have hope.

I am relying on the numerous Autistic voices stepping up and sharing how they really think, along with our advocates sharing their perspectives. Still, we have a lot of work to do. Today I am sharing what I feel. I want to express clearly, what it means to me when I hear or read about Autistics lacking empathy. It has been burning in my brain for years. For a while, I believed it. I was so terrified that I was a narcissist that I researched what narcissism was just to be clear.

I did a three part series on the difference between narcissists and Aspergers.

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

The more I researched the more I believed that Autistics do not fall under the criteria of lacking empathy.

Something that rang through my brain was how everyday people, who are supposed to have the ability to empathize, are the same people who bully. Bullying is a Group Phenomenon − What Does It Mean And Why Does It Matter? The thoughts flooded my brain about instances when I witnessed someone being bullied and I stepped in to stop it while others stood and watched. I felt what that person was feeling and I could not sit back and let it happen. I have done this in school, at church, and at the workplace. Yes, adults bully and they do it at work.

Is this different from empathy in some way?

I think the definition of empathy is loose and left up to each individual. However, when a person with a degree or medical background claims that they have dibs and somehow work it into our societal jargon we are left with their interpretation. It offends me. It hurts me. It annoys me. Mostly, it has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Even if one says, that they did not mean to imply that Autistics are narcissistic or sociopaths the fact of the matter is that being defined as lacking empathy falls under the criteria of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, as well as psychopaths. These are associated with symptoms of lacking empathy, Autism has been lumped into to that on several resources that I read. They are claiming that we lack the ability to feel another person’s emotions or understand from their perspective, or care?

This has been based upon how we react in situations or what we say?

For instance, instead of emotionally responding instantaneously we start to ask questions that seem inappropriate or we shutdown completely, this is considered showing lack of empathy. For me I may ask questions in order to understand the situation better because in my mind I automatically want to understand and create long lasting helps. I do not do quick fixes. If you are hurt, I want to know the what’s and the why’s to first insure that I was not the cause. If you are excited, I want to know all the details and I mean every detail. Many people just expect you to respond toward them in the way that they would respond.

I do this too.

I still struggle with thinking that people would or should react with empathy toward me the way I expect. That is why I have continued to be baffled at people in general. They will claim that we lack empathy, but they do not try to empathize with our emotions or situations. We are required to be bombarded in sensory assaulting environments and then, if we have a meltdown, shutdown, are cranky, lose our words, or stare blankly we are ruining the fun? If our favorite object breaks or our schedule is suddenly changed, we are supposed to be able to “get a new one” or “get over it” because “it is not that big of a deal.”

Well, those things are a big deal to me and to my son.

To be quite blunt about it by definition, I feel that those who continue to claim that we lack empathy are operating in the very thing I am being accused of.

Let us take a look here.

“Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience accurate sympathy or compassion.” ~ Wiki

Simple enough, huh?

I would like people not to be offended at my words, but once again, to be quite blunt, we Autistics are still being labeled and falsely perceived as lacking empathy. My purpose here is to ask you to stop and think just for a moment. Do you truly understand the meaning of empathy? It is a broad definition based upon your perceptions and wants. How you want to be understood is how you expect others to show you empathy. We all need to take a step back and reconsider our expectations. The generalized conceptions about empathy limits us and does not allow room for growth, self or in our society.

Currently, the generalized attitude seems to be that anyone who lacks empathy lacks emotion, feeling, or the ability to care for others.

That attitude would assume that I am a narcissistic, unfeeling, uncaring droid if I were to tell anyone that I am an Aspergers adult. These words shine such a negative light that it puts me on the defense at times. Why? Because it hurts, makes me anxious and fearful. It makes me feel as though I need to defend the way I think and how I process. It makes me feel isolated and misunderstood. It makes me question my actions and constantly try to evaluate what and how I perceive my world. It makes me worry about how people will respond to my son. I have had a lifetime of being told how wrong I am and people telling me how my actions and words are wrong. I have had to filter through all of that and learn to accept myself.

I have had to wade through all the negative associations toward Autism for my son and myself.

What I do not understand is why people are so quick to assume the negatives about autism. Why are so many people unwilling to use positive lingo instead of painting all of us as dismal way of being. I do not run from the fact that there are great challenges. I live them daily with my son and myself. Some days it is extremely difficult, but I ask how can it get any better when we have to face a world that looks at us with negative eyes. Does the world truly think that we are sociopaths? Do people really believe that we are like robots without emotions? Are we such difficult creatures that we have to be explained in terms as being broken? Is the way we process our world so incredibly awful that all energies must be projected into finding ways to make us more like the general public?

News flash, the general public is hurting.

There are people suffering from all sorts of physical, mental, and emotional issues. Many have no one to empathize with them about their disability, their depression, their anxiety, their fears, their “disorders,” or hurts. There is no one stepping up and saying, “I feel you, let me help.” Many of them are like me, reaching out through the internet because no-one-else in their life understands. These souls reaching out to find others who know what the hell they are feeling and talking about.

Think about it.

If you are reading this, have you stepped into my shoes for a moment? We are being told repeatedly that we need to understand how your world works. It is being demanded that we learn your system that is foreign and difficult for us to understand. We are being requested to change the way we think, respond, and express. BUT people fail to see how hard we have been trying to do just that. We have tried to fit in, belong, understand, be accepted, study and figure out this system of humanity that makes us feel like aliens on our own planet.

There are many reasons why an Autistic person reacts in the way that they do.

Maybe the next time you feel as though the Autistic person is showing a lack of empathy, how about you step back for a moment and ask them directly and clearly, what they are doing. Do not ask broad generalized questions, or tell them that they do not understand. Ask them point-blank “What are you thinking in this moment?” However, if you do be prepared for the possibilities of the most foreign thought you could think of, but know that whatever they are thinking could be a great riddle to solve. It could lead to a grand answer of them expressing such empathy that you would never have imagined. It could happen. You could be hammered with a bunch of questions that could lead to surprising helps that you never would have considered.

You could end up with silence and them walking away.

And the next day their favorite stuffed animal or pair of headphones on your desk. You just never know what exciting empathetic gifts could be given to you. I will share several links to my posts in regards to how Daniel has expressed empathy. I will also, share one trying to express how I do by asking questions. I am going to share several other posts from others as well. I hope that I make sense in this post. It is coming from a slight offense, even though I tried not to be negative. I still, do have my opinion and feelings about this. I respect everyone’s journey and their times that they need to vent. I do not judge condemn, or speak ill of them. I work through my own emotional response and trust in the process of everyone’s journey.

However, I think people need to start critically thinking about what they are saying to an entire population that has been ignored far too long.

Positives About My Autistic Son

“I Do Not Understand”

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

“What Is The Cat Feeling?”

My Autistic Son Comforted Me Today

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Things that I read.

How I Experience Empathy

Autism, empathy, and violence: One of these things doesn’t belong here

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind (Sharing this one again!)

A Radical New Autism Theory (Radical??)

