I had to get up and write that post!

So at 3am I went into the school room on the kids computer, in the dark, eyes barely focused, and wrote out that post. For some reason I had to have it finished before later in the morning or day. I still have no idea why other than I was able to sleep a bit more after 4:30am when I posted it. That was another strange thing, I posted it without really going over it. So what happened? I go back to read it later that morning and see that I called David, my mom and myself “idolators” instead of isolators. In the past I would have had a panic attack at the thought of anyone reading that, this time I laughed. I am still laughing. How funny, idolators.

I think my brain needed to process the information.

The topic of moving has been flying around for over a year now. We had not found a location that was a good fit. Again, going to another city where I do know anyone or have any family at this point would not be a good thing for me. Everything that I wrote about in Big Changes…Possibly, have been concerns for a while and there are still other issues and factors that we are dealing with that I have not written about. In the past week the idea of moving to my hometown has become a real possibility. Actually more than that, we are about 96.8% sure that we will be there this time next year.

I still am not sure how I feel about all of that.

I am not going panic, I am going to process. We will be about three hours away from my dad which is a good distance. Small doses to enjoy him. My grandma lives in my hometown as well so she can help me and go places with me and the kids if I need help. Or she can babysit for me. I am not too sure about other family members, I am not close to many of my family members. Mainly my aunt is the closest, I tend to feel awkward around my grandma too, but I do not feel like talking about my awkward disconnect to family. I am sure I will have a ton to write about when/if we move there. She was planning on moving here, but she has continued to put it off and prolong the whole thing. I could help her get her house ready to sell, that may be one of the issues for her. She has friends and family there also and it may be hard for her to leave. She is quite the social butterfly. Here she would only have my mom and other two sisters. I am just writing anything that is popping in my head so I am stopping on this topic.

Good news!

Daniel pooped on the potty yesterday for the first time!! Sorry for the poop talk, but that is a VERY big deal. He told me on his own that he wanted to and he sat and did it. He was very proud of himself. Another great thing happened yesterday. We were sitting on the couch together, he has started asking me to sit next to him and then he practically sits on me so we are working on boundaries. He wants to sit next to me and talk. HUGE! He was telling me all about his clock as we sat there. He told me all of the things that he likes about it and how he likes helicopters and that the reason that he likes them is because “how they work”. He has never given me a reason like that before, it has always been because “they spin” or “they make noise”. Then, during a moment of pause, he turned to me looked me straight in the eyes and asked: “What do you like mommy?” And then he listened and asked me questions about it. He wasn’t just following a script, he really wanted to know.

It was a great moment.

I have a lot to process in my life right now and as I am processing I do/say things that seem to contradict each other. A major one is working out and baking. I love to do both. I do make some healthy treats, but to be honest I do enjoy making sweet, tasty baking delights that make people smile and get them on a sugar high. Not the kids of course, but other people. I do share the treats with the kids and they get so happy and surprised that they can “have a cookie for a snack!”. I do enjoy making things with the kids. They love to help me and we learn measurements and chemistry in the process. I cannot really think of anything else to write about at the moment. I think I just needed to get some things out so I could process some more things.

I will leave with some photos of some gluten-free delights and who knows what other pictures will show up.

There are some Lego Dragons, school shots, raspberry oatmeal muffins, peanut butter/banana/oatmeal bread (I will not eat! Two things I dislike very much peanut butter and banana.), lemon cookies, granola bars and bread…I think those are the only pictures I put on of food. I tend to bake a lot and not eat any of it. I will freeze them for a later date for when I have a sweet tooth. It’s the process of baking that helps me not the eating it. Besides sweet things are good…in moderation. The same goes for working out. Moderation, right?

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Yet I do not fully understand the way they are used.

I enjoy discovering new words and their meanings. I enjoy, the way words look to me. They can be quite playful or be triggers. Since I recently shared how one word was a trigger, the word “soon”, let me tell you what happens when they are no longer a trigger. They become a game, a pleasant joke to my memory. Now every time I see the word “soon”, I laugh. He smiles and waves and says “See you got me all wrong”. That is what words do with me. They are alive like numbers. They have colors and move and they wink and make me giggle.

I have many words that tickle my insides.

They can also hurt like daggers or fill me with unmeasurable joy. Mostly they make me happy. No words hurt for long once I figure out why they hurt, then they become my friend and useful for good. I like to write poems playing with words. Especially, when I am researching or learning something new. It helps me relate and fuse what I am learning to my mind, such as one of my recent poems titled “Stumbled”. I titled it purposefully wrong.

