I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

He basically described many things in my life, and I am sure many others out there who need some confirmation today would find comfort listening to this. He is focusing more on women and girls later in the talk. He mentioned how AS girls can escape into imaginary worlds, and have imaginary friends. It made me laugh because yesterday I was talking out loud as an owl and a raven. They were my friends telling me the story that I am working on. I know that they were not real. It is just how my mind works. It is so funny how this talk is confirming so much of what I wrote out about dealing with anger. I am making more connections. It was confirming about what I am currently doing to try to find new coping mechanisms. It is confirming about me being a whistle-blower, my sensory intuition, my spy like qualities , and many other things. It is a great talk. I recommend listening to it.

Ok, back to John Keats.

This site Keats’ Kingdom had interesting facts like “Keats when he became a published poet collected every scrap of paper containing his earlier poems and burnt them as he considered them to be awful.” Um…no comment. Here are some excerpts that I found interesting as well. I am going to add my comments and indicate them by beginning with *.

Sent to Fanny Brawne February 1820

“For some reason or other your last night’s note was not so treasurable as former ones. I would fain that you call me Love still. To see you happy and in high spirits is a great consolation to me – still let me believe that you are not half as happy as my restoration would make you”

- Shows how Keats could be very selfish and inwards-thinking. Jealous and demanding

* The author here claims that Keats is being “Jealous and demanding” I question that after reading about his life. From my Aspie perspective (which really means nothing I am just stimming) I would say he is confused by her seeming happiness without him. He does not want her to feel unhappy, he treasures her joy, but he needs to know that she is missing him as much as he is missing her. He is feeling intense emotions that he felt she was feeling as well. However, by her note he is unsure which causes him to doubt her feelings. This confusion my life has often been labeled as jealousy and being demanding. He was consumed by her. In past writings he made it clear that he was uncomfortable around woman. I will share more of that later.

I wonder how many Aspies have been accused of being jealous or demanding when the reality is, we do not understand the social dynamics going on. I also wonder how often we act out in this because like Tony said in the above talk we prefer one-on-one instead of multiple people. The addition of another person can cause confusion about the relationship, and the relationship with the additional person. Relationships are so difficult. Is it that when we decide to give someone our affections we expect the same amount in return? If we see them being happy with others it could make us feel inadequate to the relationship? I don’t know these are the thoughts popping in my head at the moment. I am writing this on the fly.

“My sweet creature”
“I wander at the Beauty which has kept up the spell so fervently”

- It is strange that Keats should refer to his muse as a creature rather than a woman. Later on, he suggests that she has bewitched him, and can’t understand why she’s captivated him so much.
Fanny must have been somewhat confused by this, as Keats paints a picture of himself as being in love with Fanny, but for no particular reason except that she’s bewitched him.

* I do not find this strange at all. I express my love through animals, nature, colors, or numbers in my poetry or stories. I am able to confess my real emotions through the way I see creatures, or the world. I am not sure he was expressing that he was bewitched, but possibly he was able to express his affections in that way because it felt safer. He had never been in love before, it could have been too overwhelming to say: “Fanny, I love you”. He could have been terrified of the words — only able to express them through poems that indirectly, but cryptically revealed his true passions.

It is far easier to express your love imagining a creature as your desire of affection rather than the actual person. The creature will not reject you, and possibly he was purposely being cryptic because it was his cherished love that he did not want tainted by anyone else. Possibly she was the only one who understood what he was saying. I do have a kind of tragic love story brewing from the owl and the raven so my imagination could be taking flight here, but I will not expose anything. This is too fun.

Sent to Fanny Brawne June 1820

“..as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night”
“You are to me an object intensely desirable- the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy”

- It’s clear that Keats is hopelessly in love with Fanny. But as the letter goes on, the tone changes, almost becoming patronising:

“.. you have a thousand activities- you can be happy without me”
“You do not feel as I do- you do not know what it is to love”
“Ask yourself how many unhappy hours Keats has caused you in Lonliness”

- He just assumes Fanny doesn’t care that much for him, or perhaps he’s trying to provoke a response so that he can feel better? (assuming she will be kind in her reply)

* I do not think he is trying to provoke a reply here. Maybe he is I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem to go along with his character. Imagine thinking that you would never find a person that you could have such strong feelings for, add being confused by the social dynamics of that species, to discover one has caught your affections and seems to have the same affections. It would be scary, and if you have been abandoned before, such as he was as a child it would prove to be very challenging to trust your emotions and those of the other person. I think he has found that connection that he had never felt before and he does not know what else to with it. It is confusing to see her happy without him when he is so miserable without her.

