04/20/12

Tired Ramblings

I feel so fatigued and I am not sure why other than my restless sleep from last week. My body is still trying to catch up. My mind is fatigued too from all of the mental energy I have been using with socializing, trying to keep all of us focused with school, and my house that is a mess, and causing much stress! So today, I am rambling about whatever pops into my head. Like how I really, REALLY like…no love Udi’s Gluten Free Bagels. OMG! Those things are awesome! I haven’t been able to find some tasty gluten-free items like that around here. Until, the last few weeks. We had a nice and lovely Publix open right across the street. (Kind of across the street, ok a major highway that is practically across the street.) It is the most wonderfulest store in the entire world! (I have few to chose from here.) I am not saying that just because both of my sisters work at Publix, and my one sister happens to work at that very one with all of the lovely gluten-free items.

We have not had a store around here with many gluten-free items.

The items that are around here have been ridiculously priced. We have been limited to Amazon bulk buying, and limited items on there as well. I was making many of our items like bread, and pastas, but it started being more expensive so I went for the packaged noodles and bread. I really like many of the products, the kids do not mind so much, but David is not a fan of the gluten-freeness going on around here. He has his gluten-filled stash upstairs — some are down in the pantry. It helps to have it hidden otherwise the questions, my goodness the questions! They do not stop about gluten-free/gluten. What has gluten? Does this have gluten? What is gluten? Why can’t I have gluten? What happens when I have gluten? Why, why, why? Daniel absolutely cannot have gluten, for some reason it shuts down his communication and he goes into what looks like seizures. He does that with milk also.

Ariel and Joshua do not have that problem, I do have to limit their intake.

They go through emotional roller coasters when they have too many gluten-filled products. They also get very lethargic, and drained, sometimes with bellyaches. They are fine with milk. I cannot have gluten (much) or milk. I do not lose my ability to speak, but I do get very sick, moody, tired, and many body aches. Why am I talking about this? Because I was thinking about us moving and I am so excited that there are several restaurants where we are going that have gluten-free menus! Biaggi’s has gluten-free pizza! Pizza! AND Pasta! My eyes are rolling all around in food fantasy. I have not been able to have pizza other than my homemade pizza. It turns out pretty good, (after practicing) but to be able to go and eat pizza from Biaggi’s Yippie!!

AND Cheeseburger in Paradise has gluten-free buns!

Oh, I love those burgers! I am hungry and don’t want to cook tonight, can you tell? I do not normally give such attention to food. One restaurant here just started serving gluten-free buns and pizza, but their food is so-so. Plus I got offended at them for offering 10% or 15% off (I can’t remember) for people who bring in a church bulletin on Sunday. I looked at the sign and asked “What if I am an Atheist?” No one else seems to understand my issue with the injustice, but I am boycotting them on those grounds. I don’t think it’s right for me to get a discount if I go to church, or if someone doesn’t even go to church and they just get a bulletin! I just find so many things wrong with the whole thing. Lol!

All right enough of that.

I have no great insights today. I am very silly, and feel like playing. I have decided that I need a live-in house helper to help me stay organized because no one here is able to help me. I need planograms and I need everyone to follow them. I just cannot keep up by myself. I get overwhelmed and unraveled with the mess that is starting to creep into my clean cubby area of solitude. My computer is the only one faithful at staying organized, and the iPad. Speaking of iPad, yeah I am not getting one (yet). I’ve been debating on an iPod or iPhone. It looks like I will be getting an iPhone since I will be out wandering all over the town and such when we move. People apparently want to get a hold of me and want to hear my voice. Blah! I am sure that it will turn into my new best friend and I will love it dearly, and will get angry at it with its tiny little touch pad driving me nutty and spelling things all wrong! I need a nice sturdy case so when I get angry I can throw it without any worries. I used to be a phone thrower during fits of rage. I broke many of my phones. Poor phones.

I have been working on different types of poems.

I have several Haikus and Cheritas that I have written. That has been fun — I am not ready to share yet. I usually just go all free style because I am so fancy free you know. Hee hee Maybe that is making me tired too — trying to use a formula for creativity can make me drained. I have enjoyed pushing myself though. We have been learning all about poetry with school this week. They have not felt like writing too many, but we have been talking about the different types, and playing around with rhyming and songs. I think I have rambled long enough. I cannot remember the main reason for me writing this post. I had something to share I thought, but I got sidetracked with all of the gluten-free talk. I will leave with the video I took of the kids this morning. My silly birds! The boys will not let me cut their hair. It made me laugh flopping all about.

My Babies Being Birds

Oh, and this. Fun!

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04/18/12

You Down With EFD? (Executive Functioning Disorder)

Yeah, you know me… Ok, maybe a lame joke, song reference here. (Old school like “You down with O.P.P” Don’t ask me what it means — I don’t even know. Ha! I like dancing to it.) I love it when I am going through something and all kinds of resources, or other people share and it connects altogether. Last week my friend Lisa discovered resources (one of her other blogs) about Executive Function Disorder. If you would like a quickie visual before reading on I suggest this video (3:10) ADHD and Executive Function. I had been on a trail with seeking information about it, and I understood it to some degree. I had not applied it to a specific situation for myself until I started analyzing my behavior with my new social encounter recently. Let me say first, after my social outings with our neighbors I have not had any anxiety, or social/conversation looping with them. That is huge! I enjoyed myself, and genuinely like them. Bonus! Now comes the part for me to understand the degrees of friendship.

As I read this article Executive functioning and the troubled brain this paragraph popped out.

“Executive functioning, put most simply, is the ability to plan and complete a task. It is a higher cognitive process that involves communication and organization across multiple brain sites and pathways; it is the interconnecting virtual pathway that brings all aspects of brain functioning together. Executive functioning is involved in planning complex cognitive behaviors and expressing one’s personality. It allows individuals to differentiate among conflicting thoughts and filter out unimportant information; it also helps the individual anticipate future consequences of current activities and work toward a defined goal. And, most important from the judge’s perspective, executive functioning inhibits impulses that could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes.”

When I read this, I realized how much my brain is trying to process.

However, it gets all jumbled and unable to do any of it. This most assuredly happens with unexpected or non-scripted events. My brain does not know what to filter. It cannot determine what the most important thing is and categorize. Everything is important! All of the input matters, especially anything that is odd, or indeterminable. My brain does not know how to let those things go. It is not sure how to filter my surroundings, and/or people. The whole dynamic can trigger anxiety, which causes the executive function to be even more blurred. Then it can rise into faultfinding (normally blaming myself) or protection mode to try to stop the anxiety. In some cases, depending on other factors, I am able to pull out of this and get through the event. It does not stop the brain processing the event. It only delays it until my brain has enough time to catch up. From the 5 Executive Functions described in the video above I will try to explain what is happening in my brain.

I think others may be able to relate.

Inhibit Your Behavior: Simply stated “hold in check, or discourage from spontaneous activity.”
Visual Imagery: Non-verbal working memory. Mental maps to help guide/direct behavior. Hindsight, Foresight, Sense of time.
Talk to Yourself: Verbal working memory that helps with goal setting/problem solving.
Control Our Emotions: The ability to control/moderate strong emotions.
Plan and Problem Solve: “Mental play- the ability to manipulate information in the mind to discover novel combinations that might serve to overcome obstacles.”

All of these things are going on in the mind of any person that we are interacting with. In short-term these actions are taking place in a matter of seconds for a mind that is not hindered by multiple factors. I am only using myself as an example let me share what my brain is also processing while it is trying to use its executive functions:

Anxiety
Sensory input/overload
Social confusion
Word confusion
Tone confusion
Non-verbal confusion
Environment confusion/unfamiliar surroundings
Unknown/unwanted people in safe environments
Lack of positive scripts
Inability to forget negative experiences
Distorted self-talk consuming my mind with trying not to be/do anything wrong
Looking/waiting for an attack (On guard)

These all can contribute to multiple forms of anxieties.

Those came to my mind while going back in time replaying my first conversation with my neighbor. (I am sure there are more.) I was able to suppress all of these things to function at a “normal” level. I have learned to hide most of this, unless I have already had too much stress/anxiety/confusion going on. If I am already stretched thin I can seem very quirky/odd/and speak out of intense emotions. My neurons feel like they are a bunch of bumper cars, hitting the walls of my brain and each other, causing the inability to think, problem solve, or discern very well “on the fly.” What I have learned to do is shutdown.

Stop talking, wait, and observe.

If I am with people where I feel the need to manage their emotions or behaviors it becomes impossible for me to even have my brain focused on myself. If I am with others who are not calm, or cause me high-stress in social situations I have to focus on other people, things, distractions anything that will help me not have a meltdown or explode with emotions. (good or bad) This explains many of my shutdowns in social settings, I have to in order to survive. Hello, conversation loops explained! There are not only conversation loops, but it is a movie that is playing over and over again. Apply full on sensory to the movie, reliving the encounter. This can be for a good experience or a bad experience. My past pattern has been to mostly loop on the negative because I was trying to trace what I did wrong, or try to figure out what a person meant (confusion). Those loops would be all-consuming and take away from positive loops causing me to forget good experiences that I have had.

I need positive scripts to be repeated.

I have plenty — I am talking plenty of negatives scripts that have caused it to be very difficult to trust the good ones. My brain does not allow me to stop what I am doing to let my other functions to guide me into goal directed problem solving. I think this is why I have to write everything down, keep lists, blog! For instance, my neighbor suggesting we do something, but not giving a clear direct day or time was an impossible task for me. I was only able to come up with a day last week because I had been pondering it for about a week already. I had been scripting it for a while, and semi planning for it. If I had been surprised by it I would have gone blank and felt confused, not able to respond…again.

