Tag Archives: fear of rejection

06/10/13

YMCA Week Begins: Day One

Today started the next two weeks of adventures at the Y. Ariel has gymnastics camp every morning this week and Joshua will trade off next week starting his basketball camp. We have never done anything like this before. There are many reasons for that, but I am excited that we finally get the opportunity. It is great to give the kids a chance to try things that they are interested in. I cannot wait for Daniel’s music therapy/social group to start. (June 21st) I think this is going to be amazing for him. I am also excited to have found a possible piano teacher for him whose cost per lesson is something that we can afford. I am calling her tomorrow. (Can’t wait!)

This experience will be a challenge and huge progress for us.

I thought about all of the new social situations that we will all be doing and about the social/sensory/life stress in general that is happening in the next two weeks. It made me think that I REALLY need to make this as positive as possible and that I need to try to reduce our anxiety levels as much as possible. My mind has been soaring for days. Yesterday, I could not think straight at all – I was a hyper-spaz. I truly was there is no way around it. I was jittery, my mind was racing, I could not get a calm moment, I started to lose my words, I started to panic about my family, then freaking out about past events that I do not even care about. I almost went into a complete shutdown, but was able to pull out after a couple of hours. Basically I was spinning in looping circles of nothing and everything.

I could not make it stop. 

I knew that I had to do something so I came up with ideas on how to give myself direction for the next two weeks. What helps me? Writing. Ok, write posts about your week. I need a purpose because my routine is ALL out of whack. I need a purpose and a new routine for these weeks because the kids need me to be calm and focused. They too need as much routine as possible. Because I gave myself a goal of writing about all of this, it helped calm my mind. This made it possible for me to come up with a routine that I could layout for the kids.

Yay! We all feel a little better.

Another thing that I need to do is write out what is causing me to feel so much anxiety. My anxiety is not all because of our routine change or having more social interactions than, usual. It stems from what is happening in with our living situation. Currently, the homeowners of this house have been doing triangular communication. They have sent  me texts in the evenings, committing to things that they are responsible for in the lease, and not following through.

For several, months we have had problems with the plumbing throughout this house. 

Now the owner is not taking care of some major leaks. We finally got the property manager out here and he is in agreement with us that we should not be dealing with these situations. As per the lease, the owners have not kept their part of the deal. We have also had our lives continually disrupted with people coming and going. I have not been given much notice, on some days they have texted me 10 minutes before telling me that someone was to arrive at our home. We have explained about Daniel, Autism, and how this is not something that can happen. People just do not get it.

I have been concerned with some of the people they have sent out to work on the home. 

One day I was told that the landscaper was going to come at noon. I took the kids to the park in hopes of them being gone by the time we came home. However, when I arrived home several hours later there was a man sitting in our yard. My husband was home so I was very confused and a bit concerned. (I thought I could take him, besides the ax was right there when I opened the garage so if he came anywhere near my kids he would have lost an ear or something. I am not violent, but if anyone tries to mess with my kids they are going down! :-) )

The man could not speak English, but I managed to understand that he was sent their by the owners. 

A landscaper with no equipment or lawn anything? He did not work on the lawn, he cleaned the gutters. A few days later the owners texted me and said that they were sending “the landscaper” and “Do you have any garden tools that he can use?” Um, no. Even if we did, there is not a chance that I would let him use them. What if he got hurt? Good grief! So that is just a little taste of what has been happening. So now, I have been looking for new houses to rent. It is very limited. We have specific needs and currently the only home that would work is not available until September 1st.

That sets off a whole other round of anxieties. 

School starts up again August 12th and my husband is supposed to be working out of town the last two weeks of August. Daniel and Ariel are starting third grade, which will be a new transition, and it takes a while for Daniel to get comfortable with new homes. It normally, leads to weeks of meltdowns and all sorts of overloadedness. Granted he did much better this last move and he will mostly likely do even better with another move because he will be in therapy and we can work on the move transition for about two week before we do it. Still, it is a lot. Frankly, I would just like to live in a house that is not constantly having problems. It leaves me in a perpetual state of anxiety.

In the back of mind, all sorts scenarios and questions swarm. 

What is going to break next? What of ours is going to be ruined? Who is going to randomly show up? Am I going to get a text tonight at 10 pm? So on and so forth. (I like saying that, I do not know why. Lol!) I have no SAFE place!  My goodness, I have been saying that for a long time. I am beginning to feel like the Y is my only safe place. It had better not turn on me! All right, those are some of the reasons for my overly anxious self. The good news is that today went great.

The boys and I had fun swimming all morning.

My cousin showed up too and I was able to talk to her more about the home school group. Come to find out she is good friends with the woman I have been trying to connect with since before we moved here. She is the woman who leads a support group for families affected with Autism. Affected? Is that the right word? I do not know anymore, I am sorry folks I cannot stay politically correct all the time it is just too much for me. I ask that you please do not get offended, but I cannot do anything about if you do so let’s just move along – shall we? ;-)

It was good to get a feel of how Autism is perceived.

I shared with her some of my negative encounters and why I am so “on guard” when speaking to people about Autism. She understood how I could be like after hearing some of the things spoken to me. I became worried when I heard the words “heal Autism.” That is a trigger because of what I have experienced and it makes me very sad. Although, I understand why people feel this way, and I also understand that many people accept their child as Autistic. They love them for ALL of who they are, but they would like the challenges, pain, and any perceived or actual suffering to go away.

I get that, I think many times the words get jumbled and communication gets distorted. 

I ended up telling her that I was diagnosed Aspergers because I was telling her how it was not an environmental or some other issue when it came to us. Not that those could not have played a role, but it is seems pretty clear that my genes and my husband’s genes carry some heavy traits. She did not seem surprised and shared a positive story about a teenage Aspergers boy that she knows. It was really good talking to her and ironically, I feel very comfortable with her. Ironic because I normally feel very awkward and out of place when I am with my family. She is very open and has a peaceful feel about her so I enjoy talking to her.

However, I started to panic when I got home. 

I have not even told my dad that I am diagnosed Aspergers! My mind started to race and anxiety filled my body. All sorts of things flooded my brain. Did I say too much? What does she think of me? Did I sound negative? Did I say anything that off the wall?  I cannot remember all of the nonsense that filled my brain. I stopped, told myself to sit down and write this post. There is no reason for me to think any of those thoughts, even if they were true, it is ok. She would not cut me off or ignore me simply because I spilled too much information or if we did not agree. That is the whole point of her home school group.

She shared that the people are very accepting. 

I was so happy to hear that there are Christians, Pagans, and Atheists among  her homeschooling group community. It makes me feel so much better about participating in their activities. After these two weeks, we are definitely going to go to their meet ups. I am still not done with the Y today. I have my spin class tonight and I am looking forward to it.

Ariel and Joshua are staying home so I will be heading out alone.

Woot! A car ride there and back all to myself – a total of 14 minutes alone! I am doing a happy dance. :-) I do not think the rest of my posts will be as long as this one. My hope is to share all the positives and take pictures to help remind me of all the fantastic-awesomeness that may get lost in my chaotic mind!

Some pictures from our fun last Saturday! Splash pads rule! (Except when they are freezing cold or splash me in the face then, they are torture devices that are trying to kill me. Just sayin’.) 

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05/30/13

Triggers, Mishmash & Whatnot II

Continued from my last post…

Several things have helped me with my triggers not necessarily in order, I wrote them as they came.

1) Discovering that I am Autistic, have Sensory Processing Disorder, and Synesthesia. (How my brain works and how environments affects me, a life-long journey. :-) )

2) Learning about trauma, abuse, bullying, and how it affects people, and can affect Autistics differently.

3) Discovering what triggers are and why I had them.

4) Learning to recognize my triggers and the art of redirection. (I am still learning this and believe it will be a life-long learning process. I have discovered some of my biggest ones that have the potential to send me into deep spirals of anxiety and confusion.)

5) Learning how to discern my emotions from others and embracing my emotions without judgment. (Still learning, it’s all about the process.)

6) Being mindful of my thoughts and actions.

7) Discovering that sensory issues can and are traumatic to me and that I cannot simply acclimate or “overcome” my sensory sensitivities.

8) Accepting these things about myself and utilizing the tools and resources I have found to help me.

Such as listening to music with my headphones on in a store while I shop, so I do not become overwhelmed by all the other sounds. 