It is hard to explain for me with friends, and even family it has been difficult to understand how people are so able to move forward without me. I have felt like it did not matter if I was around or not. Surely they never cared for me as they said they did because they are perfectly fine without me. It is part of the “all or nothing” mindset. I am getting a lot better in this area, though it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. It is not that I want them to be miserable, I just want to know that they miss me, I matter, and that they think of me. Just as I think of them, maybe not as obsessively, but at least fleeting happy thoughts. Lol! (I am not always obsessive…really…ok, about people anyway. )

It’s hard to understand where I stand in relationships.

I have expressed it before that I need someone to tell me if we are friends I will not figure it out. Well after years maybe. Like my one friend here, it took me two years to finally understand that we are good friends. I didn’t know this until a few months ago. I figured since we had not seen each other in so long that we were done being friends. I just assumed that we were finished with any kind of friendship and let it go since I had not seen her or heard from her in a while. I didn’t have any ill feelings — I just thought well it was a good run for me. Wow, that sounds kind of strange now that I wrote it out. I’ll leave it. More on Keats…

I found these letters on this site John Keats and Fanny Brawn. 

Keats felt uncomfortable with women and contemptuous of them. In July 1818, he wrote:

… I am certain I have not a right feeling towards Women–at this moment I am striving to be just to them but I cannot–Is it because they fall so far beneath my Boyish imagination? When I was a Schoolboy I thought a fair Woman a pure Goddess, my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept though she knew it not–I have no right to expect more than their reality.

I thought them etherial above Men–I find them perhaps equal…. I do not like to think insults in a Lady’s Company–I commit a Crime with her which absence would have not known–Is it not extraordinary? When among Men I have no evil thoughts, no malice, no spleen–I feel free to speak or to be silent–I can listen and from every one I can learn–my hands are in my pockets I am free from all suspicion and comfortable. When I am among Women I have evil thoughts, malice spleen–I cannot speak or be silent–I am full of Suspicions and therefore listen to no thing–I am in a hurry to be gone–You must be charitable and put all this perversity to my being disappointed since Boyhood–. . .

I could say a good deal about this but I will leave it in hopes of better and more worthy dispositions–and also content that I am wronging no one, for after all I do think better of Womankind than to suppose they care whether Mister John Keats five feet high likes them or not.

* Hee hee I love it! I feel the same about certain women. Sorry it’s true, and I have felt the same about certain men. Indeed. The next part amused me very much. Not in a sick way, just in a familiar and comfortable way. He was soon to meet the love of his life Fanny Brawne which makes this whole story very tragic, sad, wonderful and glorious at the same time.

It is not surprising that he would rather not marry, preferring solitude, the life of the imagination, and the appreciation of beauty:

…I hope I shall never marry. Though the most beautiful Creature were waiting for me at the end of a Journey or a walk; though the carpet were of Silk, the Curtains of the morning Clouds; the chairs and Sofa stuffed with Cygnet’s down; the food Manna, the Wine beyond Claret, the Window opening on Winandermere, I should not feel–or rather my Happiness would not be so fine, as my Solitude is sublime.

Then instead of what I have described, there is a Sublimity to welcome me home–The roaring of the wind is my wife and the Stars through the windowpane are my Children. The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness–an amiable wife and sweet Children I contemplate as a part of that Beauty. but I must have a thousand of those beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds–No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me, and serve my Spirit. . .

Letter, Oct 1818

He goes on to explain, “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in. “

I had not read all about John Keats until yesterday.

I had read his poetry before, but I had not dabbled into his life. I did not know any of this and ironically the story that is playing around in my head has very similar themes. I am not claiming that John Keats had Aspergers I am just seeing parallels for myself. And playing around to help me not get consumed in loops that I do need to get caught up in. I do find his life, and his love very interesting and I can relate very much to many of the things that I read. Who doesn’t want to consume information about John Keats? Come on! (giggle, giggle)

Here are a few links that I read:

John Keats

The Life of John Keats

The Grasshopper and The Cricket (Poem) 

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There are times, like this moment where I feel nothing. It’s not really that I feel nothing it is I have no idea what I am feeling. However, I am not freaking out about it, and I am not trying to analyze it (fully), I am just here. There is a slight tinge in my heart at this moment that is probably triggered from the fear of exposing myself. Other than that I feel like a concrete wall from a distance. It looks as if there is nothing to it, it looks solid, gray, and hard, but when you get too close you see tiny cracks, holes, spaces, and shades of gray. I like looking at the gray wall from a distance sometimes, it feels peaceful.

