05/15/13

Day At The Zoo! (An Anxiety Reducer?)

This week we have been VERY busy. I have been pushing the boundaries with the kids to get school complete by the 21st. I have worked with Daniel, stretching him beyond anything I have done throughout the year. It is no wonder the poor guy is having a difficult time, BUT he is doing amazing and it is showing him just how much he can accomplish. Unfortunately, this week is packed with social extravaganza because my mom is in town.

It is good and unfortunate.

She originally, had planned on coming at the end of June, but she was able to get plane tickets $200 cheaper if she came this week. She just got them without talking to me. She had no idea that this would be “crunch time” for the end of school. However, the good thing is that my mom understands and she is staying with my grandma. Those two go on adventures of their own in the morning and then, we see them after school is finished for the day. I wish we were able to see more of her, but the truth is we ALL get socially exhausted. My mom can only spend a certain amount of time socializing before she starts to get cranky and lose her filters. (She is not the only one!)

Once again, I say it is good and unfortunate.

It is unfortunate that we cannot do as others do and squeeze every last bit of socializing out to try to make it last for another year, but we are not made that way. It’s ok! The good is that we ALL understand and it does not hurt anyone’s feelings. Yesterday, we went to the zoo. It was a perfect day. The weather was warm (finally) and there was a nice breeze. I noticed that on the website that they offer a discount if you are a resident, but I had no way to prove my residency because I still have not gotten my driver’s license and nothing is in my name. I was a little bummed because I like to take advantage of discounts as much as possible!

When we got to the window, I realized that I knew the girl.

I was so excited. I then, blurted out, “Oh! You know I live here right?” She said, “Yes” with a chuckle. I did not think anything of it until later. I knew her from my spin class. My aunt is also her personal trainer. Interestingly, she had not been to spin class for over a month, but the night before she had come back. She had an injury so she had to take time off. Monday night was the first night I actually had a conversation with her. It was not until we got home that mom started cracking jokes about me saying, “Oh! You know I live here right?” I looked at her confused and asked, “What? Did I say something wrong?”

She reassured me that I had done nothing wrong.

However, from another person’s perspective it could have seemed very odd. Apparently, I was very loud, excited, and went into detail of how I did not have a proof of residency. I did all of that and then, be-bopped away as if nothing had happened. So my grandma and mom had no idea how I knew this person and they found it amusing that I was so insistent on getting that discount. Later, my mom realized that I was starting to loop about my “odd” behavior and what I had said because they were making jokes about it. She told me, “Stop! We were just teasing you. You did nothing wrong. Do not loop!”

After she said that I said, “Well I am glad I did it with that girl because she is used to my aunt!”

My whole family does awkward social things. It has helped in social settings when meeting new people who also know my family members. We are all a bit unique (odd) in our own ways and when we tell people that we are related they seem to get an “understanding” type of look on their face. Whatever that means.

Back to the zoo.

We received a map for the zoo and I was taken aback at Daniel’s response. He was filled with excitement. Once he discovered the map was for whole zoo he requested to hold it. He watched for animal markers so he could know where we were at every moment. At first, he asked me why the animals did not move. I had to explain to him that the map was not interactive. He found great flaw in that and could not understand why the zoo would not make an interactive map. Lol!

It was the first time that I noticed Daniel truly able to enjoy himself.

There were moments when he was extremely anxious if Ariel and Joshua got too far away for him, or if mom and grandma lagged behind too far. He was afraid that we would lose them. I had to reassure him that we would not lose them and that I could see them with no problem. He ended up enjoying the map much more than the animals, except for the turtles because turtles are his “favorite ever!” He was calm and able to focus because he could gauge the distance between each place we were going. He knew what to look for and he knew the markers that showed us it was the end.

It did not occur to me that for him to have a map would help his anxieties.

I cannot believe I have not thought of it before! When we got home, he asked me all about the map and said that he wished that he had a map of our house. I told him that I could print off maps from the internet if he wanted me to and I asked him if that would help if I did every time, we were going somewhere. He squealed with excitement and said, “You can do that?” He asked me to print off a map for him that is from our house to the YMCA.

He has been carrying his maps with him around the house, studying them.

Earlier today, he asked me if he could do the iPad while he was on a break from school. I let him choose whatever he wants since it is his free time. Lately, it has been MAPS! Hello, me! He has been meandering on Google maps and Quake Viz. You can watch a demo here QuakeViz App Demo. I did not connect the dots until yesterday at the zoo that maps would make Daniel a very happy boy. I had not considered how it would greatly reduce his anxieties about where we are going and how long it will take. Google maps gives all the information that could help ease him. I do this for myself ALL the time, why had not I thought of it for him?

I am kind of kicking myself for not thinking of it before. (That is a funny literal image.)

Somehow, I just never did… well, now I know AND it can change our world. Today he requested that I print out a map to grandma’s house before we left. He was all giggles and ready to get into the car. Even though he has been to grandma’s on many occasions, he still has felt a bit anxious before going. He did not today; he looked for things that were on his map. He told me how long it would take to get there. He said, “We have made it to B on the map.” when we got to her house. He said, “We are back to A, which is our house.” when we arrived home.

I am SO excited about this; I think it is going to be a great thing.

He has liked maps for a long time, but he never made the connection that they actually show us where we are at he just enjoyed looking at them. The moment he saw our house on Google Earth it was something that stunned his mind. He sat there quietly at first then; he looked around with a great big smile while squealing with joy he said, “Oh my, goodness that is our house! It really is our house!” I am going to take advantage of his interest this summer and teach him how to make maps.

I will print them out for every place we go.

I will create a binder of maps with all of the places we go to and let him keep them for future use and for his studying fun. I have a feeling this is going to help him a great deal. He is going to be a happy fella with his clock that he keeps with him constantly that tells him the time, date, along with an alarm that we use as a timer and his maps. I think I may start doing it for me too! Kidding, well I do print out maps a lot. :-/ At the zoo, I learned so much and we all had a grand fabulous day.

Now for some pictures and some smiles for new adventures to come.

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05/12/13

Happy Mother’s Day!

I have such great things to write about when I get a moment. I will be able to share some details about how my mom and I have such “awkwardness” when we first see each other after it has been awhile. Several things have come to light that helps me understand even more of our differences even though we are both Aspergers women, and the differences with my Grandma who my mom and I are quite certain is an Aspie too. We are three generations of unique Autistic women who have managed to navigate through this world with no understanding or help. It has made for many life struggles and challenges, but it also reveals how much we have overcome and persevered on our own.

