06/5/13

That Did NOT Go As Planned …

I have concluded that something, for some reason, is trying to teach me a lesson in things not going my way. Granted I have managed to progress in this area fairly well, most days. After having children you really, do not have a choice other than learned to accept this fact of nature. HOWEVER, things have not been going as planned for over a week if not longer – I can no longer remember because my allergies have messed up any sense of time that I had which was already very little to begin with.

There has been problem after problem with the house that we are renting.

This has caused people to be in and out of our home and property for days. This is never good. It makes me incredibly anxious and left with feeling constantly “invaded.” I have to put in extra effort to work through my anxieties because the children, especially Daniel feed off my emotions. I have not been “perfect mom” throughout all of this. I am also feeling frustrated because I have not completed several things I set out to before Ariel starts her gymnastics camp next week. The week after Joshua starts his basketball camp and that will be two weeks of us being at the Y for three hours every day. Not to mention my two workout nights. A lot of people time …

We will all need to recover from that.

I have so many posts that I have been trying to write that I just cannot complete. I want to finish them so I will stop looping about them. My mind is not cooperating and I find it very frustrating. However, today I was hopeful with the plans that I had made. Last Saturday, while swimming at the Y with the kids, I noticed a woman who looked familiar. My brain was scanning her features kind of like the Terminator does, well actually that is quite an accurate way to describe how I process information around me, especially faces. Here take a look Terminator view.

Anyway, I was scanning her features and then, her children.

Her little boy started talking to Daniel, but he just smiled and giggled because he does not know how to have a conversation with other kids yet. Joshua swam over and started talking and playing with the boy. Soon Ariel ventured over as well. I thought to myself that possibly this was a relative of mine because I vaguely remembered pictures of the children. I have such a hard time remembering faces, more like remembering whom the faces belong to. I can remember features, but have no recollection of who they are or why I know them. Once she turned around, I knew her tattoo. I saw that and her facial features started to rekindle my memory. I had a feeling that we were cousins, but I was unsure.

Without thinking about it, I went up to her and asked, “Are we related?”

She said, ”I am not sure, what is your name?” I told her my name and sure enough, we are second cousins. She was unaware that I moved back so she was not sure it was me either. We only saw each other throughout the years at the big family reunion we would have during the summers, but it had been over 10 years since the last one and we barely spoke. As we talked, I discovered that she belonged to a home school group that I connected with, but have not been able to attend any of the social gatherings. This is partly due to my social anxiety, but mostly due to school schedule and the kids not being up for socializing. I normally, do pretty well overcoming my social anxieties for my kids, but when my world feels too chaotic for me I struggle.

I told her that I would friend her when we left and I did.

She added me to their group and this week they had planned to meet at a park that is across a bridge in the next state. It is not that far and I used to be familiar with the town. I decided that I would take the kids. It was today. Everything was going well, I printed out my map and maps for the kids. I packed everyone’s lunches and snacks, and had plenty of water. I worked through some of my social anxiety about meeting new people and my nervousness about how people would respond to Autism. (After I posted about it on my facebook page and my lovely friends helped ease my anxieties!) We were running a little late, but not too bad. I had prepared the kids by letting them know that we were going to a new place.

I gave them the time frame of how long it would take.

Funny side note here, Daniel saw the map and said, “Oh, my gosh! The park is in another state!” I looked at him and asked, “How do you know that?” He said, “I know because we are going to cross the river.” I had no idea that he knew that, but I really should not be surprised he has been studying maps lately and this week he started drawing maps of the routes he takes in the house. They are complete with “A” marking the starting point and “B” marking the destination. If anyone comes over, he will be happy to give you a map to help guide you from the kitchen to the bathroom down the hall. Ha ha ha

OK! We left.

I followed the directions, I did everything right, but somehow I missed the exit. I was right there AND somehow I missed the exit ##B! I still have no idea how it happened. The state that we were in has land and land for miles. I decided that I needed to get off on an exit and turn around. Not as easy as it sounds, the exit I got off on spun me into a circle that had me going in another direction. The next exit was seven miles away. I thought surely it would let me turn around and get me back to where I needed to be.

I go off on the exit and it looked like nothing, but land and farms.

Thankfully, I finally got to a place where I could turn back onto the interstate in the correct direction. I will add another component. Daniel was freaking out! I tried to use my Google maps on my phone and it would not work. I tried using the app and the internet I could not get it to work. Daniel was yelling and telling me to use the phone. I tried to explain to him repeatedly that it was not working and he could not comprehend it. Prior to this, he was as happy as could be. I was elated because he actually got into the car knowing that it would take 22 minutes to get there. He has refused to go anywhere farther than, 15 minutes due to his car anxiety. He still will not eat or drink in the car because he is afraid that he will puke.

I called David like 20 times and he was not answering the phone.

I lost my cool after Daniel yelled at me again and caused Joshua to lose it. I finally made it to the town that I was supposed to be in and went to a gas station to try to get some sort of direction thing to work, or get a hold of David. It did not work – David finally answered the phone. To make this shorter, I was right down the street from the park. It was on the river. We got there, got out and I looked for my cousin. I did not see her. I had also, not noticed that in the post she mentioned that there was a splash park. :-/ I took the kids walking by the river because I did not see a park. Eventually, we found it not far at all. They played for a while and then, I let them play in the splash park in their clothes. We ended up having a grand time, though it got a little icky when the train passed by and blasted its horn. Daniel ended up becoming frightened and then, wanted to know why it had to use a horn.

On the way home, I was a frazzled and needed a break.

I became frustrated because of the whole situation trying to get there; getting lost makes me so upset. I recovered, we all recovered, had a great time and then the blasted train had to go and cause problems! I wanted to leave on a good note. The ride home was good though. We got home I gave them showers fed them snacks and we are all happy and jolly. Today DID NOT go as planned, but overall I am happy. The kids are happy. We have a great new place to go hang out now during the summer. And I found a bridge that I am slightly obsessed with. I love walking by the river that always makes me feel peace and fills me with positive childhood memories. I am going to try to take the kids to another social gathering with the home school group.