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding.

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.

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I just watched Alain de Botton on TED, and I thought there were so many great things that he said. I think the topic of polarization whether through religion vs. Atheism, politics, or our different views in the autism community is good to always self-evaluate. It shares a similar thread with the talk I shared from David Eagleman on TEDxHouston. I will not break them down fully, but the main point is to be open to possibilities. As I watched Alain de Botton I captured details about seeking good things out of religions, but I took home the good things about Atheism as well. I am very art minded and my personal experience with church and the arts has not been that positive or accepting. However, from his point of view because he is outside of the walls of a religion he is able to see the good in what church or religions have done for the arts.

I think that is great!

I love that it makes me take a look at my own views to see how I am being polarized in my thinking in some areas because I am so close to the subject or situation. I appreciate his talk which can be watched here Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0. I thought it was refreshing and had a lot of insight that can be applied into my views on faith, and church. It also reminded me to see how much my views can get distorted when I get fixated on one specific thing. I believe this is why I find so much peace when I am gathering information from different views, or faiths because I know my ability to trick myself into a black-and-white world. I then have an inner struggle without realizing it because something does not feel right…but what? It doesn’t feel right because it is a form of conformity, which is uncomfortable for my mind.

I naturally rail against it.

I always want to be open, and willing to understand another person’s perspective. Um…As long as it is not detrimental or destructive, such as blatant racism or hatred. However, I do seem to gravitate toward wanting to understand their reasons for being racist or full of hate. Why? Why? Why? I can get fixated with that my serial killer obsession comes to mind. I find the meeting of minds, and discussions to develop, learn, and change to be a need in my life. I will shutdown in heated arguments, or rants out of hurt or fearful emotions. I took this video as a positive way to look at religion that I had lost, and I also was quite intrigued by his views. They made me think and gave me some wonderful things to think about and process. It is ironic that I am currently working through a post in my mind about my reasons for polarizing or constantly trying to create an all or nothing type of environment. It has been a coping mechanism of mine that I am dismantling.

I appreciate his respect toward religion, but also him being himself and clearly not believing.

I found I liked his humor, and many things he had to share. At the end I really liked his explanation of not needing a mystical experience in order to feel connected to something bigger. I struggle with that all the time in my spiritual community, feeling inadequate or lacking because I do have or feel something “mystical” happening to me. I tend to feel a great connection, sense of belonging, and oneness with people when they share with me. If they share music, poems, words, or if I am watching someone operate in their talent. I feel connected and oneness to something bigger. Even in his talk I felt it — I guess it is more like I feel the oneness when I see other people expressing their passions, their hearts, and who they truly are without hindrance. I say that makes me feel one with humanity to some extent which makes me feel connected to God or if you would like to say the Universe or Higher Power. I find having a true connection with someone to be quite a mystical experience.

All of us can benefit so much when we cast our filters down for a moment.

Alright that’s my peace talk for the day. I know it is a kumbaya fantasy of mine, but without those fantasies I lose hope. If anything this is for me to see areas that I am being polarized in my thinking and finding good in something I started to lose any hope in. On another note here is David Eagleman on The Colbert Report. I thought it was funny and it proves once again that my brain is indeed messing with me!!  I knew it I just needed more evidence. I hope to get his new book sometime soon as well. I am enjoying SUM very much, and it has me thinking as well. And I don’t know why Proust keeps coming up in my life. I must really need to be learning something there, or it’s just the Universe and my brain messing with me…that happens a lot.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

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I have been trying to write my post for a while now, but I can’t seem to get things out the right way. Today did not go as planned, I am feeling a bit sickly, and tired. My words have escaped me, but I have pictures of what Daniel and I did this afternoon. He was fixated on fans inside the stores and I was fixated on the numbers on the outside of them. We were quite the pair walking around the quaint small downtown on what is called the “island” around here. We looked at water, boats, trains, and he found all kinds of exciting things to look at…so did I.