I am not big on celebrating Mother’s Day.

Neither is my mom or Grandma, we met for lunch today and completely forgot to say “Happy Mother’s Day.” Even after my uncle had stopped by and brought my Grandma flowers. Lol! After remembering, I said, “Oh, I am sorry I did not get you guy’s cards or anything.” They both shrugged and said, “Either did we.” I love that! There is no guilt or condemnation. We know where we stand with each other and we just enjoy our time together. After lunch, we went to the mall, because my mom and Grandma like shopping. I do not, but I do enjoy walking and talking with them AND Grandma bought me a cute dress and top. Score!

It has been a good day, but I am exhausted.

The mall sucks all of the energy out of the three of us. The sensory stuff really drains me and when I feel crowded by people and merchandise it gets to me. Still I had a marvelous time with the two ladies that influenced my life the most while growing up. I wish a very wonderful Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. I hope that you are having a great day, if it is day that causes you to struggle my thoughts are with you. There are many reasons why that could be and for those reasons, I sometimes do not say any anything about Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. (((HUGS))) to any of you who may need one!

May your heart be filled with joy and peace today! (Each and every day.)

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05/1/13

700th Post!

This is my 700th post, woot! I am going to keep it short. I just could not keep it at 699 any longer. I will share some pictures. Today Daniel discovered “helicopter seeds.” (Flying maple seeds) I was immediately transported to my grandma’s backyard collecting tons and tons of them. A Flash of a great memory of my childhood. I spent hours in her backyard collecting those along with other grand woodsy type things, leaves, sticks, dirt, roly-poly bugs, rocks, and whatever else I could gather to create the most delicious of nature meals you could ever imagine.

I was a wondrous fairy chef who could talk to creatures and was best friends with butterflies!

The world was stupendous! But only in the back yard for those several hours that I could play alone and not be bothered with the rest of the world. Today Daniel found as much delight in these flying maple seeds as I did as a child. Then, it caught on with Ariel and Joshua as I shared my childhood fun with them. They all three now have a collection of them in the house. Daniel is playing with them and treating them as though they are delicate little creatures as to not break their “blades” that are “like fans.”

It was a brighter moment of our day.

Let’s just say things did not go as planned and the great outdoors helped us feel much better. Unfortunately, we had a sad moment outside when we discovered three baby birds that had died. Joshua was so upset he almost started crying. He said, “That makes me so sad. I think about that mommy bird and she must be so, so sad.” I shared a little bit about nature and how these things happen. It is sad, but it is what happens in nature. I was much softer when speaking with him; I was sad too and had to work through my own emotions. However, the helicopter seeds saved the day and to Daniel they are better than, any of his current toys.

Well OK! I think they are pretty cool myself.

: It still makes me laugh. :-)

: Monster came for breakfast the other day.

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery II

I did not recognize it until the next day, but I went into PTSD (C-PTSD) symptoms. Anxiety filled me, as well as irritability, I was shaking/shivering, cold, nauseous and I started to fixate on facebook. I made myself get off, I had tears, all the sudden I felt ugly, worthless, depressed, panicked at noise, everything became loud and buzzing. I could not eat and I could not sleep. I felt alone and scared. It was not until the next morning that it all made sense when I was still having those symptoms. They were intensified because I had not slept in a couple of days and because of my confusing interaction with Joshua’s teacher, but at least I was able to understand what was happening.

My high school days were some of the most painful and confusing times.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years of my stint in that school. However, I was unaware that I was being abused. I knew that my unnameable fears and anxieties were at high levels during that time. I was stalked; my personal space and time were continually violated. Other girls who called me things like “slut” and “whore” bullied me. There were rumors spread about me that were vile, I found out later that my boyfriend said many of them at the time, or my so called friends. While I sat at home babysitting my sisters taking care of the household because my mom worked 50-60 hours a week, and my step dad at the time was a drug using, drug selling, womanizing lazy jerk, there were claims that I was out partying and hooking up with numerous guys. Nice.

Many other things happened too.

I felt like I had to continually watch my back. Several girls hated me and I did not know why. Many guys confused me. My teachers did not change their attitude toward me either. I had two teachers who ever said anything positive to me. My U.S. History teacher, who said that he knew that I was much smarter than I let on and my literature teacher who said she wanted to see me in advanced literature. She was impressed with my writing skills and with my major assignment that I did on “Death.” My economics teacher did compliment me because of my hard work on a stock exchange project we did. I did get an award for that – I just remembered that.

It is hard to remember any good memories because there were so many traumatic ones.

In my home life, my social life, and at school. I had no safe place anywhere. I was in the vice-principles office often. Either for skipping class or smoking. I was in the nurses office a lot too because I always felt sick. They never asked me why, they always assumed I just did not want to go to class because I was a delinquent. I could not tell them that a math teacher made fun of me all the time in front of the class. He was the football coach and found it amusing to mock me when I asked questions. I could not tell them that the P.E. teacher found it amusing to measure my BMI and then proceed to call me obese. (He said that he was joking.) When I was maybe 120 pounds. That was a great thing to say to a teenage girl who had a boyfriend who was already calling her fat.

I dropped down to 100 pound by the next years.

I could not tell them that I skipped and hid in the bathroom because I found a huge bag of marijuana in my step dad’s coat pocket one day and I just needed to be alone to try and process what to do. Or that my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him. Or that my mom woke me up at three in the morning demanding that I do the dishes even though we had no dish soap so I was forced to use powdered laundry detergent. I could not tell them that the boys made derogatory comments to me that half the time I did not understand so I did not want to be in class. I could not tell them that several girls in another class that I was in threatened me.

No one listened and I did not know how to be heard.

When I tried to tell my story, they did not believe me or thought that I was being unruly because I could not get my words out. This caused me to have meltdowns, one major one with screaming, hitting, and raging in the office. IN ADDITION, when that happened I recall at least once being asked if I was having my period. That is not even the half of my life that happened while in that school. I understood how important it was for me to go and turn my thoughts into positives. I really wanted to see my niece perform. I wanted to be there for my sister, and I wanted to see my dad and step mom. I decided this time around I was not going to internalize my fears. I shared a little on facebook to get it out. It gave me the strength to text my dad and tell him that I was having problems because of all the negatives I had associated with that place.

