05/12/13

Happy Mother’s Day!

I have such great things to write about when I get a moment. I will be able to share some details about how my mom and I have such “awkwardness” when we first see each other after it has been awhile. Several things have come to light that helps me understand even more of our differences even though we are both Aspergers women, and the differences with my Grandma who my mom and I are quite certain is an Aspie too. We are three generations of unique Autistic women who have managed to navigate through this world with no understanding or help. It has made for many life struggles and challenges, but it also reveals how much we have overcome and persevered on our own.

I am not big on celebrating Mother’s Day.

Neither is my mom or Grandma, we met for lunch today and completely forgot to say “Happy Mother’s Day.” Even after my uncle had stopped by and brought my Grandma flowers. Lol! After remembering, I said, “Oh, I am sorry I did not get you guy’s cards or anything.” They both shrugged and said, “Either did we.” I love that! There is no guilt or condemnation. We know where we stand with each other and we just enjoy our time together. After lunch, we went to the mall, because my mom and Grandma like shopping. I do not, but I do enjoy walking and talking with them AND Grandma bought me a cute dress and top. Score!

It has been a good day, but I am exhausted.

The mall sucks all of the energy out of the three of us. The sensory stuff really drains me and when I feel crowded by people and merchandise it gets to me. Still I had a marvelous time with the two ladies that influenced my life the most while growing up. I wish a very wonderful Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. I hope that you are having a great day, if it is day that causes you to struggle my thoughts are with you. There are many reasons why that could be and for those reasons, I sometimes do not say any anything about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. (((HUGS))) to any of you who may need one!

May your heart be filled with joy and peace today! (Each and every day.)

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04/26/13

“I Was Not Raised To Say Good Morning!”

I did say something like that – it is true. It is kind of a funny story, the reason why those words came out of my mouth. It was when David and I had moved across country. We had to live with his mom and stepfather for several months. They were challenging months. One indecent that still sticks out is the day David and I were requested to have a meeting with his stepfather and mom. It was something that I will never forget because it confused me tremendously. Many social situations happened while living there and in that town that awakened me to such utter confusion that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I had never been around such social dynamics and I was traumatized.

On a daily basis, I was confused, hurt, angry, sick, and my head was reeling nonstop trying to make sense of my surroundings. I had no family or friends and only David to rely upon. At least, I understood somewhat the traumas that I felt with my family. They were familiar and I had learned how to protect myself, maybe not in the healthiest of ways, but I could protect myself nonetheless. However, when this situation took place we had only been there a few weeks so I had not spiraled into fear, confusion, and severe anxiety yet.

Back to the story, I will try to stay focused.

There had been several days of tension in the air. I was clueless as to what was going on, but I felt it. It was causing my head to feel dizzy. I did notice that tones, body language, and words seemed different, but I had no idea why. I asked David about it and he did not pay that much attention to it. His stepfather had been in his life for around 23 years. This man violated David and his brother’s space, time, and anything else in their lives that he could. So David was in his own protection mode and knew how to ignore the man, or finds ways to make himself feel better.

The minute I met the man I did not feel comfortable around him.

The only way I could describe at the time was he seemed very negative and grumpy. When he walked into the room, it seemed to zap out all the life in each person. Nothing made him happy, but me being the hopeful naive person I am, I thought we just needed to try harder. I thought maybe David was too negative and possibly God was trying to show us how to be more compassionate. Well, there are times when I just lose all compassion toward a person, especially when I have tried very hard and they accuse me of being disrespectful.

OR rude!

Keep in mind that David and I were in our early thirties when this took place. We were finally able to set a time to meet. It was in the evening, we sat in the living room. I did not know what to expect. I felt like a teenager who was about to be grounded or something, but I had no idea what I had done wrong. I had gone over everything in my head trying to figure out what this was all about. Then conversation started with the stepfather voicing his frustrations at us and feeling as though we were disrespecting him.

I was confused.

Now they told us that we were welcome into their home to stay as long as we needed. As far as I knew, it was rent-free until we were able to get our own place. David and I were still unable to find work, we had only been there a few weeks, and in the midst of that, we had gotten married.

I did not understand what this man was talking about.

Much of it is a blur to me now because I became so angry and confused that the words were jumbled. It came down to this, the stepfather said; he was upset because we did not say, “Good morning” to him every morning. WHAT??? I sat there staring at him in disbelief. He proceeded to share every bit of grievance he had about us not acknowledging him if he came into the room, and being disrespectful by coming and going when we pleased.

David was angry.

I was stumped. He continued with his banter about not saying good morning and I told him, “I was not raised that way.” He shook his head at me and said, “I do not believe you Angel, I saw you with your family when they were here.”These words shot out of my mouth, “That was my dad and step mom! I did not grow up with them. Besides it has taken years for me to even be like that with them.”

I went into HOW I was raised.

I grew up with my mom and in that house you did (do) not talk until after she has her morning tea. There was never a good morning. I was not allowed to say that or ask questions, or request breakfast until my mom had her first cup of tea and cigarette. (I was making my own breakfast by around age 6 or 7, probably earlier but I cannot remember clearly.) What he saw with my dad was years of weekend visits. In my home, you were lucky to get a grunt if you walked into the room. I was constantly told to be quiet, settle down, and stop asking questions. I was told things such as, “I don’t know, I am tired, stop asking me questions, leave mommy alone.” I was not allowed to speak to my mom when she came home from work. I had to give her at least 10 minutes before I bothered her with anything.

My mom was not trying to be mean; she needed that time to process.

She requires uninterrupted time alone to wake up in the morning to adjust to her day. If her routine is interrupted, her entire day is ruined. When she gets home from anywhere, she needs time to adjust. She has to change her clothes; many times, she needs some food, and then, her tea. After that, she is able to function socially. Also in my house, “please and thank you” were not that big of a deal. Other things took precedence.

It wasn’t that I was raised to be rude, but we did not spend our time saying such things.

It was that those words had real meaning to them; they were earned so to speak. My mom did not force me to say them. We said them to each other when we meant them or thought of it. I do think that both of us would have benefited if we had said those types of things to each other more often. We had too many other things on our mind than to think about things like that. It is a little difficult for me to explain.

That is how I was raised.

Not to mention by the time the “stepfather” incident happened, I had been living on my own since I was 18 years-old for the most part. (I had to move back home a few times, but about 6 months was the longest stretch.) I had my own routines. I had lived alone for most of that time, but when I met David, I had been alone for something like a year and half I believe. I could not believe the behavior of a grown man getting upset at such foolishness. However, when I thought about this situation I recalled how many other people have gotten offended at me for not saying good morning.

They have gotten offended at me not addressing their presence.

If I am busily working, I may look up at you, but it is as my mouth is sealed shut. I have no words. My mind is too busy processing other things. If it is first thing in the morning, it is raging with all sorts of thoughts from trying to discern the dream I had to wondering if I can recall some famous event that happened on that day years ago. It could be anything. I could be wondering if squirrels are fidgety or just anxious. I could try to figure out a more efficient way to clean the litter box.

Anything and multiple things are soaring through my brain.

AND let us go ahead and add how I could be freaking out on the inside because I smell someone’s cologne or food on the other side of the room! I could be so focused on not yelling, “What is that god awful smell?” that I just cannot stop all that I am doing and say something to you first. I can usually say it back if someone says it first, I most likely will not say good morning though.

I WILL NOT say that if it is not a “good” morning.