I am glad I did not become too anxious and decide never to try again, at least for the moment.

Photos from today!

[Show as slideshow]

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04/30/13

MindRetrofit Celebrates: 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013

Woot! It’s here! 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013! A great day of celebration and basking in the awesomeness of Autism.

Last year I contributed to the flash blog To “I Wish I Didn’t Have Asperger’s” #AutismPositivity2012 Flash Blog.

I remember feeling struck with heartbreak when I discovered that someone had put those words into a search engine. In my post, I shared some of the awesome things about Autism. I was excited to see what would happen this year’s flash blog. I was delighted to see that this year we were focusing on “1000 Ausome Things!” (Yes, I am using too many exclamation marks in this post because I am over-the-top excited, especially after reading so many of the positives that are rushing the internet.

However, my mind is in a spin and I am having a difficult time trying to articulate what I want to.

Because I enjoy words so much and one of my gifts is using them on multiple levels I am going to take the “Ausome” word for a moment and share with you what I am in “Awe” of in regards to Autism. I use the word in the terms “of an overwhelming feeling of reverence, admiration.” The first part that I share is about my son who is Autistic. There have been so many moments that Daniel has made me awestruck. He filled my mind with wonderment and excitement by his actions and/or questions. The way that his heart feels and how he sees joy in the most simple of things, such as a screwdriver. Who knew that a screwdriver could be such an entertaining toy! It does everything, from spinning to opening up clock radios. It can be used to write words in putty and for some great magnet experiments.

Daniel asks questions that stump me and I love that.

Only yesterday, without any indication that he has been thinking of this he looked at me and asked, “How can God hear us and we hear him if he is not here?” Good question. I did not want to get into a theological discussion with my eight year-old because he can dismantle my logic in seconds. However, I had to try. I could tell that he really needed some sort of resolution to the question. In my feeble attempt, I told him that God is like a spirit that lives within our hearts and that many times God does not speak to us directly, but through people, situations, or actions. He sat there staring, processing for several minutes. Then asked, “How can God fit into our hearts?”

Good point.

I tried my best to explain that he does not live in our heart like a little person, but that he is like air, in nature, in every part of being. That led to him asking, “Do we breathe God?” I had no good words other than, “I guess that would be a way to think of it.” I was in no mind frame to have the discussion. However, it made me think of all the times that Daniel has asked such questions. How do things work? Why do they work like that? Can we take it apart? Can we look at it on the internet? He wants to know every single detail and looks at the small things to connect the big things. His thoughts intrigue and amaze me. His kind spirit and deep emotions move me.

His laughter fills me with joy to the point that even now I have a little bit of tears filling my eyes.

He sees the world in music; he lives in this world in constant curiosity. (Much like his mother.) He stims in drumbeats and claps. He hums any tune he hears in an instant. He delights and squeals when he gets his favorite food. His enthusiasm is contagious on some days. Yes, those are some grand marvelous (Awe) “Ausome” things that I get to enjoy. I am ever challenged, but the type of parent that I am I think that is Ausome! Those are a few great things about my little boy. This second half, I am not really sure where I am going.

Let us see …

The first thing that comes to mind is that October 2012 I was “officially” diagnosed as an Aspergers adult. I had a lot to process – I still do. I found that finally having answers and a community that I could actually relate to made my soul feel a little more whole. What I have I found is many people who are caring, kind, open, honest, and understanding. These are many of my Autistic peers. They are some of the most talented and articulate people I have encountered. They share their lives openly (as much as you can on the web. ) I cherish all that they give and the many ways that they have helped me to understand my mom (an Aspergers adult), my son, and myself.

I have found parents who are just as compassionate and caring as well.

They work hard at being advocates and I am amazed at all their efforts. They shine of positivity. There are some days when I feel a bit down and unsure about many things, but I have been able to bounce back much sooner because of all the “Ausome” words that our community pours into the internet waves. I have a better self-image because of all the positives that my peers and our advocates share. Being able to find answers, relate to other’s stories, and share my own stories knowing that others will understand has boosted my self-esteem. I am able to see positives about myself that I could not see before. The voices that are out there sharing and focusing on the good have helped spring board me in many ways to much soul searching and healing.

To me that is HUGE “Autism Ausomeness!”

I believe that the foundation is being laid for my son. (And for my other two children.) My kids will see their “quirks and oddities” their “stims and unique ways of thinking and processing” as Ausome! They will see a mom who (finally) sees and accepts her own talents and gifts. As well as someone who does not think of being Autistic as a negative, but who embraces it and seeks to help others to see the positives too. I admit it can be a challenge, but that is why we need more people to build us up and focus on our positives. We thrive when people acknowledge, accept, and point out the good things about us.

Ending with a short list.

We see the world in unique and interesting ways.
We have great abilities to seek out and dissect details.
We are artists in whatever talents we have whether through poetry, painting, creating images, or in how we can write and share our ideas about math, science, animals or computers. (Obviously, a very limited list I shared here.)
We can keep our childlikeness that can be a very good for stressful situations.
We have some pretty entertaining (ingenious) thoughts and perspectives.
We can be some of the most loyal and best friends you could ever ask for.

I will stop at six, it is a good number. (And some of us may see numbers dance and leap about in wonderful colors!)

Oh, and words here are some of my dancing colorful words leaping about through poetry! Happy Ausome Day!

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04/29/13

1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013 Flashblog Announcement (Reblog)

1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013 Flashblog Announcement

We know you have been waiting… and we have been working and organizing behind the scenes. Now we are ready and we are excited to announce the theme for the second annual Autism Positivity Flashblog Postivity Flashblog Event on April 30th, 2013: “1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013″

AutismPositivity2013button

Last year hundreds of bloggers came together in a show of support and solidarity in response to an anonymous person’s Google search “I wish I didn’t have Aspergers”. The posts that came flooding in from all over the world were a beautiful example of the power of strength in numbers. With so much negativity still surrounding Autism and the misinformation and misconceptions that continue to abound, we invite each of you to share one, or two, or more “Ausome” things!

