(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Short) ”Wally Llama who lives on top of a mountain in the Himalayas is the wisest creature in the world. After he grows sick of answering questions he vows to stop for the rest of the day. The Warners arrive and pester him to answer one question. Eventually he gives in, but when he hears the question he goes crazy because he cannot figure out the answer. The question is why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?

There are numerous reasons why I relate very much to this episode.

One being the question that the Animaniacs ask at the end “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten, and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” This is the type of question that I get all day long from my own little Animaniacs, but sometimes it is a bit too much.   The main reason why I chose to talk about this today is because I took Wally Llama’s coping skills as my own years ago after watching the episode. I was a supervisor in a stressful job, living in a stressful environment and when I would get overwhelmed I would close my eyes, plop down on the floor, (I did not care if it was the middle of the store or if I crossed my legs in a chair in the middle of a restaurant.) place my hands up, and repeat “Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama” Yes, I did. I would not always plop down, but I would hold my hands up in meditation position, close my eyes, and repeat llama.

Most people would laugh and that would help me laugh.

Once I started laughing I was able to cope. This week has been a bit rough at times and our 2319! Plan has not been working. I was at my wits end with the boys the other day because they are having such miscommunication that it is was causing some serious meltdowns.  I was getting so frustrated at not knowing how to deal with it that out of desperation I said: “Come on boys sit down criss cross applesauce. Let’s close our eyes, put our hands up like in Yoga, and you say what Mommy says.” I then said: “Llama” over and over and they said it with me within a few minutes we were all laughing and calm. After that, we were able to talk calmly about what had happened and everything was cleared up.

I have been doing it for days now.

It is working! (For the moment.) I can only find the clip of Wally Llama in Spanish which makes it sound even better. We purchased the episode off of iTunes. This week has been a huge week of progress as well… so I am not surprised by the meltdowns. All three of them have been practicing their handwriting, which is extremely stressful for them. They all have to use a lot of concentration and effort to practice writing, but they are doing so awesome. I started the Autism & Reading Comprehension this week as well and the boys are doing great! I was very surprised at how much Daniel does comprehend I shouldn’t be. All three of them comprehend, but they all three also show their comprehension through different ways. Ariel is way beyond in her reading and comprehension although — she is still enjoying doing the lessons with the boys. I really like the book and the lessons being laid out. I have to constantly try new things with the boys to keep them focused on reading.

Ariel reads all the time.  

Daniel likes to read, but he can forget words. If I do not continually stick to a reading program he will lose interest and the words that he has learned. We then have to start all over again, not for all words, but the bigger ones. This also can be quite taxing on them, and cause meltdowns. They are doing great at many of the math concepts, but need more work with subtraction. I decided to focus on subtraction this week as well. I think that may have been a bit too much to add while starting something new with reading this week. Even though they are doing well with subtraction — I did not think through all of the new things that were happening this week…for all of us.

I get kind of freaky when I know that their evaluations are coming quickly.

I have several months, but I go in hyper-drive at times wanting to make sure they are at level and learning everything they need to be learning. AND I think that is why my mind pulled out Wally Llama. I need to make sure that I am not pushing too much. These guys are above-average in many of their academics and are constantly asking questions. It is so easy to miss the progress and things that are accomplished  sitting right in front of you when you are constantly focused on the things you feel need to still be accomplished. I need to sit back and appreciate how much these guys know, and enjoy the way each of them see the world in such awesome and unique ways. I also found some Yoga DVD’s for kids that have been fun for us. We started them about two weeks ago. That is probably what triggered Wally Llama for me.

Maybe you would like to try it too, let me tell you sitting down and repeating “Llama” over and over can be quite amusing.

Here are the Yoga videos I am using with the kids.

YogaKids

Junior Yoga by Annette Lefterow (They are not as “enthused” with this one.)

AND I thought this was worth sharing as well. Everything You Thought You Knew About Learning Is Wrong

I did want to be a ballet dancer, but it wasn’t in the plans for me.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t (can’t) dance at home. After losing my childhood fantasy my next one was to go to an actual ballet. In 2008 David took me to see a Russian Ballet Group. They performed a medley of dances from well known ballets. The theater was small and freezing, but it was quaint. When the first dancer came out, I was struck with her perfection. Her strength and beauty, along with flawless performance being enhanced by her amazing costume brought tears to my eyes. I sat in awe and was consumed throughout all of the performances. I remembered my eyes barely blinking and my heart thumping feeling as though these dancers are too grand and dynamic to waste in that theater. Then I thought how thankful I was that they were willing to share their art in such a tiny theater for my eyes to experience.

I hope to one day see a full length ballet.

I also hope to see an opera, an orchestra perform, a play, and a huge awesome museum one day. It is ironic to me that I have not experienced these things when they are so dear to my heart. I have read about them my whole life and even watched them on TV. I have experienced other people’s reactions through movies, as well as asking real life people to describe it for me, but I have not experienced it. I want to feel the live music of a violinist sweep me away. I want to experience the woodwinds, brass, percussion, and strings all together reaching in my ears and penetrating the insides of me. I want to experience what it is like to watch Swan Lake being physically surrounded by the music and watching the dancers. I want to live in the moments of Giselle as she and Albrecht dance and then watch her fade into the forest.

As I think of plays I cannot decide which I would want to see.