I will say, hi, morning, or give a head nod. I do not get offended if someone does not say it to me. At some point, in the day they will speak to me I am fine with that. Of course, my way of thinking does not work for passive-aggressive types. Their tactics of silent treatment do not work on me. I only assume that they do not feel like talking because when I do not feel like talking I do not talk.

I am not giving the silent treatment.

The point of my story is that I was perceived as rude and disrespectful and I had no idea that the person felt that way. The way that I was raised, it was rude and disrespectful if I did talk before someone else spoke to me. I could not understand his anger or hurt by the situation. All though, the man had other serious issues. He even went after David after he had excused me because of my up-bringing.

He told him, “You know better.”

As if, David was supposed to have made me aware, or something. Um, we were in our thirties! David had been in graduate school for seven years prior, I had been in the workforce since I was 16 years-old, both of us had been married and divorced, AND we lived on our own for years. None of that mattered because he could only see from his perspective, which was distorted by offense. Truth be told, I was offend too because of his offense. People seem to forget about where others are coming from when they are clouded by offense, myself included. I was not raised that way, I was deeply offended at what I felt was childish and ridiculous, but I also tried my best to do small things to help this man feel respected.

He did let us stay in his home, even if David’s mom may have been the driving force behind that.

I still felt that he should be respected and that I would try. I do not think it much mattered though, he is just one of those people that no matter how much you try it is never enough. I will say, it was awkward and a challenge for me to remember to say “good morning.” It still is, it is a challenge for me to remember to say say thank you or other ”polite” things. Not because I do not feel them, quite honestly, the words seem to have lost their weight to me. Any person can say words flippantly and without true purpose – I like to show my appreciation through actions.

It feels more comfortable to me to do something in return for someone than, to only say words. (AND I will not say them unless I mean them.)

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04/18/13

Family (Dys)Functions

A couple of weeks ago, some of my family threw me a birthday party. Many things went well and I did have a great time. There are certain things that my family thinks is funny to do. One is doing things like getting me a princess crown for my birthday and making me wear it. They know how much I do not like crowns or girly type of things like, PINK anything! Lol!

Or lots of hugging!

I do admit, that I have felt more comfortable hugging them in the last month due to changes in them and me. In the past, I was unsure if they were being mean, joking, or just plain insensitive. I now understand that many things that are done are simply because it has always been done. My dad’s side of the family grew up picking on each other and tormenting each other. They bullied each other. (There is a LONG history that goes into the why’s.)

They played tricks and spoke things that apparently some siblings do.

My mom grew up being picked on and tormented by her father’s family. My grandfather was sometimes the cruelest man I ever laid eyes on then, in the next moment he could be sweet as honey. I was confused by the mocking and picking on from both sides my entire life. It makes me sick to witness such things; it was detrimental to my mental state when I was the focus of mockery. I soaked in every word believing them to be true. My confusion would heighten when I would address it, and ask why they would say or do such mean things.

I was told it was “a joke.”

Why wouldn’t I think it was funny if a family member made fun of the way I ate, or laughed? Why didn’t I find it amusing if they made fun of the clothes I wore, what color my hair was, if I did not understand a joke and asked what they meant? Why wouldn’t I laugh it off if they called me a “spaz” or “dingy.” Why would I get my feelings hurt and feel horrible about myself when I was around them? I understood recently, that these things were not about me. I also, took note that on both sides of my family they did not do it to me as much as they did it to one another. I noticed that they made fun of all of their own quirks, sensory issues, obsessions, etc… as well.

The difference that I understood about myself was that I did not do that.

Throughout my life, I did not mock my oddities or myself until someone else started mocking me, or mocked their own that were similar to mine. I believe I have shared some this before. I did not tear apart my appearance until someone else started doing it to theirs, or nit-picked at my appearance. I did not feel badly about myself until someone made me feel as though I should. I did not see myself as being “wrong” or “flawed” until others implied it through their jokes and mockery, of either themselves or me. Once the self-deprecation and negative self-talk would start out of others mouths, I began to mirror. My mom did this constantly, she has gotten much better at stopping, but I grew up with it. After years of this, from my mom onto virtually every family member, I took on the script of self-deprecation.

I already had this realization a while ago.

However, what I am writing about now is how this no longer affects me in the way that it used. I understand that I mirrored that behavior in order to protect myself. I did it with my classmates, friends, significant others, co-workers, and family. I did it first so that they could not do it to me. This was learned. I watched my family become hurt or upset at the words or actions that other family members inflicted. I also, observed that their defense was to counter attack with another “joke” or “put down in a loving way” (sometimes not so loving) toward the person who started it. There were many innuendos and slides that I did not understand.

I did not catch many that were directed toward me.

I was either oblivious (still am) or it confused me so much that I would shutdown. None of this would catch up with me until hours sometimes days later. I understand that this family dynamic is most likely never going to change. The digs and jokes are their way of showing affection as well as indirectly speaking unpleasantries to each other. I have learned that many people communicate like that – I still do not get it. My mom and sisters do this with each other too. I find it all odd because it hurts me when these things are said or done. As I was thinking about this more, I realized that lately my family has been doing this even lesser than before.

I am grateful.

I think that the reason is that I have been so vocal about my confusion with these things and that I shared with them how I no longer had any idea if any of them loved me. That was the truth. I felt so unlovable and so broken that the thought of anyone loving me seemed impossible. I was also, so confused by the social dynamics in my family that I could not filter through their words or actions properly. They have stepped up and have tried to keep reminding me that I am loved and that I matter.

I hate the fact that I need this validation because it makes me feel weak.

That is a whole other issue, about me wanting to be independent and never needing or wanting anyone. I have observed in my family that only the weakest links share their emotions or express their need for validation. It is indirect and eluded to, but it is there. Several things have helped me to let some of that fear go. The changes that my family has made has helped, my uncle sharing with me on a facebook comment that he was diagnosed with depression and got help, and me remembering that I do not think that my quirks, oddities, or the way that I think is wrong.

I do not feel wrong.

I cannot change a person’s perspective about how I respond to things. I cannot change how people think about me as a person. I cannot change how people perceive my “Autismness.” What I can do is be honest and share what hurts me. I can tell people that I am not broken, I am considered disabled, and I do have many challenges, but I also have many strengths. This TED video Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity, I have watched several times now to help me process the word “disabled” and society’s perceptions.

I find myself in a limbo type state of understanding my own disabilities, but not feeling disabled. (That I am still pondering.)

I have had to go through a process of self-acceptance, especially with discovering that I am Autistic. I am still unable to share with many family members because I do not feel that they will be able to accept it. It is not because they do not love me, but because it is a hard to grasp. It is difficult to process that the person you have perceived one way your entire life is not that way at all.

They are not thinking like you in the slightest.

The way they interpret the world is so vastly different that you are unable to comprehend it in the least bit. There are also the revelations of all the times you have hurt them or damaged their psyche without even knowing it. I would think that those who care for you would be heartbroken if they discovered that their actions and words contributed to PTSD. I have gone through my revelations of how my actions and words have been misinterpreted causing pain to my family.

Granted all I can do is move forward and little by little explain how I think and why I do the things, I do.

That opportunity would never have opened up had I not shared the severe pain and isolation I was feeling. I took a chance because I had reached the point of despair. I no longer had anything to lose. I knew that I had to reach out and if I was rejected then, I knew! It was a choice of moving on without them or moving forward with them. I am thankful that my family is trying and they are accepting me where I am, but I am in control of what and when I share. I am determining what is healthy to share for me not because of them. (I hope that makes sense.)

I may be able to share that I am Autistic one day with them.