How to Test Your Empathy

It’s Hard to Live with Someone Who Lacks Empathy

Empathy

10 things not to say to someone with Asperger’s

How to Relate to Someone who Has Asperger’s Syndrome

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04/9/13

Peace? (& Ramblings I suppose …)

(I wrote this yesterday, but I did not get a chance to read it over until today. It is not real time! Aaa! I have no idea why I have to share that, I just do. )

I could go into so many directions with this post, even as I write I am not exactly sure where I am going. Today is a very odd “vibe” feeling kind of day. I feel good, in a way I guess I could describe it happy, but I do not feel emotions the way others describe them so I suppose it is an Angel Happy. It is a much better feeling than, months ago when I was only able to feel happy-sad at the same time. I have managed to separate the two in some way. However, I do feel on the verge of anxiety and a bit of sadness, but I think the anxiety is triggering the sadness.

The morning started really great.

I then, had an interaction with David that was not bad or anything but, it is something that happens quite often. He speaks as if he knows information on a topic that I know full well he does not because I have researched and know more about the accurate data than, he. When I say anything, he gets frustrated and I get frustrated because he adds information into the mix that I never said and I have no idea where it comes from.

It really was no big deal, but my mind could not let it go.

I knew that it was nothing to make an issue out of, but it is something that has personally happened to me AND I have researched it. The topic was stalking. Many people are unaware of the issues of stalking or the dangers. I did not understand that my own experience with having a stalker contributed to my PTSD symptoms.

I did not even realize I was being stalked!

I knew that the behaviors of the individual were freaky and made me scared, on edge, paranoid, and angry, but I did not understand that I was being stalked. An ex-boyfriend stalked me for several years and later his unstable girlfriend turned into wife, who thought I “wanted her man”, stalked me. I think she understood after I looked her into the face and said, “I don’t want anything to do with him and you shouldn’t either. He is a liar, abuser, and womanizer who will never stop.” She stayed with him; I have no idea what has happened since then. (It was around 1997, I believe.)

I feel it is an important issue so I will link to several other resources about stalking below.

And because I have had such a hard time letting it go (from my conversation with David) here are some statistics. I will also address that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, as well as Parkinson’s Awareness Month. (I am linking to a blog friend of mine who is an amazing artist and is diagnosed with PD.) The theme for Sexual Assault Awareness Month campaign is “It’s time to talk about it.” (Talk early, talk often. Prevent Sexual Violence.) I am not ready to talk about things openly. I will when I am ready, but it may not be through this blog. I do not know and I do not have to know. Oops, I may have deviated into another chunk of thought…

Wait, if you would like to be caught up on all the awareness that goes on each month go here List of commemorative months.

I am mind jumping back to my earlier conversation. After the interaction, I felt a bit; scratchy is the best I can describe. I felt off and in my mind, I had to say several things to finally be able to move on. Such as, “You are aware that I never said, 1 in 5. Those words never came out of me. You do know that right?” He just looked at me and laughed and said, “You are still stuck on that.” I have a sneaky suspicion that he knew I would be stuck. :-/ Anyway, I moved on from that and knew that it was not that big of deal. Then, I went to Facebook still feeling chipper, but a little off.

I started to feel VERY off.

I can see a clear pattern in myself when I go onto facebook when feeling shaky and on the verge of anxiety. I start to notice things that may or may not be true and even if they are WHO CARES! Why, does it bother me? It doesn’t unless I am feeling off. I do not even notice it until I am feeling off. I have been incredibly social; I just had a great time with my family (which I plan to write about later) on Saturday. I had a great spring break with the kids. I completed my fourth poetry book, which is a huge goal I had, I accomplished many goals I set out to on a personal level and for my kids, AND I cleaned the house yesterday.

I think my mind may have a lot to process.

I went blank when I read a question that was asked by Sam Craft at Everyday Aspergers, “When are you most at peace?” I went blank. I looked outside at my yard and thought, “I never feel at peace.” I feel still and like now calm, focused, positive, optimistic, goal-orientated, but I do not feel peace. What does peace even feel like? I do not know. However, as I read some of the comments that people shared it occurred to me I feel somewhat of what they describe when I write. When I write poetry, stories, or even now. I feel complete, calm, whole, and right, it feels like fluidity and natural within my body. I also feel that way at certain times when dancing or exercising, but mostly when I write.

I have found my peace, and I can feel my anxieties slowly passing as I type.

I was not feeling that when I sat here to type out whatever felt like flowing out of my fingertips. I guess, that is why I sat to write. I am on a positive stretch and I want to stay there. I do not want to be consumed with needless anxiety. I do not want to lose the mind balance that I have been able to maintain for the last few weeks.

The kids and I are having some really great days.

I do not want to let some slight misunderstanding or my perceived actions of others on social media to disrupt that. It has been a rough several years, it has been a very challenging couple of years, things are starting to look brighter, and I want to remember that. Anxiety can distort the mind in so many ways, depression does as well, and negative thinking can be anchor into both of them.

I feel like a buoy surrounded by clear water for the first time in a long and I do not want to stop be-popping soaking in the sun!

I know that the links that I am sharing do not have a jolly type of theme, but it needs to be talked about. I find joy in the fact that I am a survivor. I am alive and I am not bound by fears from my abusers or stalkers. Does it stir up fears, you betcha! But they do not bind me and I feel great success in how much I have overcome. I feel very positive, hopeful with my continued progress, and healing. I find comfort and hope in other survivors and their stories when I am not so fragile to be able to read them. If you are in a healthy place and able to share your story, please do. You can help countless faceless people like me!

Here, here to strength, endurance, positivity, and the survivors from all sorts of tragedy who share their stories!

I do not feel so sad now, but I did realize that some of that sad feeling was triggered by the realization that I felt that the conversation this morning reflected that many people do not think about stalking, abuse, bullying, Autism disabilities, neurological disorders, mental illness, cancer, disease, etc … and so on. They assume they know the facts and when they encounter someone who not only has lived it, but has also done the “homework” they still do not listen.

This really had nothing to do with David and our conversation.

It had to do with the fact that people assume a lot of things until it happens to them and then, they realize how much misinformation they have been fed by media and people in their circles. We all have to filter through voices, influences, our faulty beliefs, and seek what is true and what is not. We have to be critical thinkers for ourselves and be compassionate human beings in the process. Well, I will try anyway.

Links in no particular order.

Stalking

Stalking Resource Center

Stalking Awareness

Help for Victims

RAINN

Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Information Packet

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03/19/13

Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

I wanted to share my other post about idealized love, but I still do not feel like it is right. (ready) My head is trying to process “obsessive” love at the moment and how there can be misread signs of an Aspergers person falling into this. I have even questioned myself as to whether I had obsessive love for someone. For me I find that thought frightening – I would never want to be that way toward another human being. I do not believe that I ever have.

The first line of the definition is:

“Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.” I do not feel that Aspergers for the most part are actually doing this in the sense of wanting to “posses” another person. I think we become overwhelmed with emotion for the person and our inability to quickly process or understand our emotions can cause us to become fixated on the person to the point of feeling like an obsession. The initial connection to a person whether a friend or love interest can be new, confusing, intense, and override our senses.