It is all about harmony and destiny so to speak.

As you read it, it is clear that it is all a mishap of what is seen as yin yang happening. Discovering your perfect zen by accident. I liked using the word karma because most people do not know the accurate meaning. Karma means “action” or “deed”, what I have read recently is that it is not about good or bad it is about choices. The choices we make now will affect us later in life and if you believe in rebirth, then it will affect that as well. That is a very simple way to explain it. To use it in a playful way as I did in my poem is exactly what I meant. To poke fun at how little and how much control we have over our lives. I am not sure how I feel about any of the words I used in the poem I was just playing with their definitions.

I do this often in my poems because words are playing with me.

I enjoy our playing and bantering together. I will most likely not reveal anymore of what is behind my poems or writings any longer because they no longer mean the same thing as they did last week or yesterday even. Some of them, however have been created into echoes that will live for eternity in the pleasantries of my mind. Others the hard ones will be reminders of how dark times turned to good and helped to create the lovely ones. I have found my peace with words and understanding how people use them differently than I do.

If I do not understand I will ask and that is the end of it.

You may see more of my playful word use. You have been warned. I have some pictures of my books as a child, most of them are actually mine. We did find almost the complete set that I had of the Dandelion Library, I think I still had four or five of mine from when I was a kid. The others are from when I was a child, you can see I took pretty good care of them. They are set up exactly as I had them in my room as a child and growing up.

The Mathemagic and The Magic of Words were my constant companions.

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I was still on guard though.

I have not been able to go places and just enjoy myself. I have had to keep target eyes on all of my wandering children but Daniel especially. Yesterday, I was given the opportunity to just wander myself. David actually went with us which is unusual, but he felt that he needed to spend time with the kids. They were very happy about that and I was happy because my mom and David watched the kids for me while I got to do my thing. I was able to walk in the sand, gather shells and go off in my own world exploring their shapes, colors, textures and sizes. I was able to enjoy the sky and take pictures without having to hurry up and get back to the kids. I could stare at trees and get sucked in a bit.

I was able to find a peace that I have not had in a very long time.

In the past few weeks a lot of things have been realized for me. One thing is how I thought that I was ok. I thought I was getting enough time to think through my thoughts or stim. It became very clear that I have not had a break since the kids have been born. I had no help when they were first-born, David tried to help as much as he could, but he still had to work. It wasn’t until about two years ago that David was even able to be alone with the kids for several hours. It was too much for him. If I went to the store or out for tea with my friend, I was worrying the entire time. Then when I came home he would download all of the problems of the night. This made it worse for me; I had guilt and felt like I was the only one who could handle everything going on.

Since we have moved here, my mom has helped in many ways.

Still my mom is an Aspie that very much lives in solitude. She is a great Grammy don’t get me wrong, but it has to be on her terms and time frame. I have been thinking a lot lately about how fuzzy my brain feels. I have seemed to hit a wall in my coping mechanisms. I have realized that instead of actually dealing with my loops, I silenced them with information consumption that would cause me to get sidetracked and stop the loops. It never actually addressed the cause for the loops. I haven’t been able to deal with anything because I am always listening to everyone else and helping them. Also because I have overwhelmed so many people with my thoughts or feelings that I kept quiet. All the times that David and I have talked through things, I have had moments of revelation but then it would turn to helping David with his stuff. We both had this realization this week.

He is an “ideas” person so he just downloads all of kinds of ideas on me.

He will overwhelm me, he knows this but he can’t seem to stop himself. I cannot deal with a whole bunch of ideas with no resolution. My mind goes into a desperate need to find answers for the ideas, David finds answers in the ideas themselves. I take it all in and shutdown. I feel bombarded and like I need to help him get his balance back. When he gets thrown like that he cannot work or function so I have to get him to be ok. My mom downloads on me as well. I am not complaining about any of this, it is fine as long as I get my time as well. What all of us are seeing is that I am not. I have not. I am here for the kids, I am here for David and I am here for my mom but I have not been heard. I have not been able to function properly and I have a lot of stuff bottled up in me.

I have forgotten so much of me that I feel happy and sad at the same time.

I have this visual, I have described my mind as having just rows and rows of file cabinets, and each one is full of file folders. All of the file folders are categorized and labeled accordingly. Here is what has happened, all of my file cabinets have been opened, thrown all around and each file folder has been tossed about and scrambled everywhere. It is like someone went in and just started tossing everything everywhere and I get overwhelmed by the mess. I start to pick up a file folder with a label only to discover that it has papers and information that belong in another file clear on the other side of my brain. Does any of this make sense?