However, I realize that my attitude before was too abrasive and demanding. I expected them to change immediately with my sudden changes. I went through many stages of feeling hurt and rejected by the ways they have responded toward Daniel. When I finally, accepted and understood I expected them to do the same. People do not work like that. They do not accept differences and changes instantaneously. They do not change their wording from “wrong” to “right” in a day. They will not see “disabilities” in a positive way the second someone says, “Society needs to change.”

Changing minds and perspectives is a gradual movement.

It happens little by little, those who change their mind rapidly normally have not built a strong foundation for their own thoughts. They usually sway with whatever the new perspective is in the moment. Whatever facebook or Twitter is telling them today is what they believe and fight for. In the last month, what I have noticed in the home front is my family being more open to listen about Daniel. They have been more accepting of his behaviors and interacting with him more comfortably. They have not been looking at him in the distance, but they have not been pressuring him to interact either.

All of this has made me feel more comfortable and not on the defense.

I have dropped my expectations of wanting my family to accept that I am Autistic. I feel as though since, my defenses have gone down they have become more accepting of him. Is it my perceptions changing or theirs? I think it is a little of both. My thoughts about all of this has given me even more reason to believe that the way we can change the perceptions of Autism is to find the bridges to communicate.

It requires breaking down defenses and being open-minded.

It is hard to find that balance. It is hard for me not to get offended when I hear negative words used to describe Autism. It is hard for me to try to be compassionate toward people who speak about Autistics as though we are broken, wrong, and/or disabled. It is hard to keep a positive image of myself when these things are said about me and generalized over Autistics. It is reality, people still feel that way because we live in a word that needs labels, distinctions, “us vs. them,” normal and not normal even though neither can be accurately defined.

I still see a world that requires a wrong or right.

Until we can all accept the gray areas, it will always be here. All we can do is impact as much as we can in our space on earth allotted to us and be satisfied that we have done our part. I am slowly changing the dysfunctions that were ingrained into me growing up. I am picking them out piece-by-piece and making dramatic changes in myself.

I no longer fear going to family events.

I no longer feel the need to push understanding on them. I no longer feel afraid that I will fall into mirroring self-destructive behaviors when being around them. I no longer fear that they will hurt me. I see with clarity that all of my fears and defenses caused me more harm than, they did.

I know who I am in this moment. (I will reach some other level of me later, I presume. )

I am accepting myself more each day. Their support and validation has helped a great deal, but I could not have gotten to this place without doing the work in myself first. Families all have their dysfunctions, but they do not have to control or define who we are. Something that I have learned in a new light is that I CAN create my own healing even in the midst of dysfunction. I did not think that was possible before, I thought I needed to escape or isolate, but I do not.

I have the strength to change even when others around me may not be.

It is not always easy; there are some people who have to be distanced or even cut out of your life. That decision has to be based on how toxic they are to you and your mental state. There is nothing wrong with getting away from toxic relationships. However, if their most damning of torture is to make you wear a princess crown on your birthday, I think they can stick around.

Some pictures of the event.

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04/5/13

Celebrate Good Times, Come on …

I am quite chipper today. I have a huge sense of accomplishment in multiple areas of my life. I feel like celebrating it! I feel much better about Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month. I am excited about all of things that have been happening. (Look here Autism Acceptance Month.) I dealt with my personal issues and anxieties. I finally, came to the conclusion and acceptance, once again, that I will never make everyone happy.

I will participate in my way and not feel badly about how I contribute.

I think my fears are triggered by the familiar feelings that I have from church settings. (long story) I have moments when I feel as though I am an Autistic and Autistic parent who does not belong in the Autism community, and other times I am overwhelmed with understanding, belonging, and acceptance. I am not sure how to articulate those feelings very well.

I am not sure if others feel that way too, but I thought it was worth sharing.

I believe I have written about it before, however, my mind is spinning with all sorts’ positivity. This week I FINALLY fulfilled many of the goals that I have been talking (writing) about for what has seemed like decades. I got Ariel and Joshua signed up for gymnastics, which will start next Saturday. While they are doing that Daniel and I will enjoy some swimming action. I signed Ariel up for gymnastic camp and Joshua into basketball camp for the summer. Daniel is signed up for Music Therapy social group for the summer session. I am waiting on his evaluation to determine if he qualifies for a Medicaid Waiver.

I hope he qualifies because his therapies will end when school ends.

The Music Therapy is covered under the waiver. They provide OT, Speech, academic helps, reading, sensory integration, as well as use the social groups to connect all aspects of the therapies. He would receive an individualized evaluation to work on his specific needs. It would be so perfect for him. He is naturally drawn to music and he uses it to help him process what he learns already. He loves everything about instruments, sounds, rhythms, beats, and on and on. He has taught himself several songs on the keyboard. He keeps asking for a “real” piano. I am keeping my eyes open for some great miracle of a bargain in hopes that something may pop up.

I also, registered Ariel into fine arts classes with a home school co-op.

She will be learning from a technically trained artist for drawing and painting 101. I think this will help her with her natural talents as an artist. She also decided to take Beginning Strings, which is taught by an instructor who holds a Master of Music and Suzuki Pedagogy. We will see how everything goes. It is fantastic to be able to experience these things. I admit I was a little concerned, I have seen some home school co-ops that have not been as professional. Not all are alike and I am NOT generalizing, but still I am not going to pour money into something unless it is worthwhile and will be beneficial to my child’s learning.

I think you know what I am trying to say. (I mean no disrespect to anyone, please know that.)

The woman I spoke with said that there are many girls her age taking the classes. Ariel and I are elated! She has been asking to make friends with girls, but it just has not worked out. I have been taking her with me Monday and Thursday nights to the YMCA to hang out with other kids. It has boosted her spirits. She really needs some time of her own away from the boys. She has been requesting it and I am happy to have a place to take her that she is enjoying.

I am amazed at my sudden fearlessness.

It is as if something has clicked. I have gained a whole new voice and perspective about myself. I have surprised myself at how outgoing I have been. I do know that I can be very outgoing, but then, be extremely introverted as well. Being introverted does not mean being shy or unable to be outgoing. I have noticed that after my social encounters I have taken the down time that I need. For instance, when I come home, after getting everyone else undressed, re-clothed, and taken care of, I take about 15 minutes to myself. This has made a huge difference in my stress and anxieties. I have also stopped worrying about what people are doing, or “trying” to tell me.

I assume that if they have something to tell me they will.

If they do not and expect me to “read” between the lines, that is their problem. I have no time for that stuff. I will no longer spend unnecessary energy on trying to figure out the communication twistings of others. It is their responsibility to tell me what they want me to know. If they expect me to read their mind, well that is simply unrealistic. I have taken on that mindset in my closer social circles. When I meet new people, I now go in not worrying about whether or not they will accept me. I go in with a positive hopeful attitude. If they like me and want to get to know me, great. If not, oh, well. I have boundaries and understand how to use them now.

Before I was desperately seeking for people to understand me, accept me, and acknowledge me!

The root of this issue was that I had not done those things for myself. I had been swallowed up in searching for an identity through others without realizing it. It is good to receive those things from others, but I should not look to others for them. Much of it had to do with being confused for so long about who I was and why I thought so differently from others. Why was I such an odd, quirky individual who did not even seem to fit in with other odd, quirky individuals? I have concluded that some days I feel perfectly fine in my own skin and other days I do not.

There are times when I can be extremely social and outgoing.