I would treasure the experience of any I think. I live through the internet experiencing all of the museums I would like to see. I adore Egyptian, Greek, and Roman artifacts, but I have so many other things as well that I love to stare at and admire. I could live in museums as well as a bookstore, a lifetime of being swallowed up in all of the history. I could live happily for an eternity with each passing decade of time soaking up the history, their lifestyles, their art, and all of their lives from disasters to great achievements. I wish I could get my brain to gather it all up and remember everything!

My dreams of experiencing some of these things can be more of a reality once we move.

There is just not much of that around here, or the facilities to do it. Most of all I hope for the kids to experience these things, as they get old enough to appreciate them. I hope they get to experience a great ballet or play at least once in their young life. At first I was not exactly sure what triggered all of this. Then, it hit me. I had people in my life, friends and otherwise who did not enjoy these things. I had to hide my wants and desires and pretend that I didn’t care about them. My childhood was spent reading and imagining what it was going to be like one day to experience these things. As I grew older I felt unworthy to even think I should have thoughts of experiencing them. I felt like the lowly theater that I had watched the magnificent ballerinas perform in.

Even my eyes and ears were not allowed to experience this kind of beauty.

My mom did take my sisters to such things later when she was able to afford it, but I was living in another state by then. My third boyfriend loved these things, but for some reason we never went to anything. As I recall he did not take me anywhere. He would go to such prestigious things without me. I am not sure why, but I felt like he was embarrassed of me. I felt like I was not “classy” enough to participate. I do not know if that is true, but based on his actions and words I came to that conclusion.

 I stopped listening to any sort of instrumental music for a long time.

I convinced myself that I did not like it. I would not allow myself to listen to any of the great composers or any of the most recent treasures that tap the ears nowadays. If asked about classical music I would often say that I didn’t like it, much like many things that I just did not want to talk about. I believe classical and instrumental music caused too many triggers about dancing, and the things I didn’t feel I could experience. The music does open up my imagination and creates dances in my mind. They unleash poetry, and images that I would not allow myself to have. The people that had been in my life did not understand music like that or the significance of listening to an opera in all French or Russian. It melts my heart to think of it as I write. I could have experienced these things when I lived in a big city, during my young adult life, but I just didn’t.

I didn’t allow myself.

I didn’t want to feel. It is the same reason for not allowing me to read, or to write. I did not want to feel or experience things that made me happy because they were wrapped up in too many things that made me unhappy. I had been stripped of dignity and self-worth for so long that I thought I would taint such beauty in the world. I knew that I could be around nature and its beauty because the rain would cleanse it. I was allowed to talk to the flowers, the trees, the waters, and the animals because they could not be tainted. I have no idea how I twisted in my mind that music, art, and any form of performing arts were not allowed as a reality in my world. David has experienced many of these things, I am not jealous, but I have interrogated him for his experiences many times to live through them. I live vicariously through his stories of him and his ex-wife (She is German so I enjoy hearing about her, she also sounds like a really good person.) on their adventures across Europe, visiting her family all across Germany, and going to plays, operas, the symphony, and whatever. It sounds so lovely.

There are actually several things that triggered these thoughts.

I will not go through all of the connections, but one was this video that I thought was great. Pretending to be normal: A photo story of Asperger’s Syndrome. I have also been informed by my mom that she is taking me to Savannah, GA for my birthday that is in a few months. We will be going for the whole weekend! I have always wanted to go there. One of my other favorite movies takes place there Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil . Oh, I still have not read the book, I think I might. I am so excited, and worried. I have never left the children for any longer than a few hours. She told me ahead of time so I can prepare myself, them, and David. I am the main issue I think.   I can’t wait to experience what it’s like there. There are so many things to see! The other cool thing is that my mom will get to experience the things that she loves, since we both tend to be history buffs. She has only gone with my sisters and grandmother. All three of them do not like to walk around a lot, their main interest is food, and they do not get excited by the history of places.

The last time my mom and I were alone doing anything like this was before my first sister was born. 27 years?! Wow!

We are going to have a magnificent time. I can’t wait to see all of the graveyards! Oh, yea! Yes, I am clapping and typing and saying: “Yea!” out loud. Our main problem will be remembering to eat — we’ll want to see and do as much as possible. It will be a real test for me as well with leaving the children with David…alone. It’s not that I don’t trust him — I am not really sure what it is. Hmm…Control issues? Possibly, but I do not want to talk about that right now. I know it will be fine, it is just new and a new step into my independence as well for the children and David. After thinking about it a bit more, I feel stolen experiences whether stolen from yourself or others can quite possibly be taken back, depending on the experience of course. We can also change them, enhance, and turn them into some other grand experiences. Woot!

Until I get to experience some of the things I wish to I will gladly watch (listen to) them on YouTube.

Waltz of the Snowflakes Royal Ballet

Saint-Saens – Introduction & Rondo Capriccioso (Perlman)

Smithsonian

It took some time to calm him down.

I managed to get him to lift his head from his hands, and look up by losing at the game several times myself. I lost and then expressed myself by saying things like “Oh, darn I lost again. I will keep trying, I guess.”He started to look at me and then would put his face in his hands and say: “Oh, no. Oh, no.” He told me to stop one time, but then I said something about being done playing and trying again later. He was not satisfied, but calmed down some.

He then got upset again.

However, this time he went on the couch and covered himself with a blanket. I asked him if he was alright, and he said: “No.” He continued to say things that I could not decipher, but then we had this conversation: (Joshua is upstairs with David, daddy time.)

