I chose that title because I think it is hilarious! Bwaaa Haaa I am totally on a Facebook rant I have no real purpose other than speaking randomly-chaotic-silly spews of pandemonium. Ok, the truth? I have been laughing at that saying all day and wanted to use it as a title and I wanted to use the word pandemonium because I have been fixated on words today. They make me smile. I have accepted that I am in yet another information consuming loop. This causes me to get all frenzied and I have learned how it can be fun instead of mind halting. I have also learned that if I do not let my silliness out all of the information will cause me to spiral into a serious mode and I will feel the need to change the world TODAY AT ALL COST! Welcome to one of my information overloaded mind nonsensical posts.

I have voiced my issues with Facebook before…my personal account not my MindRetrofit account.

I like my Mind account it is nice and quiet. There are no people on there making me socially confused, or giving me anxiety. I do not have to see family members play pretend nice. I do not have to filter through “reading” between the lines. It is simple, clear, and not a lot of hooey. I like my Twitter account because of that as well. I follow people who are clear, funny, and give me great things to read. I do not do much on my Twitter account other than post my recent blog posts or poems. I can’t really — I do not do that well at typing on the fly. I end up with horrible grammatical errors that send me into a panic. I also end up saying things that I either later regret or someone misunderstands.

At first I thought that this social networking would be a good thing for me. 

Overall it is not bad as long as I limit my interactions with people who confuse me. I am a little freaky about how many friends I have too. It really only has to do with numbers, not people. Hard to explain. On my personal account I started to get panicky when I exceeded 50 friends. People from my past started popping up and wanting to be friends. Some of them I ignored others I was happy to see. Now that I am at 111 I do not want any more friends it’s nothing personal I just want to keep 111. If I could get a round of people to friend me and get to 122 that may work. BUT that would be it 122 is my limit on my personal account. (Strange, I know.) I actually did not want to go past 99, but I was forced to because of family. Again some of them I do not mind, others um…no comment. I do have them hidden, but I know that they are still there. I hate the feeling of being obligated to keep someone as a “friend” who is not. I really hate it when I know for a fact that they do not care in the slightest about me or my family. Unless of course I am “failing”.

I sometimes wish I did not set up a personal account. 

At times I go through frantic posting phases with all of the new information that I find. Or posts that I read that I think are informative and awesome. I pretty much stopped posting photos now because no one cares. I get hit with the feeling like people think I am stupid, or something. It mainly happens when I have posted things that are my special interest about science or math (numbers) only to see other people post it months later as a new revelation. I find it ironic that they would miss my post when they were on FB at the same time. It’s possible, but after it happening several times it makes me wonder. The other thing is they do nothing at all, they say nothing. And I get all out of sorts because I cannot understand why no one would comment on something so amazingly, awesomely, way cooler than anything else going on in the world. Or at least click the “like” button.

Hello!

I do not know why I automatically think they must me ignoring me, or think that I must not understand what I am posting. I don’t know what my problem is. It is all social confusion, I guess. It does not help my “Angel is invisible and does not really exist” feelings; I will say. I cannot bring myself to defriend anyone though. It would hurt me too much to defriend them. (insert over-the-top eye roll here) I think my biggest problem is that I do not understand what people mean by their words. Let me make it clear this is a limited number of people that I am referring to, but it only takes one to send me into a mind spiral of confusion. I have gotten a lot better with this though it still can happen. The bounce back for my brain is much quicker now. It seems that I have a group of “friends” who use FB as a Passive/Aggressive Wonderland. On my dad’s side of the family there are hidden messages in their speech. I have always been confused by it and only figured out this was happening a few years ago without true comprehension…until this past year. However, the damage has been done. I ended up with friends and significant others who did the same thing to me. They would all get frustrated and upset at me when I didn’t do the “hidden” thing that I was supposed to do.

It is all so confusing.

It happened in other social dynamics too. I could not tell their tone, or what their non-verbal cues were so I did not do what was expected of me. I did not say what I was supposed to say. I find a lot of that stuff going on FB with certain personality types. I understand that now, some people I am perfectly fine it is the handful who throw me and get me all confused. I have learned my lesson and stay off of there when I am mentally, or emotionally exhausted. I know better than to read certain people’s posts or I just hide them when I’ve had enough. I didn’t realize why I disliked FB so much until today. It is not FB really it is the fakeness that comes out on there. It is the high school-ish feelings of being left out, ignored, not part of the “in” crowd. I have never been in the “in” crowd. I am all over the place. I am my own crowd with all my imaginations and whatnot’s.

I like all kinds of people who are real and enjoy speaking their minds without judgment.

I get bent out of shape when I read comments that are judgmental, or condemning of other beliefs and ideas. It can send me into a frenzy. I recall one instance that happened with my cousin. (However, not limited to one that would be another reason for my lack of commenting or posting on FB.)They posted something about the U.S. being a certain type of nation — I pulled up a study with graph charts and everything and proved that they were incorrect. They deleted my comment. I emailed and asked why my comment had been deleted, they said that it “Deterred from the message that they were trying to make”. The message was unequivocally WRONG!

It did not matter to them at all.

What they believed, which is dividing and casts people of different beliefs into a “we vs. them” category, was more important than trying to bridge the divide. I was not rude about it I shared with a “Why don’t you think about this?” kind of attitude. This is another reason why I have to stay off at times. When people put up their views as absolute, but will not even consider a discussion. They will not consider in the least bit that there are other people who may be offended or even hurt by their posts. It makes me want to give a grand history lesson about our country, or send them the cycles of U.S. History  (The cycles is a theory, but it is very interesting and it helped me to see some of my black-and-white thinking.) so they can study for themselves where they fall into. Sigh…Not to condemn or judge, but in hopes that their eyes could be opened to seeing people instead of labels. I would like to send them a lot of different things. I will not share them all here today in hopes of not getting sidetracked.

It hurts too badly sometimes to see judgmental and harsh posts of any kind.

I know I can be too sensitive that is why I have taken to controlling my FB personal account when in “hypersensitive” mode. It drives me batty to see those things — it really sends me when I know information about their own lives that could be judged by the same harsh terms, but they would be deeply hurt if someone were to do so. I do not think it is right to judge them either, but I am making a point here. Despite all of that I still find some great pleasures on there as well. I “like” quite a few pages. I have my world of musicians, poetry pages, philosophy, sciences, various blogs, and other aspie’s that I thoroughly enjoy seeing on my facebook page. I like how I can go on there and see new music, see how my aspie’s friends are being silly, or autism parents sharing what their day is like with their child(ren) on the spectrum. It helps me to see that there are others who are experiencing the same things I am in a day. I like going to my Twitter account and reading great links, and finding new resources. My mind can get so consumed with things and I forget that I am not alone in this. Facebook and Twitter have helped me feel connected and for that I am thankful. Google+ well that is a little secret right now….

It makes me feel a bit better knowing that others are on Facebook all up in their Twitter too.

My recent FB interactions have stirred me to rewatch certain documentaries.

Purple State of Mind: Official Film Trailer

God In America

I cannot remember if I have shared about Generation Theory before I was fixated on it a couple of years ago and I constantly see connections to it. I find it very captivating indeed.

Life Course Associates (Strauss-Howe website theorists responsible for Generation Theory)

Generational Theories by Strauss and Howe

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Friday I was completely exhausted, mentally and physically. My body retaliated all week (still is) and I finally gave into some medication. I am always apprehensive because I never know what will work, and my body responds in strange ways to medicine. I caved and tried some extra strength Bayer, it has been working at least I have been able to get some sleep. I was very excited about going to see the play Into the Woods with my mom and sisters. I was unable to sit still so I went outside with my iPod shuffle, it was rainy and a little cold, but it was SO cool! (They were coming to pick me up.) I watched the small rain midst shower down through the light of my lamp post in my yard. (I really like the lamp post so does Daniel.) The lines of water showering down, in the light, against the black sky, to music was a very happy moment for me.

I tried to control myself from dancing because of my shoulder, but I could not.

It helped me to be calm while I waited. My interactions with my sisters can be very negative or very positive. When my mom is in the midst of the dynamic it is all very strange. I am not sure how to explain it. Since I am the oldest by birth, but not the oldest by same mother/father sibling there is a weird kind of atmosphere that takes place with my eldest of the two sisters. The same thing happens with my eldest of the three sisters with my dad and step mom. With these particular sisters there is an odd dynamic because I took care of them a large portion of their young lives. I was with them all the time, watched them, took care of the house, and had the mom role. My mom worked a lot of hours during their lives and was unable to spend a great deal of time with them until about their teenage years. Long(er) story.

In their eyes my role was confusing because I was sister/mom.

