Today started the next two weeks of adventures at the Y. Ariel has gymnastics camp every morning this week and Joshua will trade off next week starting his basketball camp. We have never done anything like this before. There are many reasons for that, but I am excited that we finally get the opportunity. It is great to give the kids a chance to try things that they are interested in. I cannot wait for Daniel’s music therapy/social group to start. (June 21st) I think this is going to be amazing for him. I am also excited to have found a possible piano teacher for him whose cost per lesson is something that we can afford. I am calling her tomorrow. (Can’t wait!)
This experience will be a challenge and huge progress for us.
I thought about all of the new social situations that we will all be doing and about the social/sensory/life stress in general that is happening in the next two weeks. It made me think that I REALLY need to make this as positive as possible and that I need to try to reduce our anxiety levels as much as possible. My mind has been soaring for days. Yesterday, I could not think straight at all – I was a hyper-spaz. I truly was there is no way around it. I was jittery, my mind was racing, I could not get a calm moment, I started to lose my words, I started to panic about my family, then freaking out about past events that I do not even care about. I almost went into a complete shutdown, but was able to pull out after a couple of hours. Basically I was spinning in looping circles of nothing and everything.
I could not make it stop.
I knew that I had to do something so I came up with ideas on how to give myself direction for the next two weeks. What helps me? Writing. Ok, write posts about your week. I need a purpose because my routine is ALL out of whack. I need a purpose and a new routine for these weeks because the kids need me to be calm and focused. They too need as much routine as possible. Because I gave myself a goal of writing about all of this, it helped calm my mind. This made it possible for me to come up with a routine that I could layout for the kids.
Yay! We all feel a little better.
Another thing that I need to do is write out what is causing me to feel so much anxiety. My anxiety is not all because of our routine change or having more social interactions than, usual. It stems from what is happening in with our living situation. Currently, the homeowners of this house have been doing triangular communication. They have sent me texts in the evenings, committing to things that they are responsible for in the lease, and not following through.
For several, months we have had problems with the plumbing throughout this house.
Now the owner is not taking care of some major leaks. We finally got the property manager out here and he is in agreement with us that we should not be dealing with these situations. As per the lease, the owners have not kept their part of the deal. We have also had our lives continually disrupted with people coming and going. I have not been given much notice, on some days they have texted me 10 minutes before telling me that someone was to arrive at our home. We have explained about Daniel, Autism, and how this is not something that can happen. People just do not get it.
I have been concerned with some of the people they have sent out to work on the home.
One day I was told that the landscaper was going to come at noon. I took the kids to the park in hopes of them being gone by the time we came home. However, when I arrived home several hours later there was a man sitting in our yard. My husband was home so I was very confused and a bit concerned. (I thought I could take him, besides the ax was right there when I opened the garage so if he came anywhere near my kids he would have lost an ear or something. I am not violent, but if anyone tries to mess with my kids they are going down! )
The man could not speak English, but I managed to understand that he was sent their by the owners.
A landscaper with no equipment or lawn anything? He did not work on the lawn, he cleaned the gutters. A few days later the owners texted me and said that they were sending “the landscaper” and “Do you have any garden tools that he can use?” Um, no. Even if we did, there is not a chance that I would let him use them. What if he got hurt? Good grief! So that is just a little taste of what has been happening. So now, I have been looking for new houses to rent. It is very limited. We have specific needs and currently the only home that would work is not available until September 1st.
That sets off a whole other round of anxieties.
School starts up again August 12th and my husband is supposed to be working out of town the last two weeks of August. Daniel and Ariel are starting third grade, which will be a new transition, and it takes a while for Daniel to get comfortable with new homes. It normally, leads to weeks of meltdowns and all sorts of overloadedness. Granted he did much better this last move and he will mostly likely do even better with another move because he will be in therapy and we can work on the move transition for about two week before we do it. Still, it is a lot. Frankly, I would just like to live in a house that is not constantly having problems. It leaves me in a perpetual state of anxiety.
In the back of mind, all sorts scenarios and questions swarm.
What is going to break next? What of ours is going to be ruined? Who is going to randomly show up? Am I going to get a text tonight at 10 pm? So on and so forth. (I like saying that, I do not know why. Lol!) I have no SAFE place! My goodness, I have been saying that for a long time. I am beginning to feel like the Y is my only safe place. It had better not turn on me! All right, those are some of the reasons for my overly anxious self. The good news is that today went great.
The boys and I had fun swimming all morning.
My cousin showed up too and I was able to talk to her more about the home school group. Come to find out she is good friends with the woman I have been trying to connect with since before we moved here. She is the woman who leads a support group for families affected with Autism. Affected? Is that the right word? I do not know anymore, I am sorry folks I cannot stay politically correct all the time it is just too much for me. I ask that you please do not get offended, but I cannot do anything about if you do so let’s just move along – shall we?
It was good to get a feel of how Autism is perceived.
I shared with her some of my negative encounters and why I am so “on guard” when speaking to people about Autism. She understood how I could be like after hearing some of the things spoken to me. I became worried when I heard the words “heal Autism.” That is a trigger because of what I have experienced and it makes me very sad. Although, I understand why people feel this way, and I also understand that many people accept their child as Autistic. They love them for ALL of who they are, but they would like the challenges, pain, and any perceived or actual suffering to go away.
I get that, I think many times the words get jumbled and communication gets distorted.
I ended up telling her that I was diagnosed Aspergers because I was telling her how it was not an environmental or some other issue when it came to us. Not that those could not have played a role, but it is seems pretty clear that my genes and my husband’s genes carry some heavy traits. She did not seem surprised and shared a positive story about a teenage Aspergers boy that she knows. It was really good talking to her and ironically, I feel very comfortable with her. Ironic because I normally feel very awkward and out of place when I am with my family. She is very open and has a peaceful feel about her so I enjoy talking to her.
However, I started to panic when I got home.
I have not even told my dad that I am diagnosed Aspergers! My mind started to race and anxiety filled my body. All sorts of things flooded my brain. Did I say too much? What does she think of me? Did I sound negative? Did I say anything that off the wall? I cannot remember all of the nonsense that filled my brain. I stopped, told myself to sit down and write this post. There is no reason for me to think any of those thoughts, even if they were true, it is ok. She would not cut me off or ignore me simply because I spilled too much information or if we did not agree. That is the whole point of her home school group.
She shared that the people are very accepting.
I was so happy to hear that there are Christians, Pagans, and Atheists among her homeschooling group community. It makes me feel so much better about participating in their activities. After these two weeks, we are definitely going to go to their meet ups. I am still not done with the Y today. I have my spin class tonight and I am looking forward to it.
Ariel and Joshua are staying home so I will be heading out alone.
Woot! A car ride there and back all to myself – a total of 14 minutes alone! I am doing a happy dance. I do not think the rest of my posts will be as long as this one. My hope is to share all the positives and take pictures to help remind me of all the fantastic-awesomeness that may get lost in my chaotic mind!
Some pictures from our fun last Saturday! Splash pads rule! (Except when they are freezing cold or splash me in the face then, they are torture devices that are trying to kill me. Just sayin’.)