This is a processing post. There are so many factors and life history that play into this that I am not covering all of my thoughts. I am sure it is going to spawn off into multiple posts. My mind has been racing, thinking, and connecting. I cannot get it all in one sitting besides I think I have to break this one up into two posts… I did. On facebook the other day, a friend of mine posted a paragraph of self-affirmations. The way she worded it was as though it was how all people talk to themselves, I had a moment with no filters and said something like, “Wow, I never talk to myself like that.” I added something about soaking in those words because I do not do that.
Part of it is my personality, I am not the type to tell myself great things about myself.
I understand that others do and it is good for them – it does not help me in anyway. It makes me feel awkward and I really do not think about those things. Even though I have my challenges with negative thinking I do not think negatively of myself truly. I do know that I accomplish a lot, I am proud of all that I have done and I have no doubt that I will accomplish what I want to in the future. I do not think about whether I am beautiful or not unless it is brought to my attention in some way – then, I question what I look like not necessarily if I am beautiful.
I do not worry about getting older, I rather like it.
After living the life that I have, I feel like life has just begun. My healing journey has given me the opportunity to relive again. When I look back to my past, I have pain when I look to my future I have hope. The only time I start to feel insecure or think that I should look, act, or be something else is when my social confusion kicks in. If I see many images of a person looking a certain way and people rushing over to like them I will wonder – this has been throughout my life.
I watched the popular people and wondered what made them popular.
I wondered if I were to get the same clothes, shoes, hair style, personality would I be accepted then too? If I listened to certain types of music, watched certain shows, wrote certain types of things then, would I be accepted – acknowledged? The answer is no. It has never worked for me. In my awkwardness of trying to become something unnatural to me I would eventually, grow tired and others dwindled away.
It wasn’t that I wanted to be popular -
It was that I thought that was the right way and my way must be the wrong way because those people had swarms of friends and I had virtually none. I have to fight off the confusion of wondering, Oh, is that the right way? Is this why people ignore me? Am I supposed to be doing that if I want people in my life? Should I be talking about that instead of this? All sorts, of questions arise and lead me into a spiral of panic and fears that somehow, someway, I am doing something wrong that everyone else knows, but is not telling me.
I am the one that no one notices has left the room, the group, the family.
Ordinarily, I go about my day without a thought of whether I am good enough, I know I am so I do not think about it … until, I am reminded that NO I am not – to some. On days, when I am feeling good and productive I do not give it a thought. I do not spend time thinking about my outward appearance or how I feel on the inside because most days I just am. I feel good if I accomplish things, I feel bad if I do not. When I do not feel productive or as if what I do has no purpose that is when I start to feel down and the negative thoughts come.
However, these negative thoughts did not come from me.
I was not born into this world filled with doubts, fears, insecurities, and the sensation of not being loved. Nope, that has been a long time in the making. Many people contributed to this. Many situations caused me to become so enamored with thoughts that who I am was not good enough, that what I do does not matter, that no matter how hard I try I am still invisible! It is kind of a catch-22 because many times I want to be invisible. I work hard at staying out of the limelight because so many of my family members fit and rage for it.
I do not need that attention, but it does hurt when I am ignored.
The other day Inner Aspie shared this Feeling Unlovable article. I knew that I could not read it on that day so I waited for this morning. It opened up some deep wounds in me that I did not want to accept. The reality is that I feel unlovable. I read this part and immediately had the thoughts of last night racing through my head. I will share those in a moment. Here is what I read.
“This phenomenon is called “rejection” in the therapy trade, but a more appropriate label from the child’s standpoint would be “annihilation.” The child feels that her validity as a person in her own right has been shattered; she may as well cease to exist. Since she doesn’t really know how to stop contributing to her own despair, the whole problem is insolvable. These “feelings” become the attitudes that Julia carries with her into adulthood, and these mistaken attitudes predispose her to behave in ways that are not appropriate to the reality situation.”
Last night, I could not sleep.
It was past midnight and David came in and asked why I was still up. I did not know, I was frustrated because I had to get up early for the kids classes. All I knew was that my heart and mind were racing, I could feel the panic rising in my chest and I was working so hard at keeping myself calm. I was fixating on one word, “embarrass.” Someone had commented on my poetry blog that they would like to give some constructive criticism to one of my poems with my permission and they asked if I would prefer it in a private message as to not embarrass me.
Logically, I found this a positive thing.
I think the poet is very good and if they are willing to take the time to help me improve my writing that is awesome! However, I was already in a wounded state because this weekend was my youngest sisters baby shower and I chose not to go because I knew that I would have all sorts of triggers, trauma, fears, and anxieties being around her and my other sister. We basically have non-existent relationships. I have many wounds in regards to that. It sucks. They do not get me at all and I do not get them.
I would probably not even be concerned about it – we are very different and have very different interests.
However, I am told by my father and my step mom that I am part of that family, but I do not feel like it and that causes me to think about it and try to understand things that my mind cannot understand. I cannot shake those feelings. My sisters do not acknowledge me in real life or even on facebook. They have made it evident that my life is of no concern to them. They do not acknowledge my kids birthdays, anything that I share basically. If there is a photo of my other sister, aunt, and me they will ignore it, but if it is my sister and aunt they “like” it. These types of things feel childish and I hate the fact that I am even affected by it.
On a regular, it does not bother me.
I have too much going on in my life to worry about that stuff. What gets me so upset though, is that my sister not acknowledging my message to her about not coming can derail ALL of my accomplishments and make me feel as though I have not done anything with my life or that ALL that I have done and do has little value. This from people who do not even think about me? They have never commented about the books I published, my blogs, what I do with my kids, autism has never even crossed their lips to me. As far as I am concerned, based on their actions and lack of acknowledging my existence I have no value to them.
Why does that bother me?
Why am I concerned about people who do not even think of me? I can only attribute it to my constant feelings of being rejected by my father and my mother, and the rest of the people who have influenced my life. There are things that I cannot shake. The true root of this particular issue has to do with my dad. My sisters represent my feelings of being in favor and falling out of favor with my dad throughout my life. They have a dad that I never had, they have relationship that I will never have, they ignore me the way that I felt my dad has ignored me.
I have similar feelings with my mom and my other sisters.
Part two continued tomorrow …