There is also the added lack of understanding of social cues, so we may be obsessed because we do not know how the person feels about us.

That could lead into fears, confusion, and anxieties causing us to misread words, actions, body language, and creating loops about every single encounter we have ever had. I have no clear knowledge on the topic, but it seems like our chemical reactions could go into hyper-drive. Especially, if we have found someone that has perked our interest when so many others seem lackluster and insufficient in comparison to the simplicity we can have simply engulfing ourselves in our special interests. Still I am processing and have no clear ideals or answers so my musings are to help my brain process. Possibly others will gain from my ponderings and whatnot’s.

Alrighty, on to my topic of the day. (May venture into another side topic that is swimming in my head for a brief moment.)

I have been paying close attention to my anxiety triggers for the last month. I have been detailing words and actions that cause a physical reaction in my body in order to discern what is actually happening. For years, I have allowed the physical affects to pass by without any thought. I did not think I could do anything about it. Several years ago, when I started to research anxiety I realized that it could cause certain physical reactions.

I had no prior knowledge about anxiety, really.

I had always assumed that there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was the only one who ever felt that way. This was not the case at first. When I had anxiety as a child I assumed that everyone else felt exactly what I felt and could not understand why they would get so upset, frustrated, or confused by me. It took a while, but I finally concluded that I HAD to be the only one.

Now I know that I am not.

I was so comforted in discovering that others knew what I was and had gone through with my anxiety and panic attacks. It has taken me several years to get to the point where I finally realized that I could detect my triggers. There are several reasons for that, but I will not go into it. SO! Today was the first day that I watched the manifestation of what a trigger could do to me mentally. It may sound strange, but in a way, I stepped outside of myself and paid close attention to what happened to me both physically and mentally.

It started with the trigger.

I was happy this morning. I was feeling really good. Daniel and I went grocery shopping together on Saturday and he did great. We both had fun and we recovered rather quickly from the sensory assaults that attack in a Wal-Mart. Sunday was a great day with the kids and me. Then, Monday we went to a new park and met Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher for the first time, in the physical world. These were some pretty big things in just a few days and everyone was still feeling and doing well. Today, I was feeling a little overwhelmed because I have not had a break in a while. My grandma has been sick and going to my spin class is not really a break because I take Ariel with me so she can get some social time. (And get away from the boys for a while.)

I was still feeling pretty good. I decided to set up eye exams for the kids.

I made the appointments online, which I liked very much. They called me to get everything squared away, we are not set yet, but it is in the works. I share that because one thing that my anxiety can feed on is WAITING! The unknown, the unanswered, the forever-lingering appointments, telephone call, email???? Here is where the trigger comes. I am all fine and dandy be-bopping proud of myself for making the appointments and I go to share. Then, I am told about how so and so went to their appointment and they got a bad prescription when they were a kid and it caused problem.

There was first a bunch of other words spoken that felt like a bunch of bees swarming my head.

When the negative prescription comment was made I felt a tinge in my heart. I say tinge because I do not know how else to describe it. It is the slightest of painful tickle. That is the best I can do. It feels like black and silver prickly thorns barely tapping at my heart.

It does not hurt badly, but just enough to cause an ache.

I tried to combat it with my own confident words knowing full well I am capable of taking my children to the eye doctor and ensuring that they get the best attention and care. I felt confident in myself after the words, but the tinge started to swarm my whole heart. It trickled into my belly. Self-doubt started to creep in. My mind started to wander and I went to facebook, which I knew that I should not go.

It happened!

I went onto facebook and started reading into things that people posted. I started to have the thoughts that I have no friends. That no one notices when I am not around. I stopped and stared at my computer screen knowing full well what I was doing. Instead of feeding it, I made myself sit there and feel it. I accepted the fears and the irrational thoughts of my anxiety. I knew what exactly caused it. My mood went from happy to irritable and somewhat sad. I knew what was happening, but I could not stop it. I decided that I needed to ride it out.

I forced myself not to take things personally that I saw on facebook.

I reminded myself that these thoughts were fleeting and they are not absolute truth. I was doing much better, but still feeling off. This is when I took notice of how I interpreted things that I read. Articles or posts that had the slightest trigger for me caused an instant irritation and a desire to go into a full on 2000 word rant. I stopped myself. Here is my sidetrack moment though. Today I saw this:

“Is your man distant, cold and insensitive? He could secretly be AUTISTIC. Two wives open up about their husbands’ diagnoses”

I will be honest it ticked me off. After my last post, expressing some things in regards to this it just really irked me. I have more in my other post about idealized love too on this topic. I am not going to go into my full rant, but what I would REALLY like to see is some more Aspergers men share their feelings about this.

How do you feel about your spouse or partner feeling this way?

Have they tried to understand you or have they automatically assumed all of your Asperger traits make you distant, cold, and insensitive? Do they have any idea how you show affection? Are all of the issues perceived through their perceptions? Does ANYONE ever stop and think of the WHY an Autistic person may seem distant, cold, and insensitive other than through their own expectations that they claim are not being met?

Look, I know I may sound like I am taking sides here; maybe I am a little bit.

HOWEVER, I ask you for a moment to consider how difficult it can be to go through an entire life undiagnosed. Can you consider for a moment what it is like to feel so incredibly different and not know why? Think about how much of an Autistic person’s life could have been filled with constant confusion and lack of empathy from others.

Then, as an Autistic you are continually told how much you lack empathy or emotion.

Think about our world, our world, our minds do not process or think in the same ways and we are bombarded with this world that we live in telling us how wrong we are for being the way we are. We are told how we need to change to make others feel loved. We need to learn how to express emotion, thoughts, and learn to communicate in ways that can feel foreign and unnatural? I am not against compromise, but I wonder … I wonder.

Sigh … I will stop because I am not sure if I am making any sense.

Back to my anxiety – I am passionate about understanding relationships. I understand both sides for Autistics and nonautisitics. I do realize the difficultly and pain that others may be feeling, but I felt a mass amount of irritation today about it. I felt my belly on fire and I felt like it was an injustice to portray us in such generalized ways. (Well that is injustice.) My agitation was heightened because of my anxiety. I would not normally linger with the feelings of irritation and annoyance. I can usually see their point, have my reaction, and then, quickly move on with sympathy for all parties. My anxiety kept the negative feelings lingering.

By 3:00 pm, I was feeling fatigued and sick.

My brain was fuzzy, my stomach hurt, and I started to have signs of allergy symptoms. Daniel had his tutor coming so I had to keep my social mask on; it was a social encounter by that point I was not looking forward to. It did help that I understood why I felt the way I did. The tutoring session went well, but my sensory sensitivities heightened causing even more irritation. I was starting to get irritated and hurt by her because she kept staring at my birthmark. I normally, hide it pretty well just so I do not have to deal with that too, but I was too tired today.

This caused me to have another trigger of insecurity.