Anyway, while at the beach I found such peace in my mind.

I enjoyed being consumed by the details of the shells and the feel of the sand. The sand was perfect because it was dry and flaky and did not stick to me. I hate it when sand sticks to me. The clouds brought me comfort and the water soothed my ears. I want to find that in my mind often. I am slowly putting things back where they belong this time around. In the past I have rushed to get things back so that I would not feel the chaos and confusion. I needed to get my issues back in their folders so that I could be there for others. I think this time around I would like to deal with it head on instead of running. I think I would like to truly discover who I am and where I have conformed without my knowledge. I am pretty excited about this realization and where it will take me.

In the mean time I will find some peace in my shells, trees and sky.

Aimee Mullins: The opportunity of adversity

We have always been close in the area too, this time we were going to be a bid farther.

If anything were to happen it would have taken us a while to get to them. I am not a helicopter mom, this is the reality of our life. We are limited in relationships, family, and in people who understand how to take care of the needs of our children. Anyway, I had that running through my head, plus the whole intimidation factor that I feel when I am around a bunch of people who seem as though they have more knowledge or authority than myself. The symposium is open to the public but it is largely for continual education in various fields, like ABA therapy, psychiatry, occupational therapists etc… Since I am just a renegade mom trying to help her child, I feel like I am going to be condemned by the medical community or feel inadequate to speak about what knowledge I do have.

I consume a lot of information but I never seem to feel like I “know” enough.

In order to help myself with this, I research before I go to anything like that. I try to make sure that I understand what they are talking about and write down questions that I may have ahead of time so that I will not get side tracked. I have found that if I research and write down focal points for myself, it is easier to process the information coming at me. I also go over every social situation I can think of and have a scripts running through my mind, just in case I talk to someone. I had done everything I could ahead of time to try to make it smooth in the morning but then I forgot all of the other things that I needed to do. I made breakfast, then realized that I had not packed the kids lunches and snacks, (I thought I already had done that) I needed to make a list of foods and how much Daniel could have. I had to get the kids dressed, but I needed to get ready. So I had a minny meltdown when David came downstairs and he had no idea what was going on, because I never told him what I needed help with.

I assumed that he knew what needed to be done, I forgot he cannot read my mind.

I started to have a panic attack. My heart rate went up, I started to sweat and to hyperventilate as I was running across the living room to get ready. David was telling me “it’s ok, we are not late, everything is fine”. I was also talking to myself saying “It’s ok, it’s ok, you are ok” as I kept counting to 10. Finally, I calmed down this happened twice, but with the help of David and my self-help, I was able to stop from going into full-blown panic. The drive was good and it gave me time to calm down and prepare but I was really out of it. When we got there I got lost again, last year I got lost and it put me into a full-blown panic attack and I almost went home. There is something about the complex that I cannot remember the directions, they have two signs with the same street name and I couldn’t remember the markers. I was starting to get very upset because it just doesn’t make sense for me not to remember. Why couldn’t I remember!!

We found it, we were early and it was all good.

David told me not to get upset with myself because he got confused too. I was still a bit frustrated since I had been there before but my mind was off from the anxiety. We went in and registered and then I saw my friend who coordinates the event and I had a moment of relief. She came and talked to us for a few minutes and took us into the event room. It’s huge and I was pummeled with fluorescent lights and their buzz, but I noticed the chairs. I asked her if they were new chairs and indeed they were new chairs. Last year they were light blue and they had a glare, this year they were navy blue, they seemed to stop the bouncing fluorescent lights from going all over the room. I was happy about that because last year the chairs were bothering me very much. We sat down in a good spot and people began to sit down as well. As there were people sitting down at our table, I felt this need to talk to them but I had no words. I couldn’t even say hi and no eye contact. Then a very nice lady sat down between me and one of the other women, she started a conversation with the other woman.

I was curled up in my little personal space ball, looking down studying the papers from the packet.

I curl up like that a lot in social situations because I will start to get chills and in a way I feel protected. The woman said “Hi, I am Tina, what is your name and why are you here, continual education?” Well there were a lot of questions, I kind of stared blankly for, what felt like a year. Then my mouth took over before my mind and since she asked why I was there, the flood gates opened and I couldn’t stop the words from flowing. I went into my whole  “I have anxiety” spiel, I tend to do this when I am nervous. Then I went into my autism spiel.  I do not know why I do this, but I will just download information without even realizing what I am doing. I can’t stop myself, somehow the information just comes out before I have time to think. Then I feel foolish, but I have done it so many times now that I just have to shrug my shoulders at myself. It allows me the freedom to talk. It opened up her talking about her adult daughter who is currently living at home and she is concerned about.

