I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

He basically described many things in my life, and I am sure many others out there who need some confirmation today would find comfort listening to this. He is focusing more on women and girls later in the talk. He mentioned how AS girls can escape into imaginary worlds, and have imaginary friends. It made me laugh because yesterday I was talking out loud as an owl and a raven. They were my friends telling me the story that I am working on. I know that they were not real. It is just how my mind works. It is so funny how this talk is confirming so much of what I wrote out about dealing with anger. I am making more connections. It was confirming about what I am currently doing to try to find new coping mechanisms. It is confirming about me being a whistle-blower, my sensory intuition, my spy like qualities , and many other things. It is a great talk. I recommend listening to it.

Ok, back to John Keats.

This site Keats’ Kingdom had interesting facts like “Keats when he became a published poet collected every scrap of paper containing his earlier poems and burnt them as he considered them to be awful.” Um…no comment. Here are some excerpts that I found interesting as well. I am going to add my comments and indicate them by beginning with *.

Sent to Fanny Brawne February 1820

“For some reason or other your last night’s note was not so treasurable as former ones. I would fain that you call me Love still. To see you happy and in high spirits is a great consolation to me – still let me believe that you are not half as happy as my restoration would make you”

- Shows how Keats could be very selfish and inwards-thinking. Jealous and demanding

* The author here claims that Keats is being “Jealous and demanding” I question that after reading about his life. From my Aspie perspective (which really means nothing I am just stimming) I would say he is confused by her seeming happiness without him. He does not want her to feel unhappy, he treasures her joy, but he needs to know that she is missing him as much as he is missing her. He is feeling intense emotions that he felt she was feeling as well. However, by her note he is unsure which causes him to doubt her feelings. This confusion my life has often been labeled as jealousy and being demanding. He was consumed by her. In past writings he made it clear that he was uncomfortable around woman. I will share more of that later.

I wonder how many Aspies have been accused of being jealous or demanding when the reality is, we do not understand the social dynamics going on. I also wonder how often we act out in this because like Tony said in the above talk we prefer one-on-one instead of multiple people. The addition of another person can cause confusion about the relationship, and the relationship with the additional person. Relationships are so difficult. Is it that when we decide to give someone our affections we expect the same amount in return? If we see them being happy with others it could make us feel inadequate to the relationship? I don’t know these are the thoughts popping in my head at the moment. I am writing this on the fly.

“My sweet creature”
“I wander at the Beauty which has kept up the spell so fervently”

- It is strange that Keats should refer to his muse as a creature rather than a woman. Later on, he suggests that she has bewitched him, and can’t understand why she’s captivated him so much.
Fanny must have been somewhat confused by this, as Keats paints a picture of himself as being in love with Fanny, but for no particular reason except that she’s bewitched him.

* I do not find this strange at all. I express my love through animals, nature, colors, or numbers in my poetry or stories. I am able to confess my real emotions through the way I see creatures, or the world. I am not sure he was expressing that he was bewitched, but possibly he was able to express his affections in that way because it felt safer. He had never been in love before, it could have been too overwhelming to say: “Fanny, I love you”. He could have been terrified of the words — only able to express them through poems that indirectly, but cryptically revealed his true passions.

It is far easier to express your love imagining a creature as your desire of affection rather than the actual person. The creature will not reject you, and possibly he was purposely being cryptic because it was his cherished love that he did not want tainted by anyone else. Possibly she was the only one who understood what he was saying. I do have a kind of tragic love story brewing from the owl and the raven so my imagination could be taking flight here, but I will not expose anything. This is too fun.

Sent to Fanny Brawne June 1820

“..as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night”
“You are to me an object intensely desirable- the air I breathe in a room empty of you is unhealthy”

- It’s clear that Keats is hopelessly in love with Fanny. But as the letter goes on, the tone changes, almost becoming patronising:

“.. you have a thousand activities- you can be happy without me”
“You do not feel as I do- you do not know what it is to love”
“Ask yourself how many unhappy hours Keats has caused you in Lonliness”

- He just assumes Fanny doesn’t care that much for him, or perhaps he’s trying to provoke a response so that he can feel better? (assuming she will be kind in her reply)

* I do not think he is trying to provoke a reply here. Maybe he is I don’t know, but it doesn’t seem to go along with his character. Imagine thinking that you would never find a person that you could have such strong feelings for, add being confused by the social dynamics of that species, to discover one has caught your affections and seems to have the same affections. It would be scary, and if you have been abandoned before, such as he was as a child it would prove to be very challenging to trust your emotions and those of the other person. I think he has found that connection that he had never felt before and he does not know what else to with it. It is confusing to see her happy without him when he is so miserable without her.

It is hard to explain for me with friends, and even family it has been difficult to understand how people are so able to move forward without me. I have felt like it did not matter if I was around or not. Surely they never cared for me as they said they did because they are perfectly fine without me. It is part of the “all or nothing” mindset. I am getting a lot better in this area, though it is hard for me to grasp sometimes. It is not that I want them to be miserable, I just want to know that they miss me, I matter, and that they think of me. Just as I think of them, maybe not as obsessively, but at least fleeting happy thoughts. Lol! (I am not always obsessive…really…ok, about people anyway. )

It’s hard to understand where I stand in relationships.

I have expressed it before that I need someone to tell me if we are friends I will not figure it out. Well after years maybe. Like my one friend here, it took me two years to finally understand that we are good friends. I didn’t know this until a few months ago. I figured since we had not seen each other in so long that we were done being friends. I just assumed that we were finished with any kind of friendship and let it go since I had not seen her or heard from her in a while. I didn’t have any ill feelings — I just thought well it was a good run for me. Wow, that sounds kind of strange now that I wrote it out. I’ll leave it. More on Keats…

I found these letters on this site John Keats and Fanny Brawn. 

Keats felt uncomfortable with women and contemptuous of them. In July 1818, he wrote:

… I am certain I have not a right feeling towards Women–at this moment I am striving to be just to them but I cannot–Is it because they fall so far beneath my Boyish imagination? When I was a Schoolboy I thought a fair Woman a pure Goddess, my mind was a soft nest in which some one of them slept though she knew it not–I have no right to expect more than their reality.