I also try to keep my focus on my list so I do not become overwhelmed with all of the visual input that can make me cry on some days. I try to plan ahead as much as possible before going to the store. Then, there are my other distractions like taking pictures of things I find amusing. These types of things help me. See even going to Wal-Mart can trigger certain traumatic events in my life. If I hear a song, it can remind me of a person that can rapidly connect all sorts of events throughout my life. It can cause me to relive that moment in the store feeling the full effect of sensory, social, emotional, and physical sensation.

This does happen to me while reading things as well. 

I have been able to decrease this and not be filled with anxiety and confusion. I have seen progress in this comparing my reactions even a few months ago to similar situations I have encountered lately. This has progressed because I no longer stay quiet about my anxieties or cognitive distortions. I remind myself of cognitive distortions when I feel my thoughts start to feel anxious and I make a mental note or write down which ones I am doing. I then, counter it with realistic possibilities. I am aware of when my mind wanders into these negative patterns. Since, I have become more aware of negative thinking, causes, and effects of these thinking patterns it has helped me pull out of the spiral sooner.

I do my part to work on stopping them before they spiral.

I still struggle, have challenges and do spiral at times. We are talking about rewiring an entire 40 years of mixed up, confused, anxiety-ridden thinking. I do not voice my negative self-talk. I have been sensitive to not saying things out loud (They were still internalized, and I know that has some sort of affect on me and those around me.) because of how my mom’s negative self-talk affected me growing up. However, it seems hardwired in my kid’s brains. Ariel is the only one who does not voice it, but there have been times when she expressed her “need” for perfection. She gets so frustrated when she does not get something right away. Daniel and Joshua have expressed clearly at times by saying things such as, “I am not good at anything.” “There is something wrong with me.” “I cannot do anything.”

These words rip at my heart.

I do not understand why they automatically think such things. Sometimes I ask and they really have no answers other than, it is how they feel. I try to reassure them and reiterate that emotions are fleeting. I wish I would have known this as a child. I had no one to tell me that what I was feeling was not TRUTH. The negative self-talk and image became my truth because I did not understand anything about emotions. I did not understand that I could feel the emotions, but I did not need to accept them as my identity. However, it is a bit difficult to explain emotions to someone who does not know what they are feeling.

mind funA contorted mesh of connections is hard to explain.

My Aspie mom who did not understand emotions either raised me. We had happy, sad, anger, and depressed. Everything mixed into that was simplified into “You did not clean your room = I am mad.”

“You did listen to me = I am happy,” type of communication.

I learned how to make her happy so she would not be angry because I did not want to feel sad. Gaining knowledge and perspective on emotions has given me the ability to heal. I have been processing and working through so many years of emotional and social confusion (they go together) since October really.

It was then, that I started to see things with more clarity and realized just how much I needed to heal. 

Before I used all of my research as a distraction from my pain. It was still very beneficial because it slowly chipped away layer upon layer of distractions, distortions, fears, anxieties, and familiarity. I have not arrived that is for sure, but I have come a long way. It makes me more aware of my children’s environment and it has given me the ability to help them a bit more in learning about emotions, expression, and self-image. I believe this will help them in the future with relationships. I want them to have it better – I think most parents do. I read this other day and it helped me a great deal The Cracked Vessel. I am no stranger to pathological relationships of all sorts. This article reminded me that my PTSD is not going to disappear miraculously.

Everything connects, Autism, sensory, anxiety, depression, PTSD. 

They can work together in positive ways to bring healing/understanding or they can work together in negative ways to cause me to spiral. We know that Autism, sensory processing disorder, and synesthesia were part of my DNA working its miracles in my mother’s womb. What we did not know was how traumatic, assaulting, and damaging this world could feel. (Not only to me, but I can only speak for myself.) Who knew that this world would be chaotic, attacking, confusing, and overwhelming to me because of the way my brain processes.

We have just skimmed the surface of what the brain does or what it is capable of doing.

Yay! Neurology I love you! Can’t wait to see what else you discover. ;-) I wrote this post in hopes of helping others see that the world they may find full of pleasantries and loads of fun can be painful, scary, and confusing to others. It is not all negative, however, the majority of my life it seemed that way. I am working my way into this world on my terms and in healthy ways for the way my brain works.

Things that may seem very minuscule to some could be traumatic to others.

This goes for everyone, something that I feel is not a big deal could be devastating to another and vice versa. The thought of a sudden loud fire alarm still causes me to feel panicky, sick to my stomach, and makes my ears hurt. I see red blinking lights and my hands over my ears yelling, “Oh, my gosh! Why do they do this?” While my teacher tells me to be quite and just do what I am told. Agg! Flashback! I hope these two posts give some clarity to how the sensory, social, and emotional world can affect someone on the spectrum. I will list C-PTSD symptoms below because I do not feel enough people know about it.

I will also link to PTSD symptoms along with several more resources, like always. :-)

I know that I have written about some of this before, but once again I have a better understanding about myself. I believe there are many people out there who do not realize that they are suffering from C-PTSD and/or PTSD. When I understood what it was and that I was suffering it opened up a door to healing. I had answers for why I was reacting in certain ways. I finally, understood that I could do something about it. I understood these things for my children, but I had not connected it for myself. I hope this post brings a little more awareness and some practical ideas that others can use. If anything I have resources that can be beneficial!

What additional symptoms are seen in Complex PTSD?

An individual who experienced a prolonged period (months to years) of chronic victimization and total control by another may also experience the following difficulties:

  • Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.
  • Consciousness. Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one’s mental processes or body (dissociation).
  • Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.
  • Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator. Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.
  • Relations with Others. Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.
  • One’s System of Meanings. May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Resource list. (Reminder, I may not always agree with the resources I share, but I leave it up to you to determine what information helps you. I find good stuff in all sorts of info even if I do not agree with it.)

Unraveling Emotional Triggers

Post-traumatic stress disorder in people with learning disability

A Developmental Approach to Understanding Complex PTSD

An interesting discussion on WrongPlanet.net  Complex PTSD and Autism

I do not want to leave out the pressure and challenges that parents can be under as well. I will share this link about a mother who stated that she felt trauma from situations with her ASD child. I ask people to open-minded about this. There is no attack toward the child. The parents are not trying to make their child(ren) look horrible, they are simply sharing their experience. As with everything, stress, love, empathy, anxiety, trauma, we all differ in how we are affected. We all differ in how we process and respond. I can relate, but mine is enhanced by other factors as well. I have to work very hard at keeping my balance on a daily basis. Some days I do not do so well, other days it more joy than I can articulate. That is life. :-)  Here is the link. ASD and PTSD

Everyone has their own triggers they can be from food to health issues. I will share some other things that I read in regards to different triggers.

I might have shared this before I cannot remember I consume so much information! ;-)  Uncover and Manipulate Your Triggers to Optimize Your Work and Life

Triggers: What Are They? How Do I Deal With Them? 

These next two are geared toward employment, but I decided to share the information anyway.

How To Hack Your Brain – Part I: Trumping Cultural Triggers

Stop Reacting! Start Responding: How to Hack Your Brain Part 2

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05/29/13

Triggers, Mishmash & Whatnot I

There has been a “new” joke that has paraded around the internet with folks. They have been placing “trigger warning” before any and everything. At first, I was confused by this because trigger warnings are a serious matter to me. I have been abused, and I am diagnosed with PTSD. I have some serious triggers that can affect me and cause me to spiral into PTSD symptoms. Since, I am not normally in the “social know” I had no idea why people were doing this.

I am still unsure, I can infer based upon observations, but I may be inaccurate. :-)

At first, every time I saw the words I took it as a serious warning.  It caused me not to read several blogs because of this confusion. However, I get that it is some sort of joke now after several months. I am not offended or anything, but I would like to address some of the importance behind the words “trigger warning” for people such as myself.

I need the warnings at times.

If I read or see any sort of violence, abuse, trauma, type of posts or images I can be affected in a way that causes me to shutdown or relive my own experiences. Interesting side note: There are certain times when I can watch shows like Law & Order SUV and not have issues, but if I see the actual act of violence even if I know it is not real it can cause a physical reaction and PTSD symptoms.

There are other times when I cannot even look at a violent cartoon.

I have not figured out the why’s of that yet. I have to avoid news and graphic images that show horrible incidents. There are even times when I see a picture of a smiling person who has died that causes me to sink into depression, especially, if it was a horrific scenario. I understand people wanting to share the happy pictures of their loved ones and remember them, but it does cause an emotional response in me. Death I understand, how others respond to death is what I do not understand. I have past experiences of social confusion and hurt when it comes to situations regarding death. It can take me days to recover. My mind, body, and spirit become consumed with images of the person, how they were harmed or passed away, their family and friends who are suffering and many other thoughts form.