My visuals get jumbled when I do not have a script.

My brain does not seem to have mental maps guiding me into the next direction for social situations. I have mental images, and I seem to get distracted by all of the images filling my mind while a person is talking. My energy goes into trying to discover similarities so I can have some sort of guide to have a conversation. I need connections and similarities because those are my (positive) scripts. I am not sure what to do next in a situation most of the time. I am usually looking to the other person as a guide and I use them to tell me what to do. I mirror unless I feel completely comfortable and safe. The threats of verbal attacks are always lingering. I am constantly waiting to be told that my words/actions were wrong/hurtful/mean/ or rude. It is not the only thing that I am thinking about, but it has been a large part of my self-talk. Although, I have come a long way at stopping this self-talk, it still lingers with each new encounter.

My hindsight can come years later.

My foresight is limited and my sense of time is virtually nonexistent. I need concrete time frames otherwise — I can be filled with anxiety, leading into fears because of anticipation and the unknown. It feeds right into my lack of self-awareness. Some of these fears have been enhanced because of my inability to know myself. The only guides that I had were jaded words, actions, and my own misinterpretations to tell me who I was. I have the ability to self-reflect. I do it throughout this blog. However, I am not attached. I go over it and over it again because I forget who I am! Not entirely, I am getting better with each cycle that I am going through. There are so many things to filter through when I self-reflect that it can take a long time to process. My emotions can take years, in certain situations. Many things play into that as well, detachment would be one that has caused the most hindrance in emotional processing. I have had to detach because emotions have been too confusing, too painful, too overwhelming, too disturbing, and too whatever else you want to add here.

It is hard enough to be consumed by other people’s emotions.

To “feel” people is overwhelming and draining, to try to add feeling, and understanding to my own emotions was devastating at times. I have been working through this, and I am happy with all of my progress. I have faced many of my fears, I still have more, but I am sharing them and working through them. The ginormous awesome difference this time around is that I am gaining so many positive scripts that they are starting to drown out the negative scripts that have been ingrained in my head for all of these years. They started as a child and continued to pile on top each other year after year. It did not help that I was manipulated, and controlled by others, and could be extremely gullible at times.

I gave my trust to people who abused it.

I still had walls and did not give away all of my trust to people, but it was enough to instill fear of being hurt again. As I have been pondering all of this, it occurred to me that Executive Functioning Disorder could tie into lack of self-awareness. Having a faulty system distorts the ability to problem solve and set goals. Many times, it is hard to even reflect inward and seek out self-awareness, how do you even start problem solving things like self-discovery? (Wiki reference self-awareness page) “Moreover, a series of recent studies showed that self-awareness about cognitive processes participates in general intelligence on a par with processing efficiency functions, such as working memory, processing speed, and reasoning.^[12]” I found a basic list of self-awareness (excerpt below) here:

Why is self-awareness important?

Self-awareness is important because when we have a better understanding of ourselves, we are empowered to make changes and to build on our areas of strength as well as identify areas where we would like to make improvements. Self-awareness is often a first step to goal setting.

Examples of self-awareness:

Preferred learning styles
Aptitude for specific career fields
Natural academic ability (athletics, mathematics, English, etc.)
Personality traits (introvert, extrovert, sensitive, judgmental, etc.)
Religious beliefs
Political viewpoints
Values (ethical, with integrity, scrupulous, etc.)

All of these examples in my life have been blurred.

I received no direction, or my natural abilities were not encouraged. If my parents did not understand them, they did not exist. I was left on my own to try to discover my own religious beliefs — I was guided by none or condemned by the other. I wasn’t able to discover on my own perspective or views, I became mixed and stayed away from certain things and obsessive about others. I later adopted the views of those around me because I did not know how to process on my own to find my thoughts. Whenever I stepped out to try I was corrected, ridiculed, or rejected. My natural abilities were misunderstood because I did not do things the way others did, and they were not encouraged. I had only one person in my life who spoke words of encouragement to me about my writing until recent years. It was my sophomore literature teacher, unfortunately, her words were taken from me and distorted by all of the other people who dismissed, or ignored my writings when I tried to share.

I still struggle with writing as being part of my identity.

I understand that I am a writer because I live, breathe, dream, ponder words and write them out, but I have creeping negative thoughts about my abilities at times. I do not let them stop me – I face them head on and tell them it does not matter. Every new sentence is a step at getting better, even if I make grammatical errors. Life is about practice, not perfection. (Easy for me to say in the moment. ) This brings me to one issue that can cause my social confusion, and executive functions to go all awry when I encounter people I do not know how to keep my identity. I do not know how to stay me while interacting with others. I have gotten better with this, but what I have discovered is if we have things in common, my mind can drift into thinking we are the same. I do not hold my own identity because I have a tendency to think, “I am wrong” I can begin to adopt things about the other person without realizing it. I read this today as well “People with autism ‘have problem with self-awareness” and this popped out.

“Navigating social interactions with others requires keeping track of the relationship between oneself and others.”

I didn’t learn how to keep track of my identity I learned how to act. I have only become aware of my own identity in the last year. This is helping me to be more comfortable at being myself with others, still I have the jumbled words bashing with each other in my head. (Unless I feel safe.) I understand that everyone is doing some form of acting when in social dynamics. I am learning this stuff do not get me wrong. I have come a long way in my self-discovery, but I struggle with it. I think there are many components that Executive Function Disorder can play a role in with the issue of self-discovery. I am still pondering all of that. The Autism Discussion Page has helped me in so many ways and continues to do so. I gained so much from reading about Executive Functioning Skills. Also, The social and emotional growth through the 30’s and 40’s really helped me.

I was able to come to terms with my feelings about going through my teenage years at the age of 39!

I struggle with that so much because I am expected to understand certain things that I just don’t if it is not explained properly. The frustrations of others can make me feel so foolish for not understanding. I know that it shouldn’t, but it does. I will stop there and work on my meltdown post it will be addressing some cognitive issues. I think it is important to note that this list provided about Compensating for Cognitive Deficits can give great clarity to some of the reasons for shutdowns/meltdowns. The more I read the more I am understanding/accepting myself and feeling such relief that I can help guide and direct my children. Such a time as this to live in the days of information! Woot!

I linked to the full Google documents for EFS on the image below.

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04/16/12

Play Date…It Was Great!

Last week, no wait let me start from the beginning and try to tie it altogether. Several months ago, we had new neighbors move in next door. We are in a heavy house rental area, we rent, I want to always rent! I do not want to own a house for as long as possible! Houses are too committal I am not ready for that type of relationship bond. I believe I could only commit to a long-term relationship with a house that is the equivalent to an iPad. Oh! Imagine what that would look like. The possibilities…sorry I dosed into another world. It would take one magnificent house to tie me down that is for sure. Distracted much? The neighbors, yes they moved in. I peeked out the window, watched, studied, and HID! I freak out when new people move in. I never know how they are going to be, and I normally do not like talking to neighbors.

That is too committal too.

After they had moved in, and had been there a little while the lady came over and introduced herself. She suggested we get together. Well of course, I was already panicking because she had crossed over to our yard, so then the thought of meeting again was freaking me out. However, she seemed very nice, and I liked her vibe right away. Still I am always apprehensive with new people, especially those who live so close to me. It reminds me of the other neighbor next door. The first week we lived here I went out to the mailbox and there he was going to his mailbox in black satin boxers baring big red lips with the words “Kiss Me” (I am 98.6% sure they were the accurate words.) plastered on them AND no shirt! Oh, I forgot he did have black ankle socks to go with the attire, as he waved and said “Good morning” in a grumpy fashion. Believe me my imagination would never had made that scene up, those neighbors have proven to be not so pleasant on several occasions. They do not rent — we are stuck with them.

Focus Angel!

The nice neighbor lady (Most assuredly she is younger than me, but I use off words to describe people.) introduced herself, discovered that I home school, and wanted to get together sometime to talk about homeschooling. They have a four year old who is in preschool currently, and she is having a baby at the end of May I believe. (The mom, just clarifying.) She came over one day and knocked on the door. I am a freak about answering the door. I do not do it, and I do not care if the people on the other side hear me “Shh-ing” the kids or not. I hide behind the broken blinds (Thanks Mr. Nathaniel Cat), while the kids poke their heads right at the strangers. I don’t understand why they haven’t learned to hide properly. I had to answer the door when I saw her, it isn’t that I do not want to talk to her I get thrown off and don’t know what to say. (I will try to shorten this story.) She came over to suggest us getting together again. I was confused with the open-ended invitation and did not know how to respond so I did not.

A few weeks go by — I see her outside and apologize for not getting back to her.

Oh, wait there was another time that she came, but I was sick, and having serious neck/shoulder pain so I could not go to the door. David did and talked to her for a little while, she gave him a paper with her name and number on it for me to call. At first, I thought she gave me an email, which I thought no problem I will contact her that way. Nope, it was a phone number. I could not call. It was too open ended. I didn’t want to call when she was busy, I didn’t want to disturb her, I don’t know her plans, when is the best time to call, how do I know she really wants to talk to me? (A good indicator for the last question is that she continued to try to talk to me.) I did not call or show up at her house because I did not know the right time, or I could not work up the courage to walk over there. I was constantly flooded with questions. Even though she told me several times that she is home all day, she gets her little girl at 1:00 pm and is home after that.

I just could not come to terms with a time.