To be honest it was confusing for all of us. I managed my mom’s emotions as much as possible and was the go between with them for a long time, until I left. Still any time in the past or even now I feel the need to explain my mom’s behaviors because my sisters get upset or confused. The funny thing is that my mom does the same thing for me with them when I am not around. We understand each other even if we do not understand how it feels, or we do not feel the same way. We know how to explain each other’s behavior to others. Our ability to do this with true understanding and acceptance has only happened in recent months. My mom and I may have been able to explain each other, but not because we had a comprehension of why. We understood from patterns we observed in each other that certain things would cause meltdown/shutdown. We were trying to control our emotions as well as everyone else.

Our acceptance of each other is new.

AS(pergers) has explained a lot for us and has cleared up a lot of past hurts between us. My sisters forget, kind of… um, still unwilling to accept that my mom and I are on the spectrum. Both mom and I are going in for a diagnosis because if it is not AS what is it? All signs point to AS, but there could be a chance of something else and we need to know. I know, I know I am SO sidetracked lately. I have a lot to process. They arrived and my sister whose birthday it was started to get out of the front seat to let me sit. I thought that was strange, I told her I would sit in the back. She asked: “Are you sure?” How silly! I said: “Of, course, silly!” I sat in the back with my sister who loves skeletons and vampires, and anything dark and creepy. (Yes, I was blamed once again that night for her love of “creepy” things.)

We headed out and were completely silly.

My mom was playing a Frank Sinatra CD. My sister who is a complete Hip Hop/Reggae fanatic also LOVES Frank Sinatra. We are all musically eclectic. (Thanks mom ) I started laughing at some of the lyrics. We were just plain silly. I couldn’t stop snorting – that made everyone laugh. I have a contagious laugh I have been told on several occasions. The playhouse was crowded and small. We did not know what to expect because it is never easy to tell how things will turn out around here. We got into our crammed seats, and the buzz of talking was a lot. The smell of people was driving me crazy. It was all too close, I was glad that I sat between my two sisters because otherwise I might not have made it so close to strangers who smell like perfume or who breathe on me!

The whole play was awesome!

The actors were great performers. I was very impressed with how professional and talented they were. I absolutely loved the play. If you have not heard of it, basically it takes several of Grimm Brothers fairy tales and mixes them all up and twists them into one storyline. I love fairy tales, myths, Aesop’s fables all of that I love it! So does “creepy” loving sister. My other sister was getting very annoyed with all the singing and stuff and started getting very negative. In the past I would have gotten very upset, but instead I ignored her. I was having too much fun. The clapping didn’t even bother me sometimes I have to cover my ears when people clap. The acoustics was just right though so the voices sounded fabulous and it all felt muffled in a good way. It wasn’t as daggering into my ears. At the end I clapped and clapped and yelled:”YEA!” I was bouncing in my seat. My sisters just laughed at me, this behavior is not new. It is new for me to realize that I am doing it though.

It has made a difference to know why people are looking at me funny.

In their world rightfully so, I am a grown woman who seems to be acting like a child. My negative Nelly sister was annoyed with the song Into the Woods that I could not resist singing during the intermission and changing the lyrics. It helped her to laugh and start making up her own lyrics. The video I shared has the ending the song as well. The message made me tear up, but I am not sure why it moved me so much. The “Children will listen” thing really got me. By the time it was over my mom hightailed it out of there. She ran over several elderly folks and left us in a dash. My sister’s thought she went to the restroom because she always has to go pee. Sorry she does it is of high frustration while taking her anywhere.   We stood by the restroom waiting, but then she came zooming up to us and said: “Come on! I was already outside.”

Here is where I realized my role with clarity.

My sister got angry. She is an emotional person — everything is said out of pure emotion. She started saying some negative things, and then said: ‘I am never going anywhere with any of you ever again!” Kind of loud. She said: “I hate this, she always acts like this. She always gets all mad and then storms out of wherever we are.” (Referring to my mom) I told her that I didn’t think mom was angry at all. I explained that she HAD to get out of there. It was crowded, loud, confining, and mom freaks out if she feels trapped. It was surprising she made it through the play because she felt trapped the whole time. My mom was exhausted, it was 11pm she had been up since 2:30 am, she worked a full day unloading a truck (she is 56), and she is normally in bed no later than 8 pm. My sister was frustrated because she had to get up at 4 am and make two wedding cakes the next day.

I explained that mom was not doing anything toward us.

I tried to explain to her why mom was acting the way she was. My sister was not accepting it I started singing the song “Into the Woods” with lyrics about her pissy attitude. (Sorry that is the best word for it.) I then cuddled up on her shoulder because we ALL hate that! NO TOUCHY! All four of us do not like being touched so what better way to torture her. Since I was inflicting the torture I was alright with the touching. She was able to snap out of it because who can stay angry while a grown woman dressed like Amelia Earhart in her amazing black knee-high boots and black scarf singing silly songs; skipping down the middle of the road; is proclaiming her love for you? Come on! In the midst of all of this my mom who was speed racing to the car and completely oblivious to my raging sister said: “Man, I just had to get out of that place. I felt like I was trapped!” I looked at my sister with a “See!” look.

On the way home we continued our silly songs.

I shared with them the reasons for my several occasions of random outburst of laughter while everyone else was completely silent. It was made clear from the beginning that if we felt the need to laugh by all means do it, and I did! Like the time they went to a new scene, all was dark, the lights came on and there was a lone stump of wood. I started laughing loudly and covered my mouth. The thought that popped through my head was “Got wood?” Why? I don’t know. Before the show started, I was digging around in my purse for gum and found a fork instead. I pulled out my fork and asked: “Do you want a fork?” This is why I don’t go out much. Ha ha ha I meant both of them literally, but I understood from past experience that other people thought of it differently. That was the reason I laughed so hard about the wood I was laughing at seeing my naïvety.

I don’t remember putting a fork in my purse.

I do put strange things in there… often. I realized how much I am the go between with my mom and sisters — I am mostly the comic relief. That is my role a lot of the times. Not in this situation, but in many others I can see where I pushed down any of my feelings, stopped my words so I could bring laughter and peace to a situation. I am very thankful for all of these experiences that have come about this week. It has helped me a great deal in understanding my unhealthy patterns, seeing my new healthy patterns, and gaining a little freedom from anxieties that used to debilitate me. See it, learn from it, and move on. I tell you what though I will always believe in fairy tales. And maybe that night I encountered Zennyo Ryūō.

I was very giddy and found that the song playing was quite fitting.

 Young At Heart — Frank Sinatra

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you’re young at heart.
For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you’re young at heart.

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I have had an eye opening week — in several ways. I have learned that I definitely need limitations with social activities I knew this before, but I needed to stretch myself, and the kids. I also learned some more about friendship, and myself. I am apprehensive in relationships because I have had friends turn on me in an instinct. I have had relationships (including family) where people were not honest, or they played games by emotionally manipulating me and I was clueless. (I say was, but I am still clueless though a little wiser.) I had friends this week do some pretty caring things for me and it made me stop and think. I do not know how to be accepted by others. I found myself dumfounded during moments this week. I have spent all of my time trying to be accepting of others, and now I have been working on trying to accept myself. It has been a new challenge and slightly awkward to accept being accepted by others.

I have not had many “real” friends at all.

I saw with complete clarity that my one friend that I have here is the only girlfriend in real life (I am excluding internet friends, but I have never mirrored you either. ) who I did not mirror to some extent. I did not take on any part of her identity — she never made feel like I needed to. I know it has taken a long time for me to understand that she and I are friends that we are actual very good friends. I realized how much time and consideration she has taken to get to know me. I have done the same with her, but I have never felt an equal involvement in a friendship before. I was usually fulfilling a need, or role for the other person. I didn’t know what a mutual friendship looked like. I had several of my friends do this for me this week. They have been kind, and understanding toward me. It was kind of overwhelming. I was not sure how I felt about it at all.

This particular friend is going to my mom’s Bible study every Thursday.

I am going this month until my dance lessons start back up in March. (Hopefully) I was completely off on Thursday because I was tired and my shoulder/arm was hurting very badly. I ended up being late and it was an awkward night anyway. Something felt off, but I was not sure what. One of the ladies was upset about something that manifested into a rant about all of her political and lifestyle views that she claims are the Biblical way. She isn’t normally like this and it upset me very much. I kept my mouth shut as much as possible, but there was a quote in the book that we were using that ended up being quite appropriate. I read it out loud, gave my perspective, and hoped that she would see how much she was operating in the negative ways that the quote was saying we should not be. I am not sure she did, but the other ladies got me. I am completely off topic here I have to share the quote though because I think it is very good.

“In God’s community things are different. People are treated with full dignity and respect — no hurting, no hurling, no hoarding, no attacks, no withdrawing.”

As she sat spewing all of her anger, and judgment I saw many people that I have experienced who claim these very words of this quote while attacking those who are not part of their “group” in the same breath. It disturbed me very much. I had a whole rant that I took out here because I am trying to stay focused. Back to my original purpose. My friend knew how much this upset me and her calm nature helped me a lot. It also helped that she spoke her mind as well — she is much more diplomatic than I am. She was brought up in the church so she knows how to word things to not sound as aggressive as I do sometimes. I did do pretty well overall. I had a big moment as well because I did not doubt my feelings. I have strong opinions about the areas and people the woman was attacking, but in the past I would have doubted or questioned my opinions.