There are other times when I cannot. I will go with each cycle of myself and live happily accepting all of my different ways of being. Currently, I am in an outgoing, adventurous type of cycle. While I am in this cycle, I will get as many goals accomplished as possible. I will try what I want to during this time because it will give me the foundation of doing those things when I feel less adventurous. (lessening my anxiety in some ways) On Monday, I got to my cycle class late and all of the bikes were full. I looked at my aunt and said, “Bummer.” Then, walked down the hall to the next class, thought it was Zumba and decided to find out.

I walked in and asked what class it was; she said that it was Zumba.

I decided to give it a try. It was fantastic. I met several ladies that were very nice. I enjoyed myself and actually did not mind that much that I was in a room with a bunch of sweaty women, looking at a wall of mirrors! In the past, I would have gone home after missing out on the cycle class. I know I would have felt deflated. I did not this week, and last night I got to do Piloxing for the first time. Guess what? I love it! I will be going to spin class and Piloxing on a regular basis. That has changed too. I AM doing things for myself and doing things that I enjoy.

I am not only voicing when I need a break, I am saying, “I am taking a break.”

I am not sure if this side of me will be tired out by tomorrow after my family throws me my birthday party. My dad chose this week because last week was Easter and that would not work out for all of us. So tomorrow, I have family coming in, the party will be at my aunt’s house, and we will have another social event. I am looking forward to it. I think it will be good. Easter went great and we all had a great time. No meltdowns and it was very enjoyable. Daniel played on their piano most of the time.

I know that I will need to take more down time after this weekend.

I have been going for two weeks straight with all sorts of new things and social situations. Yesterday, I took the kids to get their eye exams. I am so thrilled with how well it went. The doctor and nurse were perfect. They were so accommodating. They explained every detail for the kids as well as for me. They answered the plethora of questions that each of them had. I really appreciate it when people address my children with respect like that. The kids and I had fun; it was getting to be a bit too much for Daniel and Joshua after a while. We were there for almost three hours. However, all went well and we took the day to recuperate.

Ariel and Daniel are getting glasses.

Daniel is not too excited about wearing them. That may be a challenge. It all feels surreal. The kids and I have been doing so many more things out of the house and it has not made things worse. We seem to be much happier and calmer. Who would have though? And now I will celebrate these good times because as you know, it could change at any moment. Not that I am expecting horrible things, I am only expecting the best, preparing for the possibility of the worst, and enjoying all the great along the way! There are more things to write about, but I seem to be too babbly even for myself. I’ve been this way for a couple of days …

I will celebrate the last two weeks and the major changes in myself!

Go Kool & The Gang! Lol!

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03/9/13

“Expect The Unexpected”

Yesterday, I met with my dad and we had a late lunch together. He had a few phrases that he shared with me to help bring home points that he was making, one of them was a suggestion. It was in hopes of offering help with Daniel in the area of unexpectedness. While, I do agree I can stretch him, Ariel, Joshua, and me more in this area, it is not a good thing to create an atmosphere of unexpectedness.

This will increase anxiety in the kids and myself.

We need routine and constants in many areas. I have seen how much it helps Daniel and myself progress, and I have watched how the anxiety in the kids and myself become less by maintaining routine and keeping things as predictable as possible. I did not misinterpret, his suggestion was based on me telling him about Daniel having hard times with unexpected sounds or changes. For those who do not know much about autism, it may sound like a good idea to “spring” unexpected things onto an autistic in hopes that it would help them become more comfortable with the unexpected. Personally, I think it could go either way.

I share a few resources below that may be helpful.

I do understand that this world is full of unexpected things, but for the autistic person we try to control that as much as we can. In fairness, my dad was not suggesting to make an atmosphere of unexpectedness, he was only saying that maybe I should try to do some unexpected things to help Daniel become more comfortable with disruptions. I do think that there could be some benefit in doing this, but I also know that if it does not go well that an entire day up to a week could be filled with meltdowns and recovery. It is something to work on no doubt, but our lives have felt so unstable for so long that I would like to have a while of the predicable.

The words have stuck with me, “expect the unexpected.”

I realized that it is a positive thing as well. I can apply this to relationships, if I maintain a routine and stable home life I am much better at the unpredictability in my social life. I had been preparing myself for this the last few weeks by reaching out to people and trying to push myself to be more social. I reached out to family because I no longer wanted to be bound by the thoughts that had been causing me fear and anxiety.

I decided that I needed to reach out and get answers, find support, and share what has been going on with me.

I was nervous about meeting with dad because I have not been alone with him in over 10 years. I also, have had decades of old scripts of our relationship collected throughout my life. I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew that I had nothing to lose at this point just being completely honest with him, but I had not planned on pouring out things either. I did not realize that the day before when my emotions hit and I went through some major healing it had stripped away certain expectations.

My desires were very simple.

I wanted to spend time with my dad, and I needed to know how he felt about me. I received something so special that it was completely unexpected. I met my dad, but he was a new man to me. He was the father that my sisters have talked about and boasted about all over facebook. He listened to me, he accepted me, he talked to me, and he apologized to me. He shared things with me that made me feel as though I was little Angel, receiving all of the love that had not received as a child.

I told him that I had no idea how he felt about me, or what he thought about me.

I shared about my diagnosis of depression and PTSD, hinted about my anxiety, but I did not tell him about Aspergers. Strangely, I felt perfectly fine with that. I no longer had the need for his approval with my diagnosis. I broke down and told him that I felt unlovable and unloved. I shared how alone I felt.

It poured out of me and I could not stop.

I saw my dad look heartbroken, but something had changed in a huge way. In that moment, it was not turned around onto me. I was not given scripture references throughout the whole conversation, or told that I needed to devote more to God. (Though there were some things talked about, I will share in a moment.) There were no excuses; he told me that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He apologized for not expressing it verbally and he told me how he felt about me.

I felt safe around him.

I do think that it had a lot to do with my mindset though. I did not go in with the anxiety or fear of being hurt; I had been in so much emotional pain for days that by the time I saw my dad it no longer mattered. I did not feel what I had felt in the past, but the main thing that changed was that in my desperation I no longer allowed fear of rejection to stop me. I shared more about what has been going on with me in the last 10 years.

Especially the five, which have been some of the toughest that I have gone through.

I was honest with him about where I was at with my faith. There were moments when I felt as though I was being judged, but he pointed out that I was being on the defense. He was right; I have become so accustomed to defending all of my actions that I automatically did it with him.

At that point, I spilled out how I felt as though no matter what I do it is never enough.

I told him that I cannot live up to all of the expectations that I felt others had for me, but I also had no idea what they were and I have spent my whole life trying to do everything right so that I would finally, one day “get it.” He told me to let all of that go and start to be the person I was meant to be, be Angel forget about other people’s expectations.

He encouraged me to speak up and start using my voice.

He did not say those exact words, but he built into me and gave me support. We were in a Chinese restaurant for about two hours. In those two hours, I received the gift of healing with my dad. I felt decades of hurt, shame, and fear melt off me. I felt as though something inside of me connected.

I saw a visual of both my parents coming together as a whole.

Not as in their marriage, they have been divorced since I was around 3 1/2 years-old. It was as if my inner me was connecting parts of me that had been disconnected for my whole life, if that makes any sense. I acknowledge that much of this had to do with me because I did not stay quiet. I spoke up when I did not feel heard, but since my dad was so open, I was able to listen to him with new ears as well. Not many people get to hear their parents admit when they have done things to hurt their child, I consider this somewhat a miracle that I have now had this healing with both of my parents.

My dad confessed his behaviors and actions that he did when I was a child.