Thankfully, he was supportive along with my sister and step mom.

They did not make a big deal out of it, but I could tell they were trying to “be there” for me. My dad met us in the parking lot. The school looked so tiny and not scary at all. It felt very different walking in there with my kids. It had only a momentary affect on me. When I looked down the hallways, my lung filled with heavy air. It smelled the same; I saw my locker when I was a senior. I saw the hallway where my other locker was when I was a freshman. The foreboding left as quickly as it came when I walked into the auditorium. It was where I had been in a beauty pageant. I discovered that pageants were not my type of thing, but I had positive memories of that day. I had memories flood of when I was in choir and my performances.

Eww, and that horrible electric blue dress we all had to wear that one year!

It made me laugh. We sat into the front row and all three kids did great. They sat the entire time and relaxed in the semi-dark to some tunes. Daniel asked a bunch of questions, but he did an amazing job at sitting there and trying to be quiet. He enjoyed himself. During the performance, I noticed that the woman I had talked to about music therapy was there. She recognized me and came up to me afterwards. She said that they have been working on a project to start “Sensory Friendly” concerts. She said, after watching Daniel she knew that it would be a great project to start. We talked for a little bit longer about the summer schedule for music therapy and went on our way.

It was a positive social interaction for me (with a woman) in my old school.

The whole thing was positive. When we were leaving, my dad decided that he wanted a picture of my locker on the way out. Another guy, went by the lockers with his wife and he had the locker next to me. I did not remember him at all so I think he was a couple of years before me, but I am not sure. I am not sure I would remember many faces from my school days. I took a picture of the kids in the hallway to help melt away the past memories of those hallways being filled with negatives.

Their smiling faces consumed them.

I walked out feeling a little more whole than I had before. It felt good. I could finally, look at the building and feel peace. I feel a little teary eyed right now in a strange sort of way. It feels as though I have lost a large chunk of my identity, but that I have gained a large part at the same time. I think I am going to be able to pull out some positive memories from school soon, after all of these negatives ones settle their voices. I knew coming back home was going to be challenging and liberating – I am glad that I am here.

A few resources.

Psychological and Behavioral Impact of Trauma: HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS

Signs of Trauma in Children

Types of Traumatic Stress

Happy pictures!

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04/28/13

High School Trauma: Road to Recovery I

I had not realized how much school associated trauma affected my emotions and anxieties while dealing with the kids teachers this year. I will get to my high school situation in a moment; however, my reaction about my high school was enhanced due to an interaction with Joshua’s teacher so I need to process it. I experienced bullying from grade school onto my high school in various forms. Many times, my naivety caused my downfall. I would not understand jokes, innuendos, behaviors etc… at the bus stop, on the bus, in the classroom, or out on recess, and that led to being made fun of constantly.

I was made fun of for the “odd” things I said and did.

I was made fun of for my birthmark and my looks in general. The kids made fun of my clothes, my mom, and my home. Others things as well like, how I could not stay quiet or still in class. Similar types of mockery went on through middle school and high school. I did some stupid things because of my naivety. I was clueless at the time, but I wanted to be liked and I wanted to have friends. If people dared me to do something, I would think that would make them like me. It only got me into trouble, made me more of a mockery, confused me, and caused feelings of isolation and depression.

The only group that accepted me was the “rough” crowd for the most part.

[There is just too much to write about.] They made fun of me too, but it was for my innocence and they found it amusing to have a girl in the group who had never kissed, done other “naughty” things, who did not smoke, or drink. Some of those things changed quickly enough. I was still a prude in many ways and it was funny to make fun of me for being that way. In grade school, though I noticed how my teachers did not see me in that light. They treated me as though I was the “bad” kid. I was ignored or I was being disciplined for my disruptive behaviors. I had problems sitting still.

In conduct, I regularly received a U for unsatisfactory.

I could not stop talking. I had problems writing. Art class was torture for me because of all the cutting, drawing, painting, multiple sensory and fine motors issues, and at that time, dealing with abstract art for me was very difficult. (Now I love it.) I was placed in intermediate reading even though at home I was reading encyclopedias, Grimm’s’ Fairy Tales, Aesop’s Fables, and various types of poetry and literature for fun by nine years-old. Though I loved numbers and understood them in a unique way I could not grasp the way they taught it in school and I was placed in basic math. I fell through the cracks.

I was invisible unless I was acting out.

I was sent to the hall many times. I was forced to beat chalkboard erasers to clean them as punishment, which was so painful to me that I would be sick for a couple of days afterwards. The dust made my stomach hurt, it made my nostrils raw, and I coughed for days because the dust seemed to be stuck in my lungs. It dried out my eyes and made them burn. The worst part was that I could not get the residue off my fingers and hands. Even after I would wash them, I could fill the dryness caked to my skin. It was awful!

I have all of that infused to my brain when it comes to teachers.

I especially have the anxiety and fear of not being heard by them. I would get in trouble for acting out and the majority of the time I was acting out because another child was messing with me, or I felt trapped in a desk forced to sit and listen to something that we had already gone over 50 million times! When I would try to explain myself to teachers, they only saw me as being disrespectful, unruly, and obstinate. I had no voice and I finally took on the perception of myself being nothing more than a nuisance. I felt that way at home and at school.

At the beginning of the school year for my kids this year, I had to work through those feelings.

I did not realize it at the time. I assumed it was all my social anxiety, it was a big change, and it was new. I did not know what to expect so I was anxious. I felt much better after talking to Daniel and Ariel’s teacher. I felt all right after speaking to Joshua’s teacher. However, by my next interaction with her I was thrown. I will not go into great detail, but she and I just do not click. I have not been able to find any sort of understanding of her way of communication and it has caused me to spiral into some severe anxiety attacks throughout the school year. Joshua had made several comments in the beginning of the year about her that I assumed were probably his own anxieties.

After a while, though I listened to him.

I think we just do not know how to communicate. Some people you cannot find a way to reach equal communication. I have found it difficult because I get on well with all of Daniel’s teachers and therapists. I have explained to Joshua’s teacher my concerns about his reading issues, yet his academics are excellent. He barely needs me at all for math or science expects to read or write out some words for him. He does great in language arts as well, except he has problems reading the computer screen. He takes a little longer to process his words when reading in general. I am concerned about him having dyslexia and I have sent an email to Daniel’s special ed teacher about getting Joshua evaluated through the school.

