03/19/13

Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

I wanted to share my other post about idealized love, but I still do not feel like it is right. (ready) My head is trying to process “obsessive” love at the moment and how there can be misread signs of an Aspergers person falling into this. I have even questioned myself as to whether I had obsessive love for someone. For me I find that thought frightening – I would never want to be that way toward another human being. I do not believe that I ever have.

The first line of the definition is:

“Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.” I do not feel that Aspergers for the most part are actually doing this in the sense of wanting to “posses” another person. I think we become overwhelmed with emotion for the person and our inability to quickly process or understand our emotions can cause us to become fixated on the person to the point of feeling like an obsession. The initial connection to a person whether a friend or love interest can be new, confusing, intense, and override our senses.

There is also the added lack of understanding of social cues, so we may be obsessed because we do not know how the person feels about us.

That could lead into fears, confusion, and anxieties causing us to misread words, actions, body language, and creating loops about every single encounter we have ever had. I have no clear knowledge on the topic, but it seems like our chemical reactions could go into hyper-drive. Especially, if we have found someone that has perked our interest when so many others seem lackluster and insufficient in comparison to the simplicity we can have simply engulfing ourselves in our special interests. Still I am processing and have no clear ideals or answers so my musings are to help my brain process. Possibly others will gain from my ponderings and whatnot’s.

Alrighty, on to my topic of the day. (May venture into another side topic that is swimming in my head for a brief moment.)

I have been paying close attention to my anxiety triggers for the last month. I have been detailing words and actions that cause a physical reaction in my body in order to discern what is actually happening. For years, I have allowed the physical affects to pass by without any thought. I did not think I could do anything about it. Several years ago, when I started to research anxiety I realized that it could cause certain physical reactions.

I had no prior knowledge about anxiety, really.

I had always assumed that there was something wrong with me. I assumed that I was the only one who ever felt that way. This was not the case at first. When I had anxiety as a child I assumed that everyone else felt exactly what I felt and could not understand why they would get so upset, frustrated, or confused by me. It took a while, but I finally concluded that I HAD to be the only one.

Now I know that I am not.

I was so comforted in discovering that others knew what I was and had gone through with my anxiety and panic attacks. It has taken me several years to get to the point where I finally realized that I could detect my triggers. There are several reasons for that, but I will not go into it. SO! Today was the first day that I watched the manifestation of what a trigger could do to me mentally. It may sound strange, but in a way, I stepped outside of myself and paid close attention to what happened to me both physically and mentally.

It started with the trigger.

I was happy this morning. I was feeling really good. Daniel and I went grocery shopping together on Saturday and he did great. We both had fun and we recovered rather quickly from the sensory assaults that attack in a Wal-Mart. Sunday was a great day with the kids and me. Then, Monday we went to a new park and met Daniel and Ariel’s virtual teacher for the first time, in the physical world. These were some pretty big things in just a few days and everyone was still feeling and doing well. Today, I was feeling a little overwhelmed because I have not had a break in a while. My grandma has been sick and going to my spin class is not really a break because I take Ariel with me so she can get some social time. (And get away from the boys for a while.)

I was still feeling pretty good. I decided to set up eye exams for the kids.

I made the appointments online, which I liked very much. They called me to get everything squared away, we are not set yet, but it is in the works. I share that because one thing that my anxiety can feed on is WAITING! The unknown, the unanswered, the forever-lingering appointments, telephone call, email???? Here is where the trigger comes. I am all fine and dandy be-bopping proud of myself for making the appointments and I go to share. Then, I am told about how so and so went to their appointment and they got a bad prescription when they were a kid and it caused problem.

There was first a bunch of other words spoken that felt like a bunch of bees swarming my head.

When the negative prescription comment was made I felt a tinge in my heart. I say tinge because I do not know how else to describe it. It is the slightest of painful tickle. That is the best I can do. It feels like black and silver prickly thorns barely tapping at my heart.

It does not hurt badly, but just enough to cause an ache.

I tried to combat it with my own confident words knowing full well I am capable of taking my children to the eye doctor and ensuring that they get the best attention and care. I felt confident in myself after the words, but the tinge started to swarm my whole heart. It trickled into my belly. Self-doubt started to creep in. My mind started to wander and I went to facebook, which I knew that I should not go.

It happened!

I went onto facebook and started reading into things that people posted. I started to have the thoughts that I have no friends. That no one notices when I am not around. I stopped and stared at my computer screen knowing full well what I was doing. Instead of feeding it, I made myself sit there and feel it. I accepted the fears and the irrational thoughts of my anxiety. I knew what exactly caused it. My mood went from happy to irritable and somewhat sad. I knew what was happening, but I could not stop it. I decided that I needed to ride it out.

I forced myself not to take things personally that I saw on facebook.

I reminded myself that these thoughts were fleeting and they are not absolute truth. I was doing much better, but still feeling off. This is when I took notice of how I interpreted things that I read. Articles or posts that had the slightest trigger for me caused an instant irritation and a desire to go into a full on 2000 word rant. I stopped myself. Here is my sidetrack moment though. Today I saw this:

“Is your man distant, cold and insensitive? He could secretly be AUTISTIC. Two wives open up about their husbands’ diagnoses”

I will be honest it ticked me off. After my last post, expressing some things in regards to this it just really irked me. I have more in my other post about idealized love too on this topic. I am not going to go into my full rant, but what I would REALLY like to see is some more Aspergers men share their feelings about this.

How do you feel about your spouse or partner feeling this way?

Have they tried to understand you or have they automatically assumed all of your Asperger traits make you distant, cold, and insensitive? Do they have any idea how you show affection? Are all of the issues perceived through their perceptions? Does ANYONE ever stop and think of the WHY an Autistic person may seem distant, cold, and insensitive other than through their own expectations that they claim are not being met?

Look, I know I may sound like I am taking sides here; maybe I am a little bit.

HOWEVER, I ask you for a moment to consider how difficult it can be to go through an entire life undiagnosed. Can you consider for a moment what it is like to feel so incredibly different and not know why? Think about how much of an Autistic person’s life could have been filled with constant confusion and lack of empathy from others.

Then, as an Autistic you are continually told how much you lack empathy or emotion.

Think about our world, our world, our minds do not process or think in the same ways and we are bombarded with this world that we live in telling us how wrong we are for being the way we are. We are told how we need to change to make others feel loved. We need to learn how to express emotion, thoughts, and learn to communicate in ways that can feel foreign and unnatural? I am not against compromise, but I wonder … I wonder.

Sigh … I will stop because I am not sure if I am making any sense.

Back to my anxiety – I am passionate about understanding relationships. I understand both sides for Autistics and nonautisitics. I do realize the difficultly and pain that others may be feeling, but I felt a mass amount of irritation today about it. I felt my belly on fire and I felt like it was an injustice to portray us in such generalized ways. (Well that is injustice.) My agitation was heightened because of my anxiety. I would not normally linger with the feelings of irritation and annoyance. I can usually see their point, have my reaction, and then, quickly move on with sympathy for all parties. My anxiety kept the negative feelings lingering.

By 3:00 pm, I was feeling fatigued and sick.

My brain was fuzzy, my stomach hurt, and I started to have signs of allergy symptoms. Daniel had his tutor coming so I had to keep my social mask on; it was a social encounter by that point I was not looking forward to. It did help that I understood why I felt the way I did. The tutoring session went well, but my sensory sensitivities heightened causing even more irritation. I was starting to get irritated and hurt by her because she kept staring at my birthmark. I normally, hide it pretty well just so I do not have to deal with that too, but I was too tired today.

This caused me to have another trigger of insecurity.

I have so many traumas wrapped up into my birthmark that if I am vulnerable in any way it can send me into tears if someone stares at it. By 4:15 pm, I was ready for bed. Of course, I could not go to bed. I shook it off reminding myself that I have no idea what she was thinking and WHO CARES anyway! I have three little ones to take care of I do not need to concern myself with things like that. Instead, I read books in the living room to them. Daniel was on the chair with me and Ariel and Joshua played while listening.

After dinner, I had to lay on the couch for a little bit.

Ariel lay with me while the boys played and we watched Seinfeld and then, The Brady Bunch because they had never seen it before. Daniel asked me to turn it off. Lol! He said, “I do not like the sound that the show makes.” I am not sure what that means, but I turned it off. After that, I got up did the dishes and decided to take a shower. I felt much better and realized that I should probably document all of this to help me process.

Who knows maybe someone else knows what I am talking about or can relate!

Writing all of this I understand how one perceived negative comment (and bombarding of unnecessary words and negative tales) could spin me into a tinge of anxiety. I now know what it means when I get that tinge in my heart. Since, I allowed myself to “experience” all of this I think I am better equipped to redirect myself next time. I also understand that my many social and sensory situations have made me more vulnerable and sensitive. This week is packed. Grandma is supposed to come on Thursday if she feels well (a lingering unknown), I am still waiting for the exact date of the eye exams, and on Friday they are working on the house. I have to think of something to do with the kids away from the house because they will be putting in insulation, it has to be done inside the house. (Oh, and I have an appointment with my therapist on Friday afternoon.) More lingering unknowns … unsettled anxieties.

Knowing is half the battle!