He even shared how he has not been the most compassionate person throughout the years. I am not sure what has happened over the years, but he has thought about the past. He has thought about the choices he made during my childhood. He has thought about what it has done to me. For years, I took on all the blame. There were years when after I talked to my dad that I would leave confused, hurt, guilty for bringing anything up, and like a failure somehow, but could not explain why.

I did not feel any of that yesterday.

My dad made it very clear how he feels about me and that he and my step mom love me very much. I know that there are some things that I am unable to share about myself or about autism because of differing views. However, my dad made it very clear that he supports me and he listened to my current struggles and situation with open ears and let me know how much I am loved. I am beyond words and incredibly thankful.

The other day, I felt as if my spirit had hit bottom.

I felt that physically, about a month ago – it seems that my emotions caught up with me this week. My inner voice, crying out all of my hidden emotions made me push through reaching a point of accepting fully that I am the only one who can help me. I knew this, but I was not able to grab hold of it.

I still need the support of others.

I need to know that there are people that I can rely on. I need to know that I will not be judged or condemned. I am very pleased to know that I can look to more of my family. I was not sure what to expect yesterday with my dad, but I was unexpectedly surprised. I discovered an unexpected new me, and an unexpected new start with my dad.

I will be a little more open to the unexpected. (So I can expect it. Hee hee)

Autism and the “expected-unexpected” social thinking vocabulary?

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 1

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 2

Transitioning Back to School: 5 Tips for Parents (I think you can use these principles with anything new or to help introduce change.)

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02/11/13

Great Day With Grandma!

Today my grandma came over for lunch. (I wrote this last night. Just had to say that. ) We have not seen her since before the holidays so we were all excited. She was out of town visiting my mom and my other two sisters. My grandma’s name is Joyce, most people call her Joy. She is one of those people who brightens up the room. She is also one of those people who tells it like it is, but somehow she has a knack for not offending people, I wish I had more of that gift.

The kids and I started to swarm with giddy anxiety.

The kids were not sure how to direct their anxiousness, so it spun into using the furniture into a bouncing house festival and Daniel repeating, “She’s taking too long.” Even though I let him know when she was coming and he had his clock with him to keep time, it felt like eternity to him. My energies started to ripple into a cleaning frenzy. I did not get too carried away. Lol!

All the kids were very happy to see her, but Daniel expressed himself much more this time.

Yesterday, when I told him that she was coming over, he grinned and said, “I like her.” After that, the next day and half was filled with questions asking about her age, her white hair, and when/why was she going to be here. He told me last night after asking me another time about when she was coming, “I missed her. I really want to see her.”

He has not expressed that before!

Today he was more interactive than, he has been in the past. She arrived, and he came running up to her telling her about his water motion toy. He lost some of his words and shutdown when she tried to talk to him. His face was flushed, be was smiling, and breathing a little heavy. He sighed really big sighs in between his grins. I could tell that he was so excited that he could not get his words to come out.

Grandma was unsure how to respond and took it as him not remembering her.

I told grandma that was not the case and shared with her what he had said the day before. He seemed relieved when I told her. I tried to help with his words and I said, “Daniel can you tell grandma what you told me yesterday? Remember how you told me that you missed her and that wanted to see her?” He looked at her and said, “Yes, I missed you. I wanted you here.”

He told her about each one of his water motion toys.

Then, he asked her to sit in the chair with him. They sat together and he talked to her about how the water moves in the toys. He would run out of the room and come back with some of his other items. A box of buttons, block puzzle games, and a bin of Monster Inc. figures. He would take them out and show them to her, but not say much. He would just giggle and smile and say things like, “See these?“

As he settled back into the chair next to her he started to examine her.

He studied her face and asked her questions about her skin. He felt her hair and asked why it was white, but had darker colors too. He asked her about her hands and basically any other detail he observed. I felt that I needed to explain to her that he does that as a way of affection. She was a good sport, but I could tell she did not understand why he was doing it.

I told her that is what he does to me.

When he is trying to show me that he cares, he studies me. He will get close to my face and ask me questions about my eyes, lips, nose, etc. … He will play with my hair and rub his hands through it. He will ask me why my fingernails are a certain way. You name it whatever he sees he will ask about it. He will also have the sweetest smile on his face. In the last few days he has been stopping all the sudden and looking at me. His eyes directly on me with a great big smile.

He has been looking at me in the eyes like it is the first time he has ever seen me.

I find it very interesting – It may or may not last, who knows. It does not matter to me either way. I am not able to make eye contact that well, I can with my kids, but at times it can be too intense for me. Possibly I become overwhelmed with emotion for them I do not know, I have not thought about it. He has also, been telling me that he loves me. Yesterday, he told me that he loved me, but that when he gets older he will not love me any more.

I found that amusing and asked him why.

His reason was that when he got older he just would not love me anymore. I told him that I did not think that would happen and explained how I still love my mom and I am older. He is still pondering. Ha ha ha I found all of that interesting and great because these are things that he has not done before. Today he surprised me even more. As he sat with grandma, he told her, “I wished for you to be here and you are here.” He giggled, laughed, leaned his head on her, rubbed her arms and hands, he was expressing himself so freely.

I was overjoyed for him.

However, when out of the blue he said, “I love you” to her I felt so happy for him and her. Daniel has only shared those words without prompting with me, it meant the world to my grandma to hear him tell her how he felt. (He does say, I like you without prompting, but the love word is something knew for him.) He felt so good saying it too. He continued to tell me, “I like her a lot.”

We had a great day.

I was able to spend some time with Ariel and Joshua while grandma spent time with Daniel which, was good too. I also, talked to her about watching the kids. We came up with a plan. She will come spend an hour or so with them on Friday afternoons. I will also plan some alone time at her “quiet” house while she is out so I can try to relax a little bit each week. Daniel is not too keen on waiting until Friday to see her, but he is very happy that he gets to so soon.

Another thing that I decided to do was make a list.

I told David that I need help and that I will make a list of the things I need help with. He will check off what he feels he can help me with and we will go from there. It’s a start – I am hopeful. We are coming up with other alternatives as well to help alleviate the stress for both of us on Mondays and Tuesdays. Those two days are the most stressful with school for the kids and I and for David with his work. At least, we have thought of things to try and I have a plan to get some free time. A little time to myself goes a long way.

Two great days in row, I am leaping right now!

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02/7/13

Thankful Thursday

It’s still Thursday here. I had a rough adjustment period this morning. All of the chemicals in my brain needed to find their settled place after my meltdown yesterday. I am still recovering. I was very fragile this morning. I had a hiccup in conversation with a dear friend and I lost it again. I could not stop the tears. However, I discovered the root of the issue so that is good. I spoke about how Daniel will go to certain toys, or objects that feed into his fears and anxieties when he is already feeling that way.

I do too.

Mine? It is my family, which can trigger friend fears if I am too tired to counterattack the thoughts. I knew better than to go to my personal fb page this morning, but because I was still overwhelmed and getting slightly frustrated because the kids were not into school the first half of the morning, I went. I shared on there that I published my third poetry book. I was excited!

Only one member of my family even “liked” it.

This is a family member that I have not seen in years. I was appreciative of his “like.” (I told my aunt earlier that day, she did congratulate me. I do not want to leave that out.) Why do I still have expectations? I try not to, I really do. When I am not frazzled, I can handle this stuff, oh, well. Instead of dwelling on any of that, I will share my excitement here! I will also say the first thing this fine evening that I am thankful for, is that I accomplished my goals of publishing a book and then some; without anyone motivating me. (Look at my loooong sentence. Ha ha)

I have reached my goals thus far, and I am VERY thankful for the support I do get on my blogs.