I shared some things that she felt was very beneficial, so I feel like I was supposed to share.

In the middle of our conversation though, I noticed the other woman who was sitting there and I had not addressed her at all. I interrupted what I was saying and said “I am sorry, I didn’t ask your name. What is your name and why are you here?” I realized that this was the wrong time only after but everyone was fine with that. She was a wonderful woman who just moved in town, she was originally from Japan. (Our prayers and thoughts go out to all of those affected by the recent disasters.) She worked with autistic children in Japan with a main emphasis on social skills. She said that they were about 3-5 years behind in working in this area with children on the autism spectrum. I was doing very well with both of the women, staring at their foreheads and blurring their eyebrows so they thought I was making eye contact. Then somehow I got David involved, I tend to do that when I no longer know what to say or I am just tired of talking.

We tag team during social events.

As he spoke another couple came in and sat down, they had kind of negative energy from the get go, but I figured that she was about 7-8 months pregnant.  I think most women are kind of cranky during that time, especially if they have to sit all day in an event that they may not be that interested in. David was sharing about how scripts help us and our children and that we try to make as many social scripts as possible to help avoid the social anxiety that I can have. Then the woman passed a note to her husband and did an eye roll at David. What was that? I don’t know but we went on and then they started to introduce the speakers. Earlier, my friend had warned me that they were doing a buffet instead of packed lunches, I panicked for a moment. I hate buffets! All I needed to know was the flow, just tell me how it will go and I will work out the other details, of keeping my distance from others, not freaking out because I do not know who or what has touched the open food, and the many hands touching the plastic utensils, I could go on but I will stop there.

Later, as we filed into the  buffet line, I noticed in the corner of my eye that the pregnant couple was behind us.

I thought that she may be starving and tired so I turned around and offered for them to go ahead, she declined but thanked me. I remember what it felt like to be pregnant and having to sit for long periods of time and also needing food. My gesture seemed to change their attitude toward us because the rest of the day she was very kind and tried to talk, but I was so overloaded by the afternoon that I wasn’t the best with my acting skills. I kept trying though. The murmur of all of those people, their smells, the food smells, the coffee smells, the microphones having different volumes, the clapping, everything was starting to take over my senses. By the third talk, the words he was saying started to sound like a foreign language and wouldn’t make any sense. The last speaker was the worst with that because she spoke very fast and I could not read her lips. BUT I still managed to be nice to people and keep very small, small talk. I was also able to retain more information than I thought I had.

I had a positive reaction from the first woman I spoke with, when I told her about my anxiety.

I shared with her and the other woman, during the beginning of our conversations “Right now I am fine, I can talk and have no problems because this is a topic that I like. My anxiety will not kick in until after we leave and it can last for days.” She had no idea that could happen. She told me “Well do not have anxiety when you leave here, everything is fine”. That actually helped a lot. I begin to have anxiety before I do something, but while I am doing it I feel fine, in fact I will think that it is going very well and I will feel good. After the certain something, my mind starts to go over every detail and repeats every word I said or what other people have said and then comes the anxiety. I am fully capable of forcing myself to go and do things, I try new things, I do not have a phobia or fear of people or trying something. It seems that I have so many “bad scripts” that I am full of anxiety, mainly it is that I do not know how to read people. Body language is new to me, I had no idea any of that was going on so I do not have scripts for that, yet.

I understand that my brain is causing anxiety, I am not wrong for having these feelings, but they do get on my nerves.

I am excited to have a very positive script from this year, since last year I gained a negative script because I had a panic attack, got lost, and I almost went home. I did manage to talk to a couple of people but I did not have anyone with me to tell me if it was positive or not. This year was much better, except I forgot to say good-bye to people. I was so overloaded that I no longer saw people, we just left and then I felt horrible for not saying good-bye. David reassured me that they would be ok, they are adults and it is fine, I still felt bad. I know that the goal is to keep trying to get more positive experiences. I know that it is not my doing that I have anxiety. I actually try to do everything I can to stop it. I try to keep myself in peace as much as possible. However, during this time I  my sister coming the next week and I was excited and anxious, which makes it harder for my anxiety to calm sooner. I had prepared for the kids to have their own form of anxiety meltdowns as well. Even though they love being with Grammy and everything went perfect the entire day, the next day was rough.