Some excellent read for the day. (Could[should] bring awareness and perspective.)

There Will Never Be Another You

New Research on Autism and Suicide

Autistic children are 28 times more likely to be suicidal

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03/17/13

Ideal(ized) Love & So On …

I have written another post about this that has become an entity of its own. I was trying to bring clarity to the differences between narcissistic idealized love (fantasies) and that of Aspergers ideals of love. I tried to find resources for Aspergers, but there are limited resources on the topic.

I did mange to find a few, but I found a lot more about narcissists.

However, with this post and the other I could not stay clear and direct on the topics I wanted to cover. So I hope by sharing this I can give a few helpful tidbits?? I will post the other tomorrow after I comb over it again. Let’s talk about Aspergers and love. (I reread this post Love Is Blind, Marriage Is the Eye-opener.) Many of us have deep, penetrating love for someone(people), our animals, our special interests, or one/all of the above.

Some of our behaviors can look (maybe a little bit “wink, wink”) obsessive.

Our “obsessive,” better words, extremely focused of all attention; behaviors are distinctively different from a narcissist. I have not read very many things that indicate that Aspergers people are psychic vampires or emotionally draining. Emotionally confusing, not showing empathy the ways others expect, possibly not very touchy/feely, may want to have (need) time alone, but I have not read articles where they say my Aspergers partner sucks the very life out of me and I am left in a constant state of confusion/fear/worthlessness.

Though I have read some of that from women dating/married to Aspergers men.

I cannot speak about that since I do not know their situation. I do not know his side of the story. I do not know what is going on in the household, or how they perceive his actions. Based on the many myths about Aspergers I am inclined to believe that there are other factors playing into the behaviors that these women describe that may be other than Aspergers.

I do not have enough information to make a proper judgment.

I did read this and for any women who may feel hopeless in their marriage maybe you will find some hope Married…with Asperger’s. Back to the obsession thing, can we become obsessed with individuals? Yes. And guess what? So can everyone else! The difference is that we are not very good at hiding it. If we care for someone, our emotions can take the best of us and override all other things. Here was a quick post that I found Asperger’s Crushes: When the Brain Gets Hijacked by Neuro-terrorists.

We can become obsessively madly “in love” with our special interests.

Do not misinterpret my statement. I love music; I used to be obsessed with music. I lived in a world that was nothing but music. I felt like it knew me, it spoke to me, it exposed me. I personalized it to be my best imaginary friend. I still feel deep connections with music, but I no longer become so engulfed that I spend hours in a music store or online searching for new music or old music.

I have had many things that I loved with all of my being.

I have loved my animals deeply. (I do love Mr. Nathaniel he is the BEST!) I have loved certain people in my life with more love than I can describe. I think my love for my children has trumped all other love for me. It is different and unique and even when I do not feel connected on this planet, my love for them connects me. I do not know how to explain it. I am not obsessed with my children. I actually, think it is the first time I have loved in a healthy way and that is why it is so different.

The thing about narcissists is that they do not understand that.

They are incapable of loving people or their “special interests” in a way that does not objectify. The only emotion and connection they feel are the intense drug-like effects and that is why there is a constant need to fulfill that instant gratification. They are not long lasting. They do not feel deeply connected.

They have only adopted the love for it to achieve some other master plan that they have meshing around in their mind.

People who feel that Aspergers (Autistics) do not love or are incapable, should consider their view of love differently. Stop for a moment and ponder, is there something that they love? A particular item, an animal, are they deeply moved by animals? Do they seem to show empathy toward a fish, but you feel that they do not for you? Or do they show more affection toward their books, computers, and sock monkeys? Ok, I was using myself there a little bit.

When you start looking at how emotions are expressed and where it is directed you could find some very helpful answers and ways to help your relationship.

I am only speculating and using my personal experience with my son who is autistic. When I changed my perspective and expectations, I quickly saw how he expressed his love and empathy. The confusion that swims around Aspergers lacking empathy is frustrating some days. A narcissist lacks empathy.

They are unable or unwilling to empathize with another person.

However, the narcissist is able to mask, pretend, adopt, and mirror in such uncanny ways that many times they seem to be the most empathetic person around. Aspergers can and do empathize, but it is not mirrored in the way that people have become expectant of. Our empathy can be the form of a question, taking care of a physical need, getting you food or water, it could even manifest in the form of cleaning. While you are sitting on the couch sobbing, my mom may get up and start sweeping your floor or doing the dishes for you.

That is how she shows empathy and her love.

She will make sure you are taken care of with Kleenex, water, or food, but she may not ask you anything about why you are crying. In her mind, she feels that you will tell her if you feel the need to talk about it. She is taking care of things that she knows are the last thing you want to think about. She will never say a word. She will not bring any attention to herself and she would prefer no one to say anything to her. A narcissist will tell you every single detail of what they did for you and expect a big grand THANK YOU as you sat sobbing on the couch.

Lack of Empathy: The Most Telling Narcissistic Trait

“Narcissists do not consider the pain they inflict on others; nor do they give any credence to others’ perceptions,” says Dr. Les Carter in the book Enough of You, Let’s Talk About Me (p. 9). “They simply do not care about thoughts and feelings that conflict with their own.” Do not expect them to listen, validate, understand, or support you.”

Any perceived nuisance from the narcissist is deemed as something that takes away from his/her plans. Unless they can twist the situation to make themselves look like a hero or they are trying to win over (conquer) their “idealized love” they will become annoyed or they will not even notice the person suffering in emotional or physical pain.

They will downplay the other persons emotional or physical hurt.

Aspergers people tend to be highly sensitive to these types of things. It can be subconscious where we only feel something, but have no idea why. Our heighten sensitivities cause us to shut down and look as though we do not care, are being selfish, lack empathy, or are indifferent. We may say things matter-of-factually that could be perceived as insensitive or lacking emotional support. We may be confused by the social situation which could cause us to say things that seem hurtful. We may not notice things because we are stuck on the details.

We also may not know how to respond which can cause us anxiety and fear of saying/doing the wrong things.

Many of us have been “socially corrected” so often that we have anxieties about hurting others. This can cause us to stay quiet or even walk away because it is much better not to hurt anyone than, to say or do something that would cause a person more pain. I wanted to establish that we do not lack empathy because I believe that may play a role in idealized love. Lack of empathy makes it easier to objectify others and situations. With idealized love, the person becomes an object. They are a fabricated fantasy of what the person desires. There is no way that anyone could ever achieve this status. Many of us desire that “ideal” love, but we are also aware that it is not reality.

How do we know that?

We observe human nature. All of us long for something that could fill our deepest of desires, but we also know that in reality it is unlikely that we would find the perfect anything. As an Aspergers person, I can share my experience with this.

I have a very vivid imagination.

There have been times in my life when I have been frightened that I could not tell the difference between my imagination and my reality. In the last year, looking over the times when this happened the commonality was that I was in highly traumatic situations or being heavily influenced by other people that caused me to doubt myself so much that it seemed to be my way of coping. I have also discovered that this is considered “normal.”

Have I idealized love?

Yes, but it was the idea of being loved. I have longed for mutual love, a partnership, a companion, a caring peer that understood me and accepted me. This could be a friend or a significant other. In my relationships, it seemed that I would become consumed into the other persons world, which seems much like narcissistic behavior, but I had no idea it happened. The initial thing that happened was that they adopted my world first then, at some point it switched.

I did not want to become someone else.

I would become absorbed into their ideals. I would lose my moral values and not even be aware of it. It would manifest in a complete loss of self. I have done this with all sorts of relationships. I believe it is because I had no understanding of boundaries or self-worth. A narcissist uses these tactics to mold, create, morph, and control the person they have idealized. I think for many Aspergers people when/if we become absorbed with a person it is because we want to get to know them – never to manipulate or control them.

After reading some of the ways that narcissists behave in order to win over their ideal love mate it is very clear that Aspergers are not the same.

At least, from what I have read and researched. Of course, it is not exhaustive so this is a little generalized. Basically, we all know that every individual is different and on their own spectrum of humanness. I cannot get this post out the way I want to either. Instead, I will stop now in hopes that I have made some good points here and add some resources. The main thing to remember, is that Aspergers people are not usually trying to treat you poorly. Our affections, attentions, and empathy may look different, but we are not out to try to hurt others.

We are not the ones who spend time planning and plotting manipulative ways.

It is rather difficult to be that cunning when you do not know how to read body language, social cues, whether or not someone likes you, are struggling with your sensory processing, and it takes all of your efforts just to get your name to come out of your mouth! Narcissists are charismatic, (not that Aspsergers cannot be) they use their charm to fool and trick. Aspergers can be spending much of our time trying to remember what to say next, or searching our brains for something to talk about. We are not usually harmful, abusive stalkers, in many cases we are the ones who have been stalked. This can contribute to a longing and yearning for an ideal love with friendship, or a partner. It could possibly be the image of the parents we wished we had, but I believe that many of us understand that we are seeking the love and acceptance that we have not felt throughout our lives.

I did not learn how to love myself, but I did not hate myself either.

I have been in a type of void limbo about this. I thought I should not like myself based on how others treated me, but I have to admit I have and do like myself. When I (did have) do have my time alone I always enjoy myself and much of the time I have more fun than when I am with people. Well, it depends on the people. I have babbled enough, I suppose …

The first link has point blank questions to ask when in a relationship of any kind.