Finally, last week she came by again. (Yea! For her because I would have given up by now.) I was all flustered because the morning had been a mess, and I had just gotten all of the kids settled into school about an hour prior. I looked a fright, and all buggy-eyed from anxiety of trying to gather thoughts to talk on the fly. She asked to get together and I could not think, I tried to stop my brain from running in circles and noticed that she really did want to do something. I combed over the days and said: “Wednesday, how about Wednesday we go to the park?” Perfect, we set a date and a time. And began my social anxiety frenzy. (Part of the contributor to my meltdown the day before.) The kids did too. We were excited, and nervous. Remember I have had pretty much nothing, but negative experiences around here with other mothers. I did not have any good scripts — there are also the very fundamental views that play a major role in this area. I am too liberal for these parts. No offense, just the fact. (I am open to them; they are not open to me.)

She came knocking a little early.

It worked out, and we went to the park. It was fabulous! I had the best time. She was very open — I felt comfortable enough to share my views about homeschooling, and curriculum. I like to use “secular” home school materials mixed, with the Sonlight curriculum, STEM, Art & Music apprehension, unschooling type of methods, and multi-sensory as well. I am all over the place and I have encountered many people who believe it should only be one way. Each person has to find their own way to home school if they decide to do so, I respect their decisions — I wish those types of people would respect mine. I was also comfortable enough to share some about my religious views. Her daughter is wonderful, and a great playmate for the kids. Ariel had a blast being with another girl. She is younger, but I think that works well for Ariel. Joshua and Daniel like her very much too. Daniel did go off on his own and watched other kids on the playground. He was in observation mode most of the time.

He talked out loud about what kids were doing.

He did not talk to them, I asked him if he wanted to and he said: “No”. He was happy watching them, he was really happy. I can relate I think it’s the “people groupie” thing. We do not have to be involved or directly interactive to enjoy people. Make sense? We stayed at the park for a while. When we came home, all of us were super excited, and over-stimulated. We were all happy too. We plan to do it again, but I believe it was on Friday that they came knocking later in the afternoon. The kids and I had been snuggling in bed reading because for some reason I started to not feel well. The knock came and I was dreading who it was. When I opened the door and saw her I was feeling like I did not want to socialize, but then I thought about how much the kids needed it. The reality is, I need it too. The kids ran around our yards playing and having such a wonderful time. I sat with her and her husband and we talked and talked. I started feel much better instantly.

Come to find out we have a lot in common.

They are so pleasant, down to earth and have a great “take me or leave me” type of attitude. They had lived in CA for quite a while, even though they are not from there. I have found that many people from CA are very open and much more tolerant of differences. They had just moved from Washington though, which is another area that seems to be quite open. She went to school for her masters and is a teacher. (Not currently working) My first fears with our encounter were telling her about Daniel and autism. I cringe at the thought of telling people because I never know how they will respond. Again, I have many negative encounters that tend to drown out the few positive ones from around here (and family). She taught in a school with what sounds like an excellent program for special needs children.

She did not flinch when I told her that Daniel was autistic.

She and her husband both treated him so kindly and with his quirky behaviors, they had no problems. They let him touch them, get in their face, smile, and study them with no problems. They tried to engage with him, and he did several times. At one point, he came up to the three of us and said: “I like them” It was awesome. He has since shared with me that he thinks the “Mom and the girl are pretty.” He continued to pet the little girl’s hair, and it didn’t bother her at all. She doesn’t seem to notice anything different about Daniel. (Daniel does love the ladies.) He is very interested in the baby in the Mom’s belly too. I shared with her my home school blog, if she meanders over here I will feel a bit exposed, but it has been such a positive experience that I had to write it. I was filled with joy watching Ariel and Joshua enjoy themselves so much. They were so happy. I want that for them, I want them to have friends and be able to socialize. I wish it had happened sooner in this town, oh well.

Now our goal is to clean the house so we can invite them over to play.

The kids REALLY want the little girl to come over and play. Every time I have new (or uncertain) social interactions, I start to get anxiety. I get frustrated with myself, which adds to the stress. I want to be social, but then my anxiety kicks in and it causes me to feel like something is wrong with me. Thoughts pop in my head like “Why can’t I just have a conversation without freaking out, or getting too enthusiastic?” At one point she mentioned the Fibonacci number and I practicality jumped out of my seat, I may have clapped, I know I got overly excited and shared how I love the Fibonacci sequence. Then, I said: “If I begin to bore you, you have to tell me because I may go on and on.” I did control myself pretty well, but I was SO excited to hear someone mention it before me! Ariel found a snail shell that made her think of it. Yes!

It has been a very positive and I am looking forward to our next play date.

I have a second half connecting to this post talking about Executive Function Disorder and how it plays into my social confusion/anxiety. I needed a specific situation to apply it to. I am also rounding that straight into my massive meltdown, and all of the things that contributed to it being triggered. I forget how all of these different components play into why I behave, or respond a certain way. Others do not have a clue — they only believe that I am responding out of immaturity or emotions. There is so much that goes into it, especially when someone else is responding out of their projected emotions.

I need clarity, I need direct communication.

Generalizations cause me to be thrown into a black-and-white thinking of dizziness when I am not specifically told it is a generalization. Mainly if it is a topic of emotion I have a problem, other things I have a better ability to discern what is a generalization. I have learned to reason through those — I have not learned to reason through emotions. I understand that others can get frustrated, or exhausted because of this, but I can’t change it. This is what happens with my kids, and it is another reason why I have been apprehensive with play dates. I talk very direct and literal with my kids. People have given me looks, or tried to cushion my words to my kids. They don’t get that. They get clear, direct, and literal. I was so happy to be able to talk to my children, be myself, and talk to another adult without all of these judgments and fears soaring through my mind.

That is what I call a great play date, all of us being ourselves! (Well as much as you can meeting new people. )

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04/10/12

Speaking Of Self-Awareness…

According to the wiki page, (I am not going to search very hard today because I do not have the time.) Self-Awareness is defined:

“Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to reconcile oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. Self-awareness, though similar to sentience in concept, includes the experience of the self, and has been argued as implicit to the hard problem of consciousness.”

Before this last summer, I had lost virtually any self-awareness I had. I know that I had a small amount of understanding, but I was unable to detach who I was from the people in my life or my environment. They were my mirrors — they reflected and scripted for me how to act, how to respond, whom to be friends with, how I should live my life. I absorbed them trying to discover who I was. Social confusion, a faulty executive system, and no authority throughout my childhood able to guide me left me to wander around observing social dynamics in my circle of relationships. I had several women who were obsessed with weight, looks, approval seekers, and constantly hiding their intelligence surrounding me. I found my mother so confusing in this area because she would be freaked out about whether she was attractive or not one day and the next she didn’t care at all. I can pinpoint some of these events now to social confusion and anxiety.

She would only think about her outward appearance if someone mentioned it.

Same here, I normally do not think about whether I am attractive or not, unless someone makes me feel a certain way. I have additional issues because of my birthmark. (Those of you who do not know about my birthmark can read this post if you like.) Both my mother and I were ridiculed in school about the way we looked. My mom had additional abuse at home (though she will not call it that) she was abused physically, and emotionally. She was called names and made fun of by her father. From an early age for some reason, I did not put up with grandfathers hooey, I got in trouble a lot, but I was too fast and I was a good hider. He made fun of my name often, when my mom told him my name in the hospital the day after I arrived he said, “What did you name that kid? Angel-leaky? What kind of name is that?” However, with all of the ugliness there were great qualities about him too. I speak of him because unfortunately he helped pave the way to my mother’s dysfunctional view of herself — stripping her of self-awareness and self-acceptance along with his family and my grandmother’s lack of attention. My grandfather was abused as well, and since his behavior was not as horrible as what he had been raised with he did not see himself as an abuser.

It can trickle down, generation after generation.

My mom loved fashion, and being made up, she was a model for some time and loved it. No thanks! She learned how to dress and keep herself up through modeling classes. Later as I was a child, she started aiming for more managerial roles in her company. An assistant store manager who was a very confident woman took my mom under her wing, and taught her what she needed to do to work in a “man’s world”. She also had a great kind man who was her store manager who helped her. He and his family were very good to us and thanks to him; my mom was able to pave the way to her career. My mom still did not have self-awareness in an embodying sense — she now took on the identity of her workplace. That became her for over 23 years when she left she had a nervous breakdown, alone and shared with no one what she was going through. She is still seeking to discover who she is. I rejected what she was — I knew that it was not my mother.

I resented the fact that she constantly tried to make me into that mold.

Especially when I started working at the same company, for a season I became just like my mother. The day I realized what I had become I decided to quit and changed the course of my life. (It was not the only deciding factor, but I have written about that elsewhere.) I wish I would not have done it in such haste — I seem to do so many things in haste. It does not go with my character though, I am very systematic, I like to plan, and think before I do anything. There are certain instances for some reason I lose that part of me and go off in what seems like a whim. Only later left staring at the mess that I have made, and I have to pick up the pieces. I believe had I been instilled with some understanding of self-awareness many of my decisions would not have been so destructive. Many times, I was doing it because I was searching for me. What was I about? What did I like? What kind of people did I want to hang out with? My interests did not seem to mesh with most people so I felt as if I could not connect to people.

It did not occur to me to seek out like-minded people.

I managed to fall into situations with people, and then thought “Well we must be friends, or in a relationship.” It seems to “just happen”. I cannot explain it very well. If only I would have known that I was good with numbers, that I am an excellent researcher. I can dance, I have the ability to write, and I have a knack for picking trends music or otherwise. I can understand and teach science, I do not have to pretend that I am not smart, and I am fully capable of being self-sufficient in all areas….had I known! I did not. I knew nothing of this about myself. I wish I could explain it better, it sounds kind of strange to say these things. I have been so disconnected from myself — I knew these things about me. I did not know that I was allowed to do them. Even though I was the closet to me, I somehow took on the rule that someone needed to tell me that it was ok for me to do it. My reliance on others to tell me who I was distorted even more of my self-awareness. Most children do look to their parents to help them discern who they are. This is a normal part of development — they mimic and try on their parents for size until they start to discover themselves. I did not learn the “capacity for introspection and the ability to reconcile oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.” Since I could not see myself I could not reconcile self without others informing me. Does that make sense?