If I do not redirect myself, I will start connecting events that are similar from my lifetime.

It can manifest a path of hopeless thoughts and remind me of all the times that I “failed” socially or when people “failed” me with being empathetic toward my requests. My cynical side can wander in and try to convince me that there is nothing good in the world and I can do nothing about it. I used to be unaware of this; I assumed I had no control over these thoughts. I have learned that indeed, I do have intrusive thoughts that seem to come from nowhere, but the discovery of triggers has helped me understand that this is not the case. Many, many things stir my thoughts.

So what are triggers? 

“A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma .

Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. The survivor may begin to avoid situations and stimuli that she/he thinks triggered the flashback. She/he will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person’s triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste.” ~ What is a Trigger?

I am sure that most people are aware of triggers.

However, I wonder how many people on a conscious level know their triggers and know how they affect their daily life. Not many people consider the triggers of children. I am hypersensitive to my children’s triggers. I try to stay aware as much as possible because their triggers can set off a chain of events. Our whole household can turn into a cluster of trigger set-offs! Of course, I am not always on top of it that is not possible. I will use Ariel as an example. A few years ago, she hurt her foot badly from jumping on the bed and falling off. She could not walk on it for about 6 weeks. (Short version) Now anytime she hurts that foot she begins to shake, she starts crying, and will repeat, “Oh, no! Not again, please, please not again.”

It is pretty much word for word every time.

She is accident prone on her feet for some reason. It does not matter if she accidentally stubs her toe or slightly twists her ankle while running, she will respond with wailing, shaking, and the fear that her foot is badly hurt again. I know that my children have triggers from sensory sensitivity as well it causes them to respond in ways that may seem like “overreacting” to people.

Joshua has covered his ears and screamed at the top of his lungs because something was too loud in a store.

Daniel has had a complete meltdown in a Wal-Mart because the lights were flickering and hurting his head. For me, I had no idea that my sensory system felt attacked on an hourly basis in certain environments. I had no idea that the reason why I would lock myself away in my apartment, reading, listening to music, and consuming my special interests that I was creating a healing environment for myself. I did not realize that my stims were bringing me balance and comfort. I did not even know what a stim was until learning about Autism.

emotions012I have many sensory triggers. 

If you have not read this, I highly recommend it PTSD and Autism from the Autism Discussion Page. It is one my favorite resources on facebook.

Sometimes my triggers can be good.

For instance, moving back to my home town I have had several times when the smell of the grass or certain flowers have consumed me and transported me to childhood happiness. There have been moments when I looked at the moon and I could feel the color of purple and indigo making me remember times when I felt safe. My negative triggers have been more consuming for most of my life since it feels like I have many more than positive ones.

Although, that is slowly changing.

I have many social triggers, food triggers, abuse triggers, being manipulated triggers, being rejected, abandoned, isolated, as well as feel good triggers. All of them can have positive and negative effects on me. Linking to two reads here. Never Waste a Good Trigger: Part One and Never Waste a Good Trigger: Part Two. In the past, I allowed my loops to take over my brain – it became an addiction. Whenever I was triggered by something negative, I would let the emotions consume me. It caused me spiral into negative self-talk. I was so familiar with negative feelings that I would actually feel some sort of pleasure from feeding my anxieties and fears.

When I would be triggered, I would go and feed into my trigger creating even more. 

There is something to consider here though, and that is I had NO IDEA that I was triggered by other people’s emotions. Whatever, their triggers and emotional responses to those triggers were would leap onto to me. It truly felt that way. I would be “happy-everything-is-going-well-today-Angel” and suddenly I would be hit with anger, fear, sadness, sorrow, love … etc. I would then, spend hours upon hours trying to figure out what I was feeling and why.

Not only did I have my own inability to discern my emotions, but also I had no clue about how to process other’s emotions.

This alone is traumatic add other components such as being abused from childhood into adulthood by loved ones, friends, and significant others. I was emotionally abandoned which I believe played a key role in my need to find someone, anyone to love me and tell me that I mattered AND existed. I felt invisible and confused much of my life. I would also, go into the polar opposite and feel as though I did not need a single person and I was VERY happy all alone.

I would feel as though I did not need anyone to love me. 

Because of my synesthesia (Remember that synesthesia is a spectrum too not one person is a like there may be similarities, but it is different for each individual.) my emotions and sensory are quite intense. That mixed in with my excellent long- term memory (Most of the time, I have another post coming about losing a chuck of my memory that I only recently discovered was missing.) my triggers can take on a world of their own. Well, they did until I started applying mindfulness as my way of being.

Before that, my world felt much more out of control. 

I felt afraid all the time. I never knew what was going to set me off. I did not understand why things set me off. I did not know that other people did not feel emotions as if they were daggers into the body, or sudden attacks upon their soul. I did not know that others did not see music in designs, that paintings dance, or words have powerful punches with sounds, figures, colors, and movement. I thought everyone felt as I did, but I also knew this could not be the case because people mocked me, got frustrated, or called me “strange” when I shared these things. Social confusion has been one of my biggest triggers. I do plan on writing about that too – it is in progress.

In the next post I share what has helped me and many resources!

Part two tomorrow …

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery II

I did not recognize it until the next day, but I went into PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms. Anxiety filled me, as well as irritability, I was shaking/shivering, cold, nauseous and I started to fixate on facebook. I made myself get off, I had tears, all the sudden I felt ugly, worthless, depressed, panicked at noise, everything became loud and buzzing. I could not eat and I could not sleep. I felt alone and scared. It was not until the next morning that it all made sense when I was still having those symptoms. They were intensified because I had not slept in a couple of days and because  of my confusing interaction with Joshua’s teacher, but at least I was able to understand what was happening.

My high school days were some of the most painful and confusing times.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years of my stint in that school. However, I was unaware that I was being abused. I knew that my unnameable fears and anxieties were at high levels during that time. I was stalked; my personal space and time were continually violated. Other girls who called me things like “slut” and “whore” bullied me. There were rumors spread about me that were vile, I found out later that my boyfriend said many of them at the time, or my so called friends. While I sat at home babysitting my sisters taking care of the household because my mom worked 50-60 hours a week, and my step dad at the time was a drug using, drug selling, womanizing  lazy jerk, there were claims that I was out partying and hooking up with numerous guys. Nice.

Many other things happened too.

I felt like I had to continually watch my back. Several girls hated me and I did not know why. Many guys confused me. My teachers did not change their attitude toward me either. I had two teachers who ever said anything positive to me. My U.S. History teacher, who said that he knew that I was much smarter than I let on and my literature teacher who said she wanted to see me in advanced literature. She was impressed with my writing skills and with my major assignment that I did on “Death.” My economics teacher did compliment me because of my hard work on a stock exchange project we did. I did get an award for that – I just remembered that.

It is hard to remember any good memories because there were so many traumatic ones.

In my home life, my social life, and at school. I had no safe place anywhere. I was in the vice-principles office often. Either for skipping class or smoking. I was in the nurses office a lot too because I always felt sick. They never asked me why, they always assumed I just did not want to go to class because I was a delinquent. I could not tell them that a math teacher made fun of me all the time in front of the class. He was the football coach and found it amusing to mock me when I asked questions. I could not tell them that the P.E. teacher found it amusing to measure my BMI and then proceed to call me obese. (He said that he was joking.) When I was maybe 120 pounds. That was a great thing to say to a teenage girl who had a boyfriend who was already calling her fat.

I dropped down to 100 pound by the next years.

I could not tell them that I skipped and hid in the bathroom because I found a huge bag of marijuana in my step dad’s coat pocket one day and I just needed to be alone to try and process what to do. Or that my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him. Or that my mom woke me up at three in the morning demanding that I do the dishes even though we had no dish soap so I was forced to use powdered laundry detergent. I could not tell them that the boys made derogatory comments to me that half the time I did not understand so I did not want to be in class. I could not tell them that several girls in another class that I was in threatened me.

No one listened and I did not know how to be heard.

When I tried to tell my story, they did not believe me or thought that I was being unruly because I could not get my words out. This caused me to have meltdowns, one major one with screaming, hitting, and raging in the office. IN ADDITION, when that happened I recall at least once being asked if I was having my period. That is not even the half of my life that happened while in that school. I understood how important it was for me to go and turn my thoughts into positives. I really wanted to see my niece perform. I wanted to be there for my sister, and I wanted to see my dad and step mom. I decided this time around I was not going to internalize my fears. I shared a little on facebook to get it out. It gave me the strength to text my dad and tell him that I was having problems because of all the negatives I had associated with that place.