Use them as a guide especially, if you feel that Aspergers people are anything like narcissists or abusers. If there seems to be red flags for you then talk to someone! Please do not blame Aspergers for every issue that seems selfish or lacking empathy. If your partner has a meltdown because things are not where they “belong” or the schedule gets changed, try to see it from their perspective. I know that it can be challenging and not make sense to those who see it as trivial, but there are reasons. Remember every person is different and all of us have expectations that need to be evaluated.

How to Spot an Abuser on Your First Date (A list of questions to ask yourself.)

Philosophy of Love: An Overview

Narcissistic Love versus Unconditional Love

Don’t Be Fooled by a Narcissist

What Makes Narcissists Tick

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03/9/13

“Expect The Unexpected”

Yesterday, I met with my dad and we had a late lunch together. He had a few phrases that he shared with me to help bring home points that he was making, one of them was a suggestion. It was in hopes of offering help with Daniel in the area of unexpectedness. While, I do agree I can stretch him, Ariel, Joshua, and me more in this area, it is not a good thing to create an atmosphere of unexpectedness.

This will increase anxiety in the kids and myself.

We need routine and constants in many areas. I have seen how much it helps Daniel and myself progress, and I have watched how the anxiety in the kids and myself become less by maintaining routine and keeping things as predictable as possible. I did not misinterpret, his suggestion was based on me telling him about Daniel having hard times with unexpected sounds or changes. For those who do not know much about autism, it may sound like a good idea to “spring” unexpected things onto an autistic in hopes that it would help them become more comfortable with the unexpected. Personally, I think it could go either way.

I share a few resources below that may be helpful.

I do understand that this world is full of unexpected things, but for the autistic person we try to control that as much as we can. In fairness, my dad was not suggesting to make an atmosphere of unexpectedness, he was only saying that maybe I should try to do some unexpected things to help Daniel become more comfortable with disruptions. I do think that there could be some benefit in doing this, but I also know that if it does not go well that an entire day up to a week could be filled with meltdowns and recovery. It is something to work on no doubt, but our lives have felt so unstable for so long that I would like to have a while of the predicable.

The words have stuck with me, “expect the unexpected.”

I realized that it is a positive thing as well. I can apply this to relationships, if I maintain a routine and stable home life I am much better at the unpredictability in my social life. I had been preparing myself for this the last few weeks by reaching out to people and trying to push myself to be more social. I reached out to family because I no longer wanted to be bound by the thoughts that had been causing me fear and anxiety.

I decided that I needed to reach out and get answers, find support, and share what has been going on with me.

I was nervous about meeting with dad because I have not been alone with him in over 10 years. I also, have had decades of old scripts of our relationship collected throughout my life. I had no idea what was going to happen. I knew that I had nothing to lose at this point just being completely honest with him, but I had not planned on pouring out things either. I did not realize that the day before when my emotions hit and I went through some major healing it had stripped away certain expectations.

My desires were very simple.

I wanted to spend time with my dad, and I needed to know how he felt about me. I received something so special that it was completely unexpected. I met my dad, but he was a new man to me. He was the father that my sisters have talked about and boasted about all over facebook. He listened to me, he accepted me, he talked to me, and he apologized to me. He shared things with me that made me feel as though I was little Angel, receiving all of the love that had not received as a child.

I told him that I had no idea how he felt about me, or what he thought about me.

I shared about my diagnosis of depression and PTSD, hinted about my anxiety, but I did not tell him about Aspergers. Strangely, I felt perfectly fine with that. I no longer had the need for his approval with my diagnosis. I broke down and told him that I felt unlovable and unloved. I shared how alone I felt.

It poured out of me and I could not stop.

I saw my dad look heartbroken, but something had changed in a huge way. In that moment, it was not turned around onto me. I was not given scripture references throughout the whole conversation, or told that I needed to devote more to God. (Though there were some things talked about, I will share in a moment.) There were no excuses; he told me that he assumed that I knew how he felt about me. He apologized for not expressing it verbally and he told me how he felt about me.

I felt safe around him.

I do think that it had a lot to do with my mindset though. I did not go in with the anxiety or fear of being hurt; I had been in so much emotional pain for days that by the time I saw my dad it no longer mattered. I did not feel what I had felt in the past, but the main thing that changed was that in my desperation I no longer allowed fear of rejection to stop me. I shared more about what has been going on with me in the last 10 years.

Especially the five, which have been some of the toughest that I have gone through.

I was honest with him about where I was at with my faith. There were moments when I felt as though I was being judged, but he pointed out that I was being on the defense. He was right; I have become so accustomed to defending all of my actions that I automatically did it with him.

At that point, I spilled out how I felt as though no matter what I do it is never enough.

I told him that I cannot live up to all of the expectations that I felt others had for me, but I also had no idea what they were and I have spent my whole life trying to do everything right so that I would finally, one day “get it.” He told me to let all of that go and start to be the person I was meant to be, be Angel forget about other people’s expectations.

He encouraged me to speak up and start using my voice.

He did not say those exact words, but he built into me and gave me support. We were in a Chinese restaurant for about two hours. In those two hours, I received the gift of healing with my dad. I felt decades of hurt, shame, and fear melt off me. I felt as though something inside of me connected.

I saw a visual of both my parents coming together as a whole.

Not as in their marriage, they have been divorced since I was around 3 1/2 years-old. It was as if my inner me was connecting parts of me that had been disconnected for my whole life, if that makes any sense. I acknowledge that much of this had to do with me because I did not stay quiet. I spoke up when I did not feel heard, but since my dad was so open, I was able to listen to him with new ears as well. Not many people get to hear their parents admit when they have done things to hurt their child, I consider this somewhat a miracle that I have now had this healing with both of my parents.

My dad confessed his behaviors and actions that he did when I was a child.

He even shared how he has not been the most compassionate person throughout the years. I am not sure what has happened over the years, but he has thought about the past. He has thought about the choices he made during my childhood. He has thought about what it has done to me. For years, I took on all the blame. There were years when after I talked to my dad that I would leave confused, hurt, guilty for bringing anything up, and like a failure somehow, but could not explain why.

I did not feel any of that yesterday.

My dad made it very clear how he feels about me and that he and my step mom love me very much. I know that there are some things that I am unable to share about myself or about autism because of differing views. However, my dad made it very clear that he supports me and he listened to my current struggles and situation with open ears and let me know how much I am loved. I am beyond words and incredibly thankful.

The other day, I felt as if my spirit had hit bottom.

I felt that physically, about a month ago – it seems that my emotions caught up with me this week. My inner voice, crying out all of my hidden emotions made me push through reaching a point of accepting fully that I am the only one who can help me. I knew this, but I was not able to grab hold of it.

I still need the support of others.

I need to know that there are people that I can rely on. I need to know that I will not be judged or condemned. I am very pleased to know that I can look to more of my family. I was not sure what to expect yesterday with my dad, but I was unexpectedly surprised. I discovered an unexpected new me, and an unexpected new start with my dad.

I will be a little more open to the unexpected. (So I can expect it. Hee hee)

Autism and the “expected-unexpected” social thinking vocabulary?

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 1

How Do Children with Autism Deal With the Unexpected? Part 2

Transitioning Back to School: 5 Tips for Parents (I think you can use these principles with anything new or to help introduce change.)

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02/26/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

I need to feel safe, stable, and constant. Every time I have worked hard at providing an environment like that my kids thrive and Daniel shows great progress. SO do I. I read this and found it very thought provoking The narcissist inhabits an eternal present.

Various excerpts:

I. Instability and Lability

The life of the narcissist is inherently unstable. This makes it difficult to perceive time as a linear flow of causes and their effects. The narcissist’s time is cyclical, arbitrary, and magical.

A narcissist is a person who derives his Ego (and ego functions) from the reactions of his human environment to a projected, invented image called the False Self. Since no absolute control over such feedback of Narcissistic Supply is possible – it is bound to be volatile – the narcissist’s view of himself and of his surroundings is correspondingly and equally volatile. As “public opinion” fluctuates, so do his self-confidence, self-esteem, generally, so does his self. Even his convictions are subject to a never-ending voting process by others.

a. Compensatory Stability (“Classic”) Narcissists

These narcissists isolate one or more (but never most) aspects of their lives and “make these aspect/s stable”. They do not really invest themselves in it. The stability is maintained by artificial means: money, celebrity, power, fear. A typical example is a narcissist who changes numerous workplaces, a few careers, a myriad of hobbies, value systems or faiths. At the same time, he maintains (preserves) a relationship with a single woman (and even remains faithful to her). She is his “island of stability”. To fulfil this role, she just needs to be there physically.

b. Enhancing Instability (“Borderline”) Narcissist

The other kind of narcissist enhances instability in one aspect or dimension of his life – by introducing instability in others. Thus, if such a narcissist resigns (or, more likely, is made redundant) – he also relocates to another city or country. If he divorces, he is also likely to resign his job. This added instability gives these narcissists the feeling that all the dimensions of their life are changing simultaneously, that they are being “unshackled”, that a transformation is in progress. This, of course, is an illusion. Those who know the narcissist, no longer trust his frequent “conversions”, “decisions”, “crises”, “transformations”, “developments” and “periods”. They see through his pretensions and declarations into the core of his instability. They know that he is not to be relied upon. They know that with narcissists, temporariness is the only permanence.