My parents never knew who they were.

Their parents had some great qualities, but they also did not equip them to discover how to be the person that is inside of them. Both of my parents were severely abused, and I am not sure how that plays into all of this. They were not allowed to be themselves, which is multiple posts that I am not going into…at least not yet, maybe next year. They did not place many aspirations on me. Their aspirations however, did frequently involve appearance and morality. When I failed to discover myself on my own, I took to religion to tell me who I was. I had been using boyfriends as my guide without realizing it — I mixed my identity with work, friends, and boyfriends. I did not know how to pull from within and continue in that self-strength. I never trusted it because everyone in my life had told me that I was wrong in some form. Now there is a mix of my own distorted perceptions and actual events when people continued to tell me what was wrong with me. It really doesn’t matter the fact is it caused me to question myself, feel rejected, reject myself, and adopt whoever I thought knew what the heck they were talking about.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

This is one reason why it is so important to teach children how to have self-awareness, and it is never too late! (It seems that I am clashing self-awareness and self-identity together — to me they feel the same. This post is a processing post anyway.) Some folks may consider me going through a mid-life crisis, or being pre-menopausal. It is possible, but the funny thing is as I have been combing over my thoughts and where my thinking is at right now, I am entering my teenage phase of true rebellion! Lol! I am stripping off all of the ideals of the generation that raised me, and I am determining my own thoughts, beliefs, and self based on how I define it. I have read that this type of development normally starts from teens onto the end of people’s twenties at times. I am being kind of cheeky here, but it does seem spot on. A few months ago, I made list of goals that I wanted to achieve this year, my number one goal “To become self-sufficient in all areas.” I want my own identity, I want to be able to trust and rely on myself. (Not in a narcissistic way, we all need people.) I want my own income again. I hate being so dependent financially. I have always had this fire inside of me to be independent, but everyone told me how incapable and dependent I was.

I didn’t realize that many of those people were projecting their own self-talk onto me.

I didn’t know that I could reject those words, and trust what I felt about myself. It is so strange how I was raised to be so dependent in one sense, yet so independent in another. I have been thinking about this stuff for a while, I would like to go into greater detail. I am not sure that I will, but this morning I was triggered to get this out because I read this article by Ashley Judd Slaps Media in the Face for Speculation Over Her ‘Puffy’ Appearance. While at first when I read it I was trying to weed through whether it was her insecurities speaking, or if it was a good article. It turns out that I found many, many excellent things in what she wrote. She is tackling our perceptions of women in society, as a woman this is very close to me. As an autistic woman, I have additional factors that play into this. My lack of self-awareness and confidence in my own “gut feelings” has led me into the hands of predators that have used and hurt me.

I speak of male and females alike.

I not only have had the confusion of men reading me the wrong way, which quite frankly if my heart is set on someone they will know exactly how I feel. I normally do not stay quiet about my feelings toward people I care deeply for. I have never played games, in romantic relationships or any other relationships. However, I normally stay quiet until I know how they feel — I never like to show affections for people first EVER! My interactions with women and the “appearance” issue have been just as confusing as it has been with men. People can read wrong signals — they are their own perceived signals, whether through desires or insecurities. I don’t understand that. If you like me tell me, if you don’t tell me it saves everyone from grief. Had some of those girls asked me if I was flirting with their boyfriends, I would have told them directly…I did not want their man. (Believe me!) Instead of asking, they would attack my appearance, or me. With this type of banter that other women have done, or how men have treated me it makes me aware of my looks. At times, it made me feel inadequate in my appearance. I do not like people to see me because I have been attacked either way.

My self-esteem was damaged because of others lack of self-esteem.

It makes me filled with questions. Why does it matter what I look like? Who am I to you? Why do you feel the need to point out what you deem as flaws, or give backhanded compliments to confuse me? I now have questions for myself as well. Why didn’t I tell that jerk off when he told me that I was fat? Why did I listen when the guys in my life compared me to other girls and constantly told me what I needed to fix? Why did I stay with them when they clearly found other’s much more attractive, enough to cheat? How did I manage to end up with guys who were always fantasizing about blondes when I am a brunette? Why didn’t I shrug off anyone who did not value me? Why did I allow my mom’s own negative self-talk conform my own image — when I knew how damaging and wrong it was? Why is our culture so confusing sexualizing everything, but condemning us for being sexually active? Oh, I have so many questions! I have to stop myself, or I will keep going.

I am going to leave with the last paragraph of Ashley Judd’s article and say thank you to her as well.

“If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.”

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04/7/12

About Lonely III (The Novella-I kid!)

Continued from About Lonely II…

I feel happy surrounded by my objects they do not replace people, but they sure are more accepting and less confusing. I want to interact and have more friendships. I am not sure how to keep long lasting relationships… maybe I can as long as they accept my ways and me. Honestly, I have not had very many people accept me. They have a preconceived idea about me. It is partly do to how I behave in situations with new people. I have had many people see me as a snob at first. It depends on the environment, but normally I try to stay out of sight, and quiet. One of the reasons for this is that people have misunderstood my personality for being an “attention seeker”. The truth is I am very animated; I get excited in good and bad ways. People have assumed that I am trying to be in the limelight when in reality I do not like being the star of the show. I like everyone to be seen, but many times, it does not work that way.

I like to share the stage — I admit the stage is fun, but not alone.

When I feel safe enough to let my guard down a bit people get to see that I am not a snob at all. I am a very accepting, and open person at times to my detriment. The good thing about me is that I never need much. I am always good with small gestures. Extravagance can make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. It is a lonely place to feel the need to stay on guard, know that people think you are stuck up, but do not know how to change it. It is a lonesome feeling to have to weed through social dynamics along with learning a new environment. I find it lonesome because others do not seem to have these same issues, so I have had to go through it alone.

I have observed others, and they know what a “look” means.

They understand a smile, or comment, someone’s tone does not confuse them. They laugh at things that can take me days to get. They remember to say “good morning” everyday. It can make me feel lonely when I do not understand what is going on. It makes me feel lonely when I am surrounded by people who seem to get everything that is going on and I haven’t clue. It seems many of my lonely feelings have to do with other people’s perceptions, their inability to read me, and/or my inability to read them. I am not alone; I do not feel lonely until it is brought to my attention how “different” I am. I find it interesting that my mom does not have the same feelings. She does not experience the same emotions that I do when confronted with being different.

If you have not guessed, I have been doing a parallel study.

Yes, I have been studying the differences between my mom and me. I have done this my whole life – the difference now is that my mom is answering my questions! She would not talk to me about this stuff before, now that she has an understanding of autism she is willing to discuss things she would not have in the past. She does not feel lonely when surrounded with a group of people who do not get her. She is aware of it, but it does not concern her. She has many rigid scripts though. They trump certain feelings — much like my “help trump” thing, my mom has mind trump cards that deal with social situations. I think hers is different because she is not as social as I am. She also does not put the same kind of importance on a relationship. I don’t know why I do this – I do have to accept it though.

I have friends, but I do not talk to them often.

I do interact through facebook sometimes. In my defense, (Not that I need to defend myself.) I am rather busy, and my priorities go to my children. I have taken to giving myself time to write, and blog because without that time I am no good to anyone. I email one friend on a semi-regular basis she does not get upset with me thankfully she understands. I have not been with or talked to my friend here since the last Bible study at my mom’s house, but we could not talk much then anyway. I enjoy reading, and commenting on the blogs I do. I am trying to be more social online, but I also know my limits. I also have to feel safe. When I feel safe my silliness comes out.

I can be quite the goofy lizard!

I do want to take a moment and talk about how I get taken aback in friendships. I have times when I shut down. My shut downs (or meltdowns) have been known to come on unexpectedly. In the last few months I have learned to watch for my triggers, and either start my own shut down, or prepare myself for what is about to happen. In the past, they seemed to come on suddenly and I would cut myself off from people completely. When I returned, the relationship seemed to change. It would cause me to be filled with anxiety and confusion because I didn’t understand what had happened. I tend to think everything is fine even with limited contact. I expected everything to be the same as it was the last time we had contact. This is where I can get sideswiped with confusion and hurt. I have encountered this on several occasions when I thought everything was fine, but the person had moved on and replaced me, or had no interest in me.

I perceived them as being finished with me, but not telling me.

These types of interactions caused overwhelming bouts of loneliness. It led to major negative looping because it didn’t make any sense. It was a rejection that seemed without cause. I have experienced this type of thing my entire life with numerous types of relationships. The worst ones were when my two live-in boyfriends (Not at the same time!) both planned to leave me, but did not tell me until the last minute. One I actually discovered that he was moving to another country because his new employer called and talked to me. If I had not gotten that phone call I am not sure when he would have told me. We did end up staying together while he lived there, but trust had been broken. My father did the same type of thing when I was around 11 or 12 I cannot remember now when he moved to another state. He told me the weekend before he was moving.

He didn’t understand why I was so upset.

It was a huge change; I had been going to his house practically every weekend since I was little. He was leaving, and I did not know when I would see him. I also felt like he didn’t much care that he was leaving me. The feeling I always had was that I should be happy for him. It was the same way by boyfriend responded when I discovered that he was going to work in another country. The first boyfriend to spring this “side swipe break up” on me acted as if I should have known. However, he hid it from me for over a month. He put in a transfer and the people at work (We worked at the same place at the time.) knew before I did. When he continued to keep contact with me and shared his life again, it was an attitude of “You should be happy for me.” Every time I encountered this, I experienced the other traumas on top of it. I didn’t want to, my mind seemed to attack me, my thoughts were uncontrollable, and I felt the emotions over and over again. These experiences made me feel exceptionally lonely. I had no one to talk to, and since all of them acted as if it was ok, I thought I had no reason to be upset.