It was prompted after my interaction with Joshua’s teacher Friday morning.

I will keep this part short, and in fairness, she has been gone on maternity leave for several weeks. It was her first week back. In a way I am happy that all of it transpired because I also asked about getting Joshua evaluated for Aspergers or ADHD through the school. I am waiting on my psychologist to get him scheduled for an evaluation, but it looks as though it will be the middle of the summer. Daniel’s special ed teacher will be working with Joshua and me for his IEP if he is diagnosed so it does not hurt to ask her questions.

I know I give so many details!

I am trying to stay focused. Because of all that had happened on Friday morning, I was struck with anxiety and fear. I became fearful because I had emailed several questions about Joshua and about Daniel in regards to adding more accommodations to his IEP. I started to become overwhelmed with fears that they all think that I am a bad mother and that I do not do enough for my kids. Then, the thoughts that they feel that I am a helicopter mom and want ALL of these accommodations to make it easy for my kids and myself. I started to panic that Joshua’s teacher would want to retain him despite his high scores and massive improvements that he has made.

The final anxiety blow was about Daniel.

They decided to move him forward to third grade because of how much he has progressed and improved. I started to fear about that, but I had no definitive fear, just a foreboding fear. Those thoughts were consuming my brain and then, the plans for Saturday started meshing in there too. My plans for Saturday started to mix and mingle with my other lingering anxieties. I take the kids to the YMCA so Ariel and Joshua can do gymnastics. I had originally, planned to take Daniel swimming during that time, but now they have scheduled swim lessons. That means we have to wait until Ariel and Joshua are finished then go swimming. I am at the Y for almost three hours. :-/ My dad texted me earlier in the week and said that they were coming for the weekend and wanted to know if they could see us.

Our schedules were not working out.

I found out my niece was going to perform in her choral on Saturday and I thought that would be a great thing to go to, something new for the kids. I was waiting on my sister to tell me the when and where it would be. Ok, so I had all of that anxiety from earlier with the teacher, my general anxiety about family coming and being at the Y for almost three hours, (trying to keep Daniel entertained for an hour) then, my sister texted me the time and that it was going to be at my old high school. My body sunk for a moment. I had a strange response that I cannot articulate. I thought, “Well that sucks.” and moved on.

However, my subconscious self did not move on.

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04/26/13

“I Was Not Raised To Say Good Morning!”

I did say something like that – it is true. It is kind of a funny story, the reason why those words came out of my mouth. It was when David and I had moved across country. We had to live with his mom and stepfather for several months. They were challenging months. One indecent that still sticks out is the day David and I were requested to have a meeting with his stepfather and mom. It was something that I will never forget because it confused me tremendously. Many social situations happened while living there and in that town that awakened me to such utter confusion that I was in a constant state of anxiety.

I had never been around such social dynamics and I was traumatized.

On a daily basis, I was confused, hurt, angry, sick, and my head was reeling nonstop trying to make sense of my surroundings. I had no family or friends and only David to rely upon. At least, I understood somewhat the traumas that I felt with my family. They were familiar and I had learned how to protect myself, maybe not in the healthiest of ways, but I could protect myself nonetheless. However, when this situation took place we had only been there a few weeks so I had not spiraled into fear, confusion, and severe anxiety yet.

Back to the story, I will try to stay focused.

There had been several days of tension in the air. I was clueless as to what was going on, but I felt it. It was causing my head to feel dizzy. I did notice that tones, body language, and words seemed different, but I had no idea why. I asked David about it and he did not pay that much attention to it. His stepfather had been in his life for around 23 years. This man violated David and his brother’s space, time, and anything else in their lives that he could. So David was in his own protection mode and knew how to ignore the man, or finds ways to make himself feel better.

The minute I met the man I did not feel comfortable around him.

The only way I could describe at the time was he seemed very negative and grumpy. When he walked into the room, it seemed to zap out all the life in each person. Nothing made him happy, but me being the hopeful naive person I am, I thought we just needed to try harder. I thought maybe David was too negative and possibly God was trying to show us how to be more compassionate. Well, there are times when I just lose all compassion toward a person, especially when I have tried very hard and they accuse me of being disrespectful.

OR rude!

Keep in mind that David and I were in our early thirties when this took place. We were finally able to set a time to meet. It was in the evening, we sat in the living room. I did not know what to expect. I felt like a teenager who was about to be grounded or something, but I had no idea what I had done wrong. I had gone over everything in my head trying to figure out what this was all about. Then conversation started with the stepfather voicing his frustrations at us and feeling as though we were disrespecting him.

I was confused.

Now they told us that we were welcome into their home to stay as long as we needed. As far as I knew, it was rent-free until we were able to get our own place. David and I were still unable to find work, we had only been there a few weeks, and in the midst of that, we had gotten married.

I did not understand what this man was talking about.

Much of it is a blur to me now because I became so angry and confused that the words were jumbled. It came down to this, the stepfather said; he was upset because we did not say, “Good morning” to him every morning. WHAT??? I sat there staring at him in disbelief. He proceeded to share every bit of grievance he had about us not acknowledging him if he came into the room, and being disrespectful by coming and going when we pleased.

David was angry.

I was stumped. He continued with his banter about not saying good morning and I told him, “I was not raised that way.” He shook his head at me and said, “I do not believe you Angel, I saw you with your family when they were here.”These words shot out of my mouth, “That was my dad and step mom! I did not grow up with them. Besides it has taken years for me to even be like that with them.”

I went into HOW I was raised.

I grew up with my mom and in that house you did (do) not talk until after she has her morning tea. There was never a good morning. I was not allowed to say that or ask questions, or request breakfast until my mom had her first cup of tea and cigarette. (I was making my own breakfast by around age 6 or 7, probably earlier but I cannot remember clearly.) What he saw with my dad was years of weekend visits. In my home, you were lucky to get a grunt if you walked into the room. I was constantly told to be quiet, settle down, and stop asking questions. I was told things such as, “I don’t know, I am tired, stop asking me questions, leave mommy alone.” I was not allowed to speak to my mom when she came home from work. I had to give her at least 10 minutes before I bothered her with anything.

My mom was not trying to be mean; she needed that time to process.