We invite all of you, anyone who is Autistic, anyone who has an Autistic person in their life and all who blog about autism to share a message of support, wisdom, hope, and pride to this year’s flashblog by posting tohttps://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dDdPQjAxV244VjdCcXdYX0pPQ0RBblE6MQ

Please join with us on the last day of Autism Acceptance Month – April 30th, 2013 – in a Flash Blog of Autism Positivity.

To participate:

1. Publish your post on April 30th in the following title format: “ [Your Blog] celebrates 1000 Ausome Things #AutismPositivity2013″

2. Share your post on Twitter, Facebook, and any other social media site using that hashtag (#AutismPositivity2013)

3. Add your link to the Autism Positivity website (submit here or above) and grab the badge from the page tab above.

4. Share/reblog this message to your blog, page, etc.

Thank you,

The Autism Positivity Project Flashblog Team, 2013

If you have any questions, please contact us at autismpositivity@gmail.com

We can also be found on

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/ThinkingAboutPerspectivesAutismPositivity

Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/positivityautie/autism-positivity-2012/

Tumblr: http://autismpositivity.tumblr.com/

Twitter: @PositivityAutie

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01/30/13

Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms”I

If you have read even a few of my posts, you probably noticed that relationships, social rules/situations, people, in general are my biggest hang up. I do not know why, but their actions, behaviors, and words, can cause me to spiral. It feels as though I lose my footing when all the sudden a person seems to be sporadic, chaotic, out-of-character, or they behave in a way that does not make sense to me.

I wish it were not the case, other Autistics may not have such extreme social issues as I do.

I know there was a period of time when I was not this confused, but I also did not have social media, or true revelation of how socially confused I was. I did have scripts that I could use; some of them were not good though. I learned many by trial and error. I do know that because I have been socially isolated in many ways for several years, it has caused me to lose some of my skills. Once I tried to step out socially again, I encountered many similar things as I did in middle school and high school. It caused me to gain a completely new set of anxieties, or possibly it rehashed those from adolescence.

I thought that period of my life was over.

What I discovered is that what happened during those adolescent years continues through adulthood. Insert, interesting read Why You Truly Never Leave High School.They may manifest in different ways, but they are still the same social situations. I do pretty well with virtual relationships for the most part. Unless, my “real” life social encounters have confused, hurt, or exhausted me. Many people in my real life seem to change suddenly and it throws me every time. While my recovery time is much quicker and my coping mechanics are healthier, it still happens.

However, I think that the main reason for this is my lack of identity.

My inability to come into fruition of my identity has led me to seek out others as my guide, seeking answers to who I am through them. This dysfunctional system is faulty, irrational, and is filled with detrimental beliefs that I am slowly discovering. I have made huge progress in this area in the last few months. I will still shut down and cut people off in order to protect myself. (potential rejection, cause me hurt, or confusion of some sort) I have discovered this past weekend I need to remove people from my life and it is ok. I can accept that certain people in my life do not intend to get to know me or have a relationship with me.

Several of these people are family.

I know that I may sound like a broken record with this, but I am really getting a grasp on why I have been hurt. I am finally accepting that I had been holding on in hopes that one day I would understand myself through those relationships. I kept thinking that one day, if I did enough or tried to figure it out we could have a relationship.

I thought that I would have that “A’ha! I finally get me!” moment.

I will never find the answers that I have been looking for through others. I will not have the relationships that my other family members have together. I can move on and know I have done nothing wrong it is ok. It is SO hard to accept this! These continual confusing social encounters have caused me to be so fearful of being social that I have gotten to the point of almost throwing up just thinking of ever seeing or talking to them again. The ridiculous thing is that they do not know, nor do they care that I have been affected like this.

This understanding has helped me to see my reasons for wanting to be alone many times throughout my life.

I knew that if I kept limited access to people in my life, or controlled who and when people were allowed in my life that I was not confused. I have expressed this before, but many times, I ended up in relationships because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I tried to make more friends because people told me I could not have only one friend.

My “one” friend would eventually grow tired of me, for various reasons.

One being I would not understand why they needed more than one friend. I understand this now. I thought I should have a boyfriend because the few girls I had as friends either had them, or were focused on having them. They also made me feel foolish for not having one. I did have crushes and wanted a boyfriend, but I did not want one at the same time, if that makes any sense. (I feel that way about all types relationships at times, because any type of relationship for me is a reminder of how inadequate I feel socially.) I did not want to think about it and I felt as though I was constantly forced to. I thought I should be more social because people told me that it was not “normal” to be myself.

“It is unhealthy.” Um… Susan Cain: The power of introverts

When I was unable to take anymore social stress, I would cut myself off completely. Several times in my life, this resorted in making moves to other states, so I could start over. In search of finding myself, I would get to a point of feeling so lonely that I desired someone in my life. It was normally during that vulnerable time that someone would “appear.”

I would somehow end up in the relationship.

Several times, I did not even like the person. Interestingly, people took the focus off “trying to find me someone” and I found that to be a relief. Because of that stress being lifted, I was willing to stay with a person. Just so, I would not have to hear “You need to find someone. You need to date. You need a husband. You need to have kids”

It was tiresome listening to people tell me that I needed a person.

I needed to date. I needed to “get out there.” I never wanted to do that. I did want to have children though. I wanted to find a person and be done for the rest of my life so I no longer had to think about it. I wanted someone that would be there, but that I enjoyed as well. I wanted what I envisioned as a best friend. A person that I shared many common interests with and that I could be attracted to. I find it difficult to be attracted to people as a whole. I was not optimistic of ever falling in love the way that the movies show it, or how books and poems express it, songs sang it, people told me about it…

I never thought it could happen for me.

I did not think I was capable of feeling that intense affection and I NEVER thought anyone would love me in that way. I did not have hopes for it, but I longed for it. I wanted it. I had hoped to feel it one day and my desire was to marry that person and live happily ever after. I think many people desire that, but I also think that it is an unrealistic expectation. I read this and it made a lot of sense. There’s No Such Thing as Everlasting Love (According to Science)

I am not so sure this type of love happens and lasts.