II. Recurrent Losses

Narcissists are accustomed to loss. Their obnoxious personality and intolerable behaviours makes them lose friends and spouses, mates and colleagues, jobs and family. Their peripatetic nature, their constant mobility and instability causes them to lose everything else: their place of residence, their property, their businesses, their country, and their language.

There is a lot of information for each section on the website.

Yes, Aspie’s may seem to have paralleling behaviors from a person who has not spent time trying to get to know an Aspie, or from merely misinterpreting the behaviors of an Aspie. If one believes that these are behaviors of an Aspie, keep in mind any perceived behaviors like this is for very different reasons. We can be accustomed to loss because of our awkward, odd, quirky, misunderstood ways not because we are obnoxious or being intolerable. (On purpose to protect ourselves that is, again I cannot speak for all, but if an Aspie is being like this I would investigate and try to find the “right” questions to ask.) We could be perceived in those ways, but many times, it has to do with not understanding social cues, body language, tone, the interpretations of words, etc … Much of the time we do not know how to protect ourselves. We can be very trusting, depending on the life of an Aspie, this trust could have been violated so many times that we stay to ourselves.

Instability with jobs can be for various reasons.

I did not have difficulty keeping or maintaining jobs. I had circumstances affect my situations that caused me to leave or be laid off from my workplaces, prior to that I had been very stable in my work career. I would have stayed at several of my workplaces had the company not laid off people. One business I discovered was doing shady practices and I could not live with myself working there, another place was not a good environment for me and they abused my dedications, (They paid me salary for forty hours a week, but had me work fifty. They did not give me the promised raises, but continued to raise expectations and my responsibilities.) it was things like that.

I have packed up and moved to places, several times, but a few of those I did not want to.

It was not really my choice, or I felt pressured to do so. I had planned to stay in the state I was in that I moved to in 1999; I ended up moving a few years later though I really did not want to. Long story I have already written about it on here, somewhere. Here is a helpful link. How does Aspergers affect Employment Prospects? I am sure if other Aspie’s shared, they would be able to give much clarity on the topic. Feel free anyone who feels like it to comment and give insight. I could go on, but I think I have given amble information. This post was prompted by several circumstances that I am not going into. I will say that it has given me much clarity about myself along with helping me gain more identity. I know that I am NOT a narcissist.

Can I be a little narcissistic sometimes, yes, a little bit is good – it’s called self-love. (Healthy Narcissism)

I also plan to write about what seems to look as parallels with Aspergers traits and narcissistic traits regarding “ideal love” and being consumed with special interests. I am going to devote a whole post to those because I have seen several negatitve links pop up that made accusations about Aspergers being “creepy” “obsessive” “self-absorbed” and “stalkers.”

There are certain behaviors that are clearly wrong and violate the boundaries of others.

There are also clear behaviors that are flat out neglect and blatantly disrespectful. I am not referring to dysfunctional or damaging behaviors, I am referring to the difference of what ideal love means to an Aspie from my perspective (taking into account what I have read by others Aspie’s as well) and what it means to a narcissist. I also hope to clear up any misconceptions about our love for our special interests. I do hope to distinguish between what are damaging behaviors and what are not. That post may take me a bit longer.

I will share some more links below. (I know, Shocker! hee hee)

Can you tell I have been in research mode? I found this How to Spot a Narcissist and tried to find another one titled “How to Spot an Aspie,” no such luck. I found it amusing for some reason. How to spot an Aspie. Lol! Instead, I will share this video.

Aspie’s tend to fall into more introverted characteristics, that does not mean antisocial or not wanting to have friends. Our behaviors have been misread often and it pained me to see some links out there claiming that we are narcissistic or selfish. I have been called selfish and eluded to being narcissistic. That is one of the reasons why I questioned myself. Was it possible that I was a narcissist? Am I am selfish person? Nope, I am not. I am an Aspie, who has been socially confused, naive, trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and longing to have companionship at whatever the cost. However, I was not aware of that. I was not aware of how lonely I have felt. My subconscious and conscious had not caught up with each other to comprehend that fully anyway.

I also had not realized that I have been stuck in cycles that I allowed to consume me.

I have become a person that people who knew me before did not recognize. I am not staying that person. I am not allowing the negativity of others, or false perceptions dictate who I am either. That is for my “real” life and for my virtual life. The internet is a tool and resource that can be used for good, bad, and even nuetrality. It is full of opinions, perceptions, and information. I plan to saturate the web, alongside my fellow autistic peers with the truth about Aspergers and autism.

My voice is through my writing, this blog, and my other ones are my voice.

I hope that these posts will help bring light to anyone who is not familiar or wants to understand the difference between Aspergers and narcissism. Before passing judgment look a little deeper and show some compassion. Aspergers is not linked to violence, we are loving, caring, sensitive, and giving people – we are far from the characteristics of a narcissist.

Here is a great page full of links “Feeling Too Much How emotion shapes extraordinary sensitivity.” (by Michael Jawer)

All Introversion is Not the Same

The Power of Introverts – Ep 1 (This is a video series about introverts based on the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain.)

Last bit of my narcissism “fixation.”

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges

How Does the Narcissist Control his Prey?

Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

I would like to add here some links about domestic abuse. For someone like myself, I have not been able to discern what is abuse and what is not clearly. (Until now.) I realize that I have allowed the confusion of minimizing and blame, “taught” to me by my abusers to make me feel as though it was all right to be treated in certain ways, or to feel as though actions were not as bad as they seemed. I feel whole-heartedly that I cannot be the only one, Aspergers, or otherwise who has this issue. The abusers ARE responsible for their actions AND are in control of their behaviors. It is not right, or ok, EVER!

What is Domestic Violence?

Learn the Warning Signs

“Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It is a whole pattern of behaviors used by one partner to establish and maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors can become more frequent and intense over time.

The abusive person is responsible for these behaviors. That person is the only one who can change them. Don’t wait until you and the ones you love get hurt. You Are Not Alone. Consider getting some help. Talk with friends about your situation.”

I found this link helpful too Learn the difference between anger, aggression, and violence.

Another issue is passive-aggressive behavior. I have linked to a page that gives clear examples of what passive-aggressive behavior is. The behaviors have always made me confused and I did not even understand what passive-aggressive behavior was until last year, I think. I know that sounds silly, but I really did not. It has taken this long to comprehend it. It makes no sense to me why people do this, just SAY what your problem is and let’s fix it! Or tell me that you do not know and need to process, I understand that completely.

I noticed that some of these behaviors could be misread by others in a person who is autistic.

In my case, people could say that I have some of the “self-defeating” characteristics. This is not the case, despite all of my self-defeatest spirals I still succeed at what I set out to do. On a daily basis I achieve my goals, I may have set-backs, but even in my worst of negative talk, I still create, teach, research, write, and take care of my kids and household along with other things.

I am quite productive.

AND I do not blame others for anything that I do not accomplish or my circumstances. I did go down the short list they gave, and in ALL cases those things that I may be prone to do have to do with sensory overload, social confusion, anxiety, lack of breaks, not eating right, and/or lack of sleep.”Passive-aggressive behavior refers mainly to a persistent pattern of failing to perform role expectations or achieve “normal” success despite ostensible effort and good will, and despite the aid and coaching of other concerned people.” (from link above.)

If you are dealing with a passive-aggressive person here is a link with some helps DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION.

WHAT IS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR?

Ok, I believe I have made this long enough.

I do hope that others will benefit from these posts. However, if anything I have gained a new perspective about things and I am one step closer to healing. I also feel that if anyone goes searching for Aspergers and narcissism that they may get a better idea of the differences. If you made it this far, thank you! AND Happy Tuesday!

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02/25/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II

Continued from Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I …

We can be the ultimate prize to a narcissist here is good read The Highly Sensitive Person and the Narcissist. They use our natural instinct to be honest against us then, contort and twist it. After a while, even the Aspie with the most acute memory and attention to detail can get confused – if anything the narcissist’s ability to swoon self-doubt into us will cause the Aspie to second themselves, constantly. Narcissists are cunning, smart, can be vindictive, and it seems often enough they fool themselves into believing how great they are or what a wonderful person they are. Until someone or something shifts their fantasy. They use mind games. For an Aspie this can be constant confusion. Since many Aspie’s say what they are thinking without trying to be hurtful they can say the wrong thing all the time to a narcissist and eventually conclude that they ARE wrong all the time.

OR they ARE a horrible person who says the meanest of things causing a complete shutdown of personality and conforming to the personality of the narcissist in order to survive.

Side note: Gain knowledge and protect yourselves wisely fellow Aspergers peers, and do not doubt; find trustworthy people to confide in and share what is happening to determine if it is only social confusion or actual manipulation/abuse. I have shared plenty of links and resources about abuse on here if in doubt ask someone! A therapist may be one of the best people because they have no emotional involvement and can look at your situation with a different perspective. Narcissists and any type of manipulator will drain us and deplete us of energy causing great confusion, exhaustion, ultimately leading into depression and isolation. These affects happen to those who are not autistic, however, I believe there can be a different type of scarring and damage done to those of us who are autistic. We are already vulnerable with our identity and many of us can have a fragile self-esteem because of various factors, a narcissist may see this as a perfect puppet.