She requires uninterrupted time alone to wake up in the morning to adjust to her day. If her routine is interrupted, her entire day is ruined. When she gets home from anywhere, she needs time to adjust. She has to change her clothes; many times, she needs some food, and then, her tea. After that, she is able to function socially. Also in my house, “please and thank you” were not that big of a deal. Other things took precedence.

It wasn’t that I was raised to be rude, but we did not spend our time saying such things.

It was that those words had real meaning to them; they were earned so to speak. My mom did not force me to say them. We said them to each other when we meant them or thought of it. I do think that both of us would have benefited if we had said those types of things to each other more often. We had too many other things on our mind than to think about things like that. It is a little difficult for me to explain.

That is how I was raised.

Not to mention by the time the “stepfather” incident happened, I had been living on my own since I was 18 years-old for the most part. (I had to move back home a few times, but about 6 months was the longest stretch.) I had my own routines. I had lived alone for most of that time, but when I met David, I had been alone for something like a year and half I believe. I could not believe the behavior of a grown man getting upset at such foolishness. However, when I thought about this situation I recalled how many other people have gotten offended at me for not saying good morning.

They have gotten offended at me not addressing their presence.

If I am busily working, I may look up at you, but it is as my mouth is sealed shut. I have no words. My mind is too busy processing other things. If it is first thing in the morning, it is raging with all sorts of thoughts from trying to discern the dream I had to wondering if I can recall some famous event that happened on that day years ago. It could be anything. I could be wondering if squirrels are fidgety or just anxious. I could try to figure out a more efficient way to clean the litter box.

Anything and multiple things are soaring through my brain.

AND let us go ahead and add how I could be freaking out on the inside because I smell someone’s cologne or food on the other side of the room! I could be so focused on not yelling, “What is that god awful smell?” that I just cannot stop all that I am doing and say something to you first. I can usually say it back if someone says it first, I most likely will not say good morning though.

I WILL NOT say that if it is not a “good” morning.

I will say, hi, morning, or give a head nod. I do not get offended if someone does not say it to me. At some point, in the day they will speak to me I am fine with that. Of course, my way of thinking does not work for passive-aggressive types. Their tactics of silent treatment do not work on me. I only assume that they do not feel like talking because when I do not feel like talking I do not talk.

I am not giving the silent treatment.

The point of my story is that I was perceived as rude and disrespectful and I had no idea that the person felt that way. The way that I was raised, it was rude and disrespectful if I did talk before someone else spoke to me. I could not understand his anger or hurt by the situation. All though, the man had other serious issues. He even went after David after he had excused me because of my up-bringing.

He told him, “You know better.”

As if, David was supposed to have made me aware, or something. Um, we were in our thirties! David had been in graduate school for seven years prior, I had been in the workforce since I was 16 years-old, both of us had been married and divorced, AND we lived on our own for years. None of that mattered because he could only see from his perspective, which was distorted by offense. Truth be told, I was offend too because of his offense. People seem to forget about where others are coming from when they are clouded by offense, myself included. I was not raised that way, I was deeply offended at what I felt was childish and ridiculous, but I also tried my best to do small things to help this man feel respected.

He did let us stay in his home, even if David’s mom may have been the driving force behind that.

I still felt that he should be respected and that I would try. I do not think it much mattered though, he is just one of those people that no matter how much you try it is never enough. I will say, it was awkward and a challenge for me to remember to say “good morning.” It still is, it is a challenge for me to remember to say say thank you or other ”polite” things. Not because I do not feel them, quite honestly, the words seem to have lost their weight to me. Any person can say words flippantly and without true purpose – I like to show my appreciation through actions.

It feels more comfortable to me to do something in return for someone than, to only say words. (AND I will not say them unless I mean them.)

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04/21/13

I’m Too Tired… Product Of Overload

I was going to attempt to finish the post I was working on, but my brain is just too exhausted. I am fighting with an array of emotions for many different things. This week was a rough one for Daniel. He refused my help on several days, and I was not able to bring any peace. This can make me fall into sadness and negative thoughts. The reason is that I get overwhelmed with thoughts like, “I am the only one who knows how to help him and if I can’t then what?”

I have fears run through my head about never finding a positive solution to help him.

I know that this is not true. However, when I do not get sleep, breaks, and the school schedule is overwhelming for the week, I get tired. As I write this I seem to have an apologetic tone. In a way, I do feel like I should apologize. I have this feeling that I should be sorry for not having all that it takes to be a parent that is fully capable of handling every situation that arises. That sounds ludicrous writing it out, but I am sure I am not the only mother who has or has had those thoughts.

I have given my energy to helping all three of my children and doing my daily tasks.

I should not feel as though I am less for not being “spot on” with everything this week. Sometimes I have no idea what Daniel needs, MOST of the time I do. However, those times when I think of everything possible, I do everything I can think of, and then, go in search of answers and still find none, those days seem to wipe out all the other days that I do have the answers and can help him. He is much better today and this week looks promising. I am drained and quite honestly ready for school to be over.

I need a boost to get me motivated for the last couple of weeks of school.

It is not helping that I am extremely frustrated with standardized testing. I have read entirely too much about it the last three days and it is getting to me. I think if I take the rest of the day off from thinking about school stuff tomorrow and reading that information I will do much better. I hope. I need a break from negative language starting from how people talk about themselves or our world, to how people talk negatively about autism. I thought about what could have happened to Daniel this week if he was in a school setting.

I thought about how he could have been treated.

I thought about how people would have perceived him had they witnessed what he was going through. I knew that most likely they would not have considered all that he had done in the two weeks prior. Not because they are inconsiderate, but because the way we process and are affected by change, environments, sensory stimulation, and social dynamics are so foreign to them that those things would not be in the forefront of their minds. They would not have considered all of the social activities he had done. They would not have considered everything that he was still processing from all those situations. They would not have thought about all of the sensory input and social settings that his brain was still pondering.

Without clear context for some because many of them were new for him.

They would not have considered the weather changes, pollen floating around, or how the pressure changes affect him. They may have thought that he was being unruly and obstinate by refusing to take his tests or work on his research paper. Tests that are about 50 questions with reading comprehension and math problems that he has not done before. A research paper that I have had to convince him repeatedly to work on over the course of several months that is due soon. He still sees no purpose in it and this coming week I have to find a way to convince him to try to write a few paragraphs of it.

Sigh… that makes my heart hurt just thinking about it.

