07/29/12

Ramblings I Suppose

I have no idea if any of my posts lately are making sense, or if I sound like a babbling rambling fool. I need to write and get things out of my head though so I hope that I am not being too terribly off. I am in a massive information consumption, and book-reading loop. This morning I have been on a Psychology Today reading kick. I am fairly certain that I am reading obsessively to help calm my anxieties about going to my aunt’s house today. I do not “feel” all that anxious, but my mind is acting otherwise. She has put out a facebook invite to any and everyone so I have no idea how many people will be there. I do not know many of them, except family. I also have the lingering anticipation about the kid’s anxieties.

I have not told Daniel yet.

It seemed to be a better route not to tell him about this yet. I tried to in the beginning of the week, and he shutdown for a while then, came full force with a ton of questions. As well as almost tears, hitting his head with his hands and then, playing drums on everything in the house. Tap, tap, thump, thump, rad-a-tat, rad-a-tat, all over the place. The one question he repeated for several hours was, “Why? Why do we have to go? Why, is it there? Why are there people going? Why does the car shake? Why does the road go up? Why? Why? Why?” He was getting himself so upset that finally I told him that we were not going and not to worry about it. He would not have been able to function the rest of the week. I felt horrible because I wanted to prepare him ahead of time and discuss it with him. He was just unable to do so this week so I will do it about an hour before hand.

There are times when it is better to wait and tell him.

There are other times when I must prepare him ahead of time months in advance. It all depends on how he is responding, feeling, and determining what he is able to process at the moment. He has too much anxiety about getting in the car right now. The anticipation of thinking about it, worrying about it, fearing things like getting carsick again, would have been too much for him. There was no way to make him feel better about it. I do have a plan to help with today, and I am hoping it works. If not he may have to stay home with Daddy because Ariel and Joshua are excited about going – though they are having their own anxieties.

Ariel has been sharing much more about her social thoughts.

She talked to me about how people look at her funny sometimes when we are out and she does not understand why. I explored that in much more detail. I will not go in depth with it though. It was a great opportunity to explain to her that we never know what people are thinking. We may be reading people wrong when they look at us and there are many reasons as to why a person may be looking at us oddly. Such as we look familiar, they like something about us, they want to talk to us but do not know how, or they want to ask us a question, they like our clothes, there could be anything! I realized that everything I was telling her was positive. I had explained to her that in that type of situation it does not always mean a bad thing.

I then, thought to myself, “I need to listen to my own words!”

She explained to me as well that she feels more comfortable talking to people who are in business, or she knows what they do. The more we talked I discovered that she gets anxious about meeting new people because she does not know anything about them and does not know how to, or what to talk to them about. Oh, gosh! Me too! She wants all of the information about people beforehand so she knows what to talk about. That is exactly what I do. This is the reason I look up people and try to get to know things about them before I interact with them.

I cannot do chitchat very well.

At some point, I get annoyed and shutdown, or walk away because it makes my brain feel fuzzy and confused. My purpose in talking to people is mutual information sharing. I like to learn things in a conversation. Whether it is details about their work, their ways of thinking, or their lifestyle. I need concrete information and I can sit with a person who is willing to answer all of my questions for hours. When I am talking to them I am connecting so many other sources of information swimming around in my brain, and I add that information to the conversation. I do not talk to people just to talk. If I am going to invest my time in a person, I want it to be worth it.

If I invest any amount of time in a person, it means I want to.

If I see that, they are not giving me mutual information exchange I tend to walk away, or stop talking. I see no point in it. I can be silly, and say frivolous things at times. However, at some point I need to see that the person and I have something of substance to talk about otherwise I cannot keep up the conversation in the physical or in the virtual. I go back to my word productive. It needs to be producing something. I like talking and reading about people who produce thoughts in my mind, and keeps me connecting and wondering about all kinds of things. Ariel is like that too, I have watched her walk away from conversations when she does not get to contribute thoughts, or does not understand the point.

We all do this at home as well, but we are just as goofy as we are serious.

I think I just tapped into my anxiety. I have several different things making me anxious. I am anxious about Daniel’s response to the car, his response to being around a whole bunch of people, and how people will respond to him. I believe my other aunt who sent me a ton of letters out of nowhere causing me to spiral into social confusion frenzy, may be there. She is upset (through the family grapevine) that I did not tell her that we were moving here. To be honest, I did not tell anyone except my close aunt, my grandma and then, my dad and step mom about a month before. I did not have time or the emotional ability to get on the phone, or email everyone and tell them that I was coming here.

My thoughts, why would they care anyway they never talk to me?

What does it matter now? I am just going to be myself and try not to let that nonsense get to me. My kids are my focus and my cousin since he will be leaving soon. I still have the underlining anxiety quietly hiding that will manifest itself in other ways. I have to keep that in mind for the kids and me. We all do it even though Joshua has no problems walking into a place and talking to people. He is very social; he still has meltdowns/shutdowns in his own way. As much as he loves it, it still takes a lot out of him. I assume I needed to get this stuff out of my head to help me move forward for the day. I had planned to only share some links and pictures of what the kids have been up to! My head is so full of words. I have a story floating around in there as well. Need-to-get-it-out. Onto my initial quest!

The kids have been watching Lego engineers on Lego.com Creator.

Joshua is very animate about becoming a Lego Engineer when he grows up. Ariel has added that to her many occupations she plans on doing. Daniel however, well he wants to fly. No, not in a plane or helicopter, he wants to grow wings and fly. He asks me, “Why can’t I have wings like a bird?” at least one time at some point in the day. Who knows, maybe he will one day. They have been on Lego Universe for days as well. Not all day long, but off and on. They have been creating all kinds of things. Ariel has struggled in the past trying to be imaginative with Lego’s. She has always wanted to be able to create things the way that Joshua does. He thinks of something and the next thing you know he was created an entire movie scene and is playing out the story line that is in his head. She can do this with painting and drawing, or writing stories and poetry. She was so excited to discover that she could create things in her head too with Lego’s.

She needed visual instructions for Lego’s though!

I did not pick up on this, until after watching her create some things the other day. She had been watching the Lego designers give step-by-step instructions for building. It all finally clicked for her and then, once she started creating things she had to give me step-by-step instructions on how she build what she created. I have pictures of her doing this with her lamppost. She was very detailed and serious while giving me the instructions. Joshua and Daniel happily played with their Lego creations not desiring to instruct me on anything. They just wanted to play, while Ariel felt it necessary that she share with me how she did it.

Awesome! My kid’s rock!

I cannot help it I have to say it, I love how different they are and how each of them share. It makes me so happy. I better get busy and prepare for the day. I just realized going through this post that I am scripting in my head for social conversations today. How funny, I am telling myself what types of people to speak to and what types not to by reminding myself why I have conversations. Writing this stuff out reminded me that chitchat conversations confuse me, and peoples faces confuse me. I get anxious after-the-fact because I do not understand what, or why they were making a facial expression at me, said something that seemed odd to me, or are responding in a way that I do not understand. I had no idea why I was writing all of that stuff out. Preparation is the name of the game! I am always two-steps behind my brain, and two-steps ahead of my mind. Lol!

Reads others may be interested in also.

Toxic Relationships in Eating Disorder Recovery

Overcoming Resistance in Binge Eating Disorder Treatment

Treating Mid-Life Eating Disorders

Myths of Forgiveness

[Show as slideshow]

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07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II

I am very much stuck on the second movie I watched. America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. (Probably because it is a documentary and I love documentaries.) It made me cry too. I wanted to scoop up all the women in the world who suffer from poor body image, hug them, and cry with them. That says a lot because you know I am not about the hugging! Hee hee There are many aspects of this movie that touched me. I thought it brought some perspective into the dieting industry, trickles of the modeling industry, and different perspectives from people all living their lives on a body image spectrum. One extreme to the other, balance and discontent, eyes blinded and eyes opened. I watched this with a heavy heart for all of those who have fallen for the “diet lie.” I have never been that good at dieting, but good at starving myself.

The western culture seems to thrive on diets. (obsession)

The scale has never been a realistic tool for me. I cannot determine what is the difference between 98 pounds and 130 pounds they look the same in the mirror. I did not have a realistic view of my body when I was pregnant either. Quite honestly, I thought I looked skinnier pregnant with the twins. Explain that! No clue. I thought I was huge with Joshua. See no rhyme or reason to this stuff for me. I found several resources that I plan to devote more time to, but skimmed over today. One was this HEALTHY BODY IMAGE Teaching Kids to Eat and Love Their Bodies Too There is a lot in this, but I am sharing some info about dieting.

Dieting as a solution

There is widespread agreement that, for those who want to lose weight, dieting (eating according
to a prescribed plan to limit food intake with the goal of weight loss) should be part of the
formula. As previously noted, dieting has become a normative eating style in the United States.

The diet mentality remains strong despite significant empirical data and clinical outcomes
showing that restricting calories or food groups for the purpose of weight loss is
counterproductive for weight loss in the long run. In fact, for mentally well individuals, dieting
for weight loss reliably produces results that are not only contrary to sustained weight loss but
frequently result in weight gain. Studies show that dieting behaviors consistently and reliably
lead to:

 An increased preoccupation with food and difficulty concentrating on anything else.
 A dramatic increase in food cravings, especially for calorie-dense foods, such as sugars
and fats.
 Irritability and depression.
 Decreased metabolic rate.