I think that has been my biggest motivator. I am inspired by others and motivated when they share. It creates some positive energy and focus that leads me to push forward despite my fears and anxieties. Oh, I forgot here is my newest poetry book.

It cut off part of the poem in the chapter preview; I shared the whole poem on my poetry blog. Affinity (Into Infinity)

I am also thankful for those who reached out to me and gave me support after my post yesterday. It means so much. I am sure many of you will know what I mean when I share this, I feel incredibly alone right now. I am very tired and feeling depression sneaking up on me. I do not want to fall into that. I want to keep my head focused on the positives in my life, hence, the reason for this post. (I like the word hence it is fun to say.) I read this and thought others may benefit from it as well Depression Doing the Thinking .

This morning when I could not stop crying I was so frustrated with myself.

I did not want to cry, I wanted to stay focused and catch up on school. I was zapped of all my enthusiasm when Ariel and Joshua were reluctant to do their assignments. I was zapped. That is the best word. After having that confusion with my friend, I tried to stop myself, but I could not. I sat on the kitchen floor rocking and crying. Who came to see what was wrong with me? Daniel that’s who. He asked me why I was crying. He also said, “I am calm today. Are you sad? Why are you sad?”

This tugged at my heart.

I explained to Daniel that I do not cry when he is not calm. I thought of this as a gift. I was given the opportunity to let Daniel know that he was not at fault for any of my emotions. I used the opportunity to explain even more about how I get overloaded. I used specific challenges that he and I both share to help him understand. I then, explained to him what triggered me to cry was the situation with my friend. He partially understood. However, a few minutes later he came in with his favorite toy. It was his turtle sleep light; he had tears in his eyes and said, “My turtle light is not working.”

He started to get very upset.

Then, he would not believe that I could fix it. It only needed batteries, he knew this too, but I believe in a way he was trying to show me empathy. He went to the floor sadly, and I went with him. I asked him, “Daniel are you upset because I am upset?

He said, “No, I am upset at my turtle light.”

I sat with him and said, “I fixed your turtle light, see. He is working just fine. Are you upset because I am upset?” He looked up at the ceiling and said, “Yes, why are you upset.” I shared with him again that I had gotten confused about a situation with my friend and it made me sad. I could not go into the reasons and whatnot that was wrapped into everything. He would not have understood that. I told him I would stop being upset and we would have a great rest of the day.

It was in that moment, which I realized that I needed to stop.

I needed to accept that much of what I was feeling was due to my brain trying to seek balance after my meltdown yesterday. I chatted with my friend and felt better about that. The kids and I got back on track with school.

Daniel even READ for his teacher today in class!

I was so, so excited. He was filled with pride. His face beamed after he realized he read the paragraph for her. I decided the kids and I needed to get outside. It was beautiful out today so after our lessons we headed to the backyard for a bit of fun and swinging.

I know what I need to do help my depressive thoughts.

I got some great suggestions from people in regards to taking time for myself – I will try some things this weekend. The feelings of hopelessness I had flooding my brain this morning are gone. I am still a bit fragile, exhausted, and mentally drained, but after any meltdown, there has to be recovery time. Another great post about meltdowns that I read today Meltdowns…

I know for me, I always have depressive thoughts afterwards.

If I do not stay on top of it, my anxiety will well up into pools of nonstop loopage. I am staying on top of it. I am thankful that I had so many wonderful moments with my kids today. I am thankful that I understand more of how my mind works and what I can do to help myself. I am thankful that I have people in this community who support me and I can support them too. I am thankful for many things, I have a lot to be thankful for, and do not want to lose sight of that.

Thankfulness all around!

Pictures! Happy times.

[Show as slideshow]

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01/31/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” II

I feel that I need to explain this before I go any further with these posts. I am writing this out because in the last two weeks I have had a series of social situations that set off intense panic leading me into confusion and left me feeling as though I would never be safe in this world – even virtually.

Well, that is a fact.

I am never safe in this world and I need to deal with it. I put myself out there on the internet in desperation of finding people to connect with. My desire was to find people who could understand me or help me make sense of this life that I have had. The good news is that I have. Unfortunately, for me I do not “fit in” to any group. However, I do! I fit into very many groups, but I cannot be categorized.

Because of this, it has given me years of anxiety-ridden fears.

I thought I wanted to fit into a group. I did not want to lose myself in the group; it was that I wanted to feel as though I finally belonged. In many ways I have and that is good. I have also discovered that no matter where you go seeking refuge, at some point it can erupt into chaos and division. No matter how much you long for solace and comfort. Human nature?

We are always seeking to connect, but only if certain expectations and demands are met.

I have watched groups throughout my life. I sat back observing, I believe this is another reason for my heighten anxieties with being social. It fed into my fears at attempting to be social. I recently, started putting myself out there with caution, I am glad I was cautious. It affects me very much when I see people get hurt and it does not matter what my feelings are regarding the situation. I see each side. If it feels aggressive, the words start to spew out hurt and fear, or I feel as though what once felt was neutral has now become unpredictable it causes me to be physically ill.

I want to fix it and smooth it over, but I cannot.

This is how we all learn and grow. This is how we change. People change us. Hurtful and damaging words can make us cower, erupt us into rage, or possibly we can learn something more about empathy. In the past, I would have run in fear and shutdown. I am not this time. Instead, I am breaking social. I will continue to produce what I can and work through what confusion and fears I have. I understand that I have no group or family unit, but I do have several people that I consider safe. I cannot seek acceptance, validation, comfort, or understanding from anyone, though it is a wonderful feeling when it happens.

I do have my mom and grandma, but they are limited in abilities to support me.

Plus my mom is an Aspie and I believe my grandma is too. They both need their own space and time. I accept that being social terrifies me at times. I accept that people are always going to hurt one another. There will be those who will gradually change and those who will never change. I chose to be a person who is going to change. I am not going to keep this hindrance latched onto me any longer. I am afraid of people because they are so unpredictable. I accept that I can do nothing about it.

I will share some specific social stigmas that I have dealt with.

I know that they have been contributors to my social anxieties. One is because of my feelings of inadequacy in relationships. More specifically intimacy. I am not only referring to sexual, but the intimacy that friends and family share. I have felt shameful and guilty because I seem to lack the ability to have closeness and connection.

It’s not true, I am capable of closeness and connection.

I have only experienced this a few times in my life. It has made me feel anxious because it is yet another thing that I do not understand, or seem to share in the same way as with my peers – others in general. It is different for me. Intimacy with an individual is like searing my soul to them. I do not mean to it just happens. I do not want to, my brain seems to make strong connections that are hard to sever.

It causes anxiety because no matter how much research I do I cannot find the formula.

I cannot figure out what it is about a person or about me that explains why I become attached. It is unpredictable and makes me cautious with people. It is not that I do not want to, it is that it costs me so much when it happens. To date, the track record ends up with me feeling rejected and hurt.

I was unaware that this was triggering so much anxiety.

I will not go into this next one a great deal, but the stigma and ignorance wrapped around Autism has also given me a new set of anxieties for my son and myself. This started the second I tried to share with people about Daniel’s diagnosis. I have been hurt by more people regarding Autism than, I have with bullies, being abused, or feeling the rejection of my family.

There is no pain that can describe when I feel as though my son is being rejected for who he is.