I thought them etherial above Men–I find them perhaps equal…. I do not like to think insults in a Lady’s Company–I commit a Crime with her which absence would have not known–Is it not extraordinary? When among Men I have no evil thoughts, no malice, no spleen–I feel free to speak or to be silent–I can listen and from every one I can learn–my hands are in my pockets I am free from all suspicion and comfortable. When I am among Women I have evil thoughts, malice spleen–I cannot speak or be silent–I am full of Suspicions and therefore listen to no thing–I am in a hurry to be gone–You must be charitable and put all this perversity to my being disappointed since Boyhood–. . .

I could say a good deal about this but I will leave it in hopes of better and more worthy dispositions–and also content that I am wronging no one, for after all I do think better of Womankind than to suppose they care whether Mister John Keats five feet high likes them or not.

* Hee hee I love it! I feel the same about certain women. Sorry it’s true, and I have felt the same about certain men. Indeed. The next part amused me very much. Not in a sick way, just in a familiar and comfortable way. He was soon to meet the love of his life Fanny Brawne which makes this whole story very tragic, sad, wonderful and glorious at the same time.

It is not surprising that he would rather not marry, preferring solitude, the life of the imagination, and the appreciation of beauty:

…I hope I shall never marry. Though the most beautiful Creature were waiting for me at the end of a Journey or a walk; though the carpet were of Silk, the Curtains of the morning Clouds; the chairs and Sofa stuffed with Cygnet’s down; the food Manna, the Wine beyond Claret, the Window opening on Winandermere, I should not feel–or rather my Happiness would not be so fine, as my Solitude is sublime.

Then instead of what I have described, there is a Sublimity to welcome me home–The roaring of the wind is my wife and the Stars through the windowpane are my Children. The mighty abstract Idea I have of Beauty in all things stifles the more divided and minute domestic happiness–an amiable wife and sweet Children I contemplate as a part of that Beauty. but I must have a thousand of those beautiful particles to fill up my heart. I feel more and more every day, as my imagination strengthens, that I do not live in this world alone but in a thousand worlds–No sooner am I alone than shapes of epic greatness are stationed around me, and serve my Spirit. . .

Letter, Oct 1818

He goes on to explain, “the opinion I have of the generallity of women–who appear to me as children to whom I would rather give a Sugar Plum than my time, form a barrier against Matrimony which I rejoice in. “

I had not read all about John Keats until yesterday.

I had read his poetry before, but I had not dabbled into his life. I did not know any of this and ironically the story that is playing around in my head has very similar themes. I am not claiming that John Keats had Aspergers I am just seeing parallels for myself. And playing around to help me not get consumed in loops that I do need to get caught up in. I do find his life, and his love very interesting and I can relate very much to many of the things that I read. Who doesn’t want to consume information about John Keats? Come on! (giggle, giggle)

Here are a few links that I read:

John Keats

The Life of John Keats

The Grasshopper and The Cricket (Poem) 

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Goodness! What is wrong with me? I want chocolate!! I submitted to my craving and made chocolate covered strawberries. We will have them after dinner. I thought they looked so pretty that I would share a picture of them. They are fine looking specimens and the melted Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips are tasty. Hmm…Tasty.

Can you tell I am a little off?

I am excited and nervous about going to dance class again this week. Also, I am going to a play at the community theater in a couple of weeks with my mom and sisters for my sister’s birthday. I am looking forward to that as well as finding out the weekend that mom and I are going to Savannah there is a music festival! We are both excited, and kind of bummed. We discovered the concerts are quite pricey and after thinking about it there will be a lot more people roaming the streets.

The good news is that there could be other cool things happening because of the event.

I may be roaming the streets at night by myself since mom is usually in bed by 8:00pm and then up at 2:30am. She said she could stay up later than eight, we will see. I am ok with that I am used to her going to bed and me entertaining myself. Ha ha ha I am completely babbling because I have a lot rolling around in my head. I tried to stop my information consumption, but I cannot seem to do it. The book that I started reading is getting me thinking even more!  I am through the first chapter and I have a ton of things I want to talk about. I cannot get my thoughts organized though because I am obsessed with mythology at the moment and owls. AND everything is connecting to everything then, making me think of a billion other things.

Breathe… (Llama??)

Alright I am finished. Lol! I am excited at how well the kids are doing with school though. Yea! Again, they are arguing because of miscommunication, but school is going well. The miscommunication going on is pretty intense. All three of them are taking words and actions the wrong way from each other and from David and me. Maybe it is a sibling thing, I don’t know. David says that he had similar issues with his brothers. They were all fairly close in age so I guess it could be the situation. I am trying really hard to help them stay calm with each other and explain how they have misunderstood. Maybe this is why I am feeling off. Daniel and Joshua have been playing really well together, but if Joshua is done, Daniel gets so upset. Ariel wants a girl to play with she is “tired” of the boys.

She said she would like a robot.

Oh, well I suppose I had better get used to this kind of stuff. I just find it all so confusing sometimes. I have to share pictures of what Joshua has been creating. Since we got the Lego catalog he has been requesting all of the Batman Lego sets. We told him that he has to wait until his birthday that is in June. (He is talking about it every day.) He has decided to build his own sets until he gets the “real” ones. He creates all of them on his own — they are awesome. The other day he built an entire scene from the Batman Wii game. He also made a Penguin submarine and action figure for Daniel so they could play together. As well as building guys and robots from Robotech. I have pictures of their handwriting, drawings, and other things. Um… a lot of pictures.

Just because…

[Show as slideshow]

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The title is from an Animaniacs cartoon I watched years ago, I actually watched it again this morning with the kids. The title of this particular toon is “Wally Llama”. Here is an episode summary:

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Short) ”Wally Llama who lives on top of a mountain in the Himalayas is the wisest creature in the world. After he grows sick of answering questions he vows to stop for the rest of the day. The Warners arrive and pester him to answer one question. Eventually he gives in, but when he hears the question he goes crazy because he cannot figure out the answer. The question is why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

There are numerous reasons why I relate very much to this episode.

One being the question that the Animaniacs ask at the end “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” This is the type of question that I get all day long from my own little Animaniacs, but sometimes it is a bit too much.   The main reason why I chose to talk about this today is because I took Wally Llama’s coping skills as my own years ago after watching the episode. I was a supervisor in a stressful job, living in a stressful environment and when I would get overwhelmed I would close my eyes, plop down on the floor, (I did not care if it was the middle of the store or if I crossed my legs in a chair in the middle of a restaurant.) place my hands up, and repeat “Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama” Yes, I did. I would not always plop down, but I would hold my hands up in meditation position, close my eyes, and repeat llama.

Most people would laugh and that would help me laugh.