In the documentary Darryl Roberts is addressing many issues about dieting and body image in the U.S.

I wanted to shout and get on a blasting horn sharing with people about men who have eating disorders. There is such a stigma and young boys, and men alike are suffering from eating disorders. Their image and appearance is becoming just as important this day, as it has been for girls and women for all of these years. It is something that needs to be talked about and addressed. Eating disorders cause you to live in secret, depression, and shame. Not only that if you have an eating disorder that helps keep you skinny people think it is a good thing. If you are thin, the lie that has been sold to us is that “thin people are healthy.” Believe me there are many thin people out there who are not healthy.

We all have to find our balance.

Healthy bodies are a spectrum. There is no perfect mold. The thing that matters is accepting yourself right now. After, all of the false ideals, images, stigmas, and comparisons start to fall at your feet then; you can see the beauty and talents that have been there all along. (Waiting to explode and enhance because they finally get the attention they should have had from the beginning .) It may take a change in diet and lifestyle to help the body feel better, and the mind feel more balanced, but it should not become an obsession or a false hope that everything in life will be better now that the body has changed. The mind has to get healthy too. I do not understand why there is so much appreciation for “beauty” instead of intelligence, or talents. Our body images need to become healthy. How do we even determine a healthy way of thinking about body image? I am seeking information on that now. I hope I am making sense, I do not mean to offend anyone. I have seemed to lose my train of thought.

I will end here with some resources and hope that it helps.

I provide these finds for you to read if interested. I have not read all of them all the way through some I have skimmed, but I will be reading them as I continue to process. They may be a load of hooey or some really great information. I believe I found several great resources – I am only forewarning in case anyone reads something that seems off. I started to get a bit miffed at all of the articles accusing mothers only so I went in search for father influences as well. I am disturbed by the lack of information about boys and men and the fact that eating disorders seem to be only categorized in society’s mind as anorexia and bulimia. Binge eating does not seem to pop in people’s mind when thinking of eating disorders. I decided to read up on it.

“Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is a type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.”

Binge Eating Disorder

Understanding Compulsive Overeating (c) Copyright by Judy Lightstone

Eating Disorders in Men

“For years, eating disorders have been viewed as a “white woman’s disease.” And estimates of male eating disorders told a similar story: while the majority of women suffered from eating disorders, only about 10 percent of men did.

Recent research, however, paints a different, bigger picture: more men are suffering from eating disorders than previously thought. Out of 3,000 people with anorexia and bulimia, 25 percent were men (and 40 percent had binge eating disorder), according to a Harvard study.”

Find specific information regarding eating disorders in men and boys.

“While women are more commonly affected by eating disorders, more than a million men and boys battle the illness every day.”

Children and Eating Disorders:A Review of the Literature Emily Major

Healthy body image: Tips for guiding girls

“Make sure your daughter knows that she can always come to you with questions or concerns about her body or self-image.”

Encouraging a Healthy Body Image

Gaining A Healthy Body Image

“More than anyone else, you know your body, and you’re the only one who can determine what foods, exercise programs and amounts of rest will allow you to function in optimal health. Begin making the choices that will lead you there.”

Your Daughter’s Eating Disorder Is Your Fault

How Do Mothers Contribute to Their Daughter’s Eating Disorders and Weight Concerns?

Vicious cycles: mothers, daughters, eating disorders

Dads may influence eating disorders

“The study found that fathers have an important influence on their daughter’s perceptions of their weight and shape during childhood. In fact, they appeared to have a particular influence when it came to the eating disorder, bulimia.”

The Perceived Influence of a Father on His Daughter’s Development

“Available fathers who talked to, praised, and responded to their daughters boost their girls’ social responsiveness and positive feeling about self beyond the level of those girls whose fathers were uninvolved” (Krohn & Bogan, 2001, Secure Foundations section, ¶ 1). A girl’s body image is significantly affected by the culture in which she lives but also by the way men in her life view her and other women. It is far less likely for a girl who has a loving, praising father to succumb to an eating disorder in order to feel better about herself.”

Influence of Parental Eating Disorder on Children

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07/22/12

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary I

My mind has been looping and stirring about body image. (As we all know.) Last week, when my sister and nieces came to visit I was struck again with the body image damaging behavior that is rampant in my family. They do not even realize that they are doing it. My niece who is 13 years old showed some comparison behaviors that sent red flags immediately. (It could only be typical teenage behavior, but my family is already prone to this is so I am highly sensitive.) I was ticked off when my sister was watching Ariel flop and flip on our chair and said, “Dang! Look at her abs and she is only seven!” I quickly rebutted with our limited diet and how active the kids are. It is pointless to go into any deep conversations about anything because well…

I got the look from everyone as if I was depriving my children by forcing them to eat “healthy.”

I looked at them and said, “My kids are not deprived. Come on, they get gluten-free Oreo’s, cake and stuff. We get burgers and fries from restaurants.” I felt like I should feel guilty for some reason. I hate that. The main thing that has been taught in this household is that food is an energy source. If we want to feel good and have energy we need to make sure we are eating foods and drinking things that achieve that for our bodies. We want our brains to be focused and alert. We want to feel connected to our food. We do not feel we should eliminate everything things in moderation makes sense. I am not even going into the issue that I have about my daughter’s body image already being pointed out. Leave her alone! I do not want her to even start thinking about that nonsense.

We consciously think about our food.

We are not hyper obsessive, calorie counting, and no sugar; eat only organic, raw foods type of people. I have done a lot of observing with my kids. I have taken notes, and watched their behaviors when they eat certain types of foods. I know my kids and how food and drinks affect them. I think it is very important and until they are old enough to make these decisions for themselves, I will decide for them. I do not buy much junk food, I do get some types of chips, but frankly, I do not find pleasure in eating foods that others find enjoyable. I do not care for soda, in addition to feeling like I am wasting money on empty calories. But that is me, who cares what I am doing!

I have talked about this before, but it really gets me upset.

My kids are happy, healthy, and perfectly fine without any of that stuff. Personally, I would rather spend my money on other things. I do not see the point in giving my kids sugary drinks when they are happy with water. They are happy with 100% fruit juices and no additional sugars added. They are happy with my blueberry muffins made with a little bit of honey. Why would I want to change that, especially when I do not eat that way? I try to buy foods that I know will satisfy them because they eat A LOT! My purpose for food choices I think are logical, I am not a stickler or judgmental toward others. However, I do take offensive when I feel like I am being judged.

I think it is silly to judge me for the choices I make when the person clearly has a choice in what they purchase.

It is their choice what foods they like, or what they want to spend their money on. People seem to get awkward when they eat sweets, or certain foods around. They never ask me why I am not eating it, or why I have politely refuse to have some. I only receive a look and then, an awkward feel sometimes accompanied with rude comments such as, “I guess that is why you are so lanky.” I have to say no for my kids because I know what it will be like in our household after the consumption. (I usually bring back up food or snacks anyway.) The majority of the time I do not eat foods because they make me terribly ill. I get sick to my stomach, have bathroom problems for days, cannot sleep, or the sight/smell/taste genuinely is making me feel icky. It has nothing to do with discipline, or me wanting to be a healthy eater. My body forces me to be like this on many occasions. My kids suffer from many of these symptoms as well.

I used to eat anything and everything – I had energy, stomach, and mood problems ALL the time.

I see food as my batteries for my body and mind. I need it to survive and I will use it to get the most energy I can. I am a person of habit when it comes to food for sure. I eat the same breakfast every morning, the same lunch, a variety of different dinners, but with the staples of protein, starch, and veggies. As a snack, if you asked me whether I wanted a bag of chips or a rice cake, I would take the rice cake. Why? Apparently, my taste buds prefer cardboard. It used to be a means of control, but now I am seeing that I really enjoy these types of foods. Gluten-free foods taste good to me. I would prefer them to southern fried foods any day.

I do enjoy spicy food that feel fresh and clean.

I am referring to things like peppers, or cayenne pepper on things. I have sensory issues with greasy foods, and sweets as well such as them leaving a film on my tongue and teeth, or the grease smelling a certain way. Foods like salad, rice, some fruits do not. They do not upset my stomach either, not sure why spicy stuff does not make me sick. There is no rhyme or reason to my body. It would seem that my taste buds are much like my emotions happy – sad at the same time, bland - spicy at the same time, nothing in between. I got completely sidetracked. The reason I was stuck on food is that it connects to the two movies I watched yesterday morning. (I actually wrote a lot of this yesterday, but I could not publish I was very fragile yesterday.)

The movies made my tears come out in a volcanic eruption.

I finally watched Disfigured and America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. I could possibly devote two entire posts to these movies, but I need to process the emotions and thoughts I am feeling in the moment. In Disfigured, it went into a direction I had not expected at all. At first, I was trying to get through the awkwardness, and the “indie” type feel that seems to be consuming movies lately. I was also confused by many of the social interactions going on. I did what I normally do and tried to grab hold of the concepts and ultimate goal of the movie instead of trying to figure out what they meant by their odd phone conversations. I was not sure what to expect really, but I did not expect the heavier woman to ask for “anorexic lessons” for real. I think it played out well though. Heads up: There was a sex scene that I fast-forwarded through; I was not in the mood for any of that. I do see the value of what they were trying to convey in the scenes. I would have fast-forwarded any sex scenes because it stirs emotions that I cannot explain.