Daniel: I’m leaving.

Me: You are leaving? Where are you going?

Daniel: I am leaving far, far away. (He looked at me then, he covered himself with the blanket again.)

Me: Are you going to Mars?

Daniel: Yes, I am going to Mars.

Me: In a rocket ship?

Daniel: Yes, I just did. It takes for a long time.

Me: What is it like on Mars?

Daniel and Ariel: All red.

Daniel: Venus is yellow.

Ariel: Now I am going to Mars. Look Daniel is the first kid on Mars. No wait we are the first two kids on Mars.

After all of that they decided to leave Mars and read some books.

There are some major things that Daniel did today. He understood a little more today that it is alright if you lose. He was able to calm himself, with little help from me. He has never made a statement about leaving before, which prompted me to ask him if he knew what that meant. Here is the conversation:

Me: Daniel do you know what it means to leave?

Daniel: It means to go somewhere, because I was mad.

Me: What or who were you mad at?

Daniel: At brain (that’s what he calls his game “my brain”) I played and played and did not win.

Me: You were mad at brain and wanted to leave?

Daniel: Yes, because I could not win. I am mad at brain, and wanted to leave.

Me: Are you still mad? Do you still want to leave?

Daniel: No, I am not mad. Brain needs to go in the garage.

Me: So are you ok now? Is everybody fine?

Daniel: Yes, everybody’s fine. Ok.

Sometimes I cannot believe that he is talking to me like this.

This is the first holiday season that has not been meltdown madness from October until the end of January. There have been moments, but they have not lasted long at all. Daniel has learned positive coping mechanism like going in his room alone and reading or just looking at books instead of continuing to be aggressive. He continues to learn to express what he is angry or upset at in many more ways. The rest of us have been able to read him much better as well. It has made a huge difference having David, Ariel, and Joshua understand Daniel’s frustrations.

I still need to explain why Daniel is behaving a certain way at times.

The difference is everyone is more understanding, and relating in their own way by thinking of similar things that cause them frustration. It is very clear that Daniel is feeling safer at expressing himself, and feels like he is being heard. It has made a huge difference in his interactions with everyone. He has been talking nonstop — he is repeating many scripts to himself. Some of his frequent scripts are about emotions, his emotions and other people’s emotions. I believe his scripting has helped in learning to calm himself as well. Possibly my own change of attitude toward the holidays helped the month of December.

Next year I will do better with October and November.

On another note I happened to hear this poem on a movie that was background noise for me earlier, (I don’t know what the movie was.) and thought some of you may enjoy it as well. So many poems to read so little time…and music to listen to…and books to read…and dances to dance…and paintings to adore…and sculptures to love…and pictures to seek…and skies to keep…I think I need to stop listening to music I always open the floodgates with music. I can’t help it! I’m not stopping!

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Daniel didn’t understand what was going on.

He didn’t open the presents he just looked at them. He tried to take Ariel’s presents and she would cry and say: “No, Boo Bear that mine present.” It was not that clear, imagine a two year old garble. I can hear me calling his name over and over again with no response. Finally, at one point he claimed a toy that Ariel was playing with and she got upset. We still have those toys he is attached to them. I am always taking videos and pictures of all the events, I want to remember everything and I want the kids to have their experiences captured. In the back of my mind I think the reason for my continual visual capturing is that I want them to have real memories.

My mom always forgot to take pictures.

My dad would take videos all the time, he had a Super 8, cameras, and gradually got other video cameras. I know I got the obsessive picture taking from my dad’s gene pool, my grandma has mounds and mounds of photos, and so does my dad. I was not captured as much as my other sisters since I did not live with my dad truth be told– many of the videos were of him making skits, commercials, singing, and whatever else he could come up with. He was very good at convincing my step mom and sisters that they needed to film him and also partake. (Maybe they didn’t have a choice)That is the part of my dad my mom could not handle, the constant silliness. I have my days, but overall I am a good mix…most of the time.

This mind of mine is rambling and I have a ton of things running through it.

I guess I am doing another mind dump to prepare for mom’s house tomorrow and then Sunday morning — all day. I hope Daniel will be alright, but I did have fun with him on Thanksgiving so if we need to leave again it will be ok. The weather has been wonderful here. I think God may be giving me one last warm weathered Christmas before moving to snow invested cornfields. I am grateful for the warm weather and the sun that is shining right now. Big smile. I am a little sad that I will not see my sisters or baby nephew tomorrow.

My sisters have to work and then they are having their own thing on Sunday.

We can’t go out to their house it would be too much, they live about half an hour away. They also have three dogs, two big boxers and a chihuahua. The acoustics are horrible and Daniel gets fixated on their ceiling fan since he can turn it on and off. We need to stay home after all of the adventures we have had in the past few weeks. My mom would like to stay home on Sunday and have the whole day alone, but my sisters insisted that it is wrong to be alone on Christmas day. They are very neurotypical. The best gift they could give her is to let her have that day because she and my grandma went on the TCM Cruise. Then, my grandma stayed for the week after, the kids and I were there every day, and she also went to work the day after getting back. She has had no downtime.

I hope she doesn’t overload while we are there tomorrow!