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I am truly at the end of my rope trying to help Daniel stop being fixated on the appliances. He is unable to leave them alone, he has been in a frenzy like state and is getting overloaded. He then gets angry at me when I try to deter him and direct him to other things. He almost caused the microwave to topple on the floor several times because he keeps turning it around to watch the fan or he flings open the door and pulls out the glass tray to watch it spin or look at the lights and fan on the inside. He peeks through the tiny holes to watch it. He keeps adjusting the temperatures on the freezer and the refrigerator because he likes watching the air change and listening to the fan.

He is doing the same thing with the washer, dryer, blender, oven, stove, and dishwasher.

This morning I gave him back his snap circuits, which I had to take away because he continued to get overstimulated and started giving himself headaches, it also made him aggressive and angry. I am hoping that it will not go that way today. It seems to be helping him stay away from the appliances. We are planning on getting computer parts and analog electronic type things for him to put together in the next few days. I enjoy those types of things so I am thinking some school projects are in store. In one of my attempts to help him get unfixated on the appliances we went to the beach on Friday late afternoon. (Yesterday we went to our first county fair, that is another whole post.) It was a lovely day, but the water was cold. We found all kinds of creatures in shells which was cool. It helped all of us for a while to get away from the appliances.

So we played, soaked in the sun, and took a ton of pictures.

I now understand why I take so many pictures. I do not know how to categorize different levels of importance so everything I see is of great importance. Each shell is different so it needs a picture, every wave, the details in the water, the mounds of sand, the sky, and the clouds. They are all equally important to me because I see the details in each one, for others a shell is a shell and a cloud is a cloud and it is nice, but not each one is perceived as that miraculous as it is to me. Details. This really hit me when yesterday I was looking at the pictures and I said out loud (but it was really self talk) “I do not see how people cannot sit here and look at these pictures for hours, there are so many details in just the one picture.”

As I clicked to the next picture I squealed with excitement “My arm looks like a two!”

David was in the kitchen and I ran over and showed him I thought it was so cool. He did not share my excitement and didn’t find it as fascinating as I did. I had not purposely made a two shadow with my arm so I thought it was really cool that it formed a two. David explained to me that he just doesn’t see numbers in everything like I do and when I share things like that he feels like he is living in my mathemagic world. I wasn’t sure how to take that, but he said that he was explaining his lack of enthusiasm because he doesn’t share the same kind of love for numbers or see numbers or even connections the way that I do. I was puzzled by this. It was one of those moments where I realized that not all people really see things the way I do. Realistically I know this, but I do forget.

I mean come on! Who doesn’t get excited at a shadow number??

I am kidding, I guess it really isn’t that exciting to most. However, I never would have thought that until he said something. I would have assumed that everyone would want to see it. Just like with all of my pictures, I would assume that everyone would want to look at the different movements in the water and how the water flowed around the shells, and the different shells that adorned the beach. It is much like thinking everyone would want to spend hours trying to find all of the fans and inner workings of appliances. Hm…Wanting to know why it spins, has lights, makes noise, gets colds, gets hot, it would be quite interesting to know what world is going on in those things. Much like wanting to know all of the details of a seashell, the creature living inside, and the water and sand surrounding it.

I think I can relate to the appliances, and I can relate to the lack of enthusiasm that David was talking about.

I can relate, I cannot understand! Are you kidding? Who doesn’t want to look at sand for hours or take a billion pictures of shells and water or see awesome shadow numbers formed from your body without even knowing it?? I have been processing this kind of thing a lot lately, how I have always assumed that others had the same interest in a topic as myself. I see where I have assumed that and then got really confused by their response or lack of response. I also gained a new perspective on my own lack of interest in other people’s interests. I have discovered that when I am uninterested in what someone is sharing I tend to have a conversation going on my head trying to find things to connect to what they are saying. I naturally do this, seeking connections to whatever a person is sharing, but when I am uninterested I have to work harder at making connections, they do not automatically connect.

It takes more work for me to keep focused as well.

I can drift off in my own thoughts, still hearing everything that they are saying, but have my own conversation. Many times my self talk has come out verbally and I was completely unaware. The other person assumed that I was talking to them and were either confused by my comment or upset with me because they thought that I was being rude in the middle of a conversation. My outburst may seem completely unrelated, but to me I am making a connection. I then, have to explain myself which normally takes a while because I have to explain each connection that got me to that point. I try really hard to keep quiet so I do not have to explain myself, but sometimes it just comes out without a thought.

I tend to blurt out rules to myself also.