It has helped me a great deal to be in an online community that is so accepting.

It has helped a great deal to read, and see that other people feel the way I do. Not because we agree, we may have differing opinions or ideas in other areas, but it is ok and allowed, most of all it is respected. (However, a lot of us seem to be very accepting because we have all been the outcasts and the misfits at some point if not still in our life. It makes us very empathetic towards those who we see as being attacked unjustly, or because of their differences.) For the first time this week I have experienced accepting the acceptance of others. Do you know how hard that is? My friend talked to me a little bit after the study she apologized for not being able to stick around and talk some more, she then looked at me and said: “I miss you.” I heard her, but didn’t know how to respond. I miss her too. The words were too hard to say. I started blabbering about something I am not sure and she stopped me, looked right at me and asked: “Did you hear me?”

I need people to do that for me sometimes.

I looked at her and said: “Yes, I heard you.” I then forced myself to say the words: “I miss you too.” I then said: “I want to hug you.” I did want to and I did hug her. Too much hugging this week! My words were not forced because I didn’t mean them. They were forced because I DID mean them. When I say words that are directly from my heart it is physically painful and awkward. The words can cost me nothing if I have categorized them in a certain way in my mind, but if I say them from my heart it takes a piece of me with them as they come out of my mouth and vaporize into the air. There is now a part of me existing into the universe and I do not want those words that are so painful to give to be for not. Does that make sense? Maybe I sound silly. It does hurt though to say meaningful words like that. I feel too exposed and vulnerable. I feel this all the time with my poetry or stories. I feel more exposed in sharing that part of me because those words are usually straight from my heart even if I do not understand them when I write them. I get really panicky about some of my posts on here, but the more I’ve shared the easier it has gotten.

I had an epiphany.

It was the first time that I ever noticed how much those words meant to her too. I understood that she really does care about me. She really does miss me. She really is my friend. It was kind of mind-boggling this week to have so many positive experiences. I have been getting over my “commenting” anxiety as well and stepping out on other blogs because I know how much it costs to put personal experiences out there and I also have related to a lot of them. I still have anxiety about it that is why I love the “like” button some days.   I admit though I have not had so many people be nice and so accepting before and it is a little hard to comprehend. In my life I have not experienced a lot of encouragement or positive interactions. They have mainly been one-sided mostly on my part having to mirror in order to be accepted. I would then, explode because I couldn’t keep up the façade anymore. Being allowed to be myself and being accepted is a lot to take in.

Don’t get me wrong it is awesome — it is just hard to accept being accepted!

P.S. I do not want to use semicolons anymore. I do not like the way they dangle on my page. I have taken to the dash. 1) Because I like saying dash. 2) Because it is straight and horizontal. 3) Because everyone knows that the semicolon is on its way out. (This is my punctuation humor.) I have started to get anxiety about my grammar again so…I had to let myself off the hook (again) about my grammar and such with this blog otherwise I will spend days editing. AND it still will not be right. :-/ I have to get it all out and let it go. It’s true though I am not sure how I feel about the semicolon anymore…. Hee hee (I only do this grammar thing to myself I am never like this for other people.)

Phenomenology of Punctuation

In Search of the Semicolon

Save the Semicolon

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Wednesday was surprisingly calm. I had anticipated a few more meltdowns, or squabbles because of “conversation confusion”. The conversation confusion that happens around here can lead to some serious verbal throw-downs and at times doll accessories or Hex Bugs being tossed. Ok, those items did get thrown, but not in the usual “I am mad you because you confused me with what you said, and I do not understand why you would say that” type of way. It was all sensory processing and coming down from the anticipation of the wedding only to rise back into anticipation for the movie related. What I mean by verbal throw-downs a recent conversation between Joshua and Ariel:

Joshua: I need a red Lego for my ship. (Sound of digging through Lego’s ouch to my ears.)

Ariel: That is not a red Lego.

Joshua: Yes, it is red.

Ariel: No, it’s  not it is dark red.

Joshua: It is red.

Ariel: Look, it is dark red this one is red.

(Compare two different Lego’s indeed one is darker.)

Joshua: Just get away from me, you are overloading me.

Ariel: It’s not red! It’s dark red.

Joshua: (Hands over ears) Leave me alone.

Ariel: (tiny fists clenched) Arrrgggg! (run to room and curl up with dragons)

I get everyone calmed down and we have a lesson on color perception, and how it is ok to call things simply one color. Ariel thought she was helping him, and Joshua didn’t understand why she was interrupting his Lego play, plus he felt he was correct because technically it is a shade of red that he felt everyone else would call red too. (They are both correct.) Verbal throw-downs are like that. Sidetracked much? I already had a feeling that David taking Ariel and Joshua to see Star Wars: Episode I in 3D was not going to go well, but I also knew that he really wanted to do that with them. I knew that they really wanted to go as well. I had already anticipated they would not make it through the whole film.

We have only been to the movies once.

We saw “Up” at AMC it was a “Sensory Friendly Film”. It went well Daniel made it through most of the movie, but it was the aftermath that was too much. It took days for all of us to recover. The last church we were going to is (“is” because they are still there) in a movie theater like that and every week it was loud, had too many flashing lights, the smells, the carpet designs, the arcade room, and on and on the sensory consuming mass took over our brains and it would take a few days to recover. AND that was not even watching a movie! I knew Ariel would be ok, even though she would not be afterwards. Joshua is another story. The poor little guy has to wear the noise cancelling headphones when sitting at the table to eat. I feel for him– I can’t even eat at the table. (Eating at tables with people can be very hard for me on multiple levels.) He gets overloaded at crunching, or any other mouth noises you can think of. He is the loudest and most high-pitched, but he cannot handle it if someone else is.

He gets so upset with Daniel sometimes.

Daniel will be breathing too loud sometimes, not to the rest of us, but to Joshua. Joshua gets exhausted and frustrated with sounds and too much visual stimulation. If his circuits are all scattered I cannot understand a word he is saying. It turns into high-pitched “wahsakhiiahiajgkj;aslkdguigh;”and I am all “What? I can’t understand you.” This turns into Joshua screaming like this: “Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!” and running into his room, shutting the door until he has calmed down. He then has either forgotten what he was saying or he is able to speak clearly. It is not a happy time for any of us. The great thing about Joshua is that he does his scream or voices his frustration and is able to go back to his normal happy self. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, when he feels like he has hurt someone’s feelings or if he feels like someone has treated him unjustly.

Focus, Angel. Short version. (HA!)

I told them they had to wear their headphones — Ariel said she couldn’t because they were choking her. Yes, they were on her head and not on her neck. We had to come up with an alternate noise canceller. We found a Scooby-Doo head wrap and a pink, green, and white striped hat. (Ariel and I both love this hat it has a cool tassel ball on top. I have such a small head that I can wear her hats. ) I got over my anxieties about them leaving and was happy that they were able to go. Daniel and I had planned on reading some of the new books we got, make a Hex Bug book, play some games on the Hex Bug site, and of course play with Hex Bugs. Because everyone knows that Hex Bugs are the only thing in the world that matter. AND they have an awesome website that is way fun. I mean… Daniel really loves them. He does I like the website. Ok! They go around and around through hexagons! Their home is hexagons! Who doesn’t love that??

David and the kids left.

Daniel was a little upset and didn’t understand at first why he couldn’t go. I explained to him again where they were going and asked if he wanted to go see a movie. He said that he did not, but he had tears in his eyes. He was getting upset and trying to rub the tears away. I asked him if he was worried because he asked about the car, he said no. I asked him if he felt left out he said no. I asked him if he knew what he was feeling he said no. He was getting very frustrated with the tears and started throwing his body, getting ready to go into a meltdown. He buried his head in my lap and started to get a little aggressive so I asked him to please sit up. I told him that it was ok to cry, and this stopped him. He looked at me and asked:”Why?” He then asked: “Why am I crying?” I told him: “I don’t know, but it’s ok to cry. Mommy cries all the time.”

He kind of giggled, then smiled, but tried to hide it.

I told him sometimes we just need to cry and it makes us feel better. He accepted this, the tears stopped, and we played Hex Bugs and finished our other plans as well. However, the phone rang; David and the kids were coming home. Joshua started getting a headache. I think they made it through 1/3 of the movie. I knew that Ariel was very upset I could feel it through the phone. When they walked in the door they had just realized they left her hat at the theater. Not good. David forgot she had it because she took it off. She ran into her room. I went in there with her and held her. Daniel wouldn’t leave, and he was smiling and laughing and looking at her. I asked him if he was trying to make her feel better and he said: “Yes!” He was very worried about her, but an outsider would have thought he was being insensitive. He was not he was showing empathy his way.

He bounced on her bed, and then got her Hex Bug for her.

