I have been going for weeks; my energy levels were at high peaks and I felt as though I would be able to maintain that level forever (except those times when my body shut down on me and I was fatigued, yeah … I always forget those times when my energies are high.) – until, last night. I felt very tired on Wednesday, but assumed that it was the weather and quickly concluded that there was simply too much to do so no time for tired. No time! Yesterday, I seemed to gain some burst of energy and managed to complete the entire garage mess, mounds of boxes and mish mash all organized and arranged tightly to fit our minivan in a snug little niche of the garage. I became fixated on ensuring that the car would go into the garage yesterday – it HAD to be done that day no exceptions!
I do not know why, my mind just grabbed hold of it and would not let it go.
I did that while, doing school with the kids, unpacking random boxes inside, and feeding everyone. I thought no doubt I had enough energy to do an hour long boot camp session at the Y. David has been asking me for days if I need to take a break – me? No, NEVER!! There is so much to be done and I have to workout or else my mind may rage into anxiety or meltdown in the midst of all of this change. My instructor got onto me several times about my form. I did not realize how wobbly I was and my sprained ankle is still recovering so I am not at my best. She almost made me sit out several times, the last time she said, “If you are going to hold that bar like that get off my floor! You are tired!”
I looked at her defiantly and held my weight bar correctly while maintaining proper form.
How could she know if I was tired or not? Geez! However, the words pounded in my head, “You are tired!” I scoffed to myself. I am not tired. What is she talking about? After my workout, I was off to Walmart for food shopping – an hour or so in Walmart. I came hope and Daniel was especially, clinging feeling his anxiety rising I sat with him, soothed him, and got him to bed after a long while of soothing and comforting. Still in my sweaty clothes, starving, and getting very cranky since, I had not eaten since lunchtime I finally sat to eat my dinner much later than usual.
As I sat there, it hit me – I was tired.
BUT tired, is not allowed around here. There is too much to do. Too many things to take care of too many people to feed, too many things to clean! Too many stuffs!! I took my shower, went to bed, and thought I will feel better in the morning. I had a dream that left me feeling disappointed and sad, but I was quite happy and jolly this morning. I have been all day. However, when I took Ariel to her classes today I was once again struck with tired. I walked up the stairs with her and Daniel thinking, it’s tired in here. I spent two hours trying to keep Daniel entertained because his Elmo got boring after a while. We walked, I tried to talk with him and tell silly stories. He told me that he only wants to do silly stories with daddy. Then, he told me, “I like sitting with you.”
It was sweet and somewhat sad at the same time, I was all, “Hey! I am way sillier than dad!”
I want to have fun being silly too. It was good insight, and we quietly walked together around the building discussing all of the details and why it was build the way it was … as we do every week. I ended up plopping down on the walkway letting Daniel run in the grass. It was then, that my tiredness really came to fruition. I tried to write. I have had a dozen poems and posts swarming through my head for weeks that I cannot get out. At first, I thought O-M-G! I will never be able to write again! My brain will deflate and my body will retaliate, I will cease to exist! (I do overact sometimes. :-))
When I started to type out the poem that was flooding my brain the words that were in my head would not come out of my fingers.
They were getting all jumbled and mixed up. The poem did not say what I wanted it to say. It came out with different words, why was I typing different words than what my brain was thinking? The words were coming out before they should or after – it was so frustrating. I closed the iPad and played with Daniel. As I ran around with him I could feel how exhausted my physical body was for the first time, when I came home I felt just how mentally exhausted I was too. I was sharing with David how tired I felt and that I could not understand why I was so tired.
He shook his head.
He said, “You do this all the time. You have no gauge of much you have pushed yourself. You need to rest.” to be honest with you, I do not know how to rest. Even in my exhausted state, my mind is going a mile a minute. I am thinking of what needs to be done or how to get it done. I am making plans and preparing for the next thing. If I am not focused on that, my mind starts, to wander into philosophical musings that can get me going down multiple paths of anything and I mean anything. Mediation does not work for me – I find nothing to truly relax my body or my mind I just find ways to calm the static.
I am calm and peaceful, but ever going.
Even in my most relax state I have a billion things going on in my head. Ideas, thoughts, music, images, people, questions – oh heavens, the questions! I get overwhelmed at times with Daniel’s constant question asking it is a lot to answer in a day and half the time the questions he asks do not have concrete answers or they have complex answers. I love his constant questions do not get me wrong, I waited too long to hear them and will never take them for granted! However, his questions mingled with my gazillion questions in my own head can lead to mania. What is worse is when he asks questions that I have wanted the answers to forever AND I still do not know. Egads!! Awww, the agony!
So yeah, here is my exhausted tired brain and body frantically writing about my tiredness.
I think I need to think about how I can relax. I have tried so many of the “normal” ways of relaxing and they do not work for me. There is no way I will get a massage ever again! I have the urge to sit and watch the TV. Maybe I will try that tonight. I will find something that is entertaining hopefully, it will let my brain soak in a story and let it go. I am not sure if that will work, but my brain is too frazzled to read, but too wired not to get fixated on something and go into research mode. I am going to go now, I think I may be tiredly rambling and not realizing it. Any tips on how to know when you are tired? How do you help yourself gauge? Any tell tale signs that you can share with me that may be beneficial?
What do you do to relax?