Once I started laughing I was able to cope. This week has been a bit rough at times and our 2319! Plan has not been working. I was at my wits end with the boys the other day because they are having such miscommunication that it is was causing some serious meltdowns.  I was getting so frustrated at not knowing how to deal with it that out of desperation I said: “Come on boys sit down criss cross applesauce. Let’s close our eyes, put our hands up like in Yoga, and you say what Mommy says.” I then said: “Llama” over and over and they said it with me within a few minutes we were all laughing and calm. After that, we were able to talk calmly about what had happened and everything was cleared up.

I have been doing it for days now.

It is working! (For the moment.) I can only find the clip of Wally Llama in Spanish which makes it sound even better. We purchased the episode off of iTunes. This week has been a huge week of progress as well… so I am not surprised by the meltdowns. All three of them have been practicing their handwriting, which is extremely stressful for them. They all have to use a lot of concentration and effort to practice writing, but they are doing so awesome. I started the Autism & Reading Comprehension this week as well and the boys are doing great! I was very surprised at how much Daniel does comprehend I shouldn’t be. All three of them comprehend, but they all three also show their comprehension through different ways. Ariel is way beyond in her reading and comprehension although — she is still enjoying doing the lessons with the boys. I really like the book and the lessons being laid out. I have to constantly try new things with the boys to keep them focused on reading.

Ariel reads all the time.  

Daniel likes to read, but he can forget words. If I do not continually stick to a reading program he will lose interest and the words that he has learned. We then have to start all over again, not for all words, but the bigger ones. This also can be quite taxing on them, and cause meltdowns. They are doing great at many of the math concepts, but need more work with subtraction. I decided to focus on subtraction this week as well. I think that may have been a bit too much to add while starting something new with reading this week. Even though they are doing well with subtraction — I did not think through all of the new things that were happening this week…for all of us.

I get kind of freaky when I know that their evaluations are coming quickly.

I have several months, but I go in hyper-drive at times wanting to make sure they are at level and learning everything they need to be learning. AND I think that is why my mind pulled out Wally Llama. I need to make sure that I am not pushing too much. These guys are above-average in many of their academics and are constantly asking questions. It is so easy to miss the progress and things that are accomplished  sitting right in front of you when you are constantly focused on the things you feel need to still be accomplished. I need to sit back and appreciate how much these guys know, and enjoy the way each of them see the world in such awesome and unique ways. I also found some Yoga DVD’s for kids that have been fun for us. We started them about two weeks ago. That is probably what triggered Wally Llama for me.

Maybe you would like to try it too, let me tell you sitting down and repeating “Llama” over and over can be quite amusing.

Here are the Yoga videos I am using with the kids.

YogaKids

Junior Yoga by Annette Lefterow (They are not as “enthused” with this one.)

AND I thought this was worth sharing as well. Everything You Thought You Knew About Learning Is Wrong

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There are times, like this moment where I feel nothing. It’s not really that I feel nothing it is I have no idea what I am feeling. However, I am not freaking out about it, and I am not trying to analyze it (fully), I am just here. There is a slight tinge in my heart at this moment that is probably triggered from the fear of exposing myself. Other than that I feel like a concrete wall from a distance. It looks as if there is nothing to it, it looks solid, gray, and hard, but when you get too close you see tiny cracks, holes, spaces, and shades of gray. I like looking at the gray wall from a distance sometimes, it feels peaceful.

I know that I am prone to put myself under a microscope more so than I do others.

I treat myself like some sort of science project trying to figure out why I do this or why I said that. I want to know why I think the things I do, especially when I feel like others around me do not or I can’t let something go. The other day when I had a meltdown I started to pick myself apart wanting to know why I did such a thing when I haven’t in so very long. Why this time? What sent me over? Why did I feel better when I threw the loaf of bread at the toaster? And why didn’t David understand that his words to me seemed to imply that I was in trouble? Why did I automatically think that I was in trouble? Why did I assume that David was implying in his words “Don’t you need to go to Target?” that he meant that I had better get off of the computer, deal with Daniel, make breakfast for everyone, and get my butt to the store, then back home again to enable him to get upstairs and get back to work?

Why did I think that?

I still am not sure what he meant and I told him after all was settled that is what I thought he was saying to me. I am still angry at his words, but I cannot tell you why exactly. Possibly because they seemed completely inappropriate at the time. I knew I had to go to the store. I knew that in order to go to the store I needed to get off of the computer, help Daniel calm down, make breakfast, and then go. I knew that so why at that moment would he say that? Why didn’t he understand that I needed to get calm myself before helping Daniel, or doing anything else? The computer and my thoughts were the only thing keeping me calm, why would he interrupt that? I am not trying to make David look bad here I am trying to figure out what I am feeling and why. Part of me at this second doesn’t care at all, then there is the analytical side that needs this puzzle resolved. I really have no answers to my questions I am writing them out to get them out of my head.

It did send me on a course of being fixated on the brain…again.

I also tried to work with the kids about their emotions and asked them to express themselves this morning. I asked them to explain what they feel like when they are angry and happy. I could only get through those two. The ironic thing is that Daniel was the only one who could clearly define what he feels like when he is angry. Joshua could not find his own answers he repeated Daniel’s, and Ariel could not answer me at all. She looked at me blankly and said:”I don’t know.” I asked her rephrasing the questions to try to help her, and she could not. She finally said:”I really don’t know. I don’t know how I feel when I am angry. When I am happy I just want to play.” I know what she means. I will share some of what Daniel told me because I think that it is awesome.

Anger expressed by Daniel

When I am angry my head makes me want to kick the door and kick you.
My stomach feels upset.
It’s ok to be mad, but it’s not ok to scream at people.
It’s not ok to hit people.
Instead of hitting, screaming, or kicking I can go read.
When I am angry for a long time, then I get really calm.
I lose my words when I get mad.

He did an incredible job expressing what anger was to him.

To be honest I was amazed that he told me all of that, and he shared more, but I will limit it to what I have already written. I asked him why he wanted to kick me and he told me because he wants me to fix it. He thinks that I know why he is upset and I should fix it. Oh, boy! I can relate to that too. I have been reading more about Theory of Mind, and see with clarity my lack of. I think that part of the reason I find it so difficult to understand others is because I do not even understand my own emotions at times. What if you lack theory of mind for yourself? I do understand that a contributing factor to my lack of understanding is suppressing my emotions.

Which one was first suppression or lack of understanding?