It was so awesome to hear my mom talk about the cruise. She is an old movie buff. She knows everything and everyone. She has read so many biographies about old movie stars. She can tell how all of them were linked together, what was going on in history during a movie being made, who was having an affair with whom, she can spot a remake now nowadays in a split second, and she can tell you the cameras used or special effects that were going on during them . Her TV channel is stuck on TCM. And she has a huge crush on Ben Mankiewicz. She got her picture taken with him on the boat, and talked to him. She is still giddy when she talks about him. (She claims to not have an Aspie special interest…yeah, right. )

The funny thing is that my mom does not act like that with guys normally. 

He has to be pretty interesting and special for her to take any interest at all. I love hearing her talk about the experience because she is so happy. She told me how it was the best experience of her life. She said: “Angel, I didn’t have any anxiety, I could talk with no problem, I didn’t worry about what I said or what to say. I made friends every morning. It was so wonderful. We all talked about old movies, we dressed up for each era, and shared our stories about when we first saw the movies, it was great!” She felt like she belonged and I could see how happy she was in her pictures. She usually hates having her picture taken, but not on the boat. I am so happy she got to experience that.

I discovered a movie that was released in November (too many miles away from here) called The Artist.

It is a black-and-white silent film, but it is a limited release and we are not going to get it around here. I am not giving up though, there may be a town about an hour or two away who may show it. I wanted to take her to it as a Christmas present. She loves silent films too. The story line seems great and I know that she would love it. I think I would too, bonus! I love, love, love the music!! I think I’ll get the soundtrack. I hope to take her to experience it in the theater. I think if I were to imagine heaven for my mom, even though she is a book addict like myself, hers would be a big huge movie theater or possibly multiple theaters. Ohh! I think I have a visual to write. Movie Theater in Heaven.   I think I will go write that and help my brain get focused and calm.

Happy Holidays and many blessings to you all!!

I would say that I am praying for peace, but that is very generalized and is relative. I pray for differences to be accepted and the message that is spoken about in this song. Bing Crosby & David Bowie – The Little Drummer Boy / Peace On Earth I got another present besides the nice weather. I just listened to a song that popped up while looking for Bing and David’s song. It didn’t make me cry, I was able to smile. It’s kind of a big deal.

I did tear up a little, but it felt different.

A couple of months ago this song came on in the grocery store, and I just stood in the aisle and cried. I couldn’t stop I was rushed with so many emotions at the time. I found this version and liked it best. David Gray – Babylon  This artist is wrapped up in winter memories for me, and wrapped up in the only workplace that I was more myself than anywhere. In the midst of the different types of people I felt very safe to be me most of the time. Or maybe it was all the computers and “technology” I was around that made me feel comfortable.

Ok, I am leaving for real now.

Grandma did not buy it for a second.

I sat there thinking I could apologize or try to fix it, but then I thought that she knows that he is autistic and these things come out of his mouth. She knows that he meant nothing malicious by his comment — he was stating that she was larger than us, and he used the word fat. Later on when he did it again, and my mom was home, I did fix it by saying “You mean grandma is bigger than you?” Daniel responded with “Yes, grandma is bigger than me.” I am used to him saying those things to me all the time. I think it is hilarious when he says “Mom, you have a big butt.” I laugh and shake it and say “I know!” and then sing shake your booty or some other booty song. My butt is big compared to his tiny little booty.

That is what he is doing with his comments.

He states things that he sees, it is how he defines them the best that he can. It is a huge deal that he is becoming aware of his surroundings and the differences in people. I am not going to scold him for something that takes him a lot of effort to do. It could cause him to shut down. He is the sweetest boy, and if he understood that it hurt someone’s feelings by saying that, he would feel horrible. The thing is he doesn’t — he does not comprehend that yet, but he will as he gets older. So I am not going to punish him for making observations in his world and then saying them. It took a long time to hear that precious voice to begin with! Don’t get me wrong, I do not allow him to be hurtful or say things that can blatantly hurt someone. I try to explain things as best as possible. It is kind of hard for me to catch at times though since I am notorious for saying such things myself without a thought.

There is a reason why we do not think those things would be hurtful.

We do not think that way — we happen to say things that we observe and say them according to the defined vocabulary that we have in our heads. Nothing mean, vicious, or hurtful, only clear definitions and terms. The word fat to Daniel is currently defined as “bigger than me” and that’s all. It is that simple. I found it amusing because I know that his intentions were to say that grandma was bigger, and I thought it was cute that he used the word fat. All of the kids say things like that and I am so used to it that I forget that others could take offense. I have to confess though, I am not going to sit around correcting my children to be overly polite and try to spend their life trying not to offend people.

Someone always gets offended.

No matter how hard you try, someone will always misunderstand your words or motives. It offends me more when people get upset at kids for just being themselves, and stating things that they see so clearly. They say things that are filtered through their limited knowledge or understanding of things. I tend to get more upset at the adults because the kids do not know any better. Yes, they should learn, but I do not think that they need to be “set in their place” so to speak. Freedom to speak their minds gives us an incredible world of entertaining thoughts, and some wonderful things to think about. I think that we can learn a lot from their perspective.

I cannot recall if I have written the following story before, but I think it is quite telling.

I remember watching a program, though I do not remember what it was now. The mother was sharing how she was afraid to swim, or be near water. Her little girl loved to swim, and begged her mom to come in the water. The mother refused, and one day the girl said something like “Come on mom, are you chicken?” The mother burst into tears, and told her daughter how awful that was to say. She went on to tell the daughter how badly she had hurt her feelings, and that she needed to think of how other people felt before she said things. I am pretty sure that the girl was between 8-10 years old. The mom continued to talk about how she was afraid of drowning, and that she was fearful. She felt by her daughter saying that she was not being sensitive to her fears.