My mom was not much comfort in this area.

She does not have much sympathy when she considers people to be jerks. She had empathy, but her way of handling it was different. She felt badly for me, but to her they were replaceable. When I think of lonely those were lonely times. I was terribly alone in my feelings, and hurt. Still I entertained myself, I talked to trees, birds, bugs, animals, the sky, and I went on adventures during the wee hours of the night. (Not too smart – no sense of danger.) I spent many days at the pool, and many nights spent with the moon and stars on my balcony. I also poured myself into work. During those times, I had my cherished books, movies, and music. They were my best friends and the only ones who understood me. Some people thought I was so strange. They thought something was wrong with me because I enjoyed riding my bike by myself, or during breaks instead of talking about people I was busy examining lizards or I would change the subject to vampires!

I may have felt lonely, but I was never alone.

Lonely sounds like such an awful thing. Sometimes I think it is good to feel that deep lonely feeling. If we didn’t feel that, how could we find our self? How can we ever discover our true inner strength, if we do not see what it is like to have no one? I am not speaking of long periods of depressed isolation, which is definitely not a good thing. I have gone through that it normally does not bring about healing. I am referring to what I felt at the symposium. I sat surrounded by people who look at my kind as studies, enigmas, puzzles to figure out, preconceived ideas about how people like me think. I was an alien in a room full of medical professionals. It freaked me out for a moment, but then I realized nothing had changed.

I was alone, but I wasn’t truly lonely.

I understood that the only reason why I was feeling lonely was that they were saying how much I needed people. I needed to adapt in order to be in this world if I do not want to be lonely. All of it was based on their perception of what lonely means and as I have been thinking about it, here I am once again debunking someone else’s idea of whom I am. They had great resources and ideas to help integrate people on the autism spectrum. They could explain how my brain works in the area of social confusion in so much detail; they gave me great understanding and clarity that helped me. They had very positive things to say about people on the autism spectrum, but they also were generalizing and making assumptions based on their own personal feelings.

I want friends.

I want to experience people. I want to share with people, and enjoy people. I want to be able to share myself without fears of rejection. It is happening. I am very much a social Aspie, but I also cannot be too social. I have to have limits. I get over-stimulated. I can get obsessive if I am confused by a relationship. I do not feel like I am missing anything though because I do not have a bunch of people in my life, or because I do not go out all the time. Those things made me feel very lonely. It does not make me a lonely person. All of these years my feelings of loneliness have been stemmed from being misunderstood, and having people in my life who were constantly telling me how I needed to be. Discovering more about whom I am, and how I see and process my world takes away a lot of my loneliness.

The feelings of isolation and deep despair have dwindled.

I understand that I can have that type of negative loop, but my looping is not the same as actually feeling that way. My loops are usually my brain trying to help me understand something. I think the saying is true you have to love yourself before you can know how to love others. It never made sense to me until I started actually liking myself for the first time in my life. I have spent a large amount of time trying to love others with all of my heart because I did not know how to love myself. (I do not mean to sound all cheesy here, but I have to confess this stuff.) My coming to terms and accepting more of me has given me the ability to step out more and comment on other blogs.

It has given me the ability to share more of me with others.

It has revealed how there are people who know what I am talking about. They have felt similar things — we truly are not alone. Though we may feel lonely out in the “real” world, the internet world seems to bring me much comfort, even if I do not have “normal” relationships with people. I am still very hard on myself, and question at times, why anyone would want anything to do with me. This is not out of insecurity it is out of the inability to see who I am. It is my “self mind-blindness.” My self-awareness has been lacking, and I have been looking to others to help me all of these years. I do not see what others see in me. I do not understand what attracts people to me. I do not know why anyone would want to be my friend, or love me. I am a little teary eyed at this point and I do not know why. I partially think it is because I am seeing some good things about myself. I am accepting that I am good at things. I believe that I am a person of worth, and I matter. I cannot tell you how incredibly painful it is for me to write those words. I felt like nothing for so long.

I felt invisible many times.

The feelings like no one would notice if I just left this world, feeling completely unlovable and rejected for so many years stripped me of self. My mom felt all of those things her entire life as well, but she never shared that until our weekend together. Again hers is in a different way, it has to do more so with talent than self. However, her self-image does stem her feelings, but I will not go into that. Discovering why we do things the way we do, and that there are others who share and understand has given us a new perspective on life. We have also had many things cleared up gaining the understanding that no two autistics are alike. We are not a simple label, you cannot fit us into a box, and we are our own unique vessel. I do not understand why people have to be categorized. That is a sure fire way to make someone feel lonely. I am wondering what others think about the word lonely. I wonder why people write so many things about it, but never really tackle the subject. Lonely…there is so much packed into that word.

If you are feeling lonely, remember you are not alone.

The end!

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04/6/12

About Lonely II

Continued from About Lonely I…

I didn’t understand why a person like me who wanted friends, and liked people had no friends, while my mom who seemed to care less always had people swarming. She says that it is just like cats, she is not a cat fan (WHAT?), yet they always want to be around her. Cats love her and she doesn’t want anything to do with them. It seems similar with people. She has always had people in her life who continue to keep up the relationship. She has had a “take me or leave me” attitude and she really is not affected much when someone leaves her life. She moves on rather quickly, and has something of a shoulder shrug response. (There is a lot more detail to her relationship stories that does not apply to the rest of this, maybe another post. )

I am nothing like this.

This line of thinking that my mother was able to have people care about her so much started at an early age. It consumed me throughout my life, but I now understand that it was childhood perception that never transpired into an adult understanding. Apparently, at some point between ages 12-14, social understanding of degrees of relationships really kicks in, and the adult thinking is starting to pave its way. My brain did not transition with my peers, and I continually become unaware, or confused to the social dynamics going on around me. It is not that I cannot understand it; it is that I need someone to explain things to me in a rational, direct, and kind way. It hurts deeply when people talk to me as if I am a child, or get frustrated with me because they assume I should already know things.

In reality however, I had friends throughout my life.

I have had many friends. I have said it before though, I am good at making friends — I am not good at keeping them. When I lose friends that makes me feel lonely because I do not understand why I lose them. I know that sometimes it is my own doing many times in those cases I was trying to protect myself. I admit that being alone, and entertaining myself can be very fun and can lead me to drift away from a relationship. I have noticed that I do a much better job at keeping up relationships via internet. I am devastated when someone leaves my life that I have put energy into, and shared parts of myself into the relationship. Let me clarify I become devastated if I do not know the reason why. If they were to tell me clearly, such as telling me “I found a new friend who better suits my interests and we click far better”, I can handle that. It would hurt, sure, but at least I know and I can understand that. I would obviously have to work through the pain. If I am left to guess at what is happening I turn inward and attack myself, if it is made clear that I did nothing wrong I do not attack myself.

I may have questions — I always have questions.

Although, I do not know how to transition from good friend, to acquaintance I have always cut people off. I did not understand transitioning relationships. To be honest it still makes me confused, I am not sure how to handle any of that, and it seems too complicated. My feelings of devastation were even prevalent when I was in an abusive relationship, and I knew that I had to end it. I felt guilt, I felt sorry for him, and I ached for months at the separation. I know that part of that had to do with other factors that happen with abuse, but I still felt it. (I didn’t know I was being abused at the time.) It was an incredibly lonely time for me. My mom could not understand and continued to tell me to get over it. She could not understand why I would feel sad when it was such a horrible relationship.

I wondered why my mom would even have tried to have romantic relationships.

I asked her if she continued dating and getting into relationships because that was her script. She seemed favorable with that hypothesis. She made it clear that she liked having someone around to help her. She also made it clear that she does not have the same emotions and never has when someone describes love. It does not feel the same for her. It does not look the same, though she tried to make it like movies because she thought that is what it was supposed to be. At one time she did connect to one person in a deep way, and she described him as being the closest thing to “movie type” love she has ever encountered. She does not feel like she has missed anything, and she is perfectly happy being alone. She has very few friends, but a ton of acquaintances. If you asked her, her good friends could go under the acquaintance category. It does not mean she does not care deeply about them.

It does not mean she is hard and cold.

She is not, she is very loving, but it can look very different. Her expression of love is not an emotional type of love. She crochets blankets, gives flowers, (Blah! She said she learned to do that from church.) she cleans things as acts of love. We both are not sure if she is this way to protect herself because she does feel so deeply, or if she is just like this. She is able to cut people off and not think twice about it. Once someone hurts her, they get three strikes then, they are out. Not with her children obviously otherwise my sisters and I would have been cut off a long time ago. Hee hee

She and I differ in this area in some ways.

It takes a lot for me to cut someone out of my life. They have to devastate me beyond recovery, or I finally conclude they must want nothing to do with me. At that point, I cut myself off from them normally in a looping haste, and it will be some random act with me saying, “I’m gone. Good Bye”. I have done this several times in my life where I cut people off and devastated myself so I would not have to wait any longer for them to do it to me. Trying to read their signs, or figure out if they cared about me was too stressful and the anticipation killed me inside. Therefore, I ended it.

However, it never ends.

It always leaves me wondering, and feeling abandoned ultimately leaving me feeling lonely. I know that I am the one who did the final abandonment. I have been working through this, and trying to create healthier patterns in this area. I remember my mind racing with questions every time I have cut someone out of my life. Why not just do it themselves? Why would they continue to act as if I meant something when I did not? Why didn’t they consider me? Why didn’t they think about my feelings? Why wouldn’t they be honest? I realize that I made up scenarios in my head that may or may not be true because the not knowing was far worse. The people I have done this to have returned in my life at certain times and I am always surprised that they have fond memories of me.