He is feeling better, to force him to do so much handwriting, well that could be too much. Granted he has had several months to work on this, but it is a challenge to convince him to do assignments unless he finds a good reason for it. I tried many different ideas and repeated some. The one that worked this time was reminding him how much he loves sea turtles. I hope it lasts through the writing part. I could be wrong about how he may have been treated. We could find a great school staffed with grand teachers who are able to devote such time and energy on thinking about my son’s needs and how his brain processes.

It is not out of the question.

The reality is even the best teachers are not always equipped with the time or resources for that. These thoughts do ring through my head because when I cannot help him, I begin to question whether homeschooling is the best for him. When I thought about all of that, the one thing that did help him when nothing else could was reminding him that it was ok. When he said things like, “Why do I do this?” I explained to him how he is affected by all of those I mentioned earlier. It helped to understand that nothing was wrong with him, we just needed to find better ways to help him decompress. Some of his behaviors were not ok and the positive is that he knew that.

He tried very hard not to fall into them.

When he did, he apologized or said that he did not know what else to do. Now that is HUGE progress. I can understand not knowing what else to do. I can understand much of what he was feeling; I only wish I had the answers to help this week so that both of us could have had a better week. The most important things that happened this week was that Daniel knew that he was accepted no matter what and that he was understood. The week is over, we are moving on, I had to process, (I have my own overloadeness that needs to be processed as well.) and now I am letting it go. All is good despite the freaky weather! (Ariel and Joshua did just fine, they each got extra alone time with me or David. I have found that helps a lot when we are having a rough week.)

Picture time.

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04/14/13

Whirlwind Week

This entire month has been full of activity. The kids and I have been doing all sorts of things in addition to doing our regular school schedule. I have been trying to get them ahead of schedule because my mom is supposed to come the third week of May. I think that is when, I will have to double check. Their last day of school is May 23rd and I would like them to be finished as soon as possible. Ariel and Joshua are almost down to only language arts and math lessons, but Daniel is a little further behind on his assignments.

In the last two months, I have seen huge progression with Daniel and Joshua in their reading.

They have been working so hard, but I am concerned with the Dibels readings coming up. I did manage to get their teachers to allow us to print off their monitoring reading stories ahead of time so they would not be on the computer screen. It is too difficult for them to read on there and being timed makes them nervous. Both of them need the paper lying flat and words covered so they do not get overwhelmed with all of the sentences, they can look like masses of letter blobs to them if they are not covered.

All three of the kids have improved a great deal in their handwriting.

We have been working on it and I have tried to make it as fun and positive as possible. It wears them out though. I have to keep it light on the lessons if I am going to have them do writing assignments on that day. No, practice does not make perfect. We cannot do it every day because it is too much for them to process.

They will become overwhelmed and it will turn into a negative.

I was so excited for Ariel because she practiced on her own with cursive. She has started reading in cursive too. It has boosted her confidence with writing because she thinks it is easier. I was so happy that Daniel actually wrote in cursive for me too. He did have to turn in one of his writing assignments in cursive. I was so proud and excited, until I saw that the teacher gave him a 5 out of 10.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

However, I do not want to dwell on that right now because this post is all about the great things that are happening. Our week actually started on Saturday the 6th, (with continued activity since then) when we went to my aunt’s for my birthday party, on Sunday I think we stayed home. Then, on Monday, Ariel and I went to the YMCA. I wrote what happened on Monday about the bully situation, but the awesome news is that Ariel recovered well and wanted to go with me on Thursday night. She went right into the children’s center with no problems and had a great time. I had a great time Piloxing … except I ate yogurt earlier that day and that was not a good idea. My belly felt awful afterwards. I do not do well with yogurt anyway; I have no idea why I decided to eat it that day. :-/

I forgot on Wednesday that I took the kids to play Putt Putt (mini-golf) after school.

A cool whirlwind image!

During our school breaks, I made phone calls – one for music therapy and another to set up dentist appointments for the kids. I will set mine soon. Yippie! I can’t wait to see what all needs to be done in there. I still have two of my baby teeth; one of them seems to have a cyst of some sort above it. I may have to go to an orthodontist for that. I really do not care I just want my teeth cleaned and my one cavity taken care of before I panic again that I have a cavity at all! Yes, it is my first and only cavity. I am a little freaky about my teeth. Oh, and yes! I made phone calls and had no anxiety issues!

I am getting over my phone anxiety, a little bit.

I still have my moment’s right before I call and right after I get off the phone, but other than that, I am doing really well. I forgot I had to talk to Joshua’s teacher on Wednesday too. On Friday, I had to talk to Ariel and Daniel’s teacher about placement for next year. Ariel will be going into all gifted classes. She wanted to hold off on talking about Daniel until she spoke with his special ed teacher. I had to talk to her on Friday too. I know she was getting a feel for where I was at with placement for him. That is another post all together, but I did make it clear that I was gearing toward him moving on to third grade. We are supposed to have a meeting with all of his therapists, teachers, and another woman whose title I cannot recall at the moment.

I will worry about that later.

On Friday, I dropped the kids off at grandma’s house for about an hour and half to give me a little break before we went to the Autism Awareness event. Then! Saturday I took Ariel and Joshua to their gymnastics class and Daniel and I went swimming. (At YMCA again.) AND Daniel actually put on a life jacket for me. He has refused and refused for years. The last time he wore one he was four years-old and we went to the beach. I took him to the deep end and he was latched onto to me for the first few minutes. I pulled him off and held him by his hands, until he was finally comfortable enough to let go.

He swam in the deep end by himself!

I told him how proud I was of him and he was proud too. He said, “I am doing it! I am swimming in the deep part all by myself. I am floating though.” Lol! This is such a great thing. He has been afraid of the deep end for a long time. I am just so pleased with all of the things we have been doing lately. I am also so proud of all that the kids have been accomplishing. Daniel has amazed me with his willingness to try new things. It has also been so wonderful that he has been enjoying himself so much more when we do things. He wants to go places and do new things. That is much different than, almost a year ago when we moved here and he refused to get into the car for months.

His attitude about school has changed as well.

His teachers and therapists said that he seems like a new kid. He is happy most of the time. He is willing to read or participate much more than before and if he does not want to he is able to communicate that. YAY! Now it is not all fun and awesomeness. There are moments that are not fun at all. Today happened to be an ALL day not-so-fun day, but being that we did so much this week I was ready and expecting it. I have been kind of cranky all day and so have the kids.