Thankfully, he was supportive along with my sister and step mom.

They did not make a big deal out of it, but I could tell they were trying to “be there” for me. My dad met us in the parking lot. The school looked so tiny and not scary at all. It felt very different walking in there with my kids. It had only a momentary affect on me. When I looked down the hallways, my lung filled with heavy air. It smelled the same; I saw my locker when I was a senior. I saw the hallway where my other locker was when I was a freshman. The foreboding left as quickly as it came when I walked into the auditorium. It was where I had been in a beauty pageant. I discovered that pageants were not my type of thing, but I had positive memories of that day. I had memories flood of when I was in choir and my performances.

Eww, and that horrible electric blue dress we all had to wear that one year! 

It made me laugh. We sat into the front row and all three kids did great. They sat the entire time and relaxed in the semi-dark to some tunes. Daniel asked a bunch of questions, but he did an amazing job at sitting there and trying to be quiet. He enjoyed himself. During the performance, I noticed that the woman I had talked to about music therapy was there. She recognized me and came up to me afterwards. She said that they have been working on a project to start “Sensory Friendly” concerts. She said, after watching Daniel she knew that it would be a great project to start. We talked for a little bit longer about the summer schedule for music therapy and went on our way.

It was a positive social interaction for me (with a woman) in my old school. 

The whole thing was positive. When we were leaving, my dad decided that he wanted a picture of my locker on the way out. Another guy, went by the lockers with his wife and he had the locker next to me. I did not remember him at all so I think he was a couple of years before me, but I am not sure. I am not sure I would remember many faces from my school days. I took a picture of the kids in the hallway to help melt away the past memories of those hallways being filled with negatives.

Their smiling faces consumed them.

I walked out feeling a little more whole than I had before. It felt good. I could finally, look at the building and feel peace. I feel a little teary eyed right now in a strange sort of way. It feels as though I have lost a large chunk of my identity, but that I have gained a large part at the same time. I think I am going to be able to pull out some positive memories from school soon, after all of these negatives ones settle their voices. I knew coming back home was going to be challenging and liberating – I am glad that I am here.

A few resources. 

Psychological and Behavioral Impact of Trauma: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

Signs of Trauma in Children

Types of Traumatic Stress

Happy pictures! 

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me.  It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

panicIt was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/23/13

Are You Calling Me & Other Autistics Sociopaths? (Think About It)

I am going there. I want people to think about what they are saying when they say that Autistics “lack empathy.” I have been over this on my blog, and I have shared a several posts revealing how my son Daniel, who is Autistic, shows and expresses empathy along with myself. Autism and Empathy: Dispelling Myths and Breaking Stereotypes , which Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg Editor and Publisher created, is an entire website featuring many posts and articles sharing truths about Autism and empathy. If you are still under the premise that we as Autistics “lack empathy”, I would suggest going to her website to get a more accurate view.

I want to make a strong impression here because I believe we have enough information now to change the perspective.

However, many still believe that we are unable to feel or express empathy. I blame this on the plethora of literature and media that continue to speak about us, without us. In my opinion, I also feel that society tries to blanket emotions as a whole and generalize them into easy compartments that are only defined by what the “group” is thinking for the moment. Interestingly, some people fail to consider how complex emotions are to each individual. Speaking for myself, I find my emotions too difficult to articulate many times because of the complexity that I feel. I work through them in my creative writings because I am unable to discern immediately what emotions belong to me, and what emotions belong to others.

I can pick up the emotions of others without realizing what I am doing.

It has been confusing for the majority of my life. I become greatly affected by events in people’s life or in media. Much of what Eileen Parker wrote in her post Autism, Empathy and Boston is how I felt. I have managed to express my emotions in the most simplistic of terms much of the time. Happy or sad are pretty much my staple expressions of emotions. Last night my friend Lori shared a wonderful post that helped me understand myself in this area a great deal. Go have a read Accepting Emotional Regulation. I have read a few things now that say in order to have empathy for others it is dependent upon understanding your own feelings.

love-care-quote-quotesI understand my feelings very much, it is when others get in the mix that I can become confused. 

Here is where I am confused now, how can people not understand the negative associations and misinterpretations about Autistics when they claim these things? When will these negative terms start to dismantle and be edited into better terms and understanding in the books and society? Based upon the history of human existence I feel that it will be longer than, we hope.

However, I DO have hope.

I am relying on the numerous Autistic voices stepping up and sharing how they really think, along with our advocates sharing their perspectives. Still, we have a lot of work to do. Today I am sharing what I feel. I want to express clearly, what it means to me when I hear or read about Autistics lacking empathy. It has been burning in my brain for years. For a while, I believed it. I was so terrified that I was a narcissist that I researched what narcissism was just to be clear.

I did a three part series on the difference between narcissists and Aspergers.

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

The more I researched the more I believed that Autistics do not fall under the criteria of lacking empathy.

Something that rang through my brain was how everyday people, who are supposed to have the ability to empathize, are the same people who bully. Bullying is a Group Phenomenon − What Does It Mean And Why Does It Matter? The thoughts flooded my brain about instances when I witnessed someone being bullied and I stepped in to stop it while others stood and watched. I felt what that person was feeling and I could not sit back and let it happen. I have done this in school, at church, and at the workplace. Yes, adults bully and they do it at work.

Is this different from empathy in some way?

I think the definition of empathy is loose and left up to each individual. However, when a person with a degree or medical background claims that they have dibs and somehow work it into our societal jargon we are left with their interpretation. It offends me. It hurts me. It annoys me. Mostly, it has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Even if one says, that they did not mean to imply that Autistics are narcissistic or sociopaths the fact of the matter is that being defined as lacking empathy falls under the criteria of narcissism, antisocial personality disorder, as well as psychopaths. These are associated with symptoms of lacking empathy, Autism has been lumped into to that on several resources that I read. They are claiming that we lack the ability to feel another person’s emotions or understand from their perspective, or care?

This has been based upon how we react in situations or what we say?

For instance, instead of emotionally responding instantaneously we start to ask questions that seem inappropriate or we shutdown completely, this is considered showing lack of empathy. For me I may ask questions in order to understand the situation better because in my mind I automatically want to understand and create long lasting helps. I do not do quick fixes. If you are hurt, I want to know the what’s and the why’s to first insure that I was not the cause. If you are excited, I want to know all the details and I mean every detail. Many people just expect you to respond toward them in the way that they would respond.

I do this too.

I still struggle with thinking that people would or should react with empathy toward me the way I expect. That is why I have continued to be baffled at people in general. They will claim that we lack empathy, but they do not try to empathize with our emotions or situations. We are required to be bombarded in sensory assaulting environments and then, if we have a meltdown, shutdown, are cranky, lose our words, or stare blankly we are ruining the fun? If our favorite object breaks or our schedule is suddenly changed, we are supposed to be able to “get a new one” or “get over it” because “it is not that big of a deal.”

Well, those things are a big deal to me and to my son. 

To be quite blunt about it by definition, I feel that those who continue to claim that we lack empathy are operating in the very thing I am being accused of.

Let us take a look here.

“Empathy is the capacity to recognize emotions that are being experienced by another sentient or fictional being. One may need to have a certain amount of empathy before being able to experience accurate sympathy or compassion.” ~ Wiki 

Simple enough, huh?

I would like people not to be offended at my words, but once again, to be quite blunt, we Autistics are still being labeled and falsely perceived as lacking empathy. My purpose here is to ask you to stop and think just for a moment. Do you truly understand the meaning of empathy? It is a broad definition based upon your perceptions and wants. How you want to be understood is how you expect others to show you empathy. We all need to take a step back and reconsider our expectations. The generalized conceptions about empathy limits us and does not allow room for growth, self or in our society.

Currently, the generalized attitude seems to be that anyone who lacks empathy lacks emotion, feeling, or the ability to care for others.

That attitude would assume that I am a narcissistic, unfeeling, uncaring droid if I were to tell anyone that I am an Aspergers adult. These words shine such a negative light that it puts me on the defense at times. Why? Because it hurts, makes me anxious and fearful. It makes me feel as though I need to defend the way I think and how I process. It makes me feel isolated and misunderstood. It makes me question my actions and constantly try to evaluate what and how I perceive my world. It makes me worry about how people will respond to my son. I have had a lifetime of being told how wrong I am and people telling me how my actions and words are wrong. I have had to filter through all of that and learn to accept myself.