The other thing is the anorexic woman says, “I am socially retarded. I do not know what other people do.”

I do not think this was an inappropriate use of the word in regards to the context of the character as a whole. However, I know that others are sensitive to the misuse of the “R-word” and I would hate for someone to watch it and be unaware that the word is used. I did not see it as offensive, but others may feel differently. There is so much packed into this movie. I am not sure even where to begin or filter my thoughts. I think it was worth it to watch. I think it deals with some hard issues. I think it exposes people’s prejudice and stigmas that forebodes our society. It reveals how many of us suffer in silence whatever our eating disorders.

It gives perspective of how we need to change our perspective toward people.

The scene that caused me to lose it was, when the heavier woman confronted the anorexic woman about expressing herself. She tells her to cry, or scream and the anorexic woman says, “I can’t do that.” When she said that, my head flood with all of the years that I have hidden my tears. I would not allow myself to cry. I just spoke with my aunt last night she has been having a hard time too, she said, “I will not let myself cry.” I would not eat in front of people, (still at times) I would not feel, or let anyone know my thoughts. I controlled my food intake as well as my emotional intake, and release.

I watched the woman lose it, get angry, scream, and cry.

It took the prodding of her friend to send her over. I watched her lie in her friends lap as she was held, I think for the first time in a genuine caring way. I had flashes of last summer when I laid curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing, not knowing what to do with the intense feelings. The feelings that I have controlled and kept hidden unleashing themselves. I confess religion was a great way for me to stifle emotions. It helped me focus on helping others, and not to help myself. As I watched the movie, I could relate to the anorexic woman very much, there were many things that were familiar. I was never a calorie counter, or obsessive about foods – I would just stop eating. I would binge eat, and then stop eating thinking I had eaten enough for a few days. I used diet pills and cigarettes back in the day. I would be limited on funds and cigarettes were always a priority over food. Insane.

I cannot really write anymore about this movie, it’s too much to process.

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II…

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07/15/12

Body Image And Other Interesting Dismantlings

Some may not see the connection in my post from yesterday, to my body image, dysmorphia, body unawareness type of issues, but it is connected. One of my loops I have identified as my “hypochondria loop” comes full force when body image comes into play. I had not connected the two myself until this morning after researching, rereading, re-watching, and dissecting information from past loops and gathered resources I have.

I have various types of loops.

My loops can consist of:

1) Information seeking/gathering/collecting

2) Emotional discovering/dismantling/understanding/feeling/expressing

3) Social dismantling/understanding

4) Emotional escape

5) Obsessive life puzzle solving

6) Number/word/color/nature/universe love

7) Music absorption

8) Constant questions about past/present/future events
Reliving, living, and creating future events in great detail – full sensory experience. (Or imagination. However, in the past I could not differentiate between reality and my imagination – I am better with this since writing out my thoughts more.)

These are several of my loops – many times, they blend and work together.

I have more, but I will leave it at that. They help me process sometimes they can be so all consuming that I can do nothing else, but focus on the loop. There are days when it is a good thing if I am looping in a positive spin. Then, there are days when I can loop in a direction of feeling as if I am all alone. I do not exist, no one would notice if I were gone. I have no real purpose, is this world real anyway? Am I a figment of someone else’s imagination? Silly things like that. However, they are not so silly when they feel incredibly true.

Another reason why I started this blog – to help remind me that I exist.

By the end of my post yesterday, I started to see the familiar trend. My mind was already processing the feelings of other people’s insecurities about body image. This subconsciously leads me into feeling it about own. No matter how good I feel about myself the fact of the matter is I have a birthmark for the world to see. As much as I try to hide “as to not offend”, it glares out there. Many times it is the second thing people notice about me. They see my eyes, they look down my face they see the red on my cheek, which causes their gaze to go down my neck.

I know this because I watch them.

I have seen it my whole life. I get in my moods where I do not care at all and I wear my hair up forgetting all about it… until I see the smile from a person’s face diminish as their eyes trickle down to my neck. This is where my hypochondria loop comes into play. It is triggered by feeling that I should not exist because of this horrible thing on the side of my neck that causes so many people disgust. Truthfully, I think that is a load of crap because otherwise I would have successfully “offed” myself years ago, when I tried to leave this planet.

However, the hopelessness that I felt about not having insurance triggered me into a spiral.

It leaped me right into a familiar circle of self-attack. In the back of my mind, I have felt that the universe deems it necessary to have these types of “unlucky” things happen to me as a payback for existing when I should not. Having the message pounded in my head since I was born that I was to be aborted, my grandparents didn’t want me, my mom didn’t know what to do, and my dad fighting to keep me – only to feel rejected, unwanted, and a nuisance for my life span planted seeds of doubt about my worth of living. The universe knows this and continues to mess with me to ensure I do not forget. To make matters worse I was given a lovely strawberry colored birthmark so everyone can remind me what a disgusting plague I am that walks in their presence. While we are at it let us add having a mind that others do not understand and considers strange as well.

I am playing on my irrational thought pattern here.

Please know that I am joking somewhat about me feeling like the universe is out to get it me. It is not a joke when these things feel real. However, I do know that they are not. This is why I go into familiar negative loops to help prepare me for attacks, for bad things, for hurt, so that it will not destroy me. I have a “friend losing loop” as well. It is triggered when I get confused by behaviors, do not understand sudden changes in the relationship, or feel like they have left me and I do not know why. I do not want to loop about it, but it happens – when my mind is trying NOT to deal with bigger issues. My familiar loops are about losing/feeling abandoned/forgotten by friends, or family. The other one that can take control is self-attack/seeking perfection/being invisible loop.

I have come a long way in this area, but I have also gone through some serious stress recently.

I caught it though. I stopped my loop yesterday. I was able to see it clearly and move away from wrong thinking patterns. I also, used it to help me dismantled other wrong thinking patterns. It did take most of the day for me to process, and then I needed to go over resources again this morning to help me. I can feel my brain changing. I see that I have choices and the ability to control certain patterns. I do not know if they will stop all together, I have loops they have been with me for a lifetime. I have obsessive thoughts that at times seem unbearable, but I am also finding ways to take positive detours and express these negative emotions in a balanced way creatively.

To my surprise it is working.

I have found many resources to process, in this journey helping me with understanding body image. In my way of thinking, I have to consume information. I have to “feel” emotions, filter these emotions, process them through writing, expressing them creativity helps me to understand what are really my emotions and embrace them. After I have embraced them, which can be quite painful and lead me down some deep dark roads, I am able to properly place them in my “understanding” category of my mind. Once that happens, I am able to take all of the resources I have consumed and implement helpful and proactive ways to help myself. As you can see this could take a while to process certain deep-rooted issues I have had.

When I am able to see them, I am able to go into my processing mode.

I am currently in the processing mode of body image and I am not sure how long I will be camped here. I am going to share some resources I have shared in the past as well as some new ones. One movie I had to re-watch because something triggered my memory about it this morning. It is called “America The Beautiful” (2007) Here is the link to Hulu (if you have an account or just sign up) for the full movie. Netflix has it and the other movie “America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments” on their instant watch section.

I have not watched the second movie yet.

I found this interesting Distorted Self-Image In Body Image Disorder Due To Visual Brain Glitch, Study Suggests.

“Our discovery suggests that the BDD brain’s hardware is fine, but there’s a glitch in the operating software that prevents patients from seeing themselves as others do,” explained Dr. Jamie Feusner, principal investigator and assistant professor of psychiatry at UCLA’s Semel Institute. “Now that we’ve identified a possible physical cause, down the road we may be able to pinpoint ways that patients’ brains can be retrained to perceive faces more accurately.”

Personal opinion, sensory processing disorder could be a large factor.

I have yet to find a lot of information linking BDD, eating disorders, and sensory processing issues with this direct claim. If anyone has any information please send it my way! I have talked about Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), but I have not gone into great detail about it. I had not been able to find a clear and accurate resource to share that I felt described it well. I did find this Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) and this Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) Symptoms on a website this morning. I think they are great resources filled with information, some helps, and explanation about what it is, and how it affects people.

A friend sent me a link about Pure Obsessional OCD several months ago.

When she sent it to me I wanted to dive in and start consuming information and analyzing immediately. Time would not allow so I have been going back and forth reading and pondering about it for a while. Here is a website dedicated to it The Other OCD. Here is an excerpt from this Pure-O OCD (Pure Obsessional OCD): Hidden Rituals post that I found very helpful:

“Pure-O” OCD, or Pure Obsessional OCD, is a relatively less common form of OCD that seemingly differs from classic presentations of the illness. What distinguishes Pure Obsessional OCD from classic OCD is that in Pure-O OCD, symptoms are predominantly obsessive (rather than compulsive) in nature. Although individuals with Pure-O OCD frequently experience intense and distressing obsessions, they typically report few (if any) overt compulsive behaviors. However, in almost all cases, pure obsessionals do engage in a variety of rituals. These rituals just manifest as mental compulsions rather than behavioral compulsions.”