I do not know, maybe I have grown cynical. I do go back and forth in thinking that it is possible, but then, reasoning myself right out of it. I do spend too much time analyzing this topic – I have my many reasons. It has also been a special interest of mine since I was a child. None of the examples in my life have shown this type of love – although, many people have talked about it. I did not feel this in any of my marriages, the problem was that they thought they felt this way toward me, but I did not understand that.

I assumed that no one would feel that type of love toward me either. (abuse plays a role in that)

Insert, another interesting read Romantic love ‘lasts just a year.’ I thought to myself, How could they feel that way toward me? How could they love me when they do not know who I am? Quite honestly, I do not think they truly felt that way. I think they did for a while, but I also think they were intrigued by me because I was different from other women in their life. Intrigue and fascination is different than love. I have kept so much of my world hidden from people out of fear that very few have gotten a glimpse of who I am. Well, unless you read my blogs. I share a lot of me because that is how I process and it helps me to gain revelation of my identity.

I did not intend to hurt people I was in relationship with.

To be continued… Big Surprise! Breaking Social & Defying Relationship “Norms” II (It’s a three parter.)

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01/15/13

Green Day Made Him Cry – A Leaf Made Him Laugh

I believe I am feeling the effects of last week. Yesterday, it took all of my energy to do school. My body was shutting down on me, by the afternoon I could barely move. We did complete our school day. Monday’s are always full, but yesterday Daniel started his new OT lessons as well. Joshua has virtual class at 8am, and then, at 9:30am. Daniel started his OT at 10am and then, at 2pm speech therapy. Ariel has her gifted LA class at 12:30pm.

I cannot be sick.

It frustrates me even more when I know that I feeling this way not because of a virus or bacteria, but because of my sensory issues and social anxiety loops. I know I should not, but I do have lingering thoughts that others seem perfectly capable so why can’t I function in the midst of this stuff.

I do not think that way toward others; this self-acceptance thing is difficult for me.

Even though, I had no worries, or concerns about meeting a new OT therapist (especially, when it is virtually.) it is still change and adds a certain amount of anxiety. It went great. Daniel loves it and did a great job.

Yay!

However, the first 5 minutes was extremely stressful because, the Adobe add-in would not allow me to install. It started with Joshua’s class first thing in the morning; we could not get his mic to work. He was flustered. I was flustered; I thought I fixed it, but no. No need to go into details, I fixed it.

It did cause additional feelings of stress in me though.

I became overwhelmed with feeling guilty and like a failure because I was not going to be able to go to spin class. As I type this, it does seem rather illogical to feel guilty or like a failure because I was feeling bad and could not go to spin class. :-/

Still the thoughts were looming.

They manifested into other negative feelings that I am currently trying to get redirect at the moment. I am on edge because a person from the electric company is supposed to come today, between 10am and 2pm. I am not in the mood for any stranger to come into my house and look at everything. I do not have a choice.

It was planned without my knowledge.
So here, I am trying to pull myself together to start school for the day, using this post to redirect my thoughts, in order to get into a more positive place mentally. It brings me to the title of this post. Some stories I like to share because it gives some insight to who my boys are. (I have shared a lot about Ariel. I am sure I will again soon.) The other day I mentioned that Daniel was furious with me because I would not let him play with cotton balls.

He was seriously angry with me and was acting in ways that was not good.

I knew that he was not in meltdown mode since, he continued to try to upset me, then he would to stop, and watch my response. I will mention that this is actually a very good thing in that he is learning the things that come naturally to other kids. I will also say that how it is handled is very important.

So, I celebrate the developmental progress and teach him how to express it in ways that are more positive.

(That will take time.) David left for a while by the time he came back, Daniel was still not a happy camper. Daniel ran to the door acting upset. He was making it difficult for David to come into the house, when all the sudden Daniel started laughing.

He immediately snapped out of it.

Then, came back to the living room and remembered that he was angry with me so he acted angry again. However, his anger was mixed with laughter, this is when Ariel gave him some stuffing, and all was well with the world once again. Later, David asked me if I knew why Daniel was laughing. I did not. He brought me to the garage door and said, “While Daniel was upset he was messing with the door, and then he just started laughing.” He was building up to tell me what had caught Daniel’s attention to make him laugh, when I started laughing.

I said, “It was the leaf stuck to the tire!”

David shook his head and said, “I want to make clear that you knew before I said it that he was laughing at the leaf stuck to the tire.” I thought that was funny too. I thought the leaf was funny. I cannot tell you why. It sounds rather silly, but it was funny to Daniel and to me.

Last night, Daniel also voiced concern and sympathy for me.

He does show sympathy, but for him to voice it is new. I started to have sharp pains throughout my body. Most of it had settled by the evening, but when it was bed time and I went to get Daniel’s toothbrush I had a sharp pain hit in my temple. It spread around behind my eyes, and to the area around my ear. It knocked me to the floor. It lessoned and I got up to brush his teeth. However, the pain struck me again causing me to scream. I curled up on the chair, trying to keep brushing his teeth, but it was too painful. David ended up taking over for me and went to lie down.

As I laid there Daniel said, “I am sorry for your pain.”

We were not sure if he thought he had caused the pain, so David asked him, “Do you know that you did not cause the pain?” Daniel said, “Yes, I did not hurt mommy. I am sorry for her pain.” He gave me a hug before going off to bed, and said again, “I am sorry for your pain.” I took some ibuprofen and decided that I should go to bed early.

Interjection.

Before I went off to bed, I was still on the couch trying to muster the energy to brush my teeth. In walked David, he told me that Joshua was in bed sobbing uncontrollably. Well, my motherly instincts kicked in and I was almost to my feet and to the back of the house before he stopped me. He said, ‘Wait, I have to tell you why and then you can go back there and share this moment with him. It is something that you two can have a connection with”

He said that because Joshua is very much a daddy’s boy.