The day did not go as planned and we are socially and physically tired.

The kids and I did work on the yard for a couple of hours yesterday too. (They helped a little, it was more like they played while I worked. ) That is a lot for all of us. This coming week is full too, not as much as this week. I think we will take more breaks this past week. Still I am so happy about all that we have done, it feels good to be able to go out and enjoy ourselves even if it feels like a whirlwind!

My post may sound like a whirlwind, but it has been one of those kinds of days – my brain is frazzled!

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04/13/13

Our First Autism Awareness Event, Um …

Last night, I took the kids to an Autism Awareness event in town. It is the first time that I have been able to take them for various reasons. It was the first year that I felt that Daniel would be able to go and enjoy himself and want to participate. I was not sure what to expect. I tried not having any expectations. I knew that I was walking into an event where it was called “awareness” and that word can have multiple meanings depending on each person’s perspective. I was not sure if the organization that was heading it was for acceptance or had other feelings toward Autism.

I had done my research about them and by all that I read they seemed to be very accepting.

Though, I still was not sure and being that I had so many negative experiences where we lived before I am very cautious. Little history, I had several churches claim they were accepting only to discover they thought Autism was demonic and/or Daniel needed healing or deliverance. NOT. I also, reached out to another organization that claimed they were there to help Autistic children with therapies, cost of therapies, and connect families for support, only to discover that they were pushing a cure Autism agenda. That is only a couple of experiences I had, I do have a few more, but I think that is enough info to explain my cautious attitude.

I kept my guard up and knew that if I felt or saw any of those types of things that the kids and I would just leave.

Thankfully, it was in a school only minutes from our house, easy to find and it always helps when we do not have to be in the car long. All the kids can get car sick, and Daniel still has moments of car anxiety that can be triggered going to new places. It was at a school in their gymnasium. We had to register when we got there and everything seemed very smooth and positive. The only thing that bothered me was that they had a DJ, blaring loud music that did not seem appropriate for young children, who have sensory issues. We could feel the vibrations out in the entryway. It was thumping and pounding, Daniel started to ask why his body was vibrating and why was it so loud.

I told him that we did not have to stay if it was too loud, but he said that he wanted to go in.

Everyone was very nice, but no one talked to us. They all just looked and smiled. I took it upon myself to take the kids around to play the games and make some crafts. They had a table sitting out with T-shirts to buy, but I was not sure what that was for until later. I was a little confused by everything because it was my understanding that it was an event for families with children who are Autistic and who have disabilities. They said on their website, to come help celebrate autism awareness month by coming to the event and that they provide this program as a service that is for families in our community raising a child on the Autism spectrum. (I paraphrased that.)

Here is where I had expectations.

What I read about the night indicated to me that it was for families raising a child(ren) on the Autism spectrum and to share information and resources offered by the community. No one spoke to us about the dog therapy when we went over, several times, to see the dogs and pet them. They talked to themselves and the dogs just sat there being pet. When I went to the table where the T-shirts were to see what it was about, no one talked to me except to ask what size shirt I wanted. I said that I did not have any cash; she asked if I had my checkbook. I did not. I had not expected to be giving money. I clearly did not understand the purpose of the event. She seemed to not know anything about what the organization offered and directed me toward a several handouts, but her main focus was for the fundraiser.

In my reading of the information on the website, which I read several times, I did not notice the fact that it was a money-raising event.

I could say that was my own confusion, I honestly do not know. Maybe I read things to literally, I do that you know. I was very pleased to discover that they have a positive outlook about Autism. There were several people wearing shirts that had the puzzle type of logo, but the images swirled into words that said, “Autism Embrace the Amazing!” Their organization uses their funds to provide help for families who cannot afford therapies, help with legal issues, getting SSI information and assistance, they help advocate for the rights of individuals with disabilities, and have parent support groups.

Their main purpose is to improve the life of young autistics through support and acceptance.

That made me very happy, and the atmosphere, though it felt odd to me was not negative. I am glad I went and I think the more events I go to the more I will get a feel of how to interact. Possibly, another event that is more directed specifically toward Autistic families will be a better fit. It was a wonderful experience for the kids. They had so much fun playing with all of the sensory toys and running around the huge gym. I do admit, I was a little worried when I realized we were in a school building. I never had to think of it before, but now my mind goes there. What if someone without understanding was to come in and attack solely based on the false perceptions of Autism from media and certain circles. I hate that I was thinking of that, but I did.

I had to scan the gym, look for the exits, think of an escape route, just in case.

I was not paranoid; I only felt that I could not be that naive to believe that everyone is accepting of Autism. That is what all of the negative media has done to me – it has made me cautious and feel that I need to protect my children from ignorance that could turn to violence. I did not think of it long, only to have a plan and move on. Because of that though, when Daniel was digging around in a toy bin for what felt like forever, (he could not decide what he wanted) and I lost sight of Ariel for a moment, I felt anxious. I scanned that gym like a hawk. When I located her, I told Daniel that I would be right back; I did not go far at all to yell for Ariel to come closer. However, when I turned around Daniel was gone.

Again, my eyes scanned the gym like a hawk.

Panic started to set in because I could not see him, finally, I spotted him. He was walking very fast straight for the exit. I could tell that he was in a panic from behind; he was walking faster and faster. I was yelling his name, his hands were flapping, and everyone just watched. I thought that was very strange after the fact. I told Ariel and Joshua to stay there and I ended up in a full on sprint because he was heading out the exit doors, and no one stopped him. :-/ I caught up to him, put my arms around him to give him a squeeze, and then, turned him around. His face was red, tears were in his eyes, and he was breathing heavy. He could not even tell who I was. I kept looking at him, squeezing his arms, saying, “Look Boo, it’s mommy. I am right here.”

After about the fourth time, he was able to recognize me.

Then, he said, “I thought you left me.” I reassured him that I never leave him and that I was right there. He apparently, did not hear me when I said that I would be right back. I said it three times, but I think it was all too much to process with the noise, toys, and excitement. I found it odd that no one stopped him or tried to stop him after they saw me yelling his name and running. I would have stopped any young child heading toward the exit doors without a parent, but that is me, I guess. He does look older since he is so tall …

I think writing this out indicates that I do have certain expectations.