That was expected.

The kids were not used to being away from us that long, they were not sure when exactly we were coming back. The anticipation got all the brain chemicals flowing. We were all exhausted from the social exposure, we went to bed at 8pm two nights in a row. My mom was still recovering several days later because she is not used to that either. We were all off for a few days, but then the time change sent us for a loop. I forgot all about it. We were all doing well but it was a lot of change that week and a lot of anticipation. Overall it was a great day and very much worth it for everyone. We will all be better equipped the next time. I now have scripts stored to help the kids and myself. It went much better also because I was able to talk to David on the drive home and both of us were able to process the information with no interruptions.

I was excited to actually see some of my acting skills and my mirror neurons working well, I gained some positive scripts to add to my “brain files”.

I found her post quite helpful actually.

I would post it but she would consider me one those “creepy lurkers” because I have not left a comment on her post before. My reasons for not commenting on many posts that I read comes from anxiety, I am not a “creepy lurker”. I don’t think…..   When I read her definitions, I thought ‘oh, these are good to remember” the problem is, I won’t. I am one of those people who has to ask if we are friends. I never know. I am the person who is unsure if her family really wants to talk to her. I have some sort of disconnect when it comes to relationships. Even though intellectually I understand that my family loves me, I have never felt like I belonged or that they necessarily like me. At times when I have gone long periods without talking to family members, I have assumed that they no longer love me and they no longer have a desire to have contact with me.

I am then surprised to receive a phone call or card in the mail with them telling me that they love me or miss me.

I have lost friends because of my inability to understand that we are friends. I remember one time, I had a girl from church over and we were talking and hanging out, at some point she said that I was her best friend. I knew that we talked a lot, we hung out at church and outside of church but I had no idea that we were friends, let alone best friends. I do not have  a clear definition of friendship in my mind. I know how I like to be a friend and that is by helping others. I will be there for whatever they need. If they are moving, need a ride, need help financially, cleaning their house, going to new places (for them), you name it I am pretty much there for whatever. If they let me know and I am able. I don’t expect anything from friends. In my mind, if we have emailed we are good. If I see them once in a while we are good. My main problem is not knowing where I stand with people. If you don’t like me, fine, I am good with that, just let me know. If you do like me, great, just let me know. I have anxiety about the not knowing.

I have noticed that I have kind of a detachment.

I have several friends that live in different states that I have known for years, decades and I will not contact them at all. If they call me or email me it is like we are in the exact same place as we were from the last time we had contact. In my mind they are on pause. Our interactions may be a little odd at first but they quickly jump right into the same place as well. In my mind, I left them in the same place, same time and same feelings. When I discover things about them that have changed,  I am shaken because I do not see how that could have happened. Then I will realize that 10 years have passed! After that I have to retrain my brain about the friendship. I have to go over everything because for me it is like meeting a new person. I will tell myself that we are friends, it’s ok that they have changed, I need to let things go, that was in the past, they are like a new person now, get to know them. I do the same thing with family. If I am in constant contact with the person I tend to do a lot better at understanding the relationship, but I will have clueless moments.

As I read the other blog about friendships, I felt so idiotic.

Why is it that I do not know if my family really cares about me or if I am really friends with someone? I am not beating myself up, I am seriously wondering about it. I know at times I feel disconnected to my kids, not to the point that I don’t love them or take care of them, but I will question if they even like me. Do they even want me as a mom? I will ask David and he of course tells me yes, they love me , yes they want me as a mom. I have many times asked David if he is going to leave me, not out of fear or insecurity but because I feel that disconnect and think that he feels it too. He doesn’t, it’s me and he has no intentions of leaving me. I also think I do that to prepare, since I have had people cut me off for what seemed like no reason what so ever, I learned to prepare for those things or do it myself before some one can hurt me.

My inability to read relationships has caused me to over-analyze .

I think one reason I now over-analyze relationships is because in the past I have been tricked by people pretending to be my friend or I have been in abusive relationships without understanding that I was being abused. There are only a few people in my life that I know will not reject me but still I think about those relationships and have those feelings that at any minute they are just going to stop loving me or liking me. It seems so silly to be an adult and not be able to understand what friendship is or to even question who is my friend. Or if my family really even notices if I am around or not. It is very hard to explain but when I think about family members who live far away, I feel like they don’t think about me.

I feel like I do not exist.