I have so many traumas wrapped up into my birthmark that if I am vulnerable in any way it can send me into tears if someone stares at it. By 4:15 pm, I was ready for bed. Of course, I could not go to bed. I shook it off reminding myself that I have no idea what she was thinking and WHO CARES anyway! I have three little ones to take care of I do not need to concern myself with things like that. Instead, I read books in the living room to them. Daniel was on the chair with me and Ariel and Joshua played while listening.

After dinner, I had to lay on the couch for a little bit.

Ariel lay with me while the boys played and we watched Seinfeld and then, The Brady Bunch because they had never seen it before. Daniel asked me to turn it off. Lol! He said, “I do not like the sound that the show makes.” I am not sure what that means, but I turned it off. After that, I got up did the dishes and decided to take a shower. I felt much better and realized that I should probably document all of this to help me process.

Who knows maybe someone else knows what I am talking about or can relate!

Writing all of this I understand how one perceived negative comment (and bombarding of unnecessary words and negative tales) could spin me into a tinge of anxiety. I now know what it means when I get that tinge in my heart. Since, I allowed myself to “experience” all of this I think I am better equipped to redirect myself next time. I also understand that my many social and sensory situations have made me more vulnerable and sensitive. This week is packed. Grandma is supposed to come on Thursday if she feels well (a lingering unknown), I am still waiting for the exact date of the eye exams, and on Friday they are working on the house. I have to think of something to do with the kids away from the house because they will be putting in insulation, it has to be done inside the house. (Oh, and I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday afternoon.) More lingering unknowns … unsettled anxieties.

Knowing is half the battle!

Some excellent read for the day. (Could[should] bring awareness and perspective.)

There Will Never Be Another You

New Research on Autism and Suicide

Autistic children are 28 times more likely to be suicidal

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

Continued from, Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

He has been putting in a lot of effort and energy at to try not to have outbursts. He does not want to have him. He has expressed that clearly to me. He does not like it, but this has been the only way he knew how to express himself. He only started using complex sentences when he six, that is two years that he has been working on other language skills.

As he gains better language/communication skills, he is able to tell me these things more and more.

I do not expect past behaviors or coping mechanisms to change overnight. I do not expect it to one-day end. (I still have my own outbursts and meltdowns.) Yes, some of this started as a tantrum, but it escalated into a meltdown. There are moments that it can be controlled, to a point, and moments when it cannot.

It takes a lot of patience, empathy, and sympathy.

I do not always have them, but I try. Some days I am great other days I am not. This is hard for me because I do start to internalize and speak negatively to myself if I lose my patience. I know that Daniel does this to himself too when he has a meltdown or gets angry. I have learned to accept that emotions, reactions, and even behaviors cannot be thought of in extreme or black-and-white thinking. Daniel and I are both learning, thankfully, I have positive tools to help us.

When he woke this morning, it was as though he had a hangover.

Yet, he was still in good spirits everything was going well. Then, he and Joshua started talking about the toys, all I heard was Joshua’s innocent statement, “Well, Daniel you have the spider.” That was it. It took nearly two hours to get Daniel refocused and ready for school.

During, that time Daniel expressed some very important things.

I was able to get confirmation of how I thought he internalized things. I heard firsthand how he was filtering through inaccurate perspectives, at least with this situation. I am certain that it is a regular occurrence, but I had not heard him say it aloud.

1. He told me that I caused him to become overloaded and that caused him to have meltdowns.

When I explained to him that I did not cause him to be overloaded, and asked him to recall all the times that he has responded this way, he realized the common trigger – these types of toys. It frustrated him, but he could not say that it was not true. I let him be frustrated and work through that.

2. He then, told me that he was broken. He did not understand why his brain was broken.

I explained to him that he is absolutely not broken. I continued to reassure him that none of this was his fault and that he had done nothing wrong when it came to the toys. I did address his behaviors toward me that were not acceptable. I made very clear distinctions.

3. He would calm down, but then, he would loop right back to the toys. He said things like, “I am never going to get it. I will always not have them.”

I told him the rule once again, about completing school and then, getting it for 15 minutes and that I did not say never or always.

4. He told me that he did not like that.

I told him his choices were 15 minutes after school was completed each day, or not at all.

5. He felt out of control again and I had to put him in his room.

It is an open area in the middle of the house, there are no doors, and it can be disturbing to everyone when he is upset. Joshua had a class that was about to start so I really tried to help Daniel calm down. It did not work, I needed a break, and David came in while I went outside for a minute. When I came back, Daniel was calm on his bed. I went to talk to him again.

6. He told me that I was too loud. He then, said, “I do not know why, I am broken. I do not know why my brain will not work.” and that he was afraid of daddy. (It is hard to know if I was actually too loud because he is highly sensitive to sound, Ariel and Joshua did not say I was so it could have been too much processing and sound sensitivity.)

He started to get upset with me again. I kept everything simple, direct, and reassured him. I then, scooped him up and took him to David’s office so we could take care of his fear right away. We explained again about the toys and that he did not need to be afraid of daddy. David reassured him and Daniel stayed and talked to him while I went to help Joshua with class. When I came back, David shared with me some other things that Daniel said.

He expressed again, that he did not know why his brain was broken.

David explained to him that he was not broken. He used the example of people who have a peanut allergy. He told him that they may like peanuts, but they cannot even get near peanut butter because it can cause them to swell up or get very ill. He told him that there is nothing wrong with them. Their bodies are just unable to tolerate peanuts. Daniel also said, “I do not know why I am different.” David told him how everyone is different. There is no one the same and it is good to be different.

When I came back, he seemed much better.

I asked him if he wanted to go eat breakfast, he agreed. I thought about what he was excited about this week. He was very excited about all of the items we got for OT sessions. I pulled out the putty and asked him to get the pennies out. I told him what a great job he did with all of those things he did with his OT. I pulled each thing he had done and told him what a great job he did and how awesome he is. He started to say things like, “I am so good at this. Look, mom, look at how I good I am.” Then, other things like, “I am good at a lot of things.”

I look at all of this and I have to say I am ecstatic.

I would prefer my child not to have to go through all of this. I would prefer not to go through some of this stuff, but it happens. I do not dwell on that. I am too happy that my son who has been unable to tell me how he feels IS telling me. I have the opportunity to help him! He does not have to go through life believing negative things. Well, they may continue to creep up, but if he feels able to talk about them that is one step closer to distinguishing between negative thinking and realistic thinking. I am so excited that he is feels comfortable enough to express himself. That he is gaining confidence. That he is excited about talking to others instead of, feeling as if he can’t. I cannot wait to hear what he wants to share next. It can be very challenging, but all of this is such wonderful progress for him.

It is too exciting to experience Daniel’s mind – it overrides any frustrations and gives me that boost to anticipate great things daily.

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01/17/13

Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) I

Since last week, Daniel had some significant changes happen with his communication. He has responded rapidly to his speech therapy. This past Monday, his OT session gave him a boost of confidence. The one-on-one time with the therapists has given him practice with communicating and he has immediately applied what he has learned.

He has been initiating conversation in his social skills group with the other kids and the teacher.