If given a choice on most days he would choose David over me. David proceeded to tell me that Joshua was holding his dog pillow light, sobbing in the dark because the song “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day was playing through his head and it made him feel sad. He said that the song made him feel happy too. Earlier in the evening, we had heard the song at the end of a Seinfeld episode. I said, “Oh, this song always makes me feel sad, but happy too.”

I went back to Joshua’s room; he was sitting up red faced with tears still pouring.

I hugged him and told him how I feel the same way about that song. I shared that every time I hear it on the radio it makes me tear-up and on some days cry. He said, “Really?” David and I shared with him how music affects us. We are very sensitive to music in this household. All of us in our own way.

I am so sensitive that many times I have been cautious with what I listen to.

I can feel the emotions and even adopt the feeling without realizing that I have done that. Next thing I know I am feeling emotions and I have no idea why. I then, have to filter through to try to figure what is me and what is not.

We explained to Joshua that it is a gift to be able to feel music as he does.

It helped him to know that music even makes daddy cry sometimes. Joshua is such a sensitive guy and we do not want him to ashamed of that. He can be just as easily insensitive if he is consumed with his Lego’s or some other sort of interest at the moment, but we want him to feel that it is ok to share his sensitive side. (We all hope to find our balance.) We want him to know that it is a good thing. We want him to feel confident in who he is. He is also feeling vulnerable from being sick last week, and for some reason he worries about being “the only one” who ever goes through this stuff.

I can relate.

After he was settled, I went to bed to have this conversation.

Daniel: I was not worried that you were going to die.”

(I did not hear him very well.)

Me: You were worried that I was going to die?

Daniel: No, I was NOT worried that you would die.

Me: Oh, well that is good. I will be fine.

Daniel: I am still sorry you had pain.

Me: Thank you, Daniel. That is nice.

Daniel: Yes, that is nice.

Me: Good night, I love you; I’ll see you in the morning.

Daniel: Good night, I love you too much; I’ll see you in the morning.

Man, this song stirs up all kinds of emotions for me.

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12/16/12

I Tried…

I was unaware of the events that took place in Newtown, Connecticut until after I posted and shared my last post. I had no idea anything had happened because I do not watch the news and I was doing school and writing my blog post so I was not online. After, I stopped crying over the horrific event my heart feeling as if it was being ripped out of my chest for everyone who was affected, I then had to stop the tears of pain from words and misperceptions about autism. Only to be rushed with my own fears of how people would be afraid of my son or me.

I went onto facebook the next day and shutdown from all of the awful things I was reading.

I went back to thinking this is not about me it is about a community that has had something so terrible happen that I cannot comprehend it at all. My heart hurts for them; I wish I had the right words, the right actions, the right something to help in such a traumatic and terrible event.

But I do not.

All I can do is say how sorry I am and that I will lift all you up in prayers, keep you and your loved ones in my thoughts, and hope that somehow someday you will find peace and comfort.

That is all I know to do at this moment.

I have tried to stay quiet. As much I as do not want to write about my life or me today, I feel that I must. I am seeing too many people operating out of fear and trying to place our world into black-and-white terms. Something that I find incredibly ironic. The pattern of our society when a tragedy like this arises is to jump into “group think.” The media outlets seem to have a great love doing this.

If It Bleeds, It Leads: Understanding Fear-Based Media

The media outlets not only thrive on this, but they help mold, conform, manipulate, dredge up fears to help us all fall in line to feed their ratings or jump their social media numbers. They bank on the fact that emotional responses will flare rage and fear because it keeps the news thriving. It keeps the facebook and twitter battles in an uproar. It gets trolls lurking in masses stirring up all sorts of chaos. It gets the bloggers blasting out in blog wars. All of this hype helps keep us distracted and focused on whatever the topic is for the day. (Newtown Rumors)

It infuriates me.

However, too much of our society loves to play. People like being angry, they like feeding their fears, they like having an enemy because when they do, when they find their “Beast” they forget about what is hurting them. They forget about what is going on in their lives. The truth be known many of them forget about the victims of such horrific events. They find an enemy or cause and begin to attack it without any thought whatsoever about those who are hurting or suffering. They objectify the situation and their fears and prejudices take on a new life.

I think it is a travesty.

I think it is destructive and does not help the healing process of those who desperately need as much loving and positive support as possible. Anger and hate fuel more anger and hate. Trying to make things into good or evil is not productive. We are all capable of good and we are all capable of doing evil acts. I cannot sit back and allow the fears of the unknown about autism or about mental illness, which by the way ARE NOT the same, become the enemy here.

That young man who did this vile act clearly had something wrong.

If he did in fact have autism/Aspergers, it was not the cause of his violence. Things that happened in his life could have contributed to his rage and sudden outburst of violence, but again, any person autistic or not is capable of the same acts if they reach that breaking point.

If you are unaware, I suggest you watch a few hours of Investigative Discovery.

To be honest I am not really sure what I want to say or what I am saying. I do know that my head is spinning and I cannot go onto facebook. I tried to go on there and my emotions have been from complete heartbreak to utter disbelief. I am so amazed at the lack of understanding and the plethora of ignorance about neurological issues.

I am more aware of the ignorance and prejudice about mental illness now.

I am shocked at just how much our society lacks acceptance or understanding about autism. I was disillusioned about autism awareness. I felt that we had progressed, but somehow I feel I have been fooled. I will say that I am thankful for CNN adding bits like this into some of their articles:

“But a national autism committee cautioned against speculating about a link between autism and violence.”

“Autism is not a mental health disorder — it is a neurodevelopmental disorder,” said the Autism Research Institute’s Autistic Global Initiative Project. “The eyes of the world are on this wrenching tragedy — with 1 in 88 now diagnosed, misinformation could easily trigger increased prejudice and misunderstanding.”

Although, it is very close to the bottom and I am sure not many people will read it since most people skim and skip to the parts they want to read.

I am thankful for this post on ABC NEWS Experts: No Link Between Asperger’s, Violence.

I feel much like this person right now Can I hide somewhere until it’s over?