She did not want the Hex Bug, but he was trying to help her. He tried to tickle her too. She was completely shutdown in my arms. She then started crying uncontrollably. I asked Daniel to go get some tissues for her and he did. He then sat on her bed and talked about her dragons trying to make her happy. She was not listening she couldn’t. I asked her if she was upset about the movie and if she wanted to go back. She could not answer and she had no idea why she was crying. I know that part of the reason for the tears was that the plan got messed up. It threw everything off even though I tried to prepare her that they may have to leave. She was upset at Joshua, but felt bad for feeling upset because he could not help it. She was overloaded from going to the wedding the night before, and from the movie theater. She wanted to see the movie so badly though that she didn’t care. I just held her for about 15 minutes while she sobbed.

I had gone through that the day before.

I had my own social anxieties on Tuesday that I had not considered because I was feeling so calm, and happy from the positive experience at the movies. I was handling my anxiety in a much more positive way, but my brain was still processing all of the movie experience and processing the anticipation for that evening. I had my crash Tuesday afternoon. Ariel had her crash Wednesday evening. I always forget to think about how much energy it takes for us to process our whole environment. I forget how much additional time it takes to process. I am aware of our sensory and social issues, but when I am not in a panic I think everything is fine. I tend to forget that I will still be affected. I can remember this for the kids, but I forget for myself. The idea of processing is understood, but I forget that everything is taken in. In the movie theater alone, I took in smells, visuals, details in the carpet, I noticed the light fixtures that were broken, I noticed the woman next to me was wearing beige boots, with white socks, and she had short black hair (she came in when it was dark), I heard buzzing, and saw flashes, and I was consumed in the emotions of the movie and every detail with that.

I am stopping there, but I could go on in greater detail.

I know that the kids go through this, and it is especially difficult for the kids to understand why I do not let them go to certain places that are full of sensory stimulation. It seems like I am being cruel at times by not letting them go places or do things, but I have to weigh the consequences. They are not able to explain their social anxieties right now, but I am seeing some of the signs. This week is one of those times that I knew we all had to experience new things, but I also prepared myself for outcomes like leaving the movie early, meltdown/shutdowns, and tears. Ariel was able to cry it out and be ok. She and David will attempt the movies another time alone. Joshua came home and built all the ships that he did see in the short time of watching the movie they were pictures in his mind.

This whole crying thing is good for all of us to accept.

I had to let all my tears out the other day; I did have a few yesterday as well. I cried because my brain was processing, my body was trying to recover from the heightened emotions and the chemicals that are soaring through it. I was on a complete happy high, so of course to balance it out my brain is going to produce the chemicals needed to bring balance. We all do this, but for those of us with sensory and anxiety issues it is like a double dose. I think it could be why some of us get diagnosed as Bipolar. Just a theory. Everything worked out and we are all back to our overloaded normal selves. I am quite exhausted, but I am happy to report that I am not feeling depressed or down. I have listened to my body and have taken recovery time. I have not condemned myself for sitting and watching a movie. We all did what we needed to do in order for our brains to process. I think we will wait a bit longer for Joshua to go to the movies. Ariel will have to go soon though because she is still a little bummed about that.

Lesson for this week:

“Tears are a release and can be a good thing.” They do not always reflect emotions, but they can be the body’s way of release when you do not know how to regulate your sensory or social world. I know I accepted this about myself…kind of. I will help the kids accept it too. I do ask for some prayers, happy thoughts, positive vibes, or whatever because my entire right shoulder feels like it is ripping off of the bone. I am not kidding some serious pain up in here. It is progressing to my neck and a little in my arm. It gets worse when I lay down. No likey! I am going to a play tonight I hope it starts to ease, it has been hurting for a few days now. It is making it difficult to type, do laundry, basically anything, but it’s not stopping me, I probably should rest it. I am not good at resting. Oh! I got a picture of the cake from the wedding, (I took it off of fb I don’t think they would mind.) and other pictures from the day. And a frog I found last night. And a picture of a dragon that Ariel drew with her eyes closed…Ok, I am done, really.

[Show as slideshow]

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Finally! Mom and I got to go to see the movie The Artist. I know, I know I have been talking about it a lot. I REALLY wanted to take my mom, and I REALLY wanted to see it too. It surpassed all expectations for me. I cannot express how awesome it was. The details that were filtered throughout were incredible. Mom and I both wondered how many people caught them. Some of them were faintly embedded while others were so blatant that it could be missed because it seemed to blend right in. I am not giving anything way.

The storyline was fabulous.

The actors were wonderful, I could not take my eyes off of the screen except or a few parts where it was spinning. My vertigo was getting triggered. There was also a scene with close-ups of mouths that freaked me out and I could not look at that. It was an added detail though that made the movie brilliant. I just have a thing about mouths being all up in my face. Actually I have issues with people’s mouths anyway I try not to look too long at them because it freaks me out. Lol! My mom watches mostly black-and-white films. She does not venture far from her oldies movie channel. She does enjoy other movies — she has gone and does go to the movies with my sisters often.

They like chick flicks, and romantic comedies, and stuff like that.

It is very amusing for my mom to like romantic comedies nowadays because she flat out says she does not understand “love”. I am not sure her reasoning for liking the flicks, she says she just likes them, but my sisters have to explain why people are acting a certain way, looking at each other a certain way, or she is surprised to discover that the main characters in fact are in love. They get quite annoyed with it. I can do the same thing with movies, and shows. I can watch it and have no idea what is going on with the social situation. I tend ask questions a lot with social dynamics.

Maybe that is why I like odd movies or tragic love stories, I understand those. Ha ha ha

Anyway it was halfway through the movie and my mom leans over and said: “Oh, this is black-and-white” I started laughing. She then got excited because other people were watching a black-and-white movie with her. She sees black-and-white movies in color. She describes everything she sees in those films and I must say her colors sound much better than the colorized versions of some old films. She does not like them colorized, she finds it offensive. Hee hee She asked me questions about what the characters were doing too. She didn’t understand some of the facial expressions, but she knew most of them. I did not understand one time, I wasn’t sure if George was upset, overwhelmed, confused, mom said that he was upset because he felt like Peppy was giving him charity.

He felt worthless.

She had helped him out of caring for him, but he didn’t know that. My mom asked me if George and Peppy liked each other. She couldn’t tell what their feelings were. I said: “Yes, they loved each other.” It made me doubt my interpretation, and I had to scan over the movie in my mind. This is kind of a pivotal thing I need to grasp, if others do not see or feel what I feel I assume that I am wrong. I especially, do this with love. I have been surrounded with people my whole life who have told me that I am wrong about how people feel about me, or that I am wrong about emotions. However, I later discover that I was right on many occasions. It can confuse me, and cause me to doubt myself very much. Back to the movie. The great thing about this story was that they made you feel true affinity. The connection was there, the affections were displayed and it was done in a tasteful most endearing way. I liked that a lot, I understood without a whole bunch of dialog confusing it for me. It made me smile. Both of the actors I thought were just beautiful.

I enjoyed both of their charm.

It was funny when I was explaining the relationship between the characters to my mom. I was explaining affinity, and the connection that they had. She finally said:”Oh, I get what you are saying. I just don’t get IT.” She was scanning through all of her relationships and could not think of one person she had that connection to. I have only felt it once, I am not sure if others feel it more than once or not. It was an interesting moment though. I looked at my mom and she seemed indifferent. She did not feel like she had missed out on that connection, you can’t miss what you have never felt and do not comprehend. I understand what she means I call it my “blankness” where I really have no connection to something, or comprehension of it. It is not that I am blank — I just cannot pull up anything in my data to compare it to. Does that make sense? I think mine is more about how people express them not so much that I do not get it.

No, no that is not true sometimes I am completely clueless.

I get it if I have a direct connection to it. I get it if I am able to take a scene from my own life and apply it to the situation. Otherwise, I am just like mom in being unable to “get it”. Both of us came to the conclusion that we both understood the majority of the film, and enjoyed it because there was no confusing dialog. Their faces were animated and expressed their emotion without unnecessary words. Their faces matched what was being expressed. The thing that confuses us the most in film and real life is the inconsistency between words and facial expressions. People have a happy face while giving hidden messages through their words, body language, tone, and all of that is confusing. We do not know what or how to read that. The movie was clear, direct, and silent so there was not the usual large amount of the background noise to filter through.

When we walked out of the theater we noticed how calm we were.

Normally, I am so overloaded after a movie that I dash out of there. I did not know in the past what all of the visuals before the movie did to me, and I did not know that all of the sounds, smells, and people affected my sensory. I would feel incredibly stimulated and excited for a few hours, and then I would crash and feel like I got stampede by a bunch of rhinoceros. Mom and I both were very excited after the movie and could not stop talking about it. We were asking each other questions like: “Did you see that one thing?” or “How awesome was that scene with the glass?” or “Oh, my that was an awesome shot!”

We both were amazed at how calm and happy were.

