The kids and I headed off to the Goodwill.

I do not normally go to this Goodwill because it is a bit pricey actually and a lot chaotic. I was a little hesitant, but decided to go. As we entered the first thing that I saw on a rack to the right was a pair of white boots that would be perfect! Yes! They were my size and I was willing to pay the $6.99 for the boots. I mean they are as perfect as you can get for a scruffy pair of boots to wear for a costume. It is not like I am entering a contest or anything, I am just dressing up for my kids and be fun. After that I went looking for a top, a belt, and some pants. I found a top and belt that will work, but no pants. I will keep looking, I have time. The kids found a toy each that they wanted and we were on our way out when I just had the urge to go check the other shoe rack.

AND guess what was lying right on top?

A pair of Black Chuck Taylor All Star Converse! There are several things (people are not included in this) in life that I truly love, I mean L-O-V-E. Some of them are boots, coats, hats, cats, and Converse. I have wanted these forever, but would not pay the money to get them. I did get some as a gift, but they were not the correct ones. These were the correct ones, they were my size, in boys, which meant they were only $3.99! I was so happy I even came up with a dance. Also, after I cleaned them a bit I pet them and admired them. I know I sound very strange, but truly it made me so happy. I cannot tell you how happy it made me. The little things like this give me some joy.

I went to the register with a little leap in my step.

The guy at the register didn’t really look at me, but said: “Hi, how are you doing?” and I said: “I am good, how are you?” as I looked directly at him. Now this was kind of a big deal because the store was chaotic, loud, and people were all in my space. The radio was blaring and at one point I said rather loudly “Why is the music screaming at me?” Ariel pointed up and said: “The radio is right there mom.” I didn’t realize the speaker was directly in my ear. The kids were overloaded. Daniel was scraping the hangers against the racks making a horrible sound, Ariel was “ice skating” across the floor with her shoes and it made a horrible swooshing scrape sound. Joshua was wandering and could not focus or hear me, but when we got to the register Ariel and Joshua sat in the chair waiting and Daniel was at the register with me fixated on the bell.

The guy stopped ringing up my items looked at me and said: “I am doing alright.”

Then he kind of looked at me and it felt awkward, I had drifted to his forehead, but he thought I was still looking at him. He then became very friendly and rang me up with a different feel about him. I think it meant something to him that I was really asking him how he was doing. I did mean it, I had hoped he was doing well in the midst of that chaotic loud store. There were some rude people in there as well. He handed me my change and I looked right at him and thanked him and he thanked me too. I know for most people this is a normal interaction, but for me it can be overwhelming or too awkward. I don’t know how to explain it other than it just felt different and kind of like a dream state for a moment during that interaction.

I was happy that I did so well with my eye contact and the kids and I bebopped out of the store.

I was very happy to have a positive moment like that. I am going to have to practice a bit more since I have been out of the “people” loop for so long. I have  been just trying to “survive” social and sensory situations. Now I am trying to work on my social skills since I will need them if we are going to move and be a lot more social. It has helped that I have been reading, talking, and writing about communication. It has made me more aware of things and better understand my limitations and where I can push myself. All of this in hopes of helping the kids do better. I think I can learn a lot from them as well.

Converse I love you!!!!

I graze the face looking for somewhere to set my gaze.

I normally land on their forehead, but in most cases I am trying to read their lips because I cannot hear them so I will stop at the lips. However, I get quite distracted by teeth so I have to move around and come back. I still do not see their face as a whole, it is all a blur. As I look at them I tend to find familiar features and pull the database of information about people in my mind and look for people that I know. If I like them I tend to find the familiar features pleasing and it makes it easier for me to talk to the person. If I do not like the person with the familiar features I tend to have a problem talking to them. It can be a good or bad thing for me.

I do the same thing with whole bodies.

A whole body is a blur so I separate the body parts and try to find things that I like, such as fingers or fingernails. I may even pick out just one part that I like and focus on that because the other parts I do not find pleasing. I tend to have a fascination with noses as well. I do like a good nose. There have been rare occasions when I have been able to see a person as a whole. When I see a person as a whole I normally see them as a circular shape or a pleasing number/color to me. A person that I see as a whole is not limited to outward body parts I also see them mentally as a whole. I find them easy to talk to and to connect with. My friend that I have here I see as a whole. I connected to her the first day I met her.

She had pleasing features and looked kind of like a cloud.