I thought this was a good read Dehumanization of the Party and it’s Members in 1984.

I do want to say to the victims I am so sorry.

I do not know if any of them will ever come to my blog, but if anyone does know this, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will. My deepest sympathies go out to you. In my mind, I tried to stay quiet about the issues arising about the speculations regarding autism out of respect for your pain and suffering, but it has gotten too difficult and now the autism community has become victims of hateful words and misconceptions arising unnecessary fears. It now feels as if my child will be affected and that people could (will) wrongfully perceive him.

I hope that none of us lose perspective and that somehow awareness and understanding on multiple levels will happen from this situation.

I immediately, thought all of those children and adults who will now suffer from PTSD. They will need help. They will need to feel the freedom and ability to talk. They will need support and to be listened to. It will not be quick and easy.

It will take time and all of them should be allowed to heal in their own way.

There is so much I want to say, but yet again, I am shutting down because I am overwhelmed. I will leave resources in hopes that if anyone comes to this blog maybe, just maybe they will see something that helps them. I wrote a poem yesterday that I will share as well Thoughts of Healing.

Other resources.

Autism fact sheet

What Is Autism?

About PTSD

Dealing With Grief: Five Things NOT to Say and Five Things to Say In a Trauma Involving Children

After Sandy Hook: Why mental illness matters

Why Kids Kill Parents

Mental Illness Basics

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09/28/12

Come On! Enough With The “Lacking Empathy”

This may be considered a frazzlely mind dazzlely head spinning type of rant. I am not quite sure if my ramblings are cohesive or not. You have been warned.

In true Aspie (isc) form, I have been fixated on one particular thing that I watched last night. I was happily preparing Ariel and Joshua’s lessons and setting everything up for them since Daniel and I would be gone for a few hours this morning. I had Rock Center with Brian Williams speaking to my ears as I was organizing their paperwork and schedule for the day. I was intrigued that they were doing a segment on David Finch and the affects of Aspergers in his life and marriage when I had not known that prior to the show starting.

I do not watch it regularly, I tend to be reading or writing something in my spare moments.

I do watch it when I do not have other pressing things to do, you know, like writing poems, stories, walking onto the moon, escaping to Europa… those types of things. Anyway, I was watching it with a fine calm mind. I could relate to several of the things that were being talked about and had no issues. Then, I saw an Aspie Quiz that I took some time ago (results below) and heard ”Asperger’s Syndrome, a neurological disorder – a form of autism, characterized by ritualistic and obsessive tendencies and a lack of empathy for others” and “his score was off the charts.”

It caught my attention and made me spin into locating my Aspie quiz results.

I saw his score and wondered how he was “off the charts.” I do not know why I was stuck on that, but I did get stuck on those words for a while, feeling the need to get my score and compare. I wanted to know what “off the charts” meant. What does that mean? I scored “Your Aspie score: 171 of 200, Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 28 of 200″ Does that mean that I am off the charts? If so, please explain what you mean by that Kate Snow. I know I should not fret over such things, but my mind started to loop.

More specific, it began to loop on the statement about lack of empathy for others.

It has had me reeling all night and all day. All right, truth? Several things had me reeling, but I managed to stop most of those loops using my new coping skills. They have calmed me somewhat… well, I obviously had to write about it in order to help me clear my mind of this loopage. The good thing is that I did not sit down and write out a frantic post at 10 o’clock at night after, I hit rewind and play repeatedly. I was studying the words, actions, behaviors, and facial features of the people. I do not understand his wife’s emotions they felt unaccepting, but according to her other words expressed, they are not. However, she seemed rather put out with all of the behavioral issues.

That is based on a few minutes in a segment.

I cannot make a proper analysis. We all know that I lack some ability here at “reading” people’s body language and facial expressions. I have no idea what she was going through that day – maybe she was not up to having cameras in her face. Possibly, she was tired; maybe she and her husband were having an off day. She could have been thinking about her kids, or work. Who knows. All I was able to read was the video clip and the words she used. Words that are filtered through the way I define words. See I am in no place to judge what she meant by her words or actions. She did say she did not want to change the way he sees the world, and she clearly loves him.

Um, I was sidetracked.

I am a bit exhausted from this thing taking over my brain, Daniel’s evaluation and having to fill out yet another round of a hundred million gazillion questions about my son that I have already answered a QUADRILLION times. Blah! Side note, I do believe Daniel is going to qualify for all of the therapies that can be offered. He worked so hard, but was extremely distracted and continued to lose focus laughing at cars that drove by. OK! I know, I know! I am just as distracted. Did I mention that my brain is VERY frazzled? I also have to go to the store tonight, which will be fun.

SQUIRREL!

I was able to keep myself on task this morning and go to Daniel’s evaluation on time. However, I was battling the sense of urgency that was blaring through my particles to write out in a fit of frustration about the statement she said with the lack of empathy. If you watch the segment when he talks about cows it is clear to me that he exhibits definite empathetic abilities. (Toward others, aren’t animals others?) Maybe it is because I understand his language, I do not know, but I felt empathy from him.

Basically, I was informed this morning that this is an issue that is not going away.

I need to accept the fact that I speak a different language than the majority. No matter what I do or say the majority is not going to understand the autistic way, or even more specific MY WAY of seeing things. There is no way to define empathy it is up to each individual just as the showing or expression of love. No one will understand that I and many others in my autistic community feel empathy so intensely that we can shut down. We can express it toward others, but it is not in the way that the majority will understand. I find it unfair, hurtful, and very frustrating that no matter how much work I put into trying to understand the world around me, many people will not try to understand my world.

It is beyond words when the people in my life are the ones so unwilling to compromise with me.

I do not think it helps my cause in reaching my family when the media continually pegs us as individuals who lack empathy toward others. I know plenty of people male and female who are NOT on the autism spectrum that lack empathy, sympathy, or any other type of expression of compassion. AND no, they are not sociopaths or narcissists they are just plain selfish jerks. Sorry I am ranting. I am just so frustrated. Probably because of all the questionnaires that I had to fill out today about Daniel.