I have had to wade through all the negative associations toward Autism for my son and myself.

What I do not understand is why people are so quick to assume the negatives about autism. Why are so many people unwilling to use positive lingo instead of painting all of us as dismal way of being. I do not run from the fact that there are great challenges. I live them daily with my son and myself. Some days it is extremely difficult, but I ask how can it get any better when we have to face a world that looks at us with negative eyes. Does the world truly think that we are sociopaths? Do people really believe that we are like robots without emotions? Are we such difficult creatures that we have to be explained in terms as being broken? Is the way we process our world so incredibly awful that all energies must be projected into finding ways to make us more like the general public?

News flash, the general public is hurting.

There are people suffering from all sorts of physical, mental, and emotional issues. Many have no one to empathize with them about their disability, their depression, their anxiety, their fears, their “disorders,” or hurts. There is no one stepping up and saying, “I feel you, let me help.” Many of them are like me, reaching out through the internet because no-one-else in their life understands. These souls reaching out to find others who know what the hell they are feeling and talking about.

Think about it.

If you are reading this, have you stepped into my shoes for a moment? We are being told repeatedly that we need to understand how your world works. It is being demanded that we learn your system that is foreign and difficult for us to understand. We are being requested to change the way we think, respond, and express. BUT people fail to see how hard we have been trying to do just that. We have tried to fit in, belong, understand, be accepted, study and figure out this system of humanity that makes us feel like aliens on our own planet.

There are many reasons why an Autistic person reacts in the way that they do.

Maybe the next time you feel as though the Autistic person is showing a lack of empathy, how about you step back for a moment and ask them directly and clearly, what they are doing. Do not ask broad generalized questions, or tell them that they do not understand. Ask them point-blank “What are you thinking in this moment?” However, if you do be prepared for the possibilities of the most foreign thought you could think of, but know that whatever they are thinking could be a great riddle to solve. It could lead to a grand answer of them expressing such empathy that you would never have imagined. It could happen. You could be hammered with a bunch of questions that could lead to surprising helps that you never would have considered.

You could end up with silence and them walking away. 

And the next day their favorite stuffed animal or pair of headphones on your desk. You just never know what exciting empathetic gifts could be given to you. I will share several links to my posts in regards to how Daniel has expressed empathy. I will also, share one trying to express how I do by asking questions. I am going to share several other posts from others as well. I hope that I make sense in this post. It is coming from a slight offense, even though I tried not to be negative. I still, do have my opinion and feelings about this. I respect everyone’s journey and their times that they need to vent. I do not judge condemn, or speak ill of them. I work through my own emotional response and trust in the process of everyone’s journey.

However, I think people need to start critically thinking about what they are saying to an entire population that has been ignored far too long.  

Positives About My Autistic Son

“I Do Not Understand”

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

“What Is The Cat Feeling?”

My Autistic Son Comforted Me Today

Daniel, Me & Empathy

Things that I read.

How I Experience Empathy 

Autism, empathy, and violence: One of these things doesn’t belong here

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind (Sharing this one again!)

A Radical New Autism Theory (Radical??)

How to Test Your Empathy

It’s Hard to Live with Someone Who Lacks Empathy

Empathy 

10 things not to say to someone with Asperger’s

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04/18/13

Family (Dys)Functions

A couple of weeks ago, some of my family threw me a birthday party. Many things went well and I did have a great time. There are certain things that my family thinks is funny to do. One is doing things like getting me a princess crown for my birthday and making me wear it. They know how much I do not like crowns or girly type of things like, PINK anything! Lol!

Or lots of hugging!

I do admit, that I have felt more comfortable hugging them in the last month due to changes in them and me. In the past, I was unsure if they were being mean, joking, or just plain insensitive. I now understand that many things that are done are simply because it has always been done. My dad’s side of the family grew up picking on each other and tormenting each other. They bullied each other. (There is a LONG history that goes into the why’s.)

They played tricks and spoke things that apparently some siblings do.

My mom grew up being picked on and tormented by her father’s family. My grandfather was sometimes the cruelest man I ever laid eyes on then, in the next moment he could be sweet as honey. I was confused by the mocking and picking on from both sides my entire life. It makes me sick to witness such things; it was detrimental to my mental state when I was the focus of mockery. I soaked in every word believing them to be true. My confusion would heighten when I would address it, and ask why they would say or do such mean things.

I was told it was “a joke.”

Why wouldn’t I think it was funny if a family member made fun of the way I ate, or laughed? Why didn’t I find it amusing if they made fun of the clothes I wore, what color my hair was, if I did not understand a joke and asked what they meant? Why wouldn’t I laugh it off if they called me a “spaz” or “dingy.” Why would I get my feelings hurt and feel horrible about myself when I was around them? I understood recently, that these things were not about me. I also, took note that on both sides of my family they did not do it to me as much as they did it to one another. I noticed that they made fun of all of their own quirks, sensory issues, obsessions, etc… as well.

The difference that I understood about myself was that I did not do that. 

Throughout my life, I did not mock my oddities or myself until someone else started mocking me, or mocked their own that were similar to mine. I believe I have shared some this before. I did not tear apart my appearance until someone else started doing it to theirs, or nit-picked at my appearance. I did not feel badly about myself until someone made me feel as though I should. I did not see myself as being “wrong” or “flawed” until others implied it through their jokes and mockery, of either themselves or me. Once the self-deprecation and negative self-talk would start out of others mouths, I began to mirror. My mom did this constantly, she has gotten much better at stopping, but I grew up with it. After years of this, from my mom onto virtually every family member, I took on the script of self-deprecation.

I already had this realization a while ago. 

However, what I am writing about now is how this no longer affects me in the way that it used. I understand that I mirrored that behavior in order to protect myself. I did it with my classmates, friends, significant others, co-workers, and family. I did it first so that they could not do it to me. This was learned. I watched my family become hurt or upset at the words or actions that other family members inflicted. I also, observed that their defense was to counter attack with another “joke” or “put down in a loving way” (sometimes not so loving) toward the person who started it. There were many innuendos and slides that I did not understand.

I did not catch many that were directed toward me. 

I was either oblivious (still am) or it confused me so much that I would shutdown. None of this would catch up with me until hours sometimes days later. I understand that this family dynamic is most likely never going to change. The digs and jokes are their way of showing affection as well as  indirectly speaking unpleasantries to each other. I have learned that many people communicate like that – I still do not get it. My mom and sisters do this with each other too. I find it all odd because it hurts me when these things are said or done. As I was thinking about this more, I realized that lately my family has been doing this even lesser than before.

I am grateful. 

I think that the reason is that I have been so vocal about my confusion with these things and that I shared with them how I no longer had any idea if any of them loved me. That was the truth. I felt so unlovable and so broken that the thought of anyone loving me seemed impossible. I was also, so confused by the social dynamics in my family that I could not filter through their words or actions properly. They have stepped up and have tried to keep reminding me that I am loved and that I matter.

I hate the fact that I need this validation because it makes me feel weak. 

That is a whole other issue, about me wanting to be independent and never needing or wanting anyone. I have observed in my family that only the weakest links share their emotions or express their need for validation. It is indirect and eluded to, but it is there. Several things have helped me to let some of that fear go. The changes that my family has made has helped, my uncle sharing with me on a facebook comment that he was diagnosed with depression and got help, and me remembering that I do not think that my quirks, oddities, or the way that I think is wrong.

I do not feel wrong. 

I cannot change a person’s perspective about how I respond to things. I cannot change how people think about me as a person. I cannot change how people perceive my “Autismness.”  What I can do is be honest and share what hurts me. I can tell people that I am not broken, I am considered disabled, and I do have many challenges, but I also have many strengths. This TED video Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity, I have watched several times now to help me process the word “disabled” and society’s perceptions.

I find myself in a limbo type state of understanding my own disabilities, but not feeling disabled. (That I am still pondering.)  

I have had to go through a process of self-acceptance, especially with discovering that I am Autistic. I am still unable to share with many family members because I do not feel that they will be able to accept it. It is not because they do not love me, but because it is a hard to grasp. It is difficult to process that the person you have perceived one way your entire life is not that way at all.

They are not thinking like you in the slightest.

The way they interpret the world is so vastly different that you are unable to comprehend it in the least bit. There are also the revelations of all the times you have hurt them or damaged their psyche without even knowing it. I would think that those who care for you would be heartbroken if they discovered that their actions and words contributed to PTSD. I have gone through my revelations of how my actions and words have been misinterpreted causing pain to my family.