I was also unaware that because I have been divorced more than once I feel social anxiety/stress. I have had negative words spoken to me for a lifetime about divorce. I felt attacked in church over divorce. I was verbally by one of the deacon’s wives. I accepted that I was a failure, but there was nothing I could do. Nobody talked to me about it. Even now if I mention it to people there is unspoken vibes that feel condemning. Much of these feelings could be from the social groups that I was in. It always (which is not true) feels like all people think this of me.

It is not all of course, but anxiety does not differentiate.

If one person said it, EVERYONE thinks it! I grew up with my mom being a single parent. I felt condemned at the school I went to because of my home life. It was still a small town when I was growing up. Divorce only happened in the “big cities.” The teachers did treat me different. The kids treated me different. I had no value to them. There was no hope for me because of my upbringing. The stigma I saw around my mom, latched onto me and formed into a faulty belief about myself. My mom was “antisocial.”

She did to go to my parent-teacher conferences.

She had to work. She knew nothing about my schools, teachers, or friends. I cannot remember my dad asking me anything about school. I thought this was how every parent was. When I discovered that, most parents were not my anxiety levels skyrocketed with my peers. I think I was around nine or ten when it really started to affect me. Although, I know that I suffered from anxiety and depression as early as five years-old. I was already socially awkward, I had my home life going against me, I had a birthmark that was the focus of ridicule and mockery, I seemed odd, and I was very quirky.

I managed to get through life.

I will say, not well. Here I have been writing post after post about this stuff for several years now. Clearly, I was only surviving… I still managed to do well throughout my life. I was still able to get in front of people and talk, dance, or act. I could get up and minster and pray for people. I was in management positions and did well. (for periods of time) I learned to hold in my anxieties until I go home. So several years ago when I started to look into social media, I thought I would do great. I thought it was until I encountered much more confusion than, enjoyment. I will be the first to admit I did not understand it.

I thought I understood.

It has been a hard lesson for me. I am learning and I am feeling much more comfortable – cautious, but more comfortable. I have been confused as to how others have been able to transition so well into social media. I realized that many of them are in control of their own sources. They have become protective, direct about what they will tolerate and not tolerate. OH! They set boundaries. I am still learning boundaries. That is another reason why I have been bombarded with anxieties.

I am still learning my boundaries because I am still learning about my own identity.

This leads me into why the labels and stigmas around relationships have caused me a great deal of social anxiety. I do not fit into the “norm” of relationships. Being social is all about relationships – even virtually. Yet, I do not want a relationship with people in the ways that they seek. I do like having friends; I am deeply committed to my relationships. I do however, need my space. It can seem very selfish of me. It is not. It takes a lot more energy to shift my mental state from what I am doing into social interactions. On some days, I have no problems, it is when I feel like things are off that I go quiet.

This could be virtually or in the physical.

Since I have not been a “normal” friend, I have lost people in my life. Sometimes they have been extremely cruel, other times they quietly disappeared. I am not sure which is worse for me. There are many times that I would rather someone go off and tell me what they feel rather than, never tell me. I hate, no it is more like I despair when someone does that to me. It is torturous because it is like a void that is never explained and my mind always loops on it. That is why I have had so many issues with my family. They do not tell me why they ignore me or seem to be unaware of my existence. They know I am there, but it feels so purposeful for them to not respond to me. I would prefer them to tell me – it would allow me to stop looping.

It is not going to happen so I will learn to stop it myself.

I cannot be the sister, daughter, niece, aunt, cousin; they would prefer me to be. I simply am unable to mix into their fold. See that needs to be said, with clarity so I can break into social. Once I accept that others will not meet my expectations and I will not meet theirs, I do not find being social so scary. I will always fail in certain people’s eyes because they expect me to participate in their world. I am incapable of understanding their world. I can understand to some extinct, but come on I have been researching and dissecting this stuff for over three years non-stop. I do not get it. AND I will not play. So I shrug my shoulders, and say, what do I understand?