All of this has given him confidence in ways that I had not expected. It has given him the ability to articulate specific feelings or thoughts that he has been having that I was unaware of as well. His progression has been rapid and it is very exciting for him, his therapist, and ME! (Clap, clap, clap) Everything that we have worked on, such as other people’s emotions, past tense verbs, asking questions, and remembering names, things like that have opened up a whole new world for Daniel.

She has used stuffed animals and doll-like items to ask him their expressions, this works!

All of the other body language, moving eyes, lips, eyebrows, foreheads, voice tones, words etc… are eliminated and the expression is all that he has to focus on. This helps him a great deal. It has helped him express his own emotions, as well as being able to read some of our emotions properly.

He has felt so confident that he has shared with me what he is feeling.

I will get into that a little more in a minute. I want to share his amazing accomplishments with school first. During the first semester, Daniel would go to his virtual class, but refused to interact or participate. He seemed to get frustrated, but I was not exactly sure why. I felt that because he did not know how to interact and heard other kids participating, including Ariel who participates all the time that it made him feeling bad.

I was not sure, but now I know that is what it was.

I know that he had many thoughts running through his mind, but he could not get them to come out. He did not know how to tell me, or even what he felt himself. I know what that is like, not only is it frustrating, but it can cause serious self-esteem issues and anxieties. He is discovering his way of communication by using his special interests.

On Tues., he had his regular class, which happened to be math – we are doing geometry.

Daniel LOVES geometry. I used it to convince him to participate in class. He was excited and could not wait to talk to his teacher and answer some questions. It took a while, he waited (kind of patiently), but told me that it was taking too long. I messaged the teacher and asked if he could answer a question. She opened up the microphone for him to speak, BUT the connection would not work.

This problem has been happening off and on this week.

He has been frustrated, but worked hard each time to get refocused and try again. This was the last straw. He was so upset. It took so much for him to get to that point to try and then, the computer glitch just caused a spiral. I was so for sad him. I could do nothing else, but try to comfort him.

I reassured him and told him he could try again on Thurs. he agreed to try again.

I emailed the teacher what happened and told her that I was going to try to get him to try again. She was ready today. She let him answer the first question. HE DID IT! He said, “Hi,” talked to her a little bit, and then, answered the question. YAY! Woot! He was so proud of himself. His teacher told him how great he did and so did I.

These are some fantastic things.

I am so proud of him, more importantly he is proud of himself. However, there have been some rough times in the last two days. It opened my eyes to just how much he has been reading our emotions inaccurately. He has assumed any perceived negative emotions to be because of him.

Part of the reason for his rough time is because of all the progress he has been making.

It takes so much; he has been putting in so much effort, and succeeding. However, all of the processing leads to certain behaviors. One can be negative types of stimming. He was doing great, with the exception of the cotton balls.

That is until, yesterday after they received several boxes of gifts from one of their grandma’s.

We did not know what were in the boxes, had we known we would not have allowed them to open them until we could examine the toys. We were happy for the surprise gifts, but certain toys we simply cannot allow Daniel to have because of the unhealthy fixation that he has and the over stimulation.

There are certain types of toys that make him unable to control his behaviors.

They are like a bad drug. He cannot get enough, he will not stop until he makes himself sick, and he will spiral into meltdowns. I had hoped that it would turn out ok. I let him have two of the toys with the hope that if I regulated his time and he took breaks that he would be ok.

The toys caused him to become over stimulated and then, angry.

He stopped drinking, he stopped eating, he stopped going to the bathroom, and he refused to do anything else except play with the toys. It was a remote control car. It was loud, had wheels that lit up, and that spun very fast, along with a remote control spider that moved quickly and was very loud as well.

When they did not work the way he expected he got upset.

This happened several times throughout the day, escalating to the point of complete meltdown. I had no other choice, but to put the toys in the garage. I explained to him for almost two hours why he could not have the toys and the reasons that they affect him in negative ways.

He sobbed, screamed, and got angry with me.

He blamed me, claiming that it was my fault entirely. I continued to wait for moments for when I could explain and he was able to hear (understand) to me. Finally, I told him that I would let him see the toys for 15 minutes each, AFTER he completed his schoolwork. This was a satisfying solution for him.

He settled and went to bed for me.

I sat and stared at the TV because I was exhausted, but happy because he used new coping mechanisms to calm himself down. He took control of his actions on his own,chose to sit with me, and tried to listen. He also initiated an apology on his own.

I reiterate this is hard work for him.

The rest of the story… Some Major Progress YAY!(Not Without Challenges) II

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12/12/12

Not Sure My Point

I have so much going on in my brain that I am having a difficult time getting anything out. Creatively, I have been able to envision things and write them, but I feel reality type things swimming around at the surface wanting to leap out. They seem to crash into each other at some point and cause “mind blockage.” When my reality and fantasy are not in a cohesive flow, I get stuck in one or the other. My analytical mind can completely take over and squeeze out all fantasy or my fantasy mind will runneth over and I will pour out poems, stories, or silliness.

I am seeking balance at the moment.

If I do not I fear that I will fall back into a depressive state that I have been in for weeks. I cannot explain why I have been feeling so down. I am not sure why I have felt so anxious, lonely, and clawing to try to be thankful. I have plenty to be thankful for. However, two major issues in my life are lingering and unsettled. There is no quick fix and the largest thorn in my side is the fact that I know I cannot change certain things about myself. There will be no amount of therapy that is going to fix my sensory issues or how I feel about particular issues.

I do not have the clarity to talk or write about them now.

I wish I did because I think it would help me to be able to process everything if I could write it out. I do not know where to start or how to explain it at this time. I do want to jot down some positive things – I think it will help me continue to keep my focus. I emailed my friend back that I wrote about the other day. I felt really good about all of that and such relief afterwards. I was also able to email the neighbor that I made friends with before we moved here. It had been weighing on me for months. She had called me a couple of times, but I just could not get back to her so I decided to sit down and contact her via email. I have been too busy to talk to anyone on the phone even my mom. She called the other day and I had no idea!

I emailed my mom today letting her know all that has been going on as well.

It is funny because I never really forget about people, but I forget to contact them. If I get overwhelmed or have too much going on I will have flashes of the person, but I will think to myself, “Tomorrow I will contact them” my tomorrow’s turn into months. The next thing I know it is several weeks or months later and I still have not contacted them. In my mind, the time does not seem that long at all. It feels like a few days. It is hard to explain. I feel really good about pushing down any fears or anxiety about contacting people that I have not in a while.

I did this with one of my internet friends too.

It’s a good thing she understands when I explain that my sudden silence has nothing to do with her – I understand the same thing about her. I basically, went into a quiet online mode and did not comment or communicate that much. I couldn’t I was too anxious. The kids have been sick and then, I got sick. I am still feeling it I now think it is allergy related. Daniel has been dizzy for over a week and I have had to carry him throughout the house. I had to carry him to the car the other day and inside/outside from my aunt’s house. The boy is 50 pounds of solidness! Keeps my heart rate up. hee hee

I am adjusting to the new schedule now with all of Daniel’s therapies and classes.