I sat watching this mother in complete shock.

It was baffling to me that this grown woman would expect her young daughter to understand how fearful she was of the water. Not to mention the manipulation of pawning off her own insecurities as the responsibility of her daughter. Her daughter did not know her fears, even if the mother had explained it in great detail. I am also not sure that she would have fully grasped the fear that her mother had of the water. She was a little girl. As I watched her sitting with her mother, her demeanor changed when the mom shared this story. Her shoulders lowered, and she looked down, and her face was a little sad, confused, or annoyed, I am not quite sure. The real kicker though was at the end when the mom said that her daughter had learned from her mistake and is now considerate of her mother’s feelings. I don’t take what my kids say to me so seriously. Maybe it’s because I understand that they are kids, they are testing out their language and social skills they need to have the freedom to learn without my fears trampling on them.

Things like this get me thinking about my own circumstances.

All of my life, I have had people make comments about my birthmark. Those who have read my blog for a while know that I have a port wine birthmark on the left side of my neck and about two inches across on my jawline. It has been the source of ridicule my whole life, and I must say some of the worst offenders have been adults. Since I have been around children so much, and I worked in children’s ministry for so many years, I am very accustomed to their honesty. They are the first to ask me about my birthmark and are genuinely interested in why I have it. I usually use it as a lesson in skin pigmentation, and they think that is so “cool”. I have seen parents freak out when kids ask me about it, but every time it happens, I get down at eye level with them, and explain what my birthmark is. I have always won the heart of every child who ever asked me about it, and they even think that it is cool afterwards.

I have been able to use my birthmark to help teach kids to be comfortable with whom they are.

I have used it in Bible lessons, and as a resource to talk about people who are different than us. The kids have always asked in curiosity. I have no problem with that — I have no problem when someone asks me if I have been burned or something. It does not bother me when it is a sincere question. However, in most cases all of those questions have been asked by children or teenagers. The reality is that I have had more adults stare in disgust, gawk at me, make rude comments, or even mock it. Those times, I get hurt the most because it is just plain rude, and for some reason I think adults should know better. I do get upset at times when I am reminded of my birthmark, not because it bothers me but because it bothers others. I think that has been a lot of my problem though, about my stims, behaviors, my feelings, my interests, and everything about me. I have been more concerned with not wanting to be a bother than being who I am.

The kids have asked me about my birthmark, and I have never felt insecure or like I needed to tell them how to ask me properly.

They have all asked why I have it and how birthmarks happen. They do not see it as a flaw or anything.  When we have been out, there have been occasions when we have seen someone else with a birthmark, and they got excited and said something about the person having a birthmark just like me. I think if there was more time spent on teaching about differences and the value of asking questions or stating truths we would gain a lot more acceptance and appreciation for the differences in others. It could help get rid of some of the projected fears people have. Maybe I am being too simple.

I guess balance is key here once again, though it is kind of hard since I am still such a kid myself!

Nope, she is asking me “Why can’t I hear God’s voice?”

Why did Peter stop looking at Jesus and fall into the water? What does covet mean? Why can’t I walk on water, I have faith as small as a seed. Along with saying things like “I don’t know if God exists, I can’t see him.” She has been reading Bible graphic novels for a couple of weeks now, Genesis to Revelation. She has also read several of their Children’s Bibles. She knows every story in great detail and is asking about each one. She says that she knows what special power God gave her it’s “Science” she said: “I know and understand science, but I wish God would give me the powers to speak animal.” She told me that she knows that God lives in the clouds, but he also lives in us, so she doesn’t understand why he doesn’t talk.

Yesterday (still today) she was completely fixated on a dragon fortress that she wants for Christmas.

She started praying for it, Ariel does not like to pray. She says that she is too shy, so it is a big deal that she started praying. Many Christian parents I have been around would feel proud, and excited about some of what she was saying and asking, but to me it is hard. Well they may freak out because she wants a dragon fortress. I cannot legitimately look my little girl in the eyes on Christmas morning and say that Jesus brought her a dragon fortress.

God is not a Santa Claus figure.

He is not a simple pray and get what you want kind of character. I am fairly certain that is the wrong message to be taught about him. He is hard to understand, I cannot with a clear cautious say that I hear Him at all. Why? Because I have mixed my own personal feelings, fears, and agenda’s into my prayers and managed to convince myself of things so I could feel like I had the answers. I am not denying God or that he answers prayers, I am challenging my own perceptions and acknowledging my ability to fool myself. He has answered many prayers for me, but the fact that I was able to convince myself that my voice sounds a lot like His is something that needs to be dealt with. I am.

I do not want to pass that on to my little girl.

She is reading every word quite literally, and I know how damaging that is because I have done it. The Bible and things of God need to be taught differently to my children. Example, Ariel and Joshua spent the other evening and yesterday afternoon discussing Bible stories, and the gospels, I let them have their conversation and would challenge them when they were taking things a bit too literally. They are 5 and 7 discussing these things.

It is important that I help them not get stuck in literal thinking.

A good reason for this is because later in the day I walked into the living room, and Joshua was on his knees with his hand clasped. He stopped when I asked him if he was praying and he giggled and said:”Yes”. I asked him if he wanted to tell me what he was praying for he said: “Oh, I was praying that I would make good decisions.” The churches we have been in, and certain family members would jump on this saying how wonderful he was, or how he had a gift from God. I do not have a problem with him praying, I think it is great if they want to pray, or seeking spiritual things.