I do not have typical OCD, though I can have things that seem like OCD.

I have said that I felt like my brain had OCD thinking patterns, i.e., compulsive/obsessive looping. When I read “mental compulsions”, I was SO relieved to know that I was not making this stuff up! This post “Pure-O” OCD: Common Obsessions & Mental Rituals had many things that helped me see and process some of my behaviors without attacking my mental state, or feeling like a freak.

Here is an excerpt:

For some individuals, mental rituals also include complex cognitions. Complex mental rituals often begin simply with one of the following statements or questions and then take on a life of their own:

OCD Mental Rituals

“I would never do that…but what if I do?…I don’t want to…but what if I secretly do?”
“Why is this happening?”
“When will this stop?”
“I can’t live this way…”
“I need to know…”
“I’ll never be strong enough to face this…”
“I wouldn’t be having these thoughts if I didn’t secretly want this…”
“Maybe I need to act on these thoughts to finally be rid of them and feel closure…”
“It’s always going to be this way…”
“I can’t take the chance, because if I did…”
“If I could just figure this out, I would be able to move past it and it wouldn’t bother me anymore…”

Such thoughts usually begin innocently enough, but in the case of mental rituals, they become repetitive, desperate, and counterproductive. The reason these thoughts are so seductive is because they have the semblance of being helpful. People often feel that by engaging with these thoughts, they are somehow making progress in solving their own mental puzzle. In some ways, this parallels the way that chronic worriers ruminate and prepare for every possible contingency (even remote ones that other people would consider unreasonable).

Things are starting to fall into place.

The more I understand about all of this the sooner my looping is recognized and deterred. I also read this The Obscure “Eating” Disorders Feeding Disorders and Picky Eating in Infants and Children. I am a picky eater; my kids are all “picky” eaters. The major reason for our pickiness is not to be a pain in the booty – it is sensory driven, or body intolerance. However, this type of thing could lead to eating disorders. My mom is an extremely picky eater, which limited my diet growing up, as well as lack of funds, but it also reiterated my rigid eating restrictions. Thankfully, my dad, and his side of the family forced me to try new things. Not always in the most positive of ways, but it challenged me to try different foods and that has helped me throughout my life.

My pickiness has to do with texture, look, and smell, what my senses are like on that day.

On the right day, I would try octopus. NOT! It smells horrible. I would try something like a Paw Paw… maybe. I read this too When Does Picky Eating Become Something To Worry About? Another good read Feeling Fat (or Thin) May Be a Trick of the Mind an excerpt:

Brain Creates a Map of the Body

A vibrating device placed on each study volunteer’s wrist served to stimulate the tendon and create the sensation that the joint was flexing, even though it remained stationary. When their hands touched their waists, the volunteers felt their wrists bending, creating the illusion that their waists were shrinking.

During the tendon exercise, all 17 participants felt that their waist had shrunk by up to 28 percent. The researchers found high levels of activity in the posterior parietal cortex, an area of the brain that integrates sensory information from different parts of the body. Volunteers who reported the strongest shrinking sensation also showed the strongest activity in this area of the brain.

“We process information about our body size every day, such as feeling thin or fat when we put our clothes on in the morning, or when walking through a narrow doorway or ducking under a low ceiling,” says Dr. Ehrsson.

“However — unlike more elementary bodily senses such as limb movement, touch and pain — there are no specialized receptors in the body that send information to the brain about the size and shape of body parts. Instead, the brain appears to create a map of the body by integrating signals from the relevant body parts, such as skin, joints and muscles, along with visual cues,” Dr. Ehrsson adds.

Hmm… Yes, I did find one speaking of sensory and body image, but I still would like to read more!

I know this post is packed with a lot. I hope you can dissect and read through it. This is part of me processing and sharing at the same time. I believe these are some wonderful resources and I found them very helpful and plan to read them more until my brain finally connects what it needs to help with my body image. I think I will stop here.

Happy Sunday!

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07/13/12

Excellent! TEDx – Gala Darling

I most likely am going to post more tonight. Who knows what I will write about, but I had to share this video. I am on a serious image kick here – all “Aspie fixated” (obsessive) style – like. Some of what she shares I do not understand. I do not understand why women think some of these things. It has been a source of confusion in my life. However, I am trying to understand I have my own issues with image mostly because of my lack of understanding, comments made to me my entire life, ways I have been treated, sensory issues, anxiety disorder, I guess I could list more… I don’t feel like it.

She describes many things that I have done to myself throughout my life as well.

Her story is very familiar. I feel uncomfortable with “radical self love.” I have a hard time with phrases sounding cheesy to me, and they can turn me off. This type of thinking has caused me to miss out on some good nuggets of healing at times. So today, I will refuse to go into my cynical loop getting stuck on a phrase. I have embraced the message and think it is DAMN good! Sorry, you know I do not usually say words like that, but it felt appropriate. Great, now I have guilt. It too shall pass.

I know nothing about EFT. (Rest assured I will do more research.)

I am very cautious about alternative medicine. She blurbs about that, but does not go into detail. Always be cautious with anything you are using to self-help. As well as with any doctors. Balance! Balance and scruples, I say! She mentions to stop reading tabloids. I do not read tabloids – they confuse me. I am easily confused. Ha ha ha There is a lot in the video. I will go now.

Enjoy the video.

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07/12/12

Transitioning

I knew there was going to be a lot of transitioning for everyone around here. I mentally kept scripts soaring around my head about change. Change is good. Change is ok. Change is exciting. This change is for the best. I scripted this to the kids. I did everything I could think of to prepare us for all of the changes that were to take place – there are several more big changes down the road, but we need to take this large chunk first.

On a personal note, I am very pleased with my renewed abilities to handle transitioning.

I had been isolated from people for so long that I did lose my ability to socialize without anxieties causing me to halt, meltdown, and loop for months in confusion, or get angry. However, I see the good side in my years and years of isolation and limited physical people contact. (I do not recommend it though, at least not the length of time that I was in a cave.) I have been able to evaluate who I am without anyone telling me what, or how I should do it. In David’s attempts to help me in the past, I took his words as what I should be doing. Since, he had been my major source of human communication I took his words as gospel. (Religious circles made me feel like that was the right thing to do.)

My mind can do that when I am full of anxiety, fear, social confusion, etc…

He admittedly has issues with people. He can see the negative in everything (anyone); I am on the other end of the spectrum and can see the positive in anyone. I will add that many times David does not think he is being negative, quite possibly he is not, but I cannot tell the difference. Through the years, I would hear him being critical about many things and the way my mind works I would automatically hear those criticisms and feel like I too must not measure up. I soak in negative words, thoughts, feelings from others and the longer I am around it the more it starts to eat at me.

I think in a way it hurts me so terribly to hear these things about others that I have to direct it onto myself.

My mom at times can be like this as well, along with many of my family members. We are all rather cynical. I am hurt though when these things are said, even if I do not like the person, or they have treated me badly. It hurts me to hear negative things about them. (Or what I perceive as negative.) I make no sense! I am back and forth angry-happy, love-hate, jolly-depressed, at all times. It is maddening in my mind at times. In the past year, I have managed to see, and strip off behaviors and attitudes that I have adopted from people in my past to present.

My influences have been in their own negative place in their lives as well.

That negativity blends into their daily lingo and attitudes. David hated, I mean hated where we were living before. That energy filled our lives on a regular basis and made me a nervous wreck trying to always fix it. I wanted to make the conflict go away. I wanted my happy-peace place. Through my dismantling self-time, I realized that I was in control of my atmosphere, and environment. I liked where we lived for several reasons, I disliked it for many more, and I decided to take in all that I loved about the place and enjoy it while I could. I made sure the kids had positive memories of our home on East Coast.

The positive things helped them to transition into our new home.

I had lingering fears of what would happen when we got here. When we moved to our first home in past location, Daniel did not do well at all. The year in that house was one of the worst years of my life. He could not transition into that home. I thought the home was beautiful, but it had a “feel” to it. It felt as if there was constant static attacking my body, ears, and mind. I felt like I was surrounded by buzzing bees, and continual chaos. I have no idea why. I believe Daniel felt all of that too. When we were in the last house, it felt calm from the moment I entered the doors. It felt safe.

This home feels that way.

Calm, safe, and it makes me happy. The kids all feel that way too. Joshua told me that he is “in love” with this house. Ariel thinks it is great. Daniel keeps sighing happy sighs whenever the house is being talked about. It is as if he can breathe peacefully. They asked me last night if we could live here forever. It may be that they never want to do a big move again!

Daniel did have a rough couple of days.

He hit his max on Monday, Tuesday was a little better, and then yesterday he was much better. He was too tired I believe to have a rough day. I had planned to take them to the park. I gave each detail of the events to prepare to go. David was going to go out in the morning then, come back so the kids and I could go. He went out and the car battery was dead. I have been setting plans in place for the kids and me to go and do things, everyday something has happened where it fell through. I started to panic because change of plans could not happen again!

I did almost cry because I did not want to tell Daniel.