The normal response is “Let’s get home as soon as possible.” A major factor here as well is that my mom had one of the worst days. Her workday went wrong from the time she got there until she left. She said she should have had several meltdowns, but she did not. She kept telling herself that she was going to see this movie and she only needed to make to 1pm and get out of there. She was not a happy camper when she arrived here, but she was trying very hard. The movie lifted her spirits and gave her a lot of smiles. Me too.

The music was awesome!

I truly enjoyed listening to music while watching the movie. I did get all excited and was soft clapping, bouncing in my chair, swinging my legs, and squeezing myself tightly sometimes throughout the film. It just made me so happy. We both had the loudest laugh in the theater. It was not crowded, and it was an older crowd so that made it calm. I did not take my coat or scarf off the whole time. I was wrapped in my black fake fur, fuzzy coat that I have had for about 10 years now. I love it too much, and it is like a security blanket or something. I was freezing, while my mom was very hot. It was funny — my mom is normally freezing like me.

I am babbling.

I do not want to give anything away, but I have to share this story because it is so funny. There was a scene where George is going to kill himself — Peppy is racing in the car to get to him. She cannot drive and she is weaving and swerving all over the place. She ends up hitting a tree, but before you see that the screen has the word “BANG!” fill the screen. As mom and I drove home talking about the movie, our social skills, (lack of) and how it would be so much better if everyone would just pretend that we were in a silent film, my mom said: ‘Oh, look the color of their car matches their house.” I look up to see (I was fidgeting with something and not paying attention.) the medium that we were about to hit, and the only word that flew out of my mouth was: “Mama!” She looked forward swerved out of the way and parked the car.

We could not stop laughing.

I haven’t called her mama since I was a child — I don’t know where that came from. It caught her attention though and she did not run into the medium. My sisters get so upset with her for doing things like that. She has not been in a collision with a car, (collisions with other things yes.) but she is always getting sidetracked with things like that. Watch out if she sees an airplane the world stops. We both thought of the movie, and she said well at least we didn’t hear “BANG!” We both lost it again laughing until our bellies hurt because both of us saw the picture in our head at the same time of the word from the movie. It struck us funny that we both did it at the same time. We want to go see the movie again. I am so glad that we got to experience it. It felt good to feel “normal” in a movie for once, and to feel “normal” afterward as well.

I did get on a happy high, and then crashed, but I am doing pretty well this morning.

Except feeling a little awkward for sharing some of the silliness from my mind with someone, sometimes I need to think a little longer before sharing. BLAH! I guess this awkwardness too shall pass with that particular situation….Barn Wedding tonight! Lol! Another random thing from my brain. Google’s Doodle is awesomely-perfectly-wonderfully-stupendous today. Yea! Google Valentine! I will take jump roping any day and that valentine.

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Yesterday was a fairly productive school day. Although, we were a bit out of sorts because I was leaving for a little while in the evening, and Joshua was obsessively excited about being able to be with Daddy, watch Robotech, and play Batman on the Wii. Daniel doesn’t show the same interest or excitement with those things, but can be off or show signs of anxiety when I am going somewhere. Ariel has a settled kind of excitement, but it also can be hard to read her at times. She has the same type of “poker face” that I have — it can be difficult to know what she is feeling. Most of the time she seems very much at peace, when she is upset she does let us or whoever know. I think it’s all good. I am in the middle of writing a post about the poker face thing because I have been told that my poker face makes it hard for people to know what I am feeling or thinking. I didn’t realize that I have that face often, I thought I was expressing my emotions on my face.

I do not do it on purpose — it’s my normal face!

Don’t get me wrong Ariel shows her joy and happiness all the time. She is a very silly girl. She calls me out all the time too, which I find very amusing. I was being silly while making breakfast yesterday. I believe I was dancing and making up a song at the time or telling the cat how wonderful he was while rolling on the floor like a cat myself, and petting him. I can’t remember pick one — I will not share the other multiple silly things I did. She ate her toast and said: “You are a crazy mommy!” She tells me things like that all the time. She likes it, but she makes it clear that she knows I am different from other mommy’s. She says that it is a good thing, though if someone heard her tone they may not be sure.

She doesn’t show much affection either — in a “normal” way.

It is a very rare occasion when she comes up to give a hug, never a kiss. She never gives kisses — she does not like receiving them either. She does like to rub her face or head on my face. We are like a mommy cat and a kitten. I understand it. We do butterfly kisses (rubbing our noses) and she will curl up like a little animal on my lap while I pet her hair. She likes to pretend that she is an animal a lot. She acts like a dragon, a house cat or a wild cat most of the time. Her outward affections are limited at times, but she will show her love by drawing or painting a picture, or sitting next you. Normally she is quite busy doing her own thing, like “working” on the computer or reading a book. She likes being alone, she says that at times she HAS to be alone in her room for a while.

I give all of that information to bring understanding as to why yesterday was an unexpected moment.

After we finished school, I felt like I should hang out with the kids. I did have a movie that I was waiting to watch “Bright Star” it’s about John Keats and Fanny Brawne. (I did enjoy the movie very much.) I sometimes play movies in the background while I play with them, but I did want to focus on this movie a little more since I was very interested in the story. I asked the kids if they wanted to watch it with me, sometimes we get into some good history conversations when we watch period pieces. They do enjoy them a lot of the times and I try to tie in history about inventions, scientists, artists, or interesting things to them about the era while we watch. The boys were not into it, and they were playing very well together so they did their own thing. Ariel wanted to watch the movie with me. She asked me what it was about, and I told her. I was surprised by her interest. Her excitement was directed toward Fanny’s stitching and the cooking that was going on.

A little bit into the movie she sat next to me on the couch.

She grabbed a blanket draped it over her legs like me, my hand was resting flat on the couch, and she put her little hand in mind. We watched the rest of the movie holding hands and she talked and talked and asked question after question. There were many things in the movie that moved me, I have my own personal connections and even commonalities with the films story as well as John Keats real life story. Ariel is very interested in how the body works and disease, when the symptoms of tuberculosis started in the film she had all kinds of questions. I am not usually a big movie crier, but there are certain movies that can draw tears from my eyes. This one did a few times — it was the added emotion of words that were flowing. Poetry can draw great emotion from me — when I have connections to it I am fragile.

As we sat never uttering a word about the hand holding, I looked at her and seared the moment it in my mind.

She told me that she really liked the poem Bright Star. When the movie was over she did not leave my side. I went to check my email and she stood by me as I typed she read. I had written something about my blog and she asked me about my blogs. Since we were talking about John Keats I asked her if she wanted to see my poetry blog. She did and got so excited at all the images I had on it. She loved every image, and I laughed. She told that she wanted to read every one of my poems, and my regular blog too. I asked her if she knew why I wrote this particular blog. She thought that I just wanted to, she is correct to a point. I explained to her that one reason I write this blog is for them. I write it so they can go back and connect things from their childhood.

I have had so much confusion wrapped around my childhood.

My mom and my dad’s life seemed to be separate and disconnected from me. I want these guys to know what was going on the summer that I was crying all the time. I want them to be able to see what I was working through. I want them to have the connections of the times I was so excited and happy. I want them to know how proud I am of them, and hopefully my words will show them how much I love them. I fall short and will fall short in expressing myself to them. I want to have these words on here because when they get older it will most likely feel too hard to talk to me, but they may be able to relate to my words on here. If they feel like reading it, they could read about similar fears, angers, anxieties, and see that I am not an overbearing, unknowing mom. It may take years, but at least one day they would know. Of course, I write this for other reasons as well, but I do hope that my children will find it a helpful source and connection to their life. It made me feel very happy that Ariel was interested in my writing. It was like she knew about it all along but had not connected why I write.

There is a really amusing thing about Ariel.

When she spends time with you she confesses. She talks and asks questions, and then confesses. She begins to confess everything she has ever done wrong, or gotten in trouble for. It is a very short list because she is only 7 years and she doesn’t really do things to get into trouble. Yesterday she brought up the time she threw action figures in yogurt, tossed them all over the boy’s room, and then said that Daniel did it. It was about two or three years ago.

Her confession: “I know this was a long time ago, but you remember when I put the action figures in the yogurt, and blamed it on Daniel? Yes, that was really wrong. I understand now that I was lying and I do not do that anymore. Well if I do I will tell the truth because if you tell the truth it’s better.”

I do not know why she feels the need to confess, she cannot lie at least for the time being.

She tries, but then throws her arms up and says something like: “Ok, that is a lie!” she then spills the truth. I can relate completely! I think I may be babbling here. Sorry. She wants me to read her Keats today. I am overjoyed to do so. The moments yesterday were all unexpected, and it felt very special. In one scene of the movie Fanny turned her room into a butterfly farm, Ariel looked at me and said: “I want a butterfly farm — I know you would love it!” She is correct, I would love a butterfly farm. Now I have to share Daniel’s unexpected moment. I am sure Joshua will give me one today because he is full of Batman Lego obsessive building this morning and something great always comes out of that. Or if I make him a treat he will tell me how he will: “Never leave me because I make the best food.” He is awesome.