I do not say that in a way that is beckoning for sympathy, it is like a calm understanding and I find it ok. I am fine once I come to the conclusion that I do not exist in their world but then when they contact me I get all shaken up again with emotions. I try to understand my role. I have shared before with some of my family my feelings about this and they tell that it is not true. I believe them but there is no better way to describe it other than saying I have a disconnect. As hard as I try to believe it, feel it, understand it, I still feel a void. In the past this void has caused me to become friends with anyone and continue abusive relationships because of my lack of understanding. I am not sure if I was able to articulate all of this properly, I hope I did. I do not know if others feel this way, it would be nice to know if they do.

So if you have any understanding  or can relate to what I am talking about please comment!

I have been observing changes in our kids for the past several months.

They no longer want to go. At first it was good for them and they liked it. I have been confused by their behavior when they are in class, when we leave, and by them not wanting to go as often as they used to. A couple of weeks ago I was in children’s class, Ariel and Joshua did not want to go, Daniel did and went with me. He was trying so hard to participate and play with kids. However, we are in a movie theater, the elementary students are on the next level in the same theater and it is LOUD! He got past the toys all dumped out on the floor in piles, the noise, the other kids, the TV on, the elementary kids playing X-Box and went to go sing songs. When the video came on he went into panic and asked “Why is it that songs?”

They changed the DVD that they had been using for the past six months.

They had seemed to have lost it, Daniel couldn’t stay, it was the last straw. Even though he knew those songs they were not the ones that I was playing in the car on the way there, they were not the ones that they have been using every week for the past um…forever in his mind and he was done. I took him out in the hallway and asked him if he could go back in after the songs, he said “No, I can’t. It’s too loud.” My mom took him to her house until I was finished with class. After that I decided to wait for the best opportunity to ask Ariel and Joshua why they did not want to go to church anymore. I discovered from Ariel that all of the toys dumped out makes her dizzy. There are certain toys that are too loud that make her stomach hurt. All of the kids talking at once makes her stomach hurt and her head hurt.

She wants to play with the other kids but she can’t because now she gets a stomach ache even before we go.

Joshua agreed with everything she said and they added that the music is too loud so when they get home they are overloaded and act all wild. It’s true they do act all wild and I didn’t really know why. I thought it was those things but I kept thinking in the back of my mind the more exposure they have the better it will get. This is not the case for my guys, they seem to be getting anxiety about all the sensory issues they will have before even going. I still was thinking that maybe if they just kept going that it will all be better but today I read this Including Persons with Autism in the Life of Church . As I read the section  “Develop a User-Friendly Classroom”, I realized that everything they have mentioned to do, is how we have our home set up and it is the exact opposite at church. Everything they suggest our church does the opposite. It is not their fault, being limited in time and space causes the situation to be enhanced.

A movie theater really isn’t the best option for those on the spectrum anyway.

It worked in the beginning, it was actually great. I couldn’t figure out why we were starting to have problems but now I get it. Before they had limited toys, clutter, kids and noise. Now that the church has grown, the piles of toys have grown, the number of children have grown, the different teachers have grown, the sound level has increased and it has become a sensory nightmare. I should know this because every time I serve in there, even though I enjoy it, I am unable to function when I get home. I have to just sit and watch TV because I can’t really do anything else. It takes everything I have to make lunch and dinner so the kids and I have to make it a movie day. If they go with me than they are usually doing their own stim.

Now we are left with having to make a decision.

I have thought about bringing them after music time, when all of the toys are cleaned up and they do the story and craft but I am not sure it will work. They are all pretty set on the script and if they are not there for the beginning then that could turn into another whole anxiety issue. I don’t know, I am torn. Part of me feels like we have to keep going, part of me knows that it is just not going to work, part of me thinks it really doesn’t matter either way because we haven’t really connected to people and at this point in time we are not going to, but then I feel guilty.

None of the kids will wear ear plugs or head phones.

We have tried the weighted vest in class, I’ve tried a sensory diet in the morning before going, going over the schedule, speaking to the children’s pastor, sending a detailed email about his behaviors to help him if he is having problems. I didn’t realize that Ariel and Joshua were being affected just as much. The teachers are not able to help Daniel during class in that short of time, how can they help our other two kids?

I am just feeling quite discouraged and frustrated, at this point I don’t know what is the best thing to do.

After we got the medicine in him, David was holding him (deep pressure love) and he laid with David quietly.