If I am in a situation where I have had to explain myself or I am trying to remember what not do again, I can blurt out my rule. Normally, it makes no sense to the person who is with me and I end up having to explain myself or I say: “Oh, nothing I was just talking to myself.” I have always talked to myself, there is a constant conversation going on in my head. The topic of conversation is always about my fixation(s) at the moment. Since Daniel started talking he has done this, he will tell himself the rules constantly even when he is breaking the rules, like “Do not touch the appliances!” All three of the kids do this as well with their fixations, there is a constant chatter going on about their special interests at any given moment. They don’t seem to understand that we do not share the same amount of enthusiasm as they do with their topics of choice. What? Ha ha ha To be honest I am not sure that I will remember this, I will try to make up a rule.

I guess the rule to remember here is, “Not everyone shares the same amount of enthusiasm in my interests”….What? (Joking)

I am still putting up pictures though. (only 20 out 113) Hee hee

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I have discovered a rule that I had no idea I have put on myself. “Be opposite on any perceived negative.” In my last post I wrote “The confusion of another person not thinking of me or how they are making me feel is very confusing and hurtful to me.” I have been told on numerous occasions in my life how selfish I am. I have been accused of only thinking of myself and being hateful and hurtful because of my selfishness. I am not a selfish person, I never have been by the clear definition of “selfish”. Since I was told this by authorities, family, friends, co-workers on occasion, I started to overcompensate to the point of denying my own feelings. When I started going to church, the constant message of how selfish we are as humans and how we need to serve, serve, serve, put everyone before yourself as Christ did, became a rule to new measures for me.

Other people know how to separate and pick and choose how they behave when told information like that.

I do not know how and have taken on all of those things as character flaws in myself if I did not achieve them or I discovered someone thought that I was being selfish. I do understand why I would get so confused and hurt by people not thinking of me, they are not following the rules and I do not know why. The rule is “Do not be selfish.” Although they are allowed to call me out when they perceive something that I do as being selfish. The most confusing thing for me is when I have spoken up about another person being selfish and they spin it. They twist the words and say it is for me or for others or that I did not understand their loving act. This has happened throughout my life too, but I never witnessed it as much as I did in the unhealthy church I was in.

I do seem selfish at times.

I now know why it seems as though I am selfish when I am unable to pull myself away from my special interest. It is not that I do not want to, it is that I can’t. I have tried to stop with certain fixations and when I do they consume my mind to the point of not being able to do anything. It feels like withdraw and it hurts. David suggested that go through my books and get rid of some for a garage sale that we are doing. I had already gone through them and gotten rid of close to 80 books. I still have a large amount that I could get rid of, but I can’t. I love them even the stupid ones. It is painful for me to let the others go and I don’t even care about them that much. That kind of behavior has been looked upon as being selfish in the past.

Anything that I love and collect I have a lot of. (I do not hoard.)

I have been told that it is selfish to keep so many things when others have so little. That is devastating to say to someone like me. So much so that I am feeling guilty about having a garage sale because I am not giving everything away, like I normally do. I need the money, I have purposed the money for something important and yet I feel guilty for this because it seems selfish. It is not! Giving everything away has been an overcompensation as well. It is good to give things away, but if you need money it is good to try to benefit as well.

The overcompensation does not stop with the “selfish rule.”

I now see that I have many others. During my teenage years people were very cruel to me and I discovered many rumors about me not being um…”an angel” to put it nicely. Which is quite humorous if you know me since I am a person who can barely stand a hug it is highly unlikely that the title would fit. I was so confused and hurt by this that it would cause me to spend hours crying and trying to figure why people would make up such things. I had one guy in my class ask me if I would do this and that (I will leave out the vulgarity) and I asked: “What is that?” At first he thought I was joking, then he realized that I truly had no clue. I was almost 17 and had no clue to what he was talking about. He then, changed his demeanor toward me and started talking to me with respect and even apologized at some of the things he had said to me.

I freaked out when I understood what he was asking, whether he was joking or not, is irrelevant.

Those types of things made me close up, I was already at home all the time. I was not allowed to go out to the parties that other kids went to because I was watching my sisters. When I did go out, it was with my boyfriend because I was not allowed to go to parties or anywhere without him. When the relationship finally ended I did not do anything, I went straight to working as much as I could. My social life was work and I enjoyed it very much. I became isolated in a lot of ways to try to hide from people so they would stop making up stories about me. I overcompensated by trying not to be seen. Another rule “If people talk badly about you do not socialize, isolate.”