Aspie’s and narcissists seem to parallel in many ways, but they are for VERY different reasons.

Aspie’s may have a perceived cold/hard type of personaility and may seem emotionless at times, but in those cases it is probable that they have had to do that in order to protect themselves. Many factors would play into that. Our brains are being accosted by social settings/confusion, anxieties, trying to filter through communication, and our sensory processing is normally in overdrive or shutdown from being overwhelmed. Our meltdowns are not manipulative. Our outbursts are not because we are demanding attention; they are because we cannot communicate, may not know how to express ourselves, we may not know what we are feeling and are overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and confusion, or feel unheard and alone. The other factor that plays a huge role in possible meltdowns is sensory overload. A narcissist has rage and aggression this is not the same as an Aspie meltdown. Narcissistic Rage and the Sense of Entitlement

They have outbursts due to narcissistic injury (another great video.)

Narcissists use tools to manipulate and control. I read here The tools of the narcissist “The narcissist uses five main tools. These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence and in exactly this order.” Aspie’s can spend a lot of energy on choosing gifts or feel inadequate in giving them either way it is out of emotion of caring or not wanting to mess up when it comes to gifts. Affection? Well that depends on the Aspie and how affectionate they are or what their form of affection is. If you get the affections of an Aspie it normally is not out of manipulation or control. Aspie’s and withdrawal can happen because being overwhelmed, losing our words, being confused, many times we are reliving an event over and over in our head combing over every detail to try to figure out how we messed up or what even happened. We could be suffering from a PTSD or C-PTSD episode and not be aware of it.

Withdrawal is not a means to use the “silent treatment,”in order to hurt others, but to try to process and regulate ourselves.

Threats and violence? Well if an Aspie is doing this there is something behind this behavior. Not that we are not capable EVERYONE is capable of threats and violence, but I would venture to say there is something else happening that is provoking the behavior. It could be being abused, bullied, harassed, and/or feeling hopeless because they cannot communicate or verbalize properly. If anyone is acting out like that there is something wrong, but narcissists use it to control their victims.

They also will blame their outbursts on outside sources, and most likely will not apologize unless it serves a greater purpose.

It is not like that for Aspie’s, after a meltdown, there can be great remorse, shame, and guilt. Many times, it is hard to know exactly why the outburst happened until there has been time to process. There is a difference too, we process our outbursts and will sincerely apologize for our behavior/actions. Narcissists live a life of compulsive decisions. Aspie’s are not known for being compulsive, though it could look compulsive to an outsider.

However, many times we have spent many hours, even years pondering our plan of action, but we may keep it all to ourselves.

We may also have felt that we explained it to those around us very clearly, but if people do not know how to interpret what we are saying they could take our words in stride or as fleeting, when we are being very serious and direct. Miscommunication and misinterpretation can be construed as being manipulative, but I believe that has more to do with how people perceive things. The narcissist thrives on being “unpredictable” and not having a routine. They may have a routine, but it is nothing like the way Aspie’s have and NEED routine in order to help them function better in many ways. I can only speak for myself in this, but constant change and instability is life sucking for me. If I feel unsettled, which I have for years, my anxieties flare and my fears take over.

I need my routines – I need stability.

To be continued Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same III …

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02/24/13

Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same I

While all of us do have some narcissism, there is a difference between healthy narcissism and damaging narcissistic behaviors (NPD.) At one point in my life, I wondered if I were a narcissist because I could not understand why I was so different and seemed antisocial. I am far from antisocial, I fall under more introvert – I do not fall under antisocial behaviors. However, I discovered from my recent research frenzy that if you are a narcissist you are most likely well aware that you are one. Part of the fun in the narcissistic game is convincing everyone else that you are not one; the biggest feat would be to convince others that they, indeed, are the actual narcissist themselves.

Aspie’s are nothing like that that. (Well I cannot speak for ALL, but you get my meaning.)

I am not the only who has thought about this either, I found these two forums with some good conversations Aspies and narcissism and Are Aspies prone to narcissism? I do admit that we as humans all have ways of manipulation, but there is a difference between being malicious draining the life (very hope) out people to get your way, and trying to ensure your well being is taken care of. Before I go any further, I want to share a video that I found. I think it gives some good information and clear distinctions.

I though the video gave a very clear descriptions, however, every person is an individual so some Aspie’s may not agree with his take.

However, I agree that the take home here is that Aspies want to have relationships and share their emotions while narcissists can, but will use all sorts of things to fill their narcissistic supply (Excellent video!) instead, of having deep meaningful relationships. The narcissist does not care if they receive negative or positive attention.

They will take whatever; they will even soak up flattery and false compliments.

Thinking of myself and from remembering many of the adult Aspie blogs and websites we tend find false compliments and too much attention to feel awkward and wrong. If we receive too much attention, it makes for even more social awkwardness and can manifest social confusion, causing us to shutdown or respond in odd ways. Such as saying, “Why are you saying that?” “Haven’t we seen each other enough lately?” “Why are you giving me a compliment for taking care of my kids? I am a parent that is what a parent does.” Those types of things could come out of an Aspie if there is too much attention or flattery.

I will share the characteristics of a narcissistic.

Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

Here is a simplified version:

Recognizing the Narcissist

“They seem well-assembled and self-assured, sometimes with a saccharine wit,” says Behary, cautioning that they can also “quickly pull the rug out from under you, reducing you to boredom, tears, apprehension, or disgust without a flinch.” Typically, narcissists display ten of the following thirteen traits:

1. Self-absorbed
      Acts like everything is all about him or her
2. Entitled
   Makes the rules; breaks the rules
3. Demeaning
    Puts you down, bullyish
4. Demanding
      of whatever he or she wants
5. Distrustful
   Suspicious of your motives when you’re being
nice to him or her
6. Perfectionistic
   Rigidly high standards – his or her way or no way
7. Snobbish
    Believes he or she is superior to you and others;
gets bored easily
8. Approval seeking
   Craves constant praise and recognition
9. Unempathic
   Uninterested in understanding your inner experience,
or unable to do so
10. Unremorseful
Cannot offer a genuine apology
11. Compulsive
Gets overly consumed with details and minutiae
12. Addictive
Cannot let go of bad habits; uses them to self soothe
13. Emotionally detached
Steers clear of feeling

These are not traits of an Aspie have a gander here List of Asperger Traits.

I read this post Just Listen – Don’t Confuse a Narcissist with Asperger’s Syndrome, in some ways it did not feel very positive, but I believe the intent was to be positive. It could be how I interpreted the words. I found what I made bold to be kind of helpful …

“However if you live with someone with Asperger like features it’s a little more complicated. For instance even though you may feel how they treat you is meant personally, if what they do is not meant personally, it’s not right for you to take it personally. That means it is neither fair nor reasonable to treat someone who is just not sensitive (i.e. they are not doing it intentionally) as if they were someone who is insensitive (i.e. they are intentionally not sensitive). Instead of reacting and talking at them, be calm and talk to or with them and focus on their specific observable behavior(s) and the effect it has on you and what it causes you to do in response, which you don’t want to do. Furthermore, give them a specific alternative observable behavior to do instead, because in these areas that they are weak, they may not be teachable, but they are often trainable if you speak to them in a respectful way.”

Something else that I found interesting is that narcissists cannot nor will they receive criticism.

Aspie’s may not handle criticism well, but many times, we are open to listening if we do not get confused by how things are phrased. Many Aspie’s have been bullied or abused in some way, if anything; social-awkwardness and social confusion can filter the way we perceive things. If we are literal about words the way that we are criticized could feel as if our very souls are being ripped apart. If the criticism is laced with “fake” compliments that will confuse us or make us upset. If it is nothing, but negative and our talents are not acknowledged we could be hypersensitive.

Aspie’s can be extremely self-critical, but not voice it.

People may think that because we do not voice, or may be unable to express what we are feeling that we have a certain air about us. It can be misinterpreted as being confident, stuck-up, or arrogant. Many times that is not the case at all and if it is brought to our attention, we are the first to apologize and try to explain ourselves.

If people are willing to listen and are willing to let go of their own injured filters.

Narcissists will be openly self-critical if it will gain them attention, but they have a battle on the inside. Half of them is critical the other half is their fantasy self that cannot believe they have any flaw so they will somehow turn the criticism into someone else’s fault. Most likely the person that is trying to build into them or they will find some other “enemy” to insure the person that is filling their emotional supply sees them as the victim. The Narcissist’s Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . .

Aspie’s are normally victims, Asperger syndrome and bullying.

To Be Continued Aspergers – Narcissism: NOT The Same II …

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02/23/13

Striving For My Healing

I was diagnosed with PTSD in October along with my other diagnoses. Since then, I have trying to find ways to help me deal with my traumas and learn how to heal in a healthy way. I continued to make progress, but then would have the feeling as though someone had come up behind me while I was standing on top of that hill. The shadow barely touching me, making me feel safe enough to keep going. However, when I would begin to make my next move it felt as if the shadow used all its power to push me down a huge rocky mountain with sharp stones piercing me all the way down.