The concern I have is that they all tend to fall into black-and-white thinking.

Making good decisions implies that something that could turn into a deeper issue, the feeling that there is only right and wrong. For many people that is not an issue, for me and my kids it is. There is the constant challenge of not falling into guilt, or feeling like being wrong is the worst thing in the world. When it comes to God I have suffered a very long time with feeling like God thought badly of me or I had to do things to be good. I will not allow that to happen to my kids. Maybe I am a bit sensitive, but the other night when Ariel and I sat her room hanging out talking, she looked at me and said out of no where: “I wonder why I can’t hear God’s voice.” I asked: “What do you mean baby?” She started to tear up and with a shaky voice said:”I don’t know why I can’t hear God’s voice. I try to hear him and I can’t”. She is only 7 years old darn it! (I later discovered that she had read 1 Samuel 3 when God speaks to Samuel as a boy.)

I fought back my own tears, I was not going to allow my baby to go through that.

I scooped her in my arms and just held her as she cried in my lap. I was more angry with God than I had ever been in that moment. Even with many of the things that I have struggled with dealing with churches, other Christians, or my own personal issues, none of those had a hint of meaning as I stroked her hair. Nothing else compared to what she was feeling. I knew that feeling, I have been feeling it for months, years to be honest. And just because I say that doesn’t mean I lack faith, I have so much faith it makes me angry! I can’t get rid of it, even if I want to, believe me I have tried. I mean no disrespect to God or people who have faith, know that this is my own rantings. I cupped her face in my hands and I told her: “I don’t hear God either.”

She busted me!

She looked straight at me and said: “But you said that God gave you our names before we were born.” D’oh! She was right. I told her the truth. The truth is, I felt like their names did come from God, but I did not hear some audible voice from heaven or in my head. I saw their three names flash in my head and heard them in a voice, it’s the same voice that is talking now as I type. The same voice when I read, the same voice that writes poetry and everything else. Maybe I just hear God in my voice. So I asked her if she heard a voice that possibly told her right and wrong. Or other things. She said: “Yes, I hear a voice and I think that it is Jesus, but He always says yes.” We laughed together when she said that because we both know that Jesus does not always say yes. After I explained that I do not hear a voice, and shared the ways that I see God or feel like He is talking through nature, friends, songs, books, or the many other things that can reach us, she was all smiles. The pressure of hearing Him was lifted, and she was fine with my response.

It is hard to discuss spiritual matters with kids.

I shared with her that I may not hear God all the time. However, I do feel like when I see rainbows in the sky, or things like a pair of Converse that I have wanted for so long, and carry a huge significance to me suddenly appear in my size at a very cheap price, seems like God is there. She has witnessed many things like that happen for me, they have happened for her too and I reminded her of them. These things tend to happen during my lowest of times. For me it seems like God is saying “Hey, I see you and your are going to be alright. Here is a little something that will bring you a smile.”

Is it Jesus?

Is it the Universe, my Dragon friend I left in Germany, or an invisible friend? I do not have a clue. I feel like it is God, and I will stick with Jesus. Although, I am not going to carry all the baggage and confusion that has been looming my life for almost 13 years, about who or what it is.  I got really messed up when I walked into the strange world of churchdom. I mean no disrespect, but our brains are not wired well for church in this household. It causes more confusion than answers, at least right now.

My kids bring up some hard topics.

They ask us about what we believe and why. They ask about divorce, why people lie, why people don’t like people because of their race, or religion. They want to know why, a lot of these questions come from Ariel she is always thinking and observing these things. I want her to feel safe when she says I don’t know if God exists. I have seen kids get yelled at or have seen parents respond in fear when their child said that. For me it was a moment that made me feel good, she is thinking about it. She is reading the bibles around here and pondering the stories and questioning. When she gets older I will introduce her to church history and more details about other faiths. I am not afraid of her not believing what I believe.

I am afraid of her not having her own faith.

Or finding her own beliefs and becoming shaky because she was not able to discover herself. I have more trust in God’s ability to reach down and convince her of Him, than forcing her myself or worse yet using fear to make her believe something. I feel that way for all of the kids. The boys are not really pondering about spiritual matters yet, but they have asked their own hard questions. Not like Ariel, not yet, but I know that it is coming. These kids think, they ponder, they reason, and they do not stay quiet about it. They do not settle for simple answers. I don’t want them to believe what we have told them without thought, or feel like our authority as parents trumps their valid questions. I want them to learn and grow with us, I want them to feel comfortable challenging and questioning. I want Ariel to develop her God given superpowers of Science!

I want them to feel safe talking about things, and never feel like they are wrong if they don’t agree with us.

The holidays always remind me of how alone I feel and felt.

Every holiday was lonely. I was surrounded by people who loved me and still I felt awkward and alone. Plus this month represents one of the happiest times in my life and triggers into the saddest as well. I cannot stop the loops of rejection. I can only redirect them, I am trying and it is painful. It is hard to reprogram your mind. It is hard for me to try to believe something positive when in most instances the second I gave hope a try, it burst into a negative.

I am sure there are many reasons that made me feel like the outcome turned out negative.