Granted all I can do is move forward and little by little explain how I think and why I do the things, I do.

That opportunity would never have opened up had I not shared the severe pain and isolation I was feeling. I took a chance because I had reached the point of despair. I no longer had anything to lose. I knew that I had to reach out and if I was rejected then, I knew! It was a choice of moving on without them or moving forward with them. I am thankful that my family is trying and they are accepting me where I am, but I am in control of what and when I share. I am determining what is healthy to share for me not because of them. (I hope that makes sense.)

I may be able to share that I am Autistic one day with them. 

However, I realize that my attitude before was too abrasive and demanding. I expected them to change immediately with my sudden changes. I went through many stages of feeling hurt and rejected by the ways they have responded toward Daniel. When I finally, accepted and understood I expected them to do the same. People do not work like that. They do not accept differences and changes instantaneously. They do not change their wording from “wrong” to “right” in a day. They will not see “disabilities” in a positive way the second someone says, “Society needs to change.”

Changing minds and perspectives is a gradual movement.

It happens little by little, those who change their mind rapidly normally have not built a strong foundation for their own thoughts. They usually sway with whatever the new perspective is in the moment. Whatever facebook or Twitter is telling them today is what they believe and fight for. In the last month, what I have noticed in the home front is my family being more open to listen about Daniel. They have been more accepting of his behaviors and interacting with him more comfortably. They have not been looking at him in the distance, but they have not been pressuring him to interact either.

All of this has made me feel more comfortable and not on the defense. 

I have dropped my expectations of wanting my family to accept that I am Autistic. I feel as though since, my defenses have gone down they have become more accepting of him. Is it my perceptions changing or theirs? I think it is a little of both. My thoughts about all of this has given me even more reason to believe that the way we can change the perceptions of Autism is to find the bridges to communicate.

It requires breaking down defenses and being open-minded.

It is hard to find that balance. It is hard for me not to get offended when I hear negative words used to describe Autism. It is hard for me to try to be compassionate toward people who speak about Autistics as though we are broken, wrong, and/or disabled. It is hard to keep a positive image of myself when these things are said about me and generalized over Autistics. It is reality, people still feel that way because we live in a word that needs labels, distinctions, “us vs. them,” normal and not normal even though neither can be accurately defined.

I still see a world that requires a wrong or right.

Until we can all accept the gray areas, it will always be here. All we can do is impact as much as we can in our space on earth allotted to us and be satisfied that we have done our part. I am slowly changing the dysfunctions that were ingrained into me growing up. I am picking them out piece-by-piece and making dramatic changes in myself.

I no longer fear going to family events.

I no longer feel the need to push understanding on them. I no longer feel afraid that I will fall into mirroring self-destructive behaviors when being around them. I no longer fear that they will hurt me. I see with clarity that all of my fears and defenses caused me more harm than, they did.

I know who I am in this moment. (I will reach some other level of me later, I presume. :-) ) 

I am accepting myself more each day. Their support and validation has helped a great deal, but I could not have gotten to this place without doing the work in myself first. Families all have their dysfunctions, but they do not have to control or define who we are. Something that I have learned in a new light is that I CAN create my own healing even in the midst of dysfunction. I did not think that was possible before, I thought I needed to escape or isolate, but I do not.

I have the strength to change even when others around me may not be. 

It is not always easy; there are some people who have to be distanced or even cut out of your life. That decision has to be based on how toxic they are to you and your mental state. There is nothing wrong with getting away from toxic relationships. However, if their most damning of torture is to make you wear a princess crown on your birthday, I think they can stick around.

Some pictures of the event.

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04/5/13

Celebrate Good Times, Come on …

I am quite chipper today. I have a huge sense of accomplishment in multiple areas of my life. I feel like celebrating it! I feel much better about Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month. I am excited about all of things that have been happening. (Look here Autism Acceptance Month.) I dealt with my personal issues and anxieties. I finally, came to the conclusion and acceptance, once again, that I will never make everyone happy.

I will participate in my way and not feel badly about how I contribute.

I think my fears are triggered by the familiar feelings that I have from church settings. (long story) I have moments when I feel as though I am an Autistic and Autistic parent who does not belong in the Autism community, and other times I am overwhelmed with understanding, belonging, and acceptance. I am not sure how to articulate those feelings very well.

I am not sure if others feel that way too, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I believe I have written about it before, however, my mind is spinning with all sorts’ positivity. This week I FINALLY fulfilled many of the goals that I have been talking (writing) about for what has seemed like decades. I got Ariel and Joshua signed up for gymnastics, which will start next Saturday. While they are doing that Daniel and I will enjoy some swimming action. :-) I signed Ariel up for gymnastic camp and Joshua into basketball camp for the summer. Daniel is signed up for Music Therapy social group for the summer session. I am waiting on his evaluation to determine if he qualifies for a Medicaid Waiver.

I hope he qualifies because his therapies will end when school ends.

The Music Therapy is covered under the waiver. They provide OT, Speech, academic helps, reading, sensory integration, as well as use the social groups to connect all aspects of the therapies. He would receive an individualized evaluation to work on his specific needs. It would be so perfect for him. He is naturally drawn to music and he uses it to help him process what he learns already. He loves everything about instruments, sounds, rhythms, beats, and on and on. He has taught himself several songs on the keyboard. He keeps asking for a “real” piano. I am keeping my eyes open for some great miracle of a bargain in hopes that something may pop up.

I also, registered Ariel into fine arts classes with a home school co-op.

She will be learning from a technically trained artist for drawing and painting 101. I think this will help her with her natural talents as an artist. She also decided to take Beginning Strings, which is taught by an instructor who holds a Master of Music and Suzuki Pedagogy. We will see how everything goes. It is fantastic to be able to experience these things. I admit I was a little concerned, I have seen some home school co-ops that have not been as professional. Not all are alike and I am NOT generalizing, but still I am not going to pour money into something unless it is worthwhile and will be beneficial to my child’s learning.

I think you know what I am trying to say. (I mean no disrespect to anyone, please know that.)

The woman I spoke with said that there are many girls her age taking the classes. Ariel and I are elated! She has been asking to make friends with girls, but it just has not worked out. I have been taking her with me Monday and Thursday nights to the YMCA to hang out with other kids. It has boosted her spirits. She really needs some time of her own away from the boys. She has been requesting it and I am happy to have a place to take her that she is enjoying.

I am amazed at my sudden fearlessness.

It is as if something has clicked. I have gained a whole new voice and perspective about myself. I have surprised myself at how outgoing I have been. I do know that I can be very outgoing, but then, be extremely introverted as well. Being introverted does not mean being shy or unable to be outgoing. I have noticed that after my social encounters I have taken the down time that I need. For instance, when I come home, after getting everyone else undressed, re-clothed, and taken care of, I take about 15 minutes to myself. This has made a huge difference in my stress and anxieties. I have also stopped worrying about what people are doing, or “trying” to tell me.

I assume that if they have something to tell me they will.

If they do not and expect me to “read” between the lines, that is their problem. I have no time for that stuff. I will no longer spend unnecessary energy on trying to figure out the communication twistings of others. It is their responsibility to tell me what they want me to know. If they expect me to read their mind, well that is simply unrealistic. I have taken on that mindset in my closer social circles. When I meet new people, I now go in not worrying about whether or not they will accept me. I go in with a positive hopeful attitude. If they like me and want to get to know me, great. If not, oh, well. I have boundaries and understand how to use them now.

Before I was desperately seeking for people to understand me, accept me, and acknowledge me!

The root of this issue was that I had not done those things for myself. I had been swallowed up in searching for an identity through others without realizing it. It is good to receive those things from others, but I should not look to others for them. Much of it had to do with being confused for so long about who I was and why I thought so differently from others. Why was I such an odd, quirky individual who did not even seem to fit in with other odd, quirky individuals? I have concluded that some days I feel perfectly fine in my own skin and other days I do not.

There are times when I can be extremely social and outgoing.

There are other times when I cannot. I will go with each cycle of myself and live happily accepting all of my different ways of being. Currently, I am in an outgoing, adventurous type of cycle. While I am in this cycle, I will get as many goals accomplished as possible. I will try what I want to during this time because it will give me the foundation of doing those things when I feel less adventurous. (lessening my anxiety in some ways) On Monday, I got to my cycle class late and all of the bikes were full. I looked at my aunt and said, “Bummer.” Then, walked down the hall to the next class, thought it was Zumba and decided to find out.

I walked in and asked what class it was; she said that it was Zumba.