Thankfully, I wore them out so much the last couple of days that no one had a meltdown. The car thing took the rest of the day. David ended up being stuck in Wal-Mart for several hours and received ample amounts of social and sensory torture that I do not wish on my worst enemy. I held Ariel (She hardly ever wants to be held, but wanted me to hold her all day yesterday.) and she fell asleep for a while. Daniel sat next me holding my hand, and Joshua played his Lego’s. I held him the other night apparently he got his mommy fix in and was good.

As I sat looking at them, I realized just how smooth things are going.

I did prepare them and myself well. I did stay organized and followed through on my plans making it go fairly well for this big move. I have done well at preparing myself to be socially active, and able to discern when I am feeling other people’s emotions. The big thing there is I am not soaking them in for long, or looping about them in confusion. I feel them with the understanding that I am feeling them – I do not have to take them on or try to manage them. I have too many of my own to deal with and I am properly learning to filter the emotional zaps from every person I encounter. I have been faced with many tests dealing with all of this emotional and mental work I have been doing over this past year. Crash course like in the last two weeks.

I had another one on Tuesday.

One of my sisters, who lives about 3 1/2 hours away, came in town. She is moving here as well. She started posting things about it several weeks ago, but she has been saying that she is moving her for years with no follow through. I shrugged it off thinking I will believe when I see it. Well, it seems highly likely. This sister visited me about two years ago in our old home. I get along with her well when she is alone, or with just my aunt and me. I get along with her always, but she confuses me when she is around others. She has been very dependent upon my dad and step mom for years to help her. She does not want to be though. She wants to be strong and independent. She is a single mom. My niece is 10 years old.

My heart melts and I too want to be the support that she needs.

However, I cannot. I am incapable and I have to have boundaries. I did make much of that clear while she was visiting, in a nice way. My family here has not been around us, they have no clue what life is like. I have been educating them, and they are listening. I see the transition in some of my family members too. I am still apprehensive because we have been here a short time and in the next few months when family comes to visit more, and my sister is actually here it will reveal how things truly are. My aunt is a strong support, my grandma is a strong support, and I am good with that. I don’t need a lot I just need to know they are there. It helps a lot knowing that they are readily available (Also, that my sister will be here too.) because David will be gone for longer periods of time, and at the very least quarterly.

My aunt helps me not shutdown into deep dark places, and vice versa.

I wasn’t really prepared for that change of my sister coming, but I think it could be a good thing. I hope it is a good thing for her. I will help her as much as I am able. I need boundaries though, and I am in a place where I do not feel guilty for setting them. I was hit with her words when she came over. I was in a bikini (because I hate clothes, and it is hot!) the first thing she said to me, THE FIRST THING SHE SAID to me (she has not seen me in two years) “Look at you skinny.” Then, she looked down at her stomach and pulled her shirt down.

I said, “Yeah, that is what happens with starvation and depression.”

I did not mean to be so blunt, but I am not going to sugar coat what I have been going through. I am tired of these comments just because you are thin does mean you are ok. I am trying very hard at taking care of my body to get healthy and stay healthy. The way I lost this last bit of weight was not good. I did not do it on purpose. I could not eat for months and it was not because I wanted to starve myself. I eat healthy; I do not eat sweets (often), drink soda, or sugary drinks. I drink water, most of the time if I want something sweet I make oatmeal with fruit. I eat fruit and yogurt. It is not because I am obsessed with being thin, it is because I like those types of foods, and I like to be active. (I am not a fan of fatty, buttery, types of foods – I will get a craving once in a while and I do indulge.)

I have these feelings like I need to defend myself.

She later got her swimsuit on, but would not take her tank top off. Her daughter asked her why she would not take it off. My sister said, “Because I am bloated and it doesn’t look good.” My niece rubbed her mom’s belly and said, “It doesn’t look that bad.” I was upset that my 10-year-old niece had taken on that role and is exposed to that type of condemning self-talk. I looked at my sister and said, “Take it off who cares!” It upsets me so – I wish women (and men) were able to feel comfortable with themselves. In a balanced way, not overly confident, or overly insecure. I do not see people’s body size or shape until they make me.

When I see people, we are all the same size.

I do not notice “flaws” unless the person’s attitude is rude or ugly then, I will. Otherwise, I see the beauty in and out of people. I am keeping that part about me and I am not letting others take that away again. I hope my acceptance of her, all of her, will help her transition into an acceptance of herself. I hope. I am not really sure if I make any sense on this post. I am sure I am going to have several more that are ramblings and seem logical to me, but may seem all out of whack to others. There is just so much to process. I am absorbing, processing, and implementing all kinds of things.

I have had some setbacks with school stuff.

It took me two full days to get that all processed and by the end I was almost in tears from frustration and wanting it to be over. Then, we received notice that Joshua is delinquent in our other school district because they did not receive his evaluation. Egad! We had huge limbs fall from a tree in the back yard that required two days of chainsaw noise. The owners of this house are wonderful and very accommodating I must say. We have a frog pond (No frogs, very sad about that, the birds eat them.) and the pump broke, that took three hours to figure out one day….things like that have been happening then, the car. Still I have been calm and at ease through it all. Yay! Me!

I am very excited at how well all of us are doing.

Pictures!

[Show as slideshow]

Resource to check out.

disfiguredmovie.com

I have not watched this movie yet, but I am intrigued.

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07/10/12

Old Patterns…Crumbling

I spoke a bit about my family and the issues with appearance in my post Poor Body-Awareness… Big Can Of Worms, but quite frankly I was not as prepared as I thought I was. The day that we unloaded the truck, I was nervous to see my dad. I was not sure how he would comment, or what words he would use. It was a pleasant surprise for most of the day. He was so happy to see us, and focused on unloading the truck that positive things were coming out of him. Even if he says negative things, he has no idea.

There are learned behavioral patterns that come from generations back.

There is a huge contrast between my mom’s directness, which can seem cold and harsh at times, and my dad’s evasive, invisible, but confusing messages in his words. The contrast has caused years and years of confusion for me and was a major source for my self-attacks, whether mental or physical. My dad used to be more direct and harsh – this too has caused me confusion. Depending on the topic, his mood, the atmosphere, all kinds of things he changes his way of communication. I had no idea that this was typical human behavior. Since, I lived with my mom full-time and only saw my dad on weekends and holidays, or mostly holidays when he moved away, it caused me great confusion.

As the day went on I realized that I did not have that lingering fear, or dread.

I stopped at one moment and soaked in what I was feeling. I was not afraid of what I said, or how I said it. I was not paying attention to my quirks. I was not telling myself to keep my armor on – just waiting for the arrows. I was not afraid of being me. I did not care a lick what I looked like. I was actually enjoying myself, my dad, and his interactions with the kids. He did get on his topic of running for a short time it did not dominate. There were health things here and there and all was good. My mom has always been a healthy eater, (When she remembers to eat, and has money.) she has always taken good care of her body, and is physically active.

My dad is an athlete.

It is in him and has been since he was a child. His side of the family is with the exception of a few. All was well then, my aunt came over. The battle of the bods, and healthy ways of life went soaring. The competition thing that goes on between my dad and his siblings is so strange. My aunt hates it and tries very hard not to fall into it, but at some point, it becomes a way of protection. She had to list all that she is doing. My aunt runs marathons, cycles, is a mudder (The thought of being covered in mud like this just makes me ill.) does triathlons, teaches boot camp, spin class, works out on a daily basis, is a mother and wife, and in her spare time the not-what-you-would-expect-in-a-Sunday-school-teacher-teacher. (She teaches 10-11 year old boys yeah, it’s best not to give her any girl classes. )

She is 44 years and looks fabulous!

Let me mention here too that she has rheumatoid arthritis, has been diagnosed with Chronic fatigue syndrome, and had a crushed disk in her spine where they did laser surgery (She says it took away about 50 % of the pain and she feels like she can take on the world.) Oh, yes and has had to go a round of chemotherapy because they could not find out what was wrong with her specifically, and it was their last option to help with symptoms she was having (A very long story I am not going into.) all in the last few years. She continued to push her body and work full-time as much as possible during this.

However, none of this matters.

I sat listening to them talk, and the insecurity started to rise. My thoughts were if my dad was detailing every nook and cranny of my aunt and her physicality, what was he thinking of me? The conversation went a blur and I sucked in all of the words that seemed to be comparing, and dissecting. I thought, ” My god, I still have skin that is not tight on my belly from babies!! Aaaaa!” What? I started picking myself apart.

I started to wonder what other people see when they see me.

I started to pick apart my appearance. Then, when my aunt and I were alone she started talking about her body and all that she wanted to change. She shared how she felt good about many things, but needed to work on this and that. I found myself doing the same thing, until Ariel walked into the room. I looked at her and for a moment the words still escaped my lips, I stopped myself and so did my aunt. Something in us both knew we should not say these things around the kids, especially Ariel. We dropped it and went back to normal conversation.

Although, I did share that I am working through this type of behavior.