As I lay at the bottom, dizzy and confused I could not see the source.

I did not understand why this continued to happen. It did not make sense why I would continue to fall into a depressive cycle leading into feeling engulfed with fears and anxieties. It would spiral me into the same pattern – leaving me feeling as if there was something wrong with me and that I would never be all right. After this last cycle, I got to an extreme low that I knew. I knew it very well because I have had this extreme low happen several times in my life.

The first time I was sixteen and tried to commit suicide.

I was in an abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend and a classic predator. It was a relationship that started when I was fourteen and lasted until I was around seventeen. It took a while to get away from him. I would not be surprised if he still kept some sort of track on me. I was also a teenager responsible for my two younger sisters while my mom worked.

She worked anywhere from 45-60 hours a week.

I went to school and then, took care of my sisters. I was responsible for keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, and making the meals. Before my mom and step dad were divorced I would be furious as he sat in the living room watching TV while I was making his dinner. He expected it every night at a certain time. I fed my little sisters, changed their diapers, and gave them their baths, etc…

I could not handle the social pressures at school.

I was being stalked and watched by people who were friends of my boyfriend. I never knew when he would show up and invade my locker and other belongings. I never knew when I would be accused of cheating when I talked to another boy. I have written enough about him he is not allowed to have any more of my words unless it is through a creative means. My sensory issues were heightened as well in school. The lights, smells, sounds, and crowdedness were overwhelming. My social anxieties and confusions were always on high. I never had a break.

I was almost never alone.

When I was alone it was during the wee hours of the night because I suffered from insomnia throughout much of my high school life. During the time, I reached the point trying to commit suicide I felt trapped. I could not see any other way out. I felt as though it would benefit everyone involved if I would just leave this planet. As I lay in the hospital bed looking at mom she was looking at me, I realized that she really did love me.

She made me promise that I would never do that again.

I did promise and that is what saved me when I was in my twenties feeling this same desperation. It took several months, but I redirected myself and changed my life into a positive direction only to fall for another person who had his best interest in mind. This relationship was unhealthy. I battled depression throughout that relationship as well.

It led to another unhealthy relationship with similar patterns.

I did seem to find friends who had these similar patterns as well. I now know that I am not the only one who has done this. I believe there are many factors that play into my serial unhealthy relationships. It starts from childhood leading up until today. I feel as though I am standing with all of the sheets pulled down and see with clarity what I need to do and how I need to make changes. Unfortunately, this is a pattern as well. If I do not make a huge adjustment in my way of thinking while I see and comprehend this I could easily fall back into the depressive pattern.

There are cycles when I can see clearly, but I become confused and begin to doubt myself.

I will begin to doubt and shutdown because self-doubt makes me feel as though no one else will believe me. This has been my downfall – the self-doubt. It is ironic because in every situation when I have seen or felt red flags or felt that I should investigate more somehow I was convinced by others that I did not need to worry. There were times though that I interpreted people’s lack of speaking up as acceptance or approval instead of the opposite. I should have listened to my gut and asked them more questions very directly and requesting complete honesty. Although, when I have done that in the past people did not tell me – they told me what they thought I wanted to hear.

I wanted the truth that is why I was asking!

I digress … The bottom line is that I felt trapped and as if I was such a burden in this world that it was pointless to go on, or that I had no one listening/willing to help me. I did not truly try to commit suicide again, but my cutting and weight control (anorexia) got much worse and so did my reckless behaviors. However, at some point I would decide that I needed to change so I would redirect all of my attentions on my work, later it became church then, children.

I did not do much of anything else except whatever I was focused on.

I would achieve the goals I set out to. I was successful. When I felt stable and in control of my own life my depression was much different. I would become depressed, but they were short cycles and not deep depression. I would feel isolated, but then would go out when I felt like it. I had friends that I could talk to (not about my true feelings, but I could have fun) and go out with. I may not have had a ton of them, but I had a few that I could contact or they would contact me if I went quiet for too long.

The other common factor during my severe depressive cycles was that I felt completely isolated.

I have been evaluating my patterns and acknowledging those that I just-can-no-longer-do. I made a conscious decision to not fall this time around. One thing that I realized is that my recovery and healing from childhood trauma on to now cannot be done alone. I have continued to try to do this alone and I cannot. I also had great clarity that I need and MUST have a compassionate and accepting support system in order to bring healing in my life.

It is no longer an option.

I read a great post about C-PTSD here “speak the unspeakable.” I am kind of a mixed bag of symptoms. I will not go down the list, but since I am hypersensitive to the empathy issue I will say, again, I do not lack empathy I tend to be overwhelmed with the emotions around me. I may not be able to mirror them back, but it has to do with not being able to discern where the emotion is coming from. I did connect to what they shared here very much; it made something click for me.

C-PTSD Introduction:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape, such as in cases of:

domestic emotional, physical or sexual abuse
childhood emotional, physical or sexual abuse
entrapment or kidnapping.
slavery or enforced labor.
long term imprisonment and torture
repeated violations of personal boundaries.
long-term objectification.
exposure to gaslighting & false accusations
long-term exposure to inconsistent, push-pull, splitting or alternating raging & hoovering behaviors.
long-term taking care of mentally ill or chronically sick family members.
long term exposure to crisis conditions

(Click on the hyper links for more information about each topic.)

When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle, or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before. (This was from the link above “speak the unspeakable.)

I have found this website to be extremely helpful for various topics Out of the FOG.

It is very important to find support in the healing process. As I went down the list of treatment number 10 jumped out at me because it is what I desperately need “Placement in a supportive environment where the victim can discover they are not alone and can receive validation for their successes and support through their struggles.”

I am not in a situation where I can leave and take time to recover.

I have realized how crucial this is for the kids and me. I have found several online support groups and I am connecting to those who will bring support for the kids as well. What I mean by support for them is other children and for me to have healthy relationships with other mothers and parents.

I am going to share with my mom and aunt in more detail about what PTSD is – I do know that they show symptoms as well.

They have found healthier ways to cope with their issues. They are also quite independent and are not in the same situations as myself. I have to find my way to move forward that will keep me moving forward. I want to share with them because I need people to be there. I went in search of what family and friends can do to help and found this:

This section is for friends or family who wish to support someone they know with a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Understanding post-traumatic stress disorder

If the person wants to talk about their experiences, listen without being judgmental.

Allow the person to be upset without necessarily trying to console them.
Encourage the person with PTSD to talk to, and gain support from, other survivors.
Help them contact organisations that offer specialist support (see ‘Useful contacts’)
Discourage them from getting into a pattern of avoiding situations that remind them of the trauma.

I have found several people who have confirmed some of my struggles (validation) and who are supporting me.

It has helped me a great deal in trusting my “gut” feelings. Many other factors play into my PTSD because of being autistic and the additional trauma of being autistic and not knowing it. A life of confusion and trying to figure out why you are so different is a lot in itself, add emotional, physical, psychological, and sexual abuse into the mix and there is a lot to process.

I am going to share some more links that I found helpful below.

As I was writing this though, I realized that I still have not acknowledged or accepted all of the trauma that I have gone through. I still down play it. I still excuse my abusers behaviors. I still have my mind flood with thoughts that somehow, someway, I deserved it. I have read up on Stockholm Syndrome as well and found this Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser to be very good.

It is long, but worth it, here is an excerpt:

“Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It’s also the reason they continue to see “the good side” of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.”

I have done this with all of my abusers and even years later still find myself doing it.

Interestingly, something snapped and clicked and I yelled (inside my head) “HELL NO!” (sorry for the language) when I realized that I had gone down that depressive cycle again. I am frightened of the changes and boundaries that I have to make, but the fear and anxiety seem to be less of an issue for me. I have too much to live for and my babies mean much more to me than living like this anymore. As a matter-of-fact I can actually say, I mean too much to me to go down this path again.

I think allowing myself to feel my anxiety recently really helped me.

It let me see for myself how fleeting it is. I do not have to be controlled by anxiety, fear, or depression. I do have triggers, but I see why many of them are being set off like firecrackers on a regular basis and that can be minimized by me. I may have depression, but I do have the tools, support, and I am gaining the confidence to face it and think about it differently. I really liked the name of the website Out of the FOG – I intend to do just that and get out of the fog. Deep breath, I’m diving in!

Towanda!!! Ha ha ha (That’s my staple yell when I begin to gain my confidence back, hold on to it Angel!)

Forms of Abuse

Emotional Abuse

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Addictive Relationships

PTSD and Autism

True Health in PTSD Recovery: Part 1

PTSD & The Brain

How would you know if someone you love suffers from PTSD?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder What Happens in the Brain?

Difference between AS and C-PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder in people with learning disability

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02/19/13

The Magic 8 Ball Saves The Day!

I have been quite busy the last two days and staying away from my blogs and facebook pages for the most part. (I am still staying away from my personal facebook. My head feels better.) Yesterday, started out as a good day, well it was a good day overall. However, Daniel was in a VERY happy mood with tons of energy. In his excitement of listening to music and running up and down the stairs, he tripped and fell. He hit his head and the side of his face.