I did not realize it, but I do. Overall, I am very happy with how everything went. The kids loved it, Daniel enjoyed himself, and the noise did not affect him the way that it used to. Even 6 months ago, we would not have been able to stay very long. We stayed for an hour and a half last night! We all left feeling good. The other thing I discovered was that the event was to help raise money for their Autism Awareness walk that is happening in a couple of weeks. I would like to participate, but I do not think I will be able to. I do feel that it was good for us to get out and try it. It definitely helps me with my social anxiety. I was confused at first, but then, I sat and thought about all I had observed.

I watched the young and older ladies line dance to music like Cotton-Eye Joe and I Am Sexy and I Know It.

It felt off, but I did enjoy seeing some of the kids that were there having a great time dancing. Joshua got his groove on to some songs and then, Daniel jumped into a little moves too. It was great! As I observed the volunteers and some of the other people who seemed to know each other, the words, “This is for them.” popped in my head. I realized that there were sensory toys and stations set up in the gym, but the bulk of the event seemed to be geared toward the people that already knew each other and for those who are not Autistic. I had a moment when I understood the lack of collaboration between autistic adults and autistic events.

It is one thing to read about it from others, it is another thing to experience it.

While, I fully understand the need to do things that will reach people not on the autism spectrum, I wondered if they would be willing to work with adults on the spectrum. It also, made me wonder what kind of event could be done for us in my community. I see us do a lot of campaigning and activity via the internet, but I have not seen too many activities that are done by Autsitics at a local level. Though, I have only thought of this and I have not done much research. There could be things, I just need to look. However, I do know that in my community there is not anything. I have been in communication with a woman in town who started an Aspergers adult group last year, but it dwindled due to several reasons.

She and I have still been trying to think of activities that would be good for the group.

However, life has been a bit hectic and full of activity so I have not been able to spend much time on that either. I think I am going to set some goals that will be attainable in the near future with this, but I also plan to set goals for next year’s Autism Awareness/Acceptance month. I plan on reaching out to this organization and meeting with another woman in town that heads up a local support group to get a feel. Of course, my first plan is to get connected and learn who these people are as people without any pressure on myself about these goals I am thinking about. I want to meet others who are working with the autism community in my town. I am hopeful because of the positive attitudes I have encountered so far, in every new social adventured, we have tried.

I am excited because they have been accommodating, accepting, and kind.

I am not sure where I am going with all of this, but I am processing. I do know that I would like to be more active in the community. I think it would be great if people were willing to listen to an adult autistics locally. Who knows, if I were to speak up maybe I could find others around here who would like to as well. I would like to find more mothers who are autistic themselves, I think it would be beneficial to find more women in my real life, but if that is not the case I would like to be open to other mothers who I could connect with. You never really know who you can find some sort of bond with, it may not be related to being a mother or autistic at all. I could find a friend at the YMCA in one of my classes.

Something has shifted in my thinking that I noticed last night.

I did not feel so lonely as I looked around and saw everyone talking, laughing, and hanging out. I did not feel hurt when people did not talk to me. I was satisfied with smiles and short conversations. I was not seeking them to understand my son or me. I was simply content and at peace observing, understanding certain dynamics, and enjoying all the children and my children. I was not offended at the lack of “autismness.” I understood what and why they did what they did. I think it sunk in for the first time that if I want something to be “Autism Friendly” that I am going to have to jump in and do something about it. I will be pondering this. Next! I can’t wait to write my next post sharing about all of the awesome things that has happened with the kids this week. It makes my heart overflow with joy when they are happy and proud of themselves!

I feel that last night turned out to be a spectacular evening on multiple levels.

Pictures!

[Show as slideshow]

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03/13/13

Wordless Wednesday(?) Sea Monkeys & Such

I cannot be wordless. No matter how hard I try, I must say more than, a picture or two (billion.) I plan to make this post short though. I feel that I need to get something out. I have to force myself to write something because my brain is jumbled with thoughts and emotions. I know what I want to write, but I also know that if I start writing I may end up with another whole series of posts that I do not have time to write about at this time. I am having great revelations for myself. I feel as though my brain has been stuck in a vortex and I clawed myself to clarity that I have not had in a very long time.

Quite honestly, I do not remember when exactly, but I know this feeling.

It is the feeling of major change in my thinking. The difference this time is that I have answers that I did not have times before. I understand the reasons for my quirks and routines. I have a better understanding about my sensory issues and how to handle them better. I know why I eat certain ways and have social anxiety. I understand how others have impacted me and the reasons for much of my confusion over the years.

Although, I do not think some of my social confusion is going to magically disappear.

I have “understood” these things for quite a while, however, they have been poked and made fun of which in turn made me feel as if there was still something wrong with me. The implied negatives made me feel that I still needed to feel badly, embarrassed, or as though I was not equal to others because of them. That is what making jokes about my anxieties, sensory issues, Aspergers does to me.

I have a new understanding about this though.

I am also no longer internalizing such things. This has come with my new clarity as well. It is not funny or kind to make fun of others like that, period. I have clear beneficial answers though and that helps a lot. I have clear beneficial helps. That is all new and I believe will lead me into better thinking patterns and ways to cope. I know that many things will continue throughout my life, such as my anxiety and cycles of depressive thoughts, certain loops, and becoming extremely interested in something until I exhaust all resources and find something else.

I will also still have some of special interests that I have had since I was a child.

Those are parts of me that will not change. They may manifest differently in the coming years, but they are a part of me. Enough about all of that. I will share some pictures of the kid’s special interests lately. Daniel’s has been batteries for a very long time. He has now added screwdrivers into the mix. Ariel’s is dragons and books, but lately she and Joshua have been nonstop on Hero Factory adventures. We have all become rather enthralled with our Sea Monkeys.

I really like them.

I thought I had killed all of them because I apparently overfed them, but at least five survived! It looks like there are a few more – I cannot really tell though they all look alike except for the two big fellas. I find them fascinating to watch. You can find the kids and I leaning on the counter watching our Sea Monkeys swim wildly at any given time of day. The time change has not been the most pleasant of adventures, but I do not feel like talking about any of that. Hmm… Well, my mind is starting to stir; before I start to go into anything else, I will say my goodbyes for today.

Enjoy the Sea Monkey & Hero Factory invasion! Imagine Dragons - On Top of the World – Lyrics