The other night I asked Daniel if he was ever going to sleep alone.

He said: “No”. Basically he told me that he was going to find a replacement for me when he got older. At first it was a bald man that he was going to sleep with. I asked him about this bald man because I was very confused. He couldn’t tell me much, but he was a nice guy… like Mr. Clean I guess. Ok?? I asked him why it was a bald man and he said because I like bald guys. Ok?? We do not know any bald men around here. :-/ Then he shook his head and said: “No, when I grow up I will have a woman.” There is some transition in his mind from getting older to being a grown-up that I am not able to quite understand, but he thinks I do. Kids say the funniest things. I really am not sure what he means by all of it, but he went on to describe the woman for me. He said that she is his wife. His description: “She has longer hair than you, the color of daddy’s. She has brown eyes like you mommy. She is tall like daddy. She has a man’s voice.”

Um…a man’s voice?

I was confused so I asked him what he meant. He clarified: “She has a man’s voice because she is as tall as daddy.” It was hilarious. I decided to see if anything had changed last night and asked him the same questions in front of David. He said the same thing. He described his future “woman” the same way. We asked him what he was going to do with her and the most unexpected, sweetest words came out of him. He said: “Love her and play with her.” He then sighed a little happy sigh, and had a small smile on his face. I was not expecting that at all. He later told me again about how he likes bald men, I asked him why he likes bald men and he said: I just do, ok.” Ha ha ha I hadn’t noticed until then, but he always points to bald men on TV or out in public and says: “They are bald.” He has a different kind of like for bald men as he does for his future woman. (wife) I don’t know I wish the kids would write out a blog for me so I could connect all of their connections and understand what is going on in their thoughts.

Aww…good times.

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Felicific [ˌfiːlɪˈsɪfɪk] adj making or tending to make happy

I am quite chipper today. I had a moment of realization about my emotions. They are not sneaking up on me like they used to. I am working through some anger issues — I have a lot to be angry about. I have years of bottled up anger I was not even aware of because of the other emotions that had kept me tied up. Many of my loops were actually caused by me trying not to be angry. In order for me to deal with my upsets I first had to deal with the hurts. Let me be more specific — I had to understand how terribly hurt I was. Once that was cleared out (Not that I am completely recovered I am just in a far better place.) I could see with clarity what some of the true issues were.

Unfortunately, it has opened years and years of hurt.

The hurt has now turned to anger. I am not really sure how to deal with it all, but I am doing much better with managing my emotions. I had a moment of tears yesterday, but they did not last long they were not as painful as they have been in the past. I was able to bounce back quickly. Granted I have been in a slight shutdown, but it has been a good processing shutdown. I am feeling pain, but it is different. I am not sure how to explain it. I have noticed as well that my anger emotions have been popping up. In the past if I got angry it was usually an outburst, like my last meltdown or it was a complete shutdown to hide anything I was feeling. Then, I would later explode through a meltdown of some sort. (I am not saying that I will never do that again, I may.)

I have not been suppressing them the last few days.

I felt the anger, I told myself that it did not have to ruin my day, and I let it go. This is huge for me. I have never been able to do that. However, I still feel the tinge of it in my heart because it was not completely resolved. I am not looping though. I am still feeling a mix of emotions from last night. I am currently filling out the necessary paperwork to have Daniel reevaluated. He will not get in until May, but I have to get everything all put together and in as soon as possible. It brought back all of the emotions I felt during the time that we started evaluations. I looked at the dates, and I was so frustrated. I was telling people that something was not right from the beginning. I knew that he needed help, but no one seemed to believe me.

I voiced my concerns to the doctor before he was even two years old.

I had forgotten that when he had his eating clinic evaluation they commented, “possible autism” and suggested occupational therapy. It brought a rush of emotions that were mixed with failure and anger. I felt like I had failed my child, I felt like I had not fought hard enough during those first few years, I felt like I had been abandoned and my voice didn’t matter by family, and authorities. BUT it was right there in front of us all. It also brings a mix of emotions for me with people who are resolved with all of that. I was not able to resolve anything including my emotions toward the people who I felt did not listen to me. It brings a baggage of emotions. It fuels rage with certain people. It reminds me of people saying awful things about why Daniel had autism. It flooded me with the fears, the doubts, the hurt, the frustrations, it brought everything back. I felt like I was drowning alone trying to help my son without a voice. The louder I screamed the more they drowned me out, even after we found out he was autistic.

It revealed how much I have not dealt with.

I am going to have to process all of that. I do not know what it will look like. The positive is that it has not caused me to go into complete shutdown. I am processing in a healthy way, with my new coping mechanisms. It is also making me very happy to feel this freedom. I have not allowed myself to be angry for a very long time. Part of the reason is that I was confused as to how I was supposed to deal with anger. I had a lifetime of hiding my anger and other emotions until they were unbearable and would burst out in some way. I did not allow myself because of how people responded. After working through some other emotions these several months, I accepted that I am allowed to be angry, feel anger, and express it in a constructive way.

I could not let the questions flooding my mind go.

The process that I have been going through felt too familiar — not because I have gone through it, but because I had read about it. This morning I recalled the process that I have been going through — I wrote a poem about it months ago. I hadn’t made the connection that I have been in a grieving process completely. I could very well have said in past posts that I was grieving I do not remember, but it did not make a true connection until today. I may have felt like I did grieve things and processed them, but I truly had not because I didn’t understand what that meant. I thought dealing with things meant you stopped looping about it until it came back around again. If/when it came back around I would stim, meltdown/shutdown until the loops stopped. They always came back sometimes not as intense sometimes they have been more intense, but I convinced myself that I was dealing with them.

I was dealing with them, I was not processing them.

I did process certain things I must say, but I also only dealt with things as well. I did not understand what grief was for a long time. Grief is normally connected to the extreme of loss, a loved one or a cherished pet passes away. It is not limited to that, and I would guess that Aspie’s tend to have more traumatic experiences when losing something important to them. I say that not based on the comparisons of trauma, but because we do not really understand what we are feeling at times. It could cause more trauma not understanding what or why we are feeling something. I would also guess that we grieve a lot differently than others at times. (Guessing based on myself, movies, and others I have read about.)

I believe everyone does actually, and I think it is horrible how there is a blanket of expectation how one should grieve.

Everyone needs their own way to process and deal with emotions. I express all of my emotions differently than other people. I had always assumed that grieving only went with major loss — I didn’t realize that many other things can fall under the grieving process. I have never gone through the process fully. I am at the anger stage with some things. I will add here as well that there is no formula to the grieving process the mind will process according to how it needs to. If you do not allow yourself to go through the process the emotions still manifest only through different means. In my opinion, what I have witnessed some people do instead of truly grieving is take the pain on as an identity and it becomes their new purpose in life. They now become advocates of whatever they are grieving. This can be a good thing if the person is grieving properly, it can be a bad thing if the person is hiding behind the identity. They begin to live vicariously through their made up persona of the “healed” self when they are not healed at all.

They feel they are healed because they are living on the “rush” of helping others.

These people can never be alone, they are usually evasive about feelings, and do not express any negative emotions. If they do, then the façade will crumble so they have to keep up appearances not just for others, but mostly for themselves. Maybe I did that who knows, (probably) but I am not now and it is making me feel very happy to look in the mirror and deal with myself. All of this has been and is painful, but it is also the feeling of felicific. (I just like that word and wanted to use it again.) I think it is important for people to understand what grief is and that it can be turned into a positive. Creativity can be at an all time high during a grieving process, and many great insights can spawn out of it. It is scary, it can be a long process, it can be overwhelming, and hurt like mad! Personally, after working through several things I have found so much peace, and positive things come out after the storm.

I am hanging on to that as I work through anger.

I found this to be very helpful Coping with Grief and Loss Understanding the Grieving Process. What truly helped me the most was this section:

What is grief?

Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. You may associate grief with the death of a loved one – and this type of loss does often cause the most intense grief. But any loss can cause grief, including:

A relationship breakup Loss of health Losing a job Loss of financial stability A miscarriage

Death of a pet Loss of a cherished dream A loved one’s serious illness Loss of a friendship Loss of safety after a trauma

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief. However, even subtle losses can lead to grief. For example, you might experience grief after moving away from home, graduating from college, changing jobs, selling your family home, or retiring from a career you loved.

I went through seven of those losses from years 2000 through 2002 a few of them more than once in that time span.

I never processed any of it. I completely shutdown. My sense of loss was enhanced by confusion — the confusion of rejection from multiple people who claimed to love me. I had all of that before I ever moved with David to another state, a state that I really did not want to move to. I then was hit with another round of losses that I never dealt with, to move here and add another round on top of those. I think part of the reason was that I had no idea what I was feeling, and I did not know how to process anything. I am not exactly sure how the sense of loss affects autistics, but I do know that we feel it, and it could be a lot more intense than what others feel. Yesterday Ariel was irate — she lost her temper and then got incredibly concerned. She had found a caterpillar in the backyard, she made a dirt hole for him, and sat on a blanket feeding him grass and leaves.