I see why I have gotten confused by people who put themselves out there.

It is against the rule “Do not let people think or talk badly about you.” It is impossible though, there is usually someone who will find flaw or try to hurt you. I did not know this. I have to admit at times I have gone to the extreme and gotten very angry at the lies, but found that only makes it worse. I thought everyone would like me if they just understood me. I would try (still try) to over-explain myself. I realize now as well that part of the reason for people making up stories about me was because I talked mostly to guys. I did not understand some of their motives and I did not understand that if they had a girlfriend that she may get jealous or think that I was trying to be with him or something. It didn’t cross my mind, the majority of the time I was talking about a special interest. For a while I stopped talking to any guys my age alone.

It was just too frustrating, I would only talk to them when other people were present.

I have other rules that I know are coming to the forefront of my mind, but I cannot seem to get them out. I am still processing. Discovering these, especially the “Selfish rule” is quite freeing. It is not an accurate rule and I can toss it out. I can bring balance to the rule “Do not be selfish”. I know that I am never intentionally selfish. I do not mean to be self-absorbed. If I am I do try not to be that way and if I am unable to stop what I am doing at the time, well sometimes I just have to be left alone to finish it. That does not make me selfish. For me if I discover that I have hurt someone it is the most painful thing, I cannot stand it. Being told that I am selfish is one of those things that has been categorized as hurting people.

Again it is all about perception.

The things that I do can be perceived as selfish, but in my mind they are not. Example: I shared a story about a book that I read with someone because it reminded me of what they had done that day. I failed to mention why I was sharing the story because I automatically assumed that they understood why I was sharing it with them. The person then acted angry or frustrated and I blurted out “What is your problem?” My words apparently were not the best choice and were taken as being rude. I did not understand this because I just wanted to know what was wrong so I could fix it. I was then told that I didn’t even ask them about what they had done for the day or how they felt about it. They felt that I was not thinking of them, but talking about my own interest.

In my mind I was trying to connect.

I connect by relating to stories or events in my life. Or music or poems or nature or movies and many other things. People do this, they do have common interests and “normal” people connect like this. The issues with me is that I do not do it in the same way and the unspoken rules do not apply since they do not really make sense to me. Because of my lack of ability to connect as I see others do, I have overcompensated by having lists of questions in my head to ask people. I will take over the conversation and just ask them questions all about themselves so they will not think that I am selfish. At times I have not even allowed another person to ask me a question. I will walk away after I run out of questions.

Another rule “Only ask people about themselves.”

I have this rule in my mind the whole time that I am socializing usually. The reason is that if I start talking casually it will end up somehow about my special interest and then I will not shut up. I will keep going and going and then, if I think that they are bored or I am unable to read their face, I shut down. I just stop talking mid-conversation. I do this with new people, the people that I know or certain family and friends I do not do this with. They know when to tell me to be quiet or if they have heard enough.

I know that they are not being mean.

You would never know that any of this stuff is going on in my mind. I have gotten so good at hiding certain things that in regular circumstances I do fine socially, but it is afterwards that I am mentally and physically drained. These rules are not bad rules the problem is that I exaggerate them to the extreme and make myself overcompensate trying to please and not hurt people. In the meantime I am hurting myself and placing unattainable restrictions and adding fears that do not need to be there. Enough processing for today.

The rules are…there are no rules! (Just kidding.)

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This post is a complete ramble just because. We have been trying to set up Skype for a while, but we had problems with a webcam and then the computer problems. David is supposed to be going out of town for a while soon and would like to have it up and running before he leaves. He got me a new webcam and after all of my praises about my computer now my wireless internet is acting up all the time. It is driving me mad I tell you, MAD! Well at least my computer works. He will be taking the iPad with him so he can use Skype on that. I have to say that the whole webcam thing tickles my innards.

I do not know what it is, but seeing myself on a computer screen makes me giggle.

I get all goofy, giddy, laughing, squealing, hand flapping, finger twirling and eye rolling. There is a second delay that makes all of my silliness worse. I try not to, but I cannot help myself. Maybe I will get better the more I use it. It tickles though, it really does. It must be my nerves making me tickle inside. This morning David was showing the kids how it works and Ariel responded exactly the same way I did. Then, she ran away giggling and squealing like I did too. Ha ha ha She was in the other room when I did my whole silly exit so that was quite amusing to hear mini-me.