I decided to give it a try. It was fantastic. I met several ladies that were very nice. I enjoyed myself and actually did not mind that much that I was in a room with a bunch of sweaty women, looking at a wall of mirrors! In the past, I would have gone home after missing out on the cycle class. I know I would have felt deflated. I did not this week, and last night I got to do Piloxing for the first time. Guess what? I love it! I will be going to spin class and Piloxing on a regular basis. That has changed too. I AM doing things for myself and doing things that I enjoy.

I am not only voicing when I need a break, I am saying, “I am taking a break.”

I am not sure if this side of me will be tired out by tomorrow after my family throws me my birthday party. My dad chose this week because last week was Easter and that would not work out for all of us. So tomorrow, I have family coming in, the party will be at my aunt’s house, and we will have another social event. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be good. Easter went great and we all had a great time. No meltdowns and it was very enjoyable. Daniel played on their piano most of the time. :-)

I know that I will need to take more down time after this weekend.

I have been going for two weeks straight with all sorts of new things and social situations. Yesterday, I took the kids to get their eye exams. I am so thrilled with how well it went. The doctor and nurse were perfect. They were so accommodating. They explained every detail for the kids as well as for me. They answered the plethora of questions that each of them had. I really appreciate it when people address my children with respect like that. The kids and I had fun; it was getting to be a bit too much for Daniel and Joshua after a while. We were there for almost three hours. However, all went well and we took the day to recuperate.

Ariel and Daniel are getting glasses.

Daniel is not too excited about wearing them. That may be a challenge. It all feels surreal. The kids and I have been doing so many more things out of the house and it has not made things worse. We seem to be much happier and calmer. Who would have though? And now I will celebrate these good times because as you know, it could change at any moment. Not that I am expecting horrible things, I am only expecting the best, preparing for the possibility of the worst, and enjoying all the great along the way! There are more things to write about, but I seem to be too babbly even for myself. I’ve been this way for a couple of days …

I will celebrate the last two weeks and the major changes in myself! 

Go Kool & The Gang! Lol!

 

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04/1/13

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day (Month, Lifetime!)

Hello folks! This year I have found myself feeling the anxiety of the month of April on the first day of March. I do not do well with tension and now that is what Autism Awareness Month represents to me. I already struggle terribly with social situations and relationships. I have had to muddle through all sorts of emotions when it comes to the Autism Community. I have had such penetrating feelings of isolation and belonging that at times I have to walk away to gain my clarity of mind once again. My own journey started with Autism awareness transitioning into acceptance not only for my son, but come to find out for myself!

When Autism came into our vocabulary, it was new. 

I had virtually no knowledge of Autism whatsoever. I had to research, process, dissect, dismantle, research more, and break down an entire mental perspective, process, loop, more looping so on, and so forth. :-) It has taken time, it will continue. I had no idea that my life would become a daily process filled with Autism awareness and acceptance. We are all at different journeys in this process. We all have our unique perspective that is influenced by many factors. I write about my journey and my perspective it is different from my Autistic peers in many ways and it is similar in many ways. I share my perspective as a parent of an Autistic child, some autistic mothers may relate some may not.

10497007-light-bulb-vector-illustrationI have had to and still am in the process of accepting that I am Autistic. 

This is not a bad thing, it has given me such a new outlook on life, and how I see other people and my world. It has answered so many questions that I had about myself. It does not dismiss my challenges or my past that is filled with pains and scars. There are some days that I feel angry because had someone diagnosed me early on my life could have been much different. However, there are no guarantees that it would have been for the better, it could have caused even more struggles. There is no peace in “what could have been’s.” What we do have is the here and now.

And we can do a lot with that.

This year I have realized that I have more empathy toward those who have no knowledge of Autism, or those who are struggling with accepting that it is a part of their life. I relate in new ways to a person realizing that, they are Autistic, through self-diagnosis or receiving their “official” diagnosis.  I see with a different perspective the parents who have just learned that their child is Autistic. I think about how they make their choices to take on the journey of “fighting” it or embracing it. I have come to a place of looking back at my own experience and can apply understanding to others that I could not before.

I am obviously on the side of acceptance, but I will not attack a person who does not agree with me.

I do not have to agree with you to have empathy. I can understand because I have had to go through my own process. In the beginning, it was becoming aware. At times, I become amazed at my own ignorance (may sound harsh) in believing that people know about Autism. I have been baffled when I hear or read people talk about Autism and it feels like the Dark Ages. The reality is many people still do not have an accurate awareness about Autism. There are still many misconceptions, myths, and distorted perceptions.

Media and campaigns are not always the most accurate outlets.

However, they are springboards for getting information out there. In this past year, I have seen many more Autistics writing and sharing their personal journeys. I have read many more blogs from parents who focus on the positives of their child’s (rens) autism. I have read more websites that are focusing on the needs of Autistic children (still we need more focus on needs and helps for children and parents) and slowly there are some for adults. We still have quite a ways to go for Autistic adults; I am struggling with that myself. I need assistance and help in certain areas of my life, but I cannot get it.

The positive is that I am finding resources for my son.

I am thankful for the virtual school because they have made it possible for him to have therapies that my husband’s insurance does not cover, and unfortunately, we make too much to qualify for assistance, but not enough to pay for them out of pocket. Therefore, I keep getting creative and try to find ways to get him what he needs. :-) I see both the positive and the negative and I still hold onto hope. Some days not so much, but today I see the light. (It is not blue. A joke, relax!)

I am not sure if my post is expressing what I had hoped it would. 

However, I want this month to be a positive experience this year. I do not want to get to April next year and feel that tinge in my heart and the stone in my gut. I am going to take this month as I do each month and write what I am dealing with, our family adventures, our challenges and our GREAT days, and most of all continue to share my Autistic perspective. I can only hope that my openness and experiences that I share on my blog will move people to be more open to the possibility that no matter where we are at on the spectrum our challenges and needs are valid and need to move from awareness, acceptance, and to more action.

I do not want to be filled with anxiety this whole month. 

I will not argue, or demand that people share my point of view. I will continue to do what I have done all along, share my Autistic life spreading awareness, hoping for acceptance, longing for action, and support those within my community. There are plenty of people who are sharing some great posts this year. I hope people will wander and meander to read the different perspectives with openness and acceptance all around. I will once again share an older post because I still feel the same, pretty much. Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

Happy Autism Awareness/Acceptance (Every) Day! 

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03/24/13

A-ha! Moment & Some 80′s Music

I just had an “a-ha” moment. It finally sunk into my head that I am not the problem. Hear me out, now I am happy to own up to any of my wrongdoings. I am usually the first one to point them out and confess them with utter apologies. However, I am not at fault for every single mishap in relationships. I knew nothing of boundaries, being that my violations started at the age of five. You cannot have healthy relationships without healthy boundaries.

 I read this today that gave me much clarity into the reasons why I have had such difficulties with boundaries.

“Some persons, however, have great difficulty setting boundaries—they may even believe that setting boundaries is rude—and this difficulty usually derives from child abuse. But let’s be clear that abuse can range from subtle emotional manipulation to severe sexual and physical abuse. To the unconscious, though, any abuse, no matter how mild or severe, is an insult to personal dignity. It’s precisely this insult to personal dignity that explains why adults who were abused as children lack the ability to set appropriate boundaries. Why? Well, their not having boundaries served them as a defense mechanism in childhood. Most abused children know intuitively that if you try to do anything to resist the abuse, you just get hurt all the more. So setting aside any resistance means less hurt.”  ~ A Guide to Psychology and its Practice  (A very informative site.)

I have been made to feel that setting boundaries is NOT loving to others. 

In order to survive throughout my life in relationships and even some work places, I have had to eliminate boundaries. If I set them, I was rejected in some form or fashion. Being that I felt rejected from childhood on my desires was to feel accepted and wanted. Thankfully, at some point, I believe my lack of understanding about emotional manipulation and my absolute need for solitude and personal space, I would become fed up and end the relationship. Some were easier than others were, but I got to a point where the cost of my sanity outweighed the cost of my desire of being accepted and loved.

Another positive thing about how my mind works is that I do not need people to feel complete.

I desire genuine relationships and to have long-lasting friendships, but I do not feel wrong or bad about myself for not having them in “real” life. I do believe I have some great friends virtually, but it does have its limits. There are times when I wish I had a person right here with me to see what is going on in my life. I would like to have someone I could go to in the physical realm. I have support from my family; however, it is still not the same. I think  many people can understand what I mean by that statement.