I had to fill out more paperwork for his OT virtual evaluation that he had on Monday. (That I did not receive until Sunday morning via email…) He is responding so well to his virtual therapies. I am amazed at how much he truly comprehends. I am not surprised I knew this; I am amazed at how responsive he is to his new teacher and speech pathologist. I am excited at how he is applying what he learns so quickly. His confidence has increased greatly in just a couple of weeks. He did not get upset when one of his classes had to be cancelled. I was shocked to be honest with you. He does not normally take to those types of changes very well, but he was too excited about his speech lessons to care.

He loved his OT session that he had Monday and cannot wait for those to start.

They are going to start after winter break, which, is going to be for two weeks. I am not excited about that. I am going to keep the school schedule going except on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. My kids get so off track and unable to refocus when we stop our routines. They will not have any lessons online and they may catch onto my shenanigans, but I have plenty of schoolwork for them to do during the break. I hope to do some creative things that we have not been able to do in awhile. I will make it fun and relaxed, but a routine nonetheless.

Next week Daniel is going to the psychologist, I went to for his other evaluation.

More paperwork, yay! (Sarcasm intended) I am looking forward to this meeting though because the goal is for behavioral therapy. She will guide me in a direction for Daniel and me to have better help or more insight into helping him with his aggressive behaviors and inability to express his frustrations. The school is trying to help me in this area as well. I know that many times Daniel’s aggression comes from sensory related issues so when the OT therapy starts and we gain some new tools it may help him a lot more. It is so difficult for me to determine Daniel’s sensory issues because much like me, they are ever changing and what works one day will not work the next. If I have someone who can give me suggestions on a regular basis, this may help a great deal.

What is my point with this post?

I have no idea I feel like I am rambling, but I do know there are some great things in here that I can be very joyful about. It seems to be helping my brain think positively. I am happy too that Ariel has wanted to express herself on her blog. I am going to share her blog again because I am a proud mom, I am! wild dragons & wild cats Joshua is fixated with The Hobbit. He has been creating scenes of the movie and acting them out on a daily basis. Here are a couple of his creations Lego Builder Boy. Daniel asked me write out this post for him My globes. He told me everything he wanted to say and he made me read it back to ensure that I wrote what he wanted. Lol!

So I guess my post is just a mind dump if you made this far thanks for reading!

Ew!

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12/7/12

Attempt Number Six (DayQuil Ramblings)

Here it is my sixth attempt at writing this post in the last week. I have five drafts, well over 1000 words and none of them came out right. There is so much wrapped into my thoughts that I cannot take one thing and go with it. It seems to pull a thread to ten other things that have been hiding themselves in the caves throughout my brain. There is a mass of healing, fear, and shaking ground that I am covering in this queasy mind of mine. I think I will try to give bullet points and see what happens. I must give a disclaimer though, I am currently stocked up on DayQuil and feeling very loopy!!

Relationships:

It is evident to me now that I will not understand most of my relationships, or other people’s relationships for that matter. I find people too confusing and their language/actions too indirect. I cannot understand the dynamics of relationships for whatever reason. I accept this, but what can I do to stop this from triggering me into spiraling loops? The loops cause me to panic, have anxiety, irrational fears, and send my brain down a path of made up scenarios.

I have been writing about my relationship confusions for several years in hopes that one day it would all click.

I have come to the point where I know that it will not click for me. Possibly others are able to get a grasp on this, but my brain cannot make sense of it. I need to change the way I go around this mountain. Instead of wasting time on trying to figure out my confusion, why people do the things they do, or thinking that ONE DAY I will finally gain a clear perspective on the complex social systems of the human race, I have decided to take the healthy route and focus on truly changing me. Actually, our social structures are not much different from the dynamics of our fellow living creatures in the realms of nature, but whenever I apply that understanding toward us humans, I tend to take away the humanness of us.

When one begins to segregate in anyway whether it be people/beliefs/places/things they can lose their value and become objects.

In order to help me with the largest portion of my mind confusion, fears, anxieties, panics, etc… I am making a set of rules. The rules happen to be some of the threads that have been pulled – they open up a whole subset of related issues, but I am trying to keep this post very direct and will only focus on the largest one that causes the most triggers in my mind. Here I go!

Rule One: Stop talking about it to people who feed my fears.

Rule Two: Remember not to adopt another person’s “faulty belief” system. (This is my hardest task. I tend to adopt it without realizing it until hours later. I am stopping this by contacting my aunt or mom as soon as I realize it so I will not fall into the anxiety/fear loop that tells me I should just disappear and hide from everyone on the planet, FOREVER!)

Rule Three: Read quick reference to faulty beliefs. 15 Common Cognitive Distortions (I have shared this before.)

Rule Four: Stop when I recognize(feel like they are)negative thoughts, if unsure if they are negative go to the quick list Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT’s) and redirect my thoughts to look for positives.

Rule Five: Focus on the positive relationships that I have. If they confuse me, ASK or TELL the person. If they truly care about me, they will have no problems and they will not treat me as if I am a burden. They may not understand, but they will show me compassion. If they do not, well there is no reason to continue the relationship. Those who know me know that I have anxiety and my greatest confusion is relationships.

I will keep it at a five rule minimum so I do not get overwhelmed.

I have been researching and studying about different types of relationships. I know that I have been doing this for a while, but I cannot twist and contort my brain to understand relationships in the way that “most” people have them. I am unconventional in almost everything. This is why I had such struggles in the church settings that I was in. The relationship paradigms do not make sense and they seem very shallow to me.

Of course, this goes for most relationships not only church types.

They may not be shallow at all; however, for me I do not understand having multiple friends and sharing only parts of you with them. I see married couples who gain emotional connections to best friends, hobbies, ministries, co-workers, so on, and at home, they barely talk to each other. They do not know each other well at all. Then, the woman/man will get offended and hurt because he/she did not get/do the right thing, they forgot a special occasion, or did not have the house clean. There are so many scenarios.

This does not only happen in marriages, it happens with family relationships as well as friends.

Somehow, people are supposed to read the minds of others who do not share ALL of who they are. How is this possible? How can you have deep meaningful relationships if one or both parties are not participating fully in the compromise of communication? Now I am just rambling. I told you I have tried to write this post so many times and I do feel that there is so much packed into this that I cannot begin to dissect it fully. I have another whole thing pawning through my mind as well dealing with faulty beliefs that I am trying to disintegrate about myself.

It is a big one for me. Deep breath…

Since I was a child, my feelings toward myself have been negative. I was abused in several ways the one that felt as if it had destroyed pieces of me is something I do not normally talk about. I do know that nothing was destroyed it has only been hidden for a very long time. I also believe that I was protected in many ways because I am autistic. I knew it was wrong, but it did not affect me in the same way that I read about with others who were abused. The first day it ever happened, I took the situation into my own hands to protect myself. I did everything possible without revealing my abuser, to ensure I was never alone with them.

However, a predator will always find a way.