I shared that I do not even think about these types of things until other people make me feel insecure. It is the feeling as if I am supposed to feel insecure about myself. I should be picking myself apart. I am not allowed to walk in a room and feel ok with the way I look, or am dressed. That it is necessary that my body looks a certain way, and I look a certain way at all times. I thought about what had happened for days. I combed over the event, and my actions. In our discussion, it was discovered that my aunt too does not know what she looks like. She is a survivor of Bulimia, I knew this because we have discussed our eating disorders in great length in the past. Her eating disorder was for different reasons than mine, but there are common threads.

We lived with eating disorders without knowing the other was suffering for decades.

I explained dysmorphia and how it is a battle to try to live with an image that is so foreign and disconnected from myself. After pondering on these things, I believe that many of her issues with image are learned such as myself, a form of control, and the big one has a lot to do with her sensory processing issues. She had limited knowledge about her sensory processing issues. I have shared quite a bit in the time that I have been talking to her. She is a sensory seeker if you did not notice by all of the deep pressure activities she does. She told me that she has to do all of those things to help her feel good, and to keep a balanced mind. I have to do do Pilates, Yoga, or ballet so I do not fall all over the place and become too clumsy.

Though I do enjoy deep pressure workouts, but not all the time.

I love riding my bike, and I cannot wait to take her spin class. Oops! I drifted off in exercise happy. I was pleased with the fact that my mind did not loop about these things that we talked about, and I did not go into a frenzy about my body. I did not stop eating, I did not start working out like mad trying to get a six-pack in three days, I did not go look in the mirror and study all of my flaws, I saw it for what it was. (I think my vertigo helped keep me dizzy so I couldn’t loop.)

Then, on Saturday, we went over there for dinner.

The topic came up again because she is fixated on her belly and sides, which happen to be thin! However, she is starting to get into some major instructor arenas and has been accepted to do an internship with a top dog in the physical fitness world around here. She went to a Chicago Expo and is now gettin’ all elite on me! Lol! This area of business and lifestyle focuses heavily on appearance. I find it interesting that both of us have the goal of overcoming our issues with this and it is happening right at this pivotal time of change for both of us. Sorry my mind keeps floating. The comments started to fly, and I stopped and said, “There is no reason for us to talk like this. We have no reason to pick ourselves apart. Look at us we are fine just the way we are.” She looked at me and said, “Yea!”

I told her that this is a loop that needs to stop.

I am no longer going to allow us to pick ourselves apart. I said that we need to hold each other accountable and stop giving in to this behavior. It is familiar it is not real. We both automatically go into that pattern when we feel chaos, other people’s insecurities, or fear of the unknown. It is the only thing we thought we had control over all these years. It is not control when you are destroying yourself physically and mentally. That is completely out of control and harmful. She seems to think about appearance a lot more than, myself, but she had siblings picking her apart her entire life and I did not. We both had bullies and abusers tearing us down, and picking us apart. They are not here anymore and their words are not allowed to live in my head any longer.

She has been under the impression that this is all based on insecurities.

I very matter-of-factly said, “We are not insecure. There is no way we could accomplish what we have in our lives if we were insecure.” It is not about that – some of it can be stemmed in insecurities, but we learned to be insecure. As a child, I did not care about all of that stuff. I was free and happy even in the worst of environments. I liked myself, I was my only friend other than my make-believe ones, critters, rocks, the moon, the sun, all of nature that I talked to, and my stuffed animals. I did not know the world of dissecting my appearance, or being fearful of rejection if I was not pretty enough, skinny enough, trying to achieve false perfection. I didn’t know that and I most assuredly did not want it. At some point, I caved and it got the better of me, but not anymore.

I am going back to oblivious Angel, and enjoying being that free little girl.

I was amazed at how my anxieties did not take over in any of this. I did not loop about the things my dad said. (for long) I did not loop about my appearance. I did not feel that unnamable fear that just lingered over my head. I did feel sad and alone for a while. I am a little overcome with the feeling of no one understanding, but I am feeling better with that. Last night I was thinking about all of this and wonderful Lori from A Quiet Week posted a perfect post to help me. (Plus I love her doodles!!) How To Be Friends with an Aspie As I read it I was so happy that she has such a wonderful friend in her life. I personally have not experienced this in the long term. I seem to lose friends. (Except my internet ones. )

I thought I could use her post as a guide to help me with family.

My family is already open to the sensory stuff because they ALL have sensory processing disorder even though they did not know what it was called. The more that I share my quirks the more they are recognizing things in themselves. (Like I cannot eat cashews from mixed nuts because they have touched other nuts. Yes, I know a cashew is technically not a nut.) I do not have to say specifically to them what she said in her post, but I know how to work stuff in with my family and let things sink in. I used to not understand this dynamic now I do. As I read her post, I realized that I had to accept all of those things about myself before I could even think about having others accept me and my “stuff.” I am there, I have come to terms, and I plan to have my life filled with only those who are willing to accept me fully.

I need to remember to accept others for who they are as well.

This is so much longer than I had wanted it to be. I am processing so much my brain just spills. To wrap this up, I want to say that part of what I learned with this round of body image is that I have been scripting many negative and damaging thinking patterns. They are not mine they learned from others and I adopted them thinking it was the right way because I didn’t know anything different. I used to beat myself up because I did not understand why I hated myself so much. I did not know why I felt so ugly at times. I could not understand why when I looked in the mirror I saw some creature that was so foreign to me. Why haven’t I been like everyone else and able to look in the mirror and smile, or see my picture and know it was me.

My feelings at this moment, I did not feel accepted.

I disconnected, and soaked in all criticism and negativity. Praises came with attacks. Compliments with side remarks. Bullies tore me down. My body on the inside and outside sensory sensitive – my body on the outside being detached trying to protect all of me. Words hurt me, looks can confuse me, body language can derail me, rejection has damaged me, and fear has held me. The ironic thing is I feel no fear of this anymore. The insecurities are not mine, and I am tired of taking on the fears, and insecurities of others. I love my family and I hope the acceptance of myself will spawn some major changes for the good in all of us. Possibly I can make some friends in real life… maybe I am not going to push it. Ha ha ha

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06/20/12

Speaking of Fathers…

I did not forget Father’s Day and I had the kids get a little something for David. Father’s Day is always a source of anxiety for me because I start gearing myself up to call my dad. My dad’s birthday usually falls on the day before or the day after. Still for years, I have problems remembering when it is. Even though his birthday is on the same day as Paul McCartney - I have problems remembering.

I am so horrible at remembering birthdays, and holidays.

It is a significant feat if I remember your birthday. I do not know why I can remember certain people’s birthday, but others I go blank. I do not have many I can remember even though I love birthdays. I love birthdays! I feel a certain amount of guilt for not remembering birthdays, but I cannot. I have tried and I cannot. I am such a riddle wrapped up in an enigma. Hee hee

How can I make sense to others when I am confused about me?

Ok, back to my other thoughts. In the past I would fret, worry, be filled with anxiety preparing for the call to my dad. I had several things going on. I had fear of getting his birthday wrong and calling on the wrong day, or sending his card on the wrong day. I was worried I would forget Father’s Day.

Panic would rage through me.

“When is my dad’s birthday? Oh, God is it the 8^th? Is it the 18^th? When is Paul McCartney’s birthday? Why can’t I remember? Oh, God I have to call him. What am I going to say? What is he going to be disappointed about? What is he going to say about my mom? What is he going to tell me about my sisters? What can I tell him? What do I need to make sure does not slip out of my mouth?”

I am sharing part of the ongoing script that started as a child.

There is a lot more. Keep in mind this is a script for many phone conversations, not only my father. However, I have much more that I felt I needed to filter when talking to him. I cannot keep the filters up on the phone. I realized that a lot of my anxiety from the phone is the inability to stop talking. In face-to-face conversations, I can fake it.

I can stop talking and people are all right with that.

They see the need to ponder, or at least understand it a little more. On the phone, you are not able to have time to think about what you are saying. This leaves me open to panic and I am unable to control what comes out of my mouth. There can be no silence on the phone! No audible pause – you are required to keep talking. My brain gets fuzzy and flustered because I have to keep going with my words. I am left ending the conversation in complete confusion having no idea what I said.

I do not know what the person said.

Then, the conversation starts to flood my mind and this can be for days. It has been a difficult thing with my dad because I have never known how to perceive him. Some of his words hurt, his behavior was inconsistent, with my sisters and me. He would talk about other people and I did not understand why. Our conversations turned to simplistic and one-dimensional because they hurt me too badly.

I would go through phases of not talking to him for months and months.

There is a lot that happened throughout my life with our relationship that confused me, hurt me, devastated me at times, and made me angry. There are also times when I was overwhelmed with complete joy, and love for my dad. The most confusing and many times the most hurtful thing was how differently I was treated from everyone else.

He has always treated me differently.

I do not know how to explain it, but if you observed it, you could see it. He acted differently around me, and I think this confused my sisters as well. I always took this as my father not wanting me, not wanting to know me, or not being interested in me. He did not ask about me, or when he did I felt judged and condemned – I always felt lacking in all of my abilities because he would share how someone else achieved something else, or did it better.

I did not understand this and took it as being inadequate.

I think I have had much of this all wrong. I think I have misunderstood several things about my father. Now that I look at some of these things in hindsight, I believe he was trying to connect to me. He too needs to have a common interest in order to talk to people. He can be a very literal thinker. He has been prone to black-and-white thinking as well.