I understand a great deal more about myself, that’s for sure.

~~~~~~~~

For fun, one of my top 10 videos in the subcategory of TED Ed.

Other resources.

Boundaries: It’s Time to Say No When You Need To (For me it is crucial that I learn and set boundaries in order to have healthy relationships and to help moderate my social anxieties.)

Self Awareness And The Difficulties of Being Different (These posts are part of the process of my own self-awareness. So I thought this would be good to read again.)

The end coming… Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” III

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01/30/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms”I

If you have read even a few of my posts, you probably noticed that relationships, social rules/situations, people, in general are my biggest hang up. I do not know why, but their actions, behaviors, and words, can cause me to spiral. It feels as though I lose my footing when all the sudden a person seems to be sporadic, chaotic, out-of-character, or they behave in a way that does not make sense to me.

I wish it were not the case, other Autistics may not have such extreme social issues as I do.

I know there was a period of time when I was not this confused, but I also did not have social media, or true revelation of how socially confused I was. I did have scripts that I could use; some of them were not good though. I learned many by trial and error. I do know that because I have been socially isolated in many ways for several years, it has caused me to lose some of my skills. Once I tried to step out socially again, I encountered many similar things as I did in middle school and high school. It caused me to gain a completely new set of anxieties, or possibly it rehashed those from adolescence.

I thought that period of my life was over.

What I discovered is that what happened during those adolescent years continues through adulthood. Insert, interesting read Why You Truly Never Leave High School.They may manifest in different ways, but they are still the same social situations. I do pretty well with virtual relationships for the most part. Unless, my “real” life social encounters have confused, hurt, or exhausted me. Many people in my real life seem to change suddenly and it throws me every time. While my recovery time is much quicker and my coping mechanics are healthier, it still happens.

However, I think that the main reason for this is my lack of identity.

My inability to come into fruition of my identity has led me to seek out others as my guide, seeking answers to who I am through them. This dysfunctional system is faulty, irrational, and is filled with detrimental beliefs that I am slowly discovering. I have made huge progress in this area in the last few months. I will still shut down and cut people off in order to protect myself. (potential rejection, cause me hurt, or confusion of some sort) I have discovered this past weekend I need to remove people from my life and it is ok. I can accept that certain people in my life do not intend to get to know me or have a relationship with me.

Several of these people are family.

I know that I may sound like a broken record with this, but I am really getting a grasp on why I have been hurt. I am finally accepting that I had been holding on in hopes that one day I would understand myself through those relationships. I kept thinking that one day, if I did enough or tried to figure it out we could have a relationship.

I thought that I would have that “A’ha! I finally get me!” moment.

I will never find the answers that I have been looking for through others. I will not have the relationships that my other family members have together. I can move on and know I have done nothing wrong it is ok. It is SO hard to accept this! These continual confusing social encounters have caused me to be so fearful of being social that I have gotten to the point of almost throwing up just thinking of ever seeing or talking to them again. The ridiculous thing is that they do not know, nor do they care that I have been affected like this.

This understanding has helped me to see my reasons for wanting to be alone many times throughout my life.

I knew that if I kept limited access to people in my life, or controlled who and when people were allowed in my life that I was not confused. I have expressed this before, but many times, I ended up in relationships because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I tried to make more friends because people told me I could not have only one friend.

My “one” friend would eventually grow tired of me, for various reasons.

One being I would not understand why they needed more than one friend. I understand this now. I thought I should have a boyfriend because the few girls I had as friends either had them, or were focused on having them. They also made me feel foolish for not having one. I did have crushes and wanted a boyfriend, but I did not want one at the same time, if that makes any sense. (I feel that way about all types relationships at times, because any type of relationship for me is a reminder of how inadequate I feel socially.) I did not want to think about it and I felt as though I was constantly forced to. I thought I should be more social because people told me that it was not “normal” to be myself.

“It is unhealthy.” Um… Susan Cain: The power of introverts

When I was unable to take anymore social stress, I would cut myself off completely. Several times in my life, this resorted in making moves to other states, so I could start over. In search of finding myself, I would get to a point of feeling so lonely that I desired someone in my life. It was normally during that vulnerable time that someone would “appear.”

I would somehow end up in the relationship.

Several times, I did not even like the person. Interestingly, people took the focus off “trying to find me someone” and I found that to be a relief. Because of that stress being lifted, I was willing to stay with a person. Just so, I would not have to hear “You need to find someone. You need to date. You need a husband. You need to have kids”

It was tiresome listening to people tell me that I needed a person.

I needed to date. I needed to “get out there.” I never wanted to do that. I did want to have children though. I wanted to find a person and be done for the rest of my life so I no longer had to think about it. I wanted someone that would be there, but that I enjoyed as well. I wanted what I envisioned as a best friend. A person that I shared many common interests with and that I could be attracted to. I find it difficult to be attracted to people as a whole. I was not optimistic of ever falling in love the way that the movies show it, or how books and poems express it, songs sang it, people told me about it…

I never thought it could happen for me.

I did not think I was capable of feeling that intense affection and I NEVER thought anyone would love me in that way. I did not have hopes for it, but I longed for it. I wanted it. I had hoped to feel it one day and my desire was to marry that person and live happily ever after. I think many people desire that, but I also think that it is an unrealistic expectation. I read this and it made a lot of sense. There’s No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science)

I am not so sure this type of love happens and lasts.

I do not know, maybe I have grown cynical. I do go back and forth in thinking that it is possible, but then, reasoning myself right out of it. I do spend too much time analyzing this topic – I have my many reasons. It has also been a special interest of mine since I was a child. None of the examples in my life have shown this type of love – although, many people have talked about it. I did not feel this in any of my marriages, the problem was that they thought they felt this way toward me, but I did not understand that.

I assumed that no one would feel that type of love toward me either. (abuse plays a role in that)

Insert, another interesting read Romantic love ‘lasts just a year.’ I thought to myself, How could they feel that way toward me? How could they love me when they do not know who I am? Quite honestly, I do not think they truly felt that way. I think they did for a while, but I also think they were intrigued by me because I was different from other women in their life. Intrigue and fascination is different than love. I have kept so much of my world hidden from people out of fear that very few have gotten a glimpse of who I am. Well, unless you read my blogs. I share a lot of me because that is how I process and it helps me to gain revelation of my identity.

I did not intend to hurt people I was in relationship with.

To be continued… Big Surprise! Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” II (It’s a three parter.)

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01/22/13

Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism III

Continued from Fear-Anxiety-Stress-Autism II

I admit I do feel rejected in a sense because I feel that I cannot share with the majority of my family that I am autistic.

It causes me anxiety to think about that. I cannot talk very much about Daniel, or share about the traits that Ariel and Joshua have because, it’s-just-not-talked-about. That feels like constant rejection to me. Even if it is because they do not know what to say or how to act. Because they do not interact with this part of my life, it feels like rejection. My anxiety forms Cognitive Distortions. I was nervous about sharing my poetry books with them. I decided to do so, while I did get initial responses and a couple of them purchased them I did not hear anything back.

This feels like rejection.

Several of my other family members did not even respond. I do not know how to take that. However, what I decided to do instead of carrying this pain and feeling as if I am being rejected, I looked at it all as guide to healing. If I do not continue in this direction, it will spiral into anxiety, because it is a fear of rejection. It causes unnecessary stress and turmoil. I prompted myself to make my anxiety into an entity. It has taken on its identity as the “Conspiracy Theorist.”

Conspiracy theories were a short-lived special interest of mine.

I decided to look into the psychology of conspiracy theroies to give me a visual to help each time my anxiety starts to take hold. What I found has helped me understand a great deal more than I expected. I researched cognitive dissonance. Anxiety causes me to become conflicted in rational and irrational beliefs. It makes it difficult to know what is real and what is not. It leads into a path of motivated reasoning, ”rather than search rationally for information that either confirms or disconfirms a particular belief, people actually seek out information that confirms what they already believe.”^[2 I will seek information that feeds into my "fear" based thought. Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses.^{[Note 1]}^[

The conspiracies that are formed in my mind stem out of fear of being hurt.

It can unravel all sorts of fears and phobia’s. My anxiety cycles can “attack” at any moment. Sometimes I can feel them rising up other times I feel a mad rush of flutters in my brain. I feel out-of-control, flustered, and unable to think. Because I feel out-of-control, I feel unable to protect myself from the perceived threat. In my case, it is usually fear of rejection and abandonment. First, there is the “attack” the fear of something and then, comes the anxious/panic feelings of “OMG! What if this time it IS true?” This melts into stress and causes a distorted view of my world.

At times, it has made it impossible to see the difference between rational and irrational thought.

I do believe that it is my autistic mind that makes it possible for me to link and connect things at rapid speed, as well, as analyze information in a way that others may call “obsessive,” (I call it, “purposeful.”) works in my favor to feed my anxiety as well as pull me out of it. Side note: I had been confused at how I could be completely rational and capable with dealing with others, while in my mind, anxiety was raging and soaring about a specific issue. On most days, unless I am extremely overwhelmed, no one has a clue that I am panicking on the inside. I can continue to act “normal” with my kids, strangers, even family who are causing the anxiety. I believe this has to do with cognitive dissonance and how I can disconnect from certain parts of my emotions while at the same time feeling them. (?? I do not know how to explain that.)

In the past, I have not had the right resources or understanding in how to deal with my anxiety.

Now that I do, I can redirect my anxiety and not spend time on endless, nonsensical paths trying to figure out a puzzle that never existed. I have concluded that if a person is actually spending that much time on trying to purposely hurt me then, I have no need for them in my life. I sure as heck do not need to waste my time trying to figure it out. I continued to try with certain people because they are family and seem to be so close to each other, except me.

I have been in a perpetual state of hurt, confusion, and spent countless hours trying to figure out why.

I want to note here as well, that facebook is not a healthy means for gauging relationships. Part of me understand this, but there is another part that does not because it is my form of having relationship and interacting with people. Just like email and texting, to me these are valid and very important means of communication, to others it is not. My other anxieties do not send rippling fear through my body like my social anxieties. I am trying to work through this by stepping out more. I decided that I would devote more of my energies on my fb page for my blogs.

I feel more comfortable there.

I share many common interests with people on those pages. I am not afraid of the people. I do have anxiety when meeting new parents/people virtually because the autism community has been a bit divided at times; I think all of us can feel that type of anxiety. I want to feel free to talk openly about autism and what it means in my life. I do not want to feel as though I should be ashamed or hide myself. I also want to share with all of my many interests. I do not feel afraid when sharing and connecting with people in regards to say, poetry, science, or the arts. I think the more I build my confidence in this area, I will no longer feel as though I need to be “on constant guard.”

Here are a couple of resources I found that helped me a great deal, they gave me perspective, and I can go to them whenever I feel the anxiety.

50 Common Cognitive Distortions

Fighting Cognitive Dissonance & The Lies We Tell Ourselves

For the fun of it.

The psychology of conspiracy theory

The Science Behind Why We Deny Science: Motivated Reasoning

Conspiracy Theories Explained

Personality and Conspiracy Theories: What Your Beliefs Say About You

Field Guide to the Conspiracy Theorist: Dark Minds

Conspiracy theory

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