Still for years, I deterred them and was a wise kid. It caused me great confusion, shame, guilt, self-hatred, I felt as if I had to of done something to make them do this to me. To that, I say what a load of crap. I never did anything I was a child and had no idea about anything. This relationship molded a path to my already confused mind that has stuck with me to today in all relationships. I did not realize that it has been the root of many faulty beliefs. The main one is that I deserve (d) to me treated as if I have no value. I was not valued; I have had relationship after relationship prove this to me in my mind. In my relationships, I was terrified of ever being myself because when I was the “attacks” came.

I let down my guard and then, it comes!

If I do act as myself I have been told I cannot be like that, I should not be doing that, no one wants to be with me because I am too much trouble, I ask too many questions, I have been told how stupid I am, or I am told (implied) about all of the things that I need to change about myself to be acceptable, BUT nothing is ever acceptable! It is impossible and unrealistic. It is unfair and unnatural to have relationships with people who want you to be a certain way, or if they tell you to be yourself only to correct you and tell you that being yourself causes them too much frustration.

I will stop, there is so much that is babbling about in my brain.

I have found resources that I think have many great nuggets to chew on. I am on a quest about all types of relationships because I feel that anything I read can be applied to all relationships in my life. However, my current fixation is about marriage and the Westernized definition. Marriage has been a special interest since I was a child there is a lot mixed into that. The one love for life and then, marry them happily ever after, yada yada yada, thing. If it were possible, why did I never see it? Why did I long for it? Why do we read about those who wrote such wonderful love stories and poems, but their muse was a love interest other than their spouse? Or they were single for life.

Or they died and only had a short period with the love of their life, why?

What is the purpose of finding love, but not be able to have it? Why do people get married anyway? Why was I pressured to get married from the second I turned adult age? Why was I made to feel and at times called a whore for living with my boyfriend? What I find rather ironic is that many times there was no action going on with them and they, me were busy getting to town with other girls. Often than not my relationships have been roommates more so than significant others. YET, I am the one is who looked down upon.

Geez, sorry I went into a tangent.

I do admit that I thought that if I had a person in my life it would help me not be so lonely, but what I discovered is that I was still lonely and misunderstood. That is another whole thread that unravels and I am not going there, but I will say many times I did not know how to tell them, “No” and ended up in relationships when I did not want to be. If you cannot understand how this could happen, I suggest you read a few of these links.

“Look at Me. You’re So Pretty. Look Me in the Eyes”

Walking a fine line – my personal safety strategies

Temporal disconnection of my sense of self

I will share these interesting links as well.

Ten key moments in the history of marriage By Lauren Everitt

HISTORY OF MARRIAGE IN WESTERN CIVILIZATION

Ancient Greek Wedding

Ancient Roman Weddings, Marriage, & Divorce

History Detective Marriage

How marriage has changed over centuries

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11/17/12

Friendship Loop: Battle In My Mind I

This loop I am going to share triggers a whole round of other loops from my past. The back-story is, when we had moved from the West to the East I had been isolated for almost five years. I had no friends, I had been seriously disillusioned from my church experiences and “friends” in those settings, I was confused about what was going on with Daniel because autism was completely foreign and he had not been diagnosed yet, and I was lonely. I was so very lonely and depressed, but I did not know that I was depressed.

When we moved to the East, I wanted to jump into church, serve as much as I could, and make “friends.”

That church ended up destroying a lot of my faith in people and questioning my own spiritual journey. A woman latched onto to me who was like poison to my soul. Not that she was a bad person; she was just a bad person for me. She caused me to doubt myself, she puts words in my mouth, every time I left her I was confused, and felt like my brain had been turned into mush. Long story short, I had to cut her off for my sake and my family’s sake. It was the right thing to do. We left that church and I started to get my brain back to some extent.

We opted to try another church even though David was (is) over the whole church thing.

I was very cautious, but still wanted to get involved as much as possible. I wanted to serve my community and make a social life for my kids. The only ways I had learned to be social was either through my workplace then, later in life church. Those were the only ways I could find something of commonality and some sort of interest. Both places provided social events for me so I did not have to think about it. I met people because they were everywhere and eventually someone would talk to me. I am not sure I have ever started a conversation with someone.

I ended up meeting a friend through this new church.

She was the pastor’s sister and I thought that would be safe. We had a commonality with anxiety. I actually spilled to her at the first “pizza social” the church was having that I was overcome with anxiety. This was only after a few minutes of our interaction. She came and sat down next to me and started talking, the next thing I knew I was telling her about my panic attack I had in the car right before we came in. So began our friendship. It took me two years of meeting for coffee almost every week for me to trust that she would not hurt me.

I shared openly with her and I felt as if she did too.

I felt like we were very close, but then I would be thrown by email interactions. I would not understand her behavior at church. It seemed like she was ignoring me at church, but then we would go to coffee and be the best of friends. I assumed this was normal because quite frankly this is the story of my life. My “friends” tend to keep me hidden from their other friends. I did not know why this happened before, but now I think it is because I am a complicated social fixture. It may be too much for people to deal with my unpredictable ways. Such as when I say whatever is on my mind, or pointing out discrepancies, or harping on something that does not make sense to me.

It could also be how awkward I get in social settings.

Possibly some of them could have been looking out for me and not wanting to add anxiety or social stress. However, when I am not told I create things in my head telling me that they are embarrassed of me. They are only pretending to care for me because they feel sorry for me. In my anxiety spins, I will even create paranoia that tells me that it is all just a big ploy to mess with me because people seem to enjoy mocking me and making a fool out of me. I begin to think, “How can I be so gullible, again?” Then, I am flooded with guilt because how could I think such things about people?

I have always ended up twisting and turning the stories to somehow be my fault.

She and I became very close, so close that I trusted her with some of my innermost secrets. This is incredibly difficult for me. I have been hurt so many times and have had my “secrets” used against me. Shortly after one of my big ones, she became very busy. I know that she was legitimately busy so at first I did not think much of it. I became very busy too. She had to cancel several times and I started to feel a little hurt because there were pictures posted of her and other friends doing things. I shook it off as it was on the weekends and I was normally not able to do things on the weekends. I emailed her several times and would hear back several days later. I started to feel as if I were a nuisance even though I was not harassing her.

She always said the right things.

She always said that she wanted to hear from me, but the lack of communication and actions that I found to be odd caused me to feel that she was only “being nice.” After a while of no communication or communication that is confusing for me, I just assume at this point in my life that a person does not have it in them to tell me they no longer want to be friends. I just take it upon myself to tell myself that it is over, move on. This cycle is damaging and does not work.

I do not do it in a healthy way.

I use negative self-talk, comb over all of my actions and point out every single time I messed up, and that MUST be the reason for the dissolved relationship. (Just so, everyone knows that is why I am writing this series of posts – this wrong thinking stops now.) Some time during this, she sent me an emotionally opening email. I was thrown and confused because I had already started the breaking up process in my mind. During my “break-up” process I have already assumed that the person wants nothing to do with me. I start to harden my heart and try to place them in a spot in my brain where I will not hurt anymore If I hear from them it is as if my heart is being pulled out of my chest because I do not know why they are contacting me.

I do this with family as well as friends.