His words were unbending and hurtful at times.

Many things go into my relationship with father. Many, many years of pain and confusion for me and my mom was the one who was left to try to comfort me. She is not a very comforting person and it turned into my responsibility to comfort myself, and try to make sense of my father’s confusing behaviors. I have read that many people on the spectrum can reason to the point of complete illogical reasoning (I think everyone does this to some extent, but we come up with some concrete thinking that can be different from the average Joe.) just to make sense of confusing situations. I have done this my whole life with relationships.

The most irrational logic that I adopted from childhood is that “I am always at fault.”

I had to get to some logical explanation to make the loops stop – no matter how irrational or illogical it was. I will give an example of what my mom and I both said yesterday realizing how ridiculous our thinking was. I was discussing with her the things I have discovered about body image and proprioception. My mother suffers from dysmorphia as well. She feels no connection to her body, and she shared with me that she has no idea what she looks like.

This explained to me my mom’s obsessive behavior about appearance while I was growing up.

She obsessed about mine and hers sometimes it was out of control other times it was nonexistent. Lots going on there – needless to say I was confused on many occasions. It didn’t stop me from wearing my vampire boxer shorts, tank top, and socks into the grocery, thank you very much. She and I were talking about how we have no clue what we look like, and I said that all we had to go by is what others said about our appearance.

My mom and I were both mocked, and made fun of for the way we looked.

We had people in our life that would pick on parts of our body in “joking” ways. During junior high I had girlfriends do this to me, then later I had boyfriends nit-pick my body, or my behaviors. We have a childhood of those words. My mom also had her father who made fun of her looks. He thought they were funny jokes to make fun of her nose, or freckles. Those jokes destroyed my mother – she also had kids at school mocking her for the same things among other things. I was constantly mocked for various things, but mainly for my birthmark.

Then, the men in our life who claimed to love us treated us horribly.

They would pay attention to other women (girls) all the while claiming that we were the ones they wanted. They would tell us how attractive we were, or they thought we were beautiful then, would cheat on us. When it comes to cheaters, our minds now have written them off. They liars – anything they said or did say were lies. Everything. If they said, we were beautiful it was a lie. So how could we ever know what we looked liked?

If they cheated, or paid more attention to another girl than that meant we must not be attractive.

Those two factors were confusing, and did not help us to gain a true understanding of what we look like. This is completely irrational thinking. Those guys were jerks for doing that, we picked the wrong guys because we had no comprehension of our self-worth. We usually just “ended up” with them. There is a lot wrapped into that as well. It helped to talk this stuff through though and we gained a great deal of healing.

Back to my dad.

I called on Sunday forgetting that it was Sunday and that he is at church for most of the day. I was taking the kids to the beach so I would be too tired when I got back. I left a message and then, decided to call him on Monday. I decided to call him from the beach because yes, I am taking the kids as much as possible before we leave… in eight days! Aaaaaa!

It was one of the best conversations I have had with my dad.

I had no anxiety, or fear about what I said. I figured out that I need to be in a place that I really enjoy in order to be on the phone. I have settled that I will not make any calls unless I am on the beach or by water of some sort. During the summer, so I can only makes calls for a few months the rest of the time I am in phone hiding. Hee hee

My dad actually started talking to me about his sensory issues.

I expected the normal response when I started to explain what was going on with his auditory processing. It is usually changing the subject, or a transition to another person – somehow the topic is evaded. It was not the normal response he said, “So this is normal?” I laughed and said, “For those who have sensory issues.” I explained synesthesia to him because he sounded like he had some similar issues as I do – my mom has a certain form of synesthesia as well. When I told my dad he said, “Wow you got it from both sides!” This was so confirming for me. I said, “Yes! See, now can everyone be just a little bit more lenient with me?’ He said, “You mean you want some grace?”

I said, “Yes, from now on I am going to pull the grace card. A little grace here people!”

We had fun talking and I was on the phone for over an hour I believe. I did not go into shutdown, I did not get depressed, I was not filled with confusion, and I did not have some impending fear of waiting to be rejected. If my dad knew that I have gone through this my entire life he would feel so sad. He has never purposely hurt me, or even realized that he has.

With his slight acknowledgement of sensory issues it made me feel understood.

It made me feel like he wanted to know about something that I have knowledge in. It felt good. It made me hopeful for when he sees the kids. My step mom shared with me several weeks ago that they have a single mother who has a daughter with Aspergers who now goes to their church. I am not sure how everything is interpreted with her behaviors, or if they are praying for healing. She did not mention any of that. She did mention that the mom has shared about what it was like for her with her daughter, and she has shared about some of her experiences with meltdowns/shutdowns.

I think them being around someone with Aspergers, and a parent with experience has helped.

I do admit that yesterday morning I had a spout of depressive feelings. I wrote out what I was feeling through a story, and by midmorning, I was feeling better. In the afternoon the kids, mom, and I went to the beach. I am a little emotional now, but I have a lot going on – I believe it is quite normal. I think I can allow myself to feel some overwhelming feelings.

I am off to pack – Whoop!

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06/14/12

Why Does This Happen?

I do not understand my mind’s timing at all! Well I do, but I have been trying very hard not to get into serious emotional changes or dealings at this time. I was hoping to keep myself on lighter types of thoughts. However, it seems there are major triggers that are associated with my family, and my self-image. My self-image as a whole has been heavily damaged due to family and my experiences during my childhood.

I think I was trying to avoid these truths.

I am processing it all now. There are so many things intertwined with these issues that it is very hard to sit down and write out my thoughts. I had planned to do so quickly, but I ended up with almost 3000 words and me in tears. Not bad tears - overwhelming tears. They were mixed of pain and healing. That was only my first draft of processing. It is too fresh and I need to edit. I feel really good about it though. I have narrowed down certain triggers and realized that many of the feelings that I am attacked with are not my fears or insecurities at all.

I am still disappointed in some things.

I realized that I truly need to have more reinforcement that is positive in the area of appearance. Not to be told that I am beautiful all the time – nothing like that! I need to learn how to see myself properly, and I need to know what I really look like because I have no clue whatsoever. I cannot look in the mirror, and the only way that I have ever known how to gauge myself was how others perceived me and how I perceived what they were saying, or how they were treating me.

This is not a good gauge.

I have no idea how to feel comfortable with myself, or know how to see myself. I guess I will start researching ways to do that. Self-image is either nonexistent for me, or incredibly negative. Good news is I see it now, I understand many of my issues, and I can properly work through them. I think this explains my need for seeking information about how the body works and my recent fixation with learning about skin. I have been a little obsessive about skin. It is because I feel so detached from mine. I do not feel like I am in my body some days, and my skin looks foreign to me always. I do not want to get into that now though.

I will save it for my other post.

Instead, guess what? We found another house! Should be signing the lease in the next couple of days and moving in June 28th or so. I made sure to check everything this time. (They are painting the inside of the other other house, and offered for us to move in. I declined.) I actually saw this house first, but it was too expensive so I did not give it another thought. Then, last week they dropped the price so I sent my grandma out to go check it out and everything was good. Yay! Yay! Sigh…sigh… I am so sad to be leaving my mom and the ocean. I have taken the kids to the beach the last two days.

I had to use it to help Daniel focus on something else.

He is not doing very well – his anxiety and excitement are starting to get to be too much. He is all right as long as I give him the hope of the ocean a couple of hours each day. It is taking time out of other things that I need to be doing, but it is helping the kids and me so I figure it is worth it. I will just have to work smarter and faster. I can do it! That was my pep talk. I am feeling really good right now. I did not realize how much stuff was all bottled up inside of me about my body image.

I will add my mental image as well.

By mental image I mean how I allowed, or took on certain ideas about myself based on how others perceived my thoughts, or actions. I realized just how much I had accepted negative thoughts about me because someone else called me stupid, or incapable. Another person treated me badly and I automatically assumed it had to be me. My mental image has been just as dysmorphed as my body image. Man, oh man I have just had a huge load lift from me.

So now, I will leave with beach pictures and happy thoughts!

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04/12/12

Inspired By…

Today I am sharing an inspiration collage. I am not creating an art piece in the customary sense for a collage to be made. I am creating this piece with people.

“A collage (From the French: à coller, to glue, French pronunciation: [kɔ.laːʒ]) is a work of formal art, primarily in the visual arts, made from an assemblage of different forms, thus creating a new whole.” (Already linked to above.)

This past month so many new people have inspired me that I cannot possibly share them all, but I mention them now creating a visual of all that they share on their blogs. I speak of all the poets, writers, artists, musicians, spiritual influencers, science impacters, techy wonderfulers, math/number guiders, all of the TED video people who have influenced me so much, AND all of the people who share their life stories who are on the autism spectrum and/or have children on the autism spectrum. I know I have left people out, I read many blogs! Every week I take time to sit down and catch up on blogs that I have subscribed to, while discovering new ones. I usually take about an hour, two days a week to focus on people’s blogs and respond with my “like” button and/or leave comments. I have been trying to comment more because I get so enthused by people sharing themselves through their craft, yes blogging can be considered a craft as well.

I do not take it lightly — I think that it is important.