I would venture to say the latter because I would first have to feel the need to suppress. Suppress what? What I do not understand, emotions. They probably played off of each other, as a child I didn’t understand my emotions and I was not allowed to express them freely. They would be through meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety attacks, and what was perceived as misbehaving. These behaviors have not left me I have gotten better at controlling them or hiding them. I can link my obsessive behaviors with wanting to suppress emotions. It has helped me push them down using my rituals, or fixations to make the feelings go away.  Sometimes I will work harder at it because it is so confusing, and I don’t know what I am feeling. I see why some of my behaviors have been deemed addictive, by myself and others.

In these months that I have been working through things I have not been suppressing them.

I have been feeling them without clarity to what they are, or why I am feeling them at that moment. I have had to tell myself over and over that emotions are not bad. My emotions are telling me something. It is alright to feel them and let them ride their course. I do not know if others have such problems with this, but it is so difficult to not run and hide from them. I haven’t allowed myself though — I have continued to write whatever I am feeling. The discovery of finding release creatively has helped me greatly. The ability to write emotions whether I know what it is about or not has been healing.

I am learning a great deal about myself.

The process has brought some clarity to the difference between what I am feeling, and when I am adopting someone else’s emotions. However, some of my emotions are so intense that I don’t know how to deal with them. I was feeling very upset about many things the past couple of weeks. The other morning when I lost it I had hit my threshold. I felt exhausted from trying to help the kids with their “moments” from the past couple weeks. I get overwhelmed with feeling like I have to constantly know how to help Daniel. I get tired and frustrated from a lot of things. AND then I am supposed to be reading people as well?

I don’t have it in me.

I may sound like a narcissist, but sometimes it is just too much sensory, emotionally, and mentally wise to have to think about what another person means when they say something to me. Or having to deal with their emotions, how I may have hurt their feelings. There are times when I want to say: “Screw it!” it’s just too much. I am tired of processing emotions. I am tired of worrying about if I understand someone or if they understand me. I’m tired of passive-aggressive people. It’s a waste on me anyway it takes days, weeks, months, sometimes years to even realize someone was being passive-aggressive. I completely lost track of what I was writing here, forgive me…quisquous comes to mind. I just like “qu” words. (giggle)

Sorry if I make no sense at all I am processing the very thing I do not want to do today, but cannot stop it.

I am neither sad nor upset in this post, I really am just processing and actually feel fine. Come to think of it I feel better doing this mind dump. Hopefully, I wasn’t too negative sounding.

Some reads I thought were worth sharing.

Intellectual vs. Emotional Processing

Robert Seyfarth: Theory of Mind Video (Great! According to him I am like a three year old. I guess I can learn?)

Empathy, Mindblindness, and Theory of Mind  (I might have shared this before, but it is worth reading again.)

I will share this bit from the above link:

While some professionals will say, as in a quote from Stephen Edelson Ph.D., “…many autistic individuals do not understand that other people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view,” I think this is overly simplistic.  For myself, I can say that I absolutely understand that people have their own plans, thoughts, and points of view – but those plans, thoughts, and points of view are often a mystery to me. 

Do Not Suppress Addictive Thoughts! (I have a whole post in my head linked to damaging beliefs and suppressing addictive behaviors and/or emotions, thoughts, etc…)

DSM 5 Autism Criteria: Clarifying Impact, Taking Action

I add this as well because another source of emotional confusion for me has been numerous disputes, and then confusions regarding the DSM-5 and between people in the autism community. I have had to limit some of my reading because I get so torn reading from different perspectives. I can see the points from each party and I want to bring peace to the camps, but I cannot.

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This morning started out pretty well. I had my plans for school floating in my head, I was quickly typing out some poems that I remembered from my dreams last night, and just as I was finishing up to get ready to prepare breakfast…the tornado of Daniel came sweeping under my chair kicking and screaming. Through the yells it was revealed that he wanted a toy spider that he could not find. It started because for some reason Ariel and Joshua decided they wanted to play with toy bugs this morning. Daniel has not spoken about this spider in months, I mean MONTHS! I knew exactly which spider he was referring to because a couple weeks ago when I went into a cleaning frenzy and organized all of their toys once again, in my mad cleaning spree I saw this spider.

The spider had been in the corner of the kitchen hidden under various other objects.

It was hiding in a place that I had not seen because quite honestly I was completely overwhelmed with all of the random small pieces or mismatched toys that clustered various small places in this house. The toys that should go in a lost and found box for later, but somehow Daniel seems to think they belong in corners of the house, under my blankets on my bed, randomly placed in my closet, or completely dumped in any or all rooms of the house. I have pictures of these toy dumps for just today that I will convince him later that he needs to help me clean up. However, it will mainly be me or David cleaning it up. Yes, yes the spider.

I had to tell him that I threw it away.

WHY?? Why did I do such an evil vile thing? On purpose?! I will not go into detail, but will only say aggressive much? The last couple weeks have been the delayed reaction to the holidays. The kids in their own way have been having small meltdowns, but nothing major. Daniel has been aggressive off and on for about two weeks, but his recovery time and his aggressive behaviors have not been anywhere near what they used to be. I forget how much of a toll this takes on me because I am in reaction mode, then I wonder why I feel the need to stim for hours. This morning was pretty bad though. It was so bad that I had my own meltdown. I couldn’t help it. I was overwhelmed with being derailed once again for school and trying to pull myself together to get us able to focus and accomplish what we needed to for today.

I could not control my outburst.

It was not directed at the kids. I was trying to finish my thoughts because I was stuck and needed to get them out. Daniel was screaming at me, and kicking the back of my chair. Then, David asked: “Don’t you need to go to Target?” That did not sit well with me. I had no control over my words, and went in and started breakfast. I was throwing bread of course, and tossing eggs. Then, I stopped, put my head in my arms and kept repeating: “I can’t get back, I can’t get back.” while stomping my foot and almost crying. I was completely derailed. I have been struggling for weeks to get back to our schedule. It isn’t going well. The kids are being argumentative about school, and I am trying my best to stay motivated myself.

Long story short I had to apologize to David.

Daniel had to apologize to me. I went to Target and cried in the vitamin aisle, then felt guilt for having a meltdown. I did not find a spider so I had to go to two other stores and finally found one. If I did not get a spider Daniel would not have been able to move forward for who knows how long. I came home, gave him the spider and all was well with him anyway. Joshua and Ariel is another story. Joshua has been highly emotional lately and feeling like everyone is leaving him out. It does not make sense to me at all because no one is. It really causes me  confusion, which is never good because that makes me anxious. I don’t know how to help or even understand it. Ariel is transitioning from little girl to girl, and that has a whole other dynamic that I can relate to. I just was not expecting it at seven years old.