They genuinely like me, but it confuses me.

The questions arise. If they cared about me, why did they treat me the way they did? I have one friend in my hometown that I am not sure I can have contact with her. She hurt me several times, and I cut her off several times. Amazingly, she always finds me. She thinks about me. She loves me, but it is so hard for me to reconcile this with her actions. I similarly have a hard time with family, and have removed myself from certain family members throughout my life. Sometimes these decisions have been good and healthy for me, sometimes not so much. I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. I have tried not to let me feel anything because the pain is too much. That is not who I am though. When I try to cap my emotions, or parts of me that are intense that makes me feel lonely. It stirs the emotions of being misunderstood, and not “normal”. I know that normal is a myth, but it is more the feeling of no one reaching out to me as I have seen people do for my mom. Maybe I miss the cues?? I feel lonely when I realize people have absolutely no clue what I am feeling. I feel lonely when someone tells me I have no emotions.

I feel lonely when someone tells me I have a poker face.

I feel lonely when people look at me and cannot tell my heart is broken. I feel lonely when I am overjoyed bouncing around, singing, and dancing and people look at me as if I am a freak. I feel lonely when my body cannot bear a hug, or my eyes cannot look at someone’s face, and people make me feel bad for it. I feel lonely when I have no one to share with my similar interests. I especially felt lonely the day I was told, “No one will ever understand you. You need to accept that you are all alone in the world, and no one will fully know, or understand you.” Yeah…that made me feel exceptionally lonely. It has been swimming through my mind since the day they said it. When the person said this to me they thought it would bring me comfort, and help me to see that I have no one, but myself to rely on and once I understood that I am all alone I could feel good about it. Um…no. That worked for them, it did not work for me.

I feel connections to everything — that statement made me feel connected to nothing.

I need to feel connected, not surrounded by tons of people, but connected otherwise I lose all hope. I become faithless in humanity and myself. I crumble at the thought that I am having no one to share things with, or link to. So a statement like that does not benefit me in any way. I am not lonely in the same way that people describe it. Lori from A Quiet Week In The House left this comment on my last post “I prefer being alone. I feel more connected to actual loneliness when I am with others.” That is it. I do enjoy people, and being social, (I will go into that a little more in the next post.), but being alone can be great fun for me. My issue is I do not like feeling ALL alone in the world. I do not like the feeling as if I am an alien dropped off here on planet earth, unless of course my alien beings gave me a clear and direct task while I was here! I want to be with people and have meaningful relationships.

BUT I am happy by myself too.

Up Next About Lonely III…

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04/5/12

About Lonely I

I have been thinking about the word lonely. What does it mean? Why do so many people feel lonely and hide it? Why do some people consider those who are perfectly fine alone as lonely? Why do people not believe it when someone says: “I like being alone.” What is lonely? What does it mean to me? What makes me feel lonely? What makes others feel lonely? How many times can I write the word lonely in a paragraph? Does the word lonely feel lonely? Ok, Ok I’ll stop. The word lonely got me thinking about alone, to me the word lonely and alone or two different things. They can coexist, but being alone for me is not a bad thing sometimes and it does not mean that I am lonely. I was perfectly fine with being alone (I still am), but the feeling of loneliness has overwhelmed me many times in my life.

As I have tried to write this post, it has spun into over 4000 words. (Currently.)

I have several posts that I am sharing on the topic. I have tried to capture and articulate what I am feeling on the topic, but I cannot. Instead, this has turned into ramblings of situations that have made me feel lonely. I can be consumed with the feeling of isolation. When I want to share my thoughts, or talk about things that make me happy, or sad. When I want to tell someone my pain without interruption, or analytical prose. When I look around and realize that no matter what I still have to keep up some form of mask in order to survive, or adapt. I feel lonely when I am faced with the reality of how different I am, or when I feel completely misunderstood. I read the wiki page on loneliness and thought that this statement was appropriate “the physical absence of meaningful people around a person”. It isn’t about large numbers of friends, or relationships it is about the physical absence of meaningful people. If we do not have one single person in our life that we feel understands us, or at least accepts everything about us that can lead to feeling lonely. I have been consumed with despair and loneliness at times when I am surrounded by people. I can be overwhelmed with this feeling the more people there are.

It’s the feeling of not understanding others, and them not understanding me.

The etymology dictionary had this to say about lonely: “dejected for want of company”. The dictionary shared words like lonesome, destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, desolate, and isolated. Yes, I have felt all of these things. I still do many times, but I also find comfort in being alone. The feelings of loneliness can rift through me suddenly and unexpectedly. It is usually triggered by an incident. When I sat in a room of over 300 hundred people and by their statistics there was only one other person…possibly two who may understand what I was feeling at that moment it flooded me with feeling all alone in the world. I mean seriously alone. They spoke about individuals like myself in ways that made me realize in a drastic way that indeed my thoughts are my own. I was unaware of how much I believed that others were thinking exactly what I was. It put it into perspective that I do this in a real tangible way. On the surface, I understand this, but on a daily basis, I am not thinking about it and I assume that others are reading my mind, or mean the same thing as I do on a subconscious level.

Logically I know this is not true…I do not know how to articulate it.

They did say at the time that the statistics for autism could be going to 1 in 100. Not because there was an epidemic, but because according to Ami Klin, PhD (I am paraphrasing because I did not bring a recorder and could not write fast enough, but I did get key words and statements.) it is not an epidemic the medical field is finally getting things right. They are gaining more understanding, perspective, and with new resources for early diagnosis, it changes the numbers to be more accurate. He did not dismiss the fact that environment and/or genetic factors can (do) play a role as well. However, he mentioned that if it truly were an epidemic, the statistics would not be the same between children and adults. The stats were 1 in 110 for both child diagnosis and adult diagnosis. Now we have the stats at 1 in 88 according to the CDC. This number should apply to adults as well. Personally, I have stayed away from reading any more about the new number release. I can’t do it right now. In a way, those numbers made me think quite a bit more about the meaning of lonely. It brought me back to a few weeks ago.

I sat in the conference room looking around wanting to find my kind.

Not because I was scared or insecure, but I felt outnumbered. I felt on guard, and as if I needed to protect myself. I do not know why. I felt like I had been thrown into a foreign country where I vaguely understood their language. They did not know my language because their words did not mean the same thing. When I said something was loud that meant it was hurting my body, it was stinging my flesh, it sent jolts into my ears, it made me dizzy and off balance. When they said something was loud, they only meant the volume was up. I know the differences between my brain and others. I do understand this, but to have it so clear, and directly spoken, shown, and explained — felt lonely. It felt isolating and real for the first time. I saw myself being described in clinical terms, these people understood me based on research, studies, interactions doing therapies with people like me, but they still did not “get” me. It made me see with clarity how confused I am a lot of the times. My confusion makes me feel lonely. It made me ponder on many other things as well. My mind has been soaring with events in my life. This experience made me doubt anything and everything I have known.

It made me question all kinds of social interactions.

I already do this — I have to be cautious with people because I have been hurt so deeply. Even when I have kept walls up, and defense mechanisms, I would still be hurt by confusing actions and words. The inability to discern what the relationship was about, how I was supposed to interact in the relationship, along with trusting the wrong people, being manipulated, and confused caused me to be hurt. I see now in my constant confusion I attacked myself and caused myself more harm than the other person did at times. When I rushed things through my head, I didn’t know how to process it. That led me to ask my mom “Are you lonely?” She said: “No, not at all. You know I like to be alone.” She then shared that my sister who moved back in with her has been connecting a lot of similarities between the three of us. Funny the other day the topic of being lonely came up with them as well.

My mom asked her:”Do you ever feel lonely?”

She replied with: “Not really, only when I see couples together maybe.” I then asked my mom if she felt that she no longer feels lonely because she has gotten used to it. I wondered if she felt lonely when she was my age or my sister’s age. Her answer: “Well, maybe, but I don’t think so. You know I have always liked being alone. Even as a child, I preferred to be in my room. I didn’t really want to play with other kids.” She then went into how she was kind of like Liz Taylor, always having a man when she was our age. She is reading a biography on Liz right now. I recalled my accounts of the men in her life. She seemed more annoyed and bothered when they were around. I did not much care for them either…some of them I liked, but they did not stay around very long.

Why?

Because my mom couldn’t do it. She couldn’t keep up a relationship. It was too much work. The only reason why she has long lasting friendships is because they contact her, they keep the relationship going, and they call and set up plans to do things. She has an ex-boyfriend who lives out of state (they dated when I was a teenager) we still have not figured out the relationship… friends? More than friends? We do not know, but he keeps regular contact with her. He and his kids stay at mom’s house for vacation every year. However, if he did not call or email her on a regular basis she would not think to contact him unless something new happens in her life. He continues to tell her that people are supposed to keep contact and call each other. Although, he has finally accepted that she will not remember to do so. I am different in this area, when I care about someone, they can consume my thoughts. I want to interact with them all the time. I want to share everything, and I want to know all they are doing, thinking, achieving, their likes, dislikes…I want to know them as much as I am sharing myself. I have discovered that people do not do this. It makes me feel rejected, and confused. I now know that it has nothing to do with me, but throughout the years, it has hurt me terribly.

When I was younger, my mom had a group of girlfriends.