I was filled with all kinds of emotions again.

Daniel is so full of empathy that is expressed in such unique ways. I hate the thought that others will look at him as lacking empathy. When he laughs at someone crying it is not because he lacks empathy he is trying to make them feel better. When he taps Ariel or Joshua on the head, shoulder, or gets in their face when they are hurt, he is trying to show that he cares. When he comes up to me and throws himself onto me if I am crying it is because he is trying to give me deep pressure. He craves deep pressure when he is sad or upset. That is him showing empathy. I am tired of people making me feel like I lack empathy.

I am tired of explaining how I show empathy.

I do not want to sound negative here. I did see a lot of good in the segment that was shared. I am happy that they found a way to make their marriage work for them. I am happy that they can share and help others who may benefit in similar ways. I am very pleased that over all Aspergers was shown in a much more positive light. Those are all very positive and wonderful things. Brian Williams always has my heart. He is so good at what he does and shows compassion in his work. He is also a very funny fellow – many people are unaware of his clever and witty sense of humor… Daily Show! (as in squirrel!) I wish I could work at the Daily Show I suppose they would not let me bring my cat. I am trailing off again…

Rambling into this.

I did take the Aspie Quiz twice once in 2009 and then, in 2011. I wanted to compare my results and see if anything had changed with my new (slow moving) acceptance of my being on the autism spectrum. Not much really changed, my score did become a bit higher, but it was in areas that I started to allow myself freedom.

My results, sorry they are in Word if you want to look at them.

Aspie-quiz 2009

Aspie-quiz 2011

Some links:

David Finch

Asperger’s diagnosis leads man to unlikely connection to Howard Stern

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07/4/12

Wordless Wednesday! Me??

“Wordless” cannot seem to happen for me although I am pretty tapped out of words for the moment. I thought I would be able to respond to my comments on here today, but the internet was not connected until much later in the afternoon. By that time, I needed to stim on information about the Higgs boson particle, (There are plenty of news feeds to read, just Google it and take your pick.) and became slightly obsessed with it while making dinner. Plus I am a bit worded out because I have talked on the phone, had more social visits, and met more new people in the last few days than, I have in about two years.

I am mentally and physically exhausted.

In addition to this, my vertigo was so bad that it woke me up in the middle of the night. I felt like in my younger days when I would drink too much, lying on my bed praying to God to make the room stop spinning! This time I was praying for the water in my ears to get balanced as I ran into walls in the dark to get some water because I was so thirsty. Actually, that was at 1:38 am Tuesday morning. When I awoke yesterday and today, the whole right side of my body was numb, and eventually felt like the “needle” feeling when your foot falls asleep.

It went away after about 20 minutes each morning.

I was a little dizzy last night, and went to bed at about 8:00pm. I am feeling much better today. I have not had any vertigo spells. I think the weather, allergies, my body adjusting, all the socialness, and the stress of everything is a contributing factor. If it continues the next few days, I will go to the doctor, and get some antivert or something. That helped me in the past.

I am sure I am fine.

The kids are doing great. They are beyond happy, and are enjoying the new house very much. I am surprised at how well Daniel is doing. He seems much happier here and I am not sure why. He has had a couple of moments that came close to meltdown operating in old patterns of coming after me, or attacking the house. I stopped him each time and told him he could no longer do that. I explained it simply is not allowed in this house and he is going to have to find a better way to handle things. I gave him suggestions and one time he plopped himself on the bed trying to be angry, the next thing I knew he was laughing.

He has starting laughing when he feels the frustration coming on.

He has also taken to asking for a hug, or wrapping my arms around him when he feels it coming on. Granted I was able to do all of this because he had not gotten to full-blown meltdown. If that were the case, I am not sure it would have gone so well. It helps a lot that I have this huge yard that I can take them out in, walk, and play. The openness and freedom has already made a huge difference for the kids. There are also huge windows all around the house so we can see so many things. Our other house was lovely, but not as open and definitely did not have the windows or scenery we have here.

I am feeling so good about all of this.

Every interaction I have had has been positive. All of the service people, the neighbors, the people in the stores, and even the virtual school has all been positive. My grandma came by the other day and I love the fact that we are less than five minutes away from her. She hurt her back, and does not have anyone here to visit with her, or help her if she needs it. She is a VERY independent woman, but she does hit her capacity of independence sometimes. I think she is happy we are so close too for several reasons. I am feeling better emotionally now as well, after my little meltdown then, shutdown.

I think my body forced me to shutdown.

I had some time to process – since I was able to write it out, finally, I gained clarity. It is good, very good. I really do not know how to handle what I am feeling right now. I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time. I was feeling much more peace within myself in the last several months, but now I am feeling it with the kids also. My anxieties about them or for them are settling. I think it is because we have so much more opportunity here for them. I am excited to get them around other kids, and out to try new adventures. I think they will be much happier too. Ok, I can feel my brain dwindling. I had not planned to write this much! I have tried so many times to do a “Wordless Wednesday” and I am incapable. I have too many words in my head even on my least wordy of days.

Pictures of the yard!

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09/19/11

Hodgepodge

This post is going to be filled with a hodgepodge of things. Several things that I do not feel like separating into individual posts. I tried to make it like a “Wordless Wednesday” post, but I am basically incapable of being wordless! I am a very “typative” person. Here I go. I have not been able to sleep through the night in days, so many days now that I cannot even remember if it’s only been a week or longer. I can usually fall back to sleep at some point after an hour of rolling around and tossing about in bed. On Sunday morning though, I could not. I woke up with a post about moving swarming in my head. It was 2:30 am and I was wide awake and my brain would not leave me alone.

I had to get up and write that post!

So at 3am I went into the school room on the kids computer, in the dark, eyes barely focused, and wrote out that post. For some reason I had to have it finished before later in the morning or day. I still have no idea why other than I was able to sleep a bit more after 4:30am when I posted it. That was another strange thing, I posted it without really going over it. So what happened? I go back to read it later that morning and see that I called David, my mom and myself “idolators” instead of isolators. In the past I would have had a panic attack at the thought of anyone reading that, this time I laughed. I am still laughing. How funny, idolators.