It was horrible!

Something BIG happened though. Normally, when he is hurt he loses all means of communication and can only scream. In recent months, he has been able to point to the area where he got hurt, but was only able to tell me what actually happened about an hour later. When he fell, I was right there setting up a school assignment for Ariel. I ran to him, picked him up, and he let me. He did scream for a few minutes, but then he curled up and let me comfort him. I held him and rocked him on the bed trying to see the wounds.

He did get a bump on his forehead and on the side of his eye.

He is ok though just a little bruised. Although his Beatles hair style covers it up, he will not let me cut his hair. He told me that he wants to be like Rapunzel. He asked, “Why do I always get hurt?” It is unfortunate, but he does hurt himself often not normally this extreme, but the poor guy loses his balance a lot. (I do too walls always attack me!) He also does not take notice of his surroundings. Many times he has bent down to pick up a toy and came up rather quickly, hitting his head on the granite bar ledge. Any type of injury can derail him for hours. It did not yesterday. He recovered quickly and we were able to do many of his school assignments. YAY!

He did have anxiety about me leaving for spin class last night.

Before I left, I was able to “sooth” him with some iPad time. He ended up playing it the whole time I was gone. :-/ It’s good and bad because if he plays too long he can get over stimulated. That is what happened, but it did not manifest until his first virtual class this morning.

This will turn into a positive … wait for it.

He went for the iPad first thing this morning. I had to put a limit on it because he did not want to do anything else. He was upset for a little while, but he did go to his first class without any issues, at first. I was helping Joshua and Ariel with their assignments for a moment when I came back in to check on Daniel, he looked upset.

I could not tell if he was or not though.

I noticed him telling his teacher “I don’t want to.” I came over and asked him what was going on and he completely shut down. I looked at his teacher and the other boy in the class and everything seemed fine. I asked Daniel again, “What is wrong Boo?” He collapsed into my chest. He refused to speak and then, started to get frustrated with his headphones, toys, and anything else that was near. The teacher ended up turning off his webcam and mic. I tried to figure out what happened and he was like 60 pounds of loose sand in arms. I tried to carry him into the living room, but he pushed me away and was upset. I sat him on the couch with me trying to comfort him and find out what had happened.

He would not talk.

I told him, “Ok, Boo we will sit here and just be quiet for a while. I will stop talking too.” He did not like that for some reason – I still do not know why. He settled and we sat in silence for about ten minutes. Finally, I looked over and saw the eight ball sitting on the table. He has taken to asking it questions and finding the answers to be hilarious. I said, “Oh, I know Daniel I will ask the eight ball to tell me what happened.” He looked at me and slightly smiled, but acted non-responsive. I picked it up and asked, “Eight ball is Daniel mad at mommy?”

It gave some answer implying no.

I went down the list of all the things I could think of and he was smiling, but still not talking. I decided to ask it, “Eight ball will Daniel ever talk to me again?” I shook turned it around to see the answer and stayed quiet. I continued to look at it and then, at him for a few seconds. It was too long for him. He looked at me and could not keep quiet he said, “What did it say?” Awww! I got him. Hee hee After that he had me ask several more questions and then, he took it to ask it questions. It took a while to discover what had happened. There was some sort of loud sound during his class.

He said, “There was a loud sound that hurt my ears and I lost my words.”

Now these are some great things. He recovered well from that as well, went to his 1:00 pm virtual class, AND participated. He is doing fine now. I am glad I saw the eight ball because I was not sure how I was going to be able to help him. I do know that falling yesterday was a lot for him and he is processing that and feeling pain, which makes his sensory issues heighten. The additional stimulation with the iPad did not help, but he did do his schoolwork today. He is happily playing with scented markers at the moment.

He asked me for paper to draw! (That is big too.)

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02/7/13

Thankful Thursday

It’s still Thursday here. I had a rough adjustment period this morning. All of the chemicals in my brain needed to find their settled place after my meltdown yesterday. I am still recovering. I was very fragile this morning. I had a hiccup in conversation with a dear friend and I lost it again. I could not stop the tears. However, I discovered the root of the issue so that is good. I spoke about how Daniel will go to certain toys, or objects that feed into his fears and anxieties when he is already feeling that way.

I do too.

Mine? It is my family, which can trigger friend fears if I am too tired to counterattack the thoughts. I knew better than to go to my personal fb page this morning, but because I was still overwhelmed and getting slightly frustrated because the kids were not into school the first half of the morning, I went. I shared on there that I published my third poetry book. I was excited!

Only one member of my family even “liked” it.

This is a family member that I have not seen in years. I was appreciative of his “like.” (I told my aunt earlier that day, she did congratulate me. I do not want to leave that out.) Why do I still have expectations? I try not to, I really do. When I am not frazzled, I can handle this stuff, oh, well. Instead of dwelling on any of that, I will share my excitement here! I will also say the first thing this fine evening that I am thankful for, is that I accomplished my goals of publishing a book and then some; without anyone motivating me. (Look at my loooong sentence. Ha ha)

I have reached my goals thus far, and I am VERY thankful for the support I do get on my blogs.

I think that has been my biggest motivator. I am inspired by others and motivated when they share. It creates some positive energy and focus that leads me to push forward despite my fears and anxieties. Oh, I forgot here is my newest poetry book.

It cut off part of the poem in the chapter preview; I shared the whole poem on my poetry blog. Affinity (Into Infinity)

I am also thankful for those who reached out to me and gave me support after my post yesterday. It means so much. I am sure many of you will know what I mean when I share this, I feel incredibly alone right now. I am very tired and feeling depression sneaking up on me. I do not want to fall into that. I want to keep my head focused on the positives in my life, hence, the reason for this post. (I like the word hence it is fun to say.) I read this and thought others may benefit from it as well Depression Doing the Thinking .

This morning when I could not stop crying I was so frustrated with myself.

I did not want to cry, I wanted to stay focused and catch up on school. I was zapped of all my enthusiasm when Ariel and Joshua were reluctant to do their assignments. I was zapped. That is the best word. After having that confusion with my friend, I tried to stop myself, but I could not. I sat on the kitchen floor rocking and crying. Who came to see what was wrong with me? Daniel that’s who. He asked me why I was crying. He also said, “I am calm today. Are you sad? Why are you sad?”

This tugged at my heart.

I explained to Daniel that I do not cry when he is not calm. I thought of this as a gift. I was given the opportunity to let Daniel know that he was not at fault for any of my emotions. I used the opportunity to explain even more about how I get overloaded. I used specific challenges that he and I both share to help him understand. I then, explained to him what triggered me to cry was the situation with my friend. He partially understood. However, a few minutes later he came in with his favorite toy. It was his turtle sleep light; he had tears in his eyes and said, “My turtle light is not working.”

He started to get very upset.

Then, he would not believe that I could fix it. It only needed batteries, he knew this too, but I believe in a way he was trying to show me empathy. He went to the floor sadly, and I went with him. I asked him, “Daniel are you upset because I am upset?

He said, “No, I am upset at my turtle light.”

I sat with him and said, “I fixed your turtle light, see. He is working just fine. Are you upset because I am upset?” He looked up at the ceiling and said, “Yes, why are you upset.” I shared with him again that I had gotten confused about a situation with my friend and it made me sad. I could not go into the reasons and whatnot that was wrapped into everything. He would not have understood that. I told him I would stop being upset and we would have a great rest of the day.

It was in that moment, which I realized that I needed to stop.

I needed to accept that much of what I was feeling was due to my brain trying to seek balance after my meltdown yesterday. I chatted with my friend and felt better about that. The kids and I got back on track with school.

Daniel even READ for his teacher today in class!

I was so, so excited. He was filled with pride. His face beamed after he realized he read the paragraph for her. I decided the kids and I needed to get outside. It was beautiful out today so after our lessons we headed to the backyard for a bit of fun and swinging.

I know what I need to do help my depressive thoughts.

I got some great suggestions from people in regards to taking time for myself – I will try some things this weekend. The feelings of hopelessness I had flooding my brain this morning are gone. I am still a bit fragile, exhausted, and mentally drained, but after any meltdown, there has to be recovery time. Another great post about meltdowns that I read today Meltdowns…

I know for me, I always have depressive thoughts afterwards.

If I do not stay on top of it, my anxiety will well up into pools of nonstop loopage. I am staying on top of it. I am thankful that I had so many wonderful moments with my kids today. I am thankful that I understand more of how my mind works and what I can do to help myself. I am thankful that I have people in this community who support me and I can support them too. I am thankful for many things, I have a lot to be thankful for, and do not want to lose sight of that.

Thankfulness all around!

Pictures! Happy times.

[Show as slideshow]

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02/3/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” III

Side Note: I really like this meme, I think I am addicted.

What have I learned about myself? I do not fit the norm or the abnormal categories, I am a spectrum! I defy all gravity. (Not really.) I do not understand why everyone has to fit into some sort of social criteria. I had negative thoughts about myself because of my many loops. I wondered why others did not seem to have such an issue with “getting stuck” or “obsessing” over particular issues/situations. I thought I was alone. It made me socially anxious. I have learned more about my loops. I did have hard time understanding them for a while.

I always looked at my loops as a negative thing.