They hung out at our home all the time. They would sit around talking, drinking Stroh’s beer, listening to music, smoking cigarettes, and eating chips or some sort of snacks. I sat watching them, observing their behaviors, cleaning up after them, entertaining them with my dances or silliness, and telling them “I am never going to smoke, or drink.” I wish I would have stuck to my little self rules, it could have saved me from some hard times. I recall in detail many similar nights, I am on the living room floor, I have my books laid out or some sort of game I am playing by myself — listening to every word they say, and I feel desperately alone. I did not understand anything they were talking about, and I felt invisible unless they wanted a beer, or I could make them laugh somehow. My mom confused me as well because she was different. She was acting different and I did not understand why. My mom has since shared with me that she was the one who held the parties, and drank to help with her social anxiety. She didn’t know what it was at the time. The one thing that confused me very much and was a contributing factor to a distorted self-image was seeing my mom surrounded by friends.

She always has people who surround her, yet she seeks to be alone.

Coming Soon About Lonely II…

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04/3/12

Fragmented Thoughts

I have had to take a break from blog reading. There are so many wonderful posts that are being written, and other ones…I am not in the mood to write a post about autism. My brain reflects my different way of thinking, and truth be told several posts from people have caused me social confusion. I want to keep it light today, but I am hoping to focus on autism and self-awareness in the weeks to come. I am torn this year about all of this “awareness” going on. I am frustrated and excited at the same time. I see so many new bloggers, and people on the spectrum sharing their stories. I find that to be so great! I am also enthusiastic to see many more parents writing about autism acceptance. However, I am still faced with the reality that others feel this is a disease that needs a cure. In recent days this has happened several times in my own person life.

We are constantly balancing between spectrums.

At times it feels very much like we are given a “one or the other” choice. Still I will focus on all of the positives that I see. However, because of all of these wonderful posts, “other” posts, and personal experiences with negative spins my brain is racing and soaring in all directions. I have so many things that I want to share, but cannot find my words. Instead, I will share some pictures, and the three little ones that fill me with joy along with coercing me into a freezing ocean today. Oh, Oh! I got a picture of my $5.00 Macy’s coat too. Please, please brain get yourself together!

Alright, alright I cannot leave without sharing some resources.

Stigma and the “Othering” of Autism

Autism Awareness is Not Enough: Here’s How to Change the World

How Asperger’s syndrome affects creativity

Monkey and Autism Acceptance Month

Autism Understanding and Acceptance

Autism and Empathy

Zoey ~ My Autism Greeting

Video by stark.raving.mad.mommy

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04/2/12

I’m Baaaaccckkkk!

On Friday, I was a complete spaz! Actually, all week I was off and on again with being calm, excited, sad, or plain goofy. My anxiety was tiptop! I soared with good and bad anxiety it was fueled by anticipation. All kinds of anticipation. You name it I probably thought of it and tried to prepare for it. Anyone ever see Doomsday Preppers I could have been placed in that category until the last hour before my mom came to pick me up. However, it was only mentally, I had not prepared for anything in the physical realm. I finally was able to pack, get showered, gather snacks, and water for the two and half hour trip an hour before mom got here. After about thirty hugs from the kids, mom and I were off to Savannah. When we got into the car both of us were calm and excited. (Before you go any further, I did get sidetracked and seem to be bouncing in different directions in this post. It also contains a numerous amount of smiley faces. You have been warned. )

The road trip was awesome.

It was the first time my mom and I have had solid hours of uninterrupted conversation since…I think my sister was born! Many things were discussed — I am not sure how we ended up on one particular conversation, but we did. Most likely, it was me because it was about relationships and I have a special interest when it comes to relationships. This led to our discussion about her ex-husband. It transpired into how he ended up leaving. I am not sure if I have shared the story before, but I am not going to share all of the details today. During this particular discussion, my mom triggered a key event that I had blocked completely. I did not realize the trauma I went through, or that I completely blocked it. My mom was out of town for a week for work when the event happened. While she was gone, I found my stepfather with another woman. A woman that I had already caught him on the phone with overhearing him tell her that he loved her. I had also already busted him with bags of marijuana.

I told my mom previously about the phone situation and the marijuana.

When I walked in on them, I freaked out and called my mom. She shut down and could not do anything about it because she was three states away. She had to stay for her job, and she said that she would take care of it when she got home. The short story was I lied to my stepfather and told him that mom said he had to leave. I took care of my two baby sisters for that week. I ended up skipping school the entire time and got expelled. (I got back in, but that is another long story.) I cannot recall everything that was going on, but I was in an abusive relationship myself. I believe I was around 15 years old. I am not able to think of the dates at this time. It is all a blur, but what freaked me out was that I completely blocked the incident. It made me wonder about other things that I have completely blocked. I am not planning on recalling any blocked memories at this point. This was enough thank you very much! I share this story though because what I did to myself caused me serious damage all of these years.

I took on the guilt, and felt like a horrible person for lying to get him out of the house.

I somehow twisted the events, and turned the trauma onto myself. I blamed myself for thinking badly about him because I did not remember what I had seen. I felt somehow I was to blame even though the only thing I did wrong was get a lying, cheating, pothead jerk away from me, and my sisters! (Even if it was their father) He also stole money from my mom, who happened to be making substantially more, he got her in serious debt taking checks out of sequence, and hiding it from her. She did not find that out until the bank called her telling her what her overdraft was. She was 6 months pregnant with my younger sister when that happened. She felt stuck, and didn’t know how or what to do. The stigma of being a single mom and getting another divorce was weighing on her, she was pregnant, now in horrible debt, working 50 or more hours a week — just to share a few things going on in our life. She didn’t know what to do with me catching him with the other things I discovered as well. I would have made an awesome private detective!

I took the reins and got rid of him.

Mom thought he left on his own and he thought mom told him to leave. I have felt so horrible all of these years, and even convinced myself that maybe I did the wrong thing. After mom reminded me of what I saw, it was as if I was standing in the room and I relived the entire moment. I remember details of the curtains, the couch, the lighting in the room, everything! Now that I remember, I have had all of that guilt wash off of me. Sure maybe I should have let mom handle it, but to be honest I could not live in that house with him one more second. I didn’t even want to share the same air with him. I HAD to get him out. I knew that mom and I would be fine. We did fine without him — he had already disconnected from my sisters. It was a mess. So the Savannah trip turned out to be much more healing than I thought it would be. In many ways, not only for me, but for mom too. She has held on to guilt about divorcing the #@@!@@#$# that’s all I will say.

Our trip was awesome!

We did not get to go to all of the museums, and houses that we would have liked to because it rained. We did get stuck in the rain, got lost in circles because we got disoriented, and almost had a meltdown on each other. In the past, the whole indecent would have ended with us yelling at each other. Instead, here is what happened, we had to catch the shuttle by 2:30pm it was 2:05pm pouring down rain, she kept confusing me because she had the map backwards, we finally figured it out. We had been walking under huge trees that kept the rain semi-tolerable, but in order to get to the shuttle we had to walk out in wide open spaces, when we did the rain started coming down harder. I said: Oh, it’s getting worse” (referring to the rain) my mom snaps: “How can it be any worse than this?”

Immediately my brain starts thinking of all of the worst possible situations.

Being stuck in the rain, walking in circles, in Savannah, GA was not that bad at all. We could ask someone to help us, we could get a cab, we could go find a place to buy an umbrella, and on and on my brain went. It was not bad at all even though it was very frustrating, and I hate getting wet. The rain did hurt my skin and I was having a lot of issues, but for me it was not as bad as it could be. For my mom it was the absolute worst thing in the entire world ever! This is where the fights would start — I would take her quite literally and tell her how it could be much worse. She would take me quite literally and start telling me how horrible it actually was back and forth until finally one of would blow. This time I looked up at the sky when she said it and said: “I meant the rain is coming down harder, I was talking about the rain.”

We almost lost it on each other too when we could not find a place to eat.

We do not do well when we are both hungry. I am not going in sequence, sorry. The day before the wonderful drive ended up with us stopping at two La Quinta’s asking where ours was because I thought mom printed out Google map directions, but NO! She had an actual map from 2005 for Savannah! I cannot read regular maps in a car. I get dizzy, I cannot make sense of them, and they get all blurry, and cause me to panic. I NEED PICTURES! I need tons of landmarks to look for. I need exit numbers. I need approximate distance of time. I need anything to help me know that I am not lost. I like regular maps at home when I am not traveling. If I am traveling, I need every detail possible. I told her to pull off and ask someone and she did. We found it and it was not hard at all. We seemed to be running a pattern during the weekend though, “If only we would have a gone a little bit farther.”

Still we had a ball.

We laughed, got on each other’s nerves, I danced all over the place she ignored me, (It was just like when I was a kid…good times.) we ate some great food; she talked me into going to Macy’s. We each got $90 coats from Macy’s for $5.00! WHAT? Yes, we did! Quadruple awesome clearance sale! My mom’s favorite stores are Macy’s, Dillard’s, some other fancy schmancy stores. She used to shop there all the time….when she had money and a reason to buy that attire. Me? I got excited about all of the lampposts, trees, and birds that were around! I got a little obsessive with taking pictures of doors, as well as the others I mentioned. I tried to get ghosts to talk to me, but none would. I had all kinds of birds talk to me though. I managed to make one frustrated and he went after mom, he flew right past her head within inches! My bad! Good thing she is not afraid of them. My sister on the other hand would have attacked me had that happened. I don’t understand it her name is Athena I would think she would love birds.

We plan on going back because I did not get to see Bonaventure Cemetery.