I think my brain needed to process the information.

The topic of moving has been flying around for over a year now. We had not found a location that was a good fit. Again, going to another city where I do know anyone or have any family at this point would not be a good thing for me. Everything that I wrote about in Big Changes…Possibly, have been concerns for a while and there are still other issues and factors that we are dealing with that I have not written about. In the past week the idea of moving to my hometown has become a real possibility. Actually more than that, we are about 96.8% sure that we will be there this time next year.

I still am not sure how I feel about all of that.

I am not going panic, I am going to process. We will be about three hours away from my dad which is a good distance. Small doses to enjoy him. My grandma lives in my hometown as well so she can help me and go places with me and the kids if I need help. Or she can babysit for me. I am not too sure about other family members, I am not close to many of my family members. Mainly my aunt is the closest, I tend to feel awkward around my grandma too, but I do not feel like talking about my awkward disconnect to family. I am sure I will have a ton to write about when/if we move there. She was planning on moving here, but she has continued to put it off and prolong the whole thing. I could help her get her house ready to sell, that may be one of the issues for her. She has friends and family there also and it may be hard for her to leave. She is quite the social butterfly. Here she would only have my mom and other two sisters. I am just writing anything that is popping in my head so I am stopping on this topic.

Good news!

Daniel pooped on the potty yesterday for the first time!! Sorry for the poop talk, but that is a VERY big deal. He told me on his own that he wanted to and he sat and did it. He was very proud of himself. Another great thing happened yesterday. We were sitting on the couch together, he has started asking me to sit next to him and then he practically sits on me so we are working on boundaries. He wants to sit next to me and talk. HUGE! He was telling me all about his clock as we sat there. He told me all of the things that he likes about it and how he likes helicopters and that the reason that he likes them is because “how they work”. He has never given me a reason like that before, it has always been because “they spin” or “they make noise”. Then, during a moment of pause, he turned to me looked me straight in the eyes and asked: “What do you like mommy?” And then he listened and asked me questions about it. He wasn’t just following a script, he really wanted to know.

It was a great moment.

I have a lot to process in my life right now and as I am processing I do/say things that seem to contradict each other. A major one is working out and baking. I love to do both. I do make some healthy treats, but to be honest I do enjoy making sweet, tasty baking delights that make people smile and get them on a sugar high. Not the kids of course, but other people. I do share the treats with the kids and they get so happy and surprised that they can “have a cookie for a snack!”. I do enjoy making things with the kids. They love to help me and we learn measurements and chemistry in the process. I cannot really think of anything else to write about at the moment. I think I just needed to get some things out so I could process some more things.

I will leave with some photos of some gluten-free delights and who knows what other pictures will show up.

There are some Lego Dragons, school shots, raspberry oatmeal muffins, peanut butter/banana/oatmeal bread (I will not eat! Two things I dislike very much peanut butter and banana.), lemon cookies, granola bars and bread…I think those are the only pictures I put on of food. I tend to bake a lot and not eat any of it. I will freeze them for a later date for when I have a sweet tooth. It’s the process of baking that helps me not the eating it. Besides sweet things are good…in moderation. The same goes for working out. Moderation, right?

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08/28/11

Special Interest Quicky

Another one of my special interests which I have spoken about a bit are words. I do love words. Words are fun and fantastical. There are so many things that words do. They are playful, mean, accurate, distinctive, repulsive, magical, loving, caring, hurtful, wondrous. You can make words up. They can be gibberish. They can be truth. They are their own art form. I love them. Some of them are prickly, some of them are sharp, some of them are soft, some of them are squooshy and some of them burst in colors.

Yet I do not fully understand the way they are used.

I enjoy discovering new words and their meanings. I enjoy, the way words look to me. They can be quite playful or be triggers. Since I recently shared how one word was a trigger, the word “soon”, let me tell you what happens when they are no longer a trigger. They become a game, a pleasant joke to my memory. Now every time I see the word “soon”, I laugh. He smiles and waves and says “See you got me all wrong”. That is what words do with me. They are alive like numbers. They have colors and move and they wink and make me giggle.

I have many words that tickle my insides.

They can also hurt like daggers or fill me with unmeasurable joy. Mostly they make me happy. No words hurt for long once I figure out why they hurt, then they become my friend and useful for good. I like to write poems playing with words. Especially, when I am researching or learning something new. It helps me relate and fuse what I am learning to my mind, such as one of my recent poems titled “Stumbled”. I titled it purposefully wrong.

It is all about harmony and destiny so to speak.

As you read it, it is clear that it is all a mishap of what is seen as yin yang happening. Discovering your perfect zen by accident. I liked using the word karma because most people do not know the accurate meaning. Karma means “action” or “deed”, what I have read recently is that it is not about good or bad it is about choices. The choices we make now will affect us later in life and if you believe in rebirth, then it will affect that as well. That is a very simple way to explain it. To use it in a playful way as I did in my poem is exactly what I meant. To poke fun at how little and how much control we have over our lives. I am not sure how I feel about any of the words I used in the poem I was just playing with their definitions.

I do this often in my poems because words are playing with me.

I enjoy our playing and bantering together. I will most likely not reveal anymore of what is behind my poems or writings any longer because they no longer mean the same thing as they did last week or yesterday even. Some of them, however have been created into echoes that will live for eternity in the pleasantries of my mind. Others the hard ones will be reminders of how dark times turned to good and helped to create the lovely ones. I have found my peace with words and understanding how people use them differently than I do.

If I do not understand I will ask and that is the end of it.

You may see more of my playful word use. You have been warned. I have some pictures of my books as a child, most of them are actually mine. We did find almost the complete set that I had of the Dandelion Library, I think I still had four or five of mine from when I was a kid. The others are from when I was a child, you can see I took pretty good care of them. They are set up exactly as I had them in my room as a child and growing up.

The Mathemagic and The Magic of Words were my constant companions.

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