I have been reading quite a bit in the past several weeks about this new information that Anorexia could be connected to Asperger’s. My reasons are because I suffered from anorexia and would like to know. The sudden interest once again is linked to my family situation that I am currently working through, because I cannot eat. Whenever I am upset I can’t eat. So that triggered me looking into this once again.

There was a time when I made myself stay at 99 lbs.

All through my early 20′s I would not let myself get over the 99 mark. If I did I would stop eating. I was broke most of the time and couldn’t afford food so to remedy this I took diet pills. No one ever knew until I told them. I would eat and I can eat! I have now discovered that I would binge eat. I could throw down two Big Macs, a large fry, chicken nuggets and be hungry again in about an hour. Not really impressive though, if you don’t eat for days it is very easy to eat a ton of food.  But I did eat quite a lot however, it was always like once a day so I made sure people saw me. Easy enough. At least I had a mark though, I knew I couldn’t go lower than 99 lbs but I had a secret goal of 85 lbs, I never made it thank God!

I had a hard time dealing with my 100 lb pound mark.

People started to take notice of my size so if I could say that I was 100 lbs I figured that was good. Along the way I had people who cared about me tell me that I was just too small. And eventually I did get to 105 lb and stayed there until my second divorce and then I went back down to 100 lb because I had no money for food and I was upset a lot and was unable to eat. When David came around his goal was to fatten me up. I was sick, my color was bad, I was not in good shape at all. I was skinny but in bad shape. I did get back up to 105 lb, freaking out the whole time but I was there when I got pregnant. I was very concerned with my weight when I got pregnant and I was concerned that I would gain a ton and never lose it.

I quickly got over that and felt the health of my children were much more important than my weight.

I gained a ton and I gained a ton with Joshua as well. It took forever to lose the weight but I have lost weight and I am at a healthy size. There is no need to disclose that information but I am exactly where I am supposed to be for my height and age. It has taken a lot to over come and I still haven’t in some areas, when I look in the mirror I see a very large person. I think that my stomach is huge. I feel on some days that I am just disgusting, though I know it is not true I cannot fight what my eyes see. My husband has loved me and has thought that I am beautiful no matter what size I have been and that is pretty much all I need. I do need his input to help reassure myself that I am not as big as our house.

Interestingly, I do not see others like this at all.

Everyone else to me is the same, there is no difference in shapes, size, height whatever. Everyone seems to be my age or younger and average size. It is only when it is brought to my attention like someone saying “Oh I have a big butt” or “I look fat”. Then I am aware of their shape and if they are skinny I am like “You are ridiculous, why are you saying that”  if they are large I inappropriately say “Yes, you do look large” or I say nothing at all. Because I remember I am not supposed to say the other thing. Although, if I ask David if I look large or bad in something I fully expect him to tell me and he is quite honest with me all the time. And I appreciate that.

So now that they are doing studies  about autism and anorexia, along with other eating disorders I find it quite interesting and will stay on top of it.

Our family has a predisposition so I want to be aware and watch for any signs. Appearance isn’t really a big deal in our household and my issues, David and I have kept between us so that the kids will not hear it or be influenced by it as I am still over coming things. They seem to be perfectly happy with their bodies and unaware of any eating issues. I take great comfort in that because I remember when I was 5 yrs old, that is the time that I had become aware of my weight. My pediatrician told my mom that if I did not stop eating the way I did that I would become obese. I was not a large child, I was just an eater, still am. I remember from that day on, I thought that I was fat.  And so the eating disorder began. Food and  nutrition were not explained to me and either was this comment. I took it, held on to it and used it as my spring-board to make sure that I would never become obese.

It’s those kinds of things that really need to be clarified to any child but especially those who are on the autism spectrum.

My situation was enhanced by my mothers obsession with her weight, my boyfriends who told me I was fat and the many media outlets that informed me of what I was supposed to look like. I also think that I wanted control over something because my whole life had no control. So controlling my weight and cutting myself were a means of feeling something and feeling in control. No one could make me gain weight and no one knew that I was cutting myself. They were mine. I would like to know how much cutting plays a roll in eating disorders as well.

Here are some articles that I found quite interesting.

http://autism.about.com/b/2007/08/23/are-asperger-syndrome-and-anorexia-connected.htm

http://autismaspergerssyndrome.suite101.com/article.cfm/aspergers_syndrome_and_anorexia

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/trisha-gura/anorexia-wired-like-asper_b_61506.html

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/features/article2272080.ece

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