I am positive that social confusion (a lot of family confusion), anxiety, and sensory issues played a big role, but I still feel it. It doesn’t matter if I misinterpreted things or people misinterpreted me, the words, the actions, and the emotions all exist. I am not trying to sound down and negative, I am sad though. I am feeling lonely. I feel hurt. I feel lost. I am faced with the realization that we are moving back to my hometown. We will be going possibly as soon as March or at least by the summer. I am scared for many reasons. I am nervous and anxious about following through on getting a diagnosis and facing other things that I have to do.

The thought of going forward with the diagnosis brings forth a lot of emotions.

The biggest one is the feeling of doing it alone. I know that I am not alone, but I am feeling lonely in this. I guess I just have to deal with it like I have my entire life. Especially during the holidays it is difficult for me. I am happy for everyone enjoying themselves, doing their holiday family and friend festivities, but I feel like such an alien. I don’t want to be sad or feel this way, I don’t want to talk about it because I do not want to feel like a burden. I don’t even know how to talk about it.

I don’t even know for sure what I am feeling, it is just familiar.

I will say that it just sucks. It sucks to feel this way. I really dislike feeling happy for others and aching inside for myself. I don’t know how to describe it. I really have no more words about this topic, I think this post “What I need and want” may sum up a lot of emotions that I am overwhelmed with right now. What prompted me to write this out was a song that I heard for the first time today. I am facing some of my demons and want to shake the devil off my back, cause I have a lot of dancing to do. Here are the lyrics so you know what I am referring to if you don’t want to listen to the song. Shake It Out lyrics

Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out

I have never heard of them or listened to their music, (I just saw on YouTube that they were on SYTYCD last season, but I must have turned the channel, I do not usually watch the bands on that show. I only watch the dances, no voting either. ) but this was a good song for me to hear today and it has “It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” in the lyrics. I discovered it from a series clicks reading several different blogs that led me to this awesome quote by Björk “You have 1,000 colors of emotion, and each album is one color exaggerated. It’s so exaggerated that it’s not me, but it’s one color, you know? And I feel like that color is in everyone.” from this interview.

In those terms it helped me realize that I am having one color of emotion right now that is exaggerated.

It is exaggerated for many reasons and I could list them off, but I am funneling all of this into a story and several poems so it will reflect this color of me right now. The emotion is not me, I am only feeling it at this moment. I know she was talking about her album, but it helped me place my emotion in its proper place. It also helped me give myself permission to feel it. I need to be reminded a lot that I am not alone and my brain is both unique and has similarities with many. The darkness passes and through it I find my words, and I find more light and multicolored songs.

“It’s Always Darkest Before The Dawn” this has been true throughout my whole life so I will trust in that. 

I want to share another quote from Björk “I think there’s a need for the theatrical. It’s very organic and ancient and human. I don’t think it’s artificial.” When I express myself I hear the words of many people in my life who told me constantly to stop being so theatrical. I am very animated and passionate about things, I also never learned how to express myself in any other way. All I ever knew was to hold it in and then explode. Or hold it in and harm myself. I admit I feel guilty for even sharing these feeling or implying that I am allowed to feel them. Dang! This really hurts. Ok, I’m done…for now.

I am able to be gray in my thinking when it comes to certain topics.

I have a clear understanding that certain situations or important life decisions are not simple and do not have one answer to them based on limited biblical knowledge these groups had, customs, and cultures of the past that were not understood or even considered. I am not ok, with accepting that we are to decide the morals of others. I am not going into that though, this line of thinking has caused me to think negative thoughts about myself. I have felt confused, wrong for having feelings/thoughts that go against the group, and even questioned my own intelligence because I was not allowed to use it.

These things fed into my already self-condemning mind.

I am not blaming people or churches, I am prone to self-destruct, but having people who tell me that God is also condemning me for all of the “sin” that is in my life does not set me free, it puts me in more self-hating, guilt, and condemnation. That is not what God ever intended and in the past seven months I have dealt with guilt about my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. I can sit here confidently and say that: “I am not wrong for any of those things or any feelings that I have, and I am not a horrible person.” People who are close to me know what a huge thing that is for me to say and believe. I have been very aware of how I speak about myself since the children have gotten older.

I have worked very hard at not speaking negatively about my appearance or my feelings of inadequacy out loud.

Negative talk was a huge influence in my life by both parents, enhanced by being ridiculed for my looks, my birthmark, my weight (being told that I needed to lose weight by a boyfriend over and over when it wasn’t true), being called stupid at times when I could not speak because I was confused or overloaded. The thoughts became me and I have been working on separating those from my real self for several months now. I am sure it will be a long process in some areas, but I know that I do have control over them now. I want to gain myself back of course, but I truly want to work at helping my kids not to go through this. Part of that is being a good example.

Ariel and I talked yesterday and it woke me up.

For some reason her and Joshua like watching Toddlers & Tiaras. I have a very hard time watching the show, it upsets me at times. It’s on Netflix so I can fast forward or skip to another one. However, I use it as a social tool. We talk about the parents who are positive and what is good about them and same with the parents who are not so good and why. We do the same thing with the children, but they both have said on multiple occasions that the “mommy’s made them like that”. Some of that is true, we discuss personalities as well. The show does have a lot of social dynamics and cultural issues that we talk about at their level. Anyway, Ariel asked me about a little girl who said: “I am beautiful! My face is so pretty.”

It was said in a way that was obnoxious and condescending.