Well I guess I will just have to get over my Skyping fears.

I don’t know, which is worse the phone or webcam. Ah! The thoughts are making me nervous and tickle at the same time. I am so silly. I have nothing of importance to say today. I am just being goofy and sad/confused with my thoughts so I am just sharing my Skype anxiety. Also, some pictures that I think are super awesome!

I really love the sky.

Though I am always afraid of flying, I have flown a lot. After I accept the fact that I could die, at any moment and there is nothing that I can do, I look out at the sky. Being surrounded by the blue sky and the ocean of clouds up in the air is something that makes me breathless. I haven’t flown since March 2004, I haven’t been up in the clouds, literally in a long time. Figuratively I am always there. I dance and swim and play in the clouds. I also miss spending time outside at night, I used to walk about at night all the time I do not remember the last time I did that and smiled at the moon. I am guessing that Skype made me think of sky and somehow that is how I connected this rambling of mine. Hmm….

My cloud/sky obsession.

Yesterday morning a rainbow filled the sky, we rarely get rainbows here.  I was very grateful to see a rainbow yesterday. Last night the clouds were amazing, they looked as if they were painted up there. When Ariel saw them she said: “Wow, it looks like Venus! We are on Venus now.” On our way back into the house she said: “Now we are leaving Venus and going back to Earth.”

[Show as slideshow]

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There are certain things that I really like and I would like to have a lot of. Some of those things are watches, I did used to collect them but when I left my retail jobs I no longer wanted to wear them. The kids now play with the ones that I kept. I did end up giving a lot of them away over the years though. Daniel seems to like watches too. Then there are the crosses, yes, if I could I would have one wall dedicated to various styles of crosses. I would also have a wall dedicated to clocks. However, they would have to be in a designated room where I would not have to look at them all the time because I would feel too crowded with all of them around me.

I like to look at all of these items.

I especially like looking at clocks. I do not know why but I find them fascinating. I even like looking at pictures of clocks. I can get sucked into looking at pictures of them and staring at details on them. The ones that keep me most interested are antique clocks or industrial style clocks. We used to have a cuckoo-cuckoo clock from Germany that I loved to watch as a child. My mom has a thing for grandfather clocks. If I could afford some clocks here are several billion that I would purchase.

Sometimes there are hidden meanings in clocks, that is all.

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10_aluminium_wall_clock

51OpKFjRaiL

51VXCOCKiXL._SL500_AA300_

500x500-Uttermost-Rusty-Movements-Metal-Wall-Clock

13261_arts-and-crafts-wall-clock

Fascinating

Simple, nice.

A-CLASSIC-WALL-CLOCK

Allentown+Wall+Clock

Antique-Wall-Clock-AWC

Antique-Wall-Clocks

antique-wall-clocks-95

blank-wall-clock1

Circuit-Board-Wall-Clock-

ClockDanuLLRFLT

clocks-group

cool-wall-clock-570x547

FABBCEAA

HAND_PAINTED_WALL_CLOCKS

II Clock

invotis-silver-wall-gear-clock

Louis-XVI-Wall-Clock-Gilded-French

Sweet!

Mechanical-Gear-Clock-31 This is a phone app. Shh!

metal_clock

Number_9_Wall_Clock

Oblong-Gear-Wall-Clock1

pl13615-wrought_iron_wall_clocks_with_acrylic_cover

I like this one a lot.

recycled-bike-chain-ring-wall-clock2

Blip.

Wall clock

I know he is not a wall clock but I like him.

Glass-Covered-Triangle-Gear-Clock

Entropy-Clock

Unique-Creative-And-Attractive-Round-Wall-Clock-Design-In-Yellow-Color-590x598

Number-6-wall-clock_48120

wall-clock-broken-numbers

Wall-Clocks

Wall-Clock-This-is-a-wonderful-art-antique-flavor

wall-clocks

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I did it again. I was feeling antsy for a while wanting to change my theme I finally found one I think I like. It is not all that I want but I really like the colors and how it looks much cleaner. Again, my colors are not that different but I like them so I will stick with them. I am hoping that I am settled on this because I have been fixated off and on for about three weeks with searching for themes and yesterday I couldn’t let it go. I was up late searching for themes and finally went to bed. I woke this morning unable to let it go, finally I found this one.

Maybe I can put it to rest for a while now….

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