When I shared about my loops throughout my life people did not understand them. They found them to be ridiculous at times. They made me feel stupid because I could not stop them. I would become frustrated and depressed because my brain got stuck on scenarios, patterns, or even negative scripts that I had learned from others.

For instance, the women in my life have always been self –depreciating.

I have no doubt that this is from stigmas and unrealistic expectations that society places on women. (And men, but I am focusing on women right now.) I learned to be that way too even if I did not feel that way about myself. I felt as though I had to hide my intelligence and condemn the way I looked.

I looped and looped over my appearance in hopes to understand.

I wanted to understand why women spent so much time on their appearance. I wanted to know why so many men would act a certain way when women were around. I wanted to know why men and women felt the urge to tell me all of the things that I needed to fix.

I wanted to know why “everyone” found me so imperfect.

Had I been brought up in a different environment, this particular loop may not have stuck in my brain. Quite possibly, if I had been brought up in an environment that was geared more toward academic achievement I may not have gotten this loop. Though, I could have easily gotten another one based on the perfectionism of my intelligence.

I did not.

I used to have loops about feeling that my intelligence was inadequate. This one used to trip me up, but through looping I have finally accepted that this is not true. It was a faulty belief that I had to have degrees or credentials to be intelligent. I also believed that I was not allowed to share my knowledge about my interests unless I had some sort of academic credential.

It did not stop me, but I felt it and that contributed to my anxiety.

I do respect and value those who have worked hard to earn their degrees and credentials, but I do not have less value because I do not have the same academic achievements. I learn differently, I study and research like mad. I am a lifetime learner. I am open to learning and accept that I will never know everything.

To finally be able to say that makes all of my looping worth it.

Altough, I do admit that I get hit with moments of Imposter Syndrome. The impostor syndrome, sometimes called impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome, is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. ~ Wiki quiky

It used to be a constant now it only comes when I am in an anxiety state.

I have learned that I have many faulty beliefs that have been deeply hidden away as truths for decades. They are starting to surface more and more each day. Some days I can catch them right away and process them properly, other days not so much. I have managed to see many of my unhealthy patterns.

They are intertwined with stigmas and what I have believed about the social norm.

In relationships, I would lose so much of myself right away that I became dependent upon the person to some degree. This is for any type of relationship, not only romantic.

I believe this was learned from childhood.

It was also infused in some ways because of my first relationship that was abusive. Even if the relationships did not manipulate me in the same way, it did morph into dysfunction.

However, I am not the only one at fault.

I cannot create dysfunction all on my own. Both people are seeking something from a relationship – it feeds some sort of desires with both parties. Still when I would realize that, I was going down a similar path I would have to end it. I have been ashamed for being honest when it came to relationships. I have been made to feel guilty for saying things that were true. I could see no other option. When I see the reality of something I cannot stay quiet. It will eat away at me until I am physically ill and mentally hurting as well. I knew that the relationships would not work. I knew that I could no longer conform, pretend, mirror, and be the person that they thought I was – I could not do it.

What have I learned from those situations, I was probably very hurtful without realizing it.

This has triggered guilt, shame, and self-esteem issues. Partly because I am not sure if I did something mean or not. I have known for a long time that I take the blame for everything. I did not understand why. There are many reasons for it, but specifically I will say that I felt as though no matter what I did I seemed to hurt people. That made me anxious! I also, felt as though I was constantly being hurt by people. This is due to my social confusion, but my sensory issues play a role in this as well. If I have been bombarded by sensory input my ability to filter what I am reading or hearing can be greatly influenced.

I have learned to control this in positive ways over the course of the last two years.

I still have my days, when I am highly stressed or anxious, and I am a bit cranky. I am emotionally sensitive even though many times I do not understand my own emotions. I continued to believe that something was wrong with me because of this. It caused me to fear and be anxious with people because I never knew how they would respond to me, or how I would respond to them.

I thought this was a good read Identifying Your Thoughts And Your Feelings: Why It Matters.

“Emotionally sensitive people tend to see and experience the world primarily through their emotions. Some do so even though they cannot name their emotions or identify the reason for their feelings. And sometimes, because their emotions are their primary way of viewing life, they may see their thoughts as emotions when they are not.” ~ By KARYN HALL, PHD

Guess what?

I AM an emotionally sensitive person. I am a sensory sensitive person. I am a socially confused person. And it is OK! I have had failed relationships, friendships, marriages, family, and that is ok. I am learning. I understand some reasons why my relationships did not work out. I have learned after dissecting myself and applying the new knowledge that I am autistic as well as these other things, that our society makes virtually impossible for people to try to get to know themselves.

There are so many distractions and agendas.

I see that the constant opposing ideals that run rapid are confusing for people in general, but when you are someone like me, who had a confusing and damaging childhood, in addition to not understanding social situations, it becomes chaotic and scary. Many things perplexed me throughout my life. The damage from stigmas and what society claims to be normal, fed my anxieties causing them to wrap around my neurons and fuse so many distortions that I felt no other choice than to rely on others as my guide.

I continued to adhere to the faulty belief systems that others had as well.

They mixed and mingled into my core making me confused, anxious, and caused me to hide away more and more of myself each year of my life. I realized a year ago, just how much I have learned to hide my stimming behaviors. The more I allowed myself freedom in this area the calmer and more in control I have become over my outbursts or shutdowns. I have really stepped back and thought about what has scared me so much about being social.

It is nothing more than the unpredictability of social rejection.

I have been afraid because I have not understood why people rejected me. I could not figure out why people would accept one person and not another. I have not been able to make sense of why people will condemn one group, but condone another. I have lived on a earth covered in egg shells because I could not figure out right and wrong.

Just tell me what to do and how to behave!

Well, that works for about a minute because they change their minds. Some people find it ok while others do not. I did try to behave in all the ways that everyone told me, showed me, or how I perceived what I should do filtered through my confused social understandings. It is tiresome and impossible. I have learned that it does not matter if I am socially acceptable because someone will not accept me. Anyone at any given time will become angry at me or enjoy me.

There is nothing I can do other than, be myself.

I am at a place where this all makes sense. I am incapable of being a people pleaser, sooner or later I get fed up. I am incapable of being a hard-core BEEP! Because that is not who I am, I enjoy people. I care for people. I try to embrace differences of views and try not to be judgmental within reason, some things require a healthy dose of judgment. Not condemnation, big difference. In writing out these posts, I have learned that I should not feel guilty for things beyond my control. I have no reason to be so afraid of people. Many of us share in our fears and desires to belong, be connected, and have relationships.

Speaking of relationships, again, Relationships.

“The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness. The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.”

I thought I had a lot to learn about relationships.

In reality, I had a lot to learn about myself. I am learning. I will continue to learn. I want to own my identity without shame or constantly being knocked down because of past mistakes. I have held on tight to the belief that if I failed at relationships then, I was failing as a person. As I wrote that out I realized how unrealistic that statement is. As I grow, and understand myself I realize that I have been trying to fit myself into the unrealistic views for relationships. This has made me feel inadequate in them. For me, I need to redefine what relationships mean to me. I need to stop relying on others to define what I want in my relationships. I need to stop allowing past hurts determine who I will interact with. I need to be open, but have healthy boundaries.

I do not want society’s faulty beliefs.

I do not want constantly changing social rules to determine what I need to do in my life. If I want to redefine ALL of my relationships to accept myself, I need the freedom to do so. I am saying that to myself mostly. Not in a selfish way in a healthy way. It is healthy to take care of your mental well being. I have that freedom right now – I am using it wisely. I wrote a short story based on actual events that happened with my mom and I last summer. I have been thinking of how I was as a little girl before society and social norms got a hold of me. I was much more confident. Yes, I did tell her We Don’t Need No Menz. I am going to tap into my young self and see what else she has to share.

Here are some things that I found helpful.

This first video has some great things to ponder. I am very open with David, it has been hard for him in many ways, but it has been equally difficult for me. I have spent years trying to be and act as a wife should, it nearly cost me my whole identity. Just to throw this out there, I have also learned that my lack of intimacy does not mean that there is something wrong with me. It means that I require very specific connections in order to be intimate. I also express intimacy differently than the societal norm. I am incredibly intimate through my poetry. I connect to my loves through writing. I share healthy intimate connections with my children. I am not broken, only different.

I share that because I think others know what I am talking about and may need to know that they are not alone.

I think many people find intimacy through their artistry, but that would not be considered the “norm.” I think there is something to ponder about intimacy with ourselves. I find when I write it creates a real place of connection and intimate expression for me. It is beautiful. If I had not started to write openly and honestly again, I would never have connected to that place inside of me. It has taken a couple of years. Now that I have allowed myself to share many of my intimate thoughts creatively, I am sure I will continue to grow in a realistic view of intimacy. I dislike the fact that society has taken the word intimacy and corrupted it down to have such a simplistic meaning.

I got side tracked here are the resources. Thank you if you made it this far!

Helen Fisher: Why we love, why we cheat (TED Talk)

Helen Fisher: The brain in love (TED Talk)

What is Your Attachment Style?

Social Norms

The End.

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

Tag Archives: empathy

Striving For My Healing

The Magic 8 Ball Saves The Day!

May 2013
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