I have to go back and see it. We did see Forrest Gump — he hopped onto our trolley for a moment. I did not see any feathers, but there was a plastic bag floating that made me think of this scene from American Beauty. I think that sums up what I was feeling sometimes while walking around Savannah. All of the tragedy that fills the history of the town is too much to take in. BUT the beauty that fills the place was too much to take in as well. As I listened to the facts and information, I wanted more. I wanted to know more. I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and study the bricks in the roads. I wanted to run my fingers along the train tracks. I wanted to look into every door, but I got sidetracked by the beauty of the cracks and lines, and crookedness of the sidewalks from trees deep old roots that reveal history and life. The roots carry the memories of the people who walked those streets good and bad. The shutters that were crooked gave buildings character. It was too much to take in for a short weekend.

That morning we went to get on our shuttle mom and I were both a little anxious.

We walked into to the lobby and it was full of college age baseball players and their coaches. Good Lord! I was surrounded by giants! I got overwhelmed and had to sneak off to the corridor. Mom and I both waited and the shuttle was late. Anxiety rising, an older woman came over and spilled her coffee, I immediately ran over to get napkins to clean it up. Mom said the woman was making negative comments about herself and she was trying to comfort her, I did not hear a thing I needed to clean up the mess. When I looked down, I saw that coffee was on her toes. Awww!!!! Toes!!! I took a deep breath and cleaned her toes for her. It was painful. I share that story because that was a moment of my “help trump” card taking over my complete freak out over toes. Lol! Also, because it leads into the next event. The toes almost sent me over until I heard the loveliest and most calming thing ever. A family speaking in German sat down right in front of us. I felt the calm rush over me and a big smile across my face.

Mom did the same thing.

We then realized that both of us are calmed by hearing the German language. On the shuttle, we talked about our time in Germany. I get confused as to how long we lived there mom said it was three and half years. I think I thought it was two — anyway she shared how she loved it there. The only things she missed while living there was her parent’s and American food. I said: “WHAT? American food! Blah!” Lol! She does love German food, but for some reason she likes “American food” whatever that is. As she shared more details about Germany and our life there, we started to get a little anxious again about getting on the trolley. We sat down and lo’ and behold, the couple in front of us and next to them spoke German. Anxiety melted and we were both calm and happy. I have no idea why that is the case and I had no idea mom felt the same way I do about the German language. I do like listening to all languages they fascinate me, but for some reason the German language feels right to me. I have no other way to explain it. I have nothing but positive connections to Germany. Mom said she wanted to go back to Germany one day, sigh….I wish we could.

Oh, yeah I was in Savannah!

I made this much longer than I had planned. Geez! There was a lot that happened this weekend and that was only the tip of the iceberg. The kids did great. They played games, watched movies, ate junk, and are now going all wild and not listening to a single word I say. That seems about right. I am going to take them to the beach and let them run some of this out of their system. I wish it would tire them out, but it won’t. They were funny when I called them; all they talked about were Pokémon, and the games that they were playing. They didn’t seem to miss me at all, but they did. I am not too worried about that it doesn’t hurt my feelings, it is much better for me to know that they are having fun and doing well without me. We wrote stories about their weekend with Daddy, and this is what they said it felt like with me being gone. Ariel: “It felt like mommy was on the computer, but invisible for a longtime.” Daniel: “It felt like mommy was upstairs, and she was not coming down, forever.” Joshua: “It felt like she was in the bathroom for a very long time.” LOL! I had other things that I was going to share, but I got sidetracked and now I have to stop.

Picture time!

(I have a couple of pictures with my face in this batch and I am freaking out! Just so everyone knows.)

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04/1/12

Bringing Awareness, I Am Turning Blue (Repost)

I wrote this last year in a flush of being overwhelmed by all of the information and turmoil that sprung from only the first day of Autism Awareness Month. The weeks that led up to the first day of April consumed me with emotion as a mother of an autistic child and as an autistic woman. This year is no different. As a matter-of-fact, I am even more overwhelmed with the heat rising from the announcement “CDC: Autism Rate is Now 1 in 88″. I cannot even write about my feelings. I will wait until the smoke falls and everyone is able to focus once again on the reality that we need to acknowledge and help children, adults, and parents. We need resources, accurate information, and individual plans to focus on each individual on the autism spectrum.

We need a focus on implementing helps.

At this point there are so many unknown factors that play into the “why’s” or “how’s”. I am not dismissing the importance of doing studies and trying to discover better ways to help, or determine certain factors. The numbers seem to be of little value to families struggling financially, emotionally, physically, and not knowing where to turn. I hope this year we can transition into seeking the answers to help parents understand what autism is. Help them not be afraid of the diagnosis, but in order for that to happen some outlooks need to change. Parents need help in understanding — there is so much information out there and they need direction. Adults coming to terms that they are on the spectrum need acceptance, and help as well.

We need direction.

I hope that awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding that the label autism is not the same for each of us. We all look and act differently. With the big reveal of the CDC numbers to me, broaden my eyes to see how incredibly diverse Autism is. Even though we are not the same we suffer many similar issues that make us feel isolated. It reveals that we need to take a step back and truly grasp the fact that there is no normal. We are all human beings — no two alike. It is tiresome to see the round and round conversations that do not seem to move or motivate people. At any rate…

We need to be reminded that we are not alone…all of us on the autism spectrum or not.

I did clean this up a little but, but I did not edit the message.

We are boys, we are girls, we are men, and we are women. We are diagnosed, un-diagnosed, and self-diagnosed. We are friends, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, employers, and employees. We are artists, geniuses, mechanics, and cashiers. We are living in institutions, boarding schools, college and at home. We are being abused, bullied and outcast. We are being accepted and lifted up.

We are everywhere.

Some of us can speak and it feels like we won’t stop, some of us can speak, but cannot get our words out, some of us cannot speak through the means that is comfortable for others, some of us speak through a song, dance, cry, or scream. We are looking at you right now. We cannot be put in a box and we cannot give complete clarity to all of our differences. We find some comfort in our similarities. We have been here and will be here, more of us will be diagnosed and hopefully get the help we need to give us the best quality of life possible. Bringing awareness does not mean to just think about it for this day or month.

Bringing awareness could be a paradigm shift in the thinking of others.

Awareness according to Wikipedia:

“Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense-data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human’s or an animal’s perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.”

Awareness defined in the dictionary is:

Awareness
noun
“Awareness of, knowledge of, understanding of, appreciation of, recognition of, attention to, perception of, consciousness of, acquaintance with, enlightenment with, sensibility to, realization of, familiarity with, mindfulness of, cognizance of, sentience of The 1980s brought an awareness of green issues.”

As we go into this month of designated autism awareness, I think about what I would like people to have knowledge of, an ability to perceive, to feel, to be conscious of, when it comes to autism. Actually, there is a lot I would like for people to be aware of but I guess if I were going to stay focused, my main points would be for people to be aware of the fact that we are not all the same. Every person has his or her own unique qualities and hindrances. Though we may have many similarities, there are many differences as well. We each have our own personality and likes. Some may have the similar obsessions with fans or trains but some change their obsessions and often. Social situations can affect us all differently — we may be very social and then have anxiety later. We may be too anxious to go or do anything. We may not even think about it because the social situation involves our special interest.

Our sensory issues manifest in different ways.

Some of us are seekers, some of us are avoiders, and some of us are a mix. Loud noises can tear through our body and jolt us into a panic — the sound of ice can feel like daggers in our ears, while loud music can be comforting. Hot weather can drain us while for others it is energizing, cold weather can stop some of us from being able to move because it hurts our flesh so badly, while some of us can run around in the snow in shorts and think that it is great. There are so many differences between each one of us and that is something that needs to be made aware to the world. There are substantial differences between girls and boys and woman and men on the autism spectrum and I think that is something of importance that should be remembered and considered continually.

There are so many methods of treatment and I think having proper awareness of them is important as well.

There are many things that my mind wants to share but I cannot in a blog post. As I challenge myself to stay focused and make a clear point, I guess out of everything that I would want people to have awareness of when it comes to autism, is acceptance. I would long to see people accept our differences and be aware of them. I would want people to accept our gifts and hindrances not as pity or idolize the giftings but to accept us as we are. Accept challenges and bring forth more awareness to the needs of those who are not receiving the help they need. I am referring to parents, children, and adults on the spectrum. Acceptance that it is ok for parents to be upset, concerned, exhausted, worried, and feeling hopeless but to not accept those feelings as their new identity.

Don’t stay there.

Accept that a mindset of fear will make the mind look for a constant enemy, not be empowering but strip away the life ahead. Accept that you don’t have to be angry but determined to help your child and yourself. Accept that the challenges are real but if our community pulls together to seek to help parents were better equipped to help their child with autism, it can change. Accept that adults on the spectrum can bring a lot of insight to parents who do not know what it is like for their child. For those who have been in denial to accept that there are adults on the spectrum, they have a voice and they can give hope to those who feel hopeless. There needs to be acceptance and awareness that parents have a voice too and need to be heard just as much as their children do. We all need to accept that we are not winning any battle by drawing lines in the sand and bashing each other. We need each other and those who are unwilling to accept that are just not ready for a paradigm shift. We need to acknowledge that, that is ok too. However, with more of us speaking out as parents for our children, giving our children a voice as well, and focusing on quality of life instead of what is seen as detriments of life, maybe that will change.

I hope there will be some minds bending to true awareness this month.

Here are some resources to help bring awareness.

What is Autism?

The History of Autism (Quicky)

Rethinking Autism

Some Videos

Loving Lamposts Trailer

Increasing Awareness of Women with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Girls and Asperger’s I have several more links on this page regarding girls.

Types of Asperger’s As a means to help identify in some way not to compartmentalize, there can be many variations and mixes. It usually depends on environment and stress levels.

Life with Asperger’s (8 different types of Asperger’s)

Communication Frustration (Wretches and Jabberers)

Autism Symposium

Light it Up Blue (Reference to my post title.)

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Mind Retrofit

Upgrading to the Asperger's Life

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