Ariel picked up on it and then shared with me that she feels: “shy” when she says the words beautiful, pretty, kiss, love, being smart, and other things like that. I asked her if she knew that she was beautiful and smart and she said that she did. She said it in a healthy 7 year old way. It just made her feel awkward. I wondered if that was what my issue was as well. I have such a hard time taking compliments and I normally combat with them something negative. I do not do it on purpose I just do not know how to accept someone seeing good in me or in something that I do. I believe this was learned by my parents. I also have the feeling that I am not allowed to have compliments, like I do not deserve them or something.

My main goal has been to not do this in front of the kids for a while, but the thoughts still pop in my head.

I do not want Ariel to feel this or take on that behavior. The boys do not seem to have this or maybe it manifests differently through them. Ariel does have confidence in herself and her abilities, this is where it can be very confusing to other people. I too am confident in my abilities and things that I have a special interest in. I do not concern myself with feeling unattractive or unintelligent until someone or something brings it to my attention. Either through compliment or ridicule. I am just being me. I am overall a confident person, but social confusion, confusing situations, or misunderstood comments can make me seem very insecure. I do need to learn how to accept compliments and also positive criticism. I do not do too badly with criticism as long as I know that the person is trying to help me and not be destructive. I am always open to learning and bettering myself.

All of this has been very good and will help me go through my loop drafts with more understanding.

I am very happy that Ariel calls herself a scientist and she even told me that if she was in a pageant she thinks that she would get queen. The reason she gave: “I would just be myself, with a little bit of lipstick (blah) and my hair done a little, maybe…but I can dance and think I would win.” (blah was a direct quote) Good for her, I wish that were true though, I would have to find a “natural” pageant I think.   I asked her how she would feel if she lost. She said: “Well, I would be ok with that and I would be happy for the girls who won.” Ariel is so awesome! I know I am biased. I am not sure I could be a pageant mom. 8-d

Here are some links that I found very helpful.

Negative Automatic Thoughts

15 Common Cognitive Distortions

Negative Automatic Thoughts w/ Examples

The study is a bit long, but it was interesting.

Evaluation of the Automatic Thoughts Questionnaire:
Negative Cognitive Processes and Depression Among Children

I have always had a subconscious understanding that I do this.

All my life I have tried not to have these thoughts flood my mind. I think there is another whole aspect to the Aspie mind, anxiety, depression, and the thought patterns. The added component of intense sensory ingraining and reliving negative events have very strong parallels to PTSD. I do not have a diagnosis for these, but I know that I do seem to line up with the criteria. Gaining this understanding has helped me to acknowledge, understand, and work toward becoming more balanced and truly take control over my thoughts and my world. I do not think at this point it matters if I have a diagnosis for some of the things I feel I may have, other than Asperger’s, I would like to get a diagnosis for that for multiple reasons. I am working on that.

After reading about the negative automatic thoughts, I had a huge revelation.

It is like the chicken and the egg issue, I do not know which came first, the thoughts or the depression/anxiety. I believe my anxiety came first because my mom says that I have always been anxiety ridden and what I believe I did was start creating negative thoughts based on my automatic black-and-white thinking and confusion. It really doesn’t matter because I have been working on trying to stop these thoughts for years, but also questioned myself and would believe that they came from outside sources. Which meant that I had no control over them. They seemed so overwhelming and unstoppable, it is hard to believe they can stop when you have had them your whole life.

I have been overcoming some of them little by little.

In the recent months part of me putting my poetry out there, my stories, and sharing art or myself more has been me trying to combat the negatives. The more I put out there the more I feel confident and less seeking the approval of others (not approval in “normal” sense it is hard to explain), or using other people’s perceptions to tell me who I am. I hope that others relate, enjoy, and get something out of what I share, it is my healing that I am sharing. It makes me feel very exposed and unsure. It also makes me say: “I can do this.”

It is part of my acceptance of myself, all of me not just parts.

When I went through a list of common negative automatic thoughts I knew many of them. Some of them I do not do or at least it does not seem the same that could be my motives are completely different or that it seems to cross a fine line between Aspie traits, and is hard to differentiate. Or is it the anxiety disorder? Is it the social confusion that links into the anxiety that causes me to relive past negative experiences or think that every situation will be like the “one” that ended negatively? At some point I just have to let that go, and focus on being productive with the information I have gained.

My brain is hard-wired to think literally, in black-and-white, and be confused with social situations.

Not that I cannot work on that, but I do accept it about myself and will focus on what I can change. Currently, it does not seem like those things can change, I can become more aware. I can control my confusion, anxiety, and fears, by speaking about it and asking people to be honest and clear with me. I can explain that I do not understand and hope they will be kind and explain it to me. I do have control over how I allow my reactions toward certain thinking patterns affect me, but I am not sure they will ever stop. Actually I am not sure I want them to in some ways they are very beneficial and help me gain certain insight that otherwise I may not have.

I am extremely happy to have a concrete list to look at, examine, and use as a guide to help my process.

After reading about this, it helped release me from certain guilt patterns that I tend to put on myself. I will condemn myself for having negative thoughts, which is not helpful at all. The negative thoughts have caused me confusion and is a big factor in some of my loops. As I went through and read each thing I was able to look at some of my current loops and recognize them as negative automatic thoughts. They just come when I am in a similar situation and I have made one event or person into the ALL. “It will always end up the way it had that one time.” I have been telling myself through writing to accept the gray that this “always/every” is not true. Rationally I know it is not true, this where I have an additional issue and battle in my mind.

My emotional self and logical self fight.

 Second half here.