Some Current Fixations
All of my fixations can be directly linked to my special interests. I call them fixations because they are not exactly my special interests, but feed into them. My main special interests would be spirituality, numbers, music, and literature (words in any form really). I make direct links to all of them in my mind and they branch out into other links. The brain and how it works I link to all of the interests I have mentioned, as well as space, nature, people, food, and many other things. If I see a picture I can link it to a number, or something that I read in a book, or saw in a movie. If I hear a word I can many times link it to a sound, a song perhaps, or the brush of wind blowing on a particular day years and years ago.
I didn’t realize it until last night that I am constantly telling myself a story.
I know that I am always talking in my head, but I didn’t grasp what I was doing until last night. Pause. Quantum leap ahead for a moment. I have been getting sucked into the National Geographic Channel recently, last week I watched Do Parallel Universes Exist? And then last night I watched Brain Games. I would like to go into great detail about parallel universes, but I will control myself. I admit it is very hard. David mentioned an article sent to him by his father this morning about Quantum Entanglement and I got so excited. I had never heard of that, I started jumping up and squealing asking: “Oh, What is that?” I did hand flap and said: “Come on Sock Monkey, let’s go find out about quantum entanglement!” (While grabbing my sock monkey.)
Um…that would have been ok had David not been in the middle of a conversation with me.
Oops! I tried to contain myself to listen to him, but it was a little hard. I did apologize. See sidetracked again quantum leap back to the Brain Games section. They showed one on memory last night and it was so interesting. They had a simulated mugging, which the eyewitnesses did not know. They then questioned the eyewitnesses through various sets of inquiries, while the TV audience could participate as well. I could not believe all of the details they had forgotten and how they even confused them. My memory was spot on throughout the entire thing. (No, I did not use the DVR.) However, the one on perception well… I will say that I knew my brain has been messing with me my entire life. It’s so tricksy!!
I knew that my brain was missing something when they would give the perception tests.
It felt like all of my neurotransmitters were being forced to believe what was not true. I understood the false perception, but I could not make my brain stop seeing it as true. It captures my imagination so much that at times I have to cut myself off from this stuff. It is much like up in space, the galaxies, and the spreading blanket of blackness that is out there swimming with stars and planets. I get so wrapped up that I can lose myself here, or get really freaked out and panic at how big it all is. 
The comprehension of our minds and how much our perceptions can be off can consume me.
I link it all to my special interests listed above.
Everything that we feel, think, see, or experience is filtered through some perception. Our perceptions are filtered through our experiences that may or may not be accurate. This brings me back to my original statement about telling myself a story all the time. In the memory video the neuroscientist said that our brains are wired for storytelling. We remember details much better when they are given through means of a story.
Everything that I experience is through a nonstop narrative going on in my mind.
I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.
Pictures are linked to stories, linked to movies, linked to songs, linked to faces.
It goes on and on. I have a never ending tale going on in my mind at all times. It gathers details and information and automatically converts into lyrics, poems, stories, and songs. I cannot recall a time ever that I have not had this going on, but I was also not wholly aware of it. I gain more and more understanding about this through reading things from people on the autism spectrum and other people who experience Synesthesia, or who are kind of quirky like me. I thought everyone did this. I thought everyone saw visuals in their mind, saw letters and numbers with colors, saw the vibrations floating in the air. I thought everyone was as interested in my interests and also that they experienced them in the same way. Some do share in my experiences, the majority do not.
No matter how many times I read or I am told this I do not remember because that is wrapped in perception.
When I seek out information about something I am not limited to what or why I am seeking it. Take my questions about my German ancestry — there was a series of other connections that made me question my mom about them. Granted I did want to feel connected to family, I also probed her about information about my dad’s family, and our Irish, English ancestry on her father’s side. BUT I wanted to know more about the German side because I had been reading about German mathematicians, writers, scientists, and artists. I was reading about them because a while ago I found a Google doodle that I loved. (I have it on my desktop) It was for Mikhail Lomonosov’s 300th birthday. As I read about his education abroad, I connected other things that I had read not too long ago.
Then my grandma came to town which it is her family that came over from Germany.
This would be another reason for my questions about my ancestry, they are all linked. I do the same thing with my dad when I am with him about our American Indian (I do not know what is politically correct) ancestry. I think in my mind I may have wanted all of the questions answered to better understand myself. I want a correct history and perception so I have asked a lot. Each time during my interrogations I get more and more details and also bring up any inconsistencies. The whole time writing a story in my mind with words, sensory, and whatever colors my brain is tricking me with. My other fixation with Germany could very well be that I lived there as a child and I don’t remember, I have always wanted to go back, and it feels like I left something there. (My dragon maybe?? )
There is an American Indian museum in my hometown that I would literally beg my mom to take me to.
I always wanted to go there. I begged my grandma as well — she actually worked there several years ago. I don’t know why I wanted to be there, I just felt comfortable while I was there. I explored the homes, studied their artifacts, soaked in the history, and there were parts of it that were in a huge wide open field that I would just run and run in. They would let me run, leap, do my cartwheels, and flips as I laughed. I think my mom enjoyed watching me do that because she was happy I was not doing it inside our small trailer, or off of the couch.
Well there it is my brain swelling with all kinds of stuff again.
Back to my original quest here, my current fixations. The National Geographic Channel, Quantum Entanglement Wiki, The Ulam Sequence (Wiki Ulam), Kepler Mission, and relationships with people in general, but I did read this today Navigating Love and Autism. You may not see the connections, but they are all linked in my mind and contribute largely to my special interests. It is fairly certain that I am in an information gathering cycle right now. But all of these findings have been confirmation for me with things that I have been writing and it makes me happy. Oh, I forgot to mention my obsession with The Vatican Library that I briefly watched something about on 60 minutes last night, (in between Masterpiece Theater and the Bulls vs. Lakers) and I got so excited I didn’t realize that I was talking to the TV. :-/ The treasures hidden in there…sigh…
All of this stuff makes me creative and see the world with bright yellow goggles.
For those who understand my number thing I just have to share this tidbit:
“Rose scored 22 points and hit a short go-ahead shot with 4.8 seconds to play, and the Bulls rallied from an 11-point deficit in the final 3:44 for an 88-87 victory over the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday”
Look at those numbers!! Ha ha ha I just noticed that this is my 422 post.