The boys accidentally mauled over it with the pretend lawnmower.

She was devastated, and had to go to her room for a while alone. She was not able to get over it so we explained that maybe he was ok, he could have made it and dug a hole or something. She calmed with that, but David did explain to her that the birds in the backyard may eat him. She seemed fine with nature running its course it was the unjust death that brought such devastating feelings of loss. She is fine with the bird eating it because that is what is supposed to happen, but to kill the caterpillar on her watch was too much to bear. It may seem odd, but in our world it makes perfect sense. She seems to have grieved her caterpillar. The moral of the story? Sometimes explaining things logically can help us grieve properly. Suggesting ways of dealing with loss instead of telling us how to process it could be very beneficial.

Understanding that we may go through a serious shutdown/meltdown at the loss of an object/people we love.

I was depressed for years at the loss of my parent’s relationship, and didn’t even know it. I went into a complete shutdown when my parents got divorced because they did not explain it to me in a way I could understand. It brought about more confusion by them saying that they still loved each other, but could not live together. It also was not the full truth, I didn’t find out the full truth until a few months ago. It cleared up so much and made it possible for me to move on. It’s been something like 35 years that I have been holding on to confusion about it, as well as feeling guilt for things I never should have. I was depressed for days one time when my computer shutdown. When I gave away my stuffed animals from childhood I cried. I didn’t let anyone know though. (I was 30 something) Anytime, I give books away I go through a grieving process. I am attached to them all. I have memories, people, music, letters, numbers, colors all connected to them.

I am intertwined with things that I love.

If they go I feel a loss that I have to be allowed to process without being criticized or ridiculed. When it came to those things I didn’t understand what I was doing, I just thought that I was upset or depressed. I see now that I had to process the loss, and file the memories. It can be alright as long as the process is not hindered or made more confusing by people trying to force their ways of coping onto me. There is a movie that I liked very much, I cannot recall if I have shared it on here. It is titled Snowcake (Warning: There is a collision scene with a truck and car that freaked me out when I saw it the first time. It still startles me.) Sigourney Weaver plays an autistic mother, who loses her daughter, and does not display the “normal” ways of grieving. I saw it a couple of years ago, and it touched me greatly as a film. It was painful to watch, but good for me as well. Here is the synopsis. I am currently at the stage of anger with things that initially were causing me anger when I first started this blog in 2009. I am ready to face them and bring some more peace to my mind.

And also learn better coping mechanisms for anger.

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Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

~Quote from the film Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Original quote from the book can be read here.

In the book the reds are compared to angst. Yes, that would be a good way to describe what Valentine’s Day has always been for me. It all started when I was but a wee little lad back in the hills of… Oh, wait. I mean it started in grade school. First off this “holiday” celebration has never made sense to me. It didn’t help that my mother thought it was ridiculous as well. I shall say it is ridiculous to us as we know it today, and the opinion is solely based upon the demand of cards with hearts, candies, or jewelry or whatever people do. I don’t know this is one of those times when I have been called cold and a BEEP! I love reading about the history of it though. At History.com they had a good quick read on the topic.

I do not mind if others enjoy it and get all the lavish, lovely gifts they want.

It’s not about that at all. I will go back to my childhood. While in school starting from Kindergarten up to 6th grade we were required to get valentines for the class. This was a huge source of anxiety (angst) for me. I had several reasons for this causing such a panic. I would completely forget about it, and then the teacher would start talking about it the beginning of February. We would begin to do crafts, and talk about the party we would have on that day. I would begin to get panicky when we started the crafts. I would get so nervous because my mom would ALWAYS forget to get the box of valentines that I needed. I would have to remind her every night. I cannot think of one single year she remembered. On occasions because of my complete anxiety freak outs she would take me to pick out my own.

The majority of the time she picked them out.

My mom does not put as much importance into words as I do so the cards she chose always fell short. Plus she would forget what the “in” thing was for the year and I would end up with “blah” types of cards. All of these things mattered since I was already the odd one in the class, my valentines would be a source of ridicule. I would get anxious because no matter how long I was in class with these kids I never remembered their names. The only kids that I would remember were the ones that I sat next to the whole year — even then I would have problems at times. I usually did not say anyone’s name. Another source of anxiety was that the people who made fun of me throughout the year were forced to give me a card and I was forced to give them a card. I would get confused if they gave me a card that seemed too nice. I would give them the most neutral one I could find.

I would comb over the cards.

I meticulously pulled them all out and read them trying to find the exact words that I wanted to say to each kid. I may not have remembered their names, but I had already studied each one of them. I knew who I liked and who I didn’t even if they never spoke to me. I liked them based on how they treated others or behaved in class. I also would observe their quirks, and things that I noticed that they liked. I would choose my cards according to what I had observed. As I sat with my list of names — I could remember their face as long as I had their names written down on a list in front of me. It would drive my mom batty when I sat there for hours writing out these valentines. All I was doing was writing their names, but it took forever. I was putting a lot of thought into the cards, and I took my time writing out their names neatly.

It was very hard for me to write neatly so I had to concentrate to do so. (Still)

She would tell me: “Just write their names and be done!” She didn’t understand that I couldn’t. I HAD to do it that way. These cards were supposed to reflect my feelings about this person as good as possible with a Loony Tune or E.T. valentine. OK! There was the additional stress of me getting cards. I would get the cards and some kids would purposely leave me out, or make fun of the cards that I gave them. As I read my cards I didn’t know how to interpret them. I thought that they all did what I did. I thought that the cards were extremely important and it was a day to set aside any ill feelings and give some valentine’s niceness. I did have a couple of people play tricks on me and tell me that a boy liked me or something. I never knew what to do with that.

I was able to pull off my coolness in front of them, but would go home and loop about it.

I would loop about it for days. I wondered if they were messing with me or not. It didn’t matter if the boy liked me — I wanted to know if they were messing with me. I couldn’t tell and it would drive me to panic attacks that I had to hide because my mom would not understand. I would hide away in my room, and cry because of the confusion. The confusion was (is) the worst part of all social situations. It hurts me deeply to be confused. I have spoken of this before, but it literally feels as if I can feel the disconnect going on in my brain. I desperately want it to connect, but it won’t and the only thing that goes through my head is: “I don’t know!” I can’t make me know either, it feels like circuits are leaping and I see black.

When I became an adult I continued to give valentines.

I enjoyed being in control of them. I enjoyed picking out kids valentines and giving them to people. It made people smile. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it feels good to get a valentine on that day. However, my attention to the valentines did not change and I would start looking at them the second they hit the shelves. I would finally make my choice, and then go through them to pick out the perfect ones for each person. I did this all the way up to my last job. (Technically not my last the last one only had three of us in the office, and I did not buy a box of valentines.) I believe I picked out The Simpsons, if I recall correctly.

It was something like 10 years ago.  

It doesn’t matter the fact is, I combed over each one and chose them specifically for each person. I used to get them scripture cards too. I didn’t do it to be all “spiritual” on them — I did it because I thought about them. I cared about them, and I wanted them to know. I couldn’t say those things, but I tried through making fudge or giving little cards and other little ways. I think part of the reason I did that was so no one would feel what I felt on that day. I do not celebrate Valentines like others do. I never want flowers, candies, jewelry, or things like that. My dad would get me stuffed animals, he got them for me until David and I got married. I wish he would send me a big huge stuffed owl, raven, or black cat!! Hee hee

I do feel a little bad for some of the guys in my past who tried to get me something on Valentines.

I usually got so angry at them because of the gifts or plans they had prepared because they had nothing to do with my likes or interests. I am pretty easy I do not know why it was so difficult. (UM…easy in getting gifts for! Clarifying.) Music or books one can never go wrong, unless it is some cheesy romance novel or if they got some sort of mainstream type of music. Well…that depends too. Ok, poetry? Alright anything black-and-white! (Almost anything) Ha ha ha I am just digging a hole here, I will stop.

I do try to make it a fun day with the kids, and we do some cool crafts and stuff.

I think it is so strange that I still get overwhelmed with that anxiety before and on that day. It seems so silly, but it was for a long stretch of my childhood. It did cause social trauma at times being picked on or being made fun of or tricked. It caused a lot of confusion. I would spend days reading the valentines I received wondering what the words meant based on the person’s previous actions towards me. That never helped. The party was frustrating because it messed up our schedule for the day, and every teacher would have it at different times of the day. As I got older it had added emotions that I did not understand. In high school it was a big deal for the girls, and they would receive crazy gifts like roses or boxes of chocolate. Then, they would act like they were all great or something because of what they got.

I found it all odd.