It’s all quite interesting.

The positive is that recovery time today and the other days have been short for the kids. I think part of my meltdown today was that I have been holding this stuff in and trying to put out fires forgetting that it affects me too. When Daniel is aggressive I have to be on my toes trying to save things in the house, stop him from throwing things, slamming doors, breaking the toys that he loves. I don’t know why he always goes to destroy his favorite toys. He always gets so upset after they are broken, it makes it worse. Wait…after thinking about it I have done the same thing. Maybe it is because we are so upset it makes us even angrier to see something that can make us happy. Possibly a form of control. Who knows I am analyzing to escape.

I am still overwhelmed and will need this day to recover.

We did finish all of our school work. Daniel completed everything and even brought me a social skills book saying: “I want to read this today. It is my favorite.” It was perfect because it has visuals and the wrong way and the right way to do things. It is this book The Social Skills Picture Book Teaching play, emotion, and communication to children with autism excellent resource. Daniel and Joshua are playing together and it is like nothing ever happened this morning. I am fine with that actually I am elated by that, but I am exhausted. I feel like I wrestled with a rhinoceros or something and I lost. It is already better so I am trying to get back on track by writing this out.

I did watch another TED video that I thought was worth sharing Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter …

Even if you feel no interest in watching the whole thing I do recommend listening to her poems in the beginning and at the end. It is a good reminder that the bad days always get better. BUT I will say it is excellent to watch she is a poet and the way that she talks about it explains my brain with poems. Project V.O.I.C.E.looks awesome!

I have been allowing the poems that are flooding through me to come out.

It is part of accepting my means of processing. I think I may feel some poems coming regarding my emotions for today, and tomorrow the kids and I are going to write some poems. I am going to see if they will be able to write some of what they have been feeling the last few weeks. The more that I listened to Sarah Kay the more I say even if you do not feel like a poet it is definitely worth watching. It is helpful to be reminded that others relate even if you do not hear from them or know it, or have consuming feelings like you have nothing to contribute. You do have a story to share and it matters.

Whatever your form of communication is — your voice matters.

Title of gallery “New Spider & Random Toy Dumps”

[Show as slideshow]

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Once again I offer you some confessions. If you have been reading my blog for a while you may have picked up on the fact that relationships are a special interest of mine. This obsession has been with me since as far back as I can remember. I have observed people and how they interact with each other and I find it fascinating. I find it to be another source of frustration that I have been unable to understand them. Well…the problem is, I do understand them, but people do not want to admit what they actually are. There you have my fascination and my overactive observing skills. It makes it very difficult for me to discern if someone is truly operating in the relationship they claim to be or if it is some sort of ruse. I find family dynamics to be the most confusing of all.

I would claim it to only be mine.

However, I have discovered in my years upon this planet that indeed other families have these strange types of dynamics as well. I recently watched a clip and trailer from a film that reflects some of what I am referring to. Meet the Artists ’11: Sam Levinson (forewarning a bit of language) Yes, I am intrigued by him and find what he has to share quite interesting. Here is the trailer “Another Happy Day” I also read this on Indiewire. It does look like it would be hard movie that many people could relate to. I personally find comfort in such films because it reveals to me that my strong desires for my family to be honest with each other is not unfounded or uncommon. Family is a complicated affair and always has been.

I am amazed that family is a pool of different characters we are supposed to be learning communication from.

In my experience I have yet to see families communicate in a positive way. I have two people in my family that I can communicate with almost fully, my mom and my aunt. I still try to filter and explain myself in a way that does not hurt them. It is an impossible task I know this, but I also know that they love me no matter what so sooner or later they will let it go. I have been harping on relationships and ways for me to discern what people are good for me because I have to be somewhat solid in this before I go back around family. They have been the greatest source of confusion for me when it comes to this, which in turn has caused me confusion with relationships outside of family as well. I am using my ballet classes as a means to test out my gauge of people I can communicate with and those I cannot.

The social aspect of the classes has caused me a great deal of stress.

That would be another reason why I have been going through what types of people I want to be friends with. I have to do that because otherwise I will get hurt. I know I will. I will end up befriending people, getting involved in their lives, and later discover that I am completely confused by the relationship. I also have not had the best of luck with many women relationships so I need to have clarity before I even step into a room full of women. I have already decided that my goal is to get to the advanced level as quickly as possible. I have no desire to build up relationships in this group, if it happens fine or if not fine. My purpose is not going to be focused on people, in the past that is what I have done and I got sidetracked and derailed.

I know I may sound bad here, but I have to practice. 

I have to practice at not getting involved with people who I seem to gravitate toward. I especially tend to gravitate toward women who are in need of affirmation. Those that are very insecure and I desire so much to build them up. Maybe they gravitate toward me who knows all I know is that it is a familiar thing that is not healthy for me. I end up sacrificing everything in order to help them find themselves only to discover all they wanted was someone to tell them how great they are while not changing. They say they want to change, but they don’t. They show interest in developing their skills and talents — I jump right in spending my time seeking out the best ways for them to do so.  I have spent hours researching things for people only to have them not use it or not really pay attention to it. It’s my “help trump” thing in my brain, I lose all reason for myself.

It is also very important for me to get my strength in this area before being around my family again.

I will lose myself completely in my family’s issues if I do not get a grasp on this. It has been good for me to do a walk through and evaluate who is good for me and who isn’t. The truth is some people in families are toxic and can be destructive relationships. I always feel horrible making statements like that because there is a certain family obligation guilt that I have experienced in my own family and with other families that I have been tied to. I think I have managed to find some resolve after all of these years in my thinking about relationships. I will have to test myself, but I believe I have gotten a stronger sense of self and understanding of certain types of people so I will not fall into old unhealthy patterns.

Alright, I am finished with the relationship topic…until next week.

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One of my most frustrating anxieties is the phone. I get so consumed by anxiety with the thought of having to call places, or new people. I do this with family and friends as well. It seems so ridiculous, it’s a phone! Millions of people are walking around with a phone calling people all day long, making appointments, ordering food whatever people do with a phone. Yet, I have to work myself up to make a simple phone call. I have worked on this for a long time. I have had jobs where I had to answer the phone, or call people. Yesterday was the first time I connected that my physical and mental exhaustion was enhanced at those workplaces because I had to talk on the phone.