I mean fluffy, curved shaped. She would probably laugh really hard if I told her that. Nonetheless, she is soft and fluffy and easy to talk to. Though I have only hugged her once. She has the feel/look of fluffy/soft. People who are more rigid like shapes, hard feeling/looking, having more broken looking shapes are hard for me to connect with. I cannot say why I see them like this, I just do. Sometimes I cannot look at them, talk to them or even be near them because their presence is too rough for me. Then, there are others who are kind of angular or sharp shaped that are ok. I sometimes see brokenness and shards as a good thing if they flow. I wrote a poem that has pictures that show where I see shards and broken fragments as pleasing and good. They were created to go in a flow for a positive and when I see people like that, shards, but still reflecting light I can talk to them. It isn’t as easy as with people who are soft and curvy though.

Wow, I hope I don’t sound too out there.

What I find interesting is that I see people all broken up in part, but I see animals and nature as a whole. It all flows together and connects easily and peacefully. I do not have that same feel with people. Nor do I feel as connected to people as I do animals and nature. I do know that many on the autism spectrum have a connection with animals and a love of nature as well. For a long time I assumed everyone did what I did. I did not think it strange even up to my young adult life that I talked to trees and flowers as I would walk to work. I would tell the mean birds to not attack me as I walked past them. Or I would ask the ants what they were up to. I still don’t think it is strange, have you seen what some people do with their pets? I will keep on talking to the world or animals and nature and think I am perfectly fine.

They don’t talk back, except in their language.

I am wondering though if the eye contact with people is too much because of the confusion that I have felt with people saying one thing, but meaning something else. Also, that a face is too sensory stimulating for me. There are so many components to a face and everything is moving in all different directions. I can’t hear well when people are talking depending on the environment we are in because of my auditory processing issues. My hearing is fine though.  At times I do have a lot of problems being able to drown all the noises that I hear to be able to focus and listen to one person. I find it much easier to talk to people who have certain features and voices. I am rather intense also when I look someone in the eyes because when I do it, it is VERY important to me. It takes a lot to look someone directly in the eyes for a few minutes so if I do I am not messing around.

Daniel has learned to make eye contact, but he is quite intense when he does it.

Actually, all of the kids are, now that I think about it they may get that from me because I have no problem looking them in the eyes. I am sure I am quite intense that would explain a lot of their facial expressions. That is rather funny. I will have to ask the kids as they get older if they see people in parts as well. I know that Daniel and Ariel both see people in colors and numbers at times. Ariel has even said things like that person on TV tastes like spinach. I don’t know what that means! lol! There are several studies about eye triggers and autism and visual stimuli, I guess I will go do some reading and see what I discover. Maybe my brain just has to process like that, who knows.

From the beginning I had this feeling that something was different with Daniel. I couldn’t place it but I felt it. He would just scream and scream and I did everything I could think of to help him. He was extremely colicky. But he would only cry at certain times, he would throw his arms up and make this sound that was something I never heard before, when he was cold. Now that I look back I can see he would get upset at many things that had to do with sensory issues.

No chunky or crunchy food!

He began to walk not crawl at 8 months old, he actually began to run not walk. He wouldn’t eat chunky food, he had no desire. He would not drink from a cup still does not fully but we have had major progress in this area. Ariel didn’t seem to have any of these eating  problems. He wouldn’t look at us. I would call his name over and over again. I knew he could hear us. He would look sometimes if there was a sound or if I said his name, while he was playing he would once ever so often smile a little. (He did have a hearing test later, no problems) Hardly any eye contact. Since Ariel didn’t show any of these signs I thought maybe it was because he was a boy. I had never been around baby boys before.

Then there was the meltdowns.

I noticed that he would have melt downs in the store and then it would last for a long time at home. As he got older the only thing I could do was let him be in his room. I became pregnant again and it took all my energy. My little Joshua didn’t give me the great pregnancy that the twins did. This little guy made me sick. I blew up like a balloon and got vertigo. David had an office job at the time that was very stressful for us both so that added to the dynamics.

Please stop screaming!

Daniel would just scream, sometimes he would scream all day non stop. I would try to give him everything I could, do whatever, find toys, put on shows anything but nothing would work. When David would come home I would be so frazzled that I would just break down. There was nothing I could do. Then there would be days where he was perfectly fine. It made no sense. No rhyme or reason. One day he would love something the next day he would hate it.

Anything that spins.

He only found happiness in anything that would spin. So I found everything I could, all things that spin. That made him happy. He was almost two and still not eating solid foods. We told his doctor and he didn’t think anything was wrong with Daniel because he seemed very social. He was kind of social; he would make eye contact sometimes, smile, and look at people sometimes. To on lookers or other people he just looked like a busy toddler who wouldn’t sit or behave. To us we just thought he was like us, he didn’t like being around a lot of people. We just thought we didn’t like people or something, well that wasn’t really the case we just had to come up with some reason why we never fit in with others. That seemed the easiest route.