I have been working on boundaries for a long time, but I have had such difficulty with it.

I was not sure why. I understood several things from an intellectual mindset – I could not connect the emotional aspect until I read that paragraph above about abuse and boundaries. I get it! (Inserting another link :-)  Setting Personal Boundaries – protecting self.) It explains why I have shut down so many times and disassociated from myself, environment, relationships, and felt the only way I could survive was to cut off feeling my emotions. This has been going on for decades and it explains why when I have been single and lived by myself that I did not do this in such extremes.

There is a lot to all of that though. 

Now that I can see with clarity how my boundaries were violated, and how I took the path of least resistance I can start setting them without confusion. My recent lack of maintaining boundaries was due to my confusion about boundaries. I have been manipulated to believe that setting boundaries is the uncaring thing to do. It disrespects the other person. It shows lack of trust on my part. It is hurtful to the other person. I should be giving everything including my thoughts, emotions, belongings, etc…

I have been led to believe that I do not deserve boundaries. 

I felt that boundaries only belonged to the person(s) who were in authority, or perceived authority. I had several specific things from life as examples, but  I decided to remove them because I felt too vulnerable. I will share a list below and will link to Recognizing Boundary Issues if other would like more specifics about boundaries. (This is not only in personal life, this happens at work, in religious settings, sports, and it is in every type of relationship. Here is one link I will share The Lowdown On Abusive Bosses And The Unhealthy Workplace – Part 1)

I have felt as though I brought all of this on myself. 

I was led to believe that I was the problem directly or indirectly. I was manipulated because of my belief that people are genuinely good. I still believe that most people are good, but I also understand human nature much better now. I was also very naive about abuse and manipulation. I am still ignorant about much of that. My mind has a hard time comprehending people being like that. In my gut, I have known when my boundaries were violated, but I could not express it.

I had no words for it.

I was unsure and full of doubt because I had so many people violate my boundaries and then, convince me that I was the one who was being inconsiderate, overreacting, or plain wrong. Though I knew, it became much easier to take the path of least residence. Why? Because I got tired and confused. Plain and simple I got tired of the fight and tired of looping about all of the possible things that I had done wrong. Or looping in hopes of discovering some answers to clear up the emotions I could not explain. I got tired of trying to stand up for myself. I got so beaten down emotionally that I would lose what little sense of self I had. Opting to believe that I was the problem because when I tried to discuss or bring up anything I would cause more anger and frustration – leading me to believe that in fact it was me. Why, did I cause so many people to become angry, hurt, or frustrated?

I am sure my lack of “appropriate” communication skills brought out angers in others. 

I can understand how my directness could hurt people’s feelings, but I do not speak  maliciously. I say whatever is rushing through my mind without a thought. I really wish my mom and me either would have been exposed to some healthy relationships or led to some resources long ago. I believe it would have helped her painful path as well as I mine. I could have used the list below for relationships of ALL kinds. Taken from How to tell if you’re being manipulated.

If you are in a relationship and notice a few of the following signs, there’s a high probability you’re being manipulated:

  • Your joy at finding love has turned into the fear of losing it. This is known as the “manipulative shift.” You will start feeling stressed at this point.
  • Sometimes s/he gives you a lot of attention and love, and sometimes he gives you the cold shoulder for no reason. You’re left wondering what you’ve done wrong.
  • Your feelings have gone from happiness and euphoria to anxiety, sadness and even desperation.
  • Your relationship feels very complex, although you may not be sure why.
  • You obsess about the relationship almost constantly.
  • You never feel sure of where you stand with your partner; you feel you’re in a constant state of uncertainty and anxiety.
  • You feel confused about the relationship and frequently ask your partner what’s wrong. He becomes angry or frustrated and he consistently denies responsibility for any problems.
  • You feel that you just don’t know how to make him happy.
  • You may frequently feel angry and resentful toward your partner, yet be unable to express it. Communication feels restricted or even forbidden, causing feelings of extreme frustration and even hostility.
  • You feel inadequate. You don’t feel as good about yourself as you did before the relationship.
  • Your emotions and moods are controlled by your partner’s words and actions

My goodness if I would have had this information! 

“If you feel less strong, less confident, less secure, less intelligent, less sane, or in any other way “less than” anything you were before you met him (or her), you are being covertly emotionally manipulated.” ~ About Covert Emotional Manipulation

And these! Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics, Stages of the Psychopathic Bond. However, not all of the relationships I have been in have been this manipulative. Quite honestly, they were just not smart enough. They were bullies and abusers, but they did not psychologically get into my head and almost destroy my very existence. Nope. They were violent, aggressive, said vile things to me, cheated, lied, and whatnot, but I have experienced manipulation and control far more psychological than their tactics. Not all of them.

It really does not matter at this point whether I had the information or not. 

There is no guarantee that anything would have changed because the fact of the matter is that I still have and always did have social confusion that causes me self-doubt. I still have and always did have anxiety, which can distort my perceptions. I still have and always have had sensory issues that can also distort my ability to understand the world around me. I still am and have always been unable to read body language, read faces, understand tones, or have the ability to understand/express my emotions. I felt in my gut right and wrong, but I could only understand when another was violating another person’s boundaries. I did not understand when mine were violated.

I have not understood when other people set boundaries with me.

I have come to understand that. I have not really covered all of my thoughts on this topic, but I think I got quite a bit out to help me process my a-ha moment. I started to feel down about all of this. I started to feel shame and guilt. Then, I remembered what my therapist said the other day. She gave me suggestions to help with my cognitive accuracy and she mentioned music. I told her I had to be careful with what music I listen to because it can trigger a lot of emotion especially, if I am feeling vulnerable.

She then said, “Ok, you need happy feel good music. Well then, listen to 80′s music. 80′s music is all about having fun and partying.”

Lol! (Not all, of course.) I am not beating myself up for these things. I am taking this moment and accepting that what happened in the past happened, and the past can include an hour ago or even two seconds ago. :-) I cannot change it, but I sure as heck can change what I do today. I already started setting personal boundaries a while ago and I have noticed my self-esteem getting better.

Today, I realized how important it is to set emotional and mental boundaries. 

It is my head and no one else is allowed in there to mess with me! :-) I have been slowly doing this, but today I truly understood the importance. My eyes were opened to how much I have allowed others to stay in my head filling it with negativity. I admit I have felt hopeless in this area for quite a while, but after my therapist telling me to be kind to myself and to understand that this has been going on for a long time, it helped me to see that I cannot change all of this over night. The reality is that we will encounter people like this in any area of our life. The best way to protect ourselves and help smite out confusion and self-doubt is to understand how they operate. It helps to gain control over what we can our own minds, actions, and responses – set boundaries.

I have a list to look at to help me each day taken from here SETTING AND ENFORCING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES!

Assess the current state of your boundaries, using the list below:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES allow you to:

• Have high self-esteem and self-respect.
• Share personal information gradually, in a mutually sharing and trusting relationship.
• Protect physical and emotional space from intrusion.
• Have an equal partnership where responsibility and power are shared.
• Be assertive. Confidently and truthfully say “yes” or “no” and be okay when others say “no” to you.
• Separate your needs, thoughts, feelings and desires from others. Recognize that your boundaries and needs are different from others.
• Empower yourself to make healthy choices and take responsibility for yourself.

UNHEALTHY BOUNDARIES are characterized by:

• Sharing too much too soon or, at the other end of the spectrum, closing yourself off and not expressing your need and wants.
• Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
• Inability to say “no” for fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Weak sense of your own identity. You base how you feel about yourself on how others treat you.
• Disempowerment. You allow others to make decisions for you; consequently, you feel powerless and do not take responsibility for your own life.

Ok, I am ending this now it is much longer than I wanted it to be – 80′s music! (Yes, I was an MTV kid.) 

Blondie-Call Me

Depeche Mode - Just Can’t Get Enough (With Lyrics)

INXS – Devil inside

Erasure – a little respect (I’m so in love with you I’ll be forever blue … )

JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS – I Hate Myself For Lovin’ You (Rawr!!!) :-)

Mötley Crüe – Live Wire (Woooot! ’cause I’m alive, live wire!! Hee hee)

New Order – Blue Monday (must-listen-addicted-to-song-happy-making-me)

Duran Duran - Hungry Like The Wolf (You know it!)

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark - Electricity

Poison – I Want Action  (Bwaaa haaaa)

Yazoo ( Yaz ) — Don’ t Go

I suppose I should link to a-ha – Take On Me (Official Video) :-)

Too many to choose! These had happy vibes.

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