I had to make a couple of phone calls yesterday.

My ballet lessons are going to start next week, I had to call to finalize everything and get the schedule, attire, etc… I had been contacting them through a woman via email, but then she told me that I needed to call the teacher. It took me two days to work up the nerve. I wrote my questions and thoughts down in case I needed them. It turned out to be very positive (yea!) and I got along well with the teacher on the phone, and I am excited that it is a guy. Yea! Again, I think that will be a better fit for me. All went well, but after I hung up I immediately started dissecting everything I said. I started pouring over the conversation wondering if I sounded like a spaz. I wondered if I was coherent in my conversation or random and chaotic.

As I went over it I realized how nice he was.

I also understood that he was happy to have another person coming to his class. I normally never think of that, I always feel like a bother. (I try not to.) Still I was all sweaty, my heart was racing, I didn’t stop thinking about if for a while until I was able to convince myself that it was a positive experience just like I initially thought. It was about a 10 minute conversation that took me about two hours to get over. Geez! Once I got over that phone call I had to prepare myself for the next one. I was calling an adult & adolescent psychiatric office. “Adult & adolescent” psychiatric office who stated that they specialize in autism spectrum disorders. I wrote my list of questions, called, and got sent to voice mail. I despise leaving messages because I never know what to say unless I have it written down, and I get all freaked out and start talking rapidly and saying whatever flies into my head.

I did alright leaving a message.

Then I had the anticipation of waiting for them to call back. It is so debilitating to wait for a phone call. I try not to focus on it, but I am in constant anxiety waiting for it. It takes a lot of work to keep the script at the forefront of my mind. I do this with everyone and the phone. If they say they are going to call I-need-them-to-call when they say they will, when they give no clarity and it is open-ended I am unable to let it go. I try, I really do. In the past if they did not call I assumed they didn’t want to talk to me or make plans like they had suggested. I would then lead into a negative loop wondering why they would say that they would call when they never intended to. Why wouldn’t they just say they didn’t want to do something if they didn’t want to? Among a million other questions. I have learned that this is faulty thinking, but it still arises.

I digress!

I was waiting for the phone call unable to do anything else, but spin the questions and how I was going to answer the phone in my head. I was also feeling anxious because I did not know what they sounded like. There are some voices that I cannot handle and if they have that particular type of voice it will throw me. The phone finally rang. She had a nice voice. I grabbed my questions went into one of the rooms and shut the door. I told her my reasons for calling, to get an adult diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. Keep in mind I have been searching for a place for months that deals with adults on the spectrum. Everywhere I called or emailed did not do anything for adults around here and they could not lead me to anyone. What is that?

When I found this place I was so hopeful.

Add to this my anxiety from calling and emailing other places with no help or directions and feeling really upset that no one is focusing on adults on the autism spectrum in my town or near my town. What was her reply to me when I said that? “That is unheard of for an adult to get a diagnosis for autism — children usually get diagnosed with it at ages between two and three. Adults would be diagnosed with Aspergers are you talking about that?” I was shaken and went off script. First her tone was hard for me to discern and I felt like she was talking to me like I was an idiot. I had already spilled out that I had a son on the spectrum so I would think that she understood I knew what I was asking for. What is she going to do if/when Asperger’s is eliminated from the DSM-V? What do adults on the spectrum miraculously disappear or now we are all Rain Man?

Forgive me it did throw me.

I lost my focus, I started rambling and saying whatever and I realized that I took over in an authoritative voice because I had lost trust in her ability to help me or understand autism. I have since recanted my initial thoughts upon contemplation. She knows nothing about me, what I have read, what I have done with Daniel, what I have written here on my blog, she has no clue that I am completely emerged in many aspects of autism, and that on a daily basis I am consuming large amounts of information about it from various means. How would she know that? I didn’t realize that until much later. All in all it turned out good. I am fairly certain that I convinced her I was at least Asperger’s in the short time we were on the phone because she changed her tune as well after I changed mine.

She took on a more therapist type of persona.

She became calm as she spoke to me, and finally said that she didn’t think that we would be a good fit since she works with children. Halt! I was sent to her because she was the one who was the “autism” doctor in the office, the name of the office clearly states “adults” in its title. I was confused. She explained to me that they do not handle adults with “Asperger’s” because remember only adults have Asperger’s. Fine. I shutdown. She did catch on that something was wrong, and she gave me names of two neuropsychologists in the area that may be able to help. She was pleasant at the end, I liked how she was able to manage me a bit to bring me back from my fuzzy mind, and she did direct me to people who may be able to help. At the end she wished me luck and I thanked her.

I put the phone down and started crying.

Only for a moment, but the whole thing was too much. Once again I was overwhelmed with calling a place that could not help me. I was overwhelmed with having to talk to a stranger on the phone. I was overwhelmed with the FACT that I cannot pick up a phone and be ok! It is a source of frustration for me. The good news I did not loop about either of the two conversations I had yesterday. I was able to collect my thoughts, reason through and see that everything was fine. However, my day was shot I was stimming all night on music and reading blogs. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t know how I made it through some of my workplaces. Especially the insurance office and the temporary agency where my job required me to answer the phone. Now that I think of it for several reasons those places were not good for me to work at, but also at both places I got physically ill.

While at the insurance place I was diagnosed with depression. 

Then, put on anti-depressants. While at the agency I was sick for months. I was depressed then too, but could not admit it because people in my life told me that my faith should be healing me from those dark thoughts. Long story. Back to the phone. After I got off the phone with her, I looked up the doctors names she gave me. I scoped out their websites, and decided to send an email to one who said she did “autism spectrum disorder” evaluations. She did not make it clear that she did adults, though she mentions adults, but after my last phone call I had to know. I sent an email and indeed she does. Yes! She was helpful too in offering to answer any questions I have. I will call her tomorrow. I need a phone break. I was happy with her quick response to my email and directness to my questions. I am hopeful…again.

Now if I could only be ok with the phone! I need phone therapy me thinks.

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I just watched Alain de Botton on TED, and I thought there were so many great things that he said. I think the topic of polarization whether through religion vs. Atheism, politics, or our different views in the autism community is good to always self-evaluate. It shares a similar thread with the talk I shared from David Eagleman on TEDxHouston. I will not break them down fully, but the main point is to be open to possibilities. As I watched Alain de Botton I captured details about seeking good things out of religions, but I took home the good things about Atheism as well. I am very art minded and my personal experience with church and the arts has not been that positive or accepting. However, from his point of view because he is outside of the walls of a religion he is able to see the good in what church or religions have done for the arts.