I do not recall what my boyfriend at the time did for me — I know it was not anything like that. It was all so confusing to me I blocked a lot during those few years in high school. Other people I dated tried to do nice things, but I know I said rude things about it not intending to be rude. I most likely said something like: “Why would you get me that? or “Why would you take me here?” or “I don’t even like that!” with a nice snarl face. Only to finally realize it at this very moment how incredibly hurtful that could be. Oops! Sorry fellas.   Yes, well that does not help my angst in the least! I am finished with this before I remember anything else. Despite my strange anxiety for the coming Valentines, I hope you all have the best day and get or do what you like! Presuming you will be celebrating that day…

So Happy Valentine’s Day early so I can eliminate some anxiety here. Lol!  

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I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

He basically described many things in my life, and I am sure many others out there who need some confirmation today would find comfort listening to this. He is focusing more on women and girls later in the talk. He mentioned how AS girls can escape into imaginary worlds, and have imaginary friends. It made me laugh because yesterday I was talking out loud as an owl and a raven. They were my friends telling me the story that I am working on. I know that they were not real. It is just how my mind works. It is so funny how this talk is confirming so much of what I wrote out about dealing with anger. I am making more connections. It was confirming about what I am currently doing to try to find new coping mechanisms. It is confirming about me being a whistle-blower, my sensory intuition, my spy like qualities , and many other things. It is a great talk. I recommend listening to it.

Ok, back to John Keats.

This site Keats’ Kingdom had interesting facts like “Keats when he became a published poet collected every scrap of paper containing his earlier poems and burnt them as he considered them to be awful.” Um…no comment. Here are some excerpts that I found interesting as well. I am going to add my comments and indicate them by beginning with *.

Sent to Fanny Brawne February 1820

“For some reason or other your last night’s note was not so treasurable as former ones. I would fain that you call me Love still. To see you happy and in high spirits is a great consolation to me – still let me believe that you are not half as happy as my restoration would make you”

- Shows how Keats could be very selfish and inwards-thinking. Jealous and demanding

* The author here claims that Keats is being “Jealous and demanding” I question that after reading about his life. From my Aspie perspective (which really means nothing I am just stimming) I would say he is confused by her seeming happiness without him. He does not want her to feel unhappy, he treasures her joy, but he needs to know that she is missing him as much as he is missing her. He is feeling intense emotions that he felt she was feeling as well. However, by her note he is unsure which causes him to doubt her feelings. This confusion my life has often been labeled as jealousy and being demanding. He was consumed by her. In past writings he made it clear that he was uncomfortable around woman. I will share more of that later.

I wonder how many Aspies have been accused of being jealous or demanding when the reality is, we do not understand the social dynamics going on. I also wonder how often we act out in this because like Tony said in the above talk we prefer one-on-one instead of multiple people. The addition of another person can cause confusion about the relationship, and the relationship with the additional person. Relationships are so difficult. Is it that when we decide to give someone our affections we expect the same amount in return? If we see them being happy with others it could make us feel inadequate to the relationship? I don’t know these are the thoughts popping in my head at the moment. I am writing this on the fly.

“My sweet creature”
“I wander at the Beauty which has kept up the spell so fervently”

- It is strange that Keats should refer to his muse as a creature rather than a woman. Later on, he suggests that she has bewitched him, and can’t understand why she’s captivated him so much.
Fanny must have been somewhat confused by this, as Keats paints a picture of himself as being in love with Fanny, but for no particular reason except that she’s bewitched him.

* I do not find this strange at all. I express my love through animals, nature, colors, or numbers in my poetry or stories. I am able to confess my real emotions through the way I see creatures, or the world. I am not sure he was expressing that he was bewitched, but possibly he was able to express his affections in that way because it felt safer. He had never been in love before, it could have been too overwhelming to say: “Fanny, I love you”. He could have been terrified of the words — only able to express them through poems that indirectly, but cryptically revealed his true passions.

It is far easier to express your love imagining a creature as your desire of affection rather than the actual person. The creature will not reject you, and possibly he was purposely being cryptic because it was his cherished love that he did not want tainted by anyone else. Possibly she was the only one who understood what he was saying. I do have a kind of tragic love story brewing from the owl and the raven so my imagination could be taking flight here, but I will not expose anything. This is too fun.

Sent to Fanny Brawne June 1820

“..as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night”
“You are to me an object intensely desirable- the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy”

- It’s clear that Keats is hopelessly in love with Fanny. But as the letter goes on, the tone changes, almost becoming patronising:

“.. you have a thousand activities- you can be happy without me”
“You do not feel as I do- you do not know what it is to love”
“Ask yourself how many unhappy hours Keats has caused you in Lonliness”

- He just assumes Fanny doesn’t care that much for him, or perhaps he’s trying to provoke a response so that he can feel better? (assuming she will be kind in her reply)

* I do not think he is trying to provoke a reply here. Maybe he is I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem to go along with his character. Imagine thinking that you would never find a person that you could have such strong feelings for, add being confused by the social dynamics of that species, to discover one has caught your affections and seems to have the same affections. It would be scary, and if you have been abandoned before, such as he was as a child it would prove to be very challenging to trust your emotions and those of the other person. I think he has found that connection that he had never felt before and he does not know what else to with it. It is confusing to see her happy without him when he is so miserable without her.

It is hard to explain for me with friends, and even family it has been difficult to understand how people are so able to move forward without me. I have felt like it did not matter if I was around or not. Surely they never cared for me as they said they did because they are perfectly fine without me. It is part of the “all or nothing” mindset. I am getting a lot better in this area, though it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. It is not that I want them to be miserable, I just want to know that they miss me, I matter, and that they think of me. Just as I think of them, maybe not as obsessively, but at least fleeting happy thoughts. Lol! (I am not always obsessive…really…ok, about people anyway. )

It’s hard to understand where I stand in relationships.

I have expressed it before that I need someone to tell me if we are friends I will not figure it out. Well after years maybe. Like my one friend here, it took me two years to finally understand that we are good friends. I didn’t know this until a few months ago. I figured since we had not seen each other in so long that we were done being friends. I just assumed that we were finished with any kind of friendship and let it go since I had not seen her or heard from her in a while. I didn’t have any ill feelings — I just thought well it was a good run for me. Wow, that sounds kind of strange now that I wrote it out. I’ll leave it. More on Keats…

I found these letters on this site John Keats and Fanny Brawn. 

Keats felt uncomfortable with women and contemptuous of them. In July 1818, he wrote:

… I am certain I have not a right feeling towards Women–at this moment I am striving to be just to them but I cannot–Is it because they fall so far beneath my Boyish imagination? When I was a Schoolboy I thought a fair Woman a pure Goddess, my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept though she knew it not–I have no right to expect more than their reality.

I thought them etherial above Men–I find them perhaps equal…. I do not like to think insults in a Lady’s Company–I commit a Crime with her which absence would have not known–Is it not extraordinary? When among Men I have no evil thoughts, no malice, no spleen–I feel free to speak or to be silent–I can listen and from every one I can learn–my hands are in my pockets I am free from all suspicion and comfortable. When I am among Women I have evil thoughts, malice spleen–I cannot speak or be silent–I am full of Suspicions and therefore listen to no thing–I am in a hurry to be gone–You must be charitable and put all this perversity to my being disappointed since Boyhood–. . .

I could say a good deal about this but I will leave it in hopes of better and more worthy dispositions–and also content that I am wronging no one, for after all I do think better of Womankind than to suppose they care whether Mister John Keats five feet high likes them or not.

* Hee hee I love it! I feel the same about certain women. Sorry it’s true, and I have felt the same about certain men. Indeed. The next part amused me very much. Not in a sick way, just in a familiar and comfortable way. He was soon to meet the love of his life Fanny Brawne which makes this whole story very tragic, sad, wonderful and glorious at the same time.

It is not surprising that he would rather not marry, preferring solitude, the life of the imagination, and the appreciation of beauty:

…I hope I shall never marry. Though the most beautiful Creature were waiting for me at the end of a Journey or a walk; though the carpet were of Silk, the Curtains of the morning Clouds; the chairs and Sofa stuffed with Cygnet’s down; the food Manna, the Wine beyond Claret, the Window opening on Winandermere, I should not feel–or rather my Happiness would not be so fine, as my Solitude is sublime.

Then instead of what I have described, there is a Sublimity to welcome me home–The roaring of the wind is my wife and the Stars through the windowpane are my Children. The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness–an amiable wife and sweet Children I contemplate as a part of that Beauty. but I must have a thousand of those beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds–No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me, and serve my Spirit. . .

Letter, Oct 1818

He goes on to explain, “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in. “

I had not read all about John Keats until yesterday.

I had read his poetry before, but I had not dabbled into his life. I did not know any of this and ironically the story that is playing around in my head has very similar themes. I am not claiming that John Keats had Aspergers I am just seeing parallels for myself. And playing around to help me not get consumed in loops that I do need to get caught up in. I do find his life, and his love very interesting and I can relate very much to many of the things that I read. Who doesn’t want to consume information about John Keats? Come on! (giggle, giggle)

Here are a few links that I read:

John Keats

The Life of John Keats

The Grasshopper and The Cricket (Poem) 

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