They were laying on the floor watching me, Ariel and Joshua play, he said “I love you Daddy”. He said it in his sweet, soft voice and I wasn’t sure if I had heard him right. I asked him what he said again “I love you Daddy”. YES! That was the first time ever he had said that to David. The moment brought tears to our eyes. It may be rough at times and it may take a lot of energy but man I love it when he surprises us like that! He has still been kind of um…not so fun today, but he did start taking his vitamins whole for me and I no longer have to cut them into small pieces, I’ll take that.

I am happy to say that even though it has been rough, I am still at peace.

I may not be able to think very well, my mind is all fuzzy, but I haven’t gone into complete overload or shut down mode. Hopefully, Daniel will feel better. We are all feeling off because we just got a warm front come in and there is pollen everywhere which causes us sinus problems. At least it’s sunny, I will be thankful for that, along with the other things.

I felt like in order for me to understand my faith that I needed to go to church.

One morning I felt led to turn on the radio, I flipped through the channels and at the end of some sermon, which I had missed completely; the preacher went into how to accept Jesus into your heart. I fell to my knees and just felt like that was what I needed to do. I sobbed for an hour, nothing in particular coming to mind, except for, I felt accepted. Accepted and at peace for the first time in my life. I became obsessive about learning the scriptures and studying all about what the Bible meant. I heard in my inner being, I guess that is the best way to describe it, to get baptized. No one told me this; I read it in the scriptures. I was baptized by my father at his church, that became mine too.

I had conflicting feelings the entire time I was there.

First of all, when I arrived the pastor of over 13 years just got removed because it was discovered that he and the secretary were having an affair. The youth pastor had just taken over as the interim and there were a lot of emotions flying that I didn’t know how to process. My dad was a church leader at the time, until my second sister got pregnant at the age of 15 years old. Everyone was forgiving, with very condemning comments when my first sister had gotten pregnant, but after my second sister did, well….it was too much. My dad stepped down. I quickly got involved and started serving in children’s ministry. My first husband would not go to church with me; he was Catholic and felt very uncomfortable in a Non-Denominational church. We had a lot more problems after I became a Christian and started studying. His family did not appreciate my history lessons about the Catholic Church and they did not like my many questions about their faith.

I wasn’t trying to be rude; I genuinely wanted to know about their faith and beliefs.

Eventually we came to terms that our marriage was not going to work no matter how much counseling we did, I was obsessed with my faith and he was not. We just couldn’t get past it. The church was very accepting of me during this time, because he was Catholic and they felt that his faith was wrong anyway. Those are not my views, that was what the church felt. I was beyond devastated. The Christian faith made it clear that divorce was wrong; I personally never wanted to get a divorce because of my family history of multiple divorces and the pain that it causes. I felt like a failure and a horrible Christian. I carried the burden of him getting a divorce because he was Catholic and no one in his family had gotten divorces, there was just a lot.

The church made it clear that it was ok because they felt that he had abandoned me.

They needed that to make it ok. The children at church never even knew I was married because I was always alone so they had no problem with me to continue serving. I then found my second husband, whom I despised from day one. I never liked him, I thought he was a fake and a phony and I told him so. A lot. I went against my gut and I listened to all of the church people tell me that he was such a great guy, “he is so spiritual”, a “real man of God” and so and so on. I knew that he lied to me while we were dating and I called him on it every time. He would ask me “How do you know this stuff?”  I wish I would have listened to my feelings that told me to get away from him. I will give you one example of how I feel God was trying to make it very clear that I was right in my judgment, but did not trust it.

It was New Years Eve weekend and he had made plans to go to his hometown.

I begged him not to go. I just knew something bad was going to happen. He told me “I have to go; it’s like the ending of my previous life. It’s symbolic.” He went and I was praying the second he got on the road. I was up all night, that New Years Eve, I wrote it all down in my prayer journal. I saw like a vision of what he was doing throughout the evening. When he came back, I told him that I knew he had cheated on me and that I saw all of the things he had done. He claimed that they did not happen and that I made it up. I described the girl. He still denied it. After a few months he did something similar and the same thing happened though I did not see him cheat but I did see him with a girl.

He finally broke down, confessed all.

I had been right about everything. I then felt like it wasn’t about me, it was about him and God. I led him into prayer and he rededicated is life to Christ. Then after that he asked me to marry him. I said I don’t know. Later that day I was working alone, my heart was broken because I had been right and I didn’t know what to do. I heard my name being called, like in the air and I looked up. I saw like a vision  and I heard, “I would not give you someone who would hurt you.”(Not audibly, it’s hard to explain) I understood what that meant because after all of my failed relationships (with the exception of my first husband), the common thread was they lied, they cheated, and they did drugs, and was abusive to some extent. I ran to my ex and told him what had happened and I told him how I felt like that meant we were not to be together.