I think that is great!

I love that it makes me take a look at my own views to see how I am being polarized in my thinking in some areas because I am so close to the subject or situation. I appreciate his talk which can be watched here Alain de Botton: Atheism 2.0. I thought it was refreshing and had a lot of insight that can be applied into my views on faith, and church. It also reminded me to see how much my views can get distorted when I get fixated on one specific thing. I believe this is why I find so much peace when I am gathering information from different views, or faiths because I know my ability to trick myself into a black-and-white world. I then have an inner struggle without realizing it because something does not feel right…but what? It doesn’t feel right because it is a form of conformity, which is uncomfortable for my mind.

I naturally rail against it.

I always want to be open, and willing to understand another person’s perspective. Um…As long as it is not detrimental or destructive, such as blatant racism or hatred. However, I do seem to gravitate toward wanting to understand their reasons for being racist or full of hate. Why? Why? Why? I can get fixated with that my serial killer obsession comes to mind. I find the meeting of minds, and discussions to develop, learn, and change to be a need in my life. I will shutdown in heated arguments, or rants out of hurt or fearful emotions. I took this video as a positive way to look at religion that I had lost, and I also was quite intrigued by his views. They made me think and gave me some wonderful things to think about and process. It is ironic that I am currently working through a post in my mind about my reasons for polarizing or constantly trying to create an all or nothing type of environment. It has been a coping mechanism of mine that I am dismantling.

I appreciate his respect toward religion, but also him being himself and clearly not believing.

I found I liked his humor, and many things he had to share. At the end I really liked his explanation of not needing a mystical experience in order to feel connected to something bigger. I struggle with that all the time in my spiritual community, feeling inadequate or lacking because I do have or feel something “mystical” happening to me. I tend to feel a great connection, sense of belonging, and oneness with people when they share with me. If they share music, poems, words, or if I am watching someone operate in their talent. I feel connected and oneness to something bigger. Even in his talk I felt it — I guess it is more like I feel the oneness when I see other people expressing their passions, their hearts, and who they truly are without hindrance. I say that makes me feel one with humanity to some extent which makes me feel connected to God or if you would like to say the Universe or Higher Power. I find having a true connection with someone to be quite a mystical experience.

All of us can benefit so much when we cast our filters down for a moment.

Alright that’s my peace talk for the day. I know it is a kumbaya fantasy of mine, but without those fantasies I lose hope. If anything this is for me to see areas that I am being polarized in my thinking and finding good in something I started to lose any hope in. On another note here is David Eagleman on The Colbert Report. I thought it was funny and it proves once again that my brain is indeed messing with me!!  I knew it I just needed more evidence. I hope to get his new book sometime soon as well. I am enjoying SUM very much, and it has me thinking as well. And I don’t know why Proust keeps coming up in my life. I must really need to be learning something there, or it’s just the Universe and my brain messing with me…that happens a lot.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Part of the problem as well is I think everyone else has no problems. I fall into the line of thinking that people have not felt this sort of thing — I feel that mainly with people in my personal life. I look at them and think they have it altogether and want to know why I do not. I do not know how to separate my own feelings of not wanting to hurt anyone from expressing myself. It makes me ache so badly at the thought of telling someone what I am feeling and then see it hurt them, or make them angry. I do not know how to process my emotions or what I am feeling by hurting or causing anger in another person. I am willing to die a slow aching death inside instead of telling someone how I feel fully.

I have instead built walls.

Only later to explode with emotion trying to force people to leave or I become numb to them so that I can finally say what I need to. Then, I wait in anticipation because I do not know how they are going to respond. Somehow I have to train my mind to be able to speak up and say that my pains and hurts matter. I have to express it even if it does affect someone else in a negative way or they do not give a flying fahrvergnügen. (It popped in my head and sounded funny so I used it.) David has been exposed to my working through expressing myself it has been very hard for him at times. I seem to not be as affected when he expresses his emotions to me — I think it may be from my years of listening to others express themselves.

David had no idea that I have been so unhappy for all of these years.

He had no idea I had been depressed for years, especially when we lived out West. He had no idea I was holding on to a broken heart from a long time ago. He had no idea that I was hiding behind a shadow of him. He had no idea that I was hiding so much of myself all of these years. Honestly either did I. He has lived with me 24/7 for years now and he did not know. I did what I have done my entire life, I pushed back any of my doubts, fears, and questions for the sake of trying to make/keep people happy. It was not because he did anything to make me do that, I just assumed the role that I had been given since childhood. I pushed back all of my emotions because I did not think that they mattered, or that I was making them up. I am saying this again, that I would be rejected, or that I would hurt someone. I say “rejection” often because it is a big one, and as I have read around the blogosphere many people feel it.

I wanted everyone else to be happy, to the point of my unhappiness.

As I have taken a look at my past relationships with everyone I have seen many things with clarity. I have stepped away from denial and looked at them again — there have been true moments of understanding. This is hard for me to accept, but no matter how much they said they cared about me they still treated me like they didn’t. I have been an afterthought in many people’s lives that I have continued to regard as close and dear. The only way I can understand is by looking at them through a spectrum. One end of the spectrum is unconditional love the other end is complete hatred, most people fall into the middle even when they claim unconditional love. Maybe that is their definition of it. Maybe that is all they are capable of. Maybe my expectations are too high, but they have been too low for long enough so we’ll see how things go.

The focus has to be on the relationship.

Defining a relationship is a hard one for me since I have only known to suppress myself in them. I have read all kinds of things, I have written about it, and still my mind cannot grasp it. I guess I have to just look at the basics. Relationships are mutual in communication, trying to understand each other, sharing, being honest, and I believe acceptance is key. The other thing for a relationship to work is asking: “How does the other person define the relationship?”  I believe a lot of my confusion lies in, once again, my definitions of the relationships I have with people. I think my lacking theory of mind has caused me to believe that others feel the same way I do about them. The times that I discovered they do not or they do not place the amount of importance on things like I do, causes me to get hurt or confused.

I can confuse people because I am normally fine with limited contact.

I can go back and forth from not contacting at all to bombarding them with emails or fb posts. I don’t get upset if I do not hear from people all the time. I only get anxious when I am not sure what the relationship is. I can go months without talking to someone if I know how they feel about me. If I am unsure, I get loopy that is mostly with new relationships and family. An example is when I first became friends with someone online, both of us being Aspies with similar issues made it hard at first. We were both worried that the other would misunderstand, and leave. Or that we would offend each other, but after a month or so of us saying “I am not leaving, you cannot offend me, I fully accept you” we finally felt safe. (She rocks!) And that my friends is a loving thing to do for an Aspie.