Somewhere along the way in my childhood this was how I learned to cope with the pain by causing my own pain. I desperately tried to protect myself, but this never worked and has caused me far more pain than necessary. Anyone reading this who does not get it let me be as direct as possible, if you no longer want to have a relationship with an Aspie tell them clearly and directly. If you do want a relationship with them try to DEFINE it for them. Make the lines clear and drawn out do not keep them guessing or just stop talking to them. I have spoken to several other Aspie’s about this and let me tell you silence and indirectness is an extremely painful thing for us in a relationship. I was also confused by her words. She shared with me how she had a revelation that she would emotionally cut people off or shutdown in relationships. She asked me if I had any insight or helpful things, I could share with her in regards to what I may have observed.

She knew that I was an ASPIE!

Tomorrow the rest of the story, Friendship Loop: Battle In My Mind II…

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09/15/12

Nonsense From My Brian

I am in a certain loop that is new in some ways and old in other ways. I find it annoying at times because my brain feels like it is on pause and I am stuck on a scene in my life taking in every detail possible and analyzing it. Once I feel satisfied that I have achieved the emotional feelings and properly consumed every detail right down to a person’s teeth, I move to another scene. I think it has something to do with this month, and current events that are taking place.

I am not negative looping.

The weather is making me feel a little sad, but happy at the same time. I do not know I am in limbo of something and nothing at the same time. The feel of winter does this to me. I do enjoy the seasons and the changing weather. I want to see snow again, and watch my kid’s reactions when they get to experience it. I do not know what I am feeling… or even why I am writing I just feel that I need to so I can gain the ability to go to Wal-Mart this morning! I have been reading at night, however, I have also found myself putting on annoying shows for background noise.

I need it.

Ironically, I am reading a book on mindfulness. Ha ha ha I leave on whatever as long as it is not too bothersome. I am alone so I do not have to worry about it too much. I am not in the mood for movies, or documentaries. Everything feels stale. I have found myself quite distracted by commercials. Commercials do not make me want to buy anything, they confuse and irritate me, but for some reason when I am in this time of loop I get fixated on them. I used to drive my mom batty with commercials. I would stand right in front of the TV and watch them. I would not move and I HAD to watch them. She would tell me to come here, or ask me to do something while a commercial was on and I would not hear her, or I would not budge. It was as if I was sucked into some marketing black hole and could not escape for about four to six minutes.

I had to watch the commercials!

Then, came the millions of questions that inevitably drove her to complete irritation, usually ending with, “It is just a commercial!” Just so everyone knows that is not an answer and it only leads to more questions. “Just a commercial, what does that mean?” As I grew older and infomercials started to swallow the airwaves, I would be sucked into them as well. I would watch them wondering if the product could really do that. Who are all of those people and why are they there? How did they hear about this product? Why are they acting so enthused as if it is the best thing in the world? Why would anyone want to use a knife to cut a soda can and then, a tomato?

I did fall into a few infomercials.

I remember one sold me because it was a product that was supposed to cover up birthmarks. It was gross, thick, smelly, and did not cover my birthmark. I did buy a set of Barbie’s from an infomercial. I think that is it though. I normally had this feeling that somehow they were not telling me the truth. I would then, sit and watch them over and over again trying to figure out why I felt that way. I would question myself and think, “Well if so many people are buying it maybe I am wrong.” I used to watch workout video infomercials religiously. My dad’s side of the family tends to fall for infomercials, so I have received several workout videos after they grow tired of them. Hee hee

Ok, so back to commercials from recent days.

I have been utterly confused by food being used in such sensual ways. My mind cannot grasp why someone would act as if a piece of chocolate is like a love partner. Who eats potato chips to Barry White and practically has a “moment” on the sidewalk? Why are these ladies eating ice creams bar so aggressively, and why do I fear that they are going to leap out of the TV and eat me?!! Who eats a granola bar like that especially, if it is coated in “yogurt flavor”? My gosh! What is yogurt flavor? EW! Does someone really imagine themselves covered in brown satin when eating a piece of chocolate?

Why are these women giving me googly eyes when taking a bite out of a peppermint patty?

NO! No, I do not want to see any two people eating a noodle and then, ending the long wet flimsy strand into an open mouth kiss! Gross! And why, please tell me why bantering over Greek yogurt and pounding a guy in the head with yours would make me want to go eat it? Who is prompted to go buy this stuff after watching these commercials? I know I should not waste so much energy on all of this, but seriously, these things are confusing. They feel demeaning and as if everyone is a complete idiot who has to have sensuality wrapped around everything in order to buy it. Or the food has to explode, talk, have strange occurrences happen, relationships failing, as well as the promotion of “all natural” when no one is quite sure what the definition of that is.

I can think of many things that are all natural that I do not want in my food. Just sayin’.

Next tangent, OMG! $30,000 on a wedding? Wait, $150,000 on a wedding? Seriously, people spend even more than that on a wedding? You only have a 50/50 chance that you will make it and you are going to start it off already in debt? Oh, I see some of them have parents going into debt for the wedding. (Wrong in so many ways.) Huh? $5000 for a wedding dress? $10,000 for a wedding dress? Who has this kind of money? Geez, I do not even know how to process that. It is quite clear that I am a sheltered girl. I will not even go into the commercials that continually tell us that we must not grow old. Heaven forbid I have a wrinkle or gray hairs! As well as how all of us MUST lose weight, even if you are 100 pounds and 5’4 you still could stand to lose a few, WHAT?

So everyone must be a size 2 until they get to size 2, at that point you need to aim for size 0, m’kay.

Why are so many of the commercials telling women how they must look, dress, and keep themselves up? Although, there many more coming up geared toward the primping male. Good grief, just pluck your eyebrows and shave you will be fine. Lol! Of course, you don’t want to stink so wear some deodorant. Maybe I am preparing myself to go into Wal-Mart much more than I thought. I do find myself reading the labels of products that I saw on commercials, but I already enjoy stopping and reading labels. It only gives it a little more umph when I have seen the product advertised and I can debunk the claims in my head, or find new ingredients to go home and research. Did I just admit that on the internet? Oh, yes I did.

Does that qualify for nerditude?

Oh, well I think I feel better I got some of my commercial rant out. You know, maybe other people have deep love and adoration for chocolate in the same way I do for computers, trees, water, music, books, la la la. However, you will never see me actually act all intimate like with any of those things. I do believe I will be dancing in the aisles today.

I am feeling pretty, and witty, and briiiiiight! (Yes, I did sing that.)

Look at me I managed to write over a 1000 words of nonsense. It is good to get the gibberish out of my head. I am off to gather my music and go into the cesspool of advertising, flickering lights that make my brain hurt, smells that cause my nose to curl, cold that makes my body wheeze, and a sea of people who will get into my space and say, “Hi” when all I want to do is pretend that they are not there. Fun, fun, fun! (I just made myself laugh really hard and I have no idea why.)

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Tag Archives: fixations

Are You Calling Me & Other Autistics Sociopaths? (Think About It)

Attempt Number Six (DayQuil Ramblings)

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