He said “No, I think that means that before, if I did not rededicate to Christ. Now that I have changed you know I won’t hurt you.”

I was very confused, I talked to my Christian friends and they all said what he had said. I assumed that I was wrong. I thought “Well maybe it is possible that he was the wrong guy before but now that he has accepted Jesus, maybe he is the right guy.” I didn’t trust my gut with my first marriage and I didn’t with my second. In my first marriage I made the decision based on never wanting a divorce. Since he was Catholic, I really believed we would never get a divorce. The difference about him and my second ex-husband was that I genuinely liked him as a person. He is now remarried and very happy and I was so happy to discover that. My second husband I married because everyone else told that he was right for me and since I couldn’t trust my judgment on relationships, I believed them.

Our marriage was built upon distrust and my overall dislike for him as a person.

More to come….

Personal Note: When I talk of hearing voices or seeing visions, I am not really sure how to explain it properly. It could be a variety of things going on. I have intense dreams as well that have given me clear direction, so scientifically it could be my brain telling me the right thing to do. Spiritually it could be how I experience God.  I have gone over mental reasons and do not fall under the criteria for any of the mental disorders that I have read. For me I am comfortable with both the reasons being science and God.

I believe I had an encounter that opened my eyes and began to show me that I had value.

By the time I met David, I had written off men and decided I would devote myself to Jesus. I devoted my life to doing what I felt Jesus wanted me to do, tell others how much He loves them. I still do that I believe God does love people and our mission on earth is to spread that love through letting others know they are valued. We all have gifts and talents that should be shared. We all need to know that we should be cared for, recognized, cherished for who were are. Not religion, not others interpretation of who God is and how you should live, just acceptance where you are for who you are and build into to you so that you can succeed in being the best unique you. Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off.

I met David which is a very long story that will have to wait.

He has been the best person to come into my life. I know God placed him in my life because he has loved me with no games. He has been everything that I have needed to overcome past pains. He has helped me to help myself. He has built into to me and encouraged me. He has brought me hope and not only told me that I am valued, he has valued me. We are open and honest with each other. We say what we mean and sometimes we hurt each other without meaning to but we discuss it. We talk. We share. We wrestle with the issues of our faith, the inconsistencies, the personal struggles, we work together to build into our children.

We also hardly leave our house, have limited friends, and keep a fortress of solitude.

We are two people with Aspie traits that just so happen to have enough of the same obsessions along with enough differences to challenge each other constantly. David works from home and I stay home with the kids. We like our life like this. We have to push ourselves to get out because otherwise we would never see anyone and be perfectly happy with that. Well we do like to  socialize but it takes so much out of us, we know that we have to for ourselves and especially our kids. We want to help them be able to be around people and have fun. Our kids have helped us to be more social. We all work together to help each other.

I say all of that to say it is not ok for people to be treated the way I was.

It is not ok for any person to go through a lot of what I went through but I do not know the major effects it can have on people who are on the autism spectrum. Abuse is not ok. People with autism and on the spectrum need people to be aware for them. We have got to watch out for abuse. I have been very protective of Daniel because he is still unable to tell me if someone has harmed him. He is just beginning to tell me when he has been hurt but still has a hard time telling me where and how. We have got to stay alert and on top of the way people treat those who are different, those who are unable to recognize abuse.

I would like to know how these kinds of situations effect other people on the spectrum.

I feel that several of things I have mentioned may seem quite silly, if I listed all of the things that were done to me I am positive people would think me crazy. However, for me these things were devastating. The situations caused me a lot of pain and suffering. I don’t think I am the only one and that is why I am writing this. I believe that it is both therapeutic for me and others to know that these things are not ok. No one should ever be treated this way and no one should feel like they deserve it. I am thankful to have David who helped me to understand that these things are wrong. If it wasn’t for him walking me through and building into me, I would still feel as though I deserved to be treated poorly by others. I have accepted this from people I dated, people I worked with, people I went to school with, people I went to church with over and over, I have accepted bullying and abuse as my fault. The majority of the time I didn’t even know it was abuse or bullying.

I know this is a long post and I hope you made it through without being terribly bored!

Here are some resources.

http://www.scn.org/autistics/abuse.html

http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/relationships/abuse.html

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2

http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/commonproblems/Child_Abuse.html