I do see my patterns, but it may take a while to implement.

I think if I define what a healthy relationship is to me it will be very beneficial. I have spent so many years focused on what relationships mean to others. I know that if I no longer want to be hurt I need to change some things. I found a quote the other day that said: “I don’t know how to be someone that you would miss.” When I first read it I felt like it rang true with me, I felt like I wish I could be a person that someone would miss. The more I thought about it I got angry, and thought that quote may have it wrong. It should be something like: “It’s a shame you don’t know that I am someone to be missed”, or something much cleverer.   Actually Lisa from Alienhippy shared this quote the other day and I guess it makes it quite clear.

“Stop spending time with the wrong people. Life is too short to be with anyone who sucks the happiness out of you like marrow from a bone. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room. Never fight for a spot or sell yourself to someone who overlooks your worth. And, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.”

 ~ Dr. Christiane Northrup~

I don’t know how to walk in this quote, but I will try…

I read this quote the other day too.

“The meek shall inherit the earth because the aggressive people of the world will trample their face into it!” Ouch!

Disclaimer: What I have shared may have repeating information about relationships, I cannot keep track of my roaming mind. If indeed you have read things from me that are the same or quite similar well just remember I can be very loopy. However, every loop I go through I get a bit more clarity so enjoy the ride.

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Before I go into this post, I would like to share that my source of shutdown this past week was triggered by numerous things. I completely forgot how fragile I am in January. I have triggers for this month, and no matter how great I feel during/after the holidays it is inevitable that meltdowns/shutdowns are going to happen. I am writing this to say to myself and anyone else who may be feeling what I am feeling “It is ok.” Holidays are a lot and we need release. My emotions were triggered even further by the feeling of being left out by my family. It happens every year, it happens when I am with them or not. The fact is, I do not think that I will ever feel comfortable with them. I need to accept that. The exception being my aunt that I love dearly and who means the world to me. She does accept me and our family the way we are. When New Year’s weekend came and went I was overwhelmed with feeling invisible.

Every year the family meets at her house for the New Year’s weekend to celebrate.

They celebrate Christmas as well at that time. As I saw the pictures of everyone, I got engulfed with emotions that I am not sure how to describe fully. It brought about fears and anxieties about moving back there. Shortly after that I began to feel as if my aunt was angry at me, or upset for some reason that I concocted. I tried desperately to stop the loops, but the thought of losing my aunt and then not knowing how things would work with us moving back consumed me. I went into a panic and emailed her. I was devastated when I had not heard back from her fearing that she indeed was upset, and I was not making it up. I forced myself to work through it, and came to the conclusion that I was overreacting and to wait it out. I got resolved in my mind, after my panic and shutdown of course. Long story short, for some reason my email did not go through until later in the week.

This is part of my process.

I am looking at and discerning my irrational thoughts.  I am deciphering who accepts me fully, and deciding what types of relationships we should have. In the past my only options were all or nothing. This is a damaging thinking pattern, especially when it is based on irrational fears. Although I will say that many of my fears are not unfounded, I have been treated like crap. I do not need to make my choices based on social confusion, or feeling far too inadequate to understand. I am seeking to base it on a balanced mind frame. I have been unable to share with my aunt the past three months what I have been going through. When I finally could write out my words, I was fearful of the outcome. I had no reason to be with her, but because of me being overly sensitive this month with emotions, sensory, and working through everything that I have been sharing on here, I could not think straight. All of that being said here I go.

Starting from the end of Faking Happy I

I do cause myself much pain by holding in my words, and not expressing myself to certain people in my life. I do not know how, and until I feel comfortable I am not going to. This one is very hard to work through because I have managed to fake being happy and hide my feelings for so long that I truly do not know how to express them with clarity. It makes it even more difficult because I am still unable to know what I am hurt, angry, or frustrated by specifically. I am not altogether able to pinpoint what it is that has hurt me or is hurting me. The only thing I can determine is that it hurts or it feels wrong. The only thing I know how to do is write them through poetry or fiction. I still am not able to figure it out right away.

I am also learning how to express myself when I feel happy.

I felt real happiness this last month. I was happy because I conquered some pretty big giants that were in my life. Now I am facing other ones. I mentioned that David took me to a ballet in 2008, he had no idea how moved I was until the other day when I voiced it to him. He knew that I liked ballet, my mom and sisters made darn sure that I got to go by insisting that they would watch the kids. I had never left them with anyone at that point for any amount of time. They knew how important the ballet was to me though. David knew that I would be happy, but he barely remembered it because my response to him seemed very subtle. He said he remembered that I sat there quietly through the whole performance, which is very unusual for me. He had no idea that I was so happy that I had tears of joy, or that it meant that much to me. I thought it was clear how much it meant to me.

I wasn’t. I only thanked him and talked about it a little afterwards.

He had no idea that I studied the booklet from the show, and then researched the group online. I didn’t share any of that. He didn’t even know that I kept it and the tickets. I had waited my whole life to see a real ballet group perform, and I felt too vulnerable to share any joy. Possibly since I had only shared with myself my joys for so long I didn’t know how. More likely it is both. David mentioned the other day that I did not cry about anything except for people I was praying for when we met. I actually didn’t cry until two or three years after we were together. It was after the twins were born. I think my tears came from being completely overwhelmed and exhausted from the changes of being a mother, taking care of the twins, being completely isolated, and Daniel not sleeping, crying/screaming for hours, not eating and various other things.

I was sleep deprived and had sensory issues from everything.

I didn’t know how to express any of that either. I couldn’t understand why I was having problems when so many other mothers seem to have no issues, and that is a whole other story. I do not know how to express myself to a person and not feel guilt or fear that they will reject me or my feelings. The scripts that I have are of people getting angry at me for voicing my emotions, or telling me that I was being foolish for feeling those things. Those are forms of emotional abandonment. I also get struck with the fear that they will leave because they think that I am too much or that my problems reveal what a mental case I am. I do not mean that in a bad way, please do not get offended I do not know how else to word it. I have not felt safe to share my real joys, or how much I care about things because people have hurt me when they discover my passions.

My problems are not any different from a lot of people.

To be continued in Faking Happy III (This got much longer than I anticipated…sorry. )

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