If I follow someone I put time into reading them, I know that a lot of people do not do that. It’s ok, this is who I am I invest in people as much as I can. I guess I am deemed a “fan of people” a “people groupie”. Today I was incredibly behind, I had almost 400 emails in my account, some of them were not to blogs, but the majority of them were. There are some that I am able to read on a daily basis and able to comment. Others I sometimes have to read come back later, reread, and comment. Unless I am unable to write a quick comment, then I only click “like”. As I sat down, I looked at all of the people floating in my inbox. I went through and read as much as I could. I spent about two hours off and on reading and commenting. Thinking and pondering, enjoying and delighting, my heartbreaking and feeling. I collected all of the people in my mind and my soul, then gathered up their words and images/art forms wondering how I could connect them all. I decided to write these words as they all soar through my mind their words, and life are acknowledged and creating a beautiful collage. They all inspire me.

Yesterday we had a play date with a new friend.

Our new neighbor has come over several times to talk to me to schedule sometime to get together. I was going to write about my weirdness, and the whole story with that. I am not today. She is a wonderful woman, and her daughter is so cute and such a smart little girl. My guys loved playing with her, and I enjoyed myself very much talking to the mother. However, I have been off all day from a new social encounter, but I do not feel like talking about that. Daniel and Joshua have been off all day as well, there was no formal school today. They were playing so well and they did all day I did not want to ruin it. That is a rarity for them to play well all day, no meltdowns, freak-outs, arguing, social confusions, and/or someone getting hurt. Ariel wanted to be with me all day. Stay with me I will come full circle to inspiration. She sat on my lap as I read my emails, blogs, and left comments. Until…

I showed her the Kitty Blogger.

At that point, she asked if she could go look at it on their computer. She was in there for a few minutes, laughing then asking me to come look at kitty stuff. I showed her my gravatar on some of the posts under “like” after that, she asked if she could read my blog. I asked her which one? She has sat down read my poetry blog before, and told me which ones she liked. She loves all of the images I find. This time she wanted to read the one that I have not shared with many people because it has so much of me on it. I post poems on the fly, music, links (a lot) about pretty much anything. The blog is a Hodgepodge of my brain. I pulled it up for her and off she went reading my blog, watching my videos, and looking at my images. She came in and told me that her favorite video was Akasha Project – “The Quantum Music of Hydrogen” video by Vigor Calma. She said she saw a dragon face fading, flowers, and a tiger face. You would have to watch it to see why. We talked about the video for a while, then she told me that she wanted to paint what she “felt”.

She however, informed me that she did not want to yet.

Instead, she requested to listen to my iShuffle because she wanted to listen to more of my music. She did paint a beautiful picture that I will share below. I share all of this because Ariel inspired me very much today. She is open to learning, she loves life, she is a delight to be around, she asks hard questions, and everyday something is new with her. Don’t get me wrong it is the same with the boys only in a different way. They inspire me too, but today I was not all that inspired by rowdy “Pokémon play.” Here starts the rest of my people collage, I am not able to give all of the ways that they have inspired me so I will share as much as I can. (I apologize ahead of time for not telling all of you that I linked to you — I hope you don’t mind! I am not sure what the blog rules are for that.) Ariel wanted to paint with me, and I have been wanting to try to draw and paint “Goth girls”. I love them. Here are some of my inspirations Mike and Jamie Best. (Robots and Goth Art LOVE!) I was so excited to see such beautiful collages on Lori’s blog A Quiet Week. (Hence, where I was inspired for the word.) She shared with me an artist who inspires her Suzi Blu. I instantly loved her art. This triggered me thinking about my dear bloggy friend Bruce. In the beginning of April, he made a YouTube video that stirred my heart.

I was so excited for him, and he encouraged and inspired me so much.

He is such a wonderful person and so very talented. Here is his video and you can see how he was inspired by Nina. This video has been playing in my head all month. The words he shared moved me deeply, and got me thinking about things that I have not tried because of my perfectionism issues. Nina shared with Bruce to pursue his art “even if it looked like a Pre-K kid did it.” You must go watch to get the full inspiration. This video flooded me today as Ariel asked to draw and paint with me. I decided to give my Goth girls a try. I will share the pictures below of what Ariel and I made, Joshua joined in later, Daniel didn’t want to. I will show you what he was doing too. Thanks to my good friend Lisa aka. Alienhippy who encouraged me to “try to paint and allow yourself to stim in whatever way you need to”, I have dabbled in trying to paint. I did not try much of any form of art before for various reasons. I will stick to my physical reasons, but negative interactions caused me to feel like I could not. I also have such a hard time with my hand coordination, and tasks like writing, painting, drawing, using scissors, etc… It can hurt or cramp my hands. I also can get freaky about paint or any substance being on my hands.

However, I decided to give it a try over the summer.

I have found a new and very helpful stim that helps calm some of my anxiety, and uncontrollable loops. In recent months, I have also been inspired to allow my silly side out more. I tend to hold my silliness in because I can be WAY out there sometimes, or a complete goof. I was inspired by Sam at Everyday Asperger’s , her friend “Crazy Frog” suggested I let my silly side out more. And I have listened to Crazy Frog and have gained so much understanding about others, and myself. I have felt such peace and have had great laughter from reading her blog. However, letting my silly out and being more social can trigger some serious anxiety, sometimes I am not even aware that I am feeling excited energy from being social on the internet. I think it is because I do invest time into reading people’s blogs, and I give a piece of myself every time I share my words with them. I don’t mind, I love it — I forget how much it can take out of me though. This leads into some others who inspired me this month, Inner Aspie has helped me in many areas, but one specifically has been my issues with anorexia and dysmorphia. I have not found many other Aspie’s sharing about this.

There have been some days that are hard.

I do not want to diet, or try to lose weight. I do not want to think about it, but my mind goes directly into “image attack” if anxiety, or random fears pop up. It is not about being skinny, and just because you are thin does not mean there are no problems. I am not tackling that cultural thing right now. She has inspired me to accept things about anorexia and dysmorphia issues. I was not facing them — I have been beating myself up because I immediately go there when things start to fluster me. My body refuses food — I have to force down bland noodles or rice, and broccoli on good days if I am overcome with confusion and anxiety. I lost almost 20 pounds over the summer, I did not need to. I did my best at forcing me to eat, but it was a struggle with my mind. I have to fight it, and I have gotten a lot better, but I also have held on to shame and guilt about it. I am done talking about this. Now it’s out there I am inspired to move forward and heal. Thanks to Inner Aspie I was led to Carrie’s post about meltdowns at Parenting with Asperger’s. Ironically, that very night after reading it I had the worst meltdown I have had in over 10 years. I may blog about it I don’t know yet.

I shared with Carrie in my comment that I still had guilt and shame after a meltdown.

That night I struggled so much. I was feeling social stress, and anxiety for various reasons. I was nervous, excited, and happy about our play date. There were many contributing factors, but what set me off in a rage was I thought David said I was acting like a seven year old. He did not, but that is what I heard and before I knew it my body was taken over facing all of my ex’s, my mom, and various other people in my life demeaning me telling me that what I felt or did was childish or juvenile. I had no control over myself, and thankfully, I had her blog to remind me what it is actually like when a meltdown happens. Of course, I apologized — he did too for his part in the whole episode. I will skip all of that for now. Then, today I was also inspired by Aspergirl Maybe, she has been inspiring me ever since I started reading her blog. Her strength, courage, honesty, and faith have inspired me in so many ways. As I read her post today, I was struck with how brave she has been to make the decisions she has, and the ability to follow through to take charge of her life. It inspires me to stay the course, and keep trying to stay focused on the directions I need to take in my own life.

Another person is Kirsten’s blog, quirky and laughing.

She shared the Autism Positivity Week post, and for the first time in my life I could actually write something positive about myself, share it with others on another blog and not feel guilt or like someone was going to come along and tell me that what I said was not true. Or accuse me of bragging, or being prideful. Rachel was one of the first blogs I found of an adult autistic she has inspired me in many ways on her personal blog, but the Autism and Empathy site has inspired me beyond words. It is packed full of a wonderful collage of people, and very beneficial information. My Goodness there are so many people I wish I could add on here, but I have made this far longer than I expected.

I forced myself to limit it to the last couple of weeks.

Plus, I am now teary-eyed and I hate crying so I am going to stop before the flood starts. I hope this post has inspired others, reveals what an impact all of you who share and write make in our community. Our sharing leads to more sharing, which leads to more people stepping out and trying. Creating magnificent pieces of art whether with materials or in each of our hearts. This to me shows our vast spectrum, our individuality, and our hearts to want to share, make a difference in our world, and help others. We can shake mountains with our inspiration. Thank you all for inspiring me in so many ways and helping me to step out. Who is inspiring you? How are they? Be sure you tell them, you never know how your inspiration can lead into unfolding a bunch of others to be inspires too. Now for some pictures! Even if they look like a Pre-k kid did it, I made some Goth girls and I love them! (I now have the courage to practice.)

Added 4/13/2012 (AM): Bruce has on his bulletin “Please pray for Nina! She is in the ICU.” Please keep her in your prayers, positive vibes, and /or happy thoughts!

